313. Celeb Deaths, Blue Waffle and Paddy Mercury with Paddy McDonnell and Bronagh Diamond

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I haven't seen either use in so long.
I know. And can I say something?
You look like a DJ in Ibiza who was massive in the early
noughties and goes back once a year just to do like Cafe
Mambos. That was cool.
You're very, very close to what I do, like I do go to Ibiza.
He's DJ Lawrence John. You don't drop a set.

(00:20):
I'll be very close to it. I'll be very friendly with the
DJ so it'll be in the. D You're the guy.
You're the guy in the DJ booth just getting the hands up.
He. Doesn't drop a set, but a set of
bolts hits the floor whenever hewears his wee shorts without the
neck in that. Spent too much time with Judge
Dudes last year. Judge dudes.
It's not. It's not Judge Dudes, it's his
brother. All right, Yeah, it's the one
that. I don't know the cow that they

(00:41):
can't afford. Yeah, judge dudes so they get.
Two in the hotel. Judge dudes couldn't get tickets
to the real thing, but we'll have something.
Have his cousin? Yes, it's a second.
And DJ is made Wakefield. It's the glasses.
Wakefield, Wakefield. Wakefield or the dance act
Wigfield. Saturday.
Night and the air is. Getting how you look like you
DJ? You look like the table loves

(01:03):
that. That's.
What happens? Excuse me, you do.
Yeah, I do love that song. And you do look like that.
That's all. Night.
There's me. Flashbacks The Mcdermott's on
the Glen Rd Remember McDermott and like just oh Jesus, the
toilets, the toilet. Set the scene.
Right. Porter Cabin.
Yes. Next field to the traveller
camp. Yep.

(01:25):
They built bricks around it because the Porter camp and
started rotting and they built abar.
The floor bounced as you walked on it because it was so
unstable. The toilets were simply a hole
in the ground. No windows?
Is this like an underage disco? Or is there everything?
Anything goes. This is anything goes at Dan.
Is it still there? No.

(01:45):
Right. I don't know, just fell down or?
The peace agreement fucking knocked all them in the head.
Yeah, yeah. I once had a boyfriend who tried
to start a fight with a bouncer.Mcdaes.
Let's just say he woke up minus the tooth the next.
Day, he had a couple of names. It was called the Mcdaes.
It was called the Pink Pussycat.It's called the Ballroom.
Ballroom romance. So West.

(02:06):
Belfast to have? Eight different names for
something that. Are.
Depending on who you're talking about.
Everybody from different groups had a different name for it.
Yeah, yeah, that's it. But it was.
And then there was a Greenbrier and it was blown up.
I sounded like on it back. Imagine what we played in the
ruins of the Greenbrier. Because whenever I lived in Glen
Collin, we used to. Oh.

(02:26):
I thought you meant like like a band.
Oh no, it was an old. Collins of the Glen Brick
Greenbrier, it does. That sounds like an old Christy
Marshall. The rowans of the green barrier.
Did. You would you ever socialise in
the same place? I know.
You're quite possibly, I can't remember.
Paddy used to bouncer at a bar that I worked in that did you?
Yes, what bar? I worked in Mac and and he's on

(02:48):
the Glen Rose. The one I got my finger bit off.
Yeah, I wasn't there that night,so I can't point out any
fingers, Can't point out any fingers at everyone.
Part of it, But what Porona doesis goes in the bars and scopes
outdoor men's fingers and see you as a wee juicy fingers.
And then she calls her. She calls someone.
And then iPhone up the local teacher and go here.

(03:08):
Do you fancy making a nuisance? Of yourself tonight.
Lunch is served. Yeah, all right.
And it's like if you can serve it with a good key anti, you
won't get that mechanics but youmay get to paint the card with a
he took you to court. Says he got food, I'm a body.
Take him off. No, I like, I genuinely like him
and I didn't know they were bifocals.

(03:30):
Are they bifocals? I didn't know until he walked
in. They're.
Not bifocals. They're bifocals.
They're not bifocals. There were sunglasses when you
walked. That isn't bifocals.
It is Dan, please. It's bifocals.
You're very quick to fucking gethim to go on that.
I'm not. They're not bifocals.
What if I focus on you got two different prescriptions?
In the. Lens bifocals are the ones you
have that we bit down the bottoms different and you see

(03:51):
people go on yeah, watch 2 prescriptions among glasses
that's not. What I What have you got?
Very. Transitions, transitions.
Translation. What's that?
There are glasses that when you go out in the sunlight, they
turn. There was an albino kid in my
class that had those and I just thought it was the coolest thing
ever. The only thing was they were
fucking like plexiglass she could have shot at her did.

(04:13):
That help him in any way. It was a her.
Did that help her? I don't know.
She had pink eyes. Well, probably did because of
the sun. Yeah, probably did.
Yeah, yeah, I know. She looked very, very easily
sunburnt. She did.
Oh, no more. So, you know, one of your hair
doesn't hold a pigment that you ain't going to do well in an
Irish summer, even. Yeah, you know, she had to get

(04:34):
sunburnt in the rain. It's as well, it wasn't born in
Spain or something. I know.
Well, well, no, I don't know about that.
I've never seen that been on holiday.
I have. Wait a minute, DJ.
Don't do. I don't get it.
Zippers, let me take a quick minute to tell you that this
episode of Teams Me Podcast is sponsored by That Price Guy,

(04:55):
Ireland's largest price site. I was at Price Guy HQ a couple
of days ago and I mean, he is everything.
He's everything sitting there. The cars that they're about to
give away, some of the prizes that are sitting, the boat.
He doesn't keep cashing the premises by the way, just let
you know they check. Did you do the draw?
I did a draw and, and here's what he's doing, man.

(05:16):
He was like just just do a draw.It's like worth my 500 lbs.
So just whatever. I was like, what do you mean?
He goes just give away £500 worth of stuff and we'll just
arrange it so it can it be anything?
So he's like a hotel break in a meal or something.
But I was just picking it at thetime.
So I did a stay at the merchant and dinner at 2 tops just cross
the road from but it was, it's not as tall as one.

(05:41):
Umm, but incredible. Umm, he's just, he's, they've
made nine, they've made 9 millionaires and they're giving
away over £125 million. And there's, I mean, prizes for
everything from the from the topto the bottom.
You can get a couple of couple of pence for a few grand.

(06:01):
Polly, you're right there. I forgot.
Thank you, Patrick. There's free ones.
Instant wins. He's got watches, he's got
holidays and cars and if you don't like the car, what can you
do? You can just take the money,
take the money, not prize guy.co.uk.
Also patreon.com says to me podcast.
All of our specials are on theirbonus episodes on a Monday, live

(06:23):
stream on a Friday. Lazy boys.
Boozy Bake Off coming soon. The boozy bake offs coming soon.
We're filming that on Monday. This is Friday.
The recording this, I haven't drank in about five years.
I'm going for alpha bottle of gin.
So we'll see what happens. Thank you very much.
Let's go back into this episode.What do you hold?
On what do you mean you don't get it?
Albinos. If you if you're that they get.

(06:43):
I hear I love holiday. I love holiday, right?
But I burn dead easy. So I love that holiday.
I love holiday. Well, don't do is.
I love holiday. Like it's a verb.
But I'm just saying like it's ifyou're not, I love.
Holiday. I love the holiday.
If. I was.
Having the laugh on holiday if. I was if I was to go sex on.

(07:07):
Bitch. And you're in albino.
You can't do your thing. You can't work like what?
You have to wait until night time to work.
You're. Not a fucking vampire, buddy.
Will you tag me or if you're in albino?
ESPN, Do you know what I. Mean interview with the albino
that don't cruise. Louis, Louis, Louis.
Always. Blame person going away on

(07:30):
holiday. Blame person, what did you say?
You're saying you've seen no blind people?
The. Weirdest thing they haven't
seen. The weirdest thing I see is a
blame person on the sightseeing tour bus in Belfast.
There's an audio. Part of it I know.
But fucking. You could sit and fell, but
you'd sit your house where you're from, like you come the
whole there was like on the House.

(07:51):
There was a blame on our hotel last year, right?
And he was a poor bastard, sat inside all day drinking, right?
And then at night time, right? But then at night time he was
sitting there and I felt bad forhim.
And I went up and I was like, doyou want to drink?
And he said to me, I'm not gay. I mean, I said it were bifocals,
I'm not bi. And I said them, I wasn't asked.

(08:13):
Did you want to drink? I know that there's loads of
kids and all around the bench. I thought you weren't going to
the bar because, you know, yeah,there was too many kids and you
would get knocked over or something.
And he was like, no, I'm not having a bar.
Job he was. German, he says.
I'm not on the bar because I've drank too much during the day
and I'm just sitting here because I can't get up.
And he likes holiday. And I was like, right.

(08:34):
And he went and I did get here the whole way from Germany
without anybody helping me. So I don't see why you need to
help me. And I was like.
He's 1:00 AM disabled people to go, you can.
Do it yourself, I said. Tell him.
Why didn't you just stand fucking Germany and turn the
heat up? Yeah, I see what you mean.
But then if you're on, if you'reblind, then you're on a
sightseeing bus, you're hearing.The better the atmosphere
because they can hear better, soyou're hearing.

(08:55):
You can smell the harp and the pace off the people around.
But you'll get away, you know, if you're an international
touristy or you're on the bus, you'll get away in the distance.
You know you're not getting out at home.
You can go to the Causeway and feel the way the Atlantic wait
like the IT isn't. Actually, it isn't at all.
You can feel the mist of the morning on your face.
They should make that part of the way, the Atlantic way.
They should. They should.

(09:16):
I'm going to start a campaign, get that go right around the
coast. Yeah.
Do you know what's even worse, though?
What if you're in Albina and you're blind?
Typically they technically are blind and then you don't know
when to go outside on holiday, but that.
Someone could tell you. Is that not my point?
I. Suppose I suppose.
Do you know what you 2 both thought you'd work something out
there and you haven't? We didn't didn't work anything

(09:38):
out at. All what have you.
Ever seen an albino? Yeah, that's.
Right. I don't think we're albino
spotting here. It's not albino rhinoceros.
It's just a person. That's your DJ name, Albino.
Albino still in comedy, is it? Umm made.
Made of. On the local scene, I don't
think so. The closest would be Karen

(10:00):
Franco. Karen Franco's an albino.
No, I'm saying he's he's great for her.
It's not fair, does it? Blonde her?
No, he doesn't. Nah, No, He has Ginger Her.
Yeah. Is he Ginger Feared.
And a moustache. You're albino.
You're probably the closest thing to the albino.
You're blonde, hard and blue out.

(10:21):
He looks Albanian. That's.
I love Holiday. You just finished her still.
I just turned in the. I just did that same thing.
You just finished. Her.
You know I'm not finished here still.
On. Still on.
I'm finished and I feel like it's like summer holidays, but

(10:42):
everyone's still at school. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? I'm calling for people at their
door and all they're like, you're not, you've done live
here 20 years. Yeah, his daddy only comes here
on the weekends, so that's whenever we see.
Him I I hate and love finishing the tour.
It's great because the tour is done, but then the show was at
its best. It's the best it's going to be.
And you're like I need to do this more.

(11:02):
I'm doing two different tours atthe moment.
It's really confusing. Oh shit.
I had that at COVID so why? Why do they overlap?
Because I'm doing this Paddy Irishman tour and I wanted to do
it in Scotland and England because I want to take that the
America. So I wanted to see if it worked
on Irish people that don't live here.
Yes, So I've done that tour to try it out.

(11:23):
So in the middle of doing the Dagger tour, I started doing the
Paddy Irishman tour and then when I came home I went to
theatre. Miller started doing the Paddy
Aishman show instead of the Dagger show on stage.
By mistake. By mistake because I've been
doing it right and I was like what the fuck are you doing?
This is a different and then so I confused myself, yeah.
I'm saying if you have two gigs back-to-back and you're not sure

(11:43):
whether or not you've told that joke in the same set, you're
right, yes. If I do know what I'm talking
about, you go. If I said this already, I repeat
myself to you. Never mind.
Did my playing Joe's crash? And then I'm writing a new show
which is. Go to, go to, go to.
I love it. Actually, I know I saw a party
in the chemist. Dear love him, didn't it?

(12:04):
Dear love him, Saw him in the. Camp getting this prescription
he. Was getting this prescription he
was sitting nervous as we food out and all God love him weren't
you thank. You guys, the camels are like,
you really don't need to choose it.
I know. Give us a picture.
We're talking about none, man. Seen the dagger?
Sure. She ain't seen him more and
most. We have probably seen it three
times. I've never seen that, and I

(12:26):
really want to see it to the point where I know it's
inappropriate, right? But I asked.
If you're about to say, get yourdeck out.
Yeah. No, this would be a great clue.
Patty, Patty. He doesn't get it out as much
anymore. I'll say this, he don't get it
anymore. I mean, Andrea would knock my
bollocks in, but I'm not interested in just one.
But when he shows you, it's not a sexual thing.
It's not. I don't want to see it that way.

(12:47):
I just want to see it, yeah. Literally when you've seen it
was hard. It's like a waiter showing you a
bottle of wine. Yes, and you go he.
Does this it's worth? A wee sample of.
Them, yes. Give me the whole thing.
Very Woody. Give me the balls too.
Yeah, I just want, I asked you, Sean, have you had a photo of
it? You asked my brother.
He did. You asked me.

(13:08):
You asked his brother if he had a photo of his.
Dick Yeah. And then he asked, it was like,
would it be weird if you asked him for a picture of it?
And he was like, yes, Bruno, it would be weird.
He's my brother. And I was like, well if he ever
send you a picture, will you send me?
Even seen it. He must have.
No, he hasn't. I mean half.
Half of it, yeah. Well, I feel very fucking
excluded now. Yeah, no, he hasn't.
Dan hasn't seen it. Mick hasn't seen it.

(13:29):
The day we got it, did you see it?
Oh, the. Day we got the tattoo.
Tattoo day we saw. Oh, right.
OK. I need to see it.
Yeah. I'm.
Sorry, it's got. To be done.
Sorry, Dan, you weren't there. I mean, he asked Andrea to send
me a picture of it. She just didn't look either,
does she not? Why not?
Close. You were now you were thinking
about showing to the audience after you show, but.
Did the original tag show that we had a photo of it and we put

(13:53):
it till a vote and the folded not to see it?
So there is a. OK.
Imagine thousands of people being like I don't want.
It wasn't, it was literally like80 people in the queues, right?
And it was all couples. And I think what happened
because then a lot of them away from the show sent me messages
going just send me a pic of it now.
I didn't want to say in front ofher or the opposite way I don't

(14:15):
want to say in front of him. Why were they so fucking?
I don't. Know anybody?
We're going to do it. And then it was just like, no,
we can't do it in the Odyssey. Like which would have been the
perfect time to have big screens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be like zoom in.
You wouldn't have to zoom zoom. What have you been doing the
last couple of months? I've been, I haven't.
Seen you since I haven't seen both of you since Stars in your

(14:37):
eyes. Stars in the eyes.
We might do what we do yet. Next year, actually.
That'd be good. Isn't that right?
He's the DJ, I'm the singer. Yeah.
First I've heard of it but yeah I'm just dude that day.
You had the Fool dance troupe with you.
I did, yeah. I was brilliant.
Yeah. We were robbed.
They were robbed, not me. When you have kids like that,

(14:58):
you do think that the kids are going to win.
It wasn't even. I didn't really care about the
winning, but the kids just lovedthat they didn't.
They had a ball. I everybody was outstanding,
loved it, everybody was. They had a great I loved the
fact that I can get to do stuff like that.
Yeah, I do too. It's a real privilege.

(15:18):
My brother fucking plays music and and for him like to do that
would be massive. You know, to be yes, yes, but I
but I always pick an act that I like your song or whatever.
Do you know what I mean? You you looked brilliant.
Yeah, you really did. Like with the with the furlough.
No, the best part for me was Patty sitting there in changing
rooms or in the green room and he was going fucking phone won't

(15:40):
let me in. And I was like, Patty, you're.
Like you're. Dressed like Freddie Murphy.
Freddie. Murphy, Freddie Murphy.
The West Belfast live in Mac andhe's just.
Sunday from fucking big. Pussycat Freddie Murphy.
Only *** in the Megan Lilies. Oh no.
My favourite. Benefit to break out.

(16:04):
Freddy's capitating, yeah. I.
Read enough, everybody said as soon as.
Freddy Freddy's capitating. You've nailed it as soon as you
walk. In we're actually first driving
down and people like at the balls in the falls at the
Derunabad looking in their car and I'm looking back at them and
they were going who the fuck is that weirdo weed?
I was really weird. I had to park so far away from

(16:27):
the fucking venue. Walking up the street, people
were just, there's a girl running ahead of me.
Like she was like, what? This is obviously fucking a
freak show here. Yeah.
But she's seen people like that all.
The time your eyes was such a fun night.
I love it. When I finished it and they read
to me, it was great that you sang it in the original key.
And I was like, could I have gota different key?
Yeah. It was so hard to sing.

(16:48):
Oh really? The first time I sang it was on
the night, right? And the Testimony and I was just
like, holy fuck, that is like. Because he is he obviously
Butler won. See his soundcheck.
I don't know if you saw it, it was shit show.
Was it? So was mine.
He messed it up real bad. And I was on that purpose, he
told me. Did he?
No, he didn't. He did.
Did he see if he did? That's like Patrick Bateman,

(17:11):
American Psycho level. Really.
No, I get why you would do that.Why?
Because. Everyone want everybody to see
the class performance because hewas fucking unreal.
They say a bad rehearsal makes for a good performance.
That'd. Be great, genuine.
Why would you show people what'sgoing to happen and let them
just be on the night? And that was what happened.
Yeah. And I thought he was brilliant.
I thought the whole thing was class.

(17:32):
Tommy and Throne were brilliant.I didn't get to see.
Those run the MC. They didn't get to see them
either. In fact, I'm going to watch it,
yes. But yes, I've been writing a
play for the past couple of months.
Oh yeah, yeah. What's it about?
I've been doing workshops in thenew lodge.
Nikki is here and it's about right.
It doesn't sound as fun as it is, but it's about the youth

(17:53):
that are living in the new Lodgeand it's about, I have written
it, sort of words like intergenerational trauma and
dilemmas, but it's funny. Have you written a play before?
Yes, that's what I originally said.
That I, I don't, I don't think Iwould have the patience for it.
It's you would have. You ever been in a play?

(18:14):
One years ago, couple of performances.
You know, you know, the crack was it then kind of.
It is really so much work for very little return.
So I had very few lines, but what I'm saying is I couldn't
do. You don't cook.
I tried to snap coke once but all the ice cubes get stuck up
my nose. Go on ahead.
Sorry. It's a fizz I can't like I.

(18:35):
Couldn't see the way you're doing like a one man show.
That's a play. We stand up, we can change the
wording of whatever we want. We can flip things around.
We can start a show that doesn'tthe show you start, but you can
eventually turn it into a show. It needs to be.
I couldn't, I don't have the ability to learn all those
lines. The play I was in, I had maybe 5
lines in it. I I I couldn't do it.

(18:58):
It's like school. I can't I.
Couldn't realise how hard A1 manshow would be.
Another to say one man show, oneperson show no.
You can't say one man. Show can you?
Well, I was the only one on it, but it was like 5 weeks of full
on 10 hours a day rehearsal and I was like.
I couldn't do it. I don't have the capacity.

(19:18):
But it is. Hard.
It was 2 halves like so it was like, yeah, proper and the first
native don't. It went from from 48 minutes in
the first half and 37 minutes inthe second-half.
I'd done the first night in like27 minutes and 20.
Did you? Yeah, but.
That's good. Tony was like, I don't know how
I still got to stand on the Vision.

(19:38):
Tony was like, I don't know how you've done that.
I really don't know how you've done that, but you need to slow
it down. And I think it was me going so.
You didn't. You didn't drop any lines.
You were just. Saying we've all done that with
stand up before, Yeah. You come off stage, you're like,
you just rush through it, yeah. Sometimes he treads the boards.
I have crept the boards in my room.

(19:59):
I am an actor. Yeah.
Is it something you would want to do more like?
I love acting. I love, I do love it.
Folks, sometimes you have to take a moment to thank somebody
in your life, and you know what?You're doing that as a joke.
I was going to thank you. I was going to thank, can I
thank you for thanking me? I want to thank Patty McDonald
and the local comics that we have here and the Belfast comedy

(20:23):
scene for for coming and making this podcast what it is, for
calling in and doing episodes and making it a great stand up
scene. This month's all about gratitude
and along with the person I justthank Patty McDonald.
There's other people that we don't thank enough and that is
ourselves. It's sometimes hard to remind
ourselves that we're trying our best to make sense of everything

(20:46):
and in this crazy world, that's not easy.
So isn't it so there's a reminder to give thanks to the
people in your life, including yourself.
If you're thinking of starting therapy, give Better Help a try.
It's entirely online, so you don't have to go somewhere and
do it. You can just do it from the
comfort of your own home. And it's designed to be
convenient, flexible. And so to do your schedule, you

(21:07):
fill out a brief questionnaire, You get much of A licenced
therapist, and if you don't likeyour therapist or think you're
compatible, you can switch at any time for no extra charge.
betterhelp.com/T with me today to get 10% off your first month.
That's better help hlp.com/T with me.
The link is in the description. And once again, thank you party.
Thank you man. I love writing.

(21:29):
Acting. But if I can just come in and do
something and then go, I don't, I don't like it when you do it.
And then they're like porn. We're turning the camera porn.
No, I've heard porns tell. Them I, I don't think that's in
it, I don't think that's going and I think they're.
Yeah, they're. They're all I.
Don't think I could do porn, I don't think I could perform.
Because of the dagger. Oh, with people in the.

(21:50):
Room just genuinely don't think it could.
I don't think it could have sex in front of the people that
don't. I don't really.
I don't like I really. Get a bit shy, apparently porn
sets smell terrible. I read or read it and it was
like, you know, that an AMA asked me anything and it was I'm
a porn director asked me anything and he.
Was by the way guy on Reddit that says you porn director not
a porn director. He's in his moms basement.

(22:12):
Well, he's not a porn director. He has filmed his brother and
sister fucking. He does have picture of if you
said him any picture brother. You have but there there's
podcast as well, you know, by people and they're they're good.
Like I would listen in now and again and they'll talk about
there's there's porn actors and actresses.
There's one that's female led and they would talk.
There's a horny housewife podcast.

(22:33):
Very good fucking bitch giving her a plug.
But they that to me or just a? What your?
Your your browser. Somebody said to me, I was
listening to somebody. I'll say that to me.
That's a second thing. Horny housewife in your area.
My phone's my phone's going to going to stop being chicken
burgers. It's going to be horny Housewife

(22:54):
podcast. Yeah, our phones listen to us,
but yeah, supposedly it's, you know, it's.
It's not the way it looks. It's not the way it looks, no.
And then what about your woman that had the thousand men or
something? The Thousand.
Oh yes. You know, and she was like, just
like a really tough day in the bedroom.
And I was like, no, I don't knowwhat.
The thousands guys like. Jesus Christ like be like we

(23:17):
have no wands in a fucking cave.Hard.
Desperate. Seriously.
To fucking stand in a queue to get a buck, no.
You. Know what I mean?
It's like. I don't get it and she said you,
I don't know if it's the same. There's two of them that do it
shows loads. I don't get people paying for
sex either. I really don't.

(23:38):
Yeah, I don't. I don't get that either.
Everybody pays for sex, regardless of whether or not you
think. You're but I mean like cold.
People in the back. Yeah, do you know what I mean?
There's one of the girls who does that recently was like 50
guys. Is it 50 or 500 guys in my back
door? And then she need to get
reconstructive surgery, she said.
But I don't. But I don't think that best
true. I think the exact see the girl

(24:01):
Bonnie Blue right and you've I've seen her on com podcast and
stuff just. Do you have her on here?
No, not like, not that I'm like,I just I don't see.
You only watch her online, you don't want her in real you.
Never meet your heroes. Shovel over.
Let me tell you, I I think it looks so awkward when you see

(24:25):
you're like interviewed on things.
I don't think she's having good crack doing it.
I don't think it's fun. Is.
This The interviews that we're talking about are the.
Videos I I I, I just feel sad. You just really can't take.
Sex work is real work and fair play, you know, fair play to
those girls. But I just don't know how you
can go on in life knowing that everybody's seen your cat.

(24:46):
Do you know what I mean? Like you're going to go and
bring your kids to school. If your cat goes missing and put
it up in the lamp. Put it was just putting the lamp
post up or having my pussy many yeah, but you know.
Join me from the next video. Imagine that Bonnie Blue lost
their cat. Lost their cat.
Or literal cat. Or literal.
Cat. Even Bonnie Blue blue waffle I

(25:07):
don't like the choice of blue inyour.
I've never seen that. The blue waffle?
You've never seen it. You've never Googled blue
waffle? So, and I'll tell you this also,
I don't know fully what it is, Ijust know what's something to do
with that vagina. Don't.
Do not Google it. Don't, don't, don't, don't bring
it. You're not getting to not see
it. Don't bring it up to live my
life. Don't bring it up.
Yes. No, no, no.

(25:27):
She. Describe it I don't want to see.
It I like waffles by the Jonas Brothers, that's as far.
As OK, well, I will describe it then I will look at it and
describe it. OK, I don't.
I don't think so. You've it's 100% been put in the
WhatsApp group you're in, no. I'm not in WhatsApp groups, I'm
only in one. Genuinely, I don't.
Right, so. Is it?

(25:48):
Is it rubbing against the jacket?
The Julie. The Julie, it's, it's like
you're going. To describe this.
For us, I will describe it. For you I will describe it.
I don't even know what it. Is.
I don't know what it is. You don't know what?
It is you sort of went knew something.
I know the area it's in. I don't know what makes it a
blue waffle. Hold on, it's actually showing
me blue waffles here. That's why I'm.

(26:09):
Trying to find. Blue water.
Is it a vagina? The.
Vagina. The vagina, right So.
Oh, so this is like a fucking? I thought this was like a
fucking her or something. No, no.
The blue waffle. The blue.
Waffle Oh, it also unlike somewhere where like Barry
Manilow would have had a residency.

(26:30):
Right. He's doing 20 nights at the Blue
Waffle, Yeah. That waffle sounds like
somewhere we do calmly. There's loads of.
Different blue waffles now. Oh, he knows this gig.
And Antwerp. So it's the.
Blue Waffle give him a shout. Is it a crusty folly?
Have you ever seen like the coral reefs?
Yeah. Right.
Imagine that growing on a vulva,right?

(26:55):
Well, this is These are pretty cold.
Put your hands up in this room if you've seen it.
I just looked, is that it? That's a lesser bad one, right?
That's not as bad as the action.The original blue waffle I shall
show you, right? There's there's the like.
That I have been to the I have swam at the coral reef and it

(27:17):
doesn't look like that. It's not in Australia.
In the Maldives there was a coral reef.
That looks like a OH. I'm thinking a Great Barrier
Reef. Cyber flashing you but yes.
So it's basically a septic vulva.
You ever been snorkelling? Snorkelling, hi and and the
McDermott. Is snorkelling a sex thing?

(27:40):
Is it? No, is it not?
I'm sure it is. Everything is a batch.
Literally everything is a batch.If you go, if I said can I try
on that Geely, people will be like he's trying to try on his
Geely. Yeah.
It probably is some sort of sex thing.
Do you ever hear me women calling them Gilletts from the
West? What money?
I'm Gallup. My favourite thing is worker
class people saying they're going to Portugal.
My Grand always said Portugal. Portugal, yeah.

(28:04):
And he's on the holidays coming up.
He's. Well.
Snorkelling in the front. We're going snorkelling Nikki
and I. We're going to San Francisco at
the end of the month. I'm just back.
Are you we? We're talking about doing gigs,
Sir. No.
Are you asking? Me about doing gigs, Sir.
No, no. No, if you're going to.
To San Francisco. Are you just going?

(28:26):
There, we're just going there for and it's their screen shoot
productions we're going with. What is it?
It's too windy. Is it really windy?
Yeah, with the play. It's great, they're gonna, it's
great, but it's really windy, soit's always cold.
Is it always cold? You should go to Alcatraz.
We want to go to Alcatraz. It's great.
But they might not let us out. Me and Sean Haggerty were there.

(28:47):
Really, what's it like? A couple weeks ago I'd done
Alcatraz before, so I just told him to go look right and I just
stayed on land. But he went and loved it.
Alcatraz to brilliant. Is it?
See, when they were in Alcatraz,they could hear if the wind was
blown a certain direction. They could hear people.
But there was like a Boat Club or something that had parties

(29:09):
back like on in San Francisco and they could hear people
having the party wind because the the sound will come towards
them. Get a that's.
Really far away. There's nothing worse than being
stuck somewhere one of, you know, they're having crack
elsewhere as well. You'd be like sounds like
brilliant crook. You don't see the tour of it.
Unbelievable, is it? It's definitely the list.

(29:33):
Did you see it? You've been San Francisco.
No, it's wild, by the way. Is it?
Don't go to the Tenderloin. Why not?
Nuts, please. Loads of blue waffle.
Loads of blue waffle. Yeah, we're going to the
Tenderloin. No, you can't.
You're you're you can't. Like especially at night, you
can't walk. Was it?
Is it actually really dangerous?I didn't realise I I knew.
All this really bad. Really.

(29:53):
Really. Bad.
I knew all this and I'd been to San Francisco two or three times
before and I still booked me insurance hotel on the edge of
it. And the guy when you're leaving
the hotel, the receptionist is like, have a great time, guys.
Just don't turn left, come out of the hotel, just always go
right 100%. Oh God.
It's insane, but you'll be nowhere near there.
It's insane and I want us on theroad.

(30:16):
I think so. Us too, in San Francisco.
It's going to be fun. What part are we staying in?
We're staying in the Mission District.
I'm sure it'll be all right. I'm sure it'll be all right, but
just a Tenderloin. You just don't.
You don't go near. Where's the hairiest place
outside a home you've ever been?Like somewhere you walk.
Tigers Bay. No, because we went on that trip

(30:39):
to Tijuana Manual and that's oneof the hairiest places.
I went in the real bottle estatein Paris did.
You. Yeah, By chance you were just
we. Just dog by accident.
Like walked until they state andthen started getting followed
and then realised that fucked up.
Oh, really? Yeah, you did.
You dig it up. I actually what freaked me out

(31:01):
just because I had her with me, right?
So I had been on my own. I would have been like scared,
but because she used with me, soI was like, right, I said, you
need to put your hands in your pocket, take all your rings off,
fucking hate them and whatever. And she was like, why?
And I was like, because we're being.
Fun. We're into this.
The same fella turned up in the shop every couple of 100 yards
at the front, Yeah, so whatever way he was going through alleys

(31:24):
or whatever and then coming backout.
So we were at the end. So the traffic got really bad
and I went wrong night and I made a run through traffic.
So there were big and there was 2 cops across the road.
And I got across the road and the cop looked across and he
said to us like, yeah, they werefollowing you.
You just were like a couple of streets away from being robbed.
Oh, don't. No beard.

(31:45):
What about Tijuana? Mexico, yeah, the goal when you
cross the border, we were in some San Diego when you cross
the border or whatever you do, just get in a cab and go right
in the middle of the town. What I heard was there's loads
of things where I go be alright,like when I got circumcised to
go don't walk, don't do anything, relax for like 2 days.

(32:06):
But I usually I always go to. Say that when I got the snap,
doesn't listen to it. Yeah, I went for.
A5 You said fucking balls were swelled up and bleeding, Yeah.
But it is medical effect. Shame, huh?
So you walked. You didn't.
I just went for a walk. OK, Mexico is just the oh, we.
We walked into the town. Stay in the resorts.
And it was it, it was, it was fine, but you could tell how

(32:29):
like this could be bad. Yeah.
And then? You could have died and drive by
a cartel. Drive by.
Yeah. Wow.
I would have like. What a way to go that'd.
Be quite cool. I would have somehow tried to
trick Sean into it. I wouldn't mean that be at my
headline. Like Rona Damon dies in Mexican
cartel shootout. No one's dead.
Like Broner Diamond dies from eating Patty McDonald's dodgy

(32:49):
finger. Cut your head off, like leave it
by the side of the road. Not Yeah, you're like a.
Date again. That's what they do.
You in a big cup? Yeah, deep with me now.
And here I'm in Amsterdam next week.

(33:10):
And it was actually thinking about you, not the because you
told me that you accidentally ate too much of that chocolate,
didn't you? And got really see I would have
a nervous breakdown because I'm lightweight.
I was. Crying.
I was at Dead Meat last year andI had Curry and I didn't know it
was fucking least. What Curry can have.
There was a guy made Curry that was least and there was like all

(33:32):
stuff going and I didn't know and then I was starting to freak
out. But I was convinced that Andre
Maxwell, the comedian looked after me all night and I sent
him a message and I was like mate, thank you very much.
And he was like, I was with you for like 2 months.
Really, you know he'd like Sherpa due through the whole
experience. Sherpa.
Like really worried about me andlike making sure I was well

(33:54):
watered and stuff. What was in it?
You're not a plant. It wasn't him.
It wasn't him, no. It's probably somebody like your
wife or. He says I was with him for like
5 months right? But he says you were all wasted,
so. I might.
He lived immediately it. Changed my concept of time.
So PSG were playing Barcelona that night and I want to watch

(34:17):
it and then maybe took the brownie at like 5:00 and the
game was at 8. The whole brownie.
Yeah, right. Again, the went don't eat the
whole thing, but I'm going to have to say that.
Be grand. I just, I have a wee touch of
that. To eat 1/4 of it at most.
And I went, I know what you're saying.
They're like, no, no, just eat a.
Quarter of it I said OK. And I made the mistake of.

(34:41):
I took like a little bit of it and then nothing happened.
I was like, this isn't working. I've been 4 minutes.
We're for Wall Street and I. And then it goes immediately
from this isn't working to call me an ambulance place.
Well, I thought when I got back to hotel I turned on TV and the
match was on, but I thought loads of time had passed but it
had been like like 2 hours sinceI've taken a brony.
I thought it was like 3 or 4 in the morning and I couldn't work

(35:04):
out why they were playing the game at that time of night.
And I thought there had been a terrorist attack in in
Barcelona. So that held the game up and I
started thinking of like, everyone who could have been
affected by it, and I started crying.
You went to there was a terrorist attack, so they only
postponed the football. Game yeah, I was like, they've
had to play this in the middle of night and I was thinking
about the players as well-being like they'll be so tired like

(35:25):
the next day and it made me real, it made me like.
Really emotional. Yeah, full tears.
Amazing all. Stop.
It was like why is this? Game on this time in the
morning. And but for this beer golf thing
that we're doing, I was going toit's going to maybe double
again. What be golf thing?
We're doing like a. You didn't get invaded because
you're. A woman and I can be.

(35:49):
Sober. Oh, was it a drinky thing?
Yes. Right.
OK, yes. Unless you want to jump back off
the waggon, follow just. To take a fucking Pavlova.
Did somebody say viral clips? You can make a blue waffle.
You know, don't tempt me. Bruno is serving a trademark
blue waffle. Yeah.

(36:10):
Very. Very good, like nothing of.
Greg Wallace, Like, let's go. See, if I was still on the
drink, I probably would have a blue waffle.
I joke. Still a virgin.
What are you talking about anyways?

(36:32):
Yeah, land, guys. I love you being an A A like I
had to give it up. Like, yeah, yeah, because it
was. Headed the blue waffle way.
Yeah, it was. The Mana Crusty Muff.
Couldn't walk crusty. Muff crusty muff actually sounds
like a barn banger Does does a crusty muff crusty muff?
Sounds like a sandwich that you can get one of those specialist

(36:54):
bakeries. All these mad bars.
The Crusty Muff. Yeah.
Where you playing tonight? Crusty Muff.
Yeah, people thought like, you know, she's walking funny.
She must be black now. Just.
If you had to live in another city in the world, where would
you live? Oh, Derry.
Really. Actually, I love Derry.
Yeah. I actually thought that I was

(37:14):
going to end up living in Derry and then had my wee son and I
just thought, well, I can't do that now.
But because, I don't know, it was kind of like stuck.
But then again, I should have just fucking moved to Derry
because it's not like if anybodyhelps me down here anyway.
People of such a mad thing to say.
You'll miss me when I'm dead. I could have moved to New Delhi.

(37:35):
New Delhi, but yeah, Derry, I just love it as a city.
I I know that's not very adventurous, but people are
friendly. There's a real outgoing sort of
vibe. There are people that are very
good theatre going community in Derry.
People are more I love you know,they all are so interested in
like going out and doing culturethings rather than just.

(37:58):
One of my favourite clothing brands, Storefront.
Storefront Dairy. Dairy What?
Are they still? Street wear hoodies, T-shirts,
jumpers, the brilliant and if. You put in T with me, you get
10% off, Yeah. I know where party would live.
You had live in different. Where would you?
Where would he live? No, actually no, I've changed
your mind. What is it?
He would go back to America and he'd live in.

(38:20):
No, he live in, can live in. You're like a bad medium here,
you know? It's like I'm getting on John
GM. Portugal.
No. I've never been to Portugal.
Have you not been to Portugal? Never.
Somewhere in Europe. No.
North America. No.
Australia. London, Australia.

(38:41):
Australia loves it. He loves it.
We do. You live in Perth from
Australia. Why?
Paddy McDonald, Crocodile Hunter.
He wants to be the new Steve Orwin.
Can you imagine that? Can you tell the fucking
glasses? You want to see my bagger?
But no, I really like Australianwas our Yeah, I just think it's

(39:02):
fantastic. What I watch was like people
that know that Sir and have their kids kids get up, go to
school and come back and go surfing on the beach and all.
I'm just like. And you love to get into the
Bush. What a what a fuck a life.
Blue waffle Bush. Yeah, that.
Sounds like a species of snakes Steve Orman would have been
hunting. Look, here's one.
Here a blue waffle. I love Steve Orton RIP that hit

(39:23):
me hard. I remember when he died I was
working at Mac and Ennies. I think you're actually on.
Do you not remember where you were, Patty?
Do you know, out of all the celebrities, there's two
celebrities? And I remember exactly where I
was when they died. Hey, Michael Jackson.
Where were you? I was in the house and I was
sitting on the fucking seat and I fucking threw my phone across

(39:45):
the room. Fuck Michael Jackson.
Fucking died. Holy fuck did he owe you money?
Yeah, Smooth Criminal and and the other one was back the black
singer. Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse
Where were even black? Taxis, it was in the boogies and
I says Amy Winehouse just died in the garden of boogies.
She's like, don't fucking do. Yes, you're a wanker.

(40:06):
You always do stuff like us now,but no one's like facing the
taxi rank. I says Amy Winehouse just been
found dead literally there and she's like, you're full of shit.
And the girl ended up fucking crying when she found out it was
true. Why do people cry whenever
celebrities die then? Because they feel like the
noodle. Supposed to do.
I I was on stage at Glasgowbury outside Derry, in between Derry,

(40:26):
Limavady, where that is and thenthe.
Sperm Mountains. Yep.
So why I announced it? As soon as I was about to walk
on stage, I was like Amy Winehouse dead.
So I just walked on and went, folks.
Amy Winehouse just died. But anyway, my dad's a bit of a
crazy character. Everyone straight away just got
their phone out. The whole audience got their
phone. Out and was looking.

(40:47):
And texting people so I lost theroom.
You have to. Yeah, absolutely.
So her death. Rude ruined your gig.
Ruined her death, ruined my show.
Totally. Ruined.
Never forget. Yeah, I.
I thought she was great. Yeah, she was great.
I remember watching about two weeks before she died.

(41:07):
I saw her, she was on stage and whoever pooed.
I only saw her two weeks ago. I saw her two weeks ago.
No, I remember looking at her onstage and going that girl's
gonna die soon. Oh, she was on the she was going
5050 there for a while. Yeah, the old heroin.
She'd have went to RE. No, but apparently she died
because she was them having fingers for dessert.
She was bulimic. Oh, right, right, right.

(41:30):
Yeah, she was bulimic. So you meant Cadbury's?
I was like, no problem, no problem there.
Good. To say I haven't heard of
fingers either. What the fuck is?
That there's a guy I bit your finger off.
He had bulimia as. Well, do you know funny stories?
See, when I they get my finger bit off and everybody came to
see me in the Ulster Hospital. Every brought everybody without
realising what they've done, brought me in their chocolate
fingers, coconut fingers. They.
Didn't really. Support the fuck?

(41:52):
It was like, it's definitely a subconscious thing where you're
like, yes. Were were in Australia that you
went would you move to Melbourne?
Perth person we built more like homeless because not a big
massive city. What?
There were powerholes in the streets every night.
It was spotless, spotless and itwas like a mini taxes Dallas
field to it was plenty of money in it and I just.

(42:15):
You planning on moving there or robbing it?
When I get there, but I just loved the whole feel of it and.
It's a very relaxed way of life.I would bring kids up here.
It had like a country feel, onlyit was a big city.
Yep. Do you want to know something
that sounds a bit drab? I love weather though.
Like, as much as I love the summer.

(42:35):
You want a bit of rain. Then again, you know when if you
want to listen to some atmospheric music and feel sorry
for yourself, you want a bit of rain.
In the shower every morning. No, but like you know, I love
whenever drencher you know what autumn or like in the winter
when it's freezing and you get in your whack A heap.
I've. Not got a dresser?
Party, stop asking her. Sounds dirty party, yeah.
When you four times in a second.Seriously.

(42:55):
Have you got a drencher, bro? Have you got a drencher?
Show me your dagger and I'll tell you I've got a drencher.
And I'll show you my drencher. A transfer.
A transfer for a dagger. Yeah, we're wrong, Pete.
We're not well. I I can totally see it.
Yeah. And I understand why young
people do have a drencher. Do you?
Is that the big round one above you?

(43:17):
I have a small drencher. OK, and I give yourself a bit.
Of but the drenchers, you've done it but it.
It it's powerful. Does it small boyfriend you can
put the sounds on and they understand.
On do you have? AI don't have almost sounds.
No, like in the Gal gorm you can.
Put it on your phone. Oh.
Tunes like. You can put like it sounds of
the forest or fucking. And I hang on, when you go to
the Gal Gorn, you can go in and there's this week thing in a

(43:39):
place Thunder sounds and. All.
Salt in your. Feet salt from the Gal Gorn.
Yeah, shaped. Paddy, you've changed man.
You want to go. To I have a.
Room in the Gal Gorn. Want to live in Perth?
Fucking real quiet place. No 100%.
But I I can, since I went there a couple of times, I can see why
young people from here go because I didn't get it.

(44:00):
That's the crack with them, but they're like, you can't go if
you have a terminal. Record.
Used to be you only got fucking centre if you had a criminal
record. You got centre as a punishment.
I was only getting arrested because I wanted to get in.
Yeah, like what's going to buildup my point?
That's right. Back in the day, Grand Belt,
there was no food. You've just fucking stole a loaf
and you're like lifted. And they're like, listen, we're

(44:21):
going to send you to Australia and you're raved in Australia.
I love holiday. And pretend not to be buzzing.
You're like I said, shit. Yeah.
Where'd your brother go from theroad?
Freezing here. Babe, what do you mean?

(44:42):
Yeah. Weather is here, wish you.
Were lovely. Oh.
Man, on that grey hood burns thebird there.
We fuck another grey hood. Stomach.
A grey hood. So my tummy's rumbling.
I should have eaten. Do you know what you call that
sound? Borber rig me.
What? Borber rig me.
What's? That's what you call the sound
that your Tommy makes whenever. Borg me Yeah, sounds like

(45:03):
someone would have been a Mac and.
Any. I always think it's Borg me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I tell you no one else has
ever thought that in history? Yeah.
I know, but my my podcast calledword up so I think of we I like
weird words and phrases. But yes, the Borg me hanging out
of me here. Any new words at?
The minute. What was the word the other day?

(45:24):
So ersatz will have the ersatz. Ersatz is like whenever you get
a shit version or something, right?
So do you know the way you get like, umm, some people have Naik
and then some people will get like nabes from Timo.
Do you know what I mean? So ersatz is like a second hand
version or something. You know, like you can go.
Using a sentence. So, right, so you could say that

(45:45):
like Maxwell Houses are Sats, you know.
Doesn't sound right. Nest Cafe.
Do you think? How do you spell ERZITZ?
Yeah. Or is it SATZ ersatz?
So you'll say like you're somebody.
'S like in was an ersatz. Do you know the way we'll go?
Like they're fucking Teamu portion backs, do you know what

(46:08):
I mean? So it's like the ersatz.
The lesser version of something is the ersatz.
I can't take anything else in like that's not making its way
into my brain. I was thinking about any blue
there. When you said I'm not taking
anything else, then I was like she.
Needs There's another 788 to go.Yeah, Oh my God, Can you imagine
Jesus Christ? I am you.
Wouldn't be bothered. Gigging in Australia is the
best. Is it?

(46:28):
Oh, it's unreal. It's.
The best I would like to gig in Australia I shall go down under.
Should we be far? Wasn't it Kelly Irish?
Yes. That's a good story.
Heath Ledger is in a movie abouthim, isn't it?
It's really good. It is a good story.
Yeah. Ned Kelly, All the best
criminals were Irish over there.You know I I wanna do a series

(46:51):
where I. Just a pitch.
Tell the story, yes, of people that you didn't know were Irish.
Right. But were and you go on explore
the. Story.
Barack Obama. Yeah.
Wait, no, not that you didn't know, but you might not know

(47:12):
what they did. The man that invented the
immersion heater was Irish. Of course he was.
Put him on the standby list of people were doom.
The man that invented the submarine was Irish, was he?
Who's the guy? The man that invented the modern
tattoo gun was Irish. Who was the guy that was manager
Barcelona? Patrick.

(47:34):
Patrick called him Patricio, butit was Patrick something.
Did you see that guy in French speaking in French?
He actually. Not only did he manage them, he
saved them. Yes, O'Connell, O'Connell,
Patrick O'Connell he saved. That episode 1.
Right, there you go. I want to do one on Hercules
Mulligan. Who's that?
He's from Korean and he went over to America and he was one

(47:57):
the one like the founder fathersof America.
Hercules. He was.
He's from Coleraine. He was called Hercules.
Hercules. But.
His dad, he may be definitely eating a special mushrooms, a
green face. He maybe changed it when he got
there to sound cooler. We heard it.
Being like, I bet his name was like Henry.
Yeah. Brian.
Henry. Mormon Mccatchet.
He he was he spied on British troops during the the war in

(48:22):
America. The root goods are coming.
Oh, so was he a big thing when it came to the this simple?
You know the play, Hamilton, Yes, He's like a big part of it.
Oh, is he? Children.
Yeah, he's in that too. What films?
Patriot. What's that?
Heath. Ledger.
Once again and Mel Gibson. And the fight against the
British Germans in that. I'm reading about the American
Civil War. Are you What's the best, What's

(48:44):
the most interesting thing you've read recently?
See, here's the thing with me inbooks.
I enjoy them at the time as I'm reading it, but then I don't
retain anything. But I am at the time.
Yeah. Umm, but it was.
Like get it invented the the water system that brought water
to LA was Irish as well. I knew that because Patrick,
he's documentary. And umm, yeah, so he was.

(49:06):
And then he just, he'd done something where he'd done some
dodgy work or some dodgy thing and then, well, clearly they
don't talk. It would have to be.
That he didn't come back again when the tarmac was falling off.
He brought he brought water to LA, Yeah, which is going to be
the next war in the. World, What the hell am I?
We are lost in like water, so there's like not enough water to

(49:27):
go a bit. In LA.
But the sea? They have those big air.
What about it? Would you boil up?
Not at once. There's salt in it.
But we could boil it like take awee bit.
There's a load of water in the sea.
You're. Starting to see things like now
like green on that. They're trying to fucking take
that because of the minerals andstuff like that.
Yep, and the one candidate for minerals as well.

(49:49):
It always fascinates me that a slam is green and Greenland.
Is going to be the next thing. That's what I'm saying.
So they're starting to go in nowabout minerals and stuff like
that, but they expect things going to be water.
Have a thought about this rain? Yeah.
Pocket. Catch rain water.
Yeah. No, we're, we're going to be OK.
All right, who isn't Greenland? No.

(50:10):
Well, I think they'd be OK to. Oh, places where it doesn't
rain, Yeah. Oh yeah.
So it'll be a commodity like there is going.
To be so we can make a few. Well, have you see of all them
Folk and Haylon spring bottles up?
We sell Yeah water because people are trying to buy well
wells on them and it will happenon a well.

(50:32):
I'm just sitting here going to my plane just crash.
No, but what? Are we talking?
About right, I've heard of that.Like water war and all.
And people just take. It what is the new oil because.
We can just go in and turn it on, do you know what I mean?
But it is going to be another thing that there be war over,
Like is the fate over oil and the fate over all them other
things. Another great movie, Water
World. Yeah, it's all about water.

(50:53):
Kevin Costner I love. Kevin, it is brilliant movie,
but isn't it? He's sexy.
He is sexy, OK, like a better Kevin.
Costner. No.
Have you seen him in Yellowstonethese days?
I watched, I started watching Yellowstone.
He is, He's hot. He is a bit hot.
He'd be my, I think. I think Yellowstone has brought
back women wanting men's men again.
Women always want men's men. No, they haven't.

(51:14):
Rugged men like yourself. Yes, because it changed for a
way like women were into the fucking real, like eyebrows done
and all that. No, and then I women are women
aren't back at no Yellowstone fucking horse.
Right. Where do you sit here?
On the I don't want a man who spends more time on his personal
care routing than I do. Do you know what I mean?

(51:36):
Like look well make sure like the manscaped thing, make sure
your man skipped right. Do not expect me to do that and
you don't do it. What?
All right. I thought you were like, I'll
not be doing it, but you do it. No, no, no.
Don't we do that? Well, I do it for me basically.
But yes, you know, you can have whatever you want in there.
Just don't expect me to like it.But I don't like all this too

(51:59):
preppy. That's just me.
I don't like if they're putting makeup on.
And that's fine if you if you aren't trying to attract a
woman. But if I'm wearing makeup and
you're wearing makeup, it's not going to wear makeup.
It's not going to what's. Feeling paranoid now?
I don't. I just don't.
Remember, beers can't wear makeup.
You can see it. So you mean that's why I don't
know beard? So you mean there's a there's a

(52:22):
balance there? There's a good but you need to
look after yourself. Good personal hygiene.
Take a bit of pride in the way you look, but you see whenever
they're like going to the barbers and I saw this guy
sitting. I took my kids.
That's one place I don't really feel like women belong is the
barbers. Men are tickled to their we
spaces too, but I felt like I was.
What we spaces? Are we allowed?
Imposing the. Barbers.

(52:43):
Oh, the barbers were there. And this guy was the bookies and
the barbers. There's a guy sitting there.
What else do you want? What else you want and?
He box in his hand right, and hewas looking dead sort of shifty
and I was like, I'm not I feel like I'm maybe not supposed to
see something here and he palmedthe wee box off like and he

(53:04):
loved himself. He was in some good shape.
It was a dive. He was getting as beard and as
her died, like the whole thing died and all those wee waxy
things up their nose and get youknow, and I thought, Ah, I'm not
supposed to be here, but also down your beard, dude, Why?
Yeah. You know.
I was. This is natural.
I would I would dynamite becauseit's gender.

(53:26):
You don't need to though. I know, but I don't like the
colour of it. I like a beard, but.
The grey is coming through and Ithat's, that's the look.
That's the look. That's what I'm waiting on.
That's what I'm like, Yes. The grey beard, yeah.
I know. Oh, my God.
Paddy. Yeah.
You were born to have a grey beard.
Actually, I don't know what happened to me there.

(53:48):
I like, I mean, I, I don't think, I don't know, I like the
idea of great. I do have great hair.
Can you grow a beard? Nah.
You don't look like they can grow 1.
Like it would could technically be a beard, but it wouldn't.
But all men can eventually, onceyou're shaving your whole life
your your beard, eventually justgrow it.
Actually I get stubble but it's just it's not a beard.

(54:09):
Have you ever tried to grow longer?
No. Given that she think you would
suit a beard. Jordan would love that.
Like I've tried a moustache for My issue is my hair is too
light. It just doesn't like you can't.
See it? You might need to die yours.
If you've done the moustache, you would look like a young like
the character Kevin Costner has in Yellowstone.
Don't tell me out because I'm that's me, not shaving.

(54:31):
Honestly, I think you would think the young guy, the
players, a young Kevin Costner just has the mistake.
Yeah, I think you would, yeah. It's made my day.
No. Tell you what, the comments
section on this, but that has made my day.
Why would the comments? People be like, no, I just.
Go on will sponsor you do the grow grow for Movember do.

(54:53):
You know, fucking ringer for andI know you look like loads of
people. Johann Croy when he was.
Young, yeah, of. Me.
It's like really close. There's an image of him holding
the trophy when he played for IAX.
Oh my God. I knew.
I don't know. It's not me.
I don't know. It's not you.
I might be him and I've had a car.
Actually genuinely like so fucking close I.
Really I need to look. Everybody hinks.
He looks like a young Putin, buthe doesn't like the eyes.

(55:15):
Nose too bubbly in him. But you know what?
I. Mean, who's it called you?
Sorry. Johan Cruyff.
Johan so Jo. Yeah, H.
Han. C.
RUYFF spitting image. But when he's younger.
Yeah. He's a bit more crowy looking.

(55:38):
Thank you you. I'm not blowing smoke up your
whole but you are better looking.
If I did have to look like a bird, what bird do you think I'm
most like? We Robin.
We Robin yeah, they say you're either more what is it rat or
like people in general fall intothose two categories, rat or
bird. Is it like that's?
The way I've never heard. I've never heard of it.

(56:00):
No, I've never. Heard of but it's your new BBC
NI show rather bird rather we just walk up to your.
City centre, let me see your bird.
Get your attic. Something that you would have
heard in a kitchen at 5:00 in the.
Morning. Yes, maybe.
Maybe. What's the weirdest thing you've
ever heard of 1 then? Do you know what?
Because I can tell you I know exactly my.
There was a party up in a kitchen and poke last night.
I didn't happen to be here this night but I heard all about it

(56:23):
in the kitchens in work the nextday.
So where's this fella sitting there?
It was a girl that I know her boyfriend and they were all
wiped out on ease and everybody was listening to music and
turned around and he was just sucking the handle of a pot,
just sucking it right and off pot completely forgot like where

(56:45):
he was for a start. And then apparently it was the
chef. It was telling me Mark, he was
like Bruno. It was kind of one of those
moments where the music just went off and everyone was just
looking and then he realised andhe just looked up and went and
left the party. And then I was asking about this
and he was like, nobody has seenhim since.

(57:07):
He may be living in Perth now for all we know, but yeah.
Sucking off pot just. Sucking off a pot pot handle.
What were you able to say? Well, mine's was I was at a
party and the people that owned the house were in bed.
So we found out that we were at a party.
So somebody had brought us back to party and then realised the
people weren't up and they left.So you broke into somebody's

(57:28):
houses? Yeah, technically.
And then I was like, well, we shouldn't be here.
And they were like, oh, but we can't go anywhere else.
But then I realised I didn't know both the people.
Bizarre. And then they realised that they
didn't know us either each other.
So we smoked all the fags that we had, but Ronald of everything
else that we had. So they were like, what are we
going to do here? And then one of the fellas just

(57:49):
then started thinking, overthinking, and he's off his
head and drugs and he went TRD. I was thinking about this like,
I don't know, used to, but I need to tell us to somebody.
Do you ever think if you turned yourself inside out and you
poured milk over your head, would it stink?

(58:10):
And I looked at the old. Ladies.
That's what he said but I lookedat the other fella at the time
and I went to want to get a taxiand he went oh we left see like
2 weeks later I thought about itand I and actually isn't a bad
thought because milks used to like soothe heartburn in.
Your foot. If you're actually turning your
flesh inside out, I would. It would.

(58:31):
Hurt, but I don't even milk whenI.
Yeah, I can never get the answer.
Yeah, there's only one way to find out.
Clip time. Get a knife.
Yes, let's do it. But I just imagine this person
turned inside out putting milk. I actually think it would.
It would soothe. I think you would soothe, yeah.
You would feel a lot. Better.
Well, that's a wee bit better, but still like, not.

(58:52):
But also can somebody please on inside out my skin please?
Don't say that on the because you see 2025, you say that
you'll get messages. What do you mean people want to
do that? People.
If Bruno goes, I want people to turn my skin inside out,
somebody will reply. Do you actually want me to do
that? Oh my God.
I get the boss down from Andrew.No, there's.
A guy one time put up a thing about he wanted somebody to come

(59:14):
and eat his testicles and watch it.
I know. No, it was just it was a Dick.
It's that like those people thatlike, like having it stood on
with heels. And no, this is way past that.
I don't get that. What do you mean like?
This is like a guy who. Oh, he in Germany he sent out a
message saying I want somebody to cut my Dick off.
Needed no. Sorry, he wanted to be eaten
alive and then he did it. Yes, and then the first thing

(59:35):
they did was fried his cock at it.
But. Too chewy?
Yeah, I can imagine. Like what would you do with the
garlic butter or something? Oh yeah, now we're talking.
Or you could like put something in it.
I stuff it. Yep.
Like down the middle, it would need to be like just fucking a
scallion or something, you know,scallion and like straight down,

(59:56):
straight through it because it would go straight through and
you'd be like what? About a WE sticker, you can make
it sweet WE stick of vanilla. And I don't think sweet cock
would be nice. It need to be like fried wrapped
in bacon if he's if he's circumcised because you need
something around the outside. Do you know what I mean?
And then like stuffed with sage and onion and fried in garlic
butter. I would eat.

(01:00:16):
My mouse water. It's.
A lot of jocks. What specials have you?
Yeah, this isn't Dick scuffing at all.
It's lovely. And though some guy will be
messing and you're like, I'm getting humour right now.
But like, if it's a sexual thing, right?
See if it's some kind of paraphilia.
Surely if they cut your deck offyou're not going to enjoy that.

(01:00:37):
No, thank you. Do gradually you would
definitely you'd be. Just before I go onstage, like,
think of what he was doing before, Yeah.
Get really nervous, yeah. Yeah, well, I don't know there.
Have you seen the video of that guy who put like a rubber band
around his bollocks and waited for them to turn black and.

(01:00:57):
Cut them off, madness. Don't you?
I do. No, I don't want people on the
Internet. I see you having kids.
I you wouldn't even. That's why I can be all about
top groups. No, I.
Don't want the stuff that gets saved in your in your arc.
Your phone from what? But I don't get the good my
Curtis is in WhatsApp groups with guys from here and he lets

(01:01:17):
me go on his phone because he's like, you'll like this?
Yes, he's not interested. You want to be in the.
I want to be in the guys WhatsApp group and he'll like
show me all the mad stuff and I'll.
Go I just. Want to like Get Ready with me
videos and all that kind of stuff?
Yeah, I, I don't want the girls group chat, I want the lads
group chat so that I can be nosybecause they get all the best.
Do you know what I mean? Like this one's doing this and

(01:01:38):
this one's doing. Do you remember that video about
all the guys in Scotland and thefootball team that were bragging
one another? No.
See this is a transfer. So there was this football team
in. Looking left.
I'll tell you now, I'm a goal, but he.

(01:02:02):
Just did the physio. They were all they were living.
In an hour, you see me in socialmedia with a shirt, You look.
We've seen Johan crave Don't yougive your real name because you
don't want people to know your real.
Name. So what so?
They were all from. Was it Stranraer or something?
Makes sense? Now, so they Yeah.
Stranraer. Stranraer, Yes, Stan's rear

(01:02:26):
they. So surprisingly.
One of the girls, one of their girls was away and had a Ring
doorbell and he told her he was going to bed and she was like,
well clearly you're not because we're just seeing a lot of
people coming in. So she she got suspicious and
she went through his phone rightnow.
They tried to crack that. They all just ended up wiped out

(01:02:47):
at a party and writing each other.
But I've seen the videos and this thing was pre planned
because they were all wearing lingerie and shit.
So the whole football team. There's no way you get 11 guys
to get in on this. There was about.
Six or seven of them, right? Half the football team maybe,
yeah, unless it was 5, say, and they were two extras, right?
But they were all very much, very much enjoying themselves.

(01:03:10):
And then as obviously these group chat things go, somebody
has done the whole deep dive andwent on, they can find their
Facebooks and this one has a kidand this one's married and this
one this and this one's this. And like full blood samples,
like blood tape, everything you could find out where they lived.
And I was just so far, I was like.
The manager told us to get ballsin the box.
Yeah. It's just a team building.

(01:03:32):
Yeah, that's what it was. They're literally just crawling
all over each other. It is mental.
But I was like, what? And Kurt was like, I don't look.
Yeah, yeah. But he was.
He was like, I haven't watched them.
And I was like, well, I'm watching them.
So that's the kind of stuff thathe gets.
And he's like here enhance me asphone and I'm like.
I love these like I've never watched them.

(01:03:55):
Yeah, no, he genuinely, because I know whenever like the group
chat, see the stag group chat, he doesn't open it and there's
like I go, you have about 300 unread messages and he goes, I
don't have fucking time to sit and I'm like what I do.
Party SSE Arena, He's back November 7th of November.
What is a fucking crack? You and fucking Willy both got

(01:04:18):
it wrong. Willy actually off by heart.
Know your. Date.
It's October. October, yes.
October the 17th. 2025. 25 very.Good McDonald.
Back in the SSE. Goats out.
Goats out and I'm turn as well. I'm going to be turn talking to
Joe and Shane about it. So I'm going to be doing like

(01:04:39):
obviously not the SS. Later in the year.
In yes, October, November, umm, I'm doing just all the way, you
know, like the venues, the lame,like the fucking Mandela, that
sort of stuff, you know, keepingit small town because I'm not
going to be fucking telling feeling anything.

(01:04:59):
I'm not going to be fucking. Shut up.
Get them to come into your show.You want to see a blue level.
But yes, I am going to be doing like my first ever what's a show
called Decent, decent tour. I was actually thinking a call,
not just something that I say all the time.
Don't realise this, not me. That's good.

(01:05:19):
Not I mean. Do you have a thing for?
The show, not, I mean just the theme is going to be like all
the shit that like is my bugbearand because that's whenever I'm
like talking about stuff that really fucking annoys me and I
go, do you know what I mean? And like a lot of people don't
know what I mean. Once you actually have the
dates, come back on. Yes, definitely.

(01:05:41):
Thank you very much. Patreon.com/TV Podcast if you
want more from the pod in a couple days.
We're about to film the next special.
All the previous ones are up on there.
This goes out on next Wednesday.Wednesday 60s Well, I've still
got the Dagger tour happening, so come to that before.
Are you going to show people your dagger on the dagger tour?

(01:06:02):
No. Thanks in description link a
lobby in Cheers. Everybody, thank you.