November 18, 2024 • 41 mins
In this episode, Beth and Jeff finish their two-part series on the marriage dance—the relational dynamics between two Types. If you’re currently single or dating, you can apply this series to all your important relationships.
In this podcast, you will learn:
- How to understand the inner world of Type 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1
- How to have compassion for yourself and your partner
- How to affirm and encourage one another
Relationships are very complex. Not everyone grows in the same way, at the same speed, or in the same areas. But by using the Enneagram, as seen through the lens of the Gospel, you CAN have a fantastic marriage!
Becoming Us - https://www.becomingus.com/
We have many more amazing Enneagram for Moms resources at www.enneagramformoms.com.
FREE Enneagram resources here: https://www.yourenneagramcoach.com/podcastresources
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#Enneagram #PersonalityTypes #EnneagramCoach
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Beth (00:00):
Hey friend.
(00:00):
Have you ever wondered why theydo what they do?
Jeff (00:04):
why we do what
Beth (00:05):
we do.
Jeff (00:06):
So, I, I'm not sure.
Of course, they have Beth or, ormaybe even felt like your
relationship or your marriagehas been on cruise control and
you don't know how to, uh, putthe spark back into your
relationship.
Beth (00:17):
Well, if that's you, welcome to Your Enneagram Coach,
the podcast, because today we'regoing to be answering those
exact questions and even more.
Jeff (00:26):
We're super thrilled that you joined us now in this part
two of the two part series,where we've been talking about
how to have a fantasticrelationship with each Enneagram
type.
Well, a few years ago, wereleased several new Enneagram
products and resources under thescope of our, uh, platform,
Becoming Us, which is to helpmarriages and relationships to
grow through the lens of theEnneagram.
(00:46):
First, we released our bookcalled Becoming Us, using the
Enneagram to create a thrivinggospel centered marriage.
But on top of that, we alsoreleased an online course, not
just one course, but 45 courses.
Why?
Because there are 45 coupletypes on the Enneagram.
That's right.
There's 45 of them.
Uh, so these are specific to thecombinations that people and we
(01:10):
Speak to the Enneagram and thosedynamics that are specific to
those relationships.
Beth (01:14):
Yeah.
And it's really cool because Alot of people when they watch
their course, they will be like,Oh my gosh, like Beth and Jeff,
like here, like, how do theyknow what's going on?
It's like, yeah, we get it, butwe also specify their growth
path and so that it's kind oflike a cheat sheet.
So they don't have to like tryto figure it all out the long,
hard way, but they have a fasttrack and everyone can find that
(01:37):
at becomingus.
com.
Jeff and Beth (01:38):
So last week we spent some time to cover type
6's and in this episode we'regoing to cover type 5's through
type 1's.
Yeah.
So just as a reminder from whatwe talked about last week is
please do not commit a suicidewith those that you love.
Now, what is a suicide?
Well, it's when we assumeincorrectly other people's
(01:59):
thoughts, feelings, and motiveswhich can harm, hurt, and even
Destroy our relationships.
I want to ask good clarifyingquestions and ask people really
where they're coming frominstead of assuming from our
personality perspective.
But we also don't want to try tochange our spouse.
That is the Holy Spirit's workwhere we get to participate
(02:20):
through prayer andencouragement.
And I know Jeff that you broughtup Philippians 1 6, right?
That's right.
And this was a very significantturn in our marriage, which
happened for me in seminaryWhere I began to realize that,
so in Philippians 1, 6, Paulsays that he who began a good
work in you will carry it on tocompletion.
So although I have a particularrole in Beth's life as her
(02:44):
husband, as her friend, it isthe Spirit's work.
To bring about conforming Bethto the image of Christ, not my
responsibility, and it changedmy perspective on our marriage.
Rather than trying to changeBeth or change our children, I
have the privilege of comingalongside what the Spirit is
already doing.
Yeah, and we also don't want touse the Enneagram as a sword or
(03:06):
a shield.
We don't want to use it as asword where we're harming And,
uh, making fun of beingsarcastic with others about
their type.
This is very sensitive stuff.
We want to be very gentle andkind and forbearing, but we also
don't want to use it as a shieldand go, this is just who I am.
Just take it or leave it.
That is not gospeltransformation.
Christ calls us to be more likehim by renewing our mind and
(03:31):
allowing the spirit to work inand through us.
So our hope in putting these twopodcast episodes on how to have
a fantastic relationship with anEnneagram type Is to help to
give you three things.
Number one is understanding.
I love how John Gottman refersto it.
He calls it love maps It'sunderstanding Understanding your
spouse's interior world.
(03:53):
Now, I know that many of us havebenefited from something like
the, um, the love languages,which is super helpful.
The Enneagram really takes thatwhole conversation further and
applies it to all kinds ofdynamics in our relationships.
And so by going through these,this isn't going to be simply
the workbook.
Book on your spouse on how tolove them.
(04:15):
Although it's going to really bebeneficial and move the ball
down the court, but it We dopromise this, that there are
opportunities for you to gainmore understanding about your
spouse.
Secondly, compassion.
Now we're going to talk throughyour type, and so you're going
to see and be able tocommunicate to your spouse,
helping them to understand you,but also it's going to help you
(04:38):
to have compassion for yourspouse.
I mean, it's so often that wehear from marriages, I wish we
knew this sooner.
Now I understand why youstruggle the way that you do.
Now I understand our patternsand compassion simply always
trumps criticism.
And then lastly, encouragementand affirmation.
(05:00):
We want to help you to see whatGod is doing in the life of your
spouse so that you can comealongside the spirit's work in
your spouse's life to affirm,enhance.
And love and celebrate, um,what's happening in your
spouse's life.
And so we hope that this isgonna be super helpful
information for you.
(05:20):
Beth, why don't you tell'em alittle bit about what we're
gonna cover?
Yeah, so last episode, like wesaid, we covered 9, 8, 7, and
six in these categories that I'mgonna tell you.
But this episode we're gonna doobviously.
Five, all the way down to one.
And what we're covering is eachtype's core motivations.
This is the core fear, coredesire, core weakness, and core
longing.
(05:41):
The things that activate yourheart, whether towards positive
or negative thoughts, feelings,and behaviors.
And so this really key stuff,this is what's activating you,
but we also cover.
each type at their best, andwhen they're struggling, then we
also talk about how to relate tothem, how to remind the spouse
or the other person, the truthof the gospel, how to improve
(06:05):
communication with them, how torelate to them in conflict, and
last but not least, how to showthem love.
love because a lot of times weoffer the love we want to get,
but it doesn't necessarilytranslate well to the other
person.
So now you're going to get aninside scoop of how to love them
well.
Great.
So let's start off with typefives.
Yeah.
(06:25):
All right.
So type fives, the coremotivations of the type five is
that the fives have a core fearof being ignorant.
So type Annihilated, invaded,obligated, and incapable.
They have a core desire to becompetent, capable,
knowledgeable, and insightful,but they can trip on their core
weakness of avarice.
And this is where they feel thatthey lack inner resources and
(06:46):
that too much interaction withothers will lead to catastrophic
depletion internally.
So like, Their internal batterywill just go to zero and they
can't replenish it.
So they're going to hold on totheir resources and minimize
their needs.
But what they long for, theircore longing, what they long to
hear is your needs are not aproblem.
(07:07):
So here's some opportunities foryou to affirm the type five in
your life.
When you see that they are beinganalytical, persevering, their
sensitivity, their wisdom, beingobjective, perceptive, and
curious.
But there are times when typefives will struggle and they're
going to need yourencouragement.
Um, one, whenever they'reintellectually arrogant,
(07:28):
sometimes they can come across avery sharp with people.
They can be stingy withresources, perhaps stubborn and
not wanting to open up theirlives to other people.
They can be distant, sometimescritical of others, unassertive
and cynical.
Now those are opportunities, notnecessarily just to criticize
your spouse, but actuallyopportunities to move towards
(07:49):
them, um, because their heartsare misaligned with the truth of
the gospel.
So here are some great ways thatyou can remind type fives of the
truth of the gospel.
First of all, type fives aretempted to think that it's
isolated time alone that we'llbe able to replenish them when
in reality, Jesus says, I'm theway, the truth, and the life.
(08:10):
And so replenishment comesthrough Christ in relationships
whenever they feel depleted.
Next, remind them that God gavethem the incredible gift of
observing the world andconceptualizing it.
Now that's really importantbecause it's a gift, it's a gift
that's intended to be given toothers.
(08:30):
Why?
To remind them that the worldneeds them to observe it.
Insert their presence toconfidently and assertively step
into the world with theknowledge and the resources they
have because they are atremendous asset and gift to
people and to also remind themthat Christ never intrudes in on
them, but instead offers themdeep freedom that they can't
(08:54):
find anywhere else.
That's so good.
Also, their communication style,when they're actually aligned
with the truth of the gospel,and they're doing really well,
they're very respectful, nonintrusive, they're curious,
observant, and they engage instimulating conversation with
others.
But when they're struggling, uh,type fives, their communication
style can be that they're overlybrief, cold, like you said,
(09:18):
Jeff, intellectually arrogant,and they might withdraw and
detach when they feel that rock.
Relational obligations are beingplaced on them that they don't
want to enter.
Well, how can you improvecommunication with a type five
in your life?
Well, first, keep theconversations focused on facts
and specific details.
(09:38):
You want to understand thatfives, they, they're not going
to just drum up thoughts andemotions on the spot.
They take time to think andprocess and gather information.
And so give them that time toprocess.
And then.
Enable them to fully expressthemselves when they're ready.
In form fives, how long youthink that conversation is going
(09:58):
to take.
If you think this is going to bea quick conversation that you
just need to cover somethingversus a really long
conversation that you guys needto have, let them know so they
can manage their internalreservoir and resources.
And then ask them, Hey, where'syour internal battery?
Are you at 70 percent tointeract and have a
(10:19):
conversation, or are you down to5%?
And you need to go recharge sothat we can have that meaningful
conversation.
Show them that you.
understand that that internalbattery can get depleted very
quickly and that you're there tohelp them to recharge in any way
you can.
So here are a few things to keepin mind when you're relating to
a type five when you're in atense conversation and conflict.
(10:43):
Uh, one, Beth just mentionedthis about Asking them how you
can demonstrate that you careabout their needs.
And one of the ways is justasking where they're at in
regards to their energy level,or maybe even setting up a
separate time when they feellike they're going to be at
their best to be able to have ameaningful conversation.
(11:04):
You, you might want to tell themUm, what you want to discuss in
advance so that they're notsurprised and give them time and
space to be able to digest andprocess.
Now let's talk about what itmeans for five to digest and
process.
What they're going to receivemore, um, than big emotions and
big energy is that you are gonnaneed to come prepared with.
(11:27):
Logic and reason and data.
So there's going to be some workon your part in order to serve
them.
Well, be sure to make sure thatyou come with bullet points and
brief and straightforward, um,reasons are always best whenever
relating to a type five inconflict.
Great.
And then last but not least ishow to show the type five in
(11:50):
your life love.
Well, A great thing is to beindependent and not clingy, to
show them that you can hold yourown because that's what they're
doing.
But they also have this internalthought that their needs are a
problem.
Let them know that their needsare not a problem, that you're
there to serve and love themwell.
And then give them some space,time and privacy to recharge
(12:13):
without interruption and withoutinterruption is so key because
it's kind of like when we plugour phone in at the end of the
day, and we're letting itrecharge if we just unplug it
after five minutes.
It didn't do anything.
And so for the five, they reallyneed that uninterrupted time to
recharge, to think and processtheir thoughts and feelings
because during the day they'veactually put their thoughts and
(12:35):
especially their feelings to theside and they need that time to
go through them to then processand be ready for that relational
connection later.
Well Fives, we love you, we'reso thankful for you.
You mean a lot to us, and so wehope that this was helpful in
helping the others in your lifeto love you well.
Well, let's look at how to havea fantastic relationship with a
(12:58):
Type 4.
Yeah, so Type 4s, their coremotivations, the core fear of
the Type 4 is being inadequate,emotionally cut off, defective,
and mundane.
But their core desire is to beunique, special, authentic,
significant, and original.
(13:18):
But they struggle with the coreweakness of envy.
And this is where they feel thatthey're tragically flawed.
And there's somethingfoundational Missing inside them
and that others possess thequalities that they feel like
they're lacking.
And so I talk about this forwith people is that, you know,
when you put a puzzle together,you know, at the very end,
you're excited, you're almostdone, but you find there's a
missing piece in the middle andyou're like, Oh, it was almost
(13:40):
there.
That's kind of how a four feelsinside.
They feel like there's somethingtragically missing and flawed.
And what they long to hear,their core longing is you are
seen for exactly who you are,special and unique.
Well, here's some areas whereyou can affirm and encourage,
um, your type four spouse.
One, when they're at their bestand they're authentic,
(14:03):
compassionate.
introspective, expressive,creative, supportive, and
refined.
But sometimes fours are going tostruggle a bit, and their
heart's going to get misalignedwith the truth of the gospel.
And so what that's going to looklike is they're going to be
withdrawn, they may haveexaggerated moods, they may be
depressed, self pitying,moralistic, self absorbed, and
(14:25):
opposed.
Possessive.
Now when these things show up,this isn't a time for you just
to criticize or to withdraw yourpresence, but rather to move
towards them with kindness, withpatience, with curiosity to
understand what's happening andto offer the kind of
encouragement that we're goingto talk about in here in a
little bit on how to affirm andlove them whenever they're
struggling.
(14:46):
Well, whenever certain negativethings may be happening in your
relationship with a type 4,these are actually opportunities
to remind them of the truth ofthe gospel.
So be sure to remind them thatChrist didn't make any mistakes.
I remember a phrase fromseminary, God does not make junk
and he doesn't junk what he hasmade.
Christ made them uniquely andspecifically and to remind them
(15:10):
that they are flawless andbeautiful.
Remind them that theirtenderness, that their raw
emotions and their empathyactually reflect Christ and can
bless others.
Now remind them also that theirability to sit with others as
others experience suffering andgrief captures the heart of
(15:32):
Christ for others in a verytangible way.
And then remind them that theircreativity as well as an
expression of Christ is theircreator and that by expressing
their creativity, they become aninstrument of blessing in the
lives of others.
And the communication style whena type four is doing well, when
they know who they are inChrist, they're going to be
(15:52):
Super authentic and deep, andthey're going to express their
emotions with this inner balancethat Christ has demonstrated for
us.
They're empathetic, and they'reincredible listeners, especially
when others are sad, suffering,or in grief.
Now, a four, when they'restruggling, their communication
style is that they can be moody,emotionally intense, explosive,
(16:14):
or maybe even cold and detached,where they might be
condescending and steer theconversation to focus in on
themselves.
Yeah.
And then how to improvecommunication with a type four
is first to express your own.
own emotions more openly todevelop that solid and
meaningful emotionalrelationship with the four, but
(16:34):
be authentic and real and makesure that your communication
with a type four doesn't justget stale, but it gets exciting
and deep and exploring differentfacets and different emotions.
Um, help your type four toexpress themselves with a, with
clarity and emotional balance.
They really are the heavylifters in the world of
(16:55):
emotions.
And then express what you admireand appreciate about your four.
Don't try to change them, butmirror back how beautifully they
reflect Christ and how Christwas emotional as well.
There's some great opportunitiesto be able to move conflict, um,
from harmful to helpful wheneveryou're relating to a type four.
(17:16):
Uh, the first thing is this, tobe patient.
It can take fours quite a whileto be able to express and give
words the depth of theiremotions and in a full way.
And so you're going to bringpatience to allow them to be
able to encapsulate that andcommunicate it.
Number two, reassure them andlisten until they've completely
(17:36):
finished expressing themselvesso that they feel valued and
validated.
Lastly, it may be helpful toparaphrase what they're
communicating to you whenthey're done sharing to make
sure that you understand them.
Remember that one of theirdifficulties, one of their core
fears is to be misunderstood orto feel so unique that they are
fundamentally flawed and youjust want to paraphrase back to
(17:57):
them and assure them I'mlistening to you and everything
is fine.
If you didn't understand themcorrectly, As for clarification,
just be honest about it ratherthan trying to deny it or look
away from it.
And keep trying to repeat untilyou understand them and that
they feel understood.
Lastly, and most importantly,don't suggest to them or tell
(18:18):
them that they're being overlysensitive.
Yeah.
So how to show love to the typefour in your life, be tender,
empathetic, and understandingwithout trying to change them
into what you want them to be.
(18:38):
See them for who they are.
See them for what God has madethem to be and acknowledge it
and show appreciation to them.
Now don't flatter them.
They can, they want authenticityand realness.
But show them, encourage them,reinforce that there is nothing
missing inside them, that Godcreated them exactly the way he
wanted to, beautiful, special,and unique, and then offer them
(19:02):
the ability to expressthemselves with creativity,
vision, and deep intuition, andthen allow them the space to
feel their emotions.
Encourage them to see Christ inthe Gospels and how Christ was
emotional, but used his emotionswith balance.
We love you fours.
We're so thankful for you in ourlife, and we hope that this will
(19:25):
help those in your life to loveyou better.
Great.
So let's move on to type three,Bethy.
All right.
So type three is the coremotivations of the type three.
The core fear is being afailure, incompetent, worthless,
inefficient, and not admirable.
But your core desire is to besuccessful, efficient, valuable,
(19:46):
and admired.
Now this can go into the coreweakness of deceit.
But deceit for you really meansthat you're deceiving yourself
into believing that you're onlythe image you present to others.
So you feel this need toembellish the truth by putting
on a polished persona foreveryone to see and admire.
What you long to hear is thatyou are loved for simply being
(20:09):
you.
So here's some ways to affirmyour type three that's in your
life.
One, when threes are at theirbest, they are optimistic, self
affirming, industrious,efficient, self propelled,
energetic, goal oriented, andteam building.
But, they also have this otherside to them that can be
(20:30):
surprising to people, but thisis an opportunity, as I've said
before, for you to engage, notnecessarily withdraw, nor to
simply criticize.
So when you see a Type 3struggling, you're going to see
deceptiveness.
You're going to see them selfpromote.
They might be pretentious orvain, superficial, exploitative,
(20:50):
overly competitive, and aworkaholic.
These are signs that theirhearts are misaligned with the
truth of the gospel and itpresents an opportunity for you
as their spouse to be able toengage them with kindness and
compassion.
So how to point Type 3 back tothe truth of the gospel?
Well, number one, remind themthat their value and their worth
are not tied up in theiraccomplishments.
(21:12):
But it's tied up in what Christhas accomplished on their
behalf.
Secondly, be patient with themas they begin to learn that they
can be loved simply for beingthemselves.
They've Always felt this need toperform.
So you being kindly and warmlypresent with them whenever
success hasn't been achieved,when there's, they've
(21:33):
experienced failure is going tobe a real gift for them to be
able to authentically andhonestly share what they're
feeling.
Next, be their biggestencourager as they discover
their true and authentic self.
Be able to support them wheneverit emerges and be an instrument
of Christ of assurance andaffirmation Because it's gonna
(21:54):
be scary for them.
And then lastly just as Christdelights in them and who they
are So delight in them as well,show them that you affirm and
see how God has uniquely createdthem.
But when they're misaligned withthe truth of the gospel, their
communication style can be wherethey're more self promoting and
(22:15):
patient with emotional orlengthy conversations.
They might get angry or shortand frustrated when things
aren't going quite the way thatthey want, and their image might
be tarnished and they're notgoing to be as willing to
disclose what's really going oninside them.
And then how you can improveyour communication with a type
three is recognized when they'reworking.
(22:36):
Usually when threes are working,they're very dialed in and
focused.
It's not the greatest time tointerrupt them for some deep
conversation, but when you areneeding to have a conversation,
be very specific and clear aboutwhat your needs are.
And even give real clearexamples so that they know what
it is that you're wanting.
So they can accomplish it to beambivalent or to just not be
(23:00):
clear, can be really hard andfrustrating to them because they
don't know what they need to donext.
Also encourage and affirm them.
This is so important to showthat you support each other.
And you love them and that yousee how hard they work, be
positive and then develop withthem a clear outline and goals
and steps that you guys can doto have positive outcomes for
(23:23):
your relationship.
Here's some suggestions abouthow to relate to a type three
when you're in conflict orhaving a type two relationship.
contentious conversation.
Number one, come with a problemsolving approach.
They're not interested in justtalking about emotions.
They want solutions.
Next, keep your emotions inbalance.
Don't get exaggerated in yournegativity or pessimistic
(23:46):
emotions.
It's not going to go very farwhenever you're relating to a
type three.
Next, reiterate that they areloved for who they are and not
just what they do.
Affirm them on the good thatthey did accomplish, so that
they're not left wondering.
Next, show them love andacceptance for whenever they
show their authentic and trueself, rather than simply just
(24:07):
dwelling on their image andtheir successes.
Next, focus on the positive waysthat the three can address your
concerns instead of focusing ontheir negative qualities or
their failures.
And then lastly, remind thethree specifically why and how
they are uniquely valuable.
And then last, but definitelynot least, how to show the type
(24:27):
three in your life love.
Well, recognize that threes deepdown feel like they have to do
in order to receive love.
So this is a great opportunityfor you to show them that you
love them for simply being them,but they don't have to
accomplish anything.
Now, of course, we still want toaffirm their accomplishments,
but we want them to know it'snot just their accomplishments
that why you love them.
(24:48):
So I love you for simply beingyou is a great way to show them
love.
When you're talking, keep theconversations constructive and
your feedback positive ratherthan overly critical or
emotional, and then provide apeaceful and tidy atmosphere
where they can thrive.
Remind them that their worth isnot in what they accomplished,
but what Christ accomplished forthem, and that you are right
(25:12):
there for them.
Alongside them, supporting themand encouraging them as they
move into their genuine andauthentic self.
Hey, we love the type threes inour lives.
And one thing that I, I wish Ihad maybe said earlier in the
podcast is that, you know, theseare suggestions and, um, in some
ways they may be a little bit,uh, stereotypical of a type or
consistent with a type, butthese are opportunities to have
(25:34):
conversations.
So type threes, we hope this isgoing to help, um, The other
people in your life learn how tolove you better, but be sure to
add to the list and be able totalk specifically about who you
are and how they can relate toyou.
Well, type twos, you're up.
Yeah.
And each time we say, Oh, welove you type, whatever.
I'm like, yeah, I may all of asudden a flood of all my
(25:54):
friends.
That's Exactly.
Co workers and family flood mymind.
So type twos, you know, ourdaughters are type twos, so of
course, you know, we love typetwos.
Um, now the core motivations ofthe type two is the core fear of
being unloved, worthless, needy,rejected, and unwanted.
The core desire of the type twois that they want to be loved,
(26:15):
wanted, and loved.
and appreciate it, but they canstruggle with the core weakness
of pride.
And this is where twos are goingto deny their own needs and
emotions while focusing on theemotions and needs of others and
then confidently inserting theirhelpful support in hopes that
others will show theirappreciation and gratitude.
Now the type twos have a corelonging to hear you are wanted
(26:38):
and loved.
You don't have to serve andhelp.
You are just love for who youare.
Here are some particularbehaviors that you're going to
see whenever a type two isaligned with the truth of the
gospel, because twos at theirbest are loving, compassionate,
nurturing, generous, supportive,hospitable, and empathetic.
(26:59):
And those are opportunities foryou to affirm the type two.
But type twos can strugglesometimes.
And what that's going to looklike is intrusiveness.
They can be martyr like,manipulative, possessive.
Sometimes they can be aflatterer, overly needy, and or
overly accommodating.
Those are opportunities for youto come alongside the two to
remind them of the truth of thegospel and how much Christ
(27:22):
values them.
Well, when you see that yourtype two spouse is, um, is
having difficulty or they'restruggling, here's a couple ways
in which you can, uh, help atype two to be, to be reminded
of the truth of the gospel.
First, remind them that they areloved and cherished and cared
for by Christ.
(27:42):
We love because Christ firstloved us.
We serve because Christ firstserved us.
The compassion that we havereceived is the compassion we
give to others.
Type two.
Be reminded that it is Christwho has first loved you.
Next, remind them that Christtook excellent care of his own
needs and emotions by timesseparating from the crowds,
(28:05):
separating from the apostles,and spending time with his
Father alone.
Encourage your type 2 spouse tomake time, make a plan for their
own self care.
Next, remind them that all theblessings that God has given
them, all the assurances thatsay, you are mine and you are
deeply loved.
(28:27):
Lastly, remind them how valuablethey are simply for being them,
and not valued simply because ofwhat they do for others.
Lastly, They don't need to earnthe love of others, nor earn the
love of Christ, because he iseverything for them by love.
Yeah.
And then when they are alignedwith the truth of the gospel,
(28:47):
their communication style is onewhere they are phenomenal.
So let's talk about what this isall about.
So what is a passive aggressive?
They ask incredible questions.
They have a warm presence, givehelpful guidance and are
compassionate and empatheticlisteners.
Now, of course, when they're notdoing as well, their
communication style can be wherethey're actually either passive
aggressive or can actually bevery direct and give unsolicited
(29:11):
advice.
And then when they feel thatthey've helped too much, that
they're constantly giving andnever receiving, they can kind
of get angry and complain aboutit.
And then how to improvecommunication with a type two in
your life.
Make sure that you connect withyour type two before anything
else.
Make sure that you see them,that you give them the love and
(29:34):
the encouraging tone to set thestage.
And then if there is somethingthat you need to say that It
might not land on them well,make sure you use the sandwich
method.
And the sandwich method is wherethe top bun layer is lots of
encouragement and affirmation.
Then you might need to say whatneeds to be said, but you still
do it with love and affection,which is the meat of it.
(29:54):
And then at the bottom bun isagain, affirmation,
encouragement, and pointing themto the gospel.
And so you want to do this.
in a way that helps them to notfeel shame and rejection, which
is some of their core fears.
Help reinforce your love and howyou want to walk alongside them
and support them in every way.
Great.
(30:14):
Here's some suggestions abouthow to relate to a type two
whenever you're in conflict.
Number one, be patient andreceptive, giving them time to
be able to express theiremotions and to be able to
process externally.
Next, be patient.
Paraphrase what they've said tomake sure that you've heard them
accurately.
If you didn't hear them right,be sure to ask some clarifying
questions.
(30:35):
This shows them that you seek tounderstand them and that you
value their thoughts.
Next, make every effort not touse accusatory words or body
language that can shame, hurt,or close off highly sensitive
twos.
Twos fear rejection and anyverbal or nonverbal
communication that proves thatrejection is coming, they're
(30:56):
going to shut down.
And then lastly, take the timeto focus on their thoughts and
feelings with curiosity.
They often have given themselvesto all kinds of people,
particularly whenever they'reactivated internally.
And so to move towards them withencouragement and affirmation is
going to be very helpful in atime of conflict.
And then last but not least, howto show the type two in your
(31:17):
life love.
First, demonstrate.
that you love them and tell themspecifically what you love and
appreciate about them.
There is so much we can offerour twos in this area because
they do so much, but moreimportantly, let them know that
you love them unconditionally.
It's not based off of what theydo, but just who they are.
Take the time to ask them abouttheir life feelings and their
(31:40):
needs, because they're alwaysasking about others and they
might deflect it.
So be patient and make sure youreroute the conversation back to
being curious about them andsurprise them with creative
gifts and time together.
You, if you just take Um, sometime to back up and think about
all that twos do.
(32:00):
They have this superpower ofknowing what others need and
want and giving it to them.
We need to do the same withthem.
Now it might not be oursuperpower, but let's take the
time to see what would the twoin my life love, and then let's
offer it to them and then removeany hindrances that are keeping
your two from taking care ofthemselves and make sure they
come back to Christ and soak inthe deep, unconditional love and
(32:25):
affirmation they have with Him.
So twos, we absolutely love you.
We're so thankful for you andthe presence you have in our
life.
Twos have had a such asignificant contribution to our
lives.
We're so grateful.
Alrighty, type ones, you'renormally first, but you're
number one in our hearts.
So last but not least, yeah,type ones, the core motivations.
(32:47):
That you have is the core fearof being bad, evil, corruptible,
and wrong.
You have a core desire to haveintegrity, to be good, ethical,
moral, and right.
And the core weakness that youhave is resentment.
And this is where you'rerepressing anger that leads to
continual frustration anddissatisfaction with yourself
(33:07):
and others.
Well, here's some ways to seewhether your type one spouse is
at their best or at their worstwhen they're aligned with the
truth of the gospel ormisaligned with the truth of the
gospel.
When their hearts are aligned,they are ethical, reliable,
(33:29):
productive, wise, idealistic.
Conscientious and selfdiscipline.
These are things to affirm in atype 1.
It means they're doing well.
They're at their best But theydo have a darker side where they
can become more judgmental andflexible, dogmatic, critical of
others Uptight, controlling, andpicky.
(33:49):
Now what's interesting about atype 1 is that if these
behaviors are showing up That'sbecause they've been that
critical of themselves thatinflexible towards themselves
that they're that dogmatictowards themselves.
Now it's coming out towards you.
So this is an opportunity.
Although all love will demandsacrifice, this is an
(34:10):
opportunity for you to movetowards them, even if it may be
uncomfortable for you.
Here are some ways in which youcan point to type one back to
the truth of the gospel.
Number one, remind them thatthere is no more condemnation
for those who are in ChristJesus.
That despite the voice in theirhead, the inner critic, that
(34:30):
reminds them of all the ways inwhich they didn't live up to the
standard, in Christ there is nomore condemnation.
Next, remind them that when Godlooks at them, He only sees
Christ's perfect righteousnessimputed to them.
They are clothed in hisrighteousness and so God will
(34:50):
never bring back up theirfailure but rather he intends to
restore and will ultimatelyrestore them whenever he
returns.
Next, be quick to mirror Christby being gracious merciful and
forgiving.
Next, demonstrate that youunderstand that their inner
critic is constantly assaultingthem, being kind and patient
(35:15):
with them as they try todifferentiate the voice between
their inner critic and who theHoly Spirit is for them,
reminding them of all theassurances that we have in
Christ.
Lastly, ask for forgiveness fromyour type one spouse when
appropriate.
It's going to help them toforgive and to be able to move
forward.
And it's an opportunity for themto be reminded of the
(35:36):
forgiveness and grace that theyhave received in Christ.
And when they are doing well,their communication style is
that they're very honest,poised, polite, sincere, and
they've have well thought outideas and opinions.
And they make sure that goodnessprevails for everyone.
(35:56):
Now, when they're not alignedwith the truth of the gospel,
they can struggle in theircommunication style.
And this is where they can speakin more of a teaching,
correcting and judgmental wayand become easily irritated,
opinionated, and show theirdispleasure more visibly.
Now, some ways that you can, uh,improve communication with a
type one in your life is torealize that they're not
(36:19):
searching for imperfections.
See imperfections leap out atthem and their inner critic sees
it and assaults them with what'swrong.
So demonstrate great empathy.
Towards them, acknowledging thatthey, and that you understand
that they suffer under a veryspiteful inner critic and ask
them how you can help relievethe burdens of that inner
(36:42):
critic.
And obviously prayer for them isa great way.
And to reassure them of what thegospel says about them.
So don't commit a suicidethinking that the type one is
just out there trying to judgeyou.
Remember that inner critic isberating them, which might flow
outward.
But also remember the heart of aone is to give advice, to help
(37:05):
those that they love and tobring goodness to the world.
Here are some ways in which youcan relate to a Type 1 whenever
you're in conflict or have,having a contentious
conversation.
Number one, Take a problemsolving approach.
Be practical in your solutionsabout how to deal with the
issue.
Sometimes that they, uh, theydon't want to focus on emotions.
(37:29):
Next, keep the conversationproductive and instead of
demanding emotional responses,to look towards a problem
solving approach.
Next, discuss issues reasonablywith your peers.
Relying on wisdom, insights, andfacts.
It's really going to help themto be able to process what's
happening relationally.
Next, provide structure to theconversation so it doesn't get
(37:52):
lost.
It stays logical and consistent.
Listen to the one's thoughts.
Listen to their criticism, theirjudgments, without assuming an
intention to hurt you.
Oftentimes, it may come outsideways, but they're actually
trying to help.
And beginning with anaffirmation or giving them the
benefit of the doubt, it canreally be helpful.
But also remember one, sometimeswhat you think is a gift to
(38:15):
others really does land onother, on others harshly.
Next, discuss the issues and thefacts at hand, avoiding personal
criticism and attacks.
And then lastly, demonstrateyour awareness of their inner
critics never ending list bybeing gentle, kind, gracious,
and a good listener.
And last but not least, how toshow the type one in your life.
(38:35):
Love first, take your ownresponsibilities seriously.
Then, point out how good,responsible, and thorough the
Type 1 is in your life.
Understand that criticism is asign that their inner critic is
tormenting them, and that youlove them, and that Christ loves
them.
Ask for forgiveness quickly whenyou've done something that needs
(38:57):
reconciliation.
And then remind your type one ofChrist, unconditional love, his
grace, and how, what he hasdone, his life, death and
resurrection erases their sinsand gives them his righteousness
so that they are free and theycan be childlike.
So type ones, we are so thankfulfor you.
(39:17):
You bring us wisdom and insightand clarity in so many areas
where we absolutely need it.
So thank you.
Well, we're so glad that youjoined us over these last two
episodes, and we really do hopethat this has been a helpful
resource for you, not onlypersonally being able to help
your spouse love you more.
We also hope that this has beena great resources for you,
(39:40):
spouses, for you to express yourfaith through love as you have
come to understand what'shappening underneath the hood of
your spouse, to be able to movetowards them with understanding,
compassion and encouragement.
We really suggest that you guys.
Check out our book, Becoming Us,where it is a tool to help you
to create a thriving gospelcentered marriage using the tool
(40:01):
of the Enneagram.
It's all about seeing Christ ineach other with compassion and
empathy and grace.
The back of the book holds thismap.
For each other.
A lot of points that we pointedout today, you'll get to see
back there.
So go check out that book atbecomingus.
com.
Plus a lot of these resourcesand more are in our course
(40:22):
called Becoming Us as well atbecomingus.
com.
And here's the cool thing.
It's not just one course, thereare 45 courses because there are
45 couple types.
We dialed in our coursespecifically for the two of you.
And we can't wait for you guysto hear how to love each other.
Well, from.
(40:43):
Well, we're so thankful thatyou've spent these last two
episodes with us and we hopethat you found it helpful for
your relationships.
We look forward to be able toprovide you with more resources,
uh, to help your personal growthand your relationships and your
professional life with theinsights of the Enneagram
through the lens of the gospel.
So thankful that you joined usand we hope to see you next time
for our next episodes.
Beth (41:04):
All right.
We'll see you guys then.
Hey friend.
(00:00):
Have you ever wondered why theydo what they do?
Jeff (00:04):
why we do what
Beth (00:05):
we do.
Jeff (00:06):
So, I, I'm not sure.
Of course, they have Beth or, ormaybe even felt like your
relationship or your marriagehas been on cruise control and
you don't know how to, uh, putthe spark back into your
relationship.
Beth (00:17):
Well, if that's you, welcome to Your Enneagram Coach,
the podcast, because today we'regoing to be answering those
exact questions and even more.
Jeff (00:26):
We're super thrilled that you joined us now in this part
two of the two part series,where we've been talking about
how to have a fantasticrelationship with each Enneagram
type.
Well, a few years ago, wereleased several new Enneagram
products and resources under thescope of our, uh, platform,
Becoming Us, which is to helpmarriages and relationships to
grow through the lens of theEnneagram.
(00:46):
First, we released our bookcalled Becoming Us, using the
Enneagram to create a thrivinggospel centered marriage.
But on top of that, we alsoreleased an online course, not
just one course, but 45 courses.
Why?
Because there are 45 coupletypes on the Enneagram.
That's right.
There's 45 of them.
Uh, so these are specific to thecombinations that people and we
(01:10):
Speak to the Enneagram and thosedynamics that are specific to
those relationships.
Beth (01:14):
Yeah.
And it's really cool because Alot of people when they watch
their course, they will be like,Oh my gosh, like Beth and Jeff,
like here, like, how do theyknow what's going on?
It's like, yeah, we get it, butwe also specify their growth
path and so that it's kind oflike a cheat sheet.
So they don't have to like tryto figure it all out the long,
hard way, but they have a fasttrack and everyone can find that
(01:37):
at becomingus.
com.
Jeff and Beth (01:38):
So last week we spent some time to cover type
6's and in this episode we'regoing to cover type 5's through
type 1's.
Yeah.
So just as a reminder from whatwe talked about last week is
please do not commit a suicidewith those that you love.
Now, what is a suicide?
Well, it's when we assumeincorrectly other people's
(01:59):
thoughts, feelings, and motiveswhich can harm, hurt, and even
Destroy our relationships.
I want to ask good clarifyingquestions and ask people really
where they're coming frominstead of assuming from our
personality perspective.
But we also don't want to try tochange our spouse.
That is the Holy Spirit's workwhere we get to participate
(02:20):
through prayer andencouragement.
And I know Jeff that you broughtup Philippians 1 6, right?
That's right.
And this was a very significantturn in our marriage, which
happened for me in seminaryWhere I began to realize that,
so in Philippians 1, 6, Paulsays that he who began a good
work in you will carry it on tocompletion.
So although I have a particularrole in Beth's life as her
(02:44):
husband, as her friend, it isthe Spirit's work.
To bring about conforming Bethto the image of Christ, not my
responsibility, and it changedmy perspective on our marriage.
Rather than trying to changeBeth or change our children, I
have the privilege of comingalongside what the Spirit is
already doing.
Yeah, and we also don't want touse the Enneagram as a sword or
(03:06):
a shield.
We don't want to use it as asword where we're harming And,
uh, making fun of beingsarcastic with others about
their type.
This is very sensitive stuff.
We want to be very gentle andkind and forbearing, but we also
don't want to use it as a shieldand go, this is just who I am.
Just take it or leave it.
That is not gospeltransformation.
Christ calls us to be more likehim by renewing our mind and
(03:31):
allowing the spirit to work inand through us.
So our hope in putting these twopodcast episodes on how to have
a fantastic relationship with anEnneagram type Is to help to
give you three things.
Number one is understanding.
I love how John Gottman refersto it.
He calls it love maps It'sunderstanding Understanding your
spouse's interior world.
(03:53):
Now, I know that many of us havebenefited from something like
the, um, the love languages,which is super helpful.
The Enneagram really takes thatwhole conversation further and
applies it to all kinds ofdynamics in our relationships.
And so by going through these,this isn't going to be simply
the workbook.
Book on your spouse on how tolove them.
(04:15):
Although it's going to really bebeneficial and move the ball
down the court, but it We dopromise this, that there are
opportunities for you to gainmore understanding about your
spouse.
Secondly, compassion.
Now we're going to talk throughyour type, and so you're going
to see and be able tocommunicate to your spouse,
helping them to understand you,but also it's going to help you
(04:38):
to have compassion for yourspouse.
I mean, it's so often that wehear from marriages, I wish we
knew this sooner.
Now I understand why youstruggle the way that you do.
Now I understand our patternsand compassion simply always
trumps criticism.
And then lastly, encouragementand affirmation.
(05:00):
We want to help you to see whatGod is doing in the life of your
spouse so that you can comealongside the spirit's work in
your spouse's life to affirm,enhance.
And love and celebrate, um,what's happening in your
spouse's life.
And so we hope that this isgonna be super helpful
information for you.
(05:20):
Beth, why don't you tell'em alittle bit about what we're
gonna cover?
Yeah, so last episode, like wesaid, we covered 9, 8, 7, and
six in these categories that I'mgonna tell you.
But this episode we're gonna doobviously.
Five, all the way down to one.
And what we're covering is eachtype's core motivations.
This is the core fear, coredesire, core weakness, and core
longing.
(05:41):
The things that activate yourheart, whether towards positive
or negative thoughts, feelings,and behaviors.
And so this really key stuff,this is what's activating you,
but we also cover.
each type at their best, andwhen they're struggling, then we
also talk about how to relate tothem, how to remind the spouse
or the other person, the truthof the gospel, how to improve
(06:05):
communication with them, how torelate to them in conflict, and
last but not least, how to showthem love.
love because a lot of times weoffer the love we want to get,
but it doesn't necessarilytranslate well to the other
person.
So now you're going to get aninside scoop of how to love them
well.
Great.
So let's start off with typefives.
Yeah.
(06:25):
All right.
So type fives, the coremotivations of the type five is
that the fives have a core fearof being ignorant.
So type Annihilated, invaded,obligated, and incapable.
They have a core desire to becompetent, capable,
knowledgeable, and insightful,but they can trip on their core
weakness of avarice.
And this is where they feel thatthey lack inner resources and
(06:46):
that too much interaction withothers will lead to catastrophic
depletion internally.
So like, Their internal batterywill just go to zero and they
can't replenish it.
So they're going to hold on totheir resources and minimize
their needs.
But what they long for, theircore longing, what they long to
hear is your needs are not aproblem.
(07:07):
So here's some opportunities foryou to affirm the type five in
your life.
When you see that they are beinganalytical, persevering, their
sensitivity, their wisdom, beingobjective, perceptive, and
curious.
But there are times when typefives will struggle and they're
going to need yourencouragement.
Um, one, whenever they'reintellectually arrogant,
(07:28):
sometimes they can come across avery sharp with people.
They can be stingy withresources, perhaps stubborn and
not wanting to open up theirlives to other people.
They can be distant, sometimescritical of others, unassertive
and cynical.
Now those are opportunities, notnecessarily just to criticize
your spouse, but actuallyopportunities to move towards
(07:49):
them, um, because their heartsare misaligned with the truth of
the gospel.
So here are some great ways thatyou can remind type fives of the
truth of the gospel.
First of all, type fives aretempted to think that it's
isolated time alone that we'llbe able to replenish them when
in reality, Jesus says, I'm theway, the truth, and the life.
(08:10):
And so replenishment comesthrough Christ in relationships
whenever they feel depleted.
Next, remind them that God gavethem the incredible gift of
observing the world andconceptualizing it.
Now that's really importantbecause it's a gift, it's a gift
that's intended to be given toothers.
(08:30):
Why?
To remind them that the worldneeds them to observe it.
Insert their presence toconfidently and assertively step
into the world with theknowledge and the resources they
have because they are atremendous asset and gift to
people and to also remind themthat Christ never intrudes in on
them, but instead offers themdeep freedom that they can't
(08:54):
find anywhere else.
That's so good.
Also, their communication style,when they're actually aligned
with the truth of the gospel,and they're doing really well,
they're very respectful, nonintrusive, they're curious,
observant, and they engage instimulating conversation with
others.
But when they're struggling, uh,type fives, their communication
style can be that they're overlybrief, cold, like you said,
(09:18):
Jeff, intellectually arrogant,and they might withdraw and
detach when they feel that rock.
Relational obligations are beingplaced on them that they don't
want to enter.
Well, how can you improvecommunication with a type five
in your life?
Well, first, keep theconversations focused on facts
and specific details.
(09:38):
You want to understand thatfives, they, they're not going
to just drum up thoughts andemotions on the spot.
They take time to think andprocess and gather information.
And so give them that time toprocess.
And then.
Enable them to fully expressthemselves when they're ready.
In form fives, how long youthink that conversation is going
(09:58):
to take.
If you think this is going to bea quick conversation that you
just need to cover somethingversus a really long
conversation that you guys needto have, let them know so they
can manage their internalreservoir and resources.
And then ask them, Hey, where'syour internal battery?
Are you at 70 percent tointeract and have a
(10:19):
conversation, or are you down to5%?
And you need to go recharge sothat we can have that meaningful
conversation.
Show them that you.
understand that that internalbattery can get depleted very
quickly and that you're there tohelp them to recharge in any way
you can.
So here are a few things to keepin mind when you're relating to
a type five when you're in atense conversation and conflict.
(10:43):
Uh, one, Beth just mentionedthis about Asking them how you
can demonstrate that you careabout their needs.
And one of the ways is justasking where they're at in
regards to their energy level,or maybe even setting up a
separate time when they feellike they're going to be at
their best to be able to have ameaningful conversation.
(11:04):
You, you might want to tell themUm, what you want to discuss in
advance so that they're notsurprised and give them time and
space to be able to digest andprocess.
Now let's talk about what itmeans for five to digest and
process.
What they're going to receivemore, um, than big emotions and
big energy is that you are gonnaneed to come prepared with.
(11:27):
Logic and reason and data.
So there's going to be some workon your part in order to serve
them.
Well, be sure to make sure thatyou come with bullet points and
brief and straightforward, um,reasons are always best whenever
relating to a type five inconflict.
Great.
And then last but not least ishow to show the type five in
(11:50):
your life love.
Well, A great thing is to beindependent and not clingy, to
show them that you can hold yourown because that's what they're
doing.
But they also have this internalthought that their needs are a
problem.
Let them know that their needsare not a problem, that you're
there to serve and love themwell.
And then give them some space,time and privacy to recharge
(12:13):
without interruption and withoutinterruption is so key because
it's kind of like when we plugour phone in at the end of the
day, and we're letting itrecharge if we just unplug it
after five minutes.
It didn't do anything.
And so for the five, they reallyneed that uninterrupted time to
recharge, to think and processtheir thoughts and feelings
because during the day they'veactually put their thoughts and
(12:35):
especially their feelings to theside and they need that time to
go through them to then processand be ready for that relational
connection later.
Well Fives, we love you, we'reso thankful for you.
You mean a lot to us, and so wehope that this was helpful in
helping the others in your lifeto love you well.
Well, let's look at how to havea fantastic relationship with a
(12:58):
Type 4.
Yeah, so Type 4s, their coremotivations, the core fear of
the Type 4 is being inadequate,emotionally cut off, defective,
and mundane.
But their core desire is to beunique, special, authentic,
significant, and original.
(13:18):
But they struggle with the coreweakness of envy.
And this is where they feel thatthey're tragically flawed.
And there's somethingfoundational Missing inside them
and that others possess thequalities that they feel like
they're lacking.
And so I talk about this forwith people is that, you know,
when you put a puzzle together,you know, at the very end,
you're excited, you're almostdone, but you find there's a
missing piece in the middle andyou're like, Oh, it was almost
(13:40):
there.
That's kind of how a four feelsinside.
They feel like there's somethingtragically missing and flawed.
And what they long to hear,their core longing is you are
seen for exactly who you are,special and unique.
Well, here's some areas whereyou can affirm and encourage,
um, your type four spouse.
One, when they're at their bestand they're authentic,
(14:03):
compassionate.
introspective, expressive,creative, supportive, and
refined.
But sometimes fours are going tostruggle a bit, and their
heart's going to get misalignedwith the truth of the gospel.
And so what that's going to looklike is they're going to be
withdrawn, they may haveexaggerated moods, they may be
depressed, self pitying,moralistic, self absorbed, and
(14:25):
opposed.
Possessive.
Now when these things show up,this isn't a time for you just
to criticize or to withdraw yourpresence, but rather to move
towards them with kindness, withpatience, with curiosity to
understand what's happening andto offer the kind of
encouragement that we're goingto talk about in here in a
little bit on how to affirm andlove them whenever they're
struggling.
(14:46):
Well, whenever certain negativethings may be happening in your
relationship with a type 4,these are actually opportunities
to remind them of the truth ofthe gospel.
So be sure to remind them thatChrist didn't make any mistakes.
I remember a phrase fromseminary, God does not make junk
and he doesn't junk what he hasmade.
Christ made them uniquely andspecifically and to remind them
(15:10):
that they are flawless andbeautiful.
Remind them that theirtenderness, that their raw
emotions and their empathyactually reflect Christ and can
bless others.
Now remind them also that theirability to sit with others as
others experience suffering andgrief captures the heart of
(15:32):
Christ for others in a verytangible way.
And then remind them that theircreativity as well as an
expression of Christ is theircreator and that by expressing
their creativity, they become aninstrument of blessing in the
lives of others.
And the communication style whena type four is doing well, when
they know who they are inChrist, they're going to be
(15:52):
Super authentic and deep, andthey're going to express their
emotions with this inner balancethat Christ has demonstrated for
us.
They're empathetic, and they'reincredible listeners, especially
when others are sad, suffering,or in grief.
Now, a four, when they'restruggling, their communication
style is that they can be moody,emotionally intense, explosive,
(16:14):
or maybe even cold and detached,where they might be
condescending and steer theconversation to focus in on
themselves.
Yeah.
And then how to improvecommunication with a type four
is first to express your own.
own emotions more openly todevelop that solid and
meaningful emotionalrelationship with the four, but
(16:34):
be authentic and real and makesure that your communication
with a type four doesn't justget stale, but it gets exciting
and deep and exploring differentfacets and different emotions.
Um, help your type four toexpress themselves with a, with
clarity and emotional balance.
They really are the heavylifters in the world of
(16:55):
emotions.
And then express what you admireand appreciate about your four.
Don't try to change them, butmirror back how beautifully they
reflect Christ and how Christwas emotional as well.
There's some great opportunitiesto be able to move conflict, um,
from harmful to helpful wheneveryou're relating to a type four.
(17:16):
Uh, the first thing is this, tobe patient.
It can take fours quite a whileto be able to express and give
words the depth of theiremotions and in a full way.
And so you're going to bringpatience to allow them to be
able to encapsulate that andcommunicate it.
Number two, reassure them andlisten until they've completely
(17:36):
finished expressing themselvesso that they feel valued and
validated.
Lastly, it may be helpful toparaphrase what they're
communicating to you whenthey're done sharing to make
sure that you understand them.
Remember that one of theirdifficulties, one of their core
fears is to be misunderstood orto feel so unique that they are
fundamentally flawed and youjust want to paraphrase back to
(17:57):
them and assure them I'mlistening to you and everything
is fine.
If you didn't understand themcorrectly, As for clarification,
just be honest about it ratherthan trying to deny it or look
away from it.
And keep trying to repeat untilyou understand them and that
they feel understood.
Lastly, and most importantly,don't suggest to them or tell
(18:18):
them that they're being overlysensitive.
Yeah.
So how to show love to the typefour in your life, be tender,
empathetic, and understandingwithout trying to change them
into what you want them to be.
(18:38):
See them for who they are.
See them for what God has madethem to be and acknowledge it
and show appreciation to them.
Now don't flatter them.
They can, they want authenticityand realness.
But show them, encourage them,reinforce that there is nothing
missing inside them, that Godcreated them exactly the way he
wanted to, beautiful, special,and unique, and then offer them
(19:02):
the ability to expressthemselves with creativity,
vision, and deep intuition, andthen allow them the space to
feel their emotions.
Encourage them to see Christ inthe Gospels and how Christ was
emotional, but used his emotionswith balance.
We love you fours.
We're so thankful for you in ourlife, and we hope that this will
(19:25):
help those in your life to loveyou better.
Great.
So let's move on to type three,Bethy.
All right.
So type three is the coremotivations of the type three.
The core fear is being afailure, incompetent, worthless,
inefficient, and not admirable.
But your core desire is to besuccessful, efficient, valuable,
(19:46):
and admired.
Now this can go into the coreweakness of deceit.
But deceit for you really meansthat you're deceiving yourself
into believing that you're onlythe image you present to others.
So you feel this need toembellish the truth by putting
on a polished persona foreveryone to see and admire.
What you long to hear is thatyou are loved for simply being
(20:09):
you.
So here's some ways to affirmyour type three that's in your
life.
One, when threes are at theirbest, they are optimistic, self
affirming, industrious,efficient, self propelled,
energetic, goal oriented, andteam building.
But, they also have this otherside to them that can be
(20:30):
surprising to people, but thisis an opportunity, as I've said
before, for you to engage, notnecessarily withdraw, nor to
simply criticize.
So when you see a Type 3struggling, you're going to see
deceptiveness.
You're going to see them selfpromote.
They might be pretentious orvain, superficial, exploitative,
(20:50):
overly competitive, and aworkaholic.
These are signs that theirhearts are misaligned with the
truth of the gospel and itpresents an opportunity for you
as their spouse to be able toengage them with kindness and
compassion.
So how to point Type 3 back tothe truth of the gospel?
Well, number one, remind themthat their value and their worth
are not tied up in theiraccomplishments.
(21:12):
But it's tied up in what Christhas accomplished on their
behalf.
Secondly, be patient with themas they begin to learn that they
can be loved simply for beingthemselves.
They've Always felt this need toperform.
So you being kindly and warmlypresent with them whenever
success hasn't been achieved,when there's, they've
(21:33):
experienced failure is going tobe a real gift for them to be
able to authentically andhonestly share what they're
feeling.
Next, be their biggestencourager as they discover
their true and authentic self.
Be able to support them wheneverit emerges and be an instrument
of Christ of assurance andaffirmation Because it's gonna
(21:54):
be scary for them.
And then lastly just as Christdelights in them and who they
are So delight in them as well,show them that you affirm and
see how God has uniquely createdthem.
But when they're misaligned withthe truth of the gospel, their
communication style can be wherethey're more self promoting and
(22:15):
patient with emotional orlengthy conversations.
They might get angry or shortand frustrated when things
aren't going quite the way thatthey want, and their image might
be tarnished and they're notgoing to be as willing to
disclose what's really going oninside them.
And then how you can improveyour communication with a type
three is recognized when they'reworking.
(22:36):
Usually when threes are working,they're very dialed in and
focused.
It's not the greatest time tointerrupt them for some deep
conversation, but when you areneeding to have a conversation,
be very specific and clear aboutwhat your needs are.
And even give real clearexamples so that they know what
it is that you're wanting.
So they can accomplish it to beambivalent or to just not be
(23:00):
clear, can be really hard andfrustrating to them because they
don't know what they need to donext.
Also encourage and affirm them.
This is so important to showthat you support each other.
And you love them and that yousee how hard they work, be
positive and then develop withthem a clear outline and goals
and steps that you guys can doto have positive outcomes for
(23:23):
your relationship.
Here's some suggestions abouthow to relate to a type three
when you're in conflict orhaving a type two relationship.
contentious conversation.
Number one, come with a problemsolving approach.
They're not interested in justtalking about emotions.
They want solutions.
Next, keep your emotions inbalance.
Don't get exaggerated in yournegativity or pessimistic
(23:46):
emotions.
It's not going to go very farwhenever you're relating to a
type three.
Next, reiterate that they areloved for who they are and not
just what they do.
Affirm them on the good thatthey did accomplish, so that
they're not left wondering.
Next, show them love andacceptance for whenever they
show their authentic and trueself, rather than simply just
(24:07):
dwelling on their image andtheir successes.
Next, focus on the positive waysthat the three can address your
concerns instead of focusing ontheir negative qualities or
their failures.
And then lastly, remind thethree specifically why and how
they are uniquely valuable.
And then last, but definitelynot least, how to show the type
(24:27):
three in your life love.
Well, recognize that threes deepdown feel like they have to do
in order to receive love.
So this is a great opportunityfor you to show them that you
love them for simply being them,but they don't have to
accomplish anything.
Now, of course, we still want toaffirm their accomplishments,
but we want them to know it'snot just their accomplishments
that why you love them.
(24:48):
So I love you for simply beingyou is a great way to show them
love.
When you're talking, keep theconversations constructive and
your feedback positive ratherthan overly critical or
emotional, and then provide apeaceful and tidy atmosphere
where they can thrive.
Remind them that their worth isnot in what they accomplished,
but what Christ accomplished forthem, and that you are right
(25:12):
there for them.
Alongside them, supporting themand encouraging them as they
move into their genuine andauthentic self.
Hey, we love the type threes inour lives.
And one thing that I, I wish Ihad maybe said earlier in the
podcast is that, you know, theseare suggestions and, um, in some
ways they may be a little bit,uh, stereotypical of a type or
consistent with a type, butthese are opportunities to have
(25:34):
conversations.
So type threes, we hope this isgoing to help, um, The other
people in your life learn how tolove you better, but be sure to
add to the list and be able totalk specifically about who you
are and how they can relate toyou.
Well, type twos, you're up.
Yeah.
And each time we say, Oh, welove you type, whatever.
I'm like, yeah, I may all of asudden a flood of all my
(25:54):
friends.
That's Exactly.
Co workers and family flood mymind.
So type twos, you know, ourdaughters are type twos, so of
course, you know, we love typetwos.
Um, now the core motivations ofthe type two is the core fear of
being unloved, worthless, needy,rejected, and unwanted.
The core desire of the type twois that they want to be loved,
(26:15):
wanted, and loved.
and appreciate it, but they canstruggle with the core weakness
of pride.
And this is where twos are goingto deny their own needs and
emotions while focusing on theemotions and needs of others and
then confidently inserting theirhelpful support in hopes that
others will show theirappreciation and gratitude.
Now the type twos have a corelonging to hear you are wanted
(26:38):
and loved.
You don't have to serve andhelp.
You are just love for who youare.
Here are some particularbehaviors that you're going to
see whenever a type two isaligned with the truth of the
gospel, because twos at theirbest are loving, compassionate,
nurturing, generous, supportive,hospitable, and empathetic.
(26:59):
And those are opportunities foryou to affirm the type two.
But type twos can strugglesometimes.
And what that's going to looklike is intrusiveness.
They can be martyr like,manipulative, possessive.
Sometimes they can be aflatterer, overly needy, and or
overly accommodating.
Those are opportunities for youto come alongside the two to
remind them of the truth of thegospel and how much Christ
(27:22):
values them.
Well, when you see that yourtype two spouse is, um, is
having difficulty or they'restruggling, here's a couple ways
in which you can, uh, help atype two to be, to be reminded
of the truth of the gospel.
First, remind them that they areloved and cherished and cared
for by Christ.
(27:42):
We love because Christ firstloved us.
We serve because Christ firstserved us.
The compassion that we havereceived is the compassion we
give to others.
Type two.
Be reminded that it is Christwho has first loved you.
Next, remind them that Christtook excellent care of his own
needs and emotions by timesseparating from the crowds,
(28:05):
separating from the apostles,and spending time with his
Father alone.
Encourage your type 2 spouse tomake time, make a plan for their
own self care.
Next, remind them that all theblessings that God has given
them, all the assurances thatsay, you are mine and you are
deeply loved.
(28:27):
Lastly, remind them how valuablethey are simply for being them,
and not valued simply because ofwhat they do for others.
Lastly, They don't need to earnthe love of others, nor earn the
love of Christ, because he iseverything for them by love.
Yeah.
And then when they are alignedwith the truth of the gospel,
(28:47):
their communication style is onewhere they are phenomenal.
So let's talk about what this isall about.
So what is a passive aggressive?
They ask incredible questions.
They have a warm presence, givehelpful guidance and are
compassionate and empatheticlisteners.
Now, of course, when they're notdoing as well, their
communication style can be wherethey're actually either passive
aggressive or can actually bevery direct and give unsolicited
(29:11):
advice.
And then when they feel thatthey've helped too much, that
they're constantly giving andnever receiving, they can kind
of get angry and complain aboutit.
And then how to improvecommunication with a type two in
your life.
Make sure that you connect withyour type two before anything
else.
Make sure that you see them,that you give them the love and
(29:34):
the encouraging tone to set thestage.
And then if there is somethingthat you need to say that It
might not land on them well,make sure you use the sandwich
method.
And the sandwich method is wherethe top bun layer is lots of
encouragement and affirmation.
Then you might need to say whatneeds to be said, but you still
do it with love and affection,which is the meat of it.
(29:54):
And then at the bottom bun isagain, affirmation,
encouragement, and pointing themto the gospel.
And so you want to do this.
in a way that helps them to notfeel shame and rejection, which
is some of their core fears.
Help reinforce your love and howyou want to walk alongside them
and support them in every way.
Great.
(30:14):
Here's some suggestions abouthow to relate to a type two
whenever you're in conflict.
Number one, be patient andreceptive, giving them time to
be able to express theiremotions and to be able to
process externally.
Next, be patient.
Paraphrase what they've said tomake sure that you've heard them
accurately.
If you didn't hear them right,be sure to ask some clarifying
questions.
(30:35):
This shows them that you seek tounderstand them and that you
value their thoughts.
Next, make every effort not touse accusatory words or body
language that can shame, hurt,or close off highly sensitive
twos.
Twos fear rejection and anyverbal or nonverbal
communication that proves thatrejection is coming, they're
(30:56):
going to shut down.
And then lastly, take the timeto focus on their thoughts and
feelings with curiosity.
They often have given themselvesto all kinds of people,
particularly whenever they'reactivated internally.
And so to move towards them withencouragement and affirmation is
going to be very helpful in atime of conflict.
And then last but not least, howto show the type two in your
(31:17):
life love.
First, demonstrate.
that you love them and tell themspecifically what you love and
appreciate about them.
There is so much we can offerour twos in this area because
they do so much, but moreimportantly, let them know that
you love them unconditionally.
It's not based off of what theydo, but just who they are.
Take the time to ask them abouttheir life feelings and their
(31:40):
needs, because they're alwaysasking about others and they
might deflect it.
So be patient and make sure youreroute the conversation back to
being curious about them andsurprise them with creative
gifts and time together.
You, if you just take Um, sometime to back up and think about
all that twos do.
(32:00):
They have this superpower ofknowing what others need and
want and giving it to them.
We need to do the same withthem.
Now it might not be oursuperpower, but let's take the
time to see what would the twoin my life love, and then let's
offer it to them and then removeany hindrances that are keeping
your two from taking care ofthemselves and make sure they
come back to Christ and soak inthe deep, unconditional love and
(32:25):
affirmation they have with Him.
So twos, we absolutely love you.
We're so thankful for you andthe presence you have in our
life.
Twos have had a such asignificant contribution to our
lives.
We're so grateful.
Alrighty, type ones, you'renormally first, but you're
number one in our hearts.
So last but not least, yeah,type ones, the core motivations.
(32:47):
That you have is the core fearof being bad, evil, corruptible,
and wrong.
You have a core desire to haveintegrity, to be good, ethical,
moral, and right.
And the core weakness that youhave is resentment.
And this is where you'rerepressing anger that leads to
continual frustration anddissatisfaction with yourself
(33:07):
and others.
Well, here's some ways to seewhether your type one spouse is
at their best or at their worstwhen they're aligned with the
truth of the gospel ormisaligned with the truth of the
gospel.
When their hearts are aligned,they are ethical, reliable,
(33:29):
productive, wise, idealistic.
Conscientious and selfdiscipline.
These are things to affirm in atype 1.
It means they're doing well.
They're at their best But theydo have a darker side where they
can become more judgmental andflexible, dogmatic, critical of
others Uptight, controlling, andpicky.
(33:49):
Now what's interesting about atype 1 is that if these
behaviors are showing up That'sbecause they've been that
critical of themselves thatinflexible towards themselves
that they're that dogmatictowards themselves.
Now it's coming out towards you.
So this is an opportunity.
Although all love will demandsacrifice, this is an
(34:10):
opportunity for you to movetowards them, even if it may be
uncomfortable for you.
Here are some ways in which youcan point to type one back to
the truth of the gospel.
Number one, remind them thatthere is no more condemnation
for those who are in ChristJesus.
That despite the voice in theirhead, the inner critic, that
(34:30):
reminds them of all the ways inwhich they didn't live up to the
standard, in Christ there is nomore condemnation.
Next, remind them that when Godlooks at them, He only sees
Christ's perfect righteousnessimputed to them.
They are clothed in hisrighteousness and so God will
(34:50):
never bring back up theirfailure but rather he intends to
restore and will ultimatelyrestore them whenever he
returns.
Next, be quick to mirror Christby being gracious merciful and
forgiving.
Next, demonstrate that youunderstand that their inner
critic is constantly assaultingthem, being kind and patient
(35:15):
with them as they try todifferentiate the voice between
their inner critic and who theHoly Spirit is for them,
reminding them of all theassurances that we have in
Christ.
Lastly, ask for forgiveness fromyour type one spouse when
appropriate.
It's going to help them toforgive and to be able to move
forward.
And it's an opportunity for themto be reminded of the
(35:36):
forgiveness and grace that theyhave received in Christ.
And when they are doing well,their communication style is
that they're very honest,poised, polite, sincere, and
they've have well thought outideas and opinions.
And they make sure that goodnessprevails for everyone.
(35:56):
Now, when they're not alignedwith the truth of the gospel,
they can struggle in theircommunication style.
And this is where they can speakin more of a teaching,
correcting and judgmental wayand become easily irritated,
opinionated, and show theirdispleasure more visibly.
Now, some ways that you can, uh,improve communication with a
type one in your life is torealize that they're not
(36:19):
searching for imperfections.
See imperfections leap out atthem and their inner critic sees
it and assaults them with what'swrong.
So demonstrate great empathy.
Towards them, acknowledging thatthey, and that you understand
that they suffer under a veryspiteful inner critic and ask
them how you can help relievethe burdens of that inner
(36:42):
critic.
And obviously prayer for them isa great way.
And to reassure them of what thegospel says about them.
So don't commit a suicidethinking that the type one is
just out there trying to judgeyou.
Remember that inner critic isberating them, which might flow
outward.
But also remember the heart of aone is to give advice, to help
(37:05):
those that they love and tobring goodness to the world.
Here are some ways in which youcan relate to a Type 1 whenever
you're in conflict or have,having a contentious
conversation.
Number one, Take a problemsolving approach.
Be practical in your solutionsabout how to deal with the
issue.
Sometimes that they, uh, theydon't want to focus on emotions.
(37:29):
Next, keep the conversationproductive and instead of
demanding emotional responses,to look towards a problem
solving approach.
Next, discuss issues reasonablywith your peers.
Relying on wisdom, insights, andfacts.
It's really going to help themto be able to process what's
happening relationally.
Next, provide structure to theconversation so it doesn't get
(37:52):
lost.
It stays logical and consistent.
Listen to the one's thoughts.
Listen to their criticism, theirjudgments, without assuming an
intention to hurt you.
Oftentimes, it may come outsideways, but they're actually
trying to help.
And beginning with anaffirmation or giving them the
benefit of the doubt, it canreally be helpful.
But also remember one, sometimeswhat you think is a gift to
(38:15):
others really does land onother, on others harshly.
Next, discuss the issues and thefacts at hand, avoiding personal
criticism and attacks.
And then lastly, demonstrateyour awareness of their inner
critics never ending list bybeing gentle, kind, gracious,
and a good listener.
And last but not least, how toshow the type one in your life.
(38:35):
Love first, take your ownresponsibilities seriously.
Then, point out how good,responsible, and thorough the
Type 1 is in your life.
Understand that criticism is asign that their inner critic is
tormenting them, and that youlove them, and that Christ loves
them.
Ask for forgiveness quickly whenyou've done something that needs
(38:57):
reconciliation.
And then remind your type one ofChrist, unconditional love, his
grace, and how, what he hasdone, his life, death and
resurrection erases their sinsand gives them his righteousness
so that they are free and theycan be childlike.
So type ones, we are so thankfulfor you.
(39:17):
You bring us wisdom and insightand clarity in so many areas
where we absolutely need it.
So thank you.
Well, we're so glad that youjoined us over these last two
episodes, and we really do hopethat this has been a helpful
resource for you, not onlypersonally being able to help
your spouse love you more.
We also hope that this has beena great resources for you,
(39:40):
spouses, for you to express yourfaith through love as you have
come to understand what'shappening underneath the hood of
your spouse, to be able to movetowards them with understanding,
compassion and encouragement.
We really suggest that you guys.
Check out our book, Becoming Us,where it is a tool to help you
to create a thriving gospelcentered marriage using the tool
(40:01):
of the Enneagram.
It's all about seeing Christ ineach other with compassion and
empathy and grace.
The back of the book holds thismap.
For each other.
A lot of points that we pointedout today, you'll get to see
back there.
So go check out that book atbecomingus.
com.
Plus a lot of these resourcesand more are in our course
(40:22):
called Becoming Us as well atbecomingus.
com.
And here's the cool thing.
It's not just one course, thereare 45 courses because there are
45 couple types.
We dialed in our coursespecifically for the two of you.
And we can't wait for you guysto hear how to love each other.
Well, from.
(40:43):
Well, we're so thankful thatyou've spent these last two
episodes with us and we hopethat you found it helpful for
your relationships.
We look forward to be able toprovide you with more resources,
uh, to help your personal growthand your relationships and your
professional life with theinsights of the Enneagram
through the lens of the gospel.
So thankful that you joined usand we hope to see you next time
for our next episodes.
Beth (41:04):
All right.
We'll see you guys then.
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