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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I want to check your flight is half half three. 3.
Today 3 from city though. No.
What's the one out in the sticks?
No, I'm checking. It's from city.
It's from city. Well, you said you could come in
earlier. I was like, oh, fuck, yeah,
that'd be easy. Oh, yeah, I've got carry on.
I've. Oh, no, fuck.
Hang on. Well, I was quickly checking,
(00:21):
Yeah. Two your two your flight.
Yeah, Yeah, yeah. Is that right?
Yeah. Let me check.
It started rolling two hours. Do you know what's?
Yeah, perfect. Sorry man.
Do you know what I hate? When you are going to check in
just before a flight and you've and it says go to desk.
Nothing worse. The worst you can talk to
people. Yes, go to desk.
(00:42):
And then you're queuing up with the suitcase people, you know?
On host. You have a you look like you're
doing a press interview for a movie.
I'll take that. Us two, yeah, we just.
I'm pointing to both I'm. A male lead?
Yeah, you're the cookie Say cook, friend.
(01:07):
That's all I'll ever get in the movie.
Cookie say kick friend I. I like, Thomas, that when we
were sorting attention to this pod, I like your relaxed
attitude towards getting your flight.
I'm like that too. Can I be honest?
People freak out. I I generally I'm really
struggling so in general check in.
And thank God, please don't holda conversation.
No, no, you do, but you do. Not check.
(01:28):
Do you know how many flights I've missed?
Like I miss flights regularly, which is so against my
personality because I'm very organised and I know what's
happening. But to do but something with
flights, I'm too laid back. I think it's to do with the fact
that I never want to be early because it's a waste of my time,
right? I want to be just bang on time.
No, so this is I know probably every I will have swear.
(01:50):
F Yes, I can tell. Oh, shame.
No, we are. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, right.
I was just. Going to say.
But in like in 1950s way you saylike holy heck or whatever.
Oh fuck, Thomas. Thomas wasn't even intentional.
(02:11):
Aside from the town, no. You can you can you can say.
You would never imagine your accent in like an old 50s movie.
Do you remember? Did they make them in Australia?
Then no. They had a kind of kind of a
weird radio voice in Australia. They sounded like this.
Really. It was kind of like BBC but a
little bit Australian. Welcome to Australia.
Because where does the Australian accent?
(02:33):
Racism. Australia.
That's just what the answer would probably be.
I mean, I know all about that. I mean, where does the accent
come from? Because.
I've got a theory. Yes.
The I think it's all so we we know that it was majority was
populated from convicts, right, Yeah.
(02:53):
So I think. A lot of those.
Sorry, did you not know that? I have no interest in your
country. That's the main thing people
know about Australia. They're all criminals.
So what do you mean like they took it was like?
Well, generally not, no. I thought it was being a can't I
know you. Right as a qualified expert
they're. Planting criminals there to get
them out of other places. As a qualified expert, let me
(03:13):
take this one. OK, there was people there
chilled. No, no, no, there's people
chilling in Australia. For hundreds of thousands.
Of years despite defeat time. The longest recorded longest
there that they're the oldest civilization.
Ever is in Australia. Indigenous Australia.
OK, then he is. The English.
(03:36):
Yeah. Fuck started bringing prisoners
over and basically were like. You keep these guys.
Yeah, no, they were like, you live here now.
Yeah, because they were like, we're done with them.
You guys have them? Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Australia was time out. Yeah.
You stayed there till you learned your lesson, yes.
Yeah. And then everyone went, oh fuck.
So I think what happened, this is my theory, yeah, is they sent
(03:59):
all the Brits over who were naughty, basically people who
stole bread and stuff, you know,and bread was like.
Fuck, no way you're going there for a loaf.
Yeah, there's no way. How's that gonna be cost
effective though for them to putthem on the ship and said.
I think I thought this through. But did they need people to go
there to build? Build, right?
OK, so they're looking for any reason for you to buy?
Bread. Fuck, you're building as a City
(04:20):
Hall? Oh no.
Right, right, right. Yeah.
Already did that here. But no, basically I think it was
the Brits that were left out in the sun for too long.
I think that's where the accent came from.
Because you imagine they went out there.
Oh fucking hell, it's oh fuckinghell, fucking hell, it's hot.
And then the sun. Oh, oh fuck, oh fuck yeah.
(04:40):
It's just, it's just people fromEssex with vitamin D.
It's like melted Brits, yeah. Melted Brits.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder.
I want to test that theory. I've started giving my son
vitamin D drops in his feet. If.
You get your accent? Yeah, it might not be due with
factories with you 23 hours a day.
I didn't. Think of that.
Yeah, all of a sudden. Look, he's around you all day.
(05:03):
Daddy's going to go away for a while, but your drops are still
going to remain. We're going to test.
Zippers, This episode of the Team With Me podcast is
sponsored by none other than that prize guy.
We're talking about Ireland's largest price site.
You're going what is a price site?
Well, if you go under that priceguide.co.uk you'll see
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(05:27):
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(05:50):
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We won 20 No. A giveaway at the SSC which
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Hope we had a great time. If you enjoy this podcast and
you would like more, you can go to patreon.com/tea with me
podcast where we do all the extra stuff and you're going
(06:12):
what is that? Just just a wee bit of stuff.
It's like that price guy. It's way more than you think.
There is bonus episodes every week from the last like five
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You can watch it all back, your favourite comics on the live
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(06:33):
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Boom. Yeah, I I will arrive for a
flight there on the latest time.I think it's acceptable to be
(06:53):
there. Yeah, I I'm the same I that
wasn't say that's why I was asked about swearing.
I was like every count in the world has ADHD now, but
apparently it's a trade that youyou you don't you're not very
good at with with timing and youthink you've got more time than
you have Yes, and you make excuses in your head.
So I'll be like, Oh yeah, my flight's at 3 Fucking I could be
(07:15):
there. Gate shuts at half two latest If
I'm there by 20 past, I'm fucking laughing.
Do you know what I mean? That's what I'm thinking in my
head. Last time I was in London, I was
sat in a meeting at I'd say 5 say 5:00 PM.
I had a flight at like 7 leavingat 7 from say Stansted or
(07:35):
something. I was in the meeting image.
I was like your flights, what time And I was all this is a few
hours and he was like, you have time to get there and I was all
too much I think and I might geta coffee on the way.
I left the meeting, went to get an Uber to the airport and it
was like the Uber will be here three months also wait will like
loads of time and it was like the Uber will take you 96
(07:58):
minutes to get there and I was like put a 2.
It took me like 20 minutes to get to where I am now from the
airport. Why is it so long to get back
traffic, Thomas? Yeah, yeah, there.
Everyone's getting coffee. So I got into the Uber and was
like, listen, we're going to an airport.
It's not the original one that'son the thing because I can no
(08:20):
longer make that flight. What?
Do you mean? Can you keep driving till I
because right, Can you just keepdriving towards where the
airports? Are you must have sounded like a
billionaire. No, I was, but I was.
Driving until I've procured. Flying planes, driving to the
land plane for me, I was like just keep driving to it was
like, but they're all in different places.
That's. That's movie talk, Yeah.
(08:41):
Just you keep driving. Yeah, keep going.
Where? I had that like weird BBC
Australian accent. The owner kept driving until she
found an airport. Eventually she stopped for
coffee on the way. Well, I did.
When you said original airport, I thought fuck did.
How long were you in this meeting that that airport
updated and changed? Yeah, You know what I mean?
(09:03):
That the original 1 was gone. That's what my.
Brain went. No, no.
So the whole time you were talking there, I was going what
happened to the airport? No, the airport still exists.
I think it didn't break down because I must apply.
Yeah, but I get into the airportand I was like for the like,
she's not going to make it closethe gates, you know, but.
But I've got to go home to my family.
Doesn't matter. Dionna's not going to make it,
(09:24):
sorry. I get into the Internet, so like
you're going to have to drive until I book a flight here.
I'll be like 10 miles maximum. Just drive towards where we were
going to be going. And he was, he was like he was
driving. And then I something, I booked a
flight, but it changed obviouslyto the different airport.
It was like I was not going to Gatwick or whatever.
And it was like, it's still agesaway.
And he was like, I can't take you to Gatwick because this fair
(09:45):
share Stanstead was you're goingto have to book a new Uber says
all it goes. It'll probably just be me
because obviously like you're 1 metre from me right now in this
vehicle. So it'll flag up who's closest.
How? Can I not update?
I know that's silly. Silly.
So I booked a new Uber and it was another guy and I was like
what do I do with you? What I would have loved is that
(10:06):
I feel like if you're in a movie, it's a great movie.
If you're in the Uber and you book the other one and he drives
alongside. And then?
You could jump jump between windows.
This one's going to get Wick. He's not your responsibility, I
know, but I was. Like, what happens to your
family tonight? Do you eat?
Like, what's gonna happen? And he was like.
Again, billionaire talk. They bring it home.
(10:29):
I shall. Feed them.
That's how rich she is that she's worried about other Do
you, do you eat if I don't go with you?
I don't even need to go to. There will your life continue
after me. But I was like, what happens to
you, you know? And he was like, well, I've just
lost this fare, but yeah, it'll charge you like, say whatever,
like a tenner or whatever lengthof time I've driven you to.
But he was a bit like, sad. I mean, he was like, well, this
(10:52):
is obviously like he was gettingan airport fare.
He was getting an hour and a half driving.
He was like, no, I'm not whatever.
And I was like, right, can I cancel him?
Who's coming to get me now here and just pay you in cash or like
just bank transfer you like we'll do it all for the books.
And he was like, if you want, we'll just do that.
We'll do it off the books. And I thought, granted, I was
all it was originally going to be whatever the fare was.
(11:13):
I went minus the tenor that they've now taken from me.
I said, I'll just PayPal you thedifference or bank transfer you
the difference and it goes grand.
So we cancelled. The other guy kept driving
towards the airport and now banking.
That wouldn't work. I couldn't get in.
What about the other guys familythough?
Because they're not eating. Them no, I know, I know we
sorted them out afterwards. My banking app wouldn't let my
face in no makeup on or something.
(11:34):
It wouldn't let me in and like Icouldn't I couldn't get but I
didn't know why do you you wouldn't know your password ever
So I couldn't get into my banking app and I was on the
phone to Sean going you're goingto have to figure out something
from home to get this guy money.That's mine.
What you talking about? My banking app give him a
password for me. Oh, but can't can't do anything
with it. You can't do anything with it.
With just that information, no, no, that's a good birthday,
(11:56):
isn't? It Do you know what I realised
today? My pen cools.
Awful what? It left for you.
Your pen goes what? What would?
You say brass size is 34D whatever.
Why is that your number? Because that they they gave me.
And you kept it. Yeah, you're changing your pin,
(12:16):
you psycho. Yeah, but it's always changed
the same one. There's something about like,
people can really put money intoyour account anyway if they have
that detail. Well, this is the thing I don't
like, so I couldn't give a shit about throwing a package into my
bin that has my full name and address on it.
Yeah, Yeah, right. Sean's like, oh, my God, that
has to go in the shredder. What are you doing?
They're going to know where you live.
I'm all. They're in my fucking driveway.
(12:36):
Yeah, they're gonna. They've stolen that from my bin.
They're standing outside my house with the address on the
door. Yes.
What is this going to do? They're not going to open.
I could start a whole new familyin my name with this.
I don't understand that the whole idea of.
Like maybe that original Uber driver is just going along
again. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You come up to your house, it'll
be in there. Sorry.
Yeah. Yeah, Oh, we took a chance on
(12:58):
this accent. There.
Was one. We had many options and we knew.
Knock on me. We went for Uber driver.
Chill. What about your Uber drivers?
I'll say this, Belfast. Everybody.
There's two of them, so go ahead.
(13:20):
Well, yeah, that one. They take fucking ages to get to
you. I think literally, I think
there's a couple of guys who there's.
Not. That's not a big thing here.
We're not. Doing it was not a big thing.
OK, We're not ready for that yet.
Well, we just had Die Hard come out in the cinemas.
All of them are. Thanks for having a bit of a
delay here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just my flesh. I'm from Australia.
My. Fuck, you've got Die Hard, yeah.
(13:42):
Yeah, the. Oh, because you have to watch it
upset down. Yeah.
Oh, not in reverse. Yeah, it's upside down and
reverse. Then we're like, oh, Bruce
Willis was the terrorist I. Didn't watch it?
Oh no. I've never seen.
It. Oh really?
Never seen it. Don't want to every Christmas?
No. I don't care to watch it.
(14:02):
But yeah, do you know? I don't care to watch it.
I don't care for things like that.
Out of respect for Bruce, what'snot well want to remember how he
is now? But you're only the best
government you do is watch his body of work.
Yeah. You're out of respect for Bruce.
You're not like he'll get royalties if you watch it.
Well, not if I pay rent. Maybe get the bond, sort of.
(14:24):
It I'm going to respect him by never watching his work yeah
yeah yeah just forgetting him completely I'll watch it on
video he's forgotten you yes that's.
Sad. What are you going to say about
the Uber? Drivers.
Oh yeah, like they're all fucking in Mercedes and, and all
these fucking crazy and also, well, what the fuck do?
You know the crack of that. Well, I realised I was booking
(14:46):
Uber luxury. Oh.
But also an extra. So you're into Uber drivers in
America, they rent a lot of themrent the car.
So that's not their actual car. They rent the car to do Uber.
What? Yep, surely that's not very
financially savvy. Must be.
It's yours, You. Need to be Uber in all day.
Probably. And can we talk about Andy
(15:08):
Ryan's hair? No.
Are you going to talk about AndyRyan's hair?
I feel we have to because. He does look like a cab driver.
Thomas was coming up the stairs and I said to Andrew, who was
working in the office there, I said, do you know Thomas?
And he said, oh, yeah, yeah. And Thomas came up the stairs.
I had to stop him and say, I just got to warn you.
Andrew's had a perm down and I think you thought I was joking
(15:31):
but then you realised he has hada perm done.
But I think is Andrew done experimented in the run up days
wedding because he wants a perm for his wedding.
He doesn't want to do too close to the wedding because then he's
stuck with a perm, so he's doingit now so he can let it go away.
He looks like a Jewish hip hop producer.
It looks like Justin Timberlake.No.
It's no the start without. No, he looks like Justin
Timberlake at the end. He's out of sync.
(16:01):
Oh my God, if you told him he looked like Justin Timberlake,
he will come down from that ledge he's on because he's been
getting some. He was reading us some comments
he's been getting. He's like, oh, people are like,
you do you and stuff and then some people.
Are like all of those people give me abusive, hateful
comments. I'm going to do me with my
lovely hair. And I was like, why are you so
serious about this? And also he's being abusive.
(16:25):
Oh no, he is getting abusive. What I.
Mean I think one person's level of abuse is different than
somebody else. Nah, he read.
That's one of those. Just make someone feel bad for
looking like a Pot Noodle. You can't.
Yeah, he's, he's made that call.I do think it's risky to do that
because like, what if he has that hair and he gets given some
terrible news like. To be serious with that hair.
(16:52):
It was like a Halloween wig though, doesn't it?
You know, when people have the curly hair?
Yeah, it's for like. The first few photographs they
put up by as well. That's an AI generated
photograph, obviously. And then I seen the AI generated
photograph that arm Butler put up and I was like, what fucking
about it is his real hair? But you wonder like, do you
know, like do you like if you look go like googy and someone
smacks your face, you'll fuck itmight stick.
(17:12):
Yeah. What if it sticks?
Who smacks your face? You're mad or somebody do you
like when you go? Googy, googy.
What is? Good.
Never a Daffris Googie. Yeah, yeah, like.
Googly, googly eyed. Googly eyed No.
Googie, we don't say googly. Googly, no good.
Well, cross eyed. If you go cross eyed, there's
got out there, they'll change orsomething.
Smack. See, when you go cross eyed, you
(17:33):
really go cross eyed. Yeah, yeah.
Thanks. Dude, wow.
Oh my God. Is that a lot?
Yeah. Do it.
Again. Oh yeah, OK.
No, you're just going down. That is the way the guy looks
who reads the news of the BBC history lesson.
Fucking hot out there, very hot out here.
(17:54):
Avenues. Andrew Ryan's had a pen.
See if I, if I do cross ice, yeah, no, someone in the
comments is going to write the time stamp and go when's he
going to do cross ice when I'm doing, because they'll be
inferring that my eyes are already crossed, right.
So I'm just getting ahead of that.
Why would somebody? Because people say I have like a
like 2 lazy eyes or cross eyed and all this kind of stuff and I
don't. Yes.
(18:14):
Someone said it about like me recently, like I had a lazy eye
and I first go in the eye and I thought.
I touch me doing it. Is that good?
No. Do you know what you're doing
right now? I'm Butler, Sammy and Naughty
Shore. Oh yeah, like.
You just look at all. I know, I know.
If you can't do it, you tilt your head.
This I say. Nope.
So I can't do it. No, you know, look like your
(18:36):
character. The wee guy.
The wee guy. The wee guy, Yes.
Did you do the wee guy? Is it?
Is it? Is there a reason you're saying
it over and over? Because I'm confused.
Oh yes. Who's he?
Are we gay? William Thompson Pizza Mom,
Marty, I'm. Talking about a character,
(19:13):
that's so. Cool.
Do you know it's so disrespectful?
I am I broke my hand. And I posted in the Comedians
What's Up group about it that I'd broken my hand.
And someone wrote, So that day that I broke my hand, I was
playing in a football match and William was dying to watch the
game. And I had a photo after the game
of me and William. And I said like, there was real
(19:34):
swelling on my hand. And I think it might have been
Johnny Bo. Someone cropped in on William's
hand and wrote You've broken your wanking hand, Williams,
Right hand. Fucking hell.
Uses his left anyway sippers. This episode of the TV podcast
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Do you feel like Andrew Ryan's head?
Some Thunder out of you breakingyour hand, Jimmy.
Big news. Week yeah you think like he did
it in response like he just panicked and was like I need to
do something yeah he's I. Need to get my head done.
Get the perm done. Yeah, apparently perms not good
(21:24):
for your hairline. As a guy that's.
What? I'm me.
I got a pair. I'm not a guy.
I know, I know. By the way, you've never seen
more like a guy when you went I'm not a guy I've never thought
you might have. Pose of my balls I might have.
I never thought you were. I now think you might be a guy.
It's. Just because you said if you're
(21:45):
a guy it affects your hairline and I have a really high
hairline and I went, oh, that's about me.
So I was just wondering to you saying the guy's hairlines get
affected by perms, which can't be true, right?
It can be because apparently youyou twist all the hair.
Isn't that what the perm is likeyou Oh.
Fuck it, you twist it out a bit or something.
But it like pulls it by the root.
(22:06):
Oh shit, you know it was a you got.
A headache for having a permanent that sounds fucking
sore. I don't.
Know what happened to you? You got a perm once and that's
why. You're headed.
I got a perm when I was when I was 12 years old.
Ridiculous thing to have on a child, really big like Irish
dancing style perm. And I was delayed it with myself
when I went down to school in the first, I got like like a
couple days before we were starting back into school and it
(22:26):
was second year and I was delayed it with my perm and I
wanted to go in and obviously show it off and all.
And I went down in the first dayof school and I went over to the
office to go where's my new classroom?
Because you get a new classroom starting every year.
And she was like, what do you mean your new classroom?
Do you just mean your classroom?And I was like, no, I'm a
different one from last year. And she was like, are you your
first year or second year? And I thought, I'm a second
year. She was using start next week
and I had to sit in the IT took two hours for my mum to come get
(22:49):
me because we lived to the country and took her to drive
home, get a phone call or fucking landline because there
was no mobiles back then. And then she to come back and
get me and I sat like a just bigpair of my duck head and the
foyer of the school with my big hair that no one cared about.
But. What so do you so that pulled
your hair back? No, no, no.
(23:09):
You said that's where your forehead.
No, that was a joke, all right. Obviously not.
Fucking hell, clearly not. I just thought you studied
really, really hard at school and then it had an effect.
On my size of my head. Yeah, Thank you.
Very smart. Thanks very much.
Yeah, yeah. Because when he sent me the
perm, I was in the garden so my phone was really bright, so I
(23:32):
didn't really properly look at it, but I was trying to be nice
and replied and was that actually looks great.
But then when I saw it in the light, I realised.
But I don't think it looks great.
I think it's one of those thingswhere like if you have a
conference to do it. But it's just it's anything you
do a dramatic change. I was all what the hell?
And then we'll look back in the day and go, do you remember what
Andrew Vine didn't have a perm? Yes, that's what we'll say.
(23:55):
Yes. Oh, you think he's going to keep
it now? Well, I think he's got no
choice. It's it's deep.
It's deep in the Reds. It's like we'll look back to me
and go Matt and remember what Women couldn't vote and Andrew
doesn't have a pair. Hold on, hold on.
Women can vote. Only on The X Factor and stuff.
(24:15):
Only on fun stuff. They can't in Australia though.
Huh. What?
Women can't vote. Yeah, no, they're allowed.
To do it. Drive.
Can I tell you something? I I love Australia.
You do? Yeah.
One of the best places ever beenreally.
Twice for stand up and I, Absolutely.
(24:36):
Love it, I was. Surprised.
People do shit on it as a joke. Yeah, I must have turned off
everything in my algorithm to dowith Australia because I'm
unaware of people. That's the thing with Australian
stuff, an algorithm, if you throw it away, it comes back.
Good. Yeah, No, I feel like do you
know that a lot of things Australia can kill you and stuff
like that you're not really aware do?
(24:56):
You mean like animals? Yeah, of course.
All right, I didn't know how badyour algorithm was.
Yeah, I. Wouldn't make the algorithm to
let me know bears. Exist, yeah, but yeah, but.
We don't have bears or alligators.
We have crocodiles. That's the.
Same thing. I mean, I watch a lot of Steve
Irwin. I still thought you had
crocodiles and alligators, but the bears thing that is.
There's going to be bears. Oh, I'd say if you go to the
(25:18):
right places, there's bears in Australia.
There's no bears. There's all the zoo.
There's a bear. There's a bear.
What do you mean there's one? Hello.
It's called Play, Fiona. Don't tell anyone I'm here.
I don't know. What this accent is either it's.
Welsh, I come over in the booth.From wheels I am, yeah.
(25:39):
But Steve Irwin was keeping a little.
I feel like the things that could, like, hurt you.
What do you mean how many things?
Yeah, I feel like people were less likely killed by dangerous
animals in Australia when Steve Irwin was still around.
Because he was making them out to be cute.
No, because he was. He was.
He was just like, do you? Know what I mean?
(26:02):
Well, amongst other animals. You need to apologise.
You went for the final kill. Fucking.
That's his. Final boss.
It was. Either that or nations father.
I couldn't think of. Anything right uses Bob like.
Next, should we have to go with Anthony from The Wiggles?
Some people in Australia don't juggle.
But no, I just mean like, these are Australian people, you can't
(26:24):
juggle. But no, he's not there.
Wake up, Jeff. Yeah, all those guys.
Do you know the Wiggles, then the biggie?
Oh. We love the Wiggles.
My kids love the Wiggles. Shut up.
Yeah, I'll. Tell you why that were
international? Shawn's kids.
Shawn's eldest child is 21. Yeah, some people call him a
man. Not in our house, but he.
He watched The Wiggles when he was a wee child.
And are we babies watching? Yeah.
So it's like. My kids love the Wiggles.
(26:46):
My oldest son, Youngest son. No time for the Wiggles.
It was the TV show I've never seen before that my sons just
started watching Balamory. Oh, yeah.
What's the story? Yeah.
Yeah. I never knew what that was.
It's fucking great. Yeah.
I've never been into that. No, not in that.
But the purple I used to watch it, the new purple.
Toxins. Absolute.
He's erotic. Who's?
Oh OK, with the earring. The guy who not not lucky.
(27:08):
Not lucky, he's knackered. And new wiggles, I tell you
what, the new wiggles, there wasa wee.
There was a wee period where Lucky could have had a few
months off. Lucky had twins, he twin babies.
But he broke up with Emma and every.
He broke up with Emma. He got divorced.
He found they're all ancestral, by the way.
They're all each other. I'm funny.
It's going to be the the dinosaur or something.
All guys book in the Unicorn. Cast orgies.
(27:30):
Yummy, yummy. Yeah, they are all going each
other now. Fucking hell.
Simon is married to the dancer. Yep, and and.
The dancer? What dancer?
One of the one of the dancers init sometimes.
There's dancers in the Wiggles, is what I mean.
Yeah. Right, The Wiggles is a far
bigger ensemble now. Like.
You definitely know more about the wings.
To me, yeah. Well, there's there's two of
(27:51):
each colour now and the new guy who plays the purple wiggle.
They're multiplying. They're multiplying.
So they are fucking. Why don't you mean racially?
Yeah, be nice. The purple wiggle guy.
Who's the new wiggle guy? Yeah, he's a guy.
Yeah, Tank. I've seen he's in his 20s.
(28:11):
There's a girlfriend. He dances through his crotch.
That's how he delivers his dance.
They're all like this here. And he does.
Oh, it's. For the moms, it's.
For the moms, it's. For the yeah.
Definitely for the moms. Wheels is great, yeah, but I
just mean Steve Irwin was probably like protecting the
Australian people because he he was the goal between between
like the wildlife. Oh yeah and the people.
(28:31):
So he's like relaxed guys, relaxed to the snakes and all
that kind of thing. But once Steve gone open season
like. Oh yeah, he would just.
Get stupid. Because it kind of was like he
like, yeah, it's so true. Because I feel like what
probably what happened was all the animals probably like, we
need to fucking get this guy. Do you know what I mean?
That's the old guy, like was Steve.
(28:52):
And so we were all safe. Yeah, you know what I mean.
You want do you think the animals wanted to get Steve?
Well, he's the only guy who can interpret them.
Yeah. He's doctor.
But run, Robert. Now he's trying to be like a sex
guy. Oh.
Bro he's. Doing like Calvin Klatt, you
seen this? But like, he's trying to be a
sex guy. Yeah.
(29:12):
What does that mean? Trying not to be a virgin so
hard? Yeah.
Look him up. He's like, he's basic, Yeah.
He's like doing like, underwear pictures and everything, though.
And he's like, I'm a sexy guy. He's rebranded.
All the people like and all the comments like.
Oh, Robert. Yeah, is this, are they all 90
year old woman Megan Jam? Oh my.
God, Robert. Is this his son?
(29:35):
Yeah. OK.
Yeah, he's doing sexy guy stuff.Do you know who also was doing
sexy guy stuff? Jade Goody and Jeff's son.
Right. Who are they?
Jade Goody was a famous relativeTV star here and Jeff is ATV
presenter but they'd. Be very OK, sorry.
She has since passed away, but they have two sons together and
(29:56):
their Their sons are like, attractive guys, but the world
knows them as kids. Yeah.
And all of a sudden they're like20 and sexy and like.
This is what's happening with Robert Irwin because everyone
saw him grow. Up you're not allowed to be an
adult now and. Then he's like, hang on, what
the fuck? What you need to do is Miley
Cyrus Hannah Montana thing you need to be Hannah Montana for
age child go away almost. He's Rob now.
(30:19):
He's like, look at this snake, you know, let me tell you what
this get this. This Python?
Yeah. Got a hell of a bot.
Can I tell you something you actually look like?
You look a bit like Jade Goody. Just your facial, did you?
Say, Jane. Goody goody.
Oh, it's Jade. Yeah, you actually do look a bit
like a woman. Yeah, you guys tell me I have
pretty good skin. Yeah, it actually looks a bit
(30:41):
more like Jade Goody's husband. Do you look like both of them?
You. Look like both of them.
Oh fuck. Are you telling me so you look?
At your kids. Is this my real family?
Yeah. Yes, finally.
Oh my God. Yeah, they're not Scottish.
Because, you know, I don't know my parents.
Yes. Yeah, your, but your family's
from Scotland. Yeah.
I do know my parents, but yes, mom's from Glasgow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was sent.
She wasn't sent over. So did it.
(31:05):
Why did they move to Australia? So her parents were so proper
Glasgow, and then they were like, you know, the 50s.
Is that promise of a new life inAustralia, son?
They were like, we're sending this bear on a boat.
If you want to get in the boat with the bear, it's up to you.
It's called panning. See, when I when I talk to
(31:26):
Australia, I totally get why young people, especially like in
Ireland, move over there. Yeah, yeah, it's amazing.
It's. Not very expensive, no.
The rent in Sydney and Melbourneand stuff would be very dear.
Oh, Sydney's fucked. Hi, it's London.
It's so expensive. Yeah.
Bought from Adelaide, which is not as dear.
Yeah, being that like because they my mom's size or Glasgow
(31:50):
and then her mom originally their family was from Sligo and
they all moved to Glasgow duringthe famine.
They will only go to old. Yeah, Sligo, Glasgow, Moscow.
Yale. Ohio.
That's why we're Ozio's. It was that old, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Because what, you hated it when?
(32:11):
What is it when you abbreviated everything?
Yeah, all the time. Yeah, the briefs.
The briefs. Oslo.
Oslo, yeah. Wow, that was like a glitch in
the matrix there. Moscow.
It took way too long. Moscow.
I said that. Oh, did you?
Yeah. Oh, there's my glitch.
Yeah, here. When's the last time you went
back to Australia? Say again, when's the last time
(32:31):
you went back to Australia? Last year in February.
Did they appreciate it? Like did they?
Yeah, at the customs I'm like, oh, fucking welcome back, cunt.
He's back. We've missed you.
And I was like that. Give her having me back.
What age did you leave Australia?
Say again. What age did you leave
Australia? 28.
Were you just sound up over there?
Yes, but like I just sort of started and then it was weird
(32:56):
because I wasn't getting hit to stage time because Adelaide was
so small. So it would be like, and there
was too many people, people wereleaving Adelaide because they
wanted stage time and stuff. And so I just started booking
my, I did it kind of reverse. Instead of like building up from
5 to 10 to 20 all that. I just booked myself in at the
Fringe Festival in Adelaide for an hour for a two week run.
Just went, oh, on stage time. I'm going to do stand up and
(33:17):
just went on stage, did an hour.Jesus.
Christ. And sort of just forced myself,
yeah. So then in 2015 I moved over and
I wasn't doing any stand up like.
Where did you move first? Say again.
Where did you move first? London, right?
Yeah. And then, yeah, I didn't do
stand up till 2016 in London or in the UK.
(33:38):
And then, yeah, but it was. Yeah.
I come over and I was like, Oh yeah, yeah, I've been doing all
this stuff and Adelaide like, you know, like it was feel like
great. And then I got a fucking rude
awakening and they're like levelof talent in the UK was crazy,
right? And also I didn't have what I
had done. The clubs never done a club, I'd
just done a fringe. Oh, right.
OK. Do you?
(33:58):
Know what I mean? It's totally different.
Oh, so your first gig was an hour long?
Yeah, not, not my first ever gig.
First ever gig was a a competition.
I just went on this whole story.The X Factor, all the women were
like, yes, the way you lad with the hair straight.
Like she's Speaking of the hair.I want to.
I'll get back to standard, but have you only grown your hair
(34:19):
long recently? Yeah, I'm grown out.
I'm thinking of, I always say this, right.
I would love to do it. Ishan Akbar was in here a while
ago. Oh, yeah.
And Ishan says your hair, he goes, you have good hair, but he
goes, when Are you ready to become a man with your hair?
What? I was like, that's weird.
What do you mean? And he's like, he's like, we're
ready for the next phase of she and Todd.
(34:41):
He's like, we need to see the hair.
He he he wants me doing that. Like you know you could have.
Just to go short side. I.
I think you have to have hair atthe site.
I think if you just do the top it's very, very slutty looking.
Slutty. Slutty.
Why on a man? Just the top, no sides.
I'd imagine you're called Mario,right?
(35:03):
And you like to fuck right? Scared.
To me, that's not a bad Rep. But here's the issue.
Right Here's the issue. Princess Peach.
Da da da da da da It's. Like no, the rings.
Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding. I wish I read more about Mario.
(35:26):
Just rings and hips and a Princess.
You don't know Mario. I know.
But I don't know. What Princess Paige is going to
get it at this level? See, when you see when you said
you don't know Mario, it sound it seemed like a trailer for a
mad movie, but there's like a crazy Australian guy in it.
You don't know Mario. Oh yeah.
And then and then it's just wife.
(35:47):
That was pretty good accent. My kids love Mario and anytime
I'm trying to get like Alexa to play like Mario thing shouldn't
Spotify the Mario songs baby, you should.
Let me love. Straight away it's like that guy
that guy is, but he's singing Mario.
I thought that would get more oflike a nice because I feel like
I kneeled up. You did.
You did. Now look.
But in my head I was like, I wasstill in the video game Mario,
(36:11):
and I heard you sing that. And I was like, I don't remember
playing that level. But I Mario was an arm was an
R&B singer, cute guy, but he he did a reverse what I'm thinking.
He had that he had the braids. And then at the start of the
video for Let Me Love You, he debuts a skillet.
So if you grow your hair out, would you keep the same colour
(36:33):
or would you add a few highlights?
Low lights. No, I can't do highlights.
You just in the colour. But here's.
Oh, I know. I think we know.
Yeah, I said that passionately. I was like, I wouldn't do
highlights, realised you might have them and then I'd sort of
trailed off. But we we know, yeah.
Here's what I want to do, right I I always go, I'm going to grow
(36:53):
my hair out, but then I can't handle the in between.
But see when we bits of hair goes over the top of my ears.
Yeah, I can't do that. See, it's my head in now around
here. Because that would look like I
just had a strip of shaved her and it would be weird.
But you're not think if I had a low feet I can keep shaving here
and then it would be like it would still be.
(37:16):
Do we should do trial a wig? Like Andrew?
No, he's got his real hair. No, I can't.
Try a wig Get a wig off Amazon. Find the Find the hairstyle
your. AI AI we did.
But AI isn't going to be walkingaround here yet.
Do you? Do you pod with the wig?
No, Get some feedback. I think it would look good.
(37:39):
I had long hair for a couple of months when I was about. 17 now
So here's the thing, I think when you grow it to the length,
people accept that that's your hair.
Now if Shane went from that really tidy haircut to some
fucking and wigs aren't ever going to look like how it would
look. No, they're always fucked.
So you'd fucked long hair. Yes.
(37:59):
People are like, what's this guydoing?
But also, do you not think your hairstyle is very representative
of your personality type and your style?
Like your cookie and zany? We love you, Fat Thomas.
Start of an intervention. Mario who's fucking but.
You know, you're like, you know.Yeah, Yeah, that's very true.
(38:23):
And this hair, so it's that chains very clean cut.
I mean when I was. She's a guys well behaved, Yes,
that's what the hair strength says.
You are very well behaved, aren't you He?
Looks like a guy who plays football.
Does well, it's wearing. Hands.
But then if I have long, if I have long hair, I'll look like a
like a Spanish guy plays football or.
Something I would say Argentinian.
(38:43):
I wouldn't. Yeah.
Yeah. Polish.
No, OK. But yeah.
Like like it's close down the leaving or something.
I don't know. I'd like to do it.
Yeah, I would like to do it, butI don't think I'm prepared for
the in between but. It's the in between, but it's
hard and anything really seeing through.
Yeah, but we did you have shittyin between but.
Yeah, you. Still live in that night I'm
(39:04):
still in. It still in it babes?
No. So what I did is I started
growing out a mullet and I had alike a burst fade.
So I had the shaved round there and I was growing the mullet out
and then the hair and then I wasgoing to grow it out and I had
the wedding. So we like went no, let's keep
it neat, neat mullet and then start this year I started just
growing it all out. Yeah.
(39:26):
So how long do you think it takes for me to get that length?
How fast your hair normally go? Fast is it?
Oh, I think I don't know. Not to show off it's.
Hard. Maybe.
Maybe like a year. Eight months?
That's way too long like. But people grow humans in that
length of time. Yeah, they come early.
That's true. Fall humans, you can grow.
Humans. If I can do that man, you can
(39:48):
grow your hair. But you know what I think as
well? Everything at the time seems
like a really long time, but in hindsight it's 2 seconds.
I do know what you mean. Once it's completed you're like
fuck that wasn't that long. But when it's happening, it's
like. Like when you get sick and you
go I'm never feeling normal again.
Yeah, and then a day. Later you can't remember.
(40:08):
I'm the worst for that. I'm like I remember I.
You seem like you get colds a lot.
Do you get colds a lot? Since having a baby, yeah, yeah,
I've get colds. Yeah.
And oh, actually, because you can.
I used to be a tear. I see.
Like I get colds like what the fuck?
(40:29):
Like Mario and you don't have a very good immunity.
I could see you with a Red Nose.I think just probably because if
you live in Australia for a longtime, it's way colder anywhere
else. No.
So I generally, that's the thing.
When I moved here, I got colds way more.
I got hay fever for the first time.
What did I just say? I see you getting colds a lot.
(40:50):
Yeah, I was bang on. Yeah, you were.
You smashed it. I'm just I want to know why you
said that. I don't get sick ever but I 24/7
don't feel well. Do you know, do you know what I
mean? Yeah.
No, I mean all day, every day. I'm not well, but I never get
sick enough or I have to stop the things that I'm doing.
I'm never bedridden, I'm never throwing up.
(41:11):
I'm never like I'll or she had to take three days out because
she's not well, but I am at all times not.
I'm like, I'm like 40% health. I could see you taking pain I'd.
Rather than have a cold. I don't, no.
Yeah, I. Mean I'd rather I don't have a
cold one. 40% I know, check my bag.
It's just I play your bluff and it's just full of painkillers.
(41:32):
Next thing, yeah, I sell them from my bag.
I know I would. No, I'm just like I always am.
Like what should I be doing? Like what do you feel right now?
Why you're 40% right now? Always tired, I get enough
sleep. What just percent do you?
3037 to 40 have. You ever been 100, so how can
you say when you've got 36? I would say, oh, my age is 36.
(41:55):
Is that what you meant? A.
Percentage wise, maybe you're not.
Always less than 50, always the only time I feel well, do you
know whenever you like, you go do a gag and afterwards you're
like, oh, all the shittiness I felt today, actually feel
completely fine now. Like there were times when I was
pregnant that I would be like, and I would go on stage and I'd
be like, I'm not even sick, you know, But then half an hour
after you come off stage, they. Yeah, Doctor.
Comedy comes in. Doctor.
(42:15):
Comedy like that is like medicine.
But the rest of the day, yeah. I'll I presented you right now.
Say again, what? Percent did you right now?
Am I right now? Yeah, I'm 83.
Look. You're 83, I would say I I'm
about 71. I've got a little cold 7271.
I'd say I'm I'm at a good. No.
(42:36):
Solid B. He doesn't need gluten or dairy,
which I think is a massive help to make you feel better.
Yeah. Do you have gluten?
Why are? You saying that like you've such
a problem with it though. No, I, I would love to do that,
but I find that impossible. You, you have to do that.
So that's great that you've got that issue that.
Why do you begrudge me? It's too bad, no?
Like you've got the. You've no choice.
(42:57):
Yeah. Do you know what I?
Mean. Yeah.
You can't help who you are, Shane.
Yeah, I've got what I mean to you.
In order to feel better, I need Crohn's, right?
I need something to go. You can't have that.
Discount code I can I can get you that if you want.
You. Want to get Crohn's disease?
You look like a guy who drinks plenty of water, right?
Do you know what I mean? Is that what you've got?
Crohn's disease, Yeah, Rather, Yeah, Yeah.
(43:19):
That sounds pretty serious, yeah.
Yeah, you're what? It isn't Panther.
No, it's look, I'm very like, like if you like.
When they told me I had it, I was like, all right, you know?
Yeah. What can you do like?
It's like I said, you can. You can have crowns and a good
(43:41):
head of hair, Yeah. Or not, crowns and bald.
And but what would you go? For here we are.
Well, look at my hair. You see the Crohn's disease or
Crowns disease, Which one are you going for?
And they did give him that choice.
No, I'm, I'm a big like, what can you do guy?
Yeah. And that's not like a defeatist
thing. It's like, well, look.
I'm not so fucking embrace it. What kind of changes?
What's wrong with you? Established you are a guy have.
(44:01):
You got any like? I'm not.
How can mean I've got non directed thyroid?
Yeah, well that's the thing you've got under active thy.
Wise. For a second I thought you said
a radioactive thyroid and I was like fuck me.
What is this thyroid thing I hear people talking?
About yes, I thought, what do you think your thyroid is?
It's it's in your. Fuck up, Promise you're going.
(44:24):
I'm going, all right. Is it?
No, that's what I thought. It's your.
Thought, oh, he was right. Yeah, because I thought exactly
that. Was because my parents are
nurses so I know shit. They're both nurses, yeah.
No, Daddy just pretends.
(44:59):
Contractive Thyroid. Yeah.
What does that mean? What does that do it?
Slows everything down in your body.
So is your metabolism down? Oh, so you'd never beat 100
anyway? You're fat.
No, but I only discovered I had it about four.
Australian doctor, bedside man looking at your chart.
Yeah, your granny's fucked here.Yeah, yeah.
She came over to make the bed and.
(45:20):
This is your metabolism just makes everything in your body
slower. Your energy levels are low,
you're cold. You're.
So you could never have won sports Day.
Even at 100% with with full cracking thyroids I would never
want anything on sports day. Yeah, because you were slower.
Yeah. But you talk.
Outside of the classroom, not inthe classroom.
(45:41):
Oh, you do talk fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Case in point.
I've got stuff to say, but that.Was six years.
Six years what? No, that was 6.
Years. Oh, you said.
(46:01):
I thought you, I said. That was six years.
It's been 6 years I've been cheated from my own.
Job. What do they do for?
It just give you a wee tablet I take every morning.
Oh, that's easy. Yeah.
Oh. Fuck, see, I have that.
What? Are you?
Complaining about. I do get fatigue like from my
(46:23):
condition but I just. Have you ever had COVID?
Yeah, you have long COVID because I think I've got long
COVID. No, but I mean Crohn's.
So if you had a FIFA card, you you fatigue would be your speed
would be up there. But if fatigue's.
Fatigue I'd be fatigue like but I just I get on with like do.
They pick so when they have, when you have football cards, do
they write down on the shit things they have?
Not medically, but they'd be alllike crap is their football.
(46:45):
No, but like in the game you canselect if people fatigue or not,
can't you? Yeah.
But like but it means like how tired the player is during the
game. It doesn't mean like he's to be.
You think the game lists negative personality traits of?
Players, of course they're not. It's a game.
They're not real. Yeah, but they're not getting.
Tired. Oh yeah, he scores the Dortmund.
(47:07):
They score in real life. Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm trying to say. Oh.
I'm going. Why can't you go?
Oh my, we my we man. And the game's tired.
He's not real. Thomas, you got a Belfast tour
show coming up. It's like that episode of Black
Mirage. Are you guys playing?
The I don't watch it the thing. I've never watched Black Mirror.
(47:29):
Too much, I don't think. Yeah, yes, yes.
I don't like thinking. I think it's.
Welcome to my world. Yeah, I just want to.
Watch something I want to zone out on.
Yep. I'm watching Mobland at the
minute. I don't even know if that Gary
Ritchie. No, they're Tom Hardy.
Tom Hardy? Helen Mirren.
Oh, maybe Helen Mirren. Helen's sexy.
(47:51):
I meant Tom Hardy. Now like like do you like
animation? No.
What you. Mean exact animation.
No, no. You mean like oh.
Switching off with the fucking Disney film.
Oh, the only thing, the only reason I wouldn't be watching
that is just like being an adult.
Right. Yeah.
No. It's not nonsense.
(48:12):
No, I I don't know, like what? Huh.
Like what? What kind of stuff?
Like bluey. Bluey.
Louise Cracker. Bluey is fucking great though.
Bluey's a fucking. Watch last night we were gigging
together and Willie T was there as well and we were tossing up a
seat between William and Thompson and I had to go on
stage and I when I was like, do you have a coin in your bag?
And I was like, I only carry notes.
(48:32):
And so I got a. Flatter.
Down. But I had a Why didn't you sort
that Uber driver I had? A bluey rubber.
What? What the fuck?
Yeah, it was a eraser. A rubber eraser.
(48:55):
Yes, it don't say I wouldn't sayrubber.
I got a bluey rubber, yeah. It definitely would make the
vibe weird if it's like cartoon condoms.
Yeah. Yeah, that.
Fun stick on these Teletubby, OH.
Lightning McQueen. Yeah.
Fucking hell I. Think that's kind of OK.
A lot of McQueen rubber, Yeah, more so than like a teller with
a big with a lightning down the shaft.
(49:15):
Yeah, more than a Teletubby. Like, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, telly tub would be weird, yeah.
Yeah, you are under sexy animation.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no no. Teletub is animated.
No, it's not. That is true.
You know, you're talking about the more FAQ on each other.
The people look, no, the wiggle was inside yes.
Was that was the telly type we seen on that, the actors and
(49:36):
stuff. We chatted about that on all
clip and it started to get a bitlibellous.
I think the. Purple 1 maybe?
Had some issues. There was issues.
OK. OK, but the, the the Wiggles are
doing it I think because they'reon the road for like 10 months
out of the year and that's the it's either their audiences
aren't their children so gotta fuck each other.
(49:57):
Right. OK, just to be fair.
Talk about all clips. Can we ask Thomas?
He's from Adelaide, Yeah. Does he know about the
Germantown? Does that exist?
Yes. There's a whole town in
Adelaide. The handoff of people.
After the Second World War, a lot of Germans moved over to
Australia. Yeah.
(50:18):
And in Adelaide there's a Germantown.
Have you been? Yeah.
Really. Do they speak with a German
Aussie accent? No, it's weird because it's like
from World War 2. So I'm Blondie.
Blue eyes. They love me, Yeah.
I would have been on posters in Germany for sure.
(50:40):
Holding a gun, yeah. I look like an old Aryan Boy
Scout. Yeah, yeah.
Actually, that's wild. Oh my God.
Yeah. Hello Xiaomi.
Exactly. Yeah, oh mate, yeah, now there
(51:05):
is a hand off. It's and not just hand off
because there's also. A lot of little.
German settlements in the country, around Adelaide in the
wine region and stuff, but hand offs massive.
You go there, get Cransky and all that.
Like you go and have traditionalGerman but beers and.
And is it like you know and so? Don't have an accent?
Don't have an accent. Okay, sorry, what?
(51:26):
You say you can get those in Belfast at Christmas is what I'm
saying? I mean, I'd call it Oktoberfest,
but. That's not Christmas, that's in
October. Is it?
I don't know, is it not? You're a guy, like, I gotta say,
like Australia and Derry are twolike big accents.
(51:47):
Yeah, I could see like ABBC 3 show where you guys are just
like exploring each other's accent, you know?
It's so dirty. Now I think people are like, if
you guys can have a conversation, anyone can have a
conversation. Yeah, there was actually a clip
of that where we're talking about that ITV thing that we did
together. And I was asking you, you think
was I going to you, can you tellthe difference between my accent
(52:07):
and somebody say here from Belfast?
And everyone was like, I think everyone can tell the difference
between your Derry accent and any other accent here.
I mean, I just thought you were like here, like Belfast, but
just like a bit more do you knowwhat I mean?
Like a bit more like if you're abit more Aussie, yeah, I'll
sound people could be a bit morefucking, yeah.
(52:28):
We thought it was just more of the accent.
Yes, that they have. I just thought you had a bit
more of a like your thyroid might have been slow in some
areas. I had too much sun, too much
sun. Yes.
Yeah. No, you've got a very strong
accent. Thank you.
Yeah, well, what? You're on tour at the minute,
(52:48):
yeah, but you're when's your tour?
Tour. My tour starts September.
Do you know brings babies to hertour?
Yep. Do you Yeah, there's been babies
in my tour. I have a babes in Arms policy.
So if you have a newborn baby and you don't want to part with
it for whatever reasons to you can bring it to my show.
I've had babies in the show and a newborn baby in my first show
didn't even know it was there until the end and then at a 5
(53:10):
month old in my show the other day.
To people which we sorry, we said last night.
Bit much no baby was really wellbehaved so it's fine.
So that was a newborn, like at the start of the year, I'd say
at Christmas, that was a newborn.
Yeah, yeah, it was fine, though if it was kicking up a fuss.
Christmas is an October for her.I remember that.
So not quite. So hang on.
(53:32):
So can I just ask, if people come to a show, do they know
that's the policy? As in other people who might not
be parents? Yeah.
Or do they rock up and go oh fuck no, fuck on an aeroplane be
gonna see a baby, Yeah. Yeah, no, I've, I've, I've, I've
made it public news. I think it's probably on the
ticket link for the websites andall too that there's a babes in
arms policy. Most theatres have a babes in
(53:53):
arms policy. Yeah, yeah, less and less these
days. Like but I mean most theatres
always had a babes in arms policy for new months who like
shouldn't be excluded from socialising and entertainment
because they have either anxietybut leaving their babies or
they're breastfeeding them or just whatever reason they've
fucking no babysitter. Don't know made the baby.
Baby bang the. Baby Would you ever have a baby
at your show? I just making a joke there and I
(54:15):
thought bad about it. Didn't actually but I had babies
at my show. There would have to be in a
great babies can be unreasonable.
Like I was going to say, there'dhave to be an agreement that the
baby doesn't kick off at any point.
We just. Have a chat to him beforehand.
Yeah, probably if I could have just a quick like.
Fucking shot at. I do say anyway, but there's
only been two times there's beenbabies.
Then what happened? Can we just rewind and Thomas
(54:36):
some pressure to me which is 0. Yeah.
Shut that. Shut that, man.
I don't. Know why I made the opposite?
I don't know. Yeah, I feel like you should be
able to go if you have a baby, but like, but don't be like.
It's a great area. If the baby's crying, yeah, step
outside so. This is what happened so the
mums of my shows had a baby withhim literally sat beside the
door so they could leave like. Yeah, that makes sense.
(54:59):
Yeah. And other audience member, like
if you find coming to your show,there's a Babes in Arms policy
that you're going to be in therewith 30 kids that's just come
from daycare and they're all going to be screaming and
shouting and fucking blue. He's going to come on stage or
whatever. Like obviously not as a human as
the parent holding the baby. If it starts to cry, you'd
leave, Yeah. And you'd just settle the baby
and come back in maybe, or don'tcome in, whatever.
(55:20):
But like you would, you took it under your hands.
Do you know what I mean? But the I, I say the two times
there's babies and I've said to the audience as a fuse, don't
laugh at bits. I'll just assume you're trying
not to scare the baby. You, you want to keep the baby
asleep. So thank you for that.
If you don't laugh, I'll also bedelighted.
Yeah. Works in my favour when there's
your baby there. I'm sorry, I was in my head.
I was just thinking about what you said, Bluey on stage.
(55:40):
I was thinking. The rubber.
Rubber and like put the rubber on trying to make it sexy.
Oh, there's nothing sexy with putting the condom.
Oh no, no there isn't. How can you make it?
Do you have any weird policies that you're on your tour shows
(56:01):
like? You meant about putting the
condom. I won't.
I'll do it. I will not touch it.
But I mean, do you have any? Is there anything you have to
specifically contact the venue for to say, listen, at my show,
this thing needs to happen. Is there anything under the
ordinary? Yeah, I no women.
No, no, I, I don't actually, no,I think I don't even know if
(56:29):
I've had a baby there before. But I mean, just the standard
thing of like over 8 teens in terms of like no children or
teens in the show. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. So that's standard.
And obviously if it's a baby, I think it's a totally different
kettle of fish, you know what I mean?
Because babies aren't going to. Be.
Be drinking, yeah, but no, I don't think why do you have that
(56:50):
sort of thing as well like we do?
You have certain requirements. A bottle of water on stage in a
stool. Oh sorry, I thought you met with
the audio. Just in general, yeah.
Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stolen a bottle I. Think my shoes are 16 and over.
But I have no minds are 16 and over.
But yeah, it's weird because they're they're bars.
They sell drink in the theatre. Well, suppose you can go to
theatre if you're under if you're a child.
I don't. Know you don't.
Have to drink either last drink a shot.
(57:13):
You're the libraries. Libraries.
Yep, November 1st can't wait. I went there for the first time
this week. My God.
Was that? Your first time doing average?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Last night was great, yeah.
That was awesome. Like such cool.
It's a cool vibe. And it was a great like, because
everyone's always said to me like, oh, when you go to
Belfast, Lavery's is just like the Bay's name.
(57:34):
So the vibe in there is just second to none.
And it's so true. Like, you know when you finally
go and do a club and you're like, yes.
Yeah. That was cool and like everyone
just really lovely. All the staff and stuff.
That's well loved as well. So is your family going on tour
with you to all of the places that you go or just the ones
that you have to like fly to? So Hattie is going to be with me
for all the tour. I heard babe not found me.
(57:55):
How do you know baby but my wifeand baby maybe what?
He said Toddler Downey. But what Soph and Louis will be
with me for, we haven't worked out which.
Like from a whole chunk, but notthe whole thing.
Are you doing dairy? No, I'm not doing dairy.
We had a word and we thought that was best.
Let's not have someone here thatwe don't understand.
(58:16):
You're you're owner. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's happening at the minute. Get your pink back, there's
still tickets for Dairy and Belfast, you bastards.
And do Liverpool next week. Oh yeah.
Oh. Sick hot water.
Yeah. Nice.
OK, tell them. Tell.
Them tell Liverpool tell Liverpool tell.
(58:37):
Let them know. There's you live, Thomas.
Sorry. No, you don't live in.
Liverpool. No, I live just outside London.
Half a sheet. Yeah, I like her there.
It's nice little sort of country, sort of little High
Street. You live in the countryside.
It's like it's half a cheer's weird because it's like little
(58:57):
towns and so it's like built up,but then yeah, you're driving
through fucking countryside and to get to the motorway.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, so it feels a bit tucked
away, but it's only 30 minute train to central here.
It's great. Did you happen on the motorway
here this morning? OK, full lorry.
Our cows. The cows are fine.
They're getting all the. Oh, is this different than
yesterday a cow was on the motorway?
(59:18):
A full lorry this morning with 40 cows in the back.
This is overturned on the motorway.
They're getting the cows out as we speak.
Is this? There's a one liner coming here.
I've seen it myself if. You're morning, did you drive
past it and say move? Move.
Yeah, here he is. So what?
(59:39):
Happened to him, so the. Everyone's fine.
No, Everyone's fine. No as well.
I think so at this stage they were just like the driver's
fine, the clouds are fine. The vets are here, They're
getting the clouds right. I don't know if they were like
on a on a retail to the Balmoral.
Oh my God, and if it takes them ages to like get them out and
it's night time stuff, those clouds might be freezing.
They'll be freezing and they won't be able to see.
(59:59):
Hey, what? What?
Happened there. Did I miss something?
Freezing. I know what the fuck that means.
Oh, is that what I know that? Oh, that's fans.
How do you know types of cows? I feel like.
Name Name one of. The 10.
I feel like Shannon is secretly Alexa.
Yeah. Do you know what I mean?
Before we wrap this up, because we're going to go what you might
(01:00:22):
be able to come for lunch. That was like you.
You're using the owners logic City Airport half, three or
three three. Absolutely and.
I've checked in already. You come for lunch, You never
come for lunch. Because I have to get home to my
children. John.
John Jean twice this week. You'd be mistaken for husband
and wife. Yeah.
(01:00:42):
Why? Who was that?
Delivery guy was bringing the table and chairs, like, garden
furniture at us. Yeah.
And he was like, oh, and he vaguely knew who I was.
And then he goes, you're marriedthere, comedian.
I was like, I'm not. And then?
And then somebody else said to me somebody was trying to get a
suit to Shane and it was they contacted me to get the suit to
him and I was like this is such a weird why he contact me to get
(01:01:04):
the suit to. Him anything.
But I followed instructions and I gave him information about
this person trying to get suit to him.
And it turns out like a week later they were like, oh, did
your husband get the suit? And I was like, was that from my
husband? And they were like Shane.
And I was like, no, my husband'sSean.
And they're like, no, he's not. I think the logical thing here
is Sean needs to change his name.
Name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Somebody needs to change. Links to posters and shows.
(01:01:25):
We'll put in the description. Thank you very much.
We're going to go for lunch. I think you could sell.
Come for lunch. Yeah, OK.
What do you get, huh? What are you getting?
Lunch, Clinton? Free toast?
Chicken. We're going to eat 30%, thirty,
7% energy level, but he's going to eat shit like that.
Thank you everybody.
I want to check your flight is half half three. 3.
Today 3 from city though. No.
What's the one out in the sticks?
No, I'm checking. It's from city.
It's from city. Well, you said you could come in
earlier. I was like, oh, fuck, yeah,
that'd be easy. Oh, yeah, I've got carry on.
I've. Oh, no, fuck.
Hang on. Well, I was quickly checking,
(00:21):
Yeah. Two your two your flight.
Yeah, Yeah, yeah. Is that right?
Yeah. Let me check.
It started rolling two hours. Do you know what's?
Yeah, perfect. Sorry man.
Do you know what I hate? When you are going to check in
just before a flight and you've and it says go to desk.
Nothing worse. The worst you can talk to
people. Yes, go to desk.
(00:42):
And then you're queuing up with the suitcase people, you know?
On host. You have a you look like you're
doing a press interview for a movie.
I'll take that. Us two, yeah, we just.
I'm pointing to both I'm. A male lead?
Yeah, you're the cookie Say cook, friend.
(01:07):
That's all I'll ever get in the movie.
Cookie say kick friend I. I like, Thomas, that when we
were sorting attention to this pod, I like your relaxed
attitude towards getting your flight.
I'm like that too. Can I be honest?
People freak out. I I generally I'm really
struggling so in general check in.
And thank God, please don't holda conversation.
No, no, you do, but you do. Not check.
(01:28):
Do you know how many flights I've missed?
Like I miss flights regularly, which is so against my
personality because I'm very organised and I know what's
happening. But to do but something with
flights, I'm too laid back. I think it's to do with the fact
that I never want to be early because it's a waste of my time,
right? I want to be just bang on time.
No, so this is I know probably every I will have swear.
(01:50):
F Yes, I can tell. Oh, shame.
No, we are. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, right.
I was just. Going to say.
But in like in 1950s way you saylike holy heck or whatever.
Oh fuck, Thomas. Thomas wasn't even intentional.
(02:11):
Aside from the town, no. You can you can you can say.
You would never imagine your accent in like an old 50s movie.
Do you remember? Did they make them in Australia?
Then no. They had a kind of kind of a
weird radio voice in Australia. They sounded like this.
Really. It was kind of like BBC but a
little bit Australian. Welcome to Australia.
Because where does the Australian accent?
(02:33):
Racism. Australia.
That's just what the answer would probably be.
I mean, I know all about that. I mean, where does the accent
come from? Because.
I've got a theory. Yes.
The I think it's all so we we know that it was majority was
populated from convicts, right, Yeah.
(02:53):
So I think. A lot of those.
Sorry, did you not know that? I have no interest in your
country. That's the main thing people
know about Australia. They're all criminals.
So what do you mean like they took it was like?
Well, generally not, no. I thought it was being a can't I
know you. Right as a qualified expert
they're. Planting criminals there to get
them out of other places. As a qualified expert, let me
(03:13):
take this one. OK, there was people there
chilled. No, no, no, there's people
chilling in Australia. For hundreds of thousands.
Of years despite defeat time. The longest recorded longest
there that they're the oldest civilization.
Ever is in Australia. Indigenous Australia.
OK, then he is. The English.
(03:36):
Yeah. Fuck started bringing prisoners
over and basically were like. You keep these guys.
Yeah, no, they were like, you live here now.
Yeah, because they were like, we're done with them.
You guys have them? Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Australia was time out. Yeah.
You stayed there till you learned your lesson, yes.
Yeah. And then everyone went, oh fuck.
So I think what happened, this is my theory, yeah, is they sent
(03:59):
all the Brits over who were naughty, basically people who
stole bread and stuff, you know,and bread was like.
Fuck, no way you're going there for a loaf.
Yeah, there's no way. How's that gonna be cost
effective though for them to putthem on the ship and said.
I think I thought this through. But did they need people to go
there to build? Build, right?
OK, so they're looking for any reason for you to buy?
Bread. Fuck, you're building as a City
(04:20):
Hall? Oh no.
Right, right, right. Yeah.
Already did that here. But no, basically I think it was
the Brits that were left out in the sun for too long.
I think that's where the accent came from.
Because you imagine they went out there.
Oh fucking hell, it's oh fuckinghell, fucking hell, it's hot.
And then the sun. Oh, oh fuck, oh fuck yeah.
(04:40):
It's just, it's just people fromEssex with vitamin D.
It's like melted Brits, yeah. Melted Brits.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder.
I want to test that theory. I've started giving my son
vitamin D drops in his feet. If.
You get your accent? Yeah, it might not be due with
factories with you 23 hours a day.
I didn't. Think of that.
Yeah, all of a sudden. Look, he's around you all day.
(05:03):
Daddy's going to go away for a while, but your drops are still
going to remain. We're going to test.
Zippers, This episode of the Team With Me podcast is
sponsored by none other than that prize guy.
We're talking about Ireland's largest price site.
You're going what is a price site?
Well, if you go under that priceguide.co.uk you'll see
every draw he has gone. He's doing draw stuff for like a
(05:27):
grand, 5 grand, 10 grand. Sometimes it be 50 right up to
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He's been the main 9 millionaires and that number
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(05:50):
that Price guy sponsoring charity football match that we
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It will, yes. He also sponsored.
We won 20 No. A giveaway at the SSC which
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Hope we had a great time. If you enjoy this podcast and
you would like more, you can go to patreon.com/tea with me
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(06:12):
what is that? Just just a wee bit of stuff.
It's like that price guy. It's way more than you think.
There is bonus episodes every week from the last like five
years up there. There's all the live streams
because people think with the live stream all missed it.
You can watch it all back, your favourite comics on the live
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batch of Lazy Boys episodes up there.
(06:33):
There's mysteries up there, there's going to be killed.
Toddy maybe up there or coming soon.
This point hopefully. Will hopefully be there.
You've got loads of stuff comingup.
Patreon, logo slash TV with me podcast, add free episodes.
Boom. Yeah, I I will arrive for a
flight there on the latest time.I think it's acceptable to be
(06:53):
there. Yeah, I I'm the same I that
wasn't say that's why I was asked about swearing.
I was like every count in the world has ADHD now, but
apparently it's a trade that youyou you don't you're not very
good at with with timing and youthink you've got more time than
you have Yes, and you make excuses in your head.
So I'll be like, Oh yeah, my flight's at 3 Fucking I could be
(07:15):
there. Gate shuts at half two latest If
I'm there by 20 past, I'm fucking laughing.
Do you know what I mean? That's what I'm thinking in my
head. Last time I was in London, I was
sat in a meeting at I'd say 5 say 5:00 PM.
I had a flight at like 7 leavingat 7 from say Stansted or
(07:35):
something. I was in the meeting image.
I was like your flights, what time And I was all this is a few
hours and he was like, you have time to get there and I was all
too much I think and I might geta coffee on the way.
I left the meeting, went to get an Uber to the airport and it
was like the Uber will be here three months also wait will like
loads of time and it was like the Uber will take you 96
(07:58):
minutes to get there and I was like put a 2.
It took me like 20 minutes to get to where I am now from the
airport. Why is it so long to get back
traffic, Thomas? Yeah, yeah, there.
Everyone's getting coffee. So I got into the Uber and was
like, listen, we're going to an airport.
It's not the original one that'son the thing because I can no
(08:20):
longer make that flight. What?
Do you mean? Can you keep driving till I
because right, Can you just keepdriving towards where the
airports? Are you must have sounded like a
billionaire. No, I was, but I was.
Driving until I've procured. Flying planes, driving to the
land plane for me, I was like just keep driving to it was
like, but they're all in different places.
That's. That's movie talk, Yeah.
(08:41):
Just you keep driving. Yeah, keep going.
Where? I had that like weird BBC
Australian accent. The owner kept driving until she
found an airport. Eventually she stopped for
coffee on the way. Well, I did.
When you said original airport, I thought fuck did.
How long were you in this meeting that that airport
updated and changed? Yeah, You know what I mean?
(09:03):
That the original 1 was gone. That's what my.
Brain went. No, no.
So the whole time you were talking there, I was going what
happened to the airport? No, the airport still exists.
I think it didn't break down because I must apply.
Yeah, but I get into the airportand I was like for the like,
she's not going to make it closethe gates, you know, but.
But I've got to go home to my family.
Doesn't matter. Dionna's not going to make it,
(09:24):
sorry. I get into the Internet, so like
you're going to have to drive until I book a flight here.
I'll be like 10 miles maximum. Just drive towards where we were
going to be going. And he was, he was like he was
driving. And then I something, I booked a
flight, but it changed obviouslyto the different airport.
It was like I was not going to Gatwick or whatever.
And it was like, it's still agesaway.
And he was like, I can't take you to Gatwick because this fair
(09:45):
share Stanstead was you're goingto have to book a new Uber says
all it goes. It'll probably just be me
because obviously like you're 1 metre from me right now in this
vehicle. So it'll flag up who's closest.
How? Can I not update?
I know that's silly. Silly.
So I booked a new Uber and it was another guy and I was like
what do I do with you? What I would have loved is that
(10:06):
I feel like if you're in a movie, it's a great movie.
If you're in the Uber and you book the other one and he drives
alongside. And then?
You could jump jump between windows.
This one's going to get Wick. He's not your responsibility, I
know, but I was. Like, what happens to your
family tonight? Do you eat?
Like, what's gonna happen? And he was like.
Again, billionaire talk. They bring it home.
(10:29):
I shall. Feed them.
That's how rich she is that she's worried about other Do
you, do you eat if I don't go with you?
I don't even need to go to. There will your life continue
after me. But I was like, what happens to
you, you know? And he was like, well, I've just
lost this fare, but yeah, it'll charge you like, say whatever,
like a tenner or whatever lengthof time I've driven you to.
But he was a bit like, sad. I mean, he was like, well, this
(10:52):
is obviously like he was gettingan airport fare.
He was getting an hour and a half driving.
He was like, no, I'm not whatever.
And I was like, right, can I cancel him?
Who's coming to get me now here and just pay you in cash or like
just bank transfer you like we'll do it all for the books.
And he was like, if you want, we'll just do that.
We'll do it off the books. And I thought, granted, I was
all it was originally going to be whatever the fare was.
(11:13):
I went minus the tenor that they've now taken from me.
I said, I'll just PayPal you thedifference or bank transfer you
the difference and it goes grand.
So we cancelled. The other guy kept driving
towards the airport and now banking.
That wouldn't work. I couldn't get in.
What about the other guys familythough?
Because they're not eating. Them no, I know, I know we
sorted them out afterwards. My banking app wouldn't let my
face in no makeup on or something.
(11:34):
It wouldn't let me in and like Icouldn't I couldn't get but I
didn't know why do you you wouldn't know your password ever
So I couldn't get into my banking app and I was on the
phone to Sean going you're goingto have to figure out something
from home to get this guy money.That's mine.
What you talking about? My banking app give him a
password for me. Oh, but can't can't do anything
with it. You can't do anything with it.
With just that information, no, no, that's a good birthday,
(11:56):
isn't? It Do you know what I realised
today? My pen cools.
Awful what? It left for you.
Your pen goes what? What would?
You say brass size is 34D whatever.
Why is that your number? Because that they they gave me.
And you kept it. Yeah, you're changing your pin,
(12:16):
you psycho. Yeah, but it's always changed
the same one. There's something about like,
people can really put money intoyour account anyway if they have
that detail. Well, this is the thing I don't
like, so I couldn't give a shit about throwing a package into my
bin that has my full name and address on it.
Yeah, Yeah, right. Sean's like, oh, my God, that
has to go in the shredder. What are you doing?
They're going to know where you live.
I'm all. They're in my fucking driveway.
(12:36):
Yeah, they're gonna. They've stolen that from my bin.
They're standing outside my house with the address on the
door. Yes.
What is this going to do? They're not going to open.
I could start a whole new familyin my name with this.
I don't understand that the whole idea of.
Like maybe that original Uber driver is just going along
again. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You come up to your house, it'll
be in there. Sorry.
Yeah. Yeah, Oh, we took a chance on
(12:58):
this accent. There.
Was one. We had many options and we knew.
Knock on me. We went for Uber driver.
Chill. What about your Uber drivers?
I'll say this, Belfast. Everybody.
There's two of them, so go ahead.
(13:20):
Well, yeah, that one. They take fucking ages to get to
you. I think literally, I think
there's a couple of guys who there's.
Not. That's not a big thing here.
We're not. Doing it was not a big thing.
OK, We're not ready for that yet.
Well, we just had Die Hard come out in the cinemas.
All of them are. Thanks for having a bit of a
delay here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just my flesh. I'm from Australia.
My. Fuck, you've got Die Hard, yeah.
(13:42):
Yeah, the. Oh, because you have to watch it
upset down. Yeah.
Oh, not in reverse. Yeah, it's upside down and
reverse. Then we're like, oh, Bruce
Willis was the terrorist I. Didn't watch it?
Oh no. I've never seen.
It. Oh really?
Never seen it. Don't want to every Christmas?
No. I don't care to watch it.
(14:02):
But yeah, do you know? I don't care to watch it.
I don't care for things like that.
Out of respect for Bruce, what'snot well want to remember how he
is now? But you're only the best
government you do is watch his body of work.
Yeah. You're out of respect for Bruce.
You're not like he'll get royalties if you watch it.
Well, not if I pay rent. Maybe get the bond, sort of.
(14:24):
It I'm going to respect him by never watching his work yeah
yeah yeah just forgetting him completely I'll watch it on
video he's forgotten you yes that's.
Sad. What are you going to say about
the Uber? Drivers.
Oh yeah, like they're all fucking in Mercedes and, and all
these fucking crazy and also, well, what the fuck do?
You know the crack of that. Well, I realised I was booking
(14:46):
Uber luxury. Oh.
But also an extra. So you're into Uber drivers in
America, they rent a lot of themrent the car.
So that's not their actual car. They rent the car to do Uber.
What? Yep, surely that's not very
financially savvy. Must be.
It's yours, You. Need to be Uber in all day.
Probably. And can we talk about Andy
(15:08):
Ryan's hair? No.
Are you going to talk about AndyRyan's hair?
I feel we have to because. He does look like a cab driver.
Thomas was coming up the stairs and I said to Andrew, who was
working in the office there, I said, do you know Thomas?
And he said, oh, yeah, yeah. And Thomas came up the stairs.
I had to stop him and say, I just got to warn you.
Andrew's had a perm down and I think you thought I was joking
(15:31):
but then you realised he has hada perm done.
But I think is Andrew done experimented in the run up days
wedding because he wants a perm for his wedding.
He doesn't want to do too close to the wedding because then he's
stuck with a perm, so he's doingit now so he can let it go away.
He looks like a Jewish hip hop producer.
It looks like Justin Timberlake.No.
It's no the start without. No, he looks like Justin
Timberlake at the end. He's out of sync.
(16:01):
Oh my God, if you told him he looked like Justin Timberlake,
he will come down from that ledge he's on because he's been
getting some. He was reading us some comments
he's been getting. He's like, oh, people are like,
you do you and stuff and then some people.
Are like all of those people give me abusive, hateful
comments. I'm going to do me with my
lovely hair. And I was like, why are you so
serious about this? And also he's being abusive.
(16:25):
Oh no, he is getting abusive. What I.
Mean I think one person's level of abuse is different than
somebody else. Nah, he read.
That's one of those. Just make someone feel bad for
looking like a Pot Noodle. You can't.
Yeah, he's, he's made that call.I do think it's risky to do that
because like, what if he has that hair and he gets given some
terrible news like. To be serious with that hair.
(16:52):
It was like a Halloween wig though, doesn't it?
You know, when people have the curly hair?
Yeah, it's for like. The first few photographs they
put up by as well. That's an AI generated
photograph, obviously. And then I seen the AI generated
photograph that arm Butler put up and I was like, what fucking
about it is his real hair? But you wonder like, do you
know, like do you like if you look go like googy and someone
smacks your face, you'll fuck itmight stick.
(17:12):
Yeah. What if it sticks?
Who smacks your face? You're mad or somebody do you
like when you go? Googy, googy.
What is? Good.
Never a Daffris Googie. Yeah, yeah, like.
Googly, googly eyed. Googly eyed No.
Googie, we don't say googly. Googly, no good.
Well, cross eyed. If you go cross eyed, there's
got out there, they'll change orsomething.
Smack. See, when you go cross eyed, you
(17:33):
really go cross eyed. Yeah, yeah.
Thanks. Dude, wow.
Oh my God. Is that a lot?
Yeah. Do it.
Again. Oh yeah, OK.
No, you're just going down. That is the way the guy looks
who reads the news of the BBC history lesson.
Fucking hot out there, very hot out here.
(17:54):
Avenues. Andrew Ryan's had a pen.
See if I, if I do cross ice, yeah, no, someone in the
comments is going to write the time stamp and go when's he
going to do cross ice when I'm doing, because they'll be
inferring that my eyes are already crossed, right.
So I'm just getting ahead of that.
Why would somebody? Because people say I have like a
like 2 lazy eyes or cross eyed and all this kind of stuff and I
don't. Yes.
(18:14):
Someone said it about like me recently, like I had a lazy eye
and I first go in the eye and I thought.
I touch me doing it. Is that good?
No. Do you know what you're doing
right now? I'm Butler, Sammy and Naughty
Shore. Oh yeah, like.
You just look at all. I know, I know.
If you can't do it, you tilt your head.
This I say. Nope.
So I can't do it. No, you know, look like your
(18:36):
character. The wee guy.
The wee guy. The wee guy, Yes.
Did you do the wee guy? Is it?
Is it? Is there a reason you're saying
it over and over? Because I'm confused.
Oh yes. Who's he?
Are we gay? William Thompson Pizza Mom,
Marty, I'm. Talking about a character,
(19:13):
that's so. Cool.
Do you know it's so disrespectful?
I am I broke my hand. And I posted in the Comedians
What's Up group about it that I'd broken my hand.
And someone wrote, So that day that I broke my hand, I was
playing in a football match and William was dying to watch the
game. And I had a photo after the game
of me and William. And I said like, there was real
(19:34):
swelling on my hand. And I think it might have been
Johnny Bo. Someone cropped in on William's
hand and wrote You've broken your wanking hand, Williams,
Right hand. Fucking hell.
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Do you feel like Andrew Ryan's head?
Some Thunder out of you breakingyour hand, Jimmy.
Big news. Week yeah you think like he did
it in response like he just panicked and was like I need to
do something yeah he's I. Need to get my head done.
Get the perm done. Yeah, apparently perms not good
(21:24):
for your hairline. As a guy that's.
What? I'm me.
I got a pair. I'm not a guy.
I know, I know. By the way, you've never seen
more like a guy when you went I'm not a guy I've never thought
you might have. Pose of my balls I might have.
I never thought you were. I now think you might be a guy.
It's. Just because you said if you're
(21:45):
a guy it affects your hairline and I have a really high
hairline and I went, oh, that's about me.
So I was just wondering to you saying the guy's hairlines get
affected by perms, which can't be true, right?
It can be because apparently youyou twist all the hair.
Isn't that what the perm is likeyou Oh.
Fuck it, you twist it out a bit or something.
But it like pulls it by the root.
(22:06):
Oh shit, you know it was a you got.
A headache for having a permanent that sounds fucking
sore. I don't.
Know what happened to you? You got a perm once and that's
why. You're headed.
I got a perm when I was when I was 12 years old.
Ridiculous thing to have on a child, really big like Irish
dancing style perm. And I was delayed it with myself
when I went down to school in the first, I got like like a
couple days before we were starting back into school and it
(22:26):
was second year and I was delayed it with my perm and I
wanted to go in and obviously show it off and all.
And I went down in the first dayof school and I went over to the
office to go where's my new classroom?
Because you get a new classroom starting every year.
And she was like, what do you mean your new classroom?
Do you just mean your classroom?And I was like, no, I'm a
different one from last year. And she was like, are you your
first year or second year? And I thought, I'm a second
year. She was using start next week
and I had to sit in the IT took two hours for my mum to come get
(22:49):
me because we lived to the country and took her to drive
home, get a phone call or fucking landline because there
was no mobiles back then. And then she to come back and
get me and I sat like a just bigpair of my duck head and the
foyer of the school with my big hair that no one cared about.
But. What so do you so that pulled
your hair back? No, no, no.
(23:09):
You said that's where your forehead.
No, that was a joke, all right. Obviously not.
Fucking hell, clearly not. I just thought you studied
really, really hard at school and then it had an effect.
On my size of my head. Yeah, Thank you.
Very smart. Thanks very much.
Yeah, yeah. Because when he sent me the
perm, I was in the garden so my phone was really bright, so I
(23:32):
didn't really properly look at it, but I was trying to be nice
and replied and was that actually looks great.
But then when I saw it in the light, I realised.
But I don't think it looks great.
I think it's one of those thingswhere like if you have a
conference to do it. But it's just it's anything you
do a dramatic change. I was all what the hell?
And then we'll look back in the day and go, do you remember what
Andrew Vine didn't have a perm? Yes, that's what we'll say.
(23:55):
Yes. Oh, you think he's going to keep
it now? Well, I think he's got no
choice. It's it's deep.
It's deep in the Reds. It's like we'll look back to me
and go Matt and remember what Women couldn't vote and Andrew
doesn't have a pair. Hold on, hold on.
Women can vote. Only on The X Factor and stuff.
(24:15):
Only on fun stuff. They can't in Australia though.
Huh. What?
Women can't vote. Yeah, no, they're allowed.
To do it. Drive.
Can I tell you something? I I love Australia.
You do? Yeah.
One of the best places ever beenreally.
Twice for stand up and I, Absolutely.
(24:36):
Love it, I was. Surprised.
People do shit on it as a joke. Yeah, I must have turned off
everything in my algorithm to dowith Australia because I'm
unaware of people. That's the thing with Australian
stuff, an algorithm, if you throw it away, it comes back.
Good. Yeah, No, I feel like do you
know that a lot of things Australia can kill you and stuff
like that you're not really aware do?
(24:56):
You mean like animals? Yeah, of course.
All right, I didn't know how badyour algorithm was.
Yeah, I. Wouldn't make the algorithm to
let me know bears. Exist, yeah, but yeah, but.
We don't have bears or alligators.
We have crocodiles. That's the.
Same thing. I mean, I watch a lot of Steve
Irwin. I still thought you had
crocodiles and alligators, but the bears thing that is.
There's going to be bears. Oh, I'd say if you go to the
(25:18):
right places, there's bears in Australia.
There's no bears. There's all the zoo.
There's a bear. There's a bear.
What do you mean there's one? Hello.
It's called Play, Fiona. Don't tell anyone I'm here.
I don't know. What this accent is either it's.
Welsh, I come over in the booth.From wheels I am, yeah.
(25:39):
But Steve Irwin was keeping a little.
I feel like the things that could, like, hurt you.
What do you mean how many things?
Yeah, I feel like people were less likely killed by dangerous
animals in Australia when Steve Irwin was still around.
Because he was making them out to be cute.
No, because he was. He was.
He was just like, do you? Know what I mean?
(26:02):
Well, amongst other animals. You need to apologise.
You went for the final kill. Fucking.
That's his. Final boss.
It was. Either that or nations father.
I couldn't think of. Anything right uses Bob like.
Next, should we have to go with Anthony from The Wiggles?
Some people in Australia don't juggle.
But no, I just mean like, these are Australian people, you can't
(26:24):
juggle. But no, he's not there.
Wake up, Jeff. Yeah, all those guys.
Do you know the Wiggles, then the biggie?
Oh. We love the Wiggles.
My kids love the Wiggles. Shut up.
Yeah, I'll. Tell you why that were
international? Shawn's kids.
Shawn's eldest child is 21. Yeah, some people call him a
man. Not in our house, but he.
He watched The Wiggles when he was a wee child.
And are we babies watching? Yeah.
So it's like. My kids love the Wiggles.
(26:46):
My oldest son, Youngest son. No time for the Wiggles.
It was the TV show I've never seen before that my sons just
started watching Balamory. Oh, yeah.
What's the story? Yeah.
Yeah. I never knew what that was.
It's fucking great. Yeah.
I've never been into that. No, not in that.
But the purple I used to watch it, the new purple.
Toxins. Absolute.
He's erotic. Who's?
Oh OK, with the earring. The guy who not not lucky.
(27:08):
Not lucky, he's knackered. And new wiggles, I tell you
what, the new wiggles, there wasa wee.
There was a wee period where Lucky could have had a few
months off. Lucky had twins, he twin babies.
But he broke up with Emma and every.
He broke up with Emma. He got divorced.
He found they're all ancestral, by the way.
They're all each other. I'm funny.
It's going to be the the dinosaur or something.
All guys book in the Unicorn. Cast orgies.
(27:30):
Yummy, yummy. Yeah, they are all going each
other now. Fucking hell.
Simon is married to the dancer. Yep, and and.
The dancer? What dancer?
One of the one of the dancers init sometimes.
There's dancers in the Wiggles, is what I mean.
Yeah. Right, The Wiggles is a far
bigger ensemble now. Like.
You definitely know more about the wings.
To me, yeah. Well, there's there's two of
(27:51):
each colour now and the new guy who plays the purple wiggle.
They're multiplying. They're multiplying.
So they are fucking. Why don't you mean racially?
Yeah, be nice. The purple wiggle guy.
Who's the new wiggle guy? Yeah, he's a guy.
Yeah, Tank. I've seen he's in his 20s.
(28:11):
There's a girlfriend. He dances through his crotch.
That's how he delivers his dance.
They're all like this here. And he does.
Oh, it's. For the moms, it's.
For the moms, it's. For the yeah.
Definitely for the moms. Wheels is great, yeah, but I
just mean Steve Irwin was probably like protecting the
Australian people because he he was the goal between between
like the wildlife. Oh yeah and the people.
(28:31):
So he's like relaxed guys, relaxed to the snakes and all
that kind of thing. But once Steve gone open season
like. Oh yeah, he would just.
Get stupid. Because it kind of was like he
like, yeah, it's so true. Because I feel like what
probably what happened was all the animals probably like, we
need to fucking get this guy. Do you know what I mean?
That's the old guy, like was Steve.
(28:52):
And so we were all safe. Yeah, you know what I mean.
You want do you think the animals wanted to get Steve?
Well, he's the only guy who can interpret them.
Yeah. He's doctor.
But run, Robert. Now he's trying to be like a sex
guy. Oh.
Bro he's. Doing like Calvin Klatt, you
seen this? But like, he's trying to be a
sex guy. Yeah.
(29:12):
What does that mean? Trying not to be a virgin so
hard? Yeah.
Look him up. He's like, he's basic, Yeah.
He's like doing like, underwear pictures and everything, though.
And he's like, I'm a sexy guy. He's rebranded.
All the people like and all the comments like.
Oh, Robert. Yeah, is this, are they all 90
year old woman Megan Jam? Oh my.
God, Robert. Is this his son?
(29:35):
Yeah. OK.
Yeah, he's doing sexy guy stuff.Do you know who also was doing
sexy guy stuff? Jade Goody and Jeff's son.
Right. Who are they?
Jade Goody was a famous relativeTV star here and Jeff is ATV
presenter but they'd. Be very OK, sorry.
She has since passed away, but they have two sons together and
(29:56):
their Their sons are like, attractive guys, but the world
knows them as kids. Yeah.
And all of a sudden they're like20 and sexy and like.
This is what's happening with Robert Irwin because everyone
saw him grow. Up you're not allowed to be an
adult now and. Then he's like, hang on, what
the fuck? What you need to do is Miley
Cyrus Hannah Montana thing you need to be Hannah Montana for
age child go away almost. He's Rob now.
(30:19):
He's like, look at this snake, you know, let me tell you what
this get this. This Python?
Yeah. Got a hell of a bot.
Can I tell you something you actually look like?
You look a bit like Jade Goody. Just your facial, did you?
Say, Jane. Goody goody.
Oh, it's Jade. Yeah, you actually do look a bit
like a woman. Yeah, you guys tell me I have
pretty good skin. Yeah, it actually looks a bit
(30:41):
more like Jade Goody's husband. Do you look like both of them?
You. Look like both of them.
Oh fuck. Are you telling me so you look?
At your kids. Is this my real family?
Yeah. Yes, finally.
Oh my God. Yeah, they're not Scottish.
Because, you know, I don't know my parents.
Yes. Yeah, your, but your family's
from Scotland. Yeah.
I do know my parents, but yes, mom's from Glasgow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was sent.
She wasn't sent over. So did it.
(31:05):
Why did they move to Australia? So her parents were so proper
Glasgow, and then they were like, you know, the 50s.
Is that promise of a new life inAustralia, son?
They were like, we're sending this bear on a boat.
If you want to get in the boat with the bear, it's up to you.
It's called panning. See, when I when I talk to
(31:26):
Australia, I totally get why young people, especially like in
Ireland, move over there. Yeah, yeah, it's amazing.
It's. Not very expensive, no.
The rent in Sydney and Melbourneand stuff would be very dear.
Oh, Sydney's fucked. Hi, it's London.
It's so expensive. Yeah.
Bought from Adelaide, which is not as dear.
Yeah, being that like because they my mom's size or Glasgow
(31:50):
and then her mom originally their family was from Sligo and
they all moved to Glasgow duringthe famine.
They will only go to old. Yeah, Sligo, Glasgow, Moscow.
Yale. Ohio.
That's why we're Ozio's. It was that old, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Because what, you hated it when?
(32:11):
What is it when you abbreviated everything?
Yeah, all the time. Yeah, the briefs.
The briefs. Oslo.
Oslo, yeah. Wow, that was like a glitch in
the matrix there. Moscow.
It took way too long. Moscow.
I said that. Oh, did you?
Yeah. Oh, there's my glitch.
Yeah, here. When's the last time you went
back to Australia? Say again, when's the last time
(32:31):
you went back to Australia? Last year in February.
Did they appreciate it? Like did they?
Yeah, at the customs I'm like, oh, fucking welcome back, cunt.
He's back. We've missed you.
And I was like that. Give her having me back.
What age did you leave Australia?
Say again. What age did you leave
Australia? 28.
Were you just sound up over there?
Yes, but like I just sort of started and then it was weird
(32:56):
because I wasn't getting hit to stage time because Adelaide was
so small. So it would be like, and there
was too many people, people wereleaving Adelaide because they
wanted stage time and stuff. And so I just started booking
my, I did it kind of reverse. Instead of like building up from
5 to 10 to 20 all that. I just booked myself in at the
Fringe Festival in Adelaide for an hour for a two week run.
Just went, oh, on stage time. I'm going to do stand up and
(33:17):
just went on stage, did an hour.Jesus.
Christ. And sort of just forced myself,
yeah. So then in 2015 I moved over and
I wasn't doing any stand up like.
Where did you move first? Say again.
Where did you move first? London, right?
Yeah. And then, yeah, I didn't do
stand up till 2016 in London or in the UK.
(33:38):
And then, yeah, but it was. Yeah.
I come over and I was like, Oh yeah, yeah, I've been doing all
this stuff and Adelaide like, you know, like it was feel like
great. And then I got a fucking rude
awakening and they're like levelof talent in the UK was crazy,
right? And also I didn't have what I
had done. The clubs never done a club, I'd
just done a fringe. Oh, right.
OK. Do you?
(33:58):
Know what I mean? It's totally different.
Oh, so your first gig was an hour long?
Yeah, not, not my first ever gig.
First ever gig was a a competition.
I just went on this whole story.The X Factor, all the women were
like, yes, the way you lad with the hair straight.
Like she's Speaking of the hair.I want to.
I'll get back to standard, but have you only grown your hair
(34:19):
long recently? Yeah, I'm grown out.
I'm thinking of, I always say this, right.
I would love to do it. Ishan Akbar was in here a while
ago. Oh, yeah.
And Ishan says your hair, he goes, you have good hair, but he
goes, when Are you ready to become a man with your hair?
What? I was like, that's weird.
What do you mean? And he's like, he's like, we're
ready for the next phase of she and Todd.
(34:41):
He's like, we need to see the hair.
He he he wants me doing that. Like you know you could have.
Just to go short side. I.
I think you have to have hair atthe site.
I think if you just do the top it's very, very slutty looking.
Slutty. Slutty.
Why on a man? Just the top, no sides.
I'd imagine you're called Mario,right?
(35:03):
And you like to fuck right? Scared.
To me, that's not a bad Rep. But here's the issue.
Right Here's the issue. Princess Peach.
Da da da da da da It's. Like no, the rings.
Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding. I wish I read more about Mario.
(35:26):
Just rings and hips and a Princess.
You don't know Mario. I know.
But I don't know. What Princess Paige is going to
get it at this level? See, when you see when you said
you don't know Mario, it sound it seemed like a trailer for a
mad movie, but there's like a crazy Australian guy in it.
You don't know Mario. Oh yeah.
And then and then it's just wife.
(35:47):
That was pretty good accent. My kids love Mario and anytime
I'm trying to get like Alexa to play like Mario thing shouldn't
Spotify the Mario songs baby, you should.
Let me love. Straight away it's like that guy
that guy is, but he's singing Mario.
I thought that would get more oflike a nice because I feel like
I kneeled up. You did.
You did. Now look.
But in my head I was like, I wasstill in the video game Mario,
(36:11):
and I heard you sing that. And I was like, I don't remember
playing that level. But I Mario was an arm was an
R&B singer, cute guy, but he he did a reverse what I'm thinking.
He had that he had the braids. And then at the start of the
video for Let Me Love You, he debuts a skillet.
So if you grow your hair out, would you keep the same colour
(36:33):
or would you add a few highlights?
Low lights. No, I can't do highlights.
You just in the colour. But here's.
Oh, I know. I think we know.
Yeah, I said that passionately. I was like, I wouldn't do
highlights, realised you might have them and then I'd sort of
trailed off. But we we know, yeah.
Here's what I want to do, right I I always go, I'm going to grow
(36:53):
my hair out, but then I can't handle the in between.
But see when we bits of hair goes over the top of my ears.
Yeah, I can't do that. See, it's my head in now around
here. Because that would look like I
just had a strip of shaved her and it would be weird.
But you're not think if I had a low feet I can keep shaving here
and then it would be like it would still be.
(37:16):
Do we should do trial a wig? Like Andrew?
No, he's got his real hair. No, I can't.
Try a wig Get a wig off Amazon. Find the Find the hairstyle
your. AI AI we did.
But AI isn't going to be walkingaround here yet.
Do you? Do you pod with the wig?
No, Get some feedback. I think it would look good.
(37:39):
I had long hair for a couple of months when I was about. 17 now
So here's the thing, I think when you grow it to the length,
people accept that that's your hair.
Now if Shane went from that really tidy haircut to some
fucking and wigs aren't ever going to look like how it would
look. No, they're always fucked.
So you'd fucked long hair. Yes.
(37:59):
People are like, what's this guydoing?
But also, do you not think your hairstyle is very representative
of your personality type and your style?
Like your cookie and zany? We love you, Fat Thomas.
Start of an intervention. Mario who's fucking but.
You know, you're like, you know.Yeah, Yeah, that's very true.
(38:23):
And this hair, so it's that chains very clean cut.
I mean when I was. She's a guys well behaved, Yes,
that's what the hair strength says.
You are very well behaved, aren't you He?
Looks like a guy who plays football.
Does well, it's wearing. Hands.
But then if I have long, if I have long hair, I'll look like a
like a Spanish guy plays football or.
Something I would say Argentinian.
(38:43):
I wouldn't. Yeah.
Yeah. Polish.
No, OK. But yeah.
Like like it's close down the leaving or something.
I don't know. I'd like to do it.
Yeah, I would like to do it, butI don't think I'm prepared for
the in between but. It's the in between, but it's
hard and anything really seeing through.
Yeah, but we did you have shittyin between but.
Yeah, you. Still live in that night I'm
(39:04):
still in. It still in it babes?
No. So what I did is I started
growing out a mullet and I had alike a burst fade.
So I had the shaved round there and I was growing the mullet out
and then the hair and then I wasgoing to grow it out and I had
the wedding. So we like went no, let's keep
it neat, neat mullet and then start this year I started just
growing it all out. Yeah.
(39:26):
So how long do you think it takes for me to get that length?
How fast your hair normally go? Fast is it?
Oh, I think I don't know. Not to show off it's.
Hard. Maybe.
Maybe like a year. Eight months?
That's way too long like. But people grow humans in that
length of time. Yeah, they come early.
That's true. Fall humans, you can grow.
Humans. If I can do that man, you can
(39:48):
grow your hair. But you know what I think as
well? Everything at the time seems
like a really long time, but in hindsight it's 2 seconds.
I do know what you mean. Once it's completed you're like
fuck that wasn't that long. But when it's happening, it's
like. Like when you get sick and you
go I'm never feeling normal again.
Yeah, and then a day. Later you can't remember.
(40:08):
I'm the worst for that. I'm like I remember I.
You seem like you get colds a lot.
Do you get colds a lot? Since having a baby, yeah, yeah,
I've get colds. Yeah.
And oh, actually, because you can.
I used to be a tear. I see.
Like I get colds like what the fuck?
(40:29):
Like Mario and you don't have a very good immunity.
I could see you with a Red Nose.I think just probably because if
you live in Australia for a longtime, it's way colder anywhere
else. No.
So I generally, that's the thing.
When I moved here, I got colds way more.
I got hay fever for the first time.
What did I just say? I see you getting colds a lot.
(40:50):
Yeah, I was bang on. Yeah, you were.
You smashed it. I'm just I want to know why you
said that. I don't get sick ever but I 24/7
don't feel well. Do you know, do you know what I
mean? Yeah.
No, I mean all day, every day. I'm not well, but I never get
sick enough or I have to stop the things that I'm doing.
I'm never bedridden, I'm never throwing up.
(41:11):
I'm never like I'll or she had to take three days out because
she's not well, but I am at all times not.
I'm like, I'm like 40% health. I could see you taking pain I'd.
Rather than have a cold. I don't, no.
Yeah, I. Mean I'd rather I don't have a
cold one. 40% I know, check my bag.
It's just I play your bluff and it's just full of painkillers.
(41:32):
Next thing, yeah, I sell them from my bag.
I know I would. No, I'm just like I always am.
Like what should I be doing? Like what do you feel right now?
Why you're 40% right now? Always tired, I get enough
sleep. What just percent do you?
3037 to 40 have. You ever been 100, so how can
you say when you've got 36? I would say, oh, my age is 36.
(41:55):
Is that what you meant? A.
Percentage wise, maybe you're not.
Always less than 50, always the only time I feel well, do you
know whenever you like, you go do a gag and afterwards you're
like, oh, all the shittiness I felt today, actually feel
completely fine now. Like there were times when I was
pregnant that I would be like, and I would go on stage and I'd
be like, I'm not even sick, you know, But then half an hour
after you come off stage, they. Yeah, Doctor.
Comedy comes in. Doctor.
(42:15):
Comedy like that is like medicine.
But the rest of the day, yeah. I'll I presented you right now.
Say again, what? Percent did you right now?
Am I right now? Yeah, I'm 83.
Look. You're 83, I would say I I'm
about 71. I've got a little cold 7271.
I'd say I'm I'm at a good. No.
(42:36):
Solid B. He doesn't need gluten or dairy,
which I think is a massive help to make you feel better.
Yeah. Do you have gluten?
Why are? You saying that like you've such
a problem with it though. No, I, I would love to do that,
but I find that impossible. You, you have to do that.
So that's great that you've got that issue that.
Why do you begrudge me? It's too bad, no?
Like you've got the. You've no choice.
(42:57):
Yeah. Do you know what I?
Mean. Yeah.
You can't help who you are, Shane.
Yeah, I've got what I mean to you.
In order to feel better, I need Crohn's, right?
I need something to go. You can't have that.
Discount code I can I can get you that if you want.
You. Want to get Crohn's disease?
You look like a guy who drinks plenty of water, right?
Do you know what I mean? Is that what you've got?
Crohn's disease, Yeah, Rather, Yeah, Yeah.
(43:19):
That sounds pretty serious, yeah.
Yeah, you're what? It isn't Panther.
No, it's look, I'm very like, like if you like.
When they told me I had it, I was like, all right, you know?
Yeah. What can you do like?
It's like I said, you can. You can have crowns and a good
(43:41):
head of hair, Yeah. Or not, crowns and bald.
And but what would you go? For here we are.
Well, look at my hair. You see the Crohn's disease or
Crowns disease, Which one are you going for?
And they did give him that choice.
No, I'm, I'm a big like, what can you do guy?
Yeah. And that's not like a defeatist
thing. It's like, well, look.
I'm not so fucking embrace it. What kind of changes?
What's wrong with you? Established you are a guy have.
(44:01):
You got any like? I'm not.
How can mean I've got non directed thyroid?
Yeah, well that's the thing you've got under active thy.
Wise. For a second I thought you said
a radioactive thyroid and I was like fuck me.
What is this thyroid thing I hear people talking?
About yes, I thought, what do you think your thyroid is?
It's it's in your. Fuck up, Promise you're going.
(44:24):
I'm going, all right. Is it?
No, that's what I thought. It's your.
Thought, oh, he was right. Yeah, because I thought exactly
that. Was because my parents are
nurses so I know shit. They're both nurses, yeah.
No, Daddy just pretends.
(44:59):
Contractive Thyroid. Yeah.
What does that mean? What does that do it?
Slows everything down in your body.
So is your metabolism down? Oh, so you'd never beat 100
anyway? You're fat.
No, but I only discovered I had it about four.
Australian doctor, bedside man looking at your chart.
Yeah, your granny's fucked here.Yeah, yeah.
She came over to make the bed and.
(45:20):
This is your metabolism just makes everything in your body
slower. Your energy levels are low,
you're cold. You're.
So you could never have won sports Day.
Even at 100% with with full cracking thyroids I would never
want anything on sports day. Yeah, because you were slower.
Yeah. But you talk.
Outside of the classroom, not inthe classroom.
(45:41):
Oh, you do talk fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Case in point.
I've got stuff to say, but that.Was six years.
Six years what? No, that was 6.
Years. Oh, you said.
(46:01):
I thought you, I said. That was six years.
It's been 6 years I've been cheated from my own.
Job. What do they do for?
It just give you a wee tablet I take every morning.
Oh, that's easy. Yeah.
Oh. Fuck, see, I have that.
What? Are you?
Complaining about. I do get fatigue like from my
(46:23):
condition but I just. Have you ever had COVID?
Yeah, you have long COVID because I think I've got long
COVID. No, but I mean Crohn's.
So if you had a FIFA card, you you fatigue would be your speed
would be up there. But if fatigue's.
Fatigue I'd be fatigue like but I just I get on with like do.
They pick so when they have, when you have football cards, do
they write down on the shit things they have?
Not medically, but they'd be alllike crap is their football.
(46:45):
No, but like in the game you canselect if people fatigue or not,
can't you? Yeah.
But like but it means like how tired the player is during the
game. It doesn't mean like he's to be.
You think the game lists negative personality traits of?
Players, of course they're not. It's a game.
They're not real. Yeah, but they're not getting.
Tired. Oh yeah, he scores the Dortmund.
(47:07):
They score in real life. Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm trying to say. Oh.
I'm going. Why can't you go?
Oh my, we my we man. And the game's tired.
He's not real. Thomas, you got a Belfast tour
show coming up. It's like that episode of Black
Mirage. Are you guys playing?
The I don't watch it the thing. I've never watched Black Mirror.
(47:29):
Too much, I don't think. Yeah, yes, yes.
I don't like thinking. I think it's.
Welcome to my world. Yeah, I just want to.
Watch something I want to zone out on.
Yep. I'm watching Mobland at the
minute. I don't even know if that Gary
Ritchie. No, they're Tom Hardy.
Tom Hardy? Helen Mirren.
Oh, maybe Helen Mirren. Helen's sexy.
(47:51):
I meant Tom Hardy. Now like like do you like
animation? No.
What you. Mean exact animation.
No, no. You mean like oh.
Switching off with the fucking Disney film.
Oh, the only thing, the only reason I wouldn't be watching
that is just like being an adult.
Right. Yeah.
No. It's not nonsense.
(48:12):
No, I I don't know, like what? Huh.
Like what? What kind of stuff?
Like bluey. Bluey.
Louise Cracker. Bluey is fucking great though.
Bluey's a fucking. Watch last night we were gigging
together and Willie T was there as well and we were tossing up a
seat between William and Thompson and I had to go on
stage and I when I was like, do you have a coin in your bag?
And I was like, I only carry notes.
(48:32):
And so I got a. Flatter.
Down. But I had a Why didn't you sort
that Uber driver I had? A bluey rubber.
What? What the fuck?
Yeah, it was a eraser. A rubber eraser.
(48:55):
Yes, it don't say I wouldn't sayrubber.
I got a bluey rubber, yeah. It definitely would make the
vibe weird if it's like cartoon condoms.
Yeah. Yeah, that.
Fun stick on these Teletubby, OH.
Lightning McQueen. Yeah.
Fucking hell I. Think that's kind of OK.
A lot of McQueen rubber, Yeah, more so than like a teller with
a big with a lightning down the shaft.
(49:15):
Yeah, more than a Teletubby. Like, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, telly tub would be weird, yeah.
Yeah, you are under sexy animation.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no no. Teletub is animated.
No, it's not. That is true.
You know, you're talking about the more FAQ on each other.
The people look, no, the wiggle was inside yes.
Was that was the telly type we seen on that, the actors and
(49:36):
stuff. We chatted about that on all
clip and it started to get a bitlibellous.
I think the. Purple 1 maybe?
Had some issues. There was issues.
OK. OK, but the, the the Wiggles are
doing it I think because they'reon the road for like 10 months
out of the year and that's the it's either their audiences
aren't their children so gotta fuck each other.
(49:57):
Right. OK, just to be fair.
Talk about all clips. Can we ask Thomas?
He's from Adelaide, Yeah. Does he know about the
Germantown? Does that exist?
Yes. There's a whole town in
Adelaide. The handoff of people.
After the Second World War, a lot of Germans moved over to
Australia. Yeah.
(50:18):
And in Adelaide there's a Germantown.
Have you been? Yeah.
Really. Do they speak with a German
Aussie accent? No, it's weird because it's like
from World War 2. So I'm Blondie.
Blue eyes. They love me, Yeah.
I would have been on posters in Germany for sure.
(50:40):
Holding a gun, yeah. I look like an old Aryan Boy
Scout. Yeah, yeah.
Actually, that's wild. Oh my God.
Yeah. Hello Xiaomi.
Exactly. Yeah, oh mate, yeah, now there
(51:05):
is a hand off. It's and not just hand off
because there's also. A lot of little.
German settlements in the country, around Adelaide in the
wine region and stuff, but hand offs massive.
You go there, get Cransky and all that.
Like you go and have traditionalGerman but beers and.
And is it like you know and so? Don't have an accent?
Don't have an accent. Okay, sorry, what?
(51:26):
You say you can get those in Belfast at Christmas is what I'm
saying? I mean, I'd call it Oktoberfest,
but. That's not Christmas, that's in
October. Is it?
I don't know, is it not? You're a guy, like, I gotta say,
like Australia and Derry are twolike big accents.
(51:47):
Yeah, I could see like ABBC 3 show where you guys are just
like exploring each other's accent, you know?
It's so dirty. Now I think people are like, if
you guys can have a conversation, anyone can have a
conversation. Yeah, there was actually a clip
of that where we're talking about that ITV thing that we did
together. And I was asking you, you think
was I going to you, can you tellthe difference between my accent
(52:07):
and somebody say here from Belfast?
And everyone was like, I think everyone can tell the difference
between your Derry accent and any other accent here.
I mean, I just thought you were like here, like Belfast, but
just like a bit more do you knowwhat I mean?
Like a bit more like if you're abit more Aussie, yeah, I'll
sound people could be a bit morefucking, yeah.
(52:28):
We thought it was just more of the accent.
Yes, that they have. I just thought you had a bit
more of a like your thyroid might have been slow in some
areas. I had too much sun, too much
sun. Yes.
Yeah. No, you've got a very strong
accent. Thank you.
Yeah, well, what? You're on tour at the minute,
(52:48):
yeah, but you're when's your tour?
Tour. My tour starts September.
Do you know brings babies to hertour?
Yep. Do you Yeah, there's been babies
in my tour. I have a babes in Arms policy.
So if you have a newborn baby and you don't want to part with
it for whatever reasons to you can bring it to my show.
I've had babies in the show and a newborn baby in my first show
didn't even know it was there until the end and then at a 5
(53:10):
month old in my show the other day.
To people which we sorry, we said last night.
Bit much no baby was really wellbehaved so it's fine.
So that was a newborn, like at the start of the year, I'd say
at Christmas, that was a newborn.
Yeah, yeah, it was fine, though if it was kicking up a fuss.
Christmas is an October for her.I remember that.
So not quite. So hang on.
(53:32):
So can I just ask, if people come to a show, do they know
that's the policy? As in other people who might not
be parents? Yeah.
Or do they rock up and go oh fuck no, fuck on an aeroplane be
gonna see a baby, Yeah. Yeah, no, I've, I've, I've, I've
made it public news. I think it's probably on the
ticket link for the websites andall too that there's a babes in
arms policy. Most theatres have a babes in
(53:53):
arms policy. Yeah, yeah, less and less these
days. Like but I mean most theatres
always had a babes in arms policy for new months who like
shouldn't be excluded from socialising and entertainment
because they have either anxietybut leaving their babies or
they're breastfeeding them or just whatever reason they've
fucking no babysitter. Don't know made the baby.
Baby bang the. Baby Would you ever have a baby
at your show? I just making a joke there and I
(54:15):
thought bad about it. Didn't actually but I had babies
at my show. There would have to be in a
great babies can be unreasonable.
Like I was going to say, there'dhave to be an agreement that the
baby doesn't kick off at any point.
We just. Have a chat to him beforehand.
Yeah, probably if I could have just a quick like.
Fucking shot at. I do say anyway, but there's
only been two times there's beenbabies.
Then what happened? Can we just rewind and Thomas
(54:36):
some pressure to me which is 0. Yeah.
Shut that. Shut that, man.
I don't. Know why I made the opposite?
I don't know. Yeah, I feel like you should be
able to go if you have a baby, but like, but don't be like.
It's a great area. If the baby's crying, yeah, step
outside so. This is what happened so the
mums of my shows had a baby withhim literally sat beside the
door so they could leave like. Yeah, that makes sense.
(54:59):
Yeah. And other audience member, like
if you find coming to your show,there's a Babes in Arms policy
that you're going to be in therewith 30 kids that's just come
from daycare and they're all going to be screaming and
shouting and fucking blue. He's going to come on stage or
whatever. Like obviously not as a human as
the parent holding the baby. If it starts to cry, you'd
leave, Yeah. And you'd just settle the baby
and come back in maybe, or don'tcome in, whatever.
(55:20):
But like you would, you took it under your hands.
Do you know what I mean? But the I, I say the two times
there's babies and I've said to the audience as a fuse, don't
laugh at bits. I'll just assume you're trying
not to scare the baby. You, you want to keep the baby
asleep. So thank you for that.
If you don't laugh, I'll also bedelighted.
Yeah. Works in my favour when there's
your baby there. I'm sorry, I was in my head.
I was just thinking about what you said, Bluey on stage.
(55:40):
I was thinking. The rubber.
Rubber and like put the rubber on trying to make it sexy.
Oh, there's nothing sexy with putting the condom.
Oh no, no there isn't. How can you make it?
Do you have any weird policies that you're on your tour shows
(56:01):
like? You meant about putting the
condom. I won't.
I'll do it. I will not touch it.
But I mean, do you have any? Is there anything you have to
specifically contact the venue for to say, listen, at my show,
this thing needs to happen. Is there anything under the
ordinary? Yeah, I no women.
No, no, I, I don't actually, no,I think I don't even know if
(56:29):
I've had a baby there before. But I mean, just the standard
thing of like over 8 teens in terms of like no children or
teens in the show. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. So that's standard.
And obviously if it's a baby, I think it's a totally different
kettle of fish, you know what I mean?
Because babies aren't going to. Be.
Be drinking, yeah, but no, I don't think why do you have that
(56:50):
sort of thing as well like we do?
You have certain requirements. A bottle of water on stage in a
stool. Oh sorry, I thought you met with
the audio. Just in general, yeah.
Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stolen a bottle I. Think my shoes are 16 and over.
But I have no minds are 16 and over.
But yeah, it's weird because they're they're bars.
They sell drink in the theatre. Well, suppose you can go to
theatre if you're under if you're a child.
I don't. Know you don't.
Have to drink either last drink a shot.
(57:13):
You're the libraries. Libraries.
Yep, November 1st can't wait. I went there for the first time
this week. My God.
Was that? Your first time doing average?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Last night was great, yeah.
That was awesome. Like such cool.
It's a cool vibe. And it was a great like, because
everyone's always said to me like, oh, when you go to
Belfast, Lavery's is just like the Bay's name.
(57:34):
So the vibe in there is just second to none.
And it's so true. Like, you know when you finally
go and do a club and you're like, yes.
Yeah. That was cool and like everyone
just really lovely. All the staff and stuff.
That's well loved as well. So is your family going on tour
with you to all of the places that you go or just the ones
that you have to like fly to? So Hattie is going to be with me
for all the tour. I heard babe not found me.
(57:55):
How do you know baby but my wifeand baby maybe what?
He said Toddler Downey. But what Soph and Louis will be
with me for, we haven't worked out which.
Like from a whole chunk, but notthe whole thing.
Are you doing dairy? No, I'm not doing dairy.
We had a word and we thought that was best.
Let's not have someone here thatwe don't understand.
(58:16):
You're you're owner. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's happening at the minute. Get your pink back, there's
still tickets for Dairy and Belfast, you bastards.
And do Liverpool next week. Oh yeah.
Oh. Sick hot water.
Yeah. Nice.
OK, tell them. Tell.
Them tell Liverpool tell Liverpool tell.
(58:37):
Let them know. There's you live, Thomas.
Sorry. No, you don't live in.
Liverpool. No, I live just outside London.
Half a sheet. Yeah, I like her there.
It's nice little sort of country, sort of little High
Street. You live in the countryside.
It's like it's half a cheer's weird because it's like little
(58:57):
towns and so it's like built up,but then yeah, you're driving
through fucking countryside and to get to the motorway.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, so it feels a bit tucked
away, but it's only 30 minute train to central here.
It's great. Did you happen on the motorway
here this morning? OK, full lorry.
Our cows. The cows are fine.
They're getting all the. Oh, is this different than
yesterday a cow was on the motorway?
(59:18):
A full lorry this morning with 40 cows in the back.
This is overturned on the motorway.
They're getting the cows out as we speak.
Is this? There's a one liner coming here.
I've seen it myself if. You're morning, did you drive
past it and say move? Move.
Yeah, here he is. So what?
(59:39):
Happened to him, so the. Everyone's fine.
No, Everyone's fine. No as well.
I think so at this stage they were just like the driver's
fine, the clouds are fine. The vets are here, They're
getting the clouds right. I don't know if they were like
on a on a retail to the Balmoral.
Oh my God, and if it takes them ages to like get them out and
it's night time stuff, those clouds might be freezing.
They'll be freezing and they won't be able to see.
(59:59):
Hey, what? What?
Happened there. Did I miss something?
Freezing. I know what the fuck that means.
Oh, is that what I know that? Oh, that's fans.
How do you know types of cows? I feel like.
Name Name one of. The 10.
I feel like Shannon is secretly Alexa.
Yeah. Do you know what I mean?
Before we wrap this up, because we're going to go what you might
(01:00:22):
be able to come for lunch. That was like you.
You're using the owners logic City Airport half, three or
three three. Absolutely and.
I've checked in already. You come for lunch, You never
come for lunch. Because I have to get home to my
children. John.
John Jean twice this week. You'd be mistaken for husband
and wife. Yeah.
(01:00:42):
Why? Who was that?
Delivery guy was bringing the table and chairs, like, garden
furniture at us. Yeah.
And he was like, oh, and he vaguely knew who I was.
And then he goes, you're marriedthere, comedian.
I was like, I'm not. And then?
And then somebody else said to me somebody was trying to get a
suit to Shane and it was they contacted me to get the suit to
him and I was like this is such a weird why he contact me to get
(01:01:04):
the suit to. Him anything.
But I followed instructions and I gave him information about
this person trying to get suit to him.
And it turns out like a week later they were like, oh, did
your husband get the suit? And I was like, was that from my
husband? And they were like Shane.
And I was like, no, my husband'sSean.
And they're like, no, he's not. I think the logical thing here
is Sean needs to change his name.
Name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Somebody needs to change. Links to posters and shows.
(01:01:25):
We'll put in the description. Thank you very much.
We're going to go for lunch. I think you could sell.
Come for lunch. Yeah, OK.
What do you get, huh? What are you getting?
Lunch, Clinton? Free toast?
Chicken. We're going to eat 30%, thirty,
7% energy level, but he's going to eat shit like that.
Thank you everybody.
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The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
True Crime Tonight
If you eat, sleep, and breathe true crime, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT is serving up your nightly fix. Five nights a week, KT STUDIOS & iHEART RADIO invite listeners to pull up a seat for an unfiltered look at the biggest cases making headlines, celebrity scandals, and the trials everyone is watching. With a mix of expert analysis, hot takes, and listener call-ins, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT goes beyond the headlines to uncover the twists, turns, and unanswered questions that keep us all obsessed—because, at TRUE CRIME TONIGHT, there’s a seat for everyone. Whether breaking down crime scene forensics, scrutinizing serial killers, or debating the most binge-worthy true crime docs, True Crime Tonight is the fresh, fast-paced, and slightly addictive home for true crime lovers.