Men and Their Sexual Appetite

Men and Their Sexual Appetite
Divorce and The Church

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're listening to KFI A six forty on demand. Leanne,
Welcome to Jesus Christ Show.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hi Jesus Hello, Hello.

Speaker 3 (00:11):
How are you doing?

Speaker 1 (00:12):
I am well and you.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
I'm doing great. Thank you for asking you. I was
raised strict Catholic. My parents, we went to church. My
mother was the organist in the church. And you have
helped me through so much. And my belief in the
Lord has helped me through so much in my life,
and still have that with me. I was also raised
with believing in an institution of marriage, and I take

(00:37):
that very seriously, you know. And I didn't get married
until I was about thirty one, so I certainly didn't
get married too young. We had our first child, had
he gotten an accident, so he was never the same.
Our marriage was never the same after that. We got
married in the Catholic church. We had the kids, were
in Catechism, we were very much a part of the church.

(00:58):
But after that, he started he started changing after that,
and the long and the short of it is we
were married for ten years and he ended up throwing
us out and divorcing me. Now I don't believe in divorce,
I really don't, and I never was accepted the fact
that I'm a divorced woman. I never never was given
the tool set to deal with that. I was given

(01:20):
the tools to deal with making a marriage work, which
I did for ten years. So when he did divorce
me and I had the kids, I never changed my name.
I never to me I wasn't divorced. But of course
I couldn't live with him. He couldn't live with me.
He went on and remarried. Still never changed my name
because I didn't want to be labeled as a divorced woman.

(01:41):
I didn't want my kids to have a different name
than I did. And I kept thinking that church will
help me.

Speaker 3 (01:47):
Well.

Speaker 2 (01:47):
I kept going to church, but I felt like I
was living a life. I felt shame. I felt so
much shame, and I felt like I wasn't good enough
to be there anymore because they wanted the church wanted
me to have it in a moment, and I didn't
do that because you know what I did. I'm mar
I was married and I had children.

Speaker 1 (02:02):
How can you in all a ten year old marriage.

Speaker 2 (02:05):
You can't. That's just it that I couldn't. I couldn't.
I wouldn't do that, And I did not, and and
but the shame of being a divorced woman. You know
how many times people ask me, you know in my divorce.
You know, I feel the need to explain it. But
I didn't divorce him. He divorced me. I would never
have divorced him.

Speaker 1 (02:24):
That's fine, that's that, that's fine. But it's not it's
not just a word, it's a reality. It doesn't that
you are divorced.

Speaker 2 (02:34):
Yes, yes, you're right, you're right, Yes, you know what.
In my mind, in my mind, I've never been able
to go on from that.

Speaker 1 (02:42):
Well, So in one sense, in one sense, I do
respect why you do that. But in the other sense,
that's silly. I know that as you're pretending, and the
reality is you're divorced and the marriage didn't work and
he left you for whatever reason. It sounds like you
know that he had his own issues.

Speaker 2 (03:00):
And I feel like in your eyes and in the
eyes of the Lord, even though we have a good relationship,
you have helped me through so much. You've helped me
through this being a single mom. I never thought of
myself as ever doing that, And and my parents there
were no divorces on either side of the family. It
was tough, but I don't mind hard work, and we
worked through it. I have three beautiful children. The youngest

(03:22):
is about ready to leave the house. I have so
much to offer somebody, I really do, and I want
to be a part of a congregation. But I can't
do the Catholic church. I feel like a sinner in
the Catholic Church.

Speaker 1 (03:32):
And I thought, that's that's a shame. That's a shame
that they that what makes you human makes you feel
you can't go to church.

Speaker 2 (03:42):
Well, they're not making me feel that way. I feel
that way.

Speaker 1 (03:45):
It doesn't matter where it comes from.

Speaker 2 (03:46):
It's not healthy, yes, But how how I was I
was raised that way? I've been read in that How
do I? How can I overt?

Speaker 1 (03:54):
In scripture? I divorced Israel, so so you and I
are both divorcees.

Speaker 2 (04:01):
And you got up there you divorce is reel, that
is real. Didn't divorce you, Yes, But.

Speaker 1 (04:07):
My point being that if you get caught up in
the words and the technicalities of it all, you miss
the importance of the laws and what they mean and
what their what their purpose is. So imagine this. The
speed limit on the freeways is sixty five. What do

(04:30):
you suppose a speed limit is for what do you
think that those in that make the laws we're thinking
when they said, you know, we should limit the speed
to sixty five, what do you think they were thinking.

Speaker 2 (04:42):
Well, they were thinking that if you go to face
you might have more accidents.

Speaker 1 (04:46):
Yes, So to preserve life, they said, maybe it's best
that we keep the speed limit fifty five sixty five,
depending on where you are, And so they make that rule. Now,
if somebody's in the back of an ambulance and they're
dying and they need to get to a hospital quickly,
do you think the ambulance should obey that rule or

(05:08):
should they do everything they can to get that person
to the hospital.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
They should do everything they can to get that person
the hospital.

Speaker 1 (05:14):
Okay, So the law is not the important thing. The
purpose of the law is what's important. The purpose of
the law is to preserve life. So if preserving life
is the key, then anything you can do to preserve
life is more important than the law of fifty five
or sixty five. So, now, if that ambulance or a
police car or what have you, fire engine is not

(05:37):
being careful, they could actually harm life. But if they're
doing everything they can, it's really about preserving life. So
divorce is really about preserving the relationship and not taking
it lightly. It's about not going into marriage lightly and
thinking that it's disposable. It's about understanding that becoming one
is a very powerful thing and that you don't get

(05:57):
to keep doing it over and over because you you
give yourself away to somebody each time and bits of
you go with them, and that it's something precious. But
what it's not there for is to make you feel
that there's a big d on your chest and that
you walk around and should be shamed. That's not the

(06:18):
purpose of it. And so if you make it about that,
if it becomes that in your life, it's missing the
point and the purpose of the law. The purpose of
the law is to hold marriage sacred. But it's two people.
You did, your husband didn't, and there's nothing you can
do about that.

Speaker 4 (06:38):
What about the law of.

Speaker 2 (06:39):
The church and the law and how I feel? How
I feel? How can I get over how I feel
about it? It's still so much shame because you know,
I was married in that church. I was married in
that church. I had my kids that size, had their
first communion in that church, and then going back to
that church, I can't. I couldn't do it.

Speaker 1 (06:58):
Why do you think Why do you think, Leanne, that
your husband left you?

Speaker 2 (07:05):
Honestly, why do I think he left me? I? I
you know what we were not We were not happy.
Don't get me wrong. It was not a happy marriage.
We got worse and worse and worse, and we were
not happy together.

Speaker 1 (07:19):
Why weren't you happy together?

Speaker 4 (07:21):
Well?

Speaker 2 (07:22):
He was. He was an abusive man.

Speaker 1 (07:24):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (07:24):
He had had an accident out of his work. He
had gotten he had severed three quarters of his optic nerves.
He could not go back to that work again. He
had to, and so he had a hard time getting
over that, coming to bricks with that, he was going
to have to do something that he didn't make as
much money at, which was fine, we can handle that,
but what kind of abuse handle that?

Speaker 1 (07:44):
What kind of abuse?

Speaker 2 (07:47):
Verbal and physical abuse? And when it got to the
point where he threw a book and almost hit my daughter,
that was it. I took the kids and I went
to my parents' house. Well, when I did come back
after a few days, he said, don't go, and he
kicked the us out. That was it. He didn't want
to have anything to do with us anymore.

Speaker 4 (08:03):
He was.

Speaker 2 (08:04):
He was not a nice guy. He really wasn't. But
that wasn't the point.

Speaker 1 (08:09):
But no, no, no, you don't marriage marriage. The purpose
of keeping marriage together and not having divorce is to
respect that the importance of the act of getting married.
It doesn't mean to live with a jerk. It doesn't

(08:34):
mean to put yourself in harm's way or your children
in harm's way.

Speaker 2 (08:39):
Absolutely, that's why I left him. I left him to
go to my parents' house.

Speaker 1 (08:43):
But just but he had he had to divorce you.

Speaker 2 (08:48):
He did, he did. I did have the tools to
keep a marriage together.

Speaker 1 (08:52):
That's not a marriage. It wasn't a marriage. Those were
words and a ceremony. There was no marriage. There were
ceremony kids. That's it.

Speaker 2 (09:04):
But that's a lot. There was a lot for me,
you know, I was. I was not raised, But.

Speaker 1 (09:10):
You weren't raised. You weren't raised to be a punching
bag either.

Speaker 2 (09:15):
No, no, you might, but you know I was work.
I was doing the best I could, and I would
have worked it out. I was not going to be
a punching bag.

Speaker 1 (09:22):
I wasn't going to He was not capable, apparently, and
that was the frame of mind he was in. You
have you have to get over And you know what
and I and I blame the Catholic Church partly for
this too, because the Church has gotten to a point
where they are so full focused on the churchyness of

(09:44):
everything that they missed the importance of those laws and
the reasons behind them. I do not love divorce, but
you better believe that in the choice that you had
to stay with someone like that or to be separated
from him, I choose the latter every single time. Divorce

(10:12):
is one of those things. It's the Church itself in
its infancy and as it continued to grow, really focused
on a lot of those rules. And they're incredibly important.
They're absolutely in scripture. But if you get lost in
those things, not understanding their purpose, they just become shame inducing.

(10:41):
And once they become shame inducing, they become from the devil.
The devil sits there and just loves to see you
sit in your shame. And there's healthy shame that propels
you to do right, and there's unhealthy shame that comes

(11:02):
from the pit of hell and is its sole purpose
is to make you stop and to paralyze you spiritually.
And if you get to the point where you can't
go to church. Who do you think is at the base,
at the root of that emotion. Do you think God's

(11:23):
going I really want to motivate you to not go
to church, or do you think the enemy is at
the center of that. So when you are going through
your emotions and you're wrestling with the different things of God,
you will fall short. You will fall so short of

(11:47):
the glory of God. But in that process you will
grow in your relationship. If you seek God and if
you focus on the things of God and your mistakes
as being part of who you are as a human
yet understanding, there will be consequences to them. If you

(12:09):
choose a poor person, if you choose poorly in life
in a relationship, then divorce is going to most likely
be the end. So it's not about the divorce as much.
It's about choosing the right person to be in your life.
Find somebody who will be a good partner to you.

(12:31):
That's the key to choose wisely, not just in the emotion,
not getting caught up in things, but choose someone. People
take more time picking out a car than they do
picking out a life partner. So choose wisely and you'll
be better off. Because there will be consequences to any

(12:53):
choice or decision you make in life. Lisa, Welcome to
the Jesus Christ Show.

Speaker 4 (13:03):
Oh hello, I'm so glad to talk with you.

Speaker 1 (13:05):
K my pleasure.

Speaker 4 (13:07):
Really, that's awesome. I'm so excited to talk with you.
What my question is is my mom. As a little girl,
I've always remembered that she always told me that, she said,
if you try to keep secrets, it'll be shouted from
the highest rooftops. And she said that's a biblical scripture.
And I don't know if she ever it kept me
from you know, I always had to tell her the truth.

(13:30):
But I was wondering, is that is there? I haven't
been able to find a Bible verse like that, is
there's somebody specifically that says that, or are there other similar.

Speaker 1 (13:39):
Absolutely, she's paraphrasing, for sure, and there are some that
you can kind of fit that into. But I'm going
to say that she most likely is paraphrasing Luke twelve,
verse three, which reads, therefore whatever you have said in
the dark shall be heard in the light, and whatever

(13:59):
you have whispered bird in private rooms shall be proclaimed
on the housetops. Okay, so I'm gonna say that's probably.
I mean, there's other Luke eight seventeen for nothing is
hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything
secret that will not be known and come to light.
So there's many that kind of talk about that. Mark

(14:22):
four twenty two also reiterates that. But I think Luke
twelve to three is what she was paraphrasing. Okay about
it being proclaimed from the housetops.

Speaker 4 (14:35):
Okay, that makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 1 (14:37):
Thank you very much, You're very welcome. Secrets are an
interesting thing. There are secrets that you are called to
keep for someone else because they are entrusting you in
a state of vulnerability, a way of information about who
they are or things like that. Those secrets are different.
But in scripture, when it's talking about holding secrets, it's

(15:00):
when you are not wanting to be accountable to something
and that becomes a problem. And when you lie or
you don't want to tell somebody something that you did,
those types of things. That's just about self preservation, and
that's really what it's talking about in verses like Luke
twelve verse three, is that if you try and hold

(15:22):
on to them, eventually you will they'll come out. There's
just no way about it. But the reality is things
will come to light and if you're honest with who
you are, and Scripture says that's what confession is about.
It's about being accountable for it. It's not about hiding
your badness in such a way that you look better.

(15:44):
That's not real. It's being honest with yourself and those
that are closest to you. To better yourself doesn't mean
you need to tell the whole world all the time
all your mistakes and the things that you do. But
you should have people in your life that you're accountable
to so that you can strengthen yourself and in that sense,
that becomes a very important and very good thing in

(16:06):
your life. Beth, Welcome to the Jesus Christ Show.

Speaker 3 (16:15):
Hello, good morning, Hi Beth.

Speaker 1 (16:17):
How can I help you?

Speaker 4 (16:19):
Hi?

Speaker 3 (16:21):
Well in waiting to speak to you and been listening
to everything I've been talking about and it has been
really helpful. Thank you. I wanted to talk to you
this morning about my struggle with my faith and my
struggle with how I see myself.

Speaker 1 (16:42):
What's going on.

Speaker 3 (16:47):
A little over three years ago, my mom and I
and we were really close and since her passing, my
life really has become different. The biggest difference in my
life has been I got introduced to the the you know,

(17:11):
they are dating websites, and so I was. I've been dating,
if you can call it that, but I've been very
sexually active. And there's a lot of uh, shame that
I feel about myself as far as my behavior and

(17:37):
things I've done and uh. And I know that ultimately
godverages anything, but I find it hard to see myself.
I think the person I used to be, the better
person needs to be.

Speaker 1 (17:51):
Oh, it's the person you still are. You wouldn't have
You wouldn't be thinking about this. Have you really changed.
You wouldn't called, you wouldn't feel shamed, you wouldn't feel anything,
you wouldn't care. So you're still the same person. You
just got on a bad track and you need to
get off it. And when something traumatic happens, there's a

(18:15):
lot of emotions, sometimes too intense to even deal with
at the time, and people will look for all kinds
of things to soften that or to feel connection again,
or to do those things. But you didn't feel connection
with your mom quickly. It was a bond over many,
many years that you built that you respected, that you

(18:35):
honed and nurtured, And the only way you're going to
have those people, those relationships in your life again is
to do the same thing, long term, respectful, nurturing relationships
and the quick I know it's gotten pretty easy with
the Internet and being able to go on tender or

(18:57):
things like that and just meet and hook up with people,
but it's obviously not fulfilling. Otherwise we wouldn't be having
this conversation right right. And sex is wonderful. Sex is beautiful.
It's created by God, but it's supposed to be in
its proper context, and in its proper context is when
it's most beautiful and most powerful. Outside of that, it

(19:21):
can be dangerous. It's you know, you're just just giving
bits of yourself away and you know better, and it's
obviously not something that's you know, building you up or
building up your esteem or your emotional fortitude or any
of those things. Because you don't sound great, you sound sad.

Speaker 3 (19:46):
I am.

Speaker 1 (19:48):
It's not worth it, and you are worth it, and
there's much more to it, and you deserve to have
a good relationship. On the second, the fun sex and
all that stuff will be in that proper context too.
It just takes more time to do it right and

(20:10):
to build the relationship and then to give yourself to
one person rather than many people. But don't get caught
up in that, in that shame spiral and all of that.
Use the good part of that shame to motivate you
out of this situation. But don't the enemy. It's the
enemy takes everything good and tries to pervert it. So anger,

(20:34):
anger is good. It can be very powerful. Even I
was angry in Scripture and I turned over the tables
in the marketplace and in the temple because they were
making it a marketplace. And and there's a proper place
for anger yet, because it shows the emotional intent and
that righteousness. But the devil makes rage, which is a

(20:56):
perverted form of anger. So then there's which is wonderful.
It's the fire that's in someone's heart and it propels them,
makes them create and to build and connect. And the
devil takes that and makes lust, which is unbridled and
unfocused and all over the place. And the enemy does

(21:19):
that with sex, because it's one of the most precious
things that God created, this bond between two people that
not only takes place emotionally, intellectually, and physically, but actually
takes place inside the body and outside the body simultaneously,
and it's so precious and the enemy just wants to

(21:43):
pervert it and make it ugly. And I get that.
It's a really easy thing to do because it feels
nice and even for those moments, you feel separate from
the pain or what's going on in the world. But
it's more than that. It's not made for just a moment.
It's made for a lifetime of dedication, and that's when

(22:06):
it's best. And it's hard to tell people that it
really is because most people just like to feel what
it feels like when they're in that moment. And I'm
not going to tell you that you're different from them
or that you're a horrible person because you feel those things,
because you're not. I'm going to tell you though, it's

(22:29):
a bad path. You know it's a bad path. It's
not even doing what you would hope it would do,
which is to numb you a little bit and help
you get over some pain and to make you feel
wanted or connected, and all that's gone, So why not
get back on the proper track that you know you

(22:51):
should be on and look for somebody who's worthy of
those things, somebody that you can connect with again and
a relationship you canture and be a part of, rather
than you know, really what ends up being mascibatory. I'm
both for both parties, and you're just happen to be

(23:12):
doing it with someone else. But really that's what it
ends up being. And you're better than that, and you've
got more to offer than that, wouldn't you say so?

Speaker 3 (23:24):
Yes, Yes, of course I am. I feel like that's
really hard to sign though. You know, the men that
I talk to, it just goes to sex very quickly, and.

Speaker 1 (23:39):
Just because it's hard to find doesn't mean that it
doesn't exist. And quite honestly, if the gate's open, yeah,
it makes it a little easier. They do exist. Even
men that like sex are willing to wait for somebody
who is worth the wait. And it doesn't.

Speaker 4 (24:02):
It doesn't.

Speaker 1 (24:03):
It's not about waiting for the sake of waiting, It
really isn't. I know that the world looks at God
as this cosmic killjoy that goes, hey, see that thing
that's real fun, feels real nice, don't do it, And
that's not the point of it. That's not what it's about.

(24:25):
It's about, oh my gosh, my beloved, I want you
to I want you to experience this in the way
it was designed. I want you to feel it, see it,
taste it, touch it, all of the senses as a crescendo,
all at one time, in the way it was designed,
and it will blow your mind. It's not about don't

(24:46):
do it. It's not about shame and the church marm
looking at everyone saying, oh, you shouldn't be doing that,
and you're gonna you know this is gonna happen, or
all the different weird fear things that they build into it.
It's not about that. I'll tell you straight up. It's
supposed to feel good, But what doesn't it when the

(25:08):
person leaves or you leave if it doesn't feel right,
because it's not right. So hold out, hold out for
what's right. You do that all the time, do all that.
You do that with your meals. I see people turn
meals away say ah, this wasn't cooked right, or it's
too cold, or you know, it's way too salty. But

(25:30):
in a relationship, well it's hard to find a good one.
Turn it back, send it back to the kitchen until
you get the one that you want. And trust me,
if if you're not overly picky in the sense that
you're being unrealistic, but you're honest with yourself and what
you want. They exist, but they might not exist on tinder.
Maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's not the fish, it's

(25:54):
where you're fishing. Okay, the age old question because we
were up against the clock there about the men and
their sexual appetite the best way to put it, because yes,
you want them to have a sexual appetite. You want
them to find you sexually appetizing. And it's not that

(26:17):
you want to find a man who's not into sex,
because that's not going to please you down the line
either you're gonna get married and he's gonna say, oh wow,
you know what. So it's not about that. It's about
understanding the importance of putting things off for a goal
like you would save for anything. The instant gratification is

(26:39):
the issue, and they do exist. It's not about that
they don't want it. They will want it. Everyone They're
going to want it. That is normal to want to
have that sexual connection. The key is to not make
it bad, but to make the weight for this greater

(26:59):
goal marriage better, and I know that that's hard. And
I use producer Neil as an example often and he
gives me permission, and it's not to pick on him,
but I think it helps give perspective sometime. And he
has gone through times of very specific celibacy, choosing specifically

(27:23):
not to be with anybody. And he's gone through and
I won't get into detail. Relax. He starts getting stressed
out horrible debauchery if you ask me, and made horrible decisions.
But I will tell you this that during those times
of celibacy, he doesn't look back on them ever and say, wow,

(27:47):
I really made a mistake. But many, many, many times
when he was looser with his sexuality and did what
he wanted when he wanted, is when he looks back
and feels like he made mistakes. So if you can

(28:09):
find someone, ladies, if you can find a man that yes,
desires you, wants to be with you, that should be normal.
Yet you build some parameters, you build some boundaries to
have something to look forward to in marriage and to
get to know each other and to learn things about
each other. It's only going to be better knowing each

(28:33):
other and knowing how each other works, that's all. It's
not about a prude thing. You'll never hear that kind
of attitude on this show. Not only is it unrealistic,
it's unhealthy. And there's a lot of people work on
the show that have been through their own experiences and
that makes its way to the program in the best way,

(28:56):
hopefully to help you not step in those same potholes.
That's our hope. And remember, more importantly than all the
craziness in this world, these simple words, I Am with
you Always. K f I A M six forty on
demand