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February 10, 2025 15 mins
If you're a parent, you've probably worried about your child being targeted by online bullies. But what about when it's the other way around? What do you do when your child is the one bullying others online? Jenna Berger  of Kidas (a leading online safety platform for gamers), offers insightful advice on how to approach the situation. The alarming stats are 28% of elementary school kids have bullied someone, according to recent research. Jenna gives practical tips for teaching empathy and social skills in a digital age.
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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Well Show on KFI
AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I'm
a mom of girls. You know, we had tea parties,
we had brat's dolls to deal with, we had well,
we do have still the whole Instagram life and girls
looking way too provocative online. But if you're a mom

(00:24):
of boys and girls, many girls are gaming now. Gaming
is something to think about. Now. I'm a professor and
one of the assignments that I give my first year
students is to do a time management calendar, and so
for a year they keep a year. I wish I
could do that for a year. For a week, I

(00:46):
asked them to keep track of everything they do so
and then it goes in a category. Whether it's self care,
whether it's you know, something that's moving them forward, something
to do with schoolwork or work obligations, or whether it's
just wasted time. And there's a bunch of things that
go into wasted time, and gaming is one of them.
When I get back these reports and they have to

(01:08):
self analyze what they want to change in their time,
I am amazed at how many of my male students
game a lot. I mean like we're talking three to
four hours a day while they're full time students, while
they're holding down jobs. This is a very big part
of people's lives. So I wanted to bring in a

(01:30):
parenting expert in this area. I'd like to welcome from
a platform called keydss Jenna Burger. Hi, Jenna, how are you?

Speaker 2 (01:39):
I'm great? Thanks for having me.

Speaker 1 (01:41):
Can you tell me what? Did I say it right?
Keydass Kidas What does it do?

Speaker 2 (01:46):
Yeah? Absolutely so. Keyns is a software that parents would
download onto their children's computers that monitors their children's voice
and text communication in PC video games. And what it
does is it gives you a whole variety of gaming
insights because many parents are not sure what their kids
are doing online when it comes to gaming, they sound

(02:08):
like they're speaking a whole different language. And like you say,
people spend a lot of time gaming, and so we
provide weekly reports and immediate alerts that provide insights on
their child's gaming behavior from how much time they spent
gaming that week and breaks it down on a daily
basis as well as what games they played and how much.
And more importantly, it alerts parents to any dangers their

(02:28):
children come in contact with while communicating with others online
while they're gaming. So that could include contact with a predator,
cyber bullying, privacy violations, and there are so many others
that parents are concerned about, and so that is what
our software does.

Speaker 1 (02:42):
Okay, so let's talk a little bit Jenna about really
what we're trying to prevent. There are some alarming statistics.
Twenty eight percent of elementary school kids have bullied someone,
according to recent research. You're a mom of four, and
there must be right into the online world age ten, eleven, twelve, fifteen.

(03:05):
I don't know how. First of all, when my kids
were that age, there's no way I could figure out
how to monitor everything they were doing in all the
social media site. I couldn't watch everything they were doing, right, So,
one of the things I find that's interesting is that
you address not only parents fears about having their child

(03:27):
become a victim of some kind of online bullying, but
you also have information for parents whose kids might behaving
in a less than desirable way online and might be
considered bullies themselves. Let's talk specifically, if first of all,
let's get to the root of it. Why do kids
bully and what constitutes bullying? How would you describe it?

Speaker 2 (03:52):
So in the online space, it's not much different than
the bullying that you would expect to see in a playground.
But what makes it's so different is that online they
can become much more anonymous. They don't have to look
someone in the face when they're bullying someone they know
or someone they don't know, which unfortunately makes it a
lot easier. And so, you know, bullying looks like mean comments,

(04:17):
it looks like comments that involve hate speech related to
religion or gender or sexual identity. And then in gaming,
it also relates to just you know, the way kids
are playing online, and you'll see cyber bullying of older
kids or adults who are playing with kids in the
same gaming space, bullying younger kids or younger gamers to

(04:41):
get out of the out of the room. They want
the game to be more competitive. And it's really any
form of an act that is intention is to make
the other person feel badly, to make them feel small,
and to you know, negatively affect their mood and how
they feel while they're gaming or while they're online or

(05:02):
wherever it is that they're being.

Speaker 1 (05:03):
Bullied, and to provide a little bit of psychological context.
I teach developmental psychology, and in this age group, you've
got a couple things going on. One is, their prefrontal
cortex is far from being developed, so they have poor
impulse control. They may, at a moment of aggression or
excitement while they're doing the game, say something that could

(05:24):
be particularly hurtful. But on the other side, this is
the age when adolescents have an imagined audience. They believe
they are being judged at all times, and so these
little comments can hurt very deeply and become permanently etched
in their memory and contribute to you later anxiety and depression, etc.

(05:51):
I mentioned that you're a mom of four. What made
you get concerned about this? Did you have something happen
with your kids?

Speaker 2 (06:01):
Unfortunately I did, And you know, our oldest is fifteen,
and you know, back in COVID times, he was spending
just like many many many other kids, a very large
amount of time online. Yes, at school, but also you
know it turned into gaming during school hours and really

(06:22):
the only form of entertainment or enjoyment or social connection
that he was able to have with other kids during
that time. And where we were able to control it
a little bit better. You know, with our kids who
were younger with him. It became sort of the be
all end all for him, and we started to notice,
you know, changes in his mood, changes in his behavior,

(06:44):
his responses to us. You know, we're very quick and
very negative. Yes, you know, as you would expect is
we're all trapped in the house and as he's aging,
but we could also tell that there was something going on.
And you know, many parents are very concerned about what
might happen with strangers and the whole idea of stranger
day online, but there is also a very big concern
about cyber bullying and you know, extortion and other things

(07:07):
that happened online with people that our children do know.
And in our case, that is what happened. He was
being cyber bullied online by kids that he was going
to school with, and then he had yeah, I turned
into threats exactly when we see you at school or
when we're in the locker room getting ready for Jim.

(07:28):
You know, this is what we're going to do to you,
and this is what's going to happen, and you know,
it became a big problem. So while we were seeing
changes in his mood and in his behavior, and we
were starting to get the feeling that something was going on.
He also then got to a point where he found
himself in a really difficult situation and also came to
talk to us. You know, I need help, this is

(07:49):
what's happening. And I thought they were my friends, but
now they're threatening me and I have to go to
school and see them. You know, what do I do?
And I need help? And so that was a really
scary eye opening experience for us.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
What can parents do to not let it get to
that stage? What are some early warning signs that parents
need to watch out for when their children are gaming.

Speaker 2 (08:14):
So things you want to look out for our sudden
mood changes in your child. If you see that they're
suddenly more withdrawn or anxious, or if they're more upset
than they usually are after playing, it may be a
sign that they're experiencing negative interactions online. If you find
that they're avoiding certain games or friends that they used
to really enjoy or used to look forward to doing,

(08:35):
or they stop playing a game all of a sudden
that they used to really enjoy, it's possible that they
are experiencing a negative experience or bullying within that game.
And then you know, we're always looking for things that
are secretive. If they're you know, looking to close their
door when people are around, like they don't want you
to hear conversations that they're having, or they're blocking their door,
any type of secret behavior, hiding their phone, hiding their

(08:57):
computer screen when you walk into a room. Those are
things to be concerned about. And then the opposite, if
they're spending excessive amounts of time online, it may be
a sign that you know, something's happening online. They're feeling
pressured to do something and they feel like they always
need to be available and need to be close to
the computer, so they're spending a lot of time. So
those are things to look out for.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
So it's interesting we've been talking about adolescents and you
told a story that happened with your now fifteen year old,
but younger and younger children are being targeted online by predators.
In fact, data from your company shows that eight year
old eight year olds are particularly vulnerable. What are they

(09:38):
vulnerable too? And why is this happening?

Speaker 2 (09:42):
So I think it's really important to note that parents
are really quick to say, oh, that could never happen
to my child, or my child is too young, as
you say, this is what the data that our company
is showing. And young children are naturally trusting, and so
they may not recognize maniful feel it of behavior that's
happening online. So someone who is trying to extort them

(10:04):
for gaming currency or personal details that will lead to
privacy violations, banks, statements, any personal information. And younger kids
are eager to make friends and they don't fully understand
online safety, and so it's really important that parents are vigilance,
that they're using parental controls when their children are gaming,

(10:26):
that they use some form of software like heat us
to monitor gaming chats so that they know what's going on,
and to be able to educate their children early about
the type of things that are happening online, so that
conversation of stranger danger, just like you would in real life,
is exceptionally important. Online. You see a lot in the
news about sextortion, and that's where online predators are threatening

(10:48):
to share nude photos that they've coerced your children into
sharing with them online with others unless they provide them
with financial gain.

Speaker 1 (10:57):
Oh my goodness, now that it just makes my stomach,
and I'm so worried about this. We did have a
mom on a few months ago who sadly lost her
son to suicide after a sextortion, and she's trying to
educate the world on this that this is real, it happens.
You mentioned something though, that I find really interesting that

(11:18):
online scammers trying to get financial information may target small
children to what get their parents' bank statements. How does
that work?

Speaker 2 (11:28):
Yeah, so parents are giving their children their credit card
number within their gaming accounts for things that are called
micro transactions. So you know, your kids they need a
few extra coins to you know, get to the next level,
or they want to buy v Bucks in Fortnite, and
so they have access to their parents' credit card on
their gaming account. And so we always recommend that parents

(11:48):
don't save that information on their children's computers because then
that is information that they will then have access to.
And children are so honest and forgiving and they're not
looking for the negative in people. Well, they can share
their gaming passwords, and then once their gaming password is
shared and that scammer has access into their account, then
you know, it's a very slippery slope from there.

Speaker 1 (12:10):
I got to tell you. You're speaking a bunch of
words I don't even understand. So if I don't understand it,
I can imagine all the parents out there going what
what do we need to know? You mentioned that your
company key does k I d AS helps parents monitor
their kids activity. So if there was so it's looking

(12:30):
for language, like if there was somebody bullying your kid,
you would get kind of ping that says these words
were used.

Speaker 2 (12:36):
How does it work exactly? You would get an alert.
So you simply download the software onto your child's computer
and it runs in the background silently. Kids are very
concerned about, you know, software slowing down their computers. That's
not a concern. It runs in the background. They don't
get any alerts or pings or anything that will interrupt
their gaming. And what it does is that it monitors
the voice and text communication that children are having. Sometimes

(12:59):
they're using gaming apps such as Discord. Well, they've communicated
through Discord while playing a game like Fortnite or Roblock.
The software monitors the communication and then along with gaming
analytics like gaming time and the games they played and
for how long parents will receive alerts. When we know
that we see that there's exactly as you said, cyber
bullying concerns of an online creditor asking for you'll see

(13:22):
alert site if someone has asked your child for a
photo or has asked them to switch to another app
these or sign up predatory behavior.

Speaker 1 (13:29):
Oh yeah, I tell women on dating apps don't do.

Speaker 2 (13:32):
That right, and they're really meant to be able to
let you know this is what's happening. It's happening right now,
and now is a good time to have this conversation
with your child to get more information, to educate them
on what it means and what it looks like, so
that the lines of communication are open, so that you
are on the same page as your child.

Speaker 1 (13:50):
Okay, before we go, I have one question. You know,
we struggle with how much is too much? When I
see some of my college students reporting three or four
hours a day. How do parents balance the kids desire
to play games online with the things they need to
learn for real life living social skills. How do you
balance it? How much is too much time online? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (14:14):
It really is such a tough question and the answer
is unique for every family. I think it's really important
from the very beginning to look at what your child's
day looks like, and to set boundaries and to set
time limits that work for you and your family. Balance
really is key. And you know, the American Academy of

(14:34):
Pediatrics recommend screen time guidelines by age. There is a
difference between learning screen time that they're doing in school
and other game time like sitting in front of the
TV or playing games, and so you definitely want to
weigh that time. But you want to encourage breaks, ensure
that your children are stagnant for too long, get them
outside and running, and also consider using some of that

(14:56):
screen time with your child learn about the games they're playing,
place together. It really makes it a very different experience
when you're interacting with your child and talking to them
and learning about all the things they know versus them
just staring at the screen. But the answer really is
unique for every family.

Speaker 1 (15:13):
Jenna Burger, thank you so much for being with us.
The company is called key ski das a leading online
safety program for gamers. Good luck with your four gamers, Jenna,
thanks for being with you very much. You you're listening
to The Doctor, Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM six
forty re live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app right now.
Let's go to the twenty four hour KFI newsroom.
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