August 1, 2025 • 59 mins
On this week's bonus episode of Selective Ignorance, Mandii B takes you on a deeply personal journey through sexual liberation, self-reflection, and the evolving dynamics of love. She begins by discussing what personal progression looks like beyond appearances [00:00], before unpacking the emotional layers of shame, regret, and how they fuel growth [02:57].
The conversation dives into the interplay of money, sex, and self-worth, exploring how transactional relationships shaped her self-perception [05:49], and the emotional complexity behind romantic entanglements and blurred boundaries [08:44]. Mandii reflects on past choices that once carried guilt but now serve as milestones of learning[11:59].
She candidly shares her experience as a side chick [14:51] and how it informed her understanding of love, betrayal, and resilience [17:47]. Vulnerability becomes a source of strength as she explores how openness can lead to empowerment[20:43], especially when revisiting the imprint of past relationships [23:41].
Through stories of heartbreak [26:34] and hard-earned lessons about the role money plays in intimacy [29:10], Mandii moves toward a place of self-acceptance and grace [32:13]. She emphasizes the power of setting boundaries in romantic and personal growth [35:08], and navigates the nuanced realities of non-monogamous dynamics [37:42].
The episode closes with a reflective chapter on loss, letting go, and the love that remains after the end [40:53]—reminding listeners that healing, though messy, is also transformational.
“No Holes Barred: A Dual Manifesto Of Sexual Exploration And Power” w/ Tempest X!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back, guys to selective ignorance. I'm your host, Mandy B.
And this is where unfiltered truth meets unapologetic growth, and
y'all today it is the third part of my book club,
and we're stepping into the part of the journey that
I call progression. It's easy to glamorize sexual liberation when
(00:21):
you're finally free rank, free from judgment, free from shame,
free from playing by someone else's roles. And in that space,
I said a lot. I laughed loud, I wore the
label of a side chick with no remorse. I cracked
jokes about transactional sex power dynamics and how quote unquote
love was optional if the cash was correct. But here's
the thing about ignorance, especially the selective kind. It protects
(00:45):
you only until it doesn't. I evolved, and not just
because I woke up one day. Nah. Life kind of
humbled me, and financial freedom gave me a taste of
self worth that didn't come with strings or secrets. I
didn't have to reform, didn't have to settle, didn't have
to justify any fucking thing. Okay, I started seeing myself
(01:05):
as someone deserving, not just desired. And then I fell
in love for real and got betrayed for real, and
that pain, it cracks something open. It gave me empathy
in ways I wasn't ready for. And suddenly I could
feel the way of being someone's second choice and realized that,
no matter how long or how loud you locked it off,
(01:27):
being number two doesn't come with a crowd. There's growth here,
but not the pretty pinterest kind. I'm talking about the raw,
gut checking kind that makes you sit alone and ask yourself,
what the fuck was I thinking? And as a woman,
that part, right, that holding up the mirror part, that's
the hardest. We fight so hard to own our choices
(01:49):
that we don't always know how to forgive them. But
here's what I've learned. Growth requires grace. And I know
I don't like inviting that whole to the cookout, but
you actually do have to bring her around sometimes, and
you can't evolve without reckoning what the person you are,
without checking her but understanding her, without judging her, but
(02:11):
allowing her to have made those mistakes so that you
could do better. So let's get into it. No more
hose Bard, just truth lessons than the path forward. Let's
talk about shame, regret, and the messy miracle of becoming.
Welcome to the third book club session. It's Your Girl
(02:34):
main dB and we're going through the progression portion of
No hose Bard, a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power.
If you haven't gotten it yet, make sure you go
get it wherever you get books. These chapters are titled
What's Your Price? Do married men really treat you Better?
(02:57):
And why do you need me to need you? I
mentioned it before, this was this was the section I
kept at the end. This is the section I needed
therapy for the most. This was the section that to me,
had to be in the book. I've kind of expressed
(03:18):
a few times the difference in the creative portion of
writing this book. Weezy wanted to lean far heavier into
making the Cineurotica. I thought at the time that I
was in it was, you know, nearing the end of
my relationship but going through a lot of things in therapy,
(03:38):
and I was like, if I can't talk about the
things I want to talk about for my therapy sessions,
then I don't want to write this book. So this
was the hardest portion of the book for me to write.
It pretty much made me have to hold up the
mirror to myself and really dig into regret, shame, and
(03:59):
things that I'm kind of embarrassed to admit today. So
we'll start with the What's Your Price chapter. In this
chapter specifically, it pretty much talks about leans back into
kind of my relationship with money. I start off this
chapter specifically discussing as well what survival sex looks like.
(04:23):
And it's why if you listen to the last book Club,
one of you bitches had me crying. I don't remember
who asked me the question, but it leaned into whether
I resented my mom for anything, and so to me,
not growing up with a lot of money and meeting
(04:47):
a certain I guess circle of friends at the time
that I did kind of introduced me to leaning into
my body and sex being a vehicle as a means
to get money to travel, to pay bills. And so
it's why this clip from Horrible Decisions, Decisions Decisions Now,
(05:10):
actually I'm going to maybe I'll insert it into this episode,
but it's where I share the fact that pretty privilege
essentially doesn't really exist because you're open to a little
bit more things. But also when your looks are something
(05:31):
that brings privilege to you, you're also open to things
that are dark. And not to say that I look
so good. I was able to be a hoe, but
I was friends with women that were in a circle
that allowed me to gain access because of my body
(05:51):
and because of essentially what I was willing to offer
between my legs. It was a chapter that I ended
up writing that leaned into not only self worths but
also my relationship to money. And so I'm not sure
anyone in the book club tonight who has had that
relationship to money. But what essentially ended up happening is
(06:12):
once I became self sufficient, once I was able to
live on my own, once I was able to start
seeing money in a different way, it really hit me
in therapy as to kind of the things that I
was allowing to happen for the sake of money. And
so I'm gonna look through my therapy sessions to see
(06:37):
if I can share those with you as well. I
don't know if I have the time to insert them
into this episode, but there was a lot of shame
in doing so. And so when we started writing the podcast,
not writing the podcast. When we started the podcast, I
was real like I I go out and get your money. Honey,
(06:58):
if you fucking a nigga, make should you get in this?
Make sure you get in that. And I remember vividly
during the creative process of this, y'all, we're on the
phone with Simon and Schuster. There's this white guy Nick
and mad white women. Okay, we are on the phone
with the goddamn publisher and we end up having to
(07:19):
get Charlemagne on the phone, and it's where we had
this crossroad as to what should go in the book
and what shouldn't go in the book. And vividly I
remember this call and me yelling on this very business
ass call because Weezy was like, bro, we can't put
(07:40):
shame in there. You can't talk about regret like we're
a sexually liberated podcasts. That goes against what we're teaching
our audience. And I said, bruh, I refuse to write
a book if I'm urging women to go and have
sex for things that I don't agree with anymore. I said,
I'm not going to push a woman to use their
(08:02):
body as a means of income if they don't have to, Like,
I don't want to platform that thought process. And as
someone who's like pro sex work, there's still an element
of responsibility. I feel like I have now to not
push people who don't know no better that that comes
(08:22):
with a lot of regret and shame. And so this
chapter specifically, I hope kind of highlighted that I was
able to share literally how I got and I need
I need to to did that. Yes, I think I
did put it in there the story. You know, when
(08:43):
I moved out of my mom's house. It was three
days after graduating high school. I moved to Atlanta. I
was working at a call center and I was a
stock manager at diesel at the Linox mall. And I
ended up having a friend at the time who did porn.
She no longer does porn, or we're no longer friends.
(09:04):
I think she still do porn. But she invited me
on a trip and that trip was the trip that
allowed me to literally have a bed, my first bed
that I bought for myself. I was able to buy
a bed and pay two months of rent with that trip,
and I think that that was kind of like a
(09:26):
precedent of my relationship to sex and money for a
long time, and I just hated it. TATSI is in
the chat and said she loves the affirmations those came
from not only therapy, but I would also say tempest
(09:47):
this chapter, and this chapter was probably by far my
hardest chapter that I had to write. I knew I
wanted to talk about this, I didn't know how to
talk about it, and then there were certain people that
I don't think made enough of an impact in my
life to be present. But I wanted to include stats.
(10:13):
I wanted to include my story. But also I still
also have the difficulty in dissecting between whether I was
an actual sex worker or if I was doing this
because Mama had bills to pay. And this is kind of,
you know, kind of what I was introduced to at eighteen,
(10:35):
to me, to my sister, I think I talked about
it in the last episode as well. My sister went
to the army because life was hard for me, like
figuring it out. My ego was big as fuck, and
to me, I would do anything before having to go
back home Callily, do you have something at And so
(10:59):
for me, that's what this chapter was for me. Before
we move forward, though, I do want to allow anyone
to ask questions about this chapter, any thoughts, or to
share any story that maybe they've done. I would also
like to know, as Whorehive listeners if this chapter felt
(11:23):
hypocritical to the podcast, because I know that that was
a concern while writing it, but it was also a
concern way prior to us even getting into the book
writing process. JT dropped in the chat more affirmations. I
will give myself permission to outgrow old versions of myself,
(11:46):
and I understand that some people won't understand the ways
I'm changing. That's a big one for me, especially because
I reference my teenage as a person. I reference the
person in my twenties as a different person. And so
(12:07):
my therapy sessions looked like forgiving my younger self and
accepting that had I not gone through those things, maybe
horrible decisions doesn't exist. Had I not gone through through
those things, maybe I don't make the impact that I've
made over the last eight years with this platform. If
she didn't go through those things, maybe she's not this
(12:29):
strong person now, and maybe she ends up going through
those things older. And so the affirmations to me, even
though y'all know I'm not a star that moves as bitch,
it's been a thing that I have to constantly like
champion myself. It's one of those things that we also
have to remember, whether it's a soiled relationship with our parents,
(12:52):
whether it's friends that don't know how to really, you know,
support you, whether it's a partner that's a hater. Sometimes
we have to be our biggest cheerleaders. Sometimes we're the
only people that can forgive ourselves for the things we've done. Because,
like JT said in that second affirmation, I understand that
some people won't understand the ways I'm changing. For me,
(13:15):
it's what we're still seeing every week in the comments
around the rebrand of Decisions Decisions. It's what we're still
seeing when we go into meetings and rooms in terms
of having to sell ourselves. And so for me, I
would say one of the biggest things that I'm doing
(13:36):
in my transition right now is I have this chip
on my shoulder about proving my worth to anybody, because
I translate that to selling myself. And though it was
selling my body, me having to go into a room
and convince somebody that I'm worthy, convince someone I'm worth
(13:57):
a couple dollars, it literally triggers me to my twenties
and so it's something that I'm currently continuingly working on
in therapy because it's like, bitch, but nigga, you either
like me or you don't. And I'm dealing with that
chip on my shoulder from how I had to kind
(14:17):
of transactionally do things with sex with love with feeling
validated throughout my teens and my twenties. So Melli did
comment before we move on. Mellie said, I don't feel
like it was hypocritical. To me, the point of this
show is to not shame people for how they feel.
(14:39):
It's not like you're shaming women who choose to do it,
And that was a real important thing for me. To me,
it's like, if you're doing this, do it with pride
or do it as it means to an end, right, Like,
do it with purpose? And to me, that's why I
included all of those stats around survival sex. To me,
(14:59):
we're in a state where we are in a recession.
It is harder, and there's a lot of people saying
in unhealthy relationships for transactional reasons, and so I'm glad
that it didn't come across as hypocritical. Still very much
pro sex work, but for me, if a woman is
(15:20):
trying to find her way. It's just not something I
would advocate for it like today, like I did early
on in the podcast. So and then Roseanne put if
the growth doesn't happen when experiences are presented and you
don't recognize grow and move differently from the past, than
(15:42):
you're doomed. Kind of having done sex work in the
past to get where I am gives me an opportunity
to share with others so that they don't have to
if they don't want to. And that was the purpose
for me of that chapter specifically.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Now, I don't know how to raise my hand.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Oh okay, go ahead, girl, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
It's on my phone. Talk to me, talk to me,
so I think, and I'm gonna try not to ramble.
I guess I'm like kind of nervous once I started,
you know, I was like, well, I'm nervous, But no,
I think that part of what the book did was
it showed your experience and Wheezy's experience because we in
(16:27):
her her life, her experience with I guess sugaring and
like the way she viewed if she were to be,
you know, an escort or anything like that was more
glamorized and more empowering for her, raise your experience was
the complete opposite, And I feel like showing that takes
away the shame and the stigma in general from all sides,
on both sides, because it all depends on you, you
(16:49):
as a person, where you are in your life, what
you've experienced, what you value, what your gifts and talents
are in general, just like what are you offering to
the world. So I feel like that I don't know,
just the book in general offered that. It really just
showed that there's no shame, and.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
I wish we drew that parallel a little better because
even you just saying that, my mind immediately goes to
the fact that my father weaponized the fact that he
even paid child support at one point in my life.
And she grew up with a father who was not
only the breadwinner but allowed her mother to be a housewife.
(17:29):
So in Wheezy's maybe upbringing, she saw that men were
supposed to lavish you with money and take you on
trips and do these things, which might have allowed her
to show the glamorizing side of it. And for me,
it was always money was used as kind of something
(17:50):
to hold power over a woman, which is you know
what I mean. And so for me, it was never
a way for me to glamorize it because I saw
my mom once my dad left the picture, bust her
ass and take care of a lot of ain't shit
ass niggas, And so for me it was like, well,
(18:12):
I'm not going to be taking advantage of this way
by men, so I may as well get this. But
to know that even my travels were dictated on the
men that I was with at one point, I literally
never thought I would be on a yacht if it
wasn't for a man. I never thought I would travel
out the country unless a man bought my flight. Like,
(18:33):
I didn't have the experiences that Weezy had growing up.
And so I think it was interesting and I love
that you brought forth that because I didn't even pick
up that. Maybe that's why we viewed our experiences with
transactional sex so differently, was because of how we both
grew up around men and a man's relationship with money
(18:57):
and how it existed in our lives.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Yeah, can I just say one more thing?
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
It ties back to the podcast in general, because I
don't be out here that much as much as I
want to, I'm mentally liberated.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
But how I live.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
I was raised very religious, you know, so many different factors,
your parents, everything. But I still have been listening to
Horrible since like twenty eighteen. I love listening to it.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I support it like I'm here for it. And so
what I get from it is people talking about their
love life and dating life, which empowers me. You're just
being honest. So the honesty in and of itself is
just liberating. So that's how I just wanted to tire that. Yeah,
thank you.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Yeah, I think, and I don't know if we you know,
I know I leaned heavily into my childhood a little
bit more than Weezy did in her chapters. But yeah,
I really like this comment. It says the balances with
the monetary support and emotional support that our father figures
(20:00):
bring to the table play out in a variety of ways,
and I think that that's what it did for me
is is I kind of allowed men to weaponize money
the same way I saw my dad do it. And
it's probably what has pushed me to be the hard working, determined,
(20:22):
like probably super dependent woman that I am because I
saw my mom do it, and I also saw her
like have to raise us by herself, and so for me,
it just pushed me into very unhealthy relationships with men
and money that I wish I could have caught on
(20:46):
too sooner in my life than I did. But I
am glad that I'm to a point where I'm reflecting
on it and I'm working on forgiving myself for that.
There is another comment, man, when I hear or read
your story and see where you are now makes me
so happy for you. Your story is helping others and
that is the ultimate reward and the end. Of course,
(21:08):
you don't need validation for me, but I had to
tell you this thank you. Like I said, definitely the
hardest chapter for me to write in this book by far.
Even when it came to the book being finished, y'all,
we were in PR meetings and I said, this is
not the chapter I'm going to talk about. I don't
want this brought up on TV. I don't want to
(21:29):
brought up on radio. And I said, I'll choose the
podcast that I feel safe bringing it up in. But
this is not a talking point. I'm not talking about it.
So really really love that y'all were able to take
this chapter the way you did because this was one
I was like, bitch, I ain't touching on it. It's
(21:50):
in the book. It's definitely one of those chapters that,
although it ends with the period, maybe this chapter is
still very much a work in progress. The next chapter
is do married men really treat you better? And Baby?
(22:10):
What I hope is that some of you read this
chapter and in the very first in the very first
uh paragraph, I wanted y'all to be upset, especially if
you have never been a side bitch, or if maybe
(22:33):
you just caught your nigga cheating and no sawt a
side bitch. I wanted like. They tried to make me
remove this goddamn intro, and I said, nope, I wanted
to draw the bitches in. I'm gonna read it just
a little bit because I wanted people to see where
my mind was in my twenties and hopefully draw me
(22:57):
to where I am today. I said, I started this
chapter like this. I would like to let it be
known that I have been a proud member of the
side Check Committee on the Board of the Mistress Missions,
and an elected official to the Jezebel Justice league. Does
(23:19):
that make me a piece of shit? Perhaps? And I
wanted to lean heavy into the fact that shit majority
of my life, essentially majority of me dating. I was
very comfortable being the side piece, was very comfortable being
(23:40):
number two or three or four, one of many. I
was very comfortable with dealing with a man knowingly that
he was married and engaged. I had a girlfriend, lived
with a bitch. It didn't matter. Nigga, you interested, I'm interested.
We go have our own thing. Your responsibility is your
(24:02):
responsibility to whoever you wit. And it was it was
for me something to where I built these really strong
relationships with these men. I felt like they were honest
with me. I felt like, you know, they had to
fuck with me the long way, like it was so crazy,
like my dumb ass thoughts. But what I essentially realized
(24:26):
was in my twenties, bitch, at any given moment, I
had anywhere from one of two roommates, At any given moment,
I was reliant on a nigga for rent, and at
any given moment, I may or may not have felt
like I could be faithful to a partner if they
(24:47):
weren't someone that I could financially depend on and so
for me, my relationships with these men often came transactionally,
but they also became my friends. And so so the
stories in this chapter. I don't know if any of
y'all got real mad, because I wasn't shit. But the first,
(25:11):
the first story I chose to share was the NFL
player that I was fucking who brought me to a
season opener game or it was a preseason or season
opener game, and because it was raining, he made sure
I was in the suite. Well, he also flew down
(25:32):
his friends from his hometown, and I didn't know that
they were the pawns. So I get to the suite,
I come to the stadium with his friends, and the
wife and kids are in the suite. And so I'm
in this suite with the wife and kids and the
(25:56):
kids are like babies, bruh. And I'm like, and it's
more than it's like two kids. And I'm in the Sweden.
I'm just talking to literally the family, the friends. I'm
in there with my dazzled team shirt woo go. And
(26:16):
I'm literally like, is this nigga fucking serious? Like I
didn't even I wasn't even warned. There wasn't a warning sign.
It wasn't like, just so you know, you gotta play
this off. I get into the suite and I'm just like,
what the fuck? I play it off because I'm an
(26:41):
elected official of the Jezebel Justice League. I played off
because of course I have to be the best side chick.
I have to, you know, play it off because I'm cool.
We homies, We're friends, like you know, it is what
it is. On some other foul shit. I felt like
(27:06):
this was my role, so it wasn't to make a scene.
I'm brought here. The crazy part about this is after
I cursed him out, my immediate thought was, so, nigga,
am I not seeing you after the game, because clearly
(27:26):
the wife was right here. So I'm just worried about
it if I'm getting dick or not, which is the
correct bitch. That's the crazy part of this whole thing.
This is how fucking say. I'm like, well, Nigga, thanks
for the first class flight, but I also wanted to
leave with a little change, so like, but nigga, am
I finna see you? He came up with whatever lie
(27:48):
he had to tell, and bitch, she was with me
that night. The lie he ended up telling was that
he wanted to stay at the whole closer to the
practice facility because I think they had practice the next morning,
or he lied and said they had practiced the next morning.
I don't think he did, because bitch, he was with
(28:08):
me till the morning. But anyways, I like showed that
I was mad, but I guess I don't think I
really was, because in my mind that was the role
I was playing, and this wasn't the only time this
had happened. I remember like going to the club with
(28:30):
niggas that I was fucking on and their girlfriend's popping
up or their fiance's popping up and being told that yo,
they're coming play it cool, and Bitch I would literally
be pouring shots and acting like the cool home girl
to a table knowing that bitch I'd be sucking that
(28:53):
nigga dick from the back. And maybe it was because
I didn't want I didn't want the relationship from any
of these guys. I never wanted to be in the
white's position. I never wanted to be in the girlfriend's position,
and I really lean into that in this chapter because
I was just like, whoo, well, bitch I wouldn't want
(29:14):
a nigga lying to be like that. I wouldn't want
my nigga paying nobody's you know, tuition or paying nobody's rent,
Like I don't want my nigga send it no bitch,
no birthday gift. So there was so many things where
I'm just like, yeah, I wouldn't want to be in
their position. Before I get to the next story, that
(29:37):
slaps some goddamn sense into my head that made me
no longer selectively ignorant. Emma has her hand raised, So
am what you gotta say?
Speaker 2 (29:48):
I actually have a question.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
I was gonna ask you, did this make you have
like a heightened libido? Or did it give you an
a drugnaline rush? Knowing that their partners were in the room.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
No, I think it. I think it was fun to
act like. It made me yo a little see, and
that's because I was a secret Essentially, I'm the side piece, right,
so like I never felt the need to appear as
anyone's main chick, even in public and their wives being there.
(30:26):
I think what it really did for me was solidified
this role, and in an even more twisted way, it
made me less desire them. So it made the transactional
friendship or relationship a lot more easy to compartmentalize because
(30:47):
it allowed me, even though this was my friend and
I thought they was the most honest nigga and kept
it real, seeing them as these liars or how they
could show up as a two faced individual made me
desire them less romantically, not sexually sexually. I listen, a
(31:07):
bitch was horny all the time, but it definitely made
me just desire them less intimately.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
Rachel, Yeah, this is random, But where did he let
you know that he was, that this was what was happening?
Speaker 1 (31:24):
What the in the suite? Like, yeah, when you saw
him right before, right before the game started, Like literally
he just came over. He's probably by his locker. And
you know what's crazy about it? During this game it
was raining, and so of course, although I'm like, I'm
(31:46):
literally like, are you fucking kidding me? You like your
wife is in here? Why the fuck? And his immediate
response was, well, I brought you here. I wasn't gonna
have you sit in the rain. And his immediate response
was about how he was positioning me to be comfortable
and how he wasn't gonna have me out in the rain.
(32:10):
And so you know what they are no longer together.
Speaker 4 (32:14):
Do you think she knew her position too? I feel
like that lifestyle you kind of know that.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
You know what's crazy. I will say of majority of
the men that I dealt with who had situations, yes,
they've either questioned about me or I've been in argument before.
So I would say probably seven times out of ten,
(32:42):
the wife are significant other did somewhat know about me
and my relationship with their partners. I guess that's the
other reason why I come on the podcast often and
talk about like there are women that will choose a
blind eye to continue living a certain lifestyle, and all
of these men had money, power status, So to me, yeah,
(33:09):
I feel like they knew. I don't think I don't
think I don't think this woman. I don't think this
this wife knew. Yeah, I don't think this well, but
she knows now.
Speaker 4 (33:21):
I don't know if she's They.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
Got a divorce a couple of years ago, so they're
no longer together. But what's crazy is he's he He
is somebody that I genuinely like I fuck with. We
are still friends to this day, and shortly after the divorce,
I considered it and just because of our history, nothing
(33:53):
about I couldn't envision being his partner.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Yeah, so you know, both sides, you can, you be able.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
To win, right, right, right, right, right right.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
I think every woman has the top three things that
they put up with, and maybe that was just one
of her.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
I think it's also very interesting as a woman, which
is why for me, I personally don't know how a
woman who's a side piece has the desire to be
the main chick, because you see how this man moves,
you see how he's able to manipulate, you see how
he's able to exist with a double life. So for me,
(34:30):
I've never understood the side chick that craves to be
the main.
Speaker 4 (34:34):
I don't even It's not the man. It's about the competition,
about winning, saying look I got.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
Yeah, but what is you winning? A cheating ass, manipulative
ass nigga?
Speaker 4 (34:42):
Win?
Speaker 1 (34:42):
Is that a prize?
Speaker 4 (34:44):
I don't know, just the mindset you know it is.
It doesn't make sense to us now we know, but
you know, just at that time, like you know how
you were thinking at that time back then, women that
was like their goal, you know. Yeah, where I've developed,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (35:00):
I do love this comment to Matthew says, can't lie
being a femme gay male. The opening of this chapter
made me feel seen and resonated heavy with me. I
don't know if you know, Matthew, but I apparently lived
my life as a gay man clearly, which is why
I want to bend all these niggas over and why
I compartmentalized goddamn relationships. The way I talk to my
(35:21):
gay friends about their relationships maybe same, and it's not
supposed to be same. So yeah, it's one of those
that I think is why I'm able to I have
a little bit more stronger conversations around what non monogamy
looks like and why it needs to be ethical, and
(35:42):
why I'm no longer interested in playing that role without
all parties being fully aware of what the fuck is happening.
And I'll lean into how I got there. The second
story in the book is where a mirror was held
the fuck up to me. Y'all know, at the end
of my relationship that lasted three years, I used to
(36:04):
call him my soulmate.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
I was.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
In love with this man. We were non monogamous together,
but at the end of our relationship, two women came
to me, woman to woman. One hit me up on
Instagram and shared all the things which allowed me to
know that that nigga was not actually in Panama brying suits.
(36:31):
He was with that bitch. And then she let me
know the women that she was aware of, and I
knew one of them because she was from the sex club.
And ironically, this is how the universe works. I'm leaving
an al salon in Brooklyn, which I don't even live
in Brooklyn, but I go get my nails done in Brooklyn.
I'm hungry after I get my nails done, so I
(36:54):
go across the street to one of the very few
restaurants over there and I'm getting tacos and she comes
in and sees me. She leaves out, and I see
her just walking around the store, but she speaks to
the owner. So I'm thinking she's trying to have an
event here, or she's getting catering, or she's waiting on
a large order. Bitch. I'm on the phone with my
(37:15):
best friend. She walks up to my table and it's
like Mandy. I'm like hi, and she says Hi, I'm Stephanie,
and I think you know we both shared a relationship
with redacted and says my fucking ex's name, bitch, mind you,
(37:38):
as soon as she says her name. As soon as
she does this, bitch, I'll know exactly who you are now,
mind you. I don't think I shared the details of
this specific person, but I'm gonna retell it because I
a lot got cut out from this chapter because this
chapter was really, really, really fucking long. But basically, the
(38:00):
backstory to this specific woman is she not only worked
at the sex club, her and her partner were at
the sex club one night we all played. They acted
like they didn't know each other, and so there was
a violation that took place where it's like so literally
(38:24):
in my in my like now we're talking, and I'm like, bro,
you was fucking on my on my on my man
at the same time as me, and you didn't have
the decency, mind you. You and your partner approached us
like it was on some We were kiki haha, and
it was you know. And this is the most bullshit
(38:46):
response I think I could have ever gotten. By the way,
here's another tip. Never date a nigga with two first
names as his name. His first name is a first name,
his last name could be a first name. She tried
to play. Well. When you introduced him, you said a
name that I don't call him by, so you know,
(39:07):
I just didn't really know what was what was what? Bitch? No,
mar bitch, we are in there as as a couple.
If you are with your nigga, you were in a
poly relationship. I am not in whatever seemed bro. And
you so to find out that not only did this
(39:35):
like take place without my knowing at all, She's in
front of me at this Mexican restaurant and she proceeds
to tell me how she knew about me and the
other woman and another woman, and so clearly he must
(39:56):
have felt safer with her and liked her more because
they had an honest, open relationship and I clearly didn't
know all the things that she knew. And as she
said this, I'm like, oh, bitch, this was my dumb
ass logic.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Bro.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
You are someone who has been fucking on this nigga
for five months. I was just with him for three years,
and you have the nerve to question how much he
loved me or how strong our relationship was because you
knew about me and I didn't know about you. And
(40:40):
I was like, well, this is dumb.
Speaker 4 (40:46):
I have a question rupt you?
Speaker 1 (40:49):
Oh, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (40:50):
So did she.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
Did she know about him?
Speaker 2 (40:56):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (40:57):
Like, I'm from Oklahoma, by the way, I know you
came here.
Speaker 6 (41:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (41:00):
But did she know who he was and who you
were when she approached y'all in the club?
Speaker 1 (41:09):
Like you know what's crazy about that? Yes, because she
was the bartender at the sex club, so she had
seen me and him come in there many a time.
Mind you, she was also one of the people who
snitched on him because he was not supposed to. It
(41:30):
was against our boundaries for him to go to the
sex club without me. I ended up taking friends to
the sex club after a trip to Jamaica. Bitch, I
go in there. She's like, oh, yeah, how was Jamaica? Yeah,
so and so was in here. And when we asked
where you were, he said, you were in Jamaica. So
(41:50):
that's how I even knew. At one point he had
gone to the sex club without me, So she knew
exactly who I was and he was to me and
each other there because, bitch, when you ask me where
I'm at when he's in there without me.
Speaker 5 (42:06):
So when she the initial interaction when she brought her
partners to y'all, does she know, like.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
I didn't know what I thought. I thought she looks
cute that night her partner was really cute. So and
mind you, we didn't all have sex. I think he
wanted to massage me. He knew who I was, and
I didn't want to play with a woman that night,
so we kind of like, Okay, well, y'all can make out.
I'll let him massage me. So these motherfuckers are right
next to me fucking with each other. But I'm thinking
(42:34):
it's a okay, I'm allowing it, not knowing that they
are they know each other, that they know each other,
that they're fucking without me, that they have a whole
relationship outside of me.
Speaker 2 (42:45):
See, this is why I snapped.
Speaker 4 (42:47):
Is the real thing?
Speaker 3 (42:48):
Girl?
Speaker 1 (42:48):
But when I tell you, when I found this out,
I said what? And then do you know what the
fuck nigga said when I clearly me and him had
a lot of conversations even after we broke up, like
how dare you? His response to all of that was, well,
(43:10):
you seemed interested, and I figured we would play with
them again, so I would tell you another time, like
I was going to tell you, I just didn't think
like maybe it was a time that we were just
like getting back together officially, and so he was just like,
you know, I just I didn't think I had to
say anything.
Speaker 5 (43:30):
Then oh wow, yeah, you have great self control, girl,
have been and you know what, you know.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
What I always say, actually the only way that I
am understanding of a snap situation. So I've always lived
on my own. I could not imagine any woman who
lives with a partner maybe is the breadwinner and pays
all the bills and has caught they nigga bringing a
(44:02):
bitch to her house like I That's where I think
that would have been my line drawn, Like bitch, the
gun is coming out, bitch, the knife, the gun, I
don't know whatever. The pen is coming up across your head.
I'm throwing the grits in your face, like all of
the things that I see would happen if that. But yeah,
(44:24):
and then that was the moment that a mirror was
held up to me and I was like, oh, bitch,
I'm not gonna be the side check no more. I
think if you guys even got to the end of
that story when we talk about self control and realization
and maturity and a mirror just being held up to
you in a moment where bitch, this is a moment
for you to reflect. Bitch, I bought us shots. At
(44:48):
the end of the conversation, we cheersed and I said,
see you around. And since then it's crazy, maybe because
I've sat with it further. We have been in the
same space multiple times at the sex club, and baby,
(45:08):
my ignore game is stupid. She has sat right in
a group circle where I'm engaging with other multiple people.
She's sat right there and got into the conversation and
she don't get a double look from me. I literally
just ignore her. But yeah, the audacity, the audacity, that's
(45:31):
probably a batter reaction though, I mean, because she probably was.
Speaker 4 (45:34):
For her I give you all that information.
Speaker 5 (45:36):
It almost feels as if she wanted a different because
I can't think of anyone in they right mind that
you don't want me to fuck you up in this
moment right now for you to say all that and
then a going on with oh and he cared about
me more well, And then I think that that's the
other thing, right, we're both lifestyles and she goes to
(45:56):
both sex clubs that I go to. So there was
also a lot of conversations being had amongst mutual friends.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
That also made it a little like I just had
to tell them mutual friends. I get it. Lifestyle. You're
not supposed to tell people to tell people who you
see them with because you don't know people's relationships, boundaries
and what they have, Like it's not a normal kiss
and tell environment, like if you see other people with
other people because everybody's no one knows you know. So yeah,
(46:30):
rough rough, rough, rough, rough, rough. And then the last
chapter again, I think I kind of leaned into it
in the last book Club. It was not supposed to
be what it was. This last chapter was supposed to
be me finally finding love, finally finding my soulmate, and
(46:52):
instead it turned into what the ending of our relationship
really looked like.
Speaker 6 (46:57):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (46:58):
I was able to include bits and pieces of a
fragmented last text message from him, and I had that
same kind of relationship with the transactional sex that I
do with that word need. I felt like I genuinely
(47:18):
needed men to help me feel validated, to feel to
pay bills, to do so many things that when I
finally got with this man, I was throwed. I wanted
this nigga in me, around me, next to me. I
(47:41):
wanted to experience life with him, and it was so
powerful for me to finally be with a man that
I just wanted, didn't need nothing from him, just literally
wanted his presence and it felt that felt powerful for me.
And unfortunately, possibly because of patriarchy, maybe because of the
(48:01):
age difference, I felt like we genuinely battled when he
felt unneeded, if that's even a word. He felt like
I didn't need him. He often questioned his role as
a partner or in my life, and so I think
that brought out a lot of insecurities. It's probably why
(48:23):
he literally went and fucked a bitch who didn't have
a house. By the way, y'all, yeah, this is this girl,
this girl that came up to me in the Mexican restaurant,
just you know, couchsurfer. So of course you had to
go fuck a homeless bitch to make yourself feel better.
Speaker 2 (48:41):
I want to say something to come to that a
little bit. Yes, So something that's coming to mind is like,
because a couple of years ago I started researching like
abusive relationships and like reading and learning about their YouTube
all that stuff, and something there's something sometimes in then
psyche where they want to have a lay up on
the woman there with in order to like feel secure.
(49:03):
So it's very deep of like you were letting him
do anything. You know, you guys were open, you were
enjoying yourselves, but he still had to have something secret
that he was doing to make himself feel like he's
one up. And a lot of times that's why men
have side chicks because they're talking to this woman as
they're equal because they feel comfortable. But once you become
(49:25):
their person, their main person, they feel like, well, this
is my main person. I have to be a step
above her. And it's very a lot of them don't
even are not even aware that they're carrying that around,
and their psyche's very deep. But it's very interesting.
Speaker 1 (49:38):
No, I agree, and for me, For me, it was
also like how do I win here? I remember in
some of our emails when we broke up, he referred
to himself as a caged animal, and I was like,
because I had boundaries, like because I told you I
(49:59):
didn't want you to go to He was like, you
made that space like only I can enjoy it with you,
and so like I just felt, you know, like caged
in and I'm like nigga I'm letting you fuck other bitches, Like,
what are we talking about? Like, and so this idea
that I allowed all this freedom and it still wasn't enough.
(50:21):
I'm just like, holy fuck like And it's why I
also say, like, women, you could be perfect. You can
let him fuck every bitch he wants. You can cook,
you can clean, you could suck a dick from the back,
you can do all of the fucking gymnastics in the world.
You could do a split on the dick. It's not
enough if a man wants to cheat, If a man
(50:41):
doesn't want to show up as someone who values your boundaries,
who respects the limits, who has the decency and consideration
to communicate, there's nothing that you can do. And I
think I beat myself up so much at the end
of this relationship, like what if I did this different?
What if I did this different? The reality is we
(51:03):
broke up fucking thirteen times, and every time we got
back together, I corrected what he said was wrong. I
made a conscious effort to not do what he said
was the problem. And so if it's not one thing,
it's always going to be another. What I found empowering
about rereading this chapter during the audiobook portion of this
(51:29):
was Finding Actor by Actor Bae was everything I almost
manifested into words in this chapter as far as who
my next partner would be, and maybe I gotta say,
the nigga can't live in La. The nigga needs to
be into Maybe I needs to be more more detailed
with you know, those things that I envisioned for myself,
(51:53):
because when I reread this specific chapter, everything I wanted
in a partner, someone who saw me, someone who you know,
allowed me to just be in my space and exist
as myself. It was Actor Bay and it was so
like crazy to kind of like, you know, like see
(52:15):
that and to read it in the book in the
booth and literally receive flowers. I forgot what he sent
me flowers for. I think it was for our Sheen
magazine cover, and I was like, oh my god, this
is exactly who I wrote about in the book. And
although that relationship didn't work out for you know, myriad
(52:38):
of reasons, I still felt like, Wow, I found I
found love and a best friend and I had never
even experienced getting into a relationship in that way before.
So it was just really really really really like this
chapter to me was the perfect way to end progression
(53:01):
because again, each chapter to me were the big mirrors
that I was holding up in therapy, and again these
chapters were the strongest for me to put onto paper.
I do have about seven minutes to let you guys,
(53:21):
ask questions, uh, make statements, bring forward any any you
know anything specifically you want to you know, let me
know what was it.
Speaker 4 (53:38):
I want to know. Are these meetings going to be
available later on? Which ones like the ones recorded right now,
you're gonna have on paper?
Speaker 1 (53:44):
Yeah? So so so. Actually they are all live on
the Selective Ignorance Feed. So if you want to go
listen to Pain and Pleasure, both of those are on
the feed. And then next week we're doing Power.
Speaker 4 (53:58):
Okay, pun right, So a shorter chapter, so I want to.
Speaker 1 (54:01):
Yeah, So for me, Power is going to be more
of a not only overview. I think I'm intentionally gonna
come in with some of the chapters that got changed
and left out, so we have a whole proposal. So
I think I'm gonna lean into which chapters didn't make
the book and why, and I'm gonna do those through
(54:25):
literally leaning into our old drafts. So next week is
going to be a deeper dive into into that chapters
that didn't make it, stories that I could have told
that could have fit into the chapters had they been
allowed to be a little longer and just a little
(54:46):
bit more of conversations with you all. I would really
love to hear from more women on moments that made
them find their power, ways in which they've overcome either
bad for lif relationships or saw that they weren't showing
up as their best selves, and what kind of turning
(55:07):
moment that looked like. I shared a lot of turning
moments in this book, and so for me, I would
really love to hear other turning moments. I think these
types of conversations are how people can continue to see
how they can pivot out of bad situations and find
their own power. So that's kind of what next week's
going to be more about.
Speaker 4 (55:27):
Exciting and I wanted to have books and podcasts you
were talking about to help you on your healing journey.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
Ooh, one of my favorite books that I leaned into
for how I wanted to write my stories specifically. I
don't know if I've mentioned it. I know we've talked about.
This book is essentially Zay meets Chicken Soup for the Soul.
(55:55):
One of my favorite books that helped me kind of
formulate how my stories would be told in this book
is What I Know for Sure by Oprah Winfrey, probably
one of my favorite books or memoirs essentially by somebody,
and so that book helped me with telling my own story.
(56:18):
I'm obsessed with Mel Robbins, so Mel Robbins really, but
more than anything, honestly, it was my therapy sessions, which,
like I said, I did record. I just have to
figure out how I want to chop and screw that
to share with y'all. And it's a lot of fucking crying,
so I don't know if it's even fucking legible. And
I'm clearly on on therapy, so there's like in therapy,
(56:41):
so I don't have a microphone, so I have to
go back and make sure it's it's something that would
be enjoyable. But I was recording those sessions during this process.
Anything else before we get out of here, Do.
Speaker 4 (57:00):
You guys have more behind the scenes of the recording process.
Speaker 1 (57:06):
I can ask if Eden has any extended forms of it.
I have like a video of me in the booth,
just like literally recording it. We also do have bts
coming out on the Decisions Decisions Patreon or Horrible Decisions
Patreon of the first week of our bookstore run. I
(57:30):
I'd have to look back through. Let me let me
talk to Eden to see if there's anyway he has
enough footage to chop up more of what that day
looked like. I'll ask. I'm glad that you enjoyed that
as well, by the way, and thank you so very much.
Hope that you guys enjoy and Brie, I'm just gonn
(57:54):
answer your question before we get out of here. Do
you plan to do something similar for the Masterclass? Possibly?
I don't know if we have really bts from the Masterclass,
but we are looking to make the Masterclass more easily
accessible for everyone who purchased the book, so maybe making
that easier. But thank you guys so very much. Selective
(58:18):
Ignorance a production of the Black Effect podcast Network. For
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or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 6 (58:28):
Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.
Selective Ignorance It's executive produced to buy Mandy B and
it's a Full Court Media studio production with lead producers
Jason Rondriguez. That's me and Aaron A.
Speaker 1 (58:40):
King Howard.
Speaker 6 (58:41):
Now, do us a favor and rate, subscribe, comment and
share wherever you get your favorite podcasts, and be sure
to follow Selective Ignorance on Instagram at Selective Underscore Ignorance.
And of course, if you're not following our hosts Mandy B,
make sure you're following her at Full Court Pumps.
Speaker 3 (58:56):
Now.
Speaker 6 (58:57):
If you want the full video experience of Selective Ignorance,
make sure you subscribe to the Patreon. It's patreon dot
com backslash Selective Ignorance
Welcome back, guys to selective ignorance. I'm your host, Mandy B.
And this is where unfiltered truth meets unapologetic growth, and
y'all today it is the third part of my book club,
and we're stepping into the part of the journey that
I call progression. It's easy to glamorize sexual liberation when
(00:21):
you're finally free rank, free from judgment, free from shame,
free from playing by someone else's roles. And in that space,
I said a lot. I laughed loud, I wore the
label of a side chick with no remorse. I cracked
jokes about transactional sex power dynamics and how quote unquote
love was optional if the cash was correct. But here's
the thing about ignorance, especially the selective kind. It protects
(00:45):
you only until it doesn't. I evolved, and not just
because I woke up one day. Nah. Life kind of
humbled me, and financial freedom gave me a taste of
self worth that didn't come with strings or secrets. I
didn't have to reform, didn't have to settle, didn't have
to justify any fucking thing. Okay, I started seeing myself
(01:05):
as someone deserving, not just desired. And then I fell
in love for real and got betrayed for real, and
that pain, it cracks something open. It gave me empathy
in ways I wasn't ready for. And suddenly I could
feel the way of being someone's second choice and realized that,
no matter how long or how loud you locked it off,
(01:27):
being number two doesn't come with a crowd. There's growth here,
but not the pretty pinterest kind. I'm talking about the raw,
gut checking kind that makes you sit alone and ask yourself,
what the fuck was I thinking? And as a woman,
that part, right, that holding up the mirror part, that's
the hardest. We fight so hard to own our choices
(01:49):
that we don't always know how to forgive them. But
here's what I've learned. Growth requires grace. And I know
I don't like inviting that whole to the cookout, but
you actually do have to bring her around sometimes, and
you can't evolve without reckoning what the person you are,
without checking her but understanding her, without judging her, but
(02:11):
allowing her to have made those mistakes so that you
could do better. So let's get into it. No more
hose Bard, just truth lessons than the path forward. Let's
talk about shame, regret, and the messy miracle of becoming.
Welcome to the third book club session. It's Your Girl
(02:34):
main dB and we're going through the progression portion of
No hose Bard, a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power.
If you haven't gotten it yet, make sure you go
get it wherever you get books. These chapters are titled
What's Your Price? Do married men really treat you Better?
(02:57):
And why do you need me to need you? I
mentioned it before, this was this was the section I
kept at the end. This is the section I needed
therapy for the most. This was the section that to me,
had to be in the book. I've kind of expressed
(03:18):
a few times the difference in the creative portion of
writing this book. Weezy wanted to lean far heavier into
making the Cineurotica. I thought at the time that I
was in it was, you know, nearing the end of
my relationship but going through a lot of things in therapy,
(03:38):
and I was like, if I can't talk about the
things I want to talk about for my therapy sessions,
then I don't want to write this book. So this
was the hardest portion of the book for me to write.
It pretty much made me have to hold up the
mirror to myself and really dig into regret, shame, and
(03:59):
things that I'm kind of embarrassed to admit today. So
we'll start with the What's Your Price chapter. In this
chapter specifically, it pretty much talks about leans back into
kind of my relationship with money. I start off this
chapter specifically discussing as well what survival sex looks like.
(04:23):
And it's why if you listen to the last book Club,
one of you bitches had me crying. I don't remember
who asked me the question, but it leaned into whether
I resented my mom for anything, and so to me,
not growing up with a lot of money and meeting
(04:47):
a certain I guess circle of friends at the time
that I did kind of introduced me to leaning into
my body and sex being a vehicle as a means
to get money to travel, to pay bills. And so
it's why this clip from Horrible Decisions, Decisions Decisions Now,
(05:10):
actually I'm going to maybe I'll insert it into this episode,
but it's where I share the fact that pretty privilege
essentially doesn't really exist because you're open to a little
bit more things. But also when your looks are something
(05:31):
that brings privilege to you, you're also open to things
that are dark. And not to say that I look
so good. I was able to be a hoe, but
I was friends with women that were in a circle
that allowed me to gain access because of my body
(05:51):
and because of essentially what I was willing to offer
between my legs. It was a chapter that I ended
up writing that leaned into not only self worths but
also my relationship to money. And so I'm not sure
anyone in the book club tonight who has had that
relationship to money. But what essentially ended up happening is
(06:12):
once I became self sufficient, once I was able to
live on my own, once I was able to start
seeing money in a different way, it really hit me
in therapy as to kind of the things that I
was allowing to happen for the sake of money. And
so I'm gonna look through my therapy sessions to see
(06:37):
if I can share those with you as well. I
don't know if I have the time to insert them
into this episode, but there was a lot of shame
in doing so. And so when we started writing the podcast,
not writing the podcast. When we started the podcast, I
was real like I I go out and get your money. Honey,
(06:58):
if you fucking a nigga, make should you get in this?
Make sure you get in that. And I remember vividly
during the creative process of this, y'all, we're on the
phone with Simon and Schuster. There's this white guy Nick
and mad white women. Okay, we are on the phone
with the goddamn publisher and we end up having to
(07:19):
get Charlemagne on the phone, and it's where we had
this crossroad as to what should go in the book
and what shouldn't go in the book. And vividly I
remember this call and me yelling on this very business
ass call because Weezy was like, bro, we can't put
(07:40):
shame in there. You can't talk about regret like we're
a sexually liberated podcasts. That goes against what we're teaching
our audience. And I said, bruh, I refuse to write
a book if I'm urging women to go and have
sex for things that I don't agree with anymore. I said,
I'm not going to push a woman to use their
(08:02):
body as a means of income if they don't have to, Like,
I don't want to platform that thought process. And as
someone who's like pro sex work, there's still an element
of responsibility. I feel like I have now to not
push people who don't know no better that that comes
(08:22):
with a lot of regret and shame. And so this
chapter specifically, I hope kind of highlighted that I was
able to share literally how I got and I need
I need to to did that. Yes, I think I
did put it in there the story. You know, when
(08:43):
I moved out of my mom's house. It was three
days after graduating high school. I moved to Atlanta. I
was working at a call center and I was a
stock manager at diesel at the Linox mall. And I
ended up having a friend at the time who did porn.
She no longer does porn, or we're no longer friends.
(09:04):
I think she still do porn. But she invited me
on a trip and that trip was the trip that
allowed me to literally have a bed, my first bed
that I bought for myself. I was able to buy
a bed and pay two months of rent with that trip,
and I think that that was kind of like a
(09:26):
precedent of my relationship to sex and money for a
long time, and I just hated it. TATSI is in
the chat and said she loves the affirmations those came
from not only therapy, but I would also say tempest
(09:47):
this chapter, and this chapter was probably by far my
hardest chapter that I had to write. I knew I
wanted to talk about this, I didn't know how to
talk about it, and then there were certain people that
I don't think made enough of an impact in my
life to be present. But I wanted to include stats.
(10:13):
I wanted to include my story. But also I still
also have the difficulty in dissecting between whether I was
an actual sex worker or if I was doing this
because Mama had bills to pay. And this is kind of,
you know, kind of what I was introduced to at eighteen,
(10:35):
to me, to my sister, I think I talked about
it in the last episode as well. My sister went
to the army because life was hard for me, like
figuring it out. My ego was big as fuck, and
to me, I would do anything before having to go
back home Callily, do you have something at And so
(10:59):
for me, that's what this chapter was for me. Before
we move forward, though, I do want to allow anyone
to ask questions about this chapter, any thoughts, or to
share any story that maybe they've done. I would also
like to know, as Whorehive listeners if this chapter felt
(11:23):
hypocritical to the podcast, because I know that that was
a concern while writing it, but it was also a
concern way prior to us even getting into the book
writing process. JT dropped in the chat more affirmations. I
will give myself permission to outgrow old versions of myself,
(11:46):
and I understand that some people won't understand the ways
I'm changing. That's a big one for me, especially because
I reference my teenage as a person. I reference the
person in my twenties as a different person. And so
(12:07):
my therapy sessions looked like forgiving my younger self and
accepting that had I not gone through those things, maybe
horrible decisions doesn't exist. Had I not gone through through
those things, maybe I don't make the impact that I've
made over the last eight years with this platform. If
she didn't go through those things, maybe she's not this
(12:29):
strong person now, and maybe she ends up going through
those things older. And so the affirmations to me, even
though y'all know I'm not a star that moves as bitch,
it's been a thing that I have to constantly like
champion myself. It's one of those things that we also
have to remember, whether it's a soiled relationship with our parents,
(12:52):
whether it's friends that don't know how to really, you know,
support you, whether it's a partner that's a hater. Sometimes
we have to be our biggest cheerleaders. Sometimes we're the
only people that can forgive ourselves for the things we've done. Because,
like JT said in that second affirmation, I understand that
some people won't understand the ways I'm changing. For me,
(13:15):
it's what we're still seeing every week in the comments
around the rebrand of Decisions Decisions. It's what we're still
seeing when we go into meetings and rooms in terms
of having to sell ourselves. And so for me, I
would say one of the biggest things that I'm doing
(13:36):
in my transition right now is I have this chip
on my shoulder about proving my worth to anybody, because
I translate that to selling myself. And though it was
selling my body, me having to go into a room
and convince somebody that I'm worthy, convince someone I'm worth
(13:57):
a couple dollars, it literally triggers me to my twenties
and so it's something that I'm currently continuingly working on
in therapy because it's like, bitch, but nigga, you either
like me or you don't. And I'm dealing with that
chip on my shoulder from how I had to kind
(14:17):
of transactionally do things with sex with love with feeling
validated throughout my teens and my twenties. So Melli did
comment before we move on. Mellie said, I don't feel
like it was hypocritical. To me, the point of this
show is to not shame people for how they feel.
(14:39):
It's not like you're shaming women who choose to do it,
And that was a real important thing for me. To me,
it's like, if you're doing this, do it with pride
or do it as it means to an end, right, Like,
do it with purpose? And to me, that's why I
included all of those stats around survival sex. To me,
(14:59):
we're in a state where we are in a recession.
It is harder, and there's a lot of people saying
in unhealthy relationships for transactional reasons, and so I'm glad
that it didn't come across as hypocritical. Still very much
pro sex work, but for me, if a woman is
(15:20):
trying to find her way. It's just not something I
would advocate for it like today, like I did early
on in the podcast. So and then Roseanne put if
the growth doesn't happen when experiences are presented and you
don't recognize grow and move differently from the past, than
(15:42):
you're doomed. Kind of having done sex work in the
past to get where I am gives me an opportunity
to share with others so that they don't have to
if they don't want to. And that was the purpose
for me of that chapter specifically.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Now, I don't know how to raise my hand.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Oh okay, go ahead, girl, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
It's on my phone. Talk to me, talk to me,
so I think, and I'm gonna try not to ramble.
I guess I'm like kind of nervous once I started,
you know, I was like, well, I'm nervous, But no,
I think that part of what the book did was
it showed your experience and Wheezy's experience because we in
(16:27):
her her life, her experience with I guess sugaring and
like the way she viewed if she were to be,
you know, an escort or anything like that was more
glamorized and more empowering for her, raise your experience was
the complete opposite, And I feel like showing that takes
away the shame and the stigma in general from all sides,
on both sides, because it all depends on you, you
(16:49):
as a person, where you are in your life, what
you've experienced, what you value, what your gifts and talents
are in general, just like what are you offering to
the world. So I feel like that I don't know,
just the book in general offered that. It really just
showed that there's no shame, and.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
I wish we drew that parallel a little better because
even you just saying that, my mind immediately goes to
the fact that my father weaponized the fact that he
even paid child support at one point in my life.
And she grew up with a father who was not
only the breadwinner but allowed her mother to be a housewife.
(17:29):
So in Wheezy's maybe upbringing, she saw that men were
supposed to lavish you with money and take you on
trips and do these things, which might have allowed her
to show the glamorizing side of it. And for me,
it was always money was used as kind of something
(17:50):
to hold power over a woman, which is you know
what I mean. And so for me, it was never
a way for me to glamorize it because I saw
my mom once my dad left the picture, bust her
ass and take care of a lot of ain't shit
ass niggas, And so for me it was like, well,
(18:12):
I'm not going to be taking advantage of this way
by men, so I may as well get this. But
to know that even my travels were dictated on the
men that I was with at one point, I literally
never thought I would be on a yacht if it
wasn't for a man. I never thought I would travel
out the country unless a man bought my flight. Like,
(18:33):
I didn't have the experiences that Weezy had growing up.
And so I think it was interesting and I love
that you brought forth that because I didn't even pick
up that. Maybe that's why we viewed our experiences with
transactional sex so differently, was because of how we both
grew up around men and a man's relationship with money
(18:57):
and how it existed in our lives.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Yeah, can I just say one more thing?
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
It ties back to the podcast in general, because I
don't be out here that much as much as I
want to, I'm mentally liberated.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
But how I live.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
I was raised very religious, you know, so many different factors,
your parents, everything. But I still have been listening to
Horrible since like twenty eighteen. I love listening to it.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I support it like I'm here for it. And so
what I get from it is people talking about their
love life and dating life, which empowers me. You're just
being honest. So the honesty in and of itself is
just liberating. So that's how I just wanted to tire that. Yeah,
thank you.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Yeah, I think, and I don't know if we you know,
I know I leaned heavily into my childhood a little
bit more than Weezy did in her chapters. But yeah,
I really like this comment. It says the balances with
the monetary support and emotional support that our father figures
(20:00):
bring to the table play out in a variety of ways,
and I think that that's what it did for me
is is I kind of allowed men to weaponize money
the same way I saw my dad do it. And
it's probably what has pushed me to be the hard working, determined,
(20:22):
like probably super dependent woman that I am because I
saw my mom do it, and I also saw her
like have to raise us by herself, and so for me,
it just pushed me into very unhealthy relationships with men
and money that I wish I could have caught on
(20:46):
too sooner in my life than I did. But I
am glad that I'm to a point where I'm reflecting
on it and I'm working on forgiving myself for that.
There is another comment, man, when I hear or read
your story and see where you are now makes me
so happy for you. Your story is helping others and
that is the ultimate reward and the end. Of course,
(21:08):
you don't need validation for me, but I had to
tell you this thank you. Like I said, definitely the
hardest chapter for me to write in this book by far.
Even when it came to the book being finished, y'all,
we were in PR meetings and I said, this is
not the chapter I'm going to talk about. I don't
want this brought up on TV. I don't want to
(21:29):
brought up on radio. And I said, I'll choose the
podcast that I feel safe bringing it up in. But
this is not a talking point. I'm not talking about it.
So really really love that y'all were able to take
this chapter the way you did because this was one
I was like, bitch, I ain't touching on it. It's
(21:50):
in the book. It's definitely one of those chapters that,
although it ends with the period, maybe this chapter is
still very much a work in progress. The next chapter
is do married men really treat you better? And Baby?
(22:10):
What I hope is that some of you read this
chapter and in the very first in the very first
uh paragraph, I wanted y'all to be upset, especially if
you have never been a side bitch, or if maybe
(22:33):
you just caught your nigga cheating and no sawt a
side bitch. I wanted like. They tried to make me
remove this goddamn intro, and I said, nope, I wanted
to draw the bitches in. I'm gonna read it just
a little bit because I wanted people to see where
my mind was in my twenties and hopefully draw me
(22:57):
to where I am today. I said, I started this
chapter like this. I would like to let it be
known that I have been a proud member of the
side Check Committee on the Board of the Mistress Missions,
and an elected official to the Jezebel Justice league. Does
(23:19):
that make me a piece of shit? Perhaps? And I
wanted to lean heavy into the fact that shit majority
of my life, essentially majority of me dating. I was
very comfortable being the side piece, was very comfortable being
(23:40):
number two or three or four, one of many. I
was very comfortable with dealing with a man knowingly that
he was married and engaged. I had a girlfriend, lived
with a bitch. It didn't matter. Nigga, you interested, I'm interested.
We go have our own thing. Your responsibility is your
(24:02):
responsibility to whoever you wit. And it was it was
for me something to where I built these really strong
relationships with these men. I felt like they were honest
with me. I felt like, you know, they had to
fuck with me the long way, like it was so crazy,
like my dumb ass thoughts. But what I essentially realized
(24:26):
was in my twenties, bitch, at any given moment, I
had anywhere from one of two roommates, At any given moment,
I was reliant on a nigga for rent, and at
any given moment, I may or may not have felt
like I could be faithful to a partner if they
(24:47):
weren't someone that I could financially depend on and so
for me, my relationships with these men often came transactionally,
but they also became my friends. And so so the
stories in this chapter. I don't know if any of
y'all got real mad, because I wasn't shit. But the first,
(25:11):
the first story I chose to share was the NFL
player that I was fucking who brought me to a
season opener game or it was a preseason or season
opener game, and because it was raining, he made sure
I was in the suite. Well, he also flew down
(25:32):
his friends from his hometown, and I didn't know that
they were the pawns. So I get to the suite,
I come to the stadium with his friends, and the
wife and kids are in the suite. And so I'm
in this suite with the wife and kids and the
(25:56):
kids are like babies, bruh. And I'm like, and it's
more than it's like two kids. And I'm in the Sweden.
I'm just talking to literally the family, the friends. I'm
in there with my dazzled team shirt woo go. And
(26:16):
I'm literally like, is this nigga fucking serious? Like I
didn't even I wasn't even warned. There wasn't a warning sign.
It wasn't like, just so you know, you gotta play
this off. I get into the suite and I'm just like,
what the fuck? I play it off because I'm an
(26:41):
elected official of the Jezebel Justice League. I played off
because of course I have to be the best side chick.
I have to, you know, play it off because I'm cool.
We homies, We're friends, like you know, it is what
it is. On some other foul shit. I felt like
(27:06):
this was my role, so it wasn't to make a scene.
I'm brought here. The crazy part about this is after
I cursed him out, my immediate thought was, so, nigga,
am I not seeing you after the game, because clearly
(27:26):
the wife was right here. So I'm just worried about
it if I'm getting dick or not, which is the
correct bitch. That's the crazy part of this whole thing.
This is how fucking say. I'm like, well, Nigga, thanks
for the first class flight, but I also wanted to
leave with a little change, so like, but nigga, am
I finna see you? He came up with whatever lie
(27:48):
he had to tell, and bitch, she was with me
that night. The lie he ended up telling was that
he wanted to stay at the whole closer to the
practice facility because I think they had practice the next morning,
or he lied and said they had practiced the next morning.
I don't think he did, because bitch, he was with
(28:08):
me till the morning. But anyways, I like showed that
I was mad, but I guess I don't think I
really was, because in my mind that was the role
I was playing, and this wasn't the only time this
had happened. I remember like going to the club with
(28:30):
niggas that I was fucking on and their girlfriend's popping
up or their fiance's popping up and being told that yo,
they're coming play it cool, and Bitch I would literally
be pouring shots and acting like the cool home girl
to a table knowing that bitch I'd be sucking that
(28:53):
nigga dick from the back. And maybe it was because
I didn't want I didn't want the relationship from any
of these guys. I never wanted to be in the
white's position. I never wanted to be in the girlfriend's position,
and I really lean into that in this chapter because
I was just like, whoo, well, bitch I wouldn't want
(29:14):
a nigga lying to be like that. I wouldn't want
my nigga paying nobody's you know, tuition or paying nobody's rent,
Like I don't want my nigga send it no bitch,
no birthday gift. So there was so many things where
I'm just like, yeah, I wouldn't want to be in
their position. Before I get to the next story, that
(29:37):
slaps some goddamn sense into my head that made me
no longer selectively ignorant. Emma has her hand raised, So
am what you gotta say?
Speaker 2 (29:48):
I actually have a question.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
I was gonna ask you, did this make you have
like a heightened libido? Or did it give you an
a drugnaline rush? Knowing that their partners were in the room.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
No, I think it. I think it was fun to
act like. It made me yo a little see, and
that's because I was a secret Essentially, I'm the side piece, right,
so like I never felt the need to appear as
anyone's main chick, even in public and their wives being there.
(30:26):
I think what it really did for me was solidified
this role, and in an even more twisted way, it
made me less desire them. So it made the transactional
friendship or relationship a lot more easy to compartmentalize because
(30:47):
it allowed me, even though this was my friend and
I thought they was the most honest nigga and kept
it real, seeing them as these liars or how they
could show up as a two faced individual made me
desire them less romantically, not sexually sexually. I listen, a
(31:07):
bitch was horny all the time, but it definitely made
me just desire them less intimately.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
Rachel, Yeah, this is random, But where did he let
you know that he was, that this was what was happening?
Speaker 1 (31:24):
What the in the suite? Like, yeah, when you saw
him right before, right before the game started, Like literally
he just came over. He's probably by his locker. And
you know what's crazy about it? During this game it
was raining, and so of course, although I'm like, I'm
(31:46):
literally like, are you fucking kidding me? You like your
wife is in here? Why the fuck? And his immediate
response was, well, I brought you here. I wasn't gonna
have you sit in the rain. And his immediate response
was about how he was positioning me to be comfortable
and how he wasn't gonna have me out in the rain.
(32:10):
And so you know what they are no longer together.
Speaker 4 (32:14):
Do you think she knew her position too? I feel
like that lifestyle you kind of know that.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
You know what's crazy. I will say of majority of
the men that I dealt with who had situations, yes,
they've either questioned about me or I've been in argument before.
So I would say probably seven times out of ten,
(32:42):
the wife are significant other did somewhat know about me
and my relationship with their partners. I guess that's the
other reason why I come on the podcast often and
talk about like there are women that will choose a
blind eye to continue living a certain lifestyle, and all
of these men had money, power status, So to me, yeah,
(33:09):
I feel like they knew. I don't think I don't
think I don't think this woman. I don't think this
this wife knew. Yeah, I don't think this well, but
she knows now.
Speaker 4 (33:21):
I don't know if she's They.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
Got a divorce a couple of years ago, so they're
no longer together. But what's crazy is he's he He
is somebody that I genuinely like I fuck with. We
are still friends to this day, and shortly after the divorce,
I considered it and just because of our history, nothing
(33:53):
about I couldn't envision being his partner.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Yeah, so you know, both sides, you can, you be able.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
To win, right, right, right, right, right right.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
I think every woman has the top three things that
they put up with, and maybe that was just one
of her.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
I think it's also very interesting as a woman, which
is why for me, I personally don't know how a
woman who's a side piece has the desire to be
the main chick, because you see how this man moves,
you see how he's able to manipulate, you see how
he's able to exist with a double life. So for me,
(34:30):
I've never understood the side chick that craves to be
the main.
Speaker 4 (34:34):
I don't even It's not the man. It's about the competition,
about winning, saying look I got.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
Yeah, but what is you winning? A cheating ass, manipulative
ass nigga?
Speaker 4 (34:42):
Win?
Speaker 1 (34:42):
Is that a prize?
Speaker 4 (34:44):
I don't know, just the mindset you know it is.
It doesn't make sense to us now we know, but
you know, just at that time, like you know how
you were thinking at that time back then, women that
was like their goal, you know. Yeah, where I've developed,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (35:00):
I do love this comment to Matthew says, can't lie
being a femme gay male. The opening of this chapter
made me feel seen and resonated heavy with me. I
don't know if you know, Matthew, but I apparently lived
my life as a gay man clearly, which is why
I want to bend all these niggas over and why
I compartmentalized goddamn relationships. The way I talk to my
(35:21):
gay friends about their relationships maybe same, and it's not
supposed to be same. So yeah, it's one of those
that I think is why I'm able to I have
a little bit more stronger conversations around what non monogamy
looks like and why it needs to be ethical, and
(35:42):
why I'm no longer interested in playing that role without
all parties being fully aware of what the fuck is happening.
And I'll lean into how I got there. The second
story in the book is where a mirror was held
the fuck up to me. Y'all know, at the end
of my relationship that lasted three years, I used to
(36:04):
call him my soulmate.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
I was.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
In love with this man. We were non monogamous together,
but at the end of our relationship, two women came
to me, woman to woman. One hit me up on
Instagram and shared all the things which allowed me to
know that that nigga was not actually in Panama brying suits.
(36:31):
He was with that bitch. And then she let me
know the women that she was aware of, and I
knew one of them because she was from the sex club.
And ironically, this is how the universe works. I'm leaving
an al salon in Brooklyn, which I don't even live
in Brooklyn, but I go get my nails done in Brooklyn.
I'm hungry after I get my nails done, so I
(36:54):
go across the street to one of the very few
restaurants over there and I'm getting tacos and she comes
in and sees me. She leaves out, and I see
her just walking around the store, but she speaks to
the owner. So I'm thinking she's trying to have an
event here, or she's getting catering, or she's waiting on
a large order. Bitch. I'm on the phone with my
(37:15):
best friend. She walks up to my table and it's
like Mandy. I'm like hi, and she says Hi, I'm Stephanie,
and I think you know we both shared a relationship
with redacted and says my fucking ex's name, bitch, mind you,
(37:38):
as soon as she says her name. As soon as
she does this, bitch, I'll know exactly who you are now,
mind you. I don't think I shared the details of
this specific person, but I'm gonna retell it because I
a lot got cut out from this chapter because this
chapter was really, really, really fucking long. But basically, the
(38:00):
backstory to this specific woman is she not only worked
at the sex club, her and her partner were at
the sex club one night we all played. They acted
like they didn't know each other, and so there was
a violation that took place where it's like so literally
(38:24):
in my in my like now we're talking, and I'm like, bro,
you was fucking on my on my on my man
at the same time as me, and you didn't have
the decency, mind you. You and your partner approached us
like it was on some We were kiki haha, and
it was you know. And this is the most bullshit
(38:46):
response I think I could have ever gotten. By the way,
here's another tip. Never date a nigga with two first
names as his name. His first name is a first name,
his last name could be a first name. She tried
to play. Well. When you introduced him, you said a
name that I don't call him by, so you know,
(39:07):
I just didn't really know what was what was what? Bitch? No,
mar bitch, we are in there as as a couple.
If you are with your nigga, you were in a
poly relationship. I am not in whatever seemed bro. And
you so to find out that not only did this
(39:35):
like take place without my knowing at all, She's in
front of me at this Mexican restaurant and she proceeds
to tell me how she knew about me and the
other woman and another woman, and so clearly he must
(39:56):
have felt safer with her and liked her more because
they had an honest, open relationship and I clearly didn't
know all the things that she knew. And as she
said this, I'm like, oh, bitch, this was my dumb
ass logic.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Bro.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
You are someone who has been fucking on this nigga
for five months. I was just with him for three years,
and you have the nerve to question how much he
loved me or how strong our relationship was because you
knew about me and I didn't know about you. And
(40:40):
I was like, well, this is dumb.
Speaker 4 (40:46):
I have a question rupt you?
Speaker 1 (40:49):
Oh, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (40:50):
So did she.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
Did she know about him?
Speaker 2 (40:56):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (40:57):
Like, I'm from Oklahoma, by the way, I know you
came here.
Speaker 6 (41:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (41:00):
But did she know who he was and who you
were when she approached y'all in the club?
Speaker 1 (41:09):
Like you know what's crazy about that? Yes, because she
was the bartender at the sex club, so she had
seen me and him come in there many a time.
Mind you, she was also one of the people who
snitched on him because he was not supposed to. It
(41:30):
was against our boundaries for him to go to the
sex club without me. I ended up taking friends to
the sex club after a trip to Jamaica. Bitch, I
go in there. She's like, oh, yeah, how was Jamaica? Yeah,
so and so was in here. And when we asked
where you were, he said, you were in Jamaica. So
(41:50):
that's how I even knew. At one point he had
gone to the sex club without me, So she knew
exactly who I was and he was to me and
each other there because, bitch, when you ask me where
I'm at when he's in there without me.
Speaker 5 (42:06):
So when she the initial interaction when she brought her
partners to y'all, does she know, like.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
I didn't know what I thought. I thought she looks
cute that night her partner was really cute. So and
mind you, we didn't all have sex. I think he
wanted to massage me. He knew who I was, and
I didn't want to play with a woman that night,
so we kind of like, Okay, well, y'all can make out.
I'll let him massage me. So these motherfuckers are right
next to me fucking with each other. But I'm thinking
(42:34):
it's a okay, I'm allowing it, not knowing that they
are they know each other, that they know each other,
that they're fucking without me, that they have a whole
relationship outside of me.
Speaker 2 (42:45):
See, this is why I snapped.
Speaker 4 (42:47):
Is the real thing?
Speaker 3 (42:48):
Girl?
Speaker 1 (42:48):
But when I tell you, when I found this out,
I said what? And then do you know what the
fuck nigga said when I clearly me and him had
a lot of conversations even after we broke up, like
how dare you? His response to all of that was, well,
(43:10):
you seemed interested, and I figured we would play with
them again, so I would tell you another time, like
I was going to tell you, I just didn't think
like maybe it was a time that we were just
like getting back together officially, and so he was just like,
you know, I just I didn't think I had to
say anything.
Speaker 5 (43:30):
Then oh wow, yeah, you have great self control, girl,
have been and you know what, you know.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
What I always say, actually the only way that I
am understanding of a snap situation. So I've always lived
on my own. I could not imagine any woman who
lives with a partner maybe is the breadwinner and pays
all the bills and has caught they nigga bringing a
(44:02):
bitch to her house like I That's where I think
that would have been my line drawn, Like bitch, the
gun is coming out, bitch, the knife, the gun, I
don't know whatever. The pen is coming up across your head.
I'm throwing the grits in your face, like all of
the things that I see would happen if that. But yeah,
(44:24):
and then that was the moment that a mirror was
held up to me and I was like, oh, bitch,
I'm not gonna be the side check no more. I
think if you guys even got to the end of
that story when we talk about self control and realization
and maturity and a mirror just being held up to
you in a moment where bitch, this is a moment
for you to reflect. Bitch, I bought us shots. At
(44:48):
the end of the conversation, we cheersed and I said,
see you around. And since then it's crazy, maybe because
I've sat with it further. We have been in the
same space multiple times at the sex club, and baby,
(45:08):
my ignore game is stupid. She has sat right in
a group circle where I'm engaging with other multiple people.
She's sat right there and got into the conversation and
she don't get a double look from me. I literally
just ignore her. But yeah, the audacity, the audacity, that's
(45:31):
probably a batter reaction though, I mean, because she probably was.
Speaker 4 (45:34):
For her I give you all that information.
Speaker 5 (45:36):
It almost feels as if she wanted a different because
I can't think of anyone in they right mind that
you don't want me to fuck you up in this
moment right now for you to say all that and
then a going on with oh and he cared about
me more well, And then I think that that's the
other thing, right, we're both lifestyles and she goes to
(45:56):
both sex clubs that I go to. So there was
also a lot of conversations being had amongst mutual friends.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
That also made it a little like I just had
to tell them mutual friends. I get it. Lifestyle. You're
not supposed to tell people to tell people who you
see them with because you don't know people's relationships, boundaries
and what they have, Like it's not a normal kiss
and tell environment, like if you see other people with
other people because everybody's no one knows you know. So yeah,
(46:30):
rough rough, rough, rough, rough, rough. And then the last
chapter again, I think I kind of leaned into it
in the last book Club. It was not supposed to
be what it was. This last chapter was supposed to
be me finally finding love, finally finding my soulmate, and
(46:52):
instead it turned into what the ending of our relationship
really looked like.
Speaker 6 (46:57):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (46:58):
I was able to include bits and pieces of a
fragmented last text message from him, and I had that
same kind of relationship with the transactional sex that I
do with that word need. I felt like I genuinely
(47:18):
needed men to help me feel validated, to feel to
pay bills, to do so many things that when I
finally got with this man, I was throwed. I wanted
this nigga in me, around me, next to me. I
(47:41):
wanted to experience life with him, and it was so
powerful for me to finally be with a man that
I just wanted, didn't need nothing from him, just literally
wanted his presence and it felt that felt powerful for me.
And unfortunately, possibly because of patriarchy, maybe because of the
(48:01):
age difference, I felt like we genuinely battled when he
felt unneeded, if that's even a word. He felt like
I didn't need him. He often questioned his role as
a partner or in my life, and so I think
that brought out a lot of insecurities. It's probably why
(48:23):
he literally went and fucked a bitch who didn't have
a house. By the way, y'all, yeah, this is this girl,
this girl that came up to me in the Mexican restaurant,
just you know, couchsurfer. So of course you had to
go fuck a homeless bitch to make yourself feel better.
Speaker 2 (48:41):
I want to say something to come to that a
little bit. Yes, So something that's coming to mind is like,
because a couple of years ago I started researching like
abusive relationships and like reading and learning about their YouTube
all that stuff, and something there's something sometimes in then
psyche where they want to have a lay up on
the woman there with in order to like feel secure.
(49:03):
So it's very deep of like you were letting him
do anything. You know, you guys were open, you were
enjoying yourselves, but he still had to have something secret
that he was doing to make himself feel like he's
one up. And a lot of times that's why men
have side chicks because they're talking to this woman as
they're equal because they feel comfortable. But once you become
(49:25):
their person, their main person, they feel like, well, this
is my main person. I have to be a step
above her. And it's very a lot of them don't
even are not even aware that they're carrying that around,
and their psyche's very deep. But it's very interesting.
Speaker 1 (49:38):
No, I agree, and for me, For me, it was
also like how do I win here? I remember in
some of our emails when we broke up, he referred
to himself as a caged animal, and I was like,
because I had boundaries, like because I told you I
(49:59):
didn't want you to go to He was like, you
made that space like only I can enjoy it with you,
and so like I just felt, you know, like caged
in and I'm like nigga I'm letting you fuck other bitches, Like,
what are we talking about? Like, and so this idea
that I allowed all this freedom and it still wasn't enough.
(50:21):
I'm just like, holy fuck like And it's why I
also say, like, women, you could be perfect. You can
let him fuck every bitch he wants. You can cook,
you can clean, you could suck a dick from the back,
you can do all of the fucking gymnastics in the world.
You could do a split on the dick. It's not
enough if a man wants to cheat, If a man
(50:41):
doesn't want to show up as someone who values your boundaries,
who respects the limits, who has the decency and consideration
to communicate, there's nothing that you can do. And I
think I beat myself up so much at the end
of this relationship, like what if I did this different?
What if I did this different? The reality is we
(51:03):
broke up fucking thirteen times, and every time we got
back together, I corrected what he said was wrong. I
made a conscious effort to not do what he said
was the problem. And so if it's not one thing,
it's always going to be another. What I found empowering
about rereading this chapter during the audiobook portion of this
(51:29):
was Finding Actor by Actor Bae was everything I almost
manifested into words in this chapter as far as who
my next partner would be, and maybe I gotta say,
the nigga can't live in La. The nigga needs to
be into Maybe I needs to be more more detailed
with you know, those things that I envisioned for myself,
(51:53):
because when I reread this specific chapter, everything I wanted
in a partner, someone who saw me, someone who you know,
allowed me to just be in my space and exist
as myself. It was Actor Bay and it was so
like crazy to kind of like, you know, like see
(52:15):
that and to read it in the book in the
booth and literally receive flowers. I forgot what he sent
me flowers for. I think it was for our Sheen
magazine cover, and I was like, oh my god, this
is exactly who I wrote about in the book. And
although that relationship didn't work out for you know, myriad
(52:38):
of reasons, I still felt like, Wow, I found I
found love and a best friend and I had never
even experienced getting into a relationship in that way before.
So it was just really really really really like this
chapter to me was the perfect way to end progression
(53:01):
because again, each chapter to me were the big mirrors
that I was holding up in therapy, and again these
chapters were the strongest for me to put onto paper.
I do have about seven minutes to let you guys,
(53:21):
ask questions, uh, make statements, bring forward any any you
know anything specifically you want to you know, let me
know what was it.
Speaker 4 (53:38):
I want to know. Are these meetings going to be
available later on? Which ones like the ones recorded right now,
you're gonna have on paper?
Speaker 1 (53:44):
Yeah? So so so. Actually they are all live on
the Selective Ignorance Feed. So if you want to go
listen to Pain and Pleasure, both of those are on
the feed. And then next week we're doing Power.
Speaker 4 (53:58):
Okay, pun right, So a shorter chapter, so I want to.
Speaker 1 (54:01):
Yeah, So for me, Power is going to be more
of a not only overview. I think I'm intentionally gonna
come in with some of the chapters that got changed
and left out, so we have a whole proposal. So
I think I'm gonna lean into which chapters didn't make
the book and why, and I'm gonna do those through
(54:25):
literally leaning into our old drafts. So next week is
going to be a deeper dive into into that chapters
that didn't make it, stories that I could have told
that could have fit into the chapters had they been
allowed to be a little longer and just a little
(54:46):
bit more of conversations with you all. I would really
love to hear from more women on moments that made
them find their power, ways in which they've overcome either
bad for lif relationships or saw that they weren't showing
up as their best selves, and what kind of turning
(55:07):
moment that looked like. I shared a lot of turning
moments in this book, and so for me, I would
really love to hear other turning moments. I think these
types of conversations are how people can continue to see
how they can pivot out of bad situations and find
their own power. So that's kind of what next week's
going to be more about.
Speaker 4 (55:27):
Exciting and I wanted to have books and podcasts you
were talking about to help you on your healing journey.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
Ooh, one of my favorite books that I leaned into
for how I wanted to write my stories specifically. I
don't know if I've mentioned it. I know we've talked about.
This book is essentially Zay meets Chicken Soup for the Soul.
(55:55):
One of my favorite books that helped me kind of
formulate how my stories would be told in this book
is What I Know for Sure by Oprah Winfrey, probably
one of my favorite books or memoirs essentially by somebody,
and so that book helped me with telling my own story.
(56:18):
I'm obsessed with Mel Robbins, so Mel Robbins really, but
more than anything, honestly, it was my therapy sessions, which,
like I said, I did record. I just have to
figure out how I want to chop and screw that
to share with y'all. And it's a lot of fucking crying,
so I don't know if it's even fucking legible. And
I'm clearly on on therapy, so there's like in therapy,
(56:41):
so I don't have a microphone, so I have to
go back and make sure it's it's something that would
be enjoyable. But I was recording those sessions during this process.
Anything else before we get out of here, Do.
Speaker 4 (57:00):
You guys have more behind the scenes of the recording process.
Speaker 1 (57:06):
I can ask if Eden has any extended forms of it.
I have like a video of me in the booth,
just like literally recording it. We also do have bts
coming out on the Decisions Decisions Patreon or Horrible Decisions
Patreon of the first week of our bookstore run. I
(57:30):
I'd have to look back through. Let me let me
talk to Eden to see if there's anyway he has
enough footage to chop up more of what that day
looked like. I'll ask. I'm glad that you enjoyed that
as well, by the way, and thank you so very much.
Hope that you guys enjoy and Brie, I'm just gonn
(57:54):
answer your question before we get out of here. Do
you plan to do something similar for the Masterclass? Possibly?
I don't know if we have really bts from the Masterclass,
but we are looking to make the Masterclass more easily
accessible for everyone who purchased the book, so maybe making
that easier. But thank you guys so very much. Selective
(58:18):
Ignorance a production of the Black Effect podcast Network. For
more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 6 (58:28):
Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.
Selective Ignorance It's executive produced to buy Mandy B and
it's a Full Court Media studio production with lead producers
Jason Rondriguez. That's me and Aaron A.
Speaker 1 (58:40):
King Howard.
Speaker 6 (58:41):
Now, do us a favor and rate, subscribe, comment and
share wherever you get your favorite podcasts, and be sure
to follow Selective Ignorance on Instagram at Selective Underscore Ignorance.
And of course, if you're not following our hosts Mandy B,
make sure you're following her at Full Court Pumps.
Speaker 3 (58:56):
Now.
Speaker 6 (58:57):
If you want the full video experience of Selective Ignorance,
make sure you subscribe to the Patreon. It's patreon dot
com backslash Selective Ignorance
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