@DrWendyWalsh - Why Going Home for the Holidays Matters and the Friendship Gap Between Men and Women
December 21, 2025 • 39 mins
It's the holiday season and Dr. Wendy is covering why it is good to go home for the holidays. PLUS there is a huge difference in men friendships and women friendships and how we can improve friendships for men. All that and even more on KFIAM-640.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I am six forty the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Producer Kayla, I normally have
a full stomach, as you know, when we do this show.
My sweet husband Julio goes over to Whole Foods and
gets us some little sushi before we do the show.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
He sure does. He's amazing, Like he's not.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Here though, But thank goodness because I'd be staring at
the sushi and unable to aid it. I have to
have one of those endisc copies tomorrow and I can't
eat for twenty four hours.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
So you have any in all day?
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Well, I have breakfast, but that's it. I can't eat
till one o'clock tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I will say your energy is very good. You don't
get angry. Huh, you're not hungry?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
No, but I hold my energies up. I did have
like a black coffee. How is black coffee a clear liquid?
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Somebody needs it? Who makes these rules?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I need to doctor who sent me all the stuff
said clear liquids, including black coffee, no cream? Okay, I
know it's a weird one, but I do want to
say this about little fasting. You know, I'm a professor
of health psychology. I you know, if you every once
in a while, it actually makes your brain cells bloom,
you get more, it increases your smartness. Basically, clearly it's
(01:08):
not working for me right now. But yeah, So they
did this study, it was at the University of British
Columbia to figure out what was the most like, what
was the perfect time to fast and for how long?
And they figured out once every eight days, for about
twenty four hours if you fast. Here's why, back in
our anthropological past, when you got hungry, you didn't get
(01:30):
sleepy and angry and just to curl up in a
ball and go to sleep, you would have died. Those people,
their genes did not stay in evolution's chain. They died.
The ones who got activated and said I'm gonna find
a way, I'm gonna get me some meat, some vegetables,
I'm gonna walk further, harder, and they just got smarter.
So fasting is good for you. That's what I'm telling
myself right now. Hey, if you're new to my show,
(01:50):
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor,
I'm a little nervous about my course that's coming up
next semester because I'm teaching a sync grimness lead. Do
you know what that big word means, Kayla. I didn't either.
I had to look it all up. It basically means
that you teach online but not at a set time,
so you pre record all your lecture videos or whatever,
(02:11):
and you have stuff that they're supposed to read or whatever.
But there's a lot in order to make sure that
you're not grading the robots work, you have to like
do lots of class discussions where they're posting stuff back
and forth and they have to use examples from their
life based on the content. All fine, if you have
thirty students, fine, if you have sixty students. You know
how many I have next semester, one hundred and ten
(02:35):
from twenty eight different counties. I know it's gonna be fun.
I set up a discord community for them. Do you
know what that is? Like?
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Where they going to talk outside of you, just with
each other.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
I don't know all kinds of ways they can talk.
It's like a gamer's thing. It's like a social media
for gamers.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
But Julio told me that I would be very cool
with the students if I set it up.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
So are you cool? Oh you're gonna find out next
semester if you're cool with them after you set this up,
if they like well.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Apparently Discord is like the coolest of the cours a
fancy piano. I don't know anyway that's gonna do. Hey,
are you going home for the holiday? Are you going home?
I am?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Are you excited?
Speaker 2 (03:08):
I can't wait? You See.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
The thing about Kayla that I want everyone to know,
just as an example of good living, is that she
has a very big family and they are very close,
very close, and they go on these big old family
vacations where they take a picture where they all wear white,
that big, huge, like it's a diddy white party.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
Is that what it is?
Speaker 2 (03:33):
He's starting off so right.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
They go on cruise ships. They go to islands, tropical islands,
and there's like two hundred of them. It's very nice,
I know. And so she just saw them on some
damn tropical location. And now she's going to New Jersey
to see him again. Love that.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
I can't see him enough?
Speaker 1 (03:51):
All right, Well, some people, and I'm also going I'm
taking my girls to Ottawa to my brother's house where
we have Canada. Yes, very nice, it's in Canaday. Oh.
If they hear my American accent, I'm going to be
in deep trouble because you know, there's some animosity right
now between Canada and America.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
I think you still got a little bit of the accent.
It's not as strong as your brother.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
But as soon as I cross the border, it's like
we're going to oat and a boat the hostie, it's
gonna change. So if you're somebody who doesn't like to
go home for the holidays, even if home is just
across the valley or whatever, I want to make a
plea with you to go home anyway. You know, normally
(04:32):
when I do my Christmas segment, I talk about, you know,
if you've had childhood trauma, here's how you should set boundaries,
here's how you should be careful, and you don't have
to go, and you can stay in a hotel la la.
This year, I did a deep dive on the research
and I found some research that supports why you should
(04:54):
go even if you don't want to go. So let's
go through some of the reasons. First of all, just
being around people, Okay, we've been through a pandemic. We
talk about isolationism. That's happening with so many people. Social
connection improves your mental health, even when your family dynamics
are less than perfect. Research still consistently shows that staying
(05:17):
connected to your family or close social networks is linked
to much better mental health and lower rates of depression. So,
for instance, maybe you don't like the way your siblings
chew their food or whatever something or what they eat,
I don't know, but the overall feeling of being known
and included boosts your emotional wellbeing. Okay, when you get together,
(05:39):
you're going to do something together, right, You're either going
to cook together, play games together, watch a movie together.
Shared experiences deepen emotional bonds. And this research is from
social psychology who say that like holiday meals or any
other transition traditions you haven't eaten, it amplifies positive emotions.
(06:01):
So you might not love every single conversation that's going
to take place at your holiday dinner table, but just
laughing together every once in a while, maybe to a
familiar family story, that is the emotional glue that reduces
any irritation you might have. And rituals I've talked about
rituals a lot in the past. Human beings tribes create
(06:24):
rituals to help reinstate who they are as a team,
as a group. So regular family rituals, whether it's holiday
gatherings or other things, are definitely associated with reduced stress
and improved psychological functioning. You know why, because they create predictability.
We know it's common, it's a holiday here, it is,
and they create meaning. So even something like baking whatever,
(06:47):
your grandmother's stuffing whatever, can feel grounding, especially when life
is pretty hectic. Right now, all right, rituals. Look, let's
talk about that isolation, the loneliness that so many Americans
are experiencing. Research shows that loneliness is one of the
(07:08):
strongest predictors of holiday depression. It's also worse on your
health physical health than smoking an obesity combined. This is true,
all right. You might feel awkward with your family of origin,
you might feel a little irritated, but that is less
(07:30):
emotionally costly than spending the holidays alone. Okay, really important. Also, hey,
break up your routine. If you think, oh, I'm not
going to go home on a holiday and I'm just
gonna I'm going to catch up on work on my computer.
I'm going to get so much done without all the
emails and calls coming. Look, travel and time away from
(07:52):
those daily stuff you have to do is linked to
lower stress, reduced anxiety, and improved mood, even when the
trip itself isn't relaxing. I don't know if you've ever
gone on a vacation that's like a high energy, intense vacation.
You don't have to be lying on a beach sipping
a pina colada to get relaxed. Even doing something different,
(08:13):
just changing your routine and doing something different can create
a sense of relaxation because you're just stepping out of
your normal routine and that can it'll recite your nervous system,
even if there is the occasional family tension. Now, I
do want to say this, I'm not talking to you
if you came from a family that was filled with
so much horror and so much emotional trauma. You know,
(08:35):
we throw the word trauma around like everybody's got it.
Everybody doesn't have it, Okay, No, it's a life trauma
is a life changing event that is so awful to
think of that it causes dysfunction in your life. You know,
most of us have every day, round of the mill
(08:58):
stress for it. Right, So, in relatively healthy families, stress
is usually pretty temporary, and it's pretty predictable, and research
shows that that is far less damaging than you know,
having chronic or emotionally unsafe stress.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
So, let's say you're going to the holiday dinner table
and you're about ready to engage in a political conversation
with some family member that you know is going to
be awful. You know, that's discomfort, that's not trauma, that's
not stress, all right, and in fact, have an open mind,
let them talk. Get to know everybody. It's important, you know,
(09:39):
I really believe the algorithms, technology and the media have
separated us, and I really believe everybody I know is
somewhere around the center. I know a few far left,
I know a few far right, and they're the same
kind of person, by the way, fear based thinking, fear
based thinking. But the rest of us are somewhere in
(10:00):
the middle. Remember that if you do have stress in
your life, just having that social support around you can
help relieve that.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
So you have this awkward moment at the dinner table,
shake it off. You're surrounded by people who love you, laughter,
write shared history. In the end, mild discomfort can actually
strengthen your ability to have emotional resilience. We all got
to stop being snowflakes. We can have these conversations and
(10:30):
still love somebody. You know, it's possible to have two
feelings at once. One feeling is you're disgusting and I
deeply love you. That's pretty much all marriage is just
going to say, Actually, short term stress, that's what we're
talking about here, versus long term emotional health. Right, a
few days of manageable stress is going to support your
(10:53):
long term mental health. So go home for the holidays,
bring a dish, some covered plate of something yummy. You know.
My daughter said to me the other day. She goes, Mom,
well you make stuffing for me. And I'm like, only
stuffing I ever knew was stuffed in a turkey for
like twelve hours or whatever. And I was like, stuffing
is supposed to be stuffing from the inside of the turkey.
(11:13):
She goes, no, I think you can make some in
a pot nowadays, So I'm gonna get her boxes stuffing.
She said, I, Well, why do you want it? Should?
I just like to eat it. I'm like, okay, I'll
do that for you. Hey, when we come back. You know,
there's a big difference between the way men and women
forge friendships and maintain friendships, very different, and we need
(11:34):
to understand each other because of that. Let's talk about
it when we come back.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
When social psychologists think about how men and women kind
of socially organize themselves, I like to use when I
teach my students the metaphor of a ladder versus a circle.
So men, if you think, you know, think are anthropologically
(12:09):
they organized these hunts. They needed a team leader, they
needed a quarterback, right, they needed a coach. They organize
themselves on a ladder. So when men hang out together,
you're gonna hear them kind of like verbally kick each
other to figure out what wrung on the ladder they're on,
and that's actually connection and love for them. Women, on
the other hand, form a circle because women needed each
(12:31):
other for shared childcare and in the tribe raising kids together.
So you will hear women, no matter what those genes
look like on her go, oh my god, you have
new genes. They look so cute, right. We compliment each
other to gain friendship. Men insult each other to gain friendship.
It's bizarre how it works. I remember one time I
(12:55):
met this woman. She happened to be gay, and I
don't know if she was acculturated like a guy or whatever,
but she was doing guy style putting down other women
like ah, nah, you couldn't get over that came man,
you know whatever.
Speaker 5 (13:09):
And I was just like, whoa, that just feels really weird.
Maybe she had brothers, Yeah, I don't know. Maybe she
just sees guys doing it and she does it and
does none work.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Doesn't work with women. Women like the compliments. So there
are big differences besides that between men's and women's friendships.
First of all, men's friends listen up. If you are
a guy out there and you're experiencing the male loneliness crisis,
you're gonna want to stay close to this segment and
the next one. Male friendships tend to be activity based
(13:44):
and not emotion based. So to say to a guy,
call him up, see if he wants to go have
a beer with you, two heterosexual men are going to go,
oh no, that's that's weird, although I have to tell
you the sweetest, most wonderful story. Maybe a guys get older,
it gets a little different. My husband met a man
(14:04):
in the last few months who they've become friends with,
and they hike and they work on cars together and
they do stuff whatever. But when he's away he does
have a beautiful beach house. He sends my husband pictures
of sunsets. It's so sweet. I mean, he's married, we're
both mayor. It's just cute. It's just like thinking to you.
He doesn't say thinking to you. He's no comment, right,
(14:25):
just send the sunset. And of course Julio's like, here,
look at the wonderful sunset. I'm like, that's so nice. Right.
But in general, men tend to have a golf friend,
a workout buddy, a guy from the car club, whatever.
Here's some interesting research. I found men spend way less
(14:45):
time maintaining friendships than women do. So today, for instance,
I had some time to kill not to kill. I
had some free time, and I hadn't I was unscheduled
to do many things, so I started calling up girlfriends
just to check and reconnect, and one of them, I said,
I haven't talked to you in so long. I just
want to reach out and wish you happy holidays and whatever.
(15:06):
And la la la, la, la la la. We chatted,
Chatta chatta chatted, and next thing you know, you know,
an hour in the car was used up quickly on
the freeways. And that was one girlfriend. Then I had
two more to call. This is what we do. Men
are far less likely to call, text, or check in
when with friends, even when they consider these friendships important.
(15:26):
So here's an interesting study. They asked a group of
men who they felt their closest friend was their most
intimate friend, and then they reached out to those intimate
friends to find out if they had the same belief
about this person. And guess what they found out. Some
of the friends were dead. The guys didn't even know
(15:49):
that they're closing Viventa. They weren't maintaining their friendships right. Also,
men are very cautious about emotional intimacy with other men.
This is homopha folks. Okay, they don't want to be
too close, right, They keep their conversations kind of surfacy, right.
(16:10):
But what they are really good at because they can't
use emotional words like dude, I love you man. They
can't say that. Instead, they give and receive like real
instrumental support. They do things for each other, right, They're like, hey,
I'll go pick that up, man, Yeah, I go through whatever.
(16:31):
Interestingly enough, men's friendships are far more resilient to conflict
than women's are. Did you know, Kayla, when we have
a fight, a cat fight with a girlfriend, we just
end that friendship. We just don't. Yeah, Guys just are like, no,
he's cool, I'll talk to him later.
Speaker 6 (16:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
They don't take it a serious to break. They don't
take it as seriously at all. They argue, They might
stop talking for a period and then they reconnect like
nothing happened. And I'm always like, you don't remember.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Yeah, I don't get it.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
I don't get it either. Also, guys joke a lot
in their friendships, and that is their replacement for emotional closeness.
And as I said, the kind of joking is always deprecating.
They're always kind of putting each other down. But I'm
telling you it's worth it because close friendships help men
cope with stress and emotional challenge. Emotional social connection is
(17:23):
vital for mental and physical health. When we come back,
let's talk more about men's friendships. And Hey, if you're
a guy, I'm going to give you a little bit
of vice, just a little bit of advice of how
you can form a male friend. You can do it.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 7 (17:44):
The US Coast Guard is pursuing a third sanctioned vessel
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If successful, it would be the second such operation this weekend.
The Pentagon confirms military forces intercepted a tanker carrying sanctioned
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(18:06):
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Speaker 8 (18:24):
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Speaker 1 (18:55):
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Speaker 10 (18:57):
All Right, the year's almost over, and if you think
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(20:22):
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The other stations they do a lot of political correct nonsense.
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stimulating to how many of us have them friends? Ones?
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Wee friends? How many of us have them friends?
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Hayley, you picked the best music for this show.
Speaker 7 (22:55):
Thank you?
Speaker 1 (22:55):
You actually read my little list of topics. Oh.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
I love this show. It's my favorite.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
So sweet we are Hi, welcome back, Welcome back to
the DODR Wendy Ball Show. I forget that you're even here.
I'm busy just chatting with Kayla like nobody else is
in the room, and then I realize you're here. All
my listeners are here. Hi. All right. I hope you
drag your guy to the radio or put a headset
on him so that he can hear how he can
(23:21):
make better friends. I want to remind you that lack
of social support is linked to serious mental health risks,
especially for men. We are not only in a mating
crisis in America where we are not replacing the population.
People aren't getting together, they're not pro creating. And we're
(23:43):
not going to blame individuals on this. We can blame
the whole landscape of what's going on, from technology commodifying
love to the economy and young people unable to even
think about supporting a family, et cetera. But the amount
of men, especially young men, who have retreated into their
(24:03):
mother's basement, trying to forge fortunes, trading crypto, playing computer games,
using pornography. This has got to stop because there's some
fabulous women out there. You just got to get out
of the basement. You also have to make real life friends.
Know I have friends. They're in a gaming room. No,
(24:24):
they're on a microphone and a headset and you're looking
at their avatar. No, I need you in the real world,
all right. So male friendships buffer I mentioned psychologically, also
biologically social interactions gentlemen increase hormones like oxytocin, the cuddle hormone. No,
(24:45):
you're not suppos a cuddle, you're dode friend. I'm just
saying it's we call it that because it's the feel
good bonding hormone that creates resilience to stress, and it
contributes to healthier aging and overall well being. And guess what.
Research shows that men who maintain friendships have healthier lifestyles
and outcomes. Studies that tract men over time find that you,
(25:08):
guys who sustain your friendships starting in childhood, tend to
have better physical health. That means lower blood pressure, less obesity,
et cetera. All right, so how do you do it?
That's you're asking, how do we do it? I mentioned
that male friendships tend to take place around in activity,
So start with a shared activity and don't force the
(25:30):
intimacy because that's creepy to guys.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
It's not to me.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
You can say nice, sweet emotional things to me, but
to other guys they might be like ooop. You don't
sit around and talk about your feelings. You join a
pickup game of something, you join a hiking group, you
volunteer for a project, You have a hobby or club.
So you know, my husband lives classic Porsches, and so
(25:55):
he goes to the Porsche club and meets other equally
nerdy men who talk about I don't know, engine size
and transmissions and who changes the oil whatever. Whatever you're into, dudes,
there's another dude who's into it too. Okay, But here's
the key. You want to do it consistently. You don't
want to just go to that club once and go.
(26:15):
I don't really click with anybody that's not really for me.
You have to consistently show up. I will say that
this cars and coffee thing that Julio goes to, He'll
get out of bed early in the morning.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
I gotta go, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
And I'm like, you don't even know anybody there. I know,
but I gotta go. It's Friday, whatever, it's Sunday morning, whatever,
So show up consistently. Repeated exposure is one of the
strongest predictors of friendship formation. Familiarity just alone, just seeing
your face there regularly builds trust. That means, let's say
you're going to a class at the gym, go to
(26:47):
the same one every time, or a weekly meetup, go
at the same time all right. Now, when you do
issue the invitation, guys do low pressure invitations. Men are
more likely to say yes to an invitation from another
dude if it feels super casual and super like short
(27:07):
time that they have to invest So you might say
something like, hey, I'm grabbing a beer after the workout,
do you want to join? Or instead of saying, hey,
we should hang out sometime. No no no, no, no
no no, don't say that, be very specific. Uh whatever
you can do that. You know, Julio goes to pilates.
It's all women, and sometimes the end of class, the
(27:29):
women will say, you know, we're going for coffee. You
want to join us. He's like, no, I don't want to. Well,
he's just he's a one woman man.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Would you want him to go to coffee with women
after plates?
Speaker 1 (27:40):
If it was just like you know, he's certainly could,
but I would definitely show up there.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
You better Yeah, yeah those ones are probably hot.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Yeah, I gotta go there and protect those made poachries. Yeah,
you do perfect him from those mate poachers. Okay, what
else was I going to say?
Speaker 7 (27:53):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Let vulnerability happen sideways. Let me explain. So I mentioned
that emotional connection often grows through shared experiences and humor,
not direct disclosure. So you're out on a hike, or
you're fixing something together, you're watching a game, Just talk
about that thing that you're doing. Don't worry about that
(28:15):
other stuff will come, and you know what, when somebody
does has a crisis and it's time for emotional disclosure.
Like a dude finally says you, I think my wife
is leaving me. Right then you got to say, oh, buddy,
that sucks. Well, I'm here if you need anything. That's
all you need to say. You don't have to go well,
what does she say? Why do you think she's leaving you?
(28:35):
One of my favorite TikTok videos actually was hysterical. It
was the title of it was what my wife wants
to know about a breakup. So a dude says to
another dude, Hey, so my girlfriend and I broke up,
and he pulls out a little card and he goes, okay,
so I want to know how long were you dating?
(28:56):
And how long when did you start to first have sex?
When you started dating? Okay? And did her family like you?
And then who cheated on who? And how much money
was invested? Are you going to lose some money in this?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
And are you now dating someone else out.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
It's literally does all these questions that every woman wants
to know, but guys don't do that.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
That's why that's a funny video because when your guy
says they're always leaving me, you just go, oh, dude,
that's brutal. That's rough, buddy, that's rough, buddy.
Speaker 4 (29:24):
And I'm here.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
I'm here if you need anything. But you know you're
not expected to trauma dump with him. It just you know,
just be there, is what I mean. Also, just model
the behavior you want back, you know, just be the
man that you would like your friend to be. Right,
And the best time to make new friends is during
a life transition. So you're starting a new job, you're
(29:46):
moving to a new neighborhood, you're going through divorce, you're retiring.
These are prime moments to form new friendships. And that's
the time to join a group, a class, and you're
just going to feel less isolated. Listen, men don't need
to be emotional, okay, to build those strong friendships. What
(30:07):
they need is structure. You need a place to go
and a thing to do together. They need repetition. You
got to keep showing yourself some shared purpose and connection
to just permission to have connection. Like and don't get creepy.
I'm just saying, don't get creepy. But when girls make friends,
it is so so different. How do girls do it.
(30:31):
Girls basically have easy ways to just start a conversation
about anything. And the thing about women is that women
will get intimate right away, and it's totally normal. I
remember one time being at Starbucks and I was standing
there and there was a woman with a baby, and
(30:51):
so I commented about her sweet baby and she was
wearing her baby and I said, oh, are you breastfeeding?
And she goaes O, Well I was, but then my
nipples were bleeding, and I go, oh no, no, here's
what you have to do when your nipples bleed. Like,
here's a woman I knew for thirty seconds and we
were sharing the most intimate information with each other. And
that's how women are. They start with intimacy. Guys, it's
(31:14):
all about I call it parallel play, right, just like
at a playground when kids are playing and they're toddlers,
often there's a stage of development where they do parallel play.
They just kind of play beside each other. Right. But
I can't stress enough how important it is for men.
It really is important that you have these friendships. And
(31:38):
as I said, we are suffering from a crisis, a
male isolation crisis, and females who can't find mates because
the guys won't get out. You guys have to get out.
You really have to get out, and you have to
stop hating women. It's really not their fault. I just
want to say that, Hey, when we come back, I'm
going to head to my social media and I'm going
to answer some of your relationship questions. Reminder, I'm not
(32:01):
a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three
books on relationships. I wrote a dissertation on attachment theory,
and I've been talking about and writing about the science
of love for like thirty years. So if you want
to send me a DM, a direct message, send it
to my Instagram. That's what we're checking tonight. The handle
(32:21):
is at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh.
I keep your identity anonymous, Okay. I'm not going to say, Oh,
listener by the name of Dave G says that I'll
never do that. Okay, I'll keep you anonymous. Send me
your relationship question, you know, take my advice for what
it's worth, right, like a wise old auntie. That's what
(32:42):
we'll say. Let's head to social media, Kayla, get into
those dms.
Speaker 4 (32:46):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
I love how active everybody's been getting on Instagram lately,
so I've been doing this thing. I hope I'm doing
it correctly on Wednesdays. When I say correctly, I mean
the doctor the tech, right. I hate the tech part,
so that I ask people to just post their questions
and then I answer a few on Instagram and there's
always left over ones that I'll be happy to answer
(33:15):
on KFI. And then I also go into my direct
messages on Instagram. I got a couple interesting ones here today.
Remember I always keep you anonymous. I am not going
to ever out anybody, put anybody on blast. I am
just going to answer your questions and keep you safe.
And reminder I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor,
(33:36):
but I've written three books on relationships and I'm obsessed
with the science of love. Here we go, Dear doctor Wendy.
Can a serial cheater ever stop cheating? What needs to
happen for them to stop? Da da da da. Look,
any human behavior that anybody does can be stopped. I
mean it's hard. Anybody who has been addicted to nicotine.
(33:59):
For knows how hard it is to change a behavior,
But anybody can change their behavior. But it's the second
question I find interesting, what needs to happen for them
to stop? Like, is there something I can say or
do to make him stop cheating on me? That's really
what that question is. Right, I'm gonna address it by saying,
it is not your job to change anyone else. Your
(34:24):
job is to change your reaction to them. And if
your reaction so far has been to put up with cheating,
then it's going to continue. If your reaction is to
leave them, never take their calls again, then they'll be like, ooh,
I could lose a good woman. And maybe then they'll change,
but not for you, and they might not be back.
(34:46):
They probably you want a cheater. You do not want
a cheater. He can cheat, but there's nothing you can
say or do to get him back, just saying, all right,
dear doctor Wendy, what are some signs that a guy
is a green flag? I cannot say it enough. This
word consistency, consistency, consistency. He calls when he says he's
(35:07):
going to call, He calls and texts frequently. He does
what he says he's going to do. They love to
lead on with, oh yeah, let me call this business
person and connect you, or let me come over and
fix that, let me do the bragging. They got to
do it right, And also that they have an interest
in you. In the early stages of dating, he should
(35:28):
be inquiring about you, your goals, your values, your life,
your feelings. Right, So, if you're doing all the giving
and is not reciprocal, that's a red flag. If it's
fairly even and he's being consistent, that is a big
green flag. All right, This one's really interesting. That's not
quite PG. So kids are listening, Move them away. Dear
(35:50):
doctor Wendy. Every time I've ever had a girlfriend, I
get disgusted by her naked body. Once we've been intimate.
It usually takes four or five acts of intimacy.
Speaker 10 (35:59):
Help.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
All right. I think there's something deep going on here,
and you and your licensed therapist are going to figure
this out. But I think there was some learned behavior
somewhere in your past, something happened after four or five
times with somebody, and something happened, and now it's being
(36:21):
triggered again for some reason. That would be my instinct.
But Only you and your licensed therapist can figure this
out because it's frustrating, right, I mean, obviously you want
to have a consistent, secure attachment. I hear it. So
this is something for you and your therapist. It's a
good one though.
Speaker 7 (36:40):
I like it.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, How do I communicate my needs
clearly without feeling guilty or afraid of conflict? When I
was a kid, my mom always made me feel bad
for expressing myself and it's something I struggle with. I
end up in crappy relationships because of it. I'm so sorry.
(37:03):
All Right, you're gonna have to inoculate yourself. You, Okay,
here's a thing you can do, is that if you're
able to communicate your needs clearly, first of all, no
reason to feel guilty about that, you might give your
partner a much needed gift of pain, right honesty. Just
because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean it's catastrophic. It doesn't mean
(37:28):
they're going to break up with you or yell at
you or hit you. And if they do any of
those things, well you're glad to be done with them. Right,
You're out of there. But I mean, it's a test,
test them with your feelings, with your honesty, right, and again,
go see a therapist and practice practice things you might say,
and then that can be your like your wingman or
(37:49):
wing woman. And then go back to therapy the next
week and go, I tried it. I said this, this, this,
and they didn't fall apart. Right, because you're imagining things
that you don't even know are gonna happen or not,
the things that you are afraid of, just imagining them,
all right. Dear doctor Wendy, what are the signs that
a relationship is healthy versus unhealthy? And how can I
(38:11):
honestly evaluate or mind faults? I feel great, but my
friends and family don't like him. They've never really given
me a valid reason though, just that I can do better. Huh,
that is pretty vague. You need to go interview the
critics to see if they have any real evidence. Remember,
(38:33):
it may be valuable for them for you to stay single,
especially your girlfriends. Just saying if you feel good in
your relationship, that should be all that matters. Okay. I'm
going to continue answering your questions when we come back.
Send me a DM on at doctor Wendy Walsh at
Dr Wendy Walsh. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
(38:56):
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm, I AM on Sunday,
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I am six forty the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Producer Kayla, I normally have
a full stomach, as you know, when we do this show.
My sweet husband Julio goes over to Whole Foods and
gets us some little sushi before we do the show.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
He sure does. He's amazing, Like he's not.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Here though, But thank goodness because I'd be staring at
the sushi and unable to aid it. I have to
have one of those endisc copies tomorrow and I can't
eat for twenty four hours.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
So you have any in all day?
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Well, I have breakfast, but that's it. I can't eat
till one o'clock tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I will say your energy is very good. You don't
get angry. Huh, you're not hungry?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
No, but I hold my energies up. I did have
like a black coffee. How is black coffee a clear liquid?
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Somebody needs it? Who makes these rules?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I need to doctor who sent me all the stuff
said clear liquids, including black coffee, no cream? Okay, I
know it's a weird one, but I do want to
say this about little fasting. You know, I'm a professor
of health psychology. I you know, if you every once
in a while, it actually makes your brain cells bloom,
you get more, it increases your smartness. Basically, clearly it's
(01:08):
not working for me right now. But yeah, So they
did this study, it was at the University of British
Columbia to figure out what was the most like, what
was the perfect time to fast and for how long?
And they figured out once every eight days, for about
twenty four hours if you fast. Here's why, back in
our anthropological past, when you got hungry, you didn't get
(01:30):
sleepy and angry and just to curl up in a
ball and go to sleep, you would have died. Those people,
their genes did not stay in evolution's chain. They died.
The ones who got activated and said I'm gonna find
a way, I'm gonna get me some meat, some vegetables,
I'm gonna walk further, harder, and they just got smarter.
So fasting is good for you. That's what I'm telling
myself right now. Hey, if you're new to my show,
(01:50):
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor,
I'm a little nervous about my course that's coming up
next semester because I'm teaching a sync grimness lead. Do
you know what that big word means, Kayla. I didn't either.
I had to look it all up. It basically means
that you teach online but not at a set time,
so you pre record all your lecture videos or whatever,
(02:11):
and you have stuff that they're supposed to read or whatever.
But there's a lot in order to make sure that
you're not grading the robots work, you have to like
do lots of class discussions where they're posting stuff back
and forth and they have to use examples from their
life based on the content. All fine, if you have
thirty students, fine, if you have sixty students. You know
how many I have next semester, one hundred and ten
(02:35):
from twenty eight different counties. I know it's gonna be fun.
I set up a discord community for them. Do you
know what that is? Like?
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Where they going to talk outside of you, just with
each other.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
I don't know all kinds of ways they can talk.
It's like a gamer's thing. It's like a social media
for gamers.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
But Julio told me that I would be very cool
with the students if I set it up.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
So are you cool? Oh you're gonna find out next
semester if you're cool with them after you set this up,
if they like well.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Apparently Discord is like the coolest of the cours a
fancy piano. I don't know anyway that's gonna do. Hey,
are you going home for the holiday? Are you going home?
I am?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Are you excited?
Speaker 2 (03:08):
I can't wait? You See.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
The thing about Kayla that I want everyone to know,
just as an example of good living, is that she
has a very big family and they are very close,
very close, and they go on these big old family
vacations where they take a picture where they all wear white,
that big, huge, like it's a diddy white party.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
Is that what it is?
Speaker 2 (03:33):
He's starting off so right.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
They go on cruise ships. They go to islands, tropical islands,
and there's like two hundred of them. It's very nice,
I know. And so she just saw them on some
damn tropical location. And now she's going to New Jersey
to see him again. Love that.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
I can't see him enough?
Speaker 1 (03:51):
All right, Well, some people, and I'm also going I'm
taking my girls to Ottawa to my brother's house where
we have Canada. Yes, very nice, it's in Canaday. Oh.
If they hear my American accent, I'm going to be
in deep trouble because you know, there's some animosity right
now between Canada and America.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
I think you still got a little bit of the accent.
It's not as strong as your brother.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
But as soon as I cross the border, it's like
we're going to oat and a boat the hostie, it's
gonna change. So if you're somebody who doesn't like to
go home for the holidays, even if home is just
across the valley or whatever, I want to make a
plea with you to go home anyway. You know, normally
(04:32):
when I do my Christmas segment, I talk about, you know,
if you've had childhood trauma, here's how you should set boundaries,
here's how you should be careful, and you don't have
to go, and you can stay in a hotel la la.
This year, I did a deep dive on the research
and I found some research that supports why you should
(04:54):
go even if you don't want to go. So let's
go through some of the reasons. First of all, just
being around people, Okay, we've been through a pandemic. We
talk about isolationism. That's happening with so many people. Social
connection improves your mental health, even when your family dynamics
are less than perfect. Research still consistently shows that staying
(05:17):
connected to your family or close social networks is linked
to much better mental health and lower rates of depression. So,
for instance, maybe you don't like the way your siblings
chew their food or whatever something or what they eat,
I don't know, but the overall feeling of being known
and included boosts your emotional wellbeing. Okay, when you get together,
(05:39):
you're going to do something together, right, You're either going
to cook together, play games together, watch a movie together.
Shared experiences deepen emotional bonds. And this research is from
social psychology who say that like holiday meals or any
other transition traditions you haven't eaten, it amplifies positive emotions.
(06:01):
So you might not love every single conversation that's going
to take place at your holiday dinner table, but just
laughing together every once in a while, maybe to a
familiar family story, that is the emotional glue that reduces
any irritation you might have. And rituals I've talked about
rituals a lot in the past. Human beings tribes create
(06:24):
rituals to help reinstate who they are as a team,
as a group. So regular family rituals, whether it's holiday
gatherings or other things, are definitely associated with reduced stress
and improved psychological functioning. You know why, because they create predictability.
We know it's common, it's a holiday here, it is,
and they create meaning. So even something like baking whatever,
(06:47):
your grandmother's stuffing whatever, can feel grounding, especially when life
is pretty hectic. Right now, all right, rituals. Look, let's
talk about that isolation, the loneliness that so many Americans
are experiencing. Research shows that loneliness is one of the
(07:08):
strongest predictors of holiday depression. It's also worse on your
health physical health than smoking an obesity combined. This is true,
all right. You might feel awkward with your family of origin,
you might feel a little irritated, but that is less
(07:30):
emotionally costly than spending the holidays alone. Okay, really important. Also, hey,
break up your routine. If you think, oh, I'm not
going to go home on a holiday and I'm just
gonna I'm going to catch up on work on my computer.
I'm going to get so much done without all the
emails and calls coming. Look, travel and time away from
(07:52):
those daily stuff you have to do is linked to
lower stress, reduced anxiety, and improved mood, even when the
trip itself isn't relaxing. I don't know if you've ever
gone on a vacation that's like a high energy, intense vacation.
You don't have to be lying on a beach sipping
a pina colada to get relaxed. Even doing something different,
(08:13):
just changing your routine and doing something different can create
a sense of relaxation because you're just stepping out of
your normal routine and that can it'll recite your nervous system,
even if there is the occasional family tension. Now, I
do want to say this, I'm not talking to you
if you came from a family that was filled with
so much horror and so much emotional trauma. You know,
(08:35):
we throw the word trauma around like everybody's got it.
Everybody doesn't have it, Okay, No, it's a life trauma
is a life changing event that is so awful to
think of that it causes dysfunction in your life. You know,
most of us have every day, round of the mill
(08:58):
stress for it. Right, So, in relatively healthy families, stress
is usually pretty temporary, and it's pretty predictable, and research
shows that that is far less damaging than you know,
having chronic or emotionally unsafe stress.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
So, let's say you're going to the holiday dinner table
and you're about ready to engage in a political conversation
with some family member that you know is going to
be awful. You know, that's discomfort, that's not trauma, that's
not stress, all right, and in fact, have an open mind,
let them talk. Get to know everybody. It's important, you know,
(09:39):
I really believe the algorithms, technology and the media have
separated us, and I really believe everybody I know is
somewhere around the center. I know a few far left,
I know a few far right, and they're the same
kind of person, by the way, fear based thinking, fear
based thinking. But the rest of us are somewhere in
(10:00):
the middle. Remember that if you do have stress in
your life, just having that social support around you can
help relieve that.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
So you have this awkward moment at the dinner table,
shake it off. You're surrounded by people who love you, laughter,
write shared history. In the end, mild discomfort can actually
strengthen your ability to have emotional resilience. We all got
to stop being snowflakes. We can have these conversations and
(10:30):
still love somebody. You know, it's possible to have two
feelings at once. One feeling is you're disgusting and I
deeply love you. That's pretty much all marriage is just
going to say, Actually, short term stress, that's what we're
talking about here, versus long term emotional health. Right, a
few days of manageable stress is going to support your
(10:53):
long term mental health. So go home for the holidays,
bring a dish, some covered plate of something yummy. You know.
My daughter said to me the other day. She goes, Mom,
well you make stuffing for me. And I'm like, only
stuffing I ever knew was stuffed in a turkey for
like twelve hours or whatever. And I was like, stuffing
is supposed to be stuffing from the inside of the turkey.
(11:13):
She goes, no, I think you can make some in
a pot nowadays, So I'm gonna get her boxes stuffing.
She said, I, Well, why do you want it? Should?
I just like to eat it. I'm like, okay, I'll
do that for you. Hey, when we come back. You know,
there's a big difference between the way men and women
forge friendships and maintain friendships, very different, and we need
(11:34):
to understand each other because of that. Let's talk about
it when we come back.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
When social psychologists think about how men and women kind
of socially organize themselves, I like to use when I
teach my students the metaphor of a ladder versus a circle.
So men, if you think, you know, think are anthropologically
(12:09):
they organized these hunts. They needed a team leader, they
needed a quarterback, right, they needed a coach. They organize
themselves on a ladder. So when men hang out together,
you're gonna hear them kind of like verbally kick each
other to figure out what wrung on the ladder they're on,
and that's actually connection and love for them. Women, on
the other hand, form a circle because women needed each
(12:31):
other for shared childcare and in the tribe raising kids together.
So you will hear women, no matter what those genes
look like on her go, oh my god, you have
new genes. They look so cute, right. We compliment each
other to gain friendship. Men insult each other to gain friendship.
It's bizarre how it works. I remember one time I
(12:55):
met this woman. She happened to be gay, and I
don't know if she was acculturated like a guy or whatever,
but she was doing guy style putting down other women
like ah, nah, you couldn't get over that came man,
you know whatever.
Speaker 5 (13:09):
And I was just like, whoa, that just feels really weird.
Maybe she had brothers, Yeah, I don't know. Maybe she
just sees guys doing it and she does it and
does none work.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Doesn't work with women. Women like the compliments. So there
are big differences besides that between men's and women's friendships.
First of all, men's friends listen up. If you are
a guy out there and you're experiencing the male loneliness crisis,
you're gonna want to stay close to this segment and
the next one. Male friendships tend to be activity based
(13:44):
and not emotion based. So to say to a guy,
call him up, see if he wants to go have
a beer with you, two heterosexual men are going to go,
oh no, that's that's weird, although I have to tell
you the sweetest, most wonderful story. Maybe a guys get older,
it gets a little different. My husband met a man
(14:04):
in the last few months who they've become friends with,
and they hike and they work on cars together and
they do stuff whatever. But when he's away he does
have a beautiful beach house. He sends my husband pictures
of sunsets. It's so sweet. I mean, he's married, we're
both mayor. It's just cute. It's just like thinking to you.
He doesn't say thinking to you. He's no comment, right,
(14:25):
just send the sunset. And of course Julio's like, here,
look at the wonderful sunset. I'm like, that's so nice. Right.
But in general, men tend to have a golf friend,
a workout buddy, a guy from the car club, whatever.
Here's some interesting research. I found men spend way less
(14:45):
time maintaining friendships than women do. So today, for instance,
I had some time to kill not to kill. I
had some free time, and I hadn't I was unscheduled
to do many things, so I started calling up girlfriends
just to check and reconnect, and one of them, I said,
I haven't talked to you in so long. I just
want to reach out and wish you happy holidays and whatever.
(15:06):
And la la la, la, la la la. We chatted,
Chatta chatta chatted, and next thing you know, you know,
an hour in the car was used up quickly on
the freeways. And that was one girlfriend. Then I had
two more to call. This is what we do. Men
are far less likely to call, text, or check in
when with friends, even when they consider these friendships important.
(15:26):
So here's an interesting study. They asked a group of
men who they felt their closest friend was their most
intimate friend, and then they reached out to those intimate
friends to find out if they had the same belief
about this person. And guess what they found out. Some
of the friends were dead. The guys didn't even know
(15:49):
that they're closing Viventa. They weren't maintaining their friendships right. Also,
men are very cautious about emotional intimacy with other men.
This is homopha folks. Okay, they don't want to be
too close, right, They keep their conversations kind of surfacy, right.
(16:10):
But what they are really good at because they can't
use emotional words like dude, I love you man. They
can't say that. Instead, they give and receive like real
instrumental support. They do things for each other, right, They're like, hey,
I'll go pick that up, man, Yeah, I go through whatever.
(16:31):
Interestingly enough, men's friendships are far more resilient to conflict
than women's are. Did you know, Kayla, when we have
a fight, a cat fight with a girlfriend, we just
end that friendship. We just don't. Yeah, Guys just are like, no,
he's cool, I'll talk to him later.
Speaker 6 (16:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
They don't take it a serious to break. They don't
take it as seriously at all. They argue, They might
stop talking for a period and then they reconnect like
nothing happened. And I'm always like, you don't remember.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Yeah, I don't get it.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
I don't get it either. Also, guys joke a lot
in their friendships, and that is their replacement for emotional closeness.
And as I said, the kind of joking is always deprecating.
They're always kind of putting each other down. But I'm
telling you it's worth it because close friendships help men
cope with stress and emotional challenge. Emotional social connection is
(17:23):
vital for mental and physical health. When we come back,
let's talk more about men's friendships. And Hey, if you're
a guy, I'm going to give you a little bit
of vice, just a little bit of advice of how
you can form a male friend. You can do it.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 7 (17:44):
The US Coast Guard is pursuing a third sanctioned vessel
off the coast of Venezuela. That's according to several reports.
If successful, it would be the second such operation this weekend.
The Pentagon confirms military forces intercepted a tanker carrying sanctioned
oil in the care Arabbeian Saturday. The Democratic Leader in
the House, Hakim Jeffries, is accusing Republican lawmakers of not
(18:06):
being serious about healthcare as Affordable Care Act subsidies get
set to expire at the end of the month. Jeffrey's
making the comment on ABC's This Week after House Republicans
narrowly passed a bill that does not extend the expiring subsidies.
I'm Scott Carr.
Speaker 8 (18:24):
In Griffith Park on the one thirty four eastbound at Riverside. Unfortunately,
a Christmas tree has found its way into the roadway
is blocking the center lane. In mid City on the
ten eastbound on ramp from Los Sienega, a brush fire
has been reported near the on ramp.
Speaker 9 (18:41):
Fire crews are on the scene. And in Ontario, on
the fifteen southbound connector to the eastbound ten, a crash
has the two right lanes of the connector block traffic.
Stop and Go from Foothill with Southern California's most accurate
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Speaker 1 (18:55):
I'm Trey Alexander.
Speaker 10 (18:57):
All Right, the year's almost over, and if you think
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(19:57):
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Speaker 3 (20:00):
The NFL and its players and teams are committed to
advancing social justice through work that reduces barriers to opportunity
and creates progress in police community relations, criminal justice reform, education,
and economic advancement. The NFL Family works to highlight efforts
across the league to inspire change in our communities and
(20:22):
make progress on these issues. To learn more, visit NFL
dot com backslash Inspire change.
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When it comes to affordable term life insurance, everyone's whistling
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(21:53):
That's bwaterwise dot com.
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Camfix Fine, But I'll go back to the information the
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Speaker 1 (22:13):
CAMPI is the most honest.
Speaker 9 (22:15):
The other stations they do a lot of political correct nonsense.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Is rock is everyday consistency, current news. I love CAMFI
because they tell it like it is everyone. Oh, you
like listening to boring stuff? No, listen to KFI six forty.
I love KFI.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
I love listening to that camp IM six forty more
stimulating to how many of us have them friends? Ones?
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Wee friends? How many of us have them friends?
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Hayley, you picked the best music for this show.
Speaker 7 (22:55):
Thank you?
Speaker 1 (22:55):
You actually read my little list of topics. Oh.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
I love this show. It's my favorite.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
So sweet we are Hi, welcome back, Welcome back to
the DODR Wendy Ball Show. I forget that you're even here.
I'm busy just chatting with Kayla like nobody else is
in the room, and then I realize you're here. All
my listeners are here. Hi. All right. I hope you
drag your guy to the radio or put a headset
on him so that he can hear how he can
(23:21):
make better friends. I want to remind you that lack
of social support is linked to serious mental health risks,
especially for men. We are not only in a mating
crisis in America where we are not replacing the population.
People aren't getting together, they're not pro creating. And we're
(23:43):
not going to blame individuals on this. We can blame
the whole landscape of what's going on, from technology commodifying
love to the economy and young people unable to even
think about supporting a family, et cetera. But the amount
of men, especially young men, who have retreated into their
(24:03):
mother's basement, trying to forge fortunes, trading crypto, playing computer games,
using pornography. This has got to stop because there's some
fabulous women out there. You just got to get out
of the basement. You also have to make real life friends.
Know I have friends. They're in a gaming room. No,
(24:24):
they're on a microphone and a headset and you're looking
at their avatar. No, I need you in the real world,
all right. So male friendships buffer I mentioned psychologically, also
biologically social interactions gentlemen increase hormones like oxytocin, the cuddle hormone. No,
(24:45):
you're not suppos a cuddle, you're dode friend. I'm just
saying it's we call it that because it's the feel
good bonding hormone that creates resilience to stress, and it
contributes to healthier aging and overall well being. And guess what.
Research shows that men who maintain friendships have healthier lifestyles
and outcomes. Studies that tract men over time find that you,
(25:08):
guys who sustain your friendships starting in childhood, tend to
have better physical health. That means lower blood pressure, less obesity,
et cetera. All right, so how do you do it?
That's you're asking, how do we do it? I mentioned
that male friendships tend to take place around in activity,
So start with a shared activity and don't force the
(25:30):
intimacy because that's creepy to guys.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
It's not to me.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
You can say nice, sweet emotional things to me, but
to other guys they might be like ooop. You don't
sit around and talk about your feelings. You join a
pickup game of something, you join a hiking group, you
volunteer for a project, You have a hobby or club.
So you know, my husband lives classic Porsches, and so
(25:55):
he goes to the Porsche club and meets other equally
nerdy men who talk about I don't know, engine size
and transmissions and who changes the oil whatever. Whatever you're into, dudes,
there's another dude who's into it too. Okay, But here's
the key. You want to do it consistently. You don't
want to just go to that club once and go.
(26:15):
I don't really click with anybody that's not really for me.
You have to consistently show up. I will say that
this cars and coffee thing that Julio goes to, He'll
get out of bed early in the morning.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
I gotta go, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
And I'm like, you don't even know anybody there. I know,
but I gotta go. It's Friday, whatever, it's Sunday morning, whatever,
So show up consistently. Repeated exposure is one of the
strongest predictors of friendship formation. Familiarity just alone, just seeing
your face there regularly builds trust. That means, let's say
you're going to a class at the gym, go to
(26:47):
the same one every time, or a weekly meetup, go
at the same time all right. Now, when you do
issue the invitation, guys do low pressure invitations. Men are
more likely to say yes to an invitation from another
dude if it feels super casual and super like short
(27:07):
time that they have to invest So you might say
something like, hey, I'm grabbing a beer after the workout,
do you want to join? Or instead of saying, hey,
we should hang out sometime. No no no, no, no
no no, don't say that, be very specific. Uh whatever
you can do that. You know, Julio goes to pilates.
It's all women, and sometimes the end of class, the
(27:29):
women will say, you know, we're going for coffee. You
want to join us. He's like, no, I don't want to. Well,
he's just he's a one woman man.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Would you want him to go to coffee with women
after plates?
Speaker 1 (27:40):
If it was just like you know, he's certainly could,
but I would definitely show up there.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
You better Yeah, yeah those ones are probably hot.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Yeah, I gotta go there and protect those made poachries. Yeah,
you do perfect him from those mate poachers. Okay, what
else was I going to say?
Speaker 7 (27:53):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Let vulnerability happen sideways. Let me explain. So I mentioned
that emotional connection often grows through shared experiences and humor,
not direct disclosure. So you're out on a hike, or
you're fixing something together, you're watching a game, Just talk
about that thing that you're doing. Don't worry about that
(28:15):
other stuff will come, and you know what, when somebody
does has a crisis and it's time for emotional disclosure.
Like a dude finally says you, I think my wife
is leaving me. Right then you got to say, oh, buddy,
that sucks. Well, I'm here if you need anything. That's
all you need to say. You don't have to go well,
what does she say? Why do you think she's leaving you?
(28:35):
One of my favorite TikTok videos actually was hysterical. It
was the title of it was what my wife wants
to know about a breakup. So a dude says to
another dude, Hey, so my girlfriend and I broke up,
and he pulls out a little card and he goes, okay,
so I want to know how long were you dating?
(28:56):
And how long when did you start to first have sex?
When you started dating? Okay? And did her family like you?
And then who cheated on who? And how much money
was invested? Are you going to lose some money in this?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
And are you now dating someone else out.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
It's literally does all these questions that every woman wants
to know, but guys don't do that.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
That's why that's a funny video because when your guy
says they're always leaving me, you just go, oh, dude,
that's brutal. That's rough, buddy, that's rough, buddy.
Speaker 4 (29:24):
And I'm here.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
I'm here if you need anything. But you know you're
not expected to trauma dump with him. It just you know,
just be there, is what I mean. Also, just model
the behavior you want back, you know, just be the
man that you would like your friend to be. Right,
And the best time to make new friends is during
a life transition. So you're starting a new job, you're
(29:46):
moving to a new neighborhood, you're going through divorce, you're retiring.
These are prime moments to form new friendships. And that's
the time to join a group, a class, and you're
just going to feel less isolated. Listen, men don't need
to be emotional, okay, to build those strong friendships. What
(30:07):
they need is structure. You need a place to go
and a thing to do together. They need repetition. You
got to keep showing yourself some shared purpose and connection
to just permission to have connection. Like and don't get creepy.
I'm just saying, don't get creepy. But when girls make friends,
it is so so different. How do girls do it.
(30:31):
Girls basically have easy ways to just start a conversation
about anything. And the thing about women is that women
will get intimate right away, and it's totally normal. I
remember one time being at Starbucks and I was standing
there and there was a woman with a baby, and
(30:51):
so I commented about her sweet baby and she was
wearing her baby and I said, oh, are you breastfeeding?
And she goaes O, Well I was, but then my
nipples were bleeding, and I go, oh no, no, here's
what you have to do when your nipples bleed. Like,
here's a woman I knew for thirty seconds and we
were sharing the most intimate information with each other. And
that's how women are. They start with intimacy. Guys, it's
(31:14):
all about I call it parallel play, right, just like
at a playground when kids are playing and they're toddlers,
often there's a stage of development where they do parallel play.
They just kind of play beside each other. Right. But
I can't stress enough how important it is for men.
It really is important that you have these friendships. And
(31:38):
as I said, we are suffering from a crisis, a
male isolation crisis, and females who can't find mates because
the guys won't get out. You guys have to get out.
You really have to get out, and you have to
stop hating women. It's really not their fault. I just
want to say that, Hey, when we come back, I'm
going to head to my social media and I'm going
to answer some of your relationship questions. Reminder, I'm not
(32:01):
a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three
books on relationships. I wrote a dissertation on attachment theory,
and I've been talking about and writing about the science
of love for like thirty years. So if you want
to send me a DM, a direct message, send it
to my Instagram. That's what we're checking tonight. The handle
(32:21):
is at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh.
I keep your identity anonymous, Okay. I'm not going to say, Oh,
listener by the name of Dave G says that I'll
never do that. Okay, I'll keep you anonymous. Send me
your relationship question, you know, take my advice for what
it's worth, right, like a wise old auntie. That's what
(32:42):
we'll say. Let's head to social media, Kayla, get into
those dms.
Speaker 4 (32:46):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
I love how active everybody's been getting on Instagram lately,
so I've been doing this thing. I hope I'm doing
it correctly on Wednesdays. When I say correctly, I mean
the doctor the tech, right. I hate the tech part,
so that I ask people to just post their questions
and then I answer a few on Instagram and there's
always left over ones that I'll be happy to answer
(33:15):
on KFI. And then I also go into my direct
messages on Instagram. I got a couple interesting ones here today.
Remember I always keep you anonymous. I am not going
to ever out anybody, put anybody on blast. I am
just going to answer your questions and keep you safe.
And reminder I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor,
(33:36):
but I've written three books on relationships and I'm obsessed
with the science of love. Here we go, Dear doctor Wendy.
Can a serial cheater ever stop cheating? What needs to
happen for them to stop? Da da da da. Look,
any human behavior that anybody does can be stopped. I
mean it's hard. Anybody who has been addicted to nicotine.
(33:59):
For knows how hard it is to change a behavior,
But anybody can change their behavior. But it's the second
question I find interesting, what needs to happen for them
to stop? Like, is there something I can say or
do to make him stop cheating on me? That's really
what that question is. Right, I'm gonna address it by saying,
it is not your job to change anyone else. Your
(34:24):
job is to change your reaction to them. And if
your reaction so far has been to put up with cheating,
then it's going to continue. If your reaction is to
leave them, never take their calls again, then they'll be like, ooh,
I could lose a good woman. And maybe then they'll change,
but not for you, and they might not be back.
(34:46):
They probably you want a cheater. You do not want
a cheater. He can cheat, but there's nothing you can
say or do to get him back, just saying, all right,
dear doctor Wendy, what are some signs that a guy
is a green flag? I cannot say it enough. This
word consistency, consistency, consistency. He calls when he says he's
(35:07):
going to call, He calls and texts frequently. He does
what he says he's going to do. They love to
lead on with, oh yeah, let me call this business
person and connect you, or let me come over and
fix that, let me do the bragging. They got to
do it right, And also that they have an interest
in you. In the early stages of dating, he should
(35:28):
be inquiring about you, your goals, your values, your life,
your feelings. Right, So, if you're doing all the giving
and is not reciprocal, that's a red flag. If it's
fairly even and he's being consistent, that is a big
green flag. All right, This one's really interesting. That's not
quite PG. So kids are listening, Move them away. Dear
(35:50):
doctor Wendy. Every time I've ever had a girlfriend, I
get disgusted by her naked body. Once we've been intimate.
It usually takes four or five acts of intimacy.
Speaker 10 (35:59):
Help.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
All right. I think there's something deep going on here,
and you and your licensed therapist are going to figure
this out. But I think there was some learned behavior
somewhere in your past, something happened after four or five
times with somebody, and something happened, and now it's being
(36:21):
triggered again for some reason. That would be my instinct.
But Only you and your licensed therapist can figure this
out because it's frustrating, right, I mean, obviously you want
to have a consistent, secure attachment. I hear it. So
this is something for you and your therapist. It's a
good one though.
Speaker 7 (36:40):
I like it.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, How do I communicate my needs
clearly without feeling guilty or afraid of conflict? When I
was a kid, my mom always made me feel bad
for expressing myself and it's something I struggle with. I
end up in crappy relationships because of it. I'm so sorry.
(37:03):
All Right, you're gonna have to inoculate yourself. You, Okay,
here's a thing you can do, is that if you're
able to communicate your needs clearly, first of all, no
reason to feel guilty about that, you might give your
partner a much needed gift of pain, right honesty. Just
because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean it's catastrophic. It doesn't mean
(37:28):
they're going to break up with you or yell at
you or hit you. And if they do any of
those things, well you're glad to be done with them. Right,
You're out of there. But I mean, it's a test,
test them with your feelings, with your honesty, right, and again,
go see a therapist and practice practice things you might say,
and then that can be your like your wingman or
(37:49):
wing woman. And then go back to therapy the next
week and go, I tried it. I said this, this, this,
and they didn't fall apart. Right, because you're imagining things
that you don't even know are gonna happen or not,
the things that you are afraid of, just imagining them,
all right. Dear doctor Wendy, what are the signs that
a relationship is healthy versus unhealthy? And how can I
(38:11):
honestly evaluate or mind faults? I feel great, but my
friends and family don't like him. They've never really given
me a valid reason though, just that I can do better. Huh,
that is pretty vague. You need to go interview the
critics to see if they have any real evidence. Remember,
(38:33):
it may be valuable for them for you to stay single,
especially your girlfriends. Just saying if you feel good in
your relationship, that should be all that matters. Okay. I'm
going to continue answering your questions when we come back.
Send me a DM on at doctor Wendy Walsh at
Dr Wendy Walsh. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
(38:56):
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm, I AM on Sunday,
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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