334. Full Charcuterie Board with Neil Delamere

Sippers welcome! This week I'm joined by comedian Neil Delamere.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
We're rolling at a great time. We're talking about the wall
garden gig and banger, which is undoubtedly the most middle
class gig. That and Dunleary in Dublin is
like middle class gig paradise and you didn't know what's bring
your own. That's how you know it's such a
respectable audience, because you've done it before and you
didn't realise it was. Bring your own, yeah?

(00:21):
That's a very good point. Because you know gigs will bring
your own when people vomit on their knees.
Yeah, you're walking into a gig.You pass a guy with a full on
shopping cart from an ALDI. You're a little larger that you
can't pronounce. At the Wall Garden and Bangor
there was I've got a crowd work clip up about it.
If it was doing anywhere else you would think it was making it
up. There was again the front row

(00:42):
with a charcuterie board. But no, I mean he brought the
board from home. He wasn't doing away set up on
his knee. He had brought like his own
board can. You imagine the bouncer stopped
you for having the wrong cheese knife like they did.
They take your knife off you andthen the hand you one with the 2
little prongs. And bangle they'll they'll let
you in when I you know, because they'll assume it's for a break.

(01:04):
Well, as long as it's the correct knife, yeah, they're
just to hand you. Like, you know, when Dexter's
about to kill someone and open the whole thing, they just tell
you to work your way from the outside all the way.
Are you? I want to talk talking to you
talking about a mountain issue. Are you sure?
I've never been described thus, but I wouldn't say under your
face. I wouldn't say some spicy

(01:26):
sausage. We did.
We did Ivy Gardens in Dublin. The second you left people were
saying, you know, spicy without a charcuterie.
Board. That was the that was the
chance. Yeah.
They like to see it with the intimate cakes and with and
without the charcuterie board. Oh, no, I like, you know, a
smorgasbord of beats and cured beats and cheeses from around
the world. Absolutely.

(01:46):
Yeah. Yeah, I have a crowd work clip
from the same gig that you're talking with, the Banker World
Guards gig. And it was one of my favourite
ever because, you know, you get accountants and teachers, not
rest. And I said what you do.
And the guy goes eh, I sell doggy clothes for.
Not Snoop. Yeah.
What? Not Snoop.
No, Well, maybe now he is a big investor in everything.

(02:08):
So he's watch, if he listens to tea with me, which one has to
assume he does, Let's not. And he, yeah, maybe he's
invested in this and this guy. And I said, what's your most
popular thing? And he said Celtic and Rangers
jerseys for dog for tiny dogs. There's no need to bring dogs
into the sectarian. Oh, no.
Then I just worked on which dog would which, and I was like, OK,
so Chihuahuas, Mexicans, Catholics.

(02:30):
Yeah. Celtics.
Yeah, right. Scottish Terriers, probably
Rangers. And then we just divided dog
breeds. Rangers.
Absolute Queens, Dog Rangers allthe way up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alsatians just Hearts, just to
kind of mix things up a bit, yeah.
Yeah. He was absolutely brilliant.
So it's most and I might, we might as well give him a plug,

(02:51):
right? I said, what's the name of the
place? And he goes.
It's urban pop. Right.
And I said to because PUP anywhere else in Belfast or
Belfast, surrounds or not, our NDown might be something else,
but it's urban. Pop, now you have a dog.
I have two dogs. Yeah.
Oh no, Yeah. So I fostered the second one and
then we found a home for the second one.

(03:11):
Yeah, I have a dog. I have a three legged dog called
Lola. Have you got any gear off this
guy? You do you put clothes on your.
No, no, unless it's very cold. Because you have naked dogs.
She's just. Wandering around, she shaves
herself. It's really weird.
That's a Sunday One headline. You get down to naked.
Dog weirdo Del. Brackets.

(03:32):
Yes. Did she could 31 clothes
brackets she shaves herself sometimes she waits to make eye
contact as she runs to Gillette slowly for another regions.
No, I put AI would put a coat onher in the winter because she's
a lurcher like and they've no body fat.
But no, generally I would be. Hot.
Not even against no full balaclava.

(03:55):
Full balaclava. She wears a smaller dog as
earmuffs. Do dogs get cold?
You ever say it? Do you ever look at your dog and
go all the dogs? Cold.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean like I do see when I had
a dog in the 80s when I was a kid, like people forget like the
80s nearly like the minding level on a dog was slightly
different in that you didn't mind that you just fed them and
you. Left him the.

(04:16):
He wonders. Kind of.
Yes, the best phone call we evergot was from a guy down the road
and he rang because my dad had let the dog wander I was
accidentally. So we know, we we know who the
Baja Man song was about. We've got to the bottom of it.
Yeah, if I let the dogs. John Delamere Finally the the
question has been answered. Long enough to the end of that
song, they do say. Yeah, yeah.

(04:36):
There was a radio version where he wasn't named, and then there
was a full on 12 minute album version where at the end they
just went as John Delamerica as anybody was wondering.
You've gone. You've fully gone.
I don't even think it's, I don'tthink it's the idea that it's
your dad that they were talking about.
I think it's the idea that there's an album version of it.
Let the dogs. Or the listing, I mean, they

(04:59):
list the dogs. It's like the banger clip.
They go through breeds. It's a really, it's a seminar
work people don't listen to. There's a big site called who
put the cats in? But like, you have to be a real
like a hipster. Sippers, this episode of the Tea
With Me podcast is sponsored by none other than that prize guy.
I'm not talking about any prize guy.
I'm talking about that prize guy, my paddle partner, that

(05:22):
prize guy.co.uk. You can head over there and see
what competitions he has going. And I'm not talking about
Ireland's seventh biggest prize competition page.
I'm talking about Ireland's biggest prize competition page.
Last month that prize gave me their 10th millionaire at
someone who just won £1,000,000.Dan, give me an example of a

(05:44):
competition because there's there's all those big prizes
over on that price. Give me like a wee.
Give me a wee silly one that we fun one.
Is he doing like a we doing a welike Airfryer First 2P or
anything? I think he's beyond airfryers.
No didn't we doing like we BM extra?
You get a BMW. That's it.

(06:04):
And that's that's a low price for him.
But give me like, what's the what's the like, you know, is
your, is he doing any stuff? Is he doing any like you know,
TV DVD combos built it like ATV with the DVD player built in or
anything? Seems to be more cash giveaways.
100 ground. 300 grands. She said.
I want to win 300 grand, OK, AndI want to be in in that mix.

(06:27):
Yeah. What's the tech it going to
cost? Currently, as we're recording
it, sex quid, yeah, 90P. 90P. 10pence back from a 1 LB coin.
Yeah, Sterling. As far as I know.
Jesus. And that's incredible, that
prize guy.co.uk, check out all the prizes that are going on.

(06:47):
You've you've competitions from from the bottom to the top and
everything. And trust me, everything in
between and all the trimmings dot price guy.co.uk.
I'm also going to point you in the way of our
patreonpatreon.com/tea with me podcast.
I'm not going to tell you about the Monday bonus episodes, the

(07:08):
Friday live streams, the boozy Bake Off, the SSC live pod
that's coming up. Patreon.
My stand up special going to go on Patreon.
It might have already by this point, like a a day or two
early. I'm telling you about the fact
that I'm putting up heartfelt rants about Lee Ryan from Blue
being one of the best singers ofhis generation.

(07:30):
And do I regret putting the post?
Yes. That it backfire, it backfired.
But what I'm saying is you're not getting out anywhere else.
You're not getting this level ofLee Ryan debate on any other
Patreon. That's patreon.com/TV Me
podcast. You want to come and see me
live? She and talk comedy.com.
My tour is up there. Some shows are close to go and

(07:52):
I'm talking Glasgow, I'm talkingDublin, I'm talking Newcastle.
I think we might be adding showsand I'll have the likes of
Australia, New Zealand, America,Canada, some Middle East stuff
coming down the line soon. She and talk comedy.com.
Let's get back to this damn thing Patriots are.

(08:15):
Free. This guy rang us.
We were. I was at home.
I took the phone call. I can't remember what age it
was. And the guy, what do you have?
A black Labrador? And I went, Yeah, he went.
It was a pause. He went.
He rode our bitch. And then he went.
And then he ate her dinner and you just feel like player.
I mean that. Is normally the other way

(08:36):
around. Yeah, but like what a legend.
The dog walked home and he was lame for from high 5 and other
dogs on the way home. I'm going to go to skip over
your dating technique there, by the way.
Oh, I, I first first. OK, for a second I thought you

(08:56):
were going to say he said. Did you ever you had a do you
have a black Labrador? Not anymore, You don't.
So I'm glad that that oh. That that worked.
I mean, that would have been a much darker turn.
Absolutely. And a triumphant canine story go
with and I mean, I think the clip.
Let's pick the clip. I've never owned a dog.
You could go for the Edgar. The Edgar?
I mean, I think we all know why we're at the dog, no?

(09:19):
Never and that like. Any pets?
Of our goldfish, more goldfish than I've had dogs because I've
never had a dog. Well cool, because I thought you
were going to say eh, fish suppers there.
No. Which again, darker.
Yeah. Umm.
You have had cash? No, no.
Other had like 4 goldfish maybe and that's it.

(09:41):
But are they not as a goldfish, not all the responsibility of
having a pet, none of the affection or crack?
These guys, sometimes we give you like a look.
What sort of look? Right flirtatious.
No, just like a that they were having a good time that's hungry
if you're looking just like that.
Like obviously they can express me too much, but like this?

(10:04):
Which is hard to do with withouteyebrows because I would say
your look like Roger Moore's acting is 90% eyebrow at the.
Moment. OK, I'll deal with that.
I'll deal with. That OK too?
No, that's nothing. That's just you staring at me.
Oh yeah, no, no, I saw my palsy.That's what that is.

(10:27):
What age you when you had the goldfish?
Umm 7 yeah, OK, I had I had Zig and Zag and then I had York and
Cole. They were my goldfish.
OK. And I've told the story before.
They they, well, Dwight York died.
Not sorry if you're just tune the name, not umm, Dwight York.

(10:48):
The goldfish died umm. Was killed by Jordan.
I mean that would be cool if herrevenge was so intense that she
couldn't get to the actual joy she.
Tracked on the one person whose pet was named after York.
Yeah. Umm.
So what happened was we had themat my, at my mom's house number.
I brought them to Medallas housebecause my mom's from the

(11:08):
holiday and then so I was there for two nights.
The first night, Dwight York died the second night, and I
don't want to implicate my dad. The second night, Andy Cole
killed himself. He killed himself.
Well, there was a mark on the edge of the tank.
Yeah, how does a goldfish kill itself?
He swam as fast as he could at the tank because there was a

(11:31):
mark on the tank and he was deadthe next day.
And there's no coincidence Dwight Yorker just died.
The next morning. Andy called.
I mean. The difference between my dad to
liberate dogs and your dad to murderous fish.
It's a huge difference, isn't it?
It explains our respective outlooks.
I also need to point out on the last podcast, I danced around

(11:53):
the fact and maybe suggested that my that we're talking about
steroids. And I talked about the fact that
my dad may or may not at one point have once taken steroids.
I spoke to him about it. Yeah, he's happy for me to
confirm it was a full cycle of steroids.
It was a full 8 week cycle. A full 8 week.
He took a full 8 week cycle of steroids and him and his mate

(12:14):
who won't name, injected each other in the butt.
Was steroids. Wow, Yeah.
Do we know when this was? Because I met him at that
charity match recently, Yeah. And I think he might be used it.
Again, he's back on it. Yeah, he asked you that.
He took his pants down and said.I didn't.
He didn't say it. He didn't say it.
No needle. Sound.

(12:34):
I didn't say it, I put I rubbed my hands across his.
You haven't sex with my dad. No, no, I would.
Hate it if you remind you step maybe handy like raw material,
but that kind of I get that would be benefits of it, but it
would be. The rest?
Of us, I think. Because I've already known you.
Yeah, you know. I don't know if then.
You'd be doing material, but you'd be doing material.

(12:55):
About, I'd be doing a lot of. Material about your new husband
and that's my dad I runs off yeah yeah, I just.
I ran around my fingers over hisback knee and embrace it said.
Amusing is there? Any chance that the pronis came
from? From the steroids to my dad has
pronis disease. Right.
Do you? Know what that is?
You have to drink Italian beer. No it.

(13:18):
Damn. What is Brody's?
My dad has bury a Maratha beer. It's really sad.
My what happened. It manifests itself is if he
doesn't have a table, he puts suitcases down in the trade
station. Just a minute symptom me.
He puts a big checker to table cloth on.
It well my dad gets an erect penis.

(13:38):
It goes off to the side. How do you know?
I'm only taking him at his word and I feel like it's something
you wouldn't lie about. Could you use?
It's not something you're going to flex with.
Could you use him to find Walter?
No, only ghosts. No, you need another guy.
My dad only has one deck. Yeah, but he can point both

(14:00):
directions, presumably. Yeah, but I think you need for
those rods, you need two of them.
So he would. Need no.
You hold, you see, you hold themat this end.
Do you need 2 rods? You need 2 rods.
Is that what it is then? The Ghostbusters.
I mean, it's it's factually accurate.
So I haven't seen Ghostbusters. They get their decks out and
they're. What they do now?

(14:20):
Walk because a walk. OK, so he has he, he has Peronis
disease. That's right, yeah.
Yeah, and and so so he. When his penis gets, can I say
erect? When it gets erect, it's my
dad's penis. When it gets erect, it, it he
has no control. It might sometimes it like
bends, paint like in all different directions and ships.

(14:43):
And there's no rhyme or reason to all, all ships.
He he, he told me, he said like a pig's tail.
He said to me. Pigs tail or you know those, you
know other. Things you blow, the things when
you turn up and down, they've the blue.
Know what a party where you're acknowledge?
That's pretty good. Blue, but I don't know what

(15:05):
you're talking. About, you know, the tubes, the
plastic tubes, you when you're akid, you turn them upside down.
There's we think, and it goes. Blue no.
You don't know. I have no idea what you.
Guys never got this these in theSouth.
No. You're missing right there were
plastic tubes. You turn them upside down, they
go blue. OK, I mean this.
Is our other age up here it? Doesn't sound great.

(15:25):
Crack grip. It's limited.
I I want you to go online. I want to see an image.
This before nothing. Nothing else you've been talking
about. I don't want to see an image of
anything else. You guys have Furbies, you have
your Game Boys, and we had yes. That was the main.
Main difference, but what were you blown into?
Do you know when you're a party thing that goes and then it

(15:46):
goes? Oh, the.
It unravels that. Yeah, That's a better one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's they're called them.
Party favour, Sir. No, no party.
Party favourite or at a wedding you would give gifts to your
guests on the table. That's a party favour.
I thought of party favour was like.
The last party favour you want to my dad Peroni's disease

(16:09):
ridden deck on the table. Last or first?
He has it, but he hasn't. He Britain.
Up. He has that, yes.
I was going to say how did he bring this up, but probably to
decide how did he? Yeah, not straight.
Introduce How did he tell you he.
Just sat me down one day. And laughing, you felt something
weird. He said.

(16:29):
He said look over your shoulder.Yeah, he just might.
That sort of guy would just tellyou that he you'd have to ask
him not to show you, and he wouldn't even be doing it in an
announcement. He's go crack your dad.
He's good crack. He'll show you his broken.
Dick OK, my dad's good crack. So my dad's 90, right And.
No peronies that we know of. No, you get to a point where.

(16:51):
But you don't know he doesn't. You don't care, I know he tell
you as well, right? He was one standard beside this
is how dark it was with the he was once standing behind.
Well I caught the cops things once when I when he was about
80. I found him ripping his name and
address off letters. And thank God, because just a.
What he found, Yeah. Yeah, you.

(17:12):
Said you caught him ripping and I didn't know where that was.
Going OK, OK, but it's easier ifyou let me finish this.
I apologise. No, because your mind is dark.
I found him. I found him letting dogs out.
Look, I found him ripping his name and address of letters and

(17:34):
bills that he was thrown out when he was about 80.
And I said to him, cut your fairBetty, like you know about the
identity theft and you're all over it.
And he was like, what are you talking about?
I'm just using someone else's bin and I don't want to know who
it is. And then the other thing I
called once, eh, he came out andtold me this.
He was standing behind somebody.He was about 85 at this point.

(17:55):
He was standing behind a fellow who was buying, who was about 80
as well, who was buying black bin liners and like a spade.
And he said, I think he leaned over his shoulder.
You went out and seen him and just went.
I see you're bringing the way tothe Dublin Mountains.
Imply he was going to murder andbury his wife in a well known
Dublin criminal gangland burial site.

(18:17):
Oh, how they laughed. Like, yeah, that's the thing.
If he says that to my dad, he loves it.
But there's going to be men likethat that don't, don't
appreciate the insinuation that they're going to murder,
brutally murder their wife. Yeah.
But the other thing was your manalready had killed his wife that
day. Talk about coincidence.
No, like they get to a certain age.
And I love, I love the kind of freedom that older Irish people

(18:38):
have, probably older everybody has actually.
Yeah, my, yeah. My dad's a character.
Do you think you'll be a character?
Do you think you'll be a character when you're older?
Yeah. But I don't think it'll be as
acceptable for us. I think we'll trend, I think.
Yes. Like he, he was once the other
one I saw him out recently was we went to, he had to go to this

(18:59):
funeral, right? And he sitting halfway down the
church. Now, we didn't know the person
really who had died. So but it was kind of wasn't
particularly sad, if you know what I mean.
He's just going to pay in his respects.
And then the, the person, the Eucharistic minister got off the
altar to go down the back of thechurch to hand out communion.
And I said to my dad, I said, you're going to go to the top of

(19:21):
the church. He's like, not so far.
I said, you're going to go back down the back to church.
He was not so far. And I said, what are you going
to do? And he's just like watch.
And all he did as the minister walked down, he just leaned out
of the pill like that, full on mouth open, eyes closed,
referee. And they didn't miss a trick,

(19:42):
did it like and he was like a dog in the frisbee.
It was unbelievable. Now The thing is, if that gets
out, that starts a trend. Oh, Oh yeah, that's, yeah,
that's a move, you know. When wrestlers walk out and
they're high 5 on both sides of the audience.
Yeah, that's what that is. Yeah.
He has to. He has to wrestler, move.

(20:04):
I just think the well. Do do you think you wanted you
like when we're all guys, do youthink you want to be doing stand
up? Because obviously there's stand
ups Who stop in their 50s or whatever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stand up, shoot gig until they
die. I think it depends on what
you're doing. I, I still get excited about

(20:25):
coming up with a new joke, but like, So what happens if you
come up with a new joke and you've no outlet for that?
Do you put it into your novel oryour, or your sitcom or whatever
like that? I mean, there's some people who
got better and better and betterand better.
Like, Carolyn was brilliant, actually died, you know,
Depends. Yeah.
So if you're doing, if you're like to be pretentious and

(20:46):
serious, but I suppose if you'restill enjoying yourself, what
you don't ever want to be is, you know, people who are trying
to chase relevance. Yes.
But if you've never been relevant, happy days.
Yeah, I have absolutely no interest in being relevant.
Yeah, I want people in the room to enjoy themselves.
I have no interest. After that, yeah, I thought I
just knew. I Oh well, no.

(21:09):
No, no, we used to. We're still trying to be.
Do it in your 50s. Oh yeah, definitely.
I definitely think so. It depends.
I always think it depends on thelevel that you're out in your
head and all those things. If you're doing it, but you
don't have to do it. You can convince yourself to do
things so you know how to expand.

(21:30):
So I don't want to have to travel to the backside of
America, for example, and do a tiny little room somewhere and
stay in a ropey place, right? I don't want to have to do that.
But if that was in service of, oh, who knows what that would
lead to? You, you.
You would do because you might want to do it.

(21:50):
Yeah. What happened to him?
1222 entirely different things, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You know.
What I mean, yeah, I suppose if you think like this is the weird
thing about like television. Television seems to tend towards
particularly now towards making things and getting people who
are kind of under 30 to be on TVeven though nobody under 30 is
watching TV. And but on stand ups only get

(22:11):
good when they're I've been doing it for Rich Hall starting
to Adam Hills with a rich Hall said the Adam Hills and that
Adam Hill said me he goes don't even talk to me until you've
been doing this for 10 or 12 years.
Yeah, which is, oddly enough, maybe in your 50s is when you
get to become. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could probably be doing a 25years.
What do you what do you did you start at?
Sort of. Eh, I was 22 and.

(22:34):
Did you feel like when you startat that age, did you knew
yourself? No, right.
Hadn't a clue. Yeah, that's what I love about
certain people. I I've always like Chris Kent
because Chris Kent, eh, liked Chris Kent knew how to do his
way. I don't know if he even wants to
do it any other way. I don't know if he can do it any
other way. I think he probably can, but he
just went, this is what I want to do.

(22:55):
And I, I've always liked that. And sometimes, but sometimes
people go, Oh, you know what I'mgoing to do?
I'm going to find my voice. And then after 15 years, like I
haven't found my voice, you go, maybe your voice like is every
man. Maybe your voice is and also
just because you think you're not unique.
Maybe you're the only person whothinks like you, so you think
other people think like you, butthey don't, so they're all just

(23:16):
be is you. Yeah, yeah.
That's all you have to really be.
What about you? What about you?
Did you start? Have you changed that's?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because.
Because when I started, I was trying to impersonate whatever
comedian I was enjoying at the time.
OK? I thought everyone in that room
would prefer to see. Right.
Just in terms. So with the Cosby years we
should ignore. The Cosby years and yet the the.

(23:38):
Yeah, those jumpers hit and suityou.
And the face pin wasn't ideal now that we look back at, but
this was 2005. Yeah, yeah.
But I think I was, yeah, I thinkit was very much like.
Then you did Margaret Cho. And yet so you didn't learn at
all. Still doing that actually.

(23:59):
Yeah. The last time will be an
electric picnic this week, OK. And I'm going to retire that,
OK. And then I'm going to perform as
a Caucasian man. I'm going to try that.
Just you. Yeah.
I'm adding the cock on to because normally an Asian man OK
but I was a cocko to the side. What?
What did I say? Yeah, you got parodies to see,

(24:21):
so yeah. How long did it take you to
find? When I was 30, probably.
Right, OK, you know how, what did you start?
18, right, 12 years I would say.Before I was properly like, oh,
I'm not thinking about a personahere because it's just me, you
know, And I'm like even things that we because at the very

(24:45):
start of this we were talking about matinee shoes because
you're doing a matinee show on Bangor.
Yeah, see, even though I send stuff like online and being like
guys, I'm I'm trying to get the,the shows are not my tour shows
and I'm starting to half 7 instead of it.
Before I would have been like just going along with anything.
But now I'm going no, I'm a guy and people now know I'm a guy
that likes to go to bed early. That's going to be coming across

(25:06):
in the shows. So I'm comfortable to go.
I go to bed when I was younger, I've been like, I stay up till
midnight off stage. I have been saying that too, and
I wasn't, you know, but I love. The fact that midnight is is
still your latest. Sometimes when I'm walking home
I see like carriages turned intopumpkins.
No, we're talking about midnight, yeah. 12:00 Yeah.

(25:28):
Yeah. Are you doing a bandit?
Oh God, yeah, you do. There's the reason this is on a
3:00. Do you go to bed later?
Yeah, I've. I think I have a reputation for
working an awful harder than I do.
No, you're always You're doing 4tears at once sometime, eh?
I'm doing. Different language I got.
To do 2 tours, yeah, got to get that.
Also Scott's grant money. I've seen you.

(25:48):
I've heard you, like, do draw itand dock simultaneously.
At times you'll do a joke and want to drive to the neck and
then points back. Yeah.
Yeah. Seven.
Our show, it's too. Long, but the laughter lasts so
long. Back in time they come be the
pad repeal it could be two different places at once Why do
I feel the need to set an extra bit it's cosmic banger I just
think probably this won't get the reference No there will and

(26:10):
I I think that I can't even remember the question no I do go
to bed late yeah always go to bed late and then get up late as
well thought that but you're right the difference though
between you go on and listen anddo make gigs A half seven is the
the biggest change in comedy is I don't know if it's the biggest
change kind of developmentally but the biggest change usually

(26:32):
is you go from headlining to people to go and see you yeah
and once people go to see you and then you kind of you can
kind of dictate the terms a little bit then you can go
listen guys can we start a half seven and and a theatre is going
to go where we want you and Toddin so yes we can start to have 7
so. And I'm only working my way back
from. This is only where.
This is only the start of. It oh, I think we all know that.

(26:53):
We're going way back, yeah. I have an image of you.
I have an image of you and you'll start your closer.
That's a different thing. That's why screensaver, you will
start your closer as the countdown conundrum music
starts. Yes, you know, and that will be
yes, you'll be gone. Late afternoon show?
Yeah Weekday, Yeah. Weekend off.

(27:14):
Yeah, weekend. Basically, what we're all trying
to work, this is the thing that people think of comedians that
we all, we're trying to work back to your schedules.
Yes. The normal people schedule, yes,
as we guess, yeah. Well, you, I think we were
talking about linens. Last time we were we were
talking, we were backstage at Ivy Gardens and I think we had a
linens. We did have a linen chat, yeah.

(27:36):
We're such rock'n'roll and charcuterie linens and
countdowns. You know what backstage at Ivy
Gardens, because I was only in for The One Show and then
straight out and there was the perfect amount.
The people backstage 4 comedianswere all quite spread out.
Yeah, it was at a good amount oftime to have a chat with
everyone. Yeah, but not, you know, at the
then a quick, you know, not a there wasn't big groups.

(27:57):
Yeah, and we didn't drop any bombs, you know, because there's
always American comics there, and they're all slightly worried
about going on. And we were all very pleasant
and like if you wanted to, you could really just mess with them
as they walk on stage. Just, you know, just don't
mention bushes, just drop something.

(28:17):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can talk about anything you
want and not backgammon. This is a real anti backgammon
crowd. She also say go on because that
a lot of them like they're really, have you noticed?
They're really talk themselves into an Irish audience, being
different. We're not I.
Think they think our culture is so wild and everyone's going to
be blind drunk and it's going tobe crazy and.

(28:40):
Yeah. And it was a comic just about to
go on. And the issue is someone had
said to her, was it they told her to slow down her act or they
told her to. Yeah, Yeah.
Because she was like somewhat. No, I think she's talking about
the comedian's 10. She's like, oh, someone just
told me that I should do this. And she was in her head and
yeah, me, you and someone else were like.

(29:01):
Your act, yeah. Whatever you're acted, that's
why you've been booked for this,but.
I've noticed and I've done a fewyears, I've done the other
gardens a few years and Kenny was the same and Melbourne is
the same. They sometimes because it seems
when you're watching TV anyway some of the audiences in America
like the response is so amazing that sometimes when an American

(29:23):
comic comes to Ireland and does something and an Irish audience
gives it a bit of a laugh but not a massive laugh.
They take it as a judgement on them like personally whereas
actually Irish audiences it takes maybe a little bit more to
get them we're not as giving Simmons British audience yes you
know you know the thing the big thing used to be I've just lost
100 lbs and if we get in clap inAmerica and everybody here be

(29:44):
gone. OK, Yeah.
But nothing. Yes.
And and that's all it means we don't dislike you.
We sometimes see them spiral into or they don't like me.
They're not going to like the next bit.
They're not going to like the next bit.
Yeah, yeah. And actually, if they'd more
than did more than a weekend, did be did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. RIP gigs, you know?
Yeah. Were you away in the summers?
That way we could talk about linens?

(30:04):
Did you? Was it something you were trying
to for holiday? No, no.
Have you always been a Linens guy?
No, no, I don't ever, ever want to be described as a little as a
linens guy. Yeah, he was.
You're one of the biggest linensguy I know.
Yeah, I mean flax he was. He was always into flax.
And what a flax. Flax is what linen is made from.
Flax seeds. Yeah.
Yeah, Flax. From you're from this part of

(30:27):
the island, you should know about shipbuilding and linen
I've discussed. There's nothing I don't know
about shipbuilding, but. Flax.
Yeah, I know anything about shipbuilding.
No, I think we know that. My grandda worked in the
shipyard. But I had already jumped ahead
to You were going to ask me about the production of
briquettes and awfully, and I thought, I'm in trouble here.
Yeah, I'm in trouble. But even like, you know, even

(30:49):
like my ground, the working shipyard, I think I could make
it. I could make more of a Titanic
thing stick if I wanted, you know, like he was involved with
or something. But no, he no, I don't even
think he I don't think he did. He was an actual shipbuilder as
such. And did you talk to him about it
ever? No.
Was he gone before you? No, I was just probably at any I
think he was like 12 when I died.

(31:10):
So I was like, I won't. I was not.
I don't I don't know. I didn't even I don't still
don't really even know a lot of my grandparents names, first
names. Yeah, you know I never.
We have that in common. I don't know your grandparents.
But I just, yeah, you would not be asking about their life or
anything. Because my dad is old and he was
old when he had me, I kind of talked to talk to him about

(31:31):
that. So it's almost like talking to a
granddad because things are so, dear Jesus, so unbelievably
different. Yeah.
His first ever glass of wine, hetold me only recently, was when
a Soviet, umm, a crowd came overfrom the Soviet Union to see in
1953 or something, to see how the Irish lads were harvesting

(31:54):
the bugs for fuel and for peace.And you're just gone.
Like that is as far removed fromyou and I talking about shark,
Leonardry and Linden that you could possibly imagine.
Yeah. So like the people that did, he
grew. So he got electricity in 1950
something. And 1950s in certain part of

(32:15):
Ireland was closer to the 1850s.And yeah, yeah, you know, umm,
so they've seen a weird, weird amount of weird amount of stuff.
No, I can't remember what we were talking about, but that's
another case in point. You get to a certain age and you
go that's I don't care what anybody says about what you wear
or what you say on stage or whatyou, what will you want to do
stuff on stage like that, you know?

(32:35):
You meet. I feel like increasingly I meet
more people who were on your stack in Barcelona than ever.
I like. Tim told us about it once on the
pod. He was talking about, like, it
was like the last trip he'd beenon or something.
Yeah. Goes away from.
And then I got talking to somebody else who was on it and
then someone else who didn't expect to be on it.
And I was like, I'd never heard anything about this stack.

(32:58):
Yeah. And now I feel like it's a bit
like you don't even talk about something and then you check
your phone. Yeah.
And it's an ad for Dominoes. Yeah.
And you go, someone's heard me mention this.
I know everyone's coming out of the woodwork.
Well, a friend of mine organisedthat.
We went to Barcelona to, to go and see a Barcelona match.
Yeah. And umm, did they tell you what

(33:18):
happened? So I didn't realise this.
If you go and your man organises, my best man organised
that and he got his tickets and all the rest.
If you go to Barcelona, what happens is, and we all went out
drinking the night before and then we got up the next morning
and there's a thing at receptionfrom the guy who organised it
all right, at the Spanish contact.
And it was it's you go in and other people's season tickets,

(33:41):
which I didn't realise, right. But they also have their names
on us. So your man goes don't speak
English at the gate. Now this is.
You have to pretend to be Spanish.
Which is fine for some of the lads, but you're talking about
14 of the most sunburned 10 million gallons freckled Irish
people. You very One of the guys got
sunburned between the passenger door and the boot of the taxi.
When we pulled up to the hotel, he came out and he got his bag

(34:05):
and he got his face was red. And I was like, I was like a 42
year old mother of two who was, yeah, I can't remember her name,
but it was. So we all turned up terrified.
Not that so 14 of us whatever we13 of us went through, but one
of the lads was still slightly neighbour from the night before

(34:28):
and eh, rather than just head down and walk through because
you won't get into trouble, he decided to motor whatever
rudimentary Spanish he had to stop.
He was just like if Fernando Torres Spanish football players
and then he went. He got through and some secure.

(34:49):
I'm trying to remember. Some security guards stopped him
and he went, he went, hold on. And it was 13 other lads had
gotten through and he went, you're not Spanish and Rona
went. Neither are you Barcelona.
Your mom was like, yeah. Are you telling me Tim had to be

(35:11):
temporarily Spanish? Yeah, because I love that.
If Spanish people were like Oh my God, that is daff.
Yeah, Tim was temporarily Spanish yeah.
Is there any more Irish looking ahead on anybody in the history
of humanity that Tim McGarry andyeah L Tim as we call them for

(35:33):
the night. It was a great rubbish game but
we got to see messy so we can say we saw the.
Was was that your last large trip?
Probably, yeah. Because I that's definitely the
age I'm approaching where like no one's having stags and that's
a sad time when the last year friends get married because then
you're going. Somebody needs to take one for

(35:55):
the team here. You're going to go for get a.
Divorce next for stag too. You know, you're like, please,
like. Do you know the way for for
stags or for weddings? There's, there's, there's places
or for, for engagements like, oh, we went to Rome.
I brought, you know, when you'regoing out with a girl.

(36:17):
Oh, I brought it to Rome. Oh, are we expecting an
announcement? There's no terrible place that's
associated with divorce. I think that that could be there
could be like, oh, me and me andJane are hitting the brakes here
and I bought it to Lurg and like, oh, can we expect a

(36:38):
divorce announced. I think if you're going for a
long weekend in Blackpool. You think there's trouble at
home? I think that's going to be,
that's going to be make or breakit.
Should be divorced tourism. Yeah.
But like if Vegas, everybody gets married in Vegas, where
does everybody get divorced? In the States.
Anywhere. It's got like for Ireland now, I

(36:59):
got to be careful because I'm thinking what Irish tour dates
do I have on seal and what timeslike I mean.
It should be somewhere. Bad though, that's what I'm
trying to think of yeah. Somewhere I don't have on seal.
OK, you know, OK, like a England.
What's happening in Nice? Yeah.

(37:23):
You've got a nice deal on I've got 3.
I quite like to people in this. What are we not going?
I don't know them. I don't know them.
Do you know? I don't know them yet.
OK, yes. But if there's a good venue
there, it's not going to be on the on my divorce.
List the power of yes, yeah, obviously that Meghan Markle
interview. Yes, I haven't sold out this.

(37:45):
Yeah, it's it's. I mean, things like that are
never going to work in Ireland. The power of yes or like willing
a thing or no, you know? No, there's no time.
I once did it and I've only everdone it once, a triathlon, a
small short triathlon. And during the run part there's
all, yeah, there's Irish people watching, shouting, encouraging

(38:05):
things. And I found that one of the most
disingenuous things. I've, I mean, they meant well,
but you just don't take it well at all.
Just Irish people line up good, you got this.
And you're like, that's nice. That's it shouldn't be said in
the in the accent. No, it should be said in the
sexual health clinic by an Irishman.
Yeah, you got this, followed by I think you've given it to me.

(38:27):
That should be the only thing. Or they should check stuff like
you that vaguely positive but kind of believable.
Like you're not as shy as I thought you'd be.
You've it looks like you've got it, but if you turns out you
don't have it, don't be worried.Don't be too worried, don't be
too hard. None of us have it.
Why would we want this? Speaking of Meghan Markle.
Yeah. Who?

(38:48):
Who are some of the most famous people you've gigged in front
of? Have you done a?
The way you said, speaking to Meghan Markle, who are that's
all right. So who are the most people,
famous people I've ever done a gig in front of?
Yeah. Have you been at a corporate of
you? I did the gig and the former
head of the RUC was, as I think it was, the PS tonight, the time

(39:11):
actually former head of the PS and I was in Edinburgh.
Just a regular gig or a corporate?
No regular gig regular gig in Edinburgh in the gilded bloom in
the great room upstairs, small room of stairs got a balcony.
Is it a billiard? I can't remember which it is.
And the shows have been running over.
You know the way the shows people don't know the Adam
Fringe Festival, the show run and you have to get you have to

(39:32):
get everybody out of the venues to the next shopping.
Quinn and then show before me, two before me, then one before
me. They're all running over, so
halfway through the show I realised I've been have a bit of
crack with him and. Did he say what he did?
Yes, he said. We did.
So the audience knew. And then I realised that I was

(39:52):
the only opportunity I'm ever going to get to Thanked
everybody, was great show, thanked everybody.
And then I had to look at a former head of the PS and I
uncle you've got to witness to get out.
Fairness to him, he laughed JeffDunder's chair and then and then

(40:13):
laughed. Yeah, he was a gig once.
And Kush Jumbo, who's in? Kush Jumbo.
Yeah, who is in The Good Wife ofthe good fight?
And she played Hamlet and she's put out a gig.
Yeah, used to meet people on. You got to birth name.
You think it's a? Stage No, not the real name,

(40:34):
yeah. Push Jumbo.
Jumbo. Yeah, ignore.
Jumbo English. Yeah, yeah.
Do you know? Do you know the jumbo?
'S you know the jumbo's. Going up to the Jumbo's and as.
They make excellent roles. Do you know the guy who I think
is the most exciting person we've had in terms of you don't

(40:54):
know his name, but everybody goes holy man, the farmer from
Babe James Crumble me. And guy, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wouldn't have got if you offeredme £1,000,000 or euro, yeah, I
would not have got his. He's one of those people.
I can see his face. Who's famous, Who's been in
loads of stuff was in LA Confidential was in play, it was

(41:15):
in the last was in Conclave was.In LA Confidential.
Is he watching her open her legs?
Is that not? He's the cop with a really bad
Irish accent. Base against things, that's
Basic Instinct. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Umm, no.
So no, he's not. He's one of those actors that
you you know, but you don't knowhis name.
I think he was on the panel onceand he was lovely.

(41:37):
He's 6 foot 7 or 8. Is he Irish?
No, the panel was this. People don't know a panel show a
long time. I'm sorry, you're sure with the
panel? I thought.
Yeah, a panel. But no, no, he was on the panel
so. The panel was.
Brilliant 2009 or 10 and he was doing a show in because there
was nobody tonight was on the time and I think the lately it

(41:57):
was on the time we had used to try and get guests and it was I
was they were very creative about how they would get them.
He was on in EH, I think Eugene O'Neill play or something and go
away, and they knew that he was a really big EH, vegetarian and
vegan and animal rights sort of activist.
After Babe. Ah, you know what I mean.

(42:18):
He employed that pig, and not only in the country but in the
city as well. I mean, he did a lot of work.
I had a lot of work for pigs andthey wrote him and said we've
adopted either notable in DublinZoo or we've or we've done this
in your name and all rest. Any chance you'd come and pee on
our show? And he said, yeah, that's
incredible. The Santa car to go away to get
him and he came back and he was on the show and he was a lovely
man. Yeah.
The panel was, I remember the panel probably and maybe saw the

(42:41):
last couple of years of it, but it was because it felt like
there was so many panel shows then and they were all kind of
this high energy quiz based thing.
Yet no rounds. But the panel was a discussion
laid back in the chopper. Really funny as well.
I love that go crack. Yeah, we had some interesting
guests and like he, he was brilliant.

(43:02):
There was a guy who lived Wolveslike he used to have somebody
famous. Yeah, James Crawell said life on
the other side, like Ross came by gangs.
James Cromwell on Wolves. I've done the pigs.
I want to do the Wolves. He wasn't a great man for
charcutre, funny enough. And but we used kind of a weird

(43:24):
unusual guess like that, you know?
Anyone else jump out? Like was it people that would be
over for pressures and stuff like that?
No. You did?
I'm trying to think who else wasreally.
I mean, for me we went in the pace with Ray Houghton and Ray
Houghton obviously had scored, eh, against England and against
Italy. So he is absolute royalty and he
was. He doesn't buy pints.
Well, there's no way that man does not buy pints.

(43:44):
No, he was brilliant, eh? Ron Atkinson.
Remember chatting to Ron Atkinson?
I've met Big Ron, eh? Have you?
He was, he was, he was telling us about Paul Moran.
We were just, I was just kind ofin all of the Paul McGrath
stories. So Paul McGrath went to Villa.
I think Ron Atkinson was the manager and like first, first
episode, first match, Paul, my God, just runs away from the

(44:07):
centre forward and all the Villafans are gone, get back, get
back in. The ball appears to Paul
Mcgrath's feet and it happens the next match as well.
And then by the third match the Villa fans don't even shout at
him. He just read the game so well
that he would just move away from the guy who was marking the
ball would appear as he was, incredibly.
Somebody I wish I had seen play.Oh my God, you know, properly,

(44:29):
like, actually watch them. He was.
I went to the Overlap when I wasin Dublin and EH Kane was on
with eh Gary Neville and Jimmy Carrera and Paul McGrath was the
guest of honour. Yeah.
And 9000 people instantly, he isstill the most popular
footballer in our in Ireland. Yeah, by a long way.
Yeah, by a long way. 9000 peopleinstantly stood up and started

(44:52):
singing a new pomagrah. Yeah.
I don't think of anybody else could engender that level of
affection, yeah. You know, maybe Porge and Rog,
but that's two guys. That is 2, so that's only 50%.
No, a porge and so porge and rog.
And I was going to say with the Irish second zag, but I heard
Zig and Zag ripped off Podge andRog.

(45:15):
Oh, OK. That's the thing.
What came first? That's the original chicken of
the egg. You know, but yeah, you know,
they're the same 2 lads like. I do not.
Yeah. So they're only really.
Do different accents. They're only rubbing themselves
off. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the same 2
lads now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's wild. And then they did another thing
called Bronx Bunny, which is even darker than Podge and Raj,

(45:39):
which is very good. Bronx Bunny.
Bronx Bunny. Yeah, Podge and Raj, are they
still going? I don't know they they probably
appear every so often but the lads are doing loads of stuff.
You double Z you. Ever been to Emerald Park?
No, in used to be Theatre Park, Yeah, no, friend of mine was out
of reason, he said. It was absolutely brilliant.
It's credible. It's incredible.

(46:00):
Is it something like, are you like a theme park guy?
No, not really, no. I will go on on stuff though.
I'm I'm. But you have to be in the theme
park to go on stuff, really. No, but I but yeah, when you
build your own because your attitude is like.
You won't go to theme parks. But I'll build my own roller
coaster. But you'll go on something if
it's there. Yeah, yeah.

(46:22):
But if you carry on like it, you'll never go one.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, you are pointing out the
flaw in my theory. If I'm just living my daily life
and someone puts, so basically you're never going to come
across a roller coaster unless it's on sale in the middle.
I live a little, which we're notruling out.
No, no. No, no.
But you have pointed no. What I'm trying to say, I
suppose, is I used to do all the.
So I've done 8-9 parachute jumpshave done bungee jumps, have

(46:45):
done. That's so many parachute jumps.
Yeah, the National Parachute Club is about 5 miles from my
home place in Edenary. Yeah.
So you're jumping by then if the9th ones no bother.
Eh, but now I'm too scared to all to do all those and I'm much
more nervous now. I don't know why.
The first time we ever did it was 18.
I did a tandem jump. A friend of mine who eh jumped
out. I jumped out.

(47:05):
Someone else jumped out. No, sorry, static line jump.
Out of a plane. Out of a plane, I jumped out, my
friend jumped out, and another friend of mine jumped out Out.
The static line is you're attached to the plane, right?
So you're attached a plane and it pulls the parachute for you.
So there's no free fall on a static line jump.
OK, so you fall 304050 feet or whatever, two or three seconds

(47:28):
and it pulls the bag away from the parachute because you can't
trust a person to pull their ownparachute.
But do you stay? No, it pulls the bag and you're
just. Up there for you.
Parachute opens so it opens a parachute for you.
So I landed you the one way radio and the one way radio is
so you can hear them and you they go toggle left, toggle

(47:51):
right and they bring you rounds and in and you see you land into
the wind and just the very last when they go, I think it's
called flair, and you pull the two handles down like this and
it slows you down. So you do the whole thing.
You're not. The whole thing yet yourself,
yeah, and with with training andall the rest, but like.
You have the National Parachute Club.

(48:11):
But but anybody can do this, youknow, you do maybe today's
training and you do this OK. But my friend jumped out and she
radio heard Welcome to Cool FM and in at #5 it was, it was 2
FM. Something weird happened and she
was like, so she's off over there miles away.

(48:33):
And because she didn't know how to land her stuff.
Yeah, pull left, pull right. She's just gone.
You don't want the last thing you ever been to hear, like the
intro to Samantha Mambo, body tobody or whatever.
You know, some daytime radio hits.
The guy talking through the intro of yeah.
Oh, and the cash register machine number is.

(48:54):
German Kennedy with power over me gone.
But that's insane because I thought to operate a parachute
from a plane by yourself, I thought you'd need years of.
Training. No.
No, you just jump you. That's not when you think about
one day's training. Yeah.
To be able to jump out of a parachute and land on the ground
in a designated space. Yeah, but all you're doing is
jumping out and pulling what they tell you to do, really.

(49:15):
But you don't. You, you didn't jump out, which
is the weird thing. You they figured out the best
way to do it is you step on the step and you grab the strush of
the wing, right? And the reason you do that is
because if you let go there, you're in perfect arch position

(49:37):
here. You don't spin around like that.
Rather than jumping out, maybe spinning or anything, you jump
out and and hold on, right? Yeah.
I would never have thought you've done that.
I could. I would never do that.
Would you not? Skydive parachute.
Is there anything you want to do?
But and I'm really nervous aboutheights now unless we ever did,
was a bobsled. I did a bobsled for ATV show
that was absolutely super crack.With Was it the Channel Four

(50:01):
thing? No, it was with the German youth
bobsled team and there it was for it was to demonstrate this,
the idea of friction because youwere doing a science programme.
There was a I was grippers, yeah, but they were like 19,
absolutely ripped. Yeah.
And I knew I'm in the bobsled suit and they're like, you know,

(50:23):
it's a steak from Top Gear. Yeah, yeah, You look like it's
fat uncle. Like are.
You dead man. Yeah, and we got into this thing
and I said I'm a bit nervous with this you man.
And he's 19. He's the captain of the that you
can pet German bobsled team and his father had been at Lake

(50:45):
Placid for the East German team in the Winter Olympics.
And I said this is this. Should I be nervous?
And he goes the only way quickerthan the mountain is an
avalanche. That's pretty good.
I went and there were there weregreat crack.
Yeah. And we were we were coming on
mountain. We saw the Russian, the Russian

(51:06):
team training and not necessarily on drugs or Russians
now, but they were bobsledding up the mountain so.
I don't, I don't think Advent, like I like roller coasters, all
that kind of stuff. Don't mind height anything like
that. You don't?
Yeah, I don't like that. But it's the I tell you what,
you want to see where I moved toSpider this morning from this

(51:26):
office. Yeah, really.
Not a problem. Really didn't even have to
breathe and get yourself centredor anything like that.
If any, if anything, I had to upmy breathing.
Right. There's no issue with me in a
spider. What did you do?
How did you get it out? I originally went to go free
hunt right, But then the worry was that he was going to drop
onto the grind. OK, that was par orthodox.

(51:50):
Russian Orthodox. OK roof store.
And so I went a little cup page,OK, brought him outside alive
because there was calls from certain people to kill it.
But I said no way, not my watch.I knew that.
Yeah. You're a you're a rescued him.
Bring them outside and you kill them outside.
I stomp on the mic because. That's really cruel because they

(52:10):
think that they've survived. I tell them I still.
Hope in their thousands of eyes,I.
Say you made it. Yeah, you made it now.
Yeah, that's done. I'll actually elbow drop it in
the rock the the people's elbow and rest.
You sometimes climb up on like ropes.
If you notice, I wear an elbow pod under.
That's why I wear long sleeves. Everything.
Yeah, I've got an elbow pod. Spider killer.
That's what they call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(52:33):
Now, are you going to eat beforeyour gig tonight?
I That's a strange question. So many comedians will not eat
before a show. Man, I could eat walking on.
Yes, I could eat. Yes, I could eat a full circuit
report. You could.
This is the show to do. You could give me a pig and a

(52:53):
sharp knife and yeah, don't. Let James, whatever you call
him, see. No, he would go.
He would on so many levels. Yet many, many levels, yeah, I
don't really get nervous. I don't get nervous do.
You think he grew like emotionally close to the pig
during the film? I think probably grew
emotionally close to many pigs. I'd say that's not one one pig.
I'd say that multiple pig actorsyou think for what do you I?

(53:16):
Would hate to think. What do you have?
What do you have had? A favourite 1.
I think so. They're very smart apparently,
and. They'll eat anything, will they?
Pigs will eat anything. There's a man who was disposed
of a body that's. Only spiders body.
I throw my spiders to the pigs you in the which I was like some
not German bulbs. They couple would say, yeah, I

(53:36):
throw my spiders twos of pigs ifyou know what I mean.
No, I have no idea. And.
I wouldn't like a pig. I know people.
Didn't George Clooney have a potbelly?
Vietnamese pig is a pest. That's right.
Apparently they're really, really smart.
So that would be kind of interesting to see how smart
they are. Like, you know.
Well, they're always cool to have their head.

(53:57):
They always look like they couldbe thinking about.
So they always have their heads done, you know, like they could
be just concentrating on something.
Pigs. Yeah, you see it.
Pigs are like, that's quite a lot of them.
Yeah, yeah. And what are they talking about?
You know they always have chatting like this.
I think pigs look like they're the male in a scent advert

(54:20):
because nearly all like Tom Hardy or have you seen Johnny
Depp? Because I just flew through duty
free. So.
So they're all like that. Yeah.
Yeah. A lot like that.
Yeah. Because what there is those two
together before there's the hair.
Done in the Slate. Look off there for me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You look a little bit like a
gold flesh. Having a good time.

(54:41):
Gold flesh. A gold flesh German for
goldfish. Yeah, a lot of meetings just
don't need today of a show do. You get nervous about shows
you've done before, shows and venues you've done before.
No. If I've done the venue before,
yeah, no, OK, something can throw me off.
Right. Very, very, very rarely.
Right. No, I have more excitement than

(55:04):
nerves. OK, when's that seem you're
genuinely nervous about a gig? Is it something usually
something new, like a new radio show?
I did the American bar last Sunday in Belfast.
Work in progress show. OK, first time doing it, died in
my hours. Where's the American bar?
The docks in sailor town OK where my Grande used to not
build boats. OK near the docks.

(55:25):
It's great. Holds like 40 people.
I love the fact it's called Sailor Town.
Sailor and brilliant. Nobody really.
It's like a weird part of Belfast and that like like ever
like so many people used to livethere.
It's in the dock basically. And now there's like a few big
apartment blocks and a few very cool bars, but that'll be in,
that'll be a big area, Belfast soon.
But why did you die, do you think?

(55:45):
My granddad. No, what, what that is the
weirdest. What's, what's the, what's the
opposition? The opposite of a Freudian slip,
where you say what you want to say, but the other person hears
something about their granddad. Why do you think you died?

(56:06):
I think we know where your granddad died.
By now, he'd be 150. He umm.
What you were on you right you look someone learn a new
language. I you, he, she.
Umm, yeah, he died. Yeah, yeah.
But. Separately now, you sailor town.
Why do you think that area dropped?

(56:26):
Off Why did you You said you died.
You remember this thing you saidlike less than 30?
Here's the thing. We never paused past 4:00.
All right? OK. 13 minutes past four.
OK. We're gone.
And because it's just new, it's just brand new.
OK, I've done it. And Lavery's, the only time I've
done it was Lavery's the week before.

(56:47):
And it was genuinely great. And I loved it.
Yeah. So I felt like in between, I
didn't look at it or change it. Yeah.
And I probably should have shuffled things and been on it a
bit more. Which gig was more useful?
More youthful. Useful Olan.
There's four people in the room.This isn't me, is it?

(57:07):
It's not me. It's not you.
Checking it's not you, it is notyou.
The American one, definitely theAmerican boy.
OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is it because you can't hear what's actually happening in the
room? They all were going ha ha ha,
and you were going. Why are they going to hear her?

(57:30):
Is that what it is? I feel like I'm back in the
room. OK, I'm back in the room, right?
Do you watch the trailers? Traitors.
Yes and no. I've I'm familiar with it.
I've seen it grab. Just got into it.
I didn't know whether you watch it.
No, I'm going to start watching it because I know the RT one has
just started. So yes.
And and I accidentally I was doing a gig with a few people

(57:52):
recently and I didn't know when the people and I looked the
person up. I'm trying not to give anything
away. And eh, they had one traitors.
And I was like, oh, well, you just ruined that series of
traders for me. I didn't, I hadn't realised.
Oh, and it was one of the peoplewho has won.
Yeah, it's going on to do comedy, you know, if you could
do a. Spin off comedian's version of

(58:12):
anything. What would you do?
Actually, he did. Bake Off your day We.
Did Bake Off? We did boozy Bake Off, Yeah.
What's the standard in the full chaos?
I would like, I'd love to do what I like here, just as it
exists now. Yeah.
Oh yeah. I would love and hate to be on a
show with Bob Mortimer doing it because he's so funny doing it.

(58:34):
Yes, but you're just sitting there going.
I know. I would just get so excited
about watching him. Yeah.
You'd be in the edit. Yeah.
Just that. Yeah.
Just haven't said. He's just got that rare thing
where he said on we're like, I read his books and they're
great, but I don't know if they were written by other people.
What? I enjoyed those much, but I'm
hearing them. Him, yeah.
Said by him and his delivery andeverything.

(58:56):
Yeah, I'd love. I think comedians doing a
version of Top Gear will be hilarious.
Top Gear will be great. You know, because people not
really known enough about cars. Yeah, smashing the shit out of
things and going to various places.
My dad was a mechanic and I knowoften about cars.
Really. Really.
I know the very bit I mean, I'llchange your tyre, but I can't
do, I can't do much else. Yeah, I can top up the

(59:17):
Windstream whatever water, right, Nobody's business.
So spiders and. Water and water.
Umm no, I haven't a clue what cars.
Either, but eh, you know, like, umm, this sort of show, like we
talked before about we're talking about lunch, but that
show Haunted on Channel 4. Something like that would be
good. Yeah, I myself, my wife

(59:38):
sometimes play a game. When do you think if could you
kill someone to get away with it?
I thought you were going to say like we, we say like no
undetected. No, it's a similar.
Do you mean me as me? I feel like as in as in as in
you. As one of your comedy
characters. As in.
Large guy would get away with it.

(59:58):
He's he's, yeah. Do you think the the public
profile thing would help? Or Henry.
No, no, no, it's not. It's it's, it's two things.
When we play, you are is the haunted thing.
You know, you are falsely accused of something.
You just have to disappear whileyou figure out how you're going

(01:00:20):
to, you know, defend yourself. Whatever.
Could you get out of Dublin? Could you get out of Belfast?
Oh, definitely. Instantly.
Yeah. It would have been tracked by
the hunter. Let me tell you how.
And the other one, could you delivery.
Go on. The way they go about the
wearing all the delivery gear, the snood, the helmet they're
on, like a moped kind of thing, That's how you can do it.

(01:00:42):
I'd order a delivery side of theguy.
Yeah, there's £100. Give me all your gear.
Right. OK, gone.
It's a good idea. It's a good idea.
OK. And then the other one is, if
you had to kill somebody who hadwronged you in such an awful
way, I'd hurt somebody belong toyou or was going to hurt
somebody else, and they'd been tried for murder and the company

(01:01:05):
tried a second time or whatever.Yeah, whatever excuse you have
to come up with for the tantalising prospect of taking
human life. Said something said something in
the comments section of the podcast about my hair.
Yeah, something like that, right?
Yeah, Eh. Do you reckon you could do it
and get away with it? I think could I, could I do it?
Yes, OK, now this might If this ever gets you in court because

(01:01:27):
I'm up on a murder charge or something, there's going to be a
problem. This is going to be a problem.
Umm, but. Yeah.
See, I don't think I, I, I, I don't think I have the patience
for the cleaning up. I wouldn't.
I wouldn't really be bothered. That's how they get me.
That's how they get me. It'd be.
Like there's literally blood on your.
Hands if you said it two weeks ago yeah, you didn't you left
and you turned on the robot who up the steps you kill someone up

(01:01:51):
the stairs I. I don't know, because what do
you you can only go by what you've seen in movies.
Yeah. Yeah.
So it's going to be like body ina barrel.
But then I'd forget. I'd leave it in the boot.
I'd leave it in the boot for like a week.
I'd be like my football bag. My wife said that's going to

(01:02:11):
smell. Yeah, it's exactly.
I got to be like, that's going to start smelling, too.
Yeah. You need, you need to empty that
and clean it. Yeah.
And get rid of it. That's how they catch me.
Yeah, I'd run out with Jeff. Yeah.
And like, you're not going to just go to the shop to get that.
So you're going to wait till yougot to do a big shop.
No, you know. So although now that I think
about it, I do know pigs, and wealso know a guy with a show full

(01:02:34):
of bin bags who's going to the mountains.
And James, James the actor guy. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, he knows pigs. He does.
He does not. Pigs.
He could probably make a phone call, yeah.
I could be all right. What show would you like to do
that isn't? Like a celebrity version of it,
Yeah. Umm.
Or more importantly, what show would you just like to do?
Oh, as a? Would I like to?

(01:02:54):
Would you do? Would you do, eh celebrity?
Get Me Out of here. I'm.
No. You wouldn't.
No. OK, would you?
Don't. Think I enjoyed it?
No. What's countdown like?
Obviously you're not a contestant, you're on the.
Countdown is eh. Countdown is great.
Crack one. I know Colin fairly well.
So we have the crack the first time ever, when the first time

(01:03:15):
ever did it, he goes on air, he goes, listen, we know each other
and we're both we're both Irish.So we're not going to make it
too Irish and all the rest the feed for the rest of you, we're
going to make every and you know, inclusive and all rest.
And then the 1st 4 letters, I think were are you see, the
first 3 letters that were are you see?
And he looks at me and I was like, sorry, but if that says I

(01:03:38):
can overlook that. But if it says I in a layer the
next time we're going to have tomention it.
Good crack, really good crack. The people are who are the
contestants now are so good. So if you do it, if you do it,
you do a week. So you do a day and it's a week,
right, right. And if you do it early in the

(01:03:58):
season, it's a, it's kind of alla bit more crack because you're
like, oh, there's an 8 letter you didn't get or there's a six
letter you didn't get or whatever.
By the the latter stages where they've all competed against
each other and they're in the semi final final, you're just
sitting there having the crack with Susie who's lovely.
But you're never get 19 that they don't get because they're
extraordinary, right? They're unbelievable.

(01:04:20):
And they do eh, if a bad word comes out, there was one thing a
bad word came out. And I'll tell you how this is
happened, eh, a word came out and eh, Colin said, well, what
do you got? And this guy said six, this guy
said six, and I said we've got 6as well.

(01:04:40):
And the first guy goes, sorry about this, but wanked got we've
got wanked. And the next guy went wanked as
well. And he showed the guy his page
and and column. This is where we got wanked as
well. So what they do in that
circumstance sometimes is they go we right, you both got six,
you're both getting 6 and they made they made the guy choose

(01:05:04):
another letter. So he chose another letter that
took I think the D away and to put an N up and they said, I
want you to both declare awake or awaken, whatever.
It's a six. So they both said awaken and
awaken. And so the right, you don't have
to broadcast it. Bad words and the integrity, the
scoring system is the same. And then the next round, he

(01:05:25):
comes to me, you know, the roundafter that.
And he goes, what is it? And I said, well, there's a very
long masturbate is there for now.
I don't even know if that's 9. I think it's more it's 10, is
it? And he could not stop laughing
and I could not stop laughing. And then what happens is the
crew gets a little bit annoyed because like, we have to make
five of these a day. You 2 need to rein in a little
bit. But it's really, it's really

(01:05:46):
good fun to talk. It's the first show ever on
Channel 4. All right, ever 1982 or
something. I used to watch it with my mom,
yeah, when I go home from schooland half days and stuff.
So it's kind of cool. Just a bucket list stuff in
there. Can you guys get me a pen and
paper, please? Thank you.
If we have a we have a pen. We've got a pen.
If we can get a little bit of paper, please.

(01:06:10):
Yeah. Perfect.
Yeah. Can you?
Can you do the number thing withme?
The number thing. Yeah, give me a go on.
OK, so I just give you, I give you 6 numbers, do I?
Is that what you want? How does it work?
You give me the numbers, do you?And I give you?
No. You give me a number and then I

(01:06:31):
have to get to it. OK.
All right. Do it the way they do.
OK, Well then you have to give me the pen, right and paper,
right? Right.
So you give us a number that's give.
Me a number between what? What's?
More than 999. But it's like small, yeah.
But you just give me the number for the target.
OK. And 5:00 to 1:00.

(01:06:52):
Fuck 521. OK, so I'm going to give you a
50A75A1A10A5 and A312 3. Just do that into the mic there
nails so. So you've just said 521 and I've
given you one the numbers, OK, OK.
So. How long have I got?

(01:07:13):
And how long do you want? What do they do on the show?
I'll come back next week. 30 seconds.
What are the entries for the audience, 507511053, Right.
So 30 seconds. You've got 30 seconds from now.
Yeah. Here's the pen.
Yeah. Are you marking the time?

(01:07:36):
Yeah. Do do do do do do do do do do do
do do do do do. Do.
Fucking hell, think. You've got about 11 seconds
left, do you? Fuck Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo.

(01:07:59):
OK, Boo, you get it. What's 7.5 * 3?
You can't have 7.50 I thought. Sorry, my bad, I thought that
said 70. Five.
It is 75, Yeah. Oh no sorry, I thought it said
7.5 you. Think fractions are in
countdown. 50 * 10 is 500. Yeah. 75 / 3 is 25 do.

(01:08:25):
You have a three. Yeah.
OK. So that's add those together is
5. 25. 525, what have it done? No, but and minus the five.
So that's 520. 520 isn't baddieswithin one, yeah.
I got the like. Add the one.

(01:08:46):
There's one leftover take away. He's he's got.
It right I I got these wrong. I thought that said 100 so I did
50 * 100. Oh no, No 10.
Yeah, I did 50 * 10 is 500 and then I thought that was 7.5, so
I did 7.5 * 3 take away 5. Oh, OK, apart from.

(01:09:08):
If I had a thought that was 7.5,that's not awful.
No, it's brilliant. Great.
So just the letter one night please.
OK. And just give them nine random
letters. Yeah, ask for.
OK here vile please need OK a vile please need O vile please

(01:09:32):
need I consonant please need andconsonant please need S
consonant please T vile please need U consonant. 123-4567.
Constant please say constant please.
K-123456789, Thank you. There you go, 30 seconds again

(01:09:57):
and your time starts now. Oh.
No. Oh no.
See, at this point I'm chatting to Susie Dent and if I don't get
anything Susie Dent, it's going there's a seven there for.
How good she it. Ah, unbelievable.
Yeah, Yeah. So if you don't get something,

(01:10:17):
yeah, you'll be told there's something there.
And who's on the numbers? No.
Richard Riley's On the Numbers. And how good she like everyone.
Yeah, yeah. How much help does she get?
None. OK, 6 letters are got.
Oh yeah, give us a look what youget.
Tonics, what do you think of that?
I had tonic and then remembered you put an S on that.

(01:10:40):
Yeah, congratulations. Do you want me to use it in a
sentence? OK, gin and tonics.
That's not a full sentence it. Is in my world.
I would like some gin and tonics, I'll tell you, I think,

(01:11:00):
I think. That's not bad there.
I surprised myself without. I think you knew you were going
to do OK given with at the at the confidence with which you
demand the letters. Numbers, the numbers.
Sometimes I watch the numbers and I'll go.
I'm making a festive test like. But even that they train like so
they train and and the times tables, you know when I was in
school, you learned times tablesup to 12.

(01:11:23):
They they like if you're on counting, you Start learning
thirteens and multiplying by 75 multiply like you can literally
train. And there's also an app now, so
the players are just unbelievably good.
But it's like, it's like football a bit, isn't it?
It's like, is the game gone? Is a room for Mavericks in there
as a room for a Nokia's to come on Countdown and just like, you

(01:11:44):
know, this kind of stuff? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, Maverick Countdown is ismaking up a word that doesn't
exist. Well, and I would commend them.
I mean, I'd watch their playing style all day long.
You definitely know what he's going to do.
He's just making sounds now. This is brilliant.
He took over his shirt. He's beating his chest, but I
want to watch him. He's box office.
Do the words have to be in English?
Yes. Do the stipulates well?

(01:12:06):
They have to be eh? They have to be in the
dictionary. So but a French word code of
there are French words in the English Dictionary.
Because there we are. Yeah.
You know that meant. Yes, but or a tune from a county
nearby. Yeah, Yeah, there we are.

(01:12:26):
I'm learning French at the moment.
Oh, yeah, actually, yes. Finest, finest bit I've learned
so far is the French word for mother-in-law is la belle mare,
and the French word for stepmother is also la belle
mare. There's no difference.
And I asked the professor how could French people be expected
to know which genre of pornography they're choosing if

(01:12:48):
they do not know the difference,and he did not have an answer
for that. Parley pity, Francais pity,
pity, eh? You know, parley major
component. No, I've only like.
To four or five weeks in. Port is vacant to visit a my

(01:13:12):
Orca. I've backed my family.
Pastime. Prefer a song?
She's your foot, she's your foot.
That means I am a football. She's you, but just sweet
football is I have a foot. No, no, he's just sweet as I am.

(01:13:36):
You said I am foot. No, no, he said.
Juju Football. I thought you said you're sweet.
As you're, as you AO football is, I played football, Yeah.
There's a lot of pressure. By the way, when you go into the
place. What would play the French,
There's a French kind of centre and in Dublin and you go in and
your surname is the guy goes andI was like, you need to wind

(01:14:00):
your neck in right there, my friend.
Why? Why?
You don't wind your neck in French's.
No, they don't say wind your neck in France because it was
always assumed you would becausethey invented the guillotine.
They, they umm, were doing that until not that long ago.

(01:14:20):
Yeah, 70s. They were probably actually
people fair fairly recently, youknow.
Like you shouldn't be executing people when Alba are around, you
know what I mean? It's too modern.
I've never heard say, lads in The Hague say that when
someone's up on war crimes for the horrific part in the
Yugoslavian war in the 90s and go listen and I don't know if

(01:14:43):
you know this, but greatest hit survivor Waterloo was still
hanging out the numbers. You have to do disgrace.
But like, that could conceivablyhappen.
Like, you shouldn't. The guillotine shouldn't be
dropping to the centre of the YMCA.
And you're like, this is too modern.
Yeah. Middle out your last words. 77.
Yeah, I'm here. Guillotine.
Yeah, equally big. And the guy who invented the

(01:15:05):
guillotine was called Mr Guillotine.
Oh yeah. And you know how he was killed
himself. Wanked himself to death.
Yeah, yeah, no, it's not to do with the guillotine carbuncle.
What? Yeah, the weird thing is so he.
For a SEC, I swear to God, for asecond I thought you said
Garfunkel, and I was. Yeah, Mr Guillotine would hit

(01:15:27):
high notes. There were.
It was beautiful. And our Garfunkel got jealous.
I built a contraption to kill him.
That's that's that's how it happened.
In the Garfunkel, the guillotine.
The idea of the guillotine, he didn't actually really invent
it, but he was a member, I thinkof the the parliament and he
wanted everybody, if you are going to be put to death, he
wanted everybody to have the same rights as posh people.

(01:15:49):
And posh people could be dispatched almost immediately
with a sword form or beheaded with an axe apparently.
And poor people got dispatched in awful ways.
And he said, OK, well if we are going to kill people, they
should be killed in a the humaneway.
So oddly enough he wanted it to be humane.
Apparently is the story behind the guillotine.
Nothing more humane than the guillotine at.

(01:16:10):
Least it's quick. It is quick, you know.
You don't ever assume when they sharpen the night at the blade,
I suppose. You'd hope so, yeah.
You don't want to save. You don't know.
You're like a both times on the guillotine.
No, no. You don't know rusty guillotine.
That sounds like a sex thing. He's given another rusty
guillotine. He pays extra for the rusty
guillotine. He's banned from here, he's

(01:16:30):
banned from the French centre inDublin because of the rusty
Guilty as You're the show that you're doing in Bangor is up a
new tour. No, that's the end of this
current tour. It's called Achilles, Neil.
The very, very end. Yeah, I'm doing kind of 25 dates
in England, Scotland and Wales, but I've only got a couple of
dates on this side of the Irish Sea left, like 3, right four.

(01:16:55):
And then I'm doing a new show called Reinventing the Neil.
So Reinventing the Neil is the one that's starting in November.
That's that's the SSC Arena. And.
What the SSC? Eh, 21st of February, think I
know. And all around pretty much every
county on the old environment, pretty much.
You're rocking a couple of SSCS.Yeah, I've done a few notes.
Such a great, like they really know what they're doing in terms

(01:17:16):
of the setup and West umm, so it's kind of it's the biggest 1.
So you look forward to that massive, you know.
We'll put a link to that in the description.
And is there anything else you want to plug in?
No, eh, come come along to the shows.
I do podcasts with Dave Moore called The Roasted Guillacy.
No called. Why would you tell me that?

(01:17:36):
That's how we know about the guillotine.
We know we try and uncover weirdas weird facts as we possibly.
And people can parlay to that where?
They that's, eh, that's whereveryou get your podcast, it's
called. Why would you tell me that?
Mercy Baker. Oh, there, yeah.