323. The Bed Breaker with Eshaan Akbar and Marc Jennings

Sippers welcome! This week I'm joined by comedians Eshaan Akbar and Marc Jennings.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
That's a type of. She like she.
Like, I like him. We're on, by the way, 5 seconds.
That's a good start. I tried the same.
He sent me a picture earlier of him having a coffee like he just

(00:22):
landed in Belfast. With what?
The team was me stickling a laptop and I was like on the
Internet at the same time and I just googled like Arabic phrase
of like great stuff or somethingand sent them and he's like,
what the fuck? Says I was like, oh I don't
know, maybe I got the wrong thing.
Because I don't speak Arabic, you just you just got ease.

(00:50):
Must be. Although to be fair, and I don't
know whether this happened like in church or Chapel or whatever
the fuck you guys go to the get to mosque, we'd have to learn
the Quran in Arabic, but no one would tell us what anything
meant. So we identify the letters, read

(01:11):
it and recite it, but no idea what any of it meant.
Welcome. That's what it said, What I
messaged you OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, Miraban. Miraban.
That's what it was. I pretend like you don't know
what it was. No.
No, that's what I remember, whatyou sent me.
It's easy, No. So you read it.
There's no what it means. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice.
But thank you for that. No problem.
Yeah, I like your sticker. I love that you guys know each

(01:36):
other because I had a dilemma ofbut we're all free in the same
day and we're going to have to do 2 separate pods.
And I messaged you both to be like do you like Mark?
Do you like Isha? And you both said yes because
otherwise we couldn't. Nobody told me in the car.
I said you are so. But I love it because I, I, who

(01:59):
am I to say you guys have never met, you know?
So I'd like that. Do you know when you first met?
Yeah. Do you know the story?
No, but I don't think you like Iwas worried.
You don't like me. No.
Channel Asian's the kind of guy will always tell you the story
of how you first met the. Story is good.
The story is good. Is this is it broadcastable?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was a Bonnie
Blue. Cue not.

(02:21):
Far, not far off. Edinburgh, 2019.
I don't remember the year. I'm not really sure what you're
going to see. OK, so watch Sarah.
OK, OK, so one Edinburgh, right?I had just gone through quite a
bad breakup. Yeah, around the time of my

(02:42):
birthday, which falls during Edinburgh Fringe, 14th of
August. That's it.
Yeah, Mains is the 11th. You're there, we're both Leos.
Wow, makes sense. Got quite Leo energy.
Yeah, cent of attention. Yeah, so that particular
Edinburgh, this isn't the end where I met Mark.
That Edinburgh. I met someone at the Fringe and
we had a really intense 3 month fuck relationship.

(03:07):
We broke the bed that she was staying in twice.
Do you think that's because of the amount you were doing it or
because of certain moves you were doing?
Both, right? Both.
I'm seeing like a pile. Driver I was doing a.
Torpedo Stone. Torpedo, right?
So do you want to know what the torpedo is?

(03:27):
Do you want to know what the torpedo is?
Yes. Please, the lady in question
lies on the bed, OK? And you have to be in a standing
position at the edge of the bed and you have to jump and aim.
Aim it in and one. I think that you can't have a

(03:47):
big deck to do that. Yeah, yeah, I don't.
Oh, so the reason? I have.
I have a reasonably sized penis.Yeah.
I think more men should be comfortable saying, you know
what? Yeah.
It's not massive. You're right.
Actually, to be honest, my daddy's Dick is bigger than
mine, right? It's quite embarrassing.
Yeah. And he's not used for 15 years.
Right. He's had to like, decommission

(04:09):
it. Yeah.
But there's been a case. Well.
He's allowed to keep it, he's just not allowed to load it.
It's like, it's like Trident even.
Yeah, yeah, basically. Someone has the code for your
dad's? Deck.
Yeah, and I don't know who it is.
Sippers, this episode of the TeaWith Me podcast is sponsored by
none other than that Price guy. I'm talking about Ireland's

(04:29):
largest prize site, Praise guys,giving away everything.
We're talking £1,000,000 draws right down.
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(04:52):
going on. You can win things like, I'm not
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don't know whether he's done an exotic animal or, or things like
that. Don't we do animals?
Yeah, but I'm just saying like if you asked him to do it, he
would probably do it. 29th of June, £750,000 cash.

(05:15):
I'll give you a trade back in Hollywood, right?
How much is tickets to that then£400?
Currently 2 points 99. Shannon, I'm getting the change
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That's insane that priceguide.co.uk the link for
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(05:37):
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(05:58):
So that's that's a guarantee that if you do kill Toddy,
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Everything's on there. The Monday bonus episodes going
back like 5 years. It's all it's just a big giant
endless pit of tea with me bonuscontent and specials and
exclusive links and all that kind of stuff.
When I put tickets out for SSE Arena show on 24th of April 2026

(06:20):
For the house or not for the house, Hopefully it's a full
house. But the show was called Hold Me
Back. It was exclusive to Patreon day
early. Everyone got an early show for
tickets. Patreon.com says Tea with Me
podcast. Anyway, so this girl and I
amazing, you know, great, three months and we'd fallen in love,

(06:41):
you know, three months, whirlwind, whatever.
Rich came to an end fast. About a year later, I'm in Loft
Bar and there's this tall, handsome Scott chatting to the
said lady. Do you remember?
I don't remember. Yeah.
Chatting to said lady. And somehow it transpired
through their conversation because this particular lady

(07:03):
still had, I don't know whether she still had feelings, but she
definitely, whenever I was in Edinburgh, she would call me up
to try and maybe break another bed.
But it must have transpired thatyou'd learned that we had.
Yeah, put me off. Yeah.
I was just leaving. Wow, you're like, is that the
level? Yeah, but she she keeps getting

(07:23):
higher. You're like, what are you into?
Sounds like low self esteem. To me, climb 20 feet and jump
into me. What?
Higher in terms of what? In terms of like where she needs
people to torpedo off? OK, as opposed.
It needs to be a greater height.As opposed to attractiveness
standard? Yeah, Yeah, you.
Said that you broke the bed justby yourself.
Yeah, I want you. It was it was a heavy Edinburgh.

(07:47):
Hey, late night Palmyra pizza ison the rest.
Too many shwamas. Too.
So she's talking to Mark. Yeah, yeah.
And I think you, you had, you worked.
Had she told you that we were together?
I think I knew that something happened between you and then.
So what I remember is bumping into you later and then trying
to sort of say, oh, look, I think you've seen us talking,

(08:09):
but there was nothing happening.Yeah.
And that was like, yeah. But I think I was too habit to
care, right? Yeah, I didn't care.
And I think. I did not know.
I didn't even know you would have known who I was at the
time. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and you were so sweet about it because you came to me.
You were like, like, you know, this is.
And I'm like, I don't. It doesn't bother me.
You do what you need. You're.
Crying but you're like. Yeah, it's fine.
I'll just cut myself like that, yeah.

(08:34):
Have you done that though? What cut myself?
What recently or in life? Just in life.
No, no. No, it's.
Nice to be back. But yeah, so.
So he acted, you say? He acted real well.

(08:56):
Yeah, really sweet. And I don't think personally, I
don't think you need you need todo that like if you're chatting
to Alas, yeah, unless you know the guy already, right, to
extend them that grace I thoughtwas very.
And you thought that was non broadcastable.
So what's the what's the non broadcastable but?
What? No, no, no.
I was just like, I just standingoff the other.

(09:18):
That was cool, you see. But that's right.
But what was that? What I remember thinking at the
time was that I'd made it worse by doing that right.
And then you hated me because I.You go on because nothing was
happening here. Because I made then I was like I
think nothing you and how yeah yeah yeah told T even know yes

(09:39):
which I wasn't really but I justfelt like dug A deeper hole
it's. Because I burst into tears in
the middle of Loft Bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And everyone's emotions during the Fringe are on edge anyway.
Absolutely. Like the first week, everyone's
having great fun. Yeah, the second week, people
are a bit on edge. Third week, same.
Private Ryan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(10:00):
Start the opening scene of it. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So escaped a couple.
It's tough. Yeah, yeah.
But have you broke up any bed since?
Yeah. So your bed breaker.
Yeah, Heartbreaker and a bed breaker.
Yeah, right. I felt like this one last time
because you know what? I think there's also because I'm

(10:25):
nearing 40, my mum died, have a heart attack quite young.
I genuinely believe I'm going todie having sex.
Right. So I I put in a shift.
A suicide bummer. God, do what you got to do.
He's laughing. It's still it's OK to say.

(10:51):
Fucking. Hell, oh this this this pods
like a one liner walking into a bar.
An Irishman. A Scottish man in Asia.
I was going to say it's been there, but I was clearly not.
Clearly not, because that's the trope and we've got one of each,

(11:12):
but you look to me and went Asia.
An Irish Scotsman, An Arab. The guy with the most RP accent
in the world and whatever. Yeah, yeah, whatever you are.

(11:35):
You're a lovely guy, that's whatyou are.
Thank you. Can I give you a big compliment?
Oh, go for it. So Asian did the part by two
months ago, a month ago, two months ago, something like that.
And on the part he said to me kind of like a weird sort of
intervention where he went your,your hair is too like boyish.
You need to become a man. So he's like, you need to grow

(11:56):
your hair out a bit on top. Can I tell you something right
now? And I mean this, that's where I
marked life. I have not cut my hair on top
since, have you not? No, Yeah, it looks good.
Thank you. There's a bit of volume to it.
But why am I taking advice from this guy?
Well, you shouldn't just have good hair.
I know he has good hair. What I would say to you is this
because I had a similar experience did.
He come up also come up to you in Edinburgh when you said like

(12:18):
I've been chatting to this girl,obviously like never cut your
hair on top because that's volume.
Well, he's got good hair as well.
Thank. You we all have good hair, but I
but I used to have it maybe about the length.
Sorry, he was like, let me get on this conversation.
We all have cushions. Get good hair, by the way.
It's not. Just you 2.

(12:40):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we do. We do.
There's. A good hair trio, yeah.
But I used to, I used to have a bit you're that was probably.
But as long as I would get the way you've got it now, I let it
grow a bit longer. Yep.
And then suddenly I realised it's a lot better if I just grow
it longer and keep it this way. And then I look back at all
pictures and then I go, I can't even believe it's so short.
Yeah, for so long. Yeah, I can do a lot more with

(13:01):
it. So I would say don't be.
Don't be afraid to go even further.
You look like a powder man. I'm a I'm a powder man.
Not on my hair. No, no, no, I've always changed
the subject. Is that a cultural reference?
I don't know. Powder.
Yeah, like Coke. Which actually I'm not, by the
way. No, no, no.
I don't think you're. I don't know.

(13:22):
I think that the way you. Yeah, I.
Put powder on my hair and then Hairspray and blah blah blah.
But we're going to do. Yeah, but I I need to get in.
You just got to see it through. Yeah, You got to go through that
period where it gets a bit rocky.
We were like, I don't know aboutthis, and then come with the
other side, which is. Where you Where does your hair
grow the most? Which bit cut my head.
Where are you out with the sides?

(13:42):
Did he get to Maine? Goes everywhere after the sides.
I get wispy, say I get we bettergo over my ear and.
Then OK. So I'm I'm I'm still just
getting achieved. Yeah, that's the bit that
sticks. Out.
Is that OK? Are you shown if I do that?
Yeah, the bit that sticks out the most tested, but you've got
to cut in. For me, it's the back of the
crown that. He showns my hair is Ally.
Yeah, yeah, it just tells me what to do with.

(14:02):
My look listen, how do you? 37 couple of days ago oh.
Happy birthday. How do you?
How do you? It's the oldest man in Glasgow.
Is a tough paper now I'm 34. OK, Yeah, so you.
Get pension in Glasgow for that right?
Pretty much. At 40, if you can get a head

(14:25):
headline like this, yeah. Are you 40?
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Yeah, I'm 40. I didn't know you're 40.
But. No, no, no, there's not.
There's nothing so common. I OK.
I think you look a lot younger. Than oh, thank you very much.
No problem. He's very sweet, isn't he Did.
You have existential crisis of any kind.
When you had 40, was that a big deal?
I see you having a lot of mini crisis crisis and then I so I

(14:49):
don't think you would have a bigone of 40.
I can see every couple of weeks you just have a crisis.
And where did you draw this conclusion from?
Just your eyes. Just.
Yeah, Dead. Broken.
I'm posting on that sort of stuff.
It's all the cutting. Papa Roach over there.

(15:09):
I no I didn't have an existential thing at 40, but
you're not far off. I spend at least three days a
month feeling quite sad about myself.
It's a. Long time.
That's like, oh, three days a month.
Yeah, that's why I thought you said three days a week.
Three days a month. Still quite a long time.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a 10th of the
month. You're sad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good maths.

(15:30):
Thank you. You know, we get impressed with.
Yeah, good maths. Yeah, that's Chinese.
Algebra was invented by the Muslims.
What was it? That's why it's called algebra.
It'd be funny if you Google that.
That's not a joke. Words beginning with Al.

(15:50):
Muslim alcohol, alcohol, Algebra, alchemy.
Alan. No, not Alan.
Yeah, they're all found in the Muslim world.
Al Alimony. Yes.
So any any al thing. Pretty much.

(16:10):
All about Vin and the Chipmunks.One of yours those three years.
One of the chipmunks maybe? Yeah, not all of them, Theodora.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of an Arabic.
Vibe How would you describe the Arabic vibe say?
Cultured. It.

(16:32):
Took me far too long to put the owl in front of van in the
chipmunks on my head. I was like.
It's been in the chipmunks. By the way, it's good, it's good
to be in, in Belfast when you'reyou guys are having race riots
in Ballymena. Well, that's a bit of fun.
Is that why I'm? Great.
We thought you were coming yesterday.

(16:55):
Yeah, I would just see, you know, the way normally you
explore and the city and that kind of thing.
See, after this, I just go straight to the gig.
Yeah, I go straight to the gig. Show the green room till the
show starts. Well, tomorrow I'm being taken
on a tour of murals and the slums, apparently.
Have you? You haven't done a Belfast taxi
tour before? No, Mark, have you done that?
No, but I would go. I would go with you.
Is your company that's good. I wouldn't.

(17:17):
You wouldn't know what? Go with me or just go.
Go with you, go on your designated one.
What? Definitely not a trap.
Oh yeah, I was. Do do that.
The Belfast taxi tour is brilliant.
The last time I just went in thefalls last time and looked to
the Bobby Sands middle and went home that was.
Mad. I think walk, like walking
around exploring it yourself is good when you do the taxi tour,
like see these guys know what they're talking about because

(17:40):
they they did it. Being for Glasgow and stuff like
that, it's nice to come here andjust fill in the blanks of what
are the songs mean. It's kind of like you painted
what you were reading and fucking yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Is it like, is it like if you're
an Elvis fan going to Graceland?Basically, it's like I've, I've
been singing these songs my entire life and then no, you
know, I mean. Well, I didn't.
I still don't fully understand it that one of the last times I
was in Belfast, I think you might know him, Mick Conlan,

(18:03):
string Ninjas. He was playing at the John
Hewitt and I was really drunk and I said to him you are simply
the best. And I started singing simply the
best. And then Joe and then Mick and
his mate told me to shut the fuck up ASAP.

(18:24):
You'd have honestly been better.I've seen Allah Akbar at that.
Point really. Can you explain why that was
bad? It's simply the best has been
hijacked a bit. What's a Ranger song it's been?
Brought in the loyalist song It's a Ranger.
Song so they just they play it before coming.
No, no, it wasn't written as that, Yeah.
Tina Turner wasn't thinking about.
Tina Watson. Giovanni van Broncos.
You think about Broncos. Some of the loyalist songs,

(18:50):
they'll, they'll take existence,they'll remix existence songs,
you know what I mean? Like they're they're more
reworking songs. Tina Turner doesn't actually
have a line in it that says fuckthe Pope and the IRA, that is.
I actually like. I don't know about this one.
Thing. Yeah, OK, fine.
She's like you. You can't tell me.
Anything they're taking like established songs and just

(19:11):
rewriting them and. They'll tell you, else they'll
love UB40. Do that.
One you wouldn't think. Of UB40.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should love them too.
Loyalists do love UB40. Would they ever do like a remix
of like the the one Asian song you all know?
Can I do this Punjabi MC Yeah, yeah.

(19:37):
Would they ever? Would they ever?
Honjabi MC. We could do that.
Could you do it on a flute, did you think?
Anyone. The thing is, even Catholics
would watch footage of me like that's banging for brilliant.
Pretty good to be. Fair Zippers.

(19:57):
This episode of the Team With Mepodcast is sponsored by none
other than our friends over at manscape.com.
I'm not talking about the numbertwo.
I'm not talking about the numberthree.
I'm talking about the number oneand man's below the belt
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(20:20):
the gentleman. Do you know I'm talking the
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you're probably going OK, right?I get your point.
It's a it's a shaver for your pubic region.
You go. You got to wait till you're
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It's waterproof. You could be in the Shard doing
it. Oh, what happens if the part I'm

(20:41):
in the Shard of the park goes out in my house and I'm trimming
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So there's a lot you do with it.Am I wrong though?

(21:03):
You can shave a lot with it. Yeah.
But what I'm saying is it's, youknow, the the it's quite a sleek
design. Would you agree?
It's it's very sleek and fashionable, yes.
Hmm, a little bit of phallic. Phallic.
Bolding down a bit phallic, is it?
It's all right to say it's a bitphallic.

(21:24):
Phallic Ferguson that I had dropped in your first go without
the read manscape.com use the code T with me for 15% off and
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Check it out. I mean, The thing is, is really,
you can't deny some of the best.That's a good song.

(21:44):
It's a banger. There's a banger of his stuff.
As in which song? The original.
Or the exit the original as a banger, Yeah.
I always think, like, what wouldyou be able to want to listen
here, that one song or the entirety of Irish music?
I'll take the entirety of Irish music, thank you very much.
Do you get involved in sectarianism at home?
Oh yeah, yeah, no, I no, of course not.

(22:05):
Like it's, I always, the thing Ialways say about Glasgow is I
think like, 'cause we, we've been so detached from the
reality of it all, I think like,it's almost sort of embarrassing
how much people are in it because like, we're like fucking
cosplaying compared to right, you know, people have to deal
with it really and stuff like that.
But what, what is nice, but Belfast and Glasgow, they have
really like similar cities and Ialways love coming here and

(22:26):
gigging and stuff like that. Yeah.
And it's good. Just that like people like, is
it only other place in the worldthat gives a fuck about Scottish
football? Yeah.
Oh yeah. Because I was doing this.
By the way, by the way, not the whole league.
No Celtic Rangers. Like you're not fun.
You're not going to chat about like St.
Mirren. No, no.
No, no, St. Mirren.
'S tactics. Yeah, Alloa.
Yeah, but I was in because I wastalking last night.

(22:49):
I've got I was doing about last night, but women's football and
I think it's good. Like because encourages.
No, that's not a joke. Oh, OK.
But no, I think it's good because it encourages like more
women to go and watch. Like because I because I went to
one of the last Celtic Rangers women's games.
It was just nice to hear sectarian singing and tune.
The first thing I've ever had the rendition of the Belly Girl

(23:09):
was. Interesting, to be honest.
Like I don't know enough about the Troubles.
I should know more. Having been born and raised in
England, I. Think you need to know more?
And being on a bus on the way tothe NatWest tower.
The NatWest tower got bombed andI don't.
Know if you were what? What?
You were on a bus on the way there.

(23:31):
What do you mean? My mum was taking me into
central London, right, and the bombing happened and we took the
bus and I felt the bus shake andI was like, this is a nice.
Feeling. When was this?
19969596 I'm going to say. Like the season of terrorism

(23:53):
9596. The season of terrorism was 2002
thousand and one that was like the at the beginning of 2001,
2002 season actually. But that was like more when like
the English First Division became the Premier League
changed for the. Have you seen this, the Barclays
man? Stuff of like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(24:13):
All the Twitter cuts of like prime Barclays players, yeah,
that's like we needed 2000, 2001cut of like Bin Laden Barclays,
man. Yes.
Number like, not Barclays, but like.
Who is the guy that used to Abu Hamza the hook for the hand they
used to talk about him in fucking most.
Of these podcast, me being on here and I was talking about

(24:35):
fucking Abu Hamza. They used to talk about having
not the week, like every single week.
Yeah, how does that happen? Nowhere has Abu Hamza been
mentioned more than on this podcast when I'm on in all my
career. Was it, what was it?
Was it the Mausai cleric with a hook for a hand, That's what.
I'm saying yeah, yeah. It's like somehow I've turned

(24:58):
up. And my celebrity mastermind
topic is Abu Hamza. They would look at you a bit
like you can't answer questions about yourself.
He made Dave out. So me, Dave and Ishan did a
podcast movement Dave out and werealised that Dave looks a hell
of a lot like. Abu Hamza, yeah.
Abu Hamza, we made him do an impression of 10 out of 10.

(25:19):
Yeah, it was. It was terrifying how I career.
Yes. Really good.
Wow. What was your mastermind
subject? Master main subject may honestly
be AI. I'm Alan Partridge.
Yeah, I'm a big Partridge head and I've listened to the books
on us and I've watched it all. I would.
Maybe I need to brush up on someof the stuff, but I think Alan
Partridge I would go. For he was Steve Cookman was

(25:40):
doing the BBC comedy conference.It was in Belfast couple of
weeks ago and I tried the interview but then.
What do you mean you tried to interview what happened?
So what are you doing? They asked me what I do.
So I'm not a panel guy, right? Sitting on panels.
Dan was on a panel. He like, revealed to us by
mistake a couple of weeks ago. He did some podcast panel at
Queen's University. I was giving him stick for

(26:02):
calling him like the panel. What was that panel about then?
What was that? What was it about?
It was. Just young people looking to get
into podcasting and radio. And you were saying?
Yeah, leave it, Leave it alone. So so I was like giving him
Stack training in the moon, calling him like panel guy, my
nickname given skills are great,but like panel guy and all this
kind of stuff. And then the week later BBC said
would you sit on a couple of panels for the comedy

(26:24):
conference? And I said I don't do that, but
if I can interview Steve Coogan,I will.
Can I ask why you don't do that?Why do you not like system
panels? I don't know, like how to be OK.
You know, you're on stage, but then you're not trying to make
people laugh, right? You're kind of being half

(26:44):
serious now. It's not a yeah, but you've
been, you've been nasty there. Or did you mean this is a
different format? As a full that is like.
Do you promise that's what you meant?
Yeah. Yeah, For a Mark's life.
For a Mark's life, right? We're being too flippant for a
Mark's life, but yeah. But I'm comfortable here.
But then you go to this thing. It's All in all industry people.

(27:05):
Yeah, right. So I just don't like yourself
see this. Like did you ever think, would
you ever do Question Time? He would love.
I was in the audience of Question Time once, yeah.
Did you try and ask question? I asked a question.
What's going on? Yeah.
What's your question? Who's your question to Cameron?
The Battle. The Battle List.
Yeah, but was there any big names on there?

(27:25):
This is a great honey. Welcome.
What was your question? I don't know.
It was there. Would you go to that like I
didn't? Know, I think it was something
about the economy. It's to the worst.
It's a good story. I shall save the story.
Would you go do a lot of stuff like are you gay?
Go do all that stuff like that. No, not no.
But I do a lot of panels. I sit in a lot of panels.

(27:48):
I love being a panellist. Love bed.
Yeah. Yeah, also, but I think as a
comic, panels are so fucking easy because the the, the
tiniest thing that you say, there's a little bit humour is
that Oh my God, this guy's a fucking.
Oh, I tried it and they didn't like it at the Belfast at the
comedy conferencing. First of all, no one there was

(28:09):
like from Belfast. Everyone like travelled over
from different parts of the fucking foreigners.
So coming over here still not rolls.
So one of the the so Eddie Doyle, who's head commissioner
BBC in London was hosting it. He's wearing a thick pair of
glasses. They show a sketch of mine at
the start and then he comes to me for like a question about the
industry or something and I throwing out a bit of like low

(28:31):
hanging banter to just get them going.
I said, first of all, Eddie, appreciate you lending me your
glasses for the sketch. Nothing, nothing.
And it was just then it was just.
And then did you just lose your nerve a bit then?
Yeah, I said, I said I will do all these panels if I can
interview Steve Coogan. They went.
We don't know if you're going tobe able to do that, I said.
We'll just ask anyway and then Ididn't get to do it, but I still

(28:53):
have to do all. The part Did someone get to
interview Steve Coogan? A commissioner or something
from? Someone, someone, someone with
thick a thick pair of glasses. Yeah, maybe you should get a
thick pair of glasses. I think so.
Yeah, I can. I don't think a thick pair would
suit you. I think you'd need like a
thinner pair. Yeah, I know.
Why the? Compression girl, you keep
adding little things to my look.So it's their hair.

(29:13):
You want me in glasses? Let me tell you what it is by.
The way if I have glasses and I grow my hair, I'm going to start
looking like you. Oh yeah, people are going to
mistake you and me all the. Time and I have started growing
this beard. Yeah, yeah, it just looks
fantastic. I said that I sent it in the
what's up group of friends last night and I'm a lot.
Just be honest about the beard. I thought I look like I said, I

(29:34):
thought I look like 1/3 tier Portuguese footballer who goes
to Hibs and doesn't play much. You have somehow grown a Chinese
goatee. I meant.
I meant. Just because you've done that
doesn't mean you can do that. That's no on shame.

(29:59):
I couldn't sound more like an elderly Chinese man you've.
Given me Chinese vibes. Yeah, like because the Chinese
aren't famous for being her suit, are they?
No. But do you think the more I do
you think it might be something or do you think this is as good
as it look? I think you could grow the Tash
anymore. Yeah, on track and.
You'd look I didn't look good with the.

(30:19):
Time this is this is about 10-11days.
Sorry. Oh.
That's 11 days growth. Yeah, you've got, you've got a
kind of baby face, Shin. Yes, thank you.
Yeah, you. Do have a baby face?

(30:42):
But we can't. We can't all grow.
Beard OK. I just thought I would get a
little bit of backing for this. That might be something the.
Thing is, is I think you're a very handsome man, Thank you.
But because of this, the status that you have now got and the
man you have become. As an old Chinese man.

(31:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
Like an elder statesman of. Always them.
Yeah, of of comedy and particularly Belfast.
Yeah. You know, I like the fact that
you keep it humble. You're like, listen, I'm just
auditioning to be in a boy band.Yeah, right.
But I think you can grow into your status as a 37 year old

(31:24):
man. Yeah.
With a baby face. Yep.
Handsome. Right now, I think you're doing
yourself a slight disservice. Mark, be honest.
What do you think? Just be honest.
So you're saying he needs to keep it queen shaven?
Well, we can try with the moustache.
I don't think the the what the moustache.
Moustache. Moustache.
Yeah, you say moustache. Moustache.

(31:46):
What did I say? Moustache.
Yeah, you're putting the emphasis on the moustache.
Yes, sorry, in terms of the accent wars that we've got going
on right now on this fucking episode, yes.
You can do proper English what I'm.
Saying automatically. In terms of you think just you

(32:07):
didn't get rid of this but. Get get rid of that bit yeah and
keep growing a hair longer and see how them.
Essentially, you know about, canyou, about what are you, your
appearance at the moment, Shin? I'm in, I'm just in this in
between stage. Yeah, and it gets intimidated
when I'm here. I do sexually, yeah.
Yeah. Because the top pedo himself.
Because The thing is, I get it. If you start, if you start
climbing on top of that chair. Make sure you pronounce the tour

(32:28):
in that. The thing is, I think what
people people get surprised by myself confidence because
they're like, you do know what you look like, right?
But I I I am quite a confident dude.
Yeah, absolutely. And my appearance and my.
Style and you have wisdom a. Bit of wisdom, yeah, Yeah, say,
I'll just try to impart. You're the fun guy at the party,

(32:50):
I would say. I'm the fun guy at the party.
And you are actually, I mean this a very nice colour.
I do mean nothing. Thank you.
It's a really nice colour, like it's like a rich colour.
Yeah, it's a rich colour. Rich Brown.
It's like a clay. Is clay?
Is clay a rich brown? Yeah, I think I'm off the hook
for this. You see, Bummer come in and I

(33:10):
don't thank fuck for that. I'm not getting involved in this
one. Can't be so far down you.
It's dark. It'd be dark clay, wouldn't it?
I'm the colour of the the pot isbefore you put in the kiln.
Yes, I've always said that. Will you boys have dinner
tonight? These things together.

(33:32):
Yeah, probably. Yeah, I imagine so.
But then I get the feeling that you like to do your own thing,
and I've said that, and now you feel like you gotta have dinner
together. I do like to do my own thing,
but the reason I normally would like to do that is if I'm trying
to stay healthy, yes, and I wouldn't want to be judged for
it. But at the moment I'm kind of
like, Evan's a bit fucked. So sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever you're going to say,

(33:53):
you're right. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, I'm usually I'm
trying to stay healthy, but Asian's here so I might give up
on my life. I just eat a load of shit with
this fat prick. But I'm just.
We're going to eat a kebab for astar with a pizza for a main.
Are you going to go to Little Italy?
I was sort of hoping that would.I need to go to Little Italy.
You do. I need to get Little Italy.

(34:15):
Little Italy. Pizza spot Little Italy.
Little Italy, Why are you sayingthat Little Italy?
Little Italy dinner, I could see.
I could see you guys have a nicedinner together.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, What kind of dinner
do you envisage us having? Chinese.
I think you should talk about mybeard.
Yeah, But yeah, maybe like a nice Chinese.
Maybe you go like authentic Chinese.

(34:36):
Maybe you go to Lee Garden in Belfast.
Speaking of restaurants, I wouldlike to raise a slight
adjustment I would like to make to restaurant etiquette right.
I don't think people should be sitting opposite each other if
it's in a 2, I think it's quite combative.
No, there's no way you so you'resaying if we're if we're at A4

(34:57):
seater as a two, you're going tosit directly beside me, we're
going to face the same way. In an L shape.
I'm interested in your logic 1stand then I will critique this.
I think you should sit in an L shape because I think it's more
conducive to a more open, honestconversation, whereas if you're
across each other, you're a bit far away from each other.
It doesn't seem as cosy, and also I think there's more space
on the table if you're on an L. What do you mean an Li?

(35:19):
Know what he means? But then every table in a
restaurant needs an L shape. What if there's four people
coming then? There's two LS. 7.
People make a bigger table. Seems like a lot of adjustment.
No, it doesn't. It does.
No, because you've got, if it's seven, you've got 2L's like that
and then three across there. I don't agree.

(35:42):
I think it's better to be more. Out of the three of us, who's
more inherently more likely to have an ability in terms of
setting up a restaurant? True.
Thank you. Oh, Shane, he's getting most
money. I apologise, that's not.
Correct. But I would pay him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he'd be.
We're about time watching. You show up with that accent,

(36:05):
I'm like, no. No.
No, you know what to do. Change restaurant the door
people. Like you know what to.
Do Shane's restaurant the door and then everyone would go there
because you know what, because the guy that owns this, he's an
authentic Chinese money. They've got an agent, waiter.
You better you call everybody myfriend.
Yeah, you have to. Yeah, in which accent?
You pick. What kind of cuisine is it?

(36:31):
I think I do like a like a pretty general kind of thing,
you know? What does that I know what that
means? Gastro, I don't know, I can't
think of a speciality. Rest I don't, I don't like see
see a gastro pub. I know it's meant to me.
I don't I don't like the name gastro it reminds me of.
Of intestinal problems. Yes, exactly.
What would you call it instead? I've got, well, I don't know,

(36:54):
pub grub. Food Pub, Yeah.
Food pub. Not even a fan of the the phrase
pub grub I love to be honest. Grub doesn't.
Grubs, do you want to hear it? Scram.
I quite like. Scott, I don't.
I prefer scan and grub, but I know what you mean.
Do you totally of subject? Have you seen the guy who does
the Scottish Donald Trump videos?

(37:16):
No I don't. Donald Trump was Scottish and he
does good Trump impression. That's that's like the idea
though I don't know how you thought that as there's a joke
in Scotland that like every likeScottish thing is just like what
if. Scottish was Scottish.
What if X was Scottish? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, So what does he do it?
And I did he do it. And Donald Trump's accent is
doing. Donald Trump's accent right talk

(37:38):
to it. We daft these all this kind of
stuff but Nature 3 has comes up my time.
I'm sure it's quite entertainingso.
You're doing it. I'm just keep your accent for
this. Yeah, I'm just confused by the
concept of this. So he speaks like Donald Trump,
yes, but says Scottish things, Yes, like haggis.

(38:01):
No more like talking about the way team going out and all this
kind of Scotland and here have like we bit of a link you would
understand. See some some some more stuff.
As an Englishman you would really understand that.
Thank you for seeing me. Are you?
I said that. Fucking hell.

(38:26):
Are you gigging all? Are you doing a fast?
Are you doing? Is anyone doing the fringe in
the summer? I'm doing the Fringe in the
summer. Edinburgh new show.
What faulted to the film? Do you just commute from
Glasgow? But.
Not their fault because it wouldbe an 8 minute bill.
An hour and a half. I bet they're them back every
day. So we we'd always lucky we
managed to get accommodation. Basically a guy came in my show

(38:47):
a couple years ago and he walkedin these this apart these
apartments and so we got a decent deal.
So it's different. It's good because it.
Means does he be there though? Yeah.
Is he? No, it's like a, it's like a,
it's, it's like, you know, thesesort of modern serviced
apartments, but it's kind of someplace like halfway between a
hotel and like flat cana. Yeah.
But does he have? A part hotel?
What's that? A part hotel.

(39:07):
Yes. Is that what it's called?
Yeah, part hotel, Yeah. They could do better.
Than that apartment. Yeah, whole apartment.
Whole apartment. Whole apartment?
Does he? Does he?
Yeah, the whole apartment is great.
Does he have like any agreement?Like is he allowed?
Did you show up at any? Point No.
No case. Are you comfortable?
No, it's, it's absolutely fine. We get our own places at
reception. But The thing is, he's a
receptionist. He's at reception.
Reception. Well, he's the manager, OK,

(39:28):
Yeah, but there is a reception. There's a German on that.
And this place is fucking unbelievable.
But the first time we've done it, we, we got money off because
we agreed to do a gig and the hotel lobby.
All right? And then the French, which we
ended up doing to like 10 peopleand a dog and but it was, it
was. Staying in the hotel,
presumably. Yeah, they're just people.
No one knew it was even really happening, right?

(39:49):
Yeah. It was actually quite good.
They were in the lobby, Yeah. And then stand up.
Stand that happened, yeah. The best part like the gag was
when they let the dog out and inthe courtyard and it was just
run the boat and that's what most.
People, that was the best part of.
The game, that's what. Most people say when you're in
school and there's a dog in the playground.
Absolutely brilliantly. It was great, but.
Everybody at the window like they've never seen the dog.
Well, I've never had that experience.

(40:10):
A horse came loose in the schoolonce.
Right, Well, that tells us a lotabout you in the school, the
upbringing. Fact that suggests that there's
a horse just there that isn't the worst most.
Yeah. 4/4 horse in your school. Yeah, doing what?
Like a question. Is this an?
Equestrian at school, you have it.

(40:30):
In your timetable you have equestrian, Yeah.
I didn't do it because they wouldn't let me climb on the.
Horse equestrian time. That's my question but can't
remember what it was. What I just nobody wanted to do
it. There were just.
People wanted to do it. Oh yeah, It was a private school
in London, of course. So that's the mental of London
and they've got a couple of horses now.

(40:51):
Four horses. That's crazy.
That's mad. What else was, like anything
else, out of the ordinary on thetimetable?
There's lots of Latin. Kerberos.
Yeah, habeas corpus, all that kind of stuff.
Yeah, you. You if you were in Latin times
you would say there was a Kerberos at the gig.
Kerberos, yeah, right. Yeah.
So there's a Latin and also frommy school, one of the famous

(41:15):
alumni was some of. Abu hams it.
No, it was Osama bin Laden's head of strategy, the guy who
masters a. Barclaysman of terrorism.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ahmed. Sheikh moving to New York by the
wombats over the top. Yeah, come up, Ahmed Omar Saeed
Sheikh. And he was in your class.

(41:35):
No, he wasn't in my class. He was 10 years older than me.
But you're still friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're saying what's up, groups? Was that I patch it off for him
in the. The groups called not terrorism.
Is it or is it? Dude, I'm on horseback making

(41:56):
plants. It's Casey that even like al
Qaeda, it was all like it's likewhen you find that everybody in
comedy in London's or posh. It's like even those like as I
there's, there's nearly what in class Terrorists.
Yeah. There there are because even Bin
Laden himself was like came froma very rich family.
The Bin Laden family is super. Wealthy them in the bushes.

(42:17):
Yeah, but the women, Yeah, even terrorism, you've got to be.
It's crazy. You've got to be well educated
and so people think terrorism iseasy to do.
I'm not want to talk about this defence.

(42:37):
It takes planning and organisation.
Do you know where we are right now?
We're in. Hollywood, this is a sanctuary.
Right, you see. It's all good.
It's a safe zone. It's all good.
I do like this is what I think that is very cool.
But the 1L thing, you know that.And yeah, Holly would say you've
made that. Which is why called the studios

(42:58):
one else. No, I get.
I get it. I didn't.
I didn't. I hated it, actually, to be
honest with you. Really.
Yeah. You hated that we play on this
one L thing. Yeah, right.
What would you like us to do? Because, you know, I'll change
it to whatever you want to grow,right?
Yeah. Your name.
The wood. Studios, would you go on a

(43:18):
holiday after the Fringe or anything?
Because people do that. People need something after the
Fringe. Well, I used to see when I used
to do the French, I was always wanting stuff, so I wouldn't.
I would just take on my annual leave to do August.
And what? Were you doing?
What was your? Job.
I still got the call centre. In minor I bind.
And bounce, it wasn't as bad butas customer service stuff, so
you just get people. Screwed.
Can you? Just put on the accent.

(43:39):
What accent? Do you know?
Come on. Hello.
My name is something. But sometimes people, I would
get a lot of of English folk that would complain that they
couldn't understand me and I would say well I'll pass you
through on Newcastle branch then, good luck with that.
Yeah, that's ask for you back. What can you say?

(44:02):
What company was? It was esure car insurance, so
it was interesting, like yeah, Iwas just, you'd get a lot.
It was just customer service. You got a lot of complaints.
But The thing is, if anyone's ever worked in a call centre,
like I think one of the houses parts about it as like you don't
know what's coming. You know, at some point during
the day people will be screamingat you for some reason and you
don't know why. So it's just every, it's every

(44:23):
call. And then I used to do these
shifts where you do 4 hours straight without a break
sometimes and that was just likeyou're just, it's like just
putting your head bore water forthe entire time and then coming
out. So you just need.
Water boarding. Yeah, you don't.
You don't get a break basically so.
Yeah, I I worked in a point. Oh, that would be.

(44:44):
Whole centre. Is that is that company?
Fake. No.
Is that like you were calling people cold?
Cold calling people. Wow, for what's on behalf of a
charity. Which charity?
It was different every couple ofmonths.
That's what the company did. If you had fundraising for a
charity they would do it and it was for Irish charities and it
was I Bone was fucking. Horrific.

(45:06):
Did you have? Did they give you a script or
did you have to script? And I still reckon I could do
you. You just become a robot.
I was like this. Be perfect.
I'll do material on the side you.
Bring, bring. OK, make the outbound called.
I'll answer. OK, Hello.
Hold on, I haven't rang it yet. Is Shane going to do the accent?
The one Heath, Daniella. Hello.

(45:28):
Hello. Hello.
Is that Isha? Yes, speaking.
Hi, John. My name's Shane.
I'm calling on behalf of. Let Me Think Of.
One bye. We need a bit more preparation.
To call you back. But do you know why they would
have it in places? Like do not answer in a
hypothetical role. Hello.
Hello. Hello.
Is that Isha? Yes, we can Go fuck yourself.

(45:54):
Yeah, you become. You become a robot.
When you have a script, you become a robot.
The thing I used to hit the mostbut button in the call centre is
that you would only get 5 minutes for to go to the
bathroom and it would take you, take you a minute, take me a
minute to walk to the bathroom and a minute back.
Because you were fat. So no, because that's how far
away the bathroom was. We went to the Wetherspoon.

(46:14):
So if I needed a shit I have 3 minutes to do the shit and then
if you if you were late for your.
How long would you like ideally?I mean, I managed to get it
down. An exact science if need be.
Bullshit yourself. You want more than that?
Yeah. Oh yeah.
How long? How long can you do a satisfying
shit in minimum? It depends.

(46:37):
It depends. Can I tell you 2 minutes?
2 minutes. Really.
What are you doing? How?
Long do you spend in the bathroom in the morning?
In the toilet. On the toilet. 2 minutes really
Max 2 minutes. How long do you spend?
What are you doing? You're on your phone, master.
Yeah, I'm 20 minutes. No.
Yeah, 1520. Minutes too long. 20 to. 15 I
think 10 maybe? Pins and needles in your feet.

(46:59):
Yeah, that you do get out. Not anymore.
You can't feel it. I used to be.
Nom yeah, 1520 minutes I'd spendin the morning.
I have shit once a day in the morning.
OK, what? About the rest of the day.
Don't need to shit. Just in the morning, Yeah,
that's healthy. Yeah, just once in the morning.
I don't understand because also I we wash.

(47:22):
So I think over the years. Do you?
Sorry, what? Do you wash your ass after a
shit? Hold on in like AB day kind of
thing, yeah. Or a bomb gun.
Bomb gun. Bomb gun, you know, Have you
been to the Middle East? Yeah.
They would not use just bomb guns.
Is that not free drink? I just put soda water.

(47:49):
Yeah, bomb gun. So I've got bomb guns in every
bathroom in the house. Wow.
Oh, every, I thought you said. I thought you meant every room
in the house. I was.
I guess that's excessive. Yeah, everybody.
Are you doing any recent holidays this year?
I'm going to Portugal and then I'm going.
To Malaysia, were you in Villamora?

(48:09):
Villamora, Portugal Were you in this month?
Portal Albuera Albufeira Albufeira Oh I.
Fear a bit roughly. Is it?
Yeah. Why I?
Don't know, Villamora is closer and it's just a.
Better. Have you been to Albufeira?
Yeah. And what?
What's rough about? I've been the stag there.
Did you? Maybe that's why it was rough.
And one of the guys we're with got bottled and denied that he

(48:30):
got bottled. And we were like.
Bottled by Who can see? The bottle by an angry man.
For what reason? Another guy from Northern
Ireland. Genuinely, that he didn't know.
So what isn't it is rough is because there's.
Other. People there exactly he got
bottled he was like no didn't everyone's like made a bottle in
your. Head I don't think the Northern
Irish people see me as one of their own.

(48:51):
Come on. Yeah, I don't think.
I think when we're out there. One more part appearance.
Yeah. And suddenly I'm in.
Yeah, I mean. Yeah, there's an Old Town in
Newtown. The old times, all right.
Sorry, how many towns are there?The Old Town in the Newtown town
in Albufeira. Oh, there's the Old Town,
Newtown. Go to the.
Go to the old time. In.
The New Times a couple of nightclubs.

(49:13):
Yeah, OK. No, I don't think you'll like
it. Are you a cubby person?
No, no. Are you used?
To it used to be. I used to be, but yeah.
As much as anybody like. But I didn't.
I didn't love it, I suppose. Yeah, but there.
But like not. But is that the case here?
Like you see in Glasgow, there'sthese places, no and all the
younger people go and it's like it's just a bar like we're like

(49:35):
someday by guitar know that. And it's like, but it's open
till 3:00 in the morning. So instead of like being a
nightclub environment, it's justlike a bar environment that's
open nightclub others. Did you used to go to the
arches? Yeah, I went a few times for the
garage before it shot. Yeah, the garage, it would go
all. These clubs in Glasgow.
The arches was like a big I was,I've never been a big drugs guy
or whatever, but when I was about 1819 it was still open and

(49:56):
it would be. Evidenced by you saying drugs
guy. It was a big, it's a big waving
place and all that stuff and it was like you get shut, shut
down. But that was.
Wasn't there an Elvis in the Picklewood?
Mario and like a pretend ceremony.
I think they would do different nights there.
So I think that may have been one of them and you could do
that kind of stuff and there's abouncy castle and all this kind
of shit. But no, that was fun.

(50:16):
There's a glass was good for thenight in the garage and all that
sort of stuff. There's good night club sale and
it was fun. But like, I mean, I don't know
my. I'm glad that I'm too old for it
now because I just couldn't handle anymore.
No such thing mate. You still going?
Oh yeah, last one of the last times I went out clubbing I got
fingered in the mouth. You get fingered in the mouth.

(50:38):
Yeah. So it got to about 4:30 in the
morning. Well, she would say, someone put
their fingers in your mouth, yougot.
Actually, they're called them Torpedo.
Yeah, I got finger in the mouth.It was 4430 in the morning and I
still wasn't done because I'd already had some MDMA, so I
wanted to continue. We'll pretend we know what that
is. Fun stuff and and and I wanted

(51:02):
to go to this other bar, other club in club.
We're, we're, we're in London. I was in London.
We're in fairness. No, no, in Venice that that
wasn't open to 18. I have been there on this.
Difference. It's crazy.
There was a club fair. Enough.
In fairness, it's a place in Clapham.
It's like a club that's good. That was that remained me.
A lot of ones in Glasgow actually.
Oh really? Yeah, Venice is a bit like

(51:22):
Scatty, but there's this club, Ican't remember the name of it,
open till 8:00 in the morning. So at 4:30, I'm outside the club
that was in the Old Street, and this guy comes up to me and he
goes, do you want some blue MDMA?
And I said yeah. And he goes, open your mouth,
all right? And he got this, like, paste and
he put it on my tongue. And I sobered up immediately.

(51:46):
I still don't know what it was. It made you sober up on the fact
that he put it on your tongue. The fact that I felt his finger
on my tongue sobered me up immediately.
His big black finger. See, see if you if you if you
just put your hands out like that, you obviously had your

(52:13):
tongue stuck. So.
Does he say anything? He just gives you and he walks
away? Yeah, that was like one time in
London. I was waiting for a tube and an
older guy came up doing one of the first time I was in London.
So I was obviously like, completely freaked out at how
big it was and the scale of it and all this kind of thing.
And a guy in a satchel and a scarf came up to me and said,

(52:35):
what parent did you get that toplip from?
And I was like, huh? And then he walked off.
That's amazing. What parent did you get that top
lip from? Yeah, it's assuming.
Do you? Have a good top lip.
No, no, I never had the moustache, but like what Peter
uses Chinese. What parent?

(52:56):
Yeah, my father is Jing Wu. Yeah, you have a good top there.
Thank you. Yeah, Cupid's bow.
Yeah, very. Nice.
What does that mean? Cupid's bow.
You have one too. I know because I've just looking
at you on my eyes. Some like me, but I don't like
it. You know what?
This is such a homoerotic podcast.
I really love it. I.
Don't like you? Don't like the interview of
things? No, it's the wee, the wee bump

(53:16):
that comes down in the middle I don't like.
Is that what it's called? A Cupid's Cupid.
'S bow, yeah. See I've I've.
Never. It's useful to have that little
dip though, isn't it? When you're like what?
What when you're kissing? Why is it useful?
Because you can grab their bottom lip with it.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. When you when you having this

(53:39):
week groove in your lip. Yeah, because of the dip that
you get. Yeah, when you're kissing
someone. You're a beta and you talk
about, you know, a. Little bit of biting, but then
you use the dip to keep draggingthe lip after you've kissed
them. I mean.
So. You tell us that we are, we are
good castles because. So it's a kiss with a little bit
of a bite at the end. Yeah, a bite and a pull at the

(54:01):
end, Yeah. A bite and a poo?
Yeah. How far are you going?
Drawing blood? No.
All the way until he does the torpedo.
That so. You just create enough to reach
your finger and. How do you how do you not kiss
passionately? No, no, no.
That's it. Did you get told how you do that

(54:21):
in private school by any? Chance if you didn't do a
question. I am well.
I was voted most likely to remain a virgin at 24 relievers
ball. Who's voting for that?
The other students. That's cruel even have that.
And then leave. US ball sounds like losing your
virginity. Everyone did.
I was the anyone in my year who hadn't had sex at that point.

(54:43):
Well, yeah, I had sex 18. To be fair, prime candidate for
the award with our back story. Yes, and so I it honestly fucked
with me so much. That's so much pressure though.
Yeah, yeah. So at university I found a book
about the female sexual anatomy and genuinely started studying
it in preparation for when hopefully the moment would come.

(55:07):
Hopefully in my 18th year. Do you know who?
No one's common. When the guys read a book on
female anatomy. You're not making anybody come.
Oh. Book let me tell you something
when you take an academic interest no In the female
anatomy, no. There are parts of the labia
that are defined in this book that you can then.

(55:34):
And. Tell me.
More so, I studied. Studied for three months aged
18, University at 21. I finally got to use my
knowledge and it was glorious. You had a three-year degree
reading one fucking book. The practical exam was weird.

(55:59):
So give us one move. Give us a move that me and
Martin need. Give us a move.
Do. On me if you want.
What's a? What's a neglected move?
Too many men when they are, shall we say, fingering a woman.
Shall we? We shall.
We shall for whatever better phrase.

(56:20):
Yeah, are doing a kind of piston, A piston movement that
adds nothing to the woman's sexual pleasure because the
woman's. Just, I don't know, you mean
yeah. Just in and out because a
woman's erogenous. And you're genuinely.
Interested there? A woman's erogenous zone is in

(56:42):
the roof of their vagina. Yeah, so a calm Heather movement
is always. You're dropping a calm Heather.
Yeah, calm, Heather. Movement just gentle.
This. Bring it on.
Yeah, bring it on. It seems like you're working
with quite a a field of depth there.
No, no, yeah, yeah, just the twofingers.

(57:03):
But this this kind of slow come hit her and eventually.
They heard that Abu Hamza. But yeah, that's that's the move
out in part amongst you young young bucks.
Thank you Sensor. You're welcome.
I'll tell you that's right. I was a I'm trying to get away

(57:25):
from this type of lifestyle right, but I'm still single day
in the moment and basically likewe will go right at the I was a
lassie. We had a couple of drinks.
What's the dog? She invites me.
Come on. Come on.
It'll be another one of your exes.
Come on. But so we're inside the taxi,

(57:46):
right? We've had a few drinks and
stuff. We're going back to hers and she
like, takes my hand and she starts kind of putting it like
up a leg and then upper Scott, right, which I would have found
pretty hot if I wasn't at the time, still having a
conversation with the taxi driver.
We oh. So then I'm and there's will.
You sat behind the taxi driver or.
I'm diagonal. She's she's behind them.

(58:07):
I'm diagonally. So I'm looking at him in the
back and he's one screen mother.Yeah, My fingers are there and
I'm like, yeah, no, the tone's not been as busy since a
pandemic. Man has a yeah, yeah.
OK. Is that the rate is that is that
they come have a moment And it was so crazy.
And then it was like, but the longer I went on, it was so
surreal because he was keeping the chat up.
Yeah. And I was like, I was at first

(58:29):
I'm thinking like he I just needto make sure he doesn't notice
that some kind of like trying tomake sure like she's.
Not doing. No that.
Wouldn't be obvious, sorry. 2 seconds mate.
I know it was. It was so strange, right?
That's why I need you. But then like, I was just like,
the longer the journey went on, the more I started to realise he

(58:52):
obviously has noticed and he's just he.
Was he was wanking at the same time?
That's not a handbrake his handson them, but I'm like and then I
think he was just keeping the conversation going because
otherwise he had to have felt like, you know, to address it a
lot. They said at that point, just so
you know, mate, you can't eat that in here.
Do. What I think?
Keeps the side, no food or drink.

(59:12):
I say, well, she's got a great fine 200 lbs so there's.
I think him and her are married and this is a racket.
They have gone. That's what they get off on.
Have you seen her since? Fake taxi?
I haven't. Yeah, she doesn't sound like
wifey material. She was very, very nice.
I might do lotteries tonight. Yes, my jump on.

(59:33):
Come on, do it. I like the idea of.
Do the thing. I like the idea.
Of it, yeah, I think it'd be really fun.
So yeah, and I think we should, in fact, it'd be really fun is
if if we're all doing 10 minuteseach, we continue the previous
person set and fuck with the audience.
OK, well, I'm going to end on that thing getting better, so

(59:53):
good luck with that. He gets his PowerPoint out.
Some notes you've got a Belfast tour show.
Yeah, is this Sunday, so I don'tknow if that's all by by then.
15 was it good? It was brilliant.
So did you. Have a good time.
Amazing. No, I'm a I've been on here

(01:00:13):
until about. I'll be back at some point.
I'm doing the festivals the nextbig thing for me as well.
I've also got tickets for bombing them in Brighton later
in the month. Just put your website in the
description website. Will that have everything?
On it absolutely in Glasgow, obviously I'll be doing some
shows over the summer there, so check out.
So please do it and I've I suppose I can just put my
podcast as well, actually some laugh, which hopefully we'll

(01:00:35):
have shown on at some point whenyou're over on the Glasgow to
check that out if you, if you are a fan of podcasts.
Put all that in the description.OK.
I'm writing a musical at the moment.
Fuck off, come Heather the Musical.
That would be sick. No, it's Abrahams or the music.

(01:00:56):
Abrahams are come say that you have you hooked.
I'm not touring for a little while yet, but just follow me,
have fun. I I'll be doing stuff.
Are you writing a musical? Yeah.
About can you put the description of the book he's

(01:01:16):
talking about and the the show? Yeah.
What is the musical about? Yeah, it's about the 1775 Battle
of Plasse. Follow up questions please.
Like what? What is that?
OK, so in 1775 the British East India Company just over a part
of India for the first time after the Battle of Plasse and

(01:01:37):
thus began their process of colonisation of India.
It is a Blackadder type. Look at that time period.
Raj, is that what they were called?
The Raj, Yeah, but they weren't the Raj at the time, they said.
Yeah, of the Raj of. The Raj Yeah, guarantee of the
Raj is happening. And it's going to be a musical.
Yes. Comedy.

(01:01:59):
Musical. Comedy musical in the vein of
Book of Mormon meets Hamilton. Will you be in it?
Yeah, I don't want to be in it. Can I be in?
I don't. I don't want to be in it.
Can you do accent? Can you, can you go?
Yeah, yeah. And you look more like them and
then. What's your English accent like?
Do do say something like. It depends whereabouts in

(01:02:19):
English joint me to be. From say say, bring that here,
boy. Bring that here, boy.
That's not too bad. Bring that here, boy.
Bring that here, boy. Oh.
That's good. Yeah.
Yeah, that's good. Could be good.
Say, yeah, OK, that's good. Yeah.
Nice, I could be in it. You would look you do look like.
I could. You could easily play a
coloniser then and then yeah. No, he's too thin.
He's good. Yeah, he's too thin.

(01:02:40):
You're too thin for that. What about if I play like a
mysterious Chinese merchant? And bring it silk and spices.
Yes, yes, I just show up for a couple of lines talking about
silks and spices. Right.
What I'd like you to do is in a in your best East Asian say.
Where's East Asian? Like China, Vietnam, that part

(01:03:02):
say don't put milk in our tea. Now is this acting?
Acting, yeah. So we're not doing like a comedy
thing. You're acting.
You want me to just act? Yeah.
Who was the guy that played a role years ago?
Really famous. That really?
Yeah. Obviously hanging in Genghis
Khan. John Wayne played Genghis Khan.
So it's been done before I do this.

(01:03:24):
It's been done, yeah. Yeah, by one of the greats.
By one of the greats, So what? Do you want me to say?
Just say don't put milk in our tea.
Right, if I do this, I'm not doing over exaggerated thing, I
am just trying to do. It yeah, you're and you're yeah.
So don't put milk in our tea. That's all I got to say.
What I love is the podcast has ended basically, but we are not

(01:03:45):
putting this version on his own absolute.
Don't put milk in our tea. Yeah.
Don't put milk in our tea wasn'tover the top.
It wasn't exaggerated. Yeah, it's good.
It was also Japanese. Don't put milk in our tea, Don't

(01:04:07):
put tikka in our dear same. I'm never getting on Saturday
night.