August 8, 2025 • 65 mins
In this special bonus episode of Selective Ignorance, Mandii B leads a heartfelt conversation on the many ways people discover, protect, and reclaim their personal power. 00:00 The episode opens with reflections on what power means and how it shapes growth. 02:54 The discussion moves into the journey of finding personal power, before exploring 05:45 the role financial independence plays in building confidence and autonomy. 08:41 Mandii and her guests unpack self-love and body confidence, while 12:04 dives into navigating relationship expectations in a modern dating landscape.
14:53 They discuss the importance of honesty in dating, followed by 17:43 powerful personal stories of overcoming abuse. 20:33 The group reflects on how past relationships can leave lasting marks, leading into 23:57 an examination of emotional and psychological abuse. 26:39 The conversation shifts to empowerment through self-discovery, and 29:40emphasizes the importance of creating your own narrative.
From there, 32:22 they address the nonlinear nature of healing, 35:33 the role of community and support in that process, and 38:26 how embracing change can be a catalyst for growth. 41:23 The group highlights the power of self-reflection, before 44:41 redefining success and happiness on one’s own terms. Finally, 47:17 the episode closes with future aspirations and reminders that the journey to empowerment is deeply personal, yet universally resonant.
“No Holes Barred: A Dual Manifesto Of Sexual Exploration And Power” w/ Tempest X!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode of selective Ignorance with Mandy B.
That is me and y'all. We are here for our
final gathering of the No Holds Barred book Club, and
I want to give you all a round of applause
for joining me for the last month every Wednesday. Y'all,
(00:22):
we survived the book, our group chats, and the occasional
heated that's not with the automatic debates, without a single fight,
And I love this for us. Growth, my friends, that's
called growth. Now, this episode is all about power, and listen,
I'm not talking about world domination, a villain cape or
ominous theme music. I am talking about your power, the
(00:45):
kind that comes from somewhere deep in your gut, your soul,
or my case, that one moment when you realize you're
too old to waste time on nonsense. Now listen. Some
of us found our power after trauma, that moment when
life not does flat and we realize, oh nah, I'm
not staying down here on this floor anymore. Some found
(01:06):
it walking away from an abusive relationship where every step
toward the door felt like a mile, and some of
us found it in a quiet way, like finally realizing
your self worth or deciding, you know what, my happiness
is not up for debate. Here's the thing, though, power
isn't one size fits all. It's not a magic potion.
My version might look different than yours. My version might
(01:29):
actually look like choosing peace over proven a point, while
yours might look like building an empire. Some one else's
might look like wearing sequence to the grocery store just
because it feels right. But every single one of us
has a different map, a different compass, and a different destination.
And that is the beauty of it. Power doesn't always roar.
Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it belly laughs, sometimes it just
(01:50):
quietly refuses to settle for less. So this episode we
close this chapter literally and figuratively in the book by
sharing not just how we found our power, but how
we're protecting it, feeding it, and maybe even letting it
evolve a little bit. Because the truth is, this journey
never really ends. I said it this whole time. Although
(02:11):
each chapter ended with a period, every chapter in this
book is still ongoing. But enough for me, I am
very pleased to share my last book club session, where
so many of the women shared how they obtained their power.
Enjoy It is the last installment of the No Hols
(02:37):
Barred Book Club with men dB going a by my
sections and why I have an accent is because, bitch,
I don't know, but you know, like bitch, I'm a
New York Times bestseller author, so I feel like I
gotta have accents to, you know, be able to talk
(02:59):
to the people. We have our European leg of our tour. Nonetheless,
welcome back. We're going over the last portion of the book,
which leaned into Power. Now for Power, this portion was
a shared power. I actually, oh, I'm gonna see if
I can pull it up backstory BTS. For this portion
(03:24):
of the book, we actually first were going to do
a letter to ourselves, that is what the power portion
of the book was going to be. However, they both
read so differently that we were like, eh, maybe there's
a way we can make this come together more cohesively,
(03:48):
and we pretty much somehow ended up where we talked
about just the different elements of what how we viewed
ourselves as power full. For me, it was just a
really good way to round out the book because I
think it left any of the readers being able to
figure out if they were in a moment of power,
(04:09):
have achieved feeling powerful or were in the right direction
of becoming liberated and powerful in their own right. Da
in the comments asks differently, how I wrote mine, like
really therapeutically, if that's even a word. I wrote mine
(04:33):
like as the waves crash, and you know, I was like,
I was really getting into my bag, Like, okay, if
I could write a letter to myself, let me make
this shit sound real, you know. Lit we The's letter
was like every curse word that we've ever made up.
(04:55):
It was talking to herself. She chose to talk to
herself as the past, present, and future, and so she
spoke to what she would say to her younger self,
what she would say to herself today, and then what
she would tell herself in the future, but in a
(05:17):
very like this is how Weezy talks type of way.
My letter was just, like I said, a lot more theatrical, bitch,
because it's a book I'm gonna author, And so they
just didn't really mesh and I was very adamant. Y'all know,
compromise is a word We've been both trying to figure
out what the fucking mean. This was not a chapter
(05:39):
we really knew how to compromise in terms of both
sharing our individual letters to ourselves. So Tempest kind of
asked us to write down what power meant to us.
She asked us like these four questions and then she
had each of us answer them, and from there we
kind of combined it as a whole thing, and so
(06:01):
that's where we got our power portion. I did want
to share too before y'all pull says whole share y'all stories.
For me, probably the entry way for me feeling the
most powerful to me in dating and as a woman
came with financial freedom. I'm not going to hold you
(06:24):
from growing up in a single parent household, to my
father holding money and child support over our heads and
to see my mom kind of get into these real
toxic relationships where she still had to kind of work
multiple jobs to sustain everything. For me, I think I
found the most the most power as a woman with
(06:50):
being able to like pay my own shit, which is
crazy because in the book I and if you guys
have ever heard me interview Neo, I tell Neo it's
his fault. Why the fuck we all thought we had
to be independent women? Like And then if I ever
get the chance to me Beyonce to her face, she
(07:12):
did the same shit. She was I here, Oh on
my women, wind, what are we talking about? She literally says,
always fifty to fifty relationships? What are we doing? Why
we don't want to be fifty to fifty ir related like?
And so this happened around the time I was becoming
a woman, and I have nothing to say to Busy
(07:34):
He another one, but I literally have nothing to say
to that man because yeah, no. But I reference all
of them in the book because at a pivotal moment
in me growing up, the music was leaning into women
being these strong, powerful beings, as independent women, and I
(07:57):
would say over the last ten to fifteen years has
been confusion between independence and masculinity, and I hate that
there's like confusion between the two. However, for me, not
having to lean into a transactional relationship and being able to,
(08:18):
you know, pay my own bills has allowed me to,
I believe, have way more honest relationships with men because
I'm not leaning into those relationships expecting to be taken
care of. And so y'all probably have kind of picked
up on notes of that in the book as well.
But I would say that's where I truly found my
(08:41):
power outside of actually in real life, not fake life,
being confident in my body, confident in my skin, bitch.
At one point, I ain't even like my big old
silk dollar ariolas. I like them things now, But there
(09:03):
was a moment where there was just so much about
my body that I didn't like that I kind of
needed again the validation and compliments in all of the
wrong places. And so for me, those are the two
places that I found my power over the last couple
of years. I'm thirty four, about to be thirty five,
(09:25):
and boying my holding on to that thirty four because
I could still say, you know, low thirties. I'm in
my young thirties, bitch. Once you hit thirty five, it's mid.
It's mid, it's mid and you know. But I would say,
it's been really the journey of loving myself from the
inside out, from the outside in, and truly getting a
(09:48):
grasp on my own financial security that's allowed me to
feel sexually liberated. Now, before I get y'all to sharing
your stories, I told some of the people that were
on the book club a little earlier. You guys are
following me on this journey, right, and so I just
(10:10):
want to throw out the disclaimer that y'all will hear
an episode in a couple weeks. That will sound like
I'm reverting, that will sound like I'm backtracking. However I'm not.
I feel so powerful. So basically I bought a bottle
in a cabana at the pool and invited mad niggas
(10:33):
I was talking to. And I didn't think they were
all gonna show up, but two of them showed up
at the same time.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
And.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Boy, that was a new step of power. There's power
in being able to exist as a fuck nigga. Like
I know, we don't like fuck niggas. We don't. However,
when you have the opportunity to exist as one, I understand.
It was just like it felt great because both of
(11:03):
them behaved. I went between both the May show, they
both had their drinks or to their food, like what
you want, baby, you good? Okay, rub their shoulders, you
know what I mean? Like it was cute, and it
just felt so powerful to be able to just like
exist and exists in a way where I didn't care
(11:25):
what they thought of me sexually, how they thought of me,
whether I was wife material, mom material. And in the
book I leaned heavily into that too, where when we
think of patriarchy, it's forcing women to exist in only
the roles that men want us to be in. And
so it was liberating as fun to be like, well,
(11:50):
both y'all here. As long as they behaved, we were
good and they were great. They both behaved. Ain't nobody
saying nothing. It was cute And that's what the fuck
I'm talking about now. Naomi raised her hand and she's laughing. So, bitch,
if you're gonna be disrespectful, I'm a comfort your ass.
But go ahead, Naomi, not at all. I don't know
(12:13):
why you said.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
That's not fuck NIGGI because they know what's up, and
that's why they behaved.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
And you know, money, no, no, why you don't think they knew? No,
no, no no, Because here's the thing about being honest. I
don't think omission is honesty. I also don't think either
of them knew to ask me, hey, is any other
guy you're talking to gonna be there? But it was
also something I didn't share.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Because they probably don't care. That's one thing about bet
they don't really care. That's just like one thing about
being with a fu nig. You don't really care. You
want to fuck him, you don't care what the conditions are.
Anytime I've been in that situation.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
I don't care that. I think women don't hire two.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
Girl at the table with the other girl acting like
a friend with my.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
Uh what they call it spending night bag.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
In the car because I thought I was going home
with him that night, but oh it.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Was her, it's her, so so can I tell you
that that's where it felt powerful for me. I know
I had been that girl before, and I was only
that girl because the guy that I was with had
me throwed and he had money, and so for me
being able to be on the reverse right, And I
(13:28):
think that's why once both of them showed up, I said, well,
I think a bitch gotta buy a bottle. Now, let
me go ahead and buy his bottle. I said, yeah,
bring out, I said, bring out the sparklers. Okay, they
brought out a car. I said, I said, make it loud,
make it loud. But yeah, you're right, I think, And
I'm not sure if many women have admitted to that
(13:48):
where they've been invited out to a club or a
party or you know, a get together knowing that they
would possibly be in the same space and as one
of the other women that this guy talks to. Yes,
most times than not, we do it, we know it,
and that we were quote unquote well behaved.
Speaker 4 (14:11):
Yeah, because I know I don't have no claim.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
You don't really have no claim.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
You don't have a ring on your finger, that's not
your man and so and he never promised you. Now,
it's one thing if somebody, oh, yeah, you're the only
one I ain't talking to nobody else and all of that,
But if he's somebody who just met girl, you know
he's lying. But for me, for that situation, it was like,
I know he's a hope this is happening.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
But like all got calmed down. I'm sitting here saying
I'm a powerful boss, not that I'm a hoe. No,
I mean I'm not that guy. Okay, yeah, I mean
not to that guy's all right, Yeah, you're now you're
woa whoa just aren't good either? All right time you Naomi,
thank you so much for your for your insights. But yeah,
(14:57):
I think I think for me it's been really good
to be able to show up and be honest. I
guess I'm working on showing up and being honest in
a healthy, respectful way. Only because I do want to
speak to someone in the Patreon community over on decisions decisions.
(15:18):
I wonder if I could find hold On. Let me
see if I could find the name, because I do
want to Yes, GGC, I want you to know you
are very wrong in your comment that says Mandy loves
wasting a man's time. Boy, now listen, I tell this
(15:40):
to women. I'm gonna tell it to everyone listening. Only
you can waste your time. I cannot waste anybody else's time.
To me, when you're honest, when you're upfront about your intentions,
what you're looking for, it is up to the other
person to decide if they want to sick around or not.
(16:01):
I think that we like to put a lot of
blame on our partners in certain relationships where we'd be like, man,
he wasted my time. No, Sis, you have a part
in that. And for me, I think when we show
up in this element of dating or having sex or
building any type of romantic or intimate bonds with somebody,
(16:23):
when you're open about expectations, when you're open about your
short term and long term goals, then the only person
who you can blame for wasting your time is yourself
if that person doesn't align with you. And I think
that we put the onus far too often on other
people as to wasting your time, when in reality, a
(16:46):
lot of us have the power literally to walk away
if it doesn't suit us. Sue you have your hand raised.
I do, I literally just so.
Speaker 5 (16:58):
I'm probably the younger demographic of all of y'all. So
dating is something that I'm still learning to navigate. And
I'm a very big Peopil's Lisa, And on the topic
of like wasting time and all that stuff.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Just recently cut off a guy is that it wasn't.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
Taking me on dates or enough dates, wasn't showing me
off enough. We hadny for like four plus months, so
I was like, it's time, it's time to go outside.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
So can I ask you then, what is dating? If
he wasn't taking you on dates? Okay?
Speaker 5 (17:33):
So yes, that, but we were like we would do
cute little things like he had cooked inner for me,
We would watch movies, like he would set up like
there was a date that we did at his balcony
where he would like he laid out like a little
blanket and he had popcorn, and we watched a movie.
I consider that a date because we first met.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So did this man have money at all to take
the okay, see, but he picnic on the balcony, yes,
because I told him. I told him it would be
cute because the sun the stars were gonna be nice.
Speaker 5 (18:06):
But we had gone on dates before. Okay, we had
gone on dates before. It's just when you it got
to that. It got to that part where let's just
stay at home, let's just stay at home, let's wacially movie,
let's have sex, and let's just talk and let's just
stay inside. That's where it got to and I was like, hey,
I appreciate this time with you. I would appreciate you
(18:26):
taking me out every once in a while. And then
he was like, yeah, yeah, of course I understand that.
A week went by, two weeks went by, nothing, and
I was like, hey, are you gonna are you gonna
do this? And he's like, you know, I just I
don't think this is something that I wanted to do.
And I was like, okay, then then we don't see
each other anymore.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
He said he only wanted to see you inside, not outside.
Speaker 5 (18:49):
Yeah, And I was like, and I had met his
friends before, so it's not like it was like a stranger.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
I met this friend. Girl. Meeting the friends don't mean nothing,
say no, no, no, I know the friends don't mean anything.
But I'm just saying like there was no not shame.
Shame was not the right word, but there was no
reason to hide me, if that made sense. But I
can't think, so okay. And then so I was like, okay, well,
if we don't want to take me outside, then we're done.
(19:16):
And then he's like, no, no, what do you mean, like
we don't have to?
Speaker 5 (19:18):
And I was like, I asked you to take me
outside on dates. We can get dressed up, we could
look nice. You don't want to do that.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
That's hard.
Speaker 5 (19:26):
I'm gonna go on days with somebody else. And I
totally by. I was very uncomfortable. I did not want
to say goodbye to this man. I liked him a lot,
but he was not treating me the way that I
wanted to be treated. So I said goodbye to not
waste my time any further.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
So my only okay, So this is what I will say,
and this is something this has learned. Because you want
to sit here and talk about you so much goddamn
younger than no, No at all. That's that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (19:57):
I'm saying I feel like y'all have more life expres
than I do, and y'all are in a position in
which you feel I'm still it's still very difficult for
me to say no to people, and I she.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Like it's not even saying no. Right, this is I'm
gonna read Deandre's response. Connie also wrote her hand, but
I want to say my overall thoughts on this in
terms of dating, right what I realize and y'all might
even have heard me. That's pretty much how I was
able to have actor Base show up exactly how I want.
(20:32):
So if you want a certain relationship with a man,
not saying you even want to be with him or
not like, but if you're starting out a relationship, I
will tell you, although it seems like nothing, getting a
relationship to blossom into more when it's already kind of
comfortable is way harder than having a nigga show up
(20:57):
out the gate with all the things and then being
okay with it trailing down. So even if you are
comfortable with a man you know cooking for you and
watching movies and all of these things with you, girl,
make that nigga take you out on mad dates before
you get comfortable in scaling it down to that, because
(21:20):
starting in the house, getting a nigga to take you
outside after he's already gotten comfortable, after he know he
can cook and get pussy without spending money, without taking
you out without thinking. Do you know how hard it
is for men to think? And now you want him
to like curate dates. If all he has to do
is throw something in the oven, find a show on Netflix,
(21:42):
and he getting pussy, why do anything more? And so
in terms of dating, you kind of had to trickle
out the bullshit niggas ain't really willing to do much
for you and then spoil them with those type of
nights later. But yeah, like he gotta put effort in
from the beginning. And if you don't force them to
(22:03):
really show up with effort in the beginning, girl, four
months later, you're doomed asking a nigga down the line, Hey,
now I want you to take me out. They gonna
look at you like you boogoo the fool and mind you.
Tim is over here laughing like the fuck nigga he
used to be. He is agreeing with everything that I
have saying. He's like, yup, bitch, you should have maybe
take you out first. Now, Connie, you has some additions
(22:26):
to this because you were you were mouthing your thoughts
while she was talking as well.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
So I had a friend back in the day. We
all work together, and you know, groups of co workers,
you talk, you chit chat. And he would tell us
that he had, you know, his little roster or whatever
of like Blockbuster girls. And we're like, hold On was
the Blockbuster girl. And he was a little bit older
than this. We were in our twenties and I think
he was in like his early thirties. He's like, Blockbuster
(22:54):
girls are girls that I order pizza with. This is
before Netflix, but you would go, you rent a movie.
He's like, we'll do stuff. We'll go to the park,
we'll ride bikes. You know, I'll cook or she'll cook.
He was like, but I like that because it's low
maintenance and I know I can get sex the girls
(23:15):
that I have to like wine and dine and really
like I made reservations and I put on a nice
shirt and I had to plan ahead of time. He
was like, even if it was like a museum date.
He was like, with the girls that really I put
in an effort for. He was like, it was never
just the museum. Maybe like the museum or art exhibit.
Then we're going to dinner, we're going to a wine bar.
It's an entire experience. He's like, but the Blockbuster Girls
(23:38):
guaranteed sex. All I gotta do is like hang out
with you, and then afterwards it's like, oh, it's eleven o'clock,
so what's you gonna do? Never spend the night nothing.
So a lot of the times, like Mandy said, if
you aren't having that expectation ahead of time that these
are the things that you want to see and enjoy doing,
and then maintaining that because you could be four months
(24:01):
in and at month five there's no more date nights.
There's just oh, we in the house, We in the house.
You have to re iterate, like, hey, I would really
like it if we could go out to like a
jazz show. You have to bring that back up that way.
They know they're like, oh, I can't just like behave
until she gets comfortable and then it's fine, she's gonna
forget about it.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
No, not at all. And Timmy even just said, his
friend just went through this, and her man was doing
it with five women. By the way, her saying that
was her man, that wasn't her man, that was a man.
But pretty much they were open, but he was doing
nothing for everyone. And I think that that's where we
are to be, to be very clear, transparent and honest
(24:45):
about what sexual liberation is done. I think it's confused
some of us being able to share our expectations even
with casual sex. And unfortunately, casual sex quote unquote should
be like a treat, like for a man to be
able to be with a woman who's not asking or
(25:07):
requiring a lot should be like a unicorn. But instead
there's so many women that you know, are confusing not
only being liberated, but casual sex with situationships and all
these other things. Yes, Connie, that is just like, oh no,
what's really happening is you're taking the crumbs, you're taking
(25:29):
the bare minimum from men, and they're reaping the benefits
because you're not really fully expressing what you want out
the gate. And that's the other thing, and I talk
about it in the Unicorn chapter. We as women have
to be okay with a man not being for us
he could be beautiful, he could have a big old dick,
(25:50):
he could have a good paying job, he could like
literally be the man of your dreams. But if he's
not showing up or willing to give you what you
want at the moment that you that you want it,
send that little fishy on back out into the pond
and go find someone else. Because if you are really
adamant and intentional on the things that you want out
(26:12):
of sex, pleasure, relationships, intimacy, as soon as you see
that someone is not willing to meet you where you
want to be met, you gotta be fine with letting
them go because essentially you have to view someone not
willing to show up for you, not willing to take
you on a date, as a form of rejection. You
can't think that just because a nigga want to fuck
(26:34):
you that that's something to be proud of. These niggas
a fuck a chicken sandwich? How many years have I
been saying it? So we have to find a way
to make sure that that person is still respecting us,
it's still able to show up for us, it's still
able to be there for us when they're not inside
(26:54):
of us, And I will leave it there Now, I
guess I did want to let me see. Damn, I
thought I was gonna get a story. Look, I can't multitask.
I want to be able to find my goddamn letter
to myself, but I also want to know. I guess
(27:17):
I want to leave the floor open real quick, because
we are about halfway through. I want to know if
anyone here, and it's not if I'm lying, who here,
because it's gonna be somebody if I got a call
on you like the teacher, who in here has a
story about finding their power, whether it be in the bedroom,
(27:39):
whether it be the power to leave an unhealthy relationship,
whether it be the power to feel confident in themselves
to exist in the realm that they are now. I'm
really interested to know because clearly there was a lot
of un learning I had to do. There's a lot
(28:00):
of forgiveness I'm still currently working through. Dom. I love
that you in the chat. Dom. I'm about to umute
you because now I want to know the story, dom, Dom,
can you unmute yourself?
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Dom in the chat said that they left an abusive
relationship and rebuilt their life at twenty eight. I'm curious
as to what that looks like as a twenty eight
year old m because ironic, you know what I mean? Like, ironically,
I do feel like thirty. You still get hit in
(28:38):
the head with like, oh my god, what was I
doing in my twenties? So what did that look like
for you?
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Yeah, so quick backstory. I was twenty three when I
met this man. He was twenty eight. We listen and
we don't judge, okay. So he had four kids, three
baby mamas, and I thought he was the love of
(29:03):
my life.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Oh on, let me put myself on you. So I
don't get no ad little suthing here, Okay, go ahead, down.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
So, yeah, fell in love, moved in with him when
I was what twenty six, worst mistake of my life.
I was going fifty to fifty. I was helping him
with the kids who lived full time with us.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Wait what happened to the moms? The three moms.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
One of the moms was like a crackhead. So we
had two of the babies with us. So yeah, I
was doing the step mom, helping with the bills. My
dad had just passed away to so he was just
reaping all the benefits. So something in my brain connected
(29:58):
where I was like, this doesn't make sense. Why am
I here being treated like trash?
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Can I ask you, Dom?
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (30:08):
What because we can? I mean, I don't want to
lean into science that some trigger in your brain went off.
So I'd love to know. Was it a friend, a
family member, a television show, a song, an episode of
a podcast, was it a book? What at in your
twenties led you to actually be like this isn't right,
(30:31):
This isn't what I deserve.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
So my dad just passed and instead of him being
a nice person, he just made it harder for me
to deal with that grief. And I was sitting in
our bedroom one day and I said, God forbid my
mom and my siblings pass away or move and I'm
(30:55):
stuck with this man. I am in trouble.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
So he wasn't a support system during a very hard
time for you in grieving. And him not being a
support system there let you know like, oh yeah, this
ain't it?
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah pretty much?
Speaker 1 (31:12):
So so yeah, where did that trigger?
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Like?
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Then what happened?
Speaker 2 (31:17):
I grabbed my shit, put it in my car, and
I went back home and I said, Mom, I'm back.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Yeah, And I rebuilt my life. So I stayed at
my mom's house for like two months. I got a
new apartment in San Diego County.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
OK.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
You know, I started going to the gym. I rebuilt
my friendships, I made new friendships. I'm just now starting today,
like barely barely talking to meth.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
How many years later, Don, it's been six months since
I Oh, wow this Wow? Yeah, congratulations. Yeah, I know
this isn't going to be easy. Well wow, congrats. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
So, I don't know, It's just it was new. It
was scary. I thought that at twenty eight, nobody would
want me anymore because you know, I'm in my late twenties.
I don't know, like I just thought I was so
undeserving of being treated right. And I've rebuilt it, rebuilt
(32:27):
a new life for myself.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Sue has a question, and I think she may have
a question for you. Good. Yeah, yes, I have a question.
Speaker 5 (32:35):
So I hear that for domestic violence victims, and I
don't know if you consider yourself that, but just missed
on the story.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
That's what it's giving. The hardest part is leaving.
Speaker 5 (32:48):
I know that you said that you packed up your
shit and you're left, and you kind of breathe through that.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
If you would mind giving.
Speaker 5 (32:56):
More detail on kind of like what it felt like
to leave, how he reacted when you left, and I
know that there were kids involved, and if you were
close to the kids, and how it felt kind of
leaving them with that type of person, Like, if you
mind expanding on.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
How your mental state was when you were doing all
of that.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Yeah, So when I was leaving and when I grabbed
my shit and left, we were still I was still
under the impression that we were going to get back
together because he was doing that reaching now and like, oh,
like I'm changing, things are going to change. The only
reason why I really left him alone was because one
(33:38):
day I went through his Apple watch, and since the
moment I left the house, he already was in a
new relationship with a whole new girl, bringing her to
the apartment when my stuff was still there, I hadn't
fully moved out, So I think because the because what
he did towards the end was so big, I had
(34:00):
to love myself enough to never go back.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
What things did you do at such a young age,
like to kind of love yourself more? Yeah, yeah, Like,
what were the things that you did to love yourself?
Speaker 2 (34:20):
I went to the gym every day and that's a
big one. Every day I went to the gym. I
still do it. I started reading more books, and I
also reached out to my friends because during this relationship,
I didn't really hang out with anybody, So I had
to reach out to my friends and have that hard
(34:42):
conversation of I was a bad friend. I forgot about
you guys, and I'm sorry, and I'm lucky enough that
they forgave me and we just you know, started all
over again where we left off.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Wow, it's interesting just hearing not only the emotion that
you share, but knowing that I may be that friend.
I think I've talked about it before. I feel like
I've lost a friend due to a relationship and they're
no longer in that relationship, and I'm I don't know
(35:19):
what they experienced daring it, you know, but a part
of me feels like, yeah, bitch, you are a bad friend.
And I don't want to be friends with someone who
would leave me just because they're with a partner. Like
I think, yeah, you know what I mean. And so
it's interesting hearing that because I do think that. That's
why I say, if you're in a relationship where it
(35:41):
feels isolating, that is a red flag that it is unhealthy.
And I think Sue you mentioned that it sounded like
there could have been some domestic violence there. What I
also want to pinpoint is that abuse can lend itself
as being so psychological and emotional that the damage done
(36:04):
there sometimes is way more than a bruise left on
someone's body. And me and me and my good friend,
y'all know Carla has talked about being in a relationship
with a narcissist. I know I've been in a relationship
with one. And what it does to your body, your
nervous system, your self esteem, like is really really something
(36:31):
that we don't talk much about. And Connie, you're right,
domestic violence can be an emotional, can be emotional and psychological.
I think for me, when we talk about it on
any platform really and in the public setting, we normally
assume DV to be physical. The same way when we
(36:52):
think of sexual assault, we think that to be physical,
even though it could be under the harassment umbrella where
it was verbally done to you or you know, there's
just so many other ways that we can experience these violations.
And I think that that's the dope part about not
(37:12):
only this book. But what this platforms provided is the
constant state of knowledge of words of experiences, because that's
how you know you're in something that isn't isn't good
And yes, so you're okay dv as everything violent, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, Yes,
(37:35):
and then shout out to Kay as well. The nervous
system healing is the hardest part. I don't know if
you guys remember when I broke up with my ex
that I also thought was my soulmate, dom you being
six months into this, I thought out of my three
year relationship that I could kind of fuck the pain
away and just get back into being with things. And
(37:59):
it wasn't an until literally I found myself jumping and
crying and not wanting to be touched. That I had
to completely like, that's why, you know, That's why I
did the celibacy last year. It's why I kind of
removed liquor for a little bit. There was so much
in terms of what healing looked like for me that
I had to reconnect literally to myself. My nervous system
(38:23):
was shocked, so Dom the gym is gonna help. But
there's other elements, like in terms of getting back to
a healthy space where I could allow a man to
even touch me again, or be in the same space
like I remember just being around a guy and I
think he just wanted to debate, but the way he
(38:44):
spoke to me triggered me to how my ex would
talk and it just immediately shut me down. And your
nervous system, girl, it'll cause you to have to get
sick more often. If you get cold sores, you'll break
out more often, if your hair not healthy, if you
(39:04):
ain't been taking your boten or your hair will thin,
your skin will break out. And I don't think that
none of this is really spoken about often in terms
of what an unhealthy relationship can do, whether you're in
it or when you leave, But it literally has an
effect on your entire like physical profile and how you
(39:25):
go about your day to day. So dom outside of
the gym, whether it's therapy, the books, all the things
you're taking. Definitely dose up on your vitamins and get
back to really treating like yourself to where you don't
even realize you got PTSD until you get triggered. Yeah,
so you know, good luck on that. Don Thank you
(39:45):
so much for sharing your story, Connie. You have something
to add before we continue.
Speaker 4 (39:51):
Yes, because she's shared about the strength to weak, So
I want to commend you could not is not easy.
It took me, I would say, maybe two years after
I knew that we should have been broken up, and
I finally when I finally did it, we had just
renewed our leaves, but I basically told him, like, we
(40:15):
can't be together, we need to stay apart, and I
got the silent treatment for two weeks and we were
still living together, and then we were able to It
was almost like passing notes, like he would write in
a journal and then I would respond back because it
was the only way he was communicating with me. Thankfully,
(40:35):
I had started therapy like two months prior. This was
last April that I started therapy, and it was in
June that we broke up, and when we finally moved
out in July. The day that we were moving out,
the night before, he had gotten arrested. And it wasn't
until like reading this book, Mandy, that I realized that
(40:58):
the way that that relationship ended is partially the similar
to how my parents' relationship ended. My dad had been
arrested for prostitution and possession, and my ex had been
arrested for solicitation and possession, and I was like, wow,
that's really great history repeated itself. But after we moved out,
(41:23):
like I moved into essentially like a temporary situation, but
sneaking my things out when I knew that we wanted
to break up, was I think easy because I was
able to like cry to myself and cope with the
fact that I was ending this relationship, that I'm literally
hiding shit in a storage unit and so that's time
(41:46):
to leave.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Yeah, I want to ask you, Connie, because I had
a different experience, which is why I felt so blind
in dating as an adult. I felt like I was
seeking to do everything opposite of what I saw my
mom do in terms of dating. But for you to
(42:11):
have a relationship end the same way, did you not
pick up on any red flags or anything from your
childhood that you saw in your present relationship early enough
to catch that? Like, only because I'm curious.
Speaker 4 (42:27):
With my parents. They divorced when I was going into
ninth grade, No, eighth grade, when I was going into
eighth grade, So I was like thirteen or fourteen, Okay,
So for the majority of my early teen formerable years
or whatever, they call it. I had a two parent household,
but I noticed after my dad's mom passed, so my
(42:51):
entire seventh grade year, he was in a depression. As
an adult, I can understand that it was in a
depression and not him being like lazy, but I just
kind of almost like block that out of my mind
because my mom was She was just like not she
never shit on my dad. She never like talked bad
about him. But I could see that there were areas
(43:12):
where there were struggles because of the lack of having
another parent in the house. And so I almost went
into like a super daughter mode where I was just like,
whatever mom means, I'll take care of it. So I
didn't ever really process like what their separation looked like.
And through therapy over the over a year therapy, I
(43:35):
was able to connect those dots. And it wasn't until
literally last year, at thirty eight years old, that I
like recognized all these things that I literally overlooked and
I was just like, oh, I just felt that that
was like a human flaw. Oh, I thought that was
a human flaw. So where there were clear red flags,
I was like, no, it's it's okay. Like I always
(43:57):
found a way to justify. I always found a way
to make excuse the isolation. The walking on eggshells was
a constant and I'm like, oh shit, this is what
my mom was dealing with When my dad was like
not picking us up from school or whatever. She was
just like, I'm just not going to start an argument
because I don't want the girls to see it. So
things were just constantly swept under the rug. I mimic
(44:19):
those sane behaviors.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
So yeah, I think I think I.
Speaker 4 (44:23):
Didn't have the process, and.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
You're I know you're out of that relationship now. I
know Sue is out of that situationship dom congratulations for
being out as well. I think that's the part about
I guess evolving in terms of self care, self love,
sexual liberation, and finding pleasure again with the species that
(44:49):
does you wrong the first time. Right, it definitely looks
like figuring out how you can show up differently to
not make the same mistake. And I think for so
many of us, as we're dating, we have types. As
we're dating, we're looking for the things that feel familiar,
(45:10):
and unfortunately a lot of those things that feel familiar,
aren't healthy, are problematic, don't come from good people, and
so there has to be a moment where we reflect
on the things of why do I keep getting this
I'm attracted to something unhealthy? How do I stop being
(45:31):
attracted to this thing? JT wrote in the comments. I
think a big lesson Mandy taught me was not to
future fuck yourself. Y'all know I love that future fuck word.
Your mind can only be where your body is, which
is present. I think being twenty nine, sometimes it's easy
to believe that if you're single, you that you have
to just settle for who's available to you and force
(45:53):
bounds to avoid loneliness. But don't let your mind allow
you to believe that's true. Find your tribe, nurture friendships, etc.
Everything will come as long as you believe that it will.
I want to tell all of you bitches in your
twenties to calm the fuck down, baby, you will only
(46:13):
get better, bitch. Beyonce forty, Halle Berry fifty three, like baby,
do y'all see the women's out here right now? Like
and I didn't know that the younger generation was still
on this, like ohming, and we're getting old bitch. Thirties
is the new twenties now, I didn't know if maybe
just thirty year olds was out here just saying that
to make us feel better. But baby, it literally only
(46:35):
gets better. You're able to communicate better about what you
like in the bedroom, you have more money, you have
your own place, you don't have to deal with fucking roommates,
you don't like There's just so many things that come
better in your thirties. I wish that we were more
excited to reach our thirties because guess what your twenties
is absolutely the fucking ghetto. And what's crazy is you
(46:58):
think you know everything. You think you're gonna find your
soul mate, You think you know how to suck dick,
You think you know what a good partner is. Baby,
you don't. Okay, Like I wish we weren't so hype
about getting to our twenties and thinking that we had
to figure it out. Then if you can see you're
in a community of bitch is in ay thirty still
(47:20):
trying to figure it out. Girl, You're like, you're still
gonna be trying to figure it out probably five ten
years from now. So just just deal with the fact
that we're learning this together, that aliens are not here yet.
The robots are, but that's gonna be expensive. They're gonna
they're gonna be quite expensive until we can get them
(47:40):
for an affordable rate to where we can make them
look like Jason Momoa with big dicks to fuck us
and clean the house and do everything we want. But
for the moment, we have to deal with the human
guys that are here, and Tim, this is no slight
to you. God damn, it's fucking rough out here. And
then do you know what's rougher women? That's why I'm
(48:02):
not lesbian. So this is what we have to choose
from because everything else is illegal. So let's figure out
how we could get through this. I am surely missing
out on so many of y'all's talks in the chat. Also,
(48:23):
Connie and everybody listening. Don't you dare send me Jason
Momo without a beard again because I don't want to
see it. And also, beards grow back fast. This is
it's probably for a role, which means he's getting money
(48:43):
for it, which means the beard is coming back.
Speaker 4 (48:47):
He's so many He's doing it for Dune, the next
Dune movie.
Speaker 1 (48:50):
Dune sounds right, because Dune sounds like some racist shit.
Dune sounds like some krack of ass. I gotta be
in the middle of nowhere ass movie because black people
don't go to dunes. What the fuck is the Dune.
Speaker 4 (49:04):
Movie that's out like in the sand and stuff.
Speaker 1 (49:07):
It's like exactly doom Bugget. That's why I said, doing
bugget bitch. Yeah, maybe he had to look like an
alien and stuff. I didn't like that, all right. Dasa
has her hand rates talked to me.
Speaker 6 (49:23):
Okay, yeah, so I hear what you guys are saying
about how everything gets better when you're thirty, but I feel.
Speaker 1 (49:33):
Like the boat was coming. Hold off. You had to
pause after that. Back she said, I heard you, but
go ahead.
Speaker 6 (49:40):
I think it's I think because I think the generation
I grew with, which is I think the end of
the millennial. It's been so instilled in my head that
like all these expectations you're supposed to have accomplished by
your twenties. So how do I get that out of
my head? Because I grew up during a time where
(50:01):
go to college, get the white picket fence, you'll get
that dream job, and that didn't happen. Like I finished
college during COVID and that was like something like as
far away as it's been since COVID, I say, I
feel like it still affects everybody to this day. So
I'm just wondering, how do I get out of that mentality?
Speaker 4 (50:22):
You get to start brand new.
Speaker 1 (50:24):
I was gonna say that start zero. Like literally people
used to be like, oh my god, I'm felling you
on my record, I'll never get a job, but you
could be a fella now and become the president. So like,
I think that we're in a place where you gotta
realize too. If you just look at the charts, do
(50:44):
you want to get out of your head. I'm gonna
tell you what I do, and I know my algorithm
see what I'm doing. So it's just reassuring me because
that's what an algorithm is supposed to do. So there's
so many charts and graphs that are now explaining and
expressing how in the nineteen seventies, this was the median
(51:05):
average income, this is what a house costs, and this
is you know, how they were able to purchase a home.
Maybe inflation the economy, US having to literally live through
a pandemic has called for.
Speaker 7 (51:24):
This.
Speaker 1 (51:25):
We're almost in a literally NWL baby new world order,
Like what the American dream once looked like, which what
we're also seeing was possibly fed to us by the
government and mainly also kept our community black and brown
people in a certain economic state and was able to
(51:47):
advance the whites. Like from an educational standpoint, from an
economic standpoint, the American dream was a croc of shit.
It's not real. And so I think what you have
to do as someone on the tail end of the
millennial space where you're trying to figure out where you're
probably left with student debt like a lot of us,
(52:08):
where you're trying to navigate being someone who could have
a C suite level position or not. I think it's
really it's really where you have to sit with yourself
and be like, Teja, what do you want out of
this life. I think that's why I felt so powerful
having both these niggas show up to Macabana, because maybe
(52:28):
I want to make more money to just buy a
bottle at the table. Let me get a bottle at
the club, have all my niggas there and we have
a good time. Let me be able to travel to
the south of France and eat my s car gut
and sip on my apparol sprits. Like, for me, what
the American dream looks like now as a woman is
literally being able to do whatever the fuck I want
(52:51):
to do. So this idea of removing the notion that
I'm here to be a mom, removing the notion that
I'm here to be somebody's fucking wife, removing the notion
that the best traits of me is how I cook
and clean. That's where you started. I think leaning into
patriarch versus matriarch throughout the book as well, was that
(53:14):
that's how you get out of that mindset deja. You
create the life that you want to live that women
before us didn't have the opportunity to do, you know,
So to me, that's that would be my advice to you.
Connie in the chat is saying to create a vision board.
(53:37):
I think that's the thing desa mind you because the
government is a fucking sham. They're even trying to take
away the value of a bachelor's degree. There's people with
masters and doctorates that can't get jobs right now, Like, like,
none of those pieces of paper that we thought meant
something meant anything. Girl, I've been paying into Social Security
(53:59):
that I probably ain't even gonna get like, we have
to start realizing that whatever they told us the world
was was a lie. Bitch. We grew up. They know aliens, Bitch,
Now there's aliens Area fifty one, Bitch, Like like we
have cars driving on the roads without people in them.
(54:22):
Like you have to like literally be able to shake
your mind into the world, the metaverse, the similation that
we are a part of. We are here for a
good time, not a long time. And so whatever life
looks like to you is how you have to shape
your life moving forward, because it's not leaning into this
(54:47):
patriarchal boxes to check off that automatically will mean you
have a life fulfilled. That white pick of fence won't
mean you're gonna be happy. The kids, the husband, the
little Golden Retriever. I don't know why they tried to
make the Golden Retriever elite, but the big ass Golden Retriever, Nigga,
(55:09):
that's a whole nother kid. They was not here shouting
at the toy poodles, Bitch. They wanted us to take
care of a goddamn ninety pound fucking go to retriever.
That was when the economy was good. If Eggs is
thirty seven dollars food defeat a golden retriever gotta be
about thirty thirty eight hundred. So to me, that's what
(55:31):
it looks like. It literally looks like finding what makes
you happy and then doing everything you can to achieve
those things.
Speaker 6 (55:40):
Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (55:42):
That was a long spill, But I felt like I
was preaching, baby. I felt like I was in the
pool bit. Y'all know, in my mind, I'm a black
pastor at heart, but a gay one because I like
I lived my life as a gay man. So I
don't know, but these are all the things I like
to say that we do only have about seven minutes left.
(56:07):
By the way, y'all listens, I'm a black, gay pastor
that used to play in the NBA. That is the
type of life that I'm living right now. You know
what I mean. Well, we do have about seven minutes left.
(56:28):
So I do want to allow anyone here to ask
questions from any part of the book and let me
know your thoughts, your concerns, what you liked, what you
didn't like. Oh, by the way, however, guess what I
(56:52):
just found, Because to bitch, I love a Google drive.
I found my letter to myself so I will let
you know.
Speaker 4 (57:02):
What.
Speaker 1 (57:02):
The first version of my letter to myself in the
power portion of this book was the post to read
like mind you. At the end, I said, what are
your thoughts of adding affirmations? Do you think it's necessary?
Clearly I ended up adding affirmations into another part of
the book, But this was the letter that I would
(57:25):
have written to myself that did not make the book.
But here we go, dear self, as you reflect on
the winding path of finding yourself within all of your
interpersonal relationships and sexual escapades, there's a gentle wisdom that
whispers within, a voice of forgiveness and understanding, guiding you
(57:48):
through all of your experiences, even the fucked up ones.
You've weathered storms of poor decisions, navigated treacherous waters with resilience,
and emerge on the shores of self discovery. You've allowed
yourself the grace. Oh yeah, I use that word to
pick yourself up from the stumbles, grieve the loss of
(58:10):
the person you once were proud to be, and gain
the knowledge of how to navigate this place called Earth
aka Hell. It's easy to place the blame on someone
or something else. It's easy to not take the accountability
of how you may have been a key part to
the frustrations that existed within moments of your life. It's
(58:33):
easy to play the victim, but you know what's not
easy life. It's crucial not to assign blame to external
forces or past experiences, but rather to embrace the power
of self, self awareness, and personal agency. By acknowledging and
rising above the traumas and shortcomings of both your childhood
(58:54):
and past, you get to reclaim the narrative of your life.
These experiences do not define your worth or potential. Instead
they serve Instead, they serve as stepping stones on the
path to self discovery and empowerment. Embrace your journey with
a sense of purpose and reflection, understanding that your resilience
(59:16):
and strength can shape a future filled with unlimited possibility
and growth. Bitch is tattooed on your hand. Definition of
insanity Albert Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same
thing over and over expecting a different result. Forgiveness is
(59:37):
a gift you give upon yourself, a beacon of light
that illuminates the shadows of past mistakes. It is in
these moments, however, a reflection, that you find solace in
knowing that growth springs forth from the seeds of understanding
the woman before you. The pioneers of sexual liberation face
(59:58):
their own trials and tribula, and they shattered societal norms,
challenged conventions, and carved out spaces for themselves in a
world that sought to confine them. Your ancestors, though living
centries ahead of you, navigated the same issues within themselves
and relationships with some crueler stipulations. Your elders, like your
(01:00:19):
mom and her mom and her mom, did the very
best that they could, like you're doing now. So take
pride in the woman you've become, for she's a testament
to your strength and your journey. Embrace the scars of
your past as badges of honor, reminders of battles fought
and lessons learned. You've weathered many storms and foul moments
(01:00:40):
of clarity. That's truly been your gift to learn from
the mistakes you've made and to problem solve a way
to never find yourself in those same places again. So
celebrate the progress you've made, the hurdles you've surmounted, and
love and the love you've given yourself along the way.
As you gaze towards the horizon. Remember that the tohead
is still unfolding, calling you towards new adventures and new discoveries.
(01:01:05):
I wanted to put new dicks and new pussies there,
but that was crossed out. Just so you know. In
this moment of reflection and gratitude, may you find peace
in the knowledge that the past does not define you,
but rather shapes the beautiful person of who you are becoming.
I know, I know all of this is easier said
than done, but think of it as the puzzles you
(01:01:27):
use to love to put together with Granny. That's my
grandma who passed by the way. Your journey is like
the thousand piece puzzle, where each piece represents a unique
aspect of your being, including your sexuality, experiences, and personal growth.
Just like fitting together the puzzle pieces requires patience, persistence,
and an eye for detail sodas understanding and embracing your sexuality.
(01:01:50):
Some pieces may be challenging to place, symbolizing the struggles
that you face along the way with partners and understanding
of your needs. However, is each piece falls right into
its place, you unlock a clear picture of the extraordinary
individual you are becoming and can be embrace the process, religion,
the journey, and revel in the beauty of the intricate
(01:02:13):
masterpiece that is your life with love Mandy B. So
that was what I like pin together to say to myself,
and it didn't make the book. But in terms of
writing this book, through the therapy, through my many of
(01:02:36):
hours sitting with tempests, through the tears, through all the
things that is, that was initially how the book would
have ended. But I think we wanted to end the
book speaking to you and not just to ourselves. I
will possibly post that on both patreons. So thank you
guys so very much for tuning in to this last
(01:03:00):
installation of our book club. I want to thank you
guys so very much. Thank you guys for supporting us.
And if you haven't yet, make sure you cop No
Holds Barred. By the way, if you're in Atlanta, August fourteenth,
Barnes and Nobles, Buckhead eight to nine point thirty, we
are doing something a little bit differently. Yes, we'll sign
(01:03:21):
your goddamn books. We have a moderated conversation, but what
it is is a celebration. So since we're not touring,
y'all know the meet and greets used to come at
a hafty price. This is your chance to not only
meet and greet with us. It's an intimate space. I'm
trying to see if they gonna let us have some
liquors so we could do champagne tos. We're not touring,
so i want y'all to celebrate with us in making
(01:03:42):
New York Times bestseller and connecting with both of us.
It will be both Weezy and I So for anyone
who even came to the first one, the entry is
just a book, but bring your old books. I'm also
looking to see I'm looking to give any books that
people do not want to the Women's Studies department over
at Spelman. If you guys want to come, you'll be
(01:04:04):
supporting either donating books to Spelman, but you'll be celebrating
with us. It's gonna be recorded. I'm hoping y'all could
drink with us, because y'all know I like a cute
little drink. But it's gonna be intimate. We'll get the
capacity because it is at the Barnes and Nobles and Buckhead,
but it's eight pm because we know y'all bit got jobs.
Eight pm to nine thirty on a Thursday, bitch. If
(01:04:25):
I can sneak in pickleback shots, I will anyways. Guys,
thank y'all so very much for tuning and we hope
to see you all Jesus next week in Atlanta. Thank
you guys so much.
Speaker 2 (01:04:37):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (01:04:40):
Selective Ignorance a production of the Black Effect podcast Network.
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 7 (01:04:51):
Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.
Selective Ignorance. It's executive produced to buy Mandy B. And
it's a Full Court Media studio production with lead producers
Jason Rodriguez.
Speaker 1 (01:05:01):
That's me and Aaron A.
Speaker 2 (01:05:02):
King Howard.
Speaker 7 (01:05:03):
Now, do us a favor and rate, subscribe, comment, and
share wherever you get your favorite podcasts, and be sure
to follow Selective Ignorance on Instagram at Selective Underscore Ignorance.
And of course, if you're not following our hosts man
Dy B, make sure you're following her at Full Court Pumps.
Speaker 1 (01:05:19):
Now.
Speaker 7 (01:05:19):
If you want the full video experience of Selective Ignorance,
make sure you subscribe to the Patreon It's Patreon dot
com backslash selective ignorance,
Welcome back to another episode of selective Ignorance with Mandy B.
That is me and y'all. We are here for our
final gathering of the No Holds Barred book Club, and
I want to give you all a round of applause
for joining me for the last month every Wednesday. Y'all,
(00:22):
we survived the book, our group chats, and the occasional
heated that's not with the automatic debates, without a single fight,
And I love this for us. Growth, my friends, that's
called growth. Now, this episode is all about power, and listen,
I'm not talking about world domination, a villain cape or
ominous theme music. I am talking about your power, the
(00:45):
kind that comes from somewhere deep in your gut, your soul,
or my case, that one moment when you realize you're
too old to waste time on nonsense. Now listen. Some
of us found our power after trauma, that moment when
life not does flat and we realize, oh nah, I'm
not staying down here on this floor anymore. Some found
(01:06):
it walking away from an abusive relationship where every step
toward the door felt like a mile, and some of
us found it in a quiet way, like finally realizing
your self worth or deciding, you know what, my happiness
is not up for debate. Here's the thing, though, power
isn't one size fits all. It's not a magic potion.
My version might look different than yours. My version might
(01:29):
actually look like choosing peace over proven a point, while
yours might look like building an empire. Some one else's
might look like wearing sequence to the grocery store just
because it feels right. But every single one of us
has a different map, a different compass, and a different destination.
And that is the beauty of it. Power doesn't always roar.
Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it belly laughs, sometimes it just
(01:50):
quietly refuses to settle for less. So this episode we
close this chapter literally and figuratively in the book by
sharing not just how we found our power, but how
we're protecting it, feeding it, and maybe even letting it
evolve a little bit. Because the truth is, this journey
never really ends. I said it this whole time. Although
(02:11):
each chapter ended with a period, every chapter in this
book is still ongoing. But enough for me, I am
very pleased to share my last book club session, where
so many of the women shared how they obtained their power.
Enjoy It is the last installment of the No Hols
(02:37):
Barred Book Club with men dB going a by my
sections and why I have an accent is because, bitch,
I don't know, but you know, like bitch, I'm a
New York Times bestseller author, so I feel like I
gotta have accents to, you know, be able to talk
(02:59):
to the people. We have our European leg of our tour. Nonetheless,
welcome back. We're going over the last portion of the book,
which leaned into Power. Now for Power, this portion was
a shared power. I actually, oh, I'm gonna see if
I can pull it up backstory BTS. For this portion
(03:24):
of the book, we actually first were going to do
a letter to ourselves, that is what the power portion
of the book was going to be. However, they both
read so differently that we were like, eh, maybe there's
a way we can make this come together more cohesively,
(03:48):
and we pretty much somehow ended up where we talked
about just the different elements of what how we viewed
ourselves as power full. For me, it was just a
really good way to round out the book because I
think it left any of the readers being able to
figure out if they were in a moment of power,
(04:09):
have achieved feeling powerful or were in the right direction
of becoming liberated and powerful in their own right. Da
in the comments asks differently, how I wrote mine, like
really therapeutically, if that's even a word. I wrote mine
(04:33):
like as the waves crash, and you know, I was like,
I was really getting into my bag, Like, okay, if
I could write a letter to myself, let me make
this shit sound real, you know. Lit we The's letter
was like every curse word that we've ever made up.
(04:55):
It was talking to herself. She chose to talk to
herself as the past, present, and future, and so she
spoke to what she would say to her younger self,
what she would say to herself today, and then what
she would tell herself in the future, but in a
(05:17):
very like this is how Weezy talks type of way.
My letter was just, like I said, a lot more theatrical, bitch,
because it's a book I'm gonna author, And so they
just didn't really mesh and I was very adamant. Y'all know,
compromise is a word We've been both trying to figure
out what the fucking mean. This was not a chapter
(05:39):
we really knew how to compromise in terms of both
sharing our individual letters to ourselves. So Tempest kind of
asked us to write down what power meant to us.
She asked us like these four questions and then she
had each of us answer them, and from there we
kind of combined it as a whole thing, and so
(06:01):
that's where we got our power portion. I did want
to share too before y'all pull says whole share y'all stories.
For me, probably the entry way for me feeling the
most powerful to me in dating and as a woman
came with financial freedom. I'm not going to hold you
(06:24):
from growing up in a single parent household, to my
father holding money and child support over our heads and
to see my mom kind of get into these real
toxic relationships where she still had to kind of work
multiple jobs to sustain everything. For me, I think I
found the most the most power as a woman with
(06:50):
being able to like pay my own shit, which is
crazy because in the book I and if you guys
have ever heard me interview Neo, I tell Neo it's
his fault. Why the fuck we all thought we had
to be independent women? Like And then if I ever
get the chance to me Beyonce to her face, she
(07:12):
did the same shit. She was I here, Oh on
my women, wind, what are we talking about? She literally says,
always fifty to fifty relationships? What are we doing? Why
we don't want to be fifty to fifty ir related like?
And so this happened around the time I was becoming
a woman, and I have nothing to say to Busy
(07:34):
He another one, but I literally have nothing to say
to that man because yeah, no. But I reference all
of them in the book because at a pivotal moment
in me growing up, the music was leaning into women
being these strong, powerful beings, as independent women, and I
(07:57):
would say over the last ten to fifteen years has
been confusion between independence and masculinity, and I hate that
there's like confusion between the two. However, for me, not
having to lean into a transactional relationship and being able to,
(08:18):
you know, pay my own bills has allowed me to,
I believe, have way more honest relationships with men because
I'm not leaning into those relationships expecting to be taken
care of. And so y'all probably have kind of picked
up on notes of that in the book as well.
But I would say that's where I truly found my
(08:41):
power outside of actually in real life, not fake life,
being confident in my body, confident in my skin, bitch.
At one point, I ain't even like my big old
silk dollar ariolas. I like them things now, But there
(09:03):
was a moment where there was just so much about
my body that I didn't like that I kind of
needed again the validation and compliments in all of the
wrong places. And so for me, those are the two
places that I found my power over the last couple
of years. I'm thirty four, about to be thirty five,
(09:25):
and boying my holding on to that thirty four because
I could still say, you know, low thirties. I'm in
my young thirties, bitch. Once you hit thirty five, it's mid.
It's mid, it's mid and you know. But I would say,
it's been really the journey of loving myself from the
inside out, from the outside in, and truly getting a
(09:48):
grasp on my own financial security that's allowed me to
feel sexually liberated. Now, before I get y'all to sharing
your stories, I told some of the people that were
on the book club a little earlier. You guys are
following me on this journey, right, and so I just
(10:10):
want to throw out the disclaimer that y'all will hear
an episode in a couple weeks. That will sound like
I'm reverting, that will sound like I'm backtracking. However I'm not.
I feel so powerful. So basically I bought a bottle
in a cabana at the pool and invited mad niggas
(10:33):
I was talking to. And I didn't think they were
all gonna show up, but two of them showed up
at the same time.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
And.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Boy, that was a new step of power. There's power
in being able to exist as a fuck nigga. Like
I know, we don't like fuck niggas. We don't. However,
when you have the opportunity to exist as one, I understand.
It was just like it felt great because both of
(11:03):
them behaved. I went between both the May show, they
both had their drinks or to their food, like what
you want, baby, you good? Okay, rub their shoulders, you
know what I mean? Like it was cute, and it
just felt so powerful to be able to just like
exist and exists in a way where I didn't care
(11:25):
what they thought of me sexually, how they thought of me,
whether I was wife material, mom material. And in the
book I leaned heavily into that too, where when we
think of patriarchy, it's forcing women to exist in only
the roles that men want us to be in. And
so it was liberating as fun to be like, well,
(11:50):
both y'all here. As long as they behaved, we were
good and they were great. They both behaved. Ain't nobody
saying nothing. It was cute And that's what the fuck
I'm talking about now. Naomi raised her hand and she's laughing. So, bitch,
if you're gonna be disrespectful, I'm a comfort your ass.
But go ahead, Naomi, not at all. I don't know
(12:13):
why you said.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
That's not fuck NIGGI because they know what's up, and
that's why they behaved.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
And you know, money, no, no, why you don't think they knew? No,
no, no no, Because here's the thing about being honest. I
don't think omission is honesty. I also don't think either
of them knew to ask me, hey, is any other
guy you're talking to gonna be there? But it was
also something I didn't share.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Because they probably don't care. That's one thing about bet
they don't really care. That's just like one thing about
being with a fu nig. You don't really care. You
want to fuck him, you don't care what the conditions are.
Anytime I've been in that situation.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
I don't care that. I think women don't hire two.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
Girl at the table with the other girl acting like
a friend with my.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
Uh what they call it spending night bag.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
In the car because I thought I was going home
with him that night, but oh it.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Was her, it's her, so so can I tell you
that that's where it felt powerful for me. I know
I had been that girl before, and I was only
that girl because the guy that I was with had
me throwed and he had money, and so for me
being able to be on the reverse right, And I
(13:28):
think that's why once both of them showed up, I said, well,
I think a bitch gotta buy a bottle. Now, let
me go ahead and buy his bottle. I said, yeah,
bring out, I said, bring out the sparklers. Okay, they
brought out a car. I said, I said, make it loud,
make it loud. But yeah, you're right, I think, And
I'm not sure if many women have admitted to that
(13:48):
where they've been invited out to a club or a
party or you know, a get together knowing that they
would possibly be in the same space and as one
of the other women that this guy talks to. Yes,
most times than not, we do it, we know it,
and that we were quote unquote well behaved.
Speaker 4 (14:11):
Yeah, because I know I don't have no claim.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
You don't really have no claim.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
You don't have a ring on your finger, that's not
your man and so and he never promised you. Now,
it's one thing if somebody, oh, yeah, you're the only
one I ain't talking to nobody else and all of that,
But if he's somebody who just met girl, you know
he's lying. But for me, for that situation, it was like,
I know he's a hope this is happening.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
But like all got calmed down. I'm sitting here saying
I'm a powerful boss, not that I'm a hoe. No,
I mean I'm not that guy. Okay, yeah, I mean
not to that guy's all right, Yeah, you're now you're
woa whoa just aren't good either? All right time you Naomi,
thank you so much for your for your insights. But yeah,
(14:57):
I think I think for me it's been really good
to be able to show up and be honest. I
guess I'm working on showing up and being honest in
a healthy, respectful way. Only because I do want to
speak to someone in the Patreon community over on decisions decisions.
(15:18):
I wonder if I could find hold On. Let me
see if I could find the name, because I do
want to Yes, GGC, I want you to know you
are very wrong in your comment that says Mandy loves
wasting a man's time. Boy, now listen, I tell this
(15:40):
to women. I'm gonna tell it to everyone listening. Only
you can waste your time. I cannot waste anybody else's time.
To me, when you're honest, when you're upfront about your intentions,
what you're looking for, it is up to the other
person to decide if they want to sick around or not.
(16:01):
I think that we like to put a lot of
blame on our partners in certain relationships where we'd be like, man,
he wasted my time. No, Sis, you have a part
in that. And for me, I think when we show
up in this element of dating or having sex or
building any type of romantic or intimate bonds with somebody,
(16:23):
when you're open about expectations, when you're open about your
short term and long term goals, then the only person
who you can blame for wasting your time is yourself
if that person doesn't align with you. And I think
that we put the onus far too often on other
people as to wasting your time, when in reality, a
(16:46):
lot of us have the power literally to walk away
if it doesn't suit us. Sue you have your hand raised.
I do, I literally just so.
Speaker 5 (16:58):
I'm probably the younger demographic of all of y'all. So
dating is something that I'm still learning to navigate. And
I'm a very big Peopil's Lisa, And on the topic
of like wasting time and all that stuff.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Just recently cut off a guy is that it wasn't.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
Taking me on dates or enough dates, wasn't showing me
off enough. We hadny for like four plus months, so
I was like, it's time, it's time to go outside.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
So can I ask you then, what is dating? If
he wasn't taking you on dates? Okay?
Speaker 5 (17:33):
So yes, that, but we were like we would do
cute little things like he had cooked inner for me,
We would watch movies, like he would set up like
there was a date that we did at his balcony
where he would like he laid out like a little
blanket and he had popcorn, and we watched a movie.
I consider that a date because we first met.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So did this man have money at all to take
the okay, see, but he picnic on the balcony, yes,
because I told him. I told him it would be
cute because the sun the stars were gonna be nice.
Speaker 5 (18:06):
But we had gone on dates before. Okay, we had
gone on dates before. It's just when you it got
to that. It got to that part where let's just
stay at home, let's just stay at home, let's wacially movie,
let's have sex, and let's just talk and let's just
stay inside. That's where it got to and I was like, hey,
I appreciate this time with you. I would appreciate you
(18:26):
taking me out every once in a while. And then
he was like, yeah, yeah, of course I understand that.
A week went by, two weeks went by, nothing, and
I was like, hey, are you gonna are you gonna
do this? And he's like, you know, I just I
don't think this is something that I wanted to do.
And I was like, okay, then then we don't see
each other anymore.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
He said he only wanted to see you inside, not outside.
Speaker 5 (18:49):
Yeah, And I was like, and I had met his
friends before, so it's not like it was like a stranger.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
I met this friend. Girl. Meeting the friends don't mean nothing,
say no, no, no, I know the friends don't mean anything.
But I'm just saying like there was no not shame.
Shame was not the right word, but there was no
reason to hide me, if that made sense. But I
can't think, so okay. And then so I was like, okay, well,
if we don't want to take me outside, then we're done.
(19:16):
And then he's like, no, no, what do you mean, like
we don't have to?
Speaker 5 (19:18):
And I was like, I asked you to take me
outside on dates. We can get dressed up, we could
look nice. You don't want to do that.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
That's hard.
Speaker 5 (19:26):
I'm gonna go on days with somebody else. And I
totally by. I was very uncomfortable. I did not want
to say goodbye to this man. I liked him a lot,
but he was not treating me the way that I
wanted to be treated. So I said goodbye to not
waste my time any further.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
So my only okay, So this is what I will say,
and this is something this has learned. Because you want
to sit here and talk about you so much goddamn
younger than no, No at all. That's that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (19:57):
I'm saying I feel like y'all have more life expres
than I do, and y'all are in a position in
which you feel I'm still it's still very difficult for
me to say no to people, and I she.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Like it's not even saying no. Right, this is I'm
gonna read Deandre's response. Connie also wrote her hand, but
I want to say my overall thoughts on this in
terms of dating, right what I realize and y'all might
even have heard me. That's pretty much how I was
able to have actor Base show up exactly how I want.
(20:32):
So if you want a certain relationship with a man,
not saying you even want to be with him or
not like, but if you're starting out a relationship, I
will tell you, although it seems like nothing, getting a
relationship to blossom into more when it's already kind of
comfortable is way harder than having a nigga show up
(20:57):
out the gate with all the things and then being
okay with it trailing down. So even if you are
comfortable with a man you know cooking for you and
watching movies and all of these things with you, girl,
make that nigga take you out on mad dates before
you get comfortable in scaling it down to that, because
(21:20):
starting in the house, getting a nigga to take you
outside after he's already gotten comfortable, after he know he
can cook and get pussy without spending money, without taking
you out without thinking. Do you know how hard it
is for men to think? And now you want him
to like curate dates. If all he has to do
is throw something in the oven, find a show on Netflix,
(21:42):
and he getting pussy, why do anything more? And so
in terms of dating, you kind of had to trickle
out the bullshit niggas ain't really willing to do much
for you and then spoil them with those type of
nights later. But yeah, like he gotta put effort in
from the beginning. And if you don't force them to
(22:03):
really show up with effort in the beginning, girl, four
months later, you're doomed asking a nigga down the line, Hey,
now I want you to take me out. They gonna
look at you like you boogoo the fool and mind you.
Tim is over here laughing like the fuck nigga he
used to be. He is agreeing with everything that I
have saying. He's like, yup, bitch, you should have maybe
take you out first. Now, Connie, you has some additions
(22:26):
to this because you were you were mouthing your thoughts
while she was talking as well.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
So I had a friend back in the day. We
all work together, and you know, groups of co workers,
you talk, you chit chat. And he would tell us
that he had, you know, his little roster or whatever
of like Blockbuster girls. And we're like, hold On was
the Blockbuster girl. And he was a little bit older
than this. We were in our twenties and I think
he was in like his early thirties. He's like, Blockbuster
(22:54):
girls are girls that I order pizza with. This is
before Netflix, but you would go, you rent a movie.
He's like, we'll do stuff. We'll go to the park,
we'll ride bikes. You know, I'll cook or she'll cook.
He was like, but I like that because it's low
maintenance and I know I can get sex the girls
(23:15):
that I have to like wine and dine and really
like I made reservations and I put on a nice
shirt and I had to plan ahead of time. He
was like, even if it was like a museum date.
He was like, with the girls that really I put
in an effort for. He was like, it was never
just the museum. Maybe like the museum or art exhibit.
Then we're going to dinner, we're going to a wine bar.
It's an entire experience. He's like, but the Blockbuster Girls
(23:38):
guaranteed sex. All I gotta do is like hang out
with you, and then afterwards it's like, oh, it's eleven o'clock,
so what's you gonna do? Never spend the night nothing.
So a lot of the times, like Mandy said, if
you aren't having that expectation ahead of time that these
are the things that you want to see and enjoy doing,
and then maintaining that because you could be four months
(24:01):
in and at month five there's no more date nights.
There's just oh, we in the house, We in the house.
You have to re iterate, like, hey, I would really
like it if we could go out to like a
jazz show. You have to bring that back up that way.
They know they're like, oh, I can't just like behave
until she gets comfortable and then it's fine, she's gonna
forget about it.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
No, not at all. And Timmy even just said, his
friend just went through this, and her man was doing
it with five women. By the way, her saying that
was her man, that wasn't her man, that was a man.
But pretty much they were open, but he was doing
nothing for everyone. And I think that that's where we
are to be, to be very clear, transparent and honest
(24:45):
about what sexual liberation is done. I think it's confused
some of us being able to share our expectations even
with casual sex. And unfortunately, casual sex quote unquote should
be like a treat, like for a man to be
able to be with a woman who's not asking or
(25:07):
requiring a lot should be like a unicorn. But instead
there's so many women that you know, are confusing not
only being liberated, but casual sex with situationships and all
these other things. Yes, Connie, that is just like, oh no,
what's really happening is you're taking the crumbs, you're taking
(25:29):
the bare minimum from men, and they're reaping the benefits
because you're not really fully expressing what you want out
the gate. And that's the other thing, and I talk
about it in the Unicorn chapter. We as women have
to be okay with a man not being for us
he could be beautiful, he could have a big old dick,
(25:50):
he could have a good paying job, he could like
literally be the man of your dreams. But if he's
not showing up or willing to give you what you
want at the moment that you that you want it,
send that little fishy on back out into the pond
and go find someone else. Because if you are really
adamant and intentional on the things that you want out
(26:12):
of sex, pleasure, relationships, intimacy, as soon as you see
that someone is not willing to meet you where you
want to be met, you gotta be fine with letting
them go because essentially you have to view someone not
willing to show up for you, not willing to take
you on a date, as a form of rejection. You
can't think that just because a nigga want to fuck
(26:34):
you that that's something to be proud of. These niggas
a fuck a chicken sandwich? How many years have I
been saying it? So we have to find a way
to make sure that that person is still respecting us,
it's still able to show up for us, it's still
able to be there for us when they're not inside
(26:54):
of us, And I will leave it there Now, I
guess I did want to let me see. Damn, I
thought I was gonna get a story. Look, I can't multitask.
I want to be able to find my goddamn letter
to myself, but I also want to know. I guess
(27:17):
I want to leave the floor open real quick, because
we are about halfway through. I want to know if
anyone here, and it's not if I'm lying, who here,
because it's gonna be somebody if I got a call
on you like the teacher, who in here has a
story about finding their power, whether it be in the bedroom,
(27:39):
whether it be the power to leave an unhealthy relationship,
whether it be the power to feel confident in themselves
to exist in the realm that they are now. I'm
really interested to know because clearly there was a lot
of un learning I had to do. There's a lot
(28:00):
of forgiveness I'm still currently working through. Dom. I love
that you in the chat. Dom. I'm about to umute
you because now I want to know the story, dom, Dom,
can you unmute yourself?
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Dom in the chat said that they left an abusive
relationship and rebuilt their life at twenty eight. I'm curious
as to what that looks like as a twenty eight
year old m because ironic, you know what I mean? Like, ironically,
I do feel like thirty. You still get hit in
(28:38):
the head with like, oh my god, what was I
doing in my twenties? So what did that look like
for you?
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Yeah, so quick backstory. I was twenty three when I
met this man. He was twenty eight. We listen and
we don't judge, okay. So he had four kids, three
baby mamas, and I thought he was the love of
(29:03):
my life.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Oh on, let me put myself on you. So I
don't get no ad little suthing here, Okay, go ahead, down.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
So, yeah, fell in love, moved in with him when
I was what twenty six, worst mistake of my life.
I was going fifty to fifty. I was helping him
with the kids who lived full time with us.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Wait what happened to the moms? The three moms.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
One of the moms was like a crackhead. So we
had two of the babies with us. So yeah, I
was doing the step mom, helping with the bills. My
dad had just passed away to so he was just
reaping all the benefits. So something in my brain connected
(29:58):
where I was like, this doesn't make sense. Why am
I here being treated like trash?
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Can I ask you, Dom?
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (30:08):
What because we can? I mean, I don't want to
lean into science that some trigger in your brain went off.
So I'd love to know. Was it a friend, a
family member, a television show, a song, an episode of
a podcast, was it a book? What at in your
twenties led you to actually be like this isn't right,
(30:31):
This isn't what I deserve.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
So my dad just passed and instead of him being
a nice person, he just made it harder for me
to deal with that grief. And I was sitting in
our bedroom one day and I said, God forbid my
mom and my siblings pass away or move and I'm
(30:55):
stuck with this man. I am in trouble.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
So he wasn't a support system during a very hard
time for you in grieving. And him not being a
support system there let you know like, oh yeah, this
ain't it?
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah pretty much?
Speaker 1 (31:12):
So so yeah, where did that trigger?
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Like?
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Then what happened?
Speaker 2 (31:17):
I grabbed my shit, put it in my car, and
I went back home and I said, Mom, I'm back.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Yeah, And I rebuilt my life. So I stayed at
my mom's house for like two months. I got a
new apartment in San Diego County.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
OK.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
You know, I started going to the gym. I rebuilt
my friendships, I made new friendships. I'm just now starting today,
like barely barely talking to meth.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
How many years later, Don, it's been six months since
I Oh, wow this Wow? Yeah, congratulations. Yeah, I know
this isn't going to be easy. Well wow, congrats. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
So, I don't know, It's just it was new. It
was scary. I thought that at twenty eight, nobody would
want me anymore because you know, I'm in my late twenties.
I don't know, like I just thought I was so
undeserving of being treated right. And I've rebuilt it, rebuilt
(32:27):
a new life for myself.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Sue has a question, and I think she may have
a question for you. Good. Yeah, yes, I have a question.
Speaker 5 (32:35):
So I hear that for domestic violence victims, and I
don't know if you consider yourself that, but just missed
on the story.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
That's what it's giving. The hardest part is leaving.
Speaker 5 (32:48):
I know that you said that you packed up your
shit and you're left, and you kind of breathe through that.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
If you would mind giving.
Speaker 5 (32:56):
More detail on kind of like what it felt like
to leave, how he reacted when you left, and I
know that there were kids involved, and if you were
close to the kids, and how it felt kind of
leaving them with that type of person, Like, if you
mind expanding on.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
How your mental state was when you were doing all
of that.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Yeah, So when I was leaving and when I grabbed
my shit and left, we were still I was still
under the impression that we were going to get back
together because he was doing that reaching now and like, oh,
like I'm changing, things are going to change. The only
reason why I really left him alone was because one
(33:38):
day I went through his Apple watch, and since the
moment I left the house, he already was in a
new relationship with a whole new girl, bringing her to
the apartment when my stuff was still there, I hadn't
fully moved out, So I think because the because what
he did towards the end was so big, I had
(34:00):
to love myself enough to never go back.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
What things did you do at such a young age,
like to kind of love yourself more? Yeah, yeah, Like,
what were the things that you did to love yourself?
Speaker 2 (34:20):
I went to the gym every day and that's a
big one. Every day I went to the gym. I
still do it. I started reading more books, and I
also reached out to my friends because during this relationship,
I didn't really hang out with anybody, So I had
to reach out to my friends and have that hard
(34:42):
conversation of I was a bad friend. I forgot about
you guys, and I'm sorry, and I'm lucky enough that
they forgave me and we just you know, started all
over again where we left off.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Wow, it's interesting just hearing not only the emotion that
you share, but knowing that I may be that friend.
I think I've talked about it before. I feel like
I've lost a friend due to a relationship and they're
no longer in that relationship, and I'm I don't know
(35:19):
what they experienced daring it, you know, but a part
of me feels like, yeah, bitch, you are a bad friend.
And I don't want to be friends with someone who
would leave me just because they're with a partner. Like
I think, yeah, you know what I mean. And so
it's interesting hearing that because I do think that. That's
why I say, if you're in a relationship where it
(35:41):
feels isolating, that is a red flag that it is unhealthy.
And I think Sue you mentioned that it sounded like
there could have been some domestic violence there. What I
also want to pinpoint is that abuse can lend itself
as being so psychological and emotional that the damage done
(36:04):
there sometimes is way more than a bruise left on
someone's body. And me and me and my good friend,
y'all know Carla has talked about being in a relationship
with a narcissist. I know I've been in a relationship
with one. And what it does to your body, your
nervous system, your self esteem, like is really really something
(36:31):
that we don't talk much about. And Connie, you're right,
domestic violence can be an emotional, can be emotional and psychological.
I think for me, when we talk about it on
any platform really and in the public setting, we normally
assume DV to be physical. The same way when we
(36:52):
think of sexual assault, we think that to be physical,
even though it could be under the harassment umbrella where
it was verbally done to you or you know, there's
just so many other ways that we can experience these violations.
And I think that that's the dope part about not
(37:12):
only this book. But what this platforms provided is the
constant state of knowledge of words of experiences, because that's
how you know you're in something that isn't isn't good
And yes, so you're okay dv as everything violent, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, Yes,
(37:35):
and then shout out to Kay as well. The nervous
system healing is the hardest part. I don't know if
you guys remember when I broke up with my ex
that I also thought was my soulmate, dom you being
six months into this, I thought out of my three
year relationship that I could kind of fuck the pain
away and just get back into being with things. And
(37:59):
it wasn't an until literally I found myself jumping and
crying and not wanting to be touched. That I had
to completely like, that's why, you know, That's why I
did the celibacy last year. It's why I kind of
removed liquor for a little bit. There was so much
in terms of what healing looked like for me that
I had to reconnect literally to myself. My nervous system
(38:23):
was shocked, so Dom the gym is gonna help. But
there's other elements, like in terms of getting back to
a healthy space where I could allow a man to
even touch me again, or be in the same space
like I remember just being around a guy and I
think he just wanted to debate, but the way he
(38:44):
spoke to me triggered me to how my ex would
talk and it just immediately shut me down. And your
nervous system, girl, it'll cause you to have to get
sick more often. If you get cold sores, you'll break
out more often, if your hair not healthy, if you
(39:04):
ain't been taking your boten or your hair will thin,
your skin will break out. And I don't think that
none of this is really spoken about often in terms
of what an unhealthy relationship can do, whether you're in
it or when you leave, But it literally has an
effect on your entire like physical profile and how you
(39:25):
go about your day to day. So dom outside of
the gym, whether it's therapy, the books, all the things
you're taking. Definitely dose up on your vitamins and get
back to really treating like yourself to where you don't
even realize you got PTSD until you get triggered. Yeah,
so you know, good luck on that. Don Thank you
(39:45):
so much for sharing your story, Connie. You have something
to add before we continue.
Speaker 4 (39:51):
Yes, because she's shared about the strength to weak, So
I want to commend you could not is not easy.
It took me, I would say, maybe two years after
I knew that we should have been broken up, and
I finally when I finally did it, we had just
renewed our leaves, but I basically told him, like, we
(40:15):
can't be together, we need to stay apart, and I
got the silent treatment for two weeks and we were
still living together, and then we were able to It
was almost like passing notes, like he would write in
a journal and then I would respond back because it
was the only way he was communicating with me. Thankfully,
(40:35):
I had started therapy like two months prior. This was
last April that I started therapy, and it was in
June that we broke up, and when we finally moved
out in July. The day that we were moving out,
the night before, he had gotten arrested. And it wasn't
until like reading this book, Mandy, that I realized that
(40:58):
the way that that relationship ended is partially the similar
to how my parents' relationship ended. My dad had been
arrested for prostitution and possession, and my ex had been
arrested for solicitation and possession, and I was like, wow,
that's really great history repeated itself. But after we moved out,
(41:23):
like I moved into essentially like a temporary situation, but
sneaking my things out when I knew that we wanted
to break up, was I think easy because I was
able to like cry to myself and cope with the
fact that I was ending this relationship, that I'm literally
hiding shit in a storage unit and so that's time
(41:46):
to leave.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Yeah, I want to ask you, Connie, because I had
a different experience, which is why I felt so blind
in dating as an adult. I felt like I was
seeking to do everything opposite of what I saw my
mom do in terms of dating. But for you to
(42:11):
have a relationship end the same way, did you not
pick up on any red flags or anything from your
childhood that you saw in your present relationship early enough
to catch that? Like, only because I'm curious.
Speaker 4 (42:27):
With my parents. They divorced when I was going into
ninth grade, No, eighth grade, when I was going into
eighth grade, So I was like thirteen or fourteen, Okay,
So for the majority of my early teen formerable years
or whatever, they call it. I had a two parent household,
but I noticed after my dad's mom passed, so my
(42:51):
entire seventh grade year, he was in a depression. As
an adult, I can understand that it was in a
depression and not him being like lazy, but I just
kind of almost like block that out of my mind
because my mom was She was just like not she
never shit on my dad. She never like talked bad
about him. But I could see that there were areas
(43:12):
where there were struggles because of the lack of having
another parent in the house. And so I almost went
into like a super daughter mode where I was just like,
whatever mom means, I'll take care of it. So I
didn't ever really process like what their separation looked like.
And through therapy over the over a year therapy, I
(43:35):
was able to connect those dots. And it wasn't until
literally last year, at thirty eight years old, that I
like recognized all these things that I literally overlooked and
I was just like, oh, I just felt that that
was like a human flaw. Oh, I thought that was
a human flaw. So where there were clear red flags,
I was like, no, it's it's okay. Like I always
(43:57):
found a way to justify. I always found a way
to make excuse the isolation. The walking on eggshells was
a constant and I'm like, oh shit, this is what
my mom was dealing with When my dad was like
not picking us up from school or whatever. She was
just like, I'm just not going to start an argument
because I don't want the girls to see it. So
things were just constantly swept under the rug. I mimic
(44:19):
those sane behaviors.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
So yeah, I think I think I.
Speaker 4 (44:23):
Didn't have the process, and.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
You're I know you're out of that relationship now. I
know Sue is out of that situationship dom congratulations for
being out as well. I think that's the part about
I guess evolving in terms of self care, self love,
sexual liberation, and finding pleasure again with the species that
(44:49):
does you wrong the first time. Right, it definitely looks
like figuring out how you can show up differently to
not make the same mistake. And I think for so
many of us, as we're dating, we have types. As
we're dating, we're looking for the things that feel familiar,
(45:10):
and unfortunately a lot of those things that feel familiar,
aren't healthy, are problematic, don't come from good people, and
so there has to be a moment where we reflect
on the things of why do I keep getting this
I'm attracted to something unhealthy? How do I stop being
(45:31):
attracted to this thing? JT wrote in the comments. I
think a big lesson Mandy taught me was not to
future fuck yourself. Y'all know I love that future fuck word.
Your mind can only be where your body is, which
is present. I think being twenty nine, sometimes it's easy
to believe that if you're single, you that you have
to just settle for who's available to you and force
(45:53):
bounds to avoid loneliness. But don't let your mind allow
you to believe that's true. Find your tribe, nurture friendships, etc.
Everything will come as long as you believe that it will.
I want to tell all of you bitches in your
twenties to calm the fuck down, baby, you will only
(46:13):
get better, bitch. Beyonce forty, Halle Berry fifty three, like baby,
do y'all see the women's out here right now? Like
and I didn't know that the younger generation was still
on this, like ohming, and we're getting old bitch. Thirties
is the new twenties now, I didn't know if maybe
just thirty year olds was out here just saying that
to make us feel better. But baby, it literally only
(46:35):
gets better. You're able to communicate better about what you
like in the bedroom, you have more money, you have
your own place, you don't have to deal with fucking roommates,
you don't like There's just so many things that come
better in your thirties. I wish that we were more
excited to reach our thirties because guess what your twenties
is absolutely the fucking ghetto. And what's crazy is you
(46:58):
think you know everything. You think you're gonna find your
soul mate, You think you know how to suck dick,
You think you know what a good partner is. Baby,
you don't. Okay, Like I wish we weren't so hype
about getting to our twenties and thinking that we had
to figure it out. Then if you can see you're
in a community of bitch is in ay thirty still
(47:20):
trying to figure it out. Girl, You're like, you're still
gonna be trying to figure it out probably five ten
years from now. So just just deal with the fact
that we're learning this together, that aliens are not here yet.
The robots are, but that's gonna be expensive. They're gonna
they're gonna be quite expensive until we can get them
(47:40):
for an affordable rate to where we can make them
look like Jason Momoa with big dicks to fuck us
and clean the house and do everything we want. But
for the moment, we have to deal with the human
guys that are here, and Tim, this is no slight
to you. God damn, it's fucking rough out here. And
then do you know what's rougher women? That's why I'm
(48:02):
not lesbian. So this is what we have to choose
from because everything else is illegal. So let's figure out
how we could get through this. I am surely missing
out on so many of y'all's talks in the chat. Also,
(48:23):
Connie and everybody listening. Don't you dare send me Jason
Momo without a beard again because I don't want to
see it. And also, beards grow back fast. This is
it's probably for a role, which means he's getting money
(48:43):
for it, which means the beard is coming back.
Speaker 4 (48:47):
He's so many He's doing it for Dune, the next
Dune movie.
Speaker 1 (48:50):
Dune sounds right, because Dune sounds like some racist shit.
Dune sounds like some krack of ass. I gotta be
in the middle of nowhere ass movie because black people
don't go to dunes. What the fuck is the Dune.
Speaker 4 (49:04):
Movie that's out like in the sand and stuff.
Speaker 1 (49:07):
It's like exactly doom Bugget. That's why I said, doing
bugget bitch. Yeah, maybe he had to look like an
alien and stuff. I didn't like that, all right. Dasa
has her hand rates talked to me.
Speaker 6 (49:23):
Okay, yeah, so I hear what you guys are saying
about how everything gets better when you're thirty, but I feel.
Speaker 1 (49:33):
Like the boat was coming. Hold off. You had to
pause after that. Back she said, I heard you, but
go ahead.
Speaker 6 (49:40):
I think it's I think because I think the generation
I grew with, which is I think the end of
the millennial. It's been so instilled in my head that
like all these expectations you're supposed to have accomplished by
your twenties. So how do I get that out of
my head? Because I grew up during a time where
(50:01):
go to college, get the white picket fence, you'll get
that dream job, and that didn't happen. Like I finished
college during COVID and that was like something like as
far away as it's been since COVID, I say, I
feel like it still affects everybody to this day. So
I'm just wondering, how do I get out of that mentality?
Speaker 4 (50:22):
You get to start brand new.
Speaker 1 (50:24):
I was gonna say that start zero. Like literally people
used to be like, oh my god, I'm felling you
on my record, I'll never get a job, but you
could be a fella now and become the president. So like,
I think that we're in a place where you gotta
realize too. If you just look at the charts, do
(50:44):
you want to get out of your head. I'm gonna
tell you what I do, and I know my algorithm
see what I'm doing. So it's just reassuring me because
that's what an algorithm is supposed to do. So there's
so many charts and graphs that are now explaining and
expressing how in the nineteen seventies, this was the median
(51:05):
average income, this is what a house costs, and this
is you know, how they were able to purchase a home.
Maybe inflation the economy, US having to literally live through
a pandemic has called for.
Speaker 7 (51:24):
This.
Speaker 1 (51:25):
We're almost in a literally NWL baby new world order,
Like what the American dream once looked like, which what
we're also seeing was possibly fed to us by the
government and mainly also kept our community black and brown
people in a certain economic state and was able to
(51:47):
advance the whites. Like from an educational standpoint, from an
economic standpoint, the American dream was a croc of shit.
It's not real. And so I think what you have
to do as someone on the tail end of the
millennial space where you're trying to figure out where you're
probably left with student debt like a lot of us,
(52:08):
where you're trying to navigate being someone who could have
a C suite level position or not. I think it's
really it's really where you have to sit with yourself
and be like, Teja, what do you want out of
this life. I think that's why I felt so powerful
having both these niggas show up to Macabana, because maybe
(52:28):
I want to make more money to just buy a
bottle at the table. Let me get a bottle at
the club, have all my niggas there and we have
a good time. Let me be able to travel to
the south of France and eat my s car gut
and sip on my apparol sprits. Like, for me, what
the American dream looks like now as a woman is
literally being able to do whatever the fuck I want
(52:51):
to do. So this idea of removing the notion that
I'm here to be a mom, removing the notion that
I'm here to be somebody's fucking wife, removing the notion
that the best traits of me is how I cook
and clean. That's where you started. I think leaning into
patriarch versus matriarch throughout the book as well, was that
(53:14):
that's how you get out of that mindset deja. You
create the life that you want to live that women
before us didn't have the opportunity to do, you know,
So to me, that's that would be my advice to you.
Connie in the chat is saying to create a vision board.
(53:37):
I think that's the thing desa mind you because the
government is a fucking sham. They're even trying to take
away the value of a bachelor's degree. There's people with
masters and doctorates that can't get jobs right now, Like, like,
none of those pieces of paper that we thought meant
something meant anything. Girl, I've been paying into Social Security
(53:59):
that I probably ain't even gonna get like, we have
to start realizing that whatever they told us the world
was was a lie. Bitch. We grew up. They know aliens, Bitch,
Now there's aliens Area fifty one, Bitch, Like like we
have cars driving on the roads without people in them.
(54:22):
Like you have to like literally be able to shake
your mind into the world, the metaverse, the similation that
we are a part of. We are here for a
good time, not a long time. And so whatever life
looks like to you is how you have to shape
your life moving forward, because it's not leaning into this
(54:47):
patriarchal boxes to check off that automatically will mean you
have a life fulfilled. That white pick of fence won't
mean you're gonna be happy. The kids, the husband, the
little Golden Retriever. I don't know why they tried to
make the Golden Retriever elite, but the big ass Golden Retriever, Nigga,
(55:09):
that's a whole nother kid. They was not here shouting
at the toy poodles, Bitch. They wanted us to take
care of a goddamn ninety pound fucking go to retriever.
That was when the economy was good. If Eggs is
thirty seven dollars food defeat a golden retriever gotta be
about thirty thirty eight hundred. So to me, that's what
(55:31):
it looks like. It literally looks like finding what makes
you happy and then doing everything you can to achieve
those things.
Speaker 6 (55:40):
Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (55:42):
That was a long spill, But I felt like I
was preaching, baby. I felt like I was in the
pool bit. Y'all know, in my mind, I'm a black
pastor at heart, but a gay one because I like
I lived my life as a gay man. So I
don't know, but these are all the things I like
to say that we do only have about seven minutes left.
(56:07):
By the way, y'all listens, I'm a black, gay pastor
that used to play in the NBA. That is the
type of life that I'm living right now. You know
what I mean. Well, we do have about seven minutes left.
(56:28):
So I do want to allow anyone here to ask
questions from any part of the book and let me
know your thoughts, your concerns, what you liked, what you
didn't like. Oh, by the way, however, guess what I
(56:52):
just found, Because to bitch, I love a Google drive.
I found my letter to myself so I will let
you know.
Speaker 4 (57:02):
What.
Speaker 1 (57:02):
The first version of my letter to myself in the
power portion of this book was the post to read
like mind you. At the end, I said, what are
your thoughts of adding affirmations? Do you think it's necessary?
Clearly I ended up adding affirmations into another part of
the book, But this was the letter that I would
(57:25):
have written to myself that did not make the book.
But here we go, dear self, as you reflect on
the winding path of finding yourself within all of your
interpersonal relationships and sexual escapades, there's a gentle wisdom that
whispers within, a voice of forgiveness and understanding, guiding you
(57:48):
through all of your experiences, even the fucked up ones.
You've weathered storms of poor decisions, navigated treacherous waters with resilience,
and emerge on the shores of self discovery. You've allowed
yourself the grace. Oh yeah, I use that word to
pick yourself up from the stumbles, grieve the loss of
(58:10):
the person you once were proud to be, and gain
the knowledge of how to navigate this place called Earth
aka Hell. It's easy to place the blame on someone
or something else. It's easy to not take the accountability
of how you may have been a key part to
the frustrations that existed within moments of your life. It's
(58:33):
easy to play the victim, but you know what's not
easy life. It's crucial not to assign blame to external
forces or past experiences, but rather to embrace the power
of self, self awareness, and personal agency. By acknowledging and
rising above the traumas and shortcomings of both your childhood
(58:54):
and past, you get to reclaim the narrative of your life.
These experiences do not define your worth or potential. Instead
they serve Instead, they serve as stepping stones on the
path to self discovery and empowerment. Embrace your journey with
a sense of purpose and reflection, understanding that your resilience
(59:16):
and strength can shape a future filled with unlimited possibility
and growth. Bitch is tattooed on your hand. Definition of
insanity Albert Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same
thing over and over expecting a different result. Forgiveness is
(59:37):
a gift you give upon yourself, a beacon of light
that illuminates the shadows of past mistakes. It is in
these moments, however, a reflection, that you find solace in
knowing that growth springs forth from the seeds of understanding
the woman before you. The pioneers of sexual liberation face
(59:58):
their own trials and tribula, and they shattered societal norms,
challenged conventions, and carved out spaces for themselves in a
world that sought to confine them. Your ancestors, though living
centries ahead of you, navigated the same issues within themselves
and relationships with some crueler stipulations. Your elders, like your
(01:00:19):
mom and her mom and her mom, did the very
best that they could, like you're doing now. So take
pride in the woman you've become, for she's a testament
to your strength and your journey. Embrace the scars of
your past as badges of honor, reminders of battles fought
and lessons learned. You've weathered many storms and foul moments
(01:00:40):
of clarity. That's truly been your gift to learn from
the mistakes you've made and to problem solve a way
to never find yourself in those same places again. So
celebrate the progress you've made, the hurdles you've surmounted, and
love and the love you've given yourself along the way.
As you gaze towards the horizon. Remember that the tohead
is still unfolding, calling you towards new adventures and new discoveries.
(01:01:05):
I wanted to put new dicks and new pussies there,
but that was crossed out. Just so you know. In
this moment of reflection and gratitude, may you find peace
in the knowledge that the past does not define you,
but rather shapes the beautiful person of who you are becoming.
I know, I know all of this is easier said
than done, but think of it as the puzzles you
(01:01:27):
use to love to put together with Granny. That's my
grandma who passed by the way. Your journey is like
the thousand piece puzzle, where each piece represents a unique
aspect of your being, including your sexuality, experiences, and personal growth.
Just like fitting together the puzzle pieces requires patience, persistence,
and an eye for detail sodas understanding and embracing your sexuality.
(01:01:50):
Some pieces may be challenging to place, symbolizing the struggles
that you face along the way with partners and understanding
of your needs. However, is each piece falls right into
its place, you unlock a clear picture of the extraordinary
individual you are becoming and can be embrace the process, religion,
the journey, and revel in the beauty of the intricate
(01:02:13):
masterpiece that is your life with love Mandy B. So
that was what I like pin together to say to myself,
and it didn't make the book. But in terms of
writing this book, through the therapy, through my many of
(01:02:36):
hours sitting with tempests, through the tears, through all the
things that is, that was initially how the book would
have ended. But I think we wanted to end the
book speaking to you and not just to ourselves. I
will possibly post that on both patreons. So thank you
guys so very much for tuning in to this last
(01:03:00):
installation of our book club. I want to thank you
guys so very much. Thank you guys for supporting us.
And if you haven't yet, make sure you cop No
Holds Barred. By the way, if you're in Atlanta, August fourteenth,
Barnes and Nobles, Buckhead eight to nine point thirty, we
are doing something a little bit differently. Yes, we'll sign
(01:03:21):
your goddamn books. We have a moderated conversation, but what
it is is a celebration. So since we're not touring,
y'all know the meet and greets used to come at
a hafty price. This is your chance to not only
meet and greet with us. It's an intimate space. I'm
trying to see if they gonna let us have some
liquors so we could do champagne tos. We're not touring,
so i want y'all to celebrate with us in making
(01:03:42):
New York Times bestseller and connecting with both of us.
It will be both Weezy and I So for anyone
who even came to the first one, the entry is
just a book, but bring your old books. I'm also
looking to see I'm looking to give any books that
people do not want to the Women's Studies department over
at Spelman. If you guys want to come, you'll be
(01:04:04):
supporting either donating books to Spelman, but you'll be celebrating
with us. It's gonna be recorded. I'm hoping y'all could
drink with us, because y'all know I like a cute
little drink. But it's gonna be intimate. We'll get the
capacity because it is at the Barnes and Nobles and Buckhead,
but it's eight pm because we know y'all bit got jobs.
Eight pm to nine thirty on a Thursday, bitch. If
(01:04:25):
I can sneak in pickleback shots, I will anyways. Guys,
thank y'all so very much for tuning and we hope
to see you all Jesus next week in Atlanta. Thank
you guys so much.
Speaker 2 (01:04:37):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (01:04:40):
Selective Ignorance a production of the Black Effect podcast Network.
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 7 (01:04:51):
Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.
Selective Ignorance. It's executive produced to buy Mandy B. And
it's a Full Court Media studio production with lead producers
Jason Rodriguez.
Speaker 1 (01:05:01):
That's me and Aaron A.
Speaker 2 (01:05:02):
King Howard.
Speaker 7 (01:05:03):
Now, do us a favor and rate, subscribe, comment, and
share wherever you get your favorite podcasts, and be sure
to follow Selective Ignorance on Instagram at Selective Underscore Ignorance.
And of course, if you're not following our hosts man
Dy B, make sure you're following her at Full Court Pumps.
Speaker 1 (01:05:19):
Now.
Speaker 7 (01:05:19):
If you want the full video experience of Selective Ignorance,
make sure you subscribe to the Patreon It's Patreon dot
com backslash selective ignorance,
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