September 29, 2025 • 34 mins
We are talking to Dr. Mariza Snyder about her book, The Perimenopause Revolution (Hay House, October 2025) She is breaking the silence around one of the biggest, yet least understood, transitions in a woman’s life: perimenopause and its impact on relationships. PLUS Dr. Wendy is covering the Big Five and Compatability. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. I do not want to neglect
more people from my DMS, so let me head into
my DMS on Instagram. If you have a relationship question, reminder,
I will definitely keep your identity anonymous and a reminder.
(00:24):
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I've
written three books on relationships and I'm obsessed with the
science of love. So let's see what else we got
here we go, Dear doctor Wendy, what's the best way
to resolve repeated arguments that seem to start over small
things but escalate quickly. All right, It's interesting you say
(00:48):
repeated arguments, because I'm wondering if you're arguing about the
same thing. I think last week a listener was asking
the same question. Here's what's important to know is that
whatever problems you have in your relationship, whatever the issue is, sex, money, cleanliness, tidiness, whatever,
it never goes away. But you both should learn how
(01:09):
to manage it. Right, So repeated, when I hear repeated arguments,
I'm thinking it might be over the same thing. But
this issue about starting small and escalating quickly tells me
that there are unmet needs under it all, right, like
today is a perfect example. Now, I'm fortunate that I
(01:31):
have a lot of insight and I also have a
lot of emotional regulation tools because of years and years
of therapy, Thank you very much. But I was getting
ready to go to Ploate's glass and I was hungry,
and I hadn't eaten before, and I thought, oh, I
got to eat before I go, But I don't want
to eat too close to the class, so I got
to eat quickly. And then my husband's son came in,
(01:52):
and my daughter came in, and I heard these words
come out of my lip. Would you like breakfast? Kids?
Can I cook for you? And the next thing you know,
I'm throwing out eggs and sausage and toast and cutting
up fruit. And I knew that I was getting close
to my pilates class, and I was feeling myself get frustrated.
I was about to snap at somebody, and luckily I
(02:14):
had the insight to say, you did this to you,
You made this offer, you need to follow through, and
if that means you're gonna be hungry on your pilates
class or nauseus because you ate two minutes before the class.
That's on you. And I was literally had a voice
inside my head kind of calming me down and saying,
what do you want? You want to turn and snap
(02:35):
at them because they're not helping, you know, Like I
mentioned at one point, oh don we read a cream
for the coffee, and nobody said I'll run to the store,
none of that. So I felt like jumping and snapping,
but I was able to stop myself. That's a long
answer to say, how do you develop that? And you
develop it through going to therapy and learning to listen
to the voices inside yourself because there's always some other
(02:59):
unmess need, or there's some early childhood experience that you
have not analyzed enough. We always go back to the
scene of the crime. And so this explosion that you
talk about, this quick escalating probably doesn't have to do
with the thing you're actually arguing about. It's something that
may have happened before. Dear doctor Wendy, is the ninety
(03:23):
day probationary period in a relationship or just a myth? Well,
I do want to say that I wrote a book
in I think nineteen ninety eight called the Boyfriend Test,
How to evaluate his potential before you do lose your heart,
And I did talk about a ninety day consistency test
or a ninety day probation period. The point that I
(03:43):
used that metaphor for was like, I don't want people
to jump too quickly into a relationship and call the
person their boyfriend, their girlfriend or whatever after a couple weeks. Right,
it takes a little bit of time. But I do
think there is some wisdom. But again, there's not a
hard rule that says, okay, on ninety days, you're my
(04:03):
partner or else. But you know, it takes a few
months for you to watch for consistent behavior and see
if it's reciprocated, right, see if in some way they
are giving back. So I think ninety days doesn't have
to be a hard and fast rule. But if you
(04:25):
are the type of person who rushes into love and
rushes into attachment and rushes into labels I'm a boyfriend,
I'm a girlfriend, then for you, you know you gotta
wait a few months. Right. For me, when I'm at Julio,
it took me about three months to say I love you,
and it was just all this consistent behavior. You know,
(04:47):
you probably heard the story. I might have told this before.
That we were on a twelve hour car trip and
I was driving because we were switching off, and we
pulled in a gas station, and before I could even
find my wallet, he had jumped out of his put
the gas nozzle in the car, came around to my door,
opened the door, and gave me a kiss on the cheek,
(05:08):
and pump the gas, paid for the gas, and I
was just sitting there going what and if you could
imagine I chose so poorly in the past that I
never had a guy pumped gas for me before. That's
how low the bar was for me. It was so low.
So I just said I love you, and he of
course said, what you're doing it now at a gas station?
(05:30):
How unromantic? Because he's the more romantic out of the
two of us, I think. Right then he nicknamed me CEO.
She's the CEO of this relationship. All right, one more
quick question. I'm in a relationship because my situationship didn't
move forward with me for three years. I met another
(05:51):
man and moved on. Now my situation wants a relationship.
He is who I originally wanted? Is it a trap
to ruin a new good thing and healthy thing I
have going on? Yes? The best predictor of somebody's future
behavior is their past behavior. There are a group of
(06:13):
humans out there, be they male or female, who only
want you when they can't have you. They are triggered
by that, they are aroused by that, they are excited
by that, and then when they have you, they do
not move forward. Everyone listen to me on this. This
is your old auntie Wendy talking here. The best way
(06:34):
to predict somebody's future behavior is to look at their
past behavior. You refer to your new relationship as good
and healthy. I love that. Why would you go back
to something that was unhealthy? Somebody who used up three
(06:54):
years of potentially your fertility window, dropped you or you
jumped off, and then now now all of a sudden,
because you have somebody else, he's back. Uh uh uh
he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you. No, just don't do it, please, please,
please don't do it. Okay, when we come back, I
have a very special guest. Something that is starting to
trend online is a term called second puberty. It's gone viral.
(07:18):
In fact, and what it means is perry menopause. Ladies
and gentlemen who are dating ladies are married to ladies
out there. Did you know as early as age thirty
five women can have early menopause symptoms and it can
RecA it with their relationships with their mental health. And
I'm an expert on when we come back, who's going
(07:39):
to tell us more about this? You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
I have a guest on the show who, when I
started reading some of her work, immediately said to myself, Oh, oh,
that's what happened to me. You know, there's so much
talk in our culture right now about menopause, but very
little about perry menopause. It's almost like people are like, Oh, really,
(08:12):
is that really a thing? Or do we kind of
make this up? But let me tell you. My next
guest is a specialist if you can say that, in
Perry menopause and is singing from the rafters news that
every woman can use. Her name is doctor Mariza Snyder.
She's a functional practitioner and a seven time best selling
(08:35):
author and tries to make all of the science around
hormones relatable for everybody. Welcome doctor, Marisa. Did I say
it right, Marisa Snyder?
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Yes, yes, Thank you so much for having me, Wendy.
It's such a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
So first of all, let us talk about what is
perimenopause and how early can it show up?
Speaker 3 (08:56):
I love this question, and this is a question that
my patients asked me the most ami in perimenopause. Perimenopause
is be four to ten year transition before menopause, and
if we were defined menopause, which I know is having
its own moment, it's basically that day and time where
you haven't had a period for twelve consecutive months, but
(09:16):
there are many years before that where your hormones begin
to start shifting wildly and declining. And as a result,
because these hormones are more than reproductive hormones, their whole
body hormones, everything from your mood, to your metabolism to
your sleep can steal off. Unfortunately, for decades, women have
suffered in silence. But now we are finally talking about it,
(09:38):
and this is our moment because women are ready to
not be dismissed anymore, and we are sharing our stories.
And what I love about this window of opportunity that
I call perimenopause is that it's not the beginning of
the end, it's the beginning of your next most powerful chapter. Well.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
I love to remind people too, that we are the
only species on the planet except killer whales and pilot whales,
that actually has menopause a full third of a woman's
life where she is vibrant and energetic and wise and
just fabulous and also sterile. And anthropologists would say that
(10:17):
we evolve to have this sterility, this third of our
life so that we could be more impactful to the tribe,
the village, the culture at large. I like to say
that menopausal women run the world, even if some of
them are still doing it through their power husbands. There's
still a lot of power women out there to running
the world. But it's those years beforehand that perry menopause
(10:42):
that nobody told me about. And you know, doctor Snyder,
women are having babies later and later, and sometimes peri
menopause and pregnancy and breastfeeding are running right up against
each other, aren't they.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
Yes, they are. And this was my experience I had
my beautiful son at forty one years old, and I
breastped him until I was forty three. And I'll never
forget when I thought I was at the end of
my postpartum journey and I was feeling really good, and
there was a small part of me that thought, well,
maybe I pushed perimenopause back a little bit. But about
(11:18):
five months later, my runway was pretty short between postpartum
and perimenopause. I started experiencing a lot of the most
common perimenopausal symptoms. I started experiencing mood swings, brain fogs,
sleep issues, low mental energy. I just I didn't feel
like myself, and I knew that I basically hop skips
(11:40):
from postpartum directly into perimenopause. And that is the situation
for millions of women today who are having children later
as they know, as they can choose to, as they're
running their careers. And it is so destabilizing for women
because so often we weren't educated about what can happen
when we're having children later in life and how that
(12:01):
can run into the perimenopause transition.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
It's funny because I was talking to my twenty seven
year old daughter yesterday and I was saying, oh, you know,
she's complaining about having to, you know, buy some some
female items at the drug store. And I was just like, oh,
it's so great. That's behind me. You know, I haven't
had that in twenty years. And she's like twenty years?
Is that possible? I'm like, oh, get ready. We get
(12:24):
menopause and perimenopause early in our family, and in my case,
I think it really started while I was breastfeeding. Gentlemen,
you should be educated about this if you're listening on
behalf of your wives or girlfriends. But as doctor Snyder said,
perimenopause can take four to ten years and what it
might involve. It's not like somebody flips a switch one
(12:46):
day and says, okay, okay, all your menstruation stops. That's it.
There's this period of it might show up unannounced and
last for fifteen days, and then it might disappear for
four months and you're like, oh, okay, I'm done, and
then oh no, no, then it comes up and just
spots for a whole bunch of times, and you're just like,
am I on, am I off? And if you can
(13:08):
imagine the hormones that impact our minds at that time
it was. I mean I was breasting. I'm on the
same schedule as you were. I had my second baby
at forty one, nurse for three years, so I literally
got that kid off the nipple, and all of a
sudden I was thrown into menopause. It was crazy.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
How it's a crazy journey.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
You didn't answer the question about how early.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
Yeah, let's talk about the earliness. So natural menopause can
happen anywhere between forty five and fifty five years old,
and I would say the average age is usually an
early fifties. Fifty one is typically the average average age.
Yet you know, if natural menopause can be as early
as forty five, many women are beginning to feel symptoms
of perimenopause as early as they're mid to late thirties.
(13:54):
And what's sneaky about it? Just like you said, often
it doesn't just announce itself one day, no no test
to diagnose perimenopause. It takes an average of four to
six office visits for your doctor to connect the dots
between your symptoms and you actually bean in perimenopause or menopause.
And more importantly, often it feels like you mentioned very
(14:16):
mood or cognitive related symptoms. I call them brain related symptoms,
but they can come and go. You know, one day
you feel fine, the next day you don't feel like yourself.
And that's why so often women are dismissed and told, oh,
you know, you're still cycling, you're fine, or oh, it's
just age, or it's just stress, or you're just a mom,
because often the symptoms look like the daily like an
(14:39):
exacerbation of the daily pain points of everyday life that
women have been told is just normal. When it's not normal.
Your body is going through a profound hormone transition and
everything is shifting, including your brain.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
And think about what they're juggling, often at the peak
of their careers, and juggling children and running a house,
and all of a sudden, your brain is not functioning
like it's supposed to. It's frustrating.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Oh it is frustrating. It's destabilizing, and it is I
will tell you so many of my patients have had
to grieve and mourn their former selves because they just
they didn't know that they were going to feel this way.
And this is why I wrote my book The Perimenopause Revolution.
I wanted women to understand what was going on with
(15:26):
their bodies. This isn't bikini medicine that we're talking about right,
not between just the bikini areas. This is a full
body recalibration that can really take us by surprise if
we are not educated about it.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Okay, Doctor Snyder, we have to go to a break.
When we come back, let's talk about news. You can
use some treatments, some things women can be doing, but
also how this impacts their relationships and what they can
be doing there. My guest is doctor Marisa Snyder, and
she is a specialist in perimenopause. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six y four.
(16:00):
You're Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
My guest, doctor Marisa Snyder, is the author, best selling author.
What's your most recent book? You've written so many, Marisa.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
The most recent book that's coming out is The Perimenopause
The Revolution. This book is the roadmap that every midlife
woman needs to feel alive and to feel energized in
her body.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
And I got to say, Perry, menopause is finally starting
to really trend online. Some people call it a second puberty,
and women are really craving solutions. So before we get
into solutions, let's talk a little bit about how this
change in our brains that can start as early as
age thirty five, can impact our relationships.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
This is such an important question, and this is you know,
here's what no one tells you. Perimenopause touches every part
of your life, including your most important relationships. When your
hormones are shifting, your brain is literally rewiring, and often
you are running on fumes, just like you mentioned earlier.
So it's easy to feel disconnected from your partner, from
(17:11):
your kids, sometimes even from yourself. And in those romantic relationships.
What a lot of my patients tell me is their
libido just packs its bags and flutters out the door.
The mood may fight.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
I watch those those suitcases walk out the door.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Yeah, and the smallest things, all of a sudden, may
feel like too much. With your family, you may find
yourself overreacting or checking out completely, or just feeling under
like overtouched, or as my patients like to call it, overstimulated.
They're just feeling everything feels intense and it's hard to
show up for the people that matter most to you.
(17:51):
And what I always want women to know is that
they are not broken. Right, You are in this significant transition,
and the most powerful thing that we can do is
lead with grace, compassion and communication. And I would let
to let partners know that you know, this is a
very I mean, it's temporary in the sense that we're
talking about a four to ten plus your transition, but
(18:12):
it's real.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Yeah, that's not so temporary when you think of it
as a decade.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
That's a joke. That's not a transition. That's a career.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
It's a career exactly. You know, you mentioned something earlier
that I found fascinating. You say, for some people, it's
about mourning the loss of what was, because this is
a conversation partly about physiology and partly about our psychological identity. Right,
there is this thinking in our culture that a lot
(18:42):
of young women have been spoon fed that once you
are no longer of reproductive age, that you are somehow irrelevant.
And I don't think we've done enough to really, you know,
get excited about what happens when menopause happens, and the
empowering place that it can be for women and that
(19:05):
they can feel so great. So, you know, rather than
mourning this loss of oh I'm not this young, hot, sexy,
fertile woman, how about looking to the future and talking
about what it is and the powerful woman you're growing into.
As I used to say to people, Look now I'm
a fully developed babe.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
All right, Oh yeah, absolutely, I mean this is we're
stepping into the most powerful chapter yet and we get
to stand on our hard one lessons, all of the
things that we've accomplished, like, we get to take all
of that with us, and perimenopause is the time of discernment.
We get to decide what we want to bring with
(19:46):
us in the next chapter and what we want to
let go of, whatever beliefs have been holding you back,
or relationships or you know, establishing those boundaries become so important.
I feel like there is a freedom about stepping into
menopause and beyond, and we really get to chart that
course on our terms. The more that we embrace that,
(20:08):
ooh man, watch out. I love a lot of women
stepping into this.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
This is the happiest time of my life. Now you
should know, Marisa, when I was young and in my twenties,
I was highly sexualized by our culture and I just
ate it all hook line and sinker, and I was hot, hot, hot, right,
But I was still this smart nerd inside. But nobody
could hear me talking because they were looking at my
(20:34):
beautiful face. And now that I'm a woman of a
certain age, I like to say that my face has
finally grown into my brain and it's wonderful. I love
this age. I love to not be stared at every
time I go out in public, and I know I
hear people going, Oh, the plight of the pretty girl.
I don't even want to hear you complain. But honestly,
when you're objectified for two decades and you're always put
(20:57):
blinders on when you walk in public places because there's
some guy trying to your eye, to have all that
behind you is such a freeing feeling for me. I
love it. I absolutely love it. Now let's talk about
physiology a bit. What do you recommend regarding food and
other lifestyle Is there anything we can be doing biologically,
anything we should be taking to help the symptoms?
Speaker 3 (21:20):
Yes, this is such a great question, and this is
all this is what the book is about. Lifestyle medicine
is going to be the biggest lever for many of us.
I always say start by stabilizing your blood sugar because
it is all about your cellular energy and your cardio
metabolic health. I want to set you up to steel
energized in that second half of your life. But I
also want your eighty year old self to be so
(21:41):
grateful that you took care of yourself in this metabolic
window of opportunity. So stabilizing your blood sugar with your
meals is one of the fastest ways to reclaim your energy,
your mood, and your brain power. So that means protein
at every meal. Ditch the ultra process carbs. Move your
body daily, even if it's just ten minutes of walking
after your biggest meals. And then the other thing that
(22:04):
I think is such a big part of feeling energized
and having just hiring on all cylinders is making sure
that you are prioritizing sleep like it is a sacred act.
So go to bed and wake up at the same
time each day, get that morning sunlight to help reset
your circadian rhythm, and just honor that process, like have
a wind down routine that feels good to you and lastly,
(22:28):
track your cycle and your symptom so that you can
connect the dots and advocate for yourself. So when you
feel like you're needing something like supplement support or hormone
replacement therapy, you can have that conversation with your provider
to get the solutions that you deserve and most likely
you're going to need.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
You know, sleep is so important to me, and this
is a tragedy for me to tell you, good doctor,
of what's happened to me lately. I realize that when
I drink wine, I don't get a good night's sleep.
I'm wide awake at three as I thought it was menopause.
I thought it was hormones. No, no, no, it was
the flip and wine. And so I drink very little now,
(23:08):
and when I do drink, I wake up with a
wop and headache at three in the morning. And sometimes
I say that's worth it. But for the most part,
I plan my sleep starting at four in the afternoon.
I think things like, how early can I eat so
that I don't have not up all night digesting food?
Speaker 3 (23:25):
Right?
Speaker 1 (23:27):
How can I make sure I don't drink alcohol. By
the way, there's a great bubbly tea at Trader Joe's.
They didn't pay me to say this. And it's made
by like a Danish company and you put it in
a champagne glass and it tastes exactly like prosecco. So
that's my go to. And then and then I take melatonin. Hey,
(23:48):
can I get some free advice? Is it bad to
take melotonin every night?
Speaker 3 (23:52):
No, not at all. I am a big fan of melatonin,
particularly in perimenopause melotin levels are dropping. If melatonin is
helping you to get deep, RESTful sleep, quality sleep, let
me tell you. The difference between you getting quality sleep
and not usually will make or break somebody's next day.
(24:14):
So if melatonin is helping, especially as it's declining, I
am a full body yes to melotone. And I'm also
a big yes to oral micronized progesterone. I think that
that can really help support women not only get to sleep,
but also stay asleep.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Stay asleep. That's the problem. Well, I'll tell you the
melatonin is given some business to my therapist because I
dream so much on I get up in the morning
and write down my dream, so she has something to analyze. Okay,
let's make sure before we go that our listeners know
where they can get your book. Tell us again, doctor Snyder,
what the book is called and where they can find it.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
Yeah, I love this. Although the book is called The
Perimenopause Revolution, and I wrote it because women should never
have to suffer in silence. And this book is all
about not only knowing what is going on with your body,
identifying if you're imperimentopause, having all the lifestyle strategies that
are doable. You know, again, as you and I talked
about earlier, this is I always think this this time
(25:11):
in our lives is almost lappable because we have everything
going on, and so a lot of the actionable lifestyle
recommendations I make in this book are doable, like you
can get them into your life. And there is a
five week reset plan with recipes, meal plan, workout videos,
more and evening routines everything you need to at the
(25:34):
end of that five days, feel more lives. And you
can grab the book anywhere books are sold. I have
amazing bonuses that go with the book. And again, this
book is designed to help women just thrive and feel
stronger in the second half of their lives.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
That's what we want to do. Feel stronger. Thanks so
much for joining us, Doctor Marisa Snyder, when we come back.
There's one psychology test. It's a personality test that's considered
the gold standard that can predict not only your success
in career, but your success in romantic relationships. Will be
right back. You listening to doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
So I got to say something. I was reading this article.
I won't say what publication, but it was talking about, oh,
could your personality type signal how compatible you are with
each other? And then they started quoting all these studies right, like,
for instance, the love languages five different styles of love languages,
(26:50):
never proven by any psychological science. Never, I mean it's
been researched. They couldn't find any consistency to it, no reliability,
no validity for at that one Meyers Briggs. So many
companies use the sixteen personality Myers Briggs test to determine
people's personality for hiring. And you can do that and
(27:11):
it's okay, but nothing to do, you know, it's really
not reliable for the long term. Then there's that silly enogram.
I don't know the anagram is there's nine types. Again,
not science, not proven. It might as well be astrology.
I'm sorry. If you believe in astrology, you know what
it is. Astrology is where every single forecast is vague
(27:35):
or description of a personality is just vague enough for
you to project your own stuff onto it. That's how
it works. But not reliable, not proven in science. However,
there is one personality test. In fact, it's the most
widely accepted framework in modern psychology. It came out of
decades and decades of research that began in the nineteen thirties.
(27:59):
And what it is. It identifies five broad personality traits
that really kind of captures the core dimensions of what
it is to be a human, or at least our personality.
It is called the Big Five personality test. Google it
the Big five Personality Test. Sometimes they call it the
(28:21):
five Factor model, and sometimes the acronym for it is
ocean o CEA N stands for openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness,
and neuroticism. Now, this particular personality thing has been studied
(28:42):
for as I said, decades, there's lots of research, but
there's also some understanding that as we go through the lifespan,
things change can change a little bit. So, for instance,
younger people tend to be more open, open to new experiences,
open to meeting new people, all of your important to
finding a mate. As we get older, we get a
little more closed. But conscientiousness, dotting your eyes, crossing your t's,
(29:06):
lining things up, neatly, being organized, that goes up as
we get older. Extraversion and introversions tend to be pretty
stable across the lifespan. Agreeableness fairly stable. Neuroticism that has
to do with a lot of anxiety, fairly stable. So
what does this mean for our love lives. Well, the
(29:27):
big one to consider is neuroticism. If you score high,
and you can just google the Big Five personality test
and take it online. If you score high on neuroticism,
that means you have a tendency towards anxiety, mootiness, and insecurity.
It is strongly linked to lower relationship outcomes for both partners. Right,
(29:51):
couples who have like one like highly neurotic partner just
one tend to report more conflict, lower intimacy, higher breakup
and divorce rate. Right, neuroticism is the single strongest personality
predictor of poor relationship outcomes. Doesn't mean it can't be fixed.
(30:12):
There's good therapists who work with neurotic people all the
time and help them calm themselves down. Now here's some
good news. If you score high on agreeableness, it means
you're more compassionate, it means you're more cooperative. This sounds
like good traits to having a relationship, right, You're right.
High agreeableness predicts better conflict resolution, more supportive relationships, and overall,
(30:36):
just greater relationship satisfaction. So what happens is if you
have one, or if you're lucky, two partners who score
high and agreeableness, their way of being buffers against all
the stress of life.
Speaker 3 (30:53):
Right.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
But if you have even just one one person who's
more agreeable, they tend to help that other part partner
who's disagreeable calm down a bit. All right, Now, I
mentioned conscientiousness. That's reliability, self discipline, being organized, and so
in relationships, conscientiousness is correlated with commitment, fidelity, not cheating. Right,
(31:21):
Because you made a commitment to this person you made
a promise and long term stability. People who are conscientious
are more likely to invest in their relationship, manage their
responsibilities better, and they tend to avoid destructive behaviors sex, drugs,
and rock and roll. You know that. So here's what's interesting.
I score really high on extraversion, But extraversion itself isn't
(31:46):
predictive of relationship satisfaction. Actually, similarity matters, you know that
whole thing about opposites attract not always. Did you know
that two highly extroverted partners actually thrive whereas an introvert
extrovert pair clash unless they can very carefully negotiate their
(32:08):
individual needs for stimulation versus quiet time. So I will
honestly say that my husband, Julio, is the first extrovert
I've ever dated in my life. I love these stoic, quiet,
emotionally avoidant, trapped inside themselves men. They really got me going,
and we had terrible relationships. Now have a guy who
(32:29):
chats as much as I do. Wow, now he would
disagree with that. Okay, he chats almost as much as
I do. He chats more than the average guy, shall
we say, And so we can talk out everything, which
is great what else did I find in the research?
Oh oh oh, if your open openness to new experience,
(32:51):
you're curious, you're creative. Couples who are both similar to openness,
not surprisingly report greater sexuals, satisfaction, and even intellectual compatibility.
So similarity is actually more important than opposites being opposite. Right,
(33:13):
If you are similar in agreeableness and openness, that is
highly associated with greater satisfaction. Remember, the big exception is neuroticism.
If you have two neurotics together, this is not going
to be good. It is not going to end well.
So what does this mean for you? It means you
can go to the Internet right now and type in
(33:35):
the Big five personality test. You and your mate can
take it, and you can understand where your vulnerabilities are.
You can understand why you're having some of the arguments
you may be having, and it can help you, I hope,
appreciate and respect each other. Remember it's never our job
to change anybody else. It's our job to change our
(33:59):
reaction to them anyway. So this is a fun thing.
I love it. I love tests that are actually reliable
at valid So forget about the astrology and the Myers
Briggs and the Ennengram and the love languages. Just go
with the stuff that's real and that brings the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show to a close. It is always my
pleasure to be with you every Sunday from seven to
(34:20):
nine pm. And you can also follow me on my
social media. During the week, I make lots of videos.
The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh.
But I'm always here for you on Sunday nights. You've
been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh, you can always hear
us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
(34:42):
iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. I do not want to neglect
more people from my DMS, so let me head into
my DMS on Instagram. If you have a relationship question, reminder,
I will definitely keep your identity anonymous and a reminder.
(00:24):
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I've
written three books on relationships and I'm obsessed with the
science of love. So let's see what else we got
here we go, Dear doctor Wendy, what's the best way
to resolve repeated arguments that seem to start over small
things but escalate quickly. All right, It's interesting you say
(00:48):
repeated arguments, because I'm wondering if you're arguing about the
same thing. I think last week a listener was asking
the same question. Here's what's important to know is that
whatever problems you have in your relationship, whatever the issue is, sex, money, cleanliness, tidiness, whatever,
it never goes away. But you both should learn how
(01:09):
to manage it. Right, So repeated, when I hear repeated arguments,
I'm thinking it might be over the same thing. But
this issue about starting small and escalating quickly tells me
that there are unmet needs under it all, right, like
today is a perfect example. Now, I'm fortunate that I
(01:31):
have a lot of insight and I also have a
lot of emotional regulation tools because of years and years
of therapy, Thank you very much. But I was getting
ready to go to Ploate's glass and I was hungry,
and I hadn't eaten before, and I thought, oh, I
got to eat before I go, But I don't want
to eat too close to the class, so I got
to eat quickly. And then my husband's son came in,
(01:52):
and my daughter came in, and I heard these words
come out of my lip. Would you like breakfast? Kids?
Can I cook for you? And the next thing you know,
I'm throwing out eggs and sausage and toast and cutting
up fruit. And I knew that I was getting close
to my pilates class, and I was feeling myself get frustrated.
I was about to snap at somebody, and luckily I
(02:14):
had the insight to say, you did this to you,
You made this offer, you need to follow through, and
if that means you're gonna be hungry on your pilates
class or nauseus because you ate two minutes before the class.
That's on you. And I was literally had a voice
inside my head kind of calming me down and saying,
what do you want? You want to turn and snap
(02:35):
at them because they're not helping, you know, Like I
mentioned at one point, oh don we read a cream
for the coffee, and nobody said I'll run to the store,
none of that. So I felt like jumping and snapping,
but I was able to stop myself. That's a long
answer to say, how do you develop that? And you
develop it through going to therapy and learning to listen
to the voices inside yourself because there's always some other
(02:59):
unmess need, or there's some early childhood experience that you
have not analyzed enough. We always go back to the
scene of the crime. And so this explosion that you
talk about, this quick escalating probably doesn't have to do
with the thing you're actually arguing about. It's something that
may have happened before. Dear doctor Wendy, is the ninety
(03:23):
day probationary period in a relationship or just a myth? Well,
I do want to say that I wrote a book
in I think nineteen ninety eight called the Boyfriend Test,
How to evaluate his potential before you do lose your heart,
And I did talk about a ninety day consistency test
or a ninety day probation period. The point that I
(03:43):
used that metaphor for was like, I don't want people
to jump too quickly into a relationship and call the
person their boyfriend, their girlfriend or whatever after a couple weeks. Right,
it takes a little bit of time. But I do
think there is some wisdom. But again, there's not a
hard rule that says, okay, on ninety days, you're my
(04:03):
partner or else. But you know, it takes a few
months for you to watch for consistent behavior and see
if it's reciprocated, right, see if in some way they
are giving back. So I think ninety days doesn't have
to be a hard and fast rule. But if you
(04:25):
are the type of person who rushes into love and
rushes into attachment and rushes into labels I'm a boyfriend,
I'm a girlfriend, then for you, you know you gotta
wait a few months. Right. For me, when I'm at Julio,
it took me about three months to say I love you,
and it was just all this consistent behavior. You know,
(04:47):
you probably heard the story. I might have told this before.
That we were on a twelve hour car trip and
I was driving because we were switching off, and we
pulled in a gas station, and before I could even
find my wallet, he had jumped out of his put
the gas nozzle in the car, came around to my door,
opened the door, and gave me a kiss on the cheek,
(05:08):
and pump the gas, paid for the gas, and I
was just sitting there going what and if you could
imagine I chose so poorly in the past that I
never had a guy pumped gas for me before. That's
how low the bar was for me. It was so low.
So I just said I love you, and he of
course said, what you're doing it now at a gas station?
(05:30):
How unromantic? Because he's the more romantic out of the
two of us, I think. Right then he nicknamed me CEO.
She's the CEO of this relationship. All right, one more
quick question. I'm in a relationship because my situationship didn't
move forward with me for three years. I met another
(05:51):
man and moved on. Now my situation wants a relationship.
He is who I originally wanted? Is it a trap
to ruin a new good thing and healthy thing I
have going on? Yes? The best predictor of somebody's future
behavior is their past behavior. There are a group of
(06:13):
humans out there, be they male or female, who only
want you when they can't have you. They are triggered
by that, they are aroused by that, they are excited
by that, and then when they have you, they do
not move forward. Everyone listen to me on this. This
is your old auntie Wendy talking here. The best way
(06:34):
to predict somebody's future behavior is to look at their
past behavior. You refer to your new relationship as good
and healthy. I love that. Why would you go back
to something that was unhealthy? Somebody who used up three
(06:54):
years of potentially your fertility window, dropped you or you
jumped off, and then now now all of a sudden,
because you have somebody else, he's back. Uh uh uh
he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you. No, just don't do it, please, please,
please don't do it. Okay, when we come back, I
have a very special guest. Something that is starting to
trend online is a term called second puberty. It's gone viral.
(07:18):
In fact, and what it means is perry menopause. Ladies
and gentlemen who are dating ladies are married to ladies
out there. Did you know as early as age thirty
five women can have early menopause symptoms and it can
RecA it with their relationships with their mental health. And
I'm an expert on when we come back, who's going
(07:39):
to tell us more about this? You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
I have a guest on the show who, when I
started reading some of her work, immediately said to myself, Oh, oh,
that's what happened to me. You know, there's so much
talk in our culture right now about menopause, but very
little about perry menopause. It's almost like people are like, Oh, really,
(08:12):
is that really a thing? Or do we kind of
make this up? But let me tell you. My next
guest is a specialist if you can say that, in
Perry menopause and is singing from the rafters news that
every woman can use. Her name is doctor Mariza Snyder.
She's a functional practitioner and a seven time best selling
(08:35):
author and tries to make all of the science around
hormones relatable for everybody. Welcome doctor, Marisa. Did I say
it right, Marisa Snyder?
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Yes, yes, Thank you so much for having me, Wendy.
It's such a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
So first of all, let us talk about what is
perimenopause and how early can it show up?
Speaker 3 (08:56):
I love this question, and this is a question that
my patients asked me the most ami in perimenopause. Perimenopause
is be four to ten year transition before menopause, and
if we were defined menopause, which I know is having
its own moment, it's basically that day and time where
you haven't had a period for twelve consecutive months, but
(09:16):
there are many years before that where your hormones begin
to start shifting wildly and declining. And as a result,
because these hormones are more than reproductive hormones, their whole
body hormones, everything from your mood, to your metabolism to
your sleep can steal off. Unfortunately, for decades, women have
suffered in silence. But now we are finally talking about it,
(09:38):
and this is our moment because women are ready to
not be dismissed anymore, and we are sharing our stories.
And what I love about this window of opportunity that
I call perimenopause is that it's not the beginning of
the end, it's the beginning of your next most powerful chapter. Well.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
I love to remind people too, that we are the
only species on the planet except killer whales and pilot whales,
that actually has menopause a full third of a woman's
life where she is vibrant and energetic and wise and
just fabulous and also sterile. And anthropologists would say that
(10:17):
we evolve to have this sterility, this third of our
life so that we could be more impactful to the tribe,
the village, the culture at large. I like to say
that menopausal women run the world, even if some of
them are still doing it through their power husbands. There's
still a lot of power women out there to running
the world. But it's those years beforehand that perry menopause
(10:42):
that nobody told me about. And you know, doctor Snyder,
women are having babies later and later, and sometimes peri
menopause and pregnancy and breastfeeding are running right up against
each other, aren't they.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
Yes, they are. And this was my experience I had
my beautiful son at forty one years old, and I
breastped him until I was forty three. And I'll never
forget when I thought I was at the end of
my postpartum journey and I was feeling really good, and
there was a small part of me that thought, well,
maybe I pushed perimenopause back a little bit. But about
(11:18):
five months later, my runway was pretty short between postpartum
and perimenopause. I started experiencing a lot of the most
common perimenopausal symptoms. I started experiencing mood swings, brain fogs,
sleep issues, low mental energy. I just I didn't feel
like myself, and I knew that I basically hop skips
(11:40):
from postpartum directly into perimenopause. And that is the situation
for millions of women today who are having children later
as they know, as they can choose to, as they're
running their careers. And it is so destabilizing for women
because so often we weren't educated about what can happen
when we're having children later in life and how that
(12:01):
can run into the perimenopause transition.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
It's funny because I was talking to my twenty seven
year old daughter yesterday and I was saying, oh, you know,
she's complaining about having to, you know, buy some some
female items at the drug store. And I was just like, oh,
it's so great. That's behind me. You know, I haven't
had that in twenty years. And she's like twenty years?
Is that possible? I'm like, oh, get ready. We get
(12:24):
menopause and perimenopause early in our family, and in my case,
I think it really started while I was breastfeeding. Gentlemen,
you should be educated about this if you're listening on
behalf of your wives or girlfriends. But as doctor Snyder said,
perimenopause can take four to ten years and what it
might involve. It's not like somebody flips a switch one
(12:46):
day and says, okay, okay, all your menstruation stops. That's it.
There's this period of it might show up unannounced and
last for fifteen days, and then it might disappear for
four months and you're like, oh, okay, I'm done, and
then oh no, no, then it comes up and just
spots for a whole bunch of times, and you're just like,
am I on, am I off? And if you can
(13:08):
imagine the hormones that impact our minds at that time
it was. I mean I was breasting. I'm on the
same schedule as you were. I had my second baby
at forty one, nurse for three years, so I literally
got that kid off the nipple, and all of a
sudden I was thrown into menopause. It was crazy.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
How it's a crazy journey.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
You didn't answer the question about how early.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
Yeah, let's talk about the earliness. So natural menopause can
happen anywhere between forty five and fifty five years old,
and I would say the average age is usually an
early fifties. Fifty one is typically the average average age.
Yet you know, if natural menopause can be as early
as forty five, many women are beginning to feel symptoms
of perimenopause as early as they're mid to late thirties.
(13:54):
And what's sneaky about it? Just like you said, often
it doesn't just announce itself one day, no no test
to diagnose perimenopause. It takes an average of four to
six office visits for your doctor to connect the dots
between your symptoms and you actually bean in perimenopause or menopause.
And more importantly, often it feels like you mentioned very
(14:16):
mood or cognitive related symptoms. I call them brain related symptoms,
but they can come and go. You know, one day
you feel fine, the next day you don't feel like yourself.
And that's why so often women are dismissed and told, oh,
you know, you're still cycling, you're fine, or oh, it's
just age, or it's just stress, or you're just a mom,
because often the symptoms look like the daily like an
(14:39):
exacerbation of the daily pain points of everyday life that
women have been told is just normal. When it's not normal.
Your body is going through a profound hormone transition and
everything is shifting, including your brain.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
And think about what they're juggling, often at the peak
of their careers, and juggling children and running a house,
and all of a sudden, your brain is not functioning
like it's supposed to. It's frustrating.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Oh it is frustrating. It's destabilizing, and it is I
will tell you so many of my patients have had
to grieve and mourn their former selves because they just
they didn't know that they were going to feel this way.
And this is why I wrote my book The Perimenopause Revolution.
I wanted women to understand what was going on with
(15:26):
their bodies. This isn't bikini medicine that we're talking about right,
not between just the bikini areas. This is a full
body recalibration that can really take us by surprise if
we are not educated about it.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Okay, Doctor Snyder, we have to go to a break.
When we come back, let's talk about news. You can
use some treatments, some things women can be doing, but
also how this impacts their relationships and what they can
be doing there. My guest is doctor Marisa Snyder, and
she is a specialist in perimenopause. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six y four.
(16:00):
You're Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
My guest, doctor Marisa Snyder, is the author, best selling author.
What's your most recent book? You've written so many, Marisa.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
The most recent book that's coming out is The Perimenopause
The Revolution. This book is the roadmap that every midlife
woman needs to feel alive and to feel energized in
her body.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
And I got to say, Perry, menopause is finally starting
to really trend online. Some people call it a second puberty,
and women are really craving solutions. So before we get
into solutions, let's talk a little bit about how this
change in our brains that can start as early as
age thirty five, can impact our relationships.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
This is such an important question, and this is you know,
here's what no one tells you. Perimenopause touches every part
of your life, including your most important relationships. When your
hormones are shifting, your brain is literally rewiring, and often
you are running on fumes, just like you mentioned earlier.
So it's easy to feel disconnected from your partner, from
(17:11):
your kids, sometimes even from yourself. And in those romantic relationships.
What a lot of my patients tell me is their
libido just packs its bags and flutters out the door.
The mood may fight.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
I watch those those suitcases walk out the door.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Yeah, and the smallest things, all of a sudden, may
feel like too much. With your family, you may find
yourself overreacting or checking out completely, or just feeling under
like overtouched, or as my patients like to call it, overstimulated.
They're just feeling everything feels intense and it's hard to
show up for the people that matter most to you.
(17:51):
And what I always want women to know is that
they are not broken. Right, You are in this significant transition,
and the most powerful thing that we can do is
lead with grace, compassion and communication. And I would let
to let partners know that you know, this is a
very I mean, it's temporary in the sense that we're
talking about a four to ten plus your transition, but
(18:12):
it's real.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Yeah, that's not so temporary when you think of it
as a decade.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
That's a joke. That's not a transition. That's a career.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
It's a career exactly. You know, you mentioned something earlier
that I found fascinating. You say, for some people, it's
about mourning the loss of what was, because this is
a conversation partly about physiology and partly about our psychological identity. Right,
there is this thinking in our culture that a lot
(18:42):
of young women have been spoon fed that once you
are no longer of reproductive age, that you are somehow irrelevant.
And I don't think we've done enough to really, you know,
get excited about what happens when menopause happens, and the
empowering place that it can be for women and that
(19:05):
they can feel so great. So, you know, rather than
mourning this loss of oh I'm not this young, hot, sexy,
fertile woman, how about looking to the future and talking
about what it is and the powerful woman you're growing into.
As I used to say to people, Look now I'm
a fully developed babe.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
All right, Oh yeah, absolutely, I mean this is we're
stepping into the most powerful chapter yet and we get
to stand on our hard one lessons, all of the
things that we've accomplished, like, we get to take all
of that with us, and perimenopause is the time of discernment.
We get to decide what we want to bring with
(19:46):
us in the next chapter and what we want to
let go of, whatever beliefs have been holding you back,
or relationships or you know, establishing those boundaries become so important.
I feel like there is a freedom about stepping into
menopause and beyond, and we really get to chart that
course on our terms. The more that we embrace that,
(20:08):
ooh man, watch out. I love a lot of women
stepping into this.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
This is the happiest time of my life. Now you
should know, Marisa, when I was young and in my twenties,
I was highly sexualized by our culture and I just
ate it all hook line and sinker, and I was hot, hot, hot, right,
But I was still this smart nerd inside. But nobody
could hear me talking because they were looking at my
(20:34):
beautiful face. And now that I'm a woman of a
certain age, I like to say that my face has
finally grown into my brain and it's wonderful. I love
this age. I love to not be stared at every
time I go out in public, and I know I
hear people going, Oh, the plight of the pretty girl.
I don't even want to hear you complain. But honestly,
when you're objectified for two decades and you're always put
(20:57):
blinders on when you walk in public places because there's
some guy trying to your eye, to have all that
behind you is such a freeing feeling for me. I
love it. I absolutely love it. Now let's talk about
physiology a bit. What do you recommend regarding food and
other lifestyle Is there anything we can be doing biologically,
anything we should be taking to help the symptoms?
Speaker 3 (21:20):
Yes, this is such a great question, and this is
all this is what the book is about. Lifestyle medicine
is going to be the biggest lever for many of us.
I always say start by stabilizing your blood sugar because
it is all about your cellular energy and your cardio
metabolic health. I want to set you up to steel
energized in that second half of your life. But I
also want your eighty year old self to be so
(21:41):
grateful that you took care of yourself in this metabolic
window of opportunity. So stabilizing your blood sugar with your
meals is one of the fastest ways to reclaim your energy,
your mood, and your brain power. So that means protein
at every meal. Ditch the ultra process carbs. Move your
body daily, even if it's just ten minutes of walking
after your biggest meals. And then the other thing that
(22:04):
I think is such a big part of feeling energized
and having just hiring on all cylinders is making sure
that you are prioritizing sleep like it is a sacred act.
So go to bed and wake up at the same
time each day, get that morning sunlight to help reset
your circadian rhythm, and just honor that process, like have
a wind down routine that feels good to you and lastly,
(22:28):
track your cycle and your symptom so that you can
connect the dots and advocate for yourself. So when you
feel like you're needing something like supplement support or hormone
replacement therapy, you can have that conversation with your provider
to get the solutions that you deserve and most likely
you're going to need.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
You know, sleep is so important to me, and this
is a tragedy for me to tell you, good doctor,
of what's happened to me lately. I realize that when
I drink wine, I don't get a good night's sleep.
I'm wide awake at three as I thought it was menopause.
I thought it was hormones. No, no, no, it was
the flip and wine. And so I drink very little now,
(23:08):
and when I do drink, I wake up with a
wop and headache at three in the morning. And sometimes
I say that's worth it. But for the most part,
I plan my sleep starting at four in the afternoon.
I think things like, how early can I eat so
that I don't have not up all night digesting food?
Speaker 3 (23:25):
Right?
Speaker 1 (23:27):
How can I make sure I don't drink alcohol. By
the way, there's a great bubbly tea at Trader Joe's.
They didn't pay me to say this. And it's made
by like a Danish company and you put it in
a champagne glass and it tastes exactly like prosecco. So
that's my go to. And then and then I take melatonin. Hey,
(23:48):
can I get some free advice? Is it bad to
take melotonin every night?
Speaker 3 (23:52):
No, not at all. I am a big fan of melatonin,
particularly in perimenopause melotin levels are dropping. If melatonin is
helping you to get deep, RESTful sleep, quality sleep, let
me tell you. The difference between you getting quality sleep
and not usually will make or break somebody's next day.
(24:14):
So if melatonin is helping, especially as it's declining, I
am a full body yes to melotone. And I'm also
a big yes to oral micronized progesterone. I think that
that can really help support women not only get to sleep,
but also stay asleep.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Stay asleep. That's the problem. Well, I'll tell you the
melatonin is given some business to my therapist because I
dream so much on I get up in the morning
and write down my dream, so she has something to analyze. Okay,
let's make sure before we go that our listeners know
where they can get your book. Tell us again, doctor Snyder,
what the book is called and where they can find it.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
Yeah, I love this. Although the book is called The
Perimenopause Revolution, and I wrote it because women should never
have to suffer in silence. And this book is all
about not only knowing what is going on with your body,
identifying if you're imperimentopause, having all the lifestyle strategies that
are doable. You know, again, as you and I talked
about earlier, this is I always think this this time
(25:11):
in our lives is almost lappable because we have everything
going on, and so a lot of the actionable lifestyle
recommendations I make in this book are doable, like you
can get them into your life. And there is a
five week reset plan with recipes, meal plan, workout videos,
more and evening routines everything you need to at the
(25:34):
end of that five days, feel more lives. And you
can grab the book anywhere books are sold. I have
amazing bonuses that go with the book. And again, this
book is designed to help women just thrive and feel
stronger in the second half of their lives.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
That's what we want to do. Feel stronger. Thanks so
much for joining us, Doctor Marisa Snyder, when we come back.
There's one psychology test. It's a personality test that's considered
the gold standard that can predict not only your success
in career, but your success in romantic relationships. Will be
right back. You listening to doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
So I got to say something. I was reading this article.
I won't say what publication, but it was talking about, oh,
could your personality type signal how compatible you are with
each other? And then they started quoting all these studies right, like,
for instance, the love languages five different styles of love languages,
(26:50):
never proven by any psychological science. Never, I mean it's
been researched. They couldn't find any consistency to it, no reliability,
no validity for at that one Meyers Briggs. So many
companies use the sixteen personality Myers Briggs test to determine
people's personality for hiring. And you can do that and
(27:11):
it's okay, but nothing to do, you know, it's really
not reliable for the long term. Then there's that silly enogram.
I don't know the anagram is there's nine types. Again,
not science, not proven. It might as well be astrology.
I'm sorry. If you believe in astrology, you know what
it is. Astrology is where every single forecast is vague
(27:35):
or description of a personality is just vague enough for
you to project your own stuff onto it. That's how
it works. But not reliable, not proven in science. However,
there is one personality test. In fact, it's the most
widely accepted framework in modern psychology. It came out of
decades and decades of research that began in the nineteen thirties.
(27:59):
And what it is. It identifies five broad personality traits
that really kind of captures the core dimensions of what
it is to be a human, or at least our personality.
It is called the Big Five personality test. Google it
the Big five Personality Test. Sometimes they call it the
(28:21):
five Factor model, and sometimes the acronym for it is
ocean o CEA N stands for openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness,
and neuroticism. Now, this particular personality thing has been studied
(28:42):
for as I said, decades, there's lots of research, but
there's also some understanding that as we go through the lifespan,
things change can change a little bit. So, for instance,
younger people tend to be more open, open to new experiences,
open to meeting new people, all of your important to
finding a mate. As we get older, we get a
little more closed. But conscientiousness, dotting your eyes, crossing your t's,
(29:06):
lining things up, neatly, being organized, that goes up as
we get older. Extraversion and introversions tend to be pretty
stable across the lifespan. Agreeableness fairly stable. Neuroticism that has
to do with a lot of anxiety, fairly stable. So
what does this mean for our love lives. Well, the
(29:27):
big one to consider is neuroticism. If you score high,
and you can just google the Big Five personality test
and take it online. If you score high on neuroticism,
that means you have a tendency towards anxiety, mootiness, and insecurity.
It is strongly linked to lower relationship outcomes for both partners. Right,
(29:51):
couples who have like one like highly neurotic partner just
one tend to report more conflict, lower intimacy, higher breakup
and divorce rate. Right, neuroticism is the single strongest personality
predictor of poor relationship outcomes. Doesn't mean it can't be fixed.
(30:12):
There's good therapists who work with neurotic people all the
time and help them calm themselves down. Now here's some
good news. If you score high on agreeableness, it means
you're more compassionate, it means you're more cooperative. This sounds
like good traits to having a relationship, right, You're right.
High agreeableness predicts better conflict resolution, more supportive relationships, and overall,
(30:36):
just greater relationship satisfaction. So what happens is if you
have one, or if you're lucky, two partners who score
high and agreeableness, their way of being buffers against all
the stress of life.
Speaker 3 (30:53):
Right.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
But if you have even just one one person who's
more agreeable, they tend to help that other part partner
who's disagreeable calm down a bit. All right, Now, I
mentioned conscientiousness. That's reliability, self discipline, being organized, and so
in relationships, conscientiousness is correlated with commitment, fidelity, not cheating. Right,
(31:21):
Because you made a commitment to this person you made
a promise and long term stability. People who are conscientious
are more likely to invest in their relationship, manage their
responsibilities better, and they tend to avoid destructive behaviors sex, drugs,
and rock and roll. You know that. So here's what's interesting.
I score really high on extraversion, But extraversion itself isn't
(31:46):
predictive of relationship satisfaction. Actually, similarity matters, you know that
whole thing about opposites attract not always. Did you know
that two highly extroverted partners actually thrive whereas an introvert
extrovert pair clash unless they can very carefully negotiate their
(32:08):
individual needs for stimulation versus quiet time. So I will
honestly say that my husband, Julio, is the first extrovert
I've ever dated in my life. I love these stoic, quiet,
emotionally avoidant, trapped inside themselves men. They really got me going,
and we had terrible relationships. Now have a guy who
(32:29):
chats as much as I do. Wow, now he would
disagree with that. Okay, he chats almost as much as
I do. He chats more than the average guy, shall
we say, And so we can talk out everything, which
is great what else did I find in the research?
Oh oh oh, if your open openness to new experience,
(32:51):
you're curious, you're creative. Couples who are both similar to openness,
not surprisingly report greater sexuals, satisfaction, and even intellectual compatibility.
So similarity is actually more important than opposites being opposite. Right,
(33:13):
If you are similar in agreeableness and openness, that is
highly associated with greater satisfaction. Remember, the big exception is neuroticism.
If you have two neurotics together, this is not going
to be good. It is not going to end well.
So what does this mean for you? It means you
can go to the Internet right now and type in
(33:35):
the Big five personality test. You and your mate can
take it, and you can understand where your vulnerabilities are.
You can understand why you're having some of the arguments
you may be having, and it can help you, I hope,
appreciate and respect each other. Remember it's never our job
to change anybody else. It's our job to change our
(33:59):
reaction to them anyway. So this is a fun thing.
I love it. I love tests that are actually reliable
at valid So forget about the astrology and the Myers
Briggs and the Ennengram and the love languages. Just go
with the stuff that's real and that brings the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show to a close. It is always my
pleasure to be with you every Sunday from seven to
(34:20):
nine pm. And you can also follow me on my
social media. During the week, I make lots of videos.
The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh.
But I'm always here for you on Sunday nights. You've
been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh, you can always hear
us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
(34:42):
iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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