Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's k IF.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
I am six forty and you're listening to the Conway
Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
Walked in, Jay Leno Radio. How can they look cool?
Look whol walked in, No, and we have radio, we
don't have television. Nice to see you, buddy, look great.
Thank you gentlemen, Thanks well, thanks for helping us out.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
I saw you on the talk. I was on the talk. Yeah,
it's is it the talk or their talk?
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Now? I think it's called the talk. Is it is
it you or their view? I think it's their view. No,
it's the view. It's not the view. It's not the
view of most country.
Speaker 4 (00:34):
Well yeah, that's that's what I mean. But you no, no
matter what you say. You know, I was on the
talk and they said what do you think of election?
And I said, it was a great day for democracy
because for the first time in my memory, the person
with the most votes and the most electoral votes won.
Thank you, case close. We did it all on the
first day, within what six hours of the post close.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
It's perfect. It was perfect. Oh I see you big
Trump guy. No, I'm not I do not want anybody.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
I just I just I just said it was a
great thing, because no matter what you think of the candidates,
they come and go. You know, if this has been
another one of these things where it was, oh there's
thirty five hundred votes between the winner and the loser,
it's going to be six months of the valley and
rebe the whole system suffers. But I mean we all
put our head nose to the grindstone. It was completely honest,
and in one case of somebody rigging a vote of
(01:24):
voting twice, I mean they checked everything.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
He won far. Whether you're a fan or not, that's
not the issue.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
You know.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
When I was in the burn Center, we'll tell people
what happened, because we don't know how you got there.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Oh well, some people don't.
Speaker 4 (01:38):
I do. I was working on a motus. I was
working on a steam car, and I got underneath it
and I had a fuel line and I said to
my friend, blow a little air through the fuel line.
Hit me with a face full of gas, and then
it's recognited and set my face on fire.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
But wait, you were working on a steam engine. Was
this in nineteen thirty five? No, this was actually just
a little while ago.
Speaker 5 (02:00):
You were the first person that had been at the
burn center. Who's working on a steam engine?
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Do you think I don't know?
Speaker 4 (02:05):
You know, I didn't really ask. Hey before I came in,
you have anyone? Well, you know what happened. And my
face got all burned. So I said, okay, So I
drove myself to the burn center. You know, Wow, that's
that's a stud I got.
Speaker 5 (02:16):
Like.
Speaker 4 (02:16):
I goes like, you got to check in right now. Well,
I said, well, I can't check in right now because
my wife. My wife has got some dementia problem. She
has no athing about this. So I said, let me
go home and I'll come back in the morning. Well,
you can't go home because your face is still on fire,
And oh my god, I said, no, it's fine, don't
worry about So I drove home.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
I go to bed. I sleep on my pillow and
my face was still on fire.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
So when I woke up, my pillow had my face
had burned itself into the pillow.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
So so, hey, I got up with my pillow. I
walked in. I got a pair of scissors. Oh my god,
I'm coming.
Speaker 4 (02:50):
I'm laughing hysterically. I'm cutting the pillow off the side
of my face, you know. And I drive back to
the burn center about seven in the morning, and I
got pillow face. Oh my god, that's what's all. I said, Well,
the pillow But that's what we told you about. That's
what happened there.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
Because your your face is still burning underneath, is that right? So,
but you didn't feel any kind of pain. Were you
on pain pills or anything? No, I'm not I'm not
a pain I'm gonna I'm not a big pain guy.
Speaker 5 (03:13):
I mean, I don't think you'd be a big pain
guy to be Jay, What do you just you just
shook off your face being no.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
But I mean, but you're like a marine when it
happens for a while.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
You know, if you crack a rib, that's the worst
because you're fine and then you cough, you laugh a
laugh or something like that. You know, with this, it
was constant, so you just kind of go, Okay, that's.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
The new normal.
Speaker 4 (03:33):
Lets hurts, but that's the normal for right now. It's
not going to get worse, you know, So it's okay.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
So it's all right. But you know, they did the
whole thing in eight days, and you look great. And
this is the second phase because after I got.
Speaker 4 (03:46):
That, I went back home and about a month and
a half. I'm ride my motorcycle him over here, and
I go to turn around the guy's parking lot. He's
got a wire cross but with no flag and the
sons of my ass, so it tore my face from
a from from under, from under the chin, across my notes.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
I had to call my face guy. I called Peter,
I need another face. Face gave me, and he gave
me another face. Yeah, the we're god. I'm a two
faced guy now.
Speaker 5 (04:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yeah, but that's not a cheap face. I know what
faces look like.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
No, no, this is a very you know something.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
I'm so glad in the business. I mean, because I
couldn't have afforded.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
But but did you actually guy that didn't have the
flag on the wire?
Speaker 3 (04:26):
No, you know.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
I went over to see him and he goes, yeah,
I go, look, it's my fault. I should have seen it.
I know you didn't have any flags up or anything.
But I said, don't worry about it, all right. So
I shook his hand and it was okay, And you
know something, can I shake him down? Well? Listen, I
go buy there every day now and it looks like uh,
Cypress gardens, whistles.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Doesn't beam here there's a wire here. But you know,
you know, an old Chevy dealer. I'm not a lawsuit.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
I don't like I know, I just don't do all this,
you know, I was. I think if you went the
car and say, well you were partly spot yes, I was. Okay,
I don't so it was fine. I mean if I
couldn't have afforded it, that would have been one thing.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I want a tour of your garage. I'll give you
a tour, I really do.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
How long is the tour of your garage longer than mine?
Speaker 4 (05:16):
Yeah? I would hope so yeah, yeah, because we don't
just have a lawn mower and a weed whacker in
a fifty seven.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I should you know what I even I even ever
thought of that, But I should give I should sell
tours of my garage, you know.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
Yeah? Sure, hell, I mean, look, if Jay's doing it,
why can't I do it? That's what I said. All right,
can you stay? We want to talk with you from
another three hour? Yeah, let's talk so long.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yeah, you're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from
KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
Jay Leno's with us. Kay, what would you do with
a thousand.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Dollars thousand dollars.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
First of all, I would get it.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
I would get ten dollars a year for you take this, Yeah,
maybe years to pay out.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
I do the payoff because all on so you're gonna
go crazy. So yeah, that's right.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
Do you buy lottery tickets? No, that's the stupidest thing
idiots to buy lottery. I remember, Jay, it was Adam
Carolla was talking about a woman who went into a
seven to eleven in a wheelchair oxygen tanks and she's
rolling in. She was give me a super Lotto ticket,
and he's like, what, how could that possibly improve your life?
It's almost over, you know, and she's rooting for four
(06:23):
hundred million dollars.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
She's hoping for a late ending rally on our life.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
You know, when you were here when the John and
Ken Show was still the John and Ken Show.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
I remember you came on.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
You're on for and a half hour, very funny, and
I think it was still during the Tonight Show days.
And then you left in a steam car and they
were complainingly.
Speaker 4 (06:42):
Yeah, first of all, a steam car runs on water, water, vapor, okay.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Souse, and it's a cold day, so plumes of steam.
He goes lotos. Let those cars polluting.
Speaker 4 (06:53):
It's just polluting everywhere, just putting noxious gases.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
And you know, we gotta do a weather that shouldn't
be allowed. I'm not hey, I just on your show.
It's a steam car. It's a steam car.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Corolla, you know you're good friends with He has another
funny line. He said that in two hundred years from now, somebody,
some kid in eighth grade will do a paper on
Jay Leno and Jay Leno died and you know, in
twenty seventy two in a steam car accident, and you'll
get a fail on it, you know, because steam cars
went out two hundred years before that.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
That's right, that's correct.
Speaker 5 (07:28):
Is Coroola's got a garage kind of like yours, does
he hear? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (07:31):
He likes cars. He cocts mostly race cars.
Speaker 5 (07:34):
So so in the in terms of your garage and
your garage, it seems like, and this I get from
your shows and watching YouTube, like you like these various
stories that go with the car. You know, you you
sort of like cars that have a history, Sir, have
a funny story. Yeah, yeah, he likes race cars. I like,
what's the most valuable one you have?
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Well, it's probably McLaren F one, because that's a very
valuable car. But what's the most sentimental one?
Speaker 4 (08:00):
Well, my fifty five buw Wick. That was the first
guy I bought. When they came to the car, you know,
I flew out here to California. You know, I was
sitting at my apartment in Boston, and I was like,
and my friends. I had friends that were wanted to
be comedians, just singers, but they're working as weight as
the waitresses, and then they couldn't go to auditions because
they had to work. And I didn't want to be
(08:21):
in that position. I wanted to make my living as
a comedian if I could. I said, you know something,
I'm just kind of got a plane to go to California.
So I call the airline flight whatever it is. Okay,
I got it, Okay, I landed lax. I only get
I need a car. Was so I see the Penny Savers.
I go to the Penny saverything.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Oh it's a fifty five buw Work. I see to go.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
Where's Winchester. It's about three well three months, okay. I
call the guy that car s difficil. Yeah, is cab
take me?
Speaker 3 (08:47):
This addressing Winchester.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
I get there, it looked okay, and I thought, well,
if I don't buy it, I got to take a
cab back to the airport and then take a cab
to I don't know what. I don't know anybody here,
so I by it. So, you know, I was like,
how might say three fifty I'll give you a three
forty five. Okay, you know, not really, I was not
really a good day. So okay, I got the car,
(09:09):
and it was a big car, so I could live
in the car. So I did is that right? For?
Speaker 3 (09:14):
How long?
Speaker 4 (09:15):
For?
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Why not? Still? Well, you know what I.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
Would do and people find this, it doesn't seem unusual
to me. I would search the paper for open houses.
So I'd go to open house and be like Sunday
noon to four. So I get there at three thirty
and I look around. This is very nice, and then
I'd say.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
Okay, thank you, thank you very much. Okay.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
I'd shut the door, and then I go in like
the hall closet, and I'd just stand there and I'd
wait maybe forty five minutes an hour, and the real
two would leave and I'd live in the house for
two three days.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Oh that's cool. Have you ever talked about that. I've
never heard of it. I've never know my story.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
I have once in a while, and it was because
in those days, houses didn't this is the seventies. Houses
didn't have alarms, and I didn't. I didn't steal anything
or I didn't you know, know, you're just looking for
a warm Yeah. One day, one day I was there's
a house on cold Water Canyon. Oh, it's a nice house.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
You know.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
It does not belong to one of the beach boys.
We didn't know which one, but he was selling it.
So I got something in the house, same thing. And
I'm sleeping and I hear the next room. Here's the
master bedroom, and the wife walks in there and goes,
there's someone in the bed.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
There's no one living here, there's someone in that bed.
Speaker 4 (10:23):
Then the real too, I get out, Can I get dressed,
get out of the house.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
I'm calling the police. That scared me, my guy. Then
that's got Yeah, but that was really the only time
I got. Then I lived a beautiful house.
Speaker 4 (10:34):
On uh Up in Beechwood. You know a lot of
great houses in la It was fabulous.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
I'm surprised people don't don't do that. Still that's a
great Maybe they do. They're called squatters now. I guess
they don't leave, but I would, but you know I didn't.
I wasn't.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
I didn't put graffiti on the walls right now they
do that. I would even make the bed, you know,
so it doesn't look like anybody was there.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
And you still have that car? I still have, Yeah,
only two payments left. Yeah, yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Still You know Danica Patrick, you knew that is yes,
the race car driver. She was asked recently on a podcast,
what type of engine do you have? And she said
she has no idea and they said, well is it?
And she said engine? And what in her in a
race car? And she said she was unaware of whether
it was an eight or twelve cylinder. She knows that little.
(11:20):
She knows as much as I do about cars, attle
as you do, as little as I do. And she
drives him in the Indy five hundred. Well, you know,
athletes are always athletes. I remember Walter Peyton, You remember him, sure, Okay?
Walter Payton was not a car.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
Guy at all.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
Knew nothing about but he was a gregarious fellow and
a nice guy, but a good athlete. And we became
friends with him. He said, Hey, you should do the
Toyota Grand Prix with us. Oh, that'd be fun. Yeah, Okay.
So he comes in and within one day of with
the professional driver, he's matching the track record.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
Because he's he's an athlete. His hand eye coordination is unbelievable.
I mean that could break break breaks like break turnament. Yeah, shifting,
I mean he picked it up because he's an athlete,
you know.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
But you know I also in the same podcast I
was listening to, I didn't know this. Maybe you know
this because you're a big car guy. They only use
in NASCAR, when when you know they do the whatever
the you know, the coconut five hundred of Pocono five.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Cocono, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (12:24):
That's with common Miranda cocon the Cocono that the Coconol.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
They use the engine for one race, then they take
it out and send it back to you know, Toyota.
Speaker 4 (12:35):
And they tear it down one race. Well, but well
they're that hard on the engines. I mean, that's wild.
That's what it is. Again, everything is wild, but it's
actually the opposite. It's no, it is that's wild.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
J That's good.
Speaker 4 (12:47):
Similar to future thing that's not wild. But then so
then he put mustard on a hamburger.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
That's wild.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
But it's not expensive to tear down. And I mean yes,
it's a very it's a hugely expensive part. And drag
racing they low up everything, they completely tear the engine out.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
It's it's ten twenty thousand dollars a race.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
But but but to have you know, once you're done
with the rays, you know, you get if you win,
you get the milk and the flag and the check
and everything. That's just the start for your pit crew.
They got to now tear that car apart. I have
it ready in four days. Yeah, yeah, we'll make them
the show business. Yeah, that's unbelievable. Not wild, but unbelievable. Yeah.
Speaker 5 (13:23):
Can you stay with us?
Speaker 3 (13:24):
I'm right here, okay, God anywhere.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
Jay Leno's with us.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
How many motorcycles do you own? Sixty eight, one hundred
and sixty eight?
Speaker 4 (13:39):
Well, in case your crash when you need something to
ride while the other one's being fixed.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Did you ever get pulled over for going too fast
exceeding the speed limit?
Speaker 4 (13:45):
No?
Speaker 3 (13:45):
No, I never see the speed.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
I imagine you don't have a lot of problems with
the cops. They cops pull you over. Oh it's Jay Leno.
Hey Jay, how you doing nice?
Speaker 4 (13:52):
Well?
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Yeah, but I don't give cops a reason to give
me all the problem. I'm always polite. Permission to speak officer, heah,
what do you want? I mean that works all the time.
Speaker 4 (13:59):
Permission to speak office there, and they go, oh, because it's.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Really just a matter of respect on you. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:05):
You know my favorite thing. I love watching YouTube sovereign citizens.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
I'm traveling, I'm not oh I know a life on
showing you a license or registered. I don't need to
show you because you know, this is the stupidest.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Before cameras, those guys would have been taken out of
the car.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
And there was a guy who was traveling down in
Deep Arkansas. He's from New York, and he did one
of those California stops where he blew right through his stop,
slowed down, but he went through it and he gets
pulled over by the cop and the cops says, you know,
you didn't stop at the stop sign. He says, yeah,
but I slowed down, and the cop pulls him out,
(14:42):
hits him with the nightstick.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
He goes, want me to stop? You want me to
slow down? Right right there?
Speaker 2 (14:46):
You go, old top, old school, old school Arkansas. You
know I'm Boston. I remember my friend.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Boston cops were was unbelievable.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
We're walking down the street and Abby Hoffman was going
to speak in the Boston cop.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Oh wow.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
And that was back in the days when if you
said an obscenity over a microphone you got arrested.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
It was illegal. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (15:06):
So Amos Tucker was his name, and a big tall kid,
and we're walking along.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Cop. But hey, where your kid's going? Going down the comedy?
Speaker 4 (15:13):
No you're not. You're going back to your dorms, goes, No,
you can't make some back.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
Now he's got a nice sick He.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
Goes, First of all, you can put that nice stick
away because you're not allowed to hit me with it.
I beat the crap out of the Oh wow, he goes,
where are you going? I'm going back to my dorm man,
Thank you afficiated. There was a there was a bar
in Burbank called the Snug. I don't know if it's
still there or not. And I used to go there
and meet friends. But I'd leave my car there.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
A lot of guys in that, a lot of guys,
mostly guys, mostly dudes.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
But I'd leave my car there and walk home because
I didn't want to get a duy and Burbank they're
pretty strict with that, so I'd walk home. So I
pull up to the bar and this motorcycle cop gets out.
He goes, where are you going? I said, I'm going
into the bar to have a couple of drinks. He goes, well,
I'm gonna be sitting right here when you come out.
I'm going to wrest you for a d Why And
I said, but I'm gonna walk home because then you'll
be drunk in public. I'll still throw you in jail.
(16:05):
And I said, ah. He said, why don't you go
home and watch the tonight show with Jay Lenno. Yeah,
you know what, he said, that was the best advice
you could have given. Guys promoting the hell out of
your show.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
But I appreciate that. Who you Who are some.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Of your comedian friends that you hang out with. Oh,
who's the guy who opens for you all the time?
Speaker 3 (16:23):
The guy Jimmy's great?
Speaker 4 (16:25):
He worked with me on the Tonight Show for years
A very funny guy, very funny guy.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
Did you when you did the Tonight Show? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
I heard you did the show. Then everyone went back
to your house and you wrote the monologue for the
next night.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
We write the monologue from ten to two. Well, you'd
write half the monologue.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
So when I went in the next morning at seven
or eight, I was prepared. I had at least enough
of it in the can that I could go on
with the other parts of the show.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Well, you went to at seven in the morning. The
Lenno start tonight. Yeah, starts pretty early. Wow, because people
think I always remember Chevy Chase. I saw him once.
I said, why are you doing the talk show?
Speaker 4 (16:57):
He goes, well, you know, my kids are getting a
little old and I could go boating with them in
the morning and afternoon and then come in and do
the show.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
When do you take four o'clock? Don't come in three o'clock.
And what I meant, I.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
Mean I was there from seven until six, and then
the writers for the show up at nine thirty or ten,
and we'd sit till maybe two in the morning and
then go back into the sound And that was That
was a general routine when there was nothing pressing.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
But the monologue was always the best part of the show.
I didn't care what the actors were promoting and all
that stuff, but the monologue was always the best one.
Speaker 4 (17:34):
The next time, well, we all, you know, we tried
to do it for as long as we could, because
you tried to make as long as we could because
people don't really there weren't enough. There were eighteen celebrities
in the whole world that meant rating well. One of
them was Barack Obama. Barack Obama like he used to
he used to land to Burbank Airport, and I used
to live a block off of Hollywood Way, and they
(17:54):
would shut down Hollywood Way, and these CHP officers would
come down and block these streets and as they, you know,
leap frog each other to block these streets. They were
doing one hundred and thirty hundred and forty miles an
hour on Hollywood Way to get to the next I'm
trying remember the guy's name. Anyway, when Barack Obama, Hillary
had the nomination locked up, and then this guy named
(18:16):
Barack Obama announce he's running for president. And I said, hey,
this guy just announced he's running the president. Community organizer.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Let's let's go, let's get him on. So I call
up Brock.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
Oh thanks advicing me on the show, flies out here,
gets a rent a car, drives to the tonight show.
His got his jacket over shoulder. He comes in and
but I say, my name is Barackosaint Obama. I'm running
for president United States. I said, well, let's see black
guy from Chicago. The middle name was Hussein. I said,
you shouldn't even have the campaign.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
I think you're a shure.
Speaker 4 (18:45):
Yeah, and he thought that was funny and we got
to be friends. So he gave me his phone number.
So then he becomes president of United States. The next
time he comes, the whole parking lot is tented, so
a satellite cannot see where the presidential limousine goes once
it comes in the parking lot, so it's all tanted. Okay,
that's kind of cool. Oh yeah, that's the same. And
(19:06):
when we have the first time a president was ever
on the show, blah blah blah, you know, in a
late night show. So this is the trouble coming from
a small town having the same idiot friends you have
when you're in eighth grade. I'm with my buddies, and
I'm going, yeah, Brock Obama, you gave me his phone?
Domb n Uh, I'm going he gave me his number.
I don't believe it.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
All right, So I'm going out my phone. I got
my finger over the number. See what does it say?
Speaker 4 (19:27):
It says President Ied States Barack Obama. Is he the
first c the area code? That's that's Washington. You go, yeah,
but that's nothing. I go, well, you got the number,
let's call him. I go, no, he's President United States.
He's not gonna take a call. You don't have the number.
I said, all right, And it's like three o'clock in
the afternoon. All right, I died here rock here this president? Yeah,
(19:48):
Jay lenhom what can I do for you?
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Jay?
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Just here with some of my buddies. Lose this number?
J click. Oh it was great, it was great. Oh yeah, yeah,
you didn't need anymore. But you know, you don't remember.
Speaker 4 (20:06):
There was a senator I'm trying to remember his name
who got arrested for having sex with his babysitter in Illinois.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Oh yeah, what was his name? Okay, so he drops
out of the race.
Speaker 4 (20:18):
So Alan Keyes, the African American Republican, he takes his
place running. So the Democrats panic and they go an
African American he could win. We we got to find
our own African Americans. So they got the community organst.
I have Barack Obama. So the Barack Obama against Alan Keys.
Speaker 3 (20:36):
That's how that started. Yeah, not even a contest.
Speaker 4 (20:38):
So yeah, but if but if if that guy hadn't
slept with the babysitter, he wouldn't have been president United States.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
So it's wild, that's wild. I can say that. That's wild,
all right? Grossmanburn Foundation dot org. Grossmanburn Foundation dot org.
Wednesday is it this?
Speaker 4 (20:53):
What?
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Well, go to the websday.
Speaker 4 (20:55):
You know, it's not tomorrow, it's it's next to it's
a week for Wednesday, and one hundred percent of the
money goes to help you know, there are so many
poor kids and you know, just single mom that have
kids and the kids get these serious burns. And doctor
Grossman will, I mean, he can't cover all the expents himself.
All he does an awful lot and just my and
your donation will go to help these children.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Will there be other celebrities other than you?
Speaker 4 (21:17):
There?
Speaker 3 (21:18):
No, it's just me, It's just me.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
I wanted to do it because you know, when I
was in the Burns Center, the nurses there were so
nice to me. We sent them all to the Bahamas
and they went on a vacation. They had a great
time and just nice. You know, we just don't thank
these people enough. And it's no skin off my nose.
I like to tell jokes anyway, and if it raises
money for a good cause, that's what it is. So
it's fun to do.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Can you stay with us because I want you to.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
There's a joke, my favorite joke that you tell that
I'd love for you to tell it. What joke is
that the guy at the beach with the potato?
Speaker 5 (21:49):
Oh no no, But I like your favorite story that
I have from you, which involves but I don't want
to tip the story, but in people that you bumped
into outside of your house.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Yeah, well that's it. Yeah, that's alone.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
That's That's Another one is when you you thought you
were selling your house to this single woman with a baby.
Speaker 3 (22:14):
Yo that you know, that is a great story. That
is so la You always tell that. Now, yeah, you
can't hear with us. It's a beth unorthoox. But I
guess it'll be okay.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on Demyo from KF
I am six forty.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Jay Leno is with us? All right, can you tell
the first of all the story?
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Two things, the joke about the guy the speedo, because
I always screwed that joke.
Speaker 3 (22:38):
Always screw the joke, right, But I didn't create the joke.
You did. Here's a joke.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
The joke is the guys are walking, the guys trying
to meet girls.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
How you being not nothing? Is I can't have any success?
Speaker 4 (22:50):
I talked to him.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
He goes like, here's what you do.
Speaker 4 (22:53):
Go to the supermarket, get a potato, put it in
the front of your bathing suit. You walk around. The
girls are okay, I get there, come back. How do
you make out terrible? The girls run away? Why sports
put the potato in the front.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Yeah, that was that's a stupid joke. I heard that
joke so many times. But it's so great. So stupid.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
It's such a great visual, the guy walking around with
the potato in the back of his.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Oh, that's actually not a great it's a disgusting visual.
Actually it's not great.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
You aws like the the the Alaska one depends on
if it's one of the fingerlings or the you know,
the the heavy duty potatoes.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Or your fingerlings.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Yeah, one of those Monty potatoes. Right, what was the
Alaska one?
Speaker 3 (23:40):
Oh about? I said, I'm doing a giggle, yeah, doing
a giggle.
Speaker 4 (23:43):
Alaska. It was February. I remember that the sun came
up at eleven thirty in the morning and went down
one third in the after they had two hours of sunlight.
It's forty degrees below. It's freezing. You can't even stee
out the window. There's so much frost in the window.
Yet one I went into the thrifty drug store. The
ice cream is still soft. I don't understand how the
(24:05):
ice cream can still be soft.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
That such a great, great, It was such a classic
great I remember that joke the first time you told it,
you know, and it was always stuck with me because
everybody has had that.
Speaker 5 (24:21):
You know.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
We've gone to thrifty with the cylinder ice cream, you know,
and it's always soft as hell.
Speaker 4 (24:27):
You know what happened the other night I'm on stage.
I'm talking about when you get to be older, you
lose strength. He was like two percent a year from
age sixty five on and I said, I'm at the point.
Now we're opening a bag of pretzels is like tearing
a phone book. And this guy looks at me, goes,
he's about twenty five, goes, what's a phone book? I said,
(24:49):
you know, a phone book? He goes, No, what do
you mean? The phone book's got everybody's number. He goes,
how do they get everybody's number? Because they have your number?
What how would they get my number?
Speaker 3 (25:02):
He said?
Speaker 4 (25:02):
What if I don't want to be in the phone book?
He said, well then you pay money, you get it.
I'm listening them.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
You pay not to be a that's illegal. I go,
you know, this conversation is ridiculous. We just end this
right now. Hilarious.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Also, one of my favorite stories is when you went
to sell your house and you thought you were selling
it to a single one.
Speaker 3 (25:22):
You know, this is so la.
Speaker 4 (25:23):
Okay, we had a house in Nichols Canyon. Okay, nice house,
and so we're gonna move. You know, got to night show.
I've got to buy a house in Beverly Hills, you know. Okay,
So we put the house for sale and this people
come around, you know, this woman comes around.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
He's got a.
Speaker 4 (25:38):
Child, a little boy maybe six. Oh mommy, I like
to say, okay, okay, and she kind of low bosses
balls us a little bit, you know, And I said, well,
you seemed like she seems really nice and your husband,
Oh no, I'm a single mom. I mean, can you
afford all right? So we make a deal for a
(26:01):
little bit late, you know, like twenty grand lesson we know.
Oh okay, fine, So I make the deal and then
my wife says, you know, they got the kid, and
we when we bought.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
The house, we had new drapes put in, but I
never had him clean.
Speaker 4 (26:12):
I said, let's get to drapes, right, I go, really yeah,
because look dusty and the kid and you know, dust.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
The all right.
Speaker 4 (26:20):
So I pull all the drapes down and get them cleaned,
hang them back up to look unbelievable. I said, I
should have done this when I lived here, you know.
So we sell the house here you go, thank you
very much. So I said, let's go by and see
how they're doing. I come around the corner just as
the bulders is knocking my house down and I go, well,
what's what? What's I said, who lives there? This is
(26:40):
an by the somethinger of the company. What do you
mean something of the company? And I investigate, Oh, this
she was just a shill. She's buying houses for this,
for this company.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
I was like furious.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
Also, another great story is I used to live. I
don't know if you still do near. I think it's
sunset or where's the Gay Pride parade?
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Mark?
Speaker 5 (27:06):
I love it?
Speaker 4 (27:06):
No, that was I'm I've got my fifty five. I
got a fifty seven Buick Roadmaster convertile black red leave.
They're kind of a flashy car for the fifties. So
mor I when I are driving through and now we're
gonna go down to a pizza place on Santa Michael Bullivard.
So we got down to Santa Michael bullerv on the
cops here, hold it, hold it. And he recognized me,
and he goes, oh, oh, come on, come on, come on,
(27:29):
come on, I go I go see that howe he
recognizes me? Well, he doesn't recognize me. He saw the
car and figured I was in the Gay priper. So
now the guy turns me and now he guides my car,
come on, come this way, come on from now I'm
in the parade down and people going to chaykay, thanks.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
For coming out. I said, yeah, no problem.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
My wife's laugh and they think you're gay, and they go, well, yeah,
they think you're lesbian.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Okay, thank you very much. People going, Jay, thanks for
coming no problem. Yeah, I love that. It's going to
get a pizza. No three hours in the perd Yeah
yeah really, I'm there for about an hour and app could.
Speaker 4 (28:05):
Once you're in the braking, you can't get out because
people lined on both sides.
Speaker 3 (28:08):
You just have to run the whole route. That is fantastic, okay,
all right.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
So when we come back, best Italian restaurant, you've got
a great Italian sea okay, all right.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
And also there's another story you gotta I gotta ask you.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
To tell, if you don't mind, when your dad went
to buy his his car and you added all the million.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
Times, all right.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Conway Thompson Jay Leno's brothers were live on KFI AM
six forty Conway Show on demand on the iHeart Radio app.
Now you can always hear us live on KFI AM
six forty four to seven pm Monday through Friday, and
anytime on demand on the iHeart Radio app
It's k IF.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
I am six forty and you're listening to the Conway
Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
Walked in, Jay Leno Radio. How can they look cool?
Look whol walked in, No, and we have radio, we
don't have television. Nice to see you, buddy, look great.
Thank you gentlemen, Thanks well, thanks for helping us out.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
I saw you on the talk. I was on the talk. Yeah,
it's is it the talk or their talk?
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Now? I think it's called the talk. Is it is
it you or their view? I think it's their view. No,
it's the view. It's not the view. It's not the
view of most country.
Speaker 4 (00:34):
Well yeah, that's that's what I mean. But you no, no
matter what you say. You know, I was on the
talk and they said what do you think of election?
And I said, it was a great day for democracy
because for the first time in my memory, the person
with the most votes and the most electoral votes won.
Thank you, case close. We did it all on the
first day, within what six hours of the post close.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
It's perfect. It was perfect. Oh I see you big
Trump guy. No, I'm not I do not want anybody.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
I just I just I just said it was a
great thing, because no matter what you think of the candidates,
they come and go. You know, if this has been
another one of these things where it was, oh there's
thirty five hundred votes between the winner and the loser,
it's going to be six months of the valley and
rebe the whole system suffers. But I mean we all
put our head nose to the grindstone. It was completely honest,
and in one case of somebody rigging a vote of
(01:24):
voting twice, I mean they checked everything.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
He won far. Whether you're a fan or not, that's
not the issue.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
You know.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
When I was in the burn Center, we'll tell people
what happened, because we don't know how you got there.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Oh well, some people don't.
Speaker 4 (01:38):
I do. I was working on a motus. I was
working on a steam car, and I got underneath it
and I had a fuel line and I said to
my friend, blow a little air through the fuel line.
Hit me with a face full of gas, and then
it's recognited and set my face on fire.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
But wait, you were working on a steam engine. Was
this in nineteen thirty five? No, this was actually just
a little while ago.
Speaker 5 (02:00):
You were the first person that had been at the
burn center. Who's working on a steam engine?
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Do you think I don't know?
Speaker 4 (02:05):
You know, I didn't really ask. Hey before I came in,
you have anyone? Well, you know what happened. And my
face got all burned. So I said, okay, So I
drove myself to the burn center. You know, Wow, that's
that's a stud I got.
Speaker 5 (02:16):
Like.
Speaker 4 (02:16):
I goes like, you got to check in right now. Well,
I said, well, I can't check in right now because
my wife. My wife has got some dementia problem. She
has no athing about this. So I said, let me
go home and I'll come back in the morning. Well,
you can't go home because your face is still on fire,
And oh my god, I said, no, it's fine, don't
worry about So I drove home.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
I go to bed. I sleep on my pillow and
my face was still on fire.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
So when I woke up, my pillow had my face
had burned itself into the pillow.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
So so, hey, I got up with my pillow. I
walked in. I got a pair of scissors. Oh my god,
I'm coming.
Speaker 4 (02:50):
I'm laughing hysterically. I'm cutting the pillow off the side
of my face, you know. And I drive back to
the burn center about seven in the morning, and I
got pillow face. Oh my god, that's what's all. I said, Well,
the pillow But that's what we told you about. That's
what happened there.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
Because your your face is still burning underneath, is that right? So,
but you didn't feel any kind of pain. Were you
on pain pills or anything? No, I'm not I'm not
a pain I'm gonna I'm not a big pain guy.
Speaker 5 (03:13):
I mean, I don't think you'd be a big pain
guy to be Jay, What do you just you just
shook off your face being no.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
But I mean, but you're like a marine when it
happens for a while.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
You know, if you crack a rib, that's the worst
because you're fine and then you cough, you laugh a
laugh or something like that. You know, with this, it
was constant, so you just kind of go, Okay, that's.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
The new normal.
Speaker 4 (03:33):
Lets hurts, but that's the normal for right now. It's
not going to get worse, you know, So it's okay.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
So it's all right. But you know, they did the
whole thing in eight days, and you look great. And
this is the second phase because after I got.
Speaker 4 (03:46):
That, I went back home and about a month and
a half. I'm ride my motorcycle him over here, and
I go to turn around the guy's parking lot. He's
got a wire cross but with no flag and the
sons of my ass, so it tore my face from
a from from under, from under the chin, across my notes.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
I had to call my face guy. I called Peter,
I need another face. Face gave me, and he gave
me another face. Yeah, the we're god. I'm a two
faced guy now.
Speaker 5 (04:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yeah, but that's not a cheap face. I know what
faces look like.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
No, no, this is a very you know something.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
I'm so glad in the business. I mean, because I
couldn't have afforded.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
But but did you actually guy that didn't have the
flag on the wire?
Speaker 3 (04:26):
No, you know.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
I went over to see him and he goes, yeah,
I go, look, it's my fault. I should have seen it.
I know you didn't have any flags up or anything.
But I said, don't worry about it, all right. So
I shook his hand and it was okay, And you
know something, can I shake him down? Well? Listen, I
go buy there every day now and it looks like uh,
Cypress gardens, whistles.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Doesn't beam here there's a wire here. But you know,
you know, an old Chevy dealer. I'm not a lawsuit.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
I don't like I know, I just don't do all this,
you know, I was. I think if you went the
car and say, well you were partly spot yes, I was. Okay,
I don't so it was fine. I mean if I
couldn't have afforded it, that would have been one thing.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I want a tour of your garage. I'll give you
a tour, I really do.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
How long is the tour of your garage longer than mine?
Speaker 4 (05:16):
Yeah? I would hope so yeah, yeah, because we don't
just have a lawn mower and a weed whacker in
a fifty seven.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I should you know what I even I even ever
thought of that, But I should give I should sell
tours of my garage, you know.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
Yeah? Sure, hell, I mean, look, if Jay's doing it,
why can't I do it? That's what I said. All right,
can you stay? We want to talk with you from
another three hour? Yeah, let's talk so long.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yeah, you're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from
KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
Jay Leno's with us. Kay, what would you do with
a thousand.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Dollars thousand dollars.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
First of all, I would get it.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
I would get ten dollars a year for you take this, Yeah,
maybe years to pay out.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
I do the payoff because all on so you're gonna
go crazy. So yeah, that's right.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
Do you buy lottery tickets? No, that's the stupidest thing
idiots to buy lottery. I remember, Jay, it was Adam
Carolla was talking about a woman who went into a
seven to eleven in a wheelchair oxygen tanks and she's
rolling in. She was give me a super Lotto ticket,
and he's like, what, how could that possibly improve your life?
It's almost over, you know, and she's rooting for four
(06:23):
hundred million dollars.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
She's hoping for a late ending rally on our life.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
You know, when you were here when the John and
Ken Show was still the John and Ken Show.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
I remember you came on.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
You're on for and a half hour, very funny, and
I think it was still during the Tonight Show days.
And then you left in a steam car and they
were complainingly.
Speaker 4 (06:42):
Yeah, first of all, a steam car runs on water, water, vapor, okay.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Souse, and it's a cold day, so plumes of steam.
He goes lotos. Let those cars polluting.
Speaker 4 (06:53):
It's just polluting everywhere, just putting noxious gases.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
And you know, we gotta do a weather that shouldn't
be allowed. I'm not hey, I just on your show.
It's a steam car. It's a steam car.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Corolla, you know you're good friends with He has another
funny line. He said that in two hundred years from now, somebody,
some kid in eighth grade will do a paper on
Jay Leno and Jay Leno died and you know, in
twenty seventy two in a steam car accident, and you'll
get a fail on it, you know, because steam cars
went out two hundred years before that.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
That's right, that's correct.
Speaker 5 (07:28):
Is Coroola's got a garage kind of like yours, does
he hear? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (07:31):
He likes cars. He cocts mostly race cars.
Speaker 5 (07:34):
So so in the in terms of your garage and
your garage, it seems like, and this I get from
your shows and watching YouTube, like you like these various
stories that go with the car. You know, you you
sort of like cars that have a history, Sir, have
a funny story. Yeah, yeah, he likes race cars. I like,
what's the most valuable one you have?
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Well, it's probably McLaren F one, because that's a very
valuable car. But what's the most sentimental one?
Speaker 4 (08:00):
Well, my fifty five buw Wick. That was the first
guy I bought. When they came to the car, you know,
I flew out here to California. You know, I was
sitting at my apartment in Boston, and I was like,
and my friends. I had friends that were wanted to
be comedians, just singers, but they're working as weight as
the waitresses, and then they couldn't go to auditions because
they had to work. And I didn't want to be
(08:21):
in that position. I wanted to make my living as
a comedian if I could. I said, you know something,
I'm just kind of got a plane to go to California.
So I call the airline flight whatever it is. Okay,
I got it, Okay, I landed lax. I only get
I need a car. Was so I see the Penny Savers.
I go to the Penny saverything.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Oh it's a fifty five buw Work. I see to go.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
Where's Winchester. It's about three well three months, okay. I
call the guy that car s difficil. Yeah, is cab
take me?
Speaker 3 (08:47):
This addressing Winchester.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
I get there, it looked okay, and I thought, well,
if I don't buy it, I got to take a
cab back to the airport and then take a cab
to I don't know what. I don't know anybody here,
so I by it. So, you know, I was like,
how might say three fifty I'll give you a three
forty five. Okay, you know, not really, I was not
really a good day. So okay, I got the car,
(09:09):
and it was a big car, so I could live
in the car. So I did is that right? For?
Speaker 3 (09:14):
How long?
Speaker 4 (09:15):
For?
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Why not? Still? Well, you know what I.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
Would do and people find this, it doesn't seem unusual
to me. I would search the paper for open houses.
So I'd go to open house and be like Sunday
noon to four. So I get there at three thirty
and I look around. This is very nice, and then
I'd say.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
Okay, thank you, thank you very much. Okay.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
I'd shut the door, and then I go in like
the hall closet, and I'd just stand there and I'd
wait maybe forty five minutes an hour, and the real
two would leave and I'd live in the house for
two three days.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Oh that's cool. Have you ever talked about that. I've
never heard of it. I've never know my story.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
I have once in a while, and it was because
in those days, houses didn't this is the seventies. Houses
didn't have alarms, and I didn't. I didn't steal anything
or I didn't you know, know, you're just looking for
a warm Yeah. One day, one day I was there's
a house on cold Water Canyon. Oh, it's a nice house.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
You know.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
It does not belong to one of the beach boys.
We didn't know which one, but he was selling it.
So I got something in the house, same thing. And
I'm sleeping and I hear the next room. Here's the
master bedroom, and the wife walks in there and goes,
there's someone in the bed.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
There's no one living here, there's someone in that bed.
Speaker 4 (10:23):
Then the real too, I get out, Can I get dressed,
get out of the house.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
I'm calling the police. That scared me, my guy. Then
that's got Yeah, but that was really the only time
I got. Then I lived a beautiful house.
Speaker 4 (10:34):
On uh Up in Beechwood. You know a lot of
great houses in la It was fabulous.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
I'm surprised people don't don't do that. Still that's a
great Maybe they do. They're called squatters now. I guess
they don't leave, but I would, but you know I didn't.
I wasn't.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
I didn't put graffiti on the walls right now they
do that. I would even make the bed, you know,
so it doesn't look like anybody was there.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
And you still have that car? I still have, Yeah,
only two payments left. Yeah, yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Still You know Danica Patrick, you knew that is yes,
the race car driver. She was asked recently on a podcast,
what type of engine do you have? And she said
she has no idea and they said, well is it?
And she said engine? And what in her in a
race car? And she said she was unaware of whether
it was an eight or twelve cylinder. She knows that little.
(11:20):
She knows as much as I do about cars, attle
as you do, as little as I do. And she
drives him in the Indy five hundred. Well, you know,
athletes are always athletes. I remember Walter Peyton, You remember him, sure, Okay?
Walter Payton was not a car.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
Guy at all.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
Knew nothing about but he was a gregarious fellow and
a nice guy, but a good athlete. And we became
friends with him. He said, Hey, you should do the
Toyota Grand Prix with us. Oh, that'd be fun. Yeah, Okay.
So he comes in and within one day of with
the professional driver, he's matching the track record.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
Because he's he's an athlete. His hand eye coordination is unbelievable.
I mean that could break break breaks like break turnament. Yeah, shifting,
I mean he picked it up because he's an athlete,
you know.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
But you know I also in the same podcast I
was listening to, I didn't know this. Maybe you know
this because you're a big car guy. They only use
in NASCAR, when when you know they do the whatever
the you know, the coconut five hundred of Pocono five.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Cocono, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (12:24):
That's with common Miranda cocon the Cocono that the Coconol.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
They use the engine for one race, then they take
it out and send it back to you know, Toyota.
Speaker 4 (12:35):
And they tear it down one race. Well, but well
they're that hard on the engines. I mean, that's wild.
That's what it is. Again, everything is wild, but it's
actually the opposite. It's no, it is that's wild.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
J That's good.
Speaker 4 (12:47):
Similar to future thing that's not wild. But then so
then he put mustard on a hamburger.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
That's wild.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
But it's not expensive to tear down. And I mean yes,
it's a very it's a hugely expensive part. And drag
racing they low up everything, they completely tear the engine out.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
It's it's ten twenty thousand dollars a race.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
But but but to have you know, once you're done
with the rays, you know, you get if you win,
you get the milk and the flag and the check
and everything. That's just the start for your pit crew.
They got to now tear that car apart. I have
it ready in four days. Yeah, yeah, we'll make them
the show business. Yeah, that's unbelievable. Not wild, but unbelievable. Yeah.
Speaker 5 (13:23):
Can you stay with us?
Speaker 3 (13:24):
I'm right here, okay, God anywhere.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
Jay Leno's with us.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
How many motorcycles do you own? Sixty eight, one hundred
and sixty eight?
Speaker 4 (13:39):
Well, in case your crash when you need something to
ride while the other one's being fixed.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Did you ever get pulled over for going too fast
exceeding the speed limit?
Speaker 4 (13:45):
No?
Speaker 3 (13:45):
No, I never see the speed.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
I imagine you don't have a lot of problems with
the cops. They cops pull you over. Oh it's Jay Leno.
Hey Jay, how you doing nice?
Speaker 4 (13:52):
Well?
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Yeah, but I don't give cops a reason to give
me all the problem. I'm always polite. Permission to speak officer, heah,
what do you want? I mean that works all the time.
Speaker 4 (13:59):
Permission to speak office there, and they go, oh, because it's.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Really just a matter of respect on you. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:05):
You know my favorite thing. I love watching YouTube sovereign citizens.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
I'm traveling, I'm not oh I know a life on
showing you a license or registered. I don't need to
show you because you know, this is the stupidest.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Before cameras, those guys would have been taken out of
the car.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
And there was a guy who was traveling down in
Deep Arkansas. He's from New York, and he did one
of those California stops where he blew right through his stop,
slowed down, but he went through it and he gets
pulled over by the cop and the cops says, you know,
you didn't stop at the stop sign. He says, yeah,
but I slowed down, and the cop pulls him out,
(14:42):
hits him with the nightstick.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
He goes, want me to stop? You want me to
slow down? Right right there?
Speaker 2 (14:46):
You go, old top, old school, old school Arkansas. You
know I'm Boston. I remember my friend.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Boston cops were was unbelievable.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
We're walking down the street and Abby Hoffman was going
to speak in the Boston cop.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Oh wow.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
And that was back in the days when if you
said an obscenity over a microphone you got arrested.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
It was illegal. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (15:06):
So Amos Tucker was his name, and a big tall kid,
and we're walking along.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Cop. But hey, where your kid's going? Going down the comedy?
Speaker 4 (15:13):
No you're not. You're going back to your dorms, goes, No,
you can't make some back.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
Now he's got a nice sick He.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
Goes, First of all, you can put that nice stick
away because you're not allowed to hit me with it.
I beat the crap out of the Oh wow, he goes,
where are you going? I'm going back to my dorm man,
Thank you afficiated. There was a there was a bar
in Burbank called the Snug. I don't know if it's
still there or not. And I used to go there
and meet friends. But I'd leave my car there.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
A lot of guys in that, a lot of guys,
mostly guys, mostly dudes.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
But I'd leave my car there and walk home because
I didn't want to get a duy and Burbank they're
pretty strict with that, so I'd walk home. So I
pull up to the bar and this motorcycle cop gets out.
He goes, where are you going? I said, I'm going
into the bar to have a couple of drinks. He goes, well,
I'm gonna be sitting right here when you come out.
I'm going to wrest you for a d Why And
I said, but I'm gonna walk home because then you'll
be drunk in public. I'll still throw you in jail.
(16:05):
And I said, ah. He said, why don't you go
home and watch the tonight show with Jay Lenno. Yeah,
you know what, he said, that was the best advice
you could have given. Guys promoting the hell out of
your show.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
But I appreciate that. Who you Who are some.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Of your comedian friends that you hang out with. Oh,
who's the guy who opens for you all the time?
Speaker 3 (16:23):
The guy Jimmy's great?
Speaker 4 (16:25):
He worked with me on the Tonight Show for years
A very funny guy, very funny guy.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
Did you when you did the Tonight Show? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
I heard you did the show. Then everyone went back
to your house and you wrote the monologue for the
next night.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
We write the monologue from ten to two. Well, you'd
write half the monologue.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
So when I went in the next morning at seven
or eight, I was prepared. I had at least enough
of it in the can that I could go on
with the other parts of the show.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Well, you went to at seven in the morning. The
Lenno start tonight. Yeah, starts pretty early. Wow, because people
think I always remember Chevy Chase. I saw him once.
I said, why are you doing the talk show?
Speaker 4 (16:57):
He goes, well, you know, my kids are getting a
little old and I could go boating with them in
the morning and afternoon and then come in and do
the show.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
When do you take four o'clock? Don't come in three o'clock.
And what I meant, I.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
Mean I was there from seven until six, and then
the writers for the show up at nine thirty or ten,
and we'd sit till maybe two in the morning and
then go back into the sound And that was That
was a general routine when there was nothing pressing.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
But the monologue was always the best part of the show.
I didn't care what the actors were promoting and all
that stuff, but the monologue was always the best one.
Speaker 4 (17:34):
The next time, well, we all, you know, we tried
to do it for as long as we could, because
you tried to make as long as we could because
people don't really there weren't enough. There were eighteen celebrities
in the whole world that meant rating well. One of
them was Barack Obama. Barack Obama like he used to
he used to land to Burbank Airport, and I used
to live a block off of Hollywood Way, and they
(17:54):
would shut down Hollywood Way, and these CHP officers would
come down and block these streets and as they, you know,
leap frog each other to block these streets. They were
doing one hundred and thirty hundred and forty miles an
hour on Hollywood Way to get to the next I'm
trying remember the guy's name. Anyway, when Barack Obama, Hillary
had the nomination locked up, and then this guy named
(18:16):
Barack Obama announce he's running for president. And I said, hey,
this guy just announced he's running the president. Community organizer.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Let's let's go, let's get him on. So I call
up Brock.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
Oh thanks advicing me on the show, flies out here,
gets a rent a car, drives to the tonight show.
His got his jacket over shoulder. He comes in and
but I say, my name is Barackosaint Obama. I'm running
for president United States. I said, well, let's see black
guy from Chicago. The middle name was Hussein. I said,
you shouldn't even have the campaign.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
I think you're a shure.
Speaker 4 (18:45):
Yeah, and he thought that was funny and we got
to be friends. So he gave me his phone number.
So then he becomes president of United States. The next
time he comes, the whole parking lot is tented, so
a satellite cannot see where the presidential limousine goes once
it comes in the parking lot, so it's all tanted. Okay,
that's kind of cool. Oh yeah, that's the same. And
(19:06):
when we have the first time a president was ever
on the show, blah blah blah, you know, in a
late night show. So this is the trouble coming from
a small town having the same idiot friends you have
when you're in eighth grade. I'm with my buddies, and
I'm going, yeah, Brock Obama, you gave me his phone?
Domb n Uh, I'm going he gave me his number.
I don't believe it.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
All right, So I'm going out my phone. I got
my finger over the number. See what does it say?
Speaker 4 (19:27):
It says President Ied States Barack Obama. Is he the
first c the area code? That's that's Washington. You go, yeah,
but that's nothing. I go, well, you got the number,
let's call him. I go, no, he's President United States.
He's not gonna take a call. You don't have the number.
I said, all right, And it's like three o'clock in
the afternoon. All right, I died here rock here this president? Yeah,
(19:48):
Jay lenhom what can I do for you?
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Jay?
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Just here with some of my buddies. Lose this number?
J click. Oh it was great, it was great. Oh yeah, yeah,
you didn't need anymore. But you know, you don't remember.
Speaker 4 (20:06):
There was a senator I'm trying to remember his name
who got arrested for having sex with his babysitter in Illinois.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Oh yeah, what was his name? Okay, so he drops
out of the race.
Speaker 4 (20:18):
So Alan Keyes, the African American Republican, he takes his
place running. So the Democrats panic and they go an
African American he could win. We we got to find
our own African Americans. So they got the community organst.
I have Barack Obama. So the Barack Obama against Alan Keys.
Speaker 3 (20:36):
That's how that started. Yeah, not even a contest.
Speaker 4 (20:38):
So yeah, but if but if if that guy hadn't
slept with the babysitter, he wouldn't have been president United States.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
So it's wild, that's wild. I can say that. That's wild,
all right? Grossmanburn Foundation dot org. Grossmanburn Foundation dot org.
Wednesday is it this?
Speaker 4 (20:53):
What?
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Well, go to the websday.
Speaker 4 (20:55):
You know, it's not tomorrow, it's it's next to it's
a week for Wednesday, and one hundred percent of the
money goes to help you know, there are so many
poor kids and you know, just single mom that have
kids and the kids get these serious burns. And doctor
Grossman will, I mean, he can't cover all the expents himself.
All he does an awful lot and just my and
your donation will go to help these children.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Will there be other celebrities other than you?
Speaker 4 (21:17):
There?
Speaker 3 (21:18):
No, it's just me, It's just me.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
I wanted to do it because you know, when I
was in the Burns Center, the nurses there were so
nice to me. We sent them all to the Bahamas
and they went on a vacation. They had a great
time and just nice. You know, we just don't thank
these people enough. And it's no skin off my nose.
I like to tell jokes anyway, and if it raises
money for a good cause, that's what it is. So
it's fun to do.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Can you stay with us because I want you to.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
There's a joke, my favorite joke that you tell that
I'd love for you to tell it. What joke is
that the guy at the beach with the potato?
Speaker 5 (21:49):
Oh no no, But I like your favorite story that
I have from you, which involves but I don't want
to tip the story, but in people that you bumped
into outside of your house.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Yeah, well that's it. Yeah, that's alone.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
That's That's Another one is when you you thought you
were selling your house to this single woman with a baby.
Speaker 3 (22:14):
Yo that you know, that is a great story. That
is so la You always tell that. Now, yeah, you
can't hear with us. It's a beth unorthoox. But I
guess it'll be okay.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on Demyo from KF
I am six forty.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Jay Leno is with us? All right, can you tell
the first of all the story?
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Two things, the joke about the guy the speedo, because
I always screwed that joke.
Speaker 3 (22:38):
Always screw the joke, right, But I didn't create the joke.
You did. Here's a joke.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
The joke is the guys are walking, the guys trying
to meet girls.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
How you being not nothing? Is I can't have any success?
Speaker 4 (22:50):
I talked to him.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
He goes like, here's what you do.
Speaker 4 (22:53):
Go to the supermarket, get a potato, put it in
the front of your bathing suit. You walk around. The
girls are okay, I get there, come back. How do
you make out terrible? The girls run away? Why sports
put the potato in the front.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Yeah, that was that's a stupid joke. I heard that
joke so many times. But it's so great. So stupid.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
It's such a great visual, the guy walking around with
the potato in the back of his.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Oh, that's actually not a great it's a disgusting visual.
Actually it's not great.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
You aws like the the the Alaska one depends on
if it's one of the fingerlings or the you know,
the the heavy duty potatoes.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Or your fingerlings.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Yeah, one of those Monty potatoes. Right, what was the
Alaska one?
Speaker 3 (23:40):
Oh about? I said, I'm doing a giggle, yeah, doing
a giggle.
Speaker 4 (23:43):
Alaska. It was February. I remember that the sun came
up at eleven thirty in the morning and went down
one third in the after they had two hours of sunlight.
It's forty degrees below. It's freezing. You can't even stee
out the window. There's so much frost in the window.
Yet one I went into the thrifty drug store. The
ice cream is still soft. I don't understand how the
(24:05):
ice cream can still be soft.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
That such a great, great, It was such a classic
great I remember that joke the first time you told it,
you know, and it was always stuck with me because
everybody has had that.
Speaker 5 (24:21):
You know.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
We've gone to thrifty with the cylinder ice cream, you know,
and it's always soft as hell.
Speaker 4 (24:27):
You know what happened the other night I'm on stage.
I'm talking about when you get to be older, you
lose strength. He was like two percent a year from
age sixty five on and I said, I'm at the point.
Now we're opening a bag of pretzels is like tearing
a phone book. And this guy looks at me, goes,
he's about twenty five, goes, what's a phone book? I said,
(24:49):
you know, a phone book? He goes, No, what do
you mean? The phone book's got everybody's number. He goes,
how do they get everybody's number? Because they have your number?
What how would they get my number?
Speaker 3 (25:02):
He said?
Speaker 4 (25:02):
What if I don't want to be in the phone book?
He said, well then you pay money, you get it.
I'm listening them.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
You pay not to be a that's illegal. I go,
you know, this conversation is ridiculous. We just end this
right now. Hilarious.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Also, one of my favorite stories is when you went
to sell your house and you thought you were selling
it to a single one.
Speaker 3 (25:22):
You know, this is so la.
Speaker 4 (25:23):
Okay, we had a house in Nichols Canyon. Okay, nice house,
and so we're gonna move. You know, got to night show.
I've got to buy a house in Beverly Hills, you know. Okay,
So we put the house for sale and this people
come around, you know, this woman comes around.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
He's got a.
Speaker 4 (25:38):
Child, a little boy maybe six. Oh mommy, I like
to say, okay, okay, and she kind of low bosses
balls us a little bit, you know, And I said, well,
you seemed like she seems really nice and your husband,
Oh no, I'm a single mom. I mean, can you
afford all right? So we make a deal for a
(26:01):
little bit late, you know, like twenty grand lesson we know.
Oh okay, fine, So I make the deal and then
my wife says, you know, they got the kid, and
we when we bought.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
The house, we had new drapes put in, but I
never had him clean.
Speaker 4 (26:12):
I said, let's get to drapes, right, I go, really yeah,
because look dusty and the kid and you know, dust.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
The all right.
Speaker 4 (26:20):
So I pull all the drapes down and get them cleaned,
hang them back up to look unbelievable. I said, I
should have done this when I lived here, you know.
So we sell the house here you go, thank you
very much. So I said, let's go by and see
how they're doing. I come around the corner just as
the bulders is knocking my house down and I go, well,
what's what? What's I said, who lives there? This is
(26:40):
an by the somethinger of the company. What do you
mean something of the company? And I investigate, Oh, this
she was just a shill. She's buying houses for this,
for this company.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
I was like furious.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
Also, another great story is I used to live. I
don't know if you still do near. I think it's
sunset or where's the Gay Pride parade?
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Mark?
Speaker 5 (27:06):
I love it?
Speaker 4 (27:06):
No, that was I'm I've got my fifty five. I
got a fifty seven Buick Roadmaster convertile black red leave.
They're kind of a flashy car for the fifties. So
mor I when I are driving through and now we're
gonna go down to a pizza place on Santa Michael Bullivard.
So we got down to Santa Michael bullerv on the
cops here, hold it, hold it. And he recognized me,
and he goes, oh, oh, come on, come on, come on,
(27:29):
come on, I go I go see that howe he
recognizes me? Well, he doesn't recognize me. He saw the
car and figured I was in the Gay priper. So
now the guy turns me and now he guides my car,
come on, come this way, come on from now I'm
in the parade down and people going to chaykay, thanks.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
For coming out. I said, yeah, no problem.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
My wife's laugh and they think you're gay, and they go, well, yeah,
they think you're lesbian.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Okay, thank you very much. People going, Jay, thanks for
coming no problem. Yeah, I love that. It's going to
get a pizza. No three hours in the perd Yeah
yeah really, I'm there for about an hour and app could.
Speaker 4 (28:05):
Once you're in the braking, you can't get out because
people lined on both sides.
Speaker 3 (28:08):
You just have to run the whole route. That is fantastic, okay,
all right.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
So when we come back, best Italian restaurant, you've got
a great Italian sea okay, all right.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
And also there's another story you gotta I gotta ask you.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
To tell, if you don't mind, when your dad went
to buy his his car and you added all the million.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
Times, all right.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Conway Thompson Jay Leno's brothers were live on KFI AM
six forty Conway Show on demand on the iHeart Radio app.
Now you can always hear us live on KFI AM
six forty four to seven pm Monday through Friday, and
anytime on demand on the iHeart Radio app
Tim Conway Jr. on Demand News
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