The Science Behind Why We Can't 'Get Over' Loss And How to Grieve with Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor

“ In order to think about grief, first you have to think about love and bonding, because that is what gets lost. That is what gets broken.”  Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor

Understanding why grief feels so physical, why someone still reaches for the phone to call someone who's gone, or why certain memories can trigger intense emotions years after a loss can provide valuable insight for those helping others who are experiencing grief or for those who want to know more about grief. And today, we’re diving into the neuroscience behind grief.

In this episode, Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor joins Dr. Aimie to discuss how grief isn't just an emotional response but a complex learning process as our brains adapt to a fundamentally changed reality. She introduces the critical distinction between grief and grieving, highlighting how our attachment patterns influence our grief journey. Her fascinating research on yearning reveals that this powerful sensation activates the same brain regions involved with other basic survival needs, explaining why the feeling can be so intense and overwhelming 

The conversation also goes into how avoidance and rumination can interfere with natural healing, and that the intensity and frequency of grief waves will change over time as part of the grieving process.

 

You’ll learn:

• The brain regions that activate when you yearn for someone who has died
• Why yearning is more like hunger or thirst than addiction
• The difference between grief (response) and grieving (adaptation process)
• How rumination and avoidance can interfere with natural healing
• The importance of staying grounded and connected to the present 
• How to prepare your brain and support systems for future grief experiences
• The crucial differences between depression and grief, and why they require different approaches

 

Whether you're currently navigating grief, supporting someone who is, or simply preparing for inevitable losses, this episode will help you understand why healing isn’t “getting over” a loss, but an ever evolving process that fundamentally changes our reality.

 

Connect with Dr. O’Connor:
Website

Related Podcasts:
Episode 42: Unlocking The Role of Disguised Grief in Health

 Episode 76: Navigating the Grief Journey: The Polyvagal Way To Become an Active Operator of Your Nervous System
 

Guides, Tools & Resources:
The Essential Sequence - A free guide that shows you the difference between stress and trauma states of our nervous system. In just 3 steps, it walks you through what your body needs when it has stored trauma or is in a freeze response.
 

Foundational Journey - If you want to be safely guided through The Essential Sequence, and lay your foundation of regulation in this online 6 week course, join me and my team of mentors for this jou