What to do when a student flat-out says NO
[Get the FREE Calm Scripts Guide: https://www.the-unteachables.com/calmscripts]
Let’s talk about the moment every teacher dreads:
You’ve asked a student to follow an instruction… and they just say “No.”
Or ignore you.
Or crank the volume on their phone.
Or knock the work off the table.
Whether it’s passive defiance or full-on “get out of my face” energy, the stress response this triggers in us? Whewww. It’s real. And it’s raw.
In today’s episode, I’m walking you through how to respond to student defiance in a way that’s calm, regulated, and actually works.
No yelling.
No power struggles.
No public meltdowns.
Just 20 plug-and-play CALM SCRIPTS that help you hit pause, protect your values, and keep your credibility in check — even in the heat of the moment.
Whether you’re dealing with low-level noncompliance or outright oppositional behaviour, these phrases will help you hold firm boundaries without escalating the situation. They are a nervous system life raft — for you AND the student.
Let’s get into it.
What You’ll Learn:
- Why defiance hits teachers like a threat — and what your brain is doing in that moment
- Why “just staying calm” isn’t always realistic (and what to do instead)
- The #1 way to de-escalate student defiance without losing face
- 20 word-for-word calm scripts you can start using tomorrow
- How to practise these in low-stakes moments before things go off the rails
- Why protecting the nervous system is the secret sauce to credible classroom leadership
Have a question, comment, or just want to say hello? Drop us a text!
RESOURCES AND MORE SUPPORT:
- Shop all resources
- Join The Behaviour Club
- My book! It’s Never Just About the Behaviour: A holistic approach to classroom behaviour management
- The Low-Level Behaviour Bootcamp
- Free guide: 'Chats that Create Change'
Connect with me:
- Follow on Instagram @the.unteachables
- Check out my website
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Claire English (00:01):
Oh, hi there, teachers, welcome to the
Unteachables podcast.
I'm your host, claire English,and I am just a fellow teacher,
a toddler mama and a big oldbehavior nerd on a mission to
demystify and simplify thatlittle thing called classroom
management.
The way we've all been taughtto manage behavior and classroom
manage has left us playingcrowd control, which is not
(00:22):
something I subscribe to,because we're not bouncers,
we're teachers.
So listen in as I walk youthrough the game, changing
strategies and I mean the thingsthat we can actually do and
action in our classrooms thatwill allow you to lean into your
beautiful values as acompassionate educator and feel
empowered to run your room witha little more calm and, dare I
(00:43):
say it, a lot less chaos.
I will see you in the episode.
Hello, beautiful teacher, andwelcome back to the Unteachables
podcast.
I am Claire English.
For any of you who are new hereand haven't heard me before,
and if you are new here, my gosh, you've got over a hundred
episodes in the vault to go andlisten to to.
(01:04):
If you're struggling withsomething specific, go and
listen to.
Just go have a scroll and seewhat might be helpful.
If you're dealing withlow-level behaviors but like,
for example, there's a wholeseries on low-level behaviors in
the in the episode vault, soyou just have a scroll through
and see what might be great.
If you are an avid listener,welcome back.
(01:26):
It's so nice to have you here.
You know that I appreciate youbeing here so much.
Now, today's episode is going tobe a good one, because it's
about something that I get askedall of the time, which is what
to do when a student just saysflat out no to you and is super
defiant, and you know you'veasked them to do something and
it's just a no.
So, for example, a student's inyour lesson and they've got
(01:47):
their phone out and you approachthem and you say, hey, let's
pop that away so we can go backto learning, and they look at
you and they might say nope, orthey might just ignore you and
they might just continue.
Maybe they even put the volumeon their phone louder just to
make things even more difficult.
Maybe you've got a couple ofstudents who are chatting away
and you've asked them to bequiet multiple times and they're
(02:08):
refusing to follow yourinstructions.
Maybe you've got a student whoyou give work to and they're
like I don't want to do thiscrap.
Like get it out of my face andthey swipe it off the table.
Whatever way the defiance showsup in your classroom, it is one
of the toughest things to dealwith, and that is for a variety
of reasons, most of which haveto do with our stress response
and the fact that when a studentsays no to us, that's a
(02:30):
perceived threat in the brain.
Because control is safety.
We want to have mastery overour space, over our class, over
our practice, and it's just arecipe for disaster.
When a student just turnsaround and is super defiant and
says no, I mean for me, I knowthat my jaw gets tense and my
face can get hot and my stomachcan churn.
(02:51):
My shoulders get really tightand inside it's really hard not
to think.
How freaking dare they say thatto me?
I'm their teacher in front ofthe whole class.
Are they serious?
And as well as that, whensomeone says no, especially
publicly, it can start to makeus feel like, if we don't go
head to head on this situation,we're going to be perceived by
(03:12):
the class as being weak.
We need to make a point of this.
We need to turn that no into ayes immediately.
There's so much going on for uswhen a student says no, it is
so difficult If you're in thebehavior club.
By the way, this month'straining is all about dealing
with defiance.
So if you want to learn moreabout the impact of defiance,
why it's so challenging, andthen obviously all of the
(03:34):
roadmaps and everything to beable to deal with defiance, then
pop into this month's training.
If you're not in the behaviorclub, the doors are currently
closed just because we're atcapacity.
But I will be opening up to thewait list only, um, at the
start of next month, just to thepeople who are on the wait list
and then to everybody else, Ithink one or two months after
that um, depending on how we gowith with membership and
(03:57):
enrollment.
So, um, if you would like tojoin us this is just a bit of an
aside you can head tothe-unteachablescom forward
slash TBC, which is for thebehavior club.
I'll put that link in the shownotes as well, but just wanted
to do that aside, for thebehavior club is listening.
You can pause this episode andjump into the behavior club and
watch that training series Ifyou are struggling with defiance
(04:20):
and you want a really specificroadmap to be able to address it
and to really like, feel morein control of those situations.
Okay, but on today's episode,for the rest of you, I'm going
to walk you through somethingthat will transform how you
react in those moments, which iscalm scripts.
I'll be going through 20 of mymost used behavior response
(04:42):
sentences that will help you tode-escalate the moment because
it puts space between you andthe reaction.
Still, daily, when I'm in theclassroom and I'm facing
situations where students arebeing defiant, still I will go
blank and I'll be like, oh mygosh, what do I say here?
Because it can.
It's so disarming for us.
(05:03):
When a student says no, it canbe really hard to know what to
say in the moment.
And because it's firing ouramygdala and because we're
getting that stress response,it's very easy to then just snap
and to say something that mightnot be as helpful in
de-escalating the situation.
And if we're not de-escalatingthe situation, our likelihood of
turning that no into a yes isjust it's out the window, it's
(05:26):
in the bin, right?
So this calm script is one ofthe best tools that you can have
in your pocket to be able torespond calmly, put space
between you and the reaction andthen hopefully be able to
return to that situation in sucha way that you'll be able to
resolve it effectively, and it'salso really helpful for the
student as well.
(05:46):
So we will go into it If theseare helpful.
By the way, I've also got alittle download for you and I'll
drop the blog link in the shownotes as well, so you can
download these 20 as a PDF andyou can share it with your team
if you'd like to.
That's fine.
But yeah, I use these daily andI'm just so happy to be able to
bring these to you because Iknow that it's going to be
helpful.
(06:07):
Okay, so what is a calm script?
First up, that might be helpfulto know.
A calm script or a calmsentence is a short, clear
phrase or sentence that you canuse in the heat of the moment,
when a student has showndefiance, has said no, and
you're feeling like you might betriggered, might say something
(06:28):
that is not helpful.
You need to put space betweenit.
It's just a ready-made responsethat helps you hold a boundary
without escalating and withoutdisconnecting with that student.
Think of it as an emotionalfirst aid kit, something that
protects you and supports thestudents and just buys both of
you some time to reset.
This is not about soundingrobotic or perfect, by the way.
(06:50):
It's just about being preparedif your brain does go blank and
you're just not certain on howto respond to the situation that
you have at hand.
Let me give you an example of asituation where I've used a
calm script.
I have, I mean, every day, likeyou'll have these situations
every day and this example islike an amalgamation of this
particular scenario, where youknow it always happens but, so
(07:12):
to say, you've explained thetask multiple times and the
students are still chatting andyou're trying to redirect and
one student just says no, I'mbusy, go away, leave us alone.
So students that just won'tstop chatting and you're trying
to explain the task and you'retrying to get them on track.
It hits so hard because it ispublic and that kind of public
defiance can just make yourwhole body and brain light up.
(07:33):
It's incredibly triggering.
So, thinking about our instinctand intention in that moment,
your instinct might be to reactloudly, to assert authority, to
shut it down fast and shut itdown as quickly as possible
because you don't want to seemweak in front of the rest of the
class.
But that's usually going toescalate things and your brain
needs a lot of support to beable to get through those
moments.
(07:53):
That's why scripts keep youfrom spiraling.
So in that moment, rememberthat the nervous system is on
high alert, logic is out thewindow, you're in fight, flight
or freeze and it's really hardto think of the right thing to
say.
So you've got those students infront of you.
They're chatting away, they'vesaid no, I'm not stopping to
(08:16):
talk, you know, and your brain'sall foggy.
These prepared scripts help yourespond with clarity when that
brain is still a bit foggy andyou're still being led by the
amygdala, which is the emotionalpart of the brain, and you want
to re -engage the prefrontalcortex.
You don't have to remember allof these, by the way.
Just pick three of yourfavorites, write them down.
Remember that you can just goand get my free guide so you can
(08:40):
have them all there and you canhighlight your favorites and
have them just on your desk,which can be really helpful as
well.
Just say, if something'shappening, you can quickly
glance at them and find theright one for that moment.
So you don't have to have itall down pat, you don't have to
remember every single one ofthem, just have a few on hand.
So here are a few.
These are 20.
So I'll try to go through.
I might not go through all ofthem, we'll see how we go.
(09:00):
The first one is let's take amoment, then we'll try again.
This is so good because in that, like that's easy to remember.
Let's take a moment, we'll trythat again.
I'll come back in two minutes.
What that's doing is you aresaying to that student, without
saying it, that that responsethat you got from them wasn't
appropriate.
That's not the response thatyou were looking for.
(09:22):
I'm going to take a moment here, we're going to come, we're
going to settle and I'm going tocome back.
That means that when you walkaway, you can come back after
that a little bit more calm, alittle bit more regulated, and
that student then knows that youare coming to resolve that
(09:43):
situation as well.
So it's giving you a little bitof space between it.
That means as well that thatstudent is not going to feel as
threatened by it.
They're not going to feel asconfrontational, because they've
been kind of prepped on what toexpect next.
The next one is I can see you'renot ready to talk.
We'll come back to this.
Same as the first one.
You know you're not ready totalk, aka, like that was not the
response that we're looking forhere.
We're going to take a moment.
(10:03):
I'm going to come back.
Let's take a moment.
We'll reset.
I'm not here to argue with you.
Let's take a break and I willreturn in five minutes.
So I'm not here to argue withyou.
That is really good for when astudent is going oh miss, what
the hell are you doing here?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
You can just be the adult inthe room, um, which is really
hard to do when I'm like talkingabout these things, like if
(10:25):
it's a really triggeringsituation and that student is
really defiant and it's throwingyou in a tailspin, not arguing
the point, is very difficult todo.
So if you have ever gone into asituation where you have
started to argue with a studentand you've gone fist to fist,
like you are, you know you're.
That's the hill you're going todie on.
Please know that you are not abad teacher, you're not a bad
(10:48):
human.
You are not.
You know you're not defyingyour values around education and
around supporting your youngpeople.
You are just a human being thathas an amygdala, that has a
stress response.
It has their own needs and ofcourse, it is challenging in the
moment.
These calm scripts are justgoing to help you.
So that one's a really good one, and I've used that many times
before.
(11:08):
I'm not here to argue with you,mark.
I'm going to take a break.
I'll return in five.
We can talk then.
That's just saying when I comeback as well.
We're not here to argue, we'rehere to talk through it.
Another one let's pick this upin five when we're both calm.
Another one is here's why thismatters right now.
You might say here's why thismatters right now.
I've got the rest of the classthat are ready to learn.
(11:30):
You're not followinginstructions.
I'm going to go away and I'mgoing to come back, and then
we're going to discuss thechoices after that.
You might say you've got twochoices.
Either works for me.
You can sit at the front of theroom with me, or you can sit at
this table here.
Those are the choices.
I'm going to come back soon.
I'm going to hear what you,what you think, or I'm going to
walk away now and you can.
You can make that choice andI'll be popping back to make
(11:53):
sure you've made that choice.
Another one let's try sayingthat again, that's a really good
one.
If someone's you know, if astudent's snapped in a certain
way, or and you have a goodrelationship with that student,
you can say let's try sayingthat again.
Like, what do you need rightnow?
I can see that you're having atough time, but right now I
expect that we are sitting downand listening.
(12:13):
Or right now I expect thatyou're going outside to to work
with your partner, or whateverit is that you're expecting in
that moment.
I'm not here to argue.
Let's take a moment.
Oh sorry, I think I said thatalready in a different way.
Whoa, okay, let's pause, I'mgoing to come back in a minute
and check in.
When I do.
I expect that we're both in aplace that we can have a chat.
(12:34):
Uh, I like that one because ifyou've got a good relationship
with a student and they've beenreally cutting with their
comments or they've saidsomething or they've spoken in a
certain way, I'll go whoa, like, okay, let's take a pause, I'm
going to come back in a minuteand check in when I do.
James, I would expect that we'retalking to each other on a
different level than that.
(12:55):
Okay, with a little bit morerespect, might say take a second
.
I will check back in shortly.
You might say we'll talk morewhen things are calm, but right
now I need you to copy the dateoff the board, or whatever it
might be.
You can feel frustrated, that'sokay, but I still need you to
do X.
You're not in trouble.
We just have to find a waythrough this.
Help me understand what's goingon for you right now.
(13:17):
Let's put this chat on pause.
I'll come back in five.
Have another think about whatI've asked.
I'll come back in five.
I like that one.
I use that one all of the time,because you've already
explained your expectations, butnow you're just reiterating
that and you're giving them atimeframe to be able to follow
through.
So have a think about what I'veasked.
I'm going to come back in fiveminutes and check in.
(13:39):
That means that you can walkaway.
You've got some choices.
I'm going to give you space tothink about them.
I'll be back shortly.
What I love about all of theseis it gives you an out.
What often happens when studentsare defiant is we get locked
into a battle, like ahead-to-head battle, and we feel
like we can't back down fromthat because it's very public
(13:59):
and we think, if we back down,if we let that student win the
battle, then the rest of theclass is going to see that and
they're going to know that I'mnot able to follow through, that
I'm not able to get thatstudent to hand their phone into
me, as I'm standing there withmy handout and I'm expecting
them to put it in there.
I know that the class is goingto think that when I send a
student out, it's an optionalthing because they're not doing
(14:21):
it.
You know.
So when we use one of thesescripts, we are not locking
ourselves in to that battle.
We are not saying you need tofollow my instructions right now
or I'll need to do this,because then what happens is we
escalate, and escalate andescalate, because students don't
want to lose face in front oftheir peers.
They become more dysregulated,they feel boxed in.
(14:42):
So they are going to, they'regoing to continue and continue
and continue and it's going toget to a point where you both
try to, you know, win thatbattle and it's going to get to
a point where you have to reachthe highest level of consequence
for that student because youneed to save face in front of
the rest of the class.
These completely cut that optionout because you are giving
(15:05):
space.
You are saying this is why itmatters.
I'm going to walk away now.
The class can see that.
The class can see you'readdressing it but you're not
getting locked into a battle andthat student knows that you're
not locked into that battle andyou're just giving them space to
make the choice.
It is so flipping powerful.
So what I want you to do is Iwant you to find, like, choose
two or three that feel reallynatural for you to practice and
(15:28):
just have one go-to line ready.
That feel really natural foryou to practice and just have
one go-to line ready and it'lljust keep you anchored in tough
moments.
Go and download the guides,have that at the ready,
highlight your favorites or justwrite one down from this
episode.
Write it in your phone and justpractice it next lesson, even
practice it on a student thatand this is what I always do a
student that isn't really reallyhigh level, like in terms of
(15:50):
their behavior, not reallycomplex needs.
I might try these things on astudent who you know like maybe
they're just being a little bitdifficult that day, but you've
got a really good relationshipwith them and you know they're
not going to explode.
You know, like choose a studentto practice on that, yeah, you
have a bit more trust thatthings are going to go smoothly.
(16:12):
So it's just like an exercisein practicing these strategies.
That's what I used to do when Iwould learn anything Like so,
when I was learning how to runreally effective discussions
with students about theirbehavior, I'd be first
practicing with a teacher friendand then I'll be practicing
with students who weren't ascomplex in their needs, and then
I'll be practicing withstudents who weren't as complex
in their needs, and then I'llfeel more confident to be able
(16:33):
to do it in the toughest ofmoments and it can be really,
really helpful just to build ourconfidence in knowing what to
say.
Okay, so, just to wrap up, youdo not need the perfect response
.
You just need something that'snon-reactive and calm.
If you stuff these sentences up, it doesn't matter.
You don't have to do theseexactly.
Those 20 were literally just avariation of each other, like
(16:57):
they're really similar.
You just need something that'scalm and non-reactive and that
acts as that pause button foryou and the student.
It just protects your values,it protects your credibility,
but it also protects the studentfrom escalating and it protects
their nervous systems.
This is good for everybody tohave something like that up your
sleeve and, as I said before,if you want more of that kind of
(17:18):
support, then we are digginginto this inside of the
BehaviClub this month, with ourDealing With Defiance focus at
the time of recording.
Remember, though, that we're atcapacity, so be sure to join
the wait list.
If you're listening in realtime.
If you've been desperate tojoin the behavior club, you
missed out before we closed thedoors, and then I'll be opening
for everybody at the start ofeither July or August, just
(17:39):
depending on how that lines up.
But if you try one of these andit works well, please feel free
to pop over and let me know orleave me a review, which would
mean so much because it helps meto reach more teachers just
like you, who deserve to havestrategies and support that
actually work.
When it comes to things likethis, that are the hardest
(18:01):
things to deal with in theclassroom.
When students are defiant, theysay no, and it makes us
question everything.
Okay, lovely teacher, thank youfor listening in today, wishing
you the best for the classroomthis week and take care.
Bye for now.
Oh, hi there, teachers, welcome to the
Unteachables podcast.
I'm your host, claire English,and I am just a fellow teacher,
a toddler mama and a big oldbehavior nerd on a mission to
demystify and simplify thatlittle thing called classroom
management.
The way we've all been taughtto manage behavior and classroom
manage has left us playingcrowd control, which is not
(00:22):
something I subscribe to,because we're not bouncers,
we're teachers.
So listen in as I walk youthrough the game, changing
strategies and I mean the thingsthat we can actually do and
action in our classrooms thatwill allow you to lean into your
beautiful values as acompassionate educator and feel
empowered to run your room witha little more calm and, dare I
(00:43):
say it, a lot less chaos.
I will see you in the episode.
Hello, beautiful teacher, andwelcome back to the Unteachables
podcast.
I am Claire English.
For any of you who are new hereand haven't heard me before,
and if you are new here, my gosh, you've got over a hundred
episodes in the vault to go andlisten to to.
(01:04):
If you're struggling withsomething specific, go and
listen to.
Just go have a scroll and seewhat might be helpful.
If you're dealing withlow-level behaviors but like,
for example, there's a wholeseries on low-level behaviors in
the in the episode vault, soyou just have a scroll through
and see what might be great.
If you are an avid listener,welcome back.
(01:26):
It's so nice to have you here.
You know that I appreciate youbeing here so much.
Now, today's episode is going tobe a good one, because it's
about something that I get askedall of the time, which is what
to do when a student just saysflat out no to you and is super
defiant, and you know you'veasked them to do something and
it's just a no.
So, for example, a student's inyour lesson and they've got
(01:47):
their phone out and you approachthem and you say, hey, let's
pop that away so we can go backto learning, and they look at
you and they might say nope, orthey might just ignore you and
they might just continue.
Maybe they even put the volumeon their phone louder just to
make things even more difficult.
Maybe you've got a couple ofstudents who are chatting away
and you've asked them to bequiet multiple times and they're
(02:08):
refusing to follow yourinstructions.
Maybe you've got a student whoyou give work to and they're
like I don't want to do thiscrap.
Like get it out of my face andthey swipe it off the table.
Whatever way the defiance showsup in your classroom, it is one
of the toughest things to dealwith, and that is for a variety
of reasons, most of which haveto do with our stress response
and the fact that when a studentsays no to us, that's a
(02:30):
perceived threat in the brain.
Because control is safety.
We want to have mastery overour space, over our class, over
our practice, and it's just arecipe for disaster.
When a student just turnsaround and is super defiant and
says no, I mean for me, I knowthat my jaw gets tense and my
face can get hot and my stomachcan churn.
(02:51):
My shoulders get really tightand inside it's really hard not
to think.
How freaking dare they say thatto me?
I'm their teacher in front ofthe whole class.
Are they serious?
And as well as that, whensomeone says no, especially
publicly, it can start to makeus feel like, if we don't go
head to head on this situation,we're going to be perceived by
(03:12):
the class as being weak.
We need to make a point of this.
We need to turn that no into ayes immediately.
There's so much going on for uswhen a student says no, it is
so difficult If you're in thebehavior club.
By the way, this month'straining is all about dealing
with defiance.
So if you want to learn moreabout the impact of defiance,
why it's so challenging, andthen obviously all of the
(03:34):
roadmaps and everything to beable to deal with defiance, then
pop into this month's training.
If you're not in the behaviorclub, the doors are currently
closed just because we're atcapacity.
But I will be opening up to thewait list only, um, at the
start of next month, just to thepeople who are on the wait list
and then to everybody else, Ithink one or two months after
that um, depending on how we gowith with membership and
(03:57):
enrollment.
So, um, if you would like tojoin us this is just a bit of an
aside you can head tothe-unteachablescom forward
slash TBC, which is for thebehavior club.
I'll put that link in the shownotes as well, but just wanted
to do that aside, for thebehavior club is listening.
You can pause this episode andjump into the behavior club and
watch that training series Ifyou are struggling with defiance
(04:20):
and you want a really specificroadmap to be able to address it
and to really like, feel morein control of those situations.
Okay, but on today's episode,for the rest of you, I'm going
to walk you through somethingthat will transform how you
react in those moments, which iscalm scripts.
I'll be going through 20 of mymost used behavior response
(04:42):
sentences that will help you tode-escalate the moment because
it puts space between you andthe reaction.
Still, daily, when I'm in theclassroom and I'm facing
situations where students arebeing defiant, still I will go
blank and I'll be like, oh mygosh, what do I say here?
Because it can.
It's so disarming for us.
(05:03):
When a student says no, it canbe really hard to know what to
say in the moment.
And because it's firing ouramygdala and because we're
getting that stress response,it's very easy to then just snap
and to say something that mightnot be as helpful in
de-escalating the situation.
And if we're not de-escalatingthe situation, our likelihood of
turning that no into a yes isjust it's out the window, it's
(05:26):
in the bin, right?
So this calm script is one ofthe best tools that you can have
in your pocket to be able torespond calmly, put space
between you and the reaction andthen hopefully be able to
return to that situation in sucha way that you'll be able to
resolve it effectively, and it'salso really helpful for the
student as well.
(05:46):
So we will go into it If theseare helpful.
By the way, I've also got alittle download for you and I'll
drop the blog link in the shownotes as well, so you can
download these 20 as a PDF andyou can share it with your team
if you'd like to.
That's fine.
But yeah, I use these daily andI'm just so happy to be able to
bring these to you because Iknow that it's going to be
helpful.
(06:07):
Okay, so what is a calm script?
First up, that might be helpfulto know.
A calm script or a calmsentence is a short, clear
phrase or sentence that you canuse in the heat of the moment,
when a student has showndefiance, has said no, and
you're feeling like you might betriggered, might say something
(06:28):
that is not helpful.
You need to put space betweenit.
It's just a ready-made responsethat helps you hold a boundary
without escalating and withoutdisconnecting with that student.
Think of it as an emotionalfirst aid kit, something that
protects you and supports thestudents and just buys both of
you some time to reset.
This is not about soundingrobotic or perfect, by the way.
(06:50):
It's just about being preparedif your brain does go blank and
you're just not certain on howto respond to the situation that
you have at hand.
Let me give you an example of asituation where I've used a
calm script.
I have, I mean, every day, likeyou'll have these situations
every day and this example islike an amalgamation of this
particular scenario, where youknow it always happens but, so
(07:12):
to say, you've explained thetask multiple times and the
students are still chatting andyou're trying to redirect and
one student just says no, I'mbusy, go away, leave us alone.
So students that just won'tstop chatting and you're trying
to explain the task and you'retrying to get them on track.
It hits so hard because it ispublic and that kind of public
defiance can just make yourwhole body and brain light up.
(07:33):
It's incredibly triggering.
So, thinking about our instinctand intention in that moment,
your instinct might be to reactloudly, to assert authority, to
shut it down fast and shut itdown as quickly as possible
because you don't want to seemweak in front of the rest of the
class.
But that's usually going toescalate things and your brain
needs a lot of support to beable to get through those
moments.
(07:53):
That's why scripts keep youfrom spiraling.
So in that moment, rememberthat the nervous system is on
high alert, logic is out thewindow, you're in fight, flight
or freeze and it's really hardto think of the right thing to
say.
So you've got those students infront of you.
They're chatting away, they'vesaid no, I'm not stopping to
(08:16):
talk, you know, and your brain'sall foggy.
These prepared scripts help yourespond with clarity when that
brain is still a bit foggy andyou're still being led by the
amygdala, which is the emotionalpart of the brain, and you want
to re -engage the prefrontalcortex.
You don't have to remember allof these, by the way.
Just pick three of yourfavorites, write them down.
Remember that you can just goand get my free guide so you can
(08:40):
have them all there and you canhighlight your favorites and
have them just on your desk,which can be really helpful as
well.
Just say, if something'shappening, you can quickly
glance at them and find theright one for that moment.
So you don't have to have itall down pat, you don't have to
remember every single one ofthem, just have a few on hand.
So here are a few.
These are 20.
So I'll try to go through.
I might not go through all ofthem, we'll see how we go.
(09:00):
The first one is let's take amoment, then we'll try again.
This is so good because in that, like that's easy to remember.
Let's take a moment, we'll trythat again.
I'll come back in two minutes.
What that's doing is you aresaying to that student, without
saying it, that that responsethat you got from them wasn't
appropriate.
That's not the response thatyou were looking for.
(09:22):
I'm going to take a moment here, we're going to come, we're
going to settle and I'm going tocome back.
That means that when you walkaway, you can come back after
that a little bit more calm, alittle bit more regulated, and
that student then knows that youare coming to resolve that
(09:43):
situation as well.
So it's giving you a little bitof space between it.
That means as well that thatstudent is not going to feel as
threatened by it.
They're not going to feel asconfrontational, because they've
been kind of prepped on what toexpect next.
The next one is I can see you'renot ready to talk.
We'll come back to this.
Same as the first one.
You know you're not ready totalk, aka, like that was not the
response that we're looking forhere.
We're going to take a moment.
(10:03):
I'm going to come back.
Let's take a moment.
We'll reset.
I'm not here to argue with you.
Let's take a break and I willreturn in five minutes.
So I'm not here to argue withyou.
That is really good for when astudent is going oh miss, what
the hell are you doing here?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
You can just be the adult inthe room, um, which is really
hard to do when I'm like talkingabout these things, like if
(10:25):
it's a really triggeringsituation and that student is
really defiant and it's throwingyou in a tailspin, not arguing
the point, is very difficult todo.
So if you have ever gone into asituation where you have
started to argue with a studentand you've gone fist to fist,
like you are, you know you're.
That's the hill you're going todie on.
Please know that you are not abad teacher, you're not a bad
(10:48):
human.
You are not.
You know you're not defyingyour values around education and
around supporting your youngpeople.
You are just a human being thathas an amygdala, that has a
stress response.
It has their own needs and ofcourse, it is challenging in the
moment.
These calm scripts are justgoing to help you.
So that one's a really good one, and I've used that many times
before.
(11:08):
I'm not here to argue with you,mark.
I'm going to take a break.
I'll return in five.
We can talk then.
That's just saying when I comeback as well.
We're not here to argue, we'rehere to talk through it.
Another one let's pick this upin five when we're both calm.
Another one is here's why thismatters right now.
You might say here's why thismatters right now.
I've got the rest of the classthat are ready to learn.
(11:30):
You're not followinginstructions.
I'm going to go away and I'mgoing to come back, and then
we're going to discuss thechoices after that.
You might say you've got twochoices.
Either works for me.
You can sit at the front of theroom with me, or you can sit at
this table here.
Those are the choices.
I'm going to come back soon.
I'm going to hear what you,what you think, or I'm going to
walk away now and you can.
You can make that choice andI'll be popping back to make
(11:53):
sure you've made that choice.
Another one let's try sayingthat again, that's a really good
one.
If someone's you know, if astudent's snapped in a certain
way, or and you have a goodrelationship with that student,
you can say let's try sayingthat again.
Like, what do you need rightnow?
I can see that you're having atough time, but right now I
expect that we are sitting downand listening.
(12:13):
Or right now I expect thatyou're going outside to to work
with your partner, or whateverit is that you're expecting in
that moment.
I'm not here to argue.
Let's take a moment.
Oh sorry, I think I said thatalready in a different way.
Whoa, okay, let's pause, I'mgoing to come back in a minute
and check in.
When I do.
I expect that we're both in aplace that we can have a chat.
(12:34):
Uh, I like that one because ifyou've got a good relationship
with a student and they've beenreally cutting with their
comments or they've saidsomething or they've spoken in a
certain way, I'll go whoa, like, okay, let's take a pause, I'm
going to come back in a minuteand check in when I do.
James, I would expect that we'retalking to each other on a
different level than that.
(12:55):
Okay, with a little bit morerespect, might say take a second
.
I will check back in shortly.
You might say we'll talk morewhen things are calm, but right
now I need you to copy the dateoff the board, or whatever it
might be.
You can feel frustrated, that'sokay, but I still need you to
do X.
You're not in trouble.
We just have to find a waythrough this.
Help me understand what's goingon for you right now.
(13:17):
Let's put this chat on pause.
I'll come back in five.
Have another think about whatI've asked.
I'll come back in five.
I like that one.
I use that one all of the time,because you've already
explained your expectations, butnow you're just reiterating
that and you're giving them atimeframe to be able to follow
through.
So have a think about what I'veasked.
I'm going to come back in fiveminutes and check in.
(13:39):
That means that you can walkaway.
You've got some choices.
I'm going to give you space tothink about them.
I'll be back shortly.
What I love about all of theseis it gives you an out.
What often happens when studentsare defiant is we get locked
into a battle, like ahead-to-head battle, and we feel
like we can't back down fromthat because it's very public
(13:59):
and we think, if we back down,if we let that student win the
battle, then the rest of theclass is going to see that and
they're going to know that I'mnot able to follow through, that
I'm not able to get thatstudent to hand their phone into
me, as I'm standing there withmy handout and I'm expecting
them to put it in there.
I know that the class is goingto think that when I send a
student out, it's an optionalthing because they're not doing
(14:21):
it.
You know.
So when we use one of thesescripts, we are not locking
ourselves in to that battle.
We are not saying you need tofollow my instructions right now
or I'll need to do this,because then what happens is we
escalate, and escalate andescalate, because students don't
want to lose face in front oftheir peers.
They become more dysregulated,they feel boxed in.
(14:42):
So they are going to, they'regoing to continue and continue
and continue and it's going toget to a point where you both
try to, you know, win thatbattle and it's going to get to
a point where you have to reachthe highest level of consequence
for that student because youneed to save face in front of
the rest of the class.
These completely cut that optionout because you are giving
(15:05):
space.
You are saying this is why itmatters.
I'm going to walk away now.
The class can see that.
The class can see you'readdressing it but you're not
getting locked into a battle andthat student knows that you're
not locked into that battle andyou're just giving them space to
make the choice.
It is so flipping powerful.
So what I want you to do is Iwant you to find, like, choose
two or three that feel reallynatural for you to practice and
(15:28):
just have one go-to line ready.
That feel really natural foryou to practice and just have
one go-to line ready and it'lljust keep you anchored in tough
moments.
Go and download the guides,have that at the ready,
highlight your favorites or justwrite one down from this
episode.
Write it in your phone and justpractice it next lesson, even
practice it on a student thatand this is what I always do a
student that isn't really reallyhigh level, like in terms of
(15:50):
their behavior, not reallycomplex needs.
I might try these things on astudent who you know like maybe
they're just being a little bitdifficult that day, but you've
got a really good relationshipwith them and you know they're
not going to explode.
You know, like choose a studentto practice on that, yeah, you
have a bit more trust thatthings are going to go smoothly.
(16:12):
So it's just like an exercisein practicing these strategies.
That's what I used to do when Iwould learn anything Like so,
when I was learning how to runreally effective discussions
with students about theirbehavior, I'd be first
practicing with a teacher friendand then I'll be practicing
with students who weren't ascomplex in their needs, and then
I'll be practicing withstudents who weren't as complex
in their needs, and then I'llfeel more confident to be able
(16:33):
to do it in the toughest ofmoments and it can be really,
really helpful just to build ourconfidence in knowing what to
say.
Okay, so, just to wrap up, youdo not need the perfect response
.
You just need something that'snon-reactive and calm.
If you stuff these sentences up, it doesn't matter.
You don't have to do theseexactly.
Those 20 were literally just avariation of each other, like
(16:57):
they're really similar.
You just need something that'scalm and non-reactive and that
acts as that pause button foryou and the student.
It just protects your values,it protects your credibility,
but it also protects the studentfrom escalating and it protects
their nervous systems.
This is good for everybody tohave something like that up your
sleeve and, as I said before,if you want more of that kind of
(17:18):
support, then we are digginginto this inside of the
BehaviClub this month, with ourDealing With Defiance focus at
the time of recording.
Remember, though, that we're atcapacity, so be sure to join
the wait list.
If you're listening in realtime.
If you've been desperate tojoin the behavior club, you
missed out before we closed thedoors, and then I'll be opening
for everybody at the start ofeither July or August, just
(17:39):
depending on how that lines up.
But if you try one of these andit works well, please feel free
to pop over and let me know orleave me a review, which would
mean so much because it helps meto reach more teachers just
like you, who deserve to havestrategies and support that
actually work.
When it comes to things likethis, that are the hardest
(18:01):
things to deal with in theclassroom.
When students are defiant, theysay no, and it makes us
question everything.
Okay, lovely teacher, thank youfor listening in today, wishing
you the best for the classroomthis week and take care.
Bye for now.
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