August 18, 2025 • 34 mins
Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by relationship advice. PLUS, ghostlighting and the 5-minute convo that can save your marriage. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know,
I spent many years as a single woman. Plenty of
times I thought I wasn't single. I was it. We
didn't call them situationships there, we just called them I
don't know, I'm dating someone and I thought they were
(00:29):
only dating me too, But maybe they weren't. I don't know.
I had my heartbroken so many times, and I spent
so much time trying to decipher why they're doing what
they're doing, or if I make this move, will they
do that next? Will they call more? If I act more?
You know, distant?
Speaker 1 (00:49):
You know?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
And now I'm watching my daughters go through it. They're
in their twenties, and I'm like, is this a chick thing?
That they go through this analyzing guys instead of just
knowing who you are and what you want. And then
as soon as they don't behave the way your husband should,
as I say, That's what I always say to my daughter.
(01:11):
Would your husband do that? Would your husband do that?
Just saying then you need to move along. But so
many young women have abandonment issues, maybe daddy issues. They
also have. I call it the last man on Earth syndrome.
They literally believe like if I let him go, there'll
be nobody else ever, and so it makes them have
(01:33):
bad boundaries. Right, Look it, itches get commitments, but say
that we're with a bee. I don't think I can
say it on the radio. With a bee, itches get commitments,
that means just people who have boundaries and know what
they want, those are the ones who get commitments. So anyway,
I used to spend a lot of time analyzing men,
and now I say to women, if you spending most
(01:55):
of your time analyzing them, why don't you stop and instead,
like I did eventually in therapy, ask this question, why
am I choosing them? Why am I so attracted to them? Right?
I will say that if there is the main feeling
you have when you're dating somebody is one of confusion,
(02:18):
then this isn't the relationship for you. It's and guys,
same to you. I'm saying this to you too, if
you're confused? But does she like me? Does she not?
Is she in there? Is she not? I don't know
I can't tell then get out because when it's right,
both people help each other feel secure. So there is
(02:39):
a new dating trend. I don't know who thinks up
these dating trends. The new one is called ghost lighting
ghost lighting. Some people say TikTok users started it, some
people other said dating coaches started. Back in twenty twenty three,
(03:02):
Psychology Today magazine wrote an article called you know, they
were basically looking at ghosting and gas lighting, but they
didn't claim to invest in. Okay, So as you can
imagine ghosting or ghost lighting, I'm sorry, ghost lighting I
can't even get all the terms straight combines ghosting, and
that's when somebody you're dating disappears without explanation. They're not
(03:23):
responding to your text or phone calls, and you're like,
I had such abandonment anxiety. I assumed there would only
be one thing could happen if they stopped being in
touch with me. They were debt Okay, they were dead,
they were in some kind of accident. And then gas
lighting is when you make someone question their own memory
or perception of a situation, so they're kind of questioning themselves.
(03:45):
Now here's what a ghost lighter does. A ghost lighter ghosts.
They vanish for a while, then they reappear and they
act like nothing happened. And sometimes they even suggest that
you're the one who imagined they're dism What do you
mean we talked during the week. I don't know what
you're saying, right, Oh my gosh, makes me so crazy.
(04:08):
It's a form of emotional manipulation, right. It is a
variant of a learning behavior called intermittent reinforcement. So intermittent
reinforcement means and bad boys do this all the time.
They come and go in a really inconsistent way, just
like a slot machine that pays off every once in
(04:29):
a while. They call or text every once in a while.
You're like, oh, got a little payoff there, right, And
so this is the intermittent reinforcement. They kind of disappear.
But then you add on to it this kind of
not being able to take responsibility for what they did
and instead turning it around and blaming it on the
(04:50):
other person. So this is a version of an ambiguous breakup.
And by the way, if you are saying, if you
are in one of these situation, so you see, but
why why do they do it? I just want to
know why I will tell you why. And once I
learned the why, it made me go I don't need
(05:10):
to put up with this at all. The why is
because you let them. Oh, I know that one hurt.
It hurt when a guy said it to me one time.
I actually crying in a bathtub late at night after
he'd stood me up for like midnight. MASS called him like,
why why do you.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Do this to me?
Speaker 2 (05:28):
You come, you go, you're nice to me, and then
you disappear and I don't even know where I stand? Why? Why?
And he said the most stone cold thing any girl
could ever hear. He said, well, because you let me.
He was looking for boundaries. Crazy right, anyway, Clearly I
(05:49):
didn't marry him. So these kind of ambiguous breakups can
cause so much emotional distress then clear breakups, because you're
in this in between. So the answer to the why
is twofold one is because you let them and don't
set up boundaries. And guys, this applies to you with
(06:09):
those party girls who are coming and going and they
give you the time of day and then they don't
and it doesn't matter the gender. And the other why is,
according to research, every human wants to keep backup mates.
There are people around who if everything goes bad and
they can't get a date and they can't get anyone
to go out with them, they've got that loose tie
(06:30):
to somebody they can reach out to for companionship or
for sex or to stroke their ego. So they just
sort of do the rounds of these various mates with
loose connections. That's the why they need to keep you
right there on a string, knowing they can reel you
(06:52):
in whenever they need you and you let them. I'm
so sorry if you're in this situation, and there's really
only one way to change, and that is to very
early on when you see this behavior, to just let
(07:13):
them go, let them go, just move off. And by
the way, you don't have to break up with somebody
who's being ambiguous about a breakup. You have not called
me in two weeks, so I am calling to tell
you I am breaking up. You know, if he hasn't
been around in two weeks, you're broken up. Okay, you're
broken up. So when he calls back, if you want
(07:33):
to confirm the breakup you don't respond, that means it's
over on your end too, And I know that usually
entices them and they try a couple times, don't respond.
It's over. You did it? Hey, when you come back,
when you come back, When I come back, I'm coming back.
We're going to break when I come back. I want
to answer some of your social media questions. I have
some really good questions that came in during the week.
(07:55):
If you want to send me a DM, send it
on Instagram, because that's where I'm scrolling through right now.
The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at Dr
Wendy Walsh on Instagram. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty of a live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Dtor
Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere
(08:16):
on the iHeartRadio app. This is the time of the
show when I weigh in on your love life. I
love to weigh in on your love life. So just
know I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but
I'm obsessed with the science of love. I've written three
books on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and well.
(08:36):
I have had a lot of life experience when it
comes to love. Think of me as your old auntie.
Send me a DM on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh
at doctor Wendy Walsh and let us get to it
all right. First of all, this listener says he's reminded
me about something I said in last week's show. Dear
Doctor Wendy, love your podcast. I started listening lot long,
(08:59):
oh oh after my wife passed away four and a
half years ago. We were together a long time and
I had no idea how to date after her death.
You mentioned in this week's show about grieving, you implied
it should last only one year. I have to say
there's no timeline to grieving. It hits at any time.
(09:20):
I met a woman about a year after thinking I
could be a good partner, and it triggered so many feelings.
I literally felt like I was cheating. I felt so
bad for that woman because I know she felt it.
He says, my situation is complicated, but there's a lot
more to it with any nicely said, I love your show.
(09:40):
You've helped me so much. Okay, you are welcome. I'm
so glad that I have helped you in some way,
and you reminded me to clarify. So, I know people
who have lost a loved one, whether it is a sibling,
a parent, a romantic partner, a child, and one of
(10:01):
them use this metaphor. They said, you know, it's like
carrying a heavy bag on your shoulder all the time.
It's always there, it never goes away, but you have
these moments where you put it down and go dance
with someone, and then you come back to that heavy bag. Right, So,
(10:22):
if you were really really attached to somebody and that
relationship was part of your identity, you're going to carry
a piece of it forever. Now. When I said if
you're grieving after one year, what I was referring to
is clinically identifiable depressive symptoms. So if you qualify as
(10:47):
suffering from depression based on your symptomology after one year
after the loss of someone, so that you know, it's
sort of like everybody's depressed during that first year. Right.
If the symptoms are clinical after one year, that's when
psychologists might call it complicated grieving, and they might be
(11:09):
dealing with something else, not just the loss of that person,
but maybe early life attachment injuries, et cetera. I'm not
saying it doesn't happen and shouldn't happen, and it is
part of life. But and many people aren't ready to
date after one year. Take your time. Look at Liam Neeson,
who I was referring to last week. I mean, I
(11:31):
don't know what he's been doing the last sixteen years
since his wife passed away, but we certainly he hasn't
been publicly with anybody as far as I know. So
this fun thing to watch with Pamela Anderson is a
lot of fun. All right, thank you for writing to
that listener. All right, this listener says this a woman, Hi,
doctor Wendy. I'm sixty five, have never been married and
(11:54):
have not been on a date in thirty years. I
think I am undateable. Your thoughts please? Oh well, my
thoughts are that life is a self fulfilling prophecy, and
as long as you keep believing that you are undtable,
guess what you will be undtable. The great thing about
(12:15):
self fulfilling prophecies is they can work in reverse too.
My suggestion would be it sounds like, if you're saying
you've never been married, you haven't been on a dat
in thirty years, you're undatable, but you wouldn't be writing
to me unless you wanted a relationship, right. I mean,
it's okay if you're single and happy, but if you
want a relationship, it's never too late. And my best
(12:40):
advice is to get a wingman or a wing woman
in the form of a licensed clinical therapist. They will
get to the bottom of why you haven't dated in
thirty years, what energy you're sending out, what your fears
are creating in you. Because I promise at every age
across the lifespan, there is somebody who's dating who's single,
(13:05):
and that's why I suggest going on those dating apps
so you can see see your peers right there. Uh okay,
This woman asks a listener, Hi, doctor Wendy, how do
I learn to realove my husband of thirty four years
of marriage? Well, I guess I would want a lot
(13:26):
more information on what your definition of loving is. Do
you mean sexual attraction? You want to get your mojo back?
Do you mean you've had a lifetime of resentment and
anger and you'd like to overcome that so you could
get to a place of peace and security and love.
I'm not sure what you mean by relove. It sounds
(13:46):
like you haven't been either receiving or giving the care
of a secure, interdependent relationship. And I would say it's
not about all in your head because it takes two
to tango right. I would say getting into couples therapy
together is the first stop step right to find out
(14:07):
what happened. And I talked earlier about relationships getting boring.
The novelty you have to add to it. When I
say it takes work, it should be joyful work. And
I do believe in starting with the little things, all right.
This listener says, doctor Wendy, I love my girlfriend, but
(14:28):
we argue a lot about just about anything. I don't
like it, but I love her all right. So I
think the two of you need to learn some conflict
resolution skills. This bickering you're referring to is probably very
normal from her family of origin, and you have a
(14:49):
kind of avoidance of a kind of bickering because it
seems to not get anywhere, right, That's what I'm guessing.
It just keeps bickering and over and over and it
never resolves itself. I'm wondering if the two of you
are king coming saying that there has to be a winner.
But these relationship skills can be learned, and I would say,
(15:09):
I mean, I always recommend you go to couple's therapy.
But let me just say this, the next time she
disagrees with you or gives you the bait to get
angry with her, don't take the bait literally. Smile and
say I'm not going down that road with you because
I love you, and flip the narrative into something happy
(15:33):
and you're going, yeah, But but she says these things
antagonize me, and she makes me so mad and makes
me get into it with it. She doesn't make you
do anything. She lays out bait and you're the one
who takes it. So on your side, you can say,
I don't want to get into a bickering match about
this because I love you. Let's do something fun. Let's
see what happens if you do that. Wouldn't that be cool?
(15:55):
All right? I think I've time. Oh no, I don't
have time for one more. We'll do more when we
come back. If you'd like to send me a relationship question,
send a DM to me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh.
You're listening to the Dr Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This
is the time of my show where I am answering
your social media questions. If you've been paying attention, you
might have noticed that I do not give anything identifying
except gender and the things you write in your thing.
But I don't say your Instagram handle is this, or
(16:40):
your name is this? None of that. No. I maintain
privacy for you so I can answer the questions publicly.
All right, So if you want to send me a question,
please do go onto my Instagram at doctor Wendy Wall
send me a DM. All right, This listener says, hi,
Doctor Wendy. I've been married for nineteen years and am
(17:02):
in a dead bedroom relationship. Ooh, that sounds pretty morbid.
We have not had any intimate contact for over two years,
and I don't know what to do. My wife is
going through menopause but refuses to look at hormone replacement therapy.
She refuses any intimacy and does not want to go
(17:22):
to couples counseling. I love her and she's an amazing mother,
but I'm having frequent thoughts about cheating. I never thought
I would be in this situation, and I would love
any advice you may have. Your show is amazing, and
I learned something new every week with a bunch of
exclamation marks. That's so nice. I'm so sorry. I'm so
(17:42):
sorry you're going through this. I do want to remind
you that one person can go to couple's therapy. One
person can go to couple's therapy if the other won't go.
Think of your relationship as a system, right, and you
are now part of the system, like a machine. Right,
You're a cog in the machine. If you go to
couple's therapy alone and learn different ways to communicate with her,
(18:05):
or you know, find ways, you'll see she will have
to change.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Now.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
What doesn't work are threats and ultimatums, right Like if
you say, well, if you're not gonna give it to me,
I'm gonna have to get it somewhere else, that is
only going to make her withdraw. But there has to
be some private time where you don't beg because the
end you know, like the short term goal is not
please have sex with me. The short term goal should
(18:34):
be establishing emotional intimacy again. So you've got to carve
out some time. Maybe you go on a date night,
get a babysitter. Maybe you're alone in your room and
you literally say stop, I really want to talk to
you about something important, and you're going to say, I
love you. I am very attracted to you. I know
(18:57):
what you're going through has caused you to not want
sex with me. But we've got to find a way
to get both our needs met because we have too
much on the line. We both love our kids, we
both love each other. How would you like to fix this?
Or how can we fix this? I love a how question?
(19:21):
That's my favorite thing, a how question? How can we
fix it? Because now you're on a team, and now
you're not into the emotional brain of begging or blaming
or criticizing. You've actually set up a problem for the
two of you to solve. I'm curious. Please send me
a private message again, I'm curious to know how that goes.
(19:42):
Make sure you tell her over and over that she's beautiful,
you love her, you think she's a great mother, and
you also have needs and you're both on the same team,
and how can we fix this? I want to know
what she says. I really do want to know what
she says. All right on this listener says, dear doctor Wendy,
(20:03):
my mother in law constantly criticizes my parenting in front
of my kids and undermines me in subtle ways. My
husband doesn't seem to notice or think it's a big deal.
How do I set boundaries without causing a family rift? Now,
I want to say right away that people who are
(20:23):
afraid to set boundaries are afraid because they're afraid of
the consequences. And now you're saying you're afraid of causing
a family rift. I don't know what a family rift
is to you, but all families have rifts all the time.
That's what they do, so get used to it. It's
going to be bumpy. Step one, in my opinion, Old
(20:44):
Auntie Wendy, start with your husband alone. Make sure he's
on the same team. Say very clearly, hey, I would
like you to have my back. When your mother criticizes
my parenting in front of the kids. All you have
to say is something like hey, hey, they offer or Hey,
that wasn't fair, or no, that's not true. She's really
good at this. Do something to protect me in front
(21:08):
of your mother. Now, if he says, oh, I don't
want to get her mad. I don't want to say
that's a little boy in him who is disciplined by
a critical, punitive parent. Okay, so you've got to say that. Look,
when you were twelve you could think like that, but
you're a grown man now, all right. If he says
odd's just words, she doesn't mean it, it's not a
big deal. Then you've got to be the one to
(21:31):
stand up and when she criticizes without getting angry. This
is the hard part because she's pushing buttons right, and
you want to turn and just tell her to shut up, right,
But you can't. You have to turn to her. You
have to smile, and you have to say, I guess
you and I parent very differently. Luckily my husband survived
your parenting. I love him. That's all you say. You
(21:54):
just point out that you parent differently. Don't get into
the da tales of no, I don't actually do that.
If you notice I do this, or don't get into
the details. Just you know, zoom out, zoom out and
just say it looks like we parent differently. Fortunately, you're
a good parent to my husband because I love him.
(22:15):
Who can argue with that? Right? Who can argue with that?
She's going to keep going with right. But the kids
are hearing you too. The kids are hearing you subtly
stand up for yourself. This is a good thing, all right?
Oh another family problem, Hi, doctor Wendy. My partner's family
is very religious and expects me to follow their customs
(22:36):
and attend church with them, even though I'm not religious
at all. It's putting a strain on our relationship. How
do I navigate this without being disrespectful? I'm going to
go back to the same place. Why aren't you and
your partner a team? Right? So there's where you start.
Start with your partner. Hey, I don't want to go
(22:59):
to church, temple, whatever, synagogue. I don't want to go.
And will you defend me if I choose not to go?
Just ask the question, will you defend me if I
choose not to go? And he's gonna say yes or no?
And then if he says no, I don't want to
get into it. My parents and you really, what does
it take? You know? It's an hour out of your week,
(23:20):
what does it take? And just say it's a very
important value to me. And now there could be lots
of other things going on, like children, which religion are
you raising the children? And all these conversations probably should
have taken place before you. Will you call them your
partner hmm, And you don't say navigate this relationship. You
(23:41):
never call it a marriage. So maybe there's a piece
where you're hoping to get married to this person. So
you don't want to create a big problem. But this
is the time, this is the time to deal with
this stuff. And it's okay to say no thanks, but
you got to say it in a nice way, you know,
kill them with kindness, just say I really respect that
you are a true believer in your religion. And in
(24:03):
some ways I've said this to people, I'm envious of it.
I wish I could be that way, but that's not me.
And so I'm gonna stay home and you know, follow
my higher power in my own way whatever, you know,
say something like that, I'm going to meditate. I'm good.
And that's not being disrespectful, that's telling them you really
(24:24):
respect them. Right, Okay, I think we have time for
one more. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm in a serious relationship
with a wonderful woman, but my father doesn't approve of
her because of her race. Really, it's twenty twenty five.
Oh my gosh, he refuses to even meet her. I'm
(24:47):
torn between keeping peace with my family and standing. Everybody's
afraid of their parents today. What is going on here?
You don't have to force him to meet her, but
you have a right to create your own love life
and your own relationship. And so that means if he says, hey,
(25:08):
come on over Sunday, I'm cooking, you get to say, oh,
I'm sorry, I'm gonna be spending the day with my girlfriend.
That's all you say. This is not cutting ties with him.
It's balancing the time you spend with him with the
time you spend on your relationship. That's all. You're gonna
(25:28):
be fine, You guys, be brave. You can do it nicely. Okay,
you really can do it nicely. I promise all right
that that brings this segment to an end. I love
to weigh in on other people's love lives because then
it takes my mind off my own problems. It's wonderful Hey,
let's go to break. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
(25:52):
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the home stretch
of the Dr Wendy Wall Show on ki AM six forty.
You know, I have been for many, many years. I've
been giving relationship advice based on the science and what
researchers say we should be doing. I did it for
a number of reasons. When I was a single woman.
(26:13):
I was learning, I was developing my own skill set
set at the time. But now I'm married, and I
practice these things regularly. In fact, when things get tough
between us, and yes we've only been married one year,
we've been together five years, but you know, every once
in a while, yeah I'm an argument or whatever. You're frustrated.
I literally say to myself, Hmmm, what would doctor Wendy
(26:36):
say I should do here?
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Right?
Speaker 2 (26:37):
And I kind of go back in my brain through
the filing cabinet of knowledge that I have, and I
come up with stuff. You know, my favorite researcher is
doctor John Gottman and his wife Julie at the Gotman
Institute at the University of Washington. They have something called
the Marriage Lab that's been going around for a few
decades and they've learned so much about couples, but they've
(26:59):
also helped many couples, and probably the biggest discovery that
they've made is that it's what you could call micro
connections that have the biggest impact. So did you know
that you could dramatically change your relationship? Sorry, I've been
eating nuts on the break. I got an almond in
(27:21):
my throat. That you can dramatically change your relationship or
save your marriage with a five minute conversation every day. Okay, now,
stay with me. According to the Gutmans, right, he calls
them emotional check ins. Right, Couples who daily every day
have a habit of having an emotional check in have
(27:43):
significantly higher relationship satisfaction. Even really short conversations where the
partners feel heard. That can counteract a drift, the drift
that happens as you slowly drift apart in long term relationship.
So you could say something like, how are you really
(28:04):
doing today? And then be quiet, Yeah, listen without interrupting.
Now that's part of it, right, taking the moment to
have a micro connection. Doctor Goutman also says we must
be aware and attentive to the bids for connection that
are partners, the little lines they throw out to us.
(28:26):
We do have to take de bait here, right. So,
his research shows that strong marriages. In strong marriages, partners
respond positively to each other's bids for connection. Now, what's
a bid for connection? It's some kind of tiny attempt
to either engage. It might be just sharing a story
(28:49):
or pointing out something interesting. Okay, if you have teenagers,
you know, as parents, you feel them drifting away, so
you try to bring them in. You'll be driving in
the car and you'll say to your teenager, oh, look
at the cute dog in the car next door, And
your teenager will turn to you and go, why did
you just tell me that? Like, they literally don't take
(29:11):
the bid because they're busy trying to separate. So that
can happen in romantic relationships too. You bring up something
that you've seen or heard or done, and they go,
why are you telling me that? So Gotman says, grab
that line when they throw it out and go ooh
that's so cool, right, don't ignore them. Right. In Gotman's research,
(29:34):
couples who turned toward those bids a little over eighty
percent of the time, we're far more likely to stay
together in the long term. There's also research to say
that these short conversations can lower our stress hormones. That's
good for our health, and it's also good for our relationship.
Positive spousal interactions reduce your cortiso that's the stress hormones
(29:59):
cortisol after a stressful day. So taking five minutes at
the end of the day to just unwind and feel closer.
I want to close by telling you some of the
things I've learned about love over the years, and I
hope that you can put them into practice as I did.
And remember, I learned all of this the hard way. Look,
(30:23):
if you were trying to lose weight, would you go
to that perfect body ectomorph Barbie trainer at the gym?
Or would you take advice from Oprah who's lost weight
and got in shape so many times? Right, So I'm
like the Oprah of love. I've had bad relationships, I
chose bad relationships, I did bad things in my relationship.
I've done it all, and so I learned what works.
(30:47):
So here's a little bit of advice from doctor Wendy.
Choose love even when it's hard. Love maybe begins as
a feeling or you think it's a feeling, but at
a certain point you choose it. So there are days
when you don't like your spouse, but I want you
to choose to love them right and that will strengthen
(31:11):
the bond. It changes your headspace. Also, communicate openly and honestly.
Never expect your partner to be your mind reader, share
your thoughts, your feelings. And I know some of you
are saying, we don't do that in my family. We
don't talk about those things. Yeah, well you can learn.
(31:34):
These are relationship skills to be learned. And when your
partner is opening up, be an active listener, mirror back
to them. Make sure you spend some quality time together.
We get so busy. We've got the kids, we've got
our jobs. We're so busy. Whether it's scheduling a regular
date night or just some time for dedicated activities together.
(31:55):
It helps maintain intimacy and connection. And also, don't try
to change your partner now unless your partner is doing
something that's really detrimental to the relationship, like cheating and
domestic violence and using drugs, and you shouldn't even be there.
If that's happening, get out. But if you're just trying
to change their habits, you know, treat your your partner
(32:15):
the way you would a close friend. You just kind
of accept who they are. You respect their individuality. Right,
that's what you need to do. And the biggest one,
this is huge. Don't hold grudges. Practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is
a gift you give yourself. Have you ever heard the
saying that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping somebody
(32:37):
else will die? Right, just let it go. Nobody's perfect,
everybody makes mistakes. If you learn to forgive each other
without holding on to that resentment, you will go a
long way. I wish you love practice this stuff this week,
wouldja and that the Doctor Wendy wall Show to a close.
(33:02):
I'm always here for you every Sunday night from seven
to nine pm. You're also welcome to follow me on
my social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
I'm working on a new book. It's specifically targeted at
single women. Well, actually any single woman aged eighteen to
eighty could read it. My sweet spot are women twenty
five to forty who are single and want to have
(33:24):
a healthy, secure, monogamous relationship. That may not be everybody,
but that's my Nietzche Niche, nietzsche Niche, that's my market,
that's my people. All right. I'm working on a new book.
I'll let you know when it's coming out. It's fun
writing it, but otherwise I'm here for you every Sunday.
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(33:49):
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know,
I spent many years as a single woman. Plenty of
times I thought I wasn't single. I was it. We
didn't call them situationships there, we just called them I
don't know, I'm dating someone and I thought they were
(00:29):
only dating me too, But maybe they weren't. I don't know.
I had my heartbroken so many times, and I spent
so much time trying to decipher why they're doing what
they're doing, or if I make this move, will they
do that next? Will they call more? If I act more?
You know, distant?
Speaker 1 (00:49):
You know?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
And now I'm watching my daughters go through it. They're
in their twenties, and I'm like, is this a chick thing?
That they go through this analyzing guys instead of just
knowing who you are and what you want. And then
as soon as they don't behave the way your husband should,
as I say, That's what I always say to my daughter.
(01:11):
Would your husband do that? Would your husband do that?
Just saying then you need to move along. But so
many young women have abandonment issues, maybe daddy issues. They
also have. I call it the last man on Earth syndrome.
They literally believe like if I let him go, there'll
be nobody else ever, and so it makes them have
(01:33):
bad boundaries. Right, Look it, itches get commitments, but say
that we're with a bee. I don't think I can
say it on the radio. With a bee, itches get commitments,
that means just people who have boundaries and know what
they want, those are the ones who get commitments. So anyway,
I used to spend a lot of time analyzing men,
and now I say to women, if you spending most
(01:55):
of your time analyzing them, why don't you stop and instead,
like I did eventually in therapy, ask this question, why
am I choosing them? Why am I so attracted to them? Right?
I will say that if there is the main feeling
you have when you're dating somebody is one of confusion,
(02:18):
then this isn't the relationship for you. It's and guys,
same to you. I'm saying this to you too, if
you're confused? But does she like me? Does she not?
Is she in there? Is she not? I don't know
I can't tell then get out because when it's right,
both people help each other feel secure. So there is
(02:39):
a new dating trend. I don't know who thinks up
these dating trends. The new one is called ghost lighting
ghost lighting. Some people say TikTok users started it, some
people other said dating coaches started. Back in twenty twenty three,
(03:02):
Psychology Today magazine wrote an article called you know, they
were basically looking at ghosting and gas lighting, but they
didn't claim to invest in. Okay, So as you can
imagine ghosting or ghost lighting, I'm sorry, ghost lighting I
can't even get all the terms straight combines ghosting, and
that's when somebody you're dating disappears without explanation. They're not
(03:23):
responding to your text or phone calls, and you're like,
I had such abandonment anxiety. I assumed there would only
be one thing could happen if they stopped being in
touch with me. They were debt Okay, they were dead,
they were in some kind of accident. And then gas
lighting is when you make someone question their own memory
or perception of a situation, so they're kind of questioning themselves.
(03:45):
Now here's what a ghost lighter does. A ghost lighter ghosts.
They vanish for a while, then they reappear and they
act like nothing happened. And sometimes they even suggest that
you're the one who imagined they're dism What do you
mean we talked during the week. I don't know what
you're saying, right, Oh my gosh, makes me so crazy.
(04:08):
It's a form of emotional manipulation, right. It is a
variant of a learning behavior called intermittent reinforcement. So intermittent
reinforcement means and bad boys do this all the time.
They come and go in a really inconsistent way, just
like a slot machine that pays off every once in
(04:29):
a while. They call or text every once in a while.
You're like, oh, got a little payoff there, right, And
so this is the intermittent reinforcement. They kind of disappear.
But then you add on to it this kind of
not being able to take responsibility for what they did
and instead turning it around and blaming it on the
(04:50):
other person. So this is a version of an ambiguous breakup.
And by the way, if you are saying, if you
are in one of these situation, so you see, but
why why do they do it? I just want to
know why I will tell you why. And once I
learned the why, it made me go I don't need
(05:10):
to put up with this at all. The why is
because you let them. Oh, I know that one hurt.
It hurt when a guy said it to me one time.
I actually crying in a bathtub late at night after
he'd stood me up for like midnight. MASS called him like,
why why do you.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Do this to me?
Speaker 2 (05:28):
You come, you go, you're nice to me, and then
you disappear and I don't even know where I stand? Why? Why?
And he said the most stone cold thing any girl
could ever hear. He said, well, because you let me.
He was looking for boundaries. Crazy right, anyway, Clearly I
(05:49):
didn't marry him. So these kind of ambiguous breakups can
cause so much emotional distress then clear breakups, because you're
in this in between. So the answer to the why
is twofold one is because you let them and don't
set up boundaries. And guys, this applies to you with
(06:09):
those party girls who are coming and going and they
give you the time of day and then they don't
and it doesn't matter the gender. And the other why is,
according to research, every human wants to keep backup mates.
There are people around who if everything goes bad and
they can't get a date and they can't get anyone
to go out with them, they've got that loose tie
(06:30):
to somebody they can reach out to for companionship or
for sex or to stroke their ego. So they just
sort of do the rounds of these various mates with
loose connections. That's the why they need to keep you
right there on a string, knowing they can reel you
(06:52):
in whenever they need you and you let them. I'm
so sorry if you're in this situation, and there's really
only one way to change, and that is to very
early on when you see this behavior, to just let
(07:13):
them go, let them go, just move off. And by
the way, you don't have to break up with somebody
who's being ambiguous about a breakup. You have not called
me in two weeks, so I am calling to tell
you I am breaking up. You know, if he hasn't
been around in two weeks, you're broken up. Okay, you're
broken up. So when he calls back, if you want
(07:33):
to confirm the breakup you don't respond, that means it's
over on your end too, And I know that usually
entices them and they try a couple times, don't respond.
It's over. You did it? Hey, when you come back,
when you come back, When I come back, I'm coming back.
We're going to break when I come back. I want
to answer some of your social media questions. I have
some really good questions that came in during the week.
(07:55):
If you want to send me a DM, send it
on Instagram, because that's where I'm scrolling through right now.
The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at Dr
Wendy Walsh on Instagram. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty of a live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Dtor
Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere
(08:16):
on the iHeartRadio app. This is the time of the
show when I weigh in on your love life. I
love to weigh in on your love life. So just
know I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but
I'm obsessed with the science of love. I've written three
books on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and well.
(08:36):
I have had a lot of life experience when it
comes to love. Think of me as your old auntie.
Send me a DM on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh
at doctor Wendy Walsh and let us get to it
all right. First of all, this listener says he's reminded
me about something I said in last week's show. Dear
Doctor Wendy, love your podcast. I started listening lot long,
(08:59):
oh oh after my wife passed away four and a
half years ago. We were together a long time and
I had no idea how to date after her death.
You mentioned in this week's show about grieving, you implied
it should last only one year. I have to say
there's no timeline to grieving. It hits at any time.
(09:20):
I met a woman about a year after thinking I
could be a good partner, and it triggered so many feelings.
I literally felt like I was cheating. I felt so
bad for that woman because I know she felt it.
He says, my situation is complicated, but there's a lot
more to it with any nicely said, I love your show.
(09:40):
You've helped me so much. Okay, you are welcome. I'm
so glad that I have helped you in some way,
and you reminded me to clarify. So, I know people
who have lost a loved one, whether it is a sibling,
a parent, a romantic partner, a child, and one of
(10:01):
them use this metaphor. They said, you know, it's like
carrying a heavy bag on your shoulder all the time.
It's always there, it never goes away, but you have
these moments where you put it down and go dance
with someone, and then you come back to that heavy bag. Right, So,
(10:22):
if you were really really attached to somebody and that
relationship was part of your identity, you're going to carry
a piece of it forever. Now. When I said if
you're grieving after one year, what I was referring to
is clinically identifiable depressive symptoms. So if you qualify as
(10:47):
suffering from depression based on your symptomology after one year
after the loss of someone, so that you know, it's
sort of like everybody's depressed during that first year. Right.
If the symptoms are clinical after one year, that's when
psychologists might call it complicated grieving, and they might be
(11:09):
dealing with something else, not just the loss of that person,
but maybe early life attachment injuries, et cetera. I'm not
saying it doesn't happen and shouldn't happen, and it is
part of life. But and many people aren't ready to
date after one year. Take your time. Look at Liam Neeson,
who I was referring to last week. I mean, I
(11:31):
don't know what he's been doing the last sixteen years
since his wife passed away, but we certainly he hasn't
been publicly with anybody as far as I know. So
this fun thing to watch with Pamela Anderson is a
lot of fun. All right, thank you for writing to
that listener. All right, this listener says this a woman, Hi,
doctor Wendy. I'm sixty five, have never been married and
(11:54):
have not been on a date in thirty years. I
think I am undateable. Your thoughts please? Oh well, my
thoughts are that life is a self fulfilling prophecy, and
as long as you keep believing that you are undtable,
guess what you will be undtable. The great thing about
(12:15):
self fulfilling prophecies is they can work in reverse too.
My suggestion would be it sounds like, if you're saying
you've never been married, you haven't been on a dat
in thirty years, you're undatable, but you wouldn't be writing
to me unless you wanted a relationship, right. I mean,
it's okay if you're single and happy, but if you
want a relationship, it's never too late. And my best
(12:40):
advice is to get a wingman or a wing woman
in the form of a licensed clinical therapist. They will
get to the bottom of why you haven't dated in
thirty years, what energy you're sending out, what your fears
are creating in you. Because I promise at every age
across the lifespan, there is somebody who's dating who's single,
(13:05):
and that's why I suggest going on those dating apps
so you can see see your peers right there. Uh okay,
This woman asks a listener, Hi, doctor Wendy, how do
I learn to realove my husband of thirty four years
of marriage? Well, I guess I would want a lot
(13:26):
more information on what your definition of loving is. Do
you mean sexual attraction? You want to get your mojo back?
Do you mean you've had a lifetime of resentment and
anger and you'd like to overcome that so you could
get to a place of peace and security and love.
I'm not sure what you mean by relove. It sounds
(13:46):
like you haven't been either receiving or giving the care
of a secure, interdependent relationship. And I would say it's
not about all in your head because it takes two
to tango right. I would say getting into couples therapy
together is the first stop step right to find out
(14:07):
what happened. And I talked earlier about relationships getting boring.
The novelty you have to add to it. When I
say it takes work, it should be joyful work. And
I do believe in starting with the little things, all right.
This listener says, doctor Wendy, I love my girlfriend, but
(14:28):
we argue a lot about just about anything. I don't
like it, but I love her all right. So I
think the two of you need to learn some conflict
resolution skills. This bickering you're referring to is probably very
normal from her family of origin, and you have a
(14:49):
kind of avoidance of a kind of bickering because it
seems to not get anywhere, right, That's what I'm guessing.
It just keeps bickering and over and over and it
never resolves itself. I'm wondering if the two of you
are king coming saying that there has to be a winner.
But these relationship skills can be learned, and I would say,
(15:09):
I mean, I always recommend you go to couple's therapy.
But let me just say this, the next time she
disagrees with you or gives you the bait to get
angry with her, don't take the bait literally. Smile and
say I'm not going down that road with you because
I love you, and flip the narrative into something happy
(15:33):
and you're going, yeah, But but she says these things
antagonize me, and she makes me so mad and makes
me get into it with it. She doesn't make you
do anything. She lays out bait and you're the one
who takes it. So on your side, you can say,
I don't want to get into a bickering match about
this because I love you. Let's do something fun. Let's
see what happens if you do that. Wouldn't that be cool?
(15:55):
All right? I think I've time. Oh no, I don't
have time for one more. We'll do more when we
come back. If you'd like to send me a relationship question,
send a DM to me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh.
You're listening to the Dr Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This
is the time of my show where I am answering
your social media questions. If you've been paying attention, you
might have noticed that I do not give anything identifying
except gender and the things you write in your thing.
But I don't say your Instagram handle is this, or
(16:40):
your name is this? None of that. No. I maintain
privacy for you so I can answer the questions publicly.
All right, So if you want to send me a question,
please do go onto my Instagram at doctor Wendy Wall
send me a DM. All right, This listener says, hi,
Doctor Wendy. I've been married for nineteen years and am
(17:02):
in a dead bedroom relationship. Ooh, that sounds pretty morbid.
We have not had any intimate contact for over two years,
and I don't know what to do. My wife is
going through menopause but refuses to look at hormone replacement therapy.
She refuses any intimacy and does not want to go
(17:22):
to couples counseling. I love her and she's an amazing mother,
but I'm having frequent thoughts about cheating. I never thought
I would be in this situation, and I would love
any advice you may have. Your show is amazing, and
I learned something new every week with a bunch of
exclamation marks. That's so nice. I'm so sorry. I'm so
(17:42):
sorry you're going through this. I do want to remind
you that one person can go to couple's therapy. One
person can go to couple's therapy if the other won't go.
Think of your relationship as a system, right, and you
are now part of the system, like a machine. Right,
You're a cog in the machine. If you go to
couple's therapy alone and learn different ways to communicate with her,
(18:05):
or you know, find ways, you'll see she will have
to change.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Now.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
What doesn't work are threats and ultimatums, right Like if
you say, well, if you're not gonna give it to me,
I'm gonna have to get it somewhere else, that is
only going to make her withdraw. But there has to
be some private time where you don't beg because the
end you know, like the short term goal is not
please have sex with me. The short term goal should
(18:34):
be establishing emotional intimacy again. So you've got to carve
out some time. Maybe you go on a date night,
get a babysitter. Maybe you're alone in your room and
you literally say stop, I really want to talk to
you about something important, and you're going to say, I
love you. I am very attracted to you. I know
(18:57):
what you're going through has caused you to not want
sex with me. But we've got to find a way
to get both our needs met because we have too
much on the line. We both love our kids, we
both love each other. How would you like to fix this?
Or how can we fix this? I love a how question?
(19:21):
That's my favorite thing, a how question? How can we
fix it? Because now you're on a team, and now
you're not into the emotional brain of begging or blaming
or criticizing. You've actually set up a problem for the
two of you to solve. I'm curious. Please send me
a private message again, I'm curious to know how that goes.
(19:42):
Make sure you tell her over and over that she's beautiful,
you love her, you think she's a great mother, and
you also have needs and you're both on the same team,
and how can we fix this? I want to know
what she says. I really do want to know what
she says. All right on this listener says, dear doctor Wendy,
(20:03):
my mother in law constantly criticizes my parenting in front
of my kids and undermines me in subtle ways. My
husband doesn't seem to notice or think it's a big deal.
How do I set boundaries without causing a family rift? Now,
I want to say right away that people who are
(20:23):
afraid to set boundaries are afraid because they're afraid of
the consequences. And now you're saying you're afraid of causing
a family rift. I don't know what a family rift
is to you, but all families have rifts all the time.
That's what they do, so get used to it. It's
going to be bumpy. Step one, in my opinion, Old
(20:44):
Auntie Wendy, start with your husband alone. Make sure he's
on the same team. Say very clearly, hey, I would
like you to have my back. When your mother criticizes
my parenting in front of the kids. All you have
to say is something like hey, hey, they offer or Hey,
that wasn't fair, or no, that's not true. She's really
good at this. Do something to protect me in front
(21:08):
of your mother. Now, if he says, oh, I don't
want to get her mad. I don't want to say
that's a little boy in him who is disciplined by
a critical, punitive parent. Okay, so you've got to say that. Look,
when you were twelve you could think like that, but
you're a grown man now, all right. If he says
odd's just words, she doesn't mean it, it's not a
big deal. Then you've got to be the one to
(21:31):
stand up and when she criticizes without getting angry. This
is the hard part because she's pushing buttons right, and
you want to turn and just tell her to shut up, right,
But you can't. You have to turn to her. You
have to smile, and you have to say, I guess
you and I parent very differently. Luckily my husband survived
your parenting. I love him. That's all you say. You
(21:54):
just point out that you parent differently. Don't get into
the da tales of no, I don't actually do that.
If you notice I do this, or don't get into
the details. Just you know, zoom out, zoom out and
just say it looks like we parent differently. Fortunately, you're
a good parent to my husband because I love him.
(22:15):
Who can argue with that? Right? Who can argue with that?
She's going to keep going with right. But the kids
are hearing you too. The kids are hearing you subtly
stand up for yourself. This is a good thing, all right?
Oh another family problem, Hi, doctor Wendy. My partner's family
is very religious and expects me to follow their customs
(22:36):
and attend church with them, even though I'm not religious
at all. It's putting a strain on our relationship. How
do I navigate this without being disrespectful? I'm going to
go back to the same place. Why aren't you and
your partner a team? Right? So there's where you start.
Start with your partner. Hey, I don't want to go
(22:59):
to church, temple, whatever, synagogue. I don't want to go.
And will you defend me if I choose not to go?
Just ask the question, will you defend me if I
choose not to go? And he's gonna say yes or no?
And then if he says no, I don't want to
get into it. My parents and you really, what does
it take? You know? It's an hour out of your week,
(23:20):
what does it take? And just say it's a very
important value to me. And now there could be lots
of other things going on, like children, which religion are
you raising the children? And all these conversations probably should
have taken place before you. Will you call them your
partner hmm, And you don't say navigate this relationship. You
(23:41):
never call it a marriage. So maybe there's a piece
where you're hoping to get married to this person. So
you don't want to create a big problem. But this
is the time, this is the time to deal with
this stuff. And it's okay to say no thanks, but
you got to say it in a nice way, you know,
kill them with kindness, just say I really respect that
you are a true believer in your religion. And in
(24:03):
some ways I've said this to people, I'm envious of it.
I wish I could be that way, but that's not me.
And so I'm gonna stay home and you know, follow
my higher power in my own way whatever, you know,
say something like that, I'm going to meditate. I'm good.
And that's not being disrespectful, that's telling them you really
(24:24):
respect them. Right, Okay, I think we have time for
one more. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm in a serious relationship
with a wonderful woman, but my father doesn't approve of
her because of her race. Really, it's twenty twenty five.
Oh my gosh, he refuses to even meet her. I'm
(24:47):
torn between keeping peace with my family and standing. Everybody's
afraid of their parents today. What is going on here?
You don't have to force him to meet her, but
you have a right to create your own love life
and your own relationship. And so that means if he says, hey,
(25:08):
come on over Sunday, I'm cooking, you get to say, oh,
I'm sorry, I'm gonna be spending the day with my girlfriend.
That's all you say. This is not cutting ties with him.
It's balancing the time you spend with him with the
time you spend on your relationship. That's all. You're gonna
(25:28):
be fine, You guys, be brave. You can do it nicely. Okay,
you really can do it nicely. I promise all right
that that brings this segment to an end. I love
to weigh in on other people's love lives because then
it takes my mind off my own problems. It's wonderful Hey,
let's go to break. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
(25:52):
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the home stretch
of the Dr Wendy Wall Show on ki AM six forty.
You know, I have been for many, many years. I've
been giving relationship advice based on the science and what
researchers say we should be doing. I did it for
a number of reasons. When I was a single woman.
(26:13):
I was learning, I was developing my own skill set
set at the time. But now I'm married, and I
practice these things regularly. In fact, when things get tough
between us, and yes we've only been married one year,
we've been together five years, but you know, every once
in a while, yeah I'm an argument or whatever. You're frustrated.
I literally say to myself, Hmmm, what would doctor Wendy
(26:36):
say I should do here?
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Right?
Speaker 2 (26:37):
And I kind of go back in my brain through
the filing cabinet of knowledge that I have, and I
come up with stuff. You know, my favorite researcher is
doctor John Gottman and his wife Julie at the Gotman
Institute at the University of Washington. They have something called
the Marriage Lab that's been going around for a few
decades and they've learned so much about couples, but they've
(26:59):
also helped many couples, and probably the biggest discovery that
they've made is that it's what you could call micro
connections that have the biggest impact. So did you know
that you could dramatically change your relationship? Sorry, I've been
eating nuts on the break. I got an almond in
(27:21):
my throat. That you can dramatically change your relationship or
save your marriage with a five minute conversation every day. Okay, now,
stay with me. According to the Gutmans, right, he calls
them emotional check ins. Right, Couples who daily every day
have a habit of having an emotional check in have
(27:43):
significantly higher relationship satisfaction. Even really short conversations where the
partners feel heard. That can counteract a drift, the drift
that happens as you slowly drift apart in long term relationship.
So you could say something like, how are you really
(28:04):
doing today? And then be quiet, Yeah, listen without interrupting.
Now that's part of it, right, taking the moment to
have a micro connection. Doctor Goutman also says we must
be aware and attentive to the bids for connection that
are partners, the little lines they throw out to us.
(28:26):
We do have to take de bait here, right. So,
his research shows that strong marriages. In strong marriages, partners
respond positively to each other's bids for connection. Now, what's
a bid for connection? It's some kind of tiny attempt
to either engage. It might be just sharing a story
(28:49):
or pointing out something interesting. Okay, if you have teenagers,
you know, as parents, you feel them drifting away, so
you try to bring them in. You'll be driving in
the car and you'll say to your teenager, oh, look
at the cute dog in the car next door, And
your teenager will turn to you and go, why did
you just tell me that? Like, they literally don't take
(29:11):
the bid because they're busy trying to separate. So that
can happen in romantic relationships too. You bring up something
that you've seen or heard or done, and they go,
why are you telling me that? So Gotman says, grab
that line when they throw it out and go ooh
that's so cool, right, don't ignore them. Right. In Gotman's research,
(29:34):
couples who turned toward those bids a little over eighty
percent of the time, we're far more likely to stay
together in the long term. There's also research to say
that these short conversations can lower our stress hormones. That's
good for our health, and it's also good for our relationship.
Positive spousal interactions reduce your cortiso that's the stress hormones
(29:59):
cortisol after a stressful day. So taking five minutes at
the end of the day to just unwind and feel closer.
I want to close by telling you some of the
things I've learned about love over the years, and I
hope that you can put them into practice as I did.
And remember, I learned all of this the hard way. Look,
(30:23):
if you were trying to lose weight, would you go
to that perfect body ectomorph Barbie trainer at the gym?
Or would you take advice from Oprah who's lost weight
and got in shape so many times? Right, So I'm
like the Oprah of love. I've had bad relationships, I
chose bad relationships, I did bad things in my relationship.
I've done it all, and so I learned what works.
(30:47):
So here's a little bit of advice from doctor Wendy.
Choose love even when it's hard. Love maybe begins as
a feeling or you think it's a feeling, but at
a certain point you choose it. So there are days
when you don't like your spouse, but I want you
to choose to love them right and that will strengthen
(31:11):
the bond. It changes your headspace. Also, communicate openly and honestly.
Never expect your partner to be your mind reader, share
your thoughts, your feelings. And I know some of you
are saying, we don't do that in my family. We
don't talk about those things. Yeah, well you can learn.
(31:34):
These are relationship skills to be learned. And when your
partner is opening up, be an active listener, mirror back
to them. Make sure you spend some quality time together.
We get so busy. We've got the kids, we've got
our jobs. We're so busy. Whether it's scheduling a regular
date night or just some time for dedicated activities together.
(31:55):
It helps maintain intimacy and connection. And also, don't try
to change your partner now unless your partner is doing
something that's really detrimental to the relationship, like cheating and
domestic violence and using drugs, and you shouldn't even be there.
If that's happening, get out. But if you're just trying
to change their habits, you know, treat your your partner
(32:15):
the way you would a close friend. You just kind
of accept who they are. You respect their individuality. Right,
that's what you need to do. And the biggest one,
this is huge. Don't hold grudges. Practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is
a gift you give yourself. Have you ever heard the
saying that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping somebody
(32:37):
else will die? Right, just let it go. Nobody's perfect,
everybody makes mistakes. If you learn to forgive each other
without holding on to that resentment, you will go a
long way. I wish you love practice this stuff this week,
wouldja and that the Doctor Wendy wall Show to a close.
(33:02):
I'm always here for you every Sunday night from seven
to nine pm. You're also welcome to follow me on
my social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
I'm working on a new book. It's specifically targeted at
single women. Well, actually any single woman aged eighteen to
eighty could read it. My sweet spot are women twenty
five to forty who are single and want to have
(33:24):
a healthy, secure, monogamous relationship. That may not be everybody,
but that's my Nietzche Niche, nietzsche Niche, that's my market,
that's my people. All right. I'm working on a new book.
I'll let you know when it's coming out. It's fun
writing it, but otherwise I'm here for you every Sunday.
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(33:49):
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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