July 21, 2025 • 36 mins
Dr. Wendy is talking the Cold Play concert that shifted pop culture, Gen Z and Flip phones, and we are getting some Wendy wisdom with her drive by make shift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM-640
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Ok, I Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show. It's always a pleasure to be
with you every Sunday night to talk about my favorite thing,
(00:22):
our love lives, our relationships. If you're new to my show,
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist.
I am a psychology professor. But I've written three books
on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory. And well,
I've had a lot of life experience. Let me just
say it. Some bad things happened to me in my
love life and some good things too. I got married
(00:43):
this year. It was great. Last year. It's almost a
first anniversary. Can you believe that it's coming up in August?
How quickly time for lies? Well, I was in New
York this week working and wow, did a lot of
media call me. Apparently there was a couple who they
went to a little concert together and they got brought
(01:04):
up on the big what's it called a jumbo stran
JumboTron for a kiss cam. If you've been living under
a rock, here's the breakdown of what happened at The
band is called cold Play, not their fault. In fact,
they've been doing a lot of moral things around the world.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Did you know one of.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Their concerts they put up the pictures on the JumboTron
of every state farm agent who dropped people after the
Palisades and Altadena fires. Oh yeah, like they try to
be like the moral authority. They've been running around the world.
They put up a map one time in China of
where all they have the I don't know what they're called,
(01:41):
concentration camps, torture prisons. They put a map of them
up at their concert. So they're like doing this moral work.
And now who knew that they'd be the morality police
in somebody's relationship. So it happened last Wednesday at Gillette
Stadium in Foxborough, which is just outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
So there's this CEO named Andy Byron, and he was
(02:04):
out there at the concert with the woman who he
had hired, who was the head of human resources. Her
name was Kristin Cabot. They call her the chief people officer.
Isn't that cute? Now Here's the important thing that they're
both married to other people, just saying there's some question
about whether she might have been already separated from a husband.
I don't know, but according to the internet, to what,
I'm both married to other people. So at a certain
(02:26):
point in the concert, cold Play said, we're going to
play certain songs.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Based on who we find.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
So they had found somebody whose birthday it was, They
put them up on the screen. They sang some song,
some happy birthday kind of version song. So they go,
let's find some people in love, and they shine the
spotlight on this couple who are snuggling up. And what
you're supposed to do when the kiss cam. You know,
if you've been to a sporting event and they have
a kiss cam, if you're with someone you love and
(02:54):
the camera comes on you and you look up and
you see you're both on the giant jumbo tron, we're
all trained at this point. You turn to the person
and give him a kiss. Now, if they accidentally put
you beside your brother, you laugh and you do a funny, weird,
gross kiss on the cheek or something right like people
do funny stunts these two. Okay, so she literally just
(03:17):
covered her face with both her hands. He ducked right out,
Like how low must he have been? Was he crawling
like a turtle down there? How did he stay out
of frame? Go online if you haven't seen it, he
is like out of the shot.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
And so.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
The Chris whatever, the head of Coldplay, what's that singer's name,
Chris Chris, Chris Martin? Right? He says, well, either that
guy's having an affair or he's pretty shy. Either they're
having an affair or he's pretty shy. So that made
the internet sluice go crazy to figure out who these
people were, and it became viral. I mean, that's all
(03:55):
anybody talked about. Thursday, it was insane. Friday it was insane.
I My opinion, by the way, is that they should
have just kissed each other and moved on and nobody
would have known or cared who they were.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
They would have been too.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Do you think, like, would they have been busted if
they just gave each other peck on the cheek and.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
Yeah, nobody knows they have been. Like it's not like
Beyonce and Jay z or having an affair like nobody
knows you nobody.
Speaker 4 (04:18):
Sure.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
They may have had a bunch of their employees there. Oh,
so that might be part of why they were like immediately.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Trying You're right, wait, that's but if they had a
bunch of their employees there, why were they snuggling up
in front of their employees?
Speaker 5 (04:31):
They were hiding you And they're like, uh that they
were trying to hide it from everybody maybe, and then
once they got on camera, there may have been one
or two of the employees that were there.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
So they were going to be busted anyway.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
The other interest asking for it, yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Uh. And the other interesting thing that the Internet loved
is that very soon after the Internet pounded his wife
with the news, she removed his last name from her
Facebook page. Then she completely deactivated her Facebook page. All right,
let's talk about some of the ethical issues here. First
of all, he is a CEO of a very large company,
(05:10):
things like a billion dollar company or something, and there
are certain rules that we have in business, and certain
rules that are like, you're not supposed to have sex
with the boss is one.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
That's a good one. Right now.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
What's interesting is generally the group that organizes or enforces
these rules about don't fraternize at work is a human
resources department, so here she was the head of human resources. Now,
I do want to say something about what evolutionary psychologists
call extra pair bonding. You know they would evolutionary psychologists
(05:48):
would suggest that nearly fifty percent of humans are monogamous.
But just because we say that doesn't mean that they're
not going to have multiple relationships across the lifespan.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Remember when till Death Do Us Part was invented, death
was pretty imminent, and so as a result, even the
most monogamous of people may have two or three long
stance of monogamy in their lifespan, but they also there's
some overlap sometimes.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I'm just gonna say so, you know, when there's research
to show that.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
When women have an affair, they're most often looking for
a new relationship. When men have an affair, they're most
often looking for fun. Right, not necessarily do they want
a divorce or do they want to break up? So
we also have a system the other fifty percent. Remember,
our society is organized through couple life. And I've never
(06:37):
been so lonely as when I was a single mom
because I felt myself excluded from all kinds of events,
and so we do have somewhat a system of perceived monogamy, right,
or social monogamy some people call it. Now we are
seeing a trend of openness in our culture where those
who don't want to be monogamous or can't be minigos
(07:00):
are practicing something that they call ethical non monogamy, where
they're being communicated, communicative and honest about what they're looking for.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
But the thing with this couple.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Is that they both had definitely social monogamy, perceived minogamy,
and I don't think their partners knew.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
It's different if you have an open relationship and you say, honey,
I'm going to be having this affair, so anyway, getting
back to the workplace totally unethical. I mean, she's the
one who's supposed to enforce the no fratinizing at work
kind of thing, and yet she's the one who's having
(07:41):
the affair with the big boss.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
So I Also, the other thing that has come up
out of this is this idea that we can expect
privacy anywhere when we're indoors anywhere. I don't know if
you've looked around to see cameras.
Speaker 4 (07:57):
Look up.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Okay, brother is fully here.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
We cannot expect any version of privacy outside the doors
of our own home. I don't even let that girl
Alexa in my home because I know she tells people stuff. Okay,
so I don't if I even have robots.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
In my home. Oh, I have to tell you the
funny story.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
So last night, last night, the night before, oh maybe
it was just last night, some new neighbors moved in upstairs,
and they happened to be some twenty something guys, and
they had a huge, big party. It's like two in
the morning. They come home from some club and it's
just crazy, right. So all of a sudden, the speaker
in my house starts playing their EDM music super loud.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
What do you think happened, Kayla, Your Bluetooth textas are
there to do?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Yes? And so they saw something called cool box or whatever,
and they connected it, and then because they couldn't hear
it well enough, they kept turning it up two in
the morning. Like I said, we don't even have privacy
in our own home. Our neighbors are working our speakers
for it was insane. Speaking of tech, when we come back,
(09:03):
there's a new trend with gen Z that they're calling
flip phone Summer. I think we all need to chill
when it comes to social media and everything. So let's
talk about how we can practice a little digital detox
when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live Everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
I love this song, caf I Am Sixporty.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Wall Show where they held my phone. Caitlyn,
Where did you get that song?
Speaker 3 (09:34):
That is a Lizzo song? And that is a songer. Yeah,
Brigina loves it too. It's a good one. That's my phone. Yeah, man,
all of.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Us run it around. Where is our phone?
Speaker 1 (09:45):
So? I don't know if you know I've talked about
it a little bit, but I did a full on
social media detox for like a year last year. Now
you're a year before or whatever, us busy planning my waiting, okay,
on things to do. So uh, I will tell you
that my brain changed during that time. It's not that
I don't love all you people online. And by the way,
(10:05):
I'm saying all you people because right now, if you
want to come into the studio, you just come on
to my social media. Go onto Instagram. I'm live on
Instagram right now. Hey, Instagram followers, is nice to see you.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
So we're talking. We were talking before.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
The break about our perception of whether we deserve privacy.
I told you, we don't get privacy. Whether we think
we deserve it or not doesn't matter. We don't get
it except maybe in the privacy of our own home,
unlessia have robots and Alexa and people using your stereo
speakers in the middle of the night. And so I
(10:43):
was reading today that there's a trend with those those
little gen z yours, those those what are they twenty
something now into their thirty Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Twenty something? No, god, no, I'm a millennial.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Oh you're millennial. Yeah, so cool.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Yeah, they're having a flip phone summer now out to
know about you. The last time I used a flip phone?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Did you know?
Speaker 1 (11:06):
It has like a keyboard, and in order to type
a word, you have to press the button over and
over to get to the right letter, Like if number
one is ABC, if you want to get to the CEE,
you have to press one three times. It takes forever
to send a text, is what I'm trying to say.
But apparently you can buy an old fashioned flip phone
online for about one hundred bucks that does nothing but
(11:28):
texts and makes phone calls, and young people are doing
this just to give their brains a break because there's
too much coming into their phones. What does the research say. Well,
a twenty twenty two study published in cyber Psychology. They
have an academic journal for everything cyber Psychology, behavior, and
(11:48):
Social Networking. They found that people in one study, participants
who restricted social media use to just thirty minutes a
day for three weeks. Thirty minutes a day, we can
do this for three weeks had reduced anxiety, lower depressive symptoms,
and just general improved well being. All right, Another study
(12:09):
from twenty twenty that was in the Journal of Behavioral
Addictions showed that a one week smartphone detox a whole
week improved sleep quality. I get that concentration and mood regulation.
I you know, I have this friend or this woman
that I used to know. I guess I could still
call her friends. I like her, she likes me, but
(12:29):
we haven't been in touch since pre COVID isn't that
weird how COVID becomes this line between some of your friendships.
It's the ones that were not really close, and then
you stayed in touch with your close friends. It's interesting anyway.
She's Orthodox Jewish practicing, and so one time I called her,
I want to get together for dinner on a Friday night.
She's like, oh no, no, we practice the Sabbath and
we do a no tech from sundown on Friday too,
(12:52):
and we don't drive, and we don't and I was like,
I'm so envious. So she and her family for twenty
four hours from sundown on Friday, and I'm sure plenty
of people do this, but I was amazed because not
so much in my social world until sundown on Saturday.
It's just her and her family, her young adult kids.
(13:13):
They talk, they play games, they cook, they hang out.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Sounds like a time machine, like the sixties all over again.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
No TV, no streaming, no social media, no phone calls.
And she says they all feel so good once it's over,
like it's just this twenty four hour space for their
brain to heal. Who knew that this would be so
good for us? A twenty eighteen study published an environment
(13:41):
and behavior. Found that people who unplugged for a weekend
in nature, going to add the nature thing for a minute,
had higher mindfulness, greater life satisfaction, enhanced social connection, and
I'll betcha they had stronger immune systems. There's so much
research to show that time and nature increases your immune
system cells. All right, So I decided to put together
(14:03):
a handy dandy checklist of ways that you can do
your own kind of digital detox at home.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
That's easy.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
That's not like, oh, hide the phones for two weeks,
how are you going to survive? But some simple things
that we can all do so that we can, you know,
reduce our own anxiety, make our attention span a little longer.
You know, I was a plane. I was simple of
my attention span. I'm already going somewhere else and a butterfly.
I was on a plane from New York last night
(14:33):
night I sat with an author that I mean, American
Airlines put me beside an author. I wasn't having an
affair with an author, and the kiss cam caught me
none of that.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
So anyway, and.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
He writes novels and he teaches writing at USC and
we were talking about the attention spans of our students,
and how now the textbooks just have brightly colored chunks
of information and bubbles of stuff and pictures because they
can't even get through a book right, attention spans? All right,
So first thing I want to say is take a
(15:03):
moment to reflect and ask yourself why why you need
that darn phone so much? So you might say, what
is the thing I miss most when I'm not using
my phone? It might be like better sleep, It might
be fomo, I'm worried I'm going to miss out on
stuff that other people are doing, whatever it is, So
think about your why, and then I want you to
(15:25):
choose something that's attainable.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Not a week.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
A week is too much, a three day window, just
a three We can all manage three days, right, Maybe
a long weekend, a few days of study break if
you're in school, some travel time, and use that to recalibate,
calibrate your brain. Now that doesn't mean don't ever look
at your phone. What I'd like you to do for
three days is keep only messaging music and maps.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
The three ms.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
I would need the maps, just saying I would need
the maps, because then you won't feel freaked out that
you don't know where you are, so messaging music and maps,
and of course always keep the phone part on. You
want to talk to people, right, So things you want
off limits, TikTok, HeiG, oops x, YouTube, Breddit, gaming apps,
(16:17):
and you could even like take you could take your phone.
Did you ever sit on a plane or a bus
or train or in traffic if you're a passenger, and
reorganize your phone I do. I make new file folders
and I slide things in, make a folder called far later.
And you know what you're gonna put in everything for later,
all those things I said you're not supposed to use.
This is another really important thing. Turn off your phone
(16:38):
at night. Make sure you have it programmed into a
sleep mode, so the no pings in bang. You need
to get good sleep during this time. You don't want
a bunch of pings. You don't want phone calls the
way I've set up my phone, and don't ask me
how to do it. I did it once I figured
it out. I can never figure it out again. Is
my phone shuts off completely at ten o'clock, It makes
a little noise like a lullaby sound, and nothing will
(17:00):
interrupt it until six am. So that I'm guaranteed eight
hours with my phone doing nothing except because I know
you're worried. I made some exceptions for people I love,
and those happen to be my two kids and my husband.
So my kids can call me at three in the
morning I'm having a drama, but they don't. But they
don't call enough, is what I'm saying. But anyway, they
(17:22):
are free to call me at any time.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
So put your do not.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Disturb on your phone, and it is really important to
keep your phone out of reach when you sleep. And
the way you solve that is you put your charger
out in the kitchen. Now, I know, if you're in
a studio apartment, in the kitchen's beside your bed, what
can you do? Put it under your but put a bathroom.
I'm sure you have a door in that bathroom. Put
it somewhere else. And after three days, just also fill
that space where you would be on social media by
(17:47):
doing something good for yourself, cooking a really healthy meal,
going for a walk in nature, doing some art, reading
a book, doing a puzzle, calling a friend, calling a friend,
have a real conversation. Hey, when we come back, I
am going to be taking your relationship questions by phone.
The phone number is one eight hundred five two zero
(18:09):
one five three four. That's one eight hundred five two
zero one. KFI Producer Kayla's going to head in the
studio answer the phone if you've got a relationship question.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Remember I'm not a therapist.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
I'm a psychology professor, but I've had a ton of
life experience and i love to weigh in on people's
love lives. One eight hundred five two zero one five
three four. You're listening to the Doctor Wendywall Show on
KFI AM six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor wendywallsh Show, and this is the
time of the show when I am taking your calls
and going to social media to answer your relationship questions.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. That's one eight hundred five to zero
one five three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have?
Speaker 2 (19:05):
First?
Speaker 3 (19:05):
We have Andrew with a question.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
Andrew, Hi Andrew, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, what's your question.
Speaker 6 (19:15):
My question is, are there any drawbacks to dating someone
who is about three years older than you when you
happen to be the male and they are the email So,
in other words, the.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Age difference matter if she's older by about three.
Speaker 6 (19:29):
Years, Yes, and especially if she mentions you after your
third day that she usually goes out with guys who
are on an average nine years older than her. And yeah, Andrew,
I'm going to tell you.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
I'm going to tell you a little story. So at
the very beginning of my relationship with my now husband Julio,
a number of times he said the weirdest thing, and
it was, you know, I usually don't go out with blondes.
I usually prefer brunettes. I prefer brunettes. I kept saying,
why are you telling me this? And what does this mean?
And you know what it meant nothing. It was literally
(20:05):
him just making sense of it in his brain. So,
if you're going out with somebody who's only three years older,
big deal. And she says, oh, you should go out
with guys older than me, she just makes sense of
it in her brain. She's just going, Huh, this is
different but she's saying it out loud, maybe with an extrovert.
Thanks for calling, Andrew, don't you worry one little bit? Okay,
who do we have next, Producer, Kayla.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
We have Jessica with a question.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Jessica. Hi, Jessica, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Helly.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
What's your question? Love?
Speaker 7 (20:35):
Yes, I want to know. I've started seeing somebody who's
been dating for about three three and a half months,
and I just want to know if I'm self sabotaging
or if I'm painting the red flags green. How can
I know that?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Oh, give me an example, Well, how do you think
you're self sabotaging?
Speaker 7 (20:53):
It just seems like everything is great. I mean, there's
a couple differences where I have no kid, he has
multiple kids, and I don't want any kids. But at
the same time, it just seems like everything is great,
and I've been super happy being single, and then all
of a sudden, I met him, and I feel like
(21:16):
I'm very guarded.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
So what do you want? What kind of relationship do
you want?
Speaker 8 (21:23):
Were one where I don't I feel like I don't
lose myself because my previous marriages I felt like I
did because I tend to put a lot into the
other person. And that's why I've enjoyed myself being single.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
So you liked being single, and single seem to be
a protection from you losing yourself in a relationship. So
now you're with somebody and you basically think you're painting
red flags green. In other words, you're doing your same patterns,
which is going all in no matter what. And I
heard something here, Jessica that was interesting. You said he
(21:59):
had as kids. You don't have kids, and you don't
want kids. Well, if he's got kids and you're going
to be together, you're going to have kids. And this
is a major, major lifestyle decision. So instead of asking yourself,
oh am I painting these red flags green, why don't
you like literally get into the weeds with them and
(22:21):
talk about life goals. Three and a half months is
around the time when these conversations come up, values, goals,
et cetera. It is possible to have a healthy, committed,
long term relationship and still not lose yourself. So slow
down the pace and talk about your feelings. I think
that's what you need to do. Okay, Producer Kayla, should
(22:43):
I head to social media while we're waiting for.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Well, we have a talkback.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Oh, we have a talkback. What do we got listen
getting it? You're getting it? Yeah, somebody called in, you
can call it. Here we go. Nope, heart a computer.
Speaker 4 (22:59):
Sun windy.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (23:02):
Tattoos or no tattoos? What say you?
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Well, I don't know if you're asking me about my
personal preference for tattoos or no tattoos, or whether, in general,
if somebody with tattoos is datable or not. And I
think it really really depends on your own personal taste.
You know, how we adorn ourselves, whether it's how we dress,
how we do our hair and makeup, is really an
(23:31):
advertisement to the world. And if you put art on
your body, you're sending a message. Sometimes it's a very
clear message. There's some people who put religious messages in
their tattoos, and sometimes it's like snakes and skulls, and
I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but probably
wouldn't be attracted to that. Some people are true artists
and their whole body becomes a canvas, and what they're
(23:54):
really doing is advertising who they are and who they
and excluding those who they know will not be attracted
to this. Okay, So if you're asking me about me personally.
I'm of a generation where, you know, the odd little
tattoo in a discreet place is perfectly okay. But I'm
(24:14):
not on the full lots and you know, but personal preference,
some people are right there and they love tattoos, all right,
So if you like to call in the numbers one
eight hundred five two zero, one five three four. But
right now, let me go to my social media. If
you'd like to send me a DM, go to Instagram
at doctor Wendy Walsh. Here's a question that came in,
(24:35):
Dear doctor Wendy. My guy and I have totally different
love languages. He's into physical touch and I prefer words
of affirmation. Can this work long term?
Speaker 2 (24:47):
All right?
Speaker 1 (24:47):
We need to pause here and remind everybody that there's
no scientific research behind this love language best selling book.
It was written by a Christian pastor who can souls
couples and happen to notice that there's different ways that
some people receive or express love. But a better framework
(25:08):
to look at the health of a relationship is through
a lens of attachment theory. And I would venture to
say that some people's love language is really a version
of their attachment style. So the thing that bothers me
when people ask me about love languages is they talk
about it in terms of their needs. You know, I
(25:31):
need words of affirmation, he needs that, you know. How
about I got to know my partner better, and I'm
trying to understand and give to him in the way
that he wants to receive. I believe that love is
an action word. It's a verb, and the verb is
(25:51):
to give. And so being fixated on well if I
don't feel love this way because they didn't give me
that love language and I can't feel love is really limiting,
really limiting. How about saying I want to know you better.
This is one of the many ways I can know
you better. I will do my best to help meet
(26:15):
your needs. But you can't hinge the entire relationship on
whether somebody gets enough compliments something like that. All right,
moving along, dear doctor Wendy. I love my partner, but
I'm starting to feel like we want different things out
of life. How do I know when to compromise and
(26:35):
when to let go? That's the million dollar question, isn't
it right? So relationships are about compromise, and I will
promise you this that what two people can accomplish and
achieve together is far greater than any individual can do alone.
Long term, committed people tend to have better mental health,
(26:56):
better physical health, and they accumulate more wealth. I will
tell you from personal experience, since I just got married
last year, then my life feels so easy because somebody
else is doing half of the mental work, whether the
work is you know, physical labor or domestic labor help,
or whether that work is just taking care of you know,
(27:16):
travel plans and making reservations, or whether the work is
actually worrying for me so I don't.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Have to worry.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
And so when you have two brains doing one life,
life can be easier. So your question is you two
want different things out of life, and I'd need to
know more about what those things are. If it's huge
things like I want kids and he doesn't want kids.
(27:44):
You have every right to pro create. You have every
right to go find a partner who you can procreate with.
It is not your job to change anybody. I definitely
want to say that.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
So I think.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
I think you've got to spend some time thinking about
out how important this relationship is to you, whether you're
willing to compromise, because there are some people who just
don't compromise and then they never get the benefits of
using two minds. And think about what some of those
things in life that the two of you want differently are,
because I bet you there's some common ground you can
(28:17):
come to or else don't keep dragging him through it. Right,
all right, we have to go to break and when
we come back, I'm going to head back to social media.
If you have a if you have a question, to
send a DM to me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI
AM six forty or live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
And welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
I'm going to come AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. I'm going to head to my social
media again. Let me look at the dms here and
see what people have been sending in. If you have
a question, you're always welcome to send it to my Instagram.
I think Kayleb's checking that at Dr Wendy Walsh at
doctor Walsh.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Uh ah, here's what okay.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Dear doctor Wendy, I lived a happy single life and
now I'm in a relationship and struggling to transition. Huh,
my old lovers tempt me weekly. Should I tell my
new partner or deal with this on my own? I
haven't cheated, but the temptation of my old life is
hard to resist at times. So it sounds like you're
(29:29):
now on a healthy relationship diet and you want to
fall off the wagon and go get some McDonald's or something. Uh,
it's interesting. I lived a happy single life, you know what. Okay,
So here's the thing. What does what does your happy
single life entail? Are you prefer to have multiple partners?
(29:50):
If so, you have no business being in a one
on one relationship with somebody if our culture tells you
that that's what you should do. If it's not for you,
don't do. On the other hand, if it's just a
little drug high because sex is a drug that you want,
then maybe you're afraid of growing the intimacy in your new, primary,
(30:13):
committed relationship. These are questions that you and your therapist
should really explore to get to the bottom of it.
But I'm not sure if your new relationship is new
and very vulnerable. I'm not sure that you should be
talking to them about these temptations. I think you should
be talking to a therapist about it because it's something
(30:34):
internally going on with you. I'm not a big believer
of keeping secrets from your partner, but this is really
a war inside yourself, right, and I kind of think
you should keep it private until you have figured it out.
But don't cheat until you figured it out, all right,
Dear doctor Wendy, we have been married for ten years,
but it feels now like we're more like roommates than partners.
(30:57):
How do I bring the spark back? Okay? So I
want everybody to understand that at the beginning of any relationship,
there are a cocktail of neuro hormones that bring you
together into a wonderful party called lust. And it is
so exciting. You get butterflies in your stomach, your heart
beats fast when you see them. The sex is fabulous,
and after a while it doesn't feel that way.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Now.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
A good, healthy relationship should become mature, companionate love. You
should be able to talk about sexuality. The frequency of
sex may go down. In fact, there's research to show
that a better sign of a healthy relationship is frequency
of touching and frequency of kissing more than frequency of sex.
(31:41):
But if you're feeling more like roommates and partners, it
tells me that you're not talking about anything tender. You're
not talking about your emotional feelings. You know, it's been
ten years, and I promise you you're not the same
people that began ten years ago.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
So I would suggest.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
That you get a little vulnerable again, that you start
to share your feelings, because at the end of the day,
it's that emotional intimacy that becomes the glue that keeps
people together. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm in a long distance
relationship and lately my partner takes hours to respond to texts.
How do I address it without sounding clingy? What's wrong
(32:22):
with sounding clingy? What's wrong with having needs? What's wrong
with saying, hey, dude, we need to have better communication.
I need to hear from you faster. I'm telling you,
high value men and women are unafraid to state their needs.
But I'll tell you this, if he's taking law or she, well,
(32:44):
there's no gender on this one. Longer and longer and
longer to respond to texts, that's a sign it's almost over,
so you're either going to reel it back in by
being having standards.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Standards are different than.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Being clingy and being weak. Just have some standards that
say no, this is this is what I need in
a relationship, okay, or maybe it's over and they're just
weaning you off.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
That's not good. That's not good.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
All right, Moving on, dear doctor Wendy. I found out
that my partner has a Finsta. If you don't know
what a finsta is, it's a fake Instagram. It's like
a different name, but it's all their pictures and they
just make it private and they just let in a
few little friends that they show stuff too, so it's
not like a.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Big public one.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
It's just a little Finsta. So my partner posts things
there that they never share with me. Should I be
concerned or give them privacy? Well, having a Finsta is
a lot different than having a diary that you put
between the mattresses on the bed and mean for nobody
else to read. A Finsta still has an audience, and
(33:52):
the audience are those people in the private room. So
your partner is having a kind of emotion intimacy with
the with that audience. Now, I don't know who is
in his private room or her private room in the
finsta is it? You know they're a couple, childhood friends,
a sibling, whatever. Okay, maybe feel safe. But if it's
(34:15):
a bunch of friends and you're not involved, yeah, you
should be worried. You should be concerned, okay, because that's weird.
It's like they're growing another identity outside of you. Now,
we do, oh, we do have to grow as two
separate people, but we let our partner know we're growing.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
Right.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
Remember, a relationship is like two ven diagrams. It's like
a ven diagram, two overlapping circles. There's one person on
one circle, one person in the other circle, and the
overlap in the middle is the relationship. Yes, it's okay
to grow, but you've got to share it with the
middle part of the circle.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Right.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
You don't want to grow in privacy somewhere because that's Yeah,
it feels like they're shutting you out. Yeah, I'd bring
it up. I'd bring it up, right, I think I
have time for one more. Dear doctor, Wendy. My husband
always sides with his family when we argue about boundaries.
Is this a red flag or just a family loyalty thing. Well,
I don't know what you mean, but a red flag
(35:08):
because he's already your husband, So red flag for what?
Like red flags are usually people who are dating going ah,
I shouldn't marry this person, right because there's a red flag,
you're already in it. Red flags doesn't matter all. They
could be a whole racecourse filled with red flags. You're
in the car with him driving, all right. So I
think the way to deal with this is to simply
(35:30):
comment on it.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Again.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
I don't like it when people say you always and
you never, because nobody always does anything and nobody never
does anything.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
I think what you're.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Gonna say the next time you're in a little bit
of an argument and he's siding with his family, you're
gonna say, I see that you want to protect your family.
And I feel a little bit when you do that
that I'm excluded and you're not on my side and
we're not a team, and that makes me worry about
our relationship and where our marriage is going. I'm wondering
(36:05):
if it's possible for you to imagine what I'm experiencing
in this conversation, right instead of you always just take
your mom's side. Don't say that, Just explain how this
impacts you and what your feelings are like.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
All right, when we come back.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
I have something for both single women and single men
who would like to be high value men in women's eyes.
How to spot a high value man when you're dating.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty Relive Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (36:40):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Ok, I Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show. It's always a pleasure to be
with you every Sunday night to talk about my favorite thing,
(00:22):
our love lives, our relationships. If you're new to my show,
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist.
I am a psychology professor. But I've written three books
on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory. And well,
I've had a lot of life experience. Let me just
say it. Some bad things happened to me in my
love life and some good things too. I got married
(00:43):
this year. It was great. Last year. It's almost a
first anniversary. Can you believe that it's coming up in August?
How quickly time for lies? Well, I was in New
York this week working and wow, did a lot of
media call me. Apparently there was a couple who they
went to a little concert together and they got brought
(01:04):
up on the big what's it called a jumbo stran
JumboTron for a kiss cam. If you've been living under
a rock, here's the breakdown of what happened at The
band is called cold Play, not their fault. In fact,
they've been doing a lot of moral things around the world.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Did you know one of.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Their concerts they put up the pictures on the JumboTron
of every state farm agent who dropped people after the
Palisades and Altadena fires. Oh yeah, like they try to
be like the moral authority. They've been running around the world.
They put up a map one time in China of
where all they have the I don't know what they're called,
(01:41):
concentration camps, torture prisons. They put a map of them
up at their concert. So they're like doing this moral work.
And now who knew that they'd be the morality police
in somebody's relationship. So it happened last Wednesday at Gillette
Stadium in Foxborough, which is just outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
So there's this CEO named Andy Byron, and he was
(02:04):
out there at the concert with the woman who he
had hired, who was the head of human resources. Her
name was Kristin Cabot. They call her the chief people officer.
Isn't that cute? Now Here's the important thing that they're
both married to other people, just saying there's some question
about whether she might have been already separated from a husband.
I don't know, but according to the internet, to what,
I'm both married to other people. So at a certain
(02:26):
point in the concert, cold Play said, we're going to
play certain songs.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Based on who we find.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
So they had found somebody whose birthday it was, They
put them up on the screen. They sang some song,
some happy birthday kind of version song. So they go,
let's find some people in love, and they shine the
spotlight on this couple who are snuggling up. And what
you're supposed to do when the kiss cam. You know,
if you've been to a sporting event and they have
a kiss cam, if you're with someone you love and
(02:54):
the camera comes on you and you look up and
you see you're both on the giant jumbo tron, we're
all trained at this point. You turn to the person
and give him a kiss. Now, if they accidentally put
you beside your brother, you laugh and you do a funny, weird,
gross kiss on the cheek or something right like people
do funny stunts these two. Okay, so she literally just
(03:17):
covered her face with both her hands. He ducked right out,
Like how low must he have been? Was he crawling
like a turtle down there? How did he stay out
of frame? Go online if you haven't seen it, he
is like out of the shot.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
And so.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
The Chris whatever, the head of Coldplay, what's that singer's name,
Chris Chris, Chris Martin? Right? He says, well, either that
guy's having an affair or he's pretty shy. Either they're
having an affair or he's pretty shy. So that made
the internet sluice go crazy to figure out who these
people were, and it became viral. I mean, that's all
(03:55):
anybody talked about. Thursday, it was insane. Friday it was insane.
I My opinion, by the way, is that they should
have just kissed each other and moved on and nobody
would have known or cared who they were.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
They would have been too.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Do you think, like, would they have been busted if
they just gave each other peck on the cheek and.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
Yeah, nobody knows they have been. Like it's not like
Beyonce and Jay z or having an affair like nobody
knows you nobody.
Speaker 4 (04:18):
Sure.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
They may have had a bunch of their employees there. Oh,
so that might be part of why they were like immediately.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Trying You're right, wait, that's but if they had a
bunch of their employees there, why were they snuggling up
in front of their employees?
Speaker 5 (04:31):
They were hiding you And they're like, uh that they
were trying to hide it from everybody maybe, and then
once they got on camera, there may have been one
or two of the employees that were there.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
So they were going to be busted anyway.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
The other interest asking for it, yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Uh. And the other interesting thing that the Internet loved
is that very soon after the Internet pounded his wife
with the news, she removed his last name from her
Facebook page. Then she completely deactivated her Facebook page. All right,
let's talk about some of the ethical issues here. First
of all, he is a CEO of a very large company,
(05:10):
things like a billion dollar company or something, and there
are certain rules that we have in business, and certain
rules that are like, you're not supposed to have sex
with the boss is one.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
That's a good one. Right now.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
What's interesting is generally the group that organizes or enforces
these rules about don't fraternize at work is a human
resources department, so here she was the head of human resources. Now,
I do want to say something about what evolutionary psychologists
call extra pair bonding. You know they would evolutionary psychologists
(05:48):
would suggest that nearly fifty percent of humans are monogamous.
But just because we say that doesn't mean that they're
not going to have multiple relationships across the lifespan.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Remember when till Death Do Us Part was invented, death
was pretty imminent, and so as a result, even the
most monogamous of people may have two or three long
stance of monogamy in their lifespan, but they also there's
some overlap sometimes.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I'm just gonna say so, you know, when there's research
to show that.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
When women have an affair, they're most often looking for
a new relationship. When men have an affair, they're most
often looking for fun. Right, not necessarily do they want
a divorce or do they want to break up? So
we also have a system the other fifty percent. Remember,
our society is organized through couple life. And I've never
(06:37):
been so lonely as when I was a single mom
because I felt myself excluded from all kinds of events,
and so we do have somewhat a system of perceived monogamy, right,
or social monogamy some people call it. Now we are
seeing a trend of openness in our culture where those
who don't want to be monogamous or can't be minigos
(07:00):
are practicing something that they call ethical non monogamy, where
they're being communicated, communicative and honest about what they're looking for.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
But the thing with this couple.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Is that they both had definitely social monogamy, perceived minogamy,
and I don't think their partners knew.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
It's different if you have an open relationship and you say, honey,
I'm going to be having this affair, so anyway, getting
back to the workplace totally unethical. I mean, she's the
one who's supposed to enforce the no fratinizing at work
kind of thing, and yet she's the one who's having
(07:41):
the affair with the big boss.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
So I Also, the other thing that has come up
out of this is this idea that we can expect
privacy anywhere when we're indoors anywhere. I don't know if
you've looked around to see cameras.
Speaker 4 (07:57):
Look up.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Okay, brother is fully here.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
We cannot expect any version of privacy outside the doors
of our own home. I don't even let that girl
Alexa in my home because I know she tells people stuff. Okay,
so I don't if I even have robots.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
In my home. Oh, I have to tell you the
funny story.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
So last night, last night, the night before, oh maybe
it was just last night, some new neighbors moved in upstairs,
and they happened to be some twenty something guys, and
they had a huge, big party. It's like two in
the morning. They come home from some club and it's
just crazy, right. So all of a sudden, the speaker
in my house starts playing their EDM music super loud.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
What do you think happened, Kayla, Your Bluetooth textas are
there to do?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Yes? And so they saw something called cool box or whatever,
and they connected it, and then because they couldn't hear
it well enough, they kept turning it up two in
the morning. Like I said, we don't even have privacy
in our own home. Our neighbors are working our speakers
for it was insane. Speaking of tech, when we come back,
(09:03):
there's a new trend with gen Z that they're calling
flip phone Summer. I think we all need to chill
when it comes to social media and everything. So let's
talk about how we can practice a little digital detox
when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live Everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
I love this song, caf I Am Sixporty.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Wall Show where they held my phone. Caitlyn,
Where did you get that song?
Speaker 3 (09:34):
That is a Lizzo song? And that is a songer. Yeah,
Brigina loves it too. It's a good one. That's my phone. Yeah, man,
all of.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Us run it around. Where is our phone?
Speaker 1 (09:45):
So? I don't know if you know I've talked about
it a little bit, but I did a full on
social media detox for like a year last year. Now
you're a year before or whatever, us busy planning my waiting, okay,
on things to do. So uh, I will tell you
that my brain changed during that time. It's not that
I don't love all you people online. And by the way,
(10:05):
I'm saying all you people because right now, if you
want to come into the studio, you just come on
to my social media. Go onto Instagram. I'm live on
Instagram right now. Hey, Instagram followers, is nice to see you.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
So we're talking. We were talking before.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
The break about our perception of whether we deserve privacy.
I told you, we don't get privacy. Whether we think
we deserve it or not doesn't matter. We don't get
it except maybe in the privacy of our own home,
unlessia have robots and Alexa and people using your stereo
speakers in the middle of the night. And so I
(10:43):
was reading today that there's a trend with those those
little gen z yours, those those what are they twenty
something now into their thirty Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Twenty something? No, god, no, I'm a millennial.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Oh you're millennial. Yeah, so cool.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Yeah, they're having a flip phone summer now out to
know about you. The last time I used a flip phone?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Did you know?
Speaker 1 (11:06):
It has like a keyboard, and in order to type
a word, you have to press the button over and
over to get to the right letter, Like if number
one is ABC, if you want to get to the CEE,
you have to press one three times. It takes forever
to send a text, is what I'm trying to say.
But apparently you can buy an old fashioned flip phone
online for about one hundred bucks that does nothing but
(11:28):
texts and makes phone calls, and young people are doing
this just to give their brains a break because there's
too much coming into their phones. What does the research say. Well,
a twenty twenty two study published in cyber Psychology. They
have an academic journal for everything cyber Psychology, behavior, and
(11:48):
Social Networking. They found that people in one study, participants
who restricted social media use to just thirty minutes a
day for three weeks. Thirty minutes a day, we can
do this for three weeks had reduced anxiety, lower depressive symptoms,
and just general improved well being. All right, Another study
(12:09):
from twenty twenty that was in the Journal of Behavioral
Addictions showed that a one week smartphone detox a whole
week improved sleep quality. I get that concentration and mood regulation.
I you know, I have this friend or this woman
that I used to know. I guess I could still
call her friends. I like her, she likes me, but
(12:29):
we haven't been in touch since pre COVID isn't that
weird how COVID becomes this line between some of your friendships.
It's the ones that were not really close, and then
you stayed in touch with your close friends. It's interesting anyway.
She's Orthodox Jewish practicing, and so one time I called her,
I want to get together for dinner on a Friday night.
She's like, oh no, no, we practice the Sabbath and
we do a no tech from sundown on Friday too,
(12:52):
and we don't drive, and we don't and I was like,
I'm so envious. So she and her family for twenty
four hours from sundown on Friday, and I'm sure plenty
of people do this, but I was amazed because not
so much in my social world until sundown on Saturday.
It's just her and her family, her young adult kids.
(13:13):
They talk, they play games, they cook, they hang out.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Sounds like a time machine, like the sixties all over again.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
No TV, no streaming, no social media, no phone calls.
And she says they all feel so good once it's over,
like it's just this twenty four hour space for their
brain to heal. Who knew that this would be so
good for us? A twenty eighteen study published an environment
(13:41):
and behavior. Found that people who unplugged for a weekend
in nature, going to add the nature thing for a minute,
had higher mindfulness, greater life satisfaction, enhanced social connection, and
I'll betcha they had stronger immune systems. There's so much
research to show that time and nature increases your immune
system cells. All right, So I decided to put together
(14:03):
a handy dandy checklist of ways that you can do
your own kind of digital detox at home.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
That's easy.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
That's not like, oh, hide the phones for two weeks,
how are you going to survive? But some simple things
that we can all do so that we can, you know,
reduce our own anxiety, make our attention span a little longer.
You know, I was a plane. I was simple of
my attention span. I'm already going somewhere else and a butterfly.
I was on a plane from New York last night
(14:33):
night I sat with an author that I mean, American
Airlines put me beside an author. I wasn't having an
affair with an author, and the kiss cam caught me
none of that.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
So anyway, and.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
He writes novels and he teaches writing at USC and
we were talking about the attention spans of our students,
and how now the textbooks just have brightly colored chunks
of information and bubbles of stuff and pictures because they
can't even get through a book right, attention spans? All right,
So first thing I want to say is take a
(15:03):
moment to reflect and ask yourself why why you need
that darn phone so much? So you might say, what
is the thing I miss most when I'm not using
my phone? It might be like better sleep, It might
be fomo, I'm worried I'm going to miss out on
stuff that other people are doing, whatever it is, So
think about your why, and then I want you to
(15:25):
choose something that's attainable.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Not a week.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
A week is too much, a three day window, just
a three We can all manage three days, right, Maybe
a long weekend, a few days of study break if
you're in school, some travel time, and use that to recalibate,
calibrate your brain. Now that doesn't mean don't ever look
at your phone. What I'd like you to do for
three days is keep only messaging music and maps.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
The three ms.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
I would need the maps, just saying I would need
the maps, because then you won't feel freaked out that
you don't know where you are, so messaging music and maps,
and of course always keep the phone part on. You
want to talk to people, right, So things you want
off limits, TikTok, HeiG, oops x, YouTube, Breddit, gaming apps,
(16:17):
and you could even like take you could take your phone.
Did you ever sit on a plane or a bus
or train or in traffic if you're a passenger, and
reorganize your phone I do. I make new file folders
and I slide things in, make a folder called far later.
And you know what you're gonna put in everything for later,
all those things I said you're not supposed to use.
This is another really important thing. Turn off your phone
(16:38):
at night. Make sure you have it programmed into a
sleep mode, so the no pings in bang. You need
to get good sleep during this time. You don't want
a bunch of pings. You don't want phone calls the
way I've set up my phone, and don't ask me
how to do it. I did it once I figured
it out. I can never figure it out again. Is
my phone shuts off completely at ten o'clock, It makes
a little noise like a lullaby sound, and nothing will
(17:00):
interrupt it until six am. So that I'm guaranteed eight
hours with my phone doing nothing except because I know
you're worried. I made some exceptions for people I love,
and those happen to be my two kids and my husband.
So my kids can call me at three in the
morning I'm having a drama, but they don't. But they
don't call enough, is what I'm saying. But anyway, they
(17:22):
are free to call me at any time.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
So put your do not.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Disturb on your phone, and it is really important to
keep your phone out of reach when you sleep. And
the way you solve that is you put your charger
out in the kitchen. Now, I know, if you're in
a studio apartment, in the kitchen's beside your bed, what
can you do? Put it under your but put a bathroom.
I'm sure you have a door in that bathroom. Put
it somewhere else. And after three days, just also fill
that space where you would be on social media by
(17:47):
doing something good for yourself, cooking a really healthy meal,
going for a walk in nature, doing some art, reading
a book, doing a puzzle, calling a friend, calling a friend,
have a real conversation. Hey, when we come back, I
am going to be taking your relationship questions by phone.
The phone number is one eight hundred five two zero
(18:09):
one five three four. That's one eight hundred five two
zero one. KFI Producer Kayla's going to head in the
studio answer the phone if you've got a relationship question.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Remember I'm not a therapist.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
I'm a psychology professor, but I've had a ton of
life experience and i love to weigh in on people's
love lives. One eight hundred five two zero one five
three four. You're listening to the Doctor Wendywall Show on
KFI AM six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor wendywallsh Show, and this is the
time of the show when I am taking your calls
and going to social media to answer your relationship questions.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. That's one eight hundred five to zero
one five three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have?
Speaker 2 (19:05):
First?
Speaker 3 (19:05):
We have Andrew with a question.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
Andrew, Hi Andrew, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, what's your question.
Speaker 6 (19:15):
My question is, are there any drawbacks to dating someone
who is about three years older than you when you
happen to be the male and they are the email So,
in other words, the.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Age difference matter if she's older by about three.
Speaker 6 (19:29):
Years, Yes, and especially if she mentions you after your
third day that she usually goes out with guys who
are on an average nine years older than her. And yeah, Andrew,
I'm going to tell you.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
I'm going to tell you a little story. So at
the very beginning of my relationship with my now husband Julio,
a number of times he said the weirdest thing, and
it was, you know, I usually don't go out with blondes.
I usually prefer brunettes. I prefer brunettes. I kept saying,
why are you telling me this? And what does this mean?
And you know what it meant nothing. It was literally
(20:05):
him just making sense of it in his brain. So,
if you're going out with somebody who's only three years older,
big deal. And she says, oh, you should go out
with guys older than me, she just makes sense of
it in her brain. She's just going, Huh, this is
different but she's saying it out loud, maybe with an extrovert.
Thanks for calling, Andrew, don't you worry one little bit? Okay,
who do we have next, Producer, Kayla.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
We have Jessica with a question.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Jessica. Hi, Jessica, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Helly.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
What's your question? Love?
Speaker 7 (20:35):
Yes, I want to know. I've started seeing somebody who's
been dating for about three three and a half months,
and I just want to know if I'm self sabotaging
or if I'm painting the red flags green. How can
I know that?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Oh, give me an example, Well, how do you think
you're self sabotaging?
Speaker 7 (20:53):
It just seems like everything is great. I mean, there's
a couple differences where I have no kid, he has
multiple kids, and I don't want any kids. But at
the same time, it just seems like everything is great,
and I've been super happy being single, and then all
of a sudden, I met him, and I feel like
(21:16):
I'm very guarded.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
So what do you want? What kind of relationship do
you want?
Speaker 8 (21:23):
Were one where I don't I feel like I don't
lose myself because my previous marriages I felt like I
did because I tend to put a lot into the
other person. And that's why I've enjoyed myself being single.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
So you liked being single, and single seem to be
a protection from you losing yourself in a relationship. So
now you're with somebody and you basically think you're painting
red flags green. In other words, you're doing your same patterns,
which is going all in no matter what. And I
heard something here, Jessica that was interesting. You said he
(21:59):
had as kids. You don't have kids, and you don't
want kids. Well, if he's got kids and you're going
to be together, you're going to have kids. And this
is a major, major lifestyle decision. So instead of asking yourself,
oh am I painting these red flags green, why don't
you like literally get into the weeds with them and
(22:21):
talk about life goals. Three and a half months is
around the time when these conversations come up, values, goals,
et cetera. It is possible to have a healthy, committed,
long term relationship and still not lose yourself. So slow
down the pace and talk about your feelings. I think
that's what you need to do. Okay, Producer Kayla, should
(22:43):
I head to social media while we're waiting for.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Well, we have a talkback.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Oh, we have a talkback. What do we got listen
getting it? You're getting it? Yeah, somebody called in, you
can call it. Here we go. Nope, heart a computer.
Speaker 4 (22:59):
Sun windy.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (23:02):
Tattoos or no tattoos? What say you?
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Well, I don't know if you're asking me about my
personal preference for tattoos or no tattoos, or whether, in general,
if somebody with tattoos is datable or not. And I
think it really really depends on your own personal taste.
You know, how we adorn ourselves, whether it's how we dress,
how we do our hair and makeup, is really an
(23:31):
advertisement to the world. And if you put art on
your body, you're sending a message. Sometimes it's a very
clear message. There's some people who put religious messages in
their tattoos, and sometimes it's like snakes and skulls, and
I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but probably
wouldn't be attracted to that. Some people are true artists
and their whole body becomes a canvas, and what they're
(23:54):
really doing is advertising who they are and who they
and excluding those who they know will not be attracted
to this. Okay, So if you're asking me about me personally.
I'm of a generation where, you know, the odd little
tattoo in a discreet place is perfectly okay. But I'm
(24:14):
not on the full lots and you know, but personal preference,
some people are right there and they love tattoos, all right,
So if you like to call in the numbers one
eight hundred five two zero, one five three four. But
right now, let me go to my social media. If
you'd like to send me a DM, go to Instagram
at doctor Wendy Walsh. Here's a question that came in,
(24:35):
Dear doctor Wendy. My guy and I have totally different
love languages. He's into physical touch and I prefer words
of affirmation. Can this work long term?
Speaker 2 (24:47):
All right?
Speaker 1 (24:47):
We need to pause here and remind everybody that there's
no scientific research behind this love language best selling book.
It was written by a Christian pastor who can souls
couples and happen to notice that there's different ways that
some people receive or express love. But a better framework
(25:08):
to look at the health of a relationship is through
a lens of attachment theory. And I would venture to
say that some people's love language is really a version
of their attachment style. So the thing that bothers me
when people ask me about love languages is they talk
about it in terms of their needs. You know, I
(25:31):
need words of affirmation, he needs that, you know. How
about I got to know my partner better, and I'm
trying to understand and give to him in the way
that he wants to receive. I believe that love is
an action word. It's a verb, and the verb is
(25:51):
to give. And so being fixated on well if I
don't feel love this way because they didn't give me
that love language and I can't feel love is really limiting,
really limiting. How about saying I want to know you better.
This is one of the many ways I can know
you better. I will do my best to help meet
(26:15):
your needs. But you can't hinge the entire relationship on
whether somebody gets enough compliments something like that. All right,
moving along, dear doctor Wendy. I love my partner, but
I'm starting to feel like we want different things out
of life. How do I know when to compromise and
(26:35):
when to let go? That's the million dollar question, isn't
it right? So relationships are about compromise, and I will
promise you this that what two people can accomplish and
achieve together is far greater than any individual can do alone.
Long term, committed people tend to have better mental health,
(26:56):
better physical health, and they accumulate more wealth. I will
tell you from personal experience, since I just got married
last year, then my life feels so easy because somebody
else is doing half of the mental work, whether the
work is you know, physical labor or domestic labor help,
or whether that work is just taking care of you know,
(27:16):
travel plans and making reservations, or whether the work is
actually worrying for me so I don't.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Have to worry.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
And so when you have two brains doing one life,
life can be easier. So your question is you two
want different things out of life, and I'd need to
know more about what those things are. If it's huge
things like I want kids and he doesn't want kids.
(27:44):
You have every right to pro create. You have every
right to go find a partner who you can procreate with.
It is not your job to change anybody. I definitely
want to say that.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
So I think.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
I think you've got to spend some time thinking about
out how important this relationship is to you, whether you're
willing to compromise, because there are some people who just
don't compromise and then they never get the benefits of
using two minds. And think about what some of those
things in life that the two of you want differently are,
because I bet you there's some common ground you can
(28:17):
come to or else don't keep dragging him through it. Right,
all right, we have to go to break and when
we come back, I'm going to head back to social media.
If you have a if you have a question, to
send a DM to me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI
AM six forty or live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
And welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
I'm going to come AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. I'm going to head to my social
media again. Let me look at the dms here and
see what people have been sending in. If you have
a question, you're always welcome to send it to my Instagram.
I think Kayleb's checking that at Dr Wendy Walsh at
doctor Walsh.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Uh ah, here's what okay.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Dear doctor Wendy, I lived a happy single life and
now I'm in a relationship and struggling to transition. Huh,
my old lovers tempt me weekly. Should I tell my
new partner or deal with this on my own? I
haven't cheated, but the temptation of my old life is
hard to resist at times. So it sounds like you're
(29:29):
now on a healthy relationship diet and you want to
fall off the wagon and go get some McDonald's or something. Uh,
it's interesting. I lived a happy single life, you know what. Okay,
So here's the thing. What does what does your happy
single life entail? Are you prefer to have multiple partners?
(29:50):
If so, you have no business being in a one
on one relationship with somebody if our culture tells you
that that's what you should do. If it's not for you,
don't do. On the other hand, if it's just a
little drug high because sex is a drug that you want,
then maybe you're afraid of growing the intimacy in your new, primary,
(30:13):
committed relationship. These are questions that you and your therapist
should really explore to get to the bottom of it.
But I'm not sure if your new relationship is new
and very vulnerable. I'm not sure that you should be
talking to them about these temptations. I think you should
be talking to a therapist about it because it's something
(30:34):
internally going on with you. I'm not a big believer
of keeping secrets from your partner, but this is really
a war inside yourself, right, and I kind of think
you should keep it private until you have figured it out.
But don't cheat until you figured it out, all right,
Dear doctor Wendy, we have been married for ten years,
but it feels now like we're more like roommates than partners.
(30:57):
How do I bring the spark back? Okay? So I
want everybody to understand that at the beginning of any relationship,
there are a cocktail of neuro hormones that bring you
together into a wonderful party called lust. And it is
so exciting. You get butterflies in your stomach, your heart
beats fast when you see them. The sex is fabulous,
and after a while it doesn't feel that way.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Now.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
A good, healthy relationship should become mature, companionate love. You
should be able to talk about sexuality. The frequency of
sex may go down. In fact, there's research to show
that a better sign of a healthy relationship is frequency
of touching and frequency of kissing more than frequency of sex.
(31:41):
But if you're feeling more like roommates and partners, it
tells me that you're not talking about anything tender. You're
not talking about your emotional feelings. You know, it's been
ten years, and I promise you you're not the same
people that began ten years ago.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
So I would suggest.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
That you get a little vulnerable again, that you start
to share your feelings, because at the end of the day,
it's that emotional intimacy that becomes the glue that keeps
people together. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm in a long distance
relationship and lately my partner takes hours to respond to texts.
How do I address it without sounding clingy? What's wrong
(32:22):
with sounding clingy? What's wrong with having needs? What's wrong
with saying, hey, dude, we need to have better communication.
I need to hear from you faster. I'm telling you,
high value men and women are unafraid to state their needs.
But I'll tell you this, if he's taking law or she, well,
(32:44):
there's no gender on this one. Longer and longer and
longer to respond to texts, that's a sign it's almost over,
so you're either going to reel it back in by
being having standards.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Standards are different than.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Being clingy and being weak. Just have some standards that
say no, this is this is what I need in
a relationship, okay, or maybe it's over and they're just
weaning you off.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
That's not good. That's not good.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
All right, Moving on, dear doctor Wendy. I found out
that my partner has a Finsta. If you don't know
what a finsta is, it's a fake Instagram. It's like
a different name, but it's all their pictures and they
just make it private and they just let in a
few little friends that they show stuff too, so it's
not like a.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Big public one.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
It's just a little Finsta. So my partner posts things
there that they never share with me. Should I be
concerned or give them privacy? Well, having a Finsta is
a lot different than having a diary that you put
between the mattresses on the bed and mean for nobody
else to read. A Finsta still has an audience, and
(33:52):
the audience are those people in the private room. So
your partner is having a kind of emotion intimacy with
the with that audience. Now, I don't know who is
in his private room or her private room in the
finsta is it? You know they're a couple, childhood friends,
a sibling, whatever. Okay, maybe feel safe. But if it's
(34:15):
a bunch of friends and you're not involved, yeah, you
should be worried. You should be concerned, okay, because that's weird.
It's like they're growing another identity outside of you. Now,
we do, oh, we do have to grow as two
separate people, but we let our partner know we're growing.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
Right.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
Remember, a relationship is like two ven diagrams. It's like
a ven diagram, two overlapping circles. There's one person on
one circle, one person in the other circle, and the
overlap in the middle is the relationship. Yes, it's okay
to grow, but you've got to share it with the
middle part of the circle.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Right.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
You don't want to grow in privacy somewhere because that's Yeah,
it feels like they're shutting you out. Yeah, I'd bring
it up. I'd bring it up, right, I think I
have time for one more. Dear doctor, Wendy. My husband
always sides with his family when we argue about boundaries.
Is this a red flag or just a family loyalty thing. Well,
I don't know what you mean, but a red flag
(35:08):
because he's already your husband, So red flag for what?
Like red flags are usually people who are dating going ah,
I shouldn't marry this person, right because there's a red flag,
you're already in it. Red flags doesn't matter all. They
could be a whole racecourse filled with red flags. You're
in the car with him driving, all right. So I
think the way to deal with this is to simply
(35:30):
comment on it.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Again.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
I don't like it when people say you always and
you never, because nobody always does anything and nobody never
does anything.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
I think what you're.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Gonna say the next time you're in a little bit
of an argument and he's siding with his family, you're
gonna say, I see that you want to protect your family.
And I feel a little bit when you do that
that I'm excluded and you're not on my side and
we're not a team, and that makes me worry about
our relationship and where our marriage is going. I'm wondering
(36:05):
if it's possible for you to imagine what I'm experiencing
in this conversation, right instead of you always just take
your mom's side. Don't say that, Just explain how this
impacts you and what your feelings are like.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
All right, when we come back.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
I have something for both single women and single men
who would like to be high value men in women's eyes.
How to spot a high value man when you're dating.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty Relive Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (36:40):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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