@DrWendyWalsh - Wendy's Wedding Countdown (07/28) Hour 1

Dr. Wendy is talking about Simon Biles and her representation for mental health care. Wendy's wedding countdown, our love lives with robots and three things you can do to have emotional intelligence. It's all on KFIAM-640!

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to kf I Am six forty the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app. It's always my pleasure
to be with you every Sunday fromseven to nine pm, where I talk
about everything psychology, mental health andmostly our love lives and our attachment style.

(00:21):
Hey, producer, Kayla, howare you on a dream, Doctor
Wendy. Live in the dream?Live in the dream? Have you picked
out your hat? Do you knowwhat I'm talking about? I do know
what you're talking about. I havea couple of from but I am going
to be I feel like I'm travelingin time. Oh, you're in a
wedding countdown and it is hot whereour wedding is going to be. And

(00:42):
so I have suggested that the ladiesput on their biggest Kentucky Derby stunner.
Why not a big sunn fascinator likea fascinator. Is that what it's called.
That's what Google has taught me whenI've been shopping for my fascinator hat
to match the dress that I'm goingto wear. That's what it That's what
it led me to. Fascinator it'sgonna be fun. I can't wait.

(01:03):
And who we got Elmer on theboard. How are you, Elmer?
I'm good, I'm doing good.Thanks you good. Good to see you.
We got to Heather Brooker. Heather, I have to tell you that
I just googled you for another reasonunrelated, and I love the picture that
Google shows me. First. It'sbeautiful. Oh no, which one that's
funny? I don't know. Butyou look glamorous and happy. Oh thank

(01:23):
you? Say that's what we want, the first thing to see when the
Internet gives us something. Right,Oh good? Oh I see it's where
I'm smiling really big in my kissdress. Yeah, thank you? So?
Uh have you been watching the Olympics? Everybody been watching? I'm watching.
Yeah, I'm watching right now.Yeah. Oh good, keep up
because if we have any important updates, I hope you're going to jump in

(01:44):
with it. It's a it's ahighlight of my four years. Just so
let you know. I love Olympics. And the big news is my own
daughter Carrington, who lives in Paris, is there today. She was at
let's see swimming and gymnastics, whichis cool, and she made a little
TikTok video because that's how moms getto keep in touch with their kids.
They get to just look at theirTikTok videos and go, oh, they're

(02:05):
having a nice life. That's great. I was mowing the lawn and I
put some some peroxide in my hotwater heater today. Do you know you
have to do that, Kayla?Sometimes I did not know that. Yeah,
well sometimes they smell skanky. Canwe say skanky on the radio?
Oh? Did you hear that?That means? Don't say that word on

(02:27):
the radio. I think that's whatthat meants. Oh, oh okay,
So Simone Biles, can we juststop and talk about this amazing woman who's
my biggest hero. I like tocall her our new poster child for mental
health care. She currently leads inOlympic qualifiers in Paris. She's twenty seven
years old. I want to saythat again. She's twenty seven years old.

(02:50):
When she was eighteen and she waswinning gymnastics medals, she said,
I don't think I'll be doing thispast the age of twenty. I mean
that would be silly, right,twenty seven still at it. She is
probably the best gymnast in history,both by her natural talent and her medal

(03:13):
count. She has a record thirtyseven Olympic and World medals. She has
I would say, completely transformed thesport and now her dangerously difficult routines remain
unmatched by others. And you gottaknow, this young woman for years and
years has sacrificed both her body andher mind. Now I want to remind

(03:42):
you if you haven't been watching thenews in recent years, she's been psychologically
tormented by the fact that she isopen as a survivor of sexual assault.
She was one of hundreds of womensexually assaulted by the former National Media team
doctor Lawrence Nasar. She also hasendured all kinds of physical pain. She

(04:09):
has had foot problems, ankle problems, knee problems. She once competed with
a full on kidney infection and didn'ttake any painkillers because she didn't want to
test with any drugs in her system. But before Nasar's abuse, and before

(04:30):
I don't have to remind everybody theFBI's bungling of the case, she suffered
major depression and anxiety. And beforeall of that she had been a bubbly
teenager. But her big downfall happenedin twenty twenty one. You might remember
the Tokyo Games, she got whatis called a case of the twisties,

(04:54):
which means during a qualifying event,she realized in mid air that she had
no idea where her body was inrelation to the ground, literally like lost
all sense of balance. In fact, in one landing, she flew so
far out of bounds that she slidoff the competition's surface. In golf and

(05:16):
baseball, they call it the yips. In gymnastics they call it the twisties,
where they literally forget how to dowhat they need to do. So
she quit, She walked off.Now, then the internet took over and
those critics took to their keyboards aftershe withdrew. And even though she said

(05:39):
she had a mental block and shewas disoriented in the air, she was
attacked. So I did little researchto figure out, like what happened in
twenty twenty one, like what wasgoing on? Well, she's used to
having her parents and her sister inthe stands because it was during COVID there
were no fans alone and her familywas not allowed in, and her sister

(06:04):
wasn't there to say go simone rightbefore and so there was this moment where
she was triggered from being alone.And you gotta know, besides that sexual
assault, Simone Biles has overcome somuch childhood trauma. She was born in
Columbus, Ohio. Both her parentsstruggled with alcoholism and drug addiction. Her

(06:27):
father abandoned the family early on,and her mother was unable to care for
Simone and her three siblings. Shewas sent to foster care when she was
just three years old. Eventually,she was adopted by her mom's her mom's
father, her grandfather biological grandfather,and his second wife, Nellie. Nellie

(06:51):
loving this woman, she calls hermom. She's been there with her all
the way along. Biles spent twoyears or more in therapy. She was
planning to never come back, andanother former olympian told her, you're gonna
if it's still in your body,just get your brain fixed. And she

(07:14):
did, and she is back andwe are all cheering her on, and
I am so proud that she's talkingopenly about therapy and mental health and just
I love this woman, just loveher, just saying, all right,
when we come back, I wantto change up the conversation a little bit.
I mentioned earlier in the show thatI'm on a wedding countdown. I

(07:35):
won't say how many days or I'llget dizzy in a case of the twisties
myself. What stuff changes if youare somebody who's getting married, who got
married, knows somebody who's getting married, if your friend is getting married.
There's all kinds of social circle adjustmentsthat happen, and there's some psychological things

(07:56):
that happen when somebody in a socialcircle gets married, or I should add
it also happens when somebody in asocial circle gets divorced. Let's talk about
the fallout, both positive and negativefrom unions and separations. When we come
back. You are listening to theDoctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM six

(08:18):
forty. We're live everywhere on theiHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI AM sixforty. Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I mean, my friends are shocked
by the way I've been a singlemother for like twenty years and put my
kids first. They're both doing great, thank you very much, and it's

(08:39):
time. It's time I tied theknot. And people are like, why
Why are your age? Why buythat? Why do it? Because we
love each other and we know nobody'sgoing anywhere at this point, so why
not have a party. That's whatI'm saying. You know, there's a
lot of stress in wedding planning,But the truth is, I worry less

(09:01):
about everything going smoothly, and I'mmore likely to worry about my guests having
a good time. So I ammore worried about the food and the cocktails
and the table decorations than my dress. My dress hasn't even done yet.
I haven't even seen it. Idon't know it. It doesn't matter,
And you know what, I think, the fun happens when mistakes happen.

(09:22):
You know, I went to seewith Julio, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
a few months ago, and theyhave a thing at the end of their
live show where people can ask questions. I think they put, you know,
little questions in a box or somethingand they get chosen and pull it
out. And one of the questionswas from a woman, I'm marrying my
girlfriend, any advice on what weshould or shouldn't do for the wedding?

(09:46):
And I think Amy Poehler said,you've got to have the crazy, racist,
sexist, drunk uncle give the toast, because then the wedding will have
something to talk about. Right,of course, we don't have one of
those in our family. But Ican't worry about anything, is the point.
But I do want to say thatI've noticed things changing in my life,

(10:09):
positive and negative. I want toremind everybody that both marriage and divorce
are highly contagious among social circles.There's lots of research to support this.
Divorce six degrees with separation. Inother words, you might be six couples
away from the couple that is gettingdivorced, and there might be a ripple
effect of news and information. Literally, dudes, if your wife has a

(10:33):
friend who's going through a divorce,don't let her go out and hang out
with her feeling contagious. The weddingsare also contagious. People go to weddings
and they're feeling closer, they feelmisty, they feel romance. But there's
all kinds of unconscious things going on. You see, in our modern culture,

(10:56):
relationships, particularly marriages, tend tobe a bridge between tribes, and
bridges are made, bridges are brokenand everybody. They're also kind of the
social organizer for all kinds of thingslike I will say very clearly that the
worst part about being a single mother, besides being dog tired and having no

(11:18):
money all those years, was feelingexcluded by couples. You know, I
didn't get those couple invitations, Andnow I love having couples over for dinner.
I'm like, oh my god,a couple I haven't you know?
Mind you there was a really great, wonderful group of single mothers in my
life, but I didn't have thosecouple invitations. So what happens when somebody's

(11:43):
getting married. Some people start tofeel abandoned. Some people might feel jealous.
Some people might feel you're just goingto be too busy, or you'll
change right. They're all kinds ofthings that can happen. But I'm also
noticing certain people. As I'm feelingcertain people become distant, I'm also feeling
certain people become closer, which isfascinating. Not all couple people, but

(12:05):
just different friends. So really,I'm just sitting back and watching it all,
trying not to take certain things toopersonally, and just sort of seeing
how all the cards lay out,if it will. I have never felt
so sure about something in my life. Although I want to remind everybody that
went till death to us part wasinvented. Death was pretty imminent. If

(12:30):
you got married in the year nineteenhundred, the average length of that marriage
was about twelve years because somebody diedof something. If you got married in
nineteen ninety, your average length ofthat marriage was about twelve years. In
this case, it was divorce.Well, we're of a certain age where
I think it's okay to say tilldeath to us part. He hates it

(12:50):
when I make that joke. Hehates it when I make that joke.
I'm like, honey, somebody's goingto die soon. I'm just saying.
He does not like that, thismorbid, dark sense of humor, but
I do. Hey, when wecome back, I want to talk about
AI, but not just artificial intelligence, another kind of AI that is already

(13:13):
happening and about to explode, artificialintimacy. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy wall Show on KFI AM sixforty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app. You're listening to Doctor WendyWalsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.

(13:35):
The future is here. I waslistening to a really good episode of
NPR's Body Electric. It's a greatpodcast by manuche Zamorrodi and the podcast was
called if it Feels Real, Shouldwe care if it's not? And in
it they explore this idea of artificialintimacy. They asked the same questions that

(14:01):
the characters in the movie Her asked. If it feels good and it feels
like a real relationship, then itmust be doing good, right. I
mean, I have been saying thisfor years that close intimate relationships are really
good for us. They're good forour mental health, they're good for our

(14:22):
physical health. There's lots of researchto show that you're less likely to have
heart disease, high blood pressure.One time I had a cardiologist on who
said he's never had a patient whowas in love. They've never had heart
problems. You're less likely to sufferfrom depression when you're in a relationship,
or develop all kinds of other chronicillnesses. And yes, long term committed

(14:48):
people actually live longer. So evolutionarypsychologists have also found that when you spend
time with people you start to masmack each other, you get a biological
mirroring that happens your limbic systems.You start gesturing. You ever see couples

(15:09):
they talk the same way, theywalk the same way, but actually their
brain waves get in sync. Iwill tell you flat out that the number
one reason that I am marrying Juliois because he relaxes me. There's something
that happens when we're together where wefeel calmer. So if it all feels

(15:30):
good, do we actually need toconnect with our humans? I know lots
of people have pets and animals andget some of the same benefits, probably
not the romantic or the sexual relationship, but just being near and petting your
blood pressure right. It makes mewonder if these kind of artificial relationships,

(15:52):
and plenty of people are already havingthem just in you know, online love
relationships. Like I can't believe howmany will write to me and say,
you know, having this boyfriend problemand we've been together for three years.
And then I'm like, okay,well what exactly is the problem, And
something will come out that the personwill say, well, you know,
the time zone thing is a problem, and I'm like, oh, it's

(16:15):
a long distance relationship. No,it's an online relationship, And I'm like,
wait, a minute. You've nevermet each other in the real world.
Look how many seasons of Catfish areon MTV now from this people having
these emotional connections. It makes mewonder if this artificial intimacy is kind of

(16:36):
like a placebo drug. You know, when they do double blind control studies
and they give one group of peoplethe sugar pill. They don't know it's
the sugar pill. A good chunkof them get better anyway, Right,
So it's artificial intimacy, kind oflike a placebo. Look, we're already
having relationships with bots. Take onlyyour navigation. I have a young,

(17:02):
pretty, I imagine she's pretty Irishgirl who navigates me around. A friend
of mine has a male with anIndian accent. She calls him Raj.
She's given him a name. Theychat right, Siri Alexa. Yesterday I
had the wonderful pleasure of babysitting aone year old neighbors of mine. And
this kid was right in the middleof her stranger anxiety. So no sooner

(17:25):
did mom and dad go out thedoor that she started screaming. And I
was keeping myself calm because I knowthat's the first thing to do, and
trying distraction that wasn't working. Andthen you know, I just allowed her
to be sad for a while andcary and scream and then I thought,
oh, maybe she'll get tired.So immediately I went to Alexa. I
said, Alexa, blay me somelalla blies. Time to rut. Right,
there's a robot in some ways.Your social media apps are listening all

(17:52):
the time. Right. Some peopleare having relationships with people online ornography.
Right, we know there's a chatbotfor everything personal trainers, life coaches,
therapists, but now lovers. Well, I think online artificial intimacy really is

(18:17):
an illusion. You see, there'sa problem with it. It teaches us
what a relationship is when that relationshipdoesn't have any friction, any conflict,
any pushback, or any vulnerability.And I think that is the challenge with
technology producer, Kayla, I wantyou to try to get her on our

(18:38):
show. I would love to speakwith MIT psychologists and sociologists. Sherry Turkle
because she has been her write thatdown. She has been studying our relationship
with AI for a while. Andhere's her quote. She says, what
I really think is bad, andI think that needs to be taken out
of the equation is the technolog issaying I love you back, I care

(19:03):
about you, and implying that theirperson who has a backstory, a life,
and having an empathetic relationship with you. Because her biggest fear is that
people will start to believe the robotsthat say I love you. Her best
advice is, remember it's an operatingsystem. Remember it's an avatar. Do
not get so attached that you can'tget away from it. Don't get addicted.

(19:30):
You're getting addicted to your TikTok.You're getting addicted to your artificial girlfriend
boyfriend. You know, my momalways used to say, never love anything
that can't love you back. Allright, speaking about emotions, when we
come back, did you know thereare three things that people with high emotional

(19:52):
intelligence naturally do and we can alllearn how to do these three things when
we come back. You're listening toDoctor Wendy whe Show on KFI AM six
forty. We're live everywhere on theiHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI AM sixforty. This is the Doctor Wendy Welsh

(20:12):
Show. I talk about emotional intelligencea lot, and it is, in
my opinion, one hundred percent learned. Yeah, there's a genetic component.
Some people are born with more concretereasoning, more analytical. They might be
a little bit on the autism spectrumand they have to work harder to pick

(20:37):
up emotional or social cues. Butfor the rest of us, we can
all learn how to be emotionally andemotionally intelligent. And why is the answer
because people who are emotionally intelligent havebetter health, better mental health, and
most importantly, better relationships. SoI met this guy was having a drink

(21:00):
at a bar, waiting for somefriends for dinner, and he was so
charismatic. He told me these reallyinteresting stories about himself. I was amazed
by some of the things he'd donein his life. It was a really
great conversation. He seemed smart,he seemed entertaining, but he wasn't very

(21:22):
emotionally intelligent. After I left,I thought to myself, Wow, he
didn't ask me one thing about me. And when I dropped little breadcrumbs meaning
that he would tell a story andI woulday, oh, that's like the
time I was, you know,working, bah blah blah, and this
happened to me. He didn't pickup that line, he went right back

(21:45):
to another story about him not emotionallyintelligent, yet pleasant enough, a great
conversationalist. Another story. A fewdays ago, a girlfriend of mine texted
me that she was she should ina text, but when people are shy
about expressing negative things, they putit in text. Not the best advice.

(22:07):
But she was irritated by something thatI did. So I immediately called,
and she wrote that she couldn't pickup the phone she was in a
meeting, and so then I hadto respond with a very long text saying
I'm so sorry, Please tell mewhat I did. I didn't mean to
hurt your feelings, and you're soimportant to me, and blah blah blah
blah blah. Then she called meand she's like, I've never had a
reaction like that from somebody. Usuallythey get so defensive, or they block

(22:32):
you or they fight with you,you know. And you were just like,
hey, how can I not haveyou have this feeling? Right?
I have naturally a great deal ofinsight, but I won't lie to you.
I spent eighteen years in therapy havingemotional conversations with my therapist. I
mean, on and off eighteen yearsyou know when I needed it so that

(22:56):
I could grow a better emotional lengthwuage. So I was reading this great
article by doctor Jenny Woe, aHarvard trained psychologist, and she says,
there are three things that people withhigh emotional intelligence do. First, they
ask questions. They ask specific kindsof questions. They ask questions that relate

(23:25):
to deep feelings. So I lookback at that conversation I had with the
guy at the bar, and Ithought to myself, of course he was
talking all about him, because thereI was asking these deep questions that made
him think. So people who arehighly emotional intelligent might say things like,
how did you get into and whatare your thoughts on? What's your opinion
on this? How do you feelabout Say, you're asking about feelings,

(23:51):
You're asking origin stories, You're askingopinions. People who are emotionally smart,
who want to make connections with others, ask those kinds of questions. The
other thing they do is most oftennaturally, but you can learn to do
this. They mirror somebody's verbal toneand body language. Remember earlier I was

(24:17):
talking about how in our intimate relationshipswe start to walk the same talk the
same use. This make the kindof the same jokes of the same voice
cadence. Right. This helps peoplestay close and connect it. So people
with high emotionally emotional intelligence actually arereally good at reading social cues. They

(24:41):
are able to naturally mirror people andget this deep connection. So if somebody
speaking fast, they speak fast.If somebody speaking slow they sleep, they
speak slow. It's not copying,right, it's not manipulation. It's connecting.
It's aligning with the other person andwhere they're at. And what does

(25:03):
this do psychologically? It helps buildtrust and it helps show respect to the
other person. So they asked questions. I was doing that with the guy
at the bar. They mirror theirvocal to I remember kind of doing the
same thing. He was animated.I got animated with the stories, right.

(25:26):
But here's where I realized he didn'thave too much emotional intelligence. The
third thing that highly emotionally intelligent peopledo is they share their personal stories of
their own mistakes and failures, whichI did. Right, So in our
conversation, I'd say, oh,yeah, that thing that happened to me

(25:48):
and blah blah blah, and therewas no empathy that came back. He
immediately went into his next story abouthimself. Right, So, people who
are intelligent emotionally also have a backbone. They have self confidence. They can
be real, they can be authentic. They're not afraid to talk about their

(26:11):
fears or their failures. I canhonestly say that I use my vulnerability as
a strength. It's my way ofconnecting with people. I am fully human
as you are if you're listening.We are imperfect people living in an imperfect

(26:33):
world. Problems happen when we tryto control other people or control the world.
If we can instead sit back andsay, hey, I am not
perfect. I do want to addthat sometimes emotionally intelligent people get rejected by
people who are less emotionally intelligent orwho have lower self esteem, because those

(26:56):
people get a little rattled. Theyget a little scared by all your authenticity,
right, particularly people who have anavoidant attachment style where emotions and intimacy
are hard, and then there youare just bearing it all and talking about
your feelings, and that scares them. Just no, they have difficulty forming

(27:17):
close relationships anyway. It's not justyou. Hey, when we come back,
I want to open up my Instagramand my TikTok and my YouTube and
producer Kayle's going to help me findsome of your questions. Reminder to everybody,
I'm not a therapist. I'm apsychology professor, but I love to
weigh in with my opinion on yourlove lives. So if you've got a

(27:37):
question, send me a DM.The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
You are listening to the Doctor WendyWalsh Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live onKFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime ondemand the iHeartRadio app