June 12, 2025 • 31 mins
Morgan opens this Talk Back Thursday with a meditation honoring the legendary Josephine Baker—entertainer, activist, spy, and mother—whose life embodied radical care. Then, Vanessa leads a lesson on end-of-life planning, offering guidance on navigating difficult conversations with compassion and intention. Nyra returns to uplift trekker testimonies, sharing wisdom and advice from the GirlTrek community. This episode is a call to prepare, to honor, and to hold space for life and death.
Morgan and Vanessa are not estate planners or legal experts, Please consult legal counsel for guidance tailored to your end-of-life-care needs.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
We are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The disrespected person in America is the black woman, but
still like dust all. Right, pretty girls in the VIP.
(00:30):
The. Revolution will.
Not be televised, brother. You are by the.
New Joe John. Even if you are not ready for
the day, it cannot. Always be night.
(01:02):
Welcome to self-care School everybody.
I am Morgan and I am joined on the line by Vanessa and by Next
Gen. Naira.
Are you there? Yes, yes.
Hey y'all. Hey y'all, listen, it is talk
back Thursday, everybody's favorite day where we hear the
voices of our members. We're going to get right into
it. We have two more life saving
(01:24):
skills. Evan S is going to deliver the
instruction around. But we begin as we always do on
our front porches where all the secrets get solved.
Y'all, all of the problems of the world get solved on black
women's front porches. So step out there, feel the
breeze on your skin, feel the sun on your face, and know that
(01:45):
we are the daughters of some legendary women, some caretakers
all around the world. And today we celebrate the one,
the only, Josephine Baker. Josephine Baker, we are the
daughters of Josephine Baker. Get yourself settled on your
porch as I share that Josephine Baker was an American born
(02:06):
French entertainer. She went over and became a
citizen of France where she was a civil rights activist here in
America, but also a glamorous performer all around the world
and a bold member of the resistance.
The resistance in France where she earned a medal for being a
spy during World War 1. So she we know many of those
(02:29):
parts about Josephine Baker. We picture her and her banana
skirt and her slick, conked beautiful hair in those waves.
But what many people don't know is that Josephine Baker adopted
12 children from different ethnic backgrounds, and she
called them her Rainbow Tribe. And she wanted to demonstrate to
the world that we could love oneanother.
And so for caretakers and beautiful, beautiful women who
(02:54):
bring children and kins and kinfolk into their homes, we
want to dedicate today's meditation to Josephine Baker.
And so rather than leading you throughout meditation, I wanted
to bring in her voice where she's going to sing a song.
But I want you to stand firm before we play her her song.
And I want you to roll your shoulders up to your ears and
(03:17):
bring them back down your back. I want you to take a deep breath
in and a breath out now. I want you to shake your
shoulders. I want you to bring your
(03:37):
shoulders forward, backwards, short, forwards, backwards,
forwards, backwards. Like a shimmy.
Like shake your shimmy and you can move side to side.
If you squat your legs a little bit, you can move to the left
and to the right without liftingyour heels off the ground and
just shake your shoulders. We're going to listen to the
voice of Josephine Baker. And then once you start singing,
(03:57):
my challenge to you is to dance on your porch.
You can shake your shimmy. You can shake your hips.
You can stomp your feet. You can clap your hands.
But I just want you to dance lightly.
Oh yes, I've got a song that talks about happiness and
smiling. And I think that people in
general, Eric, they can be happyvery often if they can be able
(04:21):
to make themselves smile under various situations and
complications. I'm going to sing a song called
Surreer Al Avi. Smile.
Even if you don't want to. So, Eric?
(05:09):
I hope you guys are shaking yourshimmy.
I was all shaking my shimmy dancing 2 step in.
Vanessa, are you there? Should we move to the driveway?
I am here and we absolutely should move to the driveway.
I love Josephine Baker. I feel like she's one of my
family members because she's from Saint Louis and that's
where my family was from and shekind of looks like them a little
(05:29):
bit. So all right y'all, let's move
to the driveway. It's Talkback Thursday.
We're going to hear from y'all in just a minute and hear what
how you've been feeling about self-care school.
We're in a week where we're talking about caregiving.
And I was thinking more again, like, what do I think is really
important for people As we're getting ready to close out this
(05:52):
week, We'll only have for MotherFriday tomorrow.
And I wanted to have an episode where we break the silence that
leaves our families unprepared and often traumatized.
And it's the silence of not talking about death, which
becomes some of our greatest caregiving responsibilities,
which is to shepherd people through the last stages of their
(06:12):
lives and how unprepared a lot of us off for it.
And so I want this episode to beabout replacing fear and
replacing confusion with clarity.
And to think about what we're going to leave behind and how
we're going to help each other and how we're going to be
caregiving. So we're going to learn two life
(06:34):
saving skills today, how to start honest conversations about
end of life care and how to create a dignity First legacy
plan. So let's step into our driveway
for a few audit questions just to help us to ground in this
episode before we get into the lessons today.
The first question is, if you'venever shared what you want to
(06:57):
happen to you after you die withthe loved one or friend, take a
step back. The second question is if you
have a will or if you have namedsomeone to make medical
decisions on your behalf, take astep forward.
If the thought of talking about death scares you, take a step
(07:17):
back. If you have thought about the
legacy you want to leave behind,take a step forward.
If you've ever witnessed someonepast without their wishes being
honored, I want you to take a step back.
If you've written a letter or recorded a voice note or created
(07:39):
something to comfort your loved ones who might be transitioning
or going through a chronic illness, take a step forward.
It's going to be a really good episode.
I'm going to introduce some goodskills.
But before I even get into thoseskills, Naira, I do want to
bring you on and I want to hear first how women are feeling
about self-care school. I've been talking and walking
(08:00):
and talking with women and hearing from them.
I know Morgan has as well. I know people have been in our
DMS and in our inboxes, but whathave you been hearing out there
and what have you brought for ustoday?
So today I'm so grateful for just sisterhood when, you know,
we have sisters that actually, you know, we talk and they
listen, but there's also sistersthat come with solution to our
(08:23):
problem. And so some sisters have given
us some advice and resources or offered to be a resource to
other women in the movement on some things we've already talked
about in the past couple weeks. And also a question has been
posed that I think is will probably align with what we're
talking about today, so we can bring in those voices.
I loved your episode on the police and keeping us safe.
(08:47):
I have another tip for you. Go to the DMV and get a
replacement license and copy your registration and insurance
card. Place them in your sun visor.
This way if you get pulled over by the police, you don't have to
reach in your glove compartment or in your back pocket for your
(09:08):
driver's license. All you have to do is flip down
your sun visor and everything isthere.
This may be a life saving tip. Greetings, Vanessa Morgan and
the Girl Track family. My name is Anita.
I just wanted to leave this message.
(09:28):
I'm trying to get caught up on the episodes.
I just have a few comments. One is I can contribute to Girl
Track. I'm a financial coach.
I've helped people get out of debt.
I live a debt free lifestyle andI like helping people do better
(09:49):
with their money. I'd be willing to coach or help
anyone that needed it. And I'm also willing to help
contribute to people who are about to lose their family
properties because of past due tax bills.
And I'm willing to contribute tothat effort.
And if you could just let me know how I'd be willing to do
(10:11):
that, My e-mail is justuseanita@gmail.com.
Thank you. Justuseanita@gmail.com Just.
Use Anita. Yeah, Thank you for offering
your services, Sister. I love our community, Morgan.
I love the feedback that we've been getting.
Well, thank you, Naira. Thank you for sharing those
voices. Ladies, if you are out there and
you are listening, if you have questions for us, if you have
(10:32):
feedback, if you have input, if you have resources to share, you
can go to myselfcare School com.You can access the classroom.
You can Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you can
share your thoughts with us. So all right, Morgan, you know
what I was just thinking Morgan,did you know that Josephine
Baker is actually speaking aboutdeath?
She's one of I think only two black.
(10:53):
She had a full French military funeral and she's buried in the
pantheon and she's one of I think only one of two black
women ever buried in the pantheon.
And I was when you, I didn't know you were going to do a
meditation on her. But it's part of today's
conversation, which is have you yourself thought about what type
(11:15):
of farewell service you want to have when you or experience that
you want to have when you pass away?
I have. I have.
Well, you get a Gold Star Morganbecause not only have you
thought about what you want to have happen, but most
importantly, you've told someonewhat you want to have happen and
(11:35):
that's a part of what today's episode is about.
One in three black families first of all say that they have
experienced financial hardships after the loss of a loved 160%
of Americans have no will or estate planning.
Families without advance directives are most are more
likely to experience conflict, trauma and extended legal
(11:57):
battles when they don't know what their loved one loved ones
wishes are. Black families are more likely
to delay or avoid end of life planning due to cultural stigma
and distrust of systems Morgan and a lack of access to
affordable legal help. So we just push the can down the
road. In hospitals, Black patients are
less likely to receive pain management or palliative care
(12:21):
aligned with their wishes because they haven't written
them down. And dying without a plan can
cost your family between 5015 thousand more dollars, not
including the lost wages and legal fees or time.
And 70% of wealth, 70% of wealth, Morgan is lost in back
(12:41):
families by the 2nd generation. Without a plan, we are losing a
significant amount of our financial resources in the next
generation. And that includes and you we
talked about this I think on theweek where we did land
ownership. When we don't have the deeds to
our homes or we don't have the right like taxes and all of the
right documentations, when we don't have that stuff in order,
(13:03):
it is really, really, really harming us.
So we're going to talk about allof that and what you the most
important documentations that you need and how you can have a
conversation with your loved ones.
But I want to start first Morgan, by introducing the
concept of a deaf doula to people because it is a resource
that I think a lot of people do not know is out there and could
(13:26):
really be helping people. A death doula is a person who
provides non medical, emotional,spiritual and practical support
to individuals and their families during the end of life
process. You can think of them as birth
doulas, but instead of helping someone into this world, they
help them out with grace and clarity and peace.
I want to shout out a young black woman named Ashley in
(13:48):
Seattle who was the death doula for my cousin Martina.
They sit with people on their final days so that they're not
alone. They help families fan plan
vigils, memorials, and legacy rituals.
They walk families through paperwork, difficult
conversations, and grief. And they ensure that a persons
last wishes are honored. And Morgan, we were both in the
Ted audience when Alua Arthur, who is a death doula, gave a
(14:13):
really beautiful Ted talk, whichI highly recommend.
It's called Why Thinking about Death Helps You Live a Better
Life. And I just want to play the
first minute and 30 seconds of her Ted Talk because one of the
things that she's inviting us into is to all of us to think
about what we want our experience to be, to really
(14:34):
think about it in detail. Not that we can control it, but
we should at least think about what we want our experience to
be, both at the end of our life and through death.
And so I just want to play a minute and 30 seconds of Aloha
Arthur's Ted talk. I want to die at sunset.
I want to watch the sky change and turn orange and pink and
purple as day dies in tonight. I want to hear the wind
(14:59):
fluttering through the leaves and smell very faintly Nog
Champa amber incense, but very faintly because scent can be
tough on a dying body. I want to die with socks on my
feet because I get cold and if Idie with a bra on I'm coming to
haunt everybody. I will terrorize you, and that
is a threat, OK? I want to die in my own bed, in
(15:22):
my own home, with my loved ones nearby who are talking amongst
themselves and comforting each other for this very big thing
that's about to happen in their lives.
I want to die with all of my affairs in order so my loved
ones have nothing to worry aboutbut their grief after I die.
I want to die empty, devoid of all of the skill, gift, talent,
(15:45):
and light that I carry in this body and satiated, full of the
richness of this one unique human ride.
And when my loved ones noticed that I have released my last
breath, I want them to clap. I want them to clap because I
died well, but I died well, onlybecause I lived well.
(16:05):
Now, will it happen this way? Probably not realistically.
I mean, even with all this rah rah death talk, I talk.
I'm probably going to go kickingand screaming.
Unless we choose the date, place, manner, and time of our
death will remain a mystery. Then why think about it at all?
Death creates context for our lives.
My entire life is leading up until that point.
(16:28):
How we die creates the period atthe end of the sentence, but it
is the period that makes it a sentence at all.
Thank you, Alua. You can finish.
You can find the rest of her Tedtalk, Why Thinking About Death
Helps You Live Better on ted.comor on YouTube.
And Alua has a website called Going with Grace where she
provides beautiful resources, including a new book that she
(16:51):
wrote where she talks about the end of life experience and
mostly Morgan. What she talks about in the rest
of that Ted talk is how we have to break open the stigma and we
have to start to have the conversations about death and
that and that by having those conversations about death, we
give our loved ones and we give ourselves more dignity.
(17:13):
And so they're very hard conversations, I know for a lot
of people to have. I know a lot of us don't want to
think about our end of life. I know a lot of us who
especially are healthy don't want to think about it.
And yet now is exactly the time to start thinking about it.
And this is a good segue into our first skill, how to start an
honest conversation about end oflife care.
The first part of starting that honest conversation is to start
(17:35):
for your own self to have that vision.
It's a vision both for your lifeand it needs to be a vision for
your death and what happens and what your legacy is after.
And so the first question that Ioffer for people to think about
is what does a peaceful death look like for you?
And again, we can't choose necessarily the time, the date,
(17:57):
the appointed hour, But to understand and to be able to
think for your own self around what it would look like so that
you could start to articulate that to your loved ones in case
you're experiencing any sort of chronic illness or
hospitalization is a good question, at least for you to
have a vision for your own self.What does a peaceful death look
like? When Alua was talking, she was
(18:18):
saying, I want to go at sunset with the pink and the purple in
the sky eye and no bra on, right.
And she was kind of joking, but she wasn't.
She was just saying, I've reallythought about this.
So yeah, I'm I'm offering for people to think about what a
peaceful death looks like for you.
I think we should all think about is there anything you've
never said? But you want someone to know not
(18:41):
leaving words unsaid and really starting to think about that
now. Is there somebody, the people
who you want to say, I love you too?
Now is in this living time is anopportunity to say it.
The people who you want to say I'm sorry to the seek.
Speaking of the conversation that we had yesterday around
adoption, the secrets that we carry that you want to unleash.
Like now is the time in life to think about the things that we
(19:04):
want to say and to say them now and then some very practical
things. If you want to have whatever
type of going away service you want to have, you think about
the music, y'all think about theoutfit, think about the prayer,
write those things down. It really those things really
matter to me. Morgan.
This is where I was like, oh, I really got to get into, I got to
(19:26):
get into gear because I definitely do have a vision for
acceleration. We're not people are not wearing
black, where there's good music playing, where there's a lot of
Nikki Giovanni being read, you know, like I really where
there's some really delicious food.
And so I just want everybody to think about that because I think
we've all been in situations where we've come to funerals or
(19:48):
been at the end of life and those become the most stressful
situations for families. Morgan and I was reading
something that something like 45% of families and during
funeral times end up having falling outs over these type of
small details. So it's the small details that
we actually want to think about for ourselves because our loved
ones are going to be grieving, so they're not necessarily going
(20:11):
to think about what outfit you're going to have in your
casket. And yet those are the things
people really becoming a blows over.
Well, I hope everyone else is thinking about these questions.
There are two really amazing resources to help you have this
conversation. The first is Death over dinner.
I've been following them for a long time.
It started with a professor out at the University of Washington
(20:33):
who understood that we were not having the conversations that we
need to have. It's deathoverdinner.org.
It's a free guide to how do you can host a powerful legacy
conversation. It literally guide you step by
step. Who do you want to invite to the
conversation? What do you want to talk about
at the conversation? It gives you the resource.
It even sends them the e-mail toinvite them to the conversation.
(20:53):
It's a rarely beautiful community.
Death over dinner, and if you search the hashtag death over
dinner on social media, you'll see a lot of people who are
showing you the type of dinner conversation that they've had.
People are really doing it up. They're having barbecues and
people are doing it over their holiday dinners and they're just
having these really important conversations.
So that's one. And then the second resources is
called the Conversation Project and you can download
(21:15):
conversation kits for your lovedones so that you can start to
have a conversation with them. There's three particular people
though, Morgan, that everybody needs to identify right now to
have a conversation with. And it's not just your family
and friends. We all have to, one, decide who
is the person who should speak for us if we cannot, and that's
(21:38):
a medical decision maker. Everybody needs to identify a
medical decision maker in your life, the person who should
speak for you. If you cannot, the second person
you need to make sure that you talk to is the one who will
handle your affairs. That's the executor or legal
representative of your estate. So the one who will handle your
(22:00):
affairs. And they may not necessarily be
the same people, and maybe they are the same people, but you
need to have these independent conversations with them.
And then the last one is the onewho can help you hold your
family together. So who's going to be the
emotional anchor you need to talk to and just have a person.
So it could be the same person who is that medical decision
(22:20):
maker, executor and emotional anchor.
There could be 3 different people, but every single person
right now needs to identify those people.
Morgan, when we think about the rate of stroke and the rate of
heart attack, especially amongstblack women, when we think about
the rate of hospitalization and what it means to be in the
hospital and to need to have somebody to advocate for you,
(22:42):
This is why we have to be thinking about it now.
And we have to have identified those people.
I have the four most important documents that we need to have
prepared for ourselves right now, just in case anything
happens. This woman, her name is Siedah
Garrett. S i.e.
DAHI hope I'm saying it right. Siedah Garrett.
Let's bring her into the conversation.
(23:03):
You. Have income if you have
dependent children or if you ownreal estate.
There are four documents everybody needs to have.
The first one is called a financial power of attorney who
can make decisions on your behalf if you can't make the
decisions. The second document is a
healthcare power of attorney or advanced health directives.
If something happens to you health wise, who says turn life
(23:26):
support on, turn life support off.
I had a client had a stroke on the way to work.
Her children live out of state. The doctor said there's no hope.
The children said pull the plug.Thank God she knew somebody.
Thank gosh you knew somebody whoknew The Who knew the Father.
How I know the Father? Let's say.
Hold up, wait a minute. Give it a little bit more time.
(23:49):
Let's go. But let's, let's pray.
About it today she's. In her right state of mind,
walking, healthy, talking. But listen, if you don't have
those documents in place, who will make those decisions for
you? The third one, a will.
A will says who gets what. We see our families fighting and
torn apart. We arguing over grand Mom gold
lamp. Ain't nobody touched that gold
(24:11):
lamp in over 50 years. But now this side of the family
ain't talking to this side of the family over the gold lamps.
If you don't tell us who gets what, how do we know?
The final thing is a trust. A trust sets standards.
It sets standards. What good is it to pass down
money to somebody with no standards?
So the four documents, though anadvance directive or living will
(24:35):
do you have one? I don't have any of this.
This is where I really was just like I'm a 47 year old woman.
I do not have any children. And I really even I was thinking
I was like, OK, I have a man nowwe're married and I have my
family and I'm just like, but still.
I think my cousin Rhonda. I think my cousin Rhonda I need
(24:59):
when I used to be married to my ex-husband, this was very much
clearer. I used to be like, yeah, no.
And he used to say it too. He'd be like, don't have me up
in there because it's gonna be arap and I'll be like, I'm gonna
have my cousin Rhonda in there. But also my cousin Rhonda has a
lot of religious beliefs that I don't have.
And so that's like, and my family and my aunt has a lot of
religious beliefs that I don't have.
(25:20):
And so I was like, wow, I have to get even.
When you get clear with one person and tell them, you have
to make sure you told everybody else that you've told that one
person, right, or you have to have written it down so that
they are not in a clash. Yeah.
Having an advance directive or aliving will, a healthcare proxy
is what she said a power of attorney, a will or a trust and
(25:43):
then a few other things that I would highly recommend Morgan is
making sure you've named beneficiaries on all of your
accounts because I found this out actually, even if you have a
will or a trust, if you haven't actually at the bank named the
beneficiary, say for your 401K or then it doesn't automatically
(26:03):
go to that person. If it's not, if it just because
you have it in the will, so on all of your bank accounts right
now, even if you only got $5 in the account, y'all, your
Citibank, Bank of America, WellsFargo, whoever you're banking
with, they allow you to name a beneficiary if something were to
happen to you, who has access and where does that money go?
So for your four O 1 KS for all of your savings account, make
(26:24):
sure you have your beneficiariesnamed.
And then the last thing that a lot of people recommend for a
legacy plan, which I was like, wow, this is powerful, is that
you actually write a legacy letter, that you actually write
an actual letter right now that just says right, like who you
(26:48):
like, telling people you love them, telling them what you want
to have happen, telling them anylast words.
And you could write a personal message or a legacy letter.
And there are a couple of good resources out there that can
really help people. There's something called 5
Wishes document and you can Google, there's a 5 Wishes
(27:09):
website. It's popular and legally
recognized in many states. And it will help you to write
down all of your resources. And then there's something
called Cake, which is a free online legacy planning tool.
So just Google Cake legacy planning tool.
And they also can assist you with getting together these
legacy first plans. And then there's a lot of free,
(27:31):
I know a lot of people think that you need to get an
attorney, but there are a lot offree resources out there for
doing wills, trust, healthcare, proxies, advance directives.
You can just Google and you can find.
I didn't want to try to promote anyone or the other, but there
are a lot of different resourcesout there for people.
So you don't have to have attorney to help you.
You can actually do a lot of it yourself.
(27:53):
And a lot of the fees are less than $100 and some of them for
the most basic stuff are free. I'm praying that this
information was helpful to folks.
I'm praying that the conversation really helped to
open you up to think about how and who you should be having a
conversation with and what things that you should have in
place. So that's all I got for this
episode, Morgan. All right, y'all, thank you for
(28:16):
joining us on this walk. I hope it has felt really good
to you. We are on almost at the end of
this experience. Please come back tomorrow for
for Mother Friday. I'm going to close out today
with my girl, my favorite Miss Nikki Giovanni.
And this is a beautiful poem. It's called The Women Gather.
And I just wanted to close it out because when I think about
(28:36):
what voices and words I would want at my end of life, it's
definitely Miss Nikki. The women gather because it is
(29:01):
not unusual to seek comfort in our hours of stress.
A man must be buried. It is not unusual that the old
bury the young, though it is an abomination.
It is not strange that the unwise and the ungentle carry
the banner of humaneness. Though it is a castration of the
(29:21):
Spirit, it no longer shatters the intellect that those who
make a war call themselves diplomats.
We are no longer surprised that the unfaithful pray loudest
every Sunday in every church andsometimes in rooms facing east,
though it is a sin and a shame. So how do we judge a man?
(29:43):
Most of us love from our need tolove, not because we find
someone deserving. Most of us forgive because we
have trespassed, not because we are magnanimous.
Most of us comfort because we need comforting.
Our ancient rituals demand that we give what we hope to receive.
And how do we judge a man? We learn to greet when meeting,
(30:07):
to cry when parting, and to soften our words at times of
stress. The women gather with cloth and
ointments, their busy hands bowing to laws that decree.
Willow shall stand swayed but unbroken against even the
determined wind of death. We judge a man by his dreams,
(30:27):
not alone his deeds. We judge a man by his intent,
not alone his shortcomings. We judge a man because it is not
unusual to know him through those who love him.
The women gather strangers to each other because they have
loved a man. It is not unusual to shift
(30:49):
through ashes and find an unburnt picture.
We are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The disrespected person in America is the black woman, but
still like dust all. Right, pretty girls in the VIP.
(00:30):
The. Revolution will.
Not be televised, brother. You are by the.
New Joe John. Even if you are not ready for
the day, it cannot. Always be night.
(01:02):
Welcome to self-care School everybody.
I am Morgan and I am joined on the line by Vanessa and by Next
Gen. Naira.
Are you there? Yes, yes.
Hey y'all. Hey y'all, listen, it is talk
back Thursday, everybody's favorite day where we hear the
voices of our members. We're going to get right into
it. We have two more life saving
(01:24):
skills. Evan S is going to deliver the
instruction around. But we begin as we always do on
our front porches where all the secrets get solved.
Y'all, all of the problems of the world get solved on black
women's front porches. So step out there, feel the
breeze on your skin, feel the sun on your face, and know that
(01:45):
we are the daughters of some legendary women, some caretakers
all around the world. And today we celebrate the one,
the only, Josephine Baker. Josephine Baker, we are the
daughters of Josephine Baker. Get yourself settled on your
porch as I share that Josephine Baker was an American born
(02:06):
French entertainer. She went over and became a
citizen of France where she was a civil rights activist here in
America, but also a glamorous performer all around the world
and a bold member of the resistance.
The resistance in France where she earned a medal for being a
spy during World War 1. So she we know many of those
(02:29):
parts about Josephine Baker. We picture her and her banana
skirt and her slick, conked beautiful hair in those waves.
But what many people don't know is that Josephine Baker adopted
12 children from different ethnic backgrounds, and she
called them her Rainbow Tribe. And she wanted to demonstrate to
the world that we could love oneanother.
And so for caretakers and beautiful, beautiful women who
(02:54):
bring children and kins and kinfolk into their homes, we
want to dedicate today's meditation to Josephine Baker.
And so rather than leading you throughout meditation, I wanted
to bring in her voice where she's going to sing a song.
But I want you to stand firm before we play her her song.
And I want you to roll your shoulders up to your ears and
(03:17):
bring them back down your back. I want you to take a deep breath
in and a breath out now. I want you to shake your
shoulders. I want you to bring your
(03:37):
shoulders forward, backwards, short, forwards, backwards,
forwards, backwards. Like a shimmy.
Like shake your shimmy and you can move side to side.
If you squat your legs a little bit, you can move to the left
and to the right without liftingyour heels off the ground and
just shake your shoulders. We're going to listen to the
voice of Josephine Baker. And then once you start singing,
(03:57):
my challenge to you is to dance on your porch.
You can shake your shimmy. You can shake your hips.
You can stomp your feet. You can clap your hands.
But I just want you to dance lightly.
Oh yes, I've got a song that talks about happiness and
smiling. And I think that people in
general, Eric, they can be happyvery often if they can be able
(04:21):
to make themselves smile under various situations and
complications. I'm going to sing a song called
Surreer Al Avi. Smile.
Even if you don't want to. So, Eric?
(05:09):
I hope you guys are shaking yourshimmy.
I was all shaking my shimmy dancing 2 step in.
Vanessa, are you there? Should we move to the driveway?
I am here and we absolutely should move to the driveway.
I love Josephine Baker. I feel like she's one of my
family members because she's from Saint Louis and that's
where my family was from and shekind of looks like them a little
(05:29):
bit. So all right y'all, let's move
to the driveway. It's Talkback Thursday.
We're going to hear from y'all in just a minute and hear what
how you've been feeling about self-care school.
We're in a week where we're talking about caregiving.
And I was thinking more again, like, what do I think is really
important for people As we're getting ready to close out this
(05:52):
week, We'll only have for MotherFriday tomorrow.
And I wanted to have an episode where we break the silence that
leaves our families unprepared and often traumatized.
And it's the silence of not talking about death, which
becomes some of our greatest caregiving responsibilities,
which is to shepherd people through the last stages of their
(06:12):
lives and how unprepared a lot of us off for it.
And so I want this episode to beabout replacing fear and
replacing confusion with clarity.
And to think about what we're going to leave behind and how
we're going to help each other and how we're going to be
caregiving. So we're going to learn two life
(06:34):
saving skills today, how to start honest conversations about
end of life care and how to create a dignity First legacy
plan. So let's step into our driveway
for a few audit questions just to help us to ground in this
episode before we get into the lessons today.
The first question is, if you'venever shared what you want to
(06:57):
happen to you after you die withthe loved one or friend, take a
step back. The second question is if you
have a will or if you have namedsomeone to make medical
decisions on your behalf, take astep forward.
If the thought of talking about death scares you, take a step
(07:17):
back. If you have thought about the
legacy you want to leave behind,take a step forward.
If you've ever witnessed someonepast without their wishes being
honored, I want you to take a step back.
If you've written a letter or recorded a voice note or created
(07:39):
something to comfort your loved ones who might be transitioning
or going through a chronic illness, take a step forward.
It's going to be a really good episode.
I'm going to introduce some goodskills.
But before I even get into thoseskills, Naira, I do want to
bring you on and I want to hear first how women are feeling
about self-care school. I've been talking and walking
(08:00):
and talking with women and hearing from them.
I know Morgan has as well. I know people have been in our
DMS and in our inboxes, but whathave you been hearing out there
and what have you brought for ustoday?
So today I'm so grateful for just sisterhood when, you know,
we have sisters that actually, you know, we talk and they
listen, but there's also sistersthat come with solution to our
(08:23):
problem. And so some sisters have given
us some advice and resources or offered to be a resource to
other women in the movement on some things we've already talked
about in the past couple weeks. And also a question has been
posed that I think is will probably align with what we're
talking about today, so we can bring in those voices.
I loved your episode on the police and keeping us safe.
(08:47):
I have another tip for you. Go to the DMV and get a
replacement license and copy your registration and insurance
card. Place them in your sun visor.
This way if you get pulled over by the police, you don't have to
reach in your glove compartment or in your back pocket for your
(09:08):
driver's license. All you have to do is flip down
your sun visor and everything isthere.
This may be a life saving tip. Greetings, Vanessa Morgan and
the Girl Track family. My name is Anita.
I just wanted to leave this message.
(09:28):
I'm trying to get caught up on the episodes.
I just have a few comments. One is I can contribute to Girl
Track. I'm a financial coach.
I've helped people get out of debt.
I live a debt free lifestyle andI like helping people do better
(09:49):
with their money. I'd be willing to coach or help
anyone that needed it. And I'm also willing to help
contribute to people who are about to lose their family
properties because of past due tax bills.
And I'm willing to contribute tothat effort.
And if you could just let me know how I'd be willing to do
(10:11):
that, My e-mail is justuseanita@gmail.com.
Thank you. Justuseanita@gmail.com Just.
Use Anita. Yeah, Thank you for offering
your services, Sister. I love our community, Morgan.
I love the feedback that we've been getting.
Well, thank you, Naira. Thank you for sharing those
voices. Ladies, if you are out there and
you are listening, if you have questions for us, if you have
(10:32):
feedback, if you have input, if you have resources to share, you
can go to myselfcare School com.You can access the classroom.
You can Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you can
share your thoughts with us. So all right, Morgan, you know
what I was just thinking Morgan,did you know that Josephine
Baker is actually speaking aboutdeath?
She's one of I think only two black.
(10:53):
She had a full French military funeral and she's buried in the
pantheon and she's one of I think only one of two black
women ever buried in the pantheon.
And I was when you, I didn't know you were going to do a
meditation on her. But it's part of today's
conversation, which is have you yourself thought about what type
(11:15):
of farewell service you want to have when you or experience that
you want to have when you pass away?
I have. I have.
Well, you get a Gold Star Morganbecause not only have you
thought about what you want to have happen, but most
importantly, you've told someonewhat you want to have happen and
(11:35):
that's a part of what today's episode is about.
One in three black families first of all say that they have
experienced financial hardships after the loss of a loved 160%
of Americans have no will or estate planning.
Families without advance directives are most are more
likely to experience conflict, trauma and extended legal
(11:57):
battles when they don't know what their loved one loved ones
wishes are. Black families are more likely
to delay or avoid end of life planning due to cultural stigma
and distrust of systems Morgan and a lack of access to
affordable legal help. So we just push the can down the
road. In hospitals, Black patients are
less likely to receive pain management or palliative care
(12:21):
aligned with their wishes because they haven't written
them down. And dying without a plan can
cost your family between 5015 thousand more dollars, not
including the lost wages and legal fees or time.
And 70% of wealth, 70% of wealth, Morgan is lost in back
(12:41):
families by the 2nd generation. Without a plan, we are losing a
significant amount of our financial resources in the next
generation. And that includes and you we
talked about this I think on theweek where we did land
ownership. When we don't have the deeds to
our homes or we don't have the right like taxes and all of the
right documentations, when we don't have that stuff in order,
(13:03):
it is really, really, really harming us.
So we're going to talk about allof that and what you the most
important documentations that you need and how you can have a
conversation with your loved ones.
But I want to start first Morgan, by introducing the
concept of a deaf doula to people because it is a resource
that I think a lot of people do not know is out there and could
(13:26):
really be helping people. A death doula is a person who
provides non medical, emotional,spiritual and practical support
to individuals and their families during the end of life
process. You can think of them as birth
doulas, but instead of helping someone into this world, they
help them out with grace and clarity and peace.
I want to shout out a young black woman named Ashley in
(13:48):
Seattle who was the death doula for my cousin Martina.
They sit with people on their final days so that they're not
alone. They help families fan plan
vigils, memorials, and legacy rituals.
They walk families through paperwork, difficult
conversations, and grief. And they ensure that a persons
last wishes are honored. And Morgan, we were both in the
Ted audience when Alua Arthur, who is a death doula, gave a
(14:13):
really beautiful Ted talk, whichI highly recommend.
It's called Why Thinking about Death Helps You Live a Better
Life. And I just want to play the
first minute and 30 seconds of her Ted Talk because one of the
things that she's inviting us into is to all of us to think
about what we want our experience to be, to really
(14:34):
think about it in detail. Not that we can control it, but
we should at least think about what we want our experience to
be, both at the end of our life and through death.
And so I just want to play a minute and 30 seconds of Aloha
Arthur's Ted talk. I want to die at sunset.
I want to watch the sky change and turn orange and pink and
purple as day dies in tonight. I want to hear the wind
(14:59):
fluttering through the leaves and smell very faintly Nog
Champa amber incense, but very faintly because scent can be
tough on a dying body. I want to die with socks on my
feet because I get cold and if Idie with a bra on I'm coming to
haunt everybody. I will terrorize you, and that
is a threat, OK? I want to die in my own bed, in
(15:22):
my own home, with my loved ones nearby who are talking amongst
themselves and comforting each other for this very big thing
that's about to happen in their lives.
I want to die with all of my affairs in order so my loved
ones have nothing to worry aboutbut their grief after I die.
I want to die empty, devoid of all of the skill, gift, talent,
(15:45):
and light that I carry in this body and satiated, full of the
richness of this one unique human ride.
And when my loved ones noticed that I have released my last
breath, I want them to clap. I want them to clap because I
died well, but I died well, onlybecause I lived well.
(16:05):
Now, will it happen this way? Probably not realistically.
I mean, even with all this rah rah death talk, I talk.
I'm probably going to go kickingand screaming.
Unless we choose the date, place, manner, and time of our
death will remain a mystery. Then why think about it at all?
Death creates context for our lives.
My entire life is leading up until that point.
(16:28):
How we die creates the period atthe end of the sentence, but it
is the period that makes it a sentence at all.
Thank you, Alua. You can finish.
You can find the rest of her Tedtalk, Why Thinking About Death
Helps You Live Better on ted.comor on YouTube.
And Alua has a website called Going with Grace where she
provides beautiful resources, including a new book that she
(16:51):
wrote where she talks about the end of life experience and
mostly Morgan. What she talks about in the rest
of that Ted talk is how we have to break open the stigma and we
have to start to have the conversations about death and
that and that by having those conversations about death, we
give our loved ones and we give ourselves more dignity.
(17:13):
And so they're very hard conversations, I know for a lot
of people to have. I know a lot of us don't want to
think about our end of life. I know a lot of us who
especially are healthy don't want to think about it.
And yet now is exactly the time to start thinking about it.
And this is a good segue into our first skill, how to start an
honest conversation about end oflife care.
The first part of starting that honest conversation is to start
(17:35):
for your own self to have that vision.
It's a vision both for your lifeand it needs to be a vision for
your death and what happens and what your legacy is after.
And so the first question that Ioffer for people to think about
is what does a peaceful death look like for you?
And again, we can't choose necessarily the time, the date,
(17:57):
the appointed hour, But to understand and to be able to
think for your own self around what it would look like so that
you could start to articulate that to your loved ones in case
you're experiencing any sort of chronic illness or
hospitalization is a good question, at least for you to
have a vision for your own self.What does a peaceful death look
like? When Alua was talking, she was
(18:18):
saying, I want to go at sunset with the pink and the purple in
the sky eye and no bra on, right.
And she was kind of joking, but she wasn't.
She was just saying, I've reallythought about this.
So yeah, I'm I'm offering for people to think about what a
peaceful death looks like for you.
I think we should all think about is there anything you've
never said? But you want someone to know not
(18:41):
leaving words unsaid and really starting to think about that
now. Is there somebody, the people
who you want to say, I love you too?
Now is in this living time is anopportunity to say it.
The people who you want to say I'm sorry to the seek.
Speaking of the conversation that we had yesterday around
adoption, the secrets that we carry that you want to unleash.
Like now is the time in life to think about the things that we
(19:04):
want to say and to say them now and then some very practical
things. If you want to have whatever
type of going away service you want to have, you think about
the music, y'all think about theoutfit, think about the prayer,
write those things down. It really those things really
matter to me. Morgan.
This is where I was like, oh, I really got to get into, I got to
(19:26):
get into gear because I definitely do have a vision for
acceleration. We're not people are not wearing
black, where there's good music playing, where there's a lot of
Nikki Giovanni being read, you know, like I really where
there's some really delicious food.
And so I just want everybody to think about that because I think
we've all been in situations where we've come to funerals or
(19:48):
been at the end of life and those become the most stressful
situations for families. Morgan and I was reading
something that something like 45% of families and during
funeral times end up having falling outs over these type of
small details. So it's the small details that
we actually want to think about for ourselves because our loved
ones are going to be grieving, so they're not necessarily going
(20:11):
to think about what outfit you're going to have in your
casket. And yet those are the things
people really becoming a blows over.
Well, I hope everyone else is thinking about these questions.
There are two really amazing resources to help you have this
conversation. The first is Death over dinner.
I've been following them for a long time.
It started with a professor out at the University of Washington
(20:33):
who understood that we were not having the conversations that we
need to have. It's deathoverdinner.org.
It's a free guide to how do you can host a powerful legacy
conversation. It literally guide you step by
step. Who do you want to invite to the
conversation? What do you want to talk about
at the conversation? It gives you the resource.
It even sends them the e-mail toinvite them to the conversation.
(20:53):
It's a rarely beautiful community.
Death over dinner, and if you search the hashtag death over
dinner on social media, you'll see a lot of people who are
showing you the type of dinner conversation that they've had.
People are really doing it up. They're having barbecues and
people are doing it over their holiday dinners and they're just
having these really important conversations.
So that's one. And then the second resources is
called the Conversation Project and you can download
(21:15):
conversation kits for your lovedones so that you can start to
have a conversation with them. There's three particular people
though, Morgan, that everybody needs to identify right now to
have a conversation with. And it's not just your family
and friends. We all have to, one, decide who
is the person who should speak for us if we cannot, and that's
(21:38):
a medical decision maker. Everybody needs to identify a
medical decision maker in your life, the person who should
speak for you. If you cannot, the second person
you need to make sure that you talk to is the one who will
handle your affairs. That's the executor or legal
representative of your estate. So the one who will handle your
(22:00):
affairs. And they may not necessarily be
the same people, and maybe they are the same people, but you
need to have these independent conversations with them.
And then the last one is the onewho can help you hold your
family together. So who's going to be the
emotional anchor you need to talk to and just have a person.
So it could be the same person who is that medical decision
(22:20):
maker, executor and emotional anchor.
There could be 3 different people, but every single person
right now needs to identify those people.
Morgan, when we think about the rate of stroke and the rate of
heart attack, especially amongstblack women, when we think about
the rate of hospitalization and what it means to be in the
hospital and to need to have somebody to advocate for you,
(22:42):
This is why we have to be thinking about it now.
And we have to have identified those people.
I have the four most important documents that we need to have
prepared for ourselves right now, just in case anything
happens. This woman, her name is Siedah
Garrett. S i.e.
DAHI hope I'm saying it right. Siedah Garrett.
Let's bring her into the conversation.
(23:03):
You. Have income if you have
dependent children or if you ownreal estate.
There are four documents everybody needs to have.
The first one is called a financial power of attorney who
can make decisions on your behalf if you can't make the
decisions. The second document is a
healthcare power of attorney or advanced health directives.
If something happens to you health wise, who says turn life
(23:26):
support on, turn life support off.
I had a client had a stroke on the way to work.
Her children live out of state. The doctor said there's no hope.
The children said pull the plug.Thank God she knew somebody.
Thank gosh you knew somebody whoknew The Who knew the Father.
How I know the Father? Let's say.
Hold up, wait a minute. Give it a little bit more time.
(23:49):
Let's go. But let's, let's pray.
About it today she's. In her right state of mind,
walking, healthy, talking. But listen, if you don't have
those documents in place, who will make those decisions for
you? The third one, a will.
A will says who gets what. We see our families fighting and
torn apart. We arguing over grand Mom gold
lamp. Ain't nobody touched that gold
(24:11):
lamp in over 50 years. But now this side of the family
ain't talking to this side of the family over the gold lamps.
If you don't tell us who gets what, how do we know?
The final thing is a trust. A trust sets standards.
It sets standards. What good is it to pass down
money to somebody with no standards?
So the four documents, though anadvance directive or living will
(24:35):
do you have one? I don't have any of this.
This is where I really was just like I'm a 47 year old woman.
I do not have any children. And I really even I was thinking
I was like, OK, I have a man nowwe're married and I have my
family and I'm just like, but still.
I think my cousin Rhonda. I think my cousin Rhonda I need
(24:59):
when I used to be married to my ex-husband, this was very much
clearer. I used to be like, yeah, no.
And he used to say it too. He'd be like, don't have me up
in there because it's gonna be arap and I'll be like, I'm gonna
have my cousin Rhonda in there. But also my cousin Rhonda has a
lot of religious beliefs that I don't have.
And so that's like, and my family and my aunt has a lot of
religious beliefs that I don't have.
(25:20):
And so I was like, wow, I have to get even.
When you get clear with one person and tell them, you have
to make sure you told everybody else that you've told that one
person, right, or you have to have written it down so that
they are not in a clash. Yeah.
Having an advance directive or aliving will, a healthcare proxy
is what she said a power of attorney, a will or a trust and
(25:43):
then a few other things that I would highly recommend Morgan is
making sure you've named beneficiaries on all of your
accounts because I found this out actually, even if you have a
will or a trust, if you haven't actually at the bank named the
beneficiary, say for your 401K or then it doesn't automatically
(26:03):
go to that person. If it's not, if it just because
you have it in the will, so on all of your bank accounts right
now, even if you only got $5 in the account, y'all, your
Citibank, Bank of America, WellsFargo, whoever you're banking
with, they allow you to name a beneficiary if something were to
happen to you, who has access and where does that money go?
So for your four O 1 KS for all of your savings account, make
(26:24):
sure you have your beneficiariesnamed.
And then the last thing that a lot of people recommend for a
legacy plan, which I was like, wow, this is powerful, is that
you actually write a legacy letter, that you actually write
an actual letter right now that just says right, like who you
(26:48):
like, telling people you love them, telling them what you want
to have happen, telling them anylast words.
And you could write a personal message or a legacy letter.
And there are a couple of good resources out there that can
really help people. There's something called 5
Wishes document and you can Google, there's a 5 Wishes
(27:09):
website. It's popular and legally
recognized in many states. And it will help you to write
down all of your resources. And then there's something
called Cake, which is a free online legacy planning tool.
So just Google Cake legacy planning tool.
And they also can assist you with getting together these
legacy first plans. And then there's a lot of free,
(27:31):
I know a lot of people think that you need to get an
attorney, but there are a lot offree resources out there for
doing wills, trust, healthcare, proxies, advance directives.
You can just Google and you can find.
I didn't want to try to promote anyone or the other, but there
are a lot of different resourcesout there for people.
So you don't have to have attorney to help you.
You can actually do a lot of it yourself.
(27:53):
And a lot of the fees are less than $100 and some of them for
the most basic stuff are free. I'm praying that this
information was helpful to folks.
I'm praying that the conversation really helped to
open you up to think about how and who you should be having a
conversation with and what things that you should have in
place. So that's all I got for this
episode, Morgan. All right, y'all, thank you for
(28:16):
joining us on this walk. I hope it has felt really good
to you. We are on almost at the end of
this experience. Please come back tomorrow for
for Mother Friday. I'm going to close out today
with my girl, my favorite Miss Nikki Giovanni.
And this is a beautiful poem. It's called The Women Gather.
And I just wanted to close it out because when I think about
(28:36):
what voices and words I would want at my end of life, it's
definitely Miss Nikki. The women gather because it is
(29:01):
not unusual to seek comfort in our hours of stress.
A man must be buried. It is not unusual that the old
bury the young, though it is an abomination.
It is not strange that the unwise and the ungentle carry
the banner of humaneness. Though it is a castration of the
(29:21):
Spirit, it no longer shatters the intellect that those who
make a war call themselves diplomats.
We are no longer surprised that the unfaithful pray loudest
every Sunday in every church andsometimes in rooms facing east,
though it is a sin and a shame. So how do we judge a man?
(29:43):
Most of us love from our need tolove, not because we find
someone deserving. Most of us forgive because we
have trespassed, not because we are magnanimous.
Most of us comfort because we need comforting.
Our ancient rituals demand that we give what we hope to receive.
And how do we judge a man? We learn to greet when meeting,
(30:07):
to cry when parting, and to soften our words at times of
stress. The women gather with cloth and
ointments, their busy hands bowing to laws that decree.
Willow shall stand swayed but unbroken against even the
determined wind of death. We judge a man by his dreams,
(30:27):
not alone his deeds. We judge a man by his intent,
not alone his shortcomings. We judge a man because it is not
unusual to know him through those who love him.
The women gather strangers to each other because they have
loved a man. It is not unusual to shift
(30:49):
through ashes and find an unburnt picture.
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