August 12, 2025 • 22 mins
Description:
People pleasing isn’t kindness — it’s often a slow drain on your calling, your health, and your walk with God. In this episode, Jim unpacks the psychology behind approval addiction, the biblical truth about boundaries, and why saying “no” might be the most spiritual word in your vocabulary.
You’ll discover how to protect your alignment, break free from chains of constant “yes,” and move from earning love to living loved — so you can step fully into the purpose God designed for you.
Key Insights:
- The Psychology of People Pleasing: How it’s rooted in childhood patterns, trauma, and low self-worth.
- The Spiritual Perspective: God says “no” to protect and redirect; Jesus modeled healthy boundaries.
- The Cost: Mental, physical, and spiritual burnout when your “yes” isn’t aligned.
- The Yuck Factor: Why discomfort when saying no is a sign of growth.
- From Earning Love to Living Loved: Shifting your motivation from seeking approval to fulfilling your calling.
Faith Connection:
Boundaries are a biblical principle. Colossians 3:23 reminds us to work “as for the Lord, not for human masters.” This episode encourages listeners to put God’s approval above all else, making “no” an act of obedience.
For Multipassionate Creators:
If you’re an author, speaker, coach, or content creator juggling opportunities, this episode will help you discern which “yeses” are truly yours to carry — and which “nos” will set you free to do your best Kingdom work.
Scriptures referenced in this episode:
- Romans 8:1
- 2nd Corinthians 12:7-10
- Deuteronomy 3:23-27
- Mark 1:35-38
- Colossians 3:23-24
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🎙️ Got a question?
Leave a voice message at leadwithjim.com/ask
Thanks for listening!
#peoplepleasing #purposeoverapproval #christianleadership #faithandbusiness #boundaries #livingloved #leadwithjim
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Have you ever had a time inyour life where you said yes, and
then instantly you regrettedthe thing you just said?
Like, you were like, yes, andthen you were like, what?
I should have said no, but Isaid yes.
And now you're stuck in thisloop of, I don't know how to get
out of it because I'm tooafraid of conflict.
(00:21):
So you sit in the yes andsilently dread about everything that's
going to come next.
Welcome to Online Business forChristian Creatives, the show that
helps you build a businessthat honors God, fuels your creativity,
and actually pays the bills.
I'm your host, Jim Burgoon,leadership coach, Faith first, entrepreneur,
(00:44):
and a guy who's made justabout every mistake so you don't
have to.
Let's get into it.
There are times when we sayyes when we should have said no.
Or maybe there are times whenGod told you that you should have
said no and you said yes.
Which now we're getting intolevels of different things that can
(01:04):
lead to some spiritualproblems, lead to some emotional
mental problems, because we'renot chasing purpose.
And as a recovering peoplepleaser, I want to be able to sit
here with you on this journeytowards health, towards chasing purpose
and not chasing being likedand not chasing being that person
who has to constantly feellike they say yes all the time because
(01:26):
of the expectations we put on ourselves.
So let's just say this for today.
On today's show, we're goingto say Romans 8:1.
I want you to go look it up atsome point, Romans 8:1.
Therefore, there is no longerany condemnation through all those
in Christ Jesus.
So as we unpack today, we'regoing to make sure that we understand
that we're not here to feel shame.
We're not here to feel guilt.
(01:47):
We're here to understand wherewe've come from.
We.
Who we are.
And how do we get beyond that?
Because here's what I know.
The more you say yes topeople, the less you're able to say
yes to yourself, at war, yesto God.
And so we get stuck in theseplaces and then we shame them.
Guilt ourselves.
And I shouldn't have said yes.
(02:08):
I should have said no, but Ididn't have the courage.
So shame and guilt come on us.
And this is not what we'rehere for.
We're here to expose the lie,live in the truth, and.
And move in a place of healingfrom people pleasing to purpose,
chasing.
And by the end of thisconversation, I want you to feel
that little discomfort.
(02:28):
Why?
Because you can't Grow in comfort.
Comfort is the enemy of growth.
So if we're going to trulygrow, we cannot change, we cannot
heal what we don't uncover.
So let's just start with thefact that you and I, recovering people
pleasers, and I use the wordrecovering because there's still
some tendencies as we heal.
Or maybe you're not a peoplepleaser at all, and that's good.
(02:51):
I'm here to speak to somepeople in Christian entrepreneurship.
Maybe you're a creator,author, a content creator, a speaker,
whatever you are, but you'redealing with this people pleasing.
You say more yeses and youjust don't know how to say no.
But what are the psychologicalproblems with people pleasing?
Because psychology has alsodone some deep study in this.
(03:13):
And psychology defines peoplepleasing as a pattern of behavior
where we put others needsahead of our own.
Now, that doesn't sound toobad at first, right?
But this is where the rubbermeets the road.
This is where it gets real,real little shaky is when we put
the people's, you know, needsahead of our own so much that we
(03:35):
neglect or ignore our own needs.
And everybody else's needsaround us are more important.
And this is why we have tounderstand the patterns of people
pleasing.
Because now we're neglectingourselves and we, we're putting other
people in front of us, whichmeans at some point we're going to
deal with some emotionalissues, some physical health issues,
(03:56):
some burnout, all of thisstuff because we're trying to go
after fear.
We're trying to go afterapproval and run from fear.
What we want people to like us.
We don't want people to reject us.
So there are a couple thingsthat we grew up with in a childhood
trauma that has caused thiscycle of people pleasing.
Number one, it really doesoften start in child childhood.
(04:18):
Maybe you were rewarded orcomplimented on doing good things
with good results.
And maybe when you messed upor made a mistake, you were highly
criticized or you were likepunished because you made a mistake
and you, it wasn't what theperson wanted.
And instead of encouraging youand coaching you and loving on you,
they made you feel like youwere the worst person in the world.
(04:42):
That's the environment wherepeople pleasing and perfectionism
is born in.
The second thing is it can betied to your trauma.
Now maybe you were justsomebody who grew up in a criticized
home and this was your learned behavior.
But people pleasing canoftentimes more often than not be
tied to deep childhood traumaor even adult trauma.
(05:04):
But most likely it's childhood.
And because You've lived, youlived in instability and there was
that constant feeling of beingunsafe, or you might have learned
to avoid conflict at all costs.
You needed to say yes towhatever was asked of you.
The last thing is, it's rootedin a low self worth.
(05:25):
I lost for a long time my ownself worth, that I was never worthy
nor believed I was good enoughto say no because I was believing
that value came from doing for others.
That value, my value was, wasseen or felt for me most when I made
others happy.
It's because of what I lackthat I overcompensated to try to
(05:47):
make sure everybody else had.
And this is where we start.
Because faith and psychologyshould not be separate at, you know,
any times because weunderstand that the patterns in the
science of the brain and thespirituality of the Bible should
intermix to a place where weunderstand what or we're getting
to the place of healing andunderstanding our own challenges
(06:11):
were based on environmental factors.
Now, the problem is, is thatscience also shows us that chronic
people pleasing is linked tohigher levels of cortisol, the stress
hormones.
So if you're a chronic peoplepleaser, you find yourself under
a lot more stress than normal,or I don't even know what we would
(06:31):
call normal, but you findyourself under this deep level of
stress.
The second thing is, is thatthis means that your NER system stays
in a fight or flight or fawnin order to make yourself safe.
And so people pleasing,perfectionism, or, or, you know,
the whole imposter syndromeare all interconnected to a nervous
(06:53):
system that is broken downinto dysregulation constantly.
And in order to feel safe, wemask it by saying, how can I help?
What can I help you with?
And this is why we strugglewith when people ask you as an entrepreneur,
what do you do?
Well, I do whatever you need.
Who, who do you help?
Whoever needs help.
That is the chronic signs, ornot the chronic, that is the telltale
(07:15):
signs of a chronic people pleaser.
We don't know how to definewho we're helping and we don't know
how to define what we'rehelping them with.
Because for us, for a longtime, and as a recovering people
pleaser, I went through this along, long time, is that we want
to help everybody do whateverwe can because that's where we got
value, that's where we felt safe.
(07:35):
And so we never were able tocommit to the one thing because it
felt unsafe to be committed.
Because if we were committed,we would say no.
And if we said no, Then theproblem becomes now we're struggling
with the lack of the comfort,the lack of the safety zone and we're
moving in to this place ofwe're just gotta run.
(07:55):
We gotta run.
Yes to everything, no to nothing.
And we're just gonna hide and mask.
And that's not God's plan foryou guys.
That is not what God wants.
That is not what God desiresof us.
So let me give you a biblical perspective.
If you thinking saying noisn't biblical, I've got some news
for you.
God says no all the time.
(08:16):
And if your theology doesn'tallow for God to say no, then we
need to check your yourtheology because God says no all.
So let number just break this down.
I'll give you a couple examples.
A couple, because there's alot more.
2nd Corinthians 12, 7, 10.
Paul begged God to remove thethorn in the flesh.
And what did God say?
No, my grace is sufficient for this.
(08:39):
And before.
And he goes on and says,beside, my power is seen in your
weakness.
He did.
He said no.
We have to make sure that weunderstand that there are times God
says no.
Then there's Deuteronomy3,23,27 where Moses pleaded with
Pharaoh to not Pharaoh.
Moses pleaded with God toenter the promised land.
(09:00):
And God was like, no.
Moses was not allowed to enterinto the promised land based on something
Moses did that was againstwhat God wanted.
God says no all the time.
And we've got to build arounda truth that we allow for that to
happen.
Because God's no is nevermeant to harm us.
(09:21):
It's meant to protect us andto redirect us.
Because what if the very thingthat you're trying to go after is
the very thing God is likethat's going to really hurt you.
Or what if the very thing thatyou were like saying yes to everything
God is trying to put pull youback so you don't burn out or burn
up and you're useless for it'sbasically nothing.
(09:43):
You're not useful for anything.
And God's like, hold on, thereis rest.
I want to give you rest.
And if you keep saying yes toeverything, you're building your
house on the sand and you willnever be able to enter into a rest.
So there is a value in saying no.
And so we just understand thatJesus even modeled this himself.
(10:03):
Mark 1, 35, 38, 38, hewithdrew to pray.
Now, I don't think we realizethat this is something that Jesus
basically said no to the crowdso he can spend personal Time with
God.
Right?
If Jesus was such a yesperson, he would have said yes to
the crowds and spent nopersonal time.
Jesus withdrew himself to theto prayer.
(10:24):
He had boundary and he said no.
Crowds look for him.
Disciples told him and he waslike, nah, we gonna pray and will
go somewhere else.
That is a no.
So even Jesus modeled this.
And so no, and this issomething I've taught for years.
No is some of the mostspiritual things or actually the
most spiritual thing you can say.
(10:45):
Because when I say no tosomething, that means I'm opening
myself up to saying yes tosomething important.
If I say no to your request,it doesn't mean I angry or upset
with you.
It doesn't mean that I don'tlike you.
It means this doesn't matchwhat God has for me.
So I say no to you currentlyso that I can redirect and say, God,
(11:05):
what would you like me to sayyes to?
And we have to understand thisis the level at which we have to
dive into the Word, dive intohearing the Holy Spirit and in our
own personal health, ourpsychological, mental and emotional
health, to understand that nois not unsafe.
In fact, no is safe.
Hear me when I say that no isa safe word.
(11:27):
You don't like it.
No.
It doesn't align.
No.
And then moving into the placewhere we say yes to whatever God
has for us and yes to thethings that we're here to do, the
people we're here to serve,and we're just.
It's not that I'm beingunloving by telling you no.
It's just that I'm redirectedover here to where I'm the greatest
(11:48):
use.
And there's somebody elsethat's going to come in your life
and be the yes that you need it.
We've got the spiritual perspective.
Now let's unpack for the nextthree to five minutes.
Why no is the most spiritualthing you can do.
Right?
Because we want to understand why.
Now remember, we're not hereto shame ourselves.
We're not here to condemn ourselves.
(12:09):
We're here to uncover thething, the patterns we have lived
in so that we can live in thehealthiest version of ourselves.
Number one, you're protectingyour alignment.
You're keeping your time, yourenergy, and your focus on what God's
called you to.
Those are priorities, my friend.
And if you keep saying yes,you get yourself out of alignment.
(12:29):
And then we cry.
If you're out of alignment,you feel like you're out of alignment.
I'm gonna go tell you checkyour nose because your nose represent
your boundaries and your priorities.
If you're out of alignment,your priorities are off and you have
no boundaries.
Let's just call it like we see it.
The second thing is we'rebreaking chains.
You're interrupting the cyclesof people pleasing.
(12:49):
Every no you have is a cycle breaker.
Like, as somebody who is arecovering people pleaser, no at
first was incredibly hard for me.
Incredibly.
It felt like acid on my skinevery time I said no.
But now I can say no left andright because like I said, I'm recovering
people.
Please.
I put the recovering theresimply because there are still places,
(13:11):
deep places in my own mentaland emotional health, physical journey
that I still struggle withthis stuff.
I still am quiet when I should talk.
I'm still like, doing thethings, running at times.
But I'm on.
I'm on a place of healing and.
But every time I say a no,another chain gets broken.
And that keeps not only myselfout of bondage, but everybody who
(13:33):
is following and drawing fromme, also out of bondage, because
I'm breaking chains every timeI say no.
And the very thing is you cando the same thing.
You can break the chains withevery no.
So if you grew up in thattrauma, because we opened up the
show with the trauma that fromour childhood we had that conversation.
So you learned a lot of things.
(13:55):
A ways to fly, fight, flight,or fawn.
You know, your traumaresponses, all that.
Every time you now put aboundary up and a priority and say
no, you're breaking a chainand you're rewiring your brain to
know that, to understand thatno no is safe and you're okay, and
you are a better person forhaving that in your vocabulary.
(14:17):
The last thing is this.
It's making room for obedience.
Every yes is a no to something else.
Now, I said this a few minutesago, but I want to unpack it just
for a second.
Because there are a lot oftimes saying no to the wrong thing
frees you up to saying yes forthe right thing.
How do I know it's the wrong thing?
Go back to the first thing I said.
(14:37):
I.
Are you in alignment?
Do you have priorities and boundaries?
If you've been in prayer, ifyou've been journaling, if you've
been talking to God, thenguess what?
You're finding your alignment.
Learn to put boundaries andcross guards on all of that so that
you can say yes to every timeit comes up and God says, here's
where you need to go.
Yes.
The challenge I see with usWhether you're an entrepreneur, a
(15:00):
creator, an author, a speaker,or a minister, whatever you're doing
and following the call of God,the challenges I see is we've said
yes to so much that we have notime, energy, or focus to say yes
to what really matters.
So let's reframe that andlet's put that into a place of saying
no to this and yes to thethings that we need to say yes to.
(15:23):
So I. I don't want tosugarcoat this, because there's going
to be the yuck feeling.
You know, the yuck factor.
We'll call it the yuck factor.
We have birthed something heretoday, the yuck factor.
Because as I was sayingearlier, the first time, it felt
like acid on my skin.
It hurt my heart.
I felt like I was failing Jesus.
I felt like I was failing people.
(15:43):
It was so painful.
But then I realized the more Isaid no, the more I was able to show
up, the more I said no, theeasier it was to do the things I
know I was meant to do.
Now, do you stumble and fall?
Yes.
But you've got to start somewhere.
And I would almost challengeyou this week that.
Find something you can say noto and then say no.
(16:05):
If you're a parent, you have.
You should have mastered thiswhen your kids come and say, can
I have?
Can I have?
Can I have?
No, no, no, no, no, no, noshould be the answers right now.
Let's take that same practiceyou've been doing with your kids.
Take that no and put itinternally and go, what can I say
no to?
That protects my piece, thatgives me more energy, that makes
(16:26):
me aligned properly andprotects me.
And yet I can show up powerfully.
Let's do that on the internalsof our own self so that we can show
up in an incredible way.
So as we start to.
To land the plane, there is noright or wrong in doing this.
I want to make sure youunderstand this.
This is not one of thosethings where you're going to be like,
I said no to this, and I saidyes to this.
(16:47):
There's no checklist.
Like, we don't getinstructions for life.
Like, life's hard and it hitshard and it hits fast.
And I told you I wouldn'tsugarcoat this.
And there's no room for overthinking.
Overthinking is oftentimes ourway of protecting ourselves from
actually committing.
So we have to learn to detoxfrom the things that we've basically
(17:09):
built up over the years, thetoxic negative responses.
And then we're going toretrain our nervous systems and it's
going to feel bad at firstbecause anything that's going to
be good oftentimes will feel bad.
If you don't believe me, gowork out for a little bit and you're
going to find that sucked.
But I love the results.
Same thing with your nervoussystem when you're resetting it,
(17:30):
it sucks, but you're going tolove the results when your body starts
getting back into alignmentand it does what it was created to
do and, but the object is, ismaking sure that we're, we're moving
from the places where we feelunsafe and we move into feeling safe
and safe in God's hands.
So I want to encourage youreal quick.
(17:50):
God's no isn't alwayspleasant, but it always has purpose.
Your no may not always bepleasant, whether it be no to yourself
or no to someone else.
But there should always be a purpose.
And that's what we're tryingto get to.
The mature faith thatunderstands that, that receives that.
Because here's what it'scosting you as a people pleaser.
Physically, it is startingscientifically, it's starting to
(18:13):
be shown that chronic stresswrecks your immune system and you
end up insomnia.
You end up with someautoimmune issues, you have no energy.
All of these things are nowbeing discovered that it's being
connected to a dysregulated system.
Number two, emotionally.
If you're such an over peopleover accommodating people pleaser,
(18:35):
you're going to be resentful,bitter, disconnected, angry.
Because you're constantlysaying yes because you've never taken
time for yourself.
Spiritually, you burn out, youlose focus.
The kingdom assignment ismissing simply because you don't
know how to frame your youryeses and nos correctly.
(18:56):
That's why we're going to practice.
We're going to say that thisweek and we're going to say no to
the things we need to say noto and yes to the things that we
need to say yes to.
Are we going to get it wrong?
Absolutely.
But through practice anddiscernment we can get more right
than we're wrong.
But start somewhere, startsmall, take steps and get there.
Because you cannot fully enterinto your calling if you're constantly
(19:18):
running on empty.
So here's the shift fromearning love to living love.
Let me say that one more time.
We're moving from we feel theneed to earn love, or maybe you can
even say earning respect,earning to be seen, earning the right
to exist.
We're moving from that tobeing living loved, living respected,
(19:43):
living seen.
Because now we're changing thefocus from I need everybody's approval
to feel these things to I'mgoing to live these things whether
I have your approval or not.
Because God has approved me.
He said he loved me.
He gave me the spirit of adoption.
He's with me the whole.
He says he'll never leave norforsaken, so forsake me.
(20:04):
So therefore, if I reframethis and I live a life of love or
being loved, or I am loved andI learned to love myself, I am not
dependent on earning your loveor earning your respect or earning
anything from you.
And your addition to my lifeis a blessing that I can.
(20:24):
I feel love from you, but Idon't need you to love me.
Do you see the difference?
I'm not codependent on you.
I am dependent upon God.
And so.
And with every encounter thatwe have, you know, with God, with
people, it isn't about makingsomeone like you.
Colossians 3, 23 and 24.
Let me read this.
Whatever you do, work at itwith all of your heart as working
(20:47):
for the Lord, not for human masters.
That is purpose chasing.
Nah, that is freedom.
That is freedom, guys, becausehere's the deal.
Who is your master?
Your need to be loved makespeople your master.
So you can't say no to your master.
(21:07):
Living from a place of lovebecause Christ loved you, he died
on a cross for you.
Living from that place of lovechanges the game entirely.
We're not fighting for victoryin Christ, we're fighting from victory
in Christ.
The mentality is different,the energy is different, the way
we approach things is different.
So let's instead of fightingfor love, fighting for the need to
(21:30):
feel loved, let's fight from aplace of we're already loved.
Let's fight from a place thatwe're already respected.
I promise you the energy willbe different, the direction will
be different, the purpose willbe different.
And you're going to live afull life in a mature life.
And at the end of the day,you're going to understand what it
(21:50):
means to love others as yourself.
And I think that's reallywhere the rubber hits the road is
getting to shift from thatpurpose or that, that people pleasing
to purpose changing or purpose chasing.
Learn to balance.
Get in there, get out thereand do the thing.
And with that, I will see youon the next episode.
Have you ever had a time inyour life where you said yes, and
then instantly you regrettedthe thing you just said?
Like, you were like, yes, andthen you were like, what?
I should have said no, but Isaid yes.
And now you're stuck in thisloop of, I don't know how to get
out of it because I'm tooafraid of conflict.
(00:21):
So you sit in the yes andsilently dread about everything that's
going to come next.
Welcome to Online Business forChristian Creatives, the show that
helps you build a businessthat honors God, fuels your creativity,
and actually pays the bills.
I'm your host, Jim Burgoon,leadership coach, Faith first, entrepreneur,
(00:44):
and a guy who's made justabout every mistake so you don't
have to.
Let's get into it.
There are times when we sayyes when we should have said no.
Or maybe there are times whenGod told you that you should have
said no and you said yes.
Which now we're getting intolevels of different things that can
(01:04):
lead to some spiritualproblems, lead to some emotional
mental problems, because we'renot chasing purpose.
And as a recovering peoplepleaser, I want to be able to sit
here with you on this journeytowards health, towards chasing purpose
and not chasing being likedand not chasing being that person
who has to constantly feellike they say yes all the time because
(01:26):
of the expectations we put on ourselves.
So let's just say this for today.
On today's show, we're goingto say Romans 8:1.
I want you to go look it up atsome point, Romans 8:1.
Therefore, there is no longerany condemnation through all those
in Christ Jesus.
So as we unpack today, we'regoing to make sure that we understand
that we're not here to feel shame.
We're not here to feel guilt.
(01:47):
We're here to understand wherewe've come from.
We.
Who we are.
And how do we get beyond that?
Because here's what I know.
The more you say yes topeople, the less you're able to say
yes to yourself, at war, yesto God.
And so we get stuck in theseplaces and then we shame them.
Guilt ourselves.
And I shouldn't have said yes.
(02:08):
I should have said no, but Ididn't have the courage.
So shame and guilt come on us.
And this is not what we'rehere for.
We're here to expose the lie,live in the truth, and.
And move in a place of healingfrom people pleasing to purpose,
chasing.
And by the end of thisconversation, I want you to feel
that little discomfort.
(02:28):
Why?
Because you can't Grow in comfort.
Comfort is the enemy of growth.
So if we're going to trulygrow, we cannot change, we cannot
heal what we don't uncover.
So let's just start with thefact that you and I, recovering people
pleasers, and I use the wordrecovering because there's still
some tendencies as we heal.
Or maybe you're not a peoplepleaser at all, and that's good.
(02:51):
I'm here to speak to somepeople in Christian entrepreneurship.
Maybe you're a creator,author, a content creator, a speaker,
whatever you are, but you'redealing with this people pleasing.
You say more yeses and youjust don't know how to say no.
But what are the psychologicalproblems with people pleasing?
Because psychology has alsodone some deep study in this.
(03:13):
And psychology defines peoplepleasing as a pattern of behavior
where we put others needsahead of our own.
Now, that doesn't sound toobad at first, right?
But this is where the rubbermeets the road.
This is where it gets real,real little shaky is when we put
the people's, you know, needsahead of our own so much that we
(03:35):
neglect or ignore our own needs.
And everybody else's needsaround us are more important.
And this is why we have tounderstand the patterns of people
pleasing.
Because now we're neglectingourselves and we, we're putting other
people in front of us, whichmeans at some point we're going to
deal with some emotionalissues, some physical health issues,
(03:56):
some burnout, all of thisstuff because we're trying to go
after fear.
We're trying to go afterapproval and run from fear.
What we want people to like us.
We don't want people to reject us.
So there are a couple thingsthat we grew up with in a childhood
trauma that has caused thiscycle of people pleasing.
Number one, it really doesoften start in child childhood.
(04:18):
Maybe you were rewarded orcomplimented on doing good things
with good results.
And maybe when you messed upor made a mistake, you were highly
criticized or you were likepunished because you made a mistake
and you, it wasn't what theperson wanted.
And instead of encouraging youand coaching you and loving on you,
they made you feel like youwere the worst person in the world.
(04:42):
That's the environment wherepeople pleasing and perfectionism
is born in.
The second thing is it can betied to your trauma.
Now maybe you were justsomebody who grew up in a criticized
home and this was your learned behavior.
But people pleasing canoftentimes more often than not be
tied to deep childhood traumaor even adult trauma.
(05:04):
But most likely it's childhood.
And because You've lived, youlived in instability and there was
that constant feeling of beingunsafe, or you might have learned
to avoid conflict at all costs.
You needed to say yes towhatever was asked of you.
The last thing is, it's rootedin a low self worth.
(05:25):
I lost for a long time my ownself worth, that I was never worthy
nor believed I was good enoughto say no because I was believing
that value came from doing for others.
That value, my value was, wasseen or felt for me most when I made
others happy.
It's because of what I lackthat I overcompensated to try to
(05:47):
make sure everybody else had.
And this is where we start.
Because faith and psychologyshould not be separate at, you know,
any times because weunderstand that the patterns in the
science of the brain and thespirituality of the Bible should
intermix to a place where weunderstand what or we're getting
to the place of healing andunderstanding our own challenges
(06:11):
were based on environmental factors.
Now, the problem is, is thatscience also shows us that chronic
people pleasing is linked tohigher levels of cortisol, the stress
hormones.
So if you're a chronic peoplepleaser, you find yourself under
a lot more stress than normal,or I don't even know what we would
(06:31):
call normal, but you findyourself under this deep level of
stress.
The second thing is, is thatthis means that your NER system stays
in a fight or flight or fawnin order to make yourself safe.
And so people pleasing,perfectionism, or, or, you know,
the whole imposter syndromeare all interconnected to a nervous
(06:53):
system that is broken downinto dysregulation constantly.
And in order to feel safe, wemask it by saying, how can I help?
What can I help you with?
And this is why we strugglewith when people ask you as an entrepreneur,
what do you do?
Well, I do whatever you need.
Who, who do you help?
Whoever needs help.
That is the chronic signs, ornot the chronic, that is the telltale
(07:15):
signs of a chronic people pleaser.
We don't know how to definewho we're helping and we don't know
how to define what we'rehelping them with.
Because for us, for a longtime, and as a recovering people
pleaser, I went through this along, long time, is that we want
to help everybody do whateverwe can because that's where we got
value, that's where we felt safe.
(07:35):
And so we never were able tocommit to the one thing because it
felt unsafe to be committed.
Because if we were committed,we would say no.
And if we said no, Then theproblem becomes now we're struggling
with the lack of the comfort,the lack of the safety zone and we're
moving in to this place ofwe're just gotta run.
(07:55):
We gotta run.
Yes to everything, no to nothing.
And we're just gonna hide and mask.
And that's not God's plan foryou guys.
That is not what God wants.
That is not what God desiresof us.
So let me give you a biblical perspective.
If you thinking saying noisn't biblical, I've got some news
for you.
God says no all the time.
(08:16):
And if your theology doesn'tallow for God to say no, then we
need to check your yourtheology because God says no all.
So let number just break this down.
I'll give you a couple examples.
A couple, because there's alot more.
2nd Corinthians 12, 7, 10.
Paul begged God to remove thethorn in the flesh.
And what did God say?
No, my grace is sufficient for this.
(08:39):
And before.
And he goes on and says,beside, my power is seen in your
weakness.
He did.
He said no.
We have to make sure that weunderstand that there are times God
says no.
Then there's Deuteronomy3,23,27 where Moses pleaded with
Pharaoh to not Pharaoh.
Moses pleaded with God toenter the promised land.
(09:00):
And God was like, no.
Moses was not allowed to enterinto the promised land based on something
Moses did that was againstwhat God wanted.
God says no all the time.
And we've got to build arounda truth that we allow for that to
happen.
Because God's no is nevermeant to harm us.
(09:21):
It's meant to protect us andto redirect us.
Because what if the very thingthat you're trying to go after is
the very thing God is likethat's going to really hurt you.
Or what if the very thing thatyou were like saying yes to everything
God is trying to put pull youback so you don't burn out or burn
up and you're useless for it'sbasically nothing.
(09:43):
You're not useful for anything.
And God's like, hold on, thereis rest.
I want to give you rest.
And if you keep saying yes toeverything, you're building your
house on the sand and you willnever be able to enter into a rest.
So there is a value in saying no.
And so we just understand thatJesus even modeled this himself.
(10:03):
Mark 1, 35, 38, 38, hewithdrew to pray.
Now, I don't think we realizethat this is something that Jesus
basically said no to the crowdso he can spend personal Time with
God.
Right?
If Jesus was such a yesperson, he would have said yes to
the crowds and spent nopersonal time.
Jesus withdrew himself to theto prayer.
(10:24):
He had boundary and he said no.
Crowds look for him.
Disciples told him and he waslike, nah, we gonna pray and will
go somewhere else.
That is a no.
So even Jesus modeled this.
And so no, and this issomething I've taught for years.
No is some of the mostspiritual things or actually the
most spiritual thing you can say.
(10:45):
Because when I say no tosomething, that means I'm opening
myself up to saying yes tosomething important.
If I say no to your request,it doesn't mean I angry or upset
with you.
It doesn't mean that I don'tlike you.
It means this doesn't matchwhat God has for me.
So I say no to you currentlyso that I can redirect and say, God,
(11:05):
what would you like me to sayyes to?
And we have to understand thisis the level at which we have to
dive into the Word, dive intohearing the Holy Spirit and in our
own personal health, ourpsychological, mental and emotional
health, to understand that nois not unsafe.
In fact, no is safe.
Hear me when I say that no isa safe word.
(11:27):
You don't like it.
No.
It doesn't align.
No.
And then moving into the placewhere we say yes to whatever God
has for us and yes to thethings that we're here to do, the
people we're here to serve,and we're just.
It's not that I'm beingunloving by telling you no.
It's just that I'm redirectedover here to where I'm the greatest
(11:48):
use.
And there's somebody elsethat's going to come in your life
and be the yes that you need it.
We've got the spiritual perspective.
Now let's unpack for the nextthree to five minutes.
Why no is the most spiritualthing you can do.
Right?
Because we want to understand why.
Now remember, we're not hereto shame ourselves.
We're not here to condemn ourselves.
(12:09):
We're here to uncover thething, the patterns we have lived
in so that we can live in thehealthiest version of ourselves.
Number one, you're protectingyour alignment.
You're keeping your time, yourenergy, and your focus on what God's
called you to.
Those are priorities, my friend.
And if you keep saying yes,you get yourself out of alignment.
(12:29):
And then we cry.
If you're out of alignment,you feel like you're out of alignment.
I'm gonna go tell you checkyour nose because your nose represent
your boundaries and your priorities.
If you're out of alignment,your priorities are off and you have
no boundaries.
Let's just call it like we see it.
The second thing is we'rebreaking chains.
You're interrupting the cyclesof people pleasing.
(12:49):
Every no you have is a cycle breaker.
Like, as somebody who is arecovering people pleaser, no at
first was incredibly hard for me.
Incredibly.
It felt like acid on my skinevery time I said no.
But now I can say no left andright because like I said, I'm recovering
people.
Please.
I put the recovering theresimply because there are still places,
(13:11):
deep places in my own mentaland emotional health, physical journey
that I still struggle withthis stuff.
I still am quiet when I should talk.
I'm still like, doing thethings, running at times.
But I'm on.
I'm on a place of healing and.
But every time I say a no,another chain gets broken.
And that keeps not only myselfout of bondage, but everybody who
(13:33):
is following and drawing fromme, also out of bondage, because
I'm breaking chains every timeI say no.
And the very thing is you cando the same thing.
You can break the chains withevery no.
So if you grew up in thattrauma, because we opened up the
show with the trauma that fromour childhood we had that conversation.
So you learned a lot of things.
(13:55):
A ways to fly, fight, flight,or fawn.
You know, your traumaresponses, all that.
Every time you now put aboundary up and a priority and say
no, you're breaking a chainand you're rewiring your brain to
know that, to understand thatno no is safe and you're okay, and
you are a better person forhaving that in your vocabulary.
(14:17):
The last thing is this.
It's making room for obedience.
Every yes is a no to something else.
Now, I said this a few minutesago, but I want to unpack it just
for a second.
Because there are a lot oftimes saying no to the wrong thing
frees you up to saying yes forthe right thing.
How do I know it's the wrong thing?
Go back to the first thing I said.
(14:37):
I.
Are you in alignment?
Do you have priorities and boundaries?
If you've been in prayer, ifyou've been journaling, if you've
been talking to God, thenguess what?
You're finding your alignment.
Learn to put boundaries andcross guards on all of that so that
you can say yes to every timeit comes up and God says, here's
where you need to go.
Yes.
The challenge I see with usWhether you're an entrepreneur, a
(15:00):
creator, an author, a speaker,or a minister, whatever you're doing
and following the call of God,the challenges I see is we've said
yes to so much that we have notime, energy, or focus to say yes
to what really matters.
So let's reframe that andlet's put that into a place of saying
no to this and yes to thethings that we need to say yes to.
(15:23):
So I. I don't want tosugarcoat this, because there's going
to be the yuck feeling.
You know, the yuck factor.
We'll call it the yuck factor.
We have birthed something heretoday, the yuck factor.
Because as I was sayingearlier, the first time, it felt
like acid on my skin.
It hurt my heart.
I felt like I was failing Jesus.
I felt like I was failing people.
(15:43):
It was so painful.
But then I realized the more Isaid no, the more I was able to show
up, the more I said no, theeasier it was to do the things I
know I was meant to do.
Now, do you stumble and fall?
Yes.
But you've got to start somewhere.
And I would almost challengeyou this week that.
Find something you can say noto and then say no.
(16:05):
If you're a parent, you have.
You should have mastered thiswhen your kids come and say, can
I have?
Can I have?
Can I have?
No, no, no, no, no, no, noshould be the answers right now.
Let's take that same practiceyou've been doing with your kids.
Take that no and put itinternally and go, what can I say
no to?
That protects my piece, thatgives me more energy, that makes
(16:26):
me aligned properly andprotects me.
And yet I can show up powerfully.
Let's do that on the internalsof our own self so that we can show
up in an incredible way.
So as we start to.
To land the plane, there is noright or wrong in doing this.
I want to make sure youunderstand this.
This is not one of thosethings where you're going to be like,
I said no to this, and I saidyes to this.
(16:47):
There's no checklist.
Like, we don't getinstructions for life.
Like, life's hard and it hitshard and it hits fast.
And I told you I wouldn'tsugarcoat this.
And there's no room for overthinking.
Overthinking is oftentimes ourway of protecting ourselves from
actually committing.
So we have to learn to detoxfrom the things that we've basically
(17:09):
built up over the years, thetoxic negative responses.
And then we're going toretrain our nervous systems and it's
going to feel bad at firstbecause anything that's going to
be good oftentimes will feel bad.
If you don't believe me, gowork out for a little bit and you're
going to find that sucked.
But I love the results.
Same thing with your nervoussystem when you're resetting it,
(17:30):
it sucks, but you're going tolove the results when your body starts
getting back into alignmentand it does what it was created to
do and, but the object is, ismaking sure that we're, we're moving
from the places where we feelunsafe and we move into feeling safe
and safe in God's hands.
So I want to encourage youreal quick.
(17:50):
God's no isn't alwayspleasant, but it always has purpose.
Your no may not always bepleasant, whether it be no to yourself
or no to someone else.
But there should always be a purpose.
And that's what we're tryingto get to.
The mature faith thatunderstands that, that receives that.
Because here's what it'scosting you as a people pleaser.
Physically, it is startingscientifically, it's starting to
(18:13):
be shown that chronic stresswrecks your immune system and you
end up insomnia.
You end up with someautoimmune issues, you have no energy.
All of these things are nowbeing discovered that it's being
connected to a dysregulated system.
Number two, emotionally.
If you're such an over peopleover accommodating people pleaser,
(18:35):
you're going to be resentful,bitter, disconnected, angry.
Because you're constantlysaying yes because you've never taken
time for yourself.
Spiritually, you burn out, youlose focus.
The kingdom assignment ismissing simply because you don't
know how to frame your youryeses and nos correctly.
(18:56):
That's why we're going to practice.
We're going to say that thisweek and we're going to say no to
the things we need to say noto and yes to the things that we
need to say yes to.
Are we going to get it wrong?
Absolutely.
But through practice anddiscernment we can get more right
than we're wrong.
But start somewhere, startsmall, take steps and get there.
Because you cannot fully enterinto your calling if you're constantly
(19:18):
running on empty.
So here's the shift fromearning love to living love.
Let me say that one more time.
We're moving from we feel theneed to earn love, or maybe you can
even say earning respect,earning to be seen, earning the right
to exist.
We're moving from that tobeing living loved, living respected,
(19:43):
living seen.
Because now we're changing thefocus from I need everybody's approval
to feel these things to I'mgoing to live these things whether
I have your approval or not.
Because God has approved me.
He said he loved me.
He gave me the spirit of adoption.
He's with me the whole.
He says he'll never leave norforsaken, so forsake me.
(20:04):
So therefore, if I reframethis and I live a life of love or
being loved, or I am loved andI learned to love myself, I am not
dependent on earning your loveor earning your respect or earning
anything from you.
And your addition to my lifeis a blessing that I can.
(20:24):
I feel love from you, but Idon't need you to love me.
Do you see the difference?
I'm not codependent on you.
I am dependent upon God.
And so.
And with every encounter thatwe have, you know, with God, with
people, it isn't about makingsomeone like you.
Colossians 3, 23 and 24.
Let me read this.
Whatever you do, work at itwith all of your heart as working
(20:47):
for the Lord, not for human masters.
That is purpose chasing.
Nah, that is freedom.
That is freedom, guys, becausehere's the deal.
Who is your master?
Your need to be loved makespeople your master.
So you can't say no to your master.
(21:07):
Living from a place of lovebecause Christ loved you, he died
on a cross for you.
Living from that place of lovechanges the game entirely.
We're not fighting for victoryin Christ, we're fighting from victory
in Christ.
The mentality is different,the energy is different, the way
we approach things is different.
So let's instead of fightingfor love, fighting for the need to
(21:30):
feel loved, let's fight from aplace of we're already loved.
Let's fight from a place thatwe're already respected.
I promise you the energy willbe different, the direction will
be different, the purpose willbe different.
And you're going to live afull life in a mature life.
And at the end of the day,you're going to understand what it
(21:50):
means to love others as yourself.
And I think that's reallywhere the rubber hits the road is
getting to shift from thatpurpose or that, that people pleasing
to purpose changing or purpose chasing.
Learn to balance.
Get in there, get out thereand do the thing.
And with that, I will see youon the next episode.
Host
Jim Burgoon
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