January 2, 2026 • 31 mins
The New Year fun continues with an unforgettable run of stories from Jay Leno. Jay recounts the terrifying moment he was caught in a car fire, sharing firsthand what went wrong and how it all unfolded. He then rewinds to his early days in Los Angeles, talking about arriving in town, scraping by, and the very first car that helped him get around Hollywood.Things get even more personal when Jay admits to accidentally losing Barack Obama’s phone number after trying a little too hard to play it cool. And in true Leno fashion, the segment wraps with a perfectly absurd story about getting unintentionally swept into a parade… all while just trying to grab a slice of pizza.Car fires, Hollywood beginnings, presidential mishaps, and parade chaos—this Best Of is a masterclass in legendary storytelling. 🥂🎧
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's k IF.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
I am six forty and you're listening to the Conway
Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. But Jay Leno
is with us night. Always nice to see you, young man. Well,
thank you, thank you, and you look great. Well, thank you,
thank you. I'm trying to get money hits.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Oh here where you go?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
And you had a great joke that after you got
burned in your garage and you paid for a new face,
you would tell people you are the new face of comment.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
That's right, I'm the new face of common that's right.
And I was two faced, that's.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Well, that's right. Richard Pryor was he around when you started?
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Yeah, very much.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
So.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
I like Richard, great comic, really the most naturally funny guy.
I mean he would just slay the room just to
kill me, just you know. Yeah, he was. He was
just the best, just the best, truly funny, great facial
expressions too.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
And it's funny because you know, a lot of young
comics don't really know his work because he just did
Live at the Sunset Trip. He's like the first comics
to shoot a stand up special that aired in theaters.
Oh wow, you know, And so that was a big deal.
The HBO thing was sort of new at the time,
so he hadn't done this, So there's not a lot
of his work out there, but just hilarious. That's you
(01:13):
can't repeat most of it, but it's pretty funny.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
I always thought that Jeff Altman was great. Whatever happened
to him.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Jeff I had a long time. Jeff's a very funny guy.
I know, he moved back East, he got married. Yeah,
he was like, you know, all comics are screwed up
in some way, and Jeff certainly takes the title. I
don't mean that insulting way. I just mean because it's
what made him funny. He just that odd, bouncing off
the wall, you know, just very hyper.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
You know, was Norm MacDonald out here or did he
start back east? Was he East Coast comic? Well, he's
from Canada. Norm was, you know, really funny. Nobody made
me laugh like Norm. I remember he used to bring
his mom to see me because I work clean, because
his mom didn't like to go to the comedy clubs.
That ever, they worked Diddy, so I had a good
(02:00):
relationship with him.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
So he takes his mom Tova and he loved to gamble, right,
so they standing line to check in at the hotel,
and it's like maybe twenty people in front of him.
So Norman says, I'm gonna go over to the tables
for a few minutes a mole okay, because the other
table loses all his money. He can't even check in
the hotel. Now he lost everything. Everything on his credit
(02:24):
card he lost. He comes back to his mic.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
We can't say my kind of guy.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Yeah, there you go, my kind of guy.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
Well, here's a gambling job. Guys walking down the strip
in Vegas. He's right at the end of the strip,
you know where they have that sign welcome Only he
sees the guy coming from the desert. You know what's
that The guy crosses the street. So he crosses the
street and then guys coming to him. He crossed and
the other guy guy crossing, So it's inevitable he's gonna
(02:55):
bump to this guy. And the guy sees him trying
to alloid him. He goes look Sarah, so please don't
avoid me. I'm a very successful business memory I come from.
This suit costs thousands of dollars. It's very expensive. I
just had to run a bed like my car broke
down on the outside of town, or were sitting in
the car. I'm walking in here. I'm a successful business men,
worre I come from. I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed of myself.
(03:17):
Can you lend me a hundred dollars? The guy says, well,
if i'd lend you a hundred dollars, I don't know
you won't use it for gambling money.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
I reduce pot, takes a bottle of water bills.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Oh, I got gambling money. No, I got gambling money.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
I'm okay and somewhat true. Right, yeah, guys will, but
you know, wait until the end like we used to.
I remember I was at Mandalay Bay and I was gambling,
probably spending twenty five dollars a hand in blackjack like
an idiot. And my wife always said, if we're going
to drink, you gotta eat, and so she always made
(03:54):
sure we had something to eat before we got you know,
we went to bed. So she goes, let's go to
the coffee shop like a christ all right, So we
go to the coffee shop. She gets I don't know,
burger or tacos or something, and then she asked the waiter,
can I get a side of sour cream, and I
said to the waiter, I said, hey, how much is
the side of sour cream? And he said it's fifty cents.
(04:16):
I said, okay, well, let's go ahead and get that
done with the hell. And then the waiter leaves and
my wife said, at what point were you not going to.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Okay the side of sour cream.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
You're spending twenty five or fifty dollars a hand on
blackjack and I couldn't.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Get a dollar of sour cream because of you.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Well, let's say like the guy gets in an elevator,
a husband and wife are arguing. You know, the wife's crying.
The guy goes, you lost five hundred and I gave
you five hundred dollars, you lost five What are your
n You're stupid?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
And she goes, but you lost five thousand dollars. Yeah,
but I know how to gamble. Hey, you said you
also said you have a great golf joke.
Speaker 3 (04:54):
Oh I like this, Well, I mentioned because you talk
about a woman who's corbroke. That's right. This guy's Saturday
goes out to play golf and he's running a little
bit late on his way home and sees a woman with.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
A flat tire frantic, Oh, not waving. Okay, well I
got a flat.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
I just looked a mile. I'll help you. He changed
the time for anything. Get ready to go. She goes,
I'll put you put the spar in the back and
he go. She goes, okay, can you follow me home? Well,
you gotta spread that. Well if I get another flat,
he said, it's only a musha. Well I'm just worried,
all right, Okay, so he follows her home. They pull
in the driveway. He goes, there, go you're all sad.
She goes, can I offer you a drink? Well, I
(05:29):
got my wife's waiting. I got just one drinking. All right,
it's the guy that has a drink, has another drink.
They start talking. Next you know, they wind up in bed.
They're having sex. Okay, Now it's eleven o'clock at night.
The guy's driving home, going, what a jerk, What an idiot?
I ruined my marriage. You know, I'm not gonna be
a hypocrite. When I get in, I'm just gonna tell
(05:52):
my off what happened. If she wants to divorce me,
that's fine. I'm not going to live alone. He pulls
in the driver the wife's in the driveway with their
arms fold.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
She goes, where are you?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
I was coming home on FA fixed it for then
she wanted me to follow her home. I said, okay,
I said, here you go. Said, she goes, come in,
have a drink. I said, why can just one drink?
Just to say thing? Said? We had a drink, had
another drink. We wound up in bed and we other sex.
He says, you're a damn liar. You're playing another round
with golf. It's a stupid show.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
That's fantastic. Can you stay? You've gotta go, No, I
gotta go now. Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
You know what I also read recently, maybe maybe I
heard this from you. The Cadillac is the only company,
I think worldwide that lowered its demo.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
Not the only, but one of the first, one of
the first rolls. Roth manager to do it too. But
Cadillac went from being the old man's car, right like
we were kids, your dad's Cadillac, you know. Now kids
know Cadillac for the CTSV and the six speed manual transmission,
and they're very fast, high performance cars.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
You know, they do Narberg Ring and all those kind
of things.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
You know. So and that gets the demo down got
a lot of young people going. Because you can get
a Cadillac with a stick shift. You can't even get
Oh that's great. You can't get a carvet anymore with
a stick is that right? You can't do that, but
the Cadillac again, so it makes it pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Are they more expensive to get to buy a stick
shift because they got to make them?
Speaker 3 (07:13):
No, they're about the same. It's about the same. It's
fifty fifty.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Let me ask you a dumb question about about a car.
If if you have a stick shift, do you also
have a transmission.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Well? Yeah, all the stick shift does is shift the transmission.
An automatic shifts to transmission automatically. A stick shift, you're
moving the lever by hand.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
So the so the the transmission in an automatic is
more complicated than a stick shift.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
Uh yeah, yeah, let's yeh.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Let's see. I'm gonna telling you I'm a natural. Yeah
you are a natural? Yes?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
A natural? What nice? But yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:49):
All right. Conway Jay Lano has been with us.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
If you miss any part of it, go back and
listen to the podcast.
Speaker 5 (07:55):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Okay, what would you do with one thousand dollars dollars?
First of all, I would get it.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
I would get ten dollars a year for.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
You take this.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
Yeah, maybe years to pay out. Yeah, I do the
payoff because you get it all one, so you're gonna
go crazy. So yeah, that's what I do. You buy
lottery tickets. No, that's the stupidest things. Idiots buy lottery.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
I remember, Jay, it was Adam Carolla was talking about
a woman who went into a seven to eleven in
a wheelchair oxygen tanks and she's rolling in. She was
give me a super Lotto ticket and he's like, what,
how could that possibly improve your life? It's almost over,
you know, and she's rooting for four hundred million dollars.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
She's hoping for a late ending rally on our life.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
You know, when you were here when the John and
Ken Show was still the John and Ken Show. I
remember you came on. You're on for about a half hour,
very funny, and I think it was still during the
Tonight Show days, and then you left in a steam
car and they were complaining probably Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
First of all, a steam car runs on water, water vapor, okay,
So because and it's a cold day, so plumes of steam.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
He goes lotos. Let those cars polluting.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
It's just polluting everywhere, just putting noxious gases.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
And you know, we gotta do a whatever that shouldn't
be allowed. I'm going, Hey, I was just on your show.
It's a steam car. It's a steam car.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Corolla, you know you're good friends with Yes, he has
another funny line. He said that in two hundred years
from now, somebody, some kid in eighth grade will do
a paper on Jay Leno and jay Leno died in
you know, in twenty seventy two in a steam car accident,
and you'll get a fail on it, you know, because
steam cars went out two hundred years before that.
Speaker 4 (09:43):
That's right, that's correct. Is Carola's got a garage kind
of like yours? Does he hear?
Speaker 3 (09:47):
Yeah, he likes cars. He collects mostly race cars.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
So so in the in terms of your garage and
your garage, it seems like and this I get from
your shows and watching YouTube, like you like these various
stories that go with the car, and you know you
you short of liked cars that have.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
A history because I have a funny story. Yeah, yeah,
he likes race cars. I like, what's the most valuable
one you have? Well, it's probably McLaren F one, because
that's a very valuable car.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
But what's the most sentimental one?
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Well, my fifty five buw Wick. That was the first
guy I bought when I came to the car. You know,
I flew out here to California. You know, I was
sitting at my apartment in Boston, and I was like,
and my friends. I had friends that were wanted to
be comedians as singers, but they're working as weight as
their waitresses, and then they couldn't go to auditions because
they had to work. And I didn't want to be
(10:37):
in that position. I wanted to make my living as
a comedian if I could. I said, you know something,
I just kind of got a plane to go to California.
So I call the airline flight at whatever it is. Okay,
I got it, Okay, I landed lax. I only get
I need a car with so I see the Penny Savers,
I go to the Pennies everything. Oh it's a fifty
five Buwerk. I see where's Winchester. That's about three well
(10:59):
three months, okay, I call the guy that car Sifficilit. Yeah,
is cab take me this addressment win Chess. I get there,
it looked okay, and I thought, well, if I don't
buy it, I got to take a cab back to
the airport and then take a cab to I don't
know what.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
I don't know anybody here.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
So I didn't buy it. So, you know, I was like,
how might say three fifty I'll give you a three
forty five. Ok you know, not really, I was not
really a good day. Yeah, okay. I got the car
and it was a big car so I could live
in the car. So I did, well, that's what I live.
Is that right?
Speaker 4 (11:30):
For?
Speaker 1 (11:30):
How long?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
For?
Speaker 1 (11:31):
Why not? Still?
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Well, you know what I would do and people find this,
it doesn't seem unusual to me. I would search the
paper for open houses. So I'd go to open house
and be like Sunday noon to four. So I get
there at three thirty and I look around. This is
very nice, and then I'd say.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Okay, thank you, thank you very much. Okay.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
I'd shut the door, and then I'd go in like
the hall closet, and I'd just stand there and I'd
wait maybe forty five minutes an hour and the real
to leave and I'd lived in the house for two
three days.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Oh that's great. Have you ever talked about that. I've
never heard of I never know my story.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
I have once in a while, and it was because
in those days, houses didn't this is the seventies. Houses
didn't have alarms, and I didn't. I didn't steal anything
or I didn't you know.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
You're just looking for a warm Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
One day, one day I was there's a house on
cold Water Canyon. Oh, that's a nice house. You know.
It turned out belong to one of the beach boys.
We didn't know which one, but he was selling it.
So I got something in the house, same thing. And
I'm sleeping and I hear the next room. Here was
the master bedroom, and the wife walks in. There goes
someone in the bed. There's no one living, there's someone
(12:38):
in that bed. And the real joy I get out.
Let me, Can I get dressed, get out of the house.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
I'm calling the police.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
That scared me. My guy was not got Yeah, but
that was really the only time I got caught.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Then I lived in a beautiful house.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
On U Up in Beechwood. You know a lot of
great houses in la It was fabulous.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
I'm surprised. People don't don't do that. Still, that's a
great Maybe they do. They're called squatters now. I guess no,
but I would, but you know I didn't. I wasn't.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
I didn't put graffiti on the walls right now they
do that. I would even make the bed, you know,
so it doesn't look like anybody was there.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
And you still have that car. I still have that Yah,
only two payments left.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Yeah, yeah, you know Danica Patrick, you knew that is yeah,
the race car driver. She was asked recently on a podcast,
what type of engine do you have? And she said
she has no idea and they said, well is it?
And she said engine? And what in her in a
race car? And she said she was unaware of whether
it was an eight or twelve cylinder. She knows that little.
(13:36):
She knows as much as I do about cars, yet
she drives, you mean, as little as you do, as
little as I do, and she drives them in the
Indy five hundred. Well, you know, athletes are always athletes.
I remember Walter Peyton, you remember him, sure, Okay? Walter
Payton was not a car guy.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
At all, knew nothing about but he was a gregarious
fellow and a nice guy but a good athlete, and
we became.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Friends with him.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
He said, hey, you should do the Toyota Grand Prix
with us. Oh, that'd be fun. Yeah, okay. So he
comes in and within one day of with the professional driver,
he's matching the track record.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Because he's he's an athlete. His hand eye coordination is unbelievable.
I mean that could break break breaks, like break the
tournamental shifting. I mean he picked it up because he's
an athlete, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
But you know, I also in the same podcast I
was listening to, I didn't know this. Maybe you know
this because you're a big car guy. They only use
in NASCAR, when when you know they do the whatever
the you know, the Coconut five hundred of Pocono five.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
Floor, that's with common Miranda cocon the Cocono that the Coconole.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
They they use the engine for one race, then they
take it out and send it back to you know, Toyota.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
Might tear it down one race. Well, but well they're
that hard on the engines.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
I mean that's wild. That's what it is. Again, everything
is wild, and but it's actually the opposite. It's no,
it is that's wild. J that's good, similar to a
fit thing that's not wild. But then so then he
put mustard on a hamburger.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
That's wild.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
But it's not expensive to tear down. And I mean yes,
it's a very it's a hugely expensive part. And drag
racing they blow up everything, they completely tear the engine out.
It's it's ten twenty thousand dollars a race.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
But but but to have you know, once you're done
with the rays, you know, you get if you win,
you get the milk and the flag and the check
and everything. That's just the start for your pit crew.
They got to now tear that car apart and have
it ready in four days.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Yeah, yeah, we'll make him the show business. Yeah, that's unbelievable,
not wild, but unbelievable. Yeah. Can you stay with us
all right here? Okay?
Speaker 5 (15:41):
God anywhere you're listening to Tim Conway jun you're on
demand from KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Kay, Lana is with us?
Speaker 2 (15:51):
How many motorcycles do you want? Sixty eight, one hundred
and sixty eight?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Well, in case your.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
Crash on you eat something to ride while the other
one's being fixed.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Did you ever get pulled over for going too fast,
exceeding the speed limit.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
No, no, I never seed.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
I imagine you don't have a lot of problems with
the cops. The cops pull you over. Oh it's Jay Leno.
Hey Jay, how you doing nice?
Speaker 4 (16:08):
Well?
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Yeah, but I don't give cops a reason to give
me all the problem. I'm always polite. Permission to speak, officer?
Here what he wants. I mean, that works all the time.
Permission to speak officer, And they go, oh, because it's
really just a matter of respect on you. Yeah, you
know my favorite thing. I love watching YouTube sovereign citizens.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
I'm traveling, I'm not Oh I know a life on
showing your license or registered.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
I don't need to show you because you know, this
is the stupidest.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Before cameras, those guys would have been taken out of
the car. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. And there was
a guy who was traveling down in Deep Arkansas. It's
from New York, and he did one of those California
stops where he blew right through his stop, slowed down,
but he went through it and he gets pulled over
by the cop and the cops says, you know, you
didn't stop at the stop sign. He says, yeah, but
(16:54):
I slowed down and the cop pulls him out, hits
him with the night stick. He goes, we want me
to stop, You want me to slow down? Right there
you go, old time, old school, old school Arkansas.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
You know, I'm Boston.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
I remember my friend Boston cops were It was unbelievable.
We're walking down the street and Abby Hoffman was going
to speak in the Boston common Oh wow. And that
was back in the days when if you said an
obscenity over a microphone you got arrested. It was illegal. Yeah.
So Amos Tucker was his name, and a big tall kid,
and we're walking along. Cop. But hey, where your kid's going?
(17:28):
Going down the comedy? No you're not. You're going back
to you're doing goes, No, you can't make back. Now,
he's got a nice stick, he goes. First of all,
you can put that nice stick away because you're not
allowed to hit me with it. I beat the crap
out of the Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
He goes, where are you going? I'm going back to
my dorm man.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Thank you appreciated.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
There was a there was a bar in Burbank called
the Snug. I don't know if it's still there or not.
And I used to go there and meet friends, but
I leave my car there.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
A lot of guys in that, a lot.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Of guys, most guys mostly dudes.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
But I'd leave my car there and walk home because
I didn't want to get a duy and Burbank they're
pretty strict with that, so i'd walk home. So I
pull up to the bar and this motorcycle cop gets
out and he goes, where are you going. I said,
I'm going into the bar to have a couple of drinks.
He goes, well, I'm gonna be sitting right here when
you come out. I'm going to arrest you for a DUI.
And I said, but I'm going to walk home, because
then you'll be drunk in public. I'll still throw you
(18:20):
in jail. And I said, ah. He said, why don't
you go home and watch the Tonight Show with Jay Lenno. Yeah,
you know what, he said, that was the best advice
you could have give guys promoting the hell out of
your show back.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Who are some of your comedian friends that you hang
out with.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Oh, who's the.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Guy who opens for you all the time?
Speaker 3 (18:39):
The guy Jimmy's great? He worked with me on the
Tonight Show for years A very funny guy, very funny guy.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Did you when you did the Tonight Show? I heard
you did the show, Then everyone went back to your
house and you wrote the monologue for the next night.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Wait, write the monologue from ten to two? Well, you'd
write half the monologue. So when I went in the
next morning at seven or eight, I was prepared. I
had at least enough of it in the can that
could go on with the other parts of the show.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Well, you went to it's seven in the morning. The
leno start tonight.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Yeah, starts pretty early. Wow, because people think I always
remember Chevy Chase. I saw him once. I said, why
are you doing the talk show? He goes, well, you know,
my kids are getting a little older, and I can
go boating with them in the morning and afternoon and
then come in do the show. When do you take
four o'clock? Don't come in three o'clock? And what I mean?
Speaker 4 (19:28):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
I was there from seven until six, and then the
riders for the show up at nine thirty or ten,
and we'd sit till maybe two in the morning and
then go back into the sun. And that was that
was the general routine when there was nothing pressing, but
the monologue was always the best part of the show.
I didn't care what the actors were promoting and all
that stuff, but the monologue was always the best one.
(19:50):
The next time, well, we all, you know, we tried
to do it for as long as we could, because
you tried to make as long as we could because people,
really there weren't enough.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
There were eighteen celebrities in the whole world that meant
rating well. One of them was Barack Obama. Barack Obama
likes to He used to land at Burbank Airport, and
I used to live a block off of Hollywood Way,
and they would shut down Hollywood Way, and these CHP
officers would come down and block these streets and as they,
you know, leap frog each other to block these streets,
they were doing one hundred and thirty hundred and forty
(20:21):
miles an hour on Hollywood Way to get to them.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
I'm trying to remember the guy's name. Anyway, when Barack Obama,
Hillary had the nomination locked up and then this guy
named Barack Obama announced he's running for president. And I said, hey,
this guy just announced he's run the president. Community organizer,
let's let's go. Let's get him. So I call up Brock.
Oh thanks advicing me on the show, flies out here,
(20:44):
gets a rent a car, drives to the tonight show.
His got his jacket over shoulder. He comes there and
but I say, my name is barackosint Obama. I'm running
for president. I state. I said, well, let's see black
guy from Chicago. The middle name was Hussein. I said,
you shouldn't even have to campaign. I think you were sure. Yeah,
And he thought that was funny and we got to
(21:04):
be friends. So he gave me his phone.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Dumber.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
So then he becomes president United States. Next the next
time he comes, the whole parking lot is tinted, so
a satellite cannot see where the presidential limousine goes once
it comes in the parking lot, so it's all tanted. Okay,
that's kind of cool. Oh yeah, so that's the same thing.
And when we have the first time a president was
ever on the show, blah blah blah, you know, in
a late night show. So this is the trouble coming
(21:28):
from a small town having the same idiot friends you
have when you're in eighth grade. I'm with my buddies
and I'm going, yeah, Brock Obama, you gave me his phone.
Dumb nuh, I'm going he gave me his number. I
don't believe it, all right, So I'm gonna up my
phone back. Got my finger over the number. See what
does it say that says President Ied States Barack Obama?
Is he the first c the area code? That's that's Washington?
You go, yeah, but that's nothing. I go, well, you
(21:50):
got the number, let's call him. I go, no, he's
President United States, so he's not gonna take a call.
You don't have the number, I said, all right, And
it's like three o'clock in the afternoon. All right, I
died here Rock here as president. Yeah, Jay Leno, what
gonna do for you?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Jay?
Speaker 3 (22:07):
Just here with some of my buddies. Lose this number.
J Oh, it was great, It was great. Okah, Yeah,
you didn't need anymore. But you don't remember. There was
a senator I'm trying to remember his name who got
arrested for having sex with his babysitter in Illinois. Oh yeah,
(22:31):
what was his name?
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
So he drops out of the race. So Alan Keyes
the African American Republican, he takes his place, running so
the Democrats panic and they go an African American he
could win. We got to find our own African Americans.
So they got the community organist. I have Barack Obama.
So the Barack Obama against Alan Keys.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
That's how that started.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Yeah, not even a contest. So yeah, but if but
if if that guy hadn't slept with the babysitter, he
wouldn't have been president of United States. So it was
story that is wild.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
That's wild. I can say that. That's wild, all right.
Grossmanburn Foundation dot org. Grossmanburn Foundation dot org. Wednesday is
it this?
Speaker 3 (23:09):
What? Well, go to the websday. You know, it's not tomorrow,
it's next to it's a week for Wednesday, and one
hundred percent of the money goes to help you know,
there are so many poor kids and you know, just
single mom that have kids and the kids get these
serious burns. And doctor Grossman will, I mean he can't
cover all the expents himself. All he tails an awful lot.
Uh and just my and your donation will go to
(23:31):
help these children.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Will there be other celebrities other than you?
Speaker 3 (23:33):
There?
Speaker 1 (23:34):
No, it's just me.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
It's just me. I wanted to do it because you
know when I was in the burn center, the nurses
there were so nice to me. We sent them all
to the Bahamas and they went on a vacation. They
had a great time, and it's just nice. You know.
We just don't thank these people enough. And it's no
skin off my nose. I like to tell jokes anyway,
and if it raises money for a good cause, that's
what it is. So it's fun to do.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Can you stay with us because I want you to. Uh,
there's a joke, my favorite joke that you say that
I'd love for you to tell it. What joke is
that the guy at the beach with the potato?
Speaker 4 (24:05):
Oh no, no, But I I like the your favorite
story that I have from you, which involves but I
don't want to tip the story, but in people that
you bumped into outside of your house.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Speaker 4 (24:21):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Yeah, well that's it.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Yeah, that's a long that's that's a story.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
That's another one is when you you thought you were
selling your house to this single woman with a baby.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
You know that, you know that is a great story.
That is so la You always tell that. Now, Yeah, cat,
hang with us.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
It's a bet un orthonox, but I guess it'll be okay.
Speaker 5 (24:38):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from kf
I am six forty.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
Jay Leno is with us.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
All right, can you tell the first of all the story,
the two things, the joke about the guy the speedo,
because I always screw.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
That joke, always screw the joke, right, But I didn't
create the joke. You did.
Speaker 3 (24:57):
It's a joke. The joke is you guys walk on
the guys trying to meet girls?
Speaker 1 (25:03):
How you being not?
Speaker 3 (25:04):
Nothing? Is I can't have any success? I talked to him.
He goes like, here's what you do. Go to the supermarket,
get a potato, put it in the front of your bathings.
You walk around, the girls are okay, guy gets there,
come back. How do you make out terrible? Girls run away?
Why sports put the potato in the front.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Yeah, that's a stupid joke. I heard that joke so
many times, but it's so great.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
So stupid.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
It's such a great visual, the guy walking around with
the potato in the back.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
Of his that's actually not a great it's a disgusting visual.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Actually not great. You always like the the the.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
Alaska one depends on if it's one of the fingerlings
or the you know, the the heavy duty potatoes or
your fringlings.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Yeah, one of those Monty potatoes. What was the Alaska one?
Speaker 3 (25:56):
Oh about it? I said, I'm doing a giggle, doing
a gigg in Alaska. It was February. I remember that
the sun came up at eleven thirty in the morning
and went down one third in the after they had
two hours of sunlight. It's forty degrees below. It's freezing.
You can't even stey out the window. There's so much
frost in the window. Yet, when I went into the
(26:17):
thrifty drug store, the ice cream is still soft. I
don't understand how the ice cream can still be soft.
Such a great, great it was.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
Such a classic great I remember that joke the first
time you told it, you know, and it was it
always stuck with me because everybody has had that.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
You know.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
We've gone to thrifty with the cylinder ice cream, you know,
and it's always soft as hell.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
You know what happened the other night I'm on stage.
I'm talking about when you get to be older, you
lose strength. He was like two percent a year from
age sixty five on and I said, I'm at the
point now where opening a bag of pretzels is like
tearing a phone booking. This guy looked at me, goes,
he's about twenty five, goes, what's a phone book? I said,
(27:05):
you know, a phone book? He goes, No, what do
you mean? A phone book's got everybody's number. He goes,
how do they get everybody's number? Because they have your number?
What how would they get my number?
Speaker 1 (27:18):
He said?
Speaker 3 (27:18):
What if I don't want to be in the phone book?
He said, well, then you pay money, you get an
unlisted you pay not to be a that's illegal. I go,
you know, this conversation is ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
We just end this right now. Hilarious.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Also, one of my favorite stories is when you went
to sell your house and you thought you were selling
it to a single one.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
You know, this is so la. We had a house
in Nichols Canyon. Okay, nice house, and so we're gonna move,
you know, got to tight show. I got to buy
a house in Beverly Hills, you know. Okay, So we
put the house for sale and this people come around.
You know, this woman comes around. He's got a child,
a little boy, maybe six. Oh, mommy, I like to say, okay, okay,
(28:00):
she kind of low bosses, low balls us a little bit,
you know. And I said, well she seemed like she
seems really nice. And your husband, Oh no, I'm a
single mom. I mean, can you afford oh down payment?
All right, okay, So we make a deal for a
little bit late, you know, like twenty grand lesson we know.
Oh okay, fine, So I make the deal and then
(28:21):
my wife says, you know, they got the kid and
we when we bought the house, we had new drapes
put in, but I never had him clean. I said,
let's get to drapes. I go, really yeah, because look
dusty and the kid and you know dustin all right,
So I pull all the drapes down, I get them clean,
hang them back up. They look unbelievable. I said, I
should have done this when I lived here, you know.
(28:42):
So we sell the house. There you go, thank you
very much. So I said, let's go by and see
how they're doing. I come around the corner just as
the bullders's knocking my house down, and I go, well,
what's what what's I said, who lives there? This is
owned by the something of the company. What do you
mean something of the company, and the guy, oh this
she was just a shill. She's buying houses for this,
(29:04):
for this company.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I was like furious.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Also, another great story is I used to live. I
don't know if you still do near. I think it's
sunset or where's the Gay Pride parade?
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Mark?
Speaker 3 (29:21):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
No, that was I'm I've.
Speaker 3 (29:24):
Got my fifty five. I got a fifty seven Buick
Roadmaster convertile black red leather. They're kind of a flashy
car for the fifties. So mor I when I are
driving through and now we're gonna go down to a
pizza place on Santa Michael Bullivard. So we got down
to Santa Michael bullav On the cops here, hold it,
hold it. And he recognized me, and he goes.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
Oh, oh, come on, come on, come on, come on,
I go.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
I go see that honey recognizes me. Well, he doesn't
recognize me. He saw the car and figured I was
in the Gay Prider. So now the guy turns me
and now he guides my car.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Come on, come this way.
Speaker 4 (29:56):
Come on.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Now I'm in the parade.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Down people going to say thanks for coming out.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
I said, yeah, no problem.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
My wife's laugh and they think you're gay and they go, well, yeah,
thank you you're lesbian. Okay, thank you very much, people going, Jay,
thanks for coming.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
No problem.
Speaker 4 (30:12):
Yeah, I love that she's going to get a pizza.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
No three hours in the p yeah yeah really. I
was there for about an hour.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
And once you're in the breaking you can't get out
because people lying on both sides.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
You just have to run the whole route. That is fantastic.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
I mean, my face was was gone.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Oh I've seen pictures of it. It's horrible.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
TMZ had it on like eight seconds after you got burned.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
Oh yeah yeah, TMS was throwing gas on me. Yes, yeah, yeah,
please please. I got to get a text here from
a friend of mine. He asks, is jaylen or Italian?
I think you are? Yes, of course, the best Italian
restaurant in La I'll tell you an Italian story. If
you got a second, well, can you say, yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Yeah, that's a great way to get here. We'd love
to have you stay. We're we're off at seven, so
you know seven, okay, all right, so when we come back,
best Italian restaurant, you've got a great Italians?
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Yeah, okay, all right. And also there's another.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Story you gotta I gotta ask you to tell if
you don't mind, when your dad went to buy his
his car and you added all the million.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
Times, All right.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
Conway Thompson, Jay Leno's Brothers. We're live on KFI AM
six forty Conway Show on demand on the iHeart Radio app.
Now you can always hear us live on KFI AM
six forty four to seven pm Monday through Friday, and
anytime on demand on the iHeart Radio app
It's k IF.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
I am six forty and you're listening to the Conway
Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. But Jay Leno
is with us night. Always nice to see you, young man. Well,
thank you, thank you, and you look great. Well, thank you,
thank you. I'm trying to get money hits.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Oh here where you go?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
And you had a great joke that after you got
burned in your garage and you paid for a new face,
you would tell people you are the new face of comment.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
That's right, I'm the new face of common that's right.
And I was two faced, that's.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Well, that's right. Richard Pryor was he around when you started?
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Yeah, very much.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
So.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
I like Richard, great comic, really the most naturally funny guy.
I mean he would just slay the room just to
kill me, just you know. Yeah, he was. He was
just the best, just the best, truly funny, great facial
expressions too.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
And it's funny because you know, a lot of young
comics don't really know his work because he just did
Live at the Sunset Trip. He's like the first comics
to shoot a stand up special that aired in theaters.
Oh wow, you know, And so that was a big deal.
The HBO thing was sort of new at the time,
so he hadn't done this, So there's not a lot
of his work out there, but just hilarious. That's you
(01:13):
can't repeat most of it, but it's pretty funny.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
I always thought that Jeff Altman was great. Whatever happened
to him.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Jeff I had a long time. Jeff's a very funny guy.
I know, he moved back East, he got married. Yeah,
he was like, you know, all comics are screwed up
in some way, and Jeff certainly takes the title. I
don't mean that insulting way. I just mean because it's
what made him funny. He just that odd, bouncing off
the wall, you know, just very hyper.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
You know, was Norm MacDonald out here or did he
start back east? Was he East Coast comic? Well, he's
from Canada. Norm was, you know, really funny. Nobody made
me laugh like Norm. I remember he used to bring
his mom to see me because I work clean, because
his mom didn't like to go to the comedy clubs.
That ever, they worked Diddy, so I had a good
(02:00):
relationship with him.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
So he takes his mom Tova and he loved to gamble, right,
so they standing line to check in at the hotel,
and it's like maybe twenty people in front of him.
So Norman says, I'm gonna go over to the tables
for a few minutes a mole okay, because the other
table loses all his money. He can't even check in
the hotel. Now he lost everything. Everything on his credit
(02:24):
card he lost. He comes back to his mic.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
We can't say my kind of guy.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Yeah, there you go, my kind of guy.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
Well, here's a gambling job. Guys walking down the strip
in Vegas. He's right at the end of the strip,
you know where they have that sign welcome Only he
sees the guy coming from the desert. You know what's
that The guy crosses the street. So he crosses the
street and then guys coming to him. He crossed and
the other guy guy crossing, So it's inevitable he's gonna
(02:55):
bump to this guy. And the guy sees him trying
to alloid him. He goes look Sarah, so please don't
avoid me. I'm a very successful business memory I come from.
This suit costs thousands of dollars. It's very expensive. I
just had to run a bed like my car broke
down on the outside of town, or were sitting in
the car. I'm walking in here. I'm a successful business men,
worre I come from. I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed of myself.
(03:17):
Can you lend me a hundred dollars? The guy says, well,
if i'd lend you a hundred dollars, I don't know
you won't use it for gambling money.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
I reduce pot, takes a bottle of water bills.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Oh, I got gambling money. No, I got gambling money.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
I'm okay and somewhat true. Right, yeah, guys will, but
you know, wait until the end like we used to.
I remember I was at Mandalay Bay and I was gambling,
probably spending twenty five dollars a hand in blackjack like
an idiot. And my wife always said, if we're going
to drink, you gotta eat, and so she always made
(03:54):
sure we had something to eat before we got you know,
we went to bed. So she goes, let's go to
the coffee shop like a christ all right, So we
go to the coffee shop. She gets I don't know,
burger or tacos or something, and then she asked the waiter,
can I get a side of sour cream, and I
said to the waiter, I said, hey, how much is
the side of sour cream? And he said it's fifty cents.
(04:16):
I said, okay, well, let's go ahead and get that
done with the hell. And then the waiter leaves and
my wife said, at what point were you not going to.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Okay the side of sour cream.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
You're spending twenty five or fifty dollars a hand on
blackjack and I couldn't.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Get a dollar of sour cream because of you.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Well, let's say like the guy gets in an elevator,
a husband and wife are arguing. You know, the wife's crying.
The guy goes, you lost five hundred and I gave
you five hundred dollars, you lost five What are your
n You're stupid?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
And she goes, but you lost five thousand dollars. Yeah,
but I know how to gamble. Hey, you said you
also said you have a great golf joke.
Speaker 3 (04:54):
Oh I like this, Well, I mentioned because you talk
about a woman who's corbroke. That's right. This guy's Saturday
goes out to play golf and he's running a little
bit late on his way home and sees a woman with.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
A flat tire frantic, Oh, not waving. Okay, well I
got a flat.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
I just looked a mile. I'll help you. He changed
the time for anything. Get ready to go. She goes,
I'll put you put the spar in the back and
he go. She goes, okay, can you follow me home? Well,
you gotta spread that. Well if I get another flat,
he said, it's only a musha. Well I'm just worried,
all right, Okay, so he follows her home. They pull
in the driveway. He goes, there, go you're all sad.
She goes, can I offer you a drink? Well, I
(05:29):
got my wife's waiting. I got just one drinking. All right,
it's the guy that has a drink, has another drink.
They start talking. Next you know, they wind up in bed.
They're having sex. Okay, Now it's eleven o'clock at night.
The guy's driving home, going, what a jerk, What an idiot?
I ruined my marriage. You know, I'm not gonna be
a hypocrite. When I get in, I'm just gonna tell
(05:52):
my off what happened. If she wants to divorce me,
that's fine. I'm not going to live alone. He pulls
in the driver the wife's in the driveway with their
arms fold.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
She goes, where are you?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
I was coming home on FA fixed it for then
she wanted me to follow her home. I said, okay,
I said, here you go. Said, she goes, come in,
have a drink. I said, why can just one drink?
Just to say thing? Said? We had a drink, had
another drink. We wound up in bed and we other sex.
He says, you're a damn liar. You're playing another round
with golf. It's a stupid show.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
That's fantastic. Can you stay? You've gotta go, No, I
gotta go now. Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
You know what I also read recently, maybe maybe I
heard this from you. The Cadillac is the only company,
I think worldwide that lowered its demo.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
Not the only, but one of the first, one of
the first rolls. Roth manager to do it too. But
Cadillac went from being the old man's car, right like
we were kids, your dad's Cadillac, you know. Now kids
know Cadillac for the CTSV and the six speed manual transmission,
and they're very fast, high performance cars.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
You know, they do Narberg Ring and all those kind
of things.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
You know. So and that gets the demo down got
a lot of young people going. Because you can get
a Cadillac with a stick shift. You can't even get
Oh that's great. You can't get a carvet anymore with
a stick is that right? You can't do that, but
the Cadillac again, so it makes it pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Are they more expensive to get to buy a stick
shift because they got to make them?
Speaker 3 (07:13):
No, they're about the same. It's about the same. It's
fifty fifty.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Let me ask you a dumb question about about a car.
If if you have a stick shift, do you also
have a transmission.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Well? Yeah, all the stick shift does is shift the transmission.
An automatic shifts to transmission automatically. A stick shift, you're
moving the lever by hand.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
So the so the the transmission in an automatic is
more complicated than a stick shift.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
Uh yeah, yeah, let's yeh.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Let's see. I'm gonna telling you I'm a natural. Yeah
you are a natural? Yes?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
A natural? What nice? But yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:49):
All right. Conway Jay Lano has been with us.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
If you miss any part of it, go back and
listen to the podcast.
Speaker 5 (07:55):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Okay, what would you do with one thousand dollars dollars?
First of all, I would get it.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
I would get ten dollars a year for.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
You take this.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
Yeah, maybe years to pay out. Yeah, I do the
payoff because you get it all one, so you're gonna
go crazy. So yeah, that's what I do. You buy
lottery tickets. No, that's the stupidest things. Idiots buy lottery.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
I remember, Jay, it was Adam Carolla was talking about
a woman who went into a seven to eleven in
a wheelchair oxygen tanks and she's rolling in. She was
give me a super Lotto ticket and he's like, what,
how could that possibly improve your life? It's almost over,
you know, and she's rooting for four hundred million dollars.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
She's hoping for a late ending rally on our life.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
You know, when you were here when the John and
Ken Show was still the John and Ken Show. I
remember you came on. You're on for about a half hour,
very funny, and I think it was still during the
Tonight Show days, and then you left in a steam
car and they were complaining probably Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
First of all, a steam car runs on water, water vapor, okay,
So because and it's a cold day, so plumes of steam.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
He goes lotos. Let those cars polluting.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
It's just polluting everywhere, just putting noxious gases.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
And you know, we gotta do a whatever that shouldn't
be allowed. I'm going, Hey, I was just on your show.
It's a steam car. It's a steam car.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Corolla, you know you're good friends with Yes, he has
another funny line. He said that in two hundred years
from now, somebody, some kid in eighth grade will do
a paper on Jay Leno and jay Leno died in
you know, in twenty seventy two in a steam car accident,
and you'll get a fail on it, you know, because
steam cars went out two hundred years before that.
Speaker 4 (09:43):
That's right, that's correct. Is Carola's got a garage kind
of like yours? Does he hear?
Speaker 3 (09:47):
Yeah, he likes cars. He collects mostly race cars.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
So so in the in terms of your garage and
your garage, it seems like and this I get from
your shows and watching YouTube, like you like these various
stories that go with the car, and you know you
you short of liked cars that have.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
A history because I have a funny story. Yeah, yeah,
he likes race cars. I like, what's the most valuable
one you have? Well, it's probably McLaren F one, because
that's a very valuable car.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
But what's the most sentimental one?
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Well, my fifty five buw Wick. That was the first
guy I bought when I came to the car. You know,
I flew out here to California. You know, I was
sitting at my apartment in Boston, and I was like,
and my friends. I had friends that were wanted to
be comedians as singers, but they're working as weight as
their waitresses, and then they couldn't go to auditions because
they had to work. And I didn't want to be
(10:37):
in that position. I wanted to make my living as
a comedian if I could. I said, you know something,
I just kind of got a plane to go to California.
So I call the airline flight at whatever it is. Okay,
I got it, Okay, I landed lax. I only get
I need a car with so I see the Penny Savers,
I go to the Pennies everything. Oh it's a fifty
five Buwerk. I see where's Winchester. That's about three well
(10:59):
three months, okay, I call the guy that car Sifficilit. Yeah,
is cab take me this addressment win Chess. I get there,
it looked okay, and I thought, well, if I don't
buy it, I got to take a cab back to
the airport and then take a cab to I don't
know what.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
I don't know anybody here.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
So I didn't buy it. So, you know, I was like,
how might say three fifty I'll give you a three
forty five. Ok you know, not really, I was not
really a good day. Yeah, okay. I got the car
and it was a big car so I could live
in the car. So I did, well, that's what I live.
Is that right?
Speaker 4 (11:30):
For?
Speaker 1 (11:30):
How long?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
For?
Speaker 1 (11:31):
Why not? Still?
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Well, you know what I would do and people find this,
it doesn't seem unusual to me. I would search the
paper for open houses. So I'd go to open house
and be like Sunday noon to four. So I get
there at three thirty and I look around. This is
very nice, and then I'd say.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Okay, thank you, thank you very much. Okay.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
I'd shut the door, and then I'd go in like
the hall closet, and I'd just stand there and I'd
wait maybe forty five minutes an hour and the real
to leave and I'd lived in the house for two
three days.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Oh that's great. Have you ever talked about that. I've
never heard of I never know my story.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
I have once in a while, and it was because
in those days, houses didn't this is the seventies. Houses
didn't have alarms, and I didn't. I didn't steal anything
or I didn't you know.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
You're just looking for a warm Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
One day, one day I was there's a house on
cold Water Canyon. Oh, that's a nice house. You know.
It turned out belong to one of the beach boys.
We didn't know which one, but he was selling it.
So I got something in the house, same thing. And
I'm sleeping and I hear the next room. Here was
the master bedroom, and the wife walks in. There goes
someone in the bed. There's no one living, there's someone
(12:38):
in that bed. And the real joy I get out.
Let me, Can I get dressed, get out of the house.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
I'm calling the police.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
That scared me. My guy was not got Yeah, but
that was really the only time I got caught.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Then I lived in a beautiful house.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
On U Up in Beechwood. You know a lot of
great houses in la It was fabulous.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
I'm surprised. People don't don't do that. Still, that's a
great Maybe they do. They're called squatters now. I guess no,
but I would, but you know I didn't. I wasn't.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
I didn't put graffiti on the walls right now they
do that. I would even make the bed, you know,
so it doesn't look like anybody was there.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
And you still have that car. I still have that Yah,
only two payments left.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Yeah, yeah, you know Danica Patrick, you knew that is yeah,
the race car driver. She was asked recently on a podcast,
what type of engine do you have? And she said
she has no idea and they said, well is it?
And she said engine? And what in her in a
race car? And she said she was unaware of whether
it was an eight or twelve cylinder. She knows that little.
(13:36):
She knows as much as I do about cars, yet
she drives, you mean, as little as you do, as
little as I do, and she drives them in the
Indy five hundred. Well, you know, athletes are always athletes.
I remember Walter Peyton, you remember him, sure, Okay? Walter
Payton was not a car guy.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
At all, knew nothing about but he was a gregarious
fellow and a nice guy but a good athlete, and
we became.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Friends with him.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
He said, hey, you should do the Toyota Grand Prix
with us. Oh, that'd be fun. Yeah, okay. So he
comes in and within one day of with the professional driver,
he's matching the track record.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Because he's he's an athlete. His hand eye coordination is unbelievable.
I mean that could break break breaks, like break the
tournamental shifting. I mean he picked it up because he's
an athlete, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
But you know, I also in the same podcast I
was listening to, I didn't know this. Maybe you know
this because you're a big car guy. They only use
in NASCAR, when when you know they do the whatever
the you know, the Coconut five hundred of Pocono five.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
Floor, that's with common Miranda cocon the Cocono that the Coconole.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
They they use the engine for one race, then they
take it out and send it back to you know, Toyota.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
Might tear it down one race. Well, but well they're
that hard on the engines.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
I mean that's wild. That's what it is. Again, everything
is wild, and but it's actually the opposite. It's no,
it is that's wild. J that's good, similar to a
fit thing that's not wild. But then so then he
put mustard on a hamburger.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
That's wild.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
But it's not expensive to tear down. And I mean yes,
it's a very it's a hugely expensive part. And drag
racing they blow up everything, they completely tear the engine out.
It's it's ten twenty thousand dollars a race.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
But but but to have you know, once you're done
with the rays, you know, you get if you win,
you get the milk and the flag and the check
and everything. That's just the start for your pit crew.
They got to now tear that car apart and have
it ready in four days.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Yeah, yeah, we'll make him the show business. Yeah, that's unbelievable,
not wild, but unbelievable. Yeah. Can you stay with us
all right here? Okay?
Speaker 5 (15:41):
God anywhere you're listening to Tim Conway jun you're on
demand from KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Kay, Lana is with us?
Speaker 2 (15:51):
How many motorcycles do you want? Sixty eight, one hundred
and sixty eight?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Well, in case your.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
Crash on you eat something to ride while the other
one's being fixed.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Did you ever get pulled over for going too fast,
exceeding the speed limit.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
No, no, I never seed.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
I imagine you don't have a lot of problems with
the cops. The cops pull you over. Oh it's Jay Leno.
Hey Jay, how you doing nice?
Speaker 4 (16:08):
Well?
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Yeah, but I don't give cops a reason to give
me all the problem. I'm always polite. Permission to speak, officer?
Here what he wants. I mean, that works all the time.
Permission to speak officer, And they go, oh, because it's
really just a matter of respect on you. Yeah, you
know my favorite thing. I love watching YouTube sovereign citizens.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
I'm traveling, I'm not Oh I know a life on
showing your license or registered.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
I don't need to show you because you know, this
is the stupidest.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Before cameras, those guys would have been taken out of
the car. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. And there was
a guy who was traveling down in Deep Arkansas. It's
from New York, and he did one of those California
stops where he blew right through his stop, slowed down,
but he went through it and he gets pulled over
by the cop and the cops says, you know, you
didn't stop at the stop sign. He says, yeah, but
(16:54):
I slowed down and the cop pulls him out, hits
him with the night stick. He goes, we want me
to stop, You want me to slow down? Right there
you go, old time, old school, old school Arkansas.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
You know, I'm Boston.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
I remember my friend Boston cops were It was unbelievable.
We're walking down the street and Abby Hoffman was going
to speak in the Boston common Oh wow. And that
was back in the days when if you said an
obscenity over a microphone you got arrested. It was illegal. Yeah.
So Amos Tucker was his name, and a big tall kid,
and we're walking along. Cop. But hey, where your kid's going?
(17:28):
Going down the comedy? No you're not. You're going back
to you're doing goes, No, you can't make back. Now,
he's got a nice stick, he goes. First of all,
you can put that nice stick away because you're not
allowed to hit me with it. I beat the crap
out of the Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
He goes, where are you going? I'm going back to
my dorm man.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Thank you appreciated.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
There was a there was a bar in Burbank called
the Snug. I don't know if it's still there or not.
And I used to go there and meet friends, but
I leave my car there.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
A lot of guys in that, a lot.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Of guys, most guys mostly dudes.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
But I'd leave my car there and walk home because
I didn't want to get a duy and Burbank they're
pretty strict with that, so i'd walk home. So I
pull up to the bar and this motorcycle cop gets
out and he goes, where are you going. I said,
I'm going into the bar to have a couple of drinks.
He goes, well, I'm gonna be sitting right here when
you come out. I'm going to arrest you for a DUI.
And I said, but I'm going to walk home, because
then you'll be drunk in public. I'll still throw you
(18:20):
in jail. And I said, ah. He said, why don't
you go home and watch the Tonight Show with Jay Lenno. Yeah,
you know what, he said, that was the best advice
you could have give guys promoting the hell out of
your show back.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Who are some of your comedian friends that you hang
out with.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Oh, who's the.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Guy who opens for you all the time?
Speaker 3 (18:39):
The guy Jimmy's great? He worked with me on the
Tonight Show for years A very funny guy, very funny guy.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Did you when you did the Tonight Show? I heard
you did the show, Then everyone went back to your
house and you wrote the monologue for the next night.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Wait, write the monologue from ten to two? Well, you'd
write half the monologue. So when I went in the
next morning at seven or eight, I was prepared. I
had at least enough of it in the can that
could go on with the other parts of the show.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Well, you went to it's seven in the morning. The
leno start tonight.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Yeah, starts pretty early. Wow, because people think I always
remember Chevy Chase. I saw him once. I said, why
are you doing the talk show? He goes, well, you know,
my kids are getting a little older, and I can
go boating with them in the morning and afternoon and
then come in do the show. When do you take
four o'clock? Don't come in three o'clock? And what I mean?
Speaker 4 (19:28):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
I was there from seven until six, and then the
riders for the show up at nine thirty or ten,
and we'd sit till maybe two in the morning and
then go back into the sun. And that was that
was the general routine when there was nothing pressing, but
the monologue was always the best part of the show.
I didn't care what the actors were promoting and all
that stuff, but the monologue was always the best one.
(19:50):
The next time, well, we all, you know, we tried
to do it for as long as we could, because
you tried to make as long as we could because people,
really there weren't enough.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
There were eighteen celebrities in the whole world that meant
rating well. One of them was Barack Obama. Barack Obama
likes to He used to land at Burbank Airport, and
I used to live a block off of Hollywood Way,
and they would shut down Hollywood Way, and these CHP
officers would come down and block these streets and as they,
you know, leap frog each other to block these streets,
they were doing one hundred and thirty hundred and forty
(20:21):
miles an hour on Hollywood Way to get to them.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
I'm trying to remember the guy's name. Anyway, when Barack Obama,
Hillary had the nomination locked up and then this guy
named Barack Obama announced he's running for president. And I said, hey,
this guy just announced he's run the president. Community organizer,
let's let's go. Let's get him. So I call up Brock.
Oh thanks advicing me on the show, flies out here,
(20:44):
gets a rent a car, drives to the tonight show.
His got his jacket over shoulder. He comes there and
but I say, my name is barackosint Obama. I'm running
for president. I state. I said, well, let's see black
guy from Chicago. The middle name was Hussein. I said,
you shouldn't even have to campaign. I think you were sure. Yeah,
And he thought that was funny and we got to
(21:04):
be friends. So he gave me his phone.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Dumber.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
So then he becomes president United States. Next the next
time he comes, the whole parking lot is tinted, so
a satellite cannot see where the presidential limousine goes once
it comes in the parking lot, so it's all tanted. Okay,
that's kind of cool. Oh yeah, so that's the same thing.
And when we have the first time a president was
ever on the show, blah blah blah, you know, in
a late night show. So this is the trouble coming
(21:28):
from a small town having the same idiot friends you
have when you're in eighth grade. I'm with my buddies
and I'm going, yeah, Brock Obama, you gave me his phone.
Dumb nuh, I'm going he gave me his number. I
don't believe it, all right, So I'm gonna up my
phone back. Got my finger over the number. See what
does it say that says President Ied States Barack Obama?
Is he the first c the area code? That's that's Washington?
You go, yeah, but that's nothing. I go, well, you
(21:50):
got the number, let's call him. I go, no, he's
President United States, so he's not gonna take a call.
You don't have the number, I said, all right, And
it's like three o'clock in the afternoon. All right, I
died here Rock here as president. Yeah, Jay Leno, what
gonna do for you?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Jay?
Speaker 3 (22:07):
Just here with some of my buddies. Lose this number.
J Oh, it was great, It was great. Okah, Yeah,
you didn't need anymore. But you don't remember. There was
a senator I'm trying to remember his name who got
arrested for having sex with his babysitter in Illinois. Oh yeah,
(22:31):
what was his name?
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
So he drops out of the race. So Alan Keyes
the African American Republican, he takes his place, running so
the Democrats panic and they go an African American he
could win. We got to find our own African Americans.
So they got the community organist. I have Barack Obama.
So the Barack Obama against Alan Keys.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
That's how that started.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Yeah, not even a contest. So yeah, but if but
if if that guy hadn't slept with the babysitter, he
wouldn't have been president of United States. So it was
story that is wild.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
That's wild. I can say that. That's wild, all right.
Grossmanburn Foundation dot org. Grossmanburn Foundation dot org. Wednesday is
it this?
Speaker 3 (23:09):
What? Well, go to the websday. You know, it's not tomorrow,
it's next to it's a week for Wednesday, and one
hundred percent of the money goes to help you know,
there are so many poor kids and you know, just
single mom that have kids and the kids get these
serious burns. And doctor Grossman will, I mean he can't
cover all the expents himself. All he tails an awful lot.
Uh and just my and your donation will go to
(23:31):
help these children.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Will there be other celebrities other than you?
Speaker 3 (23:33):
There?
Speaker 1 (23:34):
No, it's just me.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
It's just me. I wanted to do it because you
know when I was in the burn center, the nurses
there were so nice to me. We sent them all
to the Bahamas and they went on a vacation. They
had a great time, and it's just nice. You know.
We just don't thank these people enough. And it's no
skin off my nose. I like to tell jokes anyway,
and if it raises money for a good cause, that's
what it is. So it's fun to do.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Can you stay with us because I want you to. Uh,
there's a joke, my favorite joke that you say that
I'd love for you to tell it. What joke is
that the guy at the beach with the potato?
Speaker 4 (24:05):
Oh no, no, But I I like the your favorite
story that I have from you, which involves but I
don't want to tip the story, but in people that
you bumped into outside of your house.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Speaker 4 (24:21):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Yeah, well that's it.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Yeah, that's a long that's that's a story.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
That's another one is when you you thought you were
selling your house to this single woman with a baby.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
You know that, you know that is a great story.
That is so la You always tell that. Now, Yeah, cat,
hang with us.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
It's a bet un orthonox, but I guess it'll be okay.
Speaker 5 (24:38):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from kf
I am six forty.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
Jay Leno is with us.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
All right, can you tell the first of all the story,
the two things, the joke about the guy the speedo,
because I always screw.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
That joke, always screw the joke, right, But I didn't
create the joke. You did.
Speaker 3 (24:57):
It's a joke. The joke is you guys walk on
the guys trying to meet girls?
Speaker 1 (25:03):
How you being not?
Speaker 3 (25:04):
Nothing? Is I can't have any success? I talked to him.
He goes like, here's what you do. Go to the supermarket,
get a potato, put it in the front of your bathings.
You walk around, the girls are okay, guy gets there,
come back. How do you make out terrible? Girls run away?
Why sports put the potato in the front.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Yeah, that's a stupid joke. I heard that joke so
many times, but it's so great.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
So stupid.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
It's such a great visual, the guy walking around with
the potato in the back.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
Of his that's actually not a great it's a disgusting visual.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Actually not great. You always like the the the.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
Alaska one depends on if it's one of the fingerlings
or the you know, the the heavy duty potatoes or
your fringlings.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Yeah, one of those Monty potatoes. What was the Alaska one?
Speaker 3 (25:56):
Oh about it? I said, I'm doing a giggle, doing
a gigg in Alaska. It was February. I remember that
the sun came up at eleven thirty in the morning
and went down one third in the after they had
two hours of sunlight. It's forty degrees below. It's freezing.
You can't even stey out the window. There's so much
frost in the window. Yet, when I went into the
(26:17):
thrifty drug store, the ice cream is still soft. I
don't understand how the ice cream can still be soft.
Such a great, great it was.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
Such a classic great I remember that joke the first
time you told it, you know, and it was it
always stuck with me because everybody has had that.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
You know.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
We've gone to thrifty with the cylinder ice cream, you know,
and it's always soft as hell.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
You know what happened the other night I'm on stage.
I'm talking about when you get to be older, you
lose strength. He was like two percent a year from
age sixty five on and I said, I'm at the
point now where opening a bag of pretzels is like
tearing a phone booking. This guy looked at me, goes,
he's about twenty five, goes, what's a phone book? I said,
(27:05):
you know, a phone book? He goes, No, what do
you mean? A phone book's got everybody's number. He goes,
how do they get everybody's number? Because they have your number?
What how would they get my number?
Speaker 1 (27:18):
He said?
Speaker 3 (27:18):
What if I don't want to be in the phone book?
He said, well, then you pay money, you get an
unlisted you pay not to be a that's illegal. I go,
you know, this conversation is ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
We just end this right now. Hilarious.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Also, one of my favorite stories is when you went
to sell your house and you thought you were selling
it to a single one.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
You know, this is so la. We had a house
in Nichols Canyon. Okay, nice house, and so we're gonna move,
you know, got to tight show. I got to buy
a house in Beverly Hills, you know. Okay, So we
put the house for sale and this people come around.
You know, this woman comes around. He's got a child,
a little boy, maybe six. Oh, mommy, I like to say, okay, okay,
(28:00):
she kind of low bosses, low balls us a little bit,
you know. And I said, well she seemed like she
seems really nice. And your husband, Oh no, I'm a
single mom. I mean, can you afford oh down payment?
All right, okay, So we make a deal for a
little bit late, you know, like twenty grand lesson we know.
Oh okay, fine, So I make the deal and then
(28:21):
my wife says, you know, they got the kid and
we when we bought the house, we had new drapes
put in, but I never had him clean. I said,
let's get to drapes. I go, really yeah, because look
dusty and the kid and you know dustin all right,
So I pull all the drapes down, I get them clean,
hang them back up. They look unbelievable. I said, I
should have done this when I lived here, you know.
(28:42):
So we sell the house. There you go, thank you
very much. So I said, let's go by and see
how they're doing. I come around the corner just as
the bullders's knocking my house down, and I go, well,
what's what what's I said, who lives there? This is
owned by the something of the company. What do you
mean something of the company, and the guy, oh this
she was just a shill. She's buying houses for this,
(29:04):
for this company.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I was like furious.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Also, another great story is I used to live. I
don't know if you still do near. I think it's
sunset or where's the Gay Pride parade?
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Mark?
Speaker 3 (29:21):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
No, that was I'm I've.
Speaker 3 (29:24):
Got my fifty five. I got a fifty seven Buick
Roadmaster convertile black red leather. They're kind of a flashy
car for the fifties. So mor I when I are
driving through and now we're gonna go down to a
pizza place on Santa Michael Bullivard. So we got down
to Santa Michael bullav On the cops here, hold it,
hold it. And he recognized me, and he goes.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
Oh, oh, come on, come on, come on, come on,
I go.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
I go see that honey recognizes me. Well, he doesn't
recognize me. He saw the car and figured I was
in the Gay Prider. So now the guy turns me
and now he guides my car.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Come on, come this way.
Speaker 4 (29:56):
Come on.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Now I'm in the parade.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Down people going to say thanks for coming out.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
I said, yeah, no problem.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
My wife's laugh and they think you're gay and they go, well, yeah,
thank you you're lesbian. Okay, thank you very much, people going, Jay,
thanks for coming.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
No problem.
Speaker 4 (30:12):
Yeah, I love that she's going to get a pizza.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
No three hours in the p yeah yeah really. I
was there for about an hour.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
And once you're in the breaking you can't get out
because people lying on both sides.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
You just have to run the whole route. That is fantastic.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
I mean, my face was was gone.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Oh I've seen pictures of it. It's horrible.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
TMZ had it on like eight seconds after you got burned.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
Oh yeah yeah, TMS was throwing gas on me. Yes, yeah, yeah,
please please. I got to get a text here from
a friend of mine. He asks, is jaylen or Italian?
I think you are? Yes, of course, the best Italian
restaurant in La I'll tell you an Italian story. If
you got a second, well, can you say, yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Yeah, that's a great way to get here. We'd love
to have you stay. We're we're off at seven, so
you know seven, okay, all right, so when we come back,
best Italian restaurant, you've got a great Italians?
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Yeah, okay, all right. And also there's another.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Story you gotta I gotta ask you to tell if
you don't mind, when your dad went to buy his
his car and you added all the million.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
Times, All right.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
Conway Thompson, Jay Leno's Brothers. We're live on KFI AM
six forty Conway Show on demand on the iHeart Radio app.
Now you can always hear us live on KFI AM
six forty four to seven pm Monday through Friday, and
anytime on demand on the iHeart Radio app
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