315. The Sheikh, The Fat Sl*t and The Chicken Licker with Eshaan Akbar and Dave Elliott

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I love Jack Black. I'm actually going to go watch
the Minecraft probably. One of my favourite blacks.
Can I same here? No, sorry.
That's right. Same here.
The pod started Can I Can I offer a Can I offer a
controversial take on Jack? Black.
Oh, I think it's on Blacks, please.
On Jack Black, yeah. Is he a bit much?

(00:23):
Is he a bit much? Is there?
Is there an argument that he's abit much?
No. On what basis?
Like sometimes you hate joy, sometimes you eat a dish and you
go, oh, that's nice for like a mouthful, but I couldn't have a
full. He's going around doing that.
He's. You never have a dessert and you
go, oh God, that's great, but it's so filled.
You know what, recently my olderage I've realised like I I want

(00:44):
dessert but not a whole thing. I do know what you mean.
I want like Jack Morsel. I love Jack Black, but I did one
bite of I don't have a bite of him.
Then you love him. I do love him, but I I he's very
rich and he is right. He's done everything.
He's in everything. I no, I think Jack Jack Black is
one of the few people left who just exudes joy.
But is he crying inside? Is he doing too much joy?

(01:05):
Like, do you think he cries in the shower?
No, because he's like fat. He doesn't care.
Last two, you know what I mean? Just there, Dave.
Yeah, Dave hates. I don't know what I said.
Can I tell you something Dave hates?
I love it. Dave hates it when there's like
Fat Panther and he's brought into.
It with you're one of us he eventouched.

(01:28):
Me in a minute I got the the absolute, almost unbelievable
insult. The other night after a gig, I
was up having a great, I think Iwent real.
I really enjoyed that. And then Alan Irwin, some old
fella walked up to him and he was like, it's just not for me.
And he was like hot and he goes some fat slut just slagging
himself off. I was like, wow, I've never been

(01:49):
called a fat slut before. I was like, it was a great and
so that's that's my new show, fat slut.
Well, you do if. You are a fat slut.
That's impressive, yeah. Were you doing anything like
provocative during the game? Nothing.
Nothing. That I would say.
You like making it out that you like, you know, you're a big
player or anything. No, absolutely the opposite.

(02:09):
Quite, quite the contrary. Yeah.
And and he just, I don't know what.
Maybe he just thought there was a sexiness and whatever I was.
I would love it like Ishantian or Sunday newspaper share.
They're big and they're like paramilitaries, right?
Right. Like they love it, like all the
gossip about them and stuff. But what the gossip section
about paramilitaries? Pretty much.
Really. Yeah, so they'll always up to

(02:30):
something because they're bad. Boys, they're up to something
yet, like a new racket they've got going.
But they get, they talk, they give them like a nickname.
All the paramilitary guys have their normal name and then like
a nickname. And so it'll be like, you know,
Hammer or whatever. Hamas.
Hammer. Oh.
Hamas hammer something like. A Bachelor.
The Hammers. Hammer.

(02:50):
That's going to be my wrestling name.
I swear. I'm going to be paragliding into
the ring. See.
What this looks like this is like a James English podcast
called reconciliation At the endof I go, you guys actually get

(03:10):
on Will I'll. Be like I'm not ready for the
shake yet, but. Don't He's not a shake.
That's. 5 minutes. That is all that show.

(03:34):
Anyway, now where are you from, Misha?
Did anybody happen to me yesterday?
Got the taxi and the guy goes tome.
Where are you from? And I said London, and there's a

(03:54):
bit of silence was. This here by the way, sorry.
Yeah, in Belfast and he goes London.
I said he goes where? Which part?
And I said E he goes, OK, cool. And then he started naming
random South Asian countries. He went Pakistan.
I'm like, what? And he said India.

(04:15):
Have you got a quiz? In your ear or something trying
to answer the quiz questions just they read themselves to
work out. Because we would like, we would
clumsily see that kind of thing as endearment.
You know, what's like the guy like just wants you to be like,
acknowledge something. You know, he thinks that's like,
that's lovely what he's doing. But it's like going up to like a

(04:38):
black person going. I can't.
Go Zipper's This episode of the Tears Me podcast is sponsored by
none other than our friend at that Prize Guy.
We're talking about Ireland's largest price.
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(05:00):
of the draws that are happening right now.
I'm talking like what done. 150 grand being given away on May
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for a ticket for that down 75 points. 499. 499 do you say
change of a fiver? Yeah, one pay like, but still

(05:20):
that that that is there's more going like you can win things
like I'm not saying specificallythis, but like you could get a
jet he's given away jet skis he's given away.
I'm saying in the past he'd giveyou like he'll do.
Your Jacuzzi will be like 50 grand.
Porsche. A Porsche.
For 95 P entry. Have you been serious right now?

(05:44):
A Porsche for 95 PA change out of a change out of a quid?
Like that's unbelievable. People throw # coins away
nowadays # coins just check it'sa north down thing.
But like I'm just saying people like back in the day upon coin,
you'd be have a pint. Now people you know have a wee
10 for them or something. Maybe save them up.

(06:06):
But but if you you could win a Porsche, that's that's insane.
That prize guys made 9 millionaires.
Sometimes they do £1,000,000 draws, which is unbelievable.
That prize guy.co.uk. The link is in the description.
I also need to point you in the way of our patreonpatreon.com/T
with me podcast. We're now doing a thing where

(06:28):
everyone knows on a Tuesday you get early access to the main
episode. Well, that is ad free ad free
episodes a day early. Oh my God.
And you know, the likes of this episode today, you know, you
could you, you could be in the playground telling you if I
don't know why you're in the playground 37, but but you could
be saying to your friends, did you hear on the episode that

(06:49):
Dave, Elliot, Nishan or whateverthey were talking about this
without your friends are going to go on.
What are you talking about? You know, because you got it a
day early. And we might also do another
tier where it's just ads. You can just listen to odd rates
if you want, if there's enough interest in that patreon.com/TV
and me podcast, all the specials, all, there's
everything on there. There's 6% of Internet content

(07:12):
is on our Patreon. That prize guy patreon.com/timmy
Volgas has a long URL. Let's just get back to the
episode. Have you been over here much
before? This is my fourth time I think.
All comedy related All comedy. Related first time I was filming
Celebrity Mastermind. What was your special?

(07:35):
Subject It was actually a Pakistani singer.
That driving is a good job to befair, Pakistani singer called
Nasafat Ali Khan. I only know Punjabi MC.
Do you like everybody? Right.
We did, let me be honest, let mebe real.

(07:56):
We did a light podcast in New York and we had like a cocktail
during it was during the day andI don't really drink.
And I decided when Punjabi MC was mentioned in the room
because we were talking to a fewIndian guys at the show, I
decided to give give a few bars nobody want.
Like there was multiple times when Dave was going to me.
I think you should stop doing this.

(08:17):
And I was like, what? You sign it?
Yeah. But I thought I was really good
at it, but there was a moment where the whole room just went.
Can I? Can I hear it?
Now I start, let me tell you, yes, I start strong with it.
Yeah. And then I'll lose it pretty
quick. OK, that's fine, obviously.
Mimi have the human, human, human.

(08:40):
I hate Carol. No, that's all I can do.
That's not bad. Because the first bot, the first
minute of it's good, me, me Anna, like that is good.
But then I don't know the rest of the words, do you?
Know what the song is about? No.
Does anybody know what the song's about?
No, it's about it's about telling a woman to reject the
creep, right? It's a really like female
empowerment song, right? Being like, listen, they're

(09:02):
going to be creeps in the club coming up to you.
You deserve better than that. You're a Princess.
Save yourself Monday after, but you save yourself from the men.
That's what the song is about. That'll be a good thing for you.
The creep, the Sheikh, the fat slot in the creep.
I got the. Fat slot the Sheikh in the
creep. Yeah, that sounds like any bar
in a city. I want to make that into a

(09:22):
children's book. Yeah, yeah.
And the first time you came over, like I always think people
love Belfast. There's this new thing of like,
we think everyone loves Belfast,it's number one tourist city and
everyone thinks it's great. Is it great or is it just fine?
I love Belfast. Yeah, I really don't.
I think it's a brilliant city. I think it's a very pretty city.
Doesn't get enough. OK, I just like.

(09:45):
No, I just like that you think that.
Oh OK, No one really says that about I.
Thought you thought I was talking about you.
No, no, no. I assume you think I'm pretty.
You're fine. Belfast.
I'm not sure. Yeah, but fine.
Isn't like fine or like fine? Fine, fine.
Fine. As in like don't use the last
milk, last bit of milk to make your tea.

(10:05):
Yes, that cup of tea, fine. That's fine as long as.
It's tea. Tea.
Tea. Tea, tea.
Yeah. You like tea?
I love tea. You love tea?
Favourite thing? One of my favourite things.
What? It's fair things tea.
Comedy for the Ball BBQ. You didn't have a tea sticker
actually, did you? Not yet.
Tea or Tea with me stickers. Get that on.

(10:25):
What just happened? I don't know for self past is do
what I like about it. The hills, yeah, it's small.
The hills are nice. When you drive around.
Did the hills that I'm talking about I saw some hills.
Probably like, yeah, it could beketo with the zoos up.
Yeah, whatever the hill. Whoa, Dan, what the hell?

(10:45):
What? Dan just had a bit of Tourette's
here and just said black. Oh, Black Hill back.
Mountain. Unbelievable of that easy black
hill, although yesterday I had two bad dining experiences.
In one day. In one day, don't.
Name a name, but give us a genre.
Chinese and pizza, right? The pizza thing was my fault

(11:11):
because if you go late night forpizza, you must always go to a
place where pizza is one of the options.
OK, I'll get to a place that's kebab, chicken, pizza, fish.
Yeah, so you go. They're going to have good
pizza. If you go to a place that does
just pizza on a night out, then it's going to be bad pizza.

(11:31):
I'd. Have thought the opposite and I
don't like guys who just dip dipin the pizza.
No, I think if you go to chickenshop, pizza is amazing.
A kebab shop burger is amazing. They that that works best.
But if you just go to a late night pizza joint that does just
does pizza, it's gonna be shit as it was just.
But there is one that is the theMecca in Belfast and that's

(11:53):
that's amazing. Sorry, what?
People just walking around it, yes.
We understand though, today. Everyone's facing the same
direction. It's Little Italy.
See Little Italy, please. Please say.

(12:15):
That again, Little Lily, you can't, right?
Here's the thing. We have a pizza shop called
Little Italy. Little Little Italy.
But when you're drunk, when everyone's drunk, just Little
Lily, they just blows. But Little you can't find this
place sober. You can't find it.
It doesn't exist, right? You have to have had four or

(12:37):
five pints and then. You will see it will like a
mirage. But it's unbelievable and these
guys like everyone congregates Friday, Saturday night, everyone
trying to get a pizza. It's chaos.
And see no matter what fights are going on inside it, no
matter what, the guys that work there, just business.
There's no fights. Inside, they've respect for
them, yes. Do they do anything else other
than pizza? Just pizza and it's

(13:00):
unbelievable. Yeah, Belfast has great pizza
places. Little Italy float.
I'm sure there's more. You did a pizzas.
They've launched a series with Pizza 1 episode.
Yes, one episode, but I can there'll be more if we just but
we went to the best freeing a pizza and don't make a day.
That's right, yeah. Can we and this feed very
generic pod question, but can wejust do a good on the subject?

(13:21):
If what what do you like on yourpizza?
And I would never ask that on a pod, but I feel like what we've
just discussed it might lead into the lead into this nicely
in. Terms of what I like on a pizza,
yeah, OK, so I'm sorry if it's if.
Can I, can I find out what you like on a pizza sober?
And then what do you like on a pizza when you're drinking?
That is a very good question because they are two different

(13:41):
things. Exactly.
Sober, I like any kind of beefy topping, so I like spiced beef,
red onions, chilies, bitter pineapple.
That offsets it a bit, yeah. Just bounces it out, yeah.
Yeah, but late night there is nothing better than a Donna
Kebab pizza. Fuck me sideways, Kabita bro.

(14:05):
That 100% looks like you're if you're Turkish I.
Can do. I can go from being me to being
Turkish for the facial expression.
OK. Yeah.
Kabit, what's your name? My name, yeah.
Yeah, Where you from, Marek? Barack Marek.
Marek. Yeah, Sorry, Kabita.

(14:25):
Marek. Kabita, kabita, yes.
Donna Kebab Pizza is my. Donna kebab on a pizza.
Yeah, they put the kebab in and they, like, cook it together.
Would that be low calorie? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The low Cal option, I go like onthe cheese, yeah.
Low fat reduced. Fat juice, yeah.
David. Well, this is a hard one because

(14:46):
there's one pizza and one pizza place that there's surf and turf
pizza, which is unbelievable. Just, oh, really?
Oh, it's, it's fantastic. Surf and turf chicken and beef.
Well, no, because surf you need to have something from the sea
so you could see chickens. Could you or could you not put a
chicken in the sea? Yeah.
You're. Telling me there's never been a
chicken in the. Sea fish refugees.

(15:13):
Permission to laugh? Great, thank you.
But. But then I have what did I have
the other night I had a Caesar pizza from framing for Caesar
from. Pizza.
I just say on there, oh, Davis. You had a WrestleMania party,
Didn't invite me. Oh, Shane or Asian?
Asian. Were you in the country here?
Yeah. He was here.

(15:34):
You told me you got here in like.
Monday or something? Did you have a white tome?
You wrestle me. Yes, and if you were there it
would have also been the same. But yeah, we watched
WrestleMania, had some Pete's. Because I so here's why I have
the gripe and we'll go back to the drum versus so repeated a
bit the first ever WrestleMania party we did 10 years ago

(15:55):
myself, you again, we don't really watch wrestling, but we
said this would be great and we went to Dave's house and Aaron
Butler was there to. WrestleMania to you is like what
football is to a lot of women that watch the World Cup, the
Super Bowl. Yeah, whatever.
So we did that and I, I arrangedsome pizzas from 4 star.
We had a great time and then I invited.

(16:17):
Now, to be fair, I can now see why maybe I'm not invited
because I hosted them the next year's WrestleMania party with
Dave and Aaron. But by the time WrestleMania
started, I was tired, so I just went to bed.
Yeah, and left them in the house.
I was like, close the door in the way.
That's pathetic. I didn't see any of
WrestleMania. I just went to bed at like half
10. Pathetic.
So I understand maybe why I wasn't invited.

(16:38):
But hold on. But you've given him a reason
without. Maybe he just didn't think of
you at all. Yeah, kind of did.
Like you just. I took him to to a live event
about a month ago that may be. True.
But a live WWE event? He might just not have invited
you because he just didn't thinkof you.
You've just given him a reason for no reason.
Yeah. Just be honest then.
Yeah, be honest, I didn't think of you.

(16:59):
I'm sorry. Because anytime you watch it.
Yeah, how was the wrestling class?
It was good. It was good time.
Did you retaliate to my socket by going?
Back. Yeah, yeah.
Which would be Wrestlers wouldn't know how to deal with
that. Yeah, they would, definitely.
Put them off. It's a power move, yeah.
Yeah, and always just. Show me.

(17:21):
Yeah, presentation. Yeah, See, get right there.
Big point. You know, I would do it on the
podcast probably if I had to. What's that come off?
If if he if we if we came, that had to happen.
Probably if it had like if you were to get it out and be like,
all right, then I'm like, well, I wouldn't.
None of us would back down and it would end up being a real
strange. Why would that mean it had to
happen? Because if no one backs down, it

(17:41):
happens. Yeah, it's like gay chicken,
right? Yeah, the ultimate gay chicken.
Well, we've answered what I likeon a pizza.
Gay chicken. Yeah, gay.
Chicken sober, heterosexual chicken.
Drunk gay chicken. Fancy chicken.
I go, right? I will go.
Here's what I would do when I'm sober.
I would have like my dietary requirement pizza which isn't

(18:05):
nice. What's your dietary requirement?
Pizza. Gluten free vegan cheese.
Are you a vegan? No Crohn's.
You have Crohn's, right? Do I have a Crohn's?
Pizza, right you have. A Crohn's pizza.
Yeah, so I have that's. Right through you.
I would have anything I would have.
I would if you got a night, yeah.

(18:26):
Do you want to just? No.
He keeps being like I would if Ihad to.
No one's. You don't have to.
I will. Yeah, Yeah.
Well, are you OK? Yeah, I'm good, man.
Are you feeling horny? I'm, I don't know, I don't, I
feel, I feel excited. I think Dave needs, yeah.
Dave's a kind the guy get about once every three weeks gets
really horny instead of it beingspread out through a day, this

(18:49):
guy gets like terrible horny forlike 20 minutes and he will just
adore free anything like you. Just stick his nose to just go.
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(20:38):
The link is in the description. What's the strangest inanimate
object you've stuck your knob in?
B. Right, see if you have
something. I can tell by the look in your
face first. No, because you want to see what
level I go to before you. I have, I have one level I'm
total and I will just answer yougo first.
Honestly, yeah, nothing weird. I don't think we'll be the

(21:00):
judge. We're not a couch.
No, hold on. You do things that you don't
think. Sorry.
Right. Tell him about the chicken,
right? No, I want you to tell him about
the chicken. This isn't a sexual.
Thing because he. Was the chicken on the bank at
any point? So once, I've told this many
times on the pod, but there werepeople who had never heard it.
I was hosting the barbecue and Iwanted to see if the chicken was

(21:20):
cooked early because I know you don't cook, you don't serve
chicken that isn't dirty cooked right.
So using my bit of chicken, I cut down the middle of it,
opened it up and put my tongue in it, put my tongue into the
centre of the chicken and it wasn't roasted.
So I put it back on and then I would try it again and it burnt

(21:42):
my tongue. So I went, no, I know it's
cooked. And then I served all the
chicken, but I never gave anyonethat bit of chicken.
But our friend Gav was round at my house for the barbecue and
said he caught me licking the chicken, but he didn't catch me
licking it. I wasn't doing it like in Pride.
I didn't go anywhere else to do it.
But I thought that was a test. I know it's cooked right through
the middle. And then a lot of people did

(22:04):
point out, fair enough. You could put a thermometer in
it ideally, or your finger. Or cut it open and look to see
if it's cooked. Would like lick.
It. Or you could just fuck it.
Yeah. If I don't have a foreskin I
wouldn't know, but that's why. I don't have a foreskin either.
Welcome to Slab, brother. Yeah.
Marshall Lab brother. Yeah.
Why? Why do you not have a foreskin?

(22:24):
What's the reason behind that? Religious.
No, I am. I am.
It's just getting too tight. Yeah.
Oh yeah. Oh, did you have it as an adult
then? Yeah.
Where'd you get it taken off? Just right at the end of the
knob, no. Dickhead.
Yeah, about 3 years ago. Wow, middle of COVID.

(22:51):
Yeah, it's getting too tight in the board.
Have you? Talked about this on the
podcast. Yeah, fucking but.
Not for a long time, but yeah, Itell you what, never look back.
Brilliant thing about it is, it's brilliant.
Actually. Wear it.
No. Yeah.
Dave wears it as a choke chain. Do you do you remember a few
years ago there was this rabbi he used?
To don't, by the way, will make him terrible horny.

(23:12):
This rabbi used to suck off the foreskin.
Did you ever know about this? But did he not?
How hard can he suck? No, no.
So when they were doing the circumcision of these Jewish
boys, he would suck off the final bit.
Was that not the like like quarter eyes it?
This guy's seen me BBQ. Yeah, he took off the last bit.

(23:33):
I don't know what he'd do. Would he spit it out or
swallowed? Like Triple H, yeah, I, I, I, I
think it's good. I'm really happy with it.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
I mean, I've been circumcised. By it looks better.
It doesn't, but I've got a very pretty looking penis, I have to
say. Yeah, really.
I got also compliments on how itlooks.

(23:53):
Nice. Not how it feels, yeah, but,
well, how it looks. What I was going to say is if
like, it was like late night back in the day, you'd been out
maybe to a nightclub or something, I would have all the
stuff on the pizza that I normally would.
Do. Meat feast, meat feast, that
kind of thing. But I like.

(24:15):
But I like the idea of pineapple.
Pineapple, pineapple pizzas. Good, not a problem.
Yeah, yeah. Are you a pineapple?
There's nothing sadder. There's nothing sadder than a
like a gluten free pizza from like a big chain.
The pizza punks do it great. Last time we were up North Coast
I got. A nothing sadder than the gluten

(24:36):
free pizza from a big chain. I can think of like 6 things.
In the pizza game. Oh, in the pizza game.
Last time I was up there I was like could I get a gluten free
pizza, no cheese and name like 6toppings.
When I got it they didn't put any kind of base on it and just
put pineapple on it. It was just a bit of gluten free

(24:58):
bread with pineapple and it had all gone off the one side.
It was the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Sad, to be fair. So sad.
I'm so sad. Did you answer drunk pizza?
Drunk pizza. No, I just, I just get the same,
just I don't actually know what I order when I'm drunk.
I just pick one minute. I really don't have any What is

(25:19):
your what is your go to drunk food?
There is the what's the thing you crave?
Like mine is meat and chips, like kebab meat and chips.
That's the thing I go for. Yeah, like a kebab on chips.
The high sauce is always good. Yeah, yeah.
But our burgers because the burgers not too messy.
So I don't even know if it's still there, but there's an
Indian restaurant by Hack calledPlanet Spice.
Oh yeah, I know it well. You know the guys?

(25:41):
Yeah, yeah, they used to do a non kebab.
So I used to get this non kebab.A lamb nan.
Kebab Alam nan. Kebab so they can't give a Peppa

(26:02):
Pig. With with Taco sauce, nothing
else in it. What sauce?
Taco sauce. Taco sauce.
Cut down the middle. I can't believe I can.
You know I still taste taste it.So only had A10 non.
Bread. None with kebab meat wrapped up

(26:22):
but Donna kebab. Really tight lamb meat in it.
And sorry, it was it was what sauce was it?
What do you get with Domino Curry?
Oh, like traditionally the white?
What's that white sauce you get with English pizza?
Garlic sauce? Yeah, garlic sauce.
What is this white sauce you getwith all chips and things one
evening? Garlic Mayo.

(26:42):
Back in the day, we. Would have white sauce.
Father would bring us white sauce.
OK, I see. Where this guy.
You gotta watch this guy. Yeah, have you, Have you
recorded the pod since the old big man died?
Oh, POP. No, no, rest in peace.
It's the first one. He used to be a bouncer, didn't

(27:04):
he? Yeah, I was actually from Max
Meyer, so I crossed myself. What do you mean?
He used to be a bouncer before he became a Pope.
Real life. Yeah, He was a bouncer in
Argentina, Buenos Aires. Oh, wow.
And then he became a Jesuit. And when he was 21.
What? I don't know so much about the
fucking Pope. Oh, Jew, what I'm saying.
What did he say? He just went.

(27:25):
He just. Went.
I got what was that word, Jesuit, right?
I got that and Jews confused because I was like, that is such
a huge turn around as he was. Shifted it Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Jesuit.
So yeah. And then we can put it was
bouncer. That's crazy.
Isn't it mad? So And then the old, old one, JP
two, he was a goalkeeper, Pope John Paul second.

(27:46):
Why do I keep waiting for one liners and everything that's
coming here? And then Ratzinger was Hitler
Youth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we've all had a career, career shift.
Yeah, exactly. Every centre.
No one just was like, worked in a shop, became a priest and then
Pope. There's got to be something.
Mental, yeah. The goalkeeper is kind of a
funny one. Yeah, you'll be saved.

(28:07):
Who do you play for, do you know?
Alicia Warsaw. Apparently so.
Can you Google him? No, I don't even.
I believe you. Yeah, I literally believe you.
That's great. So I met a cab driver who was a
legal Warsaw fan yesterday, actually in Belfast.
It's come full circle. I love it when that.
Happens. It's really nice.
He wasn't always asking all the questions was.
It no, no. No.
Do you remember here a couple that where are you based in

(28:29):
London or a little? Place in London, yeah.
See, I had one of the first times I went to London, I always
found it like way too big like to get out.
Like I felt like weird and I wasjust so.
Like, wasn't too big. You thought the city was too
big? Yeah, every part I went to, I
was like, this is like the centre of London, but every
place is its own massive place. Yes.

(28:50):
So I was like. There can't be more than this,
but there's always more. Yeah, there's always.
But then the more I've gone, themore I like it.
Did you sort of see where you like to go on that kind of
thing? And then last time I did
Leicester Square and Davis came with me, we had one of our best
nights out. Brilliant.
Yeah. Really, which is your favourite
bits of London really like? Leicester Square.

(29:11):
Is that like saying Times Squarein New York?
Yeah, it is. Yeah.
There's a cost in the cinema I like to go to.
I recommend that. Yes.
Gym where the McDonald's that McDonald's is class yeah and we
went to what's the restaurant Balham or something and it opens
till like 7:00 AM and you. Balance.
Balance. Yeah, balance.
That was so close to what I said, but when I said the thing

(29:33):
before that, you looked at me like you had no idea what I was
saying. Yeah.
Yeah. I was like balance.
You were, like you said, balance.
Balance. Yeah, like a Victorian
undertaker. Bring me the balm.
Yeah, balance is good. It's unbelievable.
It's become, it's become a bit of a chain now, but yeah.
Like a like 4 AMI, like a full English in a cocktail.
It was brilliant, it was great. So who's a fun area?

(29:56):
It's really sorry. It's just you talk about having
a full English at 4:00 AM. Just I thought you were getting
railed by a bloke and then he gave you a cocktail.
Yeah. And a breakfast.
I want to ask you about Mastermind.
How did well did you do when youdid it?
I did pretty well on it. My specialist topic I got 9 out

(30:16):
of 10 right. General knowledge I can't
remember, but Claire from Steps absolutely swept the well.
That I was going to say who elsewas on on the Mastermind?
Claire from Steps. That's all I can remember
because I fancy Claire. And is that based on meeting her
there and then? Or how do you fancy Claire from
Steps from You Were a Boy. I fancied how from when I was a

(30:38):
boy. But the the worst kind of crush
story that I've got is my my first proper crush was Rachel
Stevens. Sure.
Obviously one of the quintessential crushes.
Right. You didn't have a crush on
Rachel Stevens. Something's going on there.
You're. Probably gay.
I didn't. You didn't.
You're probably gay. Really.
Yeah, I didn't. Sorry.
Who did you? Because the thing now, Chris

(31:00):
Akabusi, what happened is she was massive hype in the
playground. Like there's a lot of chat about
her when they just come out. Smash Heads magazine was big
back in my day. Yeah.
So like all the guys, all these stickers, all this.
Guys who just have posters on them, myself included back then.
I used to actually sell stickersand posters of people from Smash
Hits magazine from a little red treasure chest I had.

(31:21):
I'd bring it in and charge people like 10 P and giving me
stickers from Smash Hits. Every entrepreneurial of you and
I thought so, but. Not so you.
Do you think she was too over hyped?
No, I was expecting like my mindto be blown.
Like I've never seen beauty likeit.
And I thought, that's a Pretty Woman.
And I was like, I, I, I already think at that point had a thing
with Jerry Halliwell. So me and her were kind.

(31:43):
Of you ever seen with Jerry Halliwell?
I mean, yeah, yeah, I was 11 andshe was like 28 or whatever.
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty lit. So that was just where I just
couldn't commit to another. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, fair, you know. Yeah.
And then and then at a vast club.
I quite like Tina. No one else like Tina and.
I know what you mean. You know I know what you mean,
yeah. I do.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I know what you mean.

(32:03):
But Rachel is my main one, right?
And then Fast forward like almost 25 years later, my comedy
agency is owned by this point, at this point by a bigger agency
called Intertalent. And Intertalent had a big like
summer party thing in Piccadillyin London.
So I'd go, you know, we're having a lovely time.
And as I'm walking, I see RachelStevens and she's obviously with

(32:25):
Intertalent. And I am like, Oh my God.
And she's talking to another comedian called Darren Harriet.
And we're all having a chat. And Darren goes, you should come
here. So I'm staring at Rachel
Stevens. And, like, 20 years later, it'd
be like, I can't believe this. Not saying a word, Darren.
Harriet's like, are you shining?You all right?
I'm like, yeah. And then Rachel Stevens looks at

(32:45):
me, and she goes, I was the first person you masturbated to,
isn't I? And I was like I need to go.
She knew. And did she say it like she was
just rolling her eyes? Like OK, I get it.
Yeah, because I reckon loads of us, she was probably our first,

(33:09):
one of the first people that we masturbated.
I don't think I was doing that at that age yet.
Howdy. 36. OK, similar age.
I'm faulty. But do you think?
That not someone. See through the pictures anyway
some people see like if you takea picture you can take a bit of
solar or someone. Do you reckon she can see?
Yeah, probably. The thing is, I like.

(33:29):
If you walk through a ghost you get a shiver.
Is that like a weird sex reversal thing on that?
Possibly she probably got a sense from my face like I
probably went back to my. You weren't doing it at that
moment. So you're the 1st, I'm sorry.
Every time I see your face, it'sjust.
But I didn't have any posters ofit.
It was just. I only had one poster in my room

(33:52):
and it was not of a woman. Who was it off?
I I'm about to say something's going to get taken out of the.
Pod. Because that's how Bin Laden.
You weren't, weren't you? You weren't, weren't you, you
fucking brick? Oh my God.
Not really. I was going to say Abu Hamza.

(34:18):
The real OG, the real Captain Hook.
Then you could you could hang the cord on it.
He's not going. To come close.

(34:38):
Your eyes that stake in the pot if.
He's already going to every comments where you take the hat
off and you'll be fine. Sorry, who was the?

(35:11):
Poster, it's obvious it was Kofiand Anne.
Why was he in Launcher? Why did you where did you get a
poster of Kofi and Anne? Time magazine.

(35:34):
Was it just a picture of Americato have his name?
He's on a shade law. He had an interview, I was
folded basically. Well, OK, so basically my mum
was very ambitious for me. And one day he's going to grow

(35:54):
up and fuck off. The people you want sexy,
General. She didn't want to meet out
posters of people that I could aspire.
To and did she put it up or did you do it yourself?

(36:21):
How freaked out with coffee and ambi if you ever met him?
When do you met him? He's like you're the first
poster and 1st poster of. The road just terrified.
It would be. Terrified.
It strikes me to sort of think Kofi and I would be surprised to
know existed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was.
A cut out from I had. So you remember like HMV back in
the day, you reflect through theposter racks and they had a

(36:41):
number on it. You left the data to the bottom.
Yeah. So I remember going to the One
Castle Court in Belfast and flicking through the thing and I
said to my dad, can I get a poster?
He's like, yeah. And there's like, Man United
posters and pop stars and all that kind of thing.
But he did not say, what poster do you want?
He just assumed it was like, yeah, I don't know, like a Ryan
Giggs or Roy Keane or whatever. It was a common electoral now.

(37:01):
Great. Yeah.
And she is like, you can't see anything.
But like, there's hard nips, youknow what I mean?
Like. If you can't see, how do you
know? I can, you can see the nips
under the cover, if you know what I mean.
I I know. And then I remember putting that
on my wall and my dad walking ina man like take out nine, put
that in my room. Yeah.
He he he was fine. I think you respected it in a

(37:24):
way. He's a good man.
You know, it was, it was too much taste, but he was OK.
With it, how would you feel if you need that you and your dad
masturbated the same pictures? Like if you and your dad have
the same taste, that would be. Yeah, I wouldn't like it.
Yeah, and your dad definitely went to that poster.
Yeah, probably. But there, I think there are in
your rooms aren't, yeah. When you were in school, Yeah.

(37:45):
On your bed, balls resting on. Yeah.
Does have long balls? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like it tastes change. Like my dad, I remember growing
up, he always had a thing for Shania Twain.
Yeah, great. Great choice.
Cash. Milk.
And I was also like, Nah, now I've hit my mid 30s or one day

(38:05):
with out of nowhere, Kylie Millson the TV.
And I was like, Oh yes. And I said, Oh no, I'm all guy.
You know, Kylie Minogue again, Ifeel like Kylie was hyped too
much in the day to the point where like the bar, the bar was
set too high. But that song?
Come on and dance to me. Yeah, slow.
Don't. Watch it exactly.

(38:28):
Skip a beat and move on my body.Yeah, why are you singing like a
hostage? It's a great tune.
It's a better note she did that one like that, a couple year
perdom or something. Pedometer.
Yeah, it was. It was up for Whip.

(38:49):
Yeah, I'm trying. My dad, right, he went the
opposite with me because back inthe day I had no posters in the
wall. And I wanted if you collected
with your serial enough tokens, you could get a free Gladiator
poster and not of Russell Crowe,but the original Gladiators
something. Yeah.
So I collected all the ones and I wanted Hunter and Wolf as my
posters. And he was like, Nah.

(39:10):
And he got me Jed and Lightning.And I was like, but I don't want
Jed Lightning. I want Hunter and I want the
Wolf man because he's a bad boy and Hunter for and my dad was
just like, Nah. And I mean, and it was a wee bit
begrudging of it, but then he must have seen.
But but I didn't like it. I didn't like it in my room.
But then as I got a wee bit older, I started to change and I
was like, I actually, yeah, I, I.

(39:31):
Wasn't the worst man was a deck like yeah man and gladiators
just knew how to wind the crowd up.
Yeah, but he was great. He was a great character.
He was good heel. But then I remember in Bangor he
did like a boat show. There was, like, some boat show
when he was the special guest in, like, the early 90s, and he
just was like a nice guy, obviously in real life.
And then he was like, waving andsmiling and people were like,

(39:52):
Boo, like, booing him until he, like, went into character and he
started skulling people. And they're like, yeah.
Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? Yeah.
Picks up someone's dog. Yeah, yeah.
Bites his leg off. Did you watch the current The
new Gladiators? It's brilliant.
My kids love it. It's great.
No, I don't know. It's not really a great time
because it's it's sad that they just keep having to rehash these

(40:13):
old formats and they can't like make news news.
I didn't know Celebrity Big Brother is on ITV now.
Yes, my wife. Watching last night, I had no
idea that's on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Plus, the people that are on it are just, they are, they're
famous for the shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're not really pulling in many people.
It's like, oh, they've they've done all these reality shows.

(40:35):
Yeah. So it's like, I think because
they know how to play the game, they know the shows.
It's not as crazy as it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You need like a Chopa Papa Dom thing.
Don't. You we need wild cards.
We need like a Chopa Papa Dom experience.
That was big. That was huge.
It was fucking massive. Like, yeah, they were like
effigies being burned in India and stuff.
Which, by the way, in South Asia.

(40:55):
Impressive. Like how how quickly they make
these effigies? Are they?
For a turn around. Yeah, it's like bam, bam, bam.
Yeah, they take the kids off shift and go right effigy time,
Yeah. Special project effigy time?
Do you think you could ever do anything that they would have an
effigy of you for? Oh yeah, I mean plenty.

(41:16):
I mean, I, I in 2016 I had thosedeath threats because we had a
show at the Edinburgh Fringe where I took a copy of the Koran
on stage and talked about how funny it was or bits I didn't
agree with, blah blah, blah, blah.
So did you know how controversial that was when you
were? Kind of, but I just thought
because I was, I was they're bits like just like people did
with the Bible. You go, this makes sense.

(41:36):
This doesn't, you know, I thought we should be able to do
this with Islam. This show was called Prophet.
Like it's hot. Sure, I'm proud of that.
And I had a poster of me holdingthe Koran in one hand and my
hand on fire in the other, and people wanted me.
Without just when the show got announced or when they had heard
of content when the show got. When the show got announced and
then there were like people who were messaging me to say I'm

(42:00):
going to find out where your gigis.
I'm like great bum on seat, let's come along.
It's hard to be inconspicuous atthe Edinburgh Fringe.
Yeah, in the same venue, same time.
Every day, but luckily because the Edinburgh Fringe is so
expensive and far. Away, right?
And that Royal Mile hills and nightmare at the bottom.
There's a lot of people ready tokill you.
If I could only make it up. Up there, yeah.

(42:20):
So. And they like during the run.
Was there any during? The run there wasn't, but around
the run, especially in London, there were lots of like people.
Some people turned up to gigs with, you know, knives and
stuff. Series.
Yeah, it's London. Yeah.
Yeah. We don't know, really.
That's London, Yeah. Yeah, give us, give us your
fucking. Me, and I've said this on a pod
before, but me and Dave on that night out in London, I was

(42:43):
telling you about one of the writers for Top Boy was there
and we were like big into Top Boy at the time.
And we started like, you know, Anglin that we would love to be
in it like the upcoming series. And he's like, yeah, there is
going to be like some Irish character in it, like gangsters
when we're like perfect. And he goes and he was being
like serious and that I guess this is what London is and why
it's different. Probably L as like this too.
The guy was like, give me something like we were literally

(43:05):
in a bar with him and he's like audition for me basically there
and then there. And then we did like he
obviously meant for the Irish characters.
We thought he meant like Rd man and me and Dave proceeded to
just go full Rd man with our addition in a bar in front of
this guy and it was just an uncomfortable atmosphere.
The guys. This is not what I mean.
Have you done the Redmond on thepod before?

(43:27):
We get a feud. We were like that.
And the guy. Sorry, Borat.
We're not in. No.
OK, Can I just say like between the song and this audition?
What's happening? What's your food?

(43:49):
Right. Yeah, What else?
Link my team. Lick my thing.
Link my team man get the hook up.
Is it, what is this the balloon that he's doing?
It's so hard and it's so hard for you guys to understand.
Yeah, it is. What the rule, what the role man
be saying Bravini, you get a feed, Why is your voice?

(44:09):
So Squeaky can actually it's a good test.
Can you do the the with your regular life?
Yeah, man, I could get the food,you know what I mean?
That's that's a lot better. You like that?
Yeah, I do that. That like that.
Like the way man's talking. You gotta go busy bro.
Farm you like the way man's talking?
Yeah, massacres. That's.
Pretty good man. 'S out here.
Why do you go that? Man's out here, do you know what

(44:31):
I mean? Why did you go?
Why did you go squeaky before? Because then if I'm talking
about defeat, I need to get. I'm sorry, you're a Greek
Cypriot estate agent. I sell you a house and then we
get the feud. We get on how this new movie.
We get a higher up. That was, that was good whenever

(44:53):
you just did the normal voice, Yeah.
When I do it like that. Yeah, yeah, like that, you know.
What I mean? Whatever really doesn't.
Suit your face. How does it not suit my face?
Because your face is. Like, say less for a?
Minute, what about you? Can you?

(45:16):
And somehow we're not in it. Yeah, it's crazy.
We should have played undercovercops in that.
Yeah, yeah. He's trying to get defeat.
I think there's something about these guys.
We think he's undercover baby, just a.
Bit how much? Excuse me, Take me to your
dealer, please. You.
Can't thank you any drugs people.
What's going on here? You.

(45:36):
Plong card. How much do you love tech talks
of when they do find undercover cops in in like central London?
Yeah, Oh yeah, I giving them abuse.
Yes, really. Good 10 out of 10.
Is that family useful? We wouldn't know how much you
cause. Because when you look at the
guy, you're like, how? How did you ever think this was
funny? He's me with a crossbody bag.

(45:56):
Yeah, you're like the only whiteguy in this reggae bath.
You as well. You'd be the only guy who wear
the butt. You would be dressed the guy you
know bag but for some reason to set it off you'd have a white do
rag. Shanna, Paul, just give me the

(46:17):
lie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julie and Rebecca. Yeah, the only I get so
frustered. I'll only answer and Sean Paul
things. Are you looking for family,
Julie and Rebecca? Yeah.
That's funny. You know Peter Andre has a movie

(46:38):
coming out. Yeah, I've heard about this,
Yeah. Premise of this, I sent it to
Dave and I went. We haven't been to the cinema
since we went to the cinema to Fringe killing time one day
that. Fire Tornado.
To see Twister some tornado movie like 10 years ago and it
made it really sad and because like a guy's dad dies in it and
stuff. And then we were thinking about
our dads who are alive. And that's not what made us

(46:59):
upset that our dads are alive, but we were just thinking about
our relationship with their dadsor whatever.
And then and then I saw the trailer for Peter Andre's new
movie and I went, I know for a fact this is made for us to go
to the cinema again together. Premise of Peter Andre's new
movie. This is real life and it's a
real feature length movie. Peter Andre plays like some guy

(47:23):
living in London. He needs money quick.
So it's me. It's like, yeah, you need to go
get some money. Money for mysterious girl in it
so he needs like 30 grand or something right and a Jamaican
friend of his goes you look likemy uncle he's a big gangster
yeah you pose as him we'll do some daily get 2 million or

(47:46):
something and Peter's. Mental because he needs 30
grand, Yeah. That is mental and also like if
you come to over like call the bank.
Yeah, go credit union Yeah, but Peter Andre like say less and
goes food like they shaky the dreads everything and I'm I'm
not going to say he blacks up. I'm going to say looks different

(48:10):
than he did when he was based inLondon in the film.
Right. From what I've seen, right when
I say he's doing the accent, he's doing the accent.
Right. And this is a real movie that's
coming out and the tech talk comments not kind, no one's
going. Brilliant.
Yeah. People are either outraged or
think this is the best thing that's ever happened.

(48:31):
I mean, I'm everyone decided thebest thing that's ever happened
because I love a shit accent. This how did no one shut this
down at the idea point where they go Peter Andre's Jamaican.
Because why the fuck would you through if if if that lands on
your desk, you go sorry, Peter Andre's Jamaican, here's
£5,000,000. Unbelievable.
You don't need to study around. What accent would you do in a

(48:53):
film other than Redman? As you can see, I can do any.
OK, would you do? OK, would you do Idi Amin, Last
King of Scotland? Not.
While you're recording. I would.
I could if the rule needed me to, yeah.
But I would need this have dialogue with certain

(49:15):
communities to to to find out more and then if I felt like I
made that connection with them Iwould ask for permission the.
Asian community want you to do this because Idi Amin kicked the
Asian community out within 90 days and we think it's very
important the stories told. Therefore, we'd like you to do
the rousing speech that Idi Amingave to kick the Asians out.

(49:35):
I'll go away and learn. Yeah, I think I would need to.
I would need the community to come to me, whatever accent.
I'm coming to you now on behalf.Of yes, and I'm saying thank you
and I acknowledge your that's. What?
I'm on the pod. And I would like to extend more
dialogue. More dialogue.
I would like more dialogue. You could get in touch with Kofi

(49:56):
Annan and see if it's sweet for you to do that.
Yeah. Kofi's dead though.
Well, you could do spirit. Did you know Kofi and I was.
There I thought he was, but I wasn't sure because then I
thought he looked quite young and friendly.
Yeah, but he always looked the same age.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean?
Like he was kind of timeless. He was 86 when I passed the

(50:17):
pastor of him. You went to mastermind What your
special subject? Maybe boy bands from the 90s?
Dan, bring it up. 90s boy band quiz please if let's see should
I do it on my phone? But that's that's the only thing
I think I would know a bit of random.
Stuff about I got into a lot of beef with Brian McFadden once.

(50:40):
Oh no, friend of former podcast.Let us hear more.
Is he a friend of the pod? He's yeah, just go.
But go ahead are. You sure?
Yeah. Well, basically during COVID,
Piers Morgan was talking about how we should be nicer to
immigrants because it's Filipinomajors doing an amazing job in
the house. Well, well said.
And then and then I put a tweet out saying something like, oh,

(51:01):
Piers Morgan a likes immigrants if they're working for him.
Then he shared it to everyone and they all piled in on me.
And one person that piled in wasBrian McFadden.
And he says from 1 immigrant to another, I just want to say
you're a disgrace to all immigrants in this country.
And then I said he wants to tellBrian McFadden I'm not an
immigrant. Did that continue that dialogue?

(51:29):
Because he blocked me or he blocked you?
Yeah. Well, if you're being the go
between between him and doing the voice, you can reconcile a
Shannon. A Shannon Akbar and Brian
McFadden, she's already, I mean.You should like by X by
McFadden. Let's bring it all together.
Yeah, at by McFadden. And Dave?
Yes. What?
I think there's going to be an easy quiz.
OK, let's see. What was the title of Take

(51:51):
That's 1992 debut album? Oh, take that and party.
Yes, and I, I respect you as a 90s boy band man so much that
I'm not giving you the this is multiple choice.
I don't think you need it. OK, right.
Wow. Take that and party.
OK, next question and Deck scored a UK top ten hit on in

(52:13):
1994 with Let's Get Ready to Rumble under what name?
PJ and Duncan. He's going to.
Oh my God. Oh, he's going to gobble this
up. This is not a problem.
Me. No, I just get definition.
Oh no, I'm going to suck you offin a minute.
Which member of five would laterfinish runner up in Celebrity
Big Brother in 2013? Would you like the multiple

(52:33):
choice? Here I think it was ABS.
You're saying ABS love? I'm saying some reason I didn't
know what the surname is. Love.
ABS love correct? Wow.
Three out of three, David. The more you answer, the worse
it becomes. Yeah, I know.
And the more I think I actually thought this.
Was but I think it's going to gofull circle and it's going to

(52:55):
come round and be impressive. Again, right now I'm like this
guy's a fucking loser and as youanswer more, but these guys are
fucking genius. The R&B vocal group Boys to main
heal from which US city? Well, that is a hard one.
Would you? Like the multiple choice.
No, I'd like to think about it. It's somewhere black in it.
I mean, name black places in America.

(53:15):
I'm glad to join. No boys, the man.
I feel like they were sort of Philadelphia direction.
It's one of the options, do you want to go Philadelphia,
Philadelphia correct for it and for.
He chose the blackest place. Oh.
Dear Westlife's 1999 self-titledalbum included a cover of which.

(53:37):
Seasons in the sun. Boom, Jesus Christ.
We've got it going on with the debut single from Which US boy
band? We've got going on not too good
in the US. We've got it going.
I'm going to say. You guys.
On the block. Jam onkers got it.

(54:00):
I don't know, I'm passing that one.
It's Backstreet Boys, you guys on the boys.
Wow. It's an option but it's factory.
Buy another one Hampton score toUK number one One of your first
crushes, the young 1 Hampton score to UK They were all your
Hampton score to UK number one single 1987 with which umbop.
The group consisted of three brothers.
Isaac Taylor. On which third member do you

(54:20):
want multiple choice? No, I don't deonte.
No, give me the multiple choice.In fact, give me the letters of
the names, the multiple choice. The letters of the actual names.
What are the initials? Sorry.
Are the is it Zach, Cody or no? It's Zach.
He's right. Now.

(54:42):
Two more questions I did. Not realise this.
Was yeah, I didn't know. No, I don't either.
Actually, it's a good. Surprise Boys are one of the
second most successful boy band in the UK after Take That, but
how many #1 singles did they achieve during the 90s?
That's pretty tough, isn't it? Surely.
Very. I'm going to give you the
options. For I was going to say 7, so
I'll go in the middle and say 6 is.

(55:03):
It 4-6 or 846 or 8:00. Correct.
What is happening? Which British boy band finished
runner up to Genie G in the 1996Great British Song Contest?
I'll give you the options if youheard any of these.
Is it North and South? North and South.
It's North and South OH. My.
God, it's wrong. It's called Red.

(55:24):
He's got very cocky there. Yeah, he did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Final question, Dave.
He's done. He's done it.
Dean Bars was a member of which group?
Another level. Oh yeah, let me lick you up and
down. Thank you.
Respect. Respect that.
That song is one of the weirdestlines of any songs ever, You
know? Is this so I want to lay you

(55:45):
down. Come on.
Six. Yeah.
Just spills it on. Come on.
Yeah, come on. We were in Dubai filming some
stuff at one of the football clubs there and they have like a
big like social club pitches, all that kind of thing.
And then one of the guys playing, I went this a lovely
set up. He goes, you know, Dan bars.
I said, yeah, you'll every Friday night does a pub quiz up

(56:07):
there in a bar, free fish and chips.
It's unbelievable. I said the fish and chips are
the quiz. He said both.
So Dan Bars is the quiz master. Dan Bars Dubai.
Yeah. That every Friday night he's
got, he's got it like. Resident, it's about this.
It's got to be a graveyard for alot of these, like old school
unbelievable, though. Yeah, Dave bars pub quiz.
Why would you not get to that? In Dubai, like in Dubai, free

(56:29):
fish and chips, I think fish andchips are included in the price.
That's a great deal. Down The Dirty I don't know if
it's still going, but the the free sausages, how much to.
Get a basket. How much is the ticket, do you
know? I don't know how we do.
Yeah, I think that should be a Patreon event.
Oh my gosh. Quiz.
I'd be in bars quiz with fish and chips.
And chips. That sounds boring.

(56:49):
You pop quiz guy? I'd say you'd be great than a
pop quiz. Thing I'm reason with a pop
quiz, I actually run my own pop quiz.
A South Asian pop quiz? Yeah.
No. What's different about that?
All the questions are only in South Asian languages.
Hip. Hip no.
Is it? Like is it actually a South
Asian book? South Asian pub quiz, Basically
all the quiz questions, the answers more or less have some

(57:12):
sort of South Asian flavour to them or right.
Something like that, right? So spicy.
Spicy. Yeah, just a bit, just a bit.
Where do you do that? In London, so each level goes by
the level of spice, madrassa, vindaloo.
And what what kind of quiz master are you?
Are you have people sneakily have the phones out or you just
do you see that? As Roundhouse or the quiz head,

(57:35):
do you? See that as part and parcel of
the game? Or do you really hit that?
Yeah, no, there's no phones, so.Fucking here.
I've got one guy walking around just checking if there's any
phones. He's got a stick and he smacks
people on the hand, like the South Asian.
Yeah, yeah, improper. I I hate the pub.
I hate people. Like not playing with the rules
or yeah, yeah, yeah, don't. You, are you good?

(57:56):
Are you good? I reckon you're quite gonna pop
quiz. I'm OK and I would want Dave on
my team at a pub quiz. You actually, you came up on
conversation with me and Catherine the other day about
who I have as a, as a partner ona quiz.
And I said you might not Dave Bowers, but I think Shane,
because he will know random stuff, yeah.
I'll know. What your specialist rounds
sport. Sport.
Yeah, sport. Sport music.

(58:18):
The works of Dickens as well, you're afraid Read.
Yeah, no, not like literature stuff, but like, yeah, sport,
music and. What about you?
What your popular have a nice balance.
Yeah, I know a lot about sort ofmusic.
Dictators. He loves dictators.
Actually he does. He has a hit or bust in his
back. I love I actually put that away.

(58:40):
No, but. I mean, I mean, this isn't like
a bit in his downstairs bathroom.
He has busts of dictators. That's real life.
No, no, let me point this out right what had happened whenever
I got married, my wife decided agood birth, a good wedding
present for me would be she wentthis old like antique place and

(59:00):
bought a bust of Chairman Mao a.Sick.
And it it had come been smuggledout of China.
It was a nice thing. I obviously got her a lot like a
big hamper full of things that meant stuff in our relationship.
Yeah, You know, it was that. Speaking of marmalade.
Speaking of marmalade. No, I need this is mentally
you've done this. This is some can on the drive
here you got Mama. I saw Paddington Bear.

(59:20):
And fuck off, that's mad. That is mad.
The real life Paddington Bear onthe drive.
That's weird. That mad some, you know.
Coming over here. Yeah, ignore honey.

(59:40):
Sorry, I just I just tart all bears with the same brush.
I'm so sorry. And she got me that and I
thought, I mean that's I don't know how to.
Present this so was did she explain why she.
Got you a chair, no? She had you mentioned Mal?
No, but she's a. You're did.
You say I only want to have one kid.
No, she's maybe it was her way. Tell me we're done.

(01:00:02):
We're done. But.
Yeah, she got me that. And then we ended up watching
this show about like really likeornate houses.
And there's this really rich guyin London had a dictator
bathroom and it's just this bathroom with loads of like
Gaddafi and stuff, right. And then I thought we Gaddafi
Twitter old, we could make like a small version, like of the

(01:00:22):
dictator bathroom, the fit Chairman Mao.
So we have like all different styles of dictators.
We've got we've got the Kim dynasty just on the wall
pictures of them. We've got some.
All the Kardashians. Oh yeah, don't be afraid to say
something controversial. Want.
Yeah, no, I've got Gaddafi, to be fair.
Yeah. Is controversial.
Is he? Gavi's a fucking hero?
Yeah, Gaddafi. You don't know the story about

(01:00:44):
Gaddafi and my great auntie Kathleen.
No, I don't. What happened with Gaddafi the
great Auntie Kathleen? Auntie Kathleen's husband,
Jimmy. Jimmy, yeah, Who died before I
was born, Yeah. Was an architect, yeah.
Took a bit of dough to develop asports stadium in Libya in Libya
in the main city. Yeah, nice.
For Gaddafi Multi £1,000,000. Jimmy sinking is a lot of his

(01:01:08):
own money into it to get this done because Gaddafi is going to
sort them out. Turns out Gaddafi bit of a shit
unreliable guy, never paid him and that's a tough client to
chase up like in. The invoices, yeah, after 30
days. Reminder and he's like, I'll
literally cut your head off. Yeah.
So he never got paid. So my family have always.

(01:01:28):
Had a little for that reason. Little bit of, little bit of.
Right, doesn't pay his invoices on time.
Little bit of a great but Colonel Gaddafi who can appoint
out flaky? OK, he's a little bit flaky.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when he was dragged out of
that manhole or whatever, and you know, the boys got, I'm
like. I think caffeine was like.
Hey, I think Uncle Jimmy was nota bit of a laugh, I don't think.

(01:01:48):
The G man was in the manhole. Think of Saddam.
Saddam was in the manhole and that was the next piece we got.
My mother-in-law had some currency from Iraq from back in
the day because her dad used to do some electrical work for the.
Hold on a second, if we think Jimmy was dodging some
electrical work in Iraq, I love what you got coming up this week

(01:02:08):
at work. I'm doing a leisure centre and
doing a Conservatory and then just Iraq.
Yeah, and some electrical work, and then they're testing it on a
human being like that works. So it's a nice currency and that
went up in the wall and all sortof matched in.
Got some some communist dictators and some fascist.
Bad. He was on the left hand there.
Yeah. And that, yeah, I just feel

(01:02:29):
like, yeah, I just feel it's nota good look to have Hitler.
He's a bad guy. Yeah, it's not even.
Funnier. Can I just say something on
this? Right.
I'm slightly tired of Hitler constantly being held up as the
the worst dictator of them all. Because even amongst dictators,
why is the white guys always on top?
Do you know what I mean? Like brown brown E Asians.
They've done a lot of dictatorial shit.

(01:02:51):
And a guy who gets a lot of shit.
But actually, I'm going to say that relatively signed Genghis
Khan. Yeah, but no.
But like, he was this like barbaric, horrific guy.
He wasn't. He wasn't really.
And he fucked, yeah. Yeah he top shagger notorious
killed a few people for sure butvery tolerant but.
Yeah, but also like the Gaddafi's and the Genghis of the

(01:03:12):
world, you know, Yeah, the, the,the, the killing and stuff bad.
But they, they, they took on my position.
Yeah, just a bit. But they took their position to
dictators. They fucked a lot of women.
And that's what you want from your dictators.
You want them to like really go.Yeah.
Rameses not a dictator, but notorious notorious Lego.
Lego. But there's I'm just sick and
tired of Hitler being the only one that we only ever talk

(01:03:33):
about. Yeah, well, like if you remember
the the idiom mean the Last Kingof Scotland, he had this really
like cheeky move where he would cut people's arms and legs off
and switch them around. Yeah, that was pretty.
Pretty, pretty disrespectful, yeah, yeah, right.
Why didn't? They say why did they say I sell
the movie? Why did they say Last King of
Scotland? What did he have to do with
Scotland? That's pretty funny.

(01:03:59):
He missed it. He's like.
Yeah, I don't know the Scotland link.
There was never the King of Scots.
But there was some there was technically he was connected to
Scotland three in a way like they have different countries
like swap, swap overs, like cuts, towns repaired.
With Oh yeah, yeah, there. Was some sort of connection
between yeah, Eddie, I mean yeah, something.

(01:04:19):
And technically. You've spoken for 48 seconds.
And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you, Dan, can you find?
Why? Why?
He's the last, Yeah. He had some affinity to Scotland
and self-proclaimed himself as King of Scotland.
Goodman. See, I love that shit.
You can do that like. But also Idi mean look, think
what Idi mean Like he was like, right, Asians out 90 days.

(01:04:39):
Now obviously I don't like that.That's not a nice thing to do,
but it's nice for leaders to have balls.
Well also in also his his single.
Here comes the hot stepper 10 out of 10.
It's just now it's just too much, you know, hand wringing
over. I just want, I don't want
dictators, but I want a bit of leadership.

(01:05:05):
Not racist leadership, just a bit of.
You any gigs coming up? Ishaan, can I say something?
Yeah, I always a genuine thing. It's your podcast.
Yeah, I thank you. I like you too.
I didn't say I said thank you. I do.
I do like you and Dave, I like you.

(01:05:27):
I I'm going to say a couple of things here in particular.
Number one, it's. Going to do that.
I mean impression. I could see me, you and Dave
having like lunch, coffee, something like that in cities,
in different cities. For example, if I'm in London
again or whatever. Yeah, maybe you come over, we do
a show. I could see us having a lunch
with Eastern Akbar. Right, right.

(01:05:49):
Yeah. I like this dynamic.
I like this. Have you never made friends
before? I like this triangle of
friendship. This is a lovely triangle.
I like this. But what I want to say is I like
your rings and watch and I like your style and I liked it when

(01:06:11):
you walked in. But I didn't want to say to you
straight away, oh, thank you. But I think you have a really
nice sense of style and your hair, glasses, everything.
I want to suck him off. Thank you brother, not a
problem. It's nice to say nice things.
It's very nice to say nice. Things what is follow up line is
Is there anything you would liketo say to me?
On that note, on that note, would you like to speak about me

(01:06:34):
and Dave and how have you find our company and.
Just yeah. So Dave, I know from before and
Dave and I, we had a lovely timewhen we did your podcast.
Again, I've got a lot of time for Dave.
Very nice guy, very funny. And we've always had a really
nice time. We.
Have a good time. And you look good.
Thank you, confident to your beard.
Yeah, well, quite hard to get hold of, Shane.

(01:06:54):
You guys want to say anything? And I'm like Saddam and the
manhole. Yeah, Yeah.
When you get me, you get I. Get you?
That's true. Yeah, You're you're a handsome
guy. You're a handsome guy.
But you are also dressed like you're about to do.
We're we're doing acing, we're doing acing, we're doing acing.
Can can you dance? Yeah, or John, that break
darting. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(01:07:18):
Now you, you're you're a very nice guy.
Thank you. You're very funny.
And as I said to you before we started, I it's so impressive
what you built here with everybody in the Belfast scene,
someone from London seeing what you guys have done.
And you're definitely seen as someone who is a big driver for
all the success that's come Belfast's way in the comedy

(01:07:38):
scene. So thank you for that.
And do you have good hair? Straight back at you.
All right, guys. Ishan, would you like to plug
and promote some things, even ifit's just like a feeling, you
know? Please follow me on social

(01:08:01):
media. It's the first thing because
I'm, you know, I had talk shows booked in Dublin and Belfast but
I cancelled them because I didn't have tickets, which is a
shame. Yeah.
But I did. Don't speak to me about Milan.
Oh yeah, Milan tough, yeah. They were like will e-mail the
ticket holders, but they're thenthey came back and went there
are no ticket holders to e-mail and they cancelled.

(01:08:22):
And do you know what I like, AndI've said it before on the pod,
I like it when you just say yourcounselling shows you haven't
sold tickets. Yeah, I like that.
I do that. You've got to be honest, you.
Just got to be honest. Yeah, well, I saw unforeseen
circumstance. Yeah, I saw 12 tickets in
Belfast and so that's why I pulled the show.
But, you know, follow me on social media.
Isha Akbar, the actual that's myactual tag, but the actual name

(01:08:45):
is Michael Packintyre so that people can find me.
Yeah, we'll put that in the description.
Michael Packintyre, can you spell it for us, please?
Michal And then is there any shows or anything like I only

(01:09:06):
know how to spell? I knew how to spell Michael from
a very early age because of Peter Schmichael.
So that's not spelled the same way.
There you go. Schmeichel issue Michael and
Michael is Michael now I feel like one of those Indian
spelling bee kids shows wise. Listen, the tour's just done,

(01:09:30):
but following us, loads of stuffcoming out on TV and whatnot,
Just see me on those things. And yeah, come, come see me live
wherever I'm in the country because I'm actually not bad at
stand up, no. You have a great reputation.
Do I? Do I?
Actually Comedians like Ishaan Akbar.
Do you know who I had a conversation about once,

(01:09:52):
Russell? Brand.
A friend of ours, one, we were just doing a long walk from a
gig back to where I was staying.And this guy goes, you ever seen
each other for? I go, I know of him, but I've
never seen him do stand up. He goes.
He's brilliant. Oh, Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

(01:10:15):
Did he? Chris MacArthur?
Boyd. That's nice.
I thought he didn't like me. I don't know.
This was this was a number of years ago.
Maybe in the meantime. It's things have changed.
But yeah, I just remember. Oh, thanks, Chris.
Oh, we liked him too. We didn't say.
I think a funny final together. How nice.
That's very sweet, Dave. Actually, since we're here, can
I ask a question about the voicethat you sent me?
Yes. Right.

(01:10:37):
You were one of the victims. I think it'd be better if you
just played it. No.
OK, don't. Don't, don't.
Don't I will don't believe through that winner.
Okay, okay, okay. Oh, by the way, is this because
you said something bad or because you don't know what you
said? Can I play it?
Nope. Play it after no.
No, but obviously if there's anything bad, we'll take it out,

(01:10:59):
you know? That I I.
Can't, I can't look at myself back and listen myself.
You play it after to me. OK, Can I just say what
happened? So a couple of weeks ago, I get
a voice note. I prepare with nothing from
nowhere from this guy saying, hey, Ishan, just want to let you
know that I love you and everyone in Belfast loves you.
And I'm like, oh, that's nice. And then I hear Fiona O'doherty

(01:11:19):
from the background going, going, what have you done?
And she goes, who is it? And he goes Ishan.
And she goes, no, no, no, put itdown.
And then I hear Shane going, yeah, yeah, put it down.
Yeah, it was the end of that. So I'm like.
It was a cock in a sand. So I'm like what?
What was that about? What it was was I was a little

(01:11:42):
bit out of control and I think they thought we did a boozy.
Bean off the Patreon. They.
We went for a pint after right Dave was 10 out of 10, mangled
and decided the best thing he should do was jump on Instagram
VMS to comedians that we know. No, just no.
No no. This is 1 intercept, not ones we
know, ones we love on the show. Appreciation.
You, Paul Smith and Chris Kent, Chris MacArthur Boyd and Chris

(01:12:05):
MacArthur Boyd. God Voice.
What a foursome. Yeah.
So you just sent a voice note saying.
Because you know what? Sometimes, like, you know what,
we were all loving each other and saying nice things about
each other. You know what?
I'm going to spread this love further because we're all in and
I'm going to spread further. I'm so touched this is how it
is, right? This is how insecure I am
because I thought this must havebeen a bet.
No, no. Amongst the guys to take the

(01:12:27):
piss. No, no, no, no.
He was really drunk but was so loving to.
Yeah, that's very sweet. As I felt like sometimes there's
like divide between us. We feel like our only scene I'm
gonna be. A bit insured.
And I wanna. So me and some people.
Different MacArthur Boyd I cover4 different scenes there didn't.
It yeah, that's impressive. I, I promise you, you just drop
invoice and to people just that's.

(01:12:49):
Not what the funniest one was was the one that Chris Kent,
which it was just Willie had thephone at this point and he was
just singing Creed and then Chris Kent was like this meant
for me. I said yes, Chris.
It was it's love. Yeah, well, I'm very touched,
Yeah. And very humbled by the love
that you guys have given me. And I just want to spread more
love. Yeah, that's all we're trying to
do for God's cheeks, baby. Anything you want to plug from

(01:13:16):
up bro? I am When's this I?
Am When's this coming out I feel.
That's yeah. Where's coming out though?
Yeah, we shut the fuck up. When's it out end?
Of the month 30. End of the month?
Well, if you want to head over on the BBC iPlayer Pickle Storm
Season 2's item and Not for the Kids out.
There. Oh yeah, that kind of stuff.
Anything. Yeah.

(01:13:37):
So I'm. In the current series, I'm in
the current series of Andy, Andyand the band was the CBBC
series. I got a new series coming out
called Pablo Boy Meets School also on CBBC and you can also
see me on That's It. Sex education?
Yes, watching. Pickleball Pickle storm.

(01:13:58):
Pickle Storm, You know pickleball's not a right?
Yeah. Pickle Storm on BBC iPlayer.
And by the way, Season 1 Pickle Storm.
My kids thought that was great show.
Where's Pickle Storm? It's about this girl called
Pickle Storm and she is kind of actually what happened to the
the SE Asians in Uganda. They were forced out of their
their country and they ended up coming to Earth.
So they actually left their planet and came to Earth and

(01:14:21):
they're just trying to settle in.
But they're like an alien family, a bit like you, and
they're just sort of trying to settle.
Into earth did they set a blazerlike launderettes and corner
shops. They actually haven't done
anything yet, they're just trying to settle into and like
things are a bit hard for them because they're like they
usually live in like this strange alien.
I'm always surprised by a numberof white taxi drivers in
Belfast. Too many.

(01:14:43):
I think nowadays there's like 7 taxi drivers in Belfast.
There's one guy does your Yeah. He's literally called Uber
Turkish. Dave knows.
But yeah, people want to see David doing a bit of acting.
Yes. Love that series.
And there's another series coming with Malpractice.
I'm in that for an episode. Check you out.
Yeah, that's what's coming, right?

(01:15:04):
Doing a lot of acting work gaze the three of us you you should
because you're can't get passed.You're like, you're like
classically handsome. Thank you.
Do you mean like I can see you in like in like a black and
white film? Jimmy, I wouldn't do that.

(01:15:27):
What's that? Yeah, like, like Casablanca.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going with the wind.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that kind of thing.
But I think you should. What do you want?
I think you should let your hairgrow out though.
OK. I think because this is nice,
but I think we can move from boyband into adulthood now.

(01:15:50):
That's what I meant. What I meant that came out
wrong. That's what you mean.
What I meant is like, you're a handsome guy and this hairstyle
is nice, it suits you. But I think to add more gravitas
to who you are, you're shame fucking Todd.
You're shame, Todd. People need to know you're
fucking shame, Todd. No, I am.

(01:16:10):
Fucking. Shame, Todd.
Oh yeah. But but you talking about like
like it's like because you're anAdam Row and a couple of these
guys couple of slicks from about.
Yeah, but Adam Adams looks like a wig.

(01:16:31):
But yeah, it's, I think longer hair as you get older, sorry, as
you get older. I'll grow mine out.
I'll just out of the Terry napkins, don't worry.
So you'd like me this you next time you see me for our lunch in
London? You want.
That was such a build up for such a quick sneeze.

(01:16:54):
Start of Kiss by Prince. But who?
Who did I send you again? He always thinks I'm going to
get like be mean to him. But I say your photo, someone's
hair was a raw Beckett and I waslike you would look.
Really. Yeah.
Yeah, long hair. I think long hair would suit

(01:17:15):
you. I'll try a boys like.
Yeah. You don't have to do any other
weird stuff with it. Not the moustache.
Not only like weird big sack canyou grow facial.
Hair. OK, Yeah, I think long hair
would suit you because you're a handsome guy.
I'll try it. Elevate the handsomeness.
I'll try it's. Just that it's getting past that
midpoint. Do you know what I mean?
Like to see that? You see, that's like it.

(01:17:35):
Looks good when it gets like fresh cut and then it would look
good at the end. But it's a lot of time in
between. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're like because here's the thing, I get wispy at the back
inside. Yeah, OK.
You know what though, you could just go to Coco and get we touch
ups to like on the way. Take away your edges off and
just. Because those guys get older.
I'm trying to use less product in my hair as I get older as
well because I think it's. Just so insulting that you just

(01:17:56):
were able to just run your that.One of these.
Situations, Dave, just for a final shot for the camera.
Just run your hands through that.
No, with your actual hair. No, I'm not taking.
You know what happened. I sent my sister a picture of me
and one of my daughters the other day and she was like, your
hair looks pretty good. And then I went think it should
actually know how to resent that.
We need to plug Patreon. Patreon on the Com slash T with

(01:18:18):
me podcast bonus episode the boozy Bake Off that we'll
mention will be on there. The Kill Party we did like a
kill Tony thing in Belfast whichis great if.
You're an exec producer. You now get a credit.
If you're an executive producer on Patreon, you get a thing,
right? I thought you'll hit this right
here, right there. Look at that.

(01:18:40):
Those those guys take some more workload off you to.
Yeah, yeah, they did all the edit.
Nice, that's good. David Ishan, thank you so much
for what I would describe as oneof my favourite ever episodes of
TS Me podcast. Genuinely, that's so nice
script, I had a lovely time. It's a nice triangle of
friendship. A beautiful.

(01:19:01):
Triangle the shake and the fat slot a.
Lovely little threesome. Yep, the shake and the fat slut.
And the chicken liquor. And the chicken liquor.

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