December 2, 2025 • 44 mins
Welcome back to another (and spicy) episode of Where's Your Head At! We have the pleasure of being joined by the incredible Clinical Sexologist Laura Miano. Laura answers all of our sex questions and more, from what we're getting wrong in the bedroom, when to get back on the horse and how to lean into your own sexuality and leading your own sex life.. there's something in here for everyone. We loved Laura's insight and would love to have her back to answer your burning questions directly, let us know if you're keen xx
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Where's Your Head At. Today,
we are joined by clinical sex therapist Laura.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hello, welcome to Where's your Head as?
Speaker 3 (00:12):
Thank you, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We are very excited to have you in the studio today.
We have lots and lots of questions. We want to
talk about porn. I'm going to talk a little bit
about sex after having a baby.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
I was going to ask you about sex and when's
the next time to start seeing people and get over
to get under.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Host marriage, like we've got it all kind of all
the questions that we want to ask you.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
So obviously you are a sexologist, is that correct?
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Yep? Sex ologist, sex therapist.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
How do you get into that? What what makes you?
Do you study for it? Or how do you get
qualified in that?
Speaker 3 (00:48):
Yeah? Yeah, so I said.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
It myself, a sexologists, but I haven't studied any.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Practical academic So I did my bachelor in psychological science.
Then I also did my masters, which I did through
Sydney UNI. It's a Master of Science in Medicine in
Sexual and Reproductive health, so it's technically like a master's
and sex therapy.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
So why would you choose that? I just sat curiosity,
like it's so niche. I guess there's not many people
doing that, Am I right? Or is it?
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Yes? You're right? Yeah, I always, I always really loved psychology.
I found it really interesting. I was a bit of
a like psychology nerd, science nerd in school, but I
also have a bit of like a fun part of
my personality. And as I kind of got further into psychology,
I just felt like I wanted to do something that
could also have like a fun element to it. And
(01:45):
I mean when I was kind of growing up, going
through adolescents, you know, like your body changes, you develop
as a sexual person, and for me, I was always
very upfront and I would talk to my friends about
those things and it was always a super comfortable talking
about it, and I for me, it was a really
positive experience. And I think the yeah, the more I
(02:06):
kind of got into it, I really loved, especially with
my friends, like being able to talk openly about sexuality
and kind of advocate for my friends and advocate for
women's sexuality, which back, you know, when I was probably sixteen,
was not really much of a thing. It was, you know,
(02:26):
very much in its infancy, like the sexual wellness movement,
and whatnot.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
It's such an incredible job, and I can imagine that
every day is going to look very different for you
if someone is coming into your clinic. What are some
of the concerns that you're seeing.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
The main concerns I see would be low desire in women,
premature ejaculation, and a rector dysfunction in men. It's a
really big one, which is also kind of linked to porn,
a compulsive porn news, porn addiction. Another one would be
sexual pain in women, So conditions like vaginismus involved in
ya where it becomes quite hard to have penetrative sex,
(03:06):
and it's very much linked to arousal, feeling comfortable and
penetration not being associated with pain and fear, but being
associated with pleasure.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Yeah. Mismatched desires also another big one as well.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Sound like libidos are on two different Yeah? Yeah, is
there what would be like, I know you can't fix
it in this question, but what's some stuff you can
do to resolve that sort of stuff like libidos?
Speaker 3 (03:31):
Yeah? Well, what I would often kind of investigate is
does the couple have any unresolved conflict in their broader relationship?
Is there a reason why they the partner that has
the lower desire has that are they not connecting, is
there not enough time to connect in other ways, or
(03:51):
are there just issues that haven't been resolved.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
So you obviously lean into the therapy side thing as well.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Then definitely yeah, yeah, so that's like the general relationships STUF.
But then I'll ask about their how much eroticism is
in their relationship. Often those kinds of relationships have become
I call it like zero to one hundred. So there's
like either very limited sexual flirty interactions or there's a
(04:17):
full blown sexual experience and it's the whole thing, and
it just puts a lot of pressure on, you know,
especially the one that has less desire. They might just
want to kiss and cuddle or sleep naked or have
like a bit of a makeout session because that's what's
what they feel like they have capacity for that day.
But then they wouldn't do anything because there's this expectation
(04:38):
that if they do that, then a full sexual experience
needs to occur. And often the high desire partner doesn't
expect that, like they wouldn't They would like just a
little bit of intimacy, but because they both haven't spoken
about it. There's this assumption, but a little bit of
intimacy means everything. So it just makes it so much
harder to approach.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
And communication and I feel like, yeah, it just without
the communication there, it completely erodes sexual intimacy sex drive.
So you would see that a lot.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Absolutely, Yeah, communication is one of the biggest things because
really two people, you know, a couple could have sex
once a year or have sex, you know, three times
in a week, and as long as they're on the
same page, as long as they're both happy, they're talking
about it, they both understand it, each other is feeling
(05:33):
good about it, then that makes a world of difference.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Amount to have sex in us honestly so different.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
It's quite interesting in my therapy sessions because people will
come in and be like, our sex life is so bad.
It's really bad, Like we're just really not having sex.
And then I'll ask how often and they'll say they're
doing it, like, you know, three times a week rather
than five. And then I'll have the exact a different
couple say the exact same thing, but it's once every
(06:04):
six months.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
And going off, how much you have sex doesn't really matter,
It doesn't really make you a healthy relationship or a
good relationship. Like one of some of my worst relationships,
we had the most sex that I've had, you know
what I mean. Yeah, it's just I don't think it correlizes.
It doesn't align sometimes, you know what I mean. So
that's a misunderstanding from people as well.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Yeah, and it's also about quality, not quantity, because people
can have lots of sex, but it's maybe you know,
a bit routine. It doesn't feel like connected resent and
they're like being creative and trying new things. It's just
like the same old sex four times a week to
just maybe get off, get it done, and then that's it.
(06:45):
And yeah, what a lot of couples will come to
me like wanting to work on is to actually increase
the quality.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
So how do we have more quality sex?
Speaker 3 (06:57):
I would say, again, it starts in a broader relationship.
I think your broader sex will reflect your broader relationship.
So if you and your partner, which you know, it's normal,
life gets in the way. But what I often see
is like if two people live together and their relationship
is about getting jobs done, being a team, they've got
(07:17):
like a nice flow of things going, which is good,
but it just lacks a bit of romance, a bit
of passion, then sex will. They're the couples where I
would see sex becoming routine because yeah, like there's not
that I would say. The romance is such a big one,
like having date nights, expressing love for each other, just
(07:38):
having pleasurable moments in your broader relationship sexually, but just
having fun together.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Yeah. We always say like going to going to a
hotel with your partner or with an intimate partner, whoever
it is, is just different gravy, It just it's different.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Yeah, absolutely fine. I always ask my clients when is
the that's the best sexual experience you've had with your partner,
and it's always away in a hotel. Yeah, there's just
something about it, Yeah, sexy.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Yeah, there is. Do you have do you talk more
into like like I'm going to say role playing, but
like all that sort of stuff as well? Do you
find clients that do that sort of stuff or is
that too? Is that if they come to you, they're
a bit far off getting to that level.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Yeah, I mean role players, I guess a very specific
desire that hasn't come up so much, to be honest,
but yeah, I think it's more just getting people to
a place where they feel comfortable expressing their desires with
each other. That's kind of what sex therapy is.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
That was gonna be my next question. Yeah, someone is
ashamed or not shamed or embarrassed of a kink, is
there any recommendations that they can go about bringing it
up to their partner or their person they're sleeping with.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
Yeah. Absolutely, Yeah, So sometimes people might view a kink
that is, you know, it's it is healthy for them,
it's it's pleasurable and it's a positive experience, but because
of shame, they might think that it's a bad it's bad,
you know, because maybe after they do the kink, they
might experience like, you know, a lot of shame coming
over them and embarrassment, and so in therapy, I'll always
(09:12):
kind of point that out to them. If this kink
is something that's pleasurable and part of like, you know,
a healthy sex life, then we'll remove the shame and
then work on how they can communicate it to their partners.
But you know, if it's something that is a little
bit out there and maybe their relationship has not gone
(09:33):
to that kind of place, I would say, you know,
find a time that feels appropriate where there's privacy, where
there's time to talk and you could say, hey, I'd
love to share you know this interest that I have.
You know, I've been desiring X. Is that something you'd
be open to? And the main thing is don't shame
each other in that conversation, like, oh, I didn't think
(09:53):
you were going to say no to that, Like, don't
be apprude, or oh I didn't know you were into that.
I didn't know you were that kind of person. What
kind of things?
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Why does it have energy around it? Kinks that they're
like negative, Like why and it's shameful?
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Is because they're like, by definition, a kink is something
that's unconventional. So it's something that's just different to what
you would typically see. And so like in certain cultures,
some desires are more normalized, and in those cultures you
wouldn't call them kinks, but in other cultures you would
call them kinks.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, what's some kinks that you see often that maybe
people would be a bit more shocked that are quite normal?
Speaker 3 (10:35):
I would say, I mean being dominated, that's a pretty
common one. Yeah, Like, especially in like heterosexual man, I
do come across that affair bound.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Yeah, I once had a DM and it was like
this person. I don't know if it was real or
not because I get like crazy dms. But someone was like, oh,
I'll pay you ten thousand dollars to kick me in
the balls, and I was like, fuck, you should love
that ten grand That was obviously like a fetish. Yeah,
(11:07):
wouldn't that be painful? Like I don't know, like for
me that is like not to shame, but just I
don't know, No, I'm just by what would turn someone
on with that. I've heard my whole life of being
kicked in the balls as extremely painful. Watch the balls
crown jewels, like we hear all the time. But then, yeah,
(11:30):
can you maybe explain that?
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Well, oftentimes desires are there to meet emotional needs. So
you know, for example, if you feel a little bit lonely,
you might desire like more emotional loving sex. So in
the same way that someone might desire to be dominated
during sex if maybe in the rest of their life
(11:53):
they are often in control, which is a really common
like you know, you have a high power job, you're
in control of a team, all that kind of stuff,
and then during sex, the way that you you're those
kind of the way that you resolve that because maybe
it is a little bit overwhelming, is in this sexual
space you then become completely submissive and it can just
(12:16):
help people to like balance out. Yeah, quite interesting.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
That is very interesting.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Christian Gray wasn't like that.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
I was just.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Dominant.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
What's your thoughts on the movie Fifty Shades of Gray?
Speaker 3 (12:29):
To be honest, I haven't watched it too much. I
love erotic, like psychological erotic films, but I felt like
fifty shas gay. It was just a bit like, I
don't know, it wasn't as well put together. That's some
of the other ones, like Eyes Wide.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Shirt literally, Yeah, that's watch that.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
It's really good. Christmas Through Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Festive felt to watch this season.
Speaker 3 (13:00):
Yeah, it's so good on that one.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
It's about like the Illuminati, is it or something? I
don't want to spoil.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
K It's it's just like an underground world that kind
of go They have these like up markets, kink parties,
I guess. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
You spoke about how porn can be a concern that
people come to you with. What are your thoughts on porn? Firstly?
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Yeah, so, I mean I see a lot of the
more harmful impacts of porn because of the work that
I do, especially with men, I see how it affects
prematory ejaculation. It can lead to that, and it can
lead to like it can lead to low desire in
some cases. But also a rectotis function because when someone
(13:44):
is watching porn, the very unique environment. You know that
there's like there's this super stimulus that they're watching. They're
often very glued to what they're watching and not very
aware of their own bodies. Often they'll masturbate with quite
a strong grip as well, so and their brain has
been flooded, you know, with this stimulus. So then you
go into a partnered setting. Unfortunately, like partnered sex typically
(14:09):
especially in long term relationships, can't really match that level
of flooding. And because of the strong grip, same thing,
penetrative sex doesn't often feel the same as a strong
grip would when masturbating with porn. Other things like even
just you know, if someone is conditioning their response sexual
(14:31):
response to pawn, it means all the little like pornified
moments in porn is what they look for to get aroused.
So then you go to a partner experience the same
thing like you might be looking you might be like
taking on a more like pornified approach to sex. And
often porn is a very like unique world. It doesn't
people don't really naturally find that arousing unless they also
(14:53):
watch porn as well. So that's a way that it
can kind of impact partner sex. Also with like expectations
like how to stimulate a woman, how long it takes
a woman to orgasm, that's a common one, even with
like body image with men I see, like you know,
(15:13):
in porn, men usually have like quite big penises and
they've they last a really long time and they're erect
the entire time, So that can set up kind of
unrealistic expectations, especially when people are watching a lot of porn.
And this is when it's kind of getting in the
more like problematic realm. It's like addictive, and maybe they're
a little bit isolated as well. Like loneliness and porn
(15:36):
can really overlap quite a bit. But even like viewing
the world in a pornified way, So for example, like
if you're walking, you might see someone and you think
they're cute, and then your mind just takes it to
this like pornified place. That's for people who would be
watching it at really.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
High levels, right, so that's unhealthy.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Yeah, i'd probably say like if it's like daily daily for.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Yeah, I mean I don't I don't watch. I know,
I don't watch. I've spoken to and about this. I
don't watch porn that much anymore, if not at all,
Like I sort of I've had partners in the pastity
and like me watching it so sort of train yourself,
not trained, but I sort of like got off it
watching it the wrong word, get off it, but like
I just didn't. I just didn't. They're not the right
(16:24):
way to talk about. But I stop watching it as much,
so I don't really go on it that much and
I feel like I'm a lot healthier in that way. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
Yeah, a lot of guys I speak to you have
decided to stop watching it completely or reduce it right down.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Yeah, I've reduced it right Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Yeah, yeah, I think as well if you're single, you
know if sometimes if you're watching a lot of porn,
it can kind of reduce your desire to like get
out there, but hunger, yeah goes away because you're just
like placated by the porn.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Yeah, what do you think is a healthy amount to
watch it? Then? Like would you say once a week
would be okay or none at all?
Speaker 3 (16:58):
I would say, people, it's ideal to have a relationship
with porn and masturbation.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Don't go cold turkey.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Yeah a lot of people. Yeah, some people choose to
go cold turkey because they just can't control themselves. And
I think, I mean, whatever people want to do, if
it works for them, that's okay, but just have variability.
So like, if you want to masturbate to porn every
now and again, that's fine, but then bring in fantasy,
bring other things in, because when you're just relying on porn,
that's when you start to really condition your sexual response
(17:29):
to just that. Yeah, that's when the problems can kind
of come up.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
What about watching it with a partner so you watch
it together, is that more of a healthier way as
opposed to watching it by yourself or it doesn't really matter?
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Would you say again, I mean, if people are happy
doing that and that's what they do and there's no issues,
then that's fine. But if they were watching porn with
their partner every time, then again they would start conditioning
them and that both of them and their partner would
start needing porn in order to have a sexual experience. Yeah,
just about bringing very ability.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
In sex is so talked about in this day and age,
and it's so positive, I feel like, especially for women,
and you know, feeling empowered to talk about it. Now
we have entered kind of the age of Bonnie Blue
or Addie Knight, who I guess you could say, ah talk,
(18:22):
I don't know, like talking about it to a different extreme.
What are your thoughts on that.
Speaker 3 (18:29):
Yeah, it's like going into like hyper sexuality mortification. Yeah,
it's a hard one. When I when I studied, I didn't.
I wrote an essay actually on self qualification and whether
it benefits the person or not. And so for self
modification is when you are kind of hyper sexualizing yourself
(18:53):
often because people feel like it makes them feel sexually empowered.
And I mean what I kind of conclud in that
essay was that if someone feels sexually empowered to do that,
then you can't kind of take that experience away from them,
regardless of how other people see it. But I don't know,
(19:13):
I think now I'm kind of changing my tune with
that a little bit, because if someone wants to do that,
but they also maybe a bit out of touch with
why they're doing that, like maybe they're self sexualizing or
overly sexualizing because deep down they just want connection. They
want someone to you know, like them or get closer
(19:34):
to someone. I would kind of question, do you think
you need to do that, or you know, can you
be more vulnerable and show this person, you know, your
more vulnerable feelings rather than maybe using sex as a
way to get someone bring someone closer.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, and yeah, I feel like it's so hard with
Bonny Blue because she just rage baits everyone through sex. Yeah,
and I just wonder about the impact of young people
seeing that.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
I know, it's a really tricky one. I watched her
documentary recently.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
We did as well. Yeah, that's interesting.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
It was interesting.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Yeah, she just seems like a sad person me behind
it all.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
I don't know. When I was kind of watching her
doing the interviews, I felt like she was, like, you know,
it didn't seem like there were any kind of signs
of trauma, at least from those experiences. It seemed like
she was kind of having fun.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
But then she went offline. Remember how I thought during
the documentary, like she did the thousand guys and then
she went mia from the cameras and I was like,
surely she's because I feel like she shows people what
she wants them to see.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Also, I've spoken about this before as well sex, and
I believe this as well as an exchange of energy
between two people, and you're exchanging your energy with a
thousand blokes that do not care about you, are.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
Just there to like yes, one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
And it would that would just cripple you surely like
not feel like emotionally like yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Yeah, because I think I mean, when like when people
talk about like energy exchange with sex, I kind of
I totally understand what you're talking about. I kind of
like use a similar but different framework on just framing
it as intimacy and how with intimacy there's emotional intimacy,
physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, intellectually intimacy. And so when you
(21:35):
kind of go into like a sexually and physically intimate
place with someone, if you haven't also gone into an
emotional and intellectual intimate place with them, it can feel
a bit out of balance. It feels like things aren't
in harmony. And that's where I can maybe feel like
draining because you've opened up this one extreme with the
others also not being explored and go back to Bonnie Blue.
(21:58):
I feel like maybe hermotional capacity is less less than
the average person. Yeah, because I feel like for her
to seem unless it was just for the cameras, but
for her to seem somewhat unphased by it, I feel
like she just must not have I don't know that
that same emotional capacity that maybe other people would.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
We have had this debate a couple of times on
the podcast Anna, I disagree with that her on this one.
She believes in to get over someone, who've got to
get under? Are I don't believe that. I feel like
you're just filling a hole.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
I'm like, and then, fine.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Yeah, what's your opinion on that?
Speaker 3 (22:42):
So to get over someone, you need to get under someone? Well,
I think I think there needs to be a few
different processes that happen. I think you need to feel
the pain, you know, you need to grieve what's what
you're getting over, who you're getting over. I think having
said with another person simply to block out the pain
(23:04):
and not process the pain and just feel better about
yourself by validating that you can get people sexually is
probably not gonna It's not the most holistic way of
processing a breakup.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
I mean, though it has like I do see what
Anna saying and that then and what you just said.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Is I agree with what you said, though I think
you do need to get over it, like emotionally.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
And then once you really and then once you realize, hey,
hang on, hang on, I'm gonna be okay. I think that. Yeah,
I do think that. I think I'm all talking about
like when you're absolutely depressed and like you shouldet heal
first before you go do that because it's not fair
on anyone, your self for them. Yeah, so I believe that.
But then once you're healed emotionally and you go out,
(23:49):
I do believe you're like, oh, hang on, I'll be right.
Then you can Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be right.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
But I think it doesn't need to be one extreme
or the other. You know, like you can be healing
and feeling it and then still go out on a
weekend and if it feels right. I would say, look
at think about the motivation behind why you're sleeping with
that person. Is it because you're like attracted you won't
have fun, or because you're trying to feel fill the
loneliness voids.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
What's your opinion on one might stance.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
I think, I mean, I don't from the outset love
hook up culture. I think yeah, I think, you know,
even go back to the idea of like energy exchange.
I feel like the sexual wellness sexual empowerment sorry movement
did a lot of really good things. But I think
one thing is that young people now might think that
(24:39):
it's okay to just have sex, you know, with with
people that haven't really earned that trust, that closeness, that bond,
that connection with Yeah, and I think a lot of
people can have casual experiences and then feel empty after
and not all like there can be some casual experiences
and I you know, in the people I talked to
(25:00):
this often comes up where it was a really memorable one.
But I would say, if you are going to have
a one night stand or have a casual sexual experience,
try to have some of that connection, like the emotional,
the intellectual connection which you can have with someone quickly. Yeah,
but have that. Don't have nothing and it's just purely
(25:21):
physical sexual.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Because I think, I mean, it's pretty hard to find
that though with someone if you're just chatting to them
at a bar.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
That's why I think most of those casual experiences would
not be fulfilling.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, but I mean it's pretty lonely when you're in
the bed by yourself after the next Dame Eddy and
everyone's picked up and left and you're just lying there.
It's pretty lonely experience.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Yeah, Like after a casual experience, you mean, yeah, yeah,
have you heard of the like post that clarity?
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Let's talk about post that clarity.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
So what I think post that clarity is is that
you know there's this sexual desire, you're getting excited, but
you know, maybe there hasn't been that emotional intellectual exploration
also established, And so then you finally have sex, and
then when you orgasm, your kind of prefrontal cortex comes
(26:15):
back online. You're more like human thinking side, and you realize, whoa,
I've just gone to physically in sexually intimate place with
this person. I don't really know them. I don't really
I'm not emotionally connected to them. And then you get
like a disgust response because your body is like, what
I just doing? Get me away from that? What do
(26:35):
you think?
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Yeah? I thinkol, well, why am I wearing this outfit
while are we here? What's going on, I want to
go home. I've never been there.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
I always think that sex with a partner is better
than just a hook up, and I think for that
reason it's because you have that emotional intimacy. But it
just feels better yep, because of all of that, I guess.
Speaker 3 (27:05):
Absolutely, And I think, you know, we often think of
sex as how you stimulate the other person, but it's
so much more than that. It's about like that emotional connection,
the emotional connection you have with someone, and the intimacy
and like the vulnerability that you can explore with someone
that's such a turn on. And when it's just about
(27:27):
like the way that you're touching their body, which is important,
but that's one slither. Yeah, and having all the other elements,
like the emotional part, that's.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
What that's where the real is.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
So we were talking before about I don't know how
to word this, like women and orgasms, and isn't it
like a full thing that like the sex cultures, like
women don't orgasm as much as guys. Yes, ye, women orgasm.
Just I'm sorry, that's obviously all going in there, like.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
That's that's why there's an orgasm gap.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
Yeah, Well, that's what we need to talk about, the
orgasm gap. Why is there such an orgasm gap? Why
are men predominantly like the statistics shows on like worse
lovers of like selfish?
Speaker 3 (28:32):
Yes, well, I I feel like a lot of people
do struggle, struggle to communicate during sex, and women often
feel like they don't want to, you know, put be
too difficult, be too much, and ask for what they need,
because women need It's it's more complex for women to
(28:53):
orgasm than it is for men. It's a bit more straightforward. Again,
it really requires that like emotional connection a lot of
the time, it requires slower experience, more sensuality, and because
a lot of people struggle to communicate, both men and women.
But then also women feel afraid to assert those needs.
Women often don't have all of their sexual needs met
(29:14):
during sex, and then they could struggle to orgasm or
they could maybe fake it.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
And then from a male's point of view as well,
I feel like growing up watching porn, it's more aim
towards the guy as well. So yeah, then to go
have sex, it's more focused on the guy finishing, Yeah,
not so much the girl.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Yeah. Absolutely, And then if they do show a woman orgasming.
It's like squirt touch, Sure, you touch in five seconds
and then just squirting. Yeah, it's so unalistic. Yeah, yeah,
so I think there needs to be more. I think
it would help so much if men could say I
want to pleasure you, I want to get you to climax,
(29:56):
Like what can I do and ask them straight up?
Because yes, and you can get that communication happening often
she'll be able to tell you.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
I also read an article recently that talked about how
women need to feel really safe to be able to
even go to that place and safety for women and
feeling safe and nurtured and you know, looked after. Yeah,
is the key to like a great sex life.
Speaker 3 (30:22):
Yeah. Yeah, Well I would say almost ninety five percent
of the times when I asked my clients what was
your favorite sexual experience, it's the reason why the sex
was so good was because the connection started before sex. Yeah,
you know, it was like a nice dinner, long conversation,
some emotional thing happened, or they had a really nice conversation,
(30:44):
but they were really bonded before and then they took
that into sex.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
I believe in having sex before dinner though, before dinner. Yeah,
if you're going, well, if you do your partner, you
come home, what's the last thing you're want to do
after big dinner?
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Yeah, but we're not talking about a partner, are we
Are we talking about like, do you.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Know what I mean? The last thing you when you
come home from a date, Perhaps you want to just relax.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
First day, I think before the first day.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Last who has come home?
Speaker 1 (31:15):
And if someone's dating, then do you think that holding
off having sex is this question question?
Speaker 3 (31:25):
Yeah? Okay, so I think that firstly, you know, in
developing the emotional intellectual intimacy, I think it can be
a nice process to hold off on sex and get
to know someone a little bit more in other ways. First,
you're showing that other person that you know, this is
(31:46):
what you're interested in. If you're genuinely interested in finding
a relationship, you know, by exploring the other things besides sex,
you're you're seeing if they're genuine genuinely is a connection.
Sometimes I feel like people can fall into the like
situationship kind of thing because deep down they want to
be chosen by that person, but they just end up
(32:07):
having sex because it's the way they can get closer
to them.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
But we live in a society now where, for instance,
say what you're saying that you're nine times out of
ten before even go on a first date with someone,
you're talking to them pretty continuously on different platforms like
texting all day, sending means on Instagram, You're doing all
that sort of stuff. So by the time you actually
meet them, sometimes does feel like you already know them?
Do you know what I mean? So, like I get
(32:32):
what you're saying, I don't. Well, yeah, there's that argument
you don't really know them, but they're just pretending to
be someone, But I don't know. Like I feel like
once you get to when I get to actually see someone,
you're like, oh, I sort of already know you, do
you know what I mean? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (32:45):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
And then I've had girls in the past set like
surprisingly did want to say together on the first day,
and I asked, like that's unusual, and they said, well,
why waste my time if you're a dud route like
continuing this.
Speaker 3 (32:55):
Some yeah, some people feel that like they want to
explore the sexual dynamic that another person have. It doesn't work,
then yeah, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
Kind of I've just wasted three days of my life three.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Dates or I don't agree with that.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Yeah, I don't know, I disagree or disagree to me.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
I've always done a five date rule, you know, Yeah,
I would always do like a five date rules.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
How do you do five dates? To the guy? And
he was an absolute dark I.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
Don't know if I believe in a dud root, Like.
Speaker 3 (33:22):
I agree, sex isza it's about a connection.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
What does that even mean?
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Like there's no connection that you're just you're just a ship.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
But I think you can feel a connection with someone
like in a room, or you can feel like an
energy between people and then that will translate into the bedroom.
I've never felt like a connection between someone that didn't
translate into the bedroom.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
Yeah, I just feel like that's where it. Maybe it
comes down to, like the physical stimulation, Like maybe there
can be some work done there. But if you have
a connection with someone, you like look into their eyes,
you like touch their hair, you get close to them.
All those things are what makes sex so good.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
What's something in the bedroom that most people are doing wrong?
Speaker 3 (34:08):
Ooh, something in the bedroom that people are doing wrong? Okay,
people are following that. They're thinking their way through sex.
So because you know, we're not taught about pleasure in school,
we're not taught. That's what you do to have, like
to guide you through sex. You learn about sex through
like movies and through porn and maybe through people talking
(34:30):
about it, so you have all of these ideas of
what sex should look like. So for example, you might
start a sexual experience, be kissing with someone. It's now
ten minutes into the kissing. You might just you know,
you might be loving it, absolutely loving it, but little
voice in your head says to go to the next
thing now, because that's like, you know, now the kissing
(34:52):
is going for too long, they're gonna get bored. So
then you move to the next thing and you maybe
ignore what your body is just simply enjoying. This plays
out so much during sex. Another example, like you know,
a girl might go on top. She might be moving
her body in a way that she thinks he likes.
You know, she might be just simply doing it in
(35:13):
a way that is more so about how she looks,
rather than like really listening to her body and noticing
like how to move her body, so it brings up
more just genuine pleasure and arousal for her.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Yeah, right, I see it with men show as opposed
to actually just feeling it.
Speaker 3 (35:29):
Out one hundred. I see it with men a lot
with prematory ejaculation, where they will be having sex, penetrated sex,
and they'll just go at the pace that they think
they should go at, and they think they can't slow
down because if they slow down, then that she's not
going to get us aroused. And maybe you know, they
just think that's that's not ideal. But in order for
(35:50):
them to be able to control their ejaculation and like
get more back in touch with their body, they need
to slow down. I see it all the time. It's
like the biggest thing.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
Yeah, So they just go bam, bam bam, and they
think that's thank you, ma'am. Yeah, I think that's the
way to go.
Speaker 3 (36:05):
Well, they think just they go, they think going quickly, yeah,
like like fast penetration. Like fast penetration is what the
girl wants, and that if you know, if if they're
going fast and she's really enjoying it, then they can't
slow down because she's going to be upset or like you.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Know, I feel like, yeah, I feel like what you're
saying is like so true. Like when you're in your
own head and you're like that inner voice is playing
kind of throughout the whole thing. It does kind of
almost ruin it. You almost need to be like I
need to feel this more as opposed to like, yeah, okay,
let's I'm going to go on tough, I'm going to
do this. I'm going to do that, like and just yeah,
(36:48):
be in the moment more.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
Yeah. One that I point out to people and they
a lot of people like this is often people like
to kiss a little bit at the start of sex
and then like take a little break and just like
Chad and like just you know, look at each other,
to touch each other a little bit, but not get
straight away heated into like a full experience. They might
(37:11):
like to kiss for a little bit, take a little
bit of a break, kiss again, take a little bit
of a break, and then like it slowly kind of
builds up from there. Yeah, yeah, it sounds good, right.
This is kind of an example of how people might
not listen to that voice. They might feel like they
want to pull back, but then they might be like, oh,
why do I want to pull back? Like I don't
want them to get the wrong idea that I want
(37:31):
to stop this completely, and so they don't just like
listen to what their body is telling them to do.
Then I'll keep kissing, which which might be good. It
might be good, but it wouldn't be as good as
if they followed the little breaks that their body was like, yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Yeah, this is reminding me of what was that sex
game that we told everyone in the podcast monogamy? Have
you head of Monogamy? No, it's a sex game. It's
really good and it like it kind of like you
have to go through it's almost like a board game.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
But for sex a car and it says what color
you have to you kind of have.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
To hold off each card, and there's like one it's
about like verbal intimacy, and then it kind of goes
into the it's like kiss for this.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
Physical Oh cool.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Yeah, I played with the dice as well before.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
Fun.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
I've actually got a sorry, I've got a activity on
my website which is fifty questions to building sexual intimacy.
I've also got one just for kind of general relationships stuff,
but the sexual intimacy one is good for couples asking
each other questions and like learning each other, learning about
each other's sexuality, and it gets more and more intense
(38:43):
over the.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
Five levels and also on your website you're telling us
before we came on, you have guided masturbation audios audios
which I found very interesting.
Speaker 3 (38:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
Yeah, so yeah, so talk us through it, guide us.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Right, Yes, they're free. One of my team members, she's
an amazing somatic sexologist. He name's Jesse Rennie. She did
she created them for me basically. Yeah, it just guides
you through how to touch your body in a way
that is like slow and centraal. So for particularly for
(39:19):
women who might struggle with arousal or they might struggle
with like numbness when they masturbate, it can be a
really great way to build sensation back up.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
Yeah, because it's a lot.
Speaker 3 (39:30):
More like elongated, slowed down. It's not like vibrator to
clitter us trying to get to orgasm in two minutes. Yeah,
more drawn out.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
It's like a really good alternative to pawn as well.
It sounds like.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
Yeah yeah really no, one hundred percent. It's a far
more like embodied intimate experience. Yeah, even if it's with yourself,
it's like quite intimate.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
Can we quickly talk about sex post babies? Yeah, because
I know we have a lot of listeners mums. I
feel like sex after having a baby declines with everyone
maybe maybe not just yeah, with like dropped libido, Like,
what is your recommendations? I guess how can people overcome this?
Speaker 3 (40:16):
Yeah, yeah, I think, I mean, there's so many reasons
why libido might drop. There's hormonal changes, there's shifts to
your relationship dynamic, your whole life looks, you know, probably different,
sleeping is probably a lot different. Identity can be a thing,
(40:36):
Like I do have a lot of women clients who
their identity kind of change after becoming a mother and
they don't really feel like as sexuals as they did before.
They feel more like, you know, they're trying to keep
a life, you know, and trying to support a life
rather than be this kind of hedonistic sexual person. So
(40:56):
I think, you know, maybe look at ident defying what
you think might be holding you back if if it is,
you know, about the shifts in your relationship. Yeah, I
think talking, communicating to your partner, trying to resolve those
things would be helpful. I think not making the goal
(41:17):
too hard to attain would be great, Like adjusting expectations,
even if you can just have like a little bit
of intimacy. So whether that's you know, just kissing in
bed naked. That can just be a nice way if
you don't feel like you've got capacity for like a
full sexual experience, then yeah, can you just have like
some nice soft moments with each other that can kind
(41:38):
of get you through?
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Yeah, I love that and build it back up. And
I think that's the thing that you, like I've realized
as well, Like it doesn't have to be full sex,
Like you can have really beautiful nice moments or like
fun cheeky moments here and there, or if there's like
a spare five minutes. I don't know, absolutely, you know,
it doesn't like necessarily have to be like this plan
(42:00):
event of we need an hour. Yeah, like obviously that
would be it would be nice to have an hour,
but we don't always have an hour anymore, So it
can be those like quick moments.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Spontaneous quickie is always hot as well.
Speaker 3 (42:12):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I would say the like those
little moments are so important to like a healthy sex life.
It's actually important to have them. Like the fact that
sex doesn't happen after them is not a bad thing.
Speaker 1 (42:27):
That's a good thing.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
Because how I like to kind of frame it is,
it's like it fills your cup up, you know, like
you have a little interaction. It's fun, you get a
bit turned on, and then it ends, and then that's
a little bit of water added to the cup, you know.
And then eventually, when you have enough of those, then
you might be able to hop into bed one night
and just a little bit of kissing and you're like
(42:49):
ready to go. Yeah, but if you haven't had sex
for like, you know, two weeks, and there's been no
flirty sexual interactions, and then you get into bed one
night and maybe that's the night there's time for sex,
you know, you don't really have much, so that's primed
you in those last two weeks. Yeah. Yeah, so you're
kind of starting from scratch, your cups empty.
Speaker 1 (43:10):
Yeah, that's actually really good advice, Like little bits and
pieces here and there. Yeah, a little kiss, little cheeky
something something.
Speaker 2 (43:18):
Yeah, keep them romance alive.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
Keep the romance alive. Laura, thank you so much. This
this episode has been super interesting, really helpful, and yeah,
just very interesting and it's an eye opening and it's
also just a good reminder with little things like you know,
spontaneous little moments here and there.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
I really enjoyed that and if someone's listening to this
and I think my sex life isn't what I want
it to be, or they just got some concerns, where
would they find you?
Speaker 3 (43:47):
So my practice has called Meanaclinical Sexology. I operate in Paran,
but also online so they can book in at Myanoclinical
Sexology dot com dot a you. I've also got Instagram
where I put up you content and I post my
resources there. So my Instagram's Laura Miano. If I call
(44:07):
it be jow me out too.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Love it. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast.
We really appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (44:13):
Thanks for having me guys,
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Where's Your Head At. Today,
we are joined by clinical sex therapist Laura.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hello, welcome to Where's your Head as?
Speaker 3 (00:12):
Thank you, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We are very excited to have you in the studio today.
We have lots and lots of questions. We want to
talk about porn. I'm going to talk a little bit
about sex after having a baby.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
I was going to ask you about sex and when's
the next time to start seeing people and get over
to get under.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Host marriage, like we've got it all kind of all
the questions that we want to ask you.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
So obviously you are a sexologist, is that correct?
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Yep? Sex ologist, sex therapist.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
How do you get into that? What what makes you?
Do you study for it? Or how do you get
qualified in that?
Speaker 3 (00:48):
Yeah? Yeah, so I said.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
It myself, a sexologists, but I haven't studied any.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Practical academic So I did my bachelor in psychological science.
Then I also did my masters, which I did through
Sydney UNI. It's a Master of Science in Medicine in
Sexual and Reproductive health, so it's technically like a master's
and sex therapy.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
So why would you choose that? I just sat curiosity,
like it's so niche. I guess there's not many people
doing that, Am I right? Or is it?
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Yes? You're right? Yeah, I always, I always really loved psychology.
I found it really interesting. I was a bit of
a like psychology nerd, science nerd in school, but I
also have a bit of like a fun part of
my personality. And as I kind of got further into psychology,
I just felt like I wanted to do something that
could also have like a fun element to it. And
(01:45):
I mean when I was kind of growing up, going
through adolescents, you know, like your body changes, you develop
as a sexual person, and for me, I was always
very upfront and I would talk to my friends about
those things and it was always a super comfortable talking
about it, and I for me, it was a really
positive experience. And I think the yeah, the more I
(02:06):
kind of got into it, I really loved, especially with
my friends, like being able to talk openly about sexuality
and kind of advocate for my friends and advocate for
women's sexuality, which back, you know, when I was probably sixteen,
was not really much of a thing. It was, you know,
(02:26):
very much in its infancy, like the sexual wellness movement,
and whatnot.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
It's such an incredible job, and I can imagine that
every day is going to look very different for you
if someone is coming into your clinic. What are some
of the concerns that you're seeing.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
The main concerns I see would be low desire in women,
premature ejaculation, and a rector dysfunction in men. It's a
really big one, which is also kind of linked to porn,
a compulsive porn news, porn addiction. Another one would be
sexual pain in women, So conditions like vaginismus involved in
ya where it becomes quite hard to have penetrative sex,
(03:06):
and it's very much linked to arousal, feeling comfortable and
penetration not being associated with pain and fear, but being
associated with pleasure.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Yeah. Mismatched desires also another big one as well.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Sound like libidos are on two different Yeah? Yeah, is
there what would be like, I know you can't fix
it in this question, but what's some stuff you can
do to resolve that sort of stuff like libidos?
Speaker 3 (03:31):
Yeah? Well, what I would often kind of investigate is
does the couple have any unresolved conflict in their broader relationship?
Is there a reason why they the partner that has
the lower desire has that are they not connecting, is
there not enough time to connect in other ways, or
(03:51):
are there just issues that haven't been resolved.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
So you obviously lean into the therapy side thing as well.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Then definitely yeah, yeah, so that's like the general relationships STUF.
But then I'll ask about their how much eroticism is
in their relationship. Often those kinds of relationships have become
I call it like zero to one hundred. So there's
like either very limited sexual flirty interactions or there's a
(04:17):
full blown sexual experience and it's the whole thing, and
it just puts a lot of pressure on, you know,
especially the one that has less desire. They might just
want to kiss and cuddle or sleep naked or have
like a bit of a makeout session because that's what's
what they feel like they have capacity for that day.
But then they wouldn't do anything because there's this expectation
(04:38):
that if they do that, then a full sexual experience
needs to occur. And often the high desire partner doesn't
expect that, like they wouldn't They would like just a
little bit of intimacy, but because they both haven't spoken
about it. There's this assumption, but a little bit of
intimacy means everything. So it just makes it so much
harder to approach.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
And communication and I feel like, yeah, it just without
the communication there, it completely erodes sexual intimacy sex drive.
So you would see that a lot.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Absolutely, Yeah, communication is one of the biggest things because
really two people, you know, a couple could have sex
once a year or have sex, you know, three times
in a week, and as long as they're on the
same page, as long as they're both happy, they're talking
about it, they both understand it, each other is feeling
(05:33):
good about it, then that makes a world of difference.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Amount to have sex in us honestly so different.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
It's quite interesting in my therapy sessions because people will
come in and be like, our sex life is so bad.
It's really bad, Like we're just really not having sex.
And then I'll ask how often and they'll say they're
doing it, like, you know, three times a week rather
than five. And then I'll have the exact a different
couple say the exact same thing, but it's once every
(06:04):
six months.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
And going off, how much you have sex doesn't really matter,
It doesn't really make you a healthy relationship or a
good relationship. Like one of some of my worst relationships,
we had the most sex that I've had, you know
what I mean. Yeah, it's just I don't think it correlizes.
It doesn't align sometimes, you know what I mean. So
that's a misunderstanding from people as well.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Yeah, and it's also about quality, not quantity, because people
can have lots of sex, but it's maybe you know,
a bit routine. It doesn't feel like connected resent and
they're like being creative and trying new things. It's just
like the same old sex four times a week to
just maybe get off, get it done, and then that's it.
(06:45):
And yeah, what a lot of couples will come to
me like wanting to work on is to actually increase
the quality.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
So how do we have more quality sex?
Speaker 3 (06:57):
I would say, again, it starts in a broader relationship.
I think your broader sex will reflect your broader relationship.
So if you and your partner, which you know, it's normal,
life gets in the way. But what I often see
is like if two people live together and their relationship
is about getting jobs done, being a team, they've got
(07:17):
like a nice flow of things going, which is good,
but it just lacks a bit of romance, a bit
of passion, then sex will. They're the couples where I
would see sex becoming routine because yeah, like there's not
that I would say. The romance is such a big one,
like having date nights, expressing love for each other, just
(07:38):
having pleasurable moments in your broader relationship sexually, but just
having fun together.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Yeah. We always say like going to going to a
hotel with your partner or with an intimate partner, whoever
it is, is just different gravy, It just it's different.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Yeah, absolutely fine. I always ask my clients when is
the that's the best sexual experience you've had with your partner,
and it's always away in a hotel. Yeah, there's just
something about it, Yeah, sexy.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Yeah, there is. Do you have do you talk more
into like like I'm going to say role playing, but
like all that sort of stuff as well? Do you
find clients that do that sort of stuff or is
that too? Is that if they come to you, they're
a bit far off getting to that level.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Yeah, I mean role players, I guess a very specific
desire that hasn't come up so much, to be honest,
but yeah, I think it's more just getting people to
a place where they feel comfortable expressing their desires with
each other. That's kind of what sex therapy is.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
That was gonna be my next question. Yeah, someone is
ashamed or not shamed or embarrassed of a kink, is
there any recommendations that they can go about bringing it
up to their partner or their person they're sleeping with.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
Yeah. Absolutely, Yeah, So sometimes people might view a kink
that is, you know, it's it is healthy for them,
it's it's pleasurable and it's a positive experience, but because
of shame, they might think that it's a bad it's bad,
you know, because maybe after they do the kink, they
might experience like, you know, a lot of shame coming
over them and embarrassment, and so in therapy, I'll always
(09:12):
kind of point that out to them. If this kink
is something that's pleasurable and part of like, you know,
a healthy sex life, then we'll remove the shame and
then work on how they can communicate it to their partners.
But you know, if it's something that is a little
bit out there and maybe their relationship has not gone
(09:33):
to that kind of place, I would say, you know,
find a time that feels appropriate where there's privacy, where
there's time to talk and you could say, hey, I'd
love to share you know this interest that I have.
You know, I've been desiring X. Is that something you'd
be open to? And the main thing is don't shame
each other in that conversation, like, oh, I didn't think
(09:53):
you were going to say no to that, Like, don't
be apprude, or oh I didn't know you were into that.
I didn't know you were that kind of person. What
kind of things?
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Why does it have energy around it? Kinks that they're
like negative, Like why and it's shameful?
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Is because they're like, by definition, a kink is something
that's unconventional. So it's something that's just different to what
you would typically see. And so like in certain cultures,
some desires are more normalized, and in those cultures you
wouldn't call them kinks, but in other cultures you would
call them kinks.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, what's some kinks that you see often that maybe
people would be a bit more shocked that are quite normal?
Speaker 3 (10:35):
I would say, I mean being dominated, that's a pretty
common one. Yeah, Like, especially in like heterosexual man, I
do come across that affair bound.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Yeah, I once had a DM and it was like
this person. I don't know if it was real or
not because I get like crazy dms. But someone was like, oh,
I'll pay you ten thousand dollars to kick me in
the balls, and I was like, fuck, you should love
that ten grand That was obviously like a fetish. Yeah,
(11:07):
wouldn't that be painful? Like I don't know, like for
me that is like not to shame, but just I
don't know, No, I'm just by what would turn someone
on with that. I've heard my whole life of being
kicked in the balls as extremely painful. Watch the balls
crown jewels, like we hear all the time. But then, yeah,
(11:30):
can you maybe explain that?
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Well, oftentimes desires are there to meet emotional needs. So
you know, for example, if you feel a little bit lonely,
you might desire like more emotional loving sex. So in
the same way that someone might desire to be dominated
during sex if maybe in the rest of their life
(11:53):
they are often in control, which is a really common
like you know, you have a high power job, you're
in control of a team, all that kind of stuff,
and then during sex, the way that you you're those
kind of the way that you resolve that because maybe
it is a little bit overwhelming, is in this sexual
space you then become completely submissive and it can just
(12:16):
help people to like balance out. Yeah, quite interesting.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
That is very interesting.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Christian Gray wasn't like that.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
I was just.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Dominant.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
What's your thoughts on the movie Fifty Shades of Gray?
Speaker 3 (12:29):
To be honest, I haven't watched it too much. I
love erotic, like psychological erotic films, but I felt like
fifty shas gay. It was just a bit like, I
don't know, it wasn't as well put together. That's some
of the other ones, like Eyes Wide.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Shirt literally, Yeah, that's watch that.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
It's really good. Christmas Through Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Festive felt to watch this season.
Speaker 3 (13:00):
Yeah, it's so good on that one.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
It's about like the Illuminati, is it or something? I
don't want to spoil.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
K It's it's just like an underground world that kind
of go They have these like up markets, kink parties,
I guess. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
You spoke about how porn can be a concern that
people come to you with. What are your thoughts on porn? Firstly?
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Yeah, so, I mean I see a lot of the
more harmful impacts of porn because of the work that
I do, especially with men, I see how it affects
prematory ejaculation. It can lead to that, and it can
lead to like it can lead to low desire in
some cases. But also a rectotis function because when someone
(13:44):
is watching porn, the very unique environment. You know that
there's like there's this super stimulus that they're watching. They're
often very glued to what they're watching and not very
aware of their own bodies. Often they'll masturbate with quite
a strong grip as well, so and their brain has
been flooded, you know, with this stimulus. So then you
go into a partnered setting. Unfortunately, like partnered sex typically
(14:09):
especially in long term relationships, can't really match that level
of flooding. And because of the strong grip, same thing,
penetrative sex doesn't often feel the same as a strong
grip would when masturbating with porn. Other things like even
just you know, if someone is conditioning their response sexual
(14:31):
response to pawn, it means all the little like pornified
moments in porn is what they look for to get aroused.
So then you go to a partner experience the same
thing like you might be looking you might be like
taking on a more like pornified approach to sex. And
often porn is a very like unique world. It doesn't
people don't really naturally find that arousing unless they also
(14:53):
watch porn as well. So that's a way that it
can kind of impact partner sex. Also with like expectations
like how to stimulate a woman, how long it takes
a woman to orgasm, that's a common one, even with
like body image with men I see, like you know,
(15:13):
in porn, men usually have like quite big penises and
they've they last a really long time and they're erect
the entire time, So that can set up kind of
unrealistic expectations, especially when people are watching a lot of porn.
And this is when it's kind of getting in the
more like problematic realm. It's like addictive, and maybe they're
a little bit isolated as well. Like loneliness and porn
(15:36):
can really overlap quite a bit. But even like viewing
the world in a pornified way, So for example, like
if you're walking, you might see someone and you think
they're cute, and then your mind just takes it to
this like pornified place. That's for people who would be
watching it at really.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
High levels, right, so that's unhealthy.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Yeah, i'd probably say like if it's like daily daily for.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Yeah, I mean I don't I don't watch. I know,
I don't watch. I've spoken to and about this. I
don't watch porn that much anymore, if not at all,
Like I sort of I've had partners in the pastity
and like me watching it so sort of train yourself,
not trained, but I sort of like got off it
watching it the wrong word, get off it, but like
I just didn't. I just didn't. They're not the right
(16:24):
way to talk about. But I stop watching it as much,
so I don't really go on it that much and
I feel like I'm a lot healthier in that way. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
Yeah, a lot of guys I speak to you have
decided to stop watching it completely or reduce it right down.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Yeah, I've reduced it right Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Yeah, yeah, I think as well if you're single, you
know if sometimes if you're watching a lot of porn,
it can kind of reduce your desire to like get
out there, but hunger, yeah goes away because you're just
like placated by the porn.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Yeah, what do you think is a healthy amount to
watch it? Then? Like would you say once a week
would be okay or none at all?
Speaker 3 (16:58):
I would say, people, it's ideal to have a relationship
with porn and masturbation.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Don't go cold turkey.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Yeah a lot of people. Yeah, some people choose to
go cold turkey because they just can't control themselves. And
I think, I mean, whatever people want to do, if
it works for them, that's okay, but just have variability.
So like, if you want to masturbate to porn every
now and again, that's fine, but then bring in fantasy,
bring other things in, because when you're just relying on porn,
that's when you start to really condition your sexual response
(17:29):
to just that. Yeah, that's when the problems can kind
of come up.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
What about watching it with a partner so you watch
it together, is that more of a healthier way as
opposed to watching it by yourself or it doesn't really matter?
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Would you say again, I mean, if people are happy
doing that and that's what they do and there's no issues,
then that's fine. But if they were watching porn with
their partner every time, then again they would start conditioning
them and that both of them and their partner would
start needing porn in order to have a sexual experience. Yeah,
just about bringing very ability.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
In sex is so talked about in this day and age,
and it's so positive, I feel like, especially for women,
and you know, feeling empowered to talk about it. Now
we have entered kind of the age of Bonnie Blue
or Addie Knight, who I guess you could say, ah talk,
(18:22):
I don't know, like talking about it to a different extreme.
What are your thoughts on that.
Speaker 3 (18:29):
Yeah, it's like going into like hyper sexuality mortification. Yeah,
it's a hard one. When I when I studied, I didn't.
I wrote an essay actually on self qualification and whether
it benefits the person or not. And so for self
modification is when you are kind of hyper sexualizing yourself
(18:53):
often because people feel like it makes them feel sexually empowered.
And I mean what I kind of conclud in that
essay was that if someone feels sexually empowered to do that,
then you can't kind of take that experience away from them,
regardless of how other people see it. But I don't know,
(19:13):
I think now I'm kind of changing my tune with
that a little bit, because if someone wants to do that,
but they also maybe a bit out of touch with
why they're doing that, like maybe they're self sexualizing or
overly sexualizing because deep down they just want connection. They
want someone to you know, like them or get closer
(19:34):
to someone. I would kind of question, do you think
you need to do that, or you know, can you
be more vulnerable and show this person, you know, your
more vulnerable feelings rather than maybe using sex as a
way to get someone bring someone closer.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, and yeah, I feel like it's so hard with
Bonny Blue because she just rage baits everyone through sex. Yeah,
and I just wonder about the impact of young people
seeing that.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
I know, it's a really tricky one. I watched her
documentary recently.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
We did as well. Yeah, that's interesting.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
It was interesting.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Yeah, she just seems like a sad person me behind
it all.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
I don't know. When I was kind of watching her
doing the interviews, I felt like she was, like, you know,
it didn't seem like there were any kind of signs
of trauma, at least from those experiences. It seemed like
she was kind of having fun.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
But then she went offline. Remember how I thought during
the documentary, like she did the thousand guys and then
she went mia from the cameras and I was like,
surely she's because I feel like she shows people what
she wants them to see.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Also, I've spoken about this before as well sex, and
I believe this as well as an exchange of energy
between two people, and you're exchanging your energy with a
thousand blokes that do not care about you, are.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
Just there to like yes, one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
And it would that would just cripple you surely like
not feel like emotionally like yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Yeah, because I think I mean, when like when people
talk about like energy exchange with sex, I kind of
I totally understand what you're talking about. I kind of
like use a similar but different framework on just framing
it as intimacy and how with intimacy there's emotional intimacy,
physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, intellectually intimacy. And so when you
(21:35):
kind of go into like a sexually and physically intimate
place with someone, if you haven't also gone into an
emotional and intellectual intimate place with them, it can feel
a bit out of balance. It feels like things aren't
in harmony. And that's where I can maybe feel like
draining because you've opened up this one extreme with the
others also not being explored and go back to Bonnie Blue.
(21:58):
I feel like maybe hermotional capacity is less less than
the average person. Yeah, because I feel like for her
to seem unless it was just for the cameras, but
for her to seem somewhat unphased by it, I feel
like she just must not have I don't know that
that same emotional capacity that maybe other people would.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
We have had this debate a couple of times on
the podcast Anna, I disagree with that her on this one.
She believes in to get over someone, who've got to
get under? Are I don't believe that. I feel like
you're just filling a hole.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
I'm like, and then, fine.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Yeah, what's your opinion on that?
Speaker 3 (22:42):
So to get over someone, you need to get under someone? Well,
I think I think there needs to be a few
different processes that happen. I think you need to feel
the pain, you know, you need to grieve what's what
you're getting over, who you're getting over. I think having
said with another person simply to block out the pain
(23:04):
and not process the pain and just feel better about
yourself by validating that you can get people sexually is
probably not gonna It's not the most holistic way of
processing a breakup.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
I mean, though it has like I do see what
Anna saying and that then and what you just said.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Is I agree with what you said, though I think
you do need to get over it, like emotionally.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
And then once you really and then once you realize, hey,
hang on, hang on, I'm gonna be okay. I think that. Yeah,
I do think that. I think I'm all talking about
like when you're absolutely depressed and like you shouldet heal
first before you go do that because it's not fair
on anyone, your self for them. Yeah, so I believe that.
But then once you're healed emotionally and you go out,
(23:49):
I do believe you're like, oh, hang on, I'll be right.
Then you can Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be right.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
But I think it doesn't need to be one extreme
or the other. You know, like you can be healing
and feeling it and then still go out on a
weekend and if it feels right. I would say, look
at think about the motivation behind why you're sleeping with
that person. Is it because you're like attracted you won't
have fun, or because you're trying to feel fill the
loneliness voids.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
What's your opinion on one might stance.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
I think, I mean, I don't from the outset love
hook up culture. I think yeah, I think, you know,
even go back to the idea of like energy exchange.
I feel like the sexual wellness sexual empowerment sorry movement
did a lot of really good things. But I think
one thing is that young people now might think that
(24:39):
it's okay to just have sex, you know, with with
people that haven't really earned that trust, that closeness, that bond,
that connection with Yeah, and I think a lot of
people can have casual experiences and then feel empty after
and not all like there can be some casual experiences
and I you know, in the people I talked to
(25:00):
this often comes up where it was a really memorable one.
But I would say, if you are going to have
a one night stand or have a casual sexual experience,
try to have some of that connection, like the emotional,
the intellectual connection which you can have with someone quickly. Yeah,
but have that. Don't have nothing and it's just purely
(25:21):
physical sexual.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Because I think, I mean, it's pretty hard to find
that though with someone if you're just chatting to them
at a bar.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
That's why I think most of those casual experiences would
not be fulfilling.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, but I mean it's pretty lonely when you're in
the bed by yourself after the next Dame Eddy and
everyone's picked up and left and you're just lying there.
It's pretty lonely experience.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Yeah, Like after a casual experience, you mean, yeah, yeah,
have you heard of the like post that clarity?
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Let's talk about post that clarity.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
So what I think post that clarity is is that
you know there's this sexual desire, you're getting excited, but
you know, maybe there hasn't been that emotional intellectual exploration
also established, And so then you finally have sex, and
then when you orgasm, your kind of prefrontal cortex comes
(26:15):
back online. You're more like human thinking side, and you realize, whoa,
I've just gone to physically in sexually intimate place with
this person. I don't really know them. I don't really
I'm not emotionally connected to them. And then you get
like a disgust response because your body is like, what
I just doing? Get me away from that? What do
(26:35):
you think?
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Yeah? I thinkol, well, why am I wearing this outfit
while are we here? What's going on, I want to
go home. I've never been there.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
I always think that sex with a partner is better
than just a hook up, and I think for that
reason it's because you have that emotional intimacy. But it
just feels better yep, because of all of that, I guess.
Speaker 3 (27:05):
Absolutely, And I think, you know, we often think of
sex as how you stimulate the other person, but it's
so much more than that. It's about like that emotional connection,
the emotional connection you have with someone, and the intimacy
and like the vulnerability that you can explore with someone
that's such a turn on. And when it's just about
(27:27):
like the way that you're touching their body, which is important,
but that's one slither. Yeah, and having all the other elements,
like the emotional part, that's.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
What that's where the real is.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
So we were talking before about I don't know how
to word this, like women and orgasms, and isn't it
like a full thing that like the sex cultures, like
women don't orgasm as much as guys. Yes, ye, women orgasm.
Just I'm sorry, that's obviously all going in there, like.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
That's that's why there's an orgasm gap.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
Yeah, Well, that's what we need to talk about, the
orgasm gap. Why is there such an orgasm gap? Why
are men predominantly like the statistics shows on like worse
lovers of like selfish?
Speaker 3 (28:32):
Yes, well, I I feel like a lot of people
do struggle, struggle to communicate during sex, and women often
feel like they don't want to, you know, put be
too difficult, be too much, and ask for what they need,
because women need It's it's more complex for women to
(28:53):
orgasm than it is for men. It's a bit more straightforward. Again,
it really requires that like emotional connection a lot of
the time, it requires slower experience, more sensuality, and because
a lot of people struggle to communicate, both men and women.
But then also women feel afraid to assert those needs.
Women often don't have all of their sexual needs met
(29:14):
during sex, and then they could struggle to orgasm or
they could maybe fake it.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
And then from a male's point of view as well,
I feel like growing up watching porn, it's more aim
towards the guy as well. So yeah, then to go
have sex, it's more focused on the guy finishing, Yeah,
not so much the girl.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Yeah. Absolutely, And then if they do show a woman orgasming.
It's like squirt touch, Sure, you touch in five seconds
and then just squirting. Yeah, it's so unalistic. Yeah, yeah,
so I think there needs to be more. I think
it would help so much if men could say I
want to pleasure you, I want to get you to climax,
(29:56):
Like what can I do and ask them straight up?
Because yes, and you can get that communication happening often
she'll be able to tell you.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
I also read an article recently that talked about how
women need to feel really safe to be able to
even go to that place and safety for women and
feeling safe and nurtured and you know, looked after. Yeah,
is the key to like a great sex life.
Speaker 3 (30:22):
Yeah. Yeah, Well I would say almost ninety five percent
of the times when I asked my clients what was
your favorite sexual experience, it's the reason why the sex
was so good was because the connection started before sex. Yeah,
you know, it was like a nice dinner, long conversation,
some emotional thing happened, or they had a really nice conversation,
(30:44):
but they were really bonded before and then they took
that into sex.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
I believe in having sex before dinner though, before dinner. Yeah,
if you're going, well, if you do your partner, you
come home, what's the last thing you're want to do
after big dinner?
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Yeah, but we're not talking about a partner, are we
Are we talking about like, do you.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Know what I mean? The last thing you when you
come home from a date, Perhaps you want to just relax.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
First day, I think before the first day.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Last who has come home?
Speaker 1 (31:15):
And if someone's dating, then do you think that holding
off having sex is this question question?
Speaker 3 (31:25):
Yeah? Okay, so I think that firstly, you know, in
developing the emotional intellectual intimacy, I think it can be
a nice process to hold off on sex and get
to know someone a little bit more in other ways. First,
you're showing that other person that you know, this is
(31:46):
what you're interested in. If you're genuinely interested in finding
a relationship, you know, by exploring the other things besides sex,
you're you're seeing if they're genuine genuinely is a connection.
Sometimes I feel like people can fall into the like
situationship kind of thing because deep down they want to
be chosen by that person, but they just end up
(32:07):
having sex because it's the way they can get closer
to them.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
But we live in a society now where, for instance,
say what you're saying that you're nine times out of
ten before even go on a first date with someone,
you're talking to them pretty continuously on different platforms like
texting all day, sending means on Instagram, You're doing all
that sort of stuff. So by the time you actually
meet them, sometimes does feel like you already know them?
Do you know what I mean? So, like I get
(32:32):
what you're saying, I don't. Well, yeah, there's that argument
you don't really know them, but they're just pretending to
be someone, But I don't know. Like I feel like
once you get to when I get to actually see someone,
you're like, oh, I sort of already know you, do
you know what I mean? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (32:45):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
And then I've had girls in the past set like
surprisingly did want to say together on the first day,
and I asked, like that's unusual, and they said, well,
why waste my time if you're a dud route like
continuing this.
Speaker 3 (32:55):
Some yeah, some people feel that like they want to
explore the sexual dynamic that another person have. It doesn't work,
then yeah, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
Kind of I've just wasted three days of my life three.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Dates or I don't agree with that.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Yeah, I don't know, I disagree or disagree to me.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
I've always done a five date rule, you know, Yeah,
I would always do like a five date rules.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
How do you do five dates? To the guy? And
he was an absolute dark I.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
Don't know if I believe in a dud root, Like.
Speaker 3 (33:22):
I agree, sex isza it's about a connection.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
What does that even mean?
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Like there's no connection that you're just you're just a ship.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
But I think you can feel a connection with someone
like in a room, or you can feel like an
energy between people and then that will translate into the bedroom.
I've never felt like a connection between someone that didn't
translate into the bedroom.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
Yeah, I just feel like that's where it. Maybe it
comes down to, like the physical stimulation, Like maybe there
can be some work done there. But if you have
a connection with someone, you like look into their eyes,
you like touch their hair, you get close to them.
All those things are what makes sex so good.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
What's something in the bedroom that most people are doing wrong?
Speaker 3 (34:08):
Ooh, something in the bedroom that people are doing wrong? Okay,
people are following that. They're thinking their way through sex.
So because you know, we're not taught about pleasure in school,
we're not taught. That's what you do to have, like
to guide you through sex. You learn about sex through
like movies and through porn and maybe through people talking
(34:30):
about it, so you have all of these ideas of
what sex should look like. So for example, you might
start a sexual experience, be kissing with someone. It's now
ten minutes into the kissing. You might just you know,
you might be loving it, absolutely loving it, but little
voice in your head says to go to the next
thing now, because that's like, you know, now the kissing
(34:52):
is going for too long, they're gonna get bored. So
then you move to the next thing and you maybe
ignore what your body is just simply enjoying. This plays
out so much during sex. Another example, like you know,
a girl might go on top. She might be moving
her body in a way that she thinks he likes.
You know, she might be just simply doing it in
(35:13):
a way that is more so about how she looks,
rather than like really listening to her body and noticing
like how to move her body, so it brings up
more just genuine pleasure and arousal for her.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Yeah, right, I see it with men show as opposed
to actually just feeling it.
Speaker 3 (35:29):
Out one hundred. I see it with men a lot
with prematory ejaculation, where they will be having sex, penetrated sex,
and they'll just go at the pace that they think
they should go at, and they think they can't slow
down because if they slow down, then that she's not
going to get us aroused. And maybe you know, they
just think that's that's not ideal. But in order for
(35:50):
them to be able to control their ejaculation and like
get more back in touch with their body, they need
to slow down. I see it all the time. It's
like the biggest thing.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
Yeah, So they just go bam, bam bam, and they
think that's thank you, ma'am. Yeah, I think that's the
way to go.
Speaker 3 (36:05):
Well, they think just they go, they think going quickly, yeah,
like like fast penetration. Like fast penetration is what the
girl wants, and that if you know, if if they're
going fast and she's really enjoying it, then they can't
slow down because she's going to be upset or like you.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Know, I feel like, yeah, I feel like what you're
saying is like so true. Like when you're in your
own head and you're like that inner voice is playing
kind of throughout the whole thing. It does kind of
almost ruin it. You almost need to be like I
need to feel this more as opposed to like, yeah, okay,
let's I'm going to go on tough, I'm going to
do this. I'm going to do that, like and just yeah,
(36:48):
be in the moment more.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
Yeah. One that I point out to people and they
a lot of people like this is often people like
to kiss a little bit at the start of sex
and then like take a little break and just like
Chad and like just you know, look at each other,
to touch each other a little bit, but not get
straight away heated into like a full experience. They might
(37:11):
like to kiss for a little bit, take a little
bit of a break, kiss again, take a little bit
of a break, and then like it slowly kind of
builds up from there. Yeah, yeah, it sounds good, right.
This is kind of an example of how people might
not listen to that voice. They might feel like they
want to pull back, but then they might be like, oh,
why do I want to pull back? Like I don't
want them to get the wrong idea that I want
(37:31):
to stop this completely, and so they don't just like
listen to what their body is telling them to do.
Then I'll keep kissing, which which might be good. It
might be good, but it wouldn't be as good as
if they followed the little breaks that their body was like, yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Yeah, this is reminding me of what was that sex
game that we told everyone in the podcast monogamy? Have
you head of Monogamy? No, it's a sex game. It's
really good and it like it kind of like you
have to go through it's almost like a board game.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
But for sex a car and it says what color
you have to you kind of have.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
To hold off each card, and there's like one it's
about like verbal intimacy, and then it kind of goes
into the it's like kiss for this.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
Physical Oh cool.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Yeah, I played with the dice as well before.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
Fun.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
I've actually got a sorry, I've got a activity on
my website which is fifty questions to building sexual intimacy.
I've also got one just for kind of general relationships stuff,
but the sexual intimacy one is good for couples asking
each other questions and like learning each other, learning about
each other's sexuality, and it gets more and more intense
(38:43):
over the.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
Five levels and also on your website you're telling us
before we came on, you have guided masturbation audios audios
which I found very interesting.
Speaker 3 (38:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
Yeah, so yeah, so talk us through it, guide us.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Right, Yes, they're free. One of my team members, she's
an amazing somatic sexologist. He name's Jesse Rennie. She did
she created them for me basically. Yeah, it just guides
you through how to touch your body in a way
that is like slow and centraal. So for particularly for
(39:19):
women who might struggle with arousal or they might struggle
with like numbness when they masturbate, it can be a
really great way to build sensation back up.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
Yeah, because it's a lot.
Speaker 3 (39:30):
More like elongated, slowed down. It's not like vibrator to
clitter us trying to get to orgasm in two minutes. Yeah,
more drawn out.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
It's like a really good alternative to pawn as well.
It sounds like.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
Yeah yeah really no, one hundred percent. It's a far
more like embodied intimate experience. Yeah, even if it's with yourself,
it's like quite intimate.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
Can we quickly talk about sex post babies? Yeah, because
I know we have a lot of listeners mums. I
feel like sex after having a baby declines with everyone
maybe maybe not just yeah, with like dropped libido, Like,
what is your recommendations? I guess how can people overcome this?
Speaker 3 (40:16):
Yeah, yeah, I think, I mean, there's so many reasons
why libido might drop. There's hormonal changes, there's shifts to
your relationship dynamic, your whole life looks, you know, probably different,
sleeping is probably a lot different. Identity can be a thing,
(40:36):
Like I do have a lot of women clients who
their identity kind of change after becoming a mother and
they don't really feel like as sexuals as they did before.
They feel more like, you know, they're trying to keep
a life, you know, and trying to support a life
rather than be this kind of hedonistic sexual person. So
(40:56):
I think, you know, maybe look at ident defying what
you think might be holding you back if if it is,
you know, about the shifts in your relationship. Yeah, I
think talking, communicating to your partner, trying to resolve those
things would be helpful. I think not making the goal
(41:17):
too hard to attain would be great, Like adjusting expectations,
even if you can just have like a little bit
of intimacy. So whether that's you know, just kissing in
bed naked. That can just be a nice way if
you don't feel like you've got capacity for like a
full sexual experience, then yeah, can you just have like
some nice soft moments with each other that can kind
(41:38):
of get you through?
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Yeah, I love that and build it back up. And
I think that's the thing that you, like I've realized
as well, Like it doesn't have to be full sex,
Like you can have really beautiful nice moments or like
fun cheeky moments here and there, or if there's like
a spare five minutes. I don't know, absolutely, you know,
it doesn't like necessarily have to be like this plan
(42:00):
event of we need an hour. Yeah, like obviously that
would be it would be nice to have an hour,
but we don't always have an hour anymore, So it
can be those like quick moments.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Spontaneous quickie is always hot as well.
Speaker 3 (42:12):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I would say the like those
little moments are so important to like a healthy sex life.
It's actually important to have them. Like the fact that
sex doesn't happen after them is not a bad thing.
Speaker 1 (42:27):
That's a good thing.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
Because how I like to kind of frame it is,
it's like it fills your cup up, you know, like
you have a little interaction. It's fun, you get a
bit turned on, and then it ends, and then that's
a little bit of water added to the cup, you know.
And then eventually, when you have enough of those, then
you might be able to hop into bed one night
and just a little bit of kissing and you're like
(42:49):
ready to go. Yeah, but if you haven't had sex
for like, you know, two weeks, and there's been no
flirty sexual interactions, and then you get into bed one
night and maybe that's the night there's time for sex,
you know, you don't really have much, so that's primed
you in those last two weeks. Yeah. Yeah, so you're
kind of starting from scratch, your cups empty.
Speaker 1 (43:10):
Yeah, that's actually really good advice, Like little bits and
pieces here and there. Yeah, a little kiss, little cheeky
something something.
Speaker 2 (43:18):
Yeah, keep them romance alive.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
Keep the romance alive. Laura, thank you so much. This
this episode has been super interesting, really helpful, and yeah,
just very interesting and it's an eye opening and it's
also just a good reminder with little things like you know,
spontaneous little moments here and there.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
I really enjoyed that and if someone's listening to this
and I think my sex life isn't what I want
it to be, or they just got some concerns, where
would they find you?
Speaker 3 (43:47):
So my practice has called Meanaclinical Sexology. I operate in Paran,
but also online so they can book in at Myanoclinical
Sexology dot com dot a you. I've also got Instagram
where I put up you content and I post my
resources there. So my Instagram's Laura Miano. If I call
(44:07):
it be jow me out too.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Love it. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast.
We really appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (44:13):
Thanks for having me guys,
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