320. The Golden Seahorse??? with William Thompson and Matthew Dinsmore

Sippers welcome! This week I'm joined by Willy T and first time guest Dinsy.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I wore my funky trousers. My head's back.
We need to talk about these trousers.
Yeah, do you want me to stand upfor?
The stand up because then he hasn't seen them.
And maybe just one. It sounded like you did a big
comedy fart. It was a drill downstairs.
Now talk us through. Talk us through this.
By the way, that sounds like a prototype for the world's first

(00:21):
motorbike. So these are just, I picked them
up, they were comfy. But how were they sold to you?
I switched you by the 1996. Last week in Dublin, same Nice
wee bit of Michael there for youtoo.
Yeah, I like them. They're comfy, they're good in
the summer, they're nice and floured.
I was about to say they must be good for the summer, getting a
nice breeze up there. They aren't, Yeah.

(00:41):
Yeah, you're good. But surely you'd were they're
very like 45 year old divorced woman getting back get getting
back out there. And it's not not my entire vibe.
Yeah, she is. I'm getting back out that fuck
you. Yeah.
Especially with the shaved head.This isn't each Belfast divorced
woman. Your hairline.
Like you will see this woman on the 12th wrapped in the flag.

(01:04):
She's doing that. Always biting her lip, she loves
it. Trying to give a Bacardi Breezer
to children. He's the lady to drink.
Would you ever perform at the bonfire?
No. What?
Stand up? Yeah, no.
By the way, by the way, I love that.
Because you said no, and then hewent yeah.

(01:24):
I reckon it'll be a good crowd it'd.
Be a good crowd. They're not there for you.
You're interrupting. You can get some real cheap
laughs like. Oh yeah.
Yeah, you'd be in danger of turning into a rally though.
Yeah, wouldn't be a great look. Oh yeah.
But like I'm talking on top of the pallets like hit the top.

(01:45):
Oh no I absolutely not the see the skele takes to get up them.
Who? Who does it What?
Do you mean? Who's get as a kid to get the
pallets up there? But everything.
Yeah, pretty sure like the bigger ones use like, don't
they? Use like cranes.
Remember, the guy fell off it. Yeah, that happens.
Video. Yeah.
Yeah, that was nuts. But that happens all that, it's

(02:05):
like, it feels like a lot of risk for like the reward is it
just gets a little nice, that's it.
Have you ever been at one where a guy's on top trying to light
it and they light it from the bottom?
They're like fuck with. Him.
Really. Steven, you Dick.
And he's like, they'll just light it and he's.
Like Looney Tunes? Yeah, it's like burning a wedge.
They'll just be like, oh you wanker, and he's the jump.

(02:27):
Off I know what you mean the thelike you could get cheap laughs.
Oh yeah, easily out. Like, I mean, I don't know.
What would you charge for that? Are you doing it for love of the
game? He's doing it for Wicked.
Oh, I don't know, because you'relosing half your audience, you
know what I mean? You're losing good unless you
did it at the, I don't know the internment.
Bonfires. Well, you're the only guy just

(02:47):
turns up to do exclusively. Bonfires.
Yes. You have to retire at 35 because
you belongs full of smoke. I know young Spencer, I'm pretty
sure did the bonfire and I was like, that looked like, I think
you could do it if it was music.Right.
Stand up some of them as well. Oh.
There's yeah. DJ's opposed them, like, yeah,

(03:08):
what then? Have you done stand up in
anything weird? Do you know what I mean?
Like not a gig, like at a night for a thing that wasn't just
strictly stand up. No, but I am.
There's one plant so there is inOctober and got on a golf trip
and they want me to do stand up there with a load of other like
50 year old men in Salou on the golf trip.

(03:31):
But you're are you being broughtin especially?
Oh, no, no, no, I'm here. On the golf.
Trip. I should have said that.
Yeah, No, I'm on the golf trip. And they want you to do a set.
Yeah, and I says absolutely not a cheese.
Don't. Don't do that.
It's anything you're at. Someone will go.
Do you want to get up and do a bit?
No, I think the funeral, so thathas been asked of me.
No, they go, they go you're you're you're not going to get

(03:52):
up and tell any jokes. I hope you're like, correct.
Yeah, of course I would. Especially.
Yeah, if you know, Although again, you could get some good
laughter. Funeral.
Yeah, it'll die during this set,like, you know.
What do you do, mate? Well, he's not speaking.
He's half. Standing up at a funeral at the
right level would be great. You know, in the right spirit
could be really good. No.

(04:12):
I did like a bit of a set my granny's funeral.
What do you mean? Well, I was asked to speak, but
then I like threw a few gags in,but it didn't really judge the
level of it, right? Because my dad's very short.
Didn't you ever met my dad yet? I don't think, but he's like
5-4. And I was talking my granny's
funeral and there was hundreds of people there like my granny's

(04:34):
very popular woman. So I've heard so there's still
got these trousers bro. She was like just wearing them.
Send them back. Never did.
So since we've been mates, we'veestablished parameters and this
is not. That's never been brought up.
It's not OK, is it not? But now that it's been brought

(04:56):
up, I want you to stop because I'm going to get sad all.
Right. I'll I'll not bring that up
again. No.
Do you know what you will? I will.
She'd love damn treasure. She had a matching top and
everything. He's quite to get them all.

(05:21):
My dad will kill you. This is not.
OK, I'll stop there. I'll stop.
Go on. Sorry.
You're telling me. Very sad.
Sorry about your Grammy. Simplest episode of the Team
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(06:06):
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(06:27):
the live streams, all our live events and specials.
We've just put the Kill Toddy special out on there.
We've got the Bake Off, the Boozy Bake Off's going to be
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And there's odd free main episodes of the podcast every
Tuesday at the weave thing. You speak from the, what would

(06:49):
you say plant. I think so.
It's quite high up right So it maybe came up to like there on
me and I I was like went up all saltim and stuff and I was like
guys, I didn't say guys right I.Was.
Like hello everybody, I said I'mhere to speak in place of my
dad. I was like my dad really my
dad's like in the front row withsome of my grandly sisters and

(07:11):
the the vibe is sad, right? And I said my dad want to get up
and speak, but he was too scared.
He was too worried that you wouldn't see him over the top of
this. And I left it for a second for
the laugh like you do in stand up.
And it did not arrive. It took a while.
It took a while for them to warmup to what it was.

(07:34):
And then it actually, it actually was good.
But it took him a while to give her to get it.
Like people that's. That's a good wee funeral joke.
A guy came up to me at the funeral as well.
My grand funeral was like pen the respect.
And there was a guy that was managing Hollywood at the time
and I hadn't played in like a year or something.
Don't know why I wouldn't play football.
And he came up to me and he was like, you're just an autopilot,

(07:55):
people saying sorry for your loss, thanks very much.
And he goes come over and he's literally like over the coffin
and he goes, we need you tomorrow.
I said, what? He goes, come back away, we need
you. And I was like, are you trying
to top me up to play football tomorrow?
He goes Very sad day but 2:00 atCumber Wreck bring some pots.

(08:19):
Not playing won't bring her back.
Come. On and we push.
Score, we go for your. And can I tell you what we did
play and I scored the winner andwhen I scored, I went like this.
I would never do that. But if it's 24 within 24 to the
funeral, it's fine. Like, yeah, you know.
I did that a football game once.No one there to watch.
Because do you remember the Lampard had done it?

(08:41):
Because I think his mum passed away, yes, in the Champions
League final and I saw him do it.
So I I remember scoring a goal and also run the way in doing
that. And my family were the sideline
man. Like no one has died, but he has
no relatives that are dead. I don't know.
Who was it have the cerebral palsy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your hand, you're probably 1
pointing. You're probably pointing over to
the right. I was just obviously like for an

(09:02):
important fan. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like
like my son overdoes it because he watches a lot of football on
YouTube. Yeah.
So he's 4. So he plays and as we training
matches with his mates, he celebrates a goal.
But there's no like you don't dothat.
And I showed him Ryan Giggs in the semi final, the FA Cup goal

(09:23):
against Arsenal, I had to stop my son taking his shirt off and
swinging it like no, none of these kids know they've scored a
goal and he scores the goal and he just peels off.
And the first goal he scored when I was watching him training
bear mine, just to be training five on five, I was like I'm
going to be the sort of dad my sons football, if they're really
good into football, well, I'm not saying we're really on the
sidelines and all. The only thing we'll do is

(09:44):
encourage them after having fun,they're having fun, but I'm just
going to be laid back. You scored a wee goal in the
training match. There's no goal.
Like the goalkeeper had just wandered out of Nets result to
the side. My school, my son just knocks
one in and I just totally forgotmyself.
Real passionate, like just scaring all their parents.
Did you ever play football? I was as telling you the other

(10:08):
day, I was a bit of a golf so I didn't didn't get into football
until my later years. I.
See, yeah, I could see you beinglike the guy who comes to five
aside a short notice and he's unbelievable.
No, quite the opposite. He's wearing a Domino's uniform,
just pinging it about like. See, I could see you being like
Jonah Hellen Moneyball, but for like, stats guys in Lisburn
Distillery under thirteens, yeah.

(10:29):
I could, I would like the mild side of it but like if I decide
I have played and I think I've in my whole 5 aside career I've
scored two goals, both goals I took my top off for I get the
same. Play ball up at Stormont.
Exactly where it was it could. It was like a money ladder by
orgy scores against whole touchline.
I actually. You in Europe?

(10:50):
I used to work in there. Yeah, we stopped.
This is. Yeah, this is the weirdest
thing. Welly, I've told that on the
Paul, but a long time ago, one time we were playing at Loch
Moss and carried off. And when you show up on the
Saturday, if you're early and they're open in the changing,
you're there for when they're open change rooms.
It's an old boy who does that. He's retired and he comes along
and he opens up all the changingroom.

(11:11):
Yeah, like, like, who's playing the daylights and all this kind
of thing. I hadn't known Willie for that
long. And I was the first one there in
the team. And we were waiting for the
caretaker to open up the changing rooms, and he just
arrives in an old boy's jacket. And I thought it was like, maybe
an old man. He looked like Billy.
And I was like Willie. And he's like, yeah, made that

(11:32):
huge change in five who you spend the day.
And I was like, why are you doing?
This it's £13.00 an hour. Are you?
I'm asleep. He's the.
Youngest caretaker in Northern Ireland.
That was the easiest job in the world.
Because you have to do this. Yeah.
And by the way, you do that onceat the start of the day and you
do that once at the end of the day, Yeah.
And then whatever you, David, wedo with those other 9 hours.

(11:54):
Yeah. That's no one's business.
Yeah, I would go in the train into the training room and just
sleep. Yeah, turn the.
Radiator off the young caretakerDenzi.
What was your first job? In the oh, I was a glass
collector an El Divino back in the day.
Fog I I did not know Divino, butI was a glass collector as well.
Yeah, yeah. Little parallels here.

(12:15):
Fucking. First job?
What age were you when you were doing that?
17. So you were like in the club?
Yeah, but it was not partying. Yeah, I wasn't allowed to do the
bar in it. What was the worst thing you saw
when you were working with anyone ever shit in the glass?
Someone shit, I'm not even joking.
Did you ever be an El Divino? Yeah.
Or there was out of it. That's a question taboo.

(12:37):
There was the, I think it was the Planet Smith night.
They're running it one night. And that was after my time.
Yeah, it was sort of towards theend, it was almost getting
changed over, but the planet. Sorry, this just to people who
don't know it was a night where it was like old school dance
music. You had you show up in a track
suit and all culture. Appropriation, people.
Yeah, it was. There was a Barber who would

(12:57):
shave your head as well. Yeah, just to give you a
Skinhead. I'm just back from.
But the when? Did you finish it?
It's actually a nice cut. He at the end of the night we
were doing the, the Clayton, therest of the glasses, whatever.
And there was a human shit on the, I want to say it was on the
floor. And then they'd wipe their arse

(13:17):
on the edge of the sofa on the top floor of El Divino.
Because it was just like a big brown, like like a sofa like
this, except it was a blue suede, just a big stripe and
then a human turd. And I, I, it wasn't me who
collected it, collect picked it up.
It was not me. I was out that night.
What was it you? No, I got kicked out.

(13:38):
I really. For sure on the top floor.
I was in the toilets doing something I shouldn't been doing
and they caught me. What are we, poo?
I was in. No, I was in doing things.
And what? Just looking at my car keys and

(13:59):
what I hadn't noticed as I was doing it is the bouncer had
poked his head above the cubicleand had watched me take it out,
dip in the lucky dip and do thisand I went right you out.
I looked like looked at him deadhere and went, I'm just taking a
shit mate. He's like, I can see you're not
get out. So yeah, I was in for 5 minutes

(14:21):
and got kicked out, yeah. You should have been like, it's
all prop. We're playing into the, the,
the, the theme of the night. Yeah, I'm doing this fake coke.
But that's it. Like yeah, if like I've never
seen bouncers in toilets as muchas they were in that night.
Like there was like 2 the whole time.
That's the thing about glass collecting.
It's like the places you'll findshit isn't seen.

(14:41):
Like literal shit literal. Yeah, yeah, I remember one time
someone had shit in a glass and then put the glass in the
toilet. And I mean, that is more hassle.
Shit in the toilet said about this.
We soft serve ice cream cold float that they've just fucked
into the toilet because then when they put the glass in you
have to go in plastic bag up thearm and lift it out.

(15:04):
Can I, can I tell you something?Yeah.
We're somewhere 5050 on telling tell.
It happened on Saturday. Saturday night we took the kids
to Portrush for the day. I'd left my car near far aside
in a residential St because we were pulling and we got my

(15:25):
wife's car at port rush and she was leaving me back.
So I'm driving back from port rush at about half seven 8:00
and I'm like a mile from far aside, but I need to piss and
I've needed the piss since port rush.
But the second I mentioned I need to go, there's nothing like

(15:47):
I'm so close yet so far, and my wife went just run into forest.
I can go, but I knew I couldn't have made it.
So I I literally in real time I went.
I need to piss here too. I know I need to piss as I've
said this, So I had to pull in the I say like a residential St
Kids were sleeping in the back of the car.
I was hoping for like a bit of forestry or something, but there

(16:10):
it was just just houses and there was no one really about.
So I also have to factor in in these times and people go, oh,
fucking dead on. I have to factor in the people
might know the podcast or knows me from stand up or something.
So I can't just, you know, like part of me is like, should I
like plank on a, like a dream atthe side of the road?

(16:34):
You know it's not Shane Todd shagging our dream.
So that went through my mind if that's something I could do,
like pretend I was injured and put my Dick through the drain.
What injury could that possibly be?
Someone puts you up? Just got broken wrist mate.
So we'll put it in the street. And I said my wife was like, I

(16:58):
need, I need to piss now. And the only thing I had in the
car was a barista cup, you know,like barista bar from this bar.
So I went, I'm just going to have to piss in this.
So I had shorts on. So I pulled out to the side
trying to keep the kids asleep in the car.
I start to piss into the cup. It's a large cup.
I filled it within seconds. I know this is 13% of the piss

(17:22):
so I cut. It off.
So I or I can afford a large break.
So I, I piss into it, I go, oh shit, I'd like, I need to get
rid of it, but I don't want to open the door.
So I wind down the window and I'm still cutting off at this
point. And I poured it straight out,

(17:45):
but I had to just fling it out onto the road and this splash.
So I get back to what I'm doing and I'm like, I'm not, it's not
all like going in, right. So like there's, there's a bit
of spillage here and there. 4 cups.
I'm getting flustered as I go. I'm just dropping out.
I'm dropping out cups and I'm a man and his wife walked past to

(18:08):
the last throw. Now I've not hit them or
anything. They're on the other side of the
road. We're on this side, but I'm
throwing my piss into the middleof the road.
The man has obviously seen what I'm doing.
I throw, I throw the piss out, the guy goes, you all right?
I said sorry, my son's been sick.

(18:33):
And he said, why are you doing that though?
Meaning like he can see the kidsasleep in the back of the car.
He knows what's happening. I've said my kids are being
sick. And his response is basically
like, so why are you throwing piss into my street there?
And I just said something like, what can you do?

(18:54):
And then we drove off with a little more pissed dribble in
it. And when we we circle back, it
was a dead end. Before I had that, I had to do
like a 10 point turn and get back out.
And it looked like, you know, when during a flood, like in LA,
the the fire brigade scoop up all the water and then drop it

(19:14):
on like a street. That's what it looked like.
It looked like a flood on the street.
You have the worst bladder control of a grown man I've
ever. Met Do you know what it is?
I'm too ambitious. I go, I go.
I'm in Portrush here. I could do with a piss.
Most people will go. I'll just go.
Yeah, I go. I'll wait till we're in Greater

(19:36):
Belfast to do it. You know what I mean?
I don't plan it as well. Because this was like when we
were in foggy Aberdeen and you pissed on the street and a woman
caught you. No, that was just in a street,
though. But here's the thing.
Here's the thing, he's passing. I'm doing that.
What was the name Aberdeen In Aberdeen I visited you.
Serious. I thought you were sure.

(19:56):
So I thought that you were sure you're serious.
I'll see. What's that man urinating on the
stretch? You serious?
Oh. Serious.
When you need to go, you need togo.
Oh that's it. 4/4 cups though. Did you get the stamps for
release? So let me take a quick 2nd to

(20:16):
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(21:25):
caught you though, it went serious pissed in the street.
You didn't know what they're doing, you panicked and you just
looked at your watch, went. It was a decidable housing
estate in Aberdeen, nowhere elseto go like.
It's a baller, but it's just. Sometimes you get caught short,
you just you've got to go like Ican see you then you being very
subtle about about pissing. In what way?

(21:47):
In what way? Like I'm quite like awkward
physically long limbed. If I'm just going to go, you see
me in the distance. You know what I'm doing.
I can see you being just. Like very subtle about it, the
street pisser pissing you don't even know.
Blinking. Yes, yes, no, I'm quite like
you. I'm quite ambitious, you know, I
like the just just wait until itneeds to go.

(22:08):
Yeah. Do you seem like a kind of guy
who can only shit in his own house?
No. No, no, I'll shit anyway.
Shit right here if you want me. To see if I go down that studio
downstairs and we lazy boy so fast.
El Divino was the spot for a while.
For a while, I mean before planets, it was me shitting that

(22:29):
couch. But to be fair, we're.
Making top five top five nightclubs this shed in well.
People are in the like, that kind of thing of like if you
need to go to the toilet, peoplewill recommend places in like a
city, go, go in here, you know, maybe a hotel, they go, no one
will see you go past reception because you want to be subtle
about it. You want to just go in and
people have preferred places they like.

(22:50):
Like, you don't just want to go to like a cafe near or
something, no. You want you.
Want to leave their class? You want a nice free time?
Yes, Anywhere you ask for a codeor a key, Yes.
Don't like that. Don't like that at all.
And I understand the reason why.Yeah, but like you're making me
go up and like be just what you're doing is it's actually
going up to the counter and saying I really need to piss.
Can you give me the key, please?Yeah, I don't want them knowing
my business. Don't know.
You ask for a key at all times when you go to.

(23:15):
Like I forgot my connection, borrow yours.
Cheers. But a lot of times the coffee or
the coffee places, they have thecode because like junkies get in
and shoot up in the bathroom. So then when you ask for the
code and they ask why, you're like, are you insinuating I'm a
junkie and then I'm offended? Yeah.
Because I just need a wee pee. Are you insinuating I'm a Are
you insinuating you? Are you alleging?

(23:37):
To me that I'm a heroin addict, Yeah, yeah, not an addict.
I just like it. In those trousers.
These these are not a heroin addicts trousers.
It's a granola addict. I'm like, we A-Team to entry
peasant farmer. That's what these are.
I said he looks like he's been displaced after World War 2 and
a man in the local village has given him treasures with his

(23:58):
family of them. I'll be there.
Yeah. The UN of give you a haircut,
you know like. Remember the first time you saw
me in the trousers the other week?
He didn't even say hello, he just went.
Are you aware what they look like?
Yeah. I went, yeah, they went all
right then, yeah, just walked away.
I was listening to podcast last night, the history extra 1 about
the displacement after World WarTwo.
People were just everywhere, like.

(24:21):
Is it like what? What do you mean?
Like people just forgot to go home or whatever?
No, but just after it was over, everyone's like right my head
over there. Was 6 million of them fairly
displaced? But it was.
They weren't desperate, they were in the one place.
But you had to just walk home atthe end of it.
Forgot Gary Lenniger. Shame here.
Let's go. So you don't win.

(24:43):
There was the one guy who just kept fighting.
The Japanese soldier you've everheard about?
Him. No, that's Vietnam, was it not?
No, no. The guy didn't know the war was
over. Yeah, no, it was an imperial
Japanese soldier. He just kept fighting.
And they were like, please leaveus alone.
It's going into villages. And he's like, what are the
Americans? They're like, they're not here.
Yeah. Where the fuck have you been?
Yeah. Yeah, people just had the war,

(25:03):
like was just walking home like after World War 2.
What was the name of that Japanese unit that was really
evil? It's like unit.
Did experiments and all. Yes, talking about, I don't know
the name of it. I could and there be people in
the comments man, like actually,but it was like unit.
Yeah, they all look like you. It was like.
New trousers it. Was like Unit 430 and they were
just conducting horrible experiments and they would say

(25:25):
it was for science, but they'd just be like get.
Put an elbow in your nose. They just like get you and just
throw you into like a tub of boiling water.
What were they hoping would happen?
Dies they'd be like, like, get the pregnant woman just like
clubbing around the head and be like, oh, that's what happens
when you club a woman. She bleeds.
These are these are just like awful.

(25:47):
Scientists. They're just, yeah, just evil
bastards. You think they did at some point
have like a genuine breakthroughjust on something like very
subtle? That's actually.
That's pretty good. That's where you get the
carpool. From they keep they keep from
the World Health Organisation will always take boiling water
things and then they do find some of the World Health
Organisation or like you're bad guys.
But like cheers for this one. That is actually very helpful.
Like a certain temperature of boiling.

(26:08):
I would hate that. I would hate to just be in war
like, but after the basically the thing was after this is this
podcast was about a family from Poland and after World War 2
that they just basically walked through Europe and they went see
everywhere. There was just is he any road
you're walking down? There's just like thousands of

(26:29):
people there. Everybody was just trying to
find their way back home. Traffic's fucking see getting
back from this war. Traffic's off.
It's like getting home from fucking Boucher Rd.
After a concert. Actually won't get me.
I'm in fucking Austria. Hungary here, no one's picking
me up. You think of West?
Thanks, Bob. Try fucking the Bay of Biscay.

(26:49):
That's a that's an ocean. The reason I know that is
because I read a tweet about it earlier on and the only thing I
was thinking in Europe, these it's two, these guys sailing
from Manchester to Bill Boy for the Europa League final and
everyone's like, but you're going over the bed Biscay.
Apparently it's very choppy and they're all freaking the bed.
Biscay. You've heard that I've heard.

(27:10):
I know I have. I actually actually I was
talking to someone recently who boats and they said, they said.
You're still on piss on it. I literally said do you would
you ever take the boat to Spain?And they said no because we'd
have to cross the Bay Biscay andyou are a cool guy.

(27:35):
Dinner, right? Yeah, but but it is choppy.
Like maybe it's when oceans meet.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, like the sometimes it can be
choppy because this river flows into this or something.
Because it like the plates of the earth.
Yes. Make it.
That's how you get earthquakes and all in it to earth plates
like Kesson. Plates.
Tectonic plates. What's your favourite subject?

(27:57):
School Dinsy. Miles.
Really. Yeah, I know.
Can we do a proper intro for Dinsy?
I know we're halfway through theabsolute but people might not be
aware. Yes, Dinsy did kill Toddy or
live event which is out very soon if not already on Patreon.
And Jordy, you're very. Affable.
What's that mean? Like nice.
Oh, thank you. Why you thought by the way, you
you got a, you got a bit right either.

(28:19):
Affable, no effort. What are you saying?
I thought affable was saying F bubble fuckable.
Yeah, yeah, you're that. If that's the way, if that's
what you think, you know. You just showed up and that we
tracks it up. I was like, who's this snack
like? I want you to be brought on
stage that all the time. The most fuckable comic.
But you. Yeah, you did a like we did a
live stream episode and I was asking how you know Willie and

(28:40):
you 2 like don't really know howyou know each other, but you
just know each other. Yeah.
I used to torture you at McDonald's after a night.
Out well, like Japanese soldiers.
It's over me, please. Put the boiling hot Big Mac on
my face. I liked it.
Anytime you wanted to, like, pick Willie's brain or have AQ
and A with him, you knew where to find him.
Collins lover, McDonald's. He's got a table in the corner.

(29:01):
Like Goodfellas, he's in the kitchen.
Shakes everyone's hands as he walks in.
You want the audience, Mr. Thompson, come with me.
Just a line of boys are to talk to him about stand up.
I can't because you, I heard this.
You said we met in a McDonald's.Yeah.
I don't remember. It was you were doing like
sketches at the time on Facebookand there was another guy doing

(29:22):
sketches and I used to go up to you and I was like, you're so
much funnier than him. And I used to be like me.
Please leave me alone. Yeah, I imagine it was nice
initially. Well, he would have said please
leave me alone, but say more like that.
I imagine it was nice initially.And then did you stay for a bit?
And I'm like. I lingered like a like a bad
smell, yeah. Yeah, it was Collins Water
McDonald's popping off after a night, too.

(29:43):
No, it wasn't Collins water. It was the one in time.
The the Castle Street, yeah. No thanks.
It's dangerous. And say nothing Collins water
McDonald's on a Friday night or Saturday night.
If you're going through the drive through, you've you're
waiting there like. It's the best 1 though.
It is. It's busy.
It's about 20 minute wait, but it's fresh.
Good McDonald's there. A good McDonald's, right?

(30:05):
It's not like they're thrown outlike what's left.
They have just made that for you.
Right. It's fucking great.
I. Had a bit of an altercation in
it the other week. I was parked up after getting my
food, the bracelet, the knuckleswas out the there was these like
3 sort of young fellas quite smacked out and I copped on to
what they were doing after but it didn't sit right with me at

(30:27):
the time. It didn't because they were
walking past my car and I get are.
You in the queue for the driver.No, this is after I've got my
food and parked up and they're. What do you happen?
Oh, I think it was a double cheeseburger, Mayo, chicken, and
maybe some cheese dippers. So I'm watching my figure, as
you can tell, but they were walking past the car, one of
them was on a bike or something,and they just stirred me out,
like making a point of stirring me out.

(30:48):
And I was like, what am I meant to do here?
I'm not a confrontational guy. And it's hard for you to look
hard back when you get cheese dippers.
Yes, red sauce down my face and everything, you know?
Now you're licking the cheese off a.
Packet picking the burger, the Pickles out of the burger and
everything, you know. And then they went away and that
was fine. And then they they must have got
their food and then came back and they did the same thing
again. And I was like these wee
wankers, like, but I noticed they did it to another car at

(31:11):
the exact same thing. And he actually got out and
chased them. And that made me feel
emasculated, to be honest, because I've just, they've made
a, they've made a mockery of me.I've done nothing about it.
And he's chased them. Yeah.
And they've run. I don't know if I get out or
they're going to run. I'm not.
Do you think maybe what? Do you think they were hoping
for? That's just the reaction, but I
just sat looking at them very awkwardly, like please don't

(31:31):
look at me. I'm.
Maybe they were just be Stray Kids and they just wanted your
Pickles that they could see. Yeah, they're like the Lost Boys
out of Peter Pan, and they thinkyou're you're pee.
Like the seagulls that are around, McDonald's is waiting
for the scraps. Fuckers are never gone.
The seagulls, yeah, they're massive.
Those. Bastards.
There was a this week a shark inthe River Collinswater.

(31:52):
I saw that, yeah. That's.
Where that was, that's. Where that was the actual shark,
Tiger shark. Yeah, no shark.
I don't know if it's attacker shark.
Shark and swam up. It's like what do you mean it's
shot down Yeah, yeah. What are you?
I'm going the blue ink. Fuck fuck dickers.
Nothing around here, Get that? Online shopping I can't be out.

(32:14):
Don't deliver to. Me, There really was a shark
there. Yeah, the marine biologist as
well, who they asked about it. He was like, it's almost as if
it was like a cover up because he was like, yeah, we get sharks
here all the time. Why you landing me?
I know that we don't. There's no way there's sharks
there all the time like. Well, not specifically corns
water, but there's. Loan sharks there all the time.
No sharks, but what? See the river Corns water?

(32:37):
Where does that go? Like I've never heard anybody
talking about it. I don't know.
I actually do. You know what I mean, I.
Don't know. There's sharks and shopping
trolleys in it. It's a bad river like.
That yeah, I've never thought about that river.
I was in the ego club in primaryschool and we had to do the

(32:57):
like. We had the picture of the yeah,
you're looking at the chairman of the Ego Club, by the way, So,
so some responsible. Knuckles is at your door.
So some gold, so you. Didn't put down the right
recycling. I'm just listening to the
moisture from the. Listeners.
So as the chairman of the Eco talk me through the Eco club.
The women banging down the door.So what year are you in school?

(33:22):
P6 and P7 right? Two years wrong.
Do you form the ECO? Club did you run for re
election? He's doing the truck you.
Can get like 3 awards. There's like a bronze award, a
silver award and then the the granddaddy is the the green
flag. You'll see some primary schools
have the big green eco club flag.
Unfortunately I didn't I didn't quite reach that.

(33:44):
I did get the bronze and silver for us in my 2 years.
I like this. Did you?
Was the club already gone? No, no, it was fine you.
Started it. Not by me, but I was the first
official head of it. It was started by a teacher or
something. And would you like, would you be
in charge of the meetings and think, were you pulling strings
or were you more of a puppet? Were you more of a like a Biden?
I had a secretary secretary, secretary secretary, she would

(34:07):
take the. Medicine.
Monica Lewinsky. You're going to Eco club?
I'm here to get shocked. Saving the world, getting
bitches. What are you doing?

(34:27):
What steps did you take to secure the bronze and?
Silver, what was important? Do you like?
I can't remember. Oh.
Would you? How many people were in Eco
Club? I think like 8 or 9.
Right. I was actually seven more than I
thought. Just, you know, one when you've
trapped in there and we're saving the turtles.
The greenhouse gases you need tothink about.

(34:50):
I can't, I can't remember what stuff we actually did.
I know the corns water ever, butthey'd go and just pick shit out
of it. Were like letter pickers.
That was one of them. And this was all voluntarily.
Sort of like extracurricular sort of stuff.
The the total is that would lookgood on your like application
for like a secondary school or whatever.
I don't know why I thought I need that sort of thing.
And were you actually passionateabout it, like.

(35:11):
No, absolutely not. All right.
I was in the orchestra and like anything to Get Me Out of doing
sports, to be honest. What are you?
Doing. Oh, bassoon for sure.
No, no, no. The baritone and the trumpets.
A bit of a brass man. So love a bit of brass.
Love the brasses, as they say. You tensor a brass.
Trumpets, trombones, knuckles, anything.

(35:32):
Brass. Ivan had them.
That's class. Will you ever like we ever
approach sort of you know, in your personal time by like, you
know, big like plastic groups oranything like that, like any,
any bones or anything? You're trying to get me onto
their size? No, unfortunately not any.
Any sort of like aluminium? People say what do you say to
people say you were in the pocket of big plastic.

(35:53):
I say I completely refute that. That's disgusting.
We're in any new groups in school.
Just I was definitely in drama groups.
Yeah, I could see that, yeah. I think it did.
I see ICT group for a while. Very born.
You just learned like fucking how to do spreadsheets.
I got me to go do a thing calledspeech play whenever I was about

(36:13):
7:00 or 8:00. It was kind of like drama,
right? And I I couldn't fathom improv.
Yeah, go ahead. You still can't.
You're so defensive, man. Part of it there was like
exercise. So I'm a big fucking ugly stupid
cunt. I know you wanted to relax me.
If we're friends, is everything OK to try to fucking shoot

(36:41):
himself in front of me so I don't make fun of them?
We can give you the satisfactionof my blood on your face as one
of the exercises. You have to stand on a chair,
right? To all these other me and all
these other kids, and they love speech play like they're massive
for it. And they go, why are we doing
this? And they go, there's sharks
funny enough to go, teacher goesthe sharks in the water.

(37:03):
And they're all, what are you doing?
What are you doing? What are you doing?
They're all, I'm scared, you know?
Oh, I nearly, nearly bit my foot.
Yeah. And I was like, Nah, what are we
doing here? And they're like, oh, the
sharks. And I just got down off the
chair and was like, I want to gohome.

(37:27):
One boy brought in a steak, a paper mache steak, because they
knew the week before they were going to be doing a shark thing.
And he goes a steak for the sharks.
Maybe it won't bite us. Get me the fuck out of here.
Your paper mache steak. How did no one get that steak
off him during the whole school day before that?
No, this was this was Sep. There's no.

(37:47):
News. Oh, it's not even school.
This. Was nothing to do.
It was good. This is in Beaver Community
Hall. Oh fuck yeah.
I thought it was like an extra school thing.
No, I was in BB. I remember that.
Were you a BB boy? Yeah, thanks for the Haribos.
Yes. What's the difference between BB
and the Scouts? Protest.
Yeah, there's a religious overtone to BB, right?
So you play football for a bit and then you sit down and hear

(38:08):
while you're embroiled in sin. So you're scoring overhead kick,
and then you must ask for the Lord's forgiveness.
But if you do this to celebrate,they're like, I like that.
Yeah, someone scored a goal thatonce they're like, get him the
fuck I. Just gave BB trips.
Yeah, but they were always shit.Right.
I was really young and like, I don't think I was in it for more
than a year sort of thing. Oh really?

(38:28):
I just remember going to the hall.
I remember there was fighting. There was like a prayer thing
they were doing one time. And I remember crying because
the prayer was going on so long.I thought it was never going to
end. And I thought we were just stuck
in an infinite loop of prayer, man.
Stripping at a prayer. It's a prayer.
I was worried like am I ever going to see my mum and dad

(38:50):
again? Like how am I getting out of
this? It just went on so long.
What one did you go to? Beers Bridge Rd.
Right. OK, it's different than my one.
I don't even think it's there anymore.
Because I went to the Tully Carnot one which is in the
community centre, and then I went to the Dundonald 1 after.
We used you be Judas. They were very different places.
The Dundonald one was very religious, very strange.
You have to learn how to March. The Tully Carnot one was

(39:11):
basically sitting in this hall for an hour while your mum,
just, like, is glad you're not around.
Yeah. And it was just kids I know she
was doing. What's up, What's up?
We should have shouting after you say something about my
mommy. My wee dead mommy.
Stop laughing. He's laughing at how fucking

(39:35):
insecure you all right? We are all laughing.
And we do that when you're not in the room as well.
Many you leave, right? See how shirt he was wearing?
Dodgers fucking soap Dodger. Smelly bastard.
I like the way I just threw my kids under the bus too.

(39:57):
He's been sick. Why are you throwing piss in the
street? Why is?
Your child vomiting piss? That's something.
It sounds like an old like good luck thing.
If your child's been sick you want to stop them getting more
sex. You just, you got to throw a
piss out into this. Has to be over your left
shoulder. Yes, it's.
Always something specifically. Into the past.
What? What's scouts then?

(40:20):
Scouts is more like Kumbaya, youknow?
Nope, we songs and everything and knots do not right What?
Company ship, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Company trips away, that's
useful. It was good, I loved it.
When was the last time you needed a knot for something?
My shoes. Fair enough.
Which I still can't say it couldhave could have been done with

(40:42):
scouts. Look at this, Scouts, scouts,
scouts. You want to go camping?
Couple of guys got Scott. You just learned how to March.
Right, right. It was shit like yeah, scouts
was good. I like they'll be in the scouts
like. You could be raised there.
Adventure Scouts. But it was, it was odd.
Like, you could be out, you know, snogging like.

(41:05):
See, I always sound not weird. Do you know what I mean?
Even in BB you have people who were like 18, yes.
And they're like, and Thomas just won his top badge and
you're like, do you have mates, Thomas?
Yeah. She won't go outside and do coke
like a normal fucking teenager. I was pretty good at throat.
We, we had a, there was like an all scouts sports day once and
I, I got a silver medal for the whole Belfast district thing for

(41:26):
a thing in my weight class for throwing a boot, like throwing a
well, a small welly boot. That was the game.
That was one of the games, yeah.Wasn't the thing Harvard?
School did you go to? No, this was I was going to
Strand time at time and this wasfor you in Strand, didn't
Elmgrove, Elmgrove Strand time is the shit.
Yeah, what secondary school you go taking?
Enst Enst. Where'd you go?

(41:48):
Come on, did you a little smart?Guy, I can't explain why I hate
both of you. I don't know why.
I never got into the school hating like other schools That
you hate it. I never understand that.
Really. Oh, he went to, you know, we
have a song about these guys. Nah, see, like school songs.

(42:09):
Stop there. Don't have them.
Don't do it, see like or a mottoof the school.
It's not 1875. Yeah, don't be doing that.
Don't have a connection to your school beyond like I go here?
Yeah. It's weird to me a school not an
all boys meet up. They're the weirdest.
Thing you get to leave school. Yeah.

(42:29):
Leave. School mottos annoyed makes
they're always in Latin. Novice for the Victus.
Yeah, it means learn together. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just because it's in Latin doesn't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, do. You know who else has models in
Latin? Loyalist paramilitaries.
Paramilitaries. Exactly.
I think the UDAS is literally something we.
Learned together. Live, laugh, learn.

(42:49):
Ours. Ours was querier.
Shooting out places, shouting out Latin.
Quesa rabbit rabbit. Is that what it is?
I don't know. I don't know the Latin UDA
quote. I know there's one guy and we're
and then we're going to put out this mother 3 right.
Then we're going to put a bomb on their heads car and everyone

(43:09):
remember the bottle and there's a guy going fuck, I didn't do
Latin. How did they get it?
Because. Kerberos, his dog.
There was no Quintus Esten Hordo.
Excuse me, Bin Latin. Quintus is in the garden.
Bin Laden, but they didn't have Google Translate, obviously, so
they just have one sort of like we geek who's just like, right.
We'll ask him something to say along David.
Pick the motto. Davey's very Davey's bilingual,

(43:33):
yeah. Well, don't let them in here.
Like the whole school like when you're 38 and you're still like
linked to the school voluntarily.
Weird. It didn't know if your
fundraising for your school because it needs something and
you're not given like governmentmoney, whatever.

(43:53):
Yeah, totally understand that. Yeah, but if you're just like
all about still the school. Someone who went there and
donated a giant gold seahorse that must.
I think they said it cost like 10 or between 10 and 20 grand.
Just donated it to the school and I thought what an absolute
wet wipe. What are they doing with that
look? Exactly 20 spur 20 grand here

(44:15):
we're going on holiday we we canwe holiday home or something No
let's give a seat I'd. Also, I'd be furious if that's
if I gave you 20 grand, yes. So you were in need of.
I'm like, did you get? Me an Angel.
Wait, hold on. How's it about, Willie?
I need. I need a tab.
I'm really in trouble. How much you need?
Like I'm so sorry to ask you, 20grand, right please.

(44:38):
Right. I've had a good year.
I'm desperate and I can see you're in need.
Got you the 20 grand. There you go.
Thank you. Come back a week.
Later. OK, man, I really appreciate
that money. Yeah.
Did you get one close for the kids?
Yeah. So what you get?
I got what I needed. Yeah, Yep.
What was it, God? It was, well, you know, I love
animals. Yeah.

(45:00):
Horse. You bought a 20 grand horse?
Could say that, yeah. Yeah.
Can you ride this horse? You could get on.
Kind of win races. The gold horse you spent 20
grand on the golden horse, Golden sea horse.
Where'd you get that? Shank all by itself a gold.

(45:26):
What is this good to do with that?
They just put it in front of thelibrary.
It's nice. It's a nice piece.
When you walk past it, if you actually go around the back
events you could see it through the gates if you want to take a
look. I'd love you as an art
collector. That's a nice piece.
American schools fuck with each other like they steal each
other's mascot. Yeah, all that kind of thing.
I kind of like that. So if I ran, if we ran in, then

(45:47):
being silly, we boys, we take the golden seahorse.
Could we get the golden seahorseto just sit and do a pod?
Like not as a guest, I just meanlike in the middle of the table.
I don't think it would fit. It's big.
Are you in the collecting anything densy?
Vape liquids and. What do you collect them for?
Just to go into your lungs? Just.
Smoke them, yeah, but it's always the one flavour and I

(46:10):
collect them every week. Do you smoke?
You you find Mary. What vaping bed or smoking bed?
Vaping bed. Oh yeah, yeah.
Dancers vaping on beds? Cool.
Smoking on beds. Disgusting.
Oh yeah, You see it in films when they light up a fig after
sex. There's ash everywhere and all.
It's just on your chest. Yeah.
I get annoyed if someone pulls out a snack after sex and I got

(46:31):
crumbs going on my bed. They're going to pull out a full
fig. Who are you riding that's
pulling out snacks after sex? Fat.
Bitchy. Whoever you're riding is pulling
out a snack during sex, Willie Thick.
That's me pulling out the snacks.
I could see you I. Could see you suddenly eating a
pepperami during sex, I mean. Nothing suddenly about it.

(46:52):
I have a friend and he used to go with a girl.
This is a great story. I can't wait to tell this.
He used to go with he used to gowith a girl and she was a bit
rough around the edges And one night he picked her picked her
up from a night out. No, just me.
Like she was a bit like she was just metal.
And he picked picked her up after a night out picked her up
after a night out and she was she was drinking.

(47:12):
He wasn't. So he brought her back to her,
his house. And she says, like, I'm
starving, need to get something deep.
So they ordered a kebab box, youknow, and it comes, she goes,
I'm not hungry, I'm not hungry. And they go up the stairs and
they're, they're getting it on or whatever.
And she says I need to take a break here, need to go for a
smoke. She goes down the stairs and
comes back up house, sauce all over her face.
She took a break from riding to have a bit of kebab.

(47:40):
God's honest truth. I know I said it was my mate and
that might make it sound like itwas me.
Yeah. But I can promise you it would
be me in the kebab. Yeah.
We spoke about this when I did your pod.
In kebab before during, after kebab, before I.
Don't want I got a mate. Sorry, in kebab what?

(48:03):
At any time. I meant before sex, horrendous
kebab and pizza before I ride. Just wait until he's going to
plug the kebab shop he has a black card for.
Well, kebab company on back on Summerside St Absolutely
wonderful establish. I don't want pan kebabs
tomorrow, aren't they? It doesn't matter to him, he's
got the black. Card.
Yeah, I didn't. Paying for shit but.
Before, how do you flash the black card like a cop doing a
bust? Dead, dead even.

(48:26):
When I'm getting it, I'll hand them a tenner, but you wait.
The tenor's wrapped around the black card.
Give me two fivers. You wait, still they give them
the price. I know, I guarantee I know what
you do. And how much will that be?
Slide it across. You eat grubby paws.
I'll come in like, do you know when?
You eat trouble. John Willie Markham, when he
gets the golden ticket. Yeah.

(48:46):
He's just all dead. Nervous enough?
Yeah. Go home.
Take it to my grand. I'm like, like what we got.
And he's like, who are you? Does your grand never forget
things he likes? Yeah, me.
No, I mean like kebabs or like foods.
Does he ever be like? Yeah.
Does he forget he doesn't like stuff?

(49:10):
Yeah, he does. Yeah.
He has completely changed his palate.
So he used to love, like steaks and all.
And then I cooked the mistake the other night and went, how do
you want that? He said juice layer, and it's
not a word. So I just cooked medium rare.
That's a juicy steak. And the whole time he was like
cutting it open, looking at it and then just staring at me.
And then I was like, do you wantme to cook that again?

(49:31):
He went yes. More juice layer.
Yeah, more juice layer. So he also forgets words
sometimes and I'll just like because that should that kind of
could. Be a word, yeah.
Juice layer. Yeah, yeah, it could convince me
that's a word, but it's not a. Word.
What about hobbies? Like does he know what he was
into before? He still has his pigeons, he
remembers. His pigeons, he remembers.
But not you. No, he don't know where, but

(49:52):
he's so disrespectful because there's the way I'm in his.
House a bit like you're me goingdown for the kebab.
He he knows sometimes. No idea who you are, but
remembers the little grey flyingrats.
Yeah, knows all their names but has no idea who this doesn't
know tradesman in the house is. Doesn't know why this young
thing I think he thinks my nannyjust moved the lover and.

(50:14):
Especially look like a wee. Nanny Lover and I have to go.
Yeah, you're fucking right. So he's been like getting like
arguable Manali. I'm like, right time to go to
bed. So to him I must be very
hurtful. But like my wife's lovers, put
me to bed. He's like, you're a wee fancy
boy, Yeah. I come down and then like, go to
bed now, Norman, come on. He has this thing now.

(50:37):
He's just super pizzelled. He keeps taking my car keys.
He thinks they're his. And I'm like, those aren't
yours. He's like, they are mine.
Everything in this house is mine.
What the fuck did? Does he like be sound to you as
well? No.
It's a fucking prick, which is ashame, but because before he was
a lovely mom. But you.
Can't say he's a prick. You can't.

(50:57):
Anyone who has dealt with anyonewith Alzheimer's know they do
turn into fucking awful people. They're so mean.
Come on man. Not no, just awful by how he
acts and behaves. Other than that, just by his
actions as a human, he's a terrible person.
But this might be a terrible question.
Yeah. I don't mean it to be
insensitive. Yeah.

(51:18):
Does he not like he's not interested in you?
No. Could conceivably could you send
Denzi to your house after this? Would your grandma know it was
somebody different? He would know it's someone
different, but he wouldn't want you to know.
Right. He doesn't know, right?
Because feasibly it could be so you can convince them of

(51:42):
anything. You go, no, sure, this is this
is William. He'll be like, Oh yeah.
What happened to your granny's treasures?
You can change, yeah. Did you have any grandparents?
Yeah, three. Fuck you, man. 33 Who do you
think you are at this age? They're actually quite young.

(52:03):
That's. Right.
Have the phone set can. You lend me a few?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we trade. Yeah I've I've 4 grandpas, no
parents. What a fucking weird.
That's mad, isn't it? Yeah.
It's mad to me that anybody roughy our age, I know not our
our our roughy. We are younger than you, has
grandparents. 10 years old man. You are we old man.

(52:27):
Yeah. Yeah.
What's that over? The hell 40?
Oh, hello. Not 40.
No, but it's just, it's coming. Yeah, it's around the corner.
Yeah. Wendy, you turn 40.
Four years. Four years.
I come with your 40th man. You don't be going.
Why am I not be going? Why am I not be going well?

(52:49):
I'll call your 40th. You will be going.
I'm looking forward to it. I don't care about age.
Genuine. Yeah dominant in an R Kelly but
I I'm getting older and stuff it's fine happens even 30.
I was like this is going to be weird.
It's no different, Yeah. Plus people that are older,
young now, like. Yeah, I'm already at the age if
you're in a night club, you're like, I shouldn't be here.

(53:11):
Yeah, you're too old. Yeah, but you get weird in
nightclubs. What's that mean?
Like you do get a bit like city or something like a bit you get
a look in your eyes that's a bitlike uncomfortable.
For people, OK, straight up, we've never been in a nightclub
together. Dude here's how crazy it is.
It's just I've heard I'm from people that don't even know I

(53:31):
know you. You haven't heard?
You I've heard right. I've heard you get very like,
like, like we've been gone. You get a wee bit, you get a wee
bit gone on me. How do I get gall on me in a
night? Get a bit like Gallon from Lord
of the Rings a bit I've heard. What's What's that mean?
Just very like. Like you're like about biting
people's fingers. No, you're just like.

(53:52):
Looking for rings? Rings and keys you're just like
scuttle about I've heard, and you get very like you.
You will stand near girls that you don't know I've heard and
you're just very like like you. You furrow your bra.
That's what people. Say, stand near them, cut them
off from their furrows. You furrow your.

(54:14):
What Samantha Phase? Drinker, I've heard you for I've
heard you furrow your. Bra, who's Angela?
Why do you keep calling for fucking dance for me?
What's up, darling? Say darling or darling?
Darling. Yeah.
I've just heard you're a bit weird.
And they. That's what you've heard.
Yeah. Not like your granny tell you

(54:35):
this. Yeah.
Through a Ouija board. William is a creep.
Through the Ouija by Sam, you start through the headboard, so
that's different. I say like that one.
What the fuck? Who the fuck said it?
Was just the environment nerds coming in mugging you.

(55:01):
What's the energy rate in this fucking place?
A. Little bit lower now.
I'd never told you that's OK to be joking like that, man.
Sorry. I don't like you're not
respecting that, you know? Yeah, I'd like you to just
forget it ever happened. We don't like a lot of things,
women. What would you like?
What were three things you'd like?
What three things right now? Right.

(55:22):
Hankering for a Caesar salad? Genie 3 wishes.
What's yours? The way you spell?
What's yours, love? Fuck me, fuck me my joints is
away and not for fucks sake. I haven't stopped doing wishes

(55:46):
this year. Like 3-3 wishes.
We're doing like, sorry to be a bollock about it, but we're
doing like, you can't wish for money, you can't wish for love
you. Know like.
Material things, purists. Unlimited Patrol.
Right. Right, this is Denzi's turned
into a Saudi Arabian Prince straight away.

(56:08):
I love. It no, just from a car, not even
the drill, right? OK, I'm not looking for
loopholes here, but. I'd love it if you had an
unlimited source of patrol and all you're doing is filling up
your car. Yeah, you could be funding
nations and you're like, Nah, mate, just filling this.
Clue is not going to drive itself.
I just would be so hot in the garages.
Mr Dinsey, what do you plan to do with all this petrol?
I just mainly do once the contour of McDonald's.

(56:33):
The ability to teleport the. First one useless.
Good point. We're still keeping it though.
Drive for hours or I could teleport.
Fancy we drive. Just planes.
Just. For I love spin, I need to get

(56:54):
the cork. Use this teleporting machine or
this 1.2 litre Yaris. OK, third wise.
The things in kebab shops with the kebabs on however, it's
endless. So you you can shave it and
shave it and never stops. He has that with his card
essentially. I know I didn't want to wish for
the card itself because then it looks like I'm asking.

(57:15):
For it, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just take the the straight
from the source you. Just want an endless big spent
of kebab. Yeah, if that was in the
kitchen, would you come down in the morning just like take a
like bite out of? It no, I'd still have to do the
the the shaving. Like, yes, it cannot be another
wish, just a side wish. Yeah.
The the, the, the thing, the technical term is forward to the
shaver. Yeah, the Shaver.

(57:36):
Right, Willy, who wishes brother?
World Peace because things are dangerous right now.
It's making me sob mate. World Peace a great one.
The wish for. World Peace.
Go for it. Aliens to, if they're real, to
be sound fair. Yeah.

(57:57):
Yeah. Because I believe they're real,
but we don't know how dangerous they are.
Do you would you want like a special relationship with them?
Almost like you're a wee envoy you're like for eyes with.
The point you go down the pub, you're like.
Fucking Mike. What are you having You, Mike?
Michaels here. Steven Gazorpazorp.
Yes mate, what do you want? Yeah 100% fucking get that paint
down you, you fucking 3 headed bastard.

(58:18):
Yeah, stuff like that. But I feel like they they'd be
more open to communicating with you if they see you more than
like anyone boss. Because I'm a goodwill lad, you
know what I mean? No, because you just like,
because you're, you know, quite alien at times.
I never once I've said it's OK for you to jump.
Yeah, if you were green, you could sneak up our no problem.

(58:40):
Or so, so could fucking anyone. Oh, see, if you had a little
lizard stealing or blue, you wouldn't look normal.
Yeah. So aliens to be sound.
World pace. Yeah.
And food. All food is good for you.
Very selfless. Don't matter what.

(59:01):
No, no for me, right. Everyone else puts weight on and
it don't matter what I eat. You just keep looking good.
Yeah, I can go and sneak into his kitchen do.
You think his transformation is inspirational?
No, it's cheating. Are you asking me about the Oh,
there's that. It is cheating.
I'm a purist. I like to go to the gym and lose
weight that way. Yeah, as you can tell.
You don't respect his. No, I mean, if I, you know, I

(59:24):
just the burps put me off. He let a few off of my kitchen
the other day. That's.
What it sounds like I did, like I told you in your kitchen, the
azempic burps are they're awful.Yeah.
They're like sometimes I'll fartto cover up the smell of how bad
the burpees. But if that's the worst part of
it, that's surely OK. That in the The Exorcist level

(59:44):
violent you get sometimes. Because you double dosed, didn't
you? Oh my God, I felt like it was in
transporting like it was. Awful.
Were you broken after it? For like a week straight
everything I ate was just like Iwoke up.
Three, you're great. Now what's that?
You're great. Thank you.
Can you like yourself through what?
Oh my God, could you all day on like that?
I. Think I think it can give you if

(01:00:05):
you they regularly I can give you pancreatitis.
Is that what that's called? A pancreatitis?
Pancreatitis. It's a train station in London.
That can send pancreatitis. I can really fuck you up that
way so I can damage. I can just damage like your
internal organs and shake like apig needs you need your lungs
and your brain. That's.
Why? Yeah, it's internal as well.
So you when you have to look at.You're not bothering anyone.

(01:00:28):
You're real ugly. You shouldn't bother anyone
anyway. Yeah, three what?
3 wishes. Like, based on the fact that
yours are already in play. Do you get me?
Yeah. So you've already yours exist in
the world. What you should we have World
Peace? Yeah.
Like, I've it's very rare I would have an itch, but then

(01:00:50):
never have an itch. Never be itchy.
Right. OK.
It's very rare. I would be anyway.
Yeah. To can I wish for, like, health
from my family? Yeah, I don't want that.
OK, Health for my family. Don't mind to be the referee,
but I think that's one of them in the Aladdin rules.
You can't, no, I think. It is health.

(01:01:11):
I don't think you can. Yeah, you can't.
Sorry, I meant to say. Wealth, Wealth.
No, not wealth. You can't.
You can't wish for wealth. I would like to see water to be
drinkable for everybody in the world.
Right, that's a good one. But then you could drink the
water and there would be no water left.
Right, change that. You know what I mean?

(01:01:31):
Oh, you're like that wee trick genie.
You're like, here's your wish. But that's what I'm thinking,
Paul. Well, genies are all all
tricksters like at the end of the day.
But. The sea levels are rising so it
would actually help, I know. But if because you're not going.
To be able to drink that much water like.
Try me see the kebabs, I get it.Seems the Eagle club hasn't done
their fucking research but they.They can't all over here and I

(01:01:59):
don't know, like all these Dunkin' Donuts and Strong Mills
have a Dunkin' Donuts, but it's like there's no gluten or dairy
in it. Lovely Donuts.
Lovely Donuts for nice Donuts you love love.
Lovely Donuts. I'd have a donut every day.
Easy. I'd have two Donuts a day if I
could see if you. Ever find a genies lab?

(01:02:21):
I'll be fucking rage. When I was in Vegas for the
front and fight, then we're there for three or four days and
every day I would go to Dunkin' Donuts because it was in the
hotel and have two Donuts first thing in the morning, 2 Donuts,
a cup of tea and like Mcmuffin kind of thing.
Their version of that every day.It's incredible.
And that's your wish. I think that's how it got

(01:02:41):
closed, but I loved it like. Fair enough.
Would you not rather just wish for like the eradicate gluten
and dairy or like to get rid of it, You know, so everything's
nice all the time without it or you just go on one shot
eradicate dairy? No snakes in the world.

(01:03:04):
Something like that. How?
Often do they 'cause you problems though.
Well, not me, but just like people.
What's wrong with snakes? To kill people.
So there's. No murder.
How many? Wishes If a snake killed
someone, is it murder? No.
Depends. If an animal kills you, is it
murder? If a snake, sure if it shoots
you. Is murder only between humans?

(01:03:24):
Yeah, that's no, no, because. You can murder an animal and get
done for it. So here's what I'm asking.
Has this ever been asked? Can an animal murder a person?
Yeah, they kill animals for that.
But they wouldn't say that on the news.
Like if a if a Stampede of cows killed someone, they wouldn't
say they've murdered it. They've murdered a farmer.
Does murder not premeditated? Yeah, that's it.
That's what. It might have been premeditated.

(01:03:45):
Yeah, we don't know what they'resaying.
If the farmer's been. Training.
What I mean, if the farmer's been what?
Bombing them. The farmer's been bombing
snakes. Yeah, no, he's.
Snake bomber Snakes have bombs. Yeah, they would are.
You doing amazing if I know her.Head in the fucking environment.

(01:04:08):
With the shit like oh. Fuck that.
I think so. There we go.
I've never seen one in the flesh.
You've never seen one do shit either, yeah?
Going through the Outback. Just a wee snake.
Just a wee paper out. Of the move.
I always think this. Their bodies all muscle.
Not. Is that what it is?
Like they're like, apparently they're 8.
They're very tough because they're all muscle apparently.

(01:04:29):
It's just what I'm hearing really great fine snakes are a
tough. Snack.
Oh, snakes had legs though. But then Garden of Eden, not
Garden of Eden, God. Yeah.
God took his. Legs away.
Fucking baby here. God, yeah, God was like punished

(01:04:52):
it. Yeah, because you were.
We wrap and you told her. They double.
Double you will slip. Did he have legs at that time?
Didn't he? Yeah.
Lovely legs, big. Big human legs.
How many legs you can have? Because if you look at you look
like a centipede, like a long creature like that. 16 is that,
how many is? That is a fact.
Centipede has 16. No centipede 100, but I mean the

(01:05:12):
snake. How much the?
Centipede has 100 legs. Say the name.
Why no? No, don't explain to him.
Explain. Say the name to yourself.
Centipede Century, yeah. Right.
Do you know how many a millipedehas?
1000 series, Yeah, I don't even know that because of the
Inflexion you put on that, the way you said that.
You know. I knew it was going to be a way

(01:05:34):
bigger #6 million million. No, it's 1000.
But then why is it millipede? Because some guys can be fucked
out and they got up. The 700 men finds a million.
Should be 1000 Pete. Doesn't have the same ring to it
though. You.
Just put more legs on it, yeah? Fucking what?
What the Japanese war unit are you?

(01:05:58):
And does anyone have anything that want to plug and promote?
Lazy Boys. Check out the Lazy Boys Live
podcast that will be out by the time this comes out.
Is it coming out? Check out me, Mickey and Shane.
It's a very silly, funny time. Out there in the world.
Yeah, you're going to love it. Dinson.
I have a new live podcast strokegame show though.

(01:06:18):
I was a live podcast stroke gameshow that I'd like to plug.
It's called Wafflers. It's going to be on the 25th of
July in the Accidental Theatre. That's all I can tell you.
Who's going to be taking part? Me and Kieran Franco will be
hosting it, the guests, We have two so far.
We're just waiting to get confirmation from the third one.
But it's both the two options. They're good, they're good.

(01:06:40):
It's like you. Have you not?
The plan is to see how this one goes.
And then we'll, we'll, we'll, I'll get my people and talk with
your people. But have you ever seen Story
Wars? The podcast?
Yes. It's basically not all right.
I haven't seen that one, is it? It's the American comedians.

(01:07:02):
It's like, would I lie to you? Oh.
Yeah, but it's better, I think. So live in the accidental
Theatre? Yes, 25th of the Like the tanks.
But like the tanks, That's right.
Thank you very much boys. Thank you to everybody for
watching and listening.