328. The Cave of Solitude with Lianne McCooey

Sippers welcome! This week I'm joined by comedian Lianne McCooey

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Zippers, let me point you in theway of our patreonpatreon.com/T
with me. Michael's off today, so for the
video people, I just want him tohave to put the text in here.
patreon.com/T with me We've justput up the Boozy Beer Golf,
which is one of our most ambitious, if not the most
ambitious special that we've done.
Me, the owner, Dave, Mickey, Willy doing the Bake Off in a

(00:22):
proper professional kitchen. Boost up, it's on there, we've
got Andrew Ryan hosting. Andrew Smith, former Bait Golf
finalist, is there to judge. It's a hell of a lot of fun.
We'll put in as much as we could. patreon.com/T with me
podcast. The link is in the description
now. Can I say something?
That we're all. I've got a couple of things to
say. Wow, Hope you can and say this.

(00:43):
Yeah, that's a most lesbian shirt.
You. That's a real lesbian shirt.
I got it from the women's section next.
It's not. Yeah, it's from the Luke
Mcgibbon range. No, that's that's, that's a
lesbian shirt. Is it?
Yes, on the the giant blue one that I wore that last day wasn't
no. I don't think, but that is just
like I'd say if I was making like I don't, I don't know I'd

(01:07):
be making it. I'm a cool lesbian action
figure. That's a jacket I put on that
would sail though as well. Like there?
Wouldn't be much action. Like no, there's a form, there's
twice a year action, maybe more.Are we talking about about
right? I wasn't at the start but.
Actually like Jason Bourne styleaction.

(01:30):
I could see you like, no, I could see you not, not like
Jason Bourne, but like I could see you going for like a short
hike regularly. I think you would do that kind
of stuff, no? No, right?
No. You just say like a flat walk.
Yeah, I've got a dog. I didn't take him with me today.
He sends his apologies. Why do I not get, I don't get

(01:54):
that pun, Polly? His name's Ollie.
Oh, but you can't bank on people.
He's not a famous dog. He's not a lassie like.
No, he's not a lassie. So you can't bank on me?
No one. His name's Ollie because I met
him once. At least twice.
I met him. Oh, I met him at the gigs.
That's right. Yeah, yeah, I thought it was
that the whole way down the road.
Why that joke? That pun?

(02:15):
Oh, right, right, right. No, he's taken it from me.
I think he just doesn't have theprofile yet, you know, Would you
ever do like a social media pagefor him or anything like that?
Do you like this kind of thing that?
People do a lesbian. Is that a lesbian thing that
like have a pet and give it a like a channel?
Actually, no, that's not. That's not.
That's not. True, I get it overly straight

(02:36):
to do that. It is.
It's actually. It's actually.
Virgin and do we bit Christiany?Yeah.
That's a wholesome couple kind of thing, that.
Yeah. It's a missionary kind of thing.
So also people that are just looking to get like fucking, I
don't know, like bakers to give them.
All like brand deals. Yeah.
Pedigree collabs, yeah. Like loads of fucking hashtags,

(02:58):
you know? Yeah.
Yeah. Have you ever been approached
for any like brand worker collabs or anything like that?
Not like, no. Who would you like to do work
with like? I don't know.
Like locally? Yeah, or no.
Just think big. Do you know in the Snapchat days

(03:18):
I got. Colgans, Colgans.
Is this sausage rolls? But they do them like no, I'm
just. You might hear my own name and
slagged. Call.
Me a lesbian and now you're calling.
Me, you are a lesbian. I know maybe, but.

(03:39):
You said that like you forgot and now you just remembered
again. As long as they do forget.
Do you know they spell coffee inyour shirt?
Absolutely. Do you hate that?
Oh, 100% these tits. Yeah, it's just like, you know
what I mean? No.
No, because it's like if there'sa stain on an already very
visible thing, it's just like. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
And I think whatever, whenever anormal person, like spilled

(04:01):
something on themselves, like, oh, jeez, do you spill coffee on
your. Oh, yes, at times.
Whereas when a fat person knows,it's like couldn't get into your
face cracking off. You it looked, it looks like
you've brushed. It it looks like you've given up
and you're just like, I don't care anymore.
If it spells, it's. I'm just going to eat.
Yeah, you know, Yeah, I have a lot of issues.
So you, Oh yeah, that's why you're here.
So there's this episode of Tea With Me podcast is sponsored by

(04:23):
none other than that prize guy. Now if you, unless you've been
living in the wee cave in Kiev Hill, which actually isn't that
kind of like you could still be living there and you'd still
come into contact with quite a lot of people, unless you've
been living on Saturn, you'll not not know.
But that price guy, Ireland's biggest competition page price

(04:44):
guys made at 9 millionaires, giving away about £140 million
worth of prizes. And every single day there's mod
competitions going on there and tickets for some of these start
from as little as about 5 pence.Don't give us an example, if you
can, of a competition that's going on right now.
Tomorrow, the 31st of July, 150,000 lbs being given.

(05:07):
Away I draw for 150,000 points for it and people with you,
you've got to be in it if you want to win it.
I'd say a ticket for that is 9.20 right now it's 45-P, 45 P.
That is insane. Imagine you imagine you spend
45, imagine you've changed over 50 pence piece and you win 150
grand in cash. That's unbelievable.

(05:28):
I don't know if it's in cash, probably is think cash.
Jesus. You can walk about knowing 90s
sports duffel bag over the shoulder if you want.
It might be fun for a day, but don't do that.
Absolutely don't do that. That prize guy.co.uk.
We are also just giving you a wee heads up about RT our actual

(05:50):
tea with me tea. A lot of people look at this,
probably think it's a prop. No, it's real tea.
We partner with Sookie, fantastic local tea company that
they they blend it, they packageit, they're the experts and we
made this tea and we didn't justgo put our name on a tea.
We properly like developed it. In terms of Calvin, I said like

(06:12):
we want like a big bold tea, like a builders kind of tea,
strong flavour. We didn't want anything fancy.
This is a multi breed full bodied tea which is great with
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East Africa and North India. Big leaf, big flavour.
I love that. And and yeah, you can go.

(06:34):
This is fair trade as well. You get 15 tea bags in this and
this is what I want people to dois the link will be in the
description. I want you to get some of this,
but only bring it out for fancy occasions when the ambassador's
over, you know, when you when you when you reconcile with a
husband or wife, you bring out the fair tree and Hollywood
blend. Let's get back to the episode,

(06:54):
folks. So you would say no to call I?
I just thought Kogan's is a local.
Programmes, but whatever. There you go, the relationships
already started. They'll say that, and they'll
love the question. Oh yeah, and the Snapchat is I
got, I got asked to do some influencing.
That's what, yeah, this is what I wanted.
Before influencing was a thing. So this is like.
You started it. 17 No, I didn't start it, but I got approached.

(07:19):
Can I guess? You'll never get it like.
Is it a local company? It's a, it's a Northern Ireland
company, very Northern Ireland Ashes.
No, not it's not big. Definitely wouldn't be them.
I know, that's why I made the joke.
Oh right, I just thought I was making another fat joke but
turns out you're making a gay joke.
This time it can be a gay fat joke.

(07:39):
Can it be gay? Can it be fat?
I don't. Know.
Jesus. No, I think I was thinking Asher
for like a redemption arc kind of thing.
I'm like, maybe they. Redemption arc for them yes No.
This was 2017 and was a local independent family run business
in the hospitality sector in Five Mil Town.
I'm not going to get it, Valley.Hotel in Five Mile Town.

(08:02):
Right, OK, you've been before then I'll leave it there.
Right. Why would you need a hotel that
close to home? Has your Have you stayed as a
guest ever? Are you from right now?
You're from OK. What's the half day rate like
down there? So what do they want you to do?

(08:28):
I got a two night stay in Five mile town.
Only stayed for one night, but and.
Why was it just it was overload like?
I just, I couldn't, I couldn't award myself that luxury really.
I've been, I've been away from home for two nights.
But you know what, in fairness, it was lovely.

(08:49):
Lisa and the guys were lovely. This is 2017.
You're so good at this, like you'll be doing a tech talk
right now. Just want to say Lisa and the
whole guys were lovely. Guys, you know, I got, I got
room, I got fuck. It's a minimum you'd.
Expect absolutely there's a bed got food, obviously kind of fat.
Just give me a little sausage rolls.

(09:10):
No, just because I'm I'm possibly aggressively reminding
you that I haven't forgot that you slated me.
Yes. And yeah, and drank and they and
they had some drinks with me andthose girls could drink.
Yeah, yeah. I was like going over bed.
And would you, you're the whole time you're documenting this,
you know. Yeah, I was.
I was doing the whole. So I just got into my room here

(09:33):
in Five Mile Town. Just jumping on here.
And just jumping on, I'm like, Oh my.
God, this is now. Did you?
Declare this as #gifted. Declared to who?
The world. Yeah.
Absolutely I am. Transparent.
I am a very eh, I'm a very What's the word?
What is the word? Eh, honest.

(09:55):
I have a lot of integrity. Yes, yes.
So, eh, yeah. Why'd you only stay one night?
Even one night's an often five mile time.
That's what a lot of people say.Well, I mean once you've done
the 1st 5 miles. Yeah.
Yeah. I would.
You did 2 1/2 mile time. Miles, yeah, 2 1/2 and 2 1/2
back, but yeah, it's lovely. But I worry with something like
that, there's so much pressure on you to have a good time, you

(10:19):
know what I mean? If they're with you the whole
time and over, you know? Yeah, If they're with you, you
know, it's like you're watching a movie with someone that you
like but they haven't seen, so you're watching them instead of
the movie going. Yeah, that's happening.
Although in fairness then after I had my very lovely breakfast
the next morning they got I did a Facebook Live because that was
the whole thing. Of you having your breakfast.

(10:39):
No, just afterwards being all like, so guys, I'm just.
I'm just just leave now. I thought if you just sitting in
silence for 45. Minutes on my own didn't even
have a dog then and I I helped them pimp out their Santa Sunday
and it was the fastest selling Santa Sunday in their history.
Now what is that in both? You mean Santa on a Sunday?
Yes, it's a Sunday for Santa. All right, OK.

(11:01):
Are you sure Ollie's not here? Because I thought he would love
being here in Hollywood. Has it taken you that time to
come over that phone? I thought of it at the time, but
it. Was like 50 minutes coming up
the road. It's like I need something.
I need something good. So you had this, so as part of
that you were pushing their Santa Sunday as well?
Do you know what? It just happened.
You know, I just went there. You're that good, you can sell

(11:23):
Santa Sunday in January. Easily.
No problem. But did you just feel too much
pressure to say a second night or do you get like a social
thing like that where you learn to be at home?
Do you have the opposite of no claustrophobia?
No. Agorphobia.
Yeah, no, I like, I had Catholicguilt, which is ironic in 5
minutes, but I I was like, oh, oh God.

(11:45):
I actually went the the last time I was on it before that, I
was on a minibus with a load of ones from where I'm from, which
is Newtown, Hamilton, which isn't eerie.
It's actually S Armagh. OK, All right.
Hello. Are we?
Yeah. So basically, we the Catholics,

(12:07):
right? There was a load.
That's the name of the family, yeah.
Yeah, like the Waltons, just with the Holy Communion.
Yeah. So the Catholics were were going
to. Where was it?
I don't know, some fucking shit that's going anyway in like, I
don't know the dog or something.I don't know.
Long story short, we all go on to this minibus in Newton
Hamilton which is really small place and there's all

(12:30):
Protestants on the minibus. On the Catholic minibus.
All sitting down. No way.
No, it was a It was an equal opportunities minibus.
How big is the minibus? Not that many.
Like 20 seats. I have no idea.
This was in like 1987. So the Catholics have booked
their seats and then all of a sudden, the Protestant show.
Up. That's not how it works mate.
Have you ever been to a rural area?

(12:51):
No, look at me. The taxi services, you ring
somebody like this their name, right?
Do you know what I mean? Yes.
It's not like Jared. It's not like.
Maybe it could be anything. In this case, it was a boy
called Robbie, Right? Right.
Robbie may also have been a Protestant gentleman anyway, but
he had the minibus rung up right.
Can we go to the fairways? Whatever.
Yeah, yeah, no problem. Pick us up at 8:00.
What's the name? The Catholics?

(13:13):
He's booked that in. You don't.
Need to. It's a small town, right?
Yeah, 100% grand. So we get on to the bus and
there's just a load of Protestants sitting on the bus.
Now how do you know? Because they're actually close
together. They're all sitting there and
they're so all like all the tagsget on and we had to stand
because there. Was no seats.
Can I just double check? Are the tags separate to the

(13:34):
Catholics? Is it another group?
Have you been to Northern Ireland before the North?
But what I'm saying is I know the Catholics are there, but
then when the Catholics became the Tigs, I'm thinking of the
Tigs and offshoot of the Catholics.
Is it another group in? The Tigs, it's not stars in
your. Eyes No, I don't think the
Catholics become the Tigs. I'm just wondering, are the Tigs
a separate group I? Just didn't want to keep saying

(13:55):
the, the, the name, the the wordCatholic over and over again.
Right, right. The point is.
Better than TIG? That you're missing is that the
Catholics had the stand on the minibus while the Protestants
were sitting down, right? And there was a couple of
firebrands there. Right?
Now, I'm a very cool person, as you know, right?
Even in 199798 I was a very coolperson and there was one of them

(14:17):
was being all here we go again, boys.
Fucking fucking second class citizens again.
Here we go again, fucking standing on the bus and as you
can fuck up, shut the fuck up and just look ahead and we'll be
fine. Just shut up and the Protestants
all went to Five Mile Town, to the Valley Hotel for a revamp
and then we went to wherever we went and then on the way home.
And they wouldn't let you guys in the swimming pool.

(14:38):
At the Five Mile town. Where would you go to the
swimming pool? That was the civil rights thing
about the bus. All right, class, there's no
civil rights over here at all. You're right.
The for Catholics point is on the way home, everybody was
sitting on each other's knees. Everybody was get fingered.
It was on cross. Community Finger.
Cross community. If Van Morrison had him on the

(14:59):
bus, it would have been perfect.What was one of your finger
people? Oh.
Yeah, I'm a curious Vagina is very dangerous.
Fall into it. Robin Swan would definitely fall
into it because he's dining. But you wish, Bart.

(15:26):
I'm here now, don't you? Oh, anyway.
So a couple of drinks in a Tescoin Five Mile Town puts the word
on the right makes everything. It all, yeah, yeah.
Ready for peace. Time to go or whatever it was
that Yeah, you know. That's a beautiful thing.
It was. Why didn't you stay the second
night in the hotel? 'Cause I didn't want to.

(15:47):
Like I say, it was a Catholic guilt thing.
I was like, no, fuck this shit. I was like, no, I can't do it.
Can't be doing. Too nice.
It was too. It was too nice.
Too. It was just, it was too nice of
a gesture for me to accept. I was like, Oh no, it's OK, I'll
scurry. I'll scurry back into my my
whole of darkness, my little solitude layer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is and what does your layer
of darkness look like? Like is your house, is it like

(16:09):
bright and you know, or, or what?
Give us an idea of the what in the?
Clear machine that's going on here.
Because I want to know what, what are you going home to?
Is it nothing, Shane? I live on my own.
I have a dog and a cat and a catfucking hates me.
Yeah. Yeah, how do the cat and the dog
you know? 100 dead on.
Yeah, they're grand, right? They're good.

(16:31):
But are you like, is it like a bright kind of place?
Is it your your home? Or is it more like dark and wee
bit like Gothic? It's millennial grey everywhere.
Millennial grey. I live in an apartment actually.
I know also known as a flat and it's ground floor.

(16:53):
Sure. And if you want to purchase it,
that's absolutely fine by me because I'm negative equity.
You get, all your neighbours don't.
Want to talk to them? I don't like I've no, I've no
reason to you. Don't need to.
Not really, no. That's something that's been,
that's getting lost in the world, isn't it?
Yeah, it is. Talking to the neighbours,
knowing the I know. I know I was going was cracked

(17:14):
now, right? Well then, that's fine I but
what? What more do you need really?
Some people involve themselves. I don't involve myself.
Absolutely. I'm I'm AI got in general I'm
pretty much I'm a good just moveit on conversation guy.
Where do you live? What do you live in?
I live in a house. Yeah, with your family and your
happiness. Yeah.

(17:35):
Class. Yeah.
Sammy D. Pardon.
Sammy D Is it a Sammy? Is it the DJ that was on a Five
Mile time? Yeah.
Sammy D on the decks. Yeah, that's Robin's phone's
code name. It's it's not.
It's touched. It's detached.
It's detached. You have a detached house.

(17:55):
Yeah. Good, Mom, Right.
Very good. Grew up on a semi detached
house. Not ideal if you can help, but
not ideal. Do you have like siblings and
all? I have brother and sister, Yeah.
What else do you want to know? I'm just asking you this.
I'm just matching your energy mate.

(18:16):
You asked me about the floor plan of my house.
I want to get a sense of my. Fortress of solitude.
Because you, yes, because you described it as such and then
you were talking about wanting to leave the hotel.
I thought it was relevant. We were in court.
I would say that's relevant. You were trying to get it
dismissed. But I was saying, judge, I think
there's a bit of relevance here.Judge.

(18:37):
OK, have you ever been in court?No.
That's that that I'm surprised at that.
Why I could just see you being on like daytime TV Courts Judge
Render. Judge Render. 1000%.
Why? I would have bet money that
you've been on judge. I can just see like maybe just
with the cafe back in the day, Ithink you might have had

(18:58):
grievances. I think you would just.
I think you wouldn't hesitate toget on the judge render.
No, I've never had a grievance to anyone.
Come on. Well, no.
No, not really, no. If I do have a grievance, I
internalise it and let it and let it bubble up and spill over.
Into The Cave of solitude. Into taking into the fortress of
solitude ruminate. Right.

(19:21):
Plan. But do you not think it's better
to just like, say at the time, just get off your chest?
Probably is and it'll be very, very mature.
But again, it's called cheese. Not great at advocating for
ourselves. Yes.
Do you know what I mean? Yes.
Let the Brits stay for 800 years, John.
I'm saying yeah. But like, do you think you could
like practise, like, you know, just getting things out, you

(19:42):
know, like, do you want, like, do you want to tell me you love
me like. Anything.
I don't think we're in that place.
Really. We're in the Fortress Society.
We're in Hollywood, for God's sake.
The Fortress of Solly. Tude.
Holly Tude would work. I don't know.
Holly Tude. Yeah.
Fair enough. No, I don't know.

(20:02):
I don't know. Yeah.
Can I tell you something? I forgot how Like I know what
you're saying. I think you're you're on edge
sometimes. And I said to Dan, before you
came in, I went, should we pretend there's been a celebrity
death because you won't check your phone during the podcast?
And should we just be like, Oh my God, did you hear about that
thing? And then when we got closer to
the episode, I was like, let's not, because that might get in
your head. Do you know what?

(20:22):
And I was actually looking back on that last time I was here to
see whatever you and Bartlett were all about.
Fucking Sister Mariosa and all that.
And these were making shit up. Yeah.
I don't. I didn't believe these were
making shit up. I was.
I was listening to a story as ifit were fact.
Yeah, that's what I got worried about.
And then we also were like, we're like, why?
Because we have McCartney on foran episode that hasn't come out
yet, but we recorded a couple ofdays ago and I was like, we

(20:44):
should pretend McCartney said something and then we could we
could pretend there was something there.
And then at the end we'll let you know it was a joke.
And then I was like, it's a wrong.
That's a wrong thing. See, that's what I mean.
I you think I'm quite guarded, I'm on edge, I take.
I'm very like, you're literal not.
Literal that Asperger's Syndrome.
No, I just, I just have faith. That's what Asperger's is, yeah.

(21:05):
You say pull your socks up metaphorically and they they're
trying to pull their socks. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.
I just, I just, I just don't believe that people are chatting
shit all the time. Yes.
Yes. You're too pure for this world.
Probably. That's what people say about
you. Yeah.
She was too pure for this world.I don't know.
I'm speaking at your funeral. Yeah.
Hello. Would you like me to speak to
you? Would you?

(21:25):
If you could see your own funeral, would you be annoyed
that I was speaking at it, or would you think that's a bit of
a result? I'd probably be like, I don't
know, see, because you can do the dead palm thing really well,
yes, So you could come out with fucking absolute bollocks and
nonsense, yes. And people have been like, wow.
That's the name of the garage act I used to be.
Yeah, yeah. We used to support soccer did.

(21:49):
You. Yeah, yeah, I should point.
I've got 21 seconds to make thisbetter because it does it.
I was a joke. I know, right?
Just clarify it was not a garage.
Studio. It was a solo.
I can't. I love. 21 seconds, That's a
tune. I know all the words.
I love it. Bollocks.
I got 21 seconds to go. I got 21 seconds to go because

(22:12):
if you let me know, I mean the studio got 21 seconds to see me
in the video. Oh no.
Do you see me in the video? Oh no.
So let me know. Let me know. 21 seconds, 21
seconds. 21 seconds When I get my gateway to the tunnel, 21
seconds in trouble to move in a double little bit of cash,
whatever do 21 seconds to when Iwhen I want to know when I want

(22:32):
to break, when I want to know, hype it up on.
Turn out the baseline. I got 21 seconds to check this
line in time. First of all, I'm going to beg
up the ladies. Look inside and.
Fine. Oh my, don't give me no
deadline, give me some more time.
Give me 29 seconds to check thisline of MCS waiting in lines
nearly over. I got 21 seconds to go first on
2 * 10 + 1 Romeo Dunn that. Was the whitest thing I've ever

(22:56):
seen. Gay rainbow socks.
Don't think I didn't notice. Them the widest thing you've
ever seen. Hey.
Well, I got on Don's. Hey, do I think they're great
of? Course you did.
I'm pro gay. Oh yeah, saw someone say that
recently, a friend of ours. How did you learn?
How did you how did you learn all the lyrics to that that?

(23:20):
You say? Early early naughties buyer.
Because I would like, I would have been a big garage head back
in the day. So we didn't learn the lyrics.
You learned lyrics the. Artful Dodger himself.
You got the booklet from inside the CD.
And you learned the lyrics. I, I just feel it.
I would know them like I'm the sort of guy I don't know the
words of every song, but I have a go at it.
OK. So there's songs I'll now

(23:41):
discover. I go, oh, I've been singing that
wrong my whole life. But I would just go with
especially rap. Like I just, it's more about
feeling it than knowing it, I would find.
OK. I'm a big rap guy.
Absolutely. Who's your Who's your favourite
rapper? As a collective, probably the Wu
Tang Clan Favourite rapper. Is it possible love favourite

(24:02):
rapper? I love how you've just run.
You've, you've went pure smack there and you didn't even
realise that. I don't know, man, I don't know.
The only other time I talk like Gats in a mechanics.
All right. OK, you have to.
Yeah, you can't go in talking, Iguess I'm.
Actually, a little mechanics on the entire So Solid crew,
they're just like, yeah, pimping.
You're right. They probably are mechanics.
And fixing your car. Anyway, Pimp my right, Yeah,

(24:26):
Exhibit was talking recently in some interviews saying he got
it. We got a bad They don't Pimp my
right. I don't doubt that.
Bad they like he got mugged because I think he was hoping he
could promote a lot of his toursand stuff on and they're like
Nah and he was getting foreground that episode.
That's why, because that was thebiggest show in the world back
then. That's.
Shape. But the normal stuff was
practical. They were into your car.
That's true. Hot tub in the back of the three

(24:47):
or six. Yeah, yeah.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A beat in a Nova, yeah. Yeah.
I like, I like Q-tip. I could listen to Q-tip all
night. Yeah, Do you know I was on a
Mark Ronson gig in the waterfront a year ago?
Was like some free thing for MTVit.
Could be a fake Mark Ronson if you've been on like a wee

(25:09):
fucking shady skinny day and like a grey suit.
No, you could done something different.
You could be Mark Ronson. Is it not that I look like Mark
Ronson? Is it, do you think that I look
like a guy who could be in that genre of like a record, a
producer kind of guy? Or you think specifically I look
like Mark Ronson, or more of a Mark Ronson kind of figure, A
guy who would work with rappers but doing the technical kind of

(25:30):
stuff. No, you just look like an
insepent white gay. What does insipid mean?
Plus I don't consider myself white.
I don't see colour but. What isn't separate?
In separate. The only colours I see I don't.
Know what that I don't know whatthe actual the?
Only colours I see the rainbow. I just want to make our.
Obviously, yes, my cankles are right in front of you.
Yeah, and separate. What doesn't separate actually

(25:50):
mean? Is that that movie Leonardo
DiCaprio? Yeah.
Yeah, see what you mean. There's a guy called the Dare
who does a lot of stuff with Billy Eilish and going to be
tasteless. Yeah, you look like a week.
Tasteless. Wait, man.
Wake, Wake, I know we talked. You claimed it on the New York

(26:13):
Marathon. Maybe there's no official record
of that. You're talking to a sub 20
minute 5K. What?
You're going to. Say there you should just end of
that. So.
You would be a sub. And that's what that's what that
strength. What to go through?
Tell me what you said again. Sub what?
Sub 20 minutes, 5K. Firefox.
My fastest 5K was 29 minutes. I could and I wouldn't normally

(26:39):
gloat about that but because youwere not nice to me there, I
could have finished my 5K and then halfway through a fry after
29 minutes someone was lied to me and the comments saying said
that they beat me in a 5K in theParker and the guy's like thanks
for the tow and I thought that was slight.
Thanks for the tow. Yeah.
I mean like he finished in frontof me, you know what I mean?

(27:01):
Fuck him. I know I but I thought it was
like because we're all just running their own races.
Absolutely, so I can so I can tell from your but don't ever
call me I am going to did I I did show you the the pitcher be
and maybe like marathon gear. I don't doubt do you wore the
gear? I practically.

(27:22):
I'm inceptious. Or whatever.
Incestuous You're I may be incestuous you're.
Incestuous. You do look like an incestuous
gay. I actually don't.
You got to give that to me. I look kind of.
Pure. I look kind of pure, See what
I'm saying? Pure.
I don't look. I don't look contestuous.
No, you don't. Thank you.

(27:43):
You don't. Fair play the.
It's the nicest thing you've ever said.
Yeah, the nicest thing you've ever seen is you don't look like
you ride your own sister or brother.
Yes, Who knows? Thank you.
But the carpenters, did they do that?
I don't know. They were friendly, like, yeah,
that's a lot of time together. I'm just saying excuse.
Me, I think there's more music, there's more sibling music act

(28:05):
that might have seemed more likethat.
Same Osmonds. Same difference, Osmonds.
Yes. Yeah, same difference.
Yeah, absolutely. Jackson 5.
No, let's not go there. Alphabet.
Remember alphabet? That's the nation.
With a brother and sister. Who cares?
He cares. The one fascination was

(28:26):
brilliant. And then there was one other
one. Don't you touch my boyfriend.
He's not your boyfriend? No, he's my.
Fascination 10,000 Nights of Thunder.
That's a good one. Yeah, it is a good one.
That's a good one. Boyfriend was good.
It was a wee funky element too. Don't you touch my boyfriend.
Don't you touch my boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, I'll get the suicide

(28:47):
crew after you. Where?
Were alpha beat they Scandinavian?
Had there been? Of course there were.
Yeah. Something like that.
That was a time when music was, there was a lot, a lot of fun
music back then. I'm talking like Mika, Scissor
Sister. You didn't like Mika?
I can't if I had a pound for every time I walk through Lacy's

(29:08):
a big girls. You are beautiful as on and
people used to just be like. Get to death, they said.
No, Daddy, says a big lady. It was an anthem.
It was saying you're beautiful. No, it's all saying you're fat
cunt. Somebody'd committed this to
song. Congratulations, visibility for

(29:30):
you fucker. I thought it was an important
anthem. No it wasn't.
No it wasn't. It was fucking licence to slag
right? The B side, the glass.
Some guy did remember. The remix of some guy did a
remix, Big girl, you're a fat asfuck and I went around
everyone's phone for a long time.
No, I thought that was terrible.They did you got on your phone

(29:50):
cell die don't send the road I. Mika had that lovely ballad as
well. Can you give?
Me a second to tune up. And I feel as if I'm wasting.
This is the this is the way you left me.
I'm not pretending. That was nice.

(30:13):
Do you know what is if I had a if I was DJ ING at a gay club
and they went you need to make ago off right now you.
Know what I put on? Only the horses by the Scissor
Sisters. Oh, that is an anthem.
Yeah, just. Put on a bra.

(30:34):
That is, I wouldn't say this is just a waterfront.
Hall I I saw them. I saw them years ago.
At the waterfront. No, it's like it was the SSA or
it was probably. That's a fun act.
Did you notice that the guitar player had like has like a tech?
No, no. Maybe it was just me, but yeah,
he was. Like I was too caught up in this
way. When he was all like, you know,

(30:55):
like he's got oh, so they're interacts.
The Q-tip thing, you're saying you like Q-tip.
Q-tip did a song with Mark Ronson.
We were at this free. There was like unintentional
racism by everyone at the waterfront.
This gig Mark Ronson brings thisdoes this on the Q-tips on a
rapper walks out. Everyone's like Q-tip get us the

(31:16):
whole song. Find out after was not Q-tip,
no, just a black guy, just just just another rapper.
But everyone at the time was like, how amazing we're seeing
Q-tip and then after people like.
Rapper without you. That can happen though.
Black is all look cool. Oh.
Thank God you said cool there because that is not where I

(31:38):
thought that was going. And I was like, you have you're
going to end up just doing life in The Cave of solitude.
Here in The Cave of Solitude outin Canada, whenever I worked in
the bank bar, yes, back in the day, we had to have like
celebrity Pas or whatever and. Oh, that's interesting.
I very, There's a photograph of me with Anthony from Big

(32:00):
Brother. Yeah, doing that.
With the three soul patch, Yeah.Oh, he was doing that for the
photo. They both were.
Yeah. Nothing else on.
The front of the fucking New Democrat.
Almost. That's a slow Newsweek in Newry
like. Lad.
Mccurry and Anthony from Big Brother.
I was the manager of the one of the biggest nightclubs in
Northern Ireland at that. Stage Now he comes in to do so.

(32:23):
That would have been what, already 2000?
2000 and five, 2000 and five, 2000 and. 6 I didn't even know
celebrity PA. I thought that started all about
2010. So he comes in, he's booked for
what, a couple hours? Yeah.
And all he's got to do is show up and get photos or does he
have to get on the mic or anything?
I. Think he just, yeah, he did

(32:44):
autographs and stuff like that. They're just like loads of.
What's he getting back it back then for that is he getting he's
getting a grand catching, huh? And they were usually in our own
depending on on how relevant theword the time probably about 3
grand plus but. In the early 90s, Jesus.
And that's that's catching. You know, it was paid through a

(33:07):
promoter and blah, blah, blah. So I don't know what their range
was, but no, that's what we paidthe promoter.
So had him. Callum Best, yes, Paddy Mcgillis
actually. Strange.
What era of Paddy Mcgillis? So we're talking Max and Patty.
Five. Yeah, I suppose just after
Brown, Max and Patty. Is he doing a set?
No. He just literally showed up to
the nightclub Huey from Fall of Criminals, which was a big coup

(33:29):
on my behalf because I was like.A coup from a coup?
Trump engineering Democrat Mccuy's coup.
Yeah, Huey and Mccuy. Mccuy's, Mccuy's Huey Q Yeah.
Fuck up. Huey QE from Mccuy.
Yeah, him. He did VJ.
On loving criminals. His hospitality writer was on

(33:52):
real. I've heard he, so I like him.
Like some of their music. I've heard he's a nightmare of a
guy 100. Percent.
You've found to be a good. Guy.
Did he do some songs? No, he didn't.
He DJ behind like the box, whatever it was him and another
guy. It was like A2 Fer, I don't know
whatever, but he was, he was sound.

(34:14):
Scooby Snacks great song. Scooby Snacks.
Great song. I love pretty much all this.
Stuff kept on looking for a signin the middle of the night but I
couldn't hear right. Yeah, OK.
They do both sentences, we just pick different ones there and
that's fine. The point of the whole thing was
right pick bank days, right? There was remember the doctor in

(34:37):
EastEnders? Dr Truman?
Black, gay and he had a brother,also a black guy.
Remember Doctor Shipman? Doctor Shipman, No different
guy. He never came to the bank.
Because. It was only over 18.
The Harold Shipman PA Like. I know.
Like what the fuck? What?
Would that even look like? I think he, you know what, he's

(35:03):
a brazen bastard. He would have done it like. 100%
he would have done it. Yeah, no problem.
Yeah, more cash in the pocket. That's all I care about.
Yeah. Yeah, good gay.
So. Also want to be on that serial
killer podcast. Just saying.
OK, very passionate about serialkillers.
Are you actually very? Incredibly well.
I mean, the series is over but. Yeah, but thanks for the heads

(35:23):
up. So anyway, so Doctor Truman from
EastEnders is there, and his brother and.
His brother and the show His brother brother.
And the show, right? So what happened was they were
there for APA like a couple of months before and then, I don't
know, some marketing genius at the bank thought, let's make it
look like these guys loved coming to the bank so much that

(35:44):
one of them's getting married and they're having a stag party
and have decided they love the bank so much in Newry, Northern
Ireland, that they're going to fucking have their stag there,
right? Obviously this was fiction,
right? So there was money, change
hands, whatever, blah, blah, blah.
So basically there was, let's not advertise it, right?
So there's a full table in the lobby of minor celebrities.

(36:07):
As you walk in first. As you walk in right and it was
like roped off or whatever, but he's still seeing so the.
Minor celebrities, all those guys from Chile in their uglies.
Yeah. That looks stupid with another
word there, sorry. Trying to get out.
So you're saying separately to that, did they make it seem like
they're mates with some local celebrities?

(36:28):
It just made it look like, oh, this is this place is so cool
that the doctor from EastEnders has come here on a stagnate.
With his brother. With his brother and.
Some local celebs a. Selection of other black guys
all having steak sandwiches in the bank having a real good
time, right so and then people were like looking in being like.

(36:49):
There's there's the fucking doctor.
Fucking Fucking fucking. And then everybody was like
looking in right and there was one guy, right?
And he was ripped right, white tea on him.
Big guns fucking, you know, dreads and all.
I was like I said, well, I was like, who the fuck is he?
He is stunning. Who is he?

(37:10):
You know, he looks like a cool guy, right?
And the promoter was like a he'sa white.
Sounds like Nelson Mandela. This is you're not doing a black
guy's. Voice No, no, no, no.
Just there's just so many smuckypromoter gave from for Belfast.
He's a guy. He's a, he's a keyboard player
for Atomic Kitten. And you're getting him for free.
Instant for me there. Do you know what I mean?

(37:34):
I was like I expected this guy to be maybe rock.
I might be Q-tip, yes, but. He's he's, he's, he's in the
background of. Yeah, yeah.
So. What I'm saying is, don't judge
a book by its cover. You're saying be mindful that a
black guy might be a keyboard player for an all female

(37:56):
popular? For an exclusively white band.
I think if we can take anything I did today, it's the hope that
people going forward will be aware of that, at least be aware
of that. I just cured racism there, yeah.
Who did you get in that was a bit of a brick?
Who? Who came and did AP Common?
Like none of these people are still around.

(38:16):
Yeah, they are. Then what the fuck?
I know, but. Are they still around?
One guy now. Will you let me work out who it
is if you don't say the name? Right.
OK soap star. OK, BBC soap star.
OK, wait. In the East End.
Yeah, Ian Bale. No.

(38:37):
Right. You're in the right wheelhouse.
Steve McFadden, right? That's a big deal to get him in.
We're talking 10 G's. We're talking 10 G's.
We're not talking 10 G's. No, no, I don't remember.
OK. It wasn't.

(38:58):
I wasn't part of the crew. No.
Is he hypothetically A prick? Because I imagine some of them
come and just get involved and they're like, look, I'm going to
just go forward here, smile for the photos, I know what I'm
doing. But that some people come in and
act like they were too good for it.
I think he was having a bad day,right?
He's having a bad day. I think he made a had a few

(39:19):
shandies on board. I think he just wasn't in good
tune. I think he fell out with the
woman or something right? Who may also have been Lisa from
EastEnders at the time because he was blinking her in real
life. He's blinking everyone in car
parks as well. Point me.
Yeah, he point you. I had no, no, Although do you
remember Pepe from EastEnders? You.

(39:40):
Fucked Pepe. I did I.
Yeah, if you did. Pepe take me to the phone.
Just a solid tune. And have your fucking way we've.
Took me to the valley, out down Mccoury.
I didn't say Daddy died. Earlier, take me to camera and
fuck me you slag. The Pepe new one, Michael Greco.

(40:05):
We're talking about Greco. Yeah.
Did he? Michael Greco?
Yeah, he was there. He signed my inner thigh with a
Biro pen. Your inner thigh.
Aye, my trousers burst. I was.
Just when you saw him, yeah. That's the boss man actually
said that. Bruce Springsteen.
Yeah, he did. Yeah.
No boss man, just a guy that makes kebabs in the bank.

(40:29):
So yes, yeah, yeah, I had to go and change a keg downstairs.
What? What is that?
It's kind of like that's what you called your trousers.
Yeah, I had to change a keg. Fucking two gigs.
I see how to step up on them. If you, I'm assuming you've
never worked a day in your life and you've never worked in a
bar. Have you ever changed a keg?

(40:50):
Never changed a keg, but I started working when I was 1415.
I was what? Dishwasher catching.
Porter were. Down the road in a restaurant.
I always worked. Always, always, always.
I've never not had a job. I was on the door for 2/3.
Months. I can't imagine you've been
catching Porter. Definitely not.
I was. Not great, though.
I would say it. I did it for years.
I was, I was alright. I have my own way of doing

(41:11):
things, put it that way. Right?
Right. I didn't know.
See some like sometimes at the end of a shift there would be a
giant pot of oil, right? I You fucked it down the sink,
didn't you? I was pouring it down a drain
outside and my boss is like, what the fuck are you doing?
I was like getting rid of the oil.

(41:32):
I'm not going to put it down thesink.
Here's a block of sink, so I'm using outdoor drain.
She was like, someone's coming to pick that up and I was like,
I can do it. And she went no, they take it
away and pay us for it. I was like, Oh no, told me it.
Right now we do not for it for your rumbled. 2-3 years.
Wow, yeah. My own way of doing things.

(41:52):
It wasn't, I wasn't brilliant atit, but here's what I would do.
Show up on time and I get involved, right?
So I've always, always worked anyway.
Obviously stopped working when Istart doing stand up.
Now we just do spoken word when I work in like.
OK, Point is, in a busy place, you have your kegs all stacked
up on top one or so you have to like sort of claim up on them to

(42:14):
switch things off and blah, blah, blah.
So when I was dismounting from the keg, I just put one leg
instead of just jumping down, I just, I put one leg down.
I was just like, so it's just right here, this same bar.
We're talking skinny genie era. No treasures, lad.
All, all, all my treasures end up invariably looking skinny.

(42:36):
But yeah, so it was hard to do the rest of the night with
fucking with floppy days here, right?
And so the end of the night, Michael, Greg goes down the
stairs. The boss man calls me where he's
like, here, here, Beppy, will you see this?
Everyone calling Beppy, you're that good looking.
When you walked in through the door the lesbians trousers burst

(42:58):
and he was like just get me the fuck out of here will you need?
To leave. Yeah, I need to leave.
I don't have to sign this. Fat can't stop I.
Signed it. He's saying that, but like, you
do what I mean. I don't have a firm.
I don't have a firm thigh. It's doughy.
So if you can imagine trying to like, write your name on like a
side of bacon. And a pillow.
Yeah, pretty much. I was like, there you go.

(43:18):
Baby. And he was like, you know, but
it was there for 2 seconds for sweat it off.
You didn't want time to get thattattooed on that night, right?
No. But still, not a lot of people
could claim to have other inner thighs.
And by Michael Greco. And was he a gentleman?
Was he? Well, he didn't finger me when
he was he instructed by only. I don't.

(43:41):
I don't think he did. But I mean.
For his overall. Acquittal into something.
For his overall PA appearance, was he a good?
Was he? Would you consider a good
booking? I don't know.
I was only a bar person at that stage, so I was just like.
Give me the ultimate guest that came and did it.
Who's someone where you were? Like what a fucking delight.
Above and beyond. Who did you book where you went?

(44:04):
Callum Best was an absolute gentleman.
Well, I met him not but four weeks ago.
Not but four weeks ago. And I concur.
Yeah, really nice guy he was supposed.
To play in our charity football match.
Injured himself a couple of daysbefore. 8 injure him still.
Travelled. He's stolen.
He is stunning, He is stunning. But he travelled over and he

(44:24):
spoke to everybody and yeah, it was great.
He's a nice guy. Jake.
Do you remember JK and Joel? I think.
You're going to say JK Rowling? No, just in just hitting on
everybody. Not everybody, just trans
people, yeah. JK and Joel.
Yeah, I remember there were, there were a double act, like a
Radio 1 double act that did the chart show.

(44:46):
Rings a bell. Yeah, they were.
And I think one of them used to used to buck somebody.
It was like Louise from a Toyota, but it wasn't one in
Louise. She was with Jamie for years.
Jamie or Emma Bunter or somebody.
Anyway, Long story short, they were good banter, but they were
absolutely Robert. Yes.
Absolutely. Robert, the Geordie Shore kind

(45:07):
of cast that that was the era for me.
Yeah, of PA appearances. They were everywhere.
Yeah, I was out of the game at that stage.
I was gone. She never got a gas from Geordie
Shore. No.
Thy signature. No one knows.
No one has ever seen my thing since.
No, no, no. It's a no.
I'm not going to. I know Crown probably wouldn't

(45:29):
take to my thing. I can write.
Kenya. Yes, I don't know what I'm
writing, but reporters can write.
I I love being a kitchen reporter.
It was great because you it was brilliant crack in the kitchen
and your job was obviously at times you were really busy, but
kind of the least stressful because obviously if the chef

(45:50):
fucks something up with the waiters, fucks something up as a
big knock on effect. You're kind of grand and you
were working with guys your own age as well.
So I I loved it. He's your own age.
Most catching borders are female.
No. Well, anyway, I worked with war.
Did you work? Ever worked in a restaurant?
Yeah, any restaurant you'd work in would be gay.

(46:11):
You're gay. I know.
Well, I'm wearing the fucking sheds.
Did you ever get that? In the post when you're gay, you
get sent that in the post when you come out.
Do you or did? I never work with female KPS.
Did you ever have Chef's shock, also known as Barman's Bomb?

(46:33):
Did the chef have it? I don't know like so barman's
bomb, chef's shock. I don't know what KP's would be
called. KP's cacks.
I don't know. Yes, basically.
So you get it's a lot of chief and in the ass.
Region because it's a sweaty environment.
Sweaty, hot friction. You end up like it's actually
really painful. No.

(46:53):
Do you? Remember that?
No, Probably. Didn't work hard enough.
I didn't, no. I didn't.
It was. It's a real thing though.
Yeah, I I love that job. It was great because everyone
was just chefs or mad characters.
Mental. And then you've got like, plus
we, so it was in the Royal N Yacht Club.

(47:14):
So there was all like you would get most people were 100%
signed, but you would get some like entitlement of people who
maybe because there were millionaires or whatever would
walk into the kitchen. Really.
Yeah, or walk through the kitchen because the kitchen
could be a shortcut, but obviously like, you're not going
to fucking walk through the kitchen.
But these people, because there were members thought that

(47:36):
entitled them. But the restaurant was like an
independent restaurant brought in there.
So it wasn't like, do you know what I mean?
It wasn't like the yacht club's own restaurant.
I don't know. But people thought that entitled
them the walkthrough. So sometimes you're.
A catching Porter in a Yacht Club, Yeah, that's not real work
like. It was.
It's not. It's not.

(47:58):
It's not. But it was just like any
restaurant. But anyway, the chefs if someone
walked through and the chefs sawthem.
It was great. Where a chef called Frankie, big
character, loved them and he would tell people to fuck off
and these people had never been told that.
In their lives and what did theydo?
What was their reaction? All everyone talked and looked
like Boris Johnson or just like they were just awkwardly.

(48:21):
But I loved it great. And you'd have everyone would
have a drink like 1 drink like 1pint after work and then I'd say
go home. That's good.
One whole paint class. Paint cards and like when you've
been working around I. Can't see you drinking a paint?
I would either we paint a harp or cars for pure here 16 me 16
year old melee. How to paint a harp?
We dash layman or something? No.

(48:42):
Take the edge off. No, no.
I was. I was a paintman.
Halloween Splash Lemonade not. No, no, I was a paintman.
Paints a heart blood. I've never drank a paint in my
life. We're I was talking with a
friend recently. Very underrated Heart based
cold. Heart based cold is nice, but
now I'm a cider guy. Like have we paint the cider?

(49:04):
Yeah, but I love the idea of it more than just the having it.
Just the beer give you. Does that annoy you?
Here's. What it would do?
Make me lethargic, tired, maybe 10 bit bloaters.
I was going to say, does make you shit.
No, honestly it's not like even with the wrong food that's not
really the side effect I would get.
I just get I just need a light on like it'll OK, you eat

(49:25):
blanket. OK, That's what it would do for
me. Have we too?
That's not even, that's what I'msaying, not even, not really my
kind of side effect. Somebody worked in the
hospitality industry for a long time and had your own place.
I want to propose something. It's not mean you're going into
business and opening like a Shake Shack or something.
I think in restaurants you should have the option to order

(49:49):
straight away when you get seated because sometimes I've
got the kids or sometimes you'reI don't always want to have to
go through that dance of I sit down, then the menus come over,
then eventually you come over and take the drink order.
Then it's the food order. If we know what we want, I would
like it sometimes because sometimes I feel rude saying

(50:12):
we're actually ready to order because then and the persons
there with a notepad, but then they're like, I'll be bad.
Why? What do you need to get a
different notepad for? I would suggest that maybe you
know, the, the, the waitresses or the waiters that you're
coming into contact with aren't,you know, maybe just very good
at the job. You think so?
You think it's because then I think it's a bad etiquette for

(50:33):
me to go no. Could we actually order now?
If that's OK, point of being a waitress or a waiter or
whatever, or waiting staff is that you anticipate customer
needs, yes. And then you meet them, yes.
And in some cases, if you're me,you exceed them.
Nice. I was a very good waitress.
So, you know, because I mean, especially if somebody comes in

(50:53):
with kids, you're like, right, These these people don't want to
fuck about because the children are probably matters and they
want to get sorted. Never point to me when you say.
I didn't. I gestured.
Don't gesture, you know, So you're like, you know, you know
what I mean? You know, you don't have to go
through that dance. Yes, it's different if it's like
I know. A romantic male.
A romantic male. Because then you want, you want

(51:14):
to elongate it a little bit. Yeah, exactly when I come in.
Reading the Room A bit like comedy, yes.
You've got to read the room. Now.
Here's what I don't like, too. You're sitting in a group set
up. Everyone's ready to order.
One person to go. Should I give you a few minutes?
They go. Yeah.
I think that person should be put on a separate round of order

(51:37):
and then take everybody's. They should be punished.
They should be punished. Take everyone's order.
Who's ready? Come back, take their order, but
don't delay our food for that person.
See, that's a conversation that you need to have with the person
who's being. But I want this to be like
unwritten. I want this to now become a a
thing A. Question is that what Natasha

(51:58):
Bedingfield's you know, Mid Naughty's head was all about?
Did you? Ever have her?
No, no, nor Daniel. There's no bedding you.
Could get Daniel now like. Probably called die.
He's he's having fun though. He's back to her and he looks
like something fun. Yeah.
He wears tie dye track. Suits.
Of course he does. Is there other restaurant
costumes that you saw that you would like to that you would

(52:20):
like to just bring in the publicconsciousness?
Like the way the way it is now in restaurants is like it's just
going to be like a forever. If he's like we can't ever
update things and have the option of would you guys like to
order straight away? That'll never happen, but it
should. But that's, that's, that's to
do. It's not to do with restaurants,
it's to do with common sense andand people having a personality.

(52:41):
Right. What would you like to see
though? What do you go to a restaurant?
What do you what makes you like off?
For fuck's sake. Having to wait for someone to
take an order. Smart art and having to wait to
be cleared and people not checking back.
Do you like regular check insurance?
One check in is sufficient. Yes, your compliment was

(53:04):
sufficient, Lewis, right? Do you get the movie reference?
But I nodded. Like it is American Psycho.
Great movie. It is obviously not that good.
Yeah, I. Remember every word of it.
It was like you studying lyrics and it was a very good layer,
testing yourself and everyone. I feel movies right?
Right. I apply a deep exfoliator to the

(53:25):
skin. Your compliment was sufficient.
This is a better quote than that.
Sure, but I. Have to return to videotapes.
Was that in it? Yeah.
OK, I. Remember what he did in the
mirror? Balkan Yeah.
Don't you like watch and then? Do you like Huey Lewis in the
News I. Like.

(53:45):
That Have you read the book? No, I don't read.
Insanity on another novel. Because American Psycho, you
watch it and then somebody goes watch it like it's a dark
comedy, and then you go, oh, this is totally different film.
What other way is there to watchit?
Of course, like it's comedy. But some people watch it the
first time and think it's like adrama, like serious drama.
I tell you what though, he was in Core and Eckel's name he.

(54:05):
Still is, and he's brilliant in everything he's in.
Yeah, he's class. He's an underrated.
He's the best act, one of the best actors of a generation.
Yes, 100%. Seen Empire of the Sun?
No, he's in that when he's a kid.
Unbelievable. But a Japanese prisoner of war
camp and he sings a song in it. It's beautiful.
John Malkovich isn't, but continue.

(54:26):
I can't remember what I was talking.
About we're talking about the check insurance, yeah, so.
Process is sit down. Hey, guys, what's the crack?
There's menus. Can I get you a drink?
Yes, I'll have a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
OK, go get the drink. Bring the drink back.
Guys like to order. Get the food on.
Can I get you anything else? That folks?

(54:47):
No, we're ground. We've got everything.
Thank you. Then whenever they take like one
to two bites of their food, you come back.
Clearly no bollocks, right? You come back, excuse me, and
you say OK, Is everything OK foryou?
Because it's at that moment, if something isn't right, that is
their chance to say, listen, this is stinking.
This steak isn't cooked properly.

(55:08):
Fucking. Your.
Jeans make a Greco's signature is winking at me in the face.
Whatever. And then you can remedy it.
You can't remedy it whenever themeal is half eaten or or, you
know, whatever. So may Ioffer that once they've
taken that first bite, that's when you would hit them with can
I get you anything else? Because then maybe I want the

(55:30):
leader quick check in because not enough has.
There's not a chance for enough to have gone wrong if you're
coming up after the first bite. First bite is.
The deepest? That too.
Umm, no American cycle, No firstfirst bites.
You don't you don't wait until the end be like, well, you know,

(55:51):
was everything OK for you? Actually, no, this was Mengan.
But I didn't want to say or I didn't want to embarrass myself
in front of my new partner or whatever.
No, because then there's you can't, you can't remedy it.
So it has to be quite early on to give you know.
What's your etiquette around if someone isn't happy with a meal
Once you get your attention obviously like click that is

(56:13):
seen as like that's the worst etiquette of all time 100 but is
this acceptable? Yeah, that is acceptable.
It's also a giant ick. Well.
What would you prefer? A Nazi salute.
No, just a wee. So that so this is an egg, but

(56:34):
no. But you, you look, that looks
like the first time that that the Queen Elizabeth waved and
she wasn't really sure what to do.
Right. Am I doing this right, Daddy?
What about? What about oh so that's OK, or
this? But what about the hand turned
right? What about are we backing?
No, I've had that on to me. No, not like this here.

(56:55):
But what about Are we like the rock and rest?
What about her? No, no, that looks looks like
you're fucking. I smell what you're cooking.
Come here. No change.
It No. I had an old woman did that to
me one time. She back into whether we whether
we. Archaic.
Fingers. Does.
Wait, that's a wee finger in joke.
You're back. Oh.

(57:15):
Yes, if. You guys love that.
What do we do? That's our bread and butter.
An old lady beckoned. You never make that sound effect
on my finger. I'm sorry, she Yeah, she gave me
one of these. A click on the back and.
Click on the back and she followed it up.
I was only a wee, like just a wee ordinary waitress said no,
like I wasn't a supervisor or manager or anything.

(57:38):
So and everything was going to shit.
The whole place was just fuckingsee, there was one of the chefs
just eat out the party, right? And he especially like to party
if United had lost on a Saturday.
So he's not a United fan. He was a United fan.
But if they. Also he's party like he's sad
party. Sad party and frustration party,

(57:58):
Yes, Do you know what I mean? You.
Used to go to the shop name and Nigel Fragis.
Yeah, he used to go to the shop and then he'd come back do.
You think he was taking cocaine?I don't know.
OK. Sorry.
I don't know, so thanks for that.
So he used to get a wee bit likeLarry or whatever and all the
boys said and it was just everything was popping off and I

(58:18):
was like fuck people waiting a long time.
I just I was with a clearing table or whatever.
I was just like walked away and I just happened to make a
contact with this old woman and she hit me with the some
gangsters dissing you fly girl. I was like, and I actually went
over. I went over and I was like,
sorry. And she was like, we've been
waiting 55 minutes. I don't know why she sounds like

(58:41):
a gay man, but she was like, we've been waiting 55 minutes.
What's going on? I was like, so dreadfully sorry.
And then I got into the kitchen and I was like, that.
I can't just fucking collect your fingers at me, snapping
them fingers on her. Fucking osteoporos.
Bitch the the the that is the worst.
Yeah, it is really bad. And then she actually, and it

(59:01):
hadn't seen her ever again. And she came into my cafe.
Then years later, I saw an. Instantly I was like, but of
course you took him. Back to the Fortress of
Solitude. Yeah, I did a murderer A
shipment as we called back. I took her to the bank where
shipment was doing a PA. There's a quote and get his

(59:22):
autograph. You've got the VIP experience.
Yeah. So we're just.
What about a wee noise with that?
What about a? Pigeon.
Do you think does that make it more?
No, that's OK. No, you need to be.
You need to be assertive but polite excuse.
Me. Yeah, sorry.
Just go for sorry, sorry. But what am I apologising for?

(59:46):
For taking the person away from the task that they are currently
engaged in, but the. Task is to look after the
customers. That is true.
Thank you. But do.
You know what I mean? Sorry.
I love saying sorry. Sorry is my favourite word.
And excuse me, feel is too polite and.
He. Sometimes.
Sometimes I'll go eh, sometimes someone goes, I go to pay the

(01:00:07):
bill or something and someone will go sorry with you in 2
seconds and I go here no rush atall.
Or sometimes I go. Fuck, you are here over.
Something no, but listen becausethis comes across in the.
Kitchen Corner for many years, you take all the time you need.
I see like. Real recommend.
You need to go and pour a bucketof grease down a drain.
Off you go. Do you need me to pour £100 down
your shirt? Yeah, do.

(01:00:27):
You have them even pour £100 andso the why did you clog the
fucking dream? So listen.
Sometimes I go could I get the bill?
No rush at all. And sometimes people look at me
like I am being passive aggressive and saying could I
any chance of getting this bill?But I really am going could I
get the bill in your own time? I don't care how long it takes.

(01:00:48):
Irritating. Why?
Because it's fucking irritating in your own times is the most.
I'm not going to say so passive.I wouldn't say in your own time
I go, could I get the bill, Could I get the bill?
Just when you get a chance. No rush.
Why don't you drop the dead palmbullshit for a second and put a
smile on your face back here? No worries, I'm.
So that's a pass aggressive. Well, I just when you get a

(01:01:09):
fucking chance, could I get thisbill?
Any chance of me getting out of here?
Take your time bud. Just feel like, hello, can I get
the bill? There's no panic.
There's no panic, no panic. That's the same as me going no
rush. The culchi culchi expressions
are are completely they're just like we.
Lullabies for the soul. Right, so I.

(01:01:31):
In your own time. Fuck up.
I'm not Jerry Adams PSI. Motherfucker, in your own time,
get out of the car. Yeah, because there's I've, I'm
still serving people in a shop now and whenever people say to
me when you're ready. No, I don't like that.
I don't like. That I am.
I'm serving. I'm making full eye contact You.

(01:01:52):
You've just asked me for 20 cigarettes.
I'm going to turn right and get them, so whenever you're ready.
Sure I tried to. I said this in the podcast once.
I tried to do a good deed recently in a shop because I was
in a garage and I was going through self scan pen from a
gluten free hub, most class in aspa and there was a man being

(01:02:14):
not nice to the fee young femalemember of staff.
He was being really short and really rude and a bit
aggressive. And I was about to walk out of
the shop and then I hovered and then another member of staff was
like, what's going on here? And I said, this guy's being a
bit out of order, just want to make sure everything's all
right. And I waited.

(01:02:34):
And then he was like, he wanted some card topped up, but it was
card. I had never heard of him.
The girl working there didn't know.
And she was like basically like she'd never seen him.
And she's like, she literally went, I'm not really sure if we
do that, but let me. And he went, well, how are you
not sure? How can you not be sure?
Like don't give her any shit. I'll come back here with so
solid crew and I would wrap you into.

(01:02:55):
I'm not. I wouldn't be bringing anybody
else. Daddy's ready to dance.
OK, OK. I don't like it.
She she gets her manager. He's given a bit of shit.
I'm waiting to see with this pleasure.
The manager comes eventually they talk him down the staff,
one of the staff says to me, really appreciate that.

(01:03:17):
And I give it one more Clint Eastwood, right?
One more dirty hurry. I'm satisfied.
I go. Uh huh.
I go to my car, drive off, feeling like I've done a good
turn. Eating.
Eating the gluten free hobnobs with the fucking wrapper still
on. Eating it like an apple.
Absolutely. I couple days later get a

(01:03:41):
message and I see this top of itand it says my name is whatever
I'm the manager at the at said'sbar but that's only bet I can
see on my notification on my phone before I properly open it
up. Which you never do.
Now I'm expecting to be nominated for an award.
Or would we could we put a Facebook post up saying how

(01:04:05):
grateful we are? Or even God forbade some
vouchers for the shop right? Which I probably would give to
some sort of local food bank or something.
Normally the rest of the messagehere it's like.
Princess Diana of the Northern Ireland comedy scene.
And the and the manager of whatever brother, I open up the
rest of the message said you were in on Wednesday.

(01:04:25):
I go in my head I go, yes, it was said you forgot to pay for
your fuel PSN. I've been notified.
You need to make that right. This is another bullshit story,
isn't it? Dan, Have I packed up on this?
You fleeced. In the madness I only.
Himself I saves a customer next the unleaded.

(01:04:46):
I only paid for the gluten free hub knobs.
I forgot to pay for the fuel. That's.
Because you were just because you were protecting.
That's because I'm saving women.Saving women?
Oh, here we go. Maybe we don't need save cheese.
You know what? We'll do that, OK.
Let the man let the man attackerthen over the ice cream.

(01:05:07):
You presumptive bastard, I actually get into a situation
like this in a pet. Shop, but sorry, can I just say
if you've been not manager of that shop now you work for a big
umbrella company, so I get that you can't just make to say it's
not an independent shop. Your hands are tight.
Would you not go not? Got £50 off there.

(01:05:28):
Not got £50 off for him. Would you have notified the
place? I don't.
I think this is a work affection.
I promise, I swear in your life.Right.
Thanks I. Promise there's a way that
happened. I can.
PS And I have been notified. They obviously have to do that,
but I'm going in this situation.Yeah, that's a bit much.

(01:05:50):
That's a bit much. Like because like, yeah, there's
the, you know, I'm assuming theyknow who you are.
Like there's an opportunity whenwe get absolutely rinsed.
Yes, on social media. Yes, you should.
You should name and shame them. No, because I think they're good
people. I feel like because they work
for this corporation, rules are the rules kind of thing.

(01:06:10):
They maybe she would have got into trouble.
All I'm saying is vouchers like there's still time to make this
right. What about OE 50 quids for about
you? Anyway, you were in the pet
shop. I was in the pet shop.
Sometimes you're better off dead.
There's a gun in your head. Any boys in there?

(01:06:30):
Is that the only Pet Shop Boys song you know?
You're always on my mind. You're always on my mind.
James Blunt go get cover. Heart is one of the best songs
ever. Don't My heart keeps missing a
beat. Fuck you what?
It's a sin. It's a sin.

(01:06:53):
It's a sin. It is a sin.
You know, the gay sex. Just ask Robin.
So point is, I was in the pet shop and it was this gay and I
think he was hardly relaxed. I know we was having a fucking
issue with with the girl becausehe had a cat with him, right?
And he didn't have a cat and a carrier.

(01:07:16):
And she was like, you need to put your cat in a carrier, lad.
He went off, right? He's like, what the fuck are you
talking about right now? English.
No, it's Johnny. Where the fuck is she?
I need to convert. Yeah, I'm in for fleet powder
because I touched a fire drift into there.

(01:07:37):
I don't know, but he was just this big, big English guy.
I fucking I will get him in the long grass.
I will fucking remember this to the day.
But he was been really starting it really aggressive, right.
And he and you know, to this this girl, he was like just
really aggressive and I was likebuilding it up.
I was like. He was like.
Fucking because I shake myself and I was like, somebody says

(01:07:58):
something here. I was like here or not.
You know, come on. Like you're alone, like, and
he's like, you shut your fuckingmouth, right straight.
Shut your fucking mouth, OK, Don't get involved.
Shut up. And I was like, I was still
there and, and then the manager came down and blah, blah, blah.
And there was only a couple of people there And she's, you

(01:08:20):
know, she was like, this man's been aggressive.
I was like, I'm not being fucking aggressive.
I'm not being aggressive. And I was like, you literally
just said you were going to smack me in the face.
He also said that as well. He was like, I'm telling you
now, shut up, lesbian. And I was like, oh, here we go
class, right? And I love, I love your shock
look, right. And so then that was fine.

(01:08:42):
Whatever. Someone had already phoned the
police, right, Because he was wewas popping off like, and I was
there to buy a ball for Ollie, right, to throw for him.
And we run outside. So obviously there was, you
know, a member staff there was trying to maintain normality and
was like, come on, can I let yoube there?
So like. He should have said he should
have said I said you haven't hadballs in a while.
Lesbian if he hadn't worked in abetter banter.

(01:09:06):
This game is not in the mood forbanter, right?
This game is in the mood for Muida.
Yeah right. So I went up to pair from a ball
and I just happened to like lookat him and he's like he he
wasn't even looking at me, but he knew that I was looking at
him right. He had his hands on the counter
and he was like, if you look at me one more fucking time, I will
fucking lie you at and I was like.

(01:09:29):
Oh my God. This is lovely.
He probably feels he has to overcompensate because he has a
cat, you know what I mean? It's not a hard man move.
It's not a hard man move unless you're like.
Blofeld. Yeah, they go.
I'll fucking kill you. Yeah, I'll fucking kill you, me
and Ted. It was a pissed off.
There's not that many. There's not that many pet shops

(01:09:49):
around anymore. There's one left in Hollywood
that's closing down, OK. The bodies are going cheap,
cheap. Their bodies are going cheap,
cheap. Sweet, why am I here on my own

(01:10:13):
today? I just thought it'd be it'd be
fun thing. We know we know each other well
enough. Sometimes people have them and
on like hit them on with somebody, another comedian they
know. And then if I feel like it's an
enjoyable experience, we'll just, we'll just.
See, my paranoia? It says that you've brought me
on and whoever was supposed to be on with me has went.
I don't want to be here because she's here, because she's a
melt. I'm crazy.
Shane, look. Steve McFadden did drop by last.

(01:10:34):
Minute. Nope, Nope.
It was Dan. All back me up, Dan.
Dan doesn't. Dan doesn't lie.
Dan's a bitch. He's all he's gingers, even a
lady. I.
Know Dan? He's.
But no, we just thought we'd getyou.
Just go school, just the two of us.
Yeah, yeah, we can make it if wetry.
Now, is that the Will Smith version the original version?
No, I've fucking lost a lot of respect for Will Smith after the

(01:10:59):
incident. Well.
He'd be gutted to hear that. He'd be like, you know.
After the slap. After the slap, yeah.
And just the whole that whole thing, like he just like what
he. Had he's got a bit weird.
There's a thing, there's a thingwith stars and celebrities like
that where once you start, once someone goes, they're not that
cool anymore. You start looking at them one.

(01:11:19):
I can't listen to Miami anymore.Now Miami is a fucking banger.
It is a banger, but I'm like, oh.
No, somebody. Needs to cover it.
Yeah, you should do it. Party.
You do the court. On all night, on the beach to
the break it's on. I'm going to Miami.
Welcome to Miami. Do you?

(01:11:40):
Want me to do the girly? That's and you can do the
rapper. I'll do the great.
But you know, we wrote that song.
Hey, another rapper wrote that song and you can really do it.
No Nas. OK Nas wrote Miami Bills.
Did he actually? And I, yeah.
And I actually, I'm annoyed because I really like Nas and I
think now I should just kept that and done himself.

(01:12:01):
It's a big one to give away. Like student Poppy.
Jocular and yeah, but that is itis a buyer.
I did. I know.
That's a great song. Yeah.
Summertime also. Will 2K.
No, I. Like.
It no, it's awful. I know it's not The Way Home
that's a song. Why do I waste Awful?
No, awful it's not. When I throw.

(01:12:24):
Drew. Hill with him.
No, I don't give a fuck. Drew Hills don't give a fuck.
Drew Hills sounds like, yeah, you know, from home.
Yeah, Through Hill. Through, through, through.
Through no, no good do. You have anything you want to
plug and or promote? Any gigs, any shows, any

(01:12:44):
businesses? Any businesses?
Yes, so. That bird, that birdie joke, was
brilliant. It was shake.
It was Shake. It wasn't.
It was shake, but you can see the moment where I come up with
it and then have to sit on it for a while.
Sit on me. You lesbian Santa.

(01:13:04):
Fly with me. Lesbian Santa.
Lesbian Santa would be great. At 5:00 at the Valley Hotel.
Yeah, Santa Sunday. Yes, Scissoring Santa.
Come on. Santa scissors.
Umm, that's one way to wipe the fucking Michael Greco off your
thigh. Bit of scissor.

(01:13:26):
The only thing that gets it out,that's the only thing that will
get out of Michael Greco signature.
What? Lesbian scissor.
Yeah. Is.
That overrated is that Yeah, I can't do it too far.
No, I'm I'm like the wee, you know, like the wee kids scissors
with the wee round edges. You're doing hedge.

(01:13:47):
You're doing hedge Clippers? I.
Yeah, just the tops open. I don't have the flexibility.
Is anyone enjoying it or is it like is it more an aesthetics
thing? Scissoring.
I don't know, I haven't done a straw poll of all the fucking
lesbians in the world to see howthey're getting on with
scissoring. Just feels like something that's
a wee bit more for sure. You think so performative?

(01:14:09):
Yeah. Yeah, I don't.
Know I think you'd do it in the early days as a BLC.
As a what? A BLC couple?
I don't know what that would be a reason to try Manjaro, yes, to
get some. So that's.
The goal decision, yeah. I don't know.
I still don't think I'd be up for it like I could see.
Willie T Scissor, Yeah, he. Lived on.

(01:14:31):
Yeah. Oh, does he have a vagina?
If anyone's going to. True, I am in the Wessel Down, I
love you. But the tour, the tour I've I'm
not booked down on yet. A big deal.
He's a big woman, Yuri, And I'm shaking myself because of no new
material, because I don't write,because I tell true stories.
I don't make things up like you and your little cohorts.

(01:14:55):
You think everything we, I, it was like, we have a car park
around the back. You can park in it and you're
like, uh huh, what's the catch? Isn't the way you told me I'd
worked it out? Like, yeah, do you put a comedy
couch in the hall for me to fallover?
Was it sitting in the in the Like what if I was in a
wheelchair? But sometimes things just be

(01:15:16):
sitting. Leanne's in a wheelchair, they
fuck's sake. Move that couch.
She's with scissor and flat. Out over the 12th of July.
The only thing we can get you out of?
It's another Michael Grego signature.
Absolutely. Yeah.
So there's no. So we're Tim Mcgarry's coming
down to Warren Point. I believe you've been there
before as part of the Ulster Fly.
So we're doing that with himselfand Darren.

(01:15:37):
And then we have Patty McDonald down and also gain one point on
in Town Hall, in the Town Hall in there on the 16th of August
himself. I think Alan Irwin's coming down
for that and Ian Thompson. That's a lineup.
Terrific. And then?
In the all male lineups but I like it.
OK. And on the 23rd of August, we're

(01:15:58):
in nearly market with Teresa Livingston.
I love her. Brilliant.
Fuck, I love her. And who else is on that one?
I can't remember Teresa's headline.
The bet she does about I hate people go say what a comedian's
bits are. Not a spoiler thing but the
thing about when she was a teacher and the dance music bit.
Oh. Unbelievable.
It's so effortless too. It's just, I just think she is.

(01:16:23):
I look like she can sing better than me.
She can, absolutely. I've never heard her pound on a
teeny. Who else is on that one?
But anyway, yeah, so we're we'rein your market.
So that's so we've got a lot going on in August.
Busy, busy. You should start a podcast.
I tried to, I had one called Must be the music.
And then I get very distracted very easily because I'm I'm a
big music geek and I'm a big serial killer geek.

(01:16:44):
Just saying. Who's your favourite serial
killer? See, I realised like it's not
though, I'm not in that world. Like Dave will tell you straight
away, a lot of it like doing theresearch gives me the willies.
Like I don't like it. I, I wouldn't go like he's
brilliant. I I I it's controversial opinion
and they're all bad, bad guys like.
What? Yeah, I'm women.

(01:17:05):
Well, Eileen Wuornos. Nah, it's don't.
Kill people. What?
Don't kill people. All right, all right, Gandhi,
calm down. David.
Yeah, no, someone's like Ted Bondi.
Like I'd let him kill me. Now do you think I'm more final
question, do you think I'm more Matt Mcgundy or David Gandy?

(01:17:25):
But just be honest and don't do like comedy answer.
You don't think that I do? You don't I?
Do you don't. You're a more pure soul than you
like to admit. More pure sold?
No, I will. Then I'm pure sold.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, but David Gandy probably has a pure soul.
He's just thought. Was David Gandy.
Is that John the David Gandhi? No, I don't know.

(01:17:48):
But David Gandhi cuts through. I don't see now, I don't believe
that there's someone called Thisis bollocks.
You, you've got to the point. This is the way the intervention
happens, where you don't believein the idea of David.
Gandhi, I don't believe in anything that is said within
these walls unless it comes out of Down's mouth, because he's.
Good Gay Dan will know David Gandhi.

(01:18:08):
He does. Exist in Shane's mind OK.
Does the vitamins and all. He does vitamins and all.
We just snorting lames of fucking vitamin C.
OK. Thank you for coming down.
Thank you for inviting me because no one else was
available. I actually think we might.
Maybe we'll just do it on the episode of my phones handy.

(01:18:30):
Well, we find our correspondencedance in the in the TV Me What's
Up group where we were like whatwe say lay on for Tuesday and
there's no mention of other people not being busy or
cancellations. Right.
OK. Because we are transparent,
translucent. You're a fictitious WhatsApp
group sends a class, correct? Now you don't believe in the tea
with me WhatsApp group down creative tea with me WhatsApp

(01:18:53):
group. Immediately.
Thank you for coming down BudgieJoe deserve more.