September 2, 2025 • 21 mins
How to set healthy boundaries without guilt, protect your peace, and create with freedom as a faith-driven leader.
Episode Overview
What is something every creator needs, many talk about, but few actually enforce? Boundaries.
In this episode, Jim unpacks why boundaries are essential for your mental, emotional, and spiritual health—and why defining them isn’t enough. You’ll discover what it looks like to actually enforce your non-negotiables, how to handle resistance (especially from family), and how saying “no” without guilt frees you to say “yes” to God’s calling.
What You’ll Walk Away With
- A faith-based perspective on why boundaries matter for creators and leaders
- The three principles of healthy boundaries you can apply right away
- Practical ways to communicate your boundaries with kindness and confidence
- A new way to think about “no” that removes guilt and anchors you in your mission
Faith Connection
Proverbs 4:23 calls us to guard our hearts with all diligence. Boundaries are how we do this. Even Jesus modeled them—choosing when to minister, when to rest, and when to withdraw. For Christian creators, boundaries aren’t selfish; they’re stewardship.
Creator Application
As a creator, if you don’t set your boundaries, algorithms, audiences, and even family members will set them for you. Boundaries give you the clarity, peace, and focus to create consistently without burning out.
Weekly Challenge
Pick one boundary you’ve been avoiding. Define it. Communicate it. Enforce it. Then watch how protecting your peace changes your creativity.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What is something that everyone of us need, few of us actually
have, and even less of usenforce the ones that we do have.
Well, we're going to talkabout that on today's episode.
Welcome to Online Business forChristian Creatives, the show that
helps you build a businessthat honors God, fuels your creativity
(00:20):
and actually pays the bills.
I'm your host, Jim Burgo,leadership coach, Faith first, entrepreneur,
and a guy who's made justabout every mistake.
So, so you don't have to.
Let's get into it.
Hey, welcome back to the show.
I'm Jim.
So grateful that you're here.
Today, we're going to talkabout something that every one of
(00:42):
us need.
If you want to protect yourpeace, if you want to help your mental
health, if you want to makesure that you're living a life that
is full, that is not going tobe falling apart, then you need boundaries.
And it is, it is a buzzwordout there and has been for a while.
But I'm going to tell you Iwant to help you in practical ways
on actually how to define howto think about and what to actually
(01:05):
do with boundaries.
Today's conversation isinspired by a Facebook post.
I made a hashtag, wisdombomband it says when you honor your non
negotiables, you don't losepeople, you gain the right people.
Now, when we pull back thecurtain of boundaries, we understand
that when we have properboundaries, people will leave.
(01:27):
However, the people that leaveare the people that don't respect
your boundaries.
These are the people that arecome in and say, oh, there's the
line.
And they're going to be like,either change the line, come back
to what you used to be, or I'm out.
And if it's a non negotiableand it should be, then you need to
hold the line because theirstaying does not, should not depend
(01:50):
on you caving on a nonnegotiable because without boundaries
we face burnout, we lackpeace, we lose creativity, we lose
a lot of our health, whetherit be mental, emotional or physical,
because we don't have theboundaries in place in order to live
the life at the level that Godhas called us to.
So I want to encourage, I wantto challenge and I want to give you
(02:14):
tools and tips on how to haveproper boundaries, what to think
about boundaries and, and howto actually enforce them when you're
faced with challenges.
There's a story from HenryCloud and John Townsend in a book
called Boundaries and they dida research study why kids feel safe.
And this whole Thing was,there was a little hill and there
(02:37):
was a school at the hill andthere was a bunch of kids there.
And at the bottom of the hillthere was a fence.
And every day at recess, theteacher would allow the kids to go
out and play in the field.
And when they went, they wouldgo as far as the fence.
Some of them would climb onthe fence, some of them would things
throughout the field.
But one day a researcher camein and said, could I remove the fence
(02:57):
and see what happens?
So they did.
And so when the kids came outfor recess that day, they noticed
that the fence was not there.
And you know what happened?
They stayed closer to the building.
They didn't go to the boundarybecause they didn't know where the
boundary was.
They didn't go where the fenceused to be.
They stayed closer because itwas safer because they.
(03:18):
The boundary was no longer defined.
So what does that mean for us?
Boundaries that are definedcreate freedom in our lives.
The kids knew the line andknew how far they can go to the line
without facing consequences,without feeling unsafe because they
understood, because the linewas clearly defined.
(03:38):
When you remove the line, orin most cases you don't have a line,
then guess what?
You're un unsure, you're fullof anxiety, you're full of just feeling
unsafe.
And so we have to define yoursafety net.
We have to define your safety zone.
And we have to also understandthat not everybody's going to agree
with that.
(03:59):
And that's okay.
Your life needs to be livedbefore God.
And the way God wants you tolive that life, not into the opinions
of others and how they dictateyour life should be because if you
listen to other people, theywill tell you to abandon your boundaries
and to live at a minimum statethat they can tolerate.
(04:19):
And you're not here to letthem tolerate you.
You're here to be a light toshine into this world.
So we want to emphasize thatboundaries do not equal restrictions.
We will hear that it does.
We will hear that they'retiring or that the people don't want
you to have them.
That's on them.
And it's not restricting.
It's freedom, it's protection,it's safety.
(04:41):
So we want to define them, wewant to think properly about them
and then we want to enforce them.
Because let me give you about,Let me give you a couple foundation
principles because we want tomake sure we start with how do you
think about boundaries?
We start with clarity.
Define your non negotiables,like time with God, Sabbath rest,
family dinner, Creative time.
(05:04):
Maybe you make a date withyourself every single day to read
to fish or whatever that is.
Have clarity.
Where you define this is a nonnegotiable with me consistency, A
boundary enforced halfway isjust a suggestion.
We either need to be all or nothing.
Will it take time to get intothe places of consistency?
Sure.
(05:24):
But you can't do a halfwayboundary expecting maximal results.
You must say these are my nonnegotiables because we clearly define
them.
These are the times I do them.
If you want time with me,you're going to make time with me
outside of my designatedthings so that I can stay consistent
in what matters to me, whatGod is calling me to, and what keeps
(05:46):
me healthy.
The next principle on how tothink about this is comparison.
Boundaries aren't walls,they're gates.
They let in the right thingsand they repel the wrong things.
Because a gate shut says, youcan't come in here unless I allow
it.
So if you're not going tolisten to the rules of the house
inside, you know, whateverrule I make, whatever is my heart
(06:09):
to keep me healthy, then youcan't come in.
And what that does is thatbegins to repel toxic people, toxic
behaviors, and allows theright behavior in what you define
as the right behaviors.
What the Bible defines as theuplifting, the encouraging, the loving
behaviors that you want inyour life.
And these are the things thatare allowed in because the other
(06:30):
things aren't.
Even the Bible goes so farinto saying it's proverbs.
Guard your heart with alldiligence, for out of it flows the
issues of life.
What does that really mean?
In light of this conversation?
Make sure you have boundariesto let the right things in your heart.
Because everything that yourheart produces determines what's
in your life.
So don't compare like it's nota wall to repel.
(06:52):
If you created walls, then youare in a place of unhealed trauma
that needs to be dealt with.
These are gates, which meansthese are entry points that I allow
the right in and I repel the wrong.
Because here's the bottom line.
If you don't protect yourpeace, no one else will.
If you don't protect yourmental and emotional health, others
(07:15):
may try to steal it.
Not consciously,subconsciously, because guess what?
Misery loves company.
So people who are misery, whoare miserable, who are, are hurt,
who are looking for others tobe in their nonsense with them, may
come to you trying to get youin their nonsense.
But your job, my job is to behealthy, to have healthy boundaries.
(07:36):
So I'm not living in otherpeople's nonsense and I'm not letting
people into my nonsense as I heal.
So remember that if you don'tprotect your peace, if you don't
guard your heart with all, alldiligence, nobody else will.
So let's get into thepractical implementations of boundaries
because I want to be able toimplement them practically so that
we enforce them later and thenwe can get into some of that sticky
(07:58):
dicey stuff.
So the number one isconsistent schedules.
Boundaries need to be on aconsistent schedule.
Now if you say I want timewith the Lord at 6am, set that time.
And if you sleep through it,you just get up and you do better
the next day.
This is not a shame and guilt thing.
But these are saying ifwhatever, six or seven or six to
(08:19):
seven, that one hour, youdon't take phone calls, you don't
take text, you don't, youdon't take anything coming to see
you or talk to you or distract you.
Because this is a scheduleyou've created for yourself.
You must put your boundarieson schedules to protect your time.
And the scheduled boundariesinclude any type of safeguards.
(08:40):
And your safeguards could beyou put your phone on do not disturb
with the caveat of maybe yourspouse being able to be the only
one set to call you in case ofemergency or if you have kids.
That'd be the only caveatbecause remember, the world is trying
to take from you.
So you need time to recharge.
Even Jesus recharged.
And so we want to put thingsin place that are going to protect
(09:03):
our boundaries.
And this is a beautiful thingbecause what happens when you have
a mother in law coming in andsaying, hey, I want your time.
And you go, well, this is mytime for spending time with the God,
with the Lord.
And she.
And he or she is like, well,no, this is, I need you when you
put your stuff on, do notdisturb, with the only exception
I mentioned, they may call youand it goes right to voicemail and
(09:25):
you can return your calls afterwards.
So it's a beautiful thing toput up a safe route or a guard if
somebody's trying to disturbyou, that you don't want to disturb
you during a sacred time, thatyou set aside your boundary time.
So we need to also understandthat practically we need to communicate
our boundaries.
Now this could be done in acouple ways.
(09:46):
The first being, hey, I have aset time from here to here.
I ask you not to disturb me ifyou can.
And this is where theconsequences, the enforcement side
comes in.
If you Keep disturbing meduring this time, then I'm going
to have to limit our, ourinteractions because you don't respect
me or my time or my boundaries.
So therefore, if you can'trespect those, you can't play in
(10:08):
the fields with me.
So we make sure that we areconstantly communicating the expectations,
the boundaries, the time frame.
And even if you want to go onefurther in the kindness of it and
or compassion, you can say,and I'll get back to you during this
time.
And that's totally acceptable.
And people will have to beokay with that.
And so now we're going to doanother layer of practicality.
(10:30):
And this is family mode,family boundaries, right?
And it still goes to things.
Set times, set boundaries.
Now, if you have a family withkids, you will have to do your set
times around certain other things.
Like if you take them toschool, you can't have your time
with God.
If you take them to school,the two may not mix.
So use discretion, but makesure that you are A, communicating
(10:52):
often.
B, set up a room.
Like, if you have like four orfive people in your house saying,
when I'm in this room and thedoor is shut, please do not disturb
until I come out.
And it may take a littlewhile, but constantly encourage,
constantly hold your ground.
And it.
They will come together and belike, okay, that's their time.
I remember hearing a story ofa mom who had multiple children.
(11:14):
And every time that motherwould want to pray, she would put
a cover over her and the kidswould bother at first and she said,
no, I'm praying, I'm praying.
And then the spouse got in,dad got in and was like, mom's praying.
Every time you see the COVIDmom is praying.
And the most beautiful thinghappened when, when they were constantly,
when she had that cover, theywould not, after a while, they would
(11:34):
no longer disturb her.
They said, oh, she's praying.
And then every part of thestory was, some of the kids got their
own covers and prayed.
And so that actuallyinteresting enough, can often lead
to something beautiful becauseyou don't know the boundaries.
And the health you're tryingto claim could set a spark of inspiration
for others to do the same.
(11:54):
So just remember, yourboundaries aren't just for your health.
It will impact others.
Now this comes to the stickypart, because the hardest part is
to make sure is to enforcethese boundaries.
That's super hard, especiallywith family.
And before I jump into thatpart of the conversation, I do want
to make mention now, I havebeen really focused on creative time,
(12:16):
personal time, you know,having those scheduled boundaries.
But there's alsoconversational boundaries and we'll
touch on that in a minute.
But I want to make sure thatyou understand there are emotional,
mental and conversational boundaries.
But let's get into theenforcement side before I jump into
that.
So one of the questions onthat post that I had mentioned earlier
said, what if your family orthe person you're trying to uphold
(12:38):
boundaries are, is with aspouse or with your mother or with
certain things.
Now, if you are married, notliving at home, let's deal with that
section first because I thinkthat's the easier of it because I
had a mom who was verychallenging a lot of times and didn't
know personal boundaries.
And a matter of fact, when Ihad personal boundaries, it became
a very challengingconversation of I didn't love her,
(13:01):
you know, all the shame andguilt and some manipulative things.
And.
And it was never the case.
It was.
I was choosing to protectmyself and that.
That didn't include her inthose conversations and that upset
her.
So with that being said, Iwill tell you that when you have
somebody that doesn't live athome, you can go lower contact or
the do not disturb and say,hey, if you don't need me, you can
(13:24):
communicate it.
Please communicate it.
Hey, if I'm during this time,I will not pick up.
My phone will be on do notdisturb or I will make sure I get
back to you.
But understand that if youtext me or do these things, you will
not hear me until I'm donewhat I'm doing.
And these are the things thatare going to be sticky, but it's
easier when it's.
They're not living with youbecause then if they don't respect,
(13:45):
you could just go lowercontact where you see them at Christmas.
Sure, it'll be awkward, it'llbe those things.
But I don't need to be in yourface or in conversation with you
24 7.
Especially if you don't, youdo not, like, respect me.
So we're going to go lowercontact now.
What if it's somebody in the house?
Now this is where thechallenge really gets it.
It's not impossible, but it'shard, especially when people, like
(14:10):
follow you around or dodifferent things.
Here's what I'm going to tellyou and it's going to be.
It's going to be simple butnot easy.
And that is constantly,constantly communicate.
This is a boundary for me.
Now, some people sayboundaries are if you say something
and hurt my feelings, that's a boundary.
You Cross.
(14:31):
That is not a boundary you cross.
You just got offended.
A boundary that's crossed thatsays at this time I'm journaling,
do not disturb me or I don'tlike this level of conversation and
it could be anything.
Some people don't like tobring up certain things in the past.
You've got to communicatethese things.
The more you communicate, thebetter it is.
(14:51):
Now the question then becomes,what if I communicate it and they
still don't care?
That's a whole differentsection because this is a part where
you may need therapy to talkit through.
But I will tell you, stick toyour grounds because one of two things
are going to happen.
They're either going to, theymay chase you a while, they may be
a little bit harder, like moreaggressive with the way they talk
(15:14):
or trying to get that out ofyou, that get that time.
But stick to your guns, stickto those boundaries because one of
two things are going to happen.
They're either going to say,you know what?
I'm not even, it's not worthme putting so much energy and time
into it.
Or they're going to leave.
And either decision is fine.
And you've got to be okay withboth decisions.
(15:34):
But at the end of the day,you've got to protect your peace,
you've got to protect yourmental health, you got to protect
your emotional health.
Now if you have an abusivesituation, I do sell tell people
the boundary is you can't layhands on me.
If you lay hands on me, youare no longer here or I am no longer
here, which means we move, oneof us move out and we are no longer
together.
(15:54):
That's a non negotiable.
We don't lay hands, we don'tdo these things.
Well, what if it's verbal abuse?
The same thing can go for that.
Listen, this is not how youtalk to me.
If you continue to talk to melike this and we can't work this
out or come to a mutualagreement, we've got to decide other
paths and you just got tostick to those guns.
You got to stick to thosepaths because here's what it comes
(16:15):
down to.
It's learning to say no.
You can't cross this linewithout the guilt because we tend
to be guilty because whatevertrauma we've been through, we think
we're a burden, we think thisis bad.
But it's learning to beassertive without being a jerk.
It's learning to step up forourselves without being abusive.
It's learning to say nowithout being manipulative.
(16:38):
It's learning to say, here'smy line without being emotionally
wrecked.
So we have to let go of theguilt, the get go of the condemnation
we give on ourselves whenwe're trying to live up and say,
this is the most healthiestfor me, right?
Because remember eight Romans,eight, eight, one says, therefore
there is no longer anycondemnation through all those in
(16:59):
Christ Jesus.
We've got to grab that verseand understand this is part of that
there.
You cannot condemn yourself.
You cannot allow others tocondemn yourself when learning to
say, no, you.
And so here's somealternatives you can affirm but redirect.
Thank you for asking, thankyou for bringing that up, but I can't
commit to that.
I don't feel comfortabletalking about that.
(17:21):
But here's what we can do instead.
Here's what we can talk about instead.
Did you see how we affirmed.
Thank you for bringing that up.
Thank you for asking thequestions, but I don't feel comfortable.
Let's go ahead and redirectuntil I can feel comfortable.
The second thing is preparesome no phrases.
You know, script it.
Scripting is not always a bad thing.
(17:42):
These are things that you'regoing to have like four or five different
ways to say no.
I'm sorry, I can't commit tothat flat out, no.
Maybe you go, that's a greatidea, but that's not for me.
Or maybe you go into thisplace of saying, you know, these
are great things that you'rebringing up.
I'm going to have to pass.
Do you see how I did all fourof those?
You can have those four.
(18:03):
You can write those four downor you can use your own.
Script it.
So when it.
When the situations come upthat you can affirm and redirect
in a pleasant way becauseyou've already, already decided what
you're going to say so that.
So you, my friends, who areafraid of conflict, you already have
the thing you need to pull outof your tool belt in order to say
no in polite ways so itdoesn't come across as conflict.
(18:26):
And the other thing we've gotto understand, saying no without
guilt is that every no anchorsyou in your calling, removes distraction,
and says yes to God's mission.
So remind yourself often thatsays this no was because this thing
did not come in line withGod's purpose or calling in my life.
(18:46):
It did not come in line withthe wholeness and the healing that
I'm trying to do.
So no here means a yes towhatever God's got for you.
And then the last thing isJust understanding that there is
fruit.
Because remember, we are allabout producing fruit.
There is fruit inside of boundaries.
It's not just the freedom thatthere's peace that guards your heart
(19:07):
and your mind.
It's Philippians 4.
7.
There's increased creativityand energy.
There's a healed nervous system.
There's a healed mental andemotional table right now.
Or we can also say healingbecause these are the things we want.
We want to be constantly healing.
We want to be creative.
We want to make sure we'reguarding our heart.
And it also, you know, givesus the fruit of integrity, a stronger
(19:30):
integrity.
People respect you.
If the people aren'trespecting you, it's the wrong people.
People who respect you will bepeople who respect your boundaries.
And the last thing is you arefree to flourish.
Remember, for thekindergarteners who, who were in
at the beginning story, theyhad the gate.
They could flourish within theboundary that was clearly defined
(19:51):
inside your life.
The boundaries that you createwith God is literally going to give
you the freedom to create withGod and flourish.
Because remember the proverbsalso says, without vision do people
cast off restraint without.
You can also put that withoutboundaries, without a.
A guardrail.
People just go crazy.
And you don't want that.
(20:12):
You want to be able to behealthy, healing and whole.
And to do that, you will need boundaries.
You will need to enforce yourboundaries, and you will need to
constantly be communicating it.
So as we land the plane oftoday's episode, so we're just gonna.
We're just gonna recap realquick, define it, write it down,
enforce it.
That's your mission for this week.
(20:32):
That's all it takes.
Because here's the thing.
Protecting your peace isprotecting your calling.
Protecting your peace iscommitting to emotional and mental
health.
So I want you to get outthere, follow the calling, get into
the thing that God has foryou, and start doing your boundaries.
Define it, write it, enforce it.
I'll even add, communicate it.
(20:54):
And then at the end of that,if you want to continue the conversation,
I would highly suggest thatyou join my newsletter@leadwithjim.com
nl for newsletter because thisis where we're going to continue
the conversation.
I'm going to drop some toolsin a little while that's going to
help you create better boundaries.
So with that being said, sograteful you're here.
(21:14):
I'll see you on the next episode.
What is something that everyone of us need, few of us actually
have, and even less of usenforce the ones that we do have.
Well, we're going to talkabout that on today's episode.
Welcome to Online Business forChristian Creatives, the show that
helps you build a businessthat honors God, fuels your creativity
(00:20):
and actually pays the bills.
I'm your host, Jim Burgo,leadership coach, Faith first, entrepreneur,
and a guy who's made justabout every mistake.
So, so you don't have to.
Let's get into it.
Hey, welcome back to the show.
I'm Jim.
So grateful that you're here.
Today, we're going to talkabout something that every one of
(00:42):
us need.
If you want to protect yourpeace, if you want to help your mental
health, if you want to makesure that you're living a life that
is full, that is not going tobe falling apart, then you need boundaries.
And it is, it is a buzzwordout there and has been for a while.
But I'm going to tell you Iwant to help you in practical ways
on actually how to define howto think about and what to actually
(01:05):
do with boundaries.
Today's conversation isinspired by a Facebook post.
I made a hashtag, wisdombomband it says when you honor your non
negotiables, you don't losepeople, you gain the right people.
Now, when we pull back thecurtain of boundaries, we understand
that when we have properboundaries, people will leave.
(01:27):
However, the people that leaveare the people that don't respect
your boundaries.
These are the people that arecome in and say, oh, there's the
line.
And they're going to be like,either change the line, come back
to what you used to be, or I'm out.
And if it's a non negotiableand it should be, then you need to
hold the line because theirstaying does not, should not depend
(01:50):
on you caving on a nonnegotiable because without boundaries
we face burnout, we lackpeace, we lose creativity, we lose
a lot of our health, whetherit be mental, emotional or physical,
because we don't have theboundaries in place in order to live
the life at the level that Godhas called us to.
So I want to encourage, I wantto challenge and I want to give you
(02:14):
tools and tips on how to haveproper boundaries, what to think
about boundaries and, and howto actually enforce them when you're
faced with challenges.
There's a story from HenryCloud and John Townsend in a book
called Boundaries and they dida research study why kids feel safe.
And this whole Thing was,there was a little hill and there
(02:37):
was a school at the hill andthere was a bunch of kids there.
And at the bottom of the hillthere was a fence.
And every day at recess, theteacher would allow the kids to go
out and play in the field.
And when they went, they wouldgo as far as the fence.
Some of them would climb onthe fence, some of them would things
throughout the field.
But one day a researcher camein and said, could I remove the fence
(02:57):
and see what happens?
So they did.
And so when the kids came outfor recess that day, they noticed
that the fence was not there.
And you know what happened?
They stayed closer to the building.
They didn't go to the boundarybecause they didn't know where the
boundary was.
They didn't go where the fenceused to be.
They stayed closer because itwas safer because they.
(03:18):
The boundary was no longer defined.
So what does that mean for us?
Boundaries that are definedcreate freedom in our lives.
The kids knew the line andknew how far they can go to the line
without facing consequences,without feeling unsafe because they
understood, because the linewas clearly defined.
(03:38):
When you remove the line, orin most cases you don't have a line,
then guess what?
You're un unsure, you're fullof anxiety, you're full of just feeling
unsafe.
And so we have to define yoursafety net.
We have to define your safety zone.
And we have to also understandthat not everybody's going to agree
with that.
(03:59):
And that's okay.
Your life needs to be livedbefore God.
And the way God wants you tolive that life, not into the opinions
of others and how they dictateyour life should be because if you
listen to other people, theywill tell you to abandon your boundaries
and to live at a minimum statethat they can tolerate.
(04:19):
And you're not here to letthem tolerate you.
You're here to be a light toshine into this world.
So we want to emphasize thatboundaries do not equal restrictions.
We will hear that it does.
We will hear that they'retiring or that the people don't want
you to have them.
That's on them.
And it's not restricting.
It's freedom, it's protection,it's safety.
(04:41):
So we want to define them, wewant to think properly about them
and then we want to enforce them.
Because let me give you about,Let me give you a couple foundation
principles because we want tomake sure we start with how do you
think about boundaries?
We start with clarity.
Define your non negotiables,like time with God, Sabbath rest,
family dinner, Creative time.
(05:04):
Maybe you make a date withyourself every single day to read
to fish or whatever that is.
Have clarity.
Where you define this is a nonnegotiable with me consistency, A
boundary enforced halfway isjust a suggestion.
We either need to be all or nothing.
Will it take time to get intothe places of consistency?
Sure.
(05:24):
But you can't do a halfwayboundary expecting maximal results.
You must say these are my nonnegotiables because we clearly define
them.
These are the times I do them.
If you want time with me,you're going to make time with me
outside of my designatedthings so that I can stay consistent
in what matters to me, whatGod is calling me to, and what keeps
(05:46):
me healthy.
The next principle on how tothink about this is comparison.
Boundaries aren't walls,they're gates.
They let in the right thingsand they repel the wrong things.
Because a gate shut says, youcan't come in here unless I allow
it.
So if you're not going tolisten to the rules of the house
inside, you know, whateverrule I make, whatever is my heart
(06:09):
to keep me healthy, then youcan't come in.
And what that does is thatbegins to repel toxic people, toxic
behaviors, and allows theright behavior in what you define
as the right behaviors.
What the Bible defines as theuplifting, the encouraging, the loving
behaviors that you want inyour life.
And these are the things thatare allowed in because the other
(06:30):
things aren't.
Even the Bible goes so farinto saying it's proverbs.
Guard your heart with alldiligence, for out of it flows the
issues of life.
What does that really mean?
In light of this conversation?
Make sure you have boundariesto let the right things in your heart.
Because everything that yourheart produces determines what's
in your life.
So don't compare like it's nota wall to repel.
(06:52):
If you created walls, then youare in a place of unhealed trauma
that needs to be dealt with.
These are gates, which meansthese are entry points that I allow
the right in and I repel the wrong.
Because here's the bottom line.
If you don't protect yourpeace, no one else will.
If you don't protect yourmental and emotional health, others
(07:15):
may try to steal it.
Not consciously,subconsciously, because guess what?
Misery loves company.
So people who are misery, whoare miserable, who are, are hurt,
who are looking for others tobe in their nonsense with them, may
come to you trying to get youin their nonsense.
But your job, my job is to behealthy, to have healthy boundaries.
(07:36):
So I'm not living in otherpeople's nonsense and I'm not letting
people into my nonsense as I heal.
So remember that if you don'tprotect your peace, if you don't
guard your heart with all, alldiligence, nobody else will.
So let's get into thepractical implementations of boundaries
because I want to be able toimplement them practically so that
we enforce them later and thenwe can get into some of that sticky
(07:58):
dicey stuff.
So the number one isconsistent schedules.
Boundaries need to be on aconsistent schedule.
Now if you say I want timewith the Lord at 6am, set that time.
And if you sleep through it,you just get up and you do better
the next day.
This is not a shame and guilt thing.
But these are saying ifwhatever, six or seven or six to
(08:19):
seven, that one hour, youdon't take phone calls, you don't
take text, you don't, youdon't take anything coming to see
you or talk to you or distract you.
Because this is a scheduleyou've created for yourself.
You must put your boundarieson schedules to protect your time.
And the scheduled boundariesinclude any type of safeguards.
(08:40):
And your safeguards could beyou put your phone on do not disturb
with the caveat of maybe yourspouse being able to be the only
one set to call you in case ofemergency or if you have kids.
That'd be the only caveatbecause remember, the world is trying
to take from you.
So you need time to recharge.
Even Jesus recharged.
And so we want to put thingsin place that are going to protect
(09:03):
our boundaries.
And this is a beautiful thingbecause what happens when you have
a mother in law coming in andsaying, hey, I want your time.
And you go, well, this is mytime for spending time with the God,
with the Lord.
And she.
And he or she is like, well,no, this is, I need you when you
put your stuff on, do notdisturb, with the only exception
I mentioned, they may call youand it goes right to voicemail and
(09:25):
you can return your calls afterwards.
So it's a beautiful thing toput up a safe route or a guard if
somebody's trying to disturbyou, that you don't want to disturb
you during a sacred time, thatyou set aside your boundary time.
So we need to also understandthat practically we need to communicate
our boundaries.
Now this could be done in acouple ways.
(09:46):
The first being, hey, I have aset time from here to here.
I ask you not to disturb me ifyou can.
And this is where theconsequences, the enforcement side
comes in.
If you Keep disturbing meduring this time, then I'm going
to have to limit our, ourinteractions because you don't respect
me or my time or my boundaries.
So therefore, if you can'trespect those, you can't play in
(10:08):
the fields with me.
So we make sure that we areconstantly communicating the expectations,
the boundaries, the time frame.
And even if you want to go onefurther in the kindness of it and
or compassion, you can say,and I'll get back to you during this
time.
And that's totally acceptable.
And people will have to beokay with that.
And so now we're going to doanother layer of practicality.
(10:30):
And this is family mode,family boundaries, right?
And it still goes to things.
Set times, set boundaries.
Now, if you have a family withkids, you will have to do your set
times around certain other things.
Like if you take them toschool, you can't have your time
with God.
If you take them to school,the two may not mix.
So use discretion, but makesure that you are A, communicating
(10:52):
often.
B, set up a room.
Like, if you have like four orfive people in your house saying,
when I'm in this room and thedoor is shut, please do not disturb
until I come out.
And it may take a littlewhile, but constantly encourage,
constantly hold your ground.
And it.
They will come together and belike, okay, that's their time.
I remember hearing a story ofa mom who had multiple children.
(11:14):
And every time that motherwould want to pray, she would put
a cover over her and the kidswould bother at first and she said,
no, I'm praying, I'm praying.
And then the spouse got in,dad got in and was like, mom's praying.
Every time you see the COVIDmom is praying.
And the most beautiful thinghappened when, when they were constantly,
when she had that cover, theywould not, after a while, they would
(11:34):
no longer disturb her.
They said, oh, she's praying.
And then every part of thestory was, some of the kids got their
own covers and prayed.
And so that actuallyinteresting enough, can often lead
to something beautiful becauseyou don't know the boundaries.
And the health you're tryingto claim could set a spark of inspiration
for others to do the same.
(11:54):
So just remember, yourboundaries aren't just for your health.
It will impact others.
Now this comes to the stickypart, because the hardest part is
to make sure is to enforcethese boundaries.
That's super hard, especiallywith family.
And before I jump into thatpart of the conversation, I do want
to make mention now, I havebeen really focused on creative time,
(12:16):
personal time, you know,having those scheduled boundaries.
But there's alsoconversational boundaries and we'll
touch on that in a minute.
But I want to make sure thatyou understand there are emotional,
mental and conversational boundaries.
But let's get into theenforcement side before I jump into
that.
So one of the questions onthat post that I had mentioned earlier
said, what if your family orthe person you're trying to uphold
(12:38):
boundaries are, is with aspouse or with your mother or with
certain things.
Now, if you are married, notliving at home, let's deal with that
section first because I thinkthat's the easier of it because I
had a mom who was verychallenging a lot of times and didn't
know personal boundaries.
And a matter of fact, when Ihad personal boundaries, it became
a very challengingconversation of I didn't love her,
(13:01):
you know, all the shame andguilt and some manipulative things.
And.
And it was never the case.
It was.
I was choosing to protectmyself and that.
That didn't include her inthose conversations and that upset
her.
So with that being said, Iwill tell you that when you have
somebody that doesn't live athome, you can go lower contact or
the do not disturb and say,hey, if you don't need me, you can
(13:24):
communicate it.
Please communicate it.
Hey, if I'm during this time,I will not pick up.
My phone will be on do notdisturb or I will make sure I get
back to you.
But understand that if youtext me or do these things, you will
not hear me until I'm donewhat I'm doing.
And these are the things thatare going to be sticky, but it's
easier when it's.
They're not living with youbecause then if they don't respect,
(13:45):
you could just go lowercontact where you see them at Christmas.
Sure, it'll be awkward, it'llbe those things.
But I don't need to be in yourface or in conversation with you
24 7.
Especially if you don't, youdo not, like, respect me.
So we're going to go lowercontact now.
What if it's somebody in the house?
Now this is where thechallenge really gets it.
It's not impossible, but it'shard, especially when people, like
(14:10):
follow you around or dodifferent things.
Here's what I'm going to tellyou and it's going to be.
It's going to be simple butnot easy.
And that is constantly,constantly communicate.
This is a boundary for me.
Now, some people sayboundaries are if you say something
and hurt my feelings, that's a boundary.
You Cross.
(14:31):
That is not a boundary you cross.
You just got offended.
A boundary that's crossed thatsays at this time I'm journaling,
do not disturb me or I don'tlike this level of conversation and
it could be anything.
Some people don't like tobring up certain things in the past.
You've got to communicatethese things.
The more you communicate, thebetter it is.
(14:51):
Now the question then becomes,what if I communicate it and they
still don't care?
That's a whole differentsection because this is a part where
you may need therapy to talkit through.
But I will tell you, stick toyour grounds because one of two things
are going to happen.
They're either going to, theymay chase you a while, they may be
a little bit harder, like moreaggressive with the way they talk
(15:14):
or trying to get that out ofyou, that get that time.
But stick to your guns, stickto those boundaries because one of
two things are going to happen.
They're either going to say,you know what?
I'm not even, it's not worthme putting so much energy and time
into it.
Or they're going to leave.
And either decision is fine.
And you've got to be okay withboth decisions.
(15:34):
But at the end of the day,you've got to protect your peace,
you've got to protect yourmental health, you got to protect
your emotional health.
Now if you have an abusivesituation, I do sell tell people
the boundary is you can't layhands on me.
If you lay hands on me, youare no longer here or I am no longer
here, which means we move, oneof us move out and we are no longer
together.
(15:54):
That's a non negotiable.
We don't lay hands, we don'tdo these things.
Well, what if it's verbal abuse?
The same thing can go for that.
Listen, this is not how youtalk to me.
If you continue to talk to melike this and we can't work this
out or come to a mutualagreement, we've got to decide other
paths and you just got tostick to those guns.
You got to stick to thosepaths because here's what it comes
(16:15):
down to.
It's learning to say no.
You can't cross this linewithout the guilt because we tend
to be guilty because whatevertrauma we've been through, we think
we're a burden, we think thisis bad.
But it's learning to beassertive without being a jerk.
It's learning to step up forourselves without being abusive.
It's learning to say nowithout being manipulative.
(16:38):
It's learning to say, here'smy line without being emotionally
wrecked.
So we have to let go of theguilt, the get go of the condemnation
we give on ourselves whenwe're trying to live up and say,
this is the most healthiestfor me, right?
Because remember eight Romans,eight, eight, one says, therefore
there is no longer anycondemnation through all those in
(16:59):
Christ Jesus.
We've got to grab that verseand understand this is part of that
there.
You cannot condemn yourself.
You cannot allow others tocondemn yourself when learning to
say, no, you.
And so here's somealternatives you can affirm but redirect.
Thank you for asking, thankyou for bringing that up, but I can't
commit to that.
I don't feel comfortabletalking about that.
(17:21):
But here's what we can do instead.
Here's what we can talk about instead.
Did you see how we affirmed.
Thank you for bringing that up.
Thank you for asking thequestions, but I don't feel comfortable.
Let's go ahead and redirectuntil I can feel comfortable.
The second thing is preparesome no phrases.
You know, script it.
Scripting is not always a bad thing.
(17:42):
These are things that you'regoing to have like four or five different
ways to say no.
I'm sorry, I can't commit tothat flat out, no.
Maybe you go, that's a greatidea, but that's not for me.
Or maybe you go into thisplace of saying, you know, these
are great things that you'rebringing up.
I'm going to have to pass.
Do you see how I did all fourof those?
You can have those four.
(18:03):
You can write those four downor you can use your own.
Script it.
So when it.
When the situations come upthat you can affirm and redirect
in a pleasant way becauseyou've already, already decided what
you're going to say so that.
So you, my friends, who areafraid of conflict, you already have
the thing you need to pull outof your tool belt in order to say
no in polite ways so itdoesn't come across as conflict.
(18:26):
And the other thing we've gotto understand, saying no without
guilt is that every no anchorsyou in your calling, removes distraction,
and says yes to God's mission.
So remind yourself often thatsays this no was because this thing
did not come in line withGod's purpose or calling in my life.
(18:46):
It did not come in line withthe wholeness and the healing that
I'm trying to do.
So no here means a yes towhatever God's got for you.
And then the last thing isJust understanding that there is
fruit.
Because remember, we are allabout producing fruit.
There is fruit inside of boundaries.
It's not just the freedom thatthere's peace that guards your heart
(19:07):
and your mind.
It's Philippians 4.
7.
There's increased creativityand energy.
There's a healed nervous system.
There's a healed mental andemotional table right now.
Or we can also say healingbecause these are the things we want.
We want to be constantly healing.
We want to be creative.
We want to make sure we'reguarding our heart.
And it also, you know, givesus the fruit of integrity, a stronger
(19:30):
integrity.
People respect you.
If the people aren'trespecting you, it's the wrong people.
People who respect you will bepeople who respect your boundaries.
And the last thing is you arefree to flourish.
Remember, for thekindergarteners who, who were in
at the beginning story, theyhad the gate.
They could flourish within theboundary that was clearly defined
(19:51):
inside your life.
The boundaries that you createwith God is literally going to give
you the freedom to create withGod and flourish.
Because remember the proverbsalso says, without vision do people
cast off restraint without.
You can also put that withoutboundaries, without a.
A guardrail.
People just go crazy.
And you don't want that.
(20:12):
You want to be able to behealthy, healing and whole.
And to do that, you will need boundaries.
You will need to enforce yourboundaries, and you will need to
constantly be communicating it.
So as we land the plane oftoday's episode, so we're just gonna.
We're just gonna recap realquick, define it, write it down,
enforce it.
That's your mission for this week.
(20:32):
That's all it takes.
Because here's the thing.
Protecting your peace isprotecting your calling.
Protecting your peace iscommitting to emotional and mental
health.
So I want you to get outthere, follow the calling, get into
the thing that God has foryou, and start doing your boundaries.
Define it, write it, enforce it.
I'll even add, communicate it.
(20:54):
And then at the end of that,if you want to continue the conversation,
I would highly suggest thatyou join my newsletter@leadwithjim.com
nl for newsletter because thisis where we're going to continue
the conversation.
I'm going to drop some toolsin a little while that's going to
help you create better boundaries.
So with that being said, sograteful you're here.
(21:14):
I'll see you on the next episode.
Host
Jim Burgoon
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