April 29, 2025 • 30 mins
Welcome back to another episode of Where's Your Head At! This week we're welcoming dating coach Mimi Watt back into the studio to answer your burning questions & dilemmas about your relationships and love in general. Anna is also recapping her Mothers Blessing & birthday - enjoy x
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Sometimes you just you can't help your feelings. Mat Like,
if you're not into someone, then I feel like the
ink just comes up and it's.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Like I see past it.
Speaker 3 (00:11):
You're better than all of us.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Where's Your Head At? Is a podcast that talks full things.
Hold on a sec, let's give this a refresh. Hi.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
I'm Anna and I'm Matt, and we are now too
newlywed not to each other. Just a female and male
best friend here for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Times and exploring adulthood, family relationships, dilemmas.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
And whatever else we have the mental capacity to deal with.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Come get the lowdown.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
This is your male and female perspective.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
So, Matt, where's your head At?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Good morning, Anna? Where's your head Ash?
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Hello? It was really good. I'm officially thirty three years old.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
I had my birthday, Yeah, so I think thirty three.
Happy birthday eighty three.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
We ended up going to the Conservatory Crown. They have
an incredible buffet spread. I was like, I can't drink,
I can't really do activities now because I'm heavily pregnant
at thirty five weeks at. All I want to do
is eat.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
And that's what we did it was fun.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
You couldn't even eat the seafood though, which I.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Couldn't eat the seafood, which I didn't think of ahead
of time. But I had like four plates of food,
so that was good.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Four full plates of food.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
How maning plates did you have?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
I have probably like four or five? Yeah, four, But
I wasn't filling them though.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I was like yeah, I was kind of yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
They're not really like that. You could load them up,
but you don't want to walk across the restaurant with
a loaded up plate a mountain mountain of food. I'm
getting my money's worse now. So I went back a
couple of times. Actually, what is more embarrassing filling up
a plate or going back multiple times and someone.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Notice it's a buffet, you know what I mean? Like
people were going to eat. You're going there to have
a good feast, right, And like this baby is like
modoring two weeks ahead of schedule.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I wouldn't for you being pregnant, like carrying a big
plate like she's eating for two.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
But I did post a TikTok about my birthday. Cake
came to the table and I had a full plate
of food, and I was like, yeah, yeah, and it's
literally got It's gone pretty.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Viral, has it really? If you haven't seen it, Guys
going on as TikTok follow up make fun of her.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
But yeah, the baby's measuring two weeks ahead of schedule,
So so does that.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Mean you're two weeks can you could be giving birth
in two weeks?
Speaker 1 (02:43):
I could give birth any time, Like I could give
birth in this studio right here, right now. Imagine imagine
if I was like, I don't even know how, Like
I've never had my waters break before because I've never
been pregnant. But like, imagine if I was like, I
think my water just broke.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
So you're how far off are you?
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Then? I'm thirty five weeks and full term is forty
but the baby is currently breach, which means I think
you need to be head down. The baby needs to
be head down, so he's like not in position at all.
Pasty is measuring big, so I could go early.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Well this is exciting, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:22):
This is exciting.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
And then we're gonna have a break this podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Well, you guys won't have a break. We'll be recording.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah, we're doing some cool, hot not cool. We're doing
some hot such a millennial. Why I said that, we're
doing some fun oh fun, so much.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
So much better. We're doing some exciting hop line hop
line yet, so please send in your voicemails. We want
to hear from you guys.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Yeah, send them in. We're doing some little mini episodes
for whilst I'm on maternity leave, which is going to
be fun. How's your week?
Speaker 2 (04:01):
It's been good. My wife had her birthday, so we
went out for a nice birthday dinner, treated her, had
a great night. Lovely, very lovely. She looks stunning just
being in the office doing heaps of work. But I
did have a NFL draft, so you're familiar with the NFL,
American Football National Football because of you, Matt only love it.
(04:23):
It's taken off in Australia at the moment they because
doing a game should I say it the MCG I
did hear about that, so yeah, that's very exciting. That
twenty twenty six, so it won't be this season at
the next season, so October next year, so that's very exciting.
So they're really ramping it up here in Australia trying
to get it out there. So they did like a
(04:45):
mock draft and I was one of the people when
I got drafted to my New Orleans Saints.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
So you're happy.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Couldn't be happier, couldn't be happy. It was a great night.
My wife was there with me. We celebrated. It was fun,
got drafted.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Lovely. I forgot how good having a double long weekend is.
But we've just had one. Last week.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
We had Easter into.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
We had Easter Easter long weekend, and then we had
the Anzac Day Friday, which was really nice. It's just
very It's a great long week, double long weekend.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
People. I know some people in the office that took
off the three days they did get ten, so they
get I think it's longer, isn't it. It's almost ten?
How many is it?
Speaker 1 (05:29):
It's ten Saturday Sunday ten? Be wrong?
Speaker 2 (05:38):
No, I thought it was twelve. Where did I get
the extra two days from there?
Speaker 3 (05:41):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
You just counted it out as ten and then you
went twelve twelve.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
People got two extras, got that time off, so they
got ten days off.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
That's smart. Whoever did that, Like they're really thinking ahead.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
They are, They're calculated that in advance and being like, right,
I'm going on holiday. Yeah, also more exciting news. Congratulations Anna,
Where's your Head Out? Is growing it now is Where's
your Bump Pass?
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Yes, we've just launched Where's Your Bump pat launching this Thursday,
so tomorrow, so put it in your calendar obviously. Look,
Matt and I love a chat, but Matt's not really
into talking about pregnancy.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
He's shaking his head.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Oh, I mean I like to listen to it because
of you, but I'm not.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
But you're not like really like engaged in it, Like
you don't really want to be talking about the faces
is fulling, I say to God, but seriously, so like
it's kind of like for me, it's I always knew
that when I was to get pregnant. I've been talking
about this for two years.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
By yea, where's brought us up?
Speaker 1 (06:45):
With me?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Ages ago?
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Ages ago? Like this is like not new. This has
been very much something that I've planned. It's taken a
little bit longer than I thought it would, but yeah,
it's coming out tomorrow. I'm super excited. The first episode.
Michael and I actually did a recording back in August
when we were trying, and we documented that, so you
actually get to hear that on the first episode, which
(07:07):
is really exciting.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Sou how you were trying.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
How we're trying, Like, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Just detailed descriptions position, how it was working.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
But yeah, so it's cool to hear us like pre
I was getting pregnant and that kind of mindset that
we were in, and yeah, it's exciting and I'm excited
for you guys to listen.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I'm I think I said this before on the podcast.
I'll listen to the first episode. Oh dude, you're interviewing
people that are like experts about pregnancy.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
It's really I'll give you the episodes that I expect
you to listen.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Okay, I was going to say, I feel like I think.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
You'll love the first one.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Yeah, it's quite interesting and it's with you and Michael
and Flash.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I think that like the second episode is how to
track your cycle. I don't know if you're going to
necessarily need to listen to.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Well, that's what I mean. I think for people that
are trying to get pregnant, people who have been pregnant,
with people in that space, it will be fascinating and
it would be awesome to listen to. But for me,
you don't need to track yourself shooting blanks, mayor a
man who's shooting blanks. I don't think it's really something
that I will. Maybe I will for you.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
I'll send you a list of the episode that are
going to be relevant and we'll go from there. Okay, Matt,
Everyone loved last six episode with the incredible dating coach
Mimmy Watts.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
It was great one. I can listen to it if
you haven't already.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Yeah, give it a listen. But we actually got her
back because you guys had so many burning questions that
we didn't get to ask her. So hopefully we answer
all of your questions there. Hello everyone, we are joined
by Mimi Wat, the dating and relationship coach. Hello.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
We were graced by your presence on any previous episode
where you gave us so much relationship advice that we
thought we'd come back to you with some listeners questions.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Let's do it, Let's get into it. Okay. The first
one that's come up is how to get intimacy back
with a partner after being through personal trauma.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Oh, that's a heavy handed question.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
It's a big start.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
I guess it depends on what kind of trauma you've
been through. If it's physical, trauma or emotional trauma. It's
going to be I would say it's going to be
a process right of because if someone's gone through something
quite traumatic, they're going to it's gonna take some time
for them to feel safe again. So whether it's if
(09:32):
there's been physical abuse clients I've worked with, it can
take time to feel safe and comfortable, even just being touched,
even if it is your partner who you know is
safe and good. The trauma is stored in the body,
so if someone touches you, it's going to maybe activate
that trauma or a memory to come back. So it's slowly,
probably with a therapist, and maybe the partner is there,
(09:55):
slowly working on building that safety in the body back up.
If it is emotional again, it would be working through
the trauma and getting your partner to really understand. And
again I don't know the context of this question, like
if the person if they've been through trauma together or
if it is individual, but with intimacy, so much of
it is feeling safe with the other person. So it
(10:17):
would be about working through what you've gone through and
you know, really inviting your partner in to help them
understand what you've been through and what you need to
feel safe to open up again, and.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
The other person needs to hold space for them and
let them feel safe in that.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Yeah, have patients have understanding?
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Okay, the next listened question we have is how do
I navigate my partner's porn addiction?
Speaker 2 (10:40):
First off the bat, do you think that it's bad
to watch porn in a relationship? Well?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I have a mixed mixed opinion on this, so okay,
A past version of me would say that, even though
it would make me kind of uncomfortable. I used to
think that it was not fair to say to a
partner like, you can't watch porn because it's like the
equivalent of cheating whatever, because everyone's entitled to do what
they want to do. But lately, more recently, I'm kind
(11:09):
of swinging into the opinion that I think if it
makes your partner uncomfortable, then it shouldn't have a place
in the relationship.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Yeah, I agree with that. If it makes your parer
uncomfortable with it, yeah, I agree with that. Do you
think it's cheating?
Speaker 1 (11:22):
I don't think it's cheating.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
No, I don't. I'm not under that. I'm more under
the impression that it's not healthy for someone to watch porn,
I think that it gives people quick dough mean here,
it's got the wrong impression of what sex is. To
some people, it gives them the wrong impression of it.
I don't think it's healthy to watch it in general.
I don't have the opinion though that it's cheating, but
(11:44):
I don't think it's healthy for someone to watch.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
I agree. I think it creates really unrealistic expectations in
the bedroom, which you know, if we're looking at like
heterosexual relationships, the types of typically the types of women,
and like the things they're doing in porn. It's quite
extreme and not every woman looks like that. Not everyone
is going to be comfortable doing those things. So if
you are addicted to porn or you're watching it a lot,
(12:09):
you're going to have these expectations that maybe won't be
met in you know, day to day relationships. So that
is unhealthy. And also, I mean, some people will look
at as cheating, some people won't. But I think the
issue is that you are projecting your sexual desires like
onto other people that aren't your partner, and that's what
(12:29):
your partner's for. Like, that's such a huge part of
the relationship. So it's look, it's going to be subjective,
I think to each couple to navigate that, but I think,
hands down, if it makes your partner uncomfortable, then it
shouldn't have a place. No.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
This one's kind of similar, but they've asked how do
I keep my sex life alive with my husband? So
not really about libido, but more about just I guess
keeping it spice it up, yeah, spicy fresh.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Yeah. With this one, I would say a lot of
for play happens outside the bedroom. So are you and
your partner taking time to really connect with each other
during the week or are you just living and existing
around one another. You're so busy with your work, your schedules,
you're just you know, you're talking, but you're not actually connecting.
(13:18):
That's a big one. So can you take some intentional
time to you know, I know there's things that you
can do to really build that connection, whether it's literally
just sitting with your partner and engaging in physical touch
without the physical touch necessarily leading to sex. So you're
just like kind of warming up touching each other, connecting,
eye gazing.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
I think that's huge. I like that. I think that
is like a massive to do with your partner just
physical touch that doesn't lead to sex. Yeah, I read
that somewhere and I feel and I very much try
and implicate that like just all the time.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Well, I think that if there is that expectation that
let's say it's a woman and a man, and the
woman's experience of in that relationship is every time we
start being like touching each other or we're like cooking up,
it usually leads to sex. And if she's not feeling it,
or she's feeling it less than the man, like the
man will initiate more. Then if he tries to engage
in any sort of physical touch, she might just shut
(14:10):
it down. She's already thinking I don't have the energy
for it, so don't touch me.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
So it's like, can we bring in the physical touch
to build the connection without it leading to anything.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Without expectation as well, like just being able to just
do that first part without it leading to something else
as well. You touched on eye gazing before. Is that
just like natural eye gazing or is that intentional, like
let's gaze into each other's eyes for the next minute
or however long you do it intentional?
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Okay, I do with my partner where we sit knee
to knee and then face to face and like I
get us to stare into each other's eyes. Were not
breaking and like for five minutes.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Five minutes, yeah, five minutes.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Feel for you, it's pretty intimate. It's pretty uh what's not? Yeah, vulnerable,
You're very vulnerable. You're just staring into each other's eyes,
your your eyes water up without even like the intent
because you're just like pretty emotional.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
Yeah, it's very it's a very vulnerable position to be in,
and you're just you're really literally and emotionally seeing each
other in that moment you're being You're so present you
have to be. You're staring each other in the eyes,
and it's it's very powerful, pretty uncomfortable if you're not
used to it, But give it a go. And even
if you just start with one minute and you can
(15:27):
build up to the five minutes.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
It sounds so long to me touching I reckon that
just like even like I think like me and Michael
have done it maybe like twenty seconds, and I'm like.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Well, you're not. It's not like a staring competition or
a blinking competition. You're actually just like like like just
looking at each other.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
It feels vulnerable.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
It does, it does.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
It's very vulnerable also just coregulating. So for example, let's
say one of you, like you're sitting on the bed
and okay, let's say you're sitting down and then your
partner would sit like on top of you strata you're
to straddle you with your clothes on, and that she's
straddling you, hugging you, so your bodies are physically extremely
connected and sitting in that position and just hugging each
(16:08):
other and staying there for like a solid five to
ten minutes. It's a very natural fast as humans to coregulate.
It's like you think, as a baby, your mum or
dad would hold you to their chest and that naturally
soothes you. So with a romantic partner, that's really important
for connections. So even just trying that, if the igazing
feels too vulnerable at first, try the coregulation. Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
The next question we have says, all of my friends
have partners except me. Am I doing something wrong?
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Hm? Such a hard boat to be in. Are you
doing something wrong? I would need more context to understand
if you are doing something wrong. I would invite you
to yeah, look at your relationship history, look at your patterns, like,
what are the common themes in all of your relationships?
What's not working and if there is a com if
(16:59):
things are not working like you, that ease a pattern there.
I would say, seek to understand why that's going on,
and when you understand yourself better, that will help to
attract different types of people, which might set you up
for success. But yeah, it's really hard when you're or
your friends are getting married or they're all coupled up
and you're not, you can feel super isolating. So I
feel you on that.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, what about if someone's just super picky? I know
that kind of falls into the same thing, but well,
look it's nice for them.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Yeah, I think it's not a bad thing to have
high standards. I think it's a very good thing. But
if you are so picky, like you have a list
of one hundred red flags, like all the little things,
then you are not setting yourself up for success because
no one's perfect. And I would say, if you are
that picky, like really really picky, there's probably a part
(17:54):
of you that is subconsciously afraid to get into a
relationship like you're Actually it's a way for you to
protect yourself, because how can anyone measure up to if
you're extremely picky and have all these things that most
people can't. So I would say start to pare that
back a little bit and look at what is truly important,
like what are the core values that you need, and
(18:15):
things like if they're not you know, they don't have
blue eyes, or they don't go to the gym five
days a week, like can you be more flexible on
those things?
Speaker 1 (18:22):
I need to have a friend. And I don't think
she would mind me saying this, but if there was
a guy out like we were at like a club
or at like a festival or something, and he was
wearing a red tub, she would be like an absolutely not,
even if he was like the nicest guy ever, if
he was wearing a red great example would be like I've.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Never gotten the concept of the ick from someone over
like little things like I have no I don't know
is it just me or is it a guy. I
don't know, I've just spoken to my mates a better
I don't get the like it would have to take
someone doing something fucking real, like full on for me
to get the ick, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Like is it a girl don't know, like the guys
getting the.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Yeah, it's like blowing their nose though, and stuff like yeah,
that's what I'm thinking of, like that stuff that I.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Was already off this guy and then he like blew
his nose and it was like so intense and it
was like had a whistle and it was like a lot,
and I was.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Like, no, that's sort of like, oh, I wouldn't give
me the ear thrown under the bus now. Yeah, I
don't know.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
I don't know. Maybe you're just very forgiving person. It's
not much bothers you.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Yeah, what's emphat empathetic as an emphathis.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Sometimes you just you can't help your feelings. Now, Like
if you're not into someone, then I feel like the
ik just comes up and it's like.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
I see pasted it.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
You're better than all of us.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
It's great, right. Is finding real love in your early
or late twenties.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Easier when maybe your thirties.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
I don't think there's anytime. He I think.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
The older you get, the better you know yourself, which
sets up relationships better. I think. So, Look, there's plenty
of people who meet someone in their early twenties or
even of high school and they end up married and
in long term relationships. But I've always kind of I
don't like the idea of that. And because we change
(20:24):
so much throughout our twenties, we become like different people.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
They would grow with that person, hopefully, you would hope. So, yeah,
they grow alongside each other. Yeah, a lot of people
outgrow their partner.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Because that's true. That's true. I don't think. Look, some
people find their real love when they're forty. Like, I
don't think the timing that there is a better or
a worse time. I think it just comes down to
I don't know it's timing, it's right place, right time,
knowing yourself when you're ready.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Yeah. I really liked what you said there about like
the older are the more you know yourself. I think
to go into a relationship, you have to love and
know yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Yeah yeah, Okay, we touched on this one a little
bit on our last episode with you. But someone has
asked how does a couple create healthy boundaries and respect.
Speaker 3 (21:13):
I would say it starts with knowing what your boundaries
are and a way to communicate it. Like, one thing
I like to say is I'm not available for ok
I feel like it's kind of just like a softer
way to rather than saying like you can't do this
or I'm not going to do this, it's just saying
I'm not available for like, So, for example, I'm not
(21:34):
available to be in a relationship where you raise your
voice at me when I'm trying to have a healthy
conversation with you. Like, maybe that's your prerogative, but I'm
not available for it, right, So it's just.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
The equivalent if I won't engage. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
Yeah, It sort of like it's just yeah and sort
of letting them know what you will do if they
continue to do that, because boundaries aren't about controlling the
other person. It's about letting them know yet what you're
available for, what you're not, and what you will do
if they continue to cross it. So, for example, I'm
not available to be in a relationship with someone who
raises their voice at me when we're trying to have
(22:10):
a conversation. If you continue to do that, I will
be leaving the room and I won't engage in conversation
with you until you've calmed down. So you're just saying
you know what you will do, and then you have
to uphold that.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Yeah, yeah, you have to stick to what you say though,
So they's and that's quite respectful.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
I feel like saying that like I'm not available for this. Yeah,
it's like a very nice way almost to put it.
But we're still there's still a lot of seriousness to it.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
And you're staying strong in what you're saying. Yeah, how
to keep faith that I will find the right relationship.
I'm struggling to find someone who values deep intimacy. Hmm.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
If you are struggling to find someone who values deep intimacy, again,
if that's a reoccurring theme, it's a pattern, And I
would say, where are you avoiding deep intimacy in your
own life? So often people who if you keep attracting
people who cannot get emotionally deep, it could be because
(23:07):
there's a block within you. You don't actually feel safe to
go emotionally deep and to be seen, so you keep
attracting people who can't quite go there, and it just
becomes this self fulfilling prophecy. So I would say, look
at yourself internally, is there some blocks there? Like are
you afraid to be really seen by someone you know?
That's a common one. And if you are, then that's
something you need to work through, and I have no
(23:28):
doubt once you do, you're start attracting people who can
go deeper.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Someone has said how to handle different financial status in
a relationship. My partner earns so much more, and sometimes
I feel like I don't really contribute.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Yeah, that's a tough one. If you really want to
be together and that's you know, that's the facts of
what it's like right now, then maybe it's like, can
you acknowledge other ways that you contribute to the relationship absolutely,
like things that you do that Yeah, maybe they're not financial,
but they're just as meaningful.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Yeah, yeah, I love that. Can long distance work? I'm
struggling to cope with the loneliness. Long distance is hard.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
It is so hard. I personally don't think I could
do it.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Yeah, a couple of months, maybe I've done it.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
How did you find it?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
It's tough. It's tough. Yeah, but we made it work.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
Yeah, how long did you do it for a.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
Couple of months?
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:28):
We just made it way it Actually a lot of
the stuff just fell perfectly. You couldn't have made it
more perfect, Like it just events and stuff just made
it work. Perfectly. But for someone I think that's in
a different country or something where it's actually long distance
and they can't see each other at the like just
a two hour flight, I think just working around it, maybe.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
It's a lot of work, Yeah, would.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
I think maybe organizing like virtual dates maybe, Yeah, watching
movies which art at the same time. Yeah, that's nice,
fall asleep on FaceTime like talk and face like that,
you're in the same bead. There's all different sorts of
things you can do to get around it.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
And I think also I would imagine like creating predictability
as much as you can, so it's like we're going
to like every day of this like this day of
the week at this time, we know we're going to
connect with one another and sticking to that because there's
so much uncertainty that comes with long distance. You can't
see the person, you're in their space, you don't know
what's going on. So it's about creating as much stability
(25:29):
and predictability as you can to feel safe.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Do you think it's being more vulnerable in that situation
to try and make both being more vulnerable and open,
making it feel a bit more of that connection or
do you think that could make someone feel more lonely.
Do you know what I'm trying to say. So, the
more vulnerable you are, the more open you are with them,
you might feel like you're more connected.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
I think, yeah, for sure. I think in any relationship,
the more open and vulnerable you are, the more connected
you're going to feel. And with long distance, I mean
it applies to long distance, applies to any relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
I would say, how to know if I'm being controlled
in my relationship?
Speaker 3 (26:08):
If you have a gut instinct you're being controlled, you
probably are?
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Yeah, right, yeah, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
It's so funny, like our intuition is so strong and
we normally know this, but it's just about tuning into it, right,
And if you start like googling, like am I being
controlled in a relationship? There's a high likely that.
Speaker 3 (26:26):
You could be. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
I feel like if you're go into the lengths of
googling it, you probably are.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah, if you think you are, you are.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Your gut instinct is so important in relationships, And the
way I describe it is, if you have a gut instinct,
it's sort of like this deep knowing, like this very
deep thing that just it won't go away no matter
how much reassurance your partner gives you the truth has
legs and it will remain standing.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
What are some way some like red flags to look
out for that someone feel like they're controlled. What is
something that just a couple.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
I mean probably like subtle things might be around, just
like what you're wearing, like your partner always commenting on
what you're wearing, or telling you what you should or
shouldn't wear, or always needing to know where you are
and what you're doing at all times, or like getting
mad if you want to go do something that's not
with them, like just not really giving you that trust
(27:23):
for you to have your independence freely knowing that you'll
come back, like just trying to control those little things,
and it can start out very subtly. So if you're
noticing those things and you have a gut instinct, I
would urge you to pay attention now, sooner rather than later.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
I think it's also like not having your own autonomy
in the relationship is kind of like what you're saying
as well, like not feeling like you can just like
go out and do something without them, Like hmm, if
asking you a million questions like what are you doing.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Who are you seeing yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
How to handle narcissistic behaviors in a relationship one word run.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Well, that is a very complex situation. I've been in
a narcissistic relationship years ago. I have know people who
are in them. They are very tricky to navigate because
you're dealing with someone who is very good at being
emotionally manipulative. You can really second guess yourself. I think
(28:22):
if you feel that you are in a narcissistic relationship,
you definitely need outside support, someone who is as we
said earlier, like not biased. They can really help you
to understand what's going on and give you the tools
to manage that person because I think if you try
to do it on your own, and the nature when
you're with someone narcissistic again, it's like very addictive, like
(28:42):
you almost become even though they're There's this pattern that
can happen with when we have let's say an abuser,
and I'm going to talk about like emotional abuse because
that person in a relationship is your primary attachment figure.
So the person you have the deepest attachment to, you
almost develop like this certain blindness to the abuse because
(29:03):
even though they're hurting you, because they're your main attachment
figure you want to They're the person you want to
run to for comford and support when you're feeling her,
and it can become this really dangerous cycle that goes
around and around, and I think if you yeah, I
think in these situations you probably need outside support to
help you if you are aware of it and you
know you want to get out of it.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Okay, final question from our listeners, Thank you so much
for doing this as well. We absolutely loved having you
on the last episode, so it's amazing to have you
answering these questions. This one says, my partner often loses
their temper. They aren't violent, but they can raise their
voice at me and scare me. How to get them
(29:42):
to see my perspective?
Speaker 3 (29:47):
How to get them to see your perspective? I'd say
this is in this situation. Yeah, there's only so much
you can do. Like you can lead a horse to water,
you can't make it drink it. So this would be
about now, it's doing your best to communicate how it
makes you feel when they're doing this, and if you've
(30:07):
tried communicating it multiple times and they are unwilling to
come to your level and understand and make changes. I
would say that's about you then removing yourself from the situation,
because he has to want to understand how it's making
you feel and to want to change. So it's yeah, really,
the only thing you can do is be as open
and communicative as possible, do your best, but he has
(30:30):
to come to the party, you know, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
Mimmy, thank you so much. It's been a pleasure having
you on once again. Until next time, guys, see bye.
Sometimes you just you can't help your feelings. Mat Like,
if you're not into someone, then I feel like the
ink just comes up and it's.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Like I see past it.
Speaker 3 (00:11):
You're better than all of us.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Where's Your Head At? Is a podcast that talks full things.
Hold on a sec, let's give this a refresh. Hi.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
I'm Anna and I'm Matt, and we are now too
newlywed not to each other. Just a female and male
best friend here for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Times and exploring adulthood, family relationships, dilemmas.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
And whatever else we have the mental capacity to deal with.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Come get the lowdown.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
This is your male and female perspective.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
So, Matt, where's your head At?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Good morning, Anna? Where's your head Ash?
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Hello? It was really good. I'm officially thirty three years old.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
I had my birthday, Yeah, so I think thirty three.
Happy birthday eighty three.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
We ended up going to the Conservatory Crown. They have
an incredible buffet spread. I was like, I can't drink,
I can't really do activities now because I'm heavily pregnant
at thirty five weeks at. All I want to do
is eat.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
And that's what we did it was fun.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
You couldn't even eat the seafood though, which I.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Couldn't eat the seafood, which I didn't think of ahead
of time. But I had like four plates of food,
so that was good.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Four full plates of food.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
How maning plates did you have?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
I have probably like four or five? Yeah, four, But
I wasn't filling them though.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I was like yeah, I was kind of yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
They're not really like that. You could load them up,
but you don't want to walk across the restaurant with
a loaded up plate a mountain mountain of food. I'm
getting my money's worse now. So I went back a
couple of times. Actually, what is more embarrassing filling up
a plate or going back multiple times and someone.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Notice it's a buffet, you know what I mean? Like
people were going to eat. You're going there to have
a good feast, right, And like this baby is like
modoring two weeks ahead of schedule.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I wouldn't for you being pregnant, like carrying a big
plate like she's eating for two.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
But I did post a TikTok about my birthday. Cake
came to the table and I had a full plate
of food, and I was like, yeah, yeah, and it's
literally got It's gone pretty.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Viral, has it really? If you haven't seen it, Guys
going on as TikTok follow up make fun of her.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
But yeah, the baby's measuring two weeks ahead of schedule,
So so does that.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Mean you're two weeks can you could be giving birth
in two weeks?
Speaker 1 (02:43):
I could give birth any time, Like I could give
birth in this studio right here, right now. Imagine imagine
if I was like, I don't even know how, Like
I've never had my waters break before because I've never
been pregnant. But like, imagine if I was like, I
think my water just broke.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
So you're how far off are you?
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Then? I'm thirty five weeks and full term is forty
but the baby is currently breach, which means I think
you need to be head down. The baby needs to
be head down, so he's like not in position at all.
Pasty is measuring big, so I could go early.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Well this is exciting, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:22):
This is exciting.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
And then we're gonna have a break this podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Well, you guys won't have a break. We'll be recording.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah, we're doing some cool, hot not cool. We're doing
some hot such a millennial. Why I said that, we're
doing some fun oh fun, so much.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
So much better. We're doing some exciting hop line hop
line yet, so please send in your voicemails. We want
to hear from you guys.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Yeah, send them in. We're doing some little mini episodes
for whilst I'm on maternity leave, which is going to
be fun. How's your week?
Speaker 2 (04:01):
It's been good. My wife had her birthday, so we
went out for a nice birthday dinner, treated her, had
a great night. Lovely, very lovely. She looks stunning just
being in the office doing heaps of work. But I
did have a NFL draft, so you're familiar with the NFL,
American Football National Football because of you, Matt only love it.
(04:23):
It's taken off in Australia at the moment they because
doing a game should I say it the MCG I
did hear about that, so yeah, that's very exciting. That
twenty twenty six, so it won't be this season at
the next season, so October next year, so that's very exciting.
So they're really ramping it up here in Australia trying
to get it out there. So they did like a
(04:45):
mock draft and I was one of the people when
I got drafted to my New Orleans Saints.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
So you're happy.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Couldn't be happier, couldn't be happy. It was a great night.
My wife was there with me. We celebrated. It was fun,
got drafted.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Lovely. I forgot how good having a double long weekend is.
But we've just had one. Last week.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
We had Easter into.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
We had Easter Easter long weekend, and then we had
the Anzac Day Friday, which was really nice. It's just
very It's a great long week, double long weekend.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
People. I know some people in the office that took
off the three days they did get ten, so they
get I think it's longer, isn't it. It's almost ten?
How many is it?
Speaker 1 (05:29):
It's ten Saturday Sunday ten? Be wrong?
Speaker 2 (05:38):
No, I thought it was twelve. Where did I get
the extra two days from there?
Speaker 3 (05:41):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
You just counted it out as ten and then you
went twelve twelve.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
People got two extras, got that time off, so they
got ten days off.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
That's smart. Whoever did that, Like they're really thinking ahead.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
They are, They're calculated that in advance and being like, right,
I'm going on holiday. Yeah, also more exciting news. Congratulations Anna,
Where's your Head Out? Is growing it now is Where's
your Bump Pass?
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Yes, we've just launched Where's Your Bump pat launching this Thursday,
so tomorrow, so put it in your calendar obviously. Look,
Matt and I love a chat, but Matt's not really
into talking about pregnancy.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
He's shaking his head.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Oh, I mean I like to listen to it because
of you, but I'm not.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
But you're not like really like engaged in it, Like
you don't really want to be talking about the faces
is fulling, I say to God, but seriously, so like
it's kind of like for me, it's I always knew
that when I was to get pregnant. I've been talking
about this for two years.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
By yea, where's brought us up?
Speaker 1 (06:45):
With me?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Ages ago?
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Ages ago? Like this is like not new. This has
been very much something that I've planned. It's taken a
little bit longer than I thought it would, but yeah,
it's coming out tomorrow. I'm super excited. The first episode.
Michael and I actually did a recording back in August
when we were trying, and we documented that, so you
actually get to hear that on the first episode, which
(07:07):
is really exciting.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Sou how you were trying.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
How we're trying, Like, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Just detailed descriptions position, how it was working.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
But yeah, so it's cool to hear us like pre
I was getting pregnant and that kind of mindset that
we were in, and yeah, it's exciting and I'm excited
for you guys to listen.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I'm I think I said this before on the podcast.
I'll listen to the first episode. Oh dude, you're interviewing
people that are like experts about pregnancy.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
It's really I'll give you the episodes that I expect
you to listen.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Okay, I was going to say, I feel like I think.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
You'll love the first one.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Yeah, it's quite interesting and it's with you and Michael
and Flash.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I think that like the second episode is how to
track your cycle. I don't know if you're going to
necessarily need to listen to.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Well, that's what I mean. I think for people that
are trying to get pregnant, people who have been pregnant,
with people in that space, it will be fascinating and
it would be awesome to listen to. But for me,
you don't need to track yourself shooting blanks, mayor a
man who's shooting blanks. I don't think it's really something
that I will. Maybe I will for you.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
I'll send you a list of the episode that are
going to be relevant and we'll go from there. Okay, Matt,
Everyone loved last six episode with the incredible dating coach
Mimmy Watts.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
It was great one. I can listen to it if
you haven't already.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Yeah, give it a listen. But we actually got her
back because you guys had so many burning questions that
we didn't get to ask her. So hopefully we answer
all of your questions there. Hello everyone, we are joined
by Mimi Wat, the dating and relationship coach. Hello.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
We were graced by your presence on any previous episode
where you gave us so much relationship advice that we
thought we'd come back to you with some listeners questions.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Let's do it, Let's get into it. Okay. The first
one that's come up is how to get intimacy back
with a partner after being through personal trauma.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Oh, that's a heavy handed question.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
It's a big start.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
I guess it depends on what kind of trauma you've
been through. If it's physical, trauma or emotional trauma. It's
going to be I would say it's going to be
a process right of because if someone's gone through something
quite traumatic, they're going to it's gonna take some time
for them to feel safe again. So whether it's if
(09:32):
there's been physical abuse clients I've worked with, it can
take time to feel safe and comfortable, even just being touched,
even if it is your partner who you know is
safe and good. The trauma is stored in the body,
so if someone touches you, it's going to maybe activate
that trauma or a memory to come back. So it's slowly,
probably with a therapist, and maybe the partner is there,
(09:55):
slowly working on building that safety in the body back up.
If it is emotional again, it would be working through
the trauma and getting your partner to really understand. And
again I don't know the context of this question, like
if the person if they've been through trauma together or
if it is individual, but with intimacy, so much of
it is feeling safe with the other person. So it
(10:17):
would be about working through what you've gone through and
you know, really inviting your partner in to help them
understand what you've been through and what you need to
feel safe to open up again, and.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
The other person needs to hold space for them and
let them feel safe in that.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Yeah, have patients have understanding?
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Okay, the next listened question we have is how do
I navigate my partner's porn addiction?
Speaker 2 (10:40):
First off the bat, do you think that it's bad
to watch porn in a relationship? Well?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I have a mixed mixed opinion on this, so okay,
A past version of me would say that, even though
it would make me kind of uncomfortable. I used to
think that it was not fair to say to a
partner like, you can't watch porn because it's like the
equivalent of cheating whatever, because everyone's entitled to do what
they want to do. But lately, more recently, I'm kind
(11:09):
of swinging into the opinion that I think if it
makes your partner uncomfortable, then it shouldn't have a place
in the relationship.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Yeah, I agree with that. If it makes your parer
uncomfortable with it, yeah, I agree with that. Do you
think it's cheating?
Speaker 1 (11:22):
I don't think it's cheating.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
No, I don't. I'm not under that. I'm more under
the impression that it's not healthy for someone to watch porn,
I think that it gives people quick dough mean here,
it's got the wrong impression of what sex is. To
some people, it gives them the wrong impression of it.
I don't think it's healthy to watch it in general.
I don't have the opinion though that it's cheating, but
(11:44):
I don't think it's healthy for someone to watch.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
I agree. I think it creates really unrealistic expectations in
the bedroom, which you know, if we're looking at like
heterosexual relationships, the types of typically the types of women,
and like the things they're doing in porn. It's quite
extreme and not every woman looks like that. Not everyone
is going to be comfortable doing those things. So if
you are addicted to porn or you're watching it a lot,
(12:09):
you're going to have these expectations that maybe won't be
met in you know, day to day relationships. So that
is unhealthy. And also, I mean, some people will look
at as cheating, some people won't. But I think the
issue is that you are projecting your sexual desires like
onto other people that aren't your partner, and that's what
(12:29):
your partner's for. Like, that's such a huge part of
the relationship. So it's look, it's going to be subjective,
I think to each couple to navigate that, but I think,
hands down, if it makes your partner uncomfortable, then it
shouldn't have a place. No.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
This one's kind of similar, but they've asked how do
I keep my sex life alive with my husband? So
not really about libido, but more about just I guess
keeping it spice it up, yeah, spicy fresh.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Yeah. With this one, I would say a lot of
for play happens outside the bedroom. So are you and
your partner taking time to really connect with each other
during the week or are you just living and existing
around one another. You're so busy with your work, your schedules,
you're just you know, you're talking, but you're not actually connecting.
(13:18):
That's a big one. So can you take some intentional
time to you know, I know there's things that you
can do to really build that connection, whether it's literally
just sitting with your partner and engaging in physical touch
without the physical touch necessarily leading to sex. So you're
just like kind of warming up touching each other, connecting,
eye gazing.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
I think that's huge. I like that. I think that
is like a massive to do with your partner just
physical touch that doesn't lead to sex. Yeah, I read
that somewhere and I feel and I very much try
and implicate that like just all the time.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Well, I think that if there is that expectation that
let's say it's a woman and a man, and the
woman's experience of in that relationship is every time we
start being like touching each other or we're like cooking up,
it usually leads to sex. And if she's not feeling it,
or she's feeling it less than the man, like the
man will initiate more. Then if he tries to engage
in any sort of physical touch, she might just shut
(14:10):
it down. She's already thinking I don't have the energy
for it, so don't touch me.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
So it's like, can we bring in the physical touch
to build the connection without it leading to anything.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Without expectation as well, like just being able to just
do that first part without it leading to something else
as well. You touched on eye gazing before. Is that
just like natural eye gazing or is that intentional, like
let's gaze into each other's eyes for the next minute
or however long you do it intentional?
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Okay, I do with my partner where we sit knee
to knee and then face to face and like I
get us to stare into each other's eyes. Were not
breaking and like for five minutes.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Five minutes, yeah, five minutes.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Feel for you, it's pretty intimate. It's pretty uh what's not? Yeah, vulnerable,
You're very vulnerable. You're just staring into each other's eyes,
your your eyes water up without even like the intent
because you're just like pretty emotional.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
Yeah, it's very it's a very vulnerable position to be in,
and you're just you're really literally and emotionally seeing each
other in that moment you're being You're so present you
have to be. You're staring each other in the eyes,
and it's it's very powerful, pretty uncomfortable if you're not
used to it, But give it a go. And even
if you just start with one minute and you can
(15:27):
build up to the five minutes.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
It sounds so long to me touching I reckon that
just like even like I think like me and Michael
have done it maybe like twenty seconds, and I'm like.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Well, you're not. It's not like a staring competition or
a blinking competition. You're actually just like like like just
looking at each other.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
It feels vulnerable.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
It does, it does.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
It's very vulnerable also just coregulating. So for example, let's
say one of you, like you're sitting on the bed
and okay, let's say you're sitting down and then your
partner would sit like on top of you strata you're
to straddle you with your clothes on, and that she's
straddling you, hugging you, so your bodies are physically extremely
connected and sitting in that position and just hugging each
(16:08):
other and staying there for like a solid five to
ten minutes. It's a very natural fast as humans to coregulate.
It's like you think, as a baby, your mum or
dad would hold you to their chest and that naturally
soothes you. So with a romantic partner, that's really important
for connections. So even just trying that, if the igazing
feels too vulnerable at first, try the coregulation. Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
The next question we have says, all of my friends
have partners except me. Am I doing something wrong?
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Hm? Such a hard boat to be in. Are you
doing something wrong? I would need more context to understand
if you are doing something wrong. I would invite you
to yeah, look at your relationship history, look at your patterns, like,
what are the common themes in all of your relationships?
What's not working and if there is a com if
(16:59):
things are not working like you, that ease a pattern there.
I would say, seek to understand why that's going on,
and when you understand yourself better, that will help to
attract different types of people, which might set you up
for success. But yeah, it's really hard when you're or
your friends are getting married or they're all coupled up
and you're not, you can feel super isolating. So I
feel you on that.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, what about if someone's just super picky? I know
that kind of falls into the same thing, but well,
look it's nice for them.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Yeah, I think it's not a bad thing to have
high standards. I think it's a very good thing. But
if you are so picky, like you have a list
of one hundred red flags, like all the little things,
then you are not setting yourself up for success because
no one's perfect. And I would say, if you are
that picky, like really really picky, there's probably a part
(17:54):
of you that is subconsciously afraid to get into a
relationship like you're Actually it's a way for you to
protect yourself, because how can anyone measure up to if
you're extremely picky and have all these things that most
people can't. So I would say start to pare that
back a little bit and look at what is truly important,
like what are the core values that you need, and
(18:15):
things like if they're not you know, they don't have
blue eyes, or they don't go to the gym five
days a week, like can you be more flexible on
those things?
Speaker 1 (18:22):
I need to have a friend. And I don't think
she would mind me saying this, but if there was
a guy out like we were at like a club
or at like a festival or something, and he was
wearing a red tub, she would be like an absolutely not,
even if he was like the nicest guy ever, if
he was wearing a red great example would be like I've.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Never gotten the concept of the ick from someone over
like little things like I have no I don't know
is it just me or is it a guy. I
don't know, I've just spoken to my mates a better
I don't get the like it would have to take
someone doing something fucking real, like full on for me
to get the ick, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Like is it a girl don't know, like the guys
getting the.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Yeah, it's like blowing their nose though, and stuff like yeah,
that's what I'm thinking of, like that stuff that I.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Was already off this guy and then he like blew
his nose and it was like so intense and it
was like had a whistle and it was like a lot,
and I was.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Like, no, that's sort of like, oh, I wouldn't give
me the ear thrown under the bus now. Yeah, I
don't know.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
I don't know. Maybe you're just very forgiving person. It's
not much bothers you.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Yeah, what's emphat empathetic as an emphathis.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Sometimes you just you can't help your feelings. Now, Like
if you're not into someone, then I feel like the
ik just comes up and it's like.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
I see pasted it.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
You're better than all of us.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
It's great, right. Is finding real love in your early
or late twenties.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Easier when maybe your thirties.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
I don't think there's anytime. He I think.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
The older you get, the better you know yourself, which
sets up relationships better. I think. So, Look, there's plenty
of people who meet someone in their early twenties or
even of high school and they end up married and
in long term relationships. But I've always kind of I
don't like the idea of that. And because we change
(20:24):
so much throughout our twenties, we become like different people.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
They would grow with that person, hopefully, you would hope. So, yeah,
they grow alongside each other. Yeah, a lot of people
outgrow their partner.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Because that's true. That's true. I don't think. Look, some
people find their real love when they're forty. Like, I
don't think the timing that there is a better or
a worse time. I think it just comes down to
I don't know it's timing, it's right place, right time,
knowing yourself when you're ready.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Yeah. I really liked what you said there about like
the older are the more you know yourself. I think
to go into a relationship, you have to love and
know yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Yeah yeah, Okay, we touched on this one a little
bit on our last episode with you. But someone has
asked how does a couple create healthy boundaries and respect.
Speaker 3 (21:13):
I would say it starts with knowing what your boundaries
are and a way to communicate it. Like, one thing
I like to say is I'm not available for ok
I feel like it's kind of just like a softer
way to rather than saying like you can't do this
or I'm not going to do this, it's just saying
I'm not available for like, So, for example, I'm not
(21:34):
available to be in a relationship where you raise your
voice at me when I'm trying to have a healthy
conversation with you. Like, maybe that's your prerogative, but I'm
not available for it, right, So it's just.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
The equivalent if I won't engage. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
Yeah, It sort of like it's just yeah and sort
of letting them know what you will do if they
continue to do that, because boundaries aren't about controlling the
other person. It's about letting them know yet what you're
available for, what you're not, and what you will do
if they continue to cross it. So, for example, I'm
not available to be in a relationship with someone who
raises their voice at me when we're trying to have
(22:10):
a conversation. If you continue to do that, I will
be leaving the room and I won't engage in conversation
with you until you've calmed down. So you're just saying
you know what you will do, and then you have
to uphold that.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Yeah, yeah, you have to stick to what you say though,
So they's and that's quite respectful.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
I feel like saying that like I'm not available for this. Yeah,
it's like a very nice way almost to put it.
But we're still there's still a lot of seriousness to it.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
And you're staying strong in what you're saying. Yeah, how
to keep faith that I will find the right relationship.
I'm struggling to find someone who values deep intimacy. Hmm.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
If you are struggling to find someone who values deep intimacy, again,
if that's a reoccurring theme, it's a pattern, And I
would say, where are you avoiding deep intimacy in your
own life? So often people who if you keep attracting
people who cannot get emotionally deep, it could be because
(23:07):
there's a block within you. You don't actually feel safe to
go emotionally deep and to be seen, so you keep
attracting people who can't quite go there, and it just
becomes this self fulfilling prophecy. So I would say, look
at yourself internally, is there some blocks there? Like are
you afraid to be really seen by someone you know?
That's a common one. And if you are, then that's
something you need to work through, and I have no
(23:28):
doubt once you do, you're start attracting people who can
go deeper.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Someone has said how to handle different financial status in
a relationship. My partner earns so much more, and sometimes
I feel like I don't really contribute.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Yeah, that's a tough one. If you really want to
be together and that's you know, that's the facts of
what it's like right now, then maybe it's like, can
you acknowledge other ways that you contribute to the relationship absolutely,
like things that you do that Yeah, maybe they're not financial,
but they're just as meaningful.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Yeah, yeah, I love that. Can long distance work? I'm
struggling to cope with the loneliness. Long distance is hard.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
It is so hard. I personally don't think I could
do it.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Yeah, a couple of months, maybe I've done it.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
How did you find it?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
It's tough. It's tough. Yeah, but we made it work.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
Yeah, how long did you do it for a.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
Couple of months?
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:28):
We just made it way it Actually a lot of
the stuff just fell perfectly. You couldn't have made it
more perfect, Like it just events and stuff just made
it work. Perfectly. But for someone I think that's in
a different country or something where it's actually long distance
and they can't see each other at the like just
a two hour flight, I think just working around it, maybe.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
It's a lot of work, Yeah, would.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
I think maybe organizing like virtual dates maybe, Yeah, watching
movies which art at the same time. Yeah, that's nice,
fall asleep on FaceTime like talk and face like that,
you're in the same bead. There's all different sorts of
things you can do to get around it.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
And I think also I would imagine like creating predictability
as much as you can, so it's like we're going
to like every day of this like this day of
the week at this time, we know we're going to
connect with one another and sticking to that because there's
so much uncertainty that comes with long distance. You can't
see the person, you're in their space, you don't know
what's going on. So it's about creating as much stability
(25:29):
and predictability as you can to feel safe.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Do you think it's being more vulnerable in that situation
to try and make both being more vulnerable and open,
making it feel a bit more of that connection or
do you think that could make someone feel more lonely.
Do you know what I'm trying to say. So, the
more vulnerable you are, the more open you are with them,
you might feel like you're more connected.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
I think, yeah, for sure. I think in any relationship,
the more open and vulnerable you are, the more connected
you're going to feel. And with long distance, I mean
it applies to long distance, applies to any relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
I would say, how to know if I'm being controlled
in my relationship?
Speaker 3 (26:08):
If you have a gut instinct you're being controlled, you
probably are?
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Yeah, right, yeah, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
It's so funny, like our intuition is so strong and
we normally know this, but it's just about tuning into it, right,
And if you start like googling, like am I being
controlled in a relationship? There's a high likely that.
Speaker 3 (26:26):
You could be. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
I feel like if you're go into the lengths of
googling it, you probably are.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah, if you think you are, you are.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Your gut instinct is so important in relationships, And the
way I describe it is, if you have a gut instinct,
it's sort of like this deep knowing, like this very
deep thing that just it won't go away no matter
how much reassurance your partner gives you the truth has
legs and it will remain standing.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
What are some way some like red flags to look
out for that someone feel like they're controlled. What is
something that just a couple.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
I mean probably like subtle things might be around, just
like what you're wearing, like your partner always commenting on
what you're wearing, or telling you what you should or
shouldn't wear, or always needing to know where you are
and what you're doing at all times, or like getting
mad if you want to go do something that's not
with them, like just not really giving you that trust
(27:23):
for you to have your independence freely knowing that you'll
come back, like just trying to control those little things,
and it can start out very subtly. So if you're
noticing those things and you have a gut instinct, I
would urge you to pay attention now, sooner rather than later.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
I think it's also like not having your own autonomy
in the relationship is kind of like what you're saying
as well, like not feeling like you can just like
go out and do something without them, Like hmm, if
asking you a million questions like what are you doing.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Who are you seeing yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
How to handle narcissistic behaviors in a relationship one word run.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Well, that is a very complex situation. I've been in
a narcissistic relationship years ago. I have know people who
are in them. They are very tricky to navigate because
you're dealing with someone who is very good at being
emotionally manipulative. You can really second guess yourself. I think
(28:22):
if you feel that you are in a narcissistic relationship,
you definitely need outside support, someone who is as we
said earlier, like not biased. They can really help you
to understand what's going on and give you the tools
to manage that person because I think if you try
to do it on your own, and the nature when
you're with someone narcissistic again, it's like very addictive, like
(28:42):
you almost become even though they're There's this pattern that
can happen with when we have let's say an abuser,
and I'm going to talk about like emotional abuse because
that person in a relationship is your primary attachment figure.
So the person you have the deepest attachment to, you
almost develop like this certain blindness to the abuse because
(29:03):
even though they're hurting you, because they're your main attachment
figure you want to They're the person you want to
run to for comford and support when you're feeling her,
and it can become this really dangerous cycle that goes
around and around, and I think if you yeah, I
think in these situations you probably need outside support to
help you if you are aware of it and you
know you want to get out of it.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Okay, final question from our listeners, Thank you so much
for doing this as well. We absolutely loved having you
on the last episode, so it's amazing to have you
answering these questions. This one says, my partner often loses
their temper. They aren't violent, but they can raise their
voice at me and scare me. How to get them
(29:42):
to see my perspective?
Speaker 3 (29:47):
How to get them to see your perspective? I'd say
this is in this situation. Yeah, there's only so much
you can do. Like you can lead a horse to water,
you can't make it drink it. So this would be
about now, it's doing your best to communicate how it
makes you feel when they're doing this, and if you've
(30:07):
tried communicating it multiple times and they are unwilling to
come to your level and understand and make changes. I
would say that's about you then removing yourself from the situation,
because he has to want to understand how it's making
you feel and to want to change. So it's yeah, really,
the only thing you can do is be as open
and communicative as possible, do your best, but he has
(30:30):
to come to the party, you know, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
Mimmy, thank you so much. It's been a pleasure having
you on once again. Until next time, guys, see bye.
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