April 30, 2024 • 37 mins
In this very special episode, Eric meets with several students from a school in Colorado. Their counselor, Ms. Rebecca has shared and discussed the parable of the two wolves with her students, and with the parents’ permission, invited Eric to “interview” the students.
You’ll discover just how early the bad wolf starts appearing in our lives. But even at this young age, they have their own ways of trying to ensure they feed their good wolf.
Themes discussed in this episode:
- Dealing with dissatisfaction or discontentment
- Managing the inner critic
- Learning from our mistakes
- How comparison undermines self confidence and joy
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers
have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes
like garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think,
ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts
don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self pity, jealousy,
(00:28):
or fear. We see what we don't have instead of
what we do. We think things that hold us back
and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking.
Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort
to make a life worth living. This podcast is about
how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction,
(00:48):
how they feed their good wolf.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Welcome to the one you feed. In today's episode, we
have something a little bit different. Recently, I was visiting
a friend of mine who's lives in Colorado, and she
mentioned that she had been teaching her students about the
parable of the good wolf and the bad wolf. After
hearing this, I thought, I bet those kids have some
really good ideas about how to feed your good wolf.
(01:13):
So I asked if I could speak with them. The
reason I thought this would be so interesting is because,
as adults we can be so immersed in our wide
and complicated world that we can forget how wide and
complicated our lives felt back when we were kids. We
tend to think of childhood as the simpler times before
we had to worry about things like dissatisfaction, rumination, guilt, comparison,
(01:38):
imposter syndrome, or insecurity. But when talking to these kids,
what surprised me was just how early in our lives
the bad wolf starts appearing. Maybe it's always there. That
being said, these kids are great, and even at this
young age, they have their own ways of trying to
ensure they feed their good wolf. The kids I spoke
(02:00):
with is Emory.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Hi.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Emory, Hi, thank you for talking with me.
Speaker 4 (02:06):
You're welcome.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
What are the It looks like you've got some sort
of crown on or ears? What am I seeing here?
Speaker 4 (02:12):
My cat eres?
Speaker 2 (02:14):
You're what ears?
Speaker 4 (02:14):
My cattiers?
Speaker 5 (02:16):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Your caddiers you have gems on them. They are beautiful
and you have a bow.
Speaker 4 (02:20):
Thank you?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
You look really nice today. I love your caddies.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
I made my mommy and daddy make me warless because
they always say, choose between a head band or a bow,
and I did both today.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
So Miss Rebecca probably taught you a little bit about
the good wolf and the bad wolf? What do those
things mean to you? They mean like.
Speaker 4 (02:45):
How like I how my personality ends up every day?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
So what are some of the things your good wolf
says in your head to you?
Speaker 4 (02:57):
My good wolf says you can do this?
Speaker 2 (03:01):
What are some of the things that bad wolf says?
Speaker 4 (03:05):
You can't do this?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
You can't do this.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
You're not smart.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
You're not smart. So what do you do when you
when you're when you hear that in your mind?
Speaker 4 (03:16):
I know you am smart, So I just ignore the
bad wolf.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
You just ignore the bad wolf? Huh?
Speaker 4 (03:20):
And I and I listen to the good wolf.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Uh huh. Do you ever find that hard to do?
Speaker 4 (03:27):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Sometimes the bad wolf just keeps talking even though you
ignore it.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Yeah. What do you do then?
Speaker 4 (03:36):
I keep listening to the good wolf.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Just keep trying to hear the good wolf. Huh? Do
you ever ask anybody for help with that?
Speaker 4 (03:45):
Yes? Yes? Who mommy, I say, Mommy, my bad wolf
says something that's not good. She says, don't listen to
the bad wolf or the bad wolf, and listens to
the good wolf. What does your bad wolf say to you?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
What does my bad wolf say to me? Well, he says,
you're not good enough, you don't have enough, you need
things you don't have. You should be more like this
or more like that.
Speaker 4 (04:23):
That's something my bad wolf said. My bad wolf says, like, like,
when I buy something that I actually do want, then
I'm like, well I want that instead.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
So you think you want something, you get it, and
then you still realize you want something else.
Speaker 4 (04:47):
Yes, So if something was one dollar I could get
and I kept getting the same thing, I could get
ten of them because I have ten dollars.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Or you could get one thing ten dollars.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
Or I could get two things that is five dollars.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
You know your math pretty well. Yeah, So do you
think that getting things makes you happy?
Speaker 4 (05:13):
Yes, it does. I'm like, I'm like the only one
in this whole entire not this whole entire country, but
this whole entire world that one's toys.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
So they make you happy. But do they do you
stay happy? Or do you end up wanting something else?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
I'll end up wanting something.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
Now.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
What Emery is talking about here is something we all
have to learn to deal with. Dissatisfaction. In part, our
minds are striving machines. It doesn't come naturally to most people,
if anyone to remain satisfied, But we all have that
little voice in our heads that says, well, it'd be
nice if we just had and fill in the blank.
(05:56):
But there is a remedy for dissatisfaction, and Emory already
knows it. It's gratitude.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
You know what makes me like the happiest?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
What's that?
Speaker 4 (06:07):
If that's not toys? It makes me happier than toys.
It just when I wake up and I get to
look and I get to look out my window and
put my slippers on and just look at the beautiful
things outside.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Oh that makes me happy. Yeah, I like that too.
I like looking out the window at beautiful things. Maybe
I should get some slippers. He's like, I should get
some slippers.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
I yes, you have to.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
I have to get some slippers.
Speaker 4 (06:36):
Oh yes, I have ones that are really fuzzy fuzzy okay,
and they come off ois and I have want one
that's an uh that goes on one foot. The other's
al said, it goes on the other foot.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
So you've named your slippers.
Speaker 4 (06:53):
No, it has the picture a lot in this Why.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
See, I don't know what that is frozen? Frozen? Okay.
Do you know what else makes me happy?
Speaker 1 (07:03):
What?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Your cat? Your caddiers, your gem studied caddiers. Yes, the
minute I saw them, it made me happy. Yep, you
make me happy talking to you.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
I also love my caddiers. Yes, And I'm really grateful
for what I have because I cry whenever I think
of something that I don't like. That's a mine, I cry.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
What do you mean? Even though we can overcome our
feelings of dissatisfaction by focusing on what we're grateful for,
the little voice does so much other than tell us
that we need more. As Emory herself is experienced, the
little voice often tells us not to forgive ourselves. What
makes you.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
Cry thinking of things that I didn't mean to do?
Like one time I bet my daddy and he got bled,
And whenever I think of that, it also makes me cry. Sometimes.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Did you say you were sorry? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (08:04):
It was when I was like three or two. It
was when I was very little.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yeah. Do you think you can let go of that
and not worry about it anymore?
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Yeah? I could.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yeah, he's probably forgiven you.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
Yeah, and lost your eye is five. The name was
four ninety six. So it's so it.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Could be what I was four two, Yeah, it was
a while ago. Do you bite people anymore?
Speaker 4 (08:31):
I bite my brother sometimes when I'm frustrated. I am.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
I bet that that the good wolf doesn't is not
in support of you biting your brother. Would you agree?
Speaker 4 (08:43):
Yes, it's definitely the batt wolf.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Definitely the bad wolf.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
Definitely the bad wolf.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Kinshols, definitely the bad wolf is the bier. Yeah. Yeah,
Well what do you think you could do next time
you want to bite somebody?
Speaker 4 (08:57):
I think about it first. Yeah, And my last question is,
how do you like how do you like ignore the
bad Wolf?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Well, that's a very good question. I do you ever hear? Like, say,
you're in one room and there's a sound coming from
the other room and you can't really turn it off.
So sometimes when I'm trying to ignore the bad Wolf,
(09:30):
I just sort of imagine it sounds coming from another room,
and I just try not to really pay much attention.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
I pay more attention on the good Wolf.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Yeah, well, I think that's smart. You seem like you
do a pretty good job of that when you're not
biting things.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
I do.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Thank you so much for talking to me. I've really
enjoyed it.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
You're welcome.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Thanks for letting me where your gem studded caddiers. That
was kind of the highlight of my day. You know,
I really admire Emory's self awareness. Even at her young age.
She can pinpoint when her bad wolf rears its head
and tries to lead her astray. It's so common to
(10:16):
get caught up in feelings of dissatisfaction and rumination. The
mind has a way of fixating on things, whether they
are new, shiny things or painful memories, and Emory clearly
experiences that too, but she seems to have some solid
coping skills when her inner critic flares up. Sometimes, though,
(10:36):
the inner critic comes in another form, especially when we
find ourselves in the cycle of making and breaking promises
to ourselves. Hi Quinn, Hello, thank you for sitting down
with me.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
So, Miss Rebecca sort of talks about the good wolf
and the bad wolf, or the helpful wolf and the
unhelpful wolf. What do you have names for him? What
do you think of?
Speaker 3 (11:03):
I mean, I think the good one should have like
a good like cheery name, and the bad one should
have like kind of like a like a not like
a very.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Good name because it's like a can we think of
some Bertha or something Bertha for the bad wolf?
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Yeah, that's not a very good name.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
So no, unless your name's berth out. If you're birth
out there, I apologize for uh, you know, I hope
there's no Berthas listening, but there might be. You never know.
You wrote down under the bad Wolf bullying. Do you
do you get? Do you bully other people when you're
in the bad Wolf for other people bully you that
make you feel bad?
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Well, the bad wolf is a bully. The bad wolf
is a bully to the good wolf.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I see, okay, that makes sense. What are some of
the things the good wolf says to you?
Speaker 4 (11:50):
Uh?
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Like the good wolf like as if it was like
talking to me right now?
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Yeah, I mean, m.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Like, don't listen to what the bad wolf is saying.
He's just jealous or something.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Mm hmmm. Yeah, you wrote down things like encouragement, bravery, kindness,
hard work. Those are all sort of good wolf things. Yeah, yep.
So if you find yourself in the bad wolf area
right you're feeling afraid, or you're feeling you wrote lazy
or angry, or you're saying yourself nobody likes you. What
do you do? What do you do?
Speaker 4 (12:25):
Then?
Speaker 3 (12:26):
I mean I would tell him to stop. Then if
you didn't stop, I would tell him to stop a
second time, and then if you didn't stop the third time,
I would probably like tell like somebody that could like help.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Yeah, you just tell somebody, like I'm having these difficult thoughts.
I don't quite can't quite get him to stop. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Like sometimes, like when kids are mean to me, I
talk like I get Miss Rebecca and like we usually
talk with them and it usually like works out kind of.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
M yeah, it's good. Do you feel like kids are
mean to you a lot?
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Yeah? Yeah, kind of Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Why do you think that is?
Speaker 3 (12:58):
I mean, like I can be like a little disruptive
in class sometimes, and that seems to be like the
main reason that they don't like they don't like like
me that much.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Why do you think you get disruptive in class?
Speaker 6 (13:13):
Mmm?
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Like I think it's like funny, but then I realize
it's not funny, and then like they kind of just
say like it's like lame kind.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Of Oh yeah, yeah that probably doesn't feel very good,
does it.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (13:27):
So what do you say to yourself after that? When
either you've realized you acted disruptive in class or somebody's
been mean to you, Like, what do you do?
Speaker 4 (13:36):
Then?
Speaker 3 (13:36):
I mean, I try to like just like think like
why did I do that? And then I try and
then I like try to like stop. But then like
the next day, I kind of forget. I said that
to myself.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Mm hmmm yeah yeah. Do you get frustrated with yourself?
Speaker 4 (13:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Sometimes?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Yeah? Do you also forgive yourself?
Speaker 4 (13:56):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Sometimes?
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Yeah. Tell me about when you stay frustrated versus when
you forgive, Like, what are you doing in your head?
What are you saying to yourself?
Speaker 3 (14:08):
M I'm saying, like I can do better the next day?
Speaker 4 (14:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Yeah, yeah, yeah you can. We all make mistakes, don't we?
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (14:18):
We all do things from time to time that we
don't feel great about. The path to growth often involves
making mistakes and learning from them. When we act in
ways that hurt others or make us feel guilty, it's
easy to beat ourselves up, but self criticism usually doesn't
help us become our best selves. Instead, we can acknowledge
(14:39):
our mistakes with care and understanding. Rather than falling into
shame or numbness. Like Quinn, we can reflect on why
we acted that way and how we want to grow.
Of course, we have to apologize when needed and set
intentions to act more thoughtfully next time. But it's also
important that we don't skip the step of self forgiveness.
(15:03):
We all make mistakes, don't we. We've been talking a
lot about our inner critic, how it makes us feel guilty,
how it makes us ruminate. But the inner critic also
does something that's really valuable. It reveals our ideals. It
shows us what we care about, and that can be
a good thing, especially when we have nothing to rely
(15:24):
on besides our conscience. Hi Mackenzie, Hi, I'm so happy
to be sitting here with you. What grade are you in? Fourth? Fourth? Okay?
So how old are fourth graders? Or I should say
how old are you?
Speaker 6 (15:39):
Ten?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Ten? Okay? So tell me about what do you understand
about this idea of the good wolf and the bad wolf?
You wrote some things down. What does sligh queen mean?
Speaker 4 (15:55):
Um? Uh, my good wolf just uses that as a
term that I'm nice to other people.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Exactly. It means you're awesome, yes, slay queen, like you're
sligh in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, that's good. So
what sort of things when What sort of things does
slay queen say to you?
Speaker 5 (16:19):
When?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
When when you're in slay queen mode, what sort of
things are you saying to yourself?
Speaker 4 (16:25):
I'm awesome, I'm powerful, I can do this.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
Yeah okay? And what sort of things make you in
slay queen mode? Like what sort of things are happening
in your life? Either things you're doing or things that
you see or read? What helps you become slay queen?
Speaker 4 (16:46):
A big word that I understand. Are getting a perfect
score on a test?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Okay? What if you get not quite a perfect score?
What if you get like most of them right, but
not all of them?
Speaker 4 (16:58):
I will be a little bit disappointed, but I'll still
be pretty happy, but not enough to go into slave.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Queen not enough to go into slave queen mode, but
not enough to go into bad wolf mode. Does the
bad wolf have a name?
Speaker 5 (17:14):
Do you?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
What do you do? You call it anything?
Speaker 4 (17:16):
I call it my unconscience.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
You're unconscious? You're unconscious? Yes, okay, that's very interesting. Why
do you call it that?
Speaker 4 (17:24):
Because my conscience is supposed to if I'm doing if
I'm going to do something that I'm not supposed to do,
it's gonna tell me I shouldn't do this, but my
unconscious it it like wants me to do it.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Ah, And so are there times that you you're unconscious?
You're unconscious is the phrase you're using, that you're in
that place and you don't want to listen to Slay Queen.
You're just like, I just want to do this thing,
and you're in your unconscious. Yes, yes, so, But sometimes
(18:04):
I imagine you're in your unconscious it's telling you to
do something and then you decide not to do it.
What are some of the things you say to yourself
that help you to not do that.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
I'll say I shouldn't be doing this. I could get
in way more trouble and it would make me feel
really bad. I got in more trouble, and if I
did it and nobody found out, I would feel really
guilty and I might take it out on someone.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
You mentioned two things there that stop you. One is
you don't want to get in trouble. The other is
you don't want to feel bad about yourself inside. Which
one of those feels more important to you?
Speaker 4 (18:55):
Feeling bad about myself inside?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah, Well that's actually good. Why? Well, because at some age,
as you get older, right, you there won't be the
same things to get in trouble with right, And some
day your parents won't be there looking at every step,
you won't be in school telling you everything to do.
And then at that point it's really your own conscience
(19:19):
that becomes important. You know that desire to feel good
about ourselves, and it seems really wise to me that
you recognize it. Even if you don't get caught, it
still feels bad. That's that's really good. See. Sometimes our conscience,
(19:56):
or as Mackenzie would say, our unconscious, is our companion
to keeping us on the right track. Our conscience is
constantly evaluating things, including ourselves. That's how we know whether
we've made a mistake or should feel proud. But where
are we getting the standards from? Are they coming from
within or somewhere else? Well, I guess to answer my
(20:20):
own question a little bit. They certainly don't come only
from within. A lot of the standards we apply to
ourselves come from comparison with others. These comparisons may be inevitable,
but we should still be careful about with who and
how much we compare ourselves. Hi Riley, Hi, thank you
(20:42):
for sitting down with me.
Speaker 6 (20:43):
Thank you for inviting me here.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Yeah, so we're going to be talking about the helpful
or unhelpful wolf or the good and bad wolf. Do
you have names for them?
Speaker 6 (20:55):
My inner cons on, my inner consance, whatever.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Yeah, that word, you're inner conscience?
Speaker 6 (21:01):
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
And so what are some of the things that the
this for the on the bed wolf. It looks like
you wrote crusty? What's that?
Speaker 6 (21:11):
Well, like I'm just like not feeling myself that day,
got it, like just just feeling weird, or like my
hair doesn't look good and it has a lot of
dan drift and I don't know. It's just a word
that comes up when I thought of it this morning.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Yeah, And it just so you're it's the ways you
talk to yourself that put yourself down. Yeah. Yeah. And
on the good side, what are some of the things
that the good side says to you.
Speaker 6 (21:38):
Like you look good today, or like I did really
good on that test earlier and I'm smart and I
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Yeah, And so you know, you mentioned that you feel
good when you feel like you look good. You feel
good if you did good on a test. What about
when you're not doing if you don't feel like you
look good or you didn't do good on a test,
how do you talk to yourself and how do you
kind of not get stuck in that?
Speaker 4 (22:12):
Well?
Speaker 6 (22:13):
Sometimes when I am picking out my clothes for the
day and I just want to like feel good that day,
I could always just mix and match my outfits and
try things I haven't tried before, or see what my
mom hasn't in her closet because we're basically the same size.
(22:36):
And if I don't do well then tests, I could
always talk to my teachers. Teachers they always want to
help you, I've learned these past few years in middle school.
They're just there for you, and if you are struggling
with something, they will be happy to make you do
(22:58):
a better grade because they don't want you to fail either.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Right, right, What about feeling I'm just I'm just curious
about this. About feeling good about yourself, even if you
don't feel like you look good or you don't feel.
Speaker 6 (23:13):
Smart, well, surround surrounding yourself with people who care about you,
like friends, family, talking to outer relatives so you don't
see over and connecting them with your phone or a
computer and or your friends. You could always just be like, hey,
(23:34):
I want to.
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Talk to you.
Speaker 6 (23:35):
And if they're a good friend, they will help you
through whatever you're feeling that day. So surrounding yourself with.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
People you love, do you feel like you can kind
of say anything to your friends? Oh yeah, that's good,
that's really good. What sort of things you know make
the good wolf or the bad wolf show up? You
sort of mentioned how you feel like you're looking, or
how you feel like you're doing. What are some other things?
Speaker 6 (24:05):
Well mental mentally, you should feel good on the inside
and out and on the inside. You just need to
do what you love. So if you don't like, for example,
soccer and you're playing soccer, you have to just have
to make the best of it and meet a new
friend to play soccer with. And having that mental goal
(24:30):
to just I'll get just through another month of doing
soccer and then I'll be done with it and I
can do things I enjoy. And then just talking to
people saying hey, mom, I don't want to do soccer anymore,
that would be another good mental thing for your mental health.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Yeah. So, I mean one of the things that often
is not good for our mental health is when we
compare ourselves to other people. And I think that's like
at your age I remember being your agent. I feel
like that was about the time that I did that
the most. Yeah, do you feel like you're do you
feel that?
Speaker 5 (25:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (25:05):
Comparison is definitely one that, like it hurts the most
for yourself or if someone compares you to another person.
It is a tough thing that everyone has to deal with,
but people just need to work through it, and yourself,
you just need to just push yourself to do what
(25:27):
you want to change.
Speaker 4 (25:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Yeah, I mean there's that old idea that am I
better than I was yesterday? You know, that's a much
more useful comparison than am I like that person? Or
am I as pretty as they are? Am I as
good looking as they are? Am I as smart as
they are? You know. But it's always interesting because in
(25:50):
school it's such a small contained thing, you know that,
like that your your comparisons are kind of right there,
and you can't see the whole huge world outside of that.
You know, when you get to be a little bit
older and outside of school, at least for me, I
suddenly realized like, oh wait, like you know, there's a
(26:12):
there's a big world of people out there, and I
don't I'm not competing against these five people that I
thought I was right. There's you know, there's there's lots
of lots of options and choices.
Speaker 6 (26:23):
Oh yeah, and uh like people who are older, like
people have told me that right now, like my age.
Do you think parents are just trying to control you?
Speaker 2 (26:36):
But later in.
Speaker 6 (26:37):
Life you're going to realize that I actually.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Should have listened to them.
Speaker 6 (26:41):
And I don't know where I heard that. I heard
at somewhere I'm trying to think, but something along the
lines of that.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Yep. Most grown ups are not trying to control. They're
trying to help. Now, sometimes they are also controlling, and
that feels No one likes to feel controlled, definitely, right,
you know, no one likes to feel controlled. But yeah,
we sometimes know what we're talking about as grown ups sometimes,
(27:08):
and you guys also often know exactly what.
Speaker 6 (27:11):
You're talking about for the most part, for the most
part you think talking about.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Of course, do you have any questions for me about
the good and bad wolf?
Speaker 6 (27:20):
I don't think so, not that I can think of.
Speaker 4 (27:26):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Okay, I'm not well, thank you so much, yeah, thank you.
As Riley said, comparisons, especially to others, can undermine our
self confidence and joy. I couldn't agree more that it's
better to focus on our own growth rather than measuring
ourselves against arbitrary standards. You can do this by checking
(27:49):
in with yourself and saying, am I better than I
was yesterday? This keeps the focus inward in a motivating way.
It's about progression rather than perfection. In building on that
idea of inner comparison, I want to introduce one more
of the kids I had a chance to speak with, Lily.
She talks about something akin to imposter syndrome, that feeling
(28:12):
that we're lying about who we are. It stems from
the gap between how we present ourselves versus our inner experience.
But rather than judging or doubting ourselves, maybe there's another
way to think about it. Hi, Lily, Hello, thanks for
sitting down with me.
Speaker 5 (28:31):
Just thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
I'm very happy to You were telling me just before
we started that you like to ride horses.
Speaker 4 (28:37):
Yes, I do.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Yeah, What how long have you been doing that?
Speaker 5 (28:43):
I'd like to say five years when I first started,
when I first moved here. That is when it became
much more serious than just a love for horses.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Yeah, well you must be good at it. After five
years yes. Yeah, so you know, we talked about this
idea of good and bad wolf for or helpful or
unhelpful wolf. Do you have names for them or what
do you How do you think of it? Just?
Speaker 5 (29:08):
I don't think there's any I don't know how we
look at it. It's more of just don't let the
negative feed off of you and all your failures and
more live off of the success instead of fails.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
So focus more on the things that go well than
things that go badly.
Speaker 5 (29:28):
Yes, because those bad things happen.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Yep. So you wrote down some things that you know
the good wolf tends to say or the bad wolf
tends to say, or the positive and negative to use
your terms or success and failure, And one of them
that I thought was interesting is I am listening. What
does that mean?
Speaker 5 (29:48):
Just knowing that there are people there and are supportive
about what you are thinking and won't bring you down
for it.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Yeah, so people you can share about what you're feeling
and they will encourage you versus make you feel bad.
Speaker 5 (30:06):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
Do you have any people in your life who make
you feel bad when you share what's going on?
Speaker 5 (30:11):
I don't have any names, but there are probably people
out there.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Okay, okay, And so what sort of things cause the
good wolf? And the things the good wolf has to say, like,
you know, you know this, you're smart, you'd be good
at this. What sort of things cause that that voice
to show up in your head?
Speaker 5 (30:38):
It's in math that's I don't always feel so confident,
and then I have to tell myself, oh, hey, actually
you'd be good at this. Here, you know what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
Yep, and so you and so with math, you just
keep trying, yep. I had an experience recently that was
really good for me about trying. So I started rock
climbing inside it like a gym, you know. But then
I got a chance to climb outside once. I've actually
gone a couple of times. But the first time I went,
(31:11):
I got there and I went up to the wall
and I just could not I mean I looked at it.
I was like, there's no way I'm ever going to
get up that, and like I couldn't even figure out
like even the first few places to put my hand
because like in a rock climbing gym, the holds are colored,
you know what color to go for, right, And on
an outdoor wall, there's none of that. The first fifteen minutes,
(31:33):
I went like half a foot I mean, I went nowhere,
and I was like, this is not going to work.
This is not going to work. I almost gave up,
and I was like, just keep trying, And before long
I was all the way up there, which was kind
of amazing, because I really was certain there was no
way I was going to be able to do it.
Speaker 5 (31:49):
You have some experiences like that, maybe in Ela. There's
times when we're supposed to be writing and I have
no idea. Oh my, oh gosh, I'm never going to
get this done, have no ideas. My brain is empty,
and I end up just reading or talking to someone
and get those ideas a lot from parents.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
M And then you do it and it works out.
Speaker 5 (32:12):
Yeah, I'm really proud of the work. It's what takes
you the longest.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Well, that is a really good lesson to carry through
your whole life, which is that most times when you
start something, particularly something that's like writing or creative, is
that you it feels like you can't do it. I
mean literally, every single time I have to write a
talk for like a speech or something, or you know,
a presentation I'm giving, when I sit down and do it,
(32:38):
I'm like, I'm not going to be able to do this.
It isn't any good. I don't have any good ideas,
you know, And and they you know. And I get
to talk to a lot of like you know, best
selling authors, and they all say the same thing, like
you just have to get something down and then it
gets better. So talk to me about some of the
things that the bad wolf says to you. What what
(32:59):
what are some of the in your head? The negative
side of them.
Speaker 5 (33:02):
It's just a lot of you can't do this, or
they can do this better than you. It's a lot
of comparing, which I'm working on getting rid of it.
It's not good.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Yeah, it's hard, though, isn't it. Yeah, it's hard. I
mean we naturally do it as humans, right, I think
we're naturally wired to do it. We are we are
a social species. My experience is you can't stop it
from happening, but you can you can not listen to
it or not encourage it. Yes, you know, like if
I walk into a room full of people I don't know,
(33:31):
I'm immediately going to start judging the people around me
and how do I compare to them? But then if
I can just let that go.
Speaker 5 (33:38):
It does nothing but make everything worse when you.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
Compare one percent. So what are some of the things
that you do to get you to stop comparing?
Speaker 5 (33:47):
It's well, it's it's also we all have our strength
and weaknesses. So someone might be better at something else
than me, but I might be better at something else.
And it's a lot of just making up that we're
we're all different, we all have different learning speeds.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Yeah, you're uniquely you. Yes, no one else is like you,
and you're not like anyone else. Not only does the
conscience make us compare ourselves to others, but it tells
us what we are capable of. When it says that
we're not really the person we claim to be or
what others think we are, it can feel like imposter syndrome.
(34:25):
But by acting as if we are the person we
say we are, we can begin to create the evidence
we need in order to truly believe it. Our conscience,
inner critic, or narrator is something that virtually every one
of us will live alongside for our entire lives. It's
that chattering box that will tell us what we need.
(34:47):
It will tell us if we should think of ourselves
as good or bad. It will cause us to feel
guilty and ruminate, and it will tell us what we
should think we're capable of. Since it's almost impossible to
get rid of the chattering box altogether, we have to
learn to cultivate one that we can trust. In the
best of times. It should tell us things that make
(35:09):
us feel inspired to realize our best selves have the
unconditional love to forgive and nudge us into feeding our
good wolf. Cultivating a conscience you can rely on can
begin at any time. But what's been so great about
speaking to these kids and making this episode is I've
had the opportunity to see how, even at their young ages,
(35:31):
they've got a keen insight into that inner narrator. We
all wrestle with the voice that compares, judges, criticizes, and
they're already developing strategies to manage that unrelenting inner critic.
Whether it's focusing on gratitude, surrounding themselves with affirming friends,
or simply asking how can I improve rather than why
(35:53):
am I not good enough? These students are learning the
fundamentals of emotional intelligence, self compassion, and how to feed
their good wolf. While these kids are fortunate enough to
have learned these skills so early, many of us have
had to learn them in our adult lives. I hope
that if any of these techniques are new to you,
you can use them in your life as well.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
If what you just heard was helpful to you, please
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Feed podcast. When you join our membership community. With this
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It's our way of saying thank you for your support now.
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We wouldn't be able to do what we do without
(36:53):
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the show.
Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers
have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes
like garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think,
ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts
don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self pity, jealousy,
(00:28):
or fear. We see what we don't have instead of
what we do. We think things that hold us back
and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking.
Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort
to make a life worth living. This podcast is about
how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction,
(00:48):
how they feed their good wolf.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Welcome to the one you feed. In today's episode, we
have something a little bit different. Recently, I was visiting
a friend of mine who's lives in Colorado, and she
mentioned that she had been teaching her students about the
parable of the good wolf and the bad wolf. After
hearing this, I thought, I bet those kids have some
really good ideas about how to feed your good wolf.
(01:13):
So I asked if I could speak with them. The
reason I thought this would be so interesting is because,
as adults we can be so immersed in our wide
and complicated world that we can forget how wide and
complicated our lives felt back when we were kids. We
tend to think of childhood as the simpler times before
we had to worry about things like dissatisfaction, rumination, guilt, comparison,
(01:38):
imposter syndrome, or insecurity. But when talking to these kids,
what surprised me was just how early in our lives
the bad wolf starts appearing. Maybe it's always there. That
being said, these kids are great, and even at this
young age, they have their own ways of trying to
ensure they feed their good wolf. The kids I spoke
(02:00):
with is Emory.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Hi.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Emory, Hi, thank you for talking with me.
Speaker 4 (02:06):
You're welcome.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
What are the It looks like you've got some sort
of crown on or ears? What am I seeing here?
Speaker 4 (02:12):
My cat eres?
Speaker 2 (02:14):
You're what ears?
Speaker 4 (02:14):
My cattiers?
Speaker 5 (02:16):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Your caddiers you have gems on them. They are beautiful
and you have a bow.
Speaker 4 (02:20):
Thank you?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
You look really nice today. I love your caddies.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
I made my mommy and daddy make me warless because
they always say, choose between a head band or a bow,
and I did both today.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
So Miss Rebecca probably taught you a little bit about
the good wolf and the bad wolf? What do those
things mean to you? They mean like.
Speaker 4 (02:45):
How like I how my personality ends up every day?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
So what are some of the things your good wolf
says in your head to you?
Speaker 4 (02:57):
My good wolf says you can do this?
Speaker 2 (03:01):
What are some of the things that bad wolf says?
Speaker 4 (03:05):
You can't do this?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
You can't do this.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
You're not smart.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
You're not smart. So what do you do when you
when you're when you hear that in your mind?
Speaker 4 (03:16):
I know you am smart, So I just ignore the
bad wolf.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
You just ignore the bad wolf? Huh?
Speaker 4 (03:20):
And I and I listen to the good wolf.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Uh huh. Do you ever find that hard to do?
Speaker 4 (03:27):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Sometimes the bad wolf just keeps talking even though you
ignore it.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Yeah. What do you do then?
Speaker 4 (03:36):
I keep listening to the good wolf.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Just keep trying to hear the good wolf. Huh? Do
you ever ask anybody for help with that?
Speaker 4 (03:45):
Yes? Yes? Who mommy, I say, Mommy, my bad wolf
says something that's not good. She says, don't listen to
the bad wolf or the bad wolf, and listens to
the good wolf. What does your bad wolf say to you?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
What does my bad wolf say to me? Well, he says,
you're not good enough, you don't have enough, you need
things you don't have. You should be more like this
or more like that.
Speaker 4 (04:23):
That's something my bad wolf said. My bad wolf says, like, like,
when I buy something that I actually do want, then
I'm like, well I want that instead.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
So you think you want something, you get it, and
then you still realize you want something else.
Speaker 4 (04:47):
Yes, So if something was one dollar I could get
and I kept getting the same thing, I could get
ten of them because I have ten dollars.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Or you could get one thing ten dollars.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
Or I could get two things that is five dollars.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
You know your math pretty well. Yeah, So do you
think that getting things makes you happy?
Speaker 4 (05:13):
Yes, it does. I'm like, I'm like the only one
in this whole entire not this whole entire country, but
this whole entire world that one's toys.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
So they make you happy. But do they do you
stay happy? Or do you end up wanting something else?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
I'll end up wanting something.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
Now.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
What Emery is talking about here is something we all
have to learn to deal with. Dissatisfaction. In part, our
minds are striving machines. It doesn't come naturally to most people,
if anyone to remain satisfied, But we all have that
little voice in our heads that says, well, it'd be
nice if we just had and fill in the blank.
(05:56):
But there is a remedy for dissatisfaction, and Emory already
knows it. It's gratitude.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
You know what makes me like the happiest?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
What's that?
Speaker 4 (06:07):
If that's not toys? It makes me happier than toys.
It just when I wake up and I get to
look and I get to look out my window and
put my slippers on and just look at the beautiful
things outside.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Oh that makes me happy. Yeah, I like that too.
I like looking out the window at beautiful things. Maybe
I should get some slippers. He's like, I should get
some slippers.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
I yes, you have to.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
I have to get some slippers.
Speaker 4 (06:36):
Oh yes, I have ones that are really fuzzy fuzzy okay,
and they come off ois and I have want one
that's an uh that goes on one foot. The other's
al said, it goes on the other foot.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
So you've named your slippers.
Speaker 4 (06:53):
No, it has the picture a lot in this Why.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
See, I don't know what that is frozen? Frozen? Okay.
Do you know what else makes me happy?
Speaker 1 (07:03):
What?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Your cat? Your caddiers, your gem studied caddiers. Yes, the
minute I saw them, it made me happy. Yep, you
make me happy talking to you.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
I also love my caddiers. Yes, And I'm really grateful
for what I have because I cry whenever I think
of something that I don't like. That's a mine, I cry.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
What do you mean? Even though we can overcome our
feelings of dissatisfaction by focusing on what we're grateful for,
the little voice does so much other than tell us
that we need more. As Emory herself is experienced, the
little voice often tells us not to forgive ourselves. What
makes you.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
Cry thinking of things that I didn't mean to do?
Like one time I bet my daddy and he got bled,
And whenever I think of that, it also makes me cry. Sometimes.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Did you say you were sorry? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (08:04):
It was when I was like three or two. It
was when I was very little.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yeah. Do you think you can let go of that
and not worry about it anymore?
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Yeah? I could.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yeah, he's probably forgiven you.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
Yeah, and lost your eye is five. The name was
four ninety six. So it's so it.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Could be what I was four two, Yeah, it was
a while ago. Do you bite people anymore?
Speaker 4 (08:31):
I bite my brother sometimes when I'm frustrated. I am.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
I bet that that the good wolf doesn't is not
in support of you biting your brother. Would you agree?
Speaker 4 (08:43):
Yes, it's definitely the batt wolf.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Definitely the bad wolf.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
Definitely the bad wolf.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Kinshols, definitely the bad wolf is the bier. Yeah. Yeah,
Well what do you think you could do next time
you want to bite somebody?
Speaker 4 (08:57):
I think about it first. Yeah, And my last question is,
how do you like how do you like ignore the
bad Wolf?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Well, that's a very good question. I do you ever hear? Like, say,
you're in one room and there's a sound coming from
the other room and you can't really turn it off.
So sometimes when I'm trying to ignore the bad Wolf,
(09:30):
I just sort of imagine it sounds coming from another room,
and I just try not to really pay much attention.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
I pay more attention on the good Wolf.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Yeah, well, I think that's smart. You seem like you
do a pretty good job of that when you're not
biting things.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
I do.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Thank you so much for talking to me. I've really
enjoyed it.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
You're welcome.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Thanks for letting me where your gem studded caddiers. That
was kind of the highlight of my day. You know,
I really admire Emory's self awareness. Even at her young age.
She can pinpoint when her bad wolf rears its head
and tries to lead her astray. It's so common to
(10:16):
get caught up in feelings of dissatisfaction and rumination. The
mind has a way of fixating on things, whether they
are new, shiny things or painful memories, and Emory clearly
experiences that too, but she seems to have some solid
coping skills when her inner critic flares up. Sometimes, though,
(10:36):
the inner critic comes in another form, especially when we
find ourselves in the cycle of making and breaking promises
to ourselves. Hi Quinn, Hello, thank you for sitting down
with me.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
So, Miss Rebecca sort of talks about the good wolf
and the bad wolf, or the helpful wolf and the
unhelpful wolf. What do you have names for him? What
do you think of?
Speaker 3 (11:03):
I mean, I think the good one should have like
a good like cheery name, and the bad one should
have like kind of like a like a not like
a very.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Good name because it's like a can we think of
some Bertha or something Bertha for the bad wolf?
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Yeah, that's not a very good name.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
So no, unless your name's berth out. If you're birth
out there, I apologize for uh, you know, I hope
there's no Berthas listening, but there might be. You never know.
You wrote down under the bad Wolf bullying. Do you
do you get? Do you bully other people when you're
in the bad Wolf for other people bully you that
make you feel bad?
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Well, the bad wolf is a bully. The bad wolf
is a bully to the good wolf.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I see, okay, that makes sense. What are some of
the things the good wolf says to you?
Speaker 4 (11:50):
Uh?
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Like the good wolf like as if it was like
talking to me right now?
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Yeah, I mean, m.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Like, don't listen to what the bad wolf is saying.
He's just jealous or something.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Mm hmmm. Yeah, you wrote down things like encouragement, bravery, kindness,
hard work. Those are all sort of good wolf things. Yeah, yep.
So if you find yourself in the bad wolf area
right you're feeling afraid, or you're feeling you wrote lazy
or angry, or you're saying yourself nobody likes you. What
do you do? What do you do?
Speaker 4 (12:25):
Then?
Speaker 3 (12:26):
I mean I would tell him to stop. Then if
you didn't stop, I would tell him to stop a
second time, and then if you didn't stop the third time,
I would probably like tell like somebody that could like help.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Yeah, you just tell somebody, like I'm having these difficult thoughts.
I don't quite can't quite get him to stop. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Like sometimes, like when kids are mean to me, I
talk like I get Miss Rebecca and like we usually
talk with them and it usually like works out kind of.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
M yeah, it's good. Do you feel like kids are
mean to you a lot?
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Yeah? Yeah, kind of Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Why do you think that is?
Speaker 3 (12:58):
I mean, like I can be like a little disruptive
in class sometimes, and that seems to be like the
main reason that they don't like they don't like like
me that much.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Why do you think you get disruptive in class?
Speaker 6 (13:13):
Mmm?
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Like I think it's like funny, but then I realize
it's not funny, and then like they kind of just
say like it's like lame kind.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Of Oh yeah, yeah that probably doesn't feel very good,
does it.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (13:27):
So what do you say to yourself after that? When
either you've realized you acted disruptive in class or somebody's
been mean to you, Like, what do you do?
Speaker 4 (13:36):
Then?
Speaker 3 (13:36):
I mean, I try to like just like think like
why did I do that? And then I try and
then I like try to like stop. But then like
the next day, I kind of forget. I said that
to myself.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Mm hmmm yeah yeah. Do you get frustrated with yourself?
Speaker 4 (13:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Sometimes?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Yeah? Do you also forgive yourself?
Speaker 4 (13:56):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Sometimes?
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Yeah. Tell me about when you stay frustrated versus when
you forgive, Like, what are you doing in your head?
What are you saying to yourself?
Speaker 3 (14:08):
M I'm saying, like I can do better the next day?
Speaker 4 (14:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Yeah, yeah, yeah you can. We all make mistakes, don't we?
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (14:18):
We all do things from time to time that we
don't feel great about. The path to growth often involves
making mistakes and learning from them. When we act in
ways that hurt others or make us feel guilty, it's
easy to beat ourselves up, but self criticism usually doesn't
help us become our best selves. Instead, we can acknowledge
(14:39):
our mistakes with care and understanding. Rather than falling into
shame or numbness. Like Quinn, we can reflect on why
we acted that way and how we want to grow.
Of course, we have to apologize when needed and set
intentions to act more thoughtfully next time. But it's also
important that we don't skip the step of self forgiveness.
(15:03):
We all make mistakes, don't we. We've been talking a
lot about our inner critic, how it makes us feel guilty,
how it makes us ruminate. But the inner critic also
does something that's really valuable. It reveals our ideals. It
shows us what we care about, and that can be
a good thing, especially when we have nothing to rely
(15:24):
on besides our conscience. Hi Mackenzie, Hi, I'm so happy
to be sitting here with you. What grade are you in? Fourth? Fourth? Okay?
So how old are fourth graders? Or I should say
how old are you?
Speaker 6 (15:39):
Ten?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Ten? Okay? So tell me about what do you understand
about this idea of the good wolf and the bad wolf?
You wrote some things down. What does sligh queen mean?
Speaker 4 (15:55):
Um? Uh, my good wolf just uses that as a
term that I'm nice to other people.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Exactly. It means you're awesome, yes, slay queen, like you're
sligh in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, that's good. So
what sort of things when What sort of things does
slay queen say to you?
Speaker 5 (16:19):
When?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
When when you're in slay queen mode, what sort of
things are you saying to yourself?
Speaker 4 (16:25):
I'm awesome, I'm powerful, I can do this.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
Yeah okay? And what sort of things make you in
slay queen mode? Like what sort of things are happening
in your life? Either things you're doing or things that
you see or read? What helps you become slay queen?
Speaker 4 (16:46):
A big word that I understand. Are getting a perfect
score on a test?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Okay? What if you get not quite a perfect score?
What if you get like most of them right, but
not all of them?
Speaker 4 (16:58):
I will be a little bit disappointed, but I'll still
be pretty happy, but not enough to go into slave.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Queen not enough to go into slave queen mode, but
not enough to go into bad wolf mode. Does the
bad wolf have a name?
Speaker 5 (17:14):
Do you?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
What do you do? You call it anything?
Speaker 4 (17:16):
I call it my unconscience.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
You're unconscious? You're unconscious? Yes, okay, that's very interesting. Why
do you call it that?
Speaker 4 (17:24):
Because my conscience is supposed to if I'm doing if
I'm going to do something that I'm not supposed to do,
it's gonna tell me I shouldn't do this, but my
unconscious it it like wants me to do it.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Ah, And so are there times that you you're unconscious?
You're unconscious is the phrase you're using, that you're in
that place and you don't want to listen to Slay Queen.
You're just like, I just want to do this thing,
and you're in your unconscious. Yes, yes, so, But sometimes
(18:04):
I imagine you're in your unconscious it's telling you to
do something and then you decide not to do it.
What are some of the things you say to yourself
that help you to not do that.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
I'll say I shouldn't be doing this. I could get
in way more trouble and it would make me feel
really bad. I got in more trouble, and if I
did it and nobody found out, I would feel really
guilty and I might take it out on someone.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
You mentioned two things there that stop you. One is
you don't want to get in trouble. The other is
you don't want to feel bad about yourself inside. Which
one of those feels more important to you?
Speaker 4 (18:55):
Feeling bad about myself inside?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah, Well that's actually good. Why? Well, because at some age,
as you get older, right, you there won't be the
same things to get in trouble with right, And some
day your parents won't be there looking at every step,
you won't be in school telling you everything to do.
And then at that point it's really your own conscience
(19:19):
that becomes important. You know that desire to feel good
about ourselves, and it seems really wise to me that
you recognize it. Even if you don't get caught, it
still feels bad. That's that's really good. See. Sometimes our conscience,
(19:56):
or as Mackenzie would say, our unconscious, is our companion
to keeping us on the right track. Our conscience is
constantly evaluating things, including ourselves. That's how we know whether
we've made a mistake or should feel proud. But where
are we getting the standards from? Are they coming from
within or somewhere else? Well, I guess to answer my
(20:20):
own question a little bit. They certainly don't come only
from within. A lot of the standards we apply to
ourselves come from comparison with others. These comparisons may be inevitable,
but we should still be careful about with who and
how much we compare ourselves. Hi Riley, Hi, thank you
(20:42):
for sitting down with me.
Speaker 6 (20:43):
Thank you for inviting me here.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Yeah, so we're going to be talking about the helpful
or unhelpful wolf or the good and bad wolf. Do
you have names for them?
Speaker 6 (20:55):
My inner cons on, my inner consance, whatever.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Yeah, that word, you're inner conscience?
Speaker 6 (21:01):
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
And so what are some of the things that the
this for the on the bed wolf. It looks like
you wrote crusty? What's that?
Speaker 6 (21:11):
Well, like I'm just like not feeling myself that day,
got it, like just just feeling weird, or like my
hair doesn't look good and it has a lot of
dan drift and I don't know. It's just a word
that comes up when I thought of it this morning.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Yeah, And it just so you're it's the ways you
talk to yourself that put yourself down. Yeah. Yeah. And
on the good side, what are some of the things
that the good side says to you.
Speaker 6 (21:38):
Like you look good today, or like I did really
good on that test earlier and I'm smart and I
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Yeah, And so you know, you mentioned that you feel
good when you feel like you look good. You feel
good if you did good on a test. What about
when you're not doing if you don't feel like you
look good or you didn't do good on a test,
how do you talk to yourself and how do you
kind of not get stuck in that?
Speaker 4 (22:12):
Well?
Speaker 6 (22:13):
Sometimes when I am picking out my clothes for the
day and I just want to like feel good that day,
I could always just mix and match my outfits and
try things I haven't tried before, or see what my
mom hasn't in her closet because we're basically the same size.
(22:36):
And if I don't do well then tests, I could
always talk to my teachers. Teachers they always want to
help you, I've learned these past few years in middle school.
They're just there for you, and if you are struggling
with something, they will be happy to make you do
(22:58):
a better grade because they don't want you to fail either.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Right, right, What about feeling I'm just I'm just curious
about this. About feeling good about yourself, even if you
don't feel like you look good or you don't feel.
Speaker 6 (23:13):
Smart, well, surround surrounding yourself with people who care about you,
like friends, family, talking to outer relatives so you don't
see over and connecting them with your phone or a
computer and or your friends. You could always just be like, hey,
(23:34):
I want to.
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Talk to you.
Speaker 6 (23:35):
And if they're a good friend, they will help you
through whatever you're feeling that day. So surrounding yourself with.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
People you love, do you feel like you can kind
of say anything to your friends? Oh yeah, that's good,
that's really good. What sort of things you know make
the good wolf or the bad wolf show up? You
sort of mentioned how you feel like you're looking, or
how you feel like you're doing. What are some other things?
Speaker 6 (24:05):
Well mental mentally, you should feel good on the inside
and out and on the inside. You just need to
do what you love. So if you don't like, for example,
soccer and you're playing soccer, you have to just have
to make the best of it and meet a new
friend to play soccer with. And having that mental goal
(24:30):
to just I'll get just through another month of doing
soccer and then I'll be done with it and I
can do things I enjoy. And then just talking to
people saying hey, mom, I don't want to do soccer anymore,
that would be another good mental thing for your mental health.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Yeah. So, I mean one of the things that often
is not good for our mental health is when we
compare ourselves to other people. And I think that's like
at your age I remember being your agent. I feel
like that was about the time that I did that
the most. Yeah, do you feel like you're do you
feel that?
Speaker 5 (25:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (25:05):
Comparison is definitely one that, like it hurts the most
for yourself or if someone compares you to another person.
It is a tough thing that everyone has to deal with,
but people just need to work through it, and yourself,
you just need to just push yourself to do what
(25:27):
you want to change.
Speaker 4 (25:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Yeah, I mean there's that old idea that am I
better than I was yesterday? You know, that's a much
more useful comparison than am I like that person? Or
am I as pretty as they are? Am I as
good looking as they are? Am I as smart as
they are? You know. But it's always interesting because in
(25:50):
school it's such a small contained thing, you know that,
like that your your comparisons are kind of right there,
and you can't see the whole huge world outside of that.
You know, when you get to be a little bit
older and outside of school, at least for me, I
suddenly realized like, oh wait, like you know, there's a
(26:12):
there's a big world of people out there, and I
don't I'm not competing against these five people that I
thought I was right. There's you know, there's there's lots
of lots of options and choices.
Speaker 6 (26:23):
Oh yeah, and uh like people who are older, like
people have told me that right now, like my age.
Do you think parents are just trying to control you?
Speaker 2 (26:36):
But later in.
Speaker 6 (26:37):
Life you're going to realize that I actually.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Should have listened to them.
Speaker 6 (26:41):
And I don't know where I heard that. I heard
at somewhere I'm trying to think, but something along the
lines of that.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Yep. Most grown ups are not trying to control. They're
trying to help. Now, sometimes they are also controlling, and
that feels No one likes to feel controlled, definitely, right,
you know, no one likes to feel controlled. But yeah,
we sometimes know what we're talking about as grown ups sometimes,
(27:08):
and you guys also often know exactly what.
Speaker 6 (27:11):
You're talking about for the most part, for the most
part you think talking about.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Of course, do you have any questions for me about
the good and bad wolf?
Speaker 6 (27:20):
I don't think so, not that I can think of.
Speaker 4 (27:26):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Okay, I'm not well, thank you so much, yeah, thank you.
As Riley said, comparisons, especially to others, can undermine our
self confidence and joy. I couldn't agree more that it's
better to focus on our own growth rather than measuring
ourselves against arbitrary standards. You can do this by checking
(27:49):
in with yourself and saying, am I better than I
was yesterday? This keeps the focus inward in a motivating way.
It's about progression rather than perfection. In building on that
idea of inner comparison, I want to introduce one more
of the kids I had a chance to speak with, Lily.
She talks about something akin to imposter syndrome, that feeling
(28:12):
that we're lying about who we are. It stems from
the gap between how we present ourselves versus our inner experience.
But rather than judging or doubting ourselves, maybe there's another
way to think about it. Hi, Lily, Hello, thanks for
sitting down with me.
Speaker 5 (28:31):
Just thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
I'm very happy to You were telling me just before
we started that you like to ride horses.
Speaker 4 (28:37):
Yes, I do.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Yeah, What how long have you been doing that?
Speaker 5 (28:43):
I'd like to say five years when I first started,
when I first moved here. That is when it became
much more serious than just a love for horses.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Yeah, well you must be good at it. After five
years yes. Yeah, so you know, we talked about this
idea of good and bad wolf for or helpful or
unhelpful wolf. Do you have names for them or what
do you How do you think of it? Just?
Speaker 5 (29:08):
I don't think there's any I don't know how we
look at it. It's more of just don't let the
negative feed off of you and all your failures and
more live off of the success instead of fails.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
So focus more on the things that go well than
things that go badly.
Speaker 5 (29:28):
Yes, because those bad things happen.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Yep. So you wrote down some things that you know
the good wolf tends to say or the bad wolf
tends to say, or the positive and negative to use
your terms or success and failure, And one of them
that I thought was interesting is I am listening. What
does that mean?
Speaker 5 (29:48):
Just knowing that there are people there and are supportive
about what you are thinking and won't bring you down
for it.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Yeah, so people you can share about what you're feeling
and they will encourage you versus make you feel bad.
Speaker 5 (30:06):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
Do you have any people in your life who make
you feel bad when you share what's going on?
Speaker 5 (30:11):
I don't have any names, but there are probably people
out there.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Okay, okay, And so what sort of things cause the
good wolf? And the things the good wolf has to say, like,
you know, you know this, you're smart, you'd be good
at this. What sort of things cause that that voice
to show up in your head?
Speaker 5 (30:38):
It's in math that's I don't always feel so confident,
and then I have to tell myself, oh, hey, actually
you'd be good at this. Here, you know what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
Yep, and so you and so with math, you just
keep trying, yep. I had an experience recently that was
really good for me about trying. So I started rock
climbing inside it like a gym, you know. But then
I got a chance to climb outside once. I've actually
gone a couple of times. But the first time I went,
(31:11):
I got there and I went up to the wall
and I just could not I mean I looked at it.
I was like, there's no way I'm ever going to
get up that, and like I couldn't even figure out
like even the first few places to put my hand
because like in a rock climbing gym, the holds are colored,
you know what color to go for, right, And on
an outdoor wall, there's none of that. The first fifteen minutes,
(31:33):
I went like half a foot I mean, I went nowhere,
and I was like, this is not going to work.
This is not going to work. I almost gave up,
and I was like, just keep trying, And before long
I was all the way up there, which was kind
of amazing, because I really was certain there was no
way I was going to be able to do it.
Speaker 5 (31:49):
You have some experiences like that, maybe in Ela. There's
times when we're supposed to be writing and I have
no idea. Oh my, oh gosh, I'm never going to
get this done, have no ideas. My brain is empty,
and I end up just reading or talking to someone
and get those ideas a lot from parents.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
M And then you do it and it works out.
Speaker 5 (32:12):
Yeah, I'm really proud of the work. It's what takes
you the longest.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Well, that is a really good lesson to carry through
your whole life, which is that most times when you
start something, particularly something that's like writing or creative, is
that you it feels like you can't do it. I
mean literally, every single time I have to write a
talk for like a speech or something, or you know,
a presentation I'm giving, when I sit down and do it,
(32:38):
I'm like, I'm not going to be able to do this.
It isn't any good. I don't have any good ideas,
you know, And and they you know. And I get
to talk to a lot of like you know, best
selling authors, and they all say the same thing, like
you just have to get something down and then it
gets better. So talk to me about some of the
things that the bad wolf says to you. What what
(32:59):
what are some of the in your head? The negative
side of them.
Speaker 5 (33:02):
It's just a lot of you can't do this, or
they can do this better than you. It's a lot
of comparing, which I'm working on getting rid of it.
It's not good.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Yeah, it's hard, though, isn't it. Yeah, it's hard. I
mean we naturally do it as humans, right, I think
we're naturally wired to do it. We are we are
a social species. My experience is you can't stop it
from happening, but you can you can not listen to
it or not encourage it. Yes, you know, like if
I walk into a room full of people I don't know,
(33:31):
I'm immediately going to start judging the people around me
and how do I compare to them? But then if
I can just let that go.
Speaker 5 (33:38):
It does nothing but make everything worse when you.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
Compare one percent. So what are some of the things
that you do to get you to stop comparing?
Speaker 5 (33:47):
It's well, it's it's also we all have our strength
and weaknesses. So someone might be better at something else
than me, but I might be better at something else.
And it's a lot of just making up that we're
we're all different, we all have different learning speeds.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Yeah, you're uniquely you. Yes, no one else is like you,
and you're not like anyone else. Not only does the
conscience make us compare ourselves to others, but it tells
us what we are capable of. When it says that
we're not really the person we claim to be or
what others think we are, it can feel like imposter syndrome.
(34:25):
But by acting as if we are the person we
say we are, we can begin to create the evidence
we need in order to truly believe it. Our conscience,
inner critic, or narrator is something that virtually every one
of us will live alongside for our entire lives. It's
that chattering box that will tell us what we need.
(34:47):
It will tell us if we should think of ourselves
as good or bad. It will cause us to feel
guilty and ruminate, and it will tell us what we
should think we're capable of. Since it's almost impossible to
get rid of the chattering box altogether, we have to
learn to cultivate one that we can trust. In the
best of times. It should tell us things that make
(35:09):
us feel inspired to realize our best selves have the
unconditional love to forgive and nudge us into feeding our
good wolf. Cultivating a conscience you can rely on can
begin at any time. But what's been so great about
speaking to these kids and making this episode is I've
had the opportunity to see how, even at their young ages,
(35:31):
they've got a keen insight into that inner narrator. We
all wrestle with the voice that compares, judges, criticizes, and
they're already developing strategies to manage that unrelenting inner critic.
Whether it's focusing on gratitude, surrounding themselves with affirming friends,
or simply asking how can I improve rather than why
(35:53):
am I not good enough? These students are learning the
fundamentals of emotional intelligence, self compassion, and how to feed
their good wolf. While these kids are fortunate enough to
have learned these skills so early, many of us have
had to learn them in our adult lives. I hope
that if any of these techniques are new to you,
you can use them in your life as well.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
If what you just heard was helpful to you, please
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Feed podcast. When you join our membership community. With this
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We wouldn't be able to do what we do without
(36:53):
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Host
Eric Zimmer
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