WHO KNEW CHRISTMAS NEEDED A JEW:
By: Selyna Warren, Marissa Read, and Jason Currie
BERNIE
Wait. What’s happening?
SANTA
Christmas feels different.
Something feels new.
The snow’s whiter, it’s so much brighter,
and it’s all because of you know who…
BERNIE
Wait… are you talking about me?
SANTA
I’ve roasted all the chestnuts,
killed all the Christmas geese!
But it’s been so monotonous delivering world peace.
Suddenly through your eyes a brand new view.
Who knew Christmas needed a jew?
BERNIE
- ISH. We prefer jewish, but I think I get what’s going on here. Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing -
SANTA
I’ve whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung.
The chimneys I’ve been sliding down have given me black lung.
BERNIE
Wait, what? I’ve been sliding down chimneys ALL FRIGGEN NIGHT!
SANTA
Look! I know longer have the soot flu.
Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?
BERNIE
Okay, if you think I’m gonna join you in some dorky little diddy then you are absolutely… correct!
I’ve spent every Christmas eating chinese food alone.
“The dark house on the block”,
that’s what they used to call my home.
But with you I thinkI’ve finally got my shot.
Christmas neede a jew, who knew a jew needed Christmas?
Okay, sorry, I don't have like a magical weed given song gift. I can’t like improvise rhymes on the fly.
SANTA
Ho ho …. that’s alright!
I’ll bring all the jolly.
BERNIE
And I’ll bring all the oy!
BOTH
We fit together perfectly,
BERNIE
This Hebrew
SANTA
and this goy!
SANTA
You lit up my yule-tide log and it’s -
BOTH
- burning bright!
BERNIE
The sleigh is not the only thing that’s -
BOTH
- higher than a kite!
A holly jolly mitzvah, yes it’s true!
Who knew -
BERNIE
- Christmas
SANTA
Christmas
REINDEER
Christmas
BOTH
- needed a you?
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