July 25, 2025 • 66 mins
In this emotionally layered bonus episode of Selective Ignorance, Mandii B leads a courageous conversation around the realities of sexual exploration, trauma, and the path to healing. With vulnerability at the forefront, the discussion leans into the complicated truths of consent, abortion, and sexual assault, centering personal stories as both testimony and release.
[00:00] The episode opens with a raw unpacking of the emotional and physical consequences that can come with early sexual exploration, including how societal pressures and lack of proper education shape formative experiences.
[19:52] The conversation shifts toward the topic of abortion, with the hosts reflecting on how personal choice is often weighed down by shame, judgment, and unspoken grief.
[32:28] Childhood memories and family dynamics are revisited, illuminating how early emotional environments influence later relationships, self-worth, and personal boundaries.
[35:48] The topic of abortion returns through the lens of cultural and societal expectations, calling out the stigmas that persist and the silence they impose.
[37:52] The discussion deepens with an unflinching look at the impact of sexual assault and the long shadow it can cast, exploring how trauma affects intimacy, trust, and identity.
[48:45] As the episode closes, the conversation comes full circle—examining how childhood wounds, both seen and unseen, often reemerge in adult relationships, and how acknowledging those wounds is the first step toward healing.
At its core, this episode is a powerful reminder that healing is nonlinear, often messy, but always possible. Through open dialogue, self-reflection, and empathy, Selective Ignorance offers a safe space for reclaiming power, rewriting narratives, and finding strength in the process.
“No Holes Barred: A Dual Manifesto Of Sexual Exploration And Power” w/ Tempest X!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Trigger warning.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
This episode includes discussions around sexual assault, abortion, and trauma.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Listener discretion is advice. Welcome back, y'all to.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Another bonus episode over here on selective ignorance. In this
bonus episode, we are delving deep into a powerful and
sometimes uncomfortable truth, the consequences of sex. And this is
stemming from the pain portion in the No Holds Barred,
a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power book now
(00:35):
in New York Times bestseller. And while pleasure can be beautiful, transformative,
and even liberating for many.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Of us, it doesn't always come without a cost.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Sometimes pleasure intertwines with pain, consequences, and unforeseen circumstances that
challenge us profoundly. In this episode, we're honoring my stories
in the book, as well as other stories from women
of all walks of life who experience those growing pains
they hid in bruises and invisible scars left by choices, circumstances,
(01:06):
and actions beyond their control. From navigating complex emotions surrounding consent,
to confronting trauma from sexual assault, and grappling with the
difficult decisions and emotions surrounding abortion, this is a space
where truth is met with compassion and strength. Healing isn't linear.
It's messy, it's painful, and it's deeply personal. Yet in
(01:28):
that very pain lies resilience. On this episode, we'll explore
the empowering journey of unlearning shame, of forgiving yourself for
decisions you've made or did it make, and perhaps hardest
of all, forgiving those who cost harm. This episode isn't
just about acknowledging trauma. It's about illuminating the path toward healing,
reclaiming your story, and finding empowerment in your vulnerability, because ultimately,
(01:53):
there's power in facing the consequences, embracing the pain alongside
the pleasure, and emerging stronger, wiser, and more whole. Let's
step into this conversation together, gently and bravely. This is
the second part of Maybe Bee's book club for No
(02:15):
Holds Barred, a dual manifesto, a sexual exploration of power
the New York Times bestseller I'm really excited. I guess
trigger warning at the top. Here we are going to
be getting into the pain portion of the book, where
those chapters are called Can I Put Your Penis in
(02:40):
a Cage? Which I'm glad we're starting there. That's gonna
be kind of my BDSM chapter mixed with what community
has looked like for me. It's a little bit for me,
my love my love letter to New York. And so
I'll get into that a little bit and then and
it's followed by why don't they just call it a vacuum?
Speaker 1 (03:05):
That is.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
That is the chapter around abortion, which to me was
a chapter that was always going to be put into
this book.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
And we'll talk about that, and then we're gonna get
into well, what were you wearing?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
This is a chapter that includes a story that you
guys clearly know from the podcast, another thing that I
learned from having the podcast, and then also an incident
that I've never shared on the pod that brought this
chapter to me full circle in the strangest of ways
(03:45):
that literally made me cry that I had to have
therapy about. So I'm gonna get into that chapter as well.
But first we're not gonna start off so dark. First
we're gonna get into can I Put your Penis in
a cage?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
And that chapter really is about the three times I.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Went to a sex dungeon and experienced three different ways
of the art around pleasure.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
The art of sex.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
And the funny thing about this is this chapter completely
changed because this full chapter, I don't know if you
guys remember from our last book club portion when we
first started writing the book and when we did the
proposal for the book, I was still with soulmate, I
was with my ex, and so this chapter was supposed
(04:43):
to be literally in the progression portion of the book,
and it was going to be about finally trust, like
trusting a partner, letting my guard down, and the whole
chapter was really supposed to be about the one time
that I put his peanut in a cage and we
found trust and it ignited our relationship in a way,
(05:04):
and Bitch, clearly, by the time we really got to
write in a book, we broke up. And I was like,
I actually had a traumatic moment about this specific chapter
because and I'm gonna try to see if I could
also find the therapy session around it, because I recorded
(05:24):
my therapy.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
But this specific chapter was supposed to be this eye.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Opening way of forming a bond with a person, letting
guards down, open up, opening up to allow each other
to trust each other more. And so because of what
the chapter was supposed to be and where we kind
of ended up in our relationship. I just remember having
(05:52):
to go to therapy and be like, this was such
an amazing night, and I can't enjoy it because that
nigga was a betraying as cheating as fuck ass nigga,
And so a part of me was like, how do
I remember the beauty of this moment even though it's
attached to someone who went against what that moment.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Was supposed to be.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
So the moment was supposed to be about actually trusting somebody, Bruh,
he was cheating. It was supposed to be about like
opening up about our boundaries and the things that we
were scared to do, but that we allowed each other
to do. Electro play bitch. I always thought that was
some white people shit, and I was.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Like, nigga, you ain't. I don't want no electricity near me.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
It was funny because on our way there, we talked
about things we wouldn't do, like what we didn't feel
safe doing, what we weren't interested in doing.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
And literally, while we.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Sat there with Troy is when we both decided to
experience the things that we the two things that we
both said we weren't comfortable doing, but with each other,
and so this chapter was supposed to be this magical moment,
and I couldn't write about it in that way.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
It was like there was a whole block about it.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
And so when we broke up and we revisited this
chapter still being in there, I was talking to Tempest
and I was telling her about the different.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Times I went to a dungeon because I was like, well,
we know we want BDSM here.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
And as I was talking about it, like I told her,
I said, the first time I went with King Noir
and I got to see him learn how to flog
and how to pleasure someone in a painful way but
in a respectful way, and know the boundaries and what
would hurt for good sensation not bad sensation. Then literally
the next time it was during a fucking block tech
(07:48):
weekend where I got to sit with strangers and we
all opened up about our sexual experiences.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Then it was literally with my ex.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
And so as I'm talking about the tempence is just like,
what the fuck, let's write about all three moments because
they're all so different. And then I was just also
wanting to lean into the fact that probably none of
y'all bitches yes be jealous.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Can say y'all been to a dungeon three different times
and experience it.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Okay, maybe Jasmine, but there's not many people that can
say they've they have a friend who teaches porn stars
how to do impact play.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
And so as I'm talking about the moments in this.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Space that were so beautiful to me, which you guys,
if you got the masterclass, you got to actually see it.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
For me, this chapter became about my.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Privilege of experiencing this lifestyle quote unquote, because I'm in
New York. I don't think I meet this space of people,
not only without New York, but without horrible decisions. I
don't think me and King Noir have a friendship if
it's not for horrible decisions. And then I don't get
(09:09):
to meet Troy, who has gone far beyond just someone
who happens to own a dungeon, like we go and
eat sushi together. She's actually been to the Nude Beach
with me and my ex. So she's been a part
of like my personal life in ways. And this chapter
(09:31):
to me was important because if we're talking about almost
the consequence of pleasure, pain seems to be one that's inevitable, right,
whether it's heartbreak, whether it's a big old dick stretching
me out, whether it's you know, an abortion or whatever.
And so for both Weezy and I, it was important
(09:54):
to put the pleasures of pain in the pain section
as well, which is why we both had a BDSM chapter.
I would like to open it up specifically for this
chapter to know if you had any questions. Again, if
any of you guys got to go through the master
(10:16):
course and see and see Troy and see the space,
if it helped you guys envision with this chapter looked
like if I did a good job describing it, because
again I think we have this idea of what a
dungeon looks like, and to me, yes, with the right lights,
(10:36):
you can set the mood, but it's still just a
room with all of these toys, and it's literally toys,
but like the toys.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
That have your jaw on the ground.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
But then also get you really really excited, like a
fucking kid in a candy store.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
So for me, this chapter ended up being easy.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
This was one of the last towards the end that
I ended up writing again because I was like, I
don't want to talk about a good moment with my
axe he broke my heart, but I found a way
to take the joy of that moment and put it
into the book. By the way, I do want to ask,
(11:20):
just because I called her out, Jasmine.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
What what like? What has been your experience in a dungeon? Like?
Speaker 2 (11:28):
And I know you haven't read the book yet, but
I do want to know, like you're if you have
good experiences from like a psychological aspect of being in
a dungeon, Like, damn, I'm in a dungeon.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
And I know many.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
People aren't able to do this, And maybe you ain't
been in a dungeon, bitch, I just feel like you have.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
Though I have been in at least three dungeons, right, okay,
And I always feel like being in that environment you
feel safer, more accepting. Everybody kind of is into the
(12:12):
same thing or at least similar things, where you know,
it feels like non judgmental, any sort of play, any
sort of things that might seem weird to like vanilla
people or people who aren't as able to explore you know,
(12:36):
it's it's more accepting. It it's easier to trust. Yeah.
For example, like when you had the party for the
last live show in La and Oh, go ahead to
share a gear, and Sir Marvelous blindfolded me. That was
the first time I'd been blindfolded since I was stealth
Wait seriously, yeah, because you know in the environment you
(13:01):
feel comfortable that, like I know that nothing bad is
going to happen because I'm in the good hands of
sort of Marvelous and I'm in this environment with whoores
you watched me?
Speaker 4 (13:10):
Like?
Speaker 5 (13:10):
Thanks?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
And did I was there? Yeah, there was a show
being put on.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
I do want to ask you, if you don't mind,
And the last chapter, of course, I include my stealthy experience,
which we'll get into, but I do want to ask
you what was the conversation with you and Sir Marvelous.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Was he aware that.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
That blindfold moment for you included a traumatic past experience
and how how were you able to did you share
that or did you not?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Like? What was that conversation? Like I did briefly tell him.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
I was like, oh, He's like are you comfortable?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
He asked, like every step of the way, are you
comfortable with this? Are you comfortable with this?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
He would even like, uh, let put put the thing
that he was going to spank me with, like across
my body and like, is this the material that's comfortable?
So and he asked me, is like, I have a blindfold?
Can I put it on you? And I let him
know I have not used a blindfold in years because
I was violated, but I trust you, so you may.
Speaker 6 (14:14):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Wow, Okay. Shout out to Sir Marvelous.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
I'm excited because he's going to be on the Jamaica
trip with me Choco Bliss in Jamaica, and I think
I'm going to try to get into the position that
Jasmine was at at this very party because it just
was great.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
And Jasmin, thanks for the show, and thanks for like also.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Being open to being a in a public environment like
that and experience something that does bring.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Possibly flashbacks.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
I mean, I think that that's why I didn't like
the pillowcase over my head like with my ex, and
I shared that on the pod, but blindfolding is kind
of like a no note for me now too because
of that experience.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
But thank you.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
And then I did want to also add, if you
guys haven't gone back into the archive of horrible decisions,
I did also end up getting able to experience a
dungeon in Orlando, and at that dungeon. I did electro
play again and got suspended, so I got Shabari suspended,
(15:26):
and then they did the electro play on my skin
on the outside, so I got I was getting zapped,
and so yeah, only in a dungeon do I feel like,
I don't know if I want anyone to deal with
electro play outside of a dungeon. For me, again, I
guess it brings the safety about it, like and clearly
you're dealing.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
With quote unquote professionals.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
I also feel like, now after going to dungeons, I
would love to know how these guys do this in
a regular bedroom setting, Like do they just pull out
these fucking chords and shit like even Shabari, Like when
I think of kink stuff, because I've now got to
partake in it in such non conventional environments. For me now,
(16:11):
I'm so confused that how these things get brought about,
Just like I can't imagine my bedroom being like doing
some of these things, which is crazy, like no girl
gotta go to a sex fub, gotta go to a dungeon,
gotta go to Jamaica. Like it's crazy that I feel
like kink there's like a party around kink essentially, but
(16:33):
again I think I luckily got to experience that solely
because of New York. I will say that is what
was also kind of removed from this chapter at one point,
which I wish could have gone back into it.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Weezy had a whole love letter to New York.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
And so it seemed like they were too similar, so
me talking about my love for New York got kind
of taken out of this chapter. Ironically, that entire chapter
of Wheezy's got canned, so her love letter chapter to
New York was removed from the book, which, in hindsight,
(17:21):
I wish once that got removed, I could have revisited
this chapter specifically to tie in more of the community
elements that I got to experience between Soussia, between like
being able to like meet people that are open and
swinging and Polly and going to the nude beach, there
were so many other more introductions to lifestyle and community
(17:46):
by living in New York that I don't think I
would have got to experience being in any other city.
And it's just unfortunate that it kind of like got
got a little bit removed from this and by the
time we chapter got canned, it was towards she had
two weeks to write new chapters, so I didn't. I
(18:06):
wasn't in a place to want to go in and
now get back into the process of chapters that I
had completed essentially. But if I could have added anything
more to this chapter, it would have been more of
a of a nod to New York in the environment
that it creates to allow you to explore your sexuality
like probably no other city except maybe The Bay. I
(18:30):
feel like The Bay is another city that really allows
people to live out out right in whatever sexuality, whatever label,
in whatever way they want. So yeah, okay, Jasmine, you
wrote something in the chat. Do you want to explain
(18:52):
that real quick too? She She just put this and
I would love to look it up. But the seven
mindfulness practices of lifestyle.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Is that lifestyle.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
No, Actually it's from my depression therapy boot camps that
I'm in right now. But they're mindful steps. So it's
a mindfulness practice and each step non judging, patience, beginner's minds,
trust in yourself, non striving, acceptance, and letting go. If
(19:29):
you practice the mindfulness of what those foundations are like,
you can apply them to anything in your life, and
you know it.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Would be including sexuality. I think that.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
The sexuality. Yeah, it's a it's a very good packet
that I'm working on.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Girl, I like that bag. You might need to send
that back and all. Now, speaking of packets, you get
packets from plant parenthood, and here we are. That's the
transit to the next goddamn chapter. The next chapter is
why don't they call it a vacuum? If any of
you guys have come to the bookstores or heard let
(20:12):
me talk about this with Tempest. This was my first
full chapter I wrote after my intro. I don't know
if you guys listen to the episode with Tempest, but
the writing process for this Out the Gate.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Was a little nerve wracking for me. Having left See
the Thing Is, I was it was leaving See the.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Thing Is, and having toured with Tonight's conversation, I was
very insecure with my ability to to speak honestly, being
on a stage with like Kitty and Trip and these
guys that speak so fucking eloquently well about a myriad
(20:58):
of topics, and and then sitting next to my co host,
I'll See the Thing Is. For the three years that
we did, she so eloquently could put things in a
sentence that when it got to really getting ready to
write this book, I wasn't confident at all with what
(21:19):
it would sound like.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
So much so to wear I would be with Tempest.
We would record our meetings, and then from our recordings
she would go and try to write a chapter that
happened once we did it for my introduction. I'm gonna
find the introduction. It was terrible. I hated it. I
(21:42):
hated the cadence.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
I literally went to Tempest and said, I fucking hate
this shit. And you know what she said, Well, you
said you wanted to sound like you boy, did it
sound nuts that shit?
Speaker 1 (21:56):
I said, I don't want nobody reading this, oh ghetto
as rudimentary, terrible sound ass.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
I said, the way that I write is not how
I talk. And so she said, so then you write
the introduction, you tell me, like, show me your style,
and so I did, and when I came back, it
made me so confident that this next chapter was literally
the very first.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
One I wrote.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
I wrote this chapter probably in two days when I
got to finally sit down and write it. Because while
I didn't have to really have too much therapy around
it because I don't regret my abortion at all.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Bitch I would have never bitch I would have had
a baby by a gang banger. There is no regret
at all when it comes to my decision to having
an abortion. However, literally seventeen years had not had the
conversation with my mom, so.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
I may actually drop that on the Patreon. I did
an entire therapy session with my mom around the abortion,
and that's where she shared even the story of her
stepdad that I included in this chapter. So her first
abortion she didn't want, she actually wanted to keep the kids.
(23:30):
She was forced to have an abortion because she got
pregnant by a black guy and her stepdad made her
give it up, and just in a very cruel way.
And so when talking when preparing to write this chapter,
I felt it important to kind of call my mom
(23:53):
and like literally say, I know we haven't had this conversation,
but we should and if you don't mind him to
record it, and my therapist is going to be here.
And I think maybe Tempests was on as well, just
because Tempas needed to make notes for anything that she
thought we should include.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
And it was a lot.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
It was a lot to talk to my mom fully
about her abortion experience, her not being able to even afford.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
The money at the time, and my dad and his
response immediately.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
Mana said, uh, forgot, Did your mom not know you
had an abortion or you just didn't talk about her feelings?
Speaker 1 (24:44):
No, she was with me for the abortion. She we
just never spoke about it.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
A day later, like, literally, I I got the abortion.
I talk about the funny part too, where I couldn't
eat after the abortion. I felt like the abortion, maybe
not be able to eat and maybe it was just
like my internalized guilt. And so my mom gave me
fucking sugar pills, fucking placebo pills. Made it seem like
(25:14):
they was something she got from the hospital. It was like, oh,
here you go, these help with appetite, and bitch, never forget.
My first meal after my goddamn abortion was Arby's. Probably
the last time I also ate Arby's. We got roasty
fucking sandwiches.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Where's the meat, bitch, I shouldn't have been wanting the
goddamn meat after a goddamn abortion. Meat is what maybe
have a goddamn abortion. But the crazy part about that
is had the abortion got back to eating.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
The following week, I was at volleyball practice. It was
started a school year, and I just got right back
into the flow of things.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Uh taught to you have your your hand raised.
Speaker 7 (26:01):
Yes. So one, I love that your mom was just like, girl,
need a little something something that she got you to eat.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
That was beautifully played.
Speaker 7 (26:08):
On her end. Secondly, I know that you somewhat speak
of your sisters and the dynamics that you have with them,
But did you ever talk with them about the abortion
end or did your mom then go and talk with
them about anything?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Ooh, good question.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
So at the time, my youngest sister was maybe ten,
so it wasn't a conversation with her.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Also a conversation.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
We've never had today and she's now twenty eight, so
we have never had that conversation. And then me and
my other sister, we don't have a close relationship and
neither of them have ever had abortions. And the crazy
part about it is my sister, because of her her
(27:03):
health conditions, was told she would never really be able
to have a child to full term, and so there
was a conversation at one point where she couldn't even
connect to her baby for a certain amount of months,
and luckily she now has a healthy I got a
healthy ass, badass nephew.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
But it was interesting because, yeah, we've never talked about
that experience with me.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
Levette in the chat asked how long did you wait
to have sex? I think that was the part about
the chapter.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
To me.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
This pregnancy happened in my first year of fucking. I
was going into my eleventh grade year, so I was
maybe I think I was sixteen going into my eleventh
grade year, which would have I turned seventeen senior year eighteenth,
So yeah, I was sixteen years old literally, and my
(28:00):
first year of fucking, spent the fucking summer with Wheezy's ass,
went over and with some hot girls in Tampa, Florida, and.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Ended up pregnant. I think.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I think for me, the idea around even though I
was fucking at a young age, I was going to
school on time, I had good grades. I literally, in
my mind didn't think pregnancy would just happen to me
because I didn't think the universe would play in my
face because I was doing everything else right, like like
(28:35):
a dummy. That's probably why I don't believe in moons
of stars. Now, if we really want to dig deep
into it the whole tribe. Me bit y'all was doing
everything right. I was just getting some nuts or trying
to get nuts. I probably wasn't even really coming back then,
if I really think about what sex felt like.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
But yeah, a big part of me felt like, well,
you're not gonna get pregnant.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
That's not gonna happen to you. That happens to like
the fast bitches. And I didn't think I was having
enough sex to be considered fast.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Like there was all these just bullshit ideas in my
head around the time.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
So yeah, ooh, I love it. Melle and Brittany have questions. Mellie,
you could go first.
Speaker 6 (29:18):
So I don't really have a question. I just wanted
to say. So, I haven't had an abortion, but I
was a teen mom and hearing how you told your
mom once because I was listening to it on the audible,
and my heart just sunk the way you, you know,
told your mom that you were pregnant, and then hearing
about how your mom had to get an abortion because
(29:40):
her stepdad was racist. Well, I had the same experience,
not having to have the abortion, but my stepdad because
my stepdad's wife.
Speaker 7 (29:48):
So it was yeah, just hearing that it just like
took me back to all that.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Yeah, I think it.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
What it brought forth for me as well is that
after the initial emotions of I guess, anger, frustration, disappointment,
there were so many emotions around telling my mom. I
think her coming to me and really being like, you
sure you want to do this and me having to
(30:17):
be like, there's nothing more sure in my mind because
she didn't have really the option. In hindsight, I thought
that was strong of her to do, and for me,
I was just like, no.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Bitch, I don't want this shit. Girl. Let's go. We
go to the chap shop. Hope. I mean, okay, okay,
y'all know, I gotta make a little joke out of
this shit. It was dark, okay.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
I literally was crying doing the audiobook version of this chapter.
So Mellie, you telling me too while you're listening to it,
that like you felt it to me is so much
like and it means so much because this chapter did
bring about the most and having to talk to my
friend Kita.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Qita.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
If any of you guys were at the DC show,
she pulled up. She actually helped me with my periods
this campaign. We still talk It was hard to talk
for her for a while because that whole moved to Korea,
like who does that?
Speaker 1 (31:16):
But she moved to a career for some time.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Now she's back in the States, and for me talking
to her as an adult, we cried. One night she
came to New York. We went and got drinks and bitch,
I think we got too drunk. But at that time,
her dad had just passed, and so she was helping
her mom keep afloat the house, and literally she knew
(31:41):
my pride and she was just like, I can't believe
you're asking me, And like our connection since then and
even today and having to revisit what that moment meant
and how she made that happen for me, like we'll
never go without gratitude. But having the conversation with both
of them was probably the hardest reality check while writing
(32:05):
this book, because I had to really dig into how
my decisions impacted like two people I care about, my
friend and my mom. Brittany, you have either a question
or something to add.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Yeah, I actually had a question for you.
Speaker 8 (32:21):
It's kind of a two folk question, but at the
same time, the same question, okay, And it has to
do with resentment. Do you feel like pre therapy or
still now you kind of resented your mother for the
things you had to experience when you're younger, especially like
with the abortion and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
Not even you know what's crazy.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
I don't put the blame of the abortion on her,
But there was me and my mom just not just
because I would say, probably in my early twenties became
as cool as we are now. Me and my mom,
I resented her very much growing up because of the
(33:03):
lack of money we had. The baby daddy she chose,
so the father that I had in my life. I
blamed her for that. I blamed her for having to
start working as early as I did. I resented her
for wanting to leave the house so early and then
being forced into ways to make money that I'm not
(33:23):
proud of now.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
I resented my mom a lot.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
I don't know if I put it even put it
in the book, but I ran away from home in
middle school. Me and her got into a fight like
me and my mom fist fought. I resented her because
there were Christmases where we got Christmas gifts and food
line bags.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Like we didn't wake up excited about Christmas.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
We woke up and I got like a fucking I
think I did write about that. I got love and
basketball and coldest winter ever as a Christmas gift one
year with Candy.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
That was my Christmas. So I resent did like.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Her inability to provide and give me the life, which
is probably why a lot of look noat y'all make
me cry.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
This is still things I'm working through.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
I love my relationship with her now, but my relationship
with my mom was I just hated that we had
to go through so much hard shit, like her leaving
my dad. We ended up in a homeless shelter growing
up like there was a lot that I dealt with.
And I think you guys heard that in the episode
when Weezy brought her mom, it was I would have
(34:37):
loved the nuance of being able to share more of
our upbringing. Weezy didn't want to touch about growing up
with money. For me, it's funny because there's a there's
a movie coming out written by Disease and it's so
crazy because it's like with Keanu Reeves. I just saw
it on Kickki Pommer's page, and it's where he switches
lives with someone with money and it's literally like where
(34:59):
the the angel is, Like, money's not going to fix
all her problems, and when he gets money, it does.
And so there were so many elements of my upbringing
between my mom's decision and men, the money that she
was able to make, what we were really able to
do as a family, even like it was embarrassing to
me going to my friends' houses and they took vacations.
(35:22):
I got vacations as a child because of my friends.
They brought me on trips with them. So there was
just so much that I didn't get to experience, and
so I resented her for that. I never resented her
for my abortion. Honestly, I wish we would have had
more talks about sex and things like that, but to
(35:44):
be honest now as an adult, it wouldn't have mattered.
She didn't have the tools. She wasn't comfortable with herself.
I think from a security level, from what she thought
she was worthy of and what she received from men
and their treatment, I don't think she would have been
able to teach me anything honestly that would have been
worth anything because she wasn't She wasn't in a place
(36:07):
to do so. Truthfully, Brittany, thanks for making me cry.
Goddamn next question, what was the second part of the
goddamn question?
Speaker 8 (36:14):
Shit, I'm not accing. I ain't about to make you
cry again.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Well, no, that was a devote I mean, you canna
ask the next question. Shit, we already hear.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
I figured the pain portion of this book was going
to bring about certain things, because it did even in
the process.
Speaker 8 (36:30):
So I think I'm going to wait until we talk
about the assault tracker actually because I think what I'm
going to ask is kind of yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
Oh yeah, because there was a whole part in there
too with that. So yeah, for me, aside from knowing
that this was going to be a chapter that had
to be in the book, it was very important for
me to write it through the lens that I did
(36:59):
in showing my decision and my mom's abortion as well
with the reversal of Roe v.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
Wade. So in the process of writing this, it was maybe.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
A couple months after that took place, and so for me,
I wanted to add the stats in there. I wanted
to like make this be something to where I want
a conservative bitch to read this goddamn chapter and actually
feel something, because there's so many you know ways that
people think it's just like something that you do when
(37:33):
it kills a baby, and da da da da da.
And I wanted to include the fact that I felt
like playing parenthood was trying to get me to not
make that decision while in there already, Like so, there
were so many emotions around this, there were so many
people involved that I specifically wrote this chapter not only
with the stats, but with the intention that a conservative
(37:55):
motherfucker would read it and just feel something, because I
don't think that there's much feeling around the person that
actually makes the decision to go through with an abortion.
And so, Mellie, even for you having not been through
an abortion but being a teen mom and feeling something
from this chapter, I feel like that makes me, like
(38:17):
extremely happy that that was able to be portrayed in
this chapter.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Specifically, All right, now, shit, we're gonna get it to
the final chapter and then y'all know, I leave Q
and A at the end, but feel free during this
time too.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
Of course, ask questions in addition, especially if you read
the book already, even if you didn't anything that I say,
if you have questions, ask, So this chapter.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Was ironically quite easy for me to.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Write after I had processed everything. So for me, where
Weezi and I both knew we were going to share
of a sexual assault, we also felt it just important
to not only liberate women to have sex, but also
include what could happen or the consequences around just sex
(39:21):
in general. And then and so for me, I don't
know if y'all saw the themes of my book but
or of my chapters, but I wrote it from a
sense of how my mind has like transformed over the years,
the way my mind thought at a younger age compared
(39:42):
to when certain instances happened and to now, it was
really important for me to kind of chronologicalize these things.
And so what's crazy is I start this chapter off
talking about being God, God's favorite. Y'all know, I think
I'm God's favorite because I'm blessed with a three maybe
three and a half day period and so for y'all
(40:06):
with seven the devil love y'all, but God love me, okay.
And so there was this thing for me around even
in expressing my sexuality and my sexual nature, even on
horrible decisions, there was almost a badge of honor in
(40:28):
being able to say nope, I'm a free coke because
I want to be, not because I was assaulted or.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
Molested or none of these things happened to me.
Speaker 2 (40:35):
And I started the chapter off with the train incident
because y'all know the podcaster. He didn't get his name
in here. I wasn't gonna do that for his ass.
But when I got sexually assaulted at I think I
(40:57):
was I had to be twenty seven because I was
on my way back from work. Sharing how that took
place and how I froze was important for me. Sharing
how people thought I should expect it with the brand
that we have was important for me.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
And even when it happened.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
If y'all remember me sharing this story, even on the
podcast and the aftermath with the podcaster, I literally thought
this was my first sexual assault. I literally did said
fuck it happened at twenty seven, fuck like, well, at
least I got to go this whole.
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Time, you know, I ah, and mind you, that's at
the moment it happened.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
I think shortly after that, if I was twenty seven,
that was that happened about twenty seventeen.
Speaker 1 (41:53):
I think twenty seventeen twenty eighteen.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Is when Weezy and I learned the word stealthing, and
so knowing that that took place for me probably around
the age of twenty three twenty four, that was also
kind of like a damn.
Speaker 1 (42:10):
Not only did this happen at twenty three twenty four,
it also happened at eighteen with two different people. So
I don't want to convolute it.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
But I was also stealthed by an NBA player when
I was eighteen here in Atlanta. He was in town,
I was here. I went to see him. He removed it,
and I remember staying up all night because I was
fucking nervous because I had to wait for the Kroger
pharmacy to open to go get a Plan B. And
(42:39):
we never had sex again after that, but I ran
into him quite a bit in New York in other settings.
By the way, the guy in the in the book
that the NFL player I ran into recently as well,
And so it's like, it's weird because literally, I'm not
(42:59):
going to say where I was because I think it
would give it away who it is, and I don't
want to do that. I'm not that like again, I
think men still don't think stealthy. It's just not for
me to put that out there. But I was at
an event and a friend of mine was like, oh,
there goes so and so you're gonna go speak mind you.
(43:20):
This was during the process of writing the book, and
I literally was like, yeah, no, like we know each other,
but I'm not gonna go out of my way to
speak to this person because I am currently writing about
an incident, a violation with him.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
And I said, so, for me, I probably.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
Will never speak to this person again in person because
I'm experiencing, you know, a part of me that's overcoming
the violation while also completely confused because it was good
and he gave me money and I took it. So
(44:01):
I think for me, including that part of this was
important for me, and that's why I chose to share
this story and not the other one. This story specifically,
aside from being violated, it was important for me to
share that you could be violated and it could feel good,
and you could be confused as a woman, I know
(44:22):
sometimes like it's one or the other, like, well, it
was consensual and it was you liked it, so no, no,
no, no no, Like you can still absolutely feel violated and
have to process what took place, even if physically it
like that was a confusing one for me. But for me,
(44:44):
the part that I had to share in this book
specifically was what happened a couple summers ago, and I
hope that you guys were able to feel my panic.
I share a b out receiving a call from the
Orange County Sheriff's Department bitch, while I'm on the train,
(45:08):
and maybe it was a train with no goddamn service,
just know that. So I'm on the train, I get
this message. I see the transcript of the voice message,
and my mind immediately goes to they calling me to
tell me somebody did.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
And I immediately my.
Speaker 2 (45:26):
First two thoughts went to my youngest sister and my mom.
Those would be the two people that, oh my god,
my world would shatter. And so I'm immediately calling, not
getting through.
Speaker 1 (45:38):
I get a hold. Finally I go upstairs. I called
the sheriffs back. First, clearly I think.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
No, no, no, no, I think I get a hold of
my mom. My mom is good, my sister good. So
I called them back. Don't know why they're calling me,
And it was the strangest thing. Psychology is a motherfucker
to me. This was the almost most outer body experience
I've experienced in the last couple of years. I'm talking
(46:06):
to this sheriff and he's asking me if I know
this person, and I'm like no. So then he starts
confirming my identity, knows my name, my mama name, an
address I used to live at, and he's like literally
telling me. So I'm like, yeah, bitch, this this me,
But why the fuck you calling me? I don't know
(46:28):
who you're talking about. He was like, well, you are
a witness and a crime and I was like, yeah,
n I ain't ever been to court, like nigga, I'm
following the law. Nigga court like in my mind like
that was never anything. I was like, yeah, no, I
think you have the wrong person. So he goes back
to telling me that I'm a witness in the nineteen
(46:49):
ninety seven crime. I'm like, ninety seven, bitch, I was
six seven years old, Like yeah no, and y'all. The
weirdest thing he pulls out the police report is starts
reading my statement as a seven year old. And when
I tell you, I literally like like and look, it's
(47:14):
the most outer body experience because I've totally forgot about it.
And he's reading my statement to me, and I'm like,
oh shit. And I call my mom and I tell
her and she says, oh shit, it was not talked about.
We like it was just like a It was something
(47:37):
we just put in the back of our minds, like
we literally totally forgot it ever took place.
Speaker 1 (47:43):
And I'm like talking to my mom.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
My mom as I'm telling her, she's remembering the exact day,
talking to my babysitter, coming like leaving work, pulling up
and seeing all these cop cars outside of the Like
my mom didn't remember it, and she was like, oh shit, bitch.
We both put it in the back of my head.
And when I say in terms of anyone experienced something
(48:11):
as a child, me really being believing that I had
never experienced any level of an assault or any weird
shit happened sexually. And to know that that took place
at seven and this nigga was literally jacking his dick
outside of the goddamn daycare room for me and my
sister to watch, and like I've never like when people
(48:33):
say outer body experiences, bitch, his voice on the phone
turned to my voice. I swear to God, like it
was the weirdest weirdest experience, and then I sat with
my mom and talked about that and kind of wondered
why we never revisited it, but she wasn't there, and
then through therapy and everything, I didn't remember it. And
(48:59):
so I know, we talk a lot on the podcast
about all the things, but this literally happened while we're
talking about potentially having a book, and I was like, bitch,
I'm an get you told something that I ain't shared
on the pod before because this has to be new
for our audience. But for me to go from the
(49:20):
start of the chapter to twenty seven, to then go
back to being a seven year old and then learning
the word stealthing through the pod and realizing, shit, bitch,
you were violated at eighteen and twenty three as well,
for me was the full circle moment and how I
(49:40):
wanted to execute this chapter because it was important for
me to show the three very different violations that I experienced,
the three different ways I kind of work them through
my brain, and how I'm still kind of psychologically coming
out on top is like not allowing them, any of
(50:02):
them to define me, And so I hope that was
translated in this chapter. But for me, this was like
it was more of this chapter altogether was more of
an outer body experience to really being able to sit
(50:23):
with my experiences that I had had and how to
process them and then put them on paper.
Speaker 1 (50:29):
Uh, Tasi, you have a question.
Speaker 7 (50:33):
I know you'd be getting on me, but like you said,
all of it is kind of like Trier warning, and
sometimes I'm just still like processing of like, Okay, what
am I comfortable if I'm not comfortable? But literally, as
you said, psychology is just mind fucking in a good
way and in a bad way because you can experience
something then like live your like and then just literally
be walking down the street as I was and just
(50:55):
being like, wait a minute, I don't know what triggered
this thought into memory, but like that happened, and then
kind of even Wheezy has said on some instances like
well I don't want people to think that like I'm
making this up because it just came out of like
nowhere in or maybe I'm retelling it from different standpoints.
But then it's just like again your brain trying to
(51:16):
protect you from the trauma and not knowing what is what.
It's truly mind boggling. But like you said, receiving that
phone call and it all coming back one day. I
don't know what was happening in or what I was doing,
but dancy didn't happen when I was in second grade
to around six or seven literally at Georgia State. My
law Wislims walking by Peedemont whatever. And then I'm like
(51:38):
it could. I'm also major in psychology, so I don't
know if we were just talking about things and it
was just opening boxes in the brain, but I'm just.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
Like, hold on the fuck.
Speaker 7 (51:47):
And then I just started like crying because just realizing
everything that happened and then wasn't like blaming my mom
because I never blamed my mom for joining the military,
That's how she provided a life for me. But this
happened while she was stationed overseas and placed me under
some knowlse his care And so I'm just like then
having to have that conversation with my mom, like again
not blaming her, but knowing that it.
Speaker 1 (52:09):
Was going to break her heart.
Speaker 7 (52:10):
Knowing that like it was just so mind fucking but
like reading it, like you said, you had never shared
that on the podcast, and so like reading it, I'm
just like, what happened?
Speaker 1 (52:23):
I think that thank you for that, and thank you
Tazi for sharing.
Speaker 2 (52:27):
I don't think that the conversation happens, and it's unfortunate
with everyone like you know how between Bill Cosby and
all of these celebrities where there's blame on well what
took you so long to share, or well, why didn't
you say something when it happened. I think that we
don't talk about how our brain maybe does protect ourselves
(52:50):
and shutting the door on what actually happened. I think
that there's an element of self blame that we are doing.
Then it's feeling like we're not gonna get justice, so
what's the point of telling? And there's like there's all
these different battles internally that you have that I think
(53:11):
creates our brain to put it in the box in
the back of our head, and unfortunately, there's moments that
can trigger and open that door up and it floods
because a lot of us don't work through what actually happened.
We just set it in the back and hope that
we can forget about it, because a lot of us
want to forget that certain things ever happened. And in
(53:32):
this instance, I didn't even know my little my little
version of myself did that.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
I didn't. I didn't know. I look, it literally happened
like that. I didn't know. And so I.
Speaker 2 (53:44):
Think for this chapter and even Wheezy's, it was just
important all around for us to include this in a
book about sexual exploration, because it's something that is possible.
Unfortunately with these niggas, these days might be inevitable, and
I hate that for so many of us. But also
it could be the smallest of things that makes you
(54:06):
feel violated and now you as a person are set
to just deal with it in whatever way it looks
like dealing with it, and that kind of sucks. It
sucks because it's hard to talk about. It's hard to
continue to push through and live on. It's hard to
enjoy sex after experience some of these things. But we
(54:28):
want to enjoy sex, and it becomes difficult. It becomes difficult,
and I think for me, it's why I lean so
much into talking about community, my upbringing, my Caribbean background,
and in this chapter specifically, how upset I was that
all three of my violators technically four because I didn't
(54:49):
include the other were black men, and mind y'all, I
ain't never even had pink dick, I'll.
Speaker 1 (54:54):
Be like, ooh, don't want it. Give me a black man.
Speaker 2 (54:58):
And what's crazy is literally championing black men, being the
safe space for them and having also having to work
through being violated by them. Is where me, my mom,
and my sister are currently at in therapy even and
it sucks because bitch, that's who I'm attracted to, and
so it becomes difficult.
Speaker 1 (55:18):
And it might be why I don't know.
Speaker 2 (55:20):
Somebody on Patreon today called me an avoided a dismissive avoidant.
I'm looking into what it means, by the way, and
I think it is kind of right. But I'm also
realizing that it may be also another defense mechanism that
I don't realize I'm putting up because I'm having this
toggle of my brain between wanting to be safe with
(55:41):
a black man and having experienced so many moments of unsafety.
Speaker 1 (55:46):
Naomi, you have your hand raising. Y'all know we're about
to wrap this up, so if anyone has any questions
or thoughts on the pain portion of No Holds Barred,
please feel free to tap in. Naomi.
Speaker 5 (56:01):
Yeah, when you said you know all of this sucks
and is it is some things you got to like
dive deep into especially when you find yourself getting triggered.
And I like, when I started with my healing journey
as the Moon and Stars, people say, uh, when I
started going to therapy and getting into spiritual groups and
(56:22):
you know, digging all that stuff up and even some
of the things that you don't remember. I hated it.
And I hated talking about my childhood, Like I don't
want to talk like everything that happened that was happening
in my present day, you know, even the abusive relationships
and all of that. Everything was like, so tell me
about your childhood. So I'm like, why do we have
to keep talking about that shit?
Speaker 1 (56:44):
I don't want to talk about that shit.
Speaker 5 (56:46):
But it's it's that's that's where I feel like. That
was like, uh to me, it was like, oh, that
was a setup. You know, that was where everything that
happened as I grew up was set up in my childhood.
So if I want to change change the patterns and
how I relate and how I present myself and all
of that, everything is rooted back in the childhood. And
(57:07):
that really pissed Naomi.
Speaker 1 (57:09):
That is a bar and why almost every chapter I
go back to that this book. This book made me
for the first time I was in therapy for four years.
I think the first three years of my therapy. You
ready not one ounce to talk about my childhood.
Speaker 2 (57:25):
Really, this book real, This book made me tap into
actually speaking and telling my therapist about my childhood. To me,
I'm like, bitch, I'm dealing with just how to work
with Weezy, how to work with Bridget, how to like
it's my day to day girl, I'm working on the
debt on today.
Speaker 1 (57:41):
We ain't got to go back to the past, girl.
The past is done.
Speaker 2 (57:44):
And it wasn't until this book and I had to
touch on these different things that I was like a bitch.
Speaker 1 (57:50):
Childhood, Yeah, my mom and my daddy, like so much
of it was rooted in that.
Speaker 5 (57:56):
Yeah. But I think for me it was because of
my mother and my sister. I had a big problem
with my mom and my sister because they were still
in domestic violence relationships when I was in my thirties
and I was going to therapy because I had been
doing so much for them. Now whenever we were kind
of in the clear, then I could go back to
(58:16):
focusing on myself and I was like, I don't know
what to do with myself. And my doctor actually suggested
that I go to therapy from the stress, and so
that was the first thing that he asked.
Speaker 2 (58:27):
And I just cried, because you're leaving us off with
a bar.
Speaker 1 (58:32):
You gotta tap into the chada. Yeah, yeah, thank you
so much, Nailmi.
Speaker 5 (58:36):
The other book, I want to say, the other book
other than yours that really took me back to that
was The Body Keep Score is as good as that
book was.
Speaker 1 (58:44):
It triggered me so much.
Speaker 2 (58:46):
And okay, that Body Keep Score. Look at me, Melly
pulling out the notes. She is pulling out her notes.
Speaker 1 (58:54):
We have Melli, and then we're gonna end off with you,
Brittany Mellie.
Speaker 6 (59:01):
So I just wanted to say, listening to that chapter,
I was physically assaulted when I was a child. I
think I was like five, and you know, I didn't
tell anyone at the time, and then I was around
eight when I had told a cousin and then she
told my mom, and you know when they told him,
(59:21):
initially it was like a big deal, as it should be,
but it kind of got swept under the rug and
it wasn't until I was like twenty three that reopened it.
Speaker 1 (59:31):
And reached out.
Speaker 6 (59:34):
To see if there was anything we could do about
getting this guy some type of consequences. And I found
out that he had already had done.
Speaker 1 (59:42):
It, unfortunately to other young children.
Speaker 6 (59:44):
And yeah, uh, but you know, just and it's crazy
because the amount of people in here right now, just
because of the statistic, I'm sure there's a few other
of us in here who have experienced some type of
sexual assault. And when I was I think twenty six,
I experienced I was driving with my son in the
(01:00:06):
car and the man next to us had a his
laptop on his dash. It was jacking off watching porn
while we're driving. I'm driving him to school, and I'm like,
you know, I call the cops and try to get
them to find this guy. But I say all that
to say that hearing you talk about it, and hearing
even talk to say what she said, it gives some
(01:00:27):
type of comfort to know that you know, it's unfortunately
it's a shared experience, but at least you're not alone,
and you know you always have people to talk to
about it. But I did want to ask you, so
you said that this chapter was easy for you to write,
Was it easy for me to record?
Speaker 2 (01:00:52):
Maybe the again, the hearing my little voice when when
I got to what that outer body experience felt like
it was. This chapter was easier to record than the
abortion one, and then I think we'll get into it
next week. But the progression chapters were were my hardest
(01:01:12):
to write, to conceptualize, to face. So next week will
be a lot of like, well, we'll definitely lean into
the progression, but this chapter wasn't that hard to write. Now,
I think I've been healing through what actually took place
and happened, and I feel confident and those not being
(01:01:33):
triggers for me anymore. We ain't gonna be mad because
she got to start her shit like three minutes late.
But we're ending off with you, my love.
Speaker 1 (01:01:42):
Okay.
Speaker 8 (01:01:43):
The first thing I wanted to say was thank you
for being vulnerable when it came to this chapter, because
while I was well, I actually listened to it. While
I was listening listening to you speak about it, I
was like, oh shit, I feel like I'm being seen because.
Speaker 1 (01:02:03):
Oh no, I don't want to really.
Speaker 8 (01:02:05):
When it came to your train.
Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
Your Train chapter, it is, by the way, y'all, she's
not talking about a train ran on me. She's talking
about the subway where I was. I'm not from New York.
I'm not from New York. They know I might want
to train subway. Yes, the subway.
Speaker 8 (01:02:29):
It made me like I felt like I was being
seen for the first time because I really never really
talked about my situations, which I'm not really trying to
get into right now, because I actually had a question.
When you're saying, like it's said that all these assaults
that happened to you happened to you with black men,
how is it that you still because this is where
(01:02:51):
I'm struggling in my own personal life, how is it
that you are still able to be intimate with them
and have those intimate with who questionable black men?
Speaker 1 (01:03:00):
Question? Yeah, I don't know. I'm working with that. I
think it's why I disconnect.
Speaker 2 (01:03:07):
It might be why I need to drink to have sex,
like that's that's why I did the sober journey and
celibacy journey.
Speaker 1 (01:03:15):
I think that there is an attachment to.
Speaker 2 (01:03:19):
My drinking and sex specifically, I don't think I fully
feel safe with them. I don't feel like I want
to get too close to them. It may be why
I like, there's a lot of things I'm still currently
trying to work through and figure out honestly, So, I
don't think I have the answer to that. Yeah, I'm
able to suck some dick and have sex, but I
think on a deeper level, I'm not sure. And I
(01:03:44):
think that that's why my breakup with Soulmate hurt me
so bad, because I don't I don't think I ever
loved demand so much and he did.
Speaker 1 (01:03:52):
He did me wrong.
Speaker 2 (01:03:54):
He hurt me, like really bad on a psychological and
emotional level that I was like, damn. So I don't
know last question, because I know Wheezy about to be like, bitch,
I need to get on. Are you finding that you
still need to drink even now when being intimate? I
will be honest. This is me being honest with y'all.
(01:04:15):
I uh, double back to a nigga here in Atlanta,
and as soon as he walked through the door, I
made him do shots and it hit me he because
he literally.
Speaker 1 (01:04:27):
Said, damn, you gotta get drunk to fuck me.
Speaker 2 (01:04:31):
He said that to me, So I don't know, Like
that was kind of like a gut punch because it's like,
oh shit, is that what I'm doing? Is that why
I'm creating this environment right now with him, I don't know,
so I'm still working through that.
Speaker 1 (01:04:49):
Anyways, guys, uh, if you haven't yet join, join Wheezy's
thank you Dia.
Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
Thank you guys so much for joining the book club,
and make sure you subscribe to Selective Ignorance. There is
an episode every Tuesday where we dive into all of
the nuances and chaos of the discourse around everything under
the sun. But also I'm giving you bonus episodes every Friday.
Speaker 1 (01:05:15):
We have about two.
Speaker 2 (01:05:16):
More weeks of the book club and then we are
back to some ignorance Baby, So again, make sure you subscribe,
and make sure you head on over to our YouTube channel.
Speaker 1 (01:05:26):
At with Mandy b Baby.
Speaker 2 (01:05:29):
You're with me every week, so if you want to
see full videos of Selective Ignorance, make sure you head
on over and hit that subscribe button. And again, if
you want to join me for this book club, also
join the Patreon just for as little as five dollars
a month you are supporting the show. It's patreon dot
com backslash Selective Ignorance. See you guys next week. Selective
(01:05:54):
Ignorance a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For
more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 4 (01:06:04):
Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.
Selective Ignorance. It's executive produced Buy Mandy B. And it's
a full Court Media studio production with lead producers Jason Mondriguez.
That's me and Aaron A. King Howard. Now, do us
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(01:06:28):
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Selective Ignorance
Trigger warning.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
This episode includes discussions around sexual assault, abortion, and trauma.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Listener discretion is advice. Welcome back, y'all to.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Another bonus episode over here on selective ignorance. In this
bonus episode, we are delving deep into a powerful and
sometimes uncomfortable truth, the consequences of sex. And this is
stemming from the pain portion in the No Holds Barred,
a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power book now
(00:35):
in New York Times bestseller. And while pleasure can be beautiful, transformative,
and even liberating for many.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Of us, it doesn't always come without a cost.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Sometimes pleasure intertwines with pain, consequences, and unforeseen circumstances that
challenge us profoundly. In this episode, we're honoring my stories
in the book, as well as other stories from women
of all walks of life who experience those growing pains
they hid in bruises and invisible scars left by choices, circumstances,
(01:06):
and actions beyond their control. From navigating complex emotions surrounding consent,
to confronting trauma from sexual assault, and grappling with the
difficult decisions and emotions surrounding abortion, this is a space
where truth is met with compassion and strength. Healing isn't linear.
It's messy, it's painful, and it's deeply personal. Yet in
(01:28):
that very pain lies resilience. On this episode, we'll explore
the empowering journey of unlearning shame, of forgiving yourself for
decisions you've made or did it make, and perhaps hardest
of all, forgiving those who cost harm. This episode isn't
just about acknowledging trauma. It's about illuminating the path toward healing,
reclaiming your story, and finding empowerment in your vulnerability, because ultimately,
(01:53):
there's power in facing the consequences, embracing the pain alongside
the pleasure, and emerging stronger, wiser, and more whole. Let's
step into this conversation together, gently and bravely. This is
the second part of Maybe Bee's book club for No
(02:15):
Holds Barred, a dual manifesto, a sexual exploration of power
the New York Times bestseller I'm really excited. I guess
trigger warning at the top. Here we are going to
be getting into the pain portion of the book, where
those chapters are called Can I Put Your Penis in
(02:40):
a Cage? Which I'm glad we're starting there. That's gonna
be kind of my BDSM chapter mixed with what community
has looked like for me. It's a little bit for me,
my love my love letter to New York. And so
I'll get into that a little bit and then and
it's followed by why don't they just call it a vacuum?
Speaker 1 (03:05):
That is.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
That is the chapter around abortion, which to me was
a chapter that was always going to be put into
this book.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
And we'll talk about that, and then we're gonna get
into well, what were you wearing?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
This is a chapter that includes a story that you
guys clearly know from the podcast, another thing that I
learned from having the podcast, and then also an incident
that I've never shared on the pod that brought this
chapter to me full circle in the strangest of ways
(03:45):
that literally made me cry that I had to have
therapy about. So I'm gonna get into that chapter as well.
But first we're not gonna start off so dark. First
we're gonna get into can I Put your Penis in
a cage?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
And that chapter really is about the three times I.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Went to a sex dungeon and experienced three different ways
of the art around pleasure.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
The art of sex.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
And the funny thing about this is this chapter completely
changed because this full chapter, I don't know if you
guys remember from our last book club portion when we
first started writing the book and when we did the
proposal for the book, I was still with soulmate, I
was with my ex, and so this chapter was supposed
(04:43):
to be literally in the progression portion of the book,
and it was going to be about finally trust, like
trusting a partner, letting my guard down, and the whole
chapter was really supposed to be about the one time
that I put his peanut in a cage and we
found trust and it ignited our relationship in a way,
(05:04):
and Bitch, clearly, by the time we really got to
write in a book, we broke up. And I was like,
I actually had a traumatic moment about this specific chapter
because and I'm gonna try to see if I could
also find the therapy session around it, because I recorded
(05:24):
my therapy.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
But this specific chapter was supposed to be this eye.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Opening way of forming a bond with a person, letting
guards down, open up, opening up to allow each other
to trust each other more. And so because of what
the chapter was supposed to be and where we kind
of ended up in our relationship. I just remember having
(05:52):
to go to therapy and be like, this was such
an amazing night, and I can't enjoy it because that
nigga was a betraying as cheating as fuck ass nigga,
And so a part of me was like, how do
I remember the beauty of this moment even though it's
attached to someone who went against what that moment.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Was supposed to be.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
So the moment was supposed to be about actually trusting somebody, Bruh,
he was cheating. It was supposed to be about like
opening up about our boundaries and the things that we
were scared to do, but that we allowed each other
to do. Electro play bitch. I always thought that was
some white people shit, and I was.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Like, nigga, you ain't. I don't want no electricity near me.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
It was funny because on our way there, we talked
about things we wouldn't do, like what we didn't feel
safe doing, what we weren't interested in doing.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
And literally, while we.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Sat there with Troy is when we both decided to
experience the things that we the two things that we
both said we weren't comfortable doing, but with each other,
and so this chapter was supposed to be this magical moment,
and I couldn't write about it in that way.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
It was like there was a whole block about it.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
And so when we broke up and we revisited this
chapter still being in there, I was talking to Tempest
and I was telling her about the different.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Times I went to a dungeon because I was like, well,
we know we want BDSM here.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
And as I was talking about it, like I told her,
I said, the first time I went with King Noir
and I got to see him learn how to flog
and how to pleasure someone in a painful way but
in a respectful way, and know the boundaries and what
would hurt for good sensation not bad sensation. Then literally
the next time it was during a fucking block tech
(07:48):
weekend where I got to sit with strangers and we
all opened up about our sexual experiences.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Then it was literally with my ex.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
And so as I'm talking about the tempence is just like,
what the fuck, let's write about all three moments because
they're all so different. And then I was just also
wanting to lean into the fact that probably none of
y'all bitches yes be jealous.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Can say y'all been to a dungeon three different times
and experience it.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Okay, maybe Jasmine, but there's not many people that can
say they've they have a friend who teaches porn stars
how to do impact play.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
And so as I'm talking about the moments in this.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Space that were so beautiful to me, which you guys,
if you got the masterclass, you got to actually see it.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
For me, this chapter became about my.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Privilege of experiencing this lifestyle quote unquote, because I'm in
New York. I don't think I meet this space of people,
not only without New York, but without horrible decisions. I
don't think me and King Noir have a friendship if
it's not for horrible decisions. And then I don't get
(09:09):
to meet Troy, who has gone far beyond just someone
who happens to own a dungeon, like we go and
eat sushi together. She's actually been to the Nude Beach
with me and my ex. So she's been a part
of like my personal life in ways. And this chapter
(09:31):
to me was important because if we're talking about almost
the consequence of pleasure, pain seems to be one that's inevitable, right,
whether it's heartbreak, whether it's a big old dick stretching
me out, whether it's you know, an abortion or whatever.
And so for both Weezy and I, it was important
(09:54):
to put the pleasures of pain in the pain section
as well, which is why we both had a BDSM chapter.
I would like to open it up specifically for this
chapter to know if you had any questions. Again, if
any of you guys got to go through the master
(10:16):
course and see and see Troy and see the space,
if it helped you guys envision with this chapter looked
like if I did a good job describing it, because
again I think we have this idea of what a
dungeon looks like, and to me, yes, with the right lights,
(10:36):
you can set the mood, but it's still just a
room with all of these toys, and it's literally toys,
but like the toys.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
That have your jaw on the ground.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
But then also get you really really excited, like a
fucking kid in a candy store.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
So for me, this chapter ended up being easy.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
This was one of the last towards the end that
I ended up writing again because I was like, I
don't want to talk about a good moment with my
axe he broke my heart, but I found a way
to take the joy of that moment and put it
into the book. By the way, I do want to ask,
(11:20):
just because I called her out, Jasmine.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
What what like? What has been your experience in a dungeon? Like?
Speaker 2 (11:28):
And I know you haven't read the book yet, but
I do want to know, like you're if you have
good experiences from like a psychological aspect of being in
a dungeon, Like, damn, I'm in a dungeon.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
And I know many.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
People aren't able to do this, And maybe you ain't
been in a dungeon, bitch, I just feel like you have.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
Though I have been in at least three dungeons, right, okay,
And I always feel like being in that environment you
feel safer, more accepting. Everybody kind of is into the
(12:12):
same thing or at least similar things, where you know,
it feels like non judgmental, any sort of play, any
sort of things that might seem weird to like vanilla
people or people who aren't as able to explore you know,
(12:36):
it's it's more accepting. It it's easier to trust. Yeah.
For example, like when you had the party for the
last live show in La and Oh, go ahead to
share a gear, and Sir Marvelous blindfolded me. That was
the first time I'd been blindfolded since I was stealth
Wait seriously, yeah, because you know in the environment you
(13:01):
feel comfortable that, like I know that nothing bad is
going to happen because I'm in the good hands of
sort of Marvelous and I'm in this environment with whoores
you watched me?
Speaker 4 (13:10):
Like?
Speaker 5 (13:10):
Thanks?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
And did I was there? Yeah, there was a show
being put on.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
I do want to ask you, if you don't mind,
And the last chapter, of course, I include my stealthy experience,
which we'll get into, but I do want to ask
you what was the conversation with you and Sir Marvelous.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Was he aware that.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
That blindfold moment for you included a traumatic past experience
and how how were you able to did you share
that or did you not?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Like? What was that conversation? Like I did briefly tell him.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
I was like, oh, He's like are you comfortable?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
He asked, like every step of the way, are you
comfortable with this? Are you comfortable with this?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
He would even like, uh, let put put the thing
that he was going to spank me with, like across
my body and like, is this the material that's comfortable?
So and he asked me, is like, I have a blindfold?
Can I put it on you? And I let him
know I have not used a blindfold in years because
I was violated, but I trust you, so you may.
Speaker 6 (14:14):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Wow, Okay. Shout out to Sir Marvelous.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
I'm excited because he's going to be on the Jamaica
trip with me Choco Bliss in Jamaica, and I think
I'm going to try to get into the position that
Jasmine was at at this very party because it just
was great.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
And Jasmin, thanks for the show, and thanks for like also.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Being open to being a in a public environment like
that and experience something that does bring.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Possibly flashbacks.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
I mean, I think that that's why I didn't like
the pillowcase over my head like with my ex, and
I shared that on the pod, but blindfolding is kind
of like a no note for me now too because
of that experience.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
But thank you.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
And then I did want to also add, if you
guys haven't gone back into the archive of horrible decisions,
I did also end up getting able to experience a
dungeon in Orlando, and at that dungeon. I did electro
play again and got suspended, so I got Shabari suspended,
(15:26):
and then they did the electro play on my skin
on the outside, so I got I was getting zapped,
and so yeah, only in a dungeon do I feel like,
I don't know if I want anyone to deal with
electro play outside of a dungeon. For me, again, I
guess it brings the safety about it, like and clearly
you're dealing.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
With quote unquote professionals.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
I also feel like, now after going to dungeons, I
would love to know how these guys do this in
a regular bedroom setting, Like do they just pull out
these fucking chords and shit like even Shabari, Like when
I think of kink stuff, because I've now got to
partake in it in such non conventional environments. For me now,
(16:11):
I'm so confused that how these things get brought about,
Just like I can't imagine my bedroom being like doing
some of these things, which is crazy, like no girl
gotta go to a sex fub, gotta go to a dungeon,
gotta go to Jamaica. Like it's crazy that I feel
like kink there's like a party around kink essentially, but
(16:33):
again I think I luckily got to experience that solely
because of New York. I will say that is what
was also kind of removed from this chapter at one point,
which I wish could have gone back into it.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Weezy had a whole love letter to New York.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
And so it seemed like they were too similar, so
me talking about my love for New York got kind
of taken out of this chapter. Ironically, that entire chapter
of Wheezy's got canned, so her love letter chapter to
New York was removed from the book, which, in hindsight,
(17:21):
I wish once that got removed, I could have revisited
this chapter specifically to tie in more of the community
elements that I got to experience between Soussia, between like
being able to like meet people that are open and
swinging and Polly and going to the nude beach, there
were so many other more introductions to lifestyle and community
(17:46):
by living in New York that I don't think I
would have got to experience being in any other city.
And it's just unfortunate that it kind of like got
got a little bit removed from this and by the
time we chapter got canned, it was towards she had
two weeks to write new chapters, so I didn't. I
(18:06):
wasn't in a place to want to go in and
now get back into the process of chapters that I
had completed essentially. But if I could have added anything
more to this chapter, it would have been more of
a of a nod to New York in the environment
that it creates to allow you to explore your sexuality
like probably no other city except maybe The Bay. I
(18:30):
feel like The Bay is another city that really allows
people to live out out right in whatever sexuality, whatever label,
in whatever way they want. So yeah, okay, Jasmine, you
wrote something in the chat. Do you want to explain
(18:52):
that real quick too? She She just put this and
I would love to look it up. But the seven
mindfulness practices of lifestyle.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Is that lifestyle.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
No, Actually it's from my depression therapy boot camps that
I'm in right now. But they're mindful steps. So it's
a mindfulness practice and each step non judging, patience, beginner's minds,
trust in yourself, non striving, acceptance, and letting go. If
(19:29):
you practice the mindfulness of what those foundations are like,
you can apply them to anything in your life, and
you know it.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Would be including sexuality. I think that.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
The sexuality. Yeah, it's a it's a very good packet
that I'm working on.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Girl, I like that bag. You might need to send
that back and all. Now, speaking of packets, you get
packets from plant parenthood, and here we are. That's the
transit to the next goddamn chapter. The next chapter is
why don't they call it a vacuum? If any of
you guys have come to the bookstores or heard let
(20:12):
me talk about this with Tempest. This was my first
full chapter I wrote after my intro. I don't know
if you guys listen to the episode with Tempest, but
the writing process for this Out the Gate.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Was a little nerve wracking for me. Having left See
the Thing Is, I was it was leaving See the.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Thing Is, and having toured with Tonight's conversation, I was
very insecure with my ability to to speak honestly, being
on a stage with like Kitty and Trip and these
guys that speak so fucking eloquently well about a myriad
(20:58):
of topics, and and then sitting next to my co host,
I'll See the Thing Is. For the three years that
we did, she so eloquently could put things in a
sentence that when it got to really getting ready to
write this book, I wasn't confident at all with what
(21:19):
it would sound like.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
So much so to wear I would be with Tempest.
We would record our meetings, and then from our recordings
she would go and try to write a chapter that
happened once we did it for my introduction. I'm gonna
find the introduction. It was terrible. I hated it. I
(21:42):
hated the cadence.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
I literally went to Tempest and said, I fucking hate
this shit. And you know what she said, Well, you
said you wanted to sound like you boy, did it
sound nuts that shit?
Speaker 1 (21:56):
I said, I don't want nobody reading this, oh ghetto
as rudimentary, terrible sound ass.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
I said, the way that I write is not how
I talk. And so she said, so then you write
the introduction, you tell me, like, show me your style,
and so I did, and when I came back, it
made me so confident that this next chapter was literally
the very first.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
One I wrote.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
I wrote this chapter probably in two days when I
got to finally sit down and write it. Because while
I didn't have to really have too much therapy around
it because I don't regret my abortion at all.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Bitch I would have never bitch I would have had
a baby by a gang banger. There is no regret
at all when it comes to my decision to having
an abortion. However, literally seventeen years had not had the
conversation with my mom, so.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
I may actually drop that on the Patreon. I did
an entire therapy session with my mom around the abortion,
and that's where she shared even the story of her
stepdad that I included in this chapter. So her first
abortion she didn't want, she actually wanted to keep the kids.
(23:30):
She was forced to have an abortion because she got
pregnant by a black guy and her stepdad made her
give it up, and just in a very cruel way.
And so when talking when preparing to write this chapter,
I felt it important to kind of call my mom
(23:53):
and like literally say, I know we haven't had this conversation,
but we should and if you don't mind him to
record it, and my therapist is going to be here.
And I think maybe Tempests was on as well, just
because Tempas needed to make notes for anything that she
thought we should include.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
And it was a lot.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
It was a lot to talk to my mom fully
about her abortion experience, her not being able to even afford.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
The money at the time, and my dad and his
response immediately.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
Mana said, uh, forgot, Did your mom not know you
had an abortion or you just didn't talk about her feelings?
Speaker 1 (24:44):
No, she was with me for the abortion. She we
just never spoke about it.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
A day later, like, literally, I I got the abortion.
I talk about the funny part too, where I couldn't
eat after the abortion. I felt like the abortion, maybe
not be able to eat and maybe it was just
like my internalized guilt. And so my mom gave me
fucking sugar pills, fucking placebo pills. Made it seem like
(25:14):
they was something she got from the hospital. It was like, oh,
here you go, these help with appetite, and bitch, never forget.
My first meal after my goddamn abortion was Arby's. Probably
the last time I also ate Arby's. We got roasty
fucking sandwiches.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Where's the meat, bitch, I shouldn't have been wanting the
goddamn meat after a goddamn abortion. Meat is what maybe
have a goddamn abortion. But the crazy part about that
is had the abortion got back to eating.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
The following week, I was at volleyball practice. It was
started a school year, and I just got right back
into the flow of things.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Uh taught to you have your your hand raised.
Speaker 7 (26:01):
Yes. So one, I love that your mom was just like, girl,
need a little something something that she got you to eat.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
That was beautifully played.
Speaker 7 (26:08):
On her end. Secondly, I know that you somewhat speak
of your sisters and the dynamics that you have with them,
But did you ever talk with them about the abortion
end or did your mom then go and talk with
them about anything?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Ooh, good question.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
So at the time, my youngest sister was maybe ten,
so it wasn't a conversation with her.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Also a conversation.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
We've never had today and she's now twenty eight, so
we have never had that conversation. And then me and
my other sister, we don't have a close relationship and
neither of them have ever had abortions. And the crazy
part about it is my sister, because of her her
(27:03):
health conditions, was told she would never really be able
to have a child to full term, and so there
was a conversation at one point where she couldn't even
connect to her baby for a certain amount of months,
and luckily she now has a healthy I got a
healthy ass, badass nephew.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
But it was interesting because, yeah, we've never talked about
that experience with me.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
Levette in the chat asked how long did you wait
to have sex? I think that was the part about
the chapter.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
To me.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
This pregnancy happened in my first year of fucking. I
was going into my eleventh grade year, so I was
maybe I think I was sixteen going into my eleventh
grade year, which would have I turned seventeen senior year eighteenth,
So yeah, I was sixteen years old literally, and my
(28:00):
first year of fucking, spent the fucking summer with Wheezy's ass,
went over and with some hot girls in Tampa, Florida, and.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Ended up pregnant. I think.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I think for me, the idea around even though I
was fucking at a young age, I was going to
school on time, I had good grades. I literally, in
my mind didn't think pregnancy would just happen to me
because I didn't think the universe would play in my
face because I was doing everything else right, like like
(28:35):
a dummy. That's probably why I don't believe in moons
of stars. Now, if we really want to dig deep
into it the whole tribe. Me bit y'all was doing
everything right. I was just getting some nuts or trying
to get nuts. I probably wasn't even really coming back then,
if I really think about what sex felt like.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
But yeah, a big part of me felt like, well,
you're not gonna get pregnant.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
That's not gonna happen to you. That happens to like
the fast bitches. And I didn't think I was having
enough sex to be considered fast.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Like there was all these just bullshit ideas in my
head around the time.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
So yeah, ooh, I love it. Melle and Brittany have questions. Mellie,
you could go first.
Speaker 6 (29:18):
So I don't really have a question. I just wanted
to say. So, I haven't had an abortion, but I
was a teen mom and hearing how you told your
mom once because I was listening to it on the audible,
and my heart just sunk the way you, you know,
told your mom that you were pregnant, and then hearing
about how your mom had to get an abortion because
(29:40):
her stepdad was racist. Well, I had the same experience,
not having to have the abortion, but my stepdad because
my stepdad's wife.
Speaker 7 (29:48):
So it was yeah, just hearing that it just like
took me back to all that.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Yeah, I think it.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
What it brought forth for me as well is that
after the initial emotions of I guess, anger, frustration, disappointment,
there were so many emotions around telling my mom. I
think her coming to me and really being like, you
sure you want to do this and me having to
(30:17):
be like, there's nothing more sure in my mind because
she didn't have really the option. In hindsight, I thought
that was strong of her to do, and for me,
I was just like, no.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Bitch, I don't want this shit. Girl. Let's go. We
go to the chap shop. Hope. I mean, okay, okay,
y'all know, I gotta make a little joke out of
this shit. It was dark, okay.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
I literally was crying doing the audiobook version of this chapter.
So Mellie, you telling me too while you're listening to it,
that like you felt it to me is so much
like and it means so much because this chapter did
bring about the most and having to talk to my
friend Kita.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Qita.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
If any of you guys were at the DC show,
she pulled up. She actually helped me with my periods
this campaign. We still talk It was hard to talk
for her for a while because that whole moved to Korea,
like who does that?
Speaker 1 (31:16):
But she moved to a career for some time.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Now she's back in the States, and for me talking
to her as an adult, we cried. One night she
came to New York. We went and got drinks and bitch,
I think we got too drunk. But at that time,
her dad had just passed, and so she was helping
her mom keep afloat the house, and literally she knew
(31:41):
my pride and she was just like, I can't believe
you're asking me, And like our connection since then and
even today and having to revisit what that moment meant
and how she made that happen for me, like we'll
never go without gratitude. But having the conversation with both
of them was probably the hardest reality check while writing
(32:05):
this book, because I had to really dig into how
my decisions impacted like two people I care about, my
friend and my mom. Brittany, you have either a question
or something to add.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Yeah, I actually had a question for you.
Speaker 8 (32:21):
It's kind of a two folk question, but at the
same time, the same question, okay, And it has to
do with resentment. Do you feel like pre therapy or
still now you kind of resented your mother for the
things you had to experience when you're younger, especially like
with the abortion and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
Not even you know what's crazy.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
I don't put the blame of the abortion on her,
But there was me and my mom just not just
because I would say, probably in my early twenties became
as cool as we are now. Me and my mom,
I resented her very much growing up because of the
(33:03):
lack of money we had. The baby daddy she chose,
so the father that I had in my life. I
blamed her for that. I blamed her for having to
start working as early as I did. I resented her
for wanting to leave the house so early and then
being forced into ways to make money that I'm not
(33:23):
proud of now.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
I resented my mom a lot.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
I don't know if I put it even put it
in the book, but I ran away from home in
middle school. Me and her got into a fight like
me and my mom fist fought. I resented her because
there were Christmases where we got Christmas gifts and food
line bags.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Like we didn't wake up excited about Christmas.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
We woke up and I got like a fucking I
think I did write about that. I got love and
basketball and coldest winter ever as a Christmas gift one
year with Candy.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
That was my Christmas. So I resent did like.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Her inability to provide and give me the life, which
is probably why a lot of look noat y'all make
me cry.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
This is still things I'm working through.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
I love my relationship with her now, but my relationship
with my mom was I just hated that we had
to go through so much hard shit, like her leaving
my dad. We ended up in a homeless shelter growing
up like there was a lot that I dealt with.
And I think you guys heard that in the episode
when Weezy brought her mom, it was I would have
(34:37):
loved the nuance of being able to share more of
our upbringing. Weezy didn't want to touch about growing up
with money. For me, it's funny because there's a there's
a movie coming out written by Disease and it's so
crazy because it's like with Keanu Reeves. I just saw
it on Kickki Pommer's page, and it's where he switches
lives with someone with money and it's literally like where
(34:59):
the the angel is, Like, money's not going to fix
all her problems, and when he gets money, it does.
And so there were so many elements of my upbringing
between my mom's decision and men, the money that she
was able to make, what we were really able to
do as a family, even like it was embarrassing to
me going to my friends' houses and they took vacations.
(35:22):
I got vacations as a child because of my friends.
They brought me on trips with them. So there was
just so much that I didn't get to experience, and
so I resented her for that. I never resented her
for my abortion. Honestly, I wish we would have had
more talks about sex and things like that, but to
(35:44):
be honest now as an adult, it wouldn't have mattered.
She didn't have the tools. She wasn't comfortable with herself.
I think from a security level, from what she thought
she was worthy of and what she received from men
and their treatment, I don't think she would have been
able to teach me anything honestly that would have been
worth anything because she wasn't She wasn't in a place
(36:07):
to do so. Truthfully, Brittany, thanks for making me cry.
Goddamn next question, what was the second part of the
goddamn question?
Speaker 8 (36:14):
Shit, I'm not accing. I ain't about to make you
cry again.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Well, no, that was a devote I mean, you canna
ask the next question. Shit, we already hear.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
I figured the pain portion of this book was going
to bring about certain things, because it did even in
the process.
Speaker 8 (36:30):
So I think I'm going to wait until we talk
about the assault tracker actually because I think what I'm
going to ask is kind of yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
Oh yeah, because there was a whole part in there
too with that. So yeah, for me, aside from knowing
that this was going to be a chapter that had
to be in the book, it was very important for
me to write it through the lens that I did
(36:59):
in showing my decision and my mom's abortion as well
with the reversal of Roe v.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
Wade. So in the process of writing this, it was maybe.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
A couple months after that took place, and so for me,
I wanted to add the stats in there. I wanted
to like make this be something to where I want
a conservative bitch to read this goddamn chapter and actually
feel something, because there's so many you know ways that
people think it's just like something that you do when
(37:33):
it kills a baby, and da da da da da.
And I wanted to include the fact that I felt
like playing parenthood was trying to get me to not
make that decision while in there already, Like so, there
were so many emotions around this, there were so many
people involved that I specifically wrote this chapter not only
with the stats, but with the intention that a conservative
(37:55):
motherfucker would read it and just feel something, because I
don't think that there's much feeling around the person that
actually makes the decision to go through with an abortion.
And so, Mellie, even for you having not been through
an abortion but being a teen mom and feeling something
from this chapter, I feel like that makes me, like
(38:17):
extremely happy that that was able to be portrayed in
this chapter.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Specifically, All right, now, shit, we're gonna get it to
the final chapter and then y'all know, I leave Q
and A at the end, but feel free during this
time too.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
Of course, ask questions in addition, especially if you read
the book already, even if you didn't anything that I say,
if you have questions, ask, So this chapter.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Was ironically quite easy for me to.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Write after I had processed everything. So for me, where
Weezi and I both knew we were going to share
of a sexual assault, we also felt it just important
to not only liberate women to have sex, but also
include what could happen or the consequences around just sex
(39:21):
in general. And then and so for me, I don't
know if y'all saw the themes of my book but
or of my chapters, but I wrote it from a
sense of how my mind has like transformed over the years,
the way my mind thought at a younger age compared
(39:42):
to when certain instances happened and to now, it was
really important for me to kind of chronologicalize these things.
And so what's crazy is I start this chapter off
talking about being God, God's favorite. Y'all know, I think
I'm God's favorite because I'm blessed with a three maybe
three and a half day period and so for y'all
(40:06):
with seven the devil love y'all, but God love me, okay.
And so there was this thing for me around even
in expressing my sexuality and my sexual nature, even on
horrible decisions, there was almost a badge of honor in
(40:28):
being able to say nope, I'm a free coke because
I want to be, not because I was assaulted or.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
Molested or none of these things happened to me.
Speaker 2 (40:35):
And I started the chapter off with the train incident
because y'all know the podcaster. He didn't get his name
in here. I wasn't gonna do that for his ass.
But when I got sexually assaulted at I think I
(40:57):
was I had to be twenty seven because I was
on my way back from work. Sharing how that took
place and how I froze was important for me. Sharing
how people thought I should expect it with the brand
that we have was important for me.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
And even when it happened.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
If y'all remember me sharing this story, even on the
podcast and the aftermath with the podcaster, I literally thought
this was my first sexual assault. I literally did said
fuck it happened at twenty seven, fuck like, well, at
least I got to go this whole.
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Time, you know, I ah, and mind you, that's at
the moment it happened.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
I think shortly after that, if I was twenty seven,
that was that happened about twenty seventeen.
Speaker 1 (41:53):
I think twenty seventeen twenty eighteen.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Is when Weezy and I learned the word stealthing, and
so knowing that that took place for me probably around
the age of twenty three twenty four, that was also
kind of like a damn.
Speaker 1 (42:10):
Not only did this happen at twenty three twenty four,
it also happened at eighteen with two different people. So
I don't want to convolute it.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
But I was also stealthed by an NBA player when
I was eighteen here in Atlanta. He was in town,
I was here. I went to see him. He removed it,
and I remember staying up all night because I was
fucking nervous because I had to wait for the Kroger
pharmacy to open to go get a Plan B. And
(42:39):
we never had sex again after that, but I ran
into him quite a bit in New York in other settings.
By the way, the guy in the in the book
that the NFL player I ran into recently as well,
And so it's like, it's weird because literally, I'm not
(42:59):
going to say where I was because I think it
would give it away who it is, and I don't
want to do that. I'm not that like again, I
think men still don't think stealthy. It's just not for
me to put that out there. But I was at
an event and a friend of mine was like, oh,
there goes so and so you're gonna go speak mind you.
(43:20):
This was during the process of writing the book, and
I literally was like, yeah, no, like we know each other,
but I'm not gonna go out of my way to
speak to this person because I am currently writing about
an incident, a violation with him.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
And I said, so, for me, I probably.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
Will never speak to this person again in person because
I'm experiencing, you know, a part of me that's overcoming
the violation while also completely confused because it was good
and he gave me money and I took it. So
(44:01):
I think for me, including that part of this was
important for me, and that's why I chose to share
this story and not the other one. This story specifically,
aside from being violated, it was important for me to
share that you could be violated and it could feel good,
and you could be confused as a woman, I know
(44:22):
sometimes like it's one or the other, like, well, it
was consensual and it was you liked it, so no, no,
no, no no, Like you can still absolutely feel violated and
have to process what took place, even if physically it
like that was a confusing one for me. But for me,
(44:44):
the part that I had to share in this book
specifically was what happened a couple summers ago, and I
hope that you guys were able to feel my panic.
I share a b out receiving a call from the
Orange County Sheriff's Department bitch, while I'm on the train,
(45:08):
and maybe it was a train with no goddamn service,
just know that. So I'm on the train, I get
this message. I see the transcript of the voice message,
and my mind immediately goes to they calling me to
tell me somebody did.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
And I immediately my.
Speaker 2 (45:26):
First two thoughts went to my youngest sister and my mom.
Those would be the two people that, oh my god,
my world would shatter. And so I'm immediately calling, not
getting through.
Speaker 1 (45:38):
I get a hold. Finally I go upstairs. I called
the sheriffs back. First, clearly I think.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
No, no, no, no, I think I get a hold of
my mom. My mom is good, my sister good. So
I called them back. Don't know why they're calling me,
And it was the strangest thing. Psychology is a motherfucker
to me. This was the almost most outer body experience
I've experienced in the last couple of years. I'm talking
(46:06):
to this sheriff and he's asking me if I know
this person, and I'm like no. So then he starts
confirming my identity, knows my name, my mama name, an
address I used to live at, and he's like literally
telling me. So I'm like, yeah, bitch, this this me,
But why the fuck you calling me? I don't know
(46:28):
who you're talking about. He was like, well, you are
a witness and a crime and I was like, yeah,
n I ain't ever been to court, like nigga, I'm
following the law. Nigga court like in my mind like
that was never anything. I was like, yeah, no, I
think you have the wrong person. So he goes back
to telling me that I'm a witness in the nineteen
(46:49):
ninety seven crime. I'm like, ninety seven, bitch, I was
six seven years old, Like yeah no, and y'all. The
weirdest thing he pulls out the police report is starts
reading my statement as a seven year old. And when
I tell you, I literally like like and look, it's
(47:14):
the most outer body experience because I've totally forgot about it.
And he's reading my statement to me, and I'm like,
oh shit. And I call my mom and I tell
her and she says, oh shit, it was not talked about.
We like it was just like a It was something
(47:37):
we just put in the back of our minds, like
we literally totally forgot it ever took place.
Speaker 1 (47:43):
And I'm like talking to my mom.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
My mom as I'm telling her, she's remembering the exact day,
talking to my babysitter, coming like leaving work, pulling up
and seeing all these cop cars outside of the Like
my mom didn't remember it, and she was like, oh shit, bitch.
We both put it in the back of my head.
And when I say in terms of anyone experienced something
(48:11):
as a child, me really being believing that I had
never experienced any level of an assault or any weird
shit happened sexually. And to know that that took place
at seven and this nigga was literally jacking his dick
outside of the goddamn daycare room for me and my
sister to watch, and like I've never like when people
(48:33):
say outer body experiences, bitch, his voice on the phone
turned to my voice. I swear to God, like it
was the weirdest weirdest experience, and then I sat with
my mom and talked about that and kind of wondered
why we never revisited it, but she wasn't there, and
then through therapy and everything, I didn't remember it. And
(48:59):
so I know, we talk a lot on the podcast
about all the things, but this literally happened while we're
talking about potentially having a book, and I was like, bitch,
I'm an get you told something that I ain't shared
on the pod before because this has to be new
for our audience. But for me to go from the
(49:20):
start of the chapter to twenty seven, to then go
back to being a seven year old and then learning
the word stealthing through the pod and realizing, shit, bitch,
you were violated at eighteen and twenty three as well,
for me was the full circle moment and how I
(49:40):
wanted to execute this chapter because it was important for
me to show the three very different violations that I experienced,
the three different ways I kind of work them through
my brain, and how I'm still kind of psychologically coming
out on top is like not allowing them, any of
(50:02):
them to define me, And so I hope that was
translated in this chapter. But for me, this was like
it was more of this chapter altogether was more of
an outer body experience to really being able to sit
(50:23):
with my experiences that I had had and how to
process them and then put them on paper.
Speaker 1 (50:29):
Uh, Tasi, you have a question.
Speaker 7 (50:33):
I know you'd be getting on me, but like you said,
all of it is kind of like Trier warning, and
sometimes I'm just still like processing of like, Okay, what
am I comfortable if I'm not comfortable? But literally, as
you said, psychology is just mind fucking in a good
way and in a bad way because you can experience
something then like live your like and then just literally
be walking down the street as I was and just
(50:55):
being like, wait a minute, I don't know what triggered
this thought into memory, but like that happened, and then
kind of even Wheezy has said on some instances like
well I don't want people to think that like I'm
making this up because it just came out of like
nowhere in or maybe I'm retelling it from different standpoints.
But then it's just like again your brain trying to
(51:16):
protect you from the trauma and not knowing what is what.
It's truly mind boggling. But like you said, receiving that
phone call and it all coming back one day. I
don't know what was happening in or what I was doing,
but dancy didn't happen when I was in second grade
to around six or seven literally at Georgia State. My
law Wislims walking by Peedemont whatever. And then I'm like
(51:38):
it could. I'm also major in psychology, so I don't
know if we were just talking about things and it
was just opening boxes in the brain, but I'm just.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
Like, hold on the fuck.
Speaker 7 (51:47):
And then I just started like crying because just realizing
everything that happened and then wasn't like blaming my mom
because I never blamed my mom for joining the military,
That's how she provided a life for me. But this
happened while she was stationed overseas and placed me under
some knowlse his care And so I'm just like then
having to have that conversation with my mom, like again
not blaming her, but knowing that it.
Speaker 1 (52:09):
Was going to break her heart.
Speaker 7 (52:10):
Knowing that like it was just so mind fucking but
like reading it, like you said, you had never shared
that on the podcast, and so like reading it, I'm
just like, what happened?
Speaker 1 (52:23):
I think that thank you for that, and thank you
Tazi for sharing.
Speaker 2 (52:27):
I don't think that the conversation happens, and it's unfortunate
with everyone like you know how between Bill Cosby and
all of these celebrities where there's blame on well what
took you so long to share, or well, why didn't
you say something when it happened. I think that we
don't talk about how our brain maybe does protect ourselves
(52:50):
and shutting the door on what actually happened. I think
that there's an element of self blame that we are doing.
Then it's feeling like we're not gonna get justice, so
what's the point of telling? And there's like there's all
these different battles internally that you have that I think
(53:11):
creates our brain to put it in the box in
the back of our head, and unfortunately, there's moments that
can trigger and open that door up and it floods
because a lot of us don't work through what actually happened.
We just set it in the back and hope that
we can forget about it, because a lot of us
want to forget that certain things ever happened. And in
(53:32):
this instance, I didn't even know my little my little
version of myself did that.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
I didn't. I didn't know. I look, it literally happened
like that. I didn't know. And so I.
Speaker 2 (53:44):
Think for this chapter and even Wheezy's, it was just
important all around for us to include this in a
book about sexual exploration, because it's something that is possible.
Unfortunately with these niggas, these days might be inevitable, and
I hate that for so many of us. But also
it could be the smallest of things that makes you
(54:06):
feel violated and now you as a person are set
to just deal with it in whatever way it looks
like dealing with it, and that kind of sucks. It
sucks because it's hard to talk about. It's hard to
continue to push through and live on. It's hard to
enjoy sex after experience some of these things. But we
(54:28):
want to enjoy sex, and it becomes difficult. It becomes difficult,
and I think for me, it's why I lean so
much into talking about community, my upbringing, my Caribbean background,
and in this chapter specifically, how upset I was that
all three of my violators technically four because I didn't
(54:49):
include the other were black men, and mind y'all, I
ain't never even had pink dick, I'll.
Speaker 1 (54:54):
Be like, ooh, don't want it. Give me a black man.
Speaker 2 (54:58):
And what's crazy is literally championing black men, being the
safe space for them and having also having to work
through being violated by them. Is where me, my mom,
and my sister are currently at in therapy even and
it sucks because bitch, that's who I'm attracted to, and
so it becomes difficult.
Speaker 1 (55:18):
And it might be why I don't know.
Speaker 2 (55:20):
Somebody on Patreon today called me an avoided a dismissive avoidant.
I'm looking into what it means, by the way, and
I think it is kind of right. But I'm also
realizing that it may be also another defense mechanism that
I don't realize I'm putting up because I'm having this
toggle of my brain between wanting to be safe with
(55:41):
a black man and having experienced so many moments of unsafety.
Speaker 1 (55:46):
Naomi, you have your hand raising. Y'all know we're about
to wrap this up, so if anyone has any questions
or thoughts on the pain portion of No Holds Barred,
please feel free to tap in. Naomi.
Speaker 5 (56:01):
Yeah, when you said you know all of this sucks
and is it is some things you got to like
dive deep into especially when you find yourself getting triggered.
And I like, when I started with my healing journey
as the Moon and Stars, people say, uh, when I
started going to therapy and getting into spiritual groups and
(56:22):
you know, digging all that stuff up and even some
of the things that you don't remember. I hated it.
And I hated talking about my childhood, Like I don't
want to talk like everything that happened that was happening
in my present day, you know, even the abusive relationships
and all of that. Everything was like, so tell me
about your childhood. So I'm like, why do we have
to keep talking about that shit?
Speaker 1 (56:44):
I don't want to talk about that shit.
Speaker 5 (56:46):
But it's it's that's that's where I feel like. That
was like, uh to me, it was like, oh, that
was a setup. You know, that was where everything that
happened as I grew up was set up in my childhood.
So if I want to change change the patterns and
how I relate and how I present myself and all
of that, everything is rooted back in the childhood. And
(57:07):
that really pissed Naomi.
Speaker 1 (57:09):
That is a bar and why almost every chapter I
go back to that this book. This book made me
for the first time I was in therapy for four years.
I think the first three years of my therapy. You
ready not one ounce to talk about my childhood.
Speaker 2 (57:25):
Really, this book real, This book made me tap into
actually speaking and telling my therapist about my childhood. To me,
I'm like, bitch, I'm dealing with just how to work
with Weezy, how to work with Bridget, how to like
it's my day to day girl, I'm working on the
debt on today.
Speaker 1 (57:41):
We ain't got to go back to the past, girl.
The past is done.
Speaker 2 (57:44):
And it wasn't until this book and I had to
touch on these different things that I was like a bitch.
Speaker 1 (57:50):
Childhood, Yeah, my mom and my daddy, like so much
of it was rooted in that.
Speaker 5 (57:56):
Yeah. But I think for me it was because of
my mother and my sister. I had a big problem
with my mom and my sister because they were still
in domestic violence relationships when I was in my thirties
and I was going to therapy because I had been
doing so much for them. Now whenever we were kind
of in the clear, then I could go back to
(58:16):
focusing on myself and I was like, I don't know
what to do with myself. And my doctor actually suggested
that I go to therapy from the stress, and so
that was the first thing that he asked.
Speaker 2 (58:27):
And I just cried, because you're leaving us off with
a bar.
Speaker 1 (58:32):
You gotta tap into the chada. Yeah, yeah, thank you
so much, Nailmi.
Speaker 5 (58:36):
The other book, I want to say, the other book
other than yours that really took me back to that
was The Body Keep Score is as good as that
book was.
Speaker 1 (58:44):
It triggered me so much.
Speaker 2 (58:46):
And okay, that Body Keep Score. Look at me, Melly
pulling out the notes. She is pulling out her notes.
Speaker 1 (58:54):
We have Melli, and then we're gonna end off with you,
Brittany Mellie.
Speaker 6 (59:01):
So I just wanted to say, listening to that chapter,
I was physically assaulted when I was a child. I
think I was like five, and you know, I didn't
tell anyone at the time, and then I was around
eight when I had told a cousin and then she
told my mom, and you know when they told him,
(59:21):
initially it was like a big deal, as it should be,
but it kind of got swept under the rug and
it wasn't until I was like twenty three that reopened it.
Speaker 1 (59:31):
And reached out.
Speaker 6 (59:34):
To see if there was anything we could do about
getting this guy some type of consequences. And I found
out that he had already had done.
Speaker 1 (59:42):
It, unfortunately to other young children.
Speaker 6 (59:44):
And yeah, uh, but you know, just and it's crazy
because the amount of people in here right now, just
because of the statistic, I'm sure there's a few other
of us in here who have experienced some type of
sexual assault. And when I was I think twenty six,
I experienced I was driving with my son in the
(01:00:06):
car and the man next to us had a his
laptop on his dash. It was jacking off watching porn
while we're driving. I'm driving him to school, and I'm like,
you know, I call the cops and try to get
them to find this guy. But I say all that
to say that hearing you talk about it, and hearing
even talk to say what she said, it gives some
(01:00:27):
type of comfort to know that you know, it's unfortunately
it's a shared experience, but at least you're not alone,
and you know you always have people to talk to
about it. But I did want to ask you, so
you said that this chapter was easy for you to write,
Was it easy for me to record?
Speaker 2 (01:00:52):
Maybe the again, the hearing my little voice when when
I got to what that outer body experience felt like
it was. This chapter was easier to record than the
abortion one, and then I think we'll get into it
next week. But the progression chapters were were my hardest
(01:01:12):
to write, to conceptualize, to face. So next week will
be a lot of like, well, we'll definitely lean into
the progression, but this chapter wasn't that hard to write. Now,
I think I've been healing through what actually took place
and happened, and I feel confident and those not being
(01:01:33):
triggers for me anymore. We ain't gonna be mad because
she got to start her shit like three minutes late.
But we're ending off with you, my love.
Speaker 1 (01:01:42):
Okay.
Speaker 8 (01:01:43):
The first thing I wanted to say was thank you
for being vulnerable when it came to this chapter, because
while I was well, I actually listened to it. While
I was listening listening to you speak about it, I
was like, oh shit, I feel like I'm being seen because.
Speaker 1 (01:02:03):
Oh no, I don't want to really.
Speaker 8 (01:02:05):
When it came to your train.
Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
Your Train chapter, it is, by the way, y'all, she's
not talking about a train ran on me. She's talking
about the subway where I was. I'm not from New York.
I'm not from New York. They know I might want
to train subway. Yes, the subway.
Speaker 8 (01:02:29):
It made me like I felt like I was being
seen for the first time because I really never really
talked about my situations, which I'm not really trying to
get into right now, because I actually had a question.
When you're saying, like it's said that all these assaults
that happened to you happened to you with black men,
how is it that you still because this is where
(01:02:51):
I'm struggling in my own personal life, how is it
that you are still able to be intimate with them
and have those intimate with who questionable black men?
Speaker 1 (01:03:00):
Question? Yeah, I don't know. I'm working with that. I
think it's why I disconnect.
Speaker 2 (01:03:07):
It might be why I need to drink to have sex,
like that's that's why I did the sober journey and
celibacy journey.
Speaker 1 (01:03:15):
I think that there is an attachment to.
Speaker 2 (01:03:19):
My drinking and sex specifically, I don't think I fully
feel safe with them. I don't feel like I want
to get too close to them. It may be why
I like, there's a lot of things I'm still currently
trying to work through and figure out honestly, So, I
don't think I have the answer to that. Yeah, I'm
able to suck some dick and have sex, but I
think on a deeper level, I'm not sure. And I
(01:03:44):
think that that's why my breakup with Soulmate hurt me
so bad, because I don't I don't think I ever
loved demand so much and he did.
Speaker 1 (01:03:52):
He did me wrong.
Speaker 2 (01:03:54):
He hurt me, like really bad on a psychological and
emotional level that I was like, damn. So I don't
know last question, because I know Wheezy about to be like, bitch,
I need to get on. Are you finding that you
still need to drink even now when being intimate? I
will be honest. This is me being honest with y'all.
(01:04:15):
I uh, double back to a nigga here in Atlanta,
and as soon as he walked through the door, I
made him do shots and it hit me he because
he literally.
Speaker 1 (01:04:27):
Said, damn, you gotta get drunk to fuck me.
Speaker 2 (01:04:31):
He said that to me, So I don't know, Like
that was kind of like a gut punch because it's like,
oh shit, is that what I'm doing? Is that why
I'm creating this environment right now with him, I don't know,
so I'm still working through that.
Speaker 1 (01:04:49):
Anyways, guys, uh, if you haven't yet join, join Wheezy's
thank you Dia.
Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
Thank you guys so much for joining the book club,
and make sure you subscribe to Selective Ignorance. There is
an episode every Tuesday where we dive into all of
the nuances and chaos of the discourse around everything under
the sun. But also I'm giving you bonus episodes every Friday.
Speaker 1 (01:05:15):
We have about two.
Speaker 2 (01:05:16):
More weeks of the book club and then we are
back to some ignorance Baby, So again, make sure you subscribe,
and make sure you head on over to our YouTube channel.
Speaker 1 (01:05:26):
At with Mandy b Baby.
Speaker 2 (01:05:29):
You're with me every week, so if you want to
see full videos of Selective Ignorance, make sure you head
on over and hit that subscribe button. And again, if
you want to join me for this book club, also
join the Patreon just for as little as five dollars
a month you are supporting the show. It's patreon dot
com backslash Selective Ignorance. See you guys next week. Selective
(01:05:54):
Ignorance a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For
more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 4 (01:06:04):
Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.
Selective Ignorance. It's executive produced Buy Mandy B. And it's
a full Court Media studio production with lead producers Jason Mondriguez.
That's me and Aaron A. King Howard. Now, do us
a favor and rate, Subscribe, comment and share wherever you
get your favorite podcasts, and be sure to follow Selective
Ignorance on Instagram at Selective Underscore Ignorance. And of course,
(01:06:28):
if you're not following our hosts Mandy B, make sure
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you subscribe to the Patreon It's patreon dot com backslash
Selective Ignorance
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