July 18, 2025 • 57 mins
In this special bonus episode of Selective Ignorance, Mandii B turns the spotlight on the pleasure chapter of her book, No Holes Bared, opening up a candid and empowering conversation about the importance of pleasure education—especially for women navigating a world full of mixed messages around sex and self-worth.
[00:00] The episode kicks off with a deep dive into what pleasure education really means, why it's often overlooked, and how reclaiming that knowledge can be transformative. Mandii reflects on her own journey, offering personal stories about her upbringing and how early relationships shaped her views on intimacy and self-acceptance.
[13:01] As she unpacks the challenges of early adulthood, Mandii speaks openly about learning to prioritize her own needs, emotionally and physically, in relationships. [27:11] The conversation turns to self-pleasure and sexual exploration, emphasizing the role these experiences play in developing confidence, body autonomy, and emotional clarity.
[27:41] A moment of unexpected connection leads into a broader discussion on safety and trust, especially when trying new things. [28:10] Mandii shares how learning to set boundaries helped her feel empowered, not only in intimate moments but in life at large. [29:57] The episode explores how past relationships can influence future choices, highlighting the ways personal growth often stems from heartbreak and healing.
[31:34] Mandii breaks down what it really means to “shoot your shot”, revealing how confidence, fear of rejection, and vulnerability all play a part in pursuing what (or who) you want. [35:40] The conversation expands into sexual liberation, exploring the delicate balance between exploration and setting personal boundaries. [41:19] Mandii contextualizes these experiences within cultural norms, especially the stigmas that often shape women’s understanding of pleasure and sexuality.
[47:20] The episode closes with reflections on how relationships—romantic, platonic, and with oneself—continue to evolve, and how embracing pleasure, in all its forms, is a key part of that growth.
This episode is a personal and powerful reminder that pleasure is not just about sex—it’s about agency, curiosity, healing, and joy.
“No Holes Barred: A Dual Manifesto Of Sexual Exploration And Power” w/ Tempest X!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, y'all, it's MANDYV. Your host, and welcome back to
Selective Ignorance. Today. I've got some extra special lined up
for y'all. It's a bonus episode straight from my virtual
book club session, diving deep into the pleasure section of
my New York Times best selling book, No Holds Barred,
a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power. Now listen,
(00:23):
y'all know, I create a selective ignorance because there's just
too much we willingly stay blind to. And one of
those major blind spots is pleasure education. Especially for us
as women, we grow up ignorant because the world around
us stays silent or worse, shames us into silence. And
don't even get me started on the ignorance that's baked
deep into homophobia across Caribbean cultures and African American cultures.
(00:48):
And how often that fear of judgment, those whispers keep
us from fully embracing the joy, intimacy, and beautiful connections
that are right there for us to experience. This conversation
is real, raw, It's packed with insight and stories that
I genuinely cannot wait for y'all to hear. So get comfy,
open your minds, and let's get into this special bonus
(01:09):
episode from my virtual book club chat about pleasure relationships
and breaking through that ignorance that keeps us holding back.
I promise you won't want to miss it. This is
another episode of selective ignorance. All right, So this is
the first of four of the book club No Holds Barred,
(01:31):
a dual manifesto, a sexual exploration and power. I'm your girl,
Mandy B. And we are going over my chapters and
introduction in the book that is now if you're unaware,
a New York Times bestseller from air class hand class applause.
(01:53):
I just want y'all to know, like that means the world,
because baby out. I don't think anyone thought we could
do it, including myself. I'll be honest. I just didn't know.
And when it happened, that was probably my first time
in a long time crying tears of joy for an accolade.
(02:15):
For those of you who don't know, that sort of
title as an author is only given to point zero
one percent of all authors with books. It is very
hard to get. You cannot buy it, you cannot suck
yo dick to it, you cannot date someone to it.
You cannot payola it. It is one of those where
(02:37):
it don't matter who you know. There's a system that
nobody even knows, and somehow we got it. So I'm
really excited about that. And so for the next hour,
we're gonna be going over all of the sexy parts
of my chapters in the pleasure section alone, along with
(03:02):
my selectively ignorant parts of my chapters. So I felt
it very important and I was not going to write
this book if I could not be transparent about holding
up a mirror and talking about the things that I
went through therapy and had to fight through, had to
(03:24):
talk through. So we're going to get into it, and
we'll start with the introduction. The introduction that is funny too.
So the introduction introduces who I am, my family, dynamics,
and backstory, because that's what you're gonna get for this episode.
I'm not going to summarize the book. Hopefully if you're
(03:45):
listening to this you've already read it. But the introduction
about myself, I probably wrote three or four different ways.
I did include my family. I thought it was important
to share my familial upbringing, my socioeconomic status, and then
(04:06):
my delusion of kind of the American dream and thinking
if I did everything right, everything would pan out however
I wanted it to be. I also talk about not
being able to choose my name, not being able to
choose the family members, and not being able to choose
any of the cards I was dealt, which I think
(04:27):
a lot of us we don't get stuff. I could
choose it, bitch, if I could have been a NEPO baby,
that is what I would today reincarnate myself as. And
we're sure maybe some of them work. I don't know,
I and so the chapter was important for me to
(04:50):
first off share my introduce myself as having a Caribbean
background with my dad, and then also sharing the relationship
with my mom and my dad because they were two
very different things. My mom was a single mom, single parent,
and my daddy thought that because he paid child support
(05:10):
he was he deserved a Dad of the Year award.
And then of course you elevate or you get further
into my introduction, and I talk about the influence of
pop culture in my life. So seeing that dating was
like the flavor of love where you're fighting for attention
(05:32):
from probably an ugly man. But if you got money,
that's who you want to date, right, And then of
course the video vixen era, where the sexier you are,
the more of a luxurious life you're able to obtain.
And so that was kind of the scope of what
introduced me to myself, is what maybe being a woman
(05:56):
would be like and kind of the places I wanted
to go. JT has their hand raised, and so again,
because this is a book club, we're starting here. Any
questions you have from the introduction, please ask away, and
we're gonna lean into the rest of the chapters. It'll
get nasty. I'll give y'all tea all the things, but JT,
(06:18):
go ahead, what's your question or comment?
Speaker 2 (06:21):
I just wanted to say that I actually really enjoyed
your intro. I saw myself a lot in your intro.
Myself had my first job at fifteen, and I felt
like I didn't get that support from my parents, and
I wanted to start working as soon as possible to
take care of myself. And I really resonated with that
in your chapter. And I was just wondering if like
(06:42):
kind of going from survival mode at a young age
also transferred into your dating relationships and how that molded
you as well as far as we talk about men
a lot saying, like, you know, they're focused on money,
they don't have time to put into like the emotional side.
But what about us women that also didn't have that support,
(07:02):
and we had to work from a very young age,
and maybe we just didn't get that guidance on how
to be in a relationship because we were so focused
on taking care of ourself and our needs that that
was kind of on the back burner. So do you
feel like working from such a young age kind of
made that more of a priority than the interpersonal dating relationships?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
I mean absolutely, So I talk about my first job
being at Quiznos and being so proud that I learned
the sandwiches like so quickly to get my quarter rays.
And then honestly, by the time I was in my
senior year of high school, mind you, I mean senior
in high school taken AP courses, but because I was
(07:45):
so ahead, I only had like three or four classes.
I had two jobs my senior year, so I worked
at Coach and Route twenty one at the premium outlets
in Orlando. So to me, yeah, it was always about
making money because again my mom didn't have everything to
(08:07):
give us what we wanted. My dad was very like
again probably a narcissist now that I look back at it,
like he would dangle money and he would give it
to us sometimes and sometimes no, depending on his mood
or his relationship with my mom. For me, though, I
think having to have started working by like at fifteen
(08:30):
years old, it made me not believe in my mom
supporting me, and so I left the house at eighteen,
three days after graduation, and so moving to Atlanta thinking
I knew everything, having to work, not knowing what it's
like to really be an adult, and never having those
conversations with my mom to me one hundred percent, kind
(08:52):
of led me to getting with the girls to let
me know, Oh, bitch, you can get this from men,
you can get that, mind you. I hadn't even had
a passport at this time, so traveling for me growing
up looked like driving to key West or going to
Daytona or going to Coco or going to Tampa. We
(09:14):
didn't even travel as a family growing up, and so
for me, even men being able to put me on
a plane, which is why I was like, ooh, you
want me to go to Memphis? Never been there Portland,
but chall was going to the most awful, boring cities.
But it was also just too you know. I know, listen,
listen girl, this was me at eighteen. I don't do
(09:34):
that now. God turned down a truck of Panama this year.
But anyways, I think that having to work at such
an early age and being so dependent only on myself,
and then once I moved out of out of my house,
I remember I slept on the floor in my first
(09:55):
apartment for probably like three or four months until I
think you guys hear it in a further chapter in progression,
I went on a whole trip and ate a whole
bunch of wings at Buffalo Wild Wings to be able
to afford a fucking bed to sleep on. So like
for me, I do agree with having to work early.
(10:17):
I think, push me into this only you got yourself mentality,
And I think to this day I'm still very much
in that space, which I think is unhealthy. But I
think for anyone who maybe started with a job at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen,
I think you can genuinely believe that you saw yourself
(10:39):
as an adult at a much earlier age than you
should have. You were handling bills at a much earlier
age than you should have. And so because I was
doing things very much like an adult, bitch, I thought
I could fuck some dick like an adult, and so
it made me feel like I was much more advanced
in a head than I really was mentally and emotionally
(11:01):
for sure. And so yeah, that was a great question,
and I hope that kind of was able to be
reflected in my introduction because I think it's what drew
the parallel between Weezy and I. I think even putting
it in there that like, you know, I would go
(11:23):
to her house with this, you know, manicured lawn and
things like that, and I'd never, like, no one in
my family lived the way she did. And so I
was able to experience just like a two parent household,
you know, her having her own bedroom and those siblings
like it was completely the opposite of the experience that
(11:44):
I had at home across town. So yeah, and so
I also just want to add in there as being
that I started working so early too. It's why I
was like, Okay, I have to have perfect attendance, I
have to get the best grades, because if I do
(12:05):
all of this, I'm gonna get into college. I'm gonna
make all the money. I'm gonna find a man with
a lot of money to be my husband, and we're
gonna have the white pick of fence and American dream.
And maybe it didn't happen that way. And I think
that also was with me thinking I knew everything. I
really didn't have the resources at the time to tell
me what college really was.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Like.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Girl, I got a motherfucking Georgia. They said, bitch, all right,
you got about twelve thousand dollars in Sally May. You're
out of state. You owe us another twelve thousand, five
hundred dollars. And mind you, baby, at eighteen years old,
having to come up with twenty four thousand dollars for
a goddamn semester wasn't happening like so, I think, actually
(12:52):
that's what it was. It was for the year, but
it was like twelve five for the year I only
got or was whatever it was, I had only half
of it in Pale and I was like, bitch, I
am sleeping on the floor right now, I have to
buy books, and so early on having to work, having
(13:13):
to navigate adulthood without really anybody to help navigate me.
I think definitely led to, you know, my journey, which
we'll get into. So first chapter is how can I
(13:36):
expect you to please me if I can't please myself?
Now this is interesting because if y'all been listening to
horrible decisions, decisions, decisions for some time, y'all go back
to the beginning. Bitch. I used to pride myself in
these two little fingers. I don't think they were cut
short back then, but I used to be like anti toys,
(13:58):
anti like a lot of things, just in terms of
anything else to help me masturbate, because I was just like,
all I need is my porn in my hand and
my two little fingers, and I'm going between imagination and visual.
I'm good. And so this chapter is one of the
(14:19):
chapters that actually was cut the most. So there was
an entire portion in here that got cut, and it
was around one of my best friends growing up. I
talk about how I entered the kindergarten classroom and I
(14:41):
stood there ready for my first day of school, and
she came in in a little king sinneta dress because
you know how, you know how parents used to dress
their kids back in the nineties. Man, Why are you
dressed like you going to a King Sinata? Anyway, I
remember visually she came in the king sinneta dress and
was crying, balling her eyes out. Anyways, from there, I
(15:06):
was like, girl, you ain't gotta cry. Bitch. We in
school now, and we became best friends literally throughout high school,
Like we went to school for a few years together.
But I actually talk about how after the Teddy Bear,
after the shower head in the bathroom, I had got
(15:29):
to hunching my friends, and it was just way more
of a visual representation of that. And I want to
say maybe the editor was like, bitch, we cannot put
in here two eight year olds hunching, playing school playing.
So that's what we like. There was a whole story.
(15:51):
I like visualized her room. I remembered like the wallpaper
would it looked like. And there was a conversation about
if it was appropriate to put, which is why we
ended up putting all those stats. So there was a
conversation about if it was appropriate to put that Me
and this girl at eight years old were dry humping
(16:12):
and scissoring essentially and rubbing our couchies together on her bed,
and so I even put one of the instances that
we almost got caught where her dad came into the
room and we fell to the floor and she acted
like we were playing school and I was being I
was being in trouble or something like that, and so
(16:32):
I narrated this and Weezy. Weezy doesn't share. She shares
that she likes a girl down the like on her block.
By the way, in the chat, Connie just said, didn't
Weezy share something similar though, Yes, But I don't think
she went into the graphics of it. I think she
(16:54):
expressed that she liked this girl and that she wanted
to do things, and that's how she knew she was bisexual.
But like girl, I was like, the bed was like this,
and her dad walked in, and I guess it was
just a lot. So a part of even the stats
that you hear in the masturbation chapter were because we
(17:17):
had to be like, yo, this is a real thing.
Like I don't know how many of you in here
right now are parents, but I love to make people uncomfortable.
If your child is at least ten, they are playing
with themselves, they are probably hunching their schoolmates, and you
just have to realize that they are figuring themselves out too,
(17:39):
and the best thing that you could do is guide
them and not make anything feel like what they're doing
is wrong. Cause again, everything that I did and every
which way I had to figure myself out was in
a less desirable way, Like I wish someone told me like, oh, yeah,
you're gonna touch yourself, that's normal, Like you want to
make sure it feels good. You want to make sure
no one touches you when you don't want to be touched,
(18:01):
Like I kind of wish those conversations were had, because essentially,
when you get deeper into this chapter, by the time
I started fucking, that was the pleasure I had, And
that's the only pleasure I really knew, Like, because I
didn't know anyone to guide me through masturbation, it was like, well,
(18:22):
we're just doing this until we fuck, and then once
you fuck, once you have sex, this is the oh
you know what I mean, It's supposed to be grand opening,
like you're experiencing the best thing that you can absolutely experience.
And so for my teens into my early twenties, bitch,
(18:45):
if I was horny, ain't no masturbation, bit y'all. Thought
I was watching point on the BlackBerry, No, I was
calling the nigga over. I was like, how do I
please myself now that I've had sex? And so I
would say between the once my mom knew that I
(19:07):
was pregnant, I wish we would have had more conversations
about pleasure. Connie, your hand was raised. Do you have
anything to add on?
Speaker 4 (19:17):
I had a question, even though it's teams sucked them kids,
how would you approach a conversation with let's just say
grade school kids about masturbation and body exploration, because that's
truly what it is.
Speaker 5 (19:33):
Like one day they just rubbed up against that teddy
bear and they're like, oh.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
Bitch and felt and felt the heat. I think there's
two conversations that should actually be had. I would say
middle school. So middle school is the time that I
ain't even gonna hold you. It was the nastiest in
middle school. Behind the gym fingering, the boys now just
pulling out their dicks playing pockets. I don't know if
(19:58):
y'all know the game pockets, where you literally put your
hand in a nigga's sweatpants just to feel his dick.
Like middle school was insane. They also liked looking titties
back then. So for me, the conversation starts in middle school,
especially because even if you're a sixth grader, right, that
was another part that didn't get added in this book. Either.
(20:21):
I was in love with this nigga named Paris, and
that's who took my virginity. Bitch. He came over and
I braided his hair while my mom was gone, okay, bitch,
and that's how I lost my like, So that whole
story also, I believe got taken out, but I pretty
much narrated how I explored sexually. And for me, middle
(20:46):
school was where it was the most like horny, honestly,
because maybe everyone's not getting their periods, your breasts are hurting,
your breasts are growing, you're getting hips, you're getting thighs,
the boys are figuring it out. For me, the conversation
looks like a normalizing the fact that you are going
(21:07):
to feel desire, be horny, like you may want to
watch certain videos, or psychologically you're gonna be interested in
things that we know we've told you. You're not supposed
to be right because you shouldn't be thinking about sex
that young. However, I would a normalize the feelings that
just scientifically come about from it. And then I would
(21:30):
urge the conversation for someone raising a daughter to talk
about boundaries and consent. Luckily, liquor isn't really introduced yet there.
So I think if you have a strong grasp on
consent and telling a boy no and them not feeling
pressured by a boy because they're gonna feel pressured by them,
(21:53):
middle school, to me, is probably the best time frame
to prepare them for high scho because let's be very clear,
by high school, the parents are out of town, they're drinking,
they're sneaking drinks, they're going to clubs with fake id's.
It just is what it is. And so middle school
for me was where I wish I wasn't being told
(22:14):
I was fast by my coaches. I wish they were
having actual conversations with me, and they weren't. And so
to me, that's those are the two conversations I would
have around consent boundaries and then around normalizing the feeling
of being aroused and turned on. And I just don't
think that happens, because still I think parents just want
(22:36):
to be like, don't touch a boy, don't fuck, don't
do I ah ah. And then It's also the disconnect
of parents remembering what they were doing at that age,
thinking that telling them this is the way to parent.
I think that children have way more access to way
more than we did, so I know they're hornier than
I was. Kids gotta be hornier now than ever. Bro,
(22:57):
you go on Twitter, you go on TikTok, dicks, it's pussies,
it's people in polyamorous relationships. So I can only imagine
these little middle school boys thinking they can have two girlfriends,
like the conversations need to be had. Literally, I would
say eleven to fourteen, which is like six to eighth grade.
Speaker 5 (23:18):
That's the I worked out of junior high for a
very long time and some of my and I primarily
work with sixth graders, and a lot of those kids
still have the mentality of well, especially for like my girls,
it would be like, well, this boy's being mean to me,
so therefore that must mean he likes me, because that's
what everybody, all of my peers are telling me.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Right yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5 (23:43):
So It's like but then you grow up and you think, well,
this person's being mean to me, they must really love me.
It has a pattern, and I think the fact that
there isn't a conversation, or you're dealing with cross generations
where especially depending on like what city or where state
you're in. Of course I was in California, so it's
like you have a big population of Catholic kids coming
(24:06):
in where their parents are not talking about sex, they're
not talking about sexual health. This little girl thought she
was dying when she got her period in fifth grade.
She had no idea what was going on in her body.
So having these conversations I think at a certain point
in elementary school is important because for some kids, especially
the more we move on, like a lot of their
(24:28):
hormones they're starting to kick in early. So as long
as they know these are the things you can expect
in the next couple of years, I think that almost
like crimes them said, have a bigger conversation when they're
in junior high around consent, body, of the autonomy, safety
more than anything.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
I agree. I also want to read Jat's comment in
the chat. It's very strange that we go from being
fast quote unquote to when are you going to give
me grandkids? And never the in between, which I think
is very prevalent specifically within our community. Right like it's like,
(25:07):
all right, hold out to marriage, but then you get
to your twenties, it's like, nope, where the kids at
want them? Like whoahoa, whoa that like Hilaire Helaire. So yeah,
I do want to end this chapter by saying, once
I really got to a place of self pleasure and
(25:31):
knowing how to like make myself go to sleep at night,
essentially without the melatonin, it really became to where, I
don't want to call it postnut clarity, but being able
to please myself allowed me to take a step back
from needing to be penetrated or needing to be a
(25:53):
vessel for a man to come pleased, because at one
point I thought that that was pleasure. So I talk
about it a lot. I talk about it at the
end of the chapter. There's so many ways that you
can find self pleasure, and now I mean honestly as adults.
It could be just sleeping in and not setting alarm.
(26:13):
It could be just wearing something sexy. It could be
the way you feel on your breast when they're tender,
because boy minds be tender around the week beforehand. There's
so many other ways to just find ways to not
feel the need to be with someone else that I
just wish that was something that I experienced at a
(26:34):
younger age. So that's why I wanted to include and
start the book off this way because it's definitely something
that I learned. I do. Before we get into the
next chapter, kW says, I think the kids coming up
now will be more informed than we were because we
are the ones teaching them. Those that were teaching us
were taught to feel shame around sex and their vaginas
(26:56):
as a whole. Yeah, but they still are alive, Like bitch,
we here, but we still have our parents and everyone
raised in that era with podcast mics. We still have
them writing books, we still have them teaching our kids,
we still have them running our offices. And so I
(27:20):
do still think that there's a lot to be said.
You guys, weren't a part of it, for anyone, not
a part of the pregame. I share it like, we're
still fighting not only as women, not only as black women.
But the last thing people want is for sexually liberated
women to have a voice, and I hate that. But
(27:42):
here we are all right. The next chapter comes from
a story I shared on the pod, and I just
want to give y'all some back tee to how the
story shifted. So the next chapter we're getting into is
did you know you could find unicorns in Mexico? Now,
(28:05):
this whole chapter was written, and I was so excited.
I was like, ooh, yeah, broke up with my nigga,
ended up in Mexico, hollowed that a couple and it
was great, right, And so the chapter initially was about
being alone dealing with the heartbreak of that X. I
(28:28):
think that was breakup number seven or so, I don't
even remember. And the crazy part is the editor tried
to make this chapter around safety because she was like,
what do you mean you stayed with a couple in
a foreign country, Like you weren't scared they were going
to chop you into little pieces? You weren't scared they
(28:49):
weren't going to kidnap you, Like, how do you know
if a couple was safe or not? And the whole
time I'm reading the notes, it's like, damn, bitch, say
lifetime ho. Everybody gonna chop you up in a little bit,
mind you single heterosexual men will chop you up into pieces.
So this idea that a couple made her mind, so like,
(29:14):
whoa you left with a man and a woman. And
so me and Tempest had to talk about what this
chapter actually entailed. She questioned me, if I spoke to
the couple after and all these things, and mind you again,
I was over not embellishing, but over describing what that
(29:38):
trip was for me, And so me swimming with the
well sharks was kind of where we went back to
because the well sharks was something I always wanted to do,
but my friends as niggas, and so they was like, bitch, hey,
(30:00):
nobody gets I would show them pictures, they like, bitch,
why do you want to be in the water with that?
No one wants to do that. So literally, it's something
that I wanted to do when I went to South Africa.
And so when I sat with Tempest about this chapter specifically,
I sat and was like, you know what, if I
was even with my best friend, if I was with
(30:22):
a not so close friend, if I wanted to stay
on the island with that couple, they would have convinced
me not to. And so the chapter became how much
sometimes our partners are determined by what we think everyone
around us will think. So sometimes it's your parents, sometimes
(30:46):
it's your friends, like I don't know how many of
y'all even still go back to dealing with an ex
you know you actually can't tell nobody about because they
gonna be like, now, bitch, why would you do something
so stupid? And sometimes you just don't want to hear
that because we're human and I want to be stupid,
so so literally, mind you. In the process of writing
(31:10):
this book, though I was dogging him on the podcast,
I was very much between emails and still grieving and
thinking about my ex. So when we first started the book,
my ex was a part of like so many of these,
and I was like, then we break up, and I
(31:33):
had to change the narrative and I go from hating
him to trying to figure out how to remember the
things that I loved that I learned from. And in
this chapter specifically, I'm like, damn, I was only on
this island because we broke up. I had this experience
because of him, and it was just really difficult processing
(31:54):
that while writing this. But this chapter specifically, I talk
about shooting my shot, and I think I've been saying that.
I don't know how early in the Horrible Decisions Days,
but I'm gonna teach y'all, I'm bringing this to the tour.
This is one of the things I want to bring
to the tour. I don't know why. If you go
(32:18):
back to the last chapter we just discussed, I say
we should teach girls consent. We should teach boys consent.
Someone in Atlanta's getting locked up. Sorry, But also we
should learn how to create boundaries and say no, right,
and so in terms of shooting your shot, if you're
(32:40):
teaching someone how to say no, there has to be
the same level of attention put to allowing us to
accept rejection and baby, I don't even want to tell
y'all all the people out of shot my shot at
and being curved by But it's been a lot. It's
been a lot, like I felt a way time. I
don't even think I ever told this on the podcast.
(33:02):
I remember I was at It was at the Migos.
Migos was opening for Drake. I'm in Atlanta, and maybe
I was feeling really gay, y'all. I shot my shot
at younger May, and I feel embarrassed to say I
was curved by young and May. But I was curved
(33:24):
by young and May and I treated her probably because
she want to be a nigga, and of course I
offered to buy her a drink at the goddamn stadium,
but it was like a okay, bitch, you don't want
to drink, I guess I ain't gonna talk to you.
And it was just that simple, and I went about
and enjoyed the concert for the rest of the time.
And I think for a lot of the times when
(33:47):
we fear approaching somebody, it's because, oh my god, what
if they don't like me?
Speaker 3 (33:55):
Bitch?
Speaker 1 (33:56):
How many people do you not like? I think that's like, like, mentally,
we have to be in a space where we enjoyed
the nose right, we enjoy or or not even we
enjoy hating people, but we sit and realize, huh, I
don't really like that person. I don't like I don't
really like his uh I don't like his shoes. I
(34:17):
don't like how he chew his food. Bitch, I might
not like how you chew your food. So in shooting
your shot, it's all about just accepting that maybe you're
not for that person, and it's okay. I actually experienced
that so much, and I think it's probably why I'm
so confident now. Bitch. I used to be the big friend.
(34:38):
I was the big friend, and so there was a
lot of times where I wasn't talked to in a group,
and I think internally I had to be like, oh,
he just likes kinny bitches. That's fine. His loss, because
I knew I still had niggas on my line. And
so I think a part of even a huge part
of my confidence in being able to shoot my shot,
(35:02):
because y'all hear in the book I acknowledge my lack
of confidence in a lot of spaces. I think what
allowed me to build my confidence to accept rejection was
realizing that not every everybody is for me, and I'm
not for everybody, and that is life. And it's oh, okay,
(35:23):
how many movies you watch and it ain't for you.
How many movies you see the trailer for and you're like, bitch,
that looks whack. Think of people as trailers and movies.
That's what you are. You're a trailer of a movie.
And maybe you're just not the genre that a man
like or a woman like, and let that be okay.
(35:44):
So this chapter for me was leaning into, hopefully for
the readers, thinking of all the partners they could have had,
should have had, all the vacations they went on where
they wanted to say something to someone they thought it
was cute sitting on the train looking across and seeing
(36:04):
someone attractive and not hitting on them all because of
the fear of rejection. And so that chapter for me
really looked at and really cemented like creating the life
I want to live and whether that's in the bedroom
or out the bedroom, that's kind of how that chapter
(36:28):
ended up shaping up. And so if there's any questions
about do you know you could find unicorns in Mexico?
Ask now. I am going to leave some time to
ask questions at the very end too. But y'all know,
y'all helped pick the title for the next chapter in
(36:50):
the book, and that's the chapter that people just still
decide to ask me about and want to talk about.
But every time I'm go on a podcast and I'm like, y'all,
calm down, it's just a boodole. So is there any
stories of anything? By the way, Haley in the comment says,
(37:13):
not a question. But reading this with my husband has
opened us up so many convos. There we go love
that you said that Brittany has her hand raised Before
I get to Brittany Essence Festival. I'm talking to Candy
about this specific chapter. Now we know Candy has taken
a dungeon on tour, Candy has sex toys, Candy brought
(37:37):
Bolo to the screen. Okay, I'm sitting here telling her
about this specific chapter in the book, because of course
she asked what it's about, and her jaw is to
the floor. And so I'm explaining to her my time
in Mexico and what happened and how I walked up
with the tequila shots and how I stayed with them
(37:59):
for the weekend and how it's so great. And I
was like, oh, not me, feeling a little judge Candy,
Oh wait, how is your jaw to the floor. And
it was so interesting because I shared this perspective from
a girl that literally kind of shot her shot at
a couple, and so her hearing me tell it, I
(38:23):
didn't realize I was talking to the other person. So
she was like, as you're telling me you did this.
I'm trying to think of how me and Todd would respond,
like what if that happen to us on a vacation,
how do we like make them feel safe enough to where,
you know, like and she was like, oh damn, I like,
(38:43):
I don't think we ever got hit on like that.
So it was interesting to hear her kind of like
try to figure out in real time, like oh bitch,
we would be the couple. And so it was really
really dope talking to someone who's in a in a
marriage who I find to be this sexually liberated woman
(39:03):
who was like, ooh oh shit. But how Brittany, do
you have a question?
Speaker 3 (39:12):
Yeah, I was gonna ask, would you ever revisit possibly
becoming a unicorn for a couple?
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Gangscuse?
Speaker 3 (39:17):
I know it the black guy and the Asian lady
kind of didn't end well?
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Would you ever?
Speaker 3 (39:23):
Because in the chapter the way you wrote it, you
can tell like you really enjoyed yourself like that dynamic
really like did some day for you?
Speaker 1 (39:32):
So that's my question, do you know what's crazy and
actually dating a couple last year and getting into the
actual conversations about meeting family and friends and titles y'all.
I don't know if y'all remember if you're listening, she
didn't want me to have the girlfriend's title. She just wanted,
you know, something else, And so for me, I think
(39:54):
why this experience also was so great was because it
just left all of the actual parts of a relationship
out of it. We literally just got to enjoy each other.
We didn't talk about who paying rent, who's splitting bills,
who's like who, what's the hierarchy of this, what dynamic
of Polly, what are the boundaries of other people? And
(40:18):
it was just like a beautiful experience with other people.
And so I think what I realized is I don't
mind joining a couple sexually, but I think it goes
back to how I feel about dealing with women sexually.
I think it's a good moment. I would love to
be flown out to Fiji and fuck any millionaire in
(40:40):
his wife. Sure, let's do it, or any or any wife,
any millionaire and her husband, because there's millionaire women out
there with men that ain't got the money they got. Like,
I'm down to enjoy two people that are dope to
be around, that are sexy, that have the chemistry with me.
(41:03):
But I think navigating the psychological and emotional obstacles of
human beings and having experienced that last year, more power
to the people able to do that I didn't have.
It was a lot for me. So Brittany to answer
your question, I would do it in the same way
(41:23):
as in the book. Again, I would love to be
with a couple for an all expense paid trip on
an island somewhere, But I don't think that I would
want to actually be a long standing unicorn. So yeah, okay,
we got twenty minutes left. The last chapter in Pleasure
(41:49):
comes from a saying that was said when our good
friend Vinnie joined us on the pod, and it's can
I put it back there? I don't know if y'all
remember that episode, but that was my very elementary way
of asking if I could put a finger, a tongue,
or a strap in a man's ass. They asked, how
(42:12):
do you get there? And it's just say, can I
put it back there? And so this chapter for me
was important to do in a chronological sense. I thought
it was important to share and dig more into my
Caribbean background because of the homophobic roots of the Caribbean.
(42:33):
I also thought it to be very important to share
my early on days being in Atlanta because moving to
Atlanta was the very first time that a man even
asked to put it in my butt, and I was confused, bitch, Oh,
there's a whole another whole airphone. What you want to
put it on my ass, foll And so starting the
(42:55):
chapter off with that, and again I don't know if
you guys picked up on it. It was very big
for me to include elements of pop culture a little
bit throughout all of my chapters. So I brought up
Bouju Banten's Boom Bye Bye Bye Tea Boy and Da
and how I used to literally fucking wind my little
hips to that goddamn song, and it's talking about killing
(43:16):
gay men. And so for me, having grown up with
a cousin who had to leave Jamaica and come back
to the States and having to also not have the
freedom of seeing anyone lived their lives gay and free,
I didn't put it in there. But outside of my
(43:38):
gay cousin, my mom had one gay friend and he
died very early on of AIDS. So that was literally
all I knew of of lgbt Q. I A plus
ah ah like I didn't know anyone to really be lesbian.
I didn't know any like outside of my cousin who
(44:00):
was gay. We also never saw or met a partner
ever at b so it just wasn't introduced to my upbringing,
which I know is what led to a lot of
the ignorance I had around anal sex growing up. Also,
because many of us are millennials, who was out here saying, yeah,
(44:23):
put a big old dick in your butt. The butt
was even like tighter than the coachy and we all
even watching fucking loving basketball and all these movies they
said you was gonna bleed when you lost your virginity.
You was popping your cherry. Like nothing about even popping
your cherry made it seem like it wasn't gonna hurt
let alone putting it in yo shooter that shot shit,
(44:46):
like nothing about it made sense. I couldn't make it
make sense with any of my homegirls. None of my
homegirls was like, yeah, girl, put it in an ass.
Do you know in twenty twenty five, we were just
getting comfortable using lube. Do you think a nigga that
would have shamed us for our boot holes being dry?
Like what you want us to do?
Speaker 6 (45:05):
Like?
Speaker 1 (45:07):
So for me, it was really important for this, I know,
Connie you asked earlier, like even conversations, I would hope
teenagers are not having anal sex, because boy, does it
take a man who actually knows what they're doing to
make it feel pleasurable. But for me, even just the
normalization of LOUB I think is important expressing to women too,
(45:30):
that we don't just have one hole. I think it
should be that men have one hole, women have three,
or men have two holes, women have three. The mouth
of a hole then, like anatomically, let's prepare for what
actually happens with all parts of the body. Now, whether
you like it or not, it's something different, but for
(45:51):
women anal sex. For me growing up, it was never
taught that that was something that we should be even enjoying.
And so this chapter I go through with finally having
antal sex, it not being very pleasurable, me trying again.
I dusted myself off and tried again, like Elijah said,
(46:13):
and then it eventually like, okay, this kind of feels good.
And then I lean into what porn does to your brain.
It eventually will make you want to try those things.
And for me, being somehow curious and too gay, porn
allowed me to see men in that way that maybe
(46:38):
other men's semen. I found a man's ass to be beautiful,
like a little chocolate starfish, y'all. I was like that
thing ain't goinda cute, make a wink. And so because
I was also able to visually see men receive pleasure
this way, I wanted to please a man in ways
(46:58):
that probably he is often especially by women, but clearly
there's something enjoyable. And so then that led into me
going into the stories around pegging. It's also crazy because
going back to my first antal orgasm, that story I
did tell on the podcast, and that was with twenty
four to seven. So I think that might be actually
(47:22):
the only story of twenty four to seven in this book,
which is crazy because that nigga took up hell of
real estate on the podcast. I don't even think Lawyer
Bay is in here, fell and Baying in here when
I think of it. This book is really about my
relationship with myself because very few niggas made it in
here that should have made it in here. And I
(47:43):
don't know if y'all noticed that, but it was like,
niggas ainight main characters in my story, y'all. It's kind
of like I had this one time at band camp.
That's how I treated the niggas in this in this book. Honestly,
it really wasn't where they were my main characters, and
(48:05):
that was important to me but also made me realize,
but you really like the ability to have romantic relationships.
I'm dealing with it in therapy. Y'all dealing with it
in therapy. But yeah, I loved that my chapters leaned
more into the journey of my mind and my body
and the things that I learned along the way, because
(48:30):
it wasn't really about any of the relationships I had
with people as much as it was like, damn, bitch,
this happened, and now you have to learn from it,
or now what are you gonna take from this? And
so yeah, I'm just really glad that I was able
to hopefully showcase that Hailey said, this book is half
(48:53):
the link I expected. Y'all have so much more to say.
We need another book. So, Hailey, our deal was for
or I think sixty five to seventy five thousand words.
Our first submission of this book was ninety thousand, so
if you could think about that, we definitely cut about
(49:14):
fifteen to twenty thousand words from the book. So where
earlier I talked about describing my relationship with my first friend,
and again I had a lot more details and stories
that I included the guy Paris that I lost my
virginity to after I braided his hair while my mom
(49:36):
was at work. Like, there was just so many deeper
details that I included that essentially just got cut out.
And Connie wrote, having written a twenty thousand word essay,
that's a lot. Yeah, that's probably like another I mean,
(49:56):
our book. I would say that's probably another fifty plus
pages or so. So it was a lot cut out.
And so imagine how difficult it was as people sharing
their stories to make it fully drawn out, also wanting
to share because because the book does not have our faces,
(50:22):
because we wanted this to be something that could resonate.
The editor was very very I don't want to say strict,
but because I think it led to being a great book,
but was very adamant that we had to be speaking
to the reader. So when you see the moments where
we break from our story and say, if you're thinking
(50:44):
what you should do, or here's what you can do.
A part of this becoming a self help book was
to also include a guide. So between cutting parts of
our story out, we also had to pretty much speak
to you guys, as readers or listeners of the book
because maybe not everyone gives a fuck about a Mandy
or a Weezy story because who are you bitches? Right,
(51:05):
So we also had to find ways to tie in
the reader who may not know us and give them
power and tips and guides to do the things where
y'all may be like, bitches Vanilla that you fucked a
couple in Mexico. A lot of people would think otherwise,
me betting a man over, so me saying blue Blue
Blue would be like, oh, that's the first step. Like
(51:28):
there's still so many of us, And especially because I
still wanted this to be a book for Black women specifically,
what I've learned more than anything over the last seven
to eight months black women conservative is fuck y'all some
freaks right. Our whore hive is some freak as holes.
Y'all have made it out, y'all have got free. But
(51:49):
a lot of black women are really, really, really conservative,
and so we had to be able to be open
to speaking to them as well. So, yeah, Lee, ask
any chance that you all could share some of those
longer adaptations of the chapters. You know what, we have them,
(52:10):
So let me see if that is something that tempests
and Weezy would be willing to do, and maybe dropping
them in like a word doc on the Patreon is
something we could do. But yeah, i'd have to sift
through it because y'all gonna see some of my not
so great writing in the beginning too. But here we go.
(52:33):
We got about five minutes left before Weezy does her
book club. But I do want to allow the floor
for any questions from the pleasure chapter sections. Specifically, next
week we're diving into pain, so trigger warning for next
week it's abortion, it's sexual assault. It was a lot,
(52:56):
so next week, if you want to join on, it
definitely will be a deeper conversation and hopefully I'm able
to get you guys to share some more of your
your background and stories. But I'm gonna leave leave it open.
Lee also said that's so interesting. I never knew was
based on a word count. Oh yeah, baby, pages cost money.
(53:21):
They were like, but we paid you for this many pages.
You can't just get an extra fifty on us. So yeah,
if no one has any questions, oh there go, Tati,
you always do this. You wait too, I'll be like, so,
ain't nobody gonna ask nothing? I don't know why. I
gotta pull stuff out of y'all. I know, I just
try to make sure like everyone gets a chance. I
(53:42):
don't want to anyways. First and foremost, love nickname a
man of the Panda super cute. And then because of
what we have talked about before, your Atlanta roommate, how
much more older was she than you? And was she
the one that you had your first oral experience with?
Speaker 6 (54:02):
No?
Speaker 1 (54:03):
Okay, so my first oral experience with a woman that
was inappropriate now that I think about it. She was
like twenty two twenty three. I was sixteen. I had
a fake ID. We went to the club, but I
stayed at her house that night, and my first it
wasn't good. I remember not being good, which might be
(54:24):
why I hated head for so long. But she was
like twenty three, but of course had a car, had
her own place, like you know, And yeah, that was
my first experience. Did she know I was sixteen? She did,
but I had a fake ID and I looked grown,
and yeah, I don't know. I it's weird because that's
(54:46):
one of those where to this day, I still don't
feel like I was taking advantage of but maybe because
I felt grown, So I don't know, honestly, that one
I've never sat with, It's possible. And then my first
roommate that I lived with in Atlanta, I was eighteen,
(55:07):
she was probably twenty two, twenty one, twenty two, so
she wasn't much older than me, but she was outside
like she was she was a runner, she did drug
like she ran drugs for drug dealers, it was. And
she was just way more advanced than I was. And
so yeah, that my first roommate being to wear I
(55:28):
could watch her have sex or she would come in
and be like, do you want to join us, and
me just being like sure, okay, I think that that definitely,
like you know, opened that lifestyle up very quickly. Yeah, yeah,
(55:50):
but yeah, nonetheless, I'm about to get up off of here.
I hope you guys truly enjoyed the book club. I
love that you came with questions. And next week again
we will be talking about pain. So read those chapters
if you haven't yet, and I'm looking forward to seeing
(56:10):
you guys. Selective Ignorance a production of the Black Eppect
podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 6 (56:23):
Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.
Selective Ignorance it's executive produced to Buy Mandy B. And
it's a Full Court Media studio production with lead producers
Jason Mondriguez. That's me and Aaron A.
Speaker 1 (56:35):
King Howard.
Speaker 6 (56:36):
Now do us a favor and rate, Subscribe, comment and
share wherever you get your favorite podcasts, and be sure
to follow Selective Ignorance on Instagram at Selective Underscore Ignorance.
And of course, if you're not following our hosts Mandy B,
make sure you're following her at Full Court Pumps.
Speaker 3 (56:52):
Now.
Speaker 6 (56:52):
If you want the full video experience of Selective Ignorance,
make sure you subscribe to the Patreon. It's patreon dot
com backslash Selective of Ignorance m
Hey, y'all, it's MANDYV. Your host, and welcome back to
Selective Ignorance. Today. I've got some extra special lined up
for y'all. It's a bonus episode straight from my virtual
book club session, diving deep into the pleasure section of
my New York Times best selling book, No Holds Barred,
a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power. Now listen,
(00:23):
y'all know, I create a selective ignorance because there's just
too much we willingly stay blind to. And one of
those major blind spots is pleasure education. Especially for us
as women, we grow up ignorant because the world around
us stays silent or worse, shames us into silence. And
don't even get me started on the ignorance that's baked
deep into homophobia across Caribbean cultures and African American cultures.
(00:48):
And how often that fear of judgment, those whispers keep
us from fully embracing the joy, intimacy, and beautiful connections
that are right there for us to experience. This conversation
is real, raw, It's packed with insight and stories that
I genuinely cannot wait for y'all to hear. So get comfy,
open your minds, and let's get into this special bonus
(01:09):
episode from my virtual book club chat about pleasure relationships
and breaking through that ignorance that keeps us holding back.
I promise you won't want to miss it. This is
another episode of selective ignorance. All right, So this is
the first of four of the book club No Holds Barred,
(01:31):
a dual manifesto, a sexual exploration and power. I'm your girl,
Mandy B. And we are going over my chapters and
introduction in the book that is now if you're unaware,
a New York Times bestseller from air class hand class applause.
(01:53):
I just want y'all to know, like that means the world,
because baby out. I don't think anyone thought we could
do it, including myself. I'll be honest. I just didn't know.
And when it happened, that was probably my first time
in a long time crying tears of joy for an accolade.
(02:15):
For those of you who don't know, that sort of
title as an author is only given to point zero
one percent of all authors with books. It is very
hard to get. You cannot buy it, you cannot suck
yo dick to it, you cannot date someone to it.
You cannot payola it. It is one of those where
(02:37):
it don't matter who you know. There's a system that
nobody even knows, and somehow we got it. So I'm
really excited about that. And so for the next hour,
we're gonna be going over all of the sexy parts
of my chapters in the pleasure section alone, along with
(03:02):
my selectively ignorant parts of my chapters. So I felt
it very important and I was not going to write
this book if I could not be transparent about holding
up a mirror and talking about the things that I
went through therapy and had to fight through, had to
(03:24):
talk through. So we're going to get into it, and
we'll start with the introduction. The introduction that is funny too.
So the introduction introduces who I am, my family, dynamics,
and backstory, because that's what you're gonna get for this episode.
I'm not going to summarize the book. Hopefully if you're
(03:45):
listening to this you've already read it. But the introduction
about myself, I probably wrote three or four different ways.
I did include my family. I thought it was important
to share my familial upbringing, my socioeconomic status, and then
(04:06):
my delusion of kind of the American dream and thinking
if I did everything right, everything would pan out however
I wanted it to be. I also talk about not
being able to choose my name, not being able to
choose the family members, and not being able to choose
any of the cards I was dealt, which I think
(04:27):
a lot of us we don't get stuff. I could
choose it, bitch, if I could have been a NEPO baby,
that is what I would today reincarnate myself as. And
we're sure maybe some of them work. I don't know,
I and so the chapter was important for me to
(04:50):
first off share my introduce myself as having a Caribbean
background with my dad, and then also sharing the relationship
with my mom and my dad because they were two
very different things. My mom was a single mom, single parent,
and my daddy thought that because he paid child support
(05:10):
he was he deserved a Dad of the Year award.
And then of course you elevate or you get further
into my introduction, and I talk about the influence of
pop culture in my life. So seeing that dating was
like the flavor of love where you're fighting for attention
(05:32):
from probably an ugly man. But if you got money,
that's who you want to date, right, And then of
course the video vixen era, where the sexier you are,
the more of a luxurious life you're able to obtain.
And so that was kind of the scope of what
introduced me to myself, is what maybe being a woman
(05:56):
would be like and kind of the places I wanted
to go. JT has their hand raised, and so again,
because this is a book club, we're starting here. Any
questions you have from the introduction, please ask away, and
we're gonna lean into the rest of the chapters. It'll
get nasty. I'll give y'all tea all the things, but JT,
(06:18):
go ahead, what's your question or comment?
Speaker 2 (06:21):
I just wanted to say that I actually really enjoyed
your intro. I saw myself a lot in your intro.
Myself had my first job at fifteen, and I felt
like I didn't get that support from my parents, and
I wanted to start working as soon as possible to
take care of myself. And I really resonated with that
in your chapter. And I was just wondering if like
(06:42):
kind of going from survival mode at a young age
also transferred into your dating relationships and how that molded
you as well as far as we talk about men
a lot saying, like, you know, they're focused on money,
they don't have time to put into like the emotional side.
But what about us women that also didn't have that support,
(07:02):
and we had to work from a very young age,
and maybe we just didn't get that guidance on how
to be in a relationship because we were so focused
on taking care of ourself and our needs that that
was kind of on the back burner. So do you
feel like working from such a young age kind of
made that more of a priority than the interpersonal dating relationships?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
I mean absolutely, So I talk about my first job
being at Quiznos and being so proud that I learned
the sandwiches like so quickly to get my quarter rays.
And then honestly, by the time I was in my
senior year of high school, mind you, I mean senior
in high school taken AP courses, but because I was
(07:45):
so ahead, I only had like three or four classes.
I had two jobs my senior year, so I worked
at Coach and Route twenty one at the premium outlets
in Orlando. So to me, yeah, it was always about
making money because again my mom didn't have everything to
(08:07):
give us what we wanted. My dad was very like
again probably a narcissist now that I look back at it,
like he would dangle money and he would give it
to us sometimes and sometimes no, depending on his mood
or his relationship with my mom. For me, though, I
think having to have started working by like at fifteen
(08:30):
years old, it made me not believe in my mom
supporting me, and so I left the house at eighteen,
three days after graduation, and so moving to Atlanta thinking
I knew everything, having to work, not knowing what it's
like to really be an adult, and never having those
conversations with my mom to me one hundred percent, kind
(08:52):
of led me to getting with the girls to let
me know, Oh, bitch, you can get this from men,
you can get that, mind you. I hadn't even had
a passport at this time, so traveling for me growing
up looked like driving to key West or going to
Daytona or going to Coco or going to Tampa. We
(09:14):
didn't even travel as a family growing up, and so
for me, even men being able to put me on
a plane, which is why I was like, ooh, you
want me to go to Memphis? Never been there Portland,
but chall was going to the most awful, boring cities.
But it was also just too you know. I know, listen,
listen girl, this was me at eighteen. I don't do
(09:34):
that now. God turned down a truck of Panama this year.
But anyways, I think that having to work at such
an early age and being so dependent only on myself,
and then once I moved out of out of my house,
I remember I slept on the floor in my first
(09:55):
apartment for probably like three or four months until I
think you guys hear it in a further chapter in progression,
I went on a whole trip and ate a whole
bunch of wings at Buffalo Wild Wings to be able
to afford a fucking bed to sleep on. So like
for me, I do agree with having to work early.
(10:17):
I think, push me into this only you got yourself mentality,
And I think to this day I'm still very much
in that space, which I think is unhealthy. But I
think for anyone who maybe started with a job at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen,
I think you can genuinely believe that you saw yourself
(10:39):
as an adult at a much earlier age than you
should have. You were handling bills at a much earlier
age than you should have. And so because I was
doing things very much like an adult, bitch, I thought
I could fuck some dick like an adult, and so
it made me feel like I was much more advanced
in a head than I really was mentally and emotionally
(11:01):
for sure. And so yeah, that was a great question,
and I hope that kind of was able to be
reflected in my introduction because I think it's what drew
the parallel between Weezy and I. I think even putting
it in there that like, you know, I would go
(11:23):
to her house with this, you know, manicured lawn and
things like that, and I'd never, like, no one in
my family lived the way she did. And so I
was able to experience just like a two parent household,
you know, her having her own bedroom and those siblings
like it was completely the opposite of the experience that
(11:44):
I had at home across town. So yeah, and so
I also just want to add in there as being
that I started working so early too. It's why I
was like, Okay, I have to have perfect attendance, I
have to get the best grades, because if I do
(12:05):
all of this, I'm gonna get into college. I'm gonna
make all the money. I'm gonna find a man with
a lot of money to be my husband, and we're
gonna have the white pick of fence and American dream.
And maybe it didn't happen that way. And I think
that also was with me thinking I knew everything. I
really didn't have the resources at the time to tell
me what college really was.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Like.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Girl, I got a motherfucking Georgia. They said, bitch, all right,
you got about twelve thousand dollars in Sally May. You're
out of state. You owe us another twelve thousand, five
hundred dollars. And mind you, baby, at eighteen years old,
having to come up with twenty four thousand dollars for
a goddamn semester wasn't happening like so, I think, actually
(12:52):
that's what it was. It was for the year, but
it was like twelve five for the year I only
got or was whatever it was, I had only half
of it in Pale and I was like, bitch, I
am sleeping on the floor right now, I have to
buy books, and so early on having to work, having
(13:13):
to navigate adulthood without really anybody to help navigate me.
I think definitely led to, you know, my journey, which
we'll get into. So first chapter is how can I
(13:36):
expect you to please me if I can't please myself?
Now this is interesting because if y'all been listening to
horrible decisions, decisions, decisions for some time, y'all go back
to the beginning. Bitch. I used to pride myself in
these two little fingers. I don't think they were cut
short back then, but I used to be like anti toys,
(13:58):
anti like a lot of things, just in terms of
anything else to help me masturbate, because I was just like,
all I need is my porn in my hand and
my two little fingers, and I'm going between imagination and visual.
I'm good. And so this chapter is one of the
(14:19):
chapters that actually was cut the most. So there was
an entire portion in here that got cut, and it
was around one of my best friends growing up. I
talk about how I entered the kindergarten classroom and I
(14:41):
stood there ready for my first day of school, and
she came in in a little king sinneta dress because
you know how, you know how parents used to dress
their kids back in the nineties. Man, Why are you
dressed like you going to a King Sinata? Anyway, I
remember visually she came in the king sinneta dress and
was crying, balling her eyes out. Anyways, from there, I
(15:06):
was like, girl, you ain't gotta cry. Bitch. We in
school now, and we became best friends literally throughout high school,
Like we went to school for a few years together.
But I actually talk about how after the Teddy Bear,
after the shower head in the bathroom, I had got
(15:29):
to hunching my friends, and it was just way more
of a visual representation of that. And I want to
say maybe the editor was like, bitch, we cannot put
in here two eight year olds hunching, playing school playing.
So that's what we like. There was a whole story.
(15:51):
I like visualized her room. I remembered like the wallpaper
would it looked like. And there was a conversation about
if it was appropriate to put, which is why we
ended up putting all those stats. So there was a
conversation about if it was appropriate to put that Me
and this girl at eight years old were dry humping
(16:12):
and scissoring essentially and rubbing our couchies together on her bed,
and so I even put one of the instances that
we almost got caught where her dad came into the
room and we fell to the floor and she acted
like we were playing school and I was being I
was being in trouble or something like that, and so
(16:32):
I narrated this and Weezy. Weezy doesn't share. She shares
that she likes a girl down the like on her block.
By the way, in the chat, Connie just said, didn't
Weezy share something similar though, Yes, But I don't think
she went into the graphics of it. I think she
(16:54):
expressed that she liked this girl and that she wanted
to do things, and that's how she knew she was bisexual.
But like girl, I was like, the bed was like this,
and her dad walked in, and I guess it was
just a lot. So a part of even the stats
that you hear in the masturbation chapter were because we
(17:17):
had to be like, yo, this is a real thing.
Like I don't know how many of you in here
right now are parents, but I love to make people uncomfortable.
If your child is at least ten, they are playing
with themselves, they are probably hunching their schoolmates, and you
just have to realize that they are figuring themselves out too,
(17:39):
and the best thing that you could do is guide
them and not make anything feel like what they're doing
is wrong. Cause again, everything that I did and every
which way I had to figure myself out was in
a less desirable way, Like I wish someone told me like, oh, yeah,
you're gonna touch yourself, that's normal, Like you want to
make sure it feels good. You want to make sure
no one touches you when you don't want to be touched,
(18:01):
Like I kind of wish those conversations were had, because essentially,
when you get deeper into this chapter, by the time
I started fucking, that was the pleasure I had, And
that's the only pleasure I really knew, Like, because I
didn't know anyone to guide me through masturbation, it was like, well,
(18:22):
we're just doing this until we fuck, and then once
you fuck, once you have sex, this is the oh
you know what I mean, It's supposed to be grand opening,
like you're experiencing the best thing that you can absolutely experience.
And so for my teens into my early twenties, bitch,
(18:45):
if I was horny, ain't no masturbation, bit y'all. Thought
I was watching point on the BlackBerry, No, I was
calling the nigga over. I was like, how do I
please myself now that I've had sex? And so I
would say between the once my mom knew that I
(19:07):
was pregnant, I wish we would have had more conversations
about pleasure. Connie, your hand was raised. Do you have
anything to add on?
Speaker 4 (19:17):
I had a question, even though it's teams sucked them kids,
how would you approach a conversation with let's just say
grade school kids about masturbation and body exploration, because that's
truly what it is.
Speaker 5 (19:33):
Like one day they just rubbed up against that teddy
bear and they're like, oh.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
Bitch and felt and felt the heat. I think there's
two conversations that should actually be had. I would say
middle school. So middle school is the time that I
ain't even gonna hold you. It was the nastiest in
middle school. Behind the gym fingering, the boys now just
pulling out their dicks playing pockets. I don't know if
(19:58):
y'all know the game pockets, where you literally put your
hand in a nigga's sweatpants just to feel his dick.
Like middle school was insane. They also liked looking titties
back then. So for me, the conversation starts in middle school,
especially because even if you're a sixth grader, right, that
was another part that didn't get added in this book. Either.
(20:21):
I was in love with this nigga named Paris, and
that's who took my virginity. Bitch. He came over and
I braided his hair while my mom was gone, okay, bitch,
and that's how I lost my like, So that whole
story also, I believe got taken out, but I pretty
much narrated how I explored sexually. And for me, middle
(20:46):
school was where it was the most like horny, honestly,
because maybe everyone's not getting their periods, your breasts are hurting,
your breasts are growing, you're getting hips, you're getting thighs,
the boys are figuring it out. For me, the conversation
looks like a normalizing the fact that you are going
(21:07):
to feel desire, be horny, like you may want to
watch certain videos, or psychologically you're gonna be interested in
things that we know we've told you. You're not supposed
to be right because you shouldn't be thinking about sex
that young. However, I would a normalize the feelings that
just scientifically come about from it. And then I would
(21:30):
urge the conversation for someone raising a daughter to talk
about boundaries and consent. Luckily, liquor isn't really introduced yet there.
So I think if you have a strong grasp on
consent and telling a boy no and them not feeling
pressured by a boy because they're gonna feel pressured by them,
(21:53):
middle school, to me, is probably the best time frame
to prepare them for high scho because let's be very clear,
by high school, the parents are out of town, they're drinking,
they're sneaking drinks, they're going to clubs with fake id's.
It just is what it is. And so middle school
for me was where I wish I wasn't being told
(22:14):
I was fast by my coaches. I wish they were
having actual conversations with me, and they weren't. And so
to me, that's those are the two conversations I would
have around consent boundaries and then around normalizing the feeling
of being aroused and turned on. And I just don't
think that happens, because still I think parents just want
(22:36):
to be like, don't touch a boy, don't fuck, don't
do I ah ah. And then It's also the disconnect
of parents remembering what they were doing at that age,
thinking that telling them this is the way to parent.
I think that children have way more access to way
more than we did, so I know they're hornier than
I was. Kids gotta be hornier now than ever. Bro,
(22:57):
you go on Twitter, you go on TikTok, dicks, it's pussies,
it's people in polyamorous relationships. So I can only imagine
these little middle school boys thinking they can have two girlfriends,
like the conversations need to be had. Literally, I would
say eleven to fourteen, which is like six to eighth grade.
Speaker 5 (23:18):
That's the I worked out of junior high for a
very long time and some of my and I primarily
work with sixth graders, and a lot of those kids
still have the mentality of well, especially for like my girls,
it would be like, well, this boy's being mean to me,
so therefore that must mean he likes me, because that's
what everybody, all of my peers are telling me.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Right yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5 (23:43):
So It's like but then you grow up and you think, well,
this person's being mean to me, they must really love me.
It has a pattern, and I think the fact that
there isn't a conversation, or you're dealing with cross generations
where especially depending on like what city or where state
you're in. Of course I was in California, so it's
like you have a big population of Catholic kids coming
(24:06):
in where their parents are not talking about sex, they're
not talking about sexual health. This little girl thought she
was dying when she got her period in fifth grade.
She had no idea what was going on in her body.
So having these conversations I think at a certain point
in elementary school is important because for some kids, especially
the more we move on, like a lot of their
(24:28):
hormones they're starting to kick in early. So as long
as they know these are the things you can expect
in the next couple of years, I think that almost
like crimes them said, have a bigger conversation when they're
in junior high around consent, body, of the autonomy, safety
more than anything.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
I agree. I also want to read Jat's comment in
the chat. It's very strange that we go from being
fast quote unquote to when are you going to give
me grandkids? And never the in between, which I think
is very prevalent specifically within our community. Right like it's like,
(25:07):
all right, hold out to marriage, but then you get
to your twenties, it's like, nope, where the kids at
want them? Like whoahoa, whoa that like Hilaire Helaire. So yeah,
I do want to end this chapter by saying, once
I really got to a place of self pleasure and
(25:31):
knowing how to like make myself go to sleep at night,
essentially without the melatonin, it really became to where, I
don't want to call it postnut clarity, but being able
to please myself allowed me to take a step back
from needing to be penetrated or needing to be a
(25:53):
vessel for a man to come pleased, because at one
point I thought that that was pleasure. So I talk
about it a lot. I talk about it at the
end of the chapter. There's so many ways that you
can find self pleasure, and now I mean honestly as adults.
It could be just sleeping in and not setting alarm.
(26:13):
It could be just wearing something sexy. It could be
the way you feel on your breast when they're tender,
because boy minds be tender around the week beforehand. There's
so many other ways to just find ways to not
feel the need to be with someone else that I
just wish that was something that I experienced at a
(26:34):
younger age. So that's why I wanted to include and
start the book off this way because it's definitely something
that I learned. I do. Before we get into the
next chapter, kW says, I think the kids coming up
now will be more informed than we were because we
are the ones teaching them. Those that were teaching us
were taught to feel shame around sex and their vaginas
(26:56):
as a whole. Yeah, but they still are alive, Like bitch,
we here, but we still have our parents and everyone
raised in that era with podcast mics. We still have
them writing books, we still have them teaching our kids,
we still have them running our offices. And so I
(27:20):
do still think that there's a lot to be said.
You guys, weren't a part of it, for anyone, not
a part of the pregame. I share it like, we're
still fighting not only as women, not only as black women.
But the last thing people want is for sexually liberated
women to have a voice, and I hate that. But
(27:42):
here we are all right. The next chapter comes from
a story I shared on the pod, and I just
want to give y'all some back tee to how the
story shifted. So the next chapter we're getting into is
did you know you could find unicorns in Mexico? Now,
(28:05):
this whole chapter was written, and I was so excited.
I was like, ooh, yeah, broke up with my nigga,
ended up in Mexico, hollowed that a couple and it
was great, right, And so the chapter initially was about
being alone dealing with the heartbreak of that X. I
(28:28):
think that was breakup number seven or so, I don't
even remember. And the crazy part is the editor tried
to make this chapter around safety because she was like,
what do you mean you stayed with a couple in
a foreign country, Like you weren't scared they were going
to chop you into little pieces? You weren't scared they
(28:49):
weren't going to kidnap you, Like, how do you know
if a couple was safe or not? And the whole
time I'm reading the notes, it's like, damn, bitch, say
lifetime ho. Everybody gonna chop you up in a little bit,
mind you single heterosexual men will chop you up into pieces.
So this idea that a couple made her mind, so like,
(29:14):
whoa you left with a man and a woman. And
so me and Tempest had to talk about what this
chapter actually entailed. She questioned me, if I spoke to
the couple after and all these things, and mind you again,
I was over not embellishing, but over describing what that
(29:38):
trip was for me, And so me swimming with the
well sharks was kind of where we went back to
because the well sharks was something I always wanted to do,
but my friends as niggas, and so they was like, bitch, hey,
(30:00):
nobody gets I would show them pictures, they like, bitch,
why do you want to be in the water with that?
No one wants to do that. So literally, it's something
that I wanted to do when I went to South Africa.
And so when I sat with Tempest about this chapter specifically,
I sat and was like, you know what, if I
was even with my best friend, if I was with
(30:22):
a not so close friend, if I wanted to stay
on the island with that couple, they would have convinced
me not to. And so the chapter became how much
sometimes our partners are determined by what we think everyone
around us will think. So sometimes it's your parents, sometimes
(30:46):
it's your friends, like I don't know how many of
y'all even still go back to dealing with an ex
you know you actually can't tell nobody about because they
gonna be like, now, bitch, why would you do something
so stupid? And sometimes you just don't want to hear
that because we're human and I want to be stupid,
so so literally, mind you. In the process of writing
(31:10):
this book, though I was dogging him on the podcast,
I was very much between emails and still grieving and
thinking about my ex. So when we first started the book,
my ex was a part of like so many of these,
and I was like, then we break up, and I
(31:33):
had to change the narrative and I go from hating
him to trying to figure out how to remember the
things that I loved that I learned from. And in
this chapter specifically, I'm like, damn, I was only on
this island because we broke up. I had this experience
because of him, and it was just really difficult processing
(31:54):
that while writing this. But this chapter specifically, I talk
about shooting my shot, and I think I've been saying that.
I don't know how early in the Horrible Decisions Days,
but I'm gonna teach y'all, I'm bringing this to the tour.
This is one of the things I want to bring
to the tour. I don't know why. If you go
(32:18):
back to the last chapter we just discussed, I say
we should teach girls consent. We should teach boys consent.
Someone in Atlanta's getting locked up. Sorry, But also we
should learn how to create boundaries and say no, right,
and so in terms of shooting your shot, if you're
(32:40):
teaching someone how to say no, there has to be
the same level of attention put to allowing us to
accept rejection and baby, I don't even want to tell
y'all all the people out of shot my shot at
and being curved by But it's been a lot. It's
been a lot, like I felt a way time. I
don't even think I ever told this on the podcast.
(33:02):
I remember I was at It was at the Migos.
Migos was opening for Drake. I'm in Atlanta, and maybe
I was feeling really gay, y'all. I shot my shot
at younger May, and I feel embarrassed to say I
was curved by young and May. But I was curved
(33:24):
by young and May and I treated her probably because
she want to be a nigga, and of course I
offered to buy her a drink at the goddamn stadium,
but it was like a okay, bitch, you don't want
to drink, I guess I ain't gonna talk to you.
And it was just that simple, and I went about
and enjoyed the concert for the rest of the time.
And I think for a lot of the times when
(33:47):
we fear approaching somebody, it's because, oh my god, what
if they don't like me?
Speaker 3 (33:55):
Bitch?
Speaker 1 (33:56):
How many people do you not like? I think that's like, like, mentally,
we have to be in a space where we enjoyed
the nose right, we enjoy or or not even we
enjoy hating people, but we sit and realize, huh, I
don't really like that person. I don't like I don't
really like his uh I don't like his shoes. I
(34:17):
don't like how he chew his food. Bitch, I might
not like how you chew your food. So in shooting
your shot, it's all about just accepting that maybe you're
not for that person, and it's okay. I actually experienced
that so much, and I think it's probably why I'm
so confident now. Bitch. I used to be the big friend.
(34:38):
I was the big friend, and so there was a
lot of times where I wasn't talked to in a group,
and I think internally I had to be like, oh,
he just likes kinny bitches. That's fine. His loss, because
I knew I still had niggas on my line. And
so I think a part of even a huge part
of my confidence in being able to shoot my shot,
(35:02):
because y'all hear in the book I acknowledge my lack
of confidence in a lot of spaces. I think what
allowed me to build my confidence to accept rejection was
realizing that not every everybody is for me, and I'm
not for everybody, and that is life. And it's oh, okay,
(35:23):
how many movies you watch and it ain't for you.
How many movies you see the trailer for and you're like, bitch,
that looks whack. Think of people as trailers and movies.
That's what you are. You're a trailer of a movie.
And maybe you're just not the genre that a man
like or a woman like, and let that be okay.
(35:44):
So this chapter for me was leaning into, hopefully for
the readers, thinking of all the partners they could have had,
should have had, all the vacations they went on where
they wanted to say something to someone they thought it
was cute sitting on the train looking across and seeing
(36:04):
someone attractive and not hitting on them all because of
the fear of rejection. And so that chapter for me
really looked at and really cemented like creating the life
I want to live and whether that's in the bedroom
or out the bedroom, that's kind of how that chapter
(36:28):
ended up shaping up. And so if there's any questions
about do you know you could find unicorns in Mexico?
Ask now. I am going to leave some time to
ask questions at the very end too. But y'all know,
y'all helped pick the title for the next chapter in
(36:50):
the book, and that's the chapter that people just still
decide to ask me about and want to talk about.
But every time I'm go on a podcast and I'm like, y'all,
calm down, it's just a boodole. So is there any
stories of anything? By the way, Haley in the comment says,
(37:13):
not a question. But reading this with my husband has
opened us up so many convos. There we go love
that you said that Brittany has her hand raised Before
I get to Brittany Essence Festival. I'm talking to Candy
about this specific chapter. Now we know Candy has taken
a dungeon on tour, Candy has sex toys, Candy brought
(37:37):
Bolo to the screen. Okay, I'm sitting here telling her
about this specific chapter in the book, because of course
she asked what it's about, and her jaw is to
the floor. And so I'm explaining to her my time
in Mexico and what happened and how I walked up
with the tequila shots and how I stayed with them
(37:59):
for the weekend and how it's so great. And I
was like, oh, not me, feeling a little judge Candy,
Oh wait, how is your jaw to the floor. And
it was so interesting because I shared this perspective from
a girl that literally kind of shot her shot at
a couple, and so her hearing me tell it, I
(38:23):
didn't realize I was talking to the other person. So
she was like, as you're telling me you did this.
I'm trying to think of how me and Todd would respond,
like what if that happen to us on a vacation,
how do we like make them feel safe enough to where,
you know, like and she was like, oh damn, I like,
(38:43):
I don't think we ever got hit on like that.
So it was interesting to hear her kind of like
try to figure out in real time, like oh bitch,
we would be the couple. And so it was really
really dope talking to someone who's in a in a
marriage who I find to be this sexually liberated woman
(39:03):
who was like, ooh oh shit. But how Brittany, do
you have a question?
Speaker 3 (39:12):
Yeah, I was gonna ask, would you ever revisit possibly
becoming a unicorn for a couple?
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Gangscuse?
Speaker 3 (39:17):
I know it the black guy and the Asian lady
kind of didn't end well?
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Would you ever?
Speaker 3 (39:23):
Because in the chapter the way you wrote it, you
can tell like you really enjoyed yourself like that dynamic
really like did some day for you?
Speaker 1 (39:32):
So that's my question, do you know what's crazy and
actually dating a couple last year and getting into the
actual conversations about meeting family and friends and titles y'all.
I don't know if y'all remember if you're listening, she
didn't want me to have the girlfriend's title. She just wanted,
you know, something else, And so for me, I think
(39:54):
why this experience also was so great was because it
just left all of the actual parts of a relationship
out of it. We literally just got to enjoy each other.
We didn't talk about who paying rent, who's splitting bills,
who's like who, what's the hierarchy of this, what dynamic
of Polly, what are the boundaries of other people? And
(40:18):
it was just like a beautiful experience with other people.
And so I think what I realized is I don't
mind joining a couple sexually, but I think it goes
back to how I feel about dealing with women sexually.
I think it's a good moment. I would love to
be flown out to Fiji and fuck any millionaire in
(40:40):
his wife. Sure, let's do it, or any or any wife,
any millionaire and her husband, because there's millionaire women out
there with men that ain't got the money they got. Like,
I'm down to enjoy two people that are dope to
be around, that are sexy, that have the chemistry with me.
(41:03):
But I think navigating the psychological and emotional obstacles of
human beings and having experienced that last year, more power
to the people able to do that I didn't have.
It was a lot for me. So Brittany to answer
your question, I would do it in the same way
(41:23):
as in the book. Again, I would love to be
with a couple for an all expense paid trip on
an island somewhere, But I don't think that I would
want to actually be a long standing unicorn. So yeah, okay,
we got twenty minutes left. The last chapter in Pleasure
(41:49):
comes from a saying that was said when our good
friend Vinnie joined us on the pod, and it's can
I put it back there? I don't know if y'all
remember that episode, but that was my very elementary way
of asking if I could put a finger, a tongue,
or a strap in a man's ass. They asked, how
(42:12):
do you get there? And it's just say, can I
put it back there? And so this chapter for me
was important to do in a chronological sense. I thought
it was important to share and dig more into my
Caribbean background because of the homophobic roots of the Caribbean.
(42:33):
I also thought it to be very important to share
my early on days being in Atlanta because moving to
Atlanta was the very first time that a man even
asked to put it in my butt, and I was confused, bitch, Oh,
there's a whole another whole airphone. What you want to
put it on my ass, foll And so starting the
(42:55):
chapter off with that, and again I don't know if
you guys picked up on it. It was very big
for me to include elements of pop culture a little
bit throughout all of my chapters. So I brought up
Bouju Banten's Boom Bye Bye Bye Tea Boy and Da
and how I used to literally fucking wind my little
hips to that goddamn song, and it's talking about killing
(43:16):
gay men. And so for me, having grown up with
a cousin who had to leave Jamaica and come back
to the States and having to also not have the
freedom of seeing anyone lived their lives gay and free,
I didn't put it in there. But outside of my
(43:38):
gay cousin, my mom had one gay friend and he
died very early on of AIDS. So that was literally
all I knew of of lgbt Q. I A plus
ah ah like I didn't know anyone to really be lesbian.
I didn't know any like outside of my cousin who
(44:00):
was gay. We also never saw or met a partner
ever at b so it just wasn't introduced to my upbringing,
which I know is what led to a lot of
the ignorance I had around anal sex growing up. Also,
because many of us are millennials, who was out here saying, yeah,
(44:23):
put a big old dick in your butt. The butt
was even like tighter than the coachy and we all
even watching fucking loving basketball and all these movies they
said you was gonna bleed when you lost your virginity.
You was popping your cherry. Like nothing about even popping
your cherry made it seem like it wasn't gonna hurt
let alone putting it in yo shooter that shot shit,
(44:46):
like nothing about it made sense. I couldn't make it
make sense with any of my homegirls. None of my
homegirls was like, yeah, girl, put it in an ass.
Do you know in twenty twenty five, we were just
getting comfortable using lube. Do you think a nigga that
would have shamed us for our boot holes being dry?
Like what you want us to do?
Speaker 6 (45:05):
Like?
Speaker 1 (45:07):
So for me, it was really important for this, I know,
Connie you asked earlier, like even conversations, I would hope
teenagers are not having anal sex, because boy, does it
take a man who actually knows what they're doing to
make it feel pleasurable. But for me, even just the
normalization of LOUB I think is important expressing to women too,
(45:30):
that we don't just have one hole. I think it
should be that men have one hole, women have three,
or men have two holes, women have three. The mouth
of a hole then, like anatomically, let's prepare for what
actually happens with all parts of the body. Now, whether
you like it or not, it's something different, but for
(45:51):
women anal sex. For me growing up, it was never
taught that that was something that we should be even enjoying.
And so this chapter I go through with finally having
antal sex, it not being very pleasurable, me trying again.
I dusted myself off and tried again, like Elijah said,
(46:13):
and then it eventually like, okay, this kind of feels good.
And then I lean into what porn does to your brain.
It eventually will make you want to try those things.
And for me, being somehow curious and too gay, porn
allowed me to see men in that way that maybe
(46:38):
other men's semen. I found a man's ass to be beautiful,
like a little chocolate starfish, y'all. I was like that
thing ain't goinda cute, make a wink. And so because
I was also able to visually see men receive pleasure
this way, I wanted to please a man in ways
(46:58):
that probably he is often especially by women, but clearly
there's something enjoyable. And so then that led into me
going into the stories around pegging. It's also crazy because
going back to my first antal orgasm, that story I
did tell on the podcast, and that was with twenty
four to seven. So I think that might be actually
(47:22):
the only story of twenty four to seven in this book,
which is crazy because that nigga took up hell of
real estate on the podcast. I don't even think Lawyer
Bay is in here, fell and Baying in here when
I think of it. This book is really about my
relationship with myself because very few niggas made it in
here that should have made it in here. And I
(47:43):
don't know if y'all noticed that, but it was like,
niggas ainight main characters in my story, y'all. It's kind
of like I had this one time at band camp.
That's how I treated the niggas in this in this book. Honestly,
it really wasn't where they were my main characters, and
(48:05):
that was important to me but also made me realize,
but you really like the ability to have romantic relationships.
I'm dealing with it in therapy. Y'all dealing with it
in therapy. But yeah, I loved that my chapters leaned
more into the journey of my mind and my body
and the things that I learned along the way, because
(48:30):
it wasn't really about any of the relationships I had
with people as much as it was like, damn, bitch,
this happened, and now you have to learn from it,
or now what are you gonna take from this? And
so yeah, I'm just really glad that I was able
to hopefully showcase that Hailey said, this book is half
(48:53):
the link I expected. Y'all have so much more to say.
We need another book. So, Hailey, our deal was for
or I think sixty five to seventy five thousand words.
Our first submission of this book was ninety thousand, so
if you could think about that, we definitely cut about
(49:14):
fifteen to twenty thousand words from the book. So where
earlier I talked about describing my relationship with my first friend,
and again I had a lot more details and stories
that I included the guy Paris that I lost my
virginity to after I braided his hair while my mom
(49:36):
was at work. Like, there was just so many deeper
details that I included that essentially just got cut out.
And Connie wrote, having written a twenty thousand word essay,
that's a lot. Yeah, that's probably like another I mean,
(49:56):
our book. I would say that's probably another fifty plus
pages or so. So it was a lot cut out.
And so imagine how difficult it was as people sharing
their stories to make it fully drawn out, also wanting
to share because because the book does not have our faces,
(50:22):
because we wanted this to be something that could resonate.
The editor was very very I don't want to say strict,
but because I think it led to being a great book,
but was very adamant that we had to be speaking
to the reader. So when you see the moments where
we break from our story and say, if you're thinking
(50:44):
what you should do, or here's what you can do.
A part of this becoming a self help book was
to also include a guide. So between cutting parts of
our story out, we also had to pretty much speak
to you guys, as readers or listeners of the book
because maybe not everyone gives a fuck about a Mandy
or a Weezy story because who are you bitches? Right,
(51:05):
So we also had to find ways to tie in
the reader who may not know us and give them
power and tips and guides to do the things where
y'all may be like, bitches Vanilla that you fucked a
couple in Mexico. A lot of people would think otherwise,
me betting a man over, so me saying blue Blue
Blue would be like, oh, that's the first step. Like
(51:28):
there's still so many of us, And especially because I
still wanted this to be a book for Black women specifically,
what I've learned more than anything over the last seven
to eight months black women conservative is fuck y'all some
freaks right. Our whore hive is some freak as holes.
Y'all have made it out, y'all have got free. But
(51:49):
a lot of black women are really, really, really conservative,
and so we had to be able to be open
to speaking to them as well. So, yeah, Lee, ask
any chance that you all could share some of those
longer adaptations of the chapters. You know what, we have them,
(52:10):
So let me see if that is something that tempests
and Weezy would be willing to do, and maybe dropping
them in like a word doc on the Patreon is
something we could do. But yeah, i'd have to sift
through it because y'all gonna see some of my not
so great writing in the beginning too. But here we go.
(52:33):
We got about five minutes left before Weezy does her
book club. But I do want to allow the floor
for any questions from the pleasure chapter sections. Specifically, next
week we're diving into pain, so trigger warning for next
week it's abortion, it's sexual assault. It was a lot,
(52:56):
so next week, if you want to join on, it
definitely will be a deeper conversation and hopefully I'm able
to get you guys to share some more of your
your background and stories. But I'm gonna leave leave it open.
Lee also said that's so interesting. I never knew was
based on a word count. Oh yeah, baby, pages cost money.
(53:21):
They were like, but we paid you for this many pages.
You can't just get an extra fifty on us. So yeah,
if no one has any questions, oh there go, Tati,
you always do this. You wait too, I'll be like, so,
ain't nobody gonna ask nothing? I don't know why. I
gotta pull stuff out of y'all. I know, I just
try to make sure like everyone gets a chance. I
(53:42):
don't want to anyways. First and foremost, love nickname a
man of the Panda super cute. And then because of
what we have talked about before, your Atlanta roommate, how
much more older was she than you? And was she
the one that you had your first oral experience with?
Speaker 6 (54:02):
No?
Speaker 1 (54:03):
Okay, so my first oral experience with a woman that
was inappropriate now that I think about it. She was
like twenty two twenty three. I was sixteen. I had
a fake ID. We went to the club, but I
stayed at her house that night, and my first it
wasn't good. I remember not being good, which might be
(54:24):
why I hated head for so long. But she was
like twenty three, but of course had a car, had
her own place, like you know, And yeah, that was
my first experience. Did she know I was sixteen? She did,
but I had a fake ID and I looked grown,
and yeah, I don't know. I it's weird because that's
(54:46):
one of those where to this day, I still don't
feel like I was taking advantage of but maybe because
I felt grown, So I don't know, honestly, that one
I've never sat with, It's possible. And then my first
roommate that I lived with in Atlanta, I was eighteen,
(55:07):
she was probably twenty two, twenty one, twenty two, so
she wasn't much older than me, but she was outside
like she was she was a runner, she did drug
like she ran drugs for drug dealers, it was. And
she was just way more advanced than I was. And
so yeah, that my first roommate being to wear I
(55:28):
could watch her have sex or she would come in
and be like, do you want to join us, and
me just being like sure, okay, I think that that definitely,
like you know, opened that lifestyle up very quickly. Yeah, yeah,
(55:50):
but yeah, nonetheless, I'm about to get up off of here.
I hope you guys truly enjoyed the book club. I
love that you came with questions. And next week again
we will be talking about pain. So read those chapters
if you haven't yet, and I'm looking forward to seeing
(56:10):
you guys. Selective Ignorance a production of the Black Eppect
podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 6 (56:23):
Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.
Selective Ignorance it's executive produced to Buy Mandy B. And
it's a Full Court Media studio production with lead producers
Jason Mondriguez. That's me and Aaron A.
Speaker 1 (56:35):
King Howard.
Speaker 6 (56:36):
Now do us a favor and rate, Subscribe, comment and
share wherever you get your favorite podcasts, and be sure
to follow Selective Ignorance on Instagram at Selective Underscore Ignorance.
And of course, if you're not following our hosts Mandy B,
make sure you're following her at Full Court Pumps.
Speaker 3 (56:52):
Now.
Speaker 6 (56:52):
If you want the full video experience of Selective Ignorance,
make sure you subscribe to the Patreon. It's patreon dot
com backslash Selective of Ignorance m
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