June 13, 2025 • 30 mins
Vanessa opens Foremother Friday with a grounding poem, setting the tone for a powerful reflection on family, legacy, and care. Trelani joins to share wisdom from our ancestral guiding light, Sojourner Truth, weaving her lessons into parenting insights that transcend generations. Morgan offers heartfelt advice on parenting, and trekkers add their voices, sharing thoughts, wisdom, and lived experiences on mothering, parenting, and caretaking. This episode features an empowering original song by Judylne, a heartfelt ode to self-love. As we wrap up week nine, we celebrate the ways we nurture, protect, and uplift one another. Be sure to claim your Sojourner Truth badge!
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Episode Transcript
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(00:08):
We are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The. Disrespected person in America.
Is the black woman? But still like dust, all right?
Pretty girls in the VIP. They came with.
(00:30):
Drain. They'll need ideas.
The revolution will not be televised, Brother, you are by
the new Joe John. Even if you are not ready for
the day, it cannot always be night.
(01:03):
Freedom. Freedom.
Where are you? Because I need freedom too.
It is for Mother Friday, yes. Do a praise dance y'all do a
crip walk, do a shimmy, do a strut.
Do whatever you need to do because you have done it.
You have arrived at the end of this week on a Friday.
That means you have done five days this week.
Give yourself a high 5. Feel proud of yourself.
(01:27):
Feel, feel, just feel amazed. Just feel amazed, y'all, because
there's a lot of things pulling us in, a lot of directions,
which you have showed up here today and I am so grateful and
so proud of you. And I am Vanessa and I am on the
line with Morgan. Are you there?
Morgan? I'm here.
Am I on mute? No, no, it's self-care school.
(01:54):
Y'all all right y'all. Yes, it is the end of the week.
It is for Mother Friday. We are so proud of you.
Congratulations. You have earned.
If you have walked all five daysthis week, you're Sojourner
Truth badge. Yes, you're Sojourner Truth
badge. And we're going to talk about
her in just a bit. But first, we're going to ground
down in just a little bit of a poem just to invite you into
(02:15):
this end of this week where we have been talking about
caregiving. I wrote this for all of you.
It's called to the women who kept me alive.
I was kept alive by a circle of women with no capes, no praise
song, no time off, women who moved through the world with
bags under their eyes and everybody else's names in their
(02:36):
mouths, still praying, still pouring, still present.
I was kept alive by the ones whodidn't birth me but fed me.
By the ones who weren't assignedbut still answered.
The auntie who stayed after the funeral to fold clothes.
The nurse who called me baby when my own mother forgot.
The teacher who kept snacks in her drawer for students who
(02:56):
didn't know where dinner would come from.
The sister friend who showed up when my hands were too shaky to
text. I need help.
The church mother who laid handswithout asking what was wrong.
The tired grandmother who raisedanother child Because love
doesn't retire. The queer Mama who built a new
kind of family from scratch and said come on in, baby, you don't
(03:19):
have to explain. I was kept alive by casserole
and corner store runs, by head rubs and grocery lists, by I got
you on the days that I didn't have me.
So I walk for them. I breathe for them.
I hold the line for them. The body is standing because
their bodies did not rest. To every woman who mothered
(03:40):
without permission, thank you. I am your daughter and I will
not forget. Welcome to self-care school,
y'all. Oh, I love that poem.
I love that poem. Move out, out to the driveway,
y'all. Welcome to self-care school,
y'all. I'm excited about Friday.
I am excited to have Trellini onthe line with us.
Is your girl Morgan Trelli? Are you there?
(04:02):
I'm here. Y'all, before we talk to
Trellany, we're going to do a quick little audit.
And this is for the parents only.
So for folks like me and V who don't got no kids, this ain't
for those. Y'all can start walking.
For the parents out there, I'd like for you to step forward if
you stay calm during moments of chaos in your family.
I would like for you to step back if you ever use shame or
(04:27):
threats or blame to your children when there's an issue,
I would like for you to step forward.
If you have modeled apologizing to your children, I would like
for you to step back. If you are trying to be the
perfect mom and if perfectionismtakes over with unrealistic
(04:47):
expectations, take a step back. I want you to take a step
forward. If you've created new traditions
in your household where your kids feel seen and secure
through like regular traditions of something you do, something
fun you do daily connections. All right, And then I would like
(05:09):
for you to step back if you talkover your child, interrupt your
child or crowd out your child's voice and don't listen because
you're busy solving problems, right?
So step back if you crowd out your child's voice, y'all, no
matter whether you step forward,step back, do the shimmy to the
left, to the right. You are here and self-care is
(05:30):
the beginning of healthy parenting.
So go ahead and pat yourself on the back for being outside going
for a walk today. Because listen, I ain't no
parent. I don't hardly know what I'm
talking about on this episode. Which brings me to our request
for you all to be the Co host oftoday's episode.
So before we even get into it, y'all go ahead and start
walking. Before we get into it, we're
(05:50):
going to bring in one member voice with some parenting
advice. Hey this is Katora from New York
City and the best mom advice I can give is allow your village
to show up for you. I was on a call with my sister
friends and we were talking about my daughter's birthday
plans and by the end of that conversation my friends poured
into my zell with so much love and her aunties just showed up
(06:12):
and showed out. Turning all of her wishes into
reality as a giver is not alwayseasy for me to receive, but I'm
learning. It's OK to ask for help.
It's OK to lean in and let others care for you.
None of us was meant to do this life thing alone.
Your village is your gift. Let them love on you.
Let them lift you up and let them like your path.
(06:32):
Oh. Thank you so much for sounding
off. All right, we're going to get
started. We're going to get started,
Trellanie. We're going to start by honoring
our ancestor missile Joyner Truth what you know about so
join at you till. I learned so much, so 1, you
know, when it comes to, like, you know, caring for ourselves
(06:55):
and believing that we deserve that care.
She embodied that when her son, her son was illegally sold into
slavery. And let me back up, a lot of
people think she had 13 childrenbecause in that speech she said
it. But I think she was just
speaking in general for her women, her people, right?
But she only had five children, and one of her sons was so
illegally sold into slavery. And she prayed, she marched
(07:17):
through courtroom. She sued them people, they was
like, it's going to cost this amount.
And she was like, I'm a get it, don't worry.
It was like it's gonna cost $20.She came back with like $100,
gave him the whole thing and wasjust like, because if you would
do it for 20, I know you'll do it for this amount.
And I love that her faith wasn'tpassive.
That also reminded me of Auntie Harriet.
It guided every step of her plan.
(07:39):
She said verbatim. I told God I was afraid to go in
the night and the day everyone will see me.
And then the thought came I could leave just before
Daybreak. And she said thank you God for
that thought. So I've been saying that
recently. Thank you God for that thought.
And so she moved at dawn. She was carrying her little
bitty baby and only the provision she carried in little
(08:00):
handkerchief. Trust in that divine guidance
and those you know, because thatheartbreak of human promises was
so real. It really like hurt me real bad.
I was about to say PMO. It really hurt me so bad when,
and it wasn't surprising, her slave holder promised her that
she would get her freedom in oneyear.
I wanted to say it was like July1826 and he was like July 4th,
(08:23):
1827. I'm gonna let you be free.
You just promised me your loyalty and you got it.
And after all of her life, he would be bragging.
She would overhear him bragging to his friends about how she
could outwork men, how she was worth about 5 men.
And then here comes July 4th, 1827.
He's just like, no, because you really you remember you hurt
(08:44):
your hand that and your hand kind of really made you not work
is hard enough. So not take that back.
And she said that the slaveholders are terrible for
promising to give you this or that.
And then when we think it's almost in our hands, we find
ourselves flatly denied. And we also hear that
frustration in her famous speecharen't IA woman for context, you
(09:07):
know, it's usually saying ain't I woman and has been debated for
years because some say she neverused those exact words, that her
first language was Dutch and that that phrasing may have been
altered to mimic Southern black speech.
And I think it is important because it shows our most, you
know, just how dynamic and how, you know, not the same we are
when we like now Sis spoke Dutchfirst.
(09:29):
It's still a colonizer language,but all of us did not, you know,
we didn't operate and exist the same way.
But you know, the, the, the moral of the speech was that,
you know, I was just, she was fed up with being overlooked,
overburdening and under cared for.
And I know in my own experience of just being friends to people
and being caregivers myself, I realized that that tends to be
(09:49):
the legacy that many caregivers inherit, feeling like that
overlook, overburdened and undercared for.
And so in a few of the takeawaysthat I got from her story is
that caregiving is an act of sovereignty.
So when systems fail because they will, that you have to be
your own advocate, and sometimesthat, you know, end up meaning
that you'll become your own salvation too.
(10:11):
Oh, I love for Mother Fridays, so join our truth told us so
much about parenting and about womanhood.
I want to bring in Charlie. I hope you can stay for the
episode. I want to bring in another
member voice right now and get some more input on or some some
(10:33):
advice, some sage advice on parenting.
Here we go. Hey girl Trek, this is your girl
Brave Brandy calling from Grovetown, GA.
My mommy advice for you is coming from Proverbs 22 and 6.
Let those babies look, listen and watch you.
Let them learn from their first teacher.
One of my fondest memories is mymom taking me to the track with
(10:54):
her to walk. Thank you.
Bye. All right, from the words of our
members, thank you so much for that sage advice.
All right, I'm going to queue upa clip from a Instagram account
called Life after kids. It's Doctor Brooks Stillwell,
your. Children will.
(11:15):
Not treat themselves the way youtreat.
Them your children will treat themselves the way you treat
yourself. OK, that's a mic drop right
there. Morgan, do you know what that
reminds me of? That James Baldwin cult?
Children have never been very good at listening to their
elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
It just reminds me. Exactly right.
(11:35):
Yeah, exactly right. Your children will imitate you,
says Brother Baldwin. And says this doctor, What would
that look like if your children started to treat themselves the
way that you treat yourself? What would it look like if your
children started speaking to themselves in their inside,
innermost sacred voice, the way that you speak to yourself when
(11:59):
you make mistakes, when you feelunworthy?
What if your kids took that on? And then what if the reverse?
What if your kids started takingdaily walks?
What if your kids started monitoring what they eat?
Hydrating, showing up with open hearts, because you show up with
open hearts. I want to play a quick clip that
just brought me some joy. Vanessa and Trellini.
(12:22):
It's Crystal Smith and she's singing with her daughter
Carson. Carson and Tate.
Yeah, ma'am. Will you sing a song with me?
OK, Repeat that for me. Look at that boy.
A living testimony. A live for testimony.
(12:48):
I could have been dead and gone.I could have been dead and gone.
But the Lord, but the love for he let me live on.
He let me live on. Oh yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'm a living testimony.
(13:13):
I will live a testimony. And I thank the Lord.
And I thank the Lord. I'm still.
I'm still. Oh, thank you to.
(13:46):
You, yeah. Oh my God, everything.
So good. This just it just reminded me
that that's the dynamic in parenting, whether we like it or
not. And it can go that direction or
it can go the other direction. And so just really thinking
about that. Kids have never been very good
at listening to their elders, but they've never failed to
(14:07):
imitate y'all. I want to bring in one more
member voice with some some practical parenting advice.
Let's let's put that that adviceright here, y'all.
Hey, this is Jeanette AKA Justice, daughter of Bernice,
the daughter of Lucille, the daughter of Mary.
(14:28):
I just want to let mothers know that you need to give yourself
grace and remember God designed you to go through every
situation and come out on the other side the way he saw fit,
which is a wonderful mother. So take it easy on yourself.
(14:50):
Learn. Learn to forgive.
Learn to accept your mistakes and grow from them.
Because we're all going to make mistakes as mothers, but the
main thing is a mother's love never dies.
Excellent, excellent, excellent.Thank you y'all.
Keep going to myself, careschool.com.
(15:11):
Keep leaving your sage advice, your wisdom, your questions.
Correct the record. This is your forum.
This is our movement, and we just appreciate having your
voices in. I'm going to bring in some
advice from Doctor Raquel. I don't know, she's a doctor.
She's definitely a therapist andhas a huge following on
Instagram. I mentioned her earlier in the
week on caregiving. We were talking about
(15:32):
boundaries. Her name is Raquel Hopkins.
I highly recommend you follow her on Instagram.
This is a solidarity shout out of a sister doing real St.
therapy, Raquel with AQ Raquel Hopkins like the hospital John
Hopkins. Raquel Hopkins.
We've made feeling better the goal instead of becoming better.
(15:53):
Mental health today is all aboutrelief.
Deep. Breath.
Self-care, setting boundaries, and while those things can be
helpful, they were never supposed to be the whole
solution. What I see happening is symptom
management. It helps you feel better in the
moment instead of building your capacity, which makes sure that
you don't need this constant relief.
(16:15):
The mental health industry has over prioritized coping to the
point where people think struggling means that they're
failing. But struggling isn't the
problem, it's the avoidance of struggles that keeps and is
keeping a lot of people stuff. For example, right boundaries
have become one of the most misused mental health tools.
Instead of helping people navigate relationships and
(16:37):
difficult conversations or life challenges, they've become a way
to avoid all of that. Traditional mental health advice
sounds like this. If it drains you, walk away.
If you don't if if they don't respect your boundaries, cut
them all. You don't know anyone access to
you, and my problem, or the issue with that is without
building capacity, you'll alwaysneed boundaries to feel safe
(16:59):
because your relationship with discomfort hasn't changed.
You're not actually growing, you're just creating distance
from anything that requires you to.
And so and instead of, and instead, what we should be
teaching people is how to regulate emotions without
needing space to do it. How to communicate clearly
instead of shutting people out, how to trust themselves to
(17:19):
navigate challenges, not just toavoid them.
And This is why I talk so much about capacity, because mental
health isn't just about managingstress.
It's about making sure that you have the internal strength to
handle it. Another question for you, OK,
has your mental health journey made you stronger or just more
dependent on tools? Self-care is beautiful y'all,
(17:41):
and I'm so proud we're doing it.I'm so proud we're taking walks
and taking bubble baths and thatwe are out here doing yoga and
we're going on yoga retreats andlisten, going on vacation and
doing all the deep breaths. I'm happy about that.
And in Let and she is, she is, Ithink, rightly suggesting that
it should be building your capacity for peace and it should
(18:02):
be building your capacity for mental agility and mental health
and the ability to absorb and tohold things that are sometimes
uncomfortable. And so my biggest piece of
advice in that scenario, Trellini, would be figure out
how you create enough capacity so that you're not so reactive
(18:25):
and so that you can give her thespace and the grace to have a
bad day and it not be about you.You understand what I mean.
And so that would be probably myadvice there.
And something else she said in there is she said we we use
these tools to avoid struggle because we have so much pain
inside. But the issue with parenting is
(18:46):
you can't avoid your children. You can't just distance.
You can't you can't have avoid an attachment with your kid.
You can and it does not end up well, but, and our kids have to
learn to have to grow the capacity themselves to sit in
their feelings and their emotions and to experience
discomfort and to not expect quick fixes and to know how to
(19:09):
navigate in those type of ways that I think sometimes if we're
trying to like solve for children or like protect them
from even experiencing certain things, then how are they going
to really be able to navigate like when they are an adult, You
know what I'm saying? So I like, I have some friends
who are like soup and, and family members who are like very
(19:29):
protective of their children. And especially in light of say,
like the, the trauma that our family experienced.
I have like one cousin who's just like her kids don't watch
television. They don't do anything like
that. And then I have on the other
spectrum, I have cousins who's like, well, they don't have to
deal with this one way or the other.
Do you know what I'm saying? And I think it's about just
finding a balance of helping your kids to grow their own
(19:50):
capacity to deal with stuff. Agreed.
I want to take us through an exercise with another therapist
named Derek Grant. And he really believes that in
order for us to heal and be healthy parents, that we have to
be comfortable speaking to our childhood selves and telling her
what we need in order in order for us to ever provide for
(20:12):
somebody else what they need. So let's play that.
I'm going to tell you the fastest way to shift into a new
energetic frequency, the quickest way, because
everybody's always in a hurry for whatever reason, right?
We're in the microwave generation where we want things
quick. I'm going to go ahead and give
it to you. The quickest thing that you can
do is start to become aware of these past wounds that have
(20:33):
created a distorted self conceptof who you are today.
Maybe you got bullied on the playground, or maybe mom told
you you were fat, or dad left you.
That created a subconscious imprint in your subconscious to
make you feel less than, to feelunworthy, to feel rejected, to
feel abandoned. That created a psychological
wound. Go back to that wound.
(20:54):
Write that version of you who felt that.
Write it a letter. Tell it everything that it
needed to hear, because you are the only one in this physical
universe who knew what you needed to hear.
Go ahead and write that letter. Tell that child.
Tell that past version what it is that it needed to hear.
And now here's what's going to end up happening.
You're going to change the storythat has been being told in that
(21:15):
past version of you, which inevitably has created who you
are today. And this is the quickest way
that you rid these things of your past so it can change who
you are today, so you can createyour future how you want.
Vanessa Antreleni, If you had topick one moment in your
childhood life, think about the photos.
(21:35):
Maybe think about the photos in your in your childhood.
Pick one photo from your childhood.
Let me know when you got it. Just say I got it.
Let's just think. Flip through your Rolodex of
childhood photos and pick one photo when you really needed
good parenting. You got your photo.
V Yep, Trellanie, you got your photo.
(21:58):
Yep. OK, Vanessa, can you just
describe the photo? Yes, it's picture day at school
and I'm wearing a really cute, like, knit sweater.
I loved it. It had a lot of colors on it.
And I have a really too tight bang because I would use one of
those pink sponge rollers and itmade it real tight.
And I got my little ponytail hanging off the bat.
(22:21):
It was barely hanging. And I'm kind of quirky smiling.
Aw, thank you. And then Trellanie, what is your
photo? I'm wearing this bandana.
It's a blue bandana across my head and I I have baby powder on
my cheeks because I thought it like makeup but I'm too old and
(22:41):
I know better. And then I had like like black
marker on my lips with a little Vaseline and make it like black
lipstick. And I had rings on all fingers
because I went to my Mama jewelry thing and I used to
sneak and wear them to school and try to put them back before
she got home. Yeah, that one.
Oh, I really want to see these pictures.
(23:03):
Please follow Trelity. Maybe she'll share it on her
Instagram. And please follow Vanessa on
Instagram. Maybe you guys can share them if
you feel comfortable. So I want to pause and have
everyone walking with us, just think through a photo and to
just make a decision. So we'll just take a pause.
The first thing I want you to dois just hold that photo close to
(23:23):
your chest in your imagination and just hug her.
Just hug, hug her, just hug her.Just pat it gently from the back
of the photo. Just hug her.
And as the parent or as the mother or as the the caretaker
of your childhood self, I want you to think about what she
needs to hear, what she needs tohear.
(23:47):
And so we'll go in reverse order.
Vanessa, I don't want to put youon the spot.
We'll go in reverse order. So for me, she needs to hear
that you're going to have a beautiful relationship with your
father when you're an adult and that you will completely forgive
him leaving you, but that he really needed to go take care of
himself and particularly around his mental health.
(24:10):
And he wasn't ready to be a father, but he came around and
now he's a really, really great part of your life.
That's what she needed to hear. Trellanie, what did your what
did your childhood self need to hear?
I'm sorry that I didn't give youspace to grieve because I don't
know what that looks like myself.
And it's going to be OK. I know you full of ambition and
(24:31):
you so ready to get out there, but enjoy your childhood because
it is never ever, ever going to come back again.
It's OK to be a child. Thank you.
And Vanessa, what would you say to that little girl on picture
day? I would say it's OK that your
mom wasn't there to do your hairand that she wasn't there to to
(24:52):
see the photos. And that all the things that you
thought you were missing or didn't think that you would
learn because you didn't have a mother, that you really knew
those things. And that you would learn in the
self and that you would mother yourself and that and you'll do
your hair cute many times. So don't worry about this one
photo. I want you to hear how gently
(25:16):
Vanessa was speaking to her childhood self and how gently
and love and lovingly Trellini was, and how lovingly I I spoke
to myself. And I want you to speak to your
childhood self as lovingly. And I'm going to just take a
minute of silence. And I invite you as you are
walking, even if it seems silly to say it out loud, say it.
(25:39):
Say the words out loud to what you needed to hear in that
photo. You ready?
My words in my brain because I exist My words in my brain
(26:14):
because I exist. My words in my brain.
(26:36):
There's a wave of healing coming, y'all.
There is a wave of healing. And so part of this healing
journey is going to require us to parent ourselves so that we
can then model the kind of Peaceof Mind and growth and love and
capacity to like, navigate struggle.
So that's what we have today on For Mother Friday.
(26:57):
I have enjoyed this episode and this conversation, y'all.
I've enjoyed it. I've enjoyed it.
We are going to listen to a beautiful song.
Goodbye, y'all. See you next week for Week 10.
You were this in your breath. To let go will make you forget.
(27:26):
Your word is in your breath and let the world make you forget.
You may have been told you don'tdeserve it.
You've got to earn it. Let's not have a goes.
(27:46):
It's already yours. It's already yours, always.
It's already yours. You were this in your bread.
Don't let the world make you forget.
(28:08):
You were this in your bread. Don't let the world make you
forget. You may have been tired.
If you achieve, then you receive.
Can't catch what's been caught. It's hard yours.
(28:32):
It's hard yours, it's hard yours.
The word is in your blood. Don't let go and make you forget
(28:52):
the word is in your brain to letgo all make you forget my words
in my brain because I exist my words in my brain because I
(29:22):
exist my words in my brain because I exist my words in my
brain. Hi my name is.
(29:56):
Judleen and you can find me on Spotify at Judleen.
We are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The. Disrespected person in America.
Is the black woman? But still like dust, all right?
Pretty girls in the VIP. They came with.
(00:30):
Drain. They'll need ideas.
The revolution will not be televised, Brother, you are by
the new Joe John. Even if you are not ready for
the day, it cannot always be night.
(01:03):
Freedom. Freedom.
Where are you? Because I need freedom too.
It is for Mother Friday, yes. Do a praise dance y'all do a
crip walk, do a shimmy, do a strut.
Do whatever you need to do because you have done it.
You have arrived at the end of this week on a Friday.
That means you have done five days this week.
Give yourself a high 5. Feel proud of yourself.
(01:27):
Feel, feel, just feel amazed. Just feel amazed, y'all, because
there's a lot of things pulling us in, a lot of directions,
which you have showed up here today and I am so grateful and
so proud of you. And I am Vanessa and I am on the
line with Morgan. Are you there?
Morgan? I'm here.
Am I on mute? No, no, it's self-care school.
(01:54):
Y'all all right y'all. Yes, it is the end of the week.
It is for Mother Friday. We are so proud of you.
Congratulations. You have earned.
If you have walked all five daysthis week, you're Sojourner
Truth badge. Yes, you're Sojourner Truth
badge. And we're going to talk about
her in just a bit. But first, we're going to ground
down in just a little bit of a poem just to invite you into
(02:15):
this end of this week where we have been talking about
caregiving. I wrote this for all of you.
It's called to the women who kept me alive.
I was kept alive by a circle of women with no capes, no praise
song, no time off, women who moved through the world with
bags under their eyes and everybody else's names in their
(02:36):
mouths, still praying, still pouring, still present.
I was kept alive by the ones whodidn't birth me but fed me.
By the ones who weren't assignedbut still answered.
The auntie who stayed after the funeral to fold clothes.
The nurse who called me baby when my own mother forgot.
The teacher who kept snacks in her drawer for students who
(02:56):
didn't know where dinner would come from.
The sister friend who showed up when my hands were too shaky to
text. I need help.
The church mother who laid handswithout asking what was wrong.
The tired grandmother who raisedanother child Because love
doesn't retire. The queer Mama who built a new
kind of family from scratch and said come on in, baby, you don't
(03:19):
have to explain. I was kept alive by casserole
and corner store runs, by head rubs and grocery lists, by I got
you on the days that I didn't have me.
So I walk for them. I breathe for them.
I hold the line for them. The body is standing because
their bodies did not rest. To every woman who mothered
(03:40):
without permission, thank you. I am your daughter and I will
not forget. Welcome to self-care school,
y'all. Oh, I love that poem.
I love that poem. Move out, out to the driveway,
y'all. Welcome to self-care school,
y'all. I'm excited about Friday.
I am excited to have Trellini onthe line with us.
Is your girl Morgan Trelli? Are you there?
(04:02):
I'm here. Y'all, before we talk to
Trellany, we're going to do a quick little audit.
And this is for the parents only.
So for folks like me and V who don't got no kids, this ain't
for those. Y'all can start walking.
For the parents out there, I'd like for you to step forward if
you stay calm during moments of chaos in your family.
I would like for you to step back if you ever use shame or
(04:27):
threats or blame to your children when there's an issue,
I would like for you to step forward.
If you have modeled apologizing to your children, I would like
for you to step back. If you are trying to be the
perfect mom and if perfectionismtakes over with unrealistic
(04:47):
expectations, take a step back. I want you to take a step
forward. If you've created new traditions
in your household where your kids feel seen and secure
through like regular traditions of something you do, something
fun you do daily connections. All right, And then I would like
(05:09):
for you to step back if you talkover your child, interrupt your
child or crowd out your child's voice and don't listen because
you're busy solving problems, right?
So step back if you crowd out your child's voice, y'all, no
matter whether you step forward,step back, do the shimmy to the
left, to the right. You are here and self-care is
(05:30):
the beginning of healthy parenting.
So go ahead and pat yourself on the back for being outside going
for a walk today. Because listen, I ain't no
parent. I don't hardly know what I'm
talking about on this episode. Which brings me to our request
for you all to be the Co host oftoday's episode.
So before we even get into it, y'all go ahead and start
walking. Before we get into it, we're
(05:50):
going to bring in one member voice with some parenting
advice. Hey this is Katora from New York
City and the best mom advice I can give is allow your village
to show up for you. I was on a call with my sister
friends and we were talking about my daughter's birthday
plans and by the end of that conversation my friends poured
into my zell with so much love and her aunties just showed up
(06:12):
and showed out. Turning all of her wishes into
reality as a giver is not alwayseasy for me to receive, but I'm
learning. It's OK to ask for help.
It's OK to lean in and let others care for you.
None of us was meant to do this life thing alone.
Your village is your gift. Let them love on you.
Let them lift you up and let them like your path.
(06:32):
Oh. Thank you so much for sounding
off. All right, we're going to get
started. We're going to get started,
Trellanie. We're going to start by honoring
our ancestor missile Joyner Truth what you know about so
join at you till. I learned so much, so 1, you
know, when it comes to, like, you know, caring for ourselves
(06:55):
and believing that we deserve that care.
She embodied that when her son, her son was illegally sold into
slavery. And let me back up, a lot of
people think she had 13 childrenbecause in that speech she said
it. But I think she was just
speaking in general for her women, her people, right?
But she only had five children, and one of her sons was so
illegally sold into slavery. And she prayed, she marched
(07:17):
through courtroom. She sued them people, they was
like, it's going to cost this amount.
And she was like, I'm a get it, don't worry.
It was like it's gonna cost $20.She came back with like $100,
gave him the whole thing and wasjust like, because if you would
do it for 20, I know you'll do it for this amount.
And I love that her faith wasn'tpassive.
That also reminded me of Auntie Harriet.
It guided every step of her plan.
(07:39):
She said verbatim. I told God I was afraid to go in
the night and the day everyone will see me.
And then the thought came I could leave just before
Daybreak. And she said thank you God for
that thought. So I've been saying that
recently. Thank you God for that thought.
And so she moved at dawn. She was carrying her little
bitty baby and only the provision she carried in little
(08:00):
handkerchief. Trust in that divine guidance
and those you know, because thatheartbreak of human promises was
so real. It really like hurt me real bad.
I was about to say PMO. It really hurt me so bad when,
and it wasn't surprising, her slave holder promised her that
she would get her freedom in oneyear.
I wanted to say it was like July1826 and he was like July 4th,
(08:23):
1827. I'm gonna let you be free.
You just promised me your loyalty and you got it.
And after all of her life, he would be bragging.
She would overhear him bragging to his friends about how she
could outwork men, how she was worth about 5 men.
And then here comes July 4th, 1827.
He's just like, no, because you really you remember you hurt
(08:44):
your hand that and your hand kind of really made you not work
is hard enough. So not take that back.
And she said that the slaveholders are terrible for
promising to give you this or that.
And then when we think it's almost in our hands, we find
ourselves flatly denied. And we also hear that
frustration in her famous speecharen't IA woman for context, you
(09:07):
know, it's usually saying ain't I woman and has been debated for
years because some say she neverused those exact words, that her
first language was Dutch and that that phrasing may have been
altered to mimic Southern black speech.
And I think it is important because it shows our most, you
know, just how dynamic and how, you know, not the same we are
when we like now Sis spoke Dutchfirst.
(09:29):
It's still a colonizer language,but all of us did not, you know,
we didn't operate and exist the same way.
But you know, the, the, the moral of the speech was that,
you know, I was just, she was fed up with being overlooked,
overburdening and under cared for.
And I know in my own experience of just being friends to people
and being caregivers myself, I realized that that tends to be
(09:49):
the legacy that many caregivers inherit, feeling like that
overlook, overburdened and undercared for.
And so in a few of the takeawaysthat I got from her story is
that caregiving is an act of sovereignty.
So when systems fail because they will, that you have to be
your own advocate, and sometimesthat, you know, end up meaning
that you'll become your own salvation too.
(10:11):
Oh, I love for Mother Fridays, so join our truth told us so
much about parenting and about womanhood.
I want to bring in Charlie. I hope you can stay for the
episode. I want to bring in another
member voice right now and get some more input on or some some
(10:33):
advice, some sage advice on parenting.
Here we go. Hey girl Trek, this is your girl
Brave Brandy calling from Grovetown, GA.
My mommy advice for you is coming from Proverbs 22 and 6.
Let those babies look, listen and watch you.
Let them learn from their first teacher.
One of my fondest memories is mymom taking me to the track with
(10:54):
her to walk. Thank you.
Bye. All right, from the words of our
members, thank you so much for that sage advice.
All right, I'm going to queue upa clip from a Instagram account
called Life after kids. It's Doctor Brooks Stillwell,
your. Children will.
(11:15):
Not treat themselves the way youtreat.
Them your children will treat themselves the way you treat
yourself. OK, that's a mic drop right
there. Morgan, do you know what that
reminds me of? That James Baldwin cult?
Children have never been very good at listening to their
elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
It just reminds me. Exactly right.
(11:35):
Yeah, exactly right. Your children will imitate you,
says Brother Baldwin. And says this doctor, What would
that look like if your children started to treat themselves the
way that you treat yourself? What would it look like if your
children started speaking to themselves in their inside,
innermost sacred voice, the way that you speak to yourself when
(11:59):
you make mistakes, when you feelunworthy?
What if your kids took that on? And then what if the reverse?
What if your kids started takingdaily walks?
What if your kids started monitoring what they eat?
Hydrating, showing up with open hearts, because you show up with
open hearts. I want to play a quick clip that
just brought me some joy. Vanessa and Trellini.
(12:22):
It's Crystal Smith and she's singing with her daughter
Carson. Carson and Tate.
Yeah, ma'am. Will you sing a song with me?
OK, Repeat that for me. Look at that boy.
A living testimony. A live for testimony.
(12:48):
I could have been dead and gone.I could have been dead and gone.
But the Lord, but the love for he let me live on.
He let me live on. Oh yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'm a living testimony.
(13:13):
I will live a testimony. And I thank the Lord.
And I thank the Lord. I'm still.
I'm still. Oh, thank you to.
(13:46):
You, yeah. Oh my God, everything.
So good. This just it just reminded me
that that's the dynamic in parenting, whether we like it or
not. And it can go that direction or
it can go the other direction. And so just really thinking
about that. Kids have never been very good
at listening to their elders, but they've never failed to
(14:07):
imitate y'all. I want to bring in one more
member voice with some some practical parenting advice.
Let's let's put that that adviceright here, y'all.
Hey, this is Jeanette AKA Justice, daughter of Bernice,
the daughter of Lucille, the daughter of Mary.
(14:28):
I just want to let mothers know that you need to give yourself
grace and remember God designed you to go through every
situation and come out on the other side the way he saw fit,
which is a wonderful mother. So take it easy on yourself.
(14:50):
Learn. Learn to forgive.
Learn to accept your mistakes and grow from them.
Because we're all going to make mistakes as mothers, but the
main thing is a mother's love never dies.
Excellent, excellent, excellent.Thank you y'all.
Keep going to myself, careschool.com.
(15:11):
Keep leaving your sage advice, your wisdom, your questions.
Correct the record. This is your forum.
This is our movement, and we just appreciate having your
voices in. I'm going to bring in some
advice from Doctor Raquel. I don't know, she's a doctor.
She's definitely a therapist andhas a huge following on
Instagram. I mentioned her earlier in the
week on caregiving. We were talking about
(15:32):
boundaries. Her name is Raquel Hopkins.
I highly recommend you follow her on Instagram.
This is a solidarity shout out of a sister doing real St.
therapy, Raquel with AQ Raquel Hopkins like the hospital John
Hopkins. Raquel Hopkins.
We've made feeling better the goal instead of becoming better.
(15:53):
Mental health today is all aboutrelief.
Deep. Breath.
Self-care, setting boundaries, and while those things can be
helpful, they were never supposed to be the whole
solution. What I see happening is symptom
management. It helps you feel better in the
moment instead of building your capacity, which makes sure that
you don't need this constant relief.
(16:15):
The mental health industry has over prioritized coping to the
point where people think struggling means that they're
failing. But struggling isn't the
problem, it's the avoidance of struggles that keeps and is
keeping a lot of people stuff. For example, right boundaries
have become one of the most misused mental health tools.
Instead of helping people navigate relationships and
(16:37):
difficult conversations or life challenges, they've become a way
to avoid all of that. Traditional mental health advice
sounds like this. If it drains you, walk away.
If you don't if if they don't respect your boundaries, cut
them all. You don't know anyone access to
you, and my problem, or the issue with that is without
building capacity, you'll alwaysneed boundaries to feel safe
(16:59):
because your relationship with discomfort hasn't changed.
You're not actually growing, you're just creating distance
from anything that requires you to.
And so and instead of, and instead, what we should be
teaching people is how to regulate emotions without
needing space to do it. How to communicate clearly
instead of shutting people out, how to trust themselves to
(17:19):
navigate challenges, not just toavoid them.
And This is why I talk so much about capacity, because mental
health isn't just about managingstress.
It's about making sure that you have the internal strength to
handle it. Another question for you, OK,
has your mental health journey made you stronger or just more
dependent on tools? Self-care is beautiful y'all,
(17:41):
and I'm so proud we're doing it.I'm so proud we're taking walks
and taking bubble baths and thatwe are out here doing yoga and
we're going on yoga retreats andlisten, going on vacation and
doing all the deep breaths. I'm happy about that.
And in Let and she is, she is, Ithink, rightly suggesting that
it should be building your capacity for peace and it should
(18:02):
be building your capacity for mental agility and mental health
and the ability to absorb and tohold things that are sometimes
uncomfortable. And so my biggest piece of
advice in that scenario, Trellini, would be figure out
how you create enough capacity so that you're not so reactive
(18:25):
and so that you can give her thespace and the grace to have a
bad day and it not be about you.You understand what I mean.
And so that would be probably myadvice there.
And something else she said in there is she said we we use
these tools to avoid struggle because we have so much pain
inside. But the issue with parenting is
(18:46):
you can't avoid your children. You can't just distance.
You can't you can't have avoid an attachment with your kid.
You can and it does not end up well, but, and our kids have to
learn to have to grow the capacity themselves to sit in
their feelings and their emotions and to experience
discomfort and to not expect quick fixes and to know how to
(19:09):
navigate in those type of ways that I think sometimes if we're
trying to like solve for children or like protect them
from even experiencing certain things, then how are they going
to really be able to navigate like when they are an adult, You
know what I'm saying? So I like, I have some friends
who are like soup and, and family members who are like very
(19:29):
protective of their children. And especially in light of say,
like the, the trauma that our family experienced.
I have like one cousin who's just like her kids don't watch
television. They don't do anything like
that. And then I have on the other
spectrum, I have cousins who's like, well, they don't have to
deal with this one way or the other.
Do you know what I'm saying? And I think it's about just
finding a balance of helping your kids to grow their own
(19:50):
capacity to deal with stuff. Agreed.
I want to take us through an exercise with another therapist
named Derek Grant. And he really believes that in
order for us to heal and be healthy parents, that we have to
be comfortable speaking to our childhood selves and telling her
what we need in order in order for us to ever provide for
(20:12):
somebody else what they need. So let's play that.
I'm going to tell you the fastest way to shift into a new
energetic frequency, the quickest way, because
everybody's always in a hurry for whatever reason, right?
We're in the microwave generation where we want things
quick. I'm going to go ahead and give
it to you. The quickest thing that you can
do is start to become aware of these past wounds that have
(20:33):
created a distorted self conceptof who you are today.
Maybe you got bullied on the playground, or maybe mom told
you you were fat, or dad left you.
That created a subconscious imprint in your subconscious to
make you feel less than, to feelunworthy, to feel rejected, to
feel abandoned. That created a psychological
wound. Go back to that wound.
(20:54):
Write that version of you who felt that.
Write it a letter. Tell it everything that it
needed to hear, because you are the only one in this physical
universe who knew what you needed to hear.
Go ahead and write that letter. Tell that child.
Tell that past version what it is that it needed to hear.
And now here's what's going to end up happening.
You're going to change the storythat has been being told in that
(21:15):
past version of you, which inevitably has created who you
are today. And this is the quickest way
that you rid these things of your past so it can change who
you are today, so you can createyour future how you want.
Vanessa Antreleni, If you had topick one moment in your
childhood life, think about the photos.
(21:35):
Maybe think about the photos in your in your childhood.
Pick one photo from your childhood.
Let me know when you got it. Just say I got it.
Let's just think. Flip through your Rolodex of
childhood photos and pick one photo when you really needed
good parenting. You got your photo.
V Yep, Trellanie, you got your photo.
(21:58):
Yep. OK, Vanessa, can you just
describe the photo? Yes, it's picture day at school
and I'm wearing a really cute, like, knit sweater.
I loved it. It had a lot of colors on it.
And I have a really too tight bang because I would use one of
those pink sponge rollers and itmade it real tight.
And I got my little ponytail hanging off the bat.
(22:21):
It was barely hanging. And I'm kind of quirky smiling.
Aw, thank you. And then Trellanie, what is your
photo? I'm wearing this bandana.
It's a blue bandana across my head and I I have baby powder on
my cheeks because I thought it like makeup but I'm too old and
(22:41):
I know better. And then I had like like black
marker on my lips with a little Vaseline and make it like black
lipstick. And I had rings on all fingers
because I went to my Mama jewelry thing and I used to
sneak and wear them to school and try to put them back before
she got home. Yeah, that one.
Oh, I really want to see these pictures.
(23:03):
Please follow Trelity. Maybe she'll share it on her
Instagram. And please follow Vanessa on
Instagram. Maybe you guys can share them if
you feel comfortable. So I want to pause and have
everyone walking with us, just think through a photo and to
just make a decision. So we'll just take a pause.
The first thing I want you to dois just hold that photo close to
(23:23):
your chest in your imagination and just hug her.
Just hug, hug her, just hug her.Just pat it gently from the back
of the photo. Just hug her.
And as the parent or as the mother or as the the caretaker
of your childhood self, I want you to think about what she
needs to hear, what she needs tohear.
(23:47):
And so we'll go in reverse order.
Vanessa, I don't want to put youon the spot.
We'll go in reverse order. So for me, she needs to hear
that you're going to have a beautiful relationship with your
father when you're an adult and that you will completely forgive
him leaving you, but that he really needed to go take care of
himself and particularly around his mental health.
(24:10):
And he wasn't ready to be a father, but he came around and
now he's a really, really great part of your life.
That's what she needed to hear. Trellanie, what did your what
did your childhood self need to hear?
I'm sorry that I didn't give youspace to grieve because I don't
know what that looks like myself.
And it's going to be OK. I know you full of ambition and
(24:31):
you so ready to get out there, but enjoy your childhood because
it is never ever, ever going to come back again.
It's OK to be a child. Thank you.
And Vanessa, what would you say to that little girl on picture
day? I would say it's OK that your
mom wasn't there to do your hairand that she wasn't there to to
(24:52):
see the photos. And that all the things that you
thought you were missing or didn't think that you would
learn because you didn't have a mother, that you really knew
those things. And that you would learn in the
self and that you would mother yourself and that and you'll do
your hair cute many times. So don't worry about this one
photo. I want you to hear how gently
(25:16):
Vanessa was speaking to her childhood self and how gently
and love and lovingly Trellini was, and how lovingly I I spoke
to myself. And I want you to speak to your
childhood self as lovingly. And I'm going to just take a
minute of silence. And I invite you as you are
walking, even if it seems silly to say it out loud, say it.
(25:39):
Say the words out loud to what you needed to hear in that
photo. You ready?
My words in my brain because I exist My words in my brain
(26:14):
because I exist. My words in my brain.
(26:36):
There's a wave of healing coming, y'all.
There is a wave of healing. And so part of this healing
journey is going to require us to parent ourselves so that we
can then model the kind of Peaceof Mind and growth and love and
capacity to like, navigate struggle.
So that's what we have today on For Mother Friday.
(26:57):
I have enjoyed this episode and this conversation, y'all.
I've enjoyed it. I've enjoyed it.
We are going to listen to a beautiful song.
Goodbye, y'all. See you next week for Week 10.
You were this in your breath. To let go will make you forget.
(27:26):
Your word is in your breath and let the world make you forget.
You may have been told you don'tdeserve it.
You've got to earn it. Let's not have a goes.
(27:46):
It's already yours. It's already yours, always.
It's already yours. You were this in your bread.
Don't let the world make you forget.
(28:08):
You were this in your bread. Don't let the world make you
forget. You may have been tired.
If you achieve, then you receive.
Can't catch what's been caught. It's hard yours.
(28:32):
It's hard yours, it's hard yours.
The word is in your blood. Don't let go and make you forget
(28:52):
the word is in your brain to letgo all make you forget my words
in my brain because I exist my words in my brain because I
(29:22):
exist my words in my brain because I exist my words in my
brain. Hi my name is.
(29:56):
Judleen and you can find me on Spotify at Judleen.
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