Hour 1 | Improve The Stores or Close The Doors @ConwayShow

Valley Village break-in homeowner shoot sone of the suspects // Buying a water bag for watering plants / gun negotiations / improve the stores or close the doors  // Eyeliner from CVS and being a kept woman // Natural vs. Makeup / bidet or duvet / / Welcome to the show Elmer  

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
It's KFI Am sixty and you're listeningto the Conway Show on demand on the
iHeartRadio app. It is The ConwayShow, Ding Dong together again. All
right, very good. We havesomewhat breaking news here. I hate to
say breaking breaking because well, youknow, a lot of news stations do

(00:22):
that and then the story is ninehours old. But this is sort of
breaking news. I believe Bellio labeleda breaking and I hope Belly o to
very high regard. Bellio does notf around man, so possible breaking news,
right, Bellio, I think it'sbreaking news. Okay, let's break
it then here we go. Allright, all right, bad vibes in

(00:43):
Studio City. It's not a goodtime to commit a crime because lots of
guys and gals they're loaded. Yep, they bought guns during COVID and they're
not afraid to use them when youbreak into their house. At about three
ten here on Addison Street, nearthe majors of Cold and Magnolia. Okay,
there we are coal Fax and Magnoliafor Geua geography. Nuts out there,

(01:07):
coal Fax and Magnolia, North StudioCity, radically North Studio City,
I mean almost at the border thereof Studio City and I don't know Pakuaima
Hollywood whatever is out there North HollywoodStreet near the majors of Coalfax and Magnolia.
That is when three masked men triedto break into the home that you

(01:30):
see here in the center of theshot. But they weren't counting on the
armed home owner being present. Ohhere we go. Guy in the house
has a gun. He opened fire, streaking one of those suspects. The
other two took off and the searchcontinues for them. But we were the
only news helicopter overhead as the LaCity Fire Department. It's a nice brag.

(01:53):
I didn't know that NBC was theonly one over that deal for them,
But we were the only news helicopteroverhead as the La City Fire Department
brought out that injured suspect to takehim to the hospital. His condition is
unknown at this time. Yeah,I don't know if it's unknown. I
mean, I know he got shot. He got shot. Yeah, well,

(02:15):
I don't know what his physical conditionis, but mentally he's got to
be exhausted. You know, wentin to try to lift a couple of
watches, jewelry, electronics, somecash, and then you get shot.
What we have now, though,is the investigation. Of course, the
lap is talking to the homeowner.You see him there up against the garage.
He is, of course answering allof their questions, but obviously a

(02:38):
very how does she know that she'sin a helicopter? He is, of
course answering all of their questions.I don't know, I don't know.
I think there might be a guestwork here. But obviously a very scary
situation for that residence. And againthe search constrcy. Yeah, very scary
for the guy breaking in too.I think we forget to acknowledge the freight

(02:59):
level of the guy breaking in hesees another guy and gets shot. That
we always forget about this, thelevel of scared and frightened it that guy
was. But obviously a very scarysituation for that resident. And again the
search continues for the other two burglarswho tried to break into this Valley Village
home this afternoon. That late ishere for Valley Village and you shop before.

(03:22):
I'm Eleana Breno, that's about downIleana Moreno man, she's great,
Yeah, a channel four, she'severywhere? Does she pilot that that that
helicopter. Or is she the reporter? Angel, you know you're all over
this stuff. Yeah, she pilot, You're the best. No, she's
a she's a reporter up there,and I believe she What happened to pilot

(03:44):
reporters? Is Tim Lynn the lastof them? I think he is well,
you know the ABC still has uhScott Rife. I think that he
does it in the mornings and heflies and reports. Oh, it's all
right, it's kind of dangerous.I think it's sort of like being on
your cell phone while you're driving.Yeah, I don't know, especially with
high tension wires, high powered wires. All right, Angel Martinez, thank

(04:08):
you, Marri thank you. Baby. There she goes. Uh. I'm
gonna tell you again, it's nota good time to break into homes.
A lot of people are are arearmed. A lot of people are home.
You know, there's you can comeby here one day and do an
employee count. Nobody here on Mondaysor Fridays, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday

(04:30):
light two. But so people arehome because of COVID. They're working from
home a lot and people loaded upduring the pandemic. I got I got
four or five calls from people.I know some people that work here.
Hey buddy, where can I geta shotgun? I'm like, what,
How did I become the shotgun guy? How did that happen? I literally

(04:51):
got like four or five calls fromfrom people who work at this station and
people you if I named it,you would know them. And I got
the call, Hey buddy, howcan I get a handgun? I'm like,
I don't know, go to ahandgun store. Well, how do
you get a shotgun? Go tothe shotgun store. I don't know.
I mean what, I don't knowhow all of a sudden I became the

(05:11):
guy. I became like the gunguy. I've never been the gun guy
in my life. I felt thatit was pretty cool, but you got
to protect yourself. Here's something thathappened over the weekend, kind of odd.
My wife is going out camping forIt's a long story, but she's
going to be on the road fortwo days in camping and she wanted and

(05:33):
I wanted her to have some protection. So they sell this thing. It's
a pepper ball gun. It's itlooks exactly like a real gun, but
it shoots pepper balls. It's legalto carry anywhere in the United States.
It's not lethal. It just bothersthe hell out of the guy trying to
take your stuff. So I wentto a gun store in Pasadena and I

(05:55):
said, hey, do you guyshave that? And they said, yeah,
we've got one. You know,it's I think it was like two
ninety nine or three hundred ninety ninebucks, and I said okay. I
said I'll take it, and theguy goes great, and he said great
with too much enthusiasm, like hmm, what's going on here? Why aren't
these things moving? If he wasso happy to sell this, I said,
does it come with pepper balls?He said no, you got to
buy him on your own. Isaid, oh, do you sell me?

(06:16):
He says no, they're illegal inCalifornia. But yeah, they're illegal
to to sell in California. Isaid, okay, then why would I
buy this? He says, well, sounds like you wanted it. So
I was going to sell it tohim God, and I said, I'm
not buying this and I left.But man, do they make it tough

(06:38):
to protect yourself in this state?They really do. You can't buy a
pepper balls, you can't buy agun. You got to wait for two
weeks and then if you shoot anybodyin your house, man, the cops
give you the shuffle off the buffalo. They treat you like the criminal.
Man. It's tough. It's toughliving in California. A lot of crime,

(06:58):
and they don't give you the toolsto to protect yourself. What a
state? What a state we livein? All right? That's the latest
from Magnolian Collfax. And there aresome beautiful houses on Magnolia Magnolia. I
will say that Magnolia in the valleybeautiful, big homes with big property.
And maybe that's what people are lookingfor. Somebody has an expensive you know,

(07:19):
crib, does the kids doing?People could still call homes cribs?
Or is that nineteen eighty five?I call it? You called it crib?
Sure, well then I did too. What the hell? Good nuffer
crows? You're good enough for me. You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on
demand from KFI AM six forty.Over the weekend, I visited some stores

(07:44):
and I went to a sporting goodstore. I don't want to say the
name of it. It always makesmy life complicated. I get, you
know, a call from sales,I get a call from the company and
it's never worth it. It's neverworth it. So I'll just tell you
the story and you can figure outwhat sporting good store this once. But
I've been going to the sporting goodstore since I was a kid, and
it's it's a big one. It'sa big, big sporting good store,

(08:09):
big big, big, big big. Wait did I say that five times?
Big big big big big yeah?Five times? Yeah, big big
big big big yeah. Okay,so my I say again. My wife
was going out camping for a littlewhile, and I wanted to get her
some stuff as a very supportive husband, and so I got her some stuff

(08:31):
for the road. A flashlight.I'm a canteena, you know, she
can carry water around with her andand and then also a shower. You
know, you put water in thisbag and you hang the bag up and
you take a quick shower outside.And it was only fourteen bucks. So
I took it and paid for itand split. So I get home and

(08:52):
I said, hey, I gotyou this, this, and this,
and she goes, oh, that'sso nice of you. But I already
I bought one of those the otherday, one of those portable showers.
I said, oh, just takeit back. So I go to the
sporting good store to take it back, and it's only it was fourteen dollars.
I was thinking about just giving itto charity instead of, you know,
hassling with the return. So Iwalk in and the guy says,

(09:15):
oh, my boss has to okayit really at fourteen dollars. Huh,
we gotta get a signature's on thisthing. Okay, all right, I'll
wait. I'll wait. And itwas about fifteen minutes and he said,
oh, the guy's over at gunsright now. He's talking to a guy
about guns. And if you knowanything about sporting good store, the guy
who asks about and talks about guns, forty five minutes forty five minutes to

(09:39):
an hour, easy, easy,a lot of questions, a lot of
answers, a lot of looking,a lot of feeling, a lot of
touching, a lot of negotiations withthe guns. Guy goes a gun store
hour easy, one hour in agun store. So he's over at guns.
I'm waiting, waiting. Fifteen minutes. I said, hey, I

(10:01):
think i'll come back, and hegoes, oh, no, it'll just
be a couple more minutes. Hesaid, oh, I'll stick around,
and then another guy comes up andhe says, hey, can I help
you? I said, yeah,I'm just I'd like to return this thing.
It's a portal shower. It wascompletely unused, still in the box,
nobody touched it, and he says, oh, I got to wait
for the manager to sign off onit. I said, okay, so

(10:22):
you guys don't have the privilege andto sign off on this, right it's
fourteen dollars. He said, no, we don't. I said, you
know who else doesn't me? Idon't either, and I don't work here.
I find that really insulting that theydon't give you the ability to return
an item like under fifty bucks orunder twenty five dollars without the manager's signature.

(10:46):
So I split, I didn't returnit. I went back the next
day, and you know, Ihad to destroy my day to go back
again to return this thing, andI finally returned it. So that was
one incident over the weekend. Anotherone was I went to a big,
huge store and I had to buyshaving cream and guess what, the shaving
cream is locked up? Yes,Rick as rick De's would say, they

(11:09):
locked it up. Can you believethat so much stuff is locked up?
I had that happen to me yesterday. Everything I wanted was locked up,
and I just didn't feel like goingand waiting, and I wait, get
it, I'm with you, butI waited. I guess my time is
less valuable than yours, clearly.So I waited, pressed the button and
a guy walks by and go,hey, you got a key And he

(11:31):
says, no, they don't trustme with the key. I said,
oh, how long have you beenhere? He said two years? Wow?
Two years? And he says,so don't And they trust you as
much as they trust me. That'skind of crazy. So guy finally comes
by with the key and he takesthe shaving cream out and then he puts
it in. It looks like aplastic sea through lunch box with a top

(11:52):
on it. And he puts itin this lunch this you know, plastic
lunch box with the top on it, seals it, locks it, gives
it to me and said they'll openit up at the front counter. I
said, all right, So Iget to the front counter. They can't
open this box. They're banging it, they're pulling it, they're doing the
magnet thing. They're putting it onthe ground, they're stepping on it.

(12:15):
They can't open this box, andI left before they opened the box.
It was like literally ten minutes oftrying to open that box. And I'm
gonna tell you this because I lovestores. It's why people shop online.
It's why people shop online. Andif you guys don't straighten these things out,

(12:37):
eventually all of those stores are goingto close and we'll all just shop
online. And I don't want thatto happen. I get excited to go
to stores. I love Target andWalmart. I like going to Marshalls.
I know the guard at Marshals bellyooh, I know you do. I
know the guard. I know theguard at dead Walmart. I know Jason
who works at the at Target.I know Oscar who works at Lows.

(13:01):
I know these people. People thinkyou work at these places. That's right,
very often, and I want themto survive. So I'm telling you
the customer service has to improve oryou're going to close your doors. So
if you work at one of thesestores, pass it along. Customer service
has to improve in these stores oryou're going to close the doors. Improve

(13:24):
at the stores or close the doors. That's going to happen. That's going
to happen, and I don't wantto happen. Sorry to sound so angry
and mean. That's the only wayto get people to change. They've got
to change customer servers of these storesor they are going to close the doors.
Period. You're listening to Tim ConwayJunior on Demand from KFI AM six

(13:48):
forty. We have a very nicelistener named Anne Marie who said, if
you go to Walmart, just callahead and say that you want this product,
this product, this product, product, and then they'll have it ready
for you. Don't You don't haveto go in the store. I'm like,
well, why do I have todo that? I like looking around
the store. I go to thestore to look around. I don't if

(14:09):
I did that, I'd just shopat Amazon, you know. But I
like going to the store and lookingaround. I enjoy them. And why
do we all have to change becauseof idiots? You know? That's like
in third grade. Do you rememberin third grade where a kid got caught
eating like a chocolate bar or pieceof gum and he was asked, oh,

(14:30):
do you have enough for everybody inthe class, Or a guy in
your third grade class got caught doingsomething stupid and everyone had to stay in
for recess. You couldn't go outbecause one idiot. That's what society is
now. Society now is we allhave to change our lives because of idiots.
Yeah, and there's a lot ofthem out there. You see them

(14:52):
every day. I see more idiotsthan I see regular people. You know,
people driving ninety an hour on Alamedaor Olive and Burbank, people driving
one hundred and thirty on the freeway. I'm you know, people driving on
the shoulder, hey, people cuttingyou off on an on ramp off ramp.

(15:13):
You see it every day, everyday. There's idiots out there,
every single day. I was talkingto Bellio during the break. She's cool,
she's nice, you seemed nice.Thank you. And you said you
went to CBS to get eyeliner,mess Scara, what's the difference, mess

(15:33):
Scara goes on your lashes. Eyelinerlines the lid of the eye. There's
a difference. Tim, You wouldnever put eyeliner on your lashes. Don't
be a fool. Okay, Butit was locked locked up. What was
odd was in one aisle, allthe stuff I wanted was locked up,

(15:54):
But an aisle over it wasn't lockedup a couple of theories. I have
a couple of theories on that,all right. One is they know what
stuff is stolen, and that's obviouslythe most desirable stuff. So, man,
you're on fire with your eyeliner.Thank you. You know you picked
a popular brand, Mascarra, Mascarrett, I write that down mass scarre,
all right. Or they're gonna lockeverything up but they just haven't gotten to

(16:18):
some items, or or maybe it'sthe aisle, you know, farthest away
that they lock up because people cango over there and think they're not being
seen. Okay, but then Idon't think they really care anymore. Yeah,
I don't know. It's odd ordo certain brands ask that their product?
Wow? Man, I didn't thinkyou had another or in you,
but you had a couple of whoyou're on fire with your oars? I

(16:44):
I don't know. I will tellyou a quick story though. One of
my my wife's sisters, they're bothnurses. God blessed both of them.
They're both nurses during COVID and theysaved a lot of lives, So God
bless uh Brienna and Kelsey. Theyare beautiful kids and they went to nursing
school and then you know, twoor three years, four years out of

(17:07):
nursing school COVID hits and they neverskipped a beat, They never called in
sick. They went in and helpeda lot of people and saved a lot
of lives. So I'm going togive them credit for that the rest of
my life. That being said,I think it was Kelsey who was when
she was younger, when she wason sixteen seventeen eighteen, and she had
a friend who would later I think, became a makeup artist. I mean

(17:29):
this a friend of hers was unbelievablemakeup. I mean they could take the
you know, the the a facelike mine and make it look like you
know, George Clooney, Wow,yeah, I mean like miracle workers.
And so she had this friend whowas unbelievable makeup, and my sister in
law said to her, Hey,can you show me how to do that
with my makeup? And she saidsure. So she, you know,

(17:53):
poured her makeup out of her purseand she looked through it and looked through
it and looked through it, andshe said, where'd you get all this
man up? And she goes,oh, I bought it CVS. She
pushes it back to her, andshe goes, I don't work with CVS,
see now, but that insult Bello. Yeah, well, I think
if you're a really fabulous makeup artist, you can work with anything and make

(18:18):
it look good. Little roasted.I don't feel roasted. No. I
buy my makeup at CVS. Iknow. And you and you just got
roasted. Boy. I didn't thinkyou had another one in you, but
oh I do. Yeah. Iloaded up over the weekend, three days
off, and yeah, you're infor it, roasted row. Let's move

(18:41):
on with your Yeah, with yourstart makeup and all kinds of you know,
your CVS. You know I'm married, so I'll get CVS eye liners
the run. Yeah, it's becauseI'm a kept woman, that's right.
Yeah, that's right. I'll justtake it. Any of us crap doesn't
matter. John John doesn't chair seemhe doesn't anymore. So that's a classic.

(19:10):
It's sad. Yeah, I thinkthat's what we're getting to, right,
got it. I didn't want tosay it, but you we both
thought it. So it is kindof sad, isn't it? A little
bit? We're relying on KFI?Aren't you glad you came in today?

(19:30):
Belly. Okay, you're listening toTim Conway Junior on demand from kf I
am six forty Yeah, Gary Shannonnine to one, and then listen to
the Conway Podcast at one and thenwe're on at four. Isn't that how
we work around? Yes, that'sexactly how we were, Big Dog.

(19:51):
We're talking during the break about womenwith makeup and natural women who don't wear
a lot of makeup, and Belliowas saying that most men like a natural
woman who doesn't wear makeup. Shesaid, there's a there's a long list
of men that have like women withminimal makeup or no makeup at all,
Like where's antalyst? There was acouple of men in here that agreed,

(20:15):
Yeah, because you forced them to. You said that. I mean,
uh, Oscar was sitting down andyou said, hey, by the way,
Oscar, you like women with nomakeup? Right? He's like,
I guess, So I guess?So am I correct? Yes, you're
correct? See you don't agree ongirl power. Yeah, so Bellio was,

(20:38):
uh, you know we're going around. Somebody in that in that air
mix said, oh I don't likethe long eyelashes. Oh I don't like
you know, too much makeup.It gets on your clothes if you hug
them. And then somebody, Ithink was it Oscar who said that Elmer
Elmer, okay, Elmer nails.Elmer said he doesn't like long nails because

(21:00):
it makes it difficult to wipe themselves. They were like, I guess,
I guess that there's something to happenspecific Yeah, and he said he said
they have to end up using aduvet. I'm like, oh, that's
really gross. The day the duvet, I mean they wipe themselves on the
bed sounds the same in my headfor some reason, I see but day

(21:26):
oh, I get it. Okay, Yeah, it's like a dog dragging
its butt across the Yeah, yougot to get a new girlfriend at that
point, Bob, because that's amental condition. That's that's wild mental condition.
If that's going on at your house, when people are into it,
wiping themselves with a duvet, yeah, I don't know how into it you
can be with them. And thenhe said, I said, you mean

(21:48):
the day and he goes, oh, it's the day. I said yeah,
and he goes, oh, man, I've been using duvet. And
nobody said anything. Everyone just everyone'sdriving home going wow, that guy's wild.
What in life that guy's got goingon that he doesn't mind his girlfriend
wiping her ass on the bed?God, what an open guy. That

(22:14):
What a very understanding dude that is. Yeah, that's great, buddy,
I'd love to be your girlfriend.Just's all over the place. I'm sorry,
sorry, I'm sorry, I wipemy ass on the bed. Sorry,
But but I will say that theI don't know the difference between I
will say this, Elmer, I'mwith you. What's the difference between a

(22:37):
bedspread and a duvet? Is thatthe same thing? I have no idea.
I don't either. What's the differencebetween a duvet? You put the
comforter inside the duvet? Oh,dove is a two piece thing. Yeah,
okay, it's like a it's almostit's like a pocket. Oh okay,
okay, okay, Yeah, it'slike a pillow case for your your

(22:57):
comforter. It's very difficult to puta duvet cover on like a sheep by
yourself, though, it is.It's that's there's a talent. Wait,
I'm sorry, it's difficult. Forwhat It's difficult to get it inside of
the dove. They it's like kindof the pillowcase. And like the blanket
itself. It's a nice if youdon't have someone helping you, like you're

(23:18):
literally just it's like a whole technique. Yeah, especially when she's trying to
what I got done with? Thensorry, I think we it was my
fault. It shouldn't brought up.Oh that took no time whatsoever. Welcome
aboard the way with us. Yeah. Yeah. But when I was a
kid, I was probably about sixor seven, and my mom yelled from

(23:44):
her bedroom. She goes, tellme, like six one, am I
in trouble for now? And shegoes, would you go get my keys
from the go to the foyer,get my keys from the belly drawer of
the of the of the arm I'mlike, wait, do what she was

(24:06):
Go to the foyer and get mykeys out of the arm water they're in
the belly drawer. I'm like,I have no idea where to go.
I don't know what any of thatstuff means. I grew up with a
similar mother, so I know exactlywhat that means by so I eventually found
out what it meant. But whenI was six or seven, I'm like,
I don't know where to go.Go to the foyer, I don't

(24:29):
know where that is. Go tothe arm war. I don't know it's
seven to what that was? Andwhat's a belly drawer? I couldn't figure
it out any of it. Couldn'tfigure it out. And then I figured
out. I found out adventure explainwhat it is. It's it's a piece
of furniture that has like a deskand then there's shelves above it. That's
the arm wall. And the foyeris the entrance to the home. And

(24:53):
the belly drawer is the drawer ifyou sit, it's the one that hits
your belly. It's usually a lawand pencils and I don't know, rubber
bands in there and staples, stampsright, yes, return addressed the labels,
paper clips, you know, pushpin, envelope opener, yeah?

(25:15):
Is that no, it's plenty.Do they washing instructions? Yes? Yes,
Sorry Elmert, You're never gonna letthat down. Bub that's your Irish
negative story. What's an Irish negativestory? Glad you asked? I was

(25:36):
twenty two or twenty three and Iwas at a party and there was about
five or six very attractive women whoare also my age in nursing school,
and one of them asked, whereI get the scar on my left arm?
It looks like I've done heroin,But I got a scar on my
left arm. Maybe we can puta picture of it up online. People
can throw up when they see it. But it's a big scar on my

(25:57):
left arm. I had the samescar on my left foot and I had
to have a blood transfusion when Iwas two days old and the doctor gave
me a fifty to fifty shot ofliving and hey, look I won that
bet. So I was always Ialways told everybody that that scar is because

(26:18):
I was born Irish negative. Andthe two nurses I was talking to they
go, hey, hold them onesecond, and they get their other three
friends. Now I'm like, I'mthe es. I mean, all these
five beautiful nursing students are all aroundme, and they're like, oh,
tell us more, what's going onwith you? Where'd you get that scar?

(26:40):
Again? And she makes me repeatthat story. I'm like, well,
you know, when I was born, I was almost died fifty to
fifty shot of living because I wasIrish negative And the one nurse looks at
me and says, you mean RHnegative. Oh I see, so you

(27:03):
mixed up the words, and Isaid, uh, yeah, it's it's
probably our age negative. And theyall laughed at me. And because my
mom and dad never corrected me whenI told that story, they never corrected
that, and they thought it wascute. Until you're twenty two and you're
telling that at a party to nursingstudents. They left that out of the

(27:25):
equation. So that duvet story isyour Irish negative. And how many how
many times have you told that storyor told that theory to people using duvet
instead of bidet. This is thefirst time I've been caught. Oh,
but how many times have you toldit? Oh? Probably a bunch,
like because I have the bday athome, so I feel like, naturally
I must have said tovey, Imust have gone to at the same time

(27:48):
I got the bidet. That's great, dude, you're the best. You're
gonna fit in perfectly here, Elmer, you get the star for the first
hour. Happy to be here,thank you, and a good thing to
get if I relive on KFI AMsix forty Conway show on demand on the
iHeartRadio app. Now you can alwayshear us live on KFI AM six forty

(28:10):
four to seven pm. Monday throughFriday, and anytime on demand on the
iHeartRadio app.