November 11, 2024 • 52 mins
In this episode, Beth and Jeff begin a two-part series on the marriage dance—the relational dynamics between two Types. If you’re currently single or dating, you can apply this series to all your important relationships.
In this podcast, you will learn:
- How to understand the inner world of Type 9, 8, 7, and 6
- How to have compassion for yourself and your partner
- How to affirm and encourage one another
Relationships are very complex. Not everyone grows in the same way, at the same speed, or in the same areas. But by using the Enneagram, as seen through the lens of the gospel, you CAN have a fantastic marriage!
Becoming Us - https://www.becomingus.com/
We have many more amazing Enneagram for Moms resources at www.enneagramformoms.com.
FREE Enneagram resources here: https://www.yourenneagramcoach.com/podcastresources
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#Enneagram #PersonalityTypes #EnneagramCoach
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Beth (00:00):
He doesn't listen to me.
Jeff (00:01):
How did, I just don't understand her.
Beth (00:03):
Why are we in the same fight all the time?
Hey everyone.
This is Beth and this is yourEnneagram coach, the podcast.
And today we're going to discusshow to use the Enneagram through
the lens of the gospel toprovide practical steps,
insights, and tools to betterunderstand yourself and each
other.
Well, a few years ago, wereleased several resources on
(00:24):
the Enneagram and marriage, ourfirst being our book called
Becoming Us.
using the Enneagram to create athriving gospel marriage.
But also we developed 45courses.
Yes, 45 because there are 45different couple type
combinations and we made one foreach couple type customized.
Jeff (00:44):
So when you're driving into the 45 different couple
types, it reveals a lot.
And I remember when we wereworking on the type nine and the
type six relationship, we werejust shocked by how once again
the Enneagram was so accurate indescribing our, what we call the
dance, which is the relationaldynamics between two Enneagram
types.
Well, in this episode, We'regoing to begin a two part series
(01:06):
on the marriage dance, thoserelational dynamics between the
two types.
And if you're currently singleor dating, you can apply this
series to all of your importantrelationships in this podcast,
you're going to learn how tounderstand the inner world of
the type nine, eight, seven, andsix, how to have compassion for
yourself and your partner, howto affirm and encourage one
(01:27):
another.
Hey, relationships are verycomplex.
Not everyone grows in the sameway and at the same speed or in
the same areas.
But by using the Enneagram asseen through the lens of the
gospel, you can have thefantastic relationship that
you've always desired.
Now this idea of the dance andwe've created an illustration
using an infinity loop and alsosome biblical principles that
(01:49):
we've learned along the way.
It encapsulates three essentialelements of moving towards a
thriving gospel centeredmarriage.
So I want you to kind of keep inmind this idea of an infinity
loop.
But then also draw a line downthe middle of it horizontally,
where there's something abovethe line and something below the
line.
(02:09):
Well, what are these threeessentials?
Number one is this is that ourfocus should be on our hearts
and not on our behavior.
Luke 644 says, Jesus tells usout of the overflow of the
heart, the mouth speaks.
Speaks, James four, one, whatcauses spikes and quarrels among
you?
Don't they come from the desiresthat wage war in your hearts?
You see, the reality is that ourrelationship begins in our
(02:30):
hearts more than just ourbehavior in the dance, which is
an infinity loop captures thecore motivations for each type
in the circle portions of theloop.
Our desires are what compel us,what move us.
And if you think of a linethrough the middle of the loop
horizontally, you see that nowyou have both what's happening
(02:51):
below the surface, what'shappening in our heart or what's
happening above the line in ourbehavior.
And if you could see me rightnow, you would see me working my
hands trying to illustrate thisfor you.
With just words, but here's thesecond thing that the dance
captures is that ourrelationships help to reveal
what's going on in our hearts,but what's also important, not
(03:12):
only do the do situationsactivate our core motivations
and thus our personalities andhow we want to secure our
motivations.
But we do so with our spouses.
So our spouse contributes to thedynamics to the experiences that
we are having.
And so the infinity loopcaptures this dynamic where
something happens where the twoloops come together.
(03:34):
I have an interpretation orresponse to it.
I say or do something and thenthat lands on Beth in a
particular way.
And so this infinity loop reallydoes capture some of the
dynamics that happen between twoEnneagram types.
And then lastly, and mostimportantly, and something that
we have always taught from thebeginning, that the Enneagram is
(03:55):
a helpful tool for understandingourselves and our spouses, but
it's only the gospel that canchange us.
You see, observation does notmean transformation.
And so we're able to coachcouples how the gospel can
fundamentally change us at thelevel of our hearts and our core
motivations.
Transcribed That then changesboth how we interpret
(04:17):
situations, how we react tothose interpretations, and then
engage with our spouse.
Beth (04:21):
Yeah, that's so true.
And so in this episode, whatwe're wanting to do is provide
you with some coaching on how tohave a fantastic relationship
with any Enneagram type.
Now, of course, we're talkingabout marriage and with becoming
us, but really it's anyrelationship that you have with
another person.
But here's a few things that wewant you to remember.
(04:44):
Please don't commit a suicide.
Well, what is that?
Well, it's when we assumeincorrectly other people's
thoughts, feelings, and motivesincorrectly, and we place that
on them.
Well, we have to realize thatthe way we see the world and
interpret it It isn't alwaysaccurate for that other person,
and we can commit a suicide,which hurts harms and can even
(05:06):
destroy relationships.
So let's take a step back andask clarifying questions before
we commit a suicide.
But we also want to realize thatwe can't change our spouse.
And I know I've tried that many,many times, right, Jeff?
Jeff (05:22):
That's right.
It's a temptation of all of us,isn't it?
Because we, we're in such closeproximity that we see something
that our spouse may bestruggling in.
Sometimes it comes from a gooddesire to want to help.
Sometimes it comes from anegative one that we want them
to stop doing something.
I know this to be true in ourrelationship.
I remember whenever we wereattending seminary back in the
(05:42):
late 90s, I remember apologizingto Beth.
Having really turned away fromthe simple truth that Jesus who
began a good work in her is theone who's going to carry it to
completion.
I don't need to pick up thebaton because he never dropped
it and made it myresponsibility.
So I apologize to Beth fortrying to make her into
(06:02):
something that she wasn'tintended to be rather than
joining God in the work that hehad already begun.
Beth (06:09):
And also I would say in seminary for me, um, in that
same kind of scope was I feltlike God was very clear with me.
Like Beth, I know that you wantJeff to change and be, let's
say, 10 steps down thetransformational path.
And, you know, that's what I waspraying for, but I felt like the
Holy Spirit was saying, youknow, If I wanted Jeff there
right now, I could totally makethat happen.
(06:30):
Please be patient with myprocess and plan for Jeff.
Keep praying for him, but knowthat I have him right where I
want him.
And so that was just reallyhumbling for me to just hand
over Jeff to God and trust Godin that process.
Now, the third thing that wewant you guys to remember, and
this is so important in how youuse the Enneagram, and a lot of
(06:51):
people don't do this right, butwe don't want to use the
Enneagram as a sword or ashield.
Well, what do I mean by that?
Well, we don't want to use it asa sword or a dagger or something
that harms other people.
And that could be by joking,sarcasm, belittling, or just
anything.
Just outright being mean, Oh,you're being such a five, or
you're such a six, or I can'tbelieve you did that.
(07:13):
You're such a whatever.
Those kinds of things, or evenjust laughing about it, can
really harm other people.
This is the most exposing peopleare going to be when you're
using the Enneagram.
So we want to be very carefuland gentle and mindful of
others.
But we also don't want to use ashield where we're like, well,
you know, I'm a nine.
Sometimes I procrastinate, Jeff,you're just going to have to
(07:33):
deal with it.
We don't use it as a shield.
If anything, the gospel calls usto growth, to become more like
Christ, to surrender and dependon the Holy Spirit as he works
in and through us.
Jeff (07:46):
So what we're going to be doing in this episode in the
next episode is talking abouthow to have a fantastic
relationship with any Enneagramtype.
So this is really going to beimportant as it comes to a sword
and a shield, because you knowwhat?
We're going to show you how toaffirm and love.
and care for how to communicateto your spouse in a very unique
and precise way.
(08:08):
Well, you're not going to beable to say, Hey, well, Beth,
you're a nine.
I thought I was supposed to betreating you this way.
Hey, relationships are verycomplex.
And just because we're tellingyou what the Enneagram says
doesn't necessarily mean thatthis is the fix all to all of
the relational issues.
And so you want to be kind, butthe goal here, the remember the
goal is mutual understanding.
(08:30):
Understanding to be able tounderstand how your spouse's
interior world works.
What happens when thosebehaviors come out of these
thoughts and feelingsinternally, how are you to
understand and how are you tounderstand how to relate to
them, how to care for them, howto communicate in a way that'll
be mutually enhancing.
(08:51):
Secondly, is compassion foryourself and for your spouse.
Compassion always trumpscriticism.
There is a path before you thatsimilar to how Paul talked about
our relationship with God, thatit's the Lord's kindness that
leads us to repentance.
Beth (09:09):
Yeah.
And so Jeff, what is that youstudied under, um, John Gottman,
and there was a ratio that Iremember you talking about a lot
about this.
Jeff (09:16):
Yeah.
So what Gottman started torealize is that some couples.
Entered into a conversationanticipating a negative
response.
He called it negative sentimentoverride.
And for those couples, theyactually call them disasters
versus masters.
But those disasters andrelationships, um, criticized
them more often.
Then affirmation.
(09:37):
As a matter of fact, he evencame down to a specific number
that five affirmations to onecriticism builds positivity in
your relationship where coupleswill anticipate a positive
outcome to the conversationsthat they have about meaningful
things.
So
Beth (09:52):
basically you're filling up someone's bank with positive,
um, affirmations andencouragement.
Because there are times that wehave to say the tough things or
have the hard conversations andwe're drawing a deposit, or
pulling out a withdrawal, butyou've already put so much
deposit in there.
Jeff (10:08):
And that's what all of this we're going to be going
through over the next couple ofepisodes are going to help you
to see opportunities to be ableto connect and extend compassion
and understanding to yourspouse.
And the last one is just thatencouragement and affirmation
that the Enneagram is going tohelp you to see when your spouse
is growing according to theirtype.
They're not going to grow in thesame way at the same speed and
(10:31):
in the same areas as you are.
You are both unique individualsand the beauty, the beauty of
your marriage is to affirm thosedifferences and enhance them.
We love, we love, love, lovethis quote from Tim Keller.
Yes, it's one of my favorites.
It totally is.
He says this in his book, theMeaning of Marriage Within The
(10:52):
Christian Vision of Marriage.
Here's what it means to fall inlove.
It is to look at another personand get a glimpse of what God is
creating and say.
I see who God is making you andit excites me.
I want to be part of that.
I want to partner with you andwith God in the journey you are
taking to his throne.
(11:13):
And when we get there, I willlook at your magnificence and
say, I always knew you could belike this.
I got a glimpse of it on earth,but now look at you.
Beth (11:23):
Gives me goosebumps every time.
I love that.
Yeah.
And so here's what we're goingto cover for you guys.
We're going to.
what we call walk the wheel,which we're going to go through
each type so you can hear how tolove others well, how to have a
great relationship with anyEnneagram type.
We're going to start with nineand head all the way down to
type one this, uh, in thisseries.
(11:45):
And so what we're going to coveris.
First and foremost, which is themost important thing is the core
motivations.
The core motivations are why weget activated positively or
negatively inside.
And those are going to be keyfor you to always remember.
And then we're going to talkabout each person's, at their
best and at their worst.
And then we're going to show youhow to relate to them, how to
(12:07):
remind that person of the gospeltruth for their personality
type, how to spur them on, howto improve communication with
them, how to relate to them inconflict.
And then last, but definitelynot least, how to show them
love.
for their personality style.
And a lot of times, you know, alot of you have done, um, the
five love languages.
(12:28):
And, you know, someone mightgive you, like, for instance,
someone might give me a gift andI'm like, oh, that's nice.
Well, that's not my top lovelanguage.
But if someone affirms me, man,I just feel like That is
awesome.
That means so much to me.
It's the same with theEnneagram.
Different types have differentways of relating.
And so we can learn how to lovewell and to serve well by
(12:50):
understanding, like Jeff saidjust a second ago, understanding
each of the types internalworld.
Jeff (12:56):
Now, as we get started, there's a variety of different
ways that you can walk the wheelof the Enneagram.
But for this particular episode,we're going to start with type
nine and And we're going to gobackwards to type 987654321,
Beth (13:09):
which will match our Instagram series.
Jeff (13:12):
That's right.
Be sure to go over to Instagramand follow us there because
we're going to be providing notonly some of this great content
for social media, but there'sgoing to be opportunities for
you to share.
You can tag your spouse so thatthey can see what's happening.
You can have a greatconversation
Beth (13:26):
or your parents, you name it.
Jeff (13:28):
So be sure to go ahead and follow us on Instagram where
we're going to be providingadditional con content, and then
you can also share it with yourspouse.
You can start conversations withone another and maybe even find
some other couples that are inthe same couple type as you are,
as you learn about how to loveone another well.
Beth (13:45):
Okay, so we're going to dive in type nine, which is my
type, and we'll start with thecore motivations.
And just to kind of give you abrief background, when you're
looking at that infinity loop inthe dance, which is in the
course Becoming Us for all 45couple types, the core
motivations are at the center ofwhat activates us and how we
think and feel.
So these are so important to beaware of.
(14:07):
This is why we think, feel, andbehave in particular ways.
So the core motivations for thetype nine is one is the core
fear.
The fear for the type nine isthat they are going to be in
some kind of conflict, any kindof tension, have separation from
others, being overlooked, shutout, or in discord with others
as well.
Now what they desire, their coredesire is to have inner
(14:30):
stability and peace of mind.
That's what they're alwaysstriving for.
Okay.
But their core weakness, thatAchilles heel, the thorn in
their side that they're going tostruggle with time and time
again, which is why we alwaysneed Jesus is sloth.
Now this isn't a physicallaziness.
This is where a nine is going toremain in an idealistic world.
Order to keep peace.
(14:51):
They're going to fall asleep totheir own passions, abilities,
needs, and worth, becausethey're going to merge with
others, passions, abilities, andneeds and desires so that they
can just keep the peace.
They go along to get along.
And so the sloth means a notknowing of oneself being slow to
know themselves.
Now, what they long to hear,which is called their core
longing is to hear yourpresence.
Jeff (15:15):
So this next section is about being at your best or at
your worst.
Now, the first thing that theseare opportunities for you to
affirm, to just let your spouseknow, your type 9 spouse, I see
you.
And type 9s at their best,they're pleasant, they're
peaceful, they're generous,patient, accepting.
Diplomatic open minded andempathetic now at times you're
(15:39):
gonna see your type 9 spouse maystruggle a little bit so they're
gonna need your Encouragement.
I can't tell you how bigencouragement is It is like
candy to a child.
How would
Beth (15:52):
you know this?
Jeff (15:54):
25 years.
This is the way it worksfriends.
Um, you can pay me for it laterUm, but whenever they're
struggling they're gonna appearspaced out forgetful stubborn
stubborn Just just sayingObsessive resigned maybe passive
(16:15):
aggressive judgmental andunassertive
Beth (16:19):
Yes, that is very true.
Jeff (16:20):
Well, here's some ways, whenever you see your type 9
spouse struggling, here are waysto point them to the truth of
the gospel.
First, remind them that they areso valuable to God, that He
intentionally sent His Son Tolive a hard but perfect life to
(16:42):
die and to bring them back intorelationship with him He went to
great lengths because hecherishes them deeply and wants
to be in relationship with thempersonally Remind them that god
has blessed them by giving themspecific gifts talents abilities
and desires Nines, not only Arethey overlooked?
(17:02):
by others, but they oftenoverlook themselves and for you
to see their unique abilitiesand gifts is a blessing to them
and reminds them that God isintimately woven them together
for a particular purpose.
He wants them to be fully awaketo themselves and to move
forward in their unique callingsto bless others.
Remind them and give themopportunity to assert their
(17:25):
voice and opinions that God hasblessed them with.
Often they may stay reserved,but by giving them an
opportunity, they end upblessing other people and they
come alive to what God is doingin their lives.
And then lastly, is to remindthem that not only do they
matter to God, but they matterto you.
Beth (17:44):
Yeah, that's so good.
Well, I know for us nines, wehave some really great
attributes when we communicate,um, when our heart is in a good
place.
So we, when we're aligned withthe truth of the gospel, we know
who we are in Christ.
When we're communicating, ourstyle of communication is that
we're going to be super kind andexcellent listener.
We're going to be easy to bewith.
(18:06):
We're receptive, nonjudgmental,peaceful, optimistic, warm, and
fully engaged with where peopleare in their life.
But when we're struggling andwe're not aligned with the truth
of the gospel, forgetting who weare, we can have a communication
style that is not so great,where we can kind of meander in
our talk style.
(18:26):
We have a hard time landing theplane.
We just kind of keep talkinguntil we figure out what we're
thinking or feeling.
And then we can also be passiveaggressive, because it's hard
for us just to say what we mean.
One, because there's like thisinternal fog going on inside.
And sometimes we don't even knowwhat we're thinking or feeling.
But if we do know we are afraidof conflict and tension, so we
(18:47):
might be passive aggressiveabout it.
But we can also be detached.
And as Jeff said several times,stubborn, and we want to avoid
conflict at all costs.
So we'll go along to get along.
Jeff (18:58):
You know, one of the interesting things about being
married to you for a whilethere, I can tell that you're
trying to land the plane, butyou can't quite get there.
So you've repeated it a coupleof times and we've developed a
little bit of a, an enhancingdance that maybe I'll come in
and just kind of make the, uh,declarative statement just to
kind of land the plane.
Even with, uh, we were talkingwith our son recently as he's
(19:20):
considering what options forschool and she goes, you know
what, maybe it's best for you totalk.
I think I'm just making thingsworse.
Beth (19:28):
I'm not, I'm not super clear yet on what I want to
communicate.
Yes.
Right.
Yeah.
And then how to improvecommunication with a type nine
in your life.
Well, we want you to develop asafe and warm connection with
your nine before you havedifficult conversations.
Um, the nines are going to wantto merge.
They're going to want to goalong to get along.
(19:48):
But if they know that Thatyou're receptive, you're open,
that you're going to listen,then they feel safe to connect
in that way.
So invite them to participate inthe problem solving process by
letting them know that you wantto hear from them.
That their opinion, their voice,their desires matter.
And so help the nine to feelcomfortable, inspired and
excited for change that canhappen in the relationship, but
(20:12):
don't put a lot of pressure onthem because then they can shut
down and get stubborn.
So be patient and kind,recognizing there's that
internal fog and help to drawthem out.
We'll be back after a quickbreak.
Okay friend, are you theEnneagram Enthusiast among all
your friends, family andcoworkers and they've asked you
(20:33):
to help them identify theirEnneagram type but you're not
really sure what to do?
Or maybe you're working with aclient or a patient and you
thought, if I just had theskills and the knowledge to help
them find their main Enneagramtype we would make so much more
progress.
Well, the great news is thatwe've created the Enneagram
Typing Specialist course.
(20:54):
And guess what?
I'm going to teach it live overZoom, and I'm going to teach you
everything that you need to knowto help someone identify their
main Enneagram type in justthree weekly modules.
Yep.
That means in less than 30 days,you can become a Typing
Specialist.
Registration is open until thisSunday at midnight, October
(21:16):
20th.
So don't miss out because thistraining will show you our
proven method for helping peoplediscover their correct Enneagram
type.
Join me by signing up today atyour Enneagram coach.
com forward slash typing stashspecialist, and I will see you
in class.
Jeff (21:39):
Well, this next section is on how to relate to a type nine
when there is conflict.
Now, the difficulty is, is thatnines have this Spidey sense
about conflict even beforeconflict happens.
I mean, I don't we don'tencourage you to type your pets
But our dog is a type 9 andbefore Beth and I even begin to
argue with our words She willget up and relieve the room.
(22:02):
She just knows Mom and dad areabout to get into it and the
same is true of our kids Well,here are some ways to relate to
a 9 whenever conflict comesabout First, inquire about their
frustration in a kind andreceptive manner.
Now, it's hard for nines torecognize their anger.
Secondly, it's hard for them toactually describe it with
(22:24):
specificity.
And so, be sure to inquire aboutit.
Ask good, clarifying questions,but do so in a kind, receptive
way.
Secondly, remain open.
Don't pressure them to comethrough in a specific way at a
specific time because they'llshut down.
And what's So surprising topeople is how stubborn, how
(22:46):
fixed, um, a type nine canbecome whenever they're put
under pressure.
Next is listen to them fully.
They, they can tell when you'renot really listening and it's
incredibly pain for them,painful for them, especially
whenever they're really floodedwith all kinds of emotions
inside.
Next, affirm them and cheer themon when they express themselves
(23:08):
directly.
Now, I know this sounds weirdand odd, but sometimes you need
to affirm their willingness toconfront you about stuff in your
life.
Why?
Because they finally use theirvoice and that's a big step for
them.
Now it's kind of hard to say,Hey Beth, thank you for seeing
that character defect in me.
Good job using your voice.
But seriously, you, it wouldbless a nine if you did that.
(23:29):
Uh, they would probably overlookthe character defect.
Then next validate theirperspective, especially when you
feel you need to sharealternative perspectives.
And then lastly demonstrateverbally and non verbally that
their perspective and theiropinions matter to you.
Beth (23:45):
Yeah.
Okay.
So how to show nines that youlove them?
Well, these are some reallygreat and helpful, um, tidbits
for you guys just to put in yourpocket and to pull out whenever
you can.
So remind your type nineverbally and non verbally that
their voice and presencematters.
And you might even want to askthem, like, sit down and say,
(24:05):
what kind of things would reallymean a lot to you?
What would communicate that yourpresence matters?
And just let them know.
Speak, and if they don't knowyet, that's okay.
Ask them to write it down.
Then demonstrate God's love forthem by being patient when
they're talking and you'relistening and they may not land
that plane so carefully andintentionally listen to them and
(24:29):
then give loads of encouragementand affirmation.
Here's the thing.
A lot of you might be frustratedwith your nine, like they're,
they're stubborn.
They're passive.
They're not growing fast enough.
Well, the more you harp on anine, the more stubborn and shut
down they get.
Think of it like a gray hound ona racetrack.
And there's that rabbit thatthey're chasing.
The rabbit is the encouragement.
(24:49):
And when you tell a nine, wow,thank you so much for doing
that.
Or I see that you did that.
You'll see the nine perk up,come alive, and they're going to
chase after that all the more.
So show them where they exceland you'll see them grow all the
more.
And then.
Give them bold and strong andinsertive encouragements.
Show them how they represent Godin such unique and special ways
(25:12):
and that you need them and theworld needs them to show up.
Jeff (25:17):
Well, there you go, man.
Now you know how to love a nine.
It's all put in a box, wrappedup with a bow.
Beth (25:23):
Well, and here's the thing.
That's why these courses are sogreat because we actually show
each couple type how to relateto the nine from their vantage
point.
That's right.
So
Jeff (25:33):
if you're another nine, if you're an eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one.
Yep.
We have a course that's going tohelp you to understand how to
relate to the type nine in yourlife from your specific type.
Beth (25:43):
Yeah, so it's really fun.
Jeff (25:45):
Great.
So type eights are next.
Beth (25:46):
Yeah.
Okay.
So type eights are protectivechallengers, the core
motivations for the type eight.
So why they think, feel andbehave in particular ways comes
from the core fear, which forthe eight is they fear being
weak, powerless, controlled,harmed and manipulated and
definitely fear being at themercy of injustice.
Now they desire to protectthemselves and those in their
(26:10):
inner circle.
And their inner circle isusually pretty small.
Now their core weakness, thatAchilles heel, that thorn in
their side that keeps popping upfrom time to time, which reminds
us we need Jesus.
Their core weakness is lust orexcess.
And this means that they have aconstant desire for intensity,
control, and power, where you'llfind them pushing themselves
(26:31):
willfully on life or with peoplein order to get what they
desire.
And this particular thing, I tryto help people understand AITS
better by seeing it as asnowplow, not a Ford pickup
truck with a little dinky shovelon the front.
No, we're talking about the bigdiesel snowplows that you find
in the Midwest and the Norththat plow a path on those
(26:52):
highways.
You can't get anywhere withoutthose things.
And so we want AIDS to use theirpower, use their intensity for
the good of others.
A great example that we believe,though we never asked him for
sure, so we don't want to sayhe's a type eight, but he seems
to be a healthy type eight isDr.
Martin Luther King Jr., where heplowed a path for the civil
(27:14):
rights movement.
And he did so in such anhonorable manner.
And so we need our aides to plowthat path.
We just don't want them to nickus on the side of the road or
plow over us.
And what you want, what theylong to hear their core longing
is to hear you will not bebetrayed.
Jeff (27:30):
So it's really interesting for, to be married to a type
eight, um, because in one sensethat they're, they don't
necessarily need a lot ofencouragement, but there are,
there is a path that an eightgoes down where that strength
becomes the very gift that theyoffer on behalf of others versus
against others.
(27:51):
And when that starts to happen,here's what it's going to look
like when type eights are attheir best.
They're compassionate, they'reinspiring, they're loyal,
energetic, empowering,protective, and self confident.
And when you start to see thesethings, be sure to name it, to
affirm it to them, to let themknow that you see what's
(28:12):
happening.
Because whenever aides areunhealthy, whenever they're not
aligned with the truth of thegospel, they can be loud, they
can be vengeful, excessive.
Controlling, rebellious,insensitive and domineering, and
oftentimes they will live indenial as to these things
(28:32):
happening, but to find yourvoice in the relationship to
stand your ground to be able tospeak and articulate what's
happening because you know thatthere's a better part of them
for your marriage.
Beth (28:45):
Yeah.
That's so good.
Jeff (28:46):
Well, here's some ways to point eight to a type eight to
the gospel.
One is to remind them thatChrist was the most betrayed
person ever and that heempathizes with the fear of the
type eight.
Well, because I mean, just thinkof the image when Jesus was at
the Last Supper, where he waswashing the feet and serving a
meal to the very men who withinhours and days were going to
(29:09):
repeatedly deny him and betrayhim.
And yet he moved towards themwith love.
Christ understands betrayal.
Secondly, remind them thatChrist is their true protector
and strength.
In this world you will facetrouble, type 8's, but Christ is
(29:29):
your protector and yourstrength.
Remind them that vulnerabilitytakes a lot of strength and
trust in all that God is for usin the person work of Jesus
Christ.
Encourage them to try it out andto bless others with their best
big heartedness, knowing thatGod is sovereignly overseeing
their lives.
Remind them that God is bothstrong and tender.
(29:52):
He is caring and he desires forthem to rest fully in all that
he is for them.
Beth (29:58):
Yeah, that's so good.
I love that.
All right.
So how eights communicate isreally important to understand.
So when they're doing well,you're going to find that they
are generous and a very loyalfriend.
They are very honest, assertive,and they have a confident
presence.
They stand up for and protectthose they care deeply for the
weak and those that are left atthe mercy of injustice.
(30:21):
See type eights have a verytender inner core.
Their heart is very tender, buta lot of times they're Their,
their fear of being harmed orvulnerable, uh, puts a big
shield kind of up in front ofit.
So not everybody sees thetenderness, but boy, they are so
tender, especially to the weakand the vulnerable.
Now when they're not doing aswell, their communication style
(30:42):
can be very quick, verydemanding.
Anger can rise to the surface.
They can be blunt andinsensitive.
Very much, you're going to findthem challenging others and very
assertive.
And they might refuse to see howtheir communication style is
harming others.
So then how to improvecommunication with a type eight
(31:02):
is to keep your comments brief,purposeful, clear, and direct.
See.
AIDS are very quick in theirthinking and they want to get
straight to the point.
Allow AIDS to respond wheneverthey feel the need and to not be
intimidated by their strongstance.
They want you to stand yourground and to work through the
(31:23):
situation with them.
So demonstrate that you areloyal and protective of them and
that you will go the extra mileto back them up with help in how
you communicate with them andfor them.
Jeff (31:36):
Well, here's some ways to relate to a type eight whenever
you're in conflict.
Uh, first thing is, uh, don'tsurprise them.
Be sure to schedule discussionswhen you can bring creativity so
that you can trend, bring atranscending demeanor instead of
an angry, negative attitude,because it's just going to be
like two Rams button heads.
Okay.
Well, secondly, be brief,purposeful, and direct.
(31:58):
We've mentioned that a fewdifferent times, super
important.
You need to be direct and honestwith an aid, stand up for
yourself and stand up for them.
This is not about being againstit's about being for behave with
confidence and with strength,with the type eight.
Look past the strong exterior tosee their tender heart.
(32:21):
Underneath that shield is aprofoundly tender heart, and
you've gotta find a way to bringthat out.
You'll find that behind thatshield is a tender heart.
Acknowledge how they protect andhow they.
That although AIDS might try tolive independently, the reality
is, is that they needaffirmation and encouragement
(32:43):
and you have the opportunity toaffirm those areas where you
have benefited from theirstrength and from their
provision.
Lastly, ask some clarifyingquestions and give them the
benefit of the doubt.
Overly blunt and assertivespeech doesn't automatically
mean that they are angry orattacking you.
So it may mean that you're goingto need to get used to some
(33:06):
strong comments.
Um, but behind those strongcomments are a very tender
heart.
Beth (33:12):
Yeah.
So then how can you show thetype eight in your life love the
way that they can feel it andsense it?
Well, you want to sharestimulating conversation,
laughter, fun, and spontaneous,um, activities and experiences
with them whenever possible.
But they're definitely going towant to feel your confidence and
your strength.
Which is what Jeff was justreferring to about standing up
(33:35):
for yourself and for them, butmake sure that you do not betray
them by being a gossip, aslanderer, talking behind their
back.
You need to develop trust and tobe trustworthy.
Also don't betray them.
Show them that you'retrustworthy by being vulnerable
and opening up to them.
This helps them to feel safe andthen to open up to you and show
(33:58):
them that you appreciate thattender vulnerable side when they
do show it.
Let, don't make fun of it.
Don't put it down.
But just let them know that youreally appreciate it.
And that you know that they areprotecting you, but also point
them to their protector, whichis Jesus Christ, who has their
back, who will not betray orforsake them.
(34:19):
Keep pointing the eight back toJesus.
Jeff (34:22):
Well, we love eights in our life.
They have been a tremendous giftto us.
And so we're thankful foreights.
Yay.
They're fantastic people.
Alrighty, type sevens, you'reup.
And if you were here with ustoday, you'd be cheering in the
background.
Every time we do this.
Beth (34:36):
And they're probably in their cars going, yeah, it's me,
because every time we do this,like in workshops or
presentations, whatever, alwaysthere's at least one seven that
gives a yippee or yeah, orwoohoo.
And I love it.
It just cracks me up everysingle time.
So sevens, your coremotivations, why you think,
(34:57):
feel, and behave in particularways comes from these four keys.
core motivations, the core fear,the fear that you're going to be
trapped in emotional pain,deprived, limited, bored, oh my
goodness, cannot be bored, andmissing out on something fun.
Those are your core fears.
Now the core desire that you'realways striving for is to be
(35:17):
happy, fully satisfied, andhappy.
and content.
But then you struggle with thecore weakness of gluttony.
And this is where you feel thisgreat emptiness inside and that
you have an insatiable desire tofill yourself up with
experiences and stimulations andhopes to feel completely
satisfied and content.
But it's like a bucket insidethat has holes at the bottom
(35:40):
that keep The more experiencesand stimulation and excitement
that you fill up, the real, yourealize, wait, it's not filling
up.
I still long for more.
That can be very disheartening.
But what you long to hear is youwill be taken care of.
That that emptiness will befinally taken care of.
Jeff (35:58):
Well, thanks to affirm whenever your type 7 is doing
well and they're on their pathto growth is that when sevens
are at their best They are funloving spontaneous their
imaginative productiveenthusiastic quick confident and
charming But sevens have adarker side as well.
And these are opportunities foryou to encourage and just to
(36:18):
simply acknowledge Hey, what'shappening in your life right
now?
I see that you're struggling andhere's what I see.
They can become self focused,impulsive, escapist, rebellious,
distracted, superficial, manic,and self destructive.
Well, here's some specific waysin which you can remind a type
(36:39):
seven of the truth of thegospel, that one, that their
desire, this insatiable desirefor life will never fully be
realized until they're able torest fully in all that Jesus
Christ is for them.
Now, the good news is this, isthat what Jesus promises to be
(36:59):
for the type seven is a springof living water, not like an old
dried up cistern that can't holdwater that leaks and cracks and
that they have to fillthemselves, but rather Christ.
is their very life and remindthem that God meets them in the
very difficult circumstancesthat they seek to avoid.
(37:20):
And he enables them to walkthrough suffering, to walk
through difficulty with greatwisdom and maturity.
And for some sevens who reallyembrace the invitation become a
gift to others, especiallywhenever they're suffering.
And lastly, to remind that realfreedom.
The freedom that the sevens longfor lies in the person and work
(37:45):
of Jesus Christ alone.
Beth (37:47):
All right.
So when type sevens are doingreally well, that their heart is
aligned with the truth of thegospel and what the gospel says
about them, their communicationstyle is going to be the same.
Whether going to speak in thisfun, lively, lighthearted,
upbeat, optimistic, and joyfulway.
And they're also going to taketime to listen to others without
(38:08):
trying to take their time.
over the conversation.
So they're going to have fun.
They're going to be encouragingto the other person.
They're going to be open andreceiving and listening to
others with, uh, patience.
But when they're struggling,their communication style is
also going to struggle.
And you're going to find thatthey're going to be more hyper
scattered.
They're going to keep theattention on them by telling
(38:30):
these long and grandiosestories.
And they're going to reframeanything that seems negative.
And avoid anything that'spessimistic or anything that
might go too deep, especiallyemotional pain.
All right.
So how to improve communicationwith a type seven in your life
is when you have to have aconversation that might not be
(38:51):
positive and optimistic, makesure that you're going to do it
in an atmosphere that it's nottoo distracting.
That's not too overwhelming.
That's going to take theirattention away of Uh, away from
the topic at hand, but also tryto bring what is negative into
more of a neutral topic thatmight be hard depending on what
the topic is, but if you startright out at the negative, you
(39:14):
might see them internally orexternally.
When I get away and thenwhenever possible, bring
positivity and affirmation intoyour discussion, this really
helps the sevens to feel moregrounded, to feel more secure
and able for them to actuallyhear some of those.
Um, less than positiveattributes, or what you might be
(39:36):
thinking is like reality.
But when you can bring thatpositivity, like we can change,
we can work this out.
That really helps a seven tohone in and listen, and then
incorporate the sevens ideas insolving problems because they
are going to bring a lot ofcreativity to the situation.
And they're also going to Bemore active in pursuing that
(39:58):
problem solving aspect.
Jeff (40:00):
So here's some ways in which you can relate to a site
type seven whenever there is adifficult conversation that you
need to have.
Um, one like eighth.
They don't like to be surprised,uh, with negative conversations.
So be sure to schedule somethingwhere you can, where you bring
creativity to it, and that youare mindful of whom you're going
to be speaking to.
Secondly, as Beth just said, tomake sure that you use positive
(40:23):
affirming.
ideas about how to resolve theissue and to move forward.
Next, allow the sevens to saywhat they need to say without
fear of being punished ortrapped in a long, negative
conversation that doesn't haveany practical application about
how to correct things and moveforward.
Lastly, reduce the sevensimpulse to leave a conversation
(40:45):
by remaining upbeat and open tosolutions that fit everyone,
rather than delivering.
just negative feedback to thembecause they're going to feel
trapped and they're eitherphysiologically or physically
going to leave the conversation.
Beth (41:01):
So how do we love the sevens well in our life?
Well, the first is try to shareas many exciting, stimulating
conversations.
Do something fun, spontaneouswith them.
Even in COVID 19, I had a typefive husband who was married to
a type seven wife, and what theydid was they did a scavenger
(41:23):
hunt with their neighbors, buteach of them had to be in their
own van.
So social distancing, but thenthey would go around their town.
Finding certain things.
And so they still had fun.
They engaged with their typeseven in a unique and fun way,
but then listen to your seven,they might go on and on with
these fun stories and grandvisions and creativity.
(41:45):
And a lot of us might want tolike, shut that down.
Like, Oh, we can't do that.
Or that's too big.
That's too grandiose.
But a lot of times they're justwanting to process out loud.
So listen to them.
And recognize that they do havea lot of creativity, but they
also dislike the mundane, boringtasks of life.
So make them fun.
If you've got chores to doinstead of it being this boring
(42:06):
chore, make it fun, make it acompetition so that they can
engage more fully with who theyare.
But make sure you give yourseven as much space and
independence that you can.
They do not want to feel likethey're being trapped.
And then last but not least,point them back to Jesus, who is
the spring of living water, thatJesus is the only one that can
(42:28):
fill them up completely and givethem the satisfaction that they
long for.
Jeff (42:34):
All righty, sevens.
Well, we love you.
We're thankful for you bringsuch joy and depth to our lives.
And we are so thankful.
And I'm sure your spouses arethankful for you as well.
And we hope that's been helpfulfor you spouses who are married
to a seven about how you can.
Make your relationship afantastic relationship.
Beth (42:52):
Absolutely.
All right.
So type sixes are our loyalguardians And I am married to a
type six
Jeff (42:58):
the best six ever sixes run the world Yes
Beth (43:03):
well in fact You kind of do rule my world because my
husband's a six my mom's a sixmy son is a six and my best
friend's A six see
Jeff (43:11):
we surround people.
They don't even know it
Beth (43:13):
All right.
So six is your core motivations.
What is behind the scenes of whyyou think, feel, and behave in
particular ways is the core fearthat you are fearful of not
being supported, havingguidance, and having security.
You also fear being blamed,targeted, and abandoned.
You desire so that your coredesire is to have security,
(43:35):
guidance, and support, which canlead to the core weakness of
anxiety or angst.
This is where sixes are going toscan the horizon of life and try
to predict and prevent negativeoutcomes, especially worst case
scenarios.
And this is going to keep themin a constant state of
apprehension and worry.
And the reason is sixes have aninner committee.
(43:58):
See, we all have, you know.
our thoughts in our head, butthe sixes have an inner
committee.
They're chiming in from alldifferent directions.
Well, do you think about thisway or what about that way?
Well, you could go over here,but what about over there?
Well, this could happen and thatcould happen.
Have you thought of everything?
And so that inner committeebrings us, Dialogue, which
brings self doubt and the sixeslook outside themselves for that
(44:20):
guidance and support andsecurity.
But their core longing, whatthey long to hear is you are
safe and secure.
Jeff (44:27):
So type sixes at their best and at their worst.
Now here's the difficulty abouta type six.
I've known this to be true aboutsome sixes out there.
Some.
Some sixes.
Others.
Others.
Friends of mine.
Friends of mine.
From around town.
Um, but some sixes have troublewith affirmation.
We have in trouble.
Oh, did I say we?
Yeah.
(44:47):
I'm sorry.
You said we.
Stink.
I haven't, I have trouble withencouragement.
Sometimes I interpret it asyou're trying to flatter me or
not being honest.
But the reality is, is that byconsistency.
and faithfulness and repeatedaffirmations.
It does mean a lot to a type sixand at their best.
Here's whenever you need to beencouraging your type six when
(45:08):
they're showing loyalty.
They're likable, prepared,trustworthy, compassionate,
witty, practical, andresponsible.
You know, it's funny that on thepractical thing, Beth's like,
man, why do you ask so manyquestions?
Because I'm trying to get to thepractical solution.
But sometimes she does.
I
Beth (45:29):
do really appreciate it, but my mind just doesn't think
of all the things.
Jeff (45:34):
And then I have to affirm my type 9 spouse for being
willing to affirm me.
Yeah.
Okay.
But there are times that myquestion asking becomes a burden
because really what it is, it'shypervigilance.
Um, and sixes can becomedependent, unpredictable,
judgmental.
We can become paranoid anddefensive.
(45:56):
And these last two are verydifficult, but one self
defeating where we create ourown worst nightmares.
And then lastly, self doubting,which just totally immobilizes
us.
Beth (46:07):
Yeah.
Jeff (46:08):
Hey, well, here's some ways that you can point a type
six to the gospel.
Remind your type six spouse thatGod is all knowing and
completely loving that hedelights in protecting them from
harm and guiding them towardswisdom.
I can remember one of myfavorite Favorite Psalms that
speaks to how God has his heartset upon me, that not only will
(46:30):
he lead me and guide me, but hewill counsel me in the way that
I should go remind the type sixthat Christ will never abandon
them, but rather is ever presentand is faithful and true and
whatever the circumstances maybe.
To remind the type six that theHoly Spirit offers peace and
assurance through relationshipwith him I'm always astounded by
(46:55):
one of the most repeatedcommands in scripture.
Do not fear for I am with youIt's always his presence That is
the promise and remind the typesix that christ is their deep
Joy and hope.
It's not in their plans.
It's not in their questions.
It's not in their anxiety, butit's in the person and work of
(47:16):
Jesus Christ.
Beth (47:17):
That's so good.
But when you are aligned withthe truth of the gospel, your
communication style is acommunication style that is
warm, it's caring, it'scompassionate, and you have the
greatest laugh.
You know, sixes are witty,they're funny, they're
incredible listeners, and youengage in a healthy two way
conversation.
(47:38):
You're not just asking people.
You know what they think you'reengaging with them and it makes
them feel special and heard andseen But they also like the
dynamics of the back and forth
Jeff (47:49):
sixes are the best
Beth (47:51):
but When
Jeff (47:54):
you don't need to butt in there,
Beth (47:56):
but when you're struggling your communication style Can be
overly reactive, anxious,skeptical, suspicious, you're
questioning others.
Jeff (48:07):
She's smirking as she's reading these.
Beth (48:10):
Not trusting and doubting of others and themselves.
Well, I
Jeff (48:14):
think all of us sixes, all of us sixes can say that other
sixes, we know that to be true,but just maybe not us.
Yes, that's true.
We do have a little bit of ajoke in our marriage that, uh,
sometimes.
Sickness sounds like sickness.
Beth (48:34):
Okay, so ways to improve communication with type 6, and
these are some things that I'velearned, you know, in the 25
years that we've been married,is being clear, direct, and
specific.
specific, as best as I can as atype nine is really helpful.
So for instance, if I were tosay, Hey, can we talk later?
That's not going to be helpfulfor the six
Jeff (48:53):
absolute worst.
My friends do that to me nowwhere they'll say, Hey Jeff,
I've got something important totalk to you about.
And then they don't tell me.
It totally gets me activatedinside.
Like I've done something
Beth (49:03):
right.
So then you are going tospeculate and catastrophize in
your mind what might behappening.
And it could be as simple as.
Yeah.
I want to go out for, you know,a dinner or, you know, a drink
or something.
It's like, what?
I was thinking of all the worstthings that could have been
possible.
So, um, but also to explain whenyou need some time alone to
(49:25):
process thoughts and feelings.
I know when we're not at ourbest, I, as a type nine,
especially can get overwhelmedand want to leave and process my
feelings alone, but that canfeel like abandonment to you.
So I need to say, Hey, I'm withyou, I'm in this, but I need to
go process before I come backand when we talk it through,
(49:45):
that really can help a six.
But then, you know, reassure thesix that you are supportive,
that you love them and thatyou're faithful no matter what.
Be very clear on that subject.
Loyalty is so important andcreate a safe relational
atmosphere so that the sixesknow that they're supportive and
that they can feel the assuranceand the loyalty coming at the
(50:08):
core of your relationship.
Jeff (50:10):
Well, here's some ways to help you to relate better and to
create a fantastic relationshipwith a type 6 in your life.
First, ask if they want todiscuss the issue now or if they
need time to process theirthoughts.
There's kind of this ambivalencethat 6s carry with them.
Is that they want to be able toprocess with people, but
sometimes people don't feelsafe.
(50:31):
Next, allow them to share theirthoughts while you remain calm
and have a calm and steadypresence.
Uh, super valuable for a type 6to just know that you can hold
the anxiety that they'rebringing and that they're
experiencing in the moment.
They will be able to talkthemselves down.
But to be there, to be a calmingwitness to what's happening can
(50:52):
be a tremendous gift.
Lastly, listen to them first,reassure them and give them your
honest and non reactiveperspective.
Beth (51:01):
Right.
And ways to show them love is.
Again, to help them to feelsecure that you are committed to
them, but also show how much youappreciate them.
Sixes are some of the mostloyal, committed, hardworking,
dutiful, responsible, andtrustworthy people out there.
Clearly demonstrate that tothem.
(51:21):
Now they do not Want flattery.
So you need to say it withhonesty and groundedness, but to
keep reflecting back to them,what is a high value to them,
demonstrate that you are a safeplace, that you're not going to
judge them for their anxiety.
Remember, they have that innercommittee that is chiming in
from all different perspectives.
(51:42):
Be that person that can listenand be a good sounding board for
them.
Show empathy and support andknow that they're going to have
some times of being anxious andvigilant.
And just reflect back to themwhat they're experiencing and
listen patiently to theirperspective instead of forcing
them to be optimistic.
(52:02):
And then, of course, as always,point them back to who is the
most faithful and committed,which is Jesus Christ, who will
protect them and always be theirrefuge and hope.
Jeff (52:14):
Well, there we go.
We've talked through type nine.
and six.
We love all those types andwe're so thankful for their
presence in our lives.
We hope that this has promotedunderstanding.
Maybe you are a 987 or a six andthis gave you understanding of
yourself and even more so maybeof the type 9876 that's in your
(52:35):
life.
We hope that this has given youunderstanding to what's actually
motivating them and how that'sshaping how they're thinking,
feeling, behaving.
We hope we've encouragedcompassion for not only
yourself, but also for yourspouse and the difficulties that
they bear.
And then lastly, some ways inwhich you can specifically
encourage and affirm your spouseto come alongside what God is
(53:00):
already doing in their life.
So be sure to join us next weekwhere we're going to be talking
about the remaining types of theEnneagram, be sure to go follow
us on Instagram where we'll beposting a lot of great content
on how to have a fantasticrelationship with each Enneagram
type.
Beth (53:14):
Yeah, and definitely check out our Becoming Us book.
And in the back of the book,you're going to love it because
basically there's some cheatsheets back there for each
spouse to not only knowthemselves better, but to know
their spouse better and how tolove them well.
So go check that out.
Jeff (53:28):
It's great.
We're going to be lookingforward to next week.
Beth (53:30):
Yeah.
We'll see you guys then.
He doesn't listen to me.
Jeff (00:01):
How did, I just don't understand her.
Beth (00:03):
Why are we in the same fight all the time?
Hey everyone.
This is Beth and this is yourEnneagram coach, the podcast.
And today we're going to discusshow to use the Enneagram through
the lens of the gospel toprovide practical steps,
insights, and tools to betterunderstand yourself and each
other.
Well, a few years ago, wereleased several resources on
(00:24):
the Enneagram and marriage, ourfirst being our book called
Becoming Us.
using the Enneagram to create athriving gospel marriage.
But also we developed 45courses.
Yes, 45 because there are 45different couple type
combinations and we made one foreach couple type customized.
Jeff (00:44):
So when you're driving into the 45 different couple
types, it reveals a lot.
And I remember when we wereworking on the type nine and the
type six relationship, we werejust shocked by how once again
the Enneagram was so accurate indescribing our, what we call the
dance, which is the relationaldynamics between two Enneagram
types.
Well, in this episode, We'regoing to begin a two part series
(01:06):
on the marriage dance, thoserelational dynamics between the
two types.
And if you're currently singleor dating, you can apply this
series to all of your importantrelationships in this podcast,
you're going to learn how tounderstand the inner world of
the type nine, eight, seven, andsix, how to have compassion for
yourself and your partner, howto affirm and encourage one
(01:27):
another.
Hey, relationships are verycomplex.
Not everyone grows in the sameway and at the same speed or in
the same areas.
But by using the Enneagram asseen through the lens of the
gospel, you can have thefantastic relationship that
you've always desired.
Now this idea of the dance andwe've created an illustration
using an infinity loop and alsosome biblical principles that
(01:49):
we've learned along the way.
It encapsulates three essentialelements of moving towards a
thriving gospel centeredmarriage.
So I want you to kind of keep inmind this idea of an infinity
loop.
But then also draw a line downthe middle of it horizontally,
where there's something abovethe line and something below the
line.
(02:09):
Well, what are these threeessentials?
Number one is this is that ourfocus should be on our hearts
and not on our behavior.
Luke 644 says, Jesus tells usout of the overflow of the
heart, the mouth speaks.
Speaks, James four, one, whatcauses spikes and quarrels among
you?
Don't they come from the desiresthat wage war in your hearts?
You see, the reality is that ourrelationship begins in our
(02:30):
hearts more than just ourbehavior in the dance, which is
an infinity loop captures thecore motivations for each type
in the circle portions of theloop.
Our desires are what compel us,what move us.
And if you think of a linethrough the middle of the loop
horizontally, you see that nowyou have both what's happening
(02:51):
below the surface, what'shappening in our heart or what's
happening above the line in ourbehavior.
And if you could see me rightnow, you would see me working my
hands trying to illustrate thisfor you.
With just words, but here's thesecond thing that the dance
captures is that ourrelationships help to reveal
what's going on in our hearts,but what's also important, not
(03:12):
only do the do situationsactivate our core motivations
and thus our personalities andhow we want to secure our
motivations.
But we do so with our spouses.
So our spouse contributes to thedynamics to the experiences that
we are having.
And so the infinity loopcaptures this dynamic where
something happens where the twoloops come together.
(03:34):
I have an interpretation orresponse to it.
I say or do something and thenthat lands on Beth in a
particular way.
And so this infinity loop reallydoes capture some of the
dynamics that happen between twoEnneagram types.
And then lastly, and mostimportantly, and something that
we have always taught from thebeginning, that the Enneagram is
(03:55):
a helpful tool for understandingourselves and our spouses, but
it's only the gospel that canchange us.
You see, observation does notmean transformation.
And so we're able to coachcouples how the gospel can
fundamentally change us at thelevel of our hearts and our core
motivations.
Transcribed That then changesboth how we interpret
(04:17):
situations, how we react tothose interpretations, and then
engage with our spouse.
Beth (04:21):
Yeah, that's so true.
And so in this episode, whatwe're wanting to do is provide
you with some coaching on how tohave a fantastic relationship
with any Enneagram type.
Now, of course, we're talkingabout marriage and with becoming
us, but really it's anyrelationship that you have with
another person.
But here's a few things that wewant you to remember.
(04:44):
Please don't commit a suicide.
Well, what is that?
Well, it's when we assumeincorrectly other people's
thoughts, feelings, and motivesincorrectly, and we place that
on them.
Well, we have to realize thatthe way we see the world and
interpret it It isn't alwaysaccurate for that other person,
and we can commit a suicide,which hurts harms and can even
(05:06):
destroy relationships.
So let's take a step back andask clarifying questions before
we commit a suicide.
But we also want to realize thatwe can't change our spouse.
And I know I've tried that many,many times, right, Jeff?
Jeff (05:22):
That's right.
It's a temptation of all of us,isn't it?
Because we, we're in such closeproximity that we see something
that our spouse may bestruggling in.
Sometimes it comes from a gooddesire to want to help.
Sometimes it comes from anegative one that we want them
to stop doing something.
I know this to be true in ourrelationship.
I remember whenever we wereattending seminary back in the
(05:42):
late 90s, I remember apologizingto Beth.
Having really turned away fromthe simple truth that Jesus who
began a good work in her is theone who's going to carry it to
completion.
I don't need to pick up thebaton because he never dropped
it and made it myresponsibility.
So I apologize to Beth fortrying to make her into
(06:02):
something that she wasn'tintended to be rather than
joining God in the work that hehad already begun.
Beth (06:09):
And also I would say in seminary for me, um, in that
same kind of scope was I feltlike God was very clear with me.
Like Beth, I know that you wantJeff to change and be, let's
say, 10 steps down thetransformational path.
And, you know, that's what I waspraying for, but I felt like the
Holy Spirit was saying, youknow, If I wanted Jeff there
right now, I could totally makethat happen.
(06:30):
Please be patient with myprocess and plan for Jeff.
Keep praying for him, but knowthat I have him right where I
want him.
And so that was just reallyhumbling for me to just hand
over Jeff to God and trust Godin that process.
Now, the third thing that wewant you guys to remember, and
this is so important in how youuse the Enneagram, and a lot of
(06:51):
people don't do this right, butwe don't want to use the
Enneagram as a sword or ashield.
Well, what do I mean by that?
Well, we don't want to use it asa sword or a dagger or something
that harms other people.
And that could be by joking,sarcasm, belittling, or just
anything.
Just outright being mean, Oh,you're being such a five, or
you're such a six, or I can'tbelieve you did that.
(07:13):
You're such a whatever.
Those kinds of things, or evenjust laughing about it, can
really harm other people.
This is the most exposing peopleare going to be when you're
using the Enneagram.
So we want to be very carefuland gentle and mindful of
others.
But we also don't want to use ashield where we're like, well,
you know, I'm a nine.
Sometimes I procrastinate, Jeff,you're just going to have to
(07:33):
deal with it.
We don't use it as a shield.
If anything, the gospel calls usto growth, to become more like
Christ, to surrender and dependon the Holy Spirit as he works
in and through us.
Jeff (07:46):
So what we're going to be doing in this episode in the
next episode is talking abouthow to have a fantastic
relationship with any Enneagramtype.
So this is really going to beimportant as it comes to a sword
and a shield, because you knowwhat?
We're going to show you how toaffirm and love.
and care for how to communicateto your spouse in a very unique
and precise way.
(08:08):
Well, you're not going to beable to say, Hey, well, Beth,
you're a nine.
I thought I was supposed to betreating you this way.
Hey, relationships are verycomplex.
And just because we're tellingyou what the Enneagram says
doesn't necessarily mean thatthis is the fix all to all of
the relational issues.
And so you want to be kind, butthe goal here, the remember the
goal is mutual understanding.
(08:30):
Understanding to be able tounderstand how your spouse's
interior world works.
What happens when thosebehaviors come out of these
thoughts and feelingsinternally, how are you to
understand and how are you tounderstand how to relate to
them, how to care for them, howto communicate in a way that'll
be mutually enhancing.
(08:51):
Secondly, is compassion foryourself and for your spouse.
Compassion always trumpscriticism.
There is a path before you thatsimilar to how Paul talked about
our relationship with God, thatit's the Lord's kindness that
leads us to repentance.
Beth (09:09):
Yeah.
And so Jeff, what is that youstudied under, um, John Gottman,
and there was a ratio that Iremember you talking about a lot
about this.
Jeff (09:16):
Yeah.
So what Gottman started torealize is that some couples.
Entered into a conversationanticipating a negative
response.
He called it negative sentimentoverride.
And for those couples, theyactually call them disasters
versus masters.
But those disasters andrelationships, um, criticized
them more often.
Then affirmation.
(09:37):
As a matter of fact, he evencame down to a specific number
that five affirmations to onecriticism builds positivity in
your relationship where coupleswill anticipate a positive
outcome to the conversationsthat they have about meaningful
things.
So
Beth (09:52):
basically you're filling up someone's bank with positive,
um, affirmations andencouragement.
Because there are times that wehave to say the tough things or
have the hard conversations andwe're drawing a deposit, or
pulling out a withdrawal, butyou've already put so much
deposit in there.
Jeff (10:08):
And that's what all of this we're going to be going
through over the next couple ofepisodes are going to help you
to see opportunities to be ableto connect and extend compassion
and understanding to yourspouse.
And the last one is just thatencouragement and affirmation
that the Enneagram is going tohelp you to see when your spouse
is growing according to theirtype.
They're not going to grow in thesame way at the same speed and
(10:31):
in the same areas as you are.
You are both unique individualsand the beauty, the beauty of
your marriage is to affirm thosedifferences and enhance them.
We love, we love, love, lovethis quote from Tim Keller.
Yes, it's one of my favorites.
It totally is.
He says this in his book, theMeaning of Marriage Within The
(10:52):
Christian Vision of Marriage.
Here's what it means to fall inlove.
It is to look at another personand get a glimpse of what God is
creating and say.
I see who God is making you andit excites me.
I want to be part of that.
I want to partner with you andwith God in the journey you are
taking to his throne.
(11:13):
And when we get there, I willlook at your magnificence and
say, I always knew you could belike this.
I got a glimpse of it on earth,but now look at you.
Beth (11:23):
Gives me goosebumps every time.
I love that.
Yeah.
And so here's what we're goingto cover for you guys.
We're going to.
what we call walk the wheel,which we're going to go through
each type so you can hear how tolove others well, how to have a
great relationship with anyEnneagram type.
We're going to start with nineand head all the way down to
type one this, uh, in thisseries.
(11:45):
And so what we're going to coveris.
First and foremost, which is themost important thing is the core
motivations.
The core motivations are why weget activated positively or
negatively inside.
And those are going to be keyfor you to always remember.
And then we're going to talkabout each person's, at their
best and at their worst.
And then we're going to show youhow to relate to them, how to
(12:07):
remind that person of the gospeltruth for their personality
type, how to spur them on, howto improve communication with
them, how to relate to them inconflict.
And then last, but definitelynot least, how to show them
love.
for their personality style.
And a lot of times, you know, alot of you have done, um, the
five love languages.
(12:28):
And, you know, someone mightgive you, like, for instance,
someone might give me a gift andI'm like, oh, that's nice.
Well, that's not my top lovelanguage.
But if someone affirms me, man,I just feel like That is
awesome.
That means so much to me.
It's the same with theEnneagram.
Different types have differentways of relating.
And so we can learn how to lovewell and to serve well by
(12:50):
understanding, like Jeff saidjust a second ago, understanding
each of the types internalworld.
Jeff (12:56):
Now, as we get started, there's a variety of different
ways that you can walk the wheelof the Enneagram.
But for this particular episode,we're going to start with type
nine and And we're going to gobackwards to type 987654321,
Beth (13:09):
which will match our Instagram series.
Jeff (13:12):
That's right.
Be sure to go over to Instagramand follow us there because
we're going to be providing notonly some of this great content
for social media, but there'sgoing to be opportunities for
you to share.
You can tag your spouse so thatthey can see what's happening.
You can have a greatconversation
Beth (13:26):
or your parents, you name it.
Jeff (13:28):
So be sure to go ahead and follow us on Instagram where
we're going to be providingadditional con content, and then
you can also share it with yourspouse.
You can start conversations withone another and maybe even find
some other couples that are inthe same couple type as you are,
as you learn about how to loveone another well.
Beth (13:45):
Okay, so we're going to dive in type nine, which is my
type, and we'll start with thecore motivations.
And just to kind of give you abrief background, when you're
looking at that infinity loop inthe dance, which is in the
course Becoming Us for all 45couple types, the core
motivations are at the center ofwhat activates us and how we
think and feel.
So these are so important to beaware of.
(14:07):
This is why we think, feel, andbehave in particular ways.
So the core motivations for thetype nine is one is the core
fear.
The fear for the type nine isthat they are going to be in
some kind of conflict, any kindof tension, have separation from
others, being overlooked, shutout, or in discord with others
as well.
Now what they desire, their coredesire is to have inner
(14:30):
stability and peace of mind.
That's what they're alwaysstriving for.
Okay.
But their core weakness, thatAchilles heel, the thorn in
their side that they're going tostruggle with time and time
again, which is why we alwaysneed Jesus is sloth.
Now this isn't a physicallaziness.
This is where a nine is going toremain in an idealistic world.
Order to keep peace.
(14:51):
They're going to fall asleep totheir own passions, abilities,
needs, and worth, becausethey're going to merge with
others, passions, abilities, andneeds and desires so that they
can just keep the peace.
They go along to get along.
And so the sloth means a notknowing of oneself being slow to
know themselves.
Now, what they long to hear,which is called their core
longing is to hear yourpresence.
Jeff (15:15):
So this next section is about being at your best or at
your worst.
Now, the first thing that theseare opportunities for you to
affirm, to just let your spouseknow, your type 9 spouse, I see
you.
And type 9s at their best,they're pleasant, they're
peaceful, they're generous,patient, accepting.
Diplomatic open minded andempathetic now at times you're
(15:39):
gonna see your type 9 spouse maystruggle a little bit so they're
gonna need your Encouragement.
I can't tell you how bigencouragement is It is like
candy to a child.
How would
Beth (15:52):
you know this?
Jeff (15:54):
25 years.
This is the way it worksfriends.
Um, you can pay me for it laterUm, but whenever they're
struggling they're gonna appearspaced out forgetful stubborn
stubborn Just just sayingObsessive resigned maybe passive
(16:15):
aggressive judgmental andunassertive
Beth (16:19):
Yes, that is very true.
Jeff (16:20):
Well, here's some ways, whenever you see your type 9
spouse struggling, here are waysto point them to the truth of
the gospel.
First, remind them that they areso valuable to God, that He
intentionally sent His Son Tolive a hard but perfect life to
(16:42):
die and to bring them back intorelationship with him He went to
great lengths because hecherishes them deeply and wants
to be in relationship with thempersonally Remind them that god
has blessed them by giving themspecific gifts talents abilities
and desires Nines, not only Arethey overlooked?
(17:02):
by others, but they oftenoverlook themselves and for you
to see their unique abilitiesand gifts is a blessing to them
and reminds them that God isintimately woven them together
for a particular purpose.
He wants them to be fully awaketo themselves and to move
forward in their unique callingsto bless others.
Remind them and give themopportunity to assert their
(17:25):
voice and opinions that God hasblessed them with.
Often they may stay reserved,but by giving them an
opportunity, they end upblessing other people and they
come alive to what God is doingin their lives.
And then lastly, is to remindthem that not only do they
matter to God, but they matterto you.
Beth (17:44):
Yeah, that's so good.
Well, I know for us nines, wehave some really great
attributes when we communicate,um, when our heart is in a good
place.
So we, when we're aligned withthe truth of the gospel, we know
who we are in Christ.
When we're communicating, ourstyle of communication is that
we're going to be super kind andexcellent listener.
We're going to be easy to bewith.
(18:06):
We're receptive, nonjudgmental,peaceful, optimistic, warm, and
fully engaged with where peopleare in their life.
But when we're struggling andwe're not aligned with the truth
of the gospel, forgetting who weare, we can have a communication
style that is not so great,where we can kind of meander in
our talk style.
(18:26):
We have a hard time landing theplane.
We just kind of keep talkinguntil we figure out what we're
thinking or feeling.
And then we can also be passiveaggressive, because it's hard
for us just to say what we mean.
One, because there's like thisinternal fog going on inside.
And sometimes we don't even knowwhat we're thinking or feeling.
But if we do know we are afraidof conflict and tension, so we
(18:47):
might be passive aggressiveabout it.
But we can also be detached.
And as Jeff said several times,stubborn, and we want to avoid
conflict at all costs.
So we'll go along to get along.
Jeff (18:58):
You know, one of the interesting things about being
married to you for a whilethere, I can tell that you're
trying to land the plane, butyou can't quite get there.
So you've repeated it a coupleof times and we've developed a
little bit of a, an enhancingdance that maybe I'll come in
and just kind of make the, uh,declarative statement just to
kind of land the plane.
Even with, uh, we were talkingwith our son recently as he's
(19:20):
considering what options forschool and she goes, you know
what, maybe it's best for you totalk.
I think I'm just making thingsworse.
Beth (19:28):
I'm not, I'm not super clear yet on what I want to
communicate.
Yes.
Right.
Yeah.
And then how to improvecommunication with a type nine
in your life.
Well, we want you to develop asafe and warm connection with
your nine before you havedifficult conversations.
Um, the nines are going to wantto merge.
They're going to want to goalong to get along.
(19:48):
But if they know that Thatyou're receptive, you're open,
that you're going to listen,then they feel safe to connect
in that way.
So invite them to participate inthe problem solving process by
letting them know that you wantto hear from them.
That their opinion, their voice,their desires matter.
And so help the nine to feelcomfortable, inspired and
excited for change that canhappen in the relationship, but
(20:12):
don't put a lot of pressure onthem because then they can shut
down and get stubborn.
So be patient and kind,recognizing there's that
internal fog and help to drawthem out.
We'll be back after a quickbreak.
Okay friend, are you theEnneagram Enthusiast among all
your friends, family andcoworkers and they've asked you
(20:33):
to help them identify theirEnneagram type but you're not
really sure what to do?
Or maybe you're working with aclient or a patient and you
thought, if I just had theskills and the knowledge to help
them find their main Enneagramtype we would make so much more
progress.
Well, the great news is thatwe've created the Enneagram
Typing Specialist course.
(20:54):
And guess what?
I'm going to teach it live overZoom, and I'm going to teach you
everything that you need to knowto help someone identify their
main Enneagram type in justthree weekly modules.
Yep.
That means in less than 30 days,you can become a Typing
Specialist.
Registration is open until thisSunday at midnight, October
(21:16):
20th.
So don't miss out because thistraining will show you our
proven method for helping peoplediscover their correct Enneagram
type.
Join me by signing up today atyour Enneagram coach.
com forward slash typing stashspecialist, and I will see you
in class.
Jeff (21:39):
Well, this next section is on how to relate to a type nine
when there is conflict.
Now, the difficulty is, is thatnines have this Spidey sense
about conflict even beforeconflict happens.
I mean, I don't we don'tencourage you to type your pets
But our dog is a type 9 andbefore Beth and I even begin to
argue with our words She willget up and relieve the room.
(22:02):
She just knows Mom and dad areabout to get into it and the
same is true of our kids Well,here are some ways to relate to
a 9 whenever conflict comesabout First, inquire about their
frustration in a kind andreceptive manner.
Now, it's hard for nines torecognize their anger.
Secondly, it's hard for them toactually describe it with
(22:24):
specificity.
And so, be sure to inquire aboutit.
Ask good, clarifying questions,but do so in a kind, receptive
way.
Secondly, remain open.
Don't pressure them to comethrough in a specific way at a
specific time because they'llshut down.
And what's So surprising topeople is how stubborn, how
(22:46):
fixed, um, a type nine canbecome whenever they're put
under pressure.
Next is listen to them fully.
They, they can tell when you'renot really listening and it's
incredibly pain for them,painful for them, especially
whenever they're really floodedwith all kinds of emotions
inside.
Next, affirm them and cheer themon when they express themselves
(23:08):
directly.
Now, I know this sounds weirdand odd, but sometimes you need
to affirm their willingness toconfront you about stuff in your
life.
Why?
Because they finally use theirvoice and that's a big step for
them.
Now it's kind of hard to say,Hey Beth, thank you for seeing
that character defect in me.
Good job using your voice.
But seriously, you, it wouldbless a nine if you did that.
(23:29):
Uh, they would probably overlookthe character defect.
Then next validate theirperspective, especially when you
feel you need to sharealternative perspectives.
And then lastly demonstrateverbally and non verbally that
their perspective and theiropinions matter to you.
Beth (23:45):
Yeah.
Okay.
So how to show nines that youlove them?
Well, these are some reallygreat and helpful, um, tidbits
for you guys just to put in yourpocket and to pull out whenever
you can.
So remind your type nineverbally and non verbally that
their voice and presencematters.
And you might even want to askthem, like, sit down and say,
(24:05):
what kind of things would reallymean a lot to you?
What would communicate that yourpresence matters?
And just let them know.
Speak, and if they don't knowyet, that's okay.
Ask them to write it down.
Then demonstrate God's love forthem by being patient when
they're talking and you'relistening and they may not land
that plane so carefully andintentionally listen to them and
(24:29):
then give loads of encouragementand affirmation.
Here's the thing.
A lot of you might be frustratedwith your nine, like they're,
they're stubborn.
They're passive.
They're not growing fast enough.
Well, the more you harp on anine, the more stubborn and shut
down they get.
Think of it like a gray hound ona racetrack.
And there's that rabbit thatthey're chasing.
The rabbit is the encouragement.
(24:49):
And when you tell a nine, wow,thank you so much for doing
that.
Or I see that you did that.
You'll see the nine perk up,come alive, and they're going to
chase after that all the more.
So show them where they exceland you'll see them grow all the
more.
And then.
Give them bold and strong andinsertive encouragements.
Show them how they represent Godin such unique and special ways
(25:12):
and that you need them and theworld needs them to show up.
Jeff (25:17):
Well, there you go, man.
Now you know how to love a nine.
It's all put in a box, wrappedup with a bow.
Beth (25:23):
Well, and here's the thing.
That's why these courses are sogreat because we actually show
each couple type how to relateto the nine from their vantage
point.
That's right.
So
Jeff (25:33):
if you're another nine, if you're an eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one.
Yep.
We have a course that's going tohelp you to understand how to
relate to the type nine in yourlife from your specific type.
Beth (25:43):
Yeah, so it's really fun.
Jeff (25:45):
Great.
So type eights are next.
Beth (25:46):
Yeah.
Okay.
So type eights are protectivechallengers, the core
motivations for the type eight.
So why they think, feel andbehave in particular ways comes
from the core fear, which forthe eight is they fear being
weak, powerless, controlled,harmed and manipulated and
definitely fear being at themercy of injustice.
Now they desire to protectthemselves and those in their
(26:10):
inner circle.
And their inner circle isusually pretty small.
Now their core weakness, thatAchilles heel, that thorn in
their side that keeps popping upfrom time to time, which reminds
us we need Jesus.
Their core weakness is lust orexcess.
And this means that they have aconstant desire for intensity,
control, and power, where you'llfind them pushing themselves
(26:31):
willfully on life or with peoplein order to get what they
desire.
And this particular thing, I tryto help people understand AITS
better by seeing it as asnowplow, not a Ford pickup
truck with a little dinky shovelon the front.
No, we're talking about the bigdiesel snowplows that you find
in the Midwest and the Norththat plow a path on those
(26:52):
highways.
You can't get anywhere withoutthose things.
And so we want AIDS to use theirpower, use their intensity for
the good of others.
A great example that we believe,though we never asked him for
sure, so we don't want to sayhe's a type eight, but he seems
to be a healthy type eight isDr.
Martin Luther King Jr., where heplowed a path for the civil
(27:14):
rights movement.
And he did so in such anhonorable manner.
And so we need our aides to plowthat path.
We just don't want them to nickus on the side of the road or
plow over us.
And what you want, what theylong to hear their core longing
is to hear you will not bebetrayed.
Jeff (27:30):
So it's really interesting for, to be married to a type
eight, um, because in one sensethat they're, they don't
necessarily need a lot ofencouragement, but there are,
there is a path that an eightgoes down where that strength
becomes the very gift that theyoffer on behalf of others versus
against others.
(27:51):
And when that starts to happen,here's what it's going to look
like when type eights are attheir best.
They're compassionate, they'reinspiring, they're loyal,
energetic, empowering,protective, and self confident.
And when you start to see thesethings, be sure to name it, to
affirm it to them, to let themknow that you see what's
(28:12):
happening.
Because whenever aides areunhealthy, whenever they're not
aligned with the truth of thegospel, they can be loud, they
can be vengeful, excessive.
Controlling, rebellious,insensitive and domineering, and
oftentimes they will live indenial as to these things
(28:32):
happening, but to find yourvoice in the relationship to
stand your ground to be able tospeak and articulate what's
happening because you know thatthere's a better part of them
for your marriage.
Beth (28:45):
Yeah.
That's so good.
Jeff (28:46):
Well, here's some ways to point eight to a type eight to
the gospel.
One is to remind them thatChrist was the most betrayed
person ever and that heempathizes with the fear of the
type eight.
Well, because I mean, just thinkof the image when Jesus was at
the Last Supper, where he waswashing the feet and serving a
meal to the very men who withinhours and days were going to
(29:09):
repeatedly deny him and betrayhim.
And yet he moved towards themwith love.
Christ understands betrayal.
Secondly, remind them thatChrist is their true protector
and strength.
In this world you will facetrouble, type 8's, but Christ is
(29:29):
your protector and yourstrength.
Remind them that vulnerabilitytakes a lot of strength and
trust in all that God is for usin the person work of Jesus
Christ.
Encourage them to try it out andto bless others with their best
big heartedness, knowing thatGod is sovereignly overseeing
their lives.
Remind them that God is bothstrong and tender.
(29:52):
He is caring and he desires forthem to rest fully in all that
he is for them.
Beth (29:58):
Yeah, that's so good.
I love that.
All right.
So how eights communicate isreally important to understand.
So when they're doing well,you're going to find that they
are generous and a very loyalfriend.
They are very honest, assertive,and they have a confident
presence.
They stand up for and protectthose they care deeply for the
weak and those that are left atthe mercy of injustice.
(30:21):
See type eights have a verytender inner core.
Their heart is very tender, buta lot of times they're Their,
their fear of being harmed orvulnerable, uh, puts a big
shield kind of up in front ofit.
So not everybody sees thetenderness, but boy, they are so
tender, especially to the weakand the vulnerable.
Now when they're not doing aswell, their communication style
(30:42):
can be very quick, verydemanding.
Anger can rise to the surface.
They can be blunt andinsensitive.
Very much, you're going to findthem challenging others and very
assertive.
And they might refuse to see howtheir communication style is
harming others.
So then how to improvecommunication with a type eight
(31:02):
is to keep your comments brief,purposeful, clear, and direct.
See.
AIDS are very quick in theirthinking and they want to get
straight to the point.
Allow AIDS to respond wheneverthey feel the need and to not be
intimidated by their strongstance.
They want you to stand yourground and to work through the
(31:23):
situation with them.
So demonstrate that you areloyal and protective of them and
that you will go the extra mileto back them up with help in how
you communicate with them andfor them.
Jeff (31:36):
Well, here's some ways to relate to a type eight whenever
you're in conflict.
Uh, first thing is, uh, don'tsurprise them.
Be sure to schedule discussionswhen you can bring creativity so
that you can trend, bring atranscending demeanor instead of
an angry, negative attitude,because it's just going to be
like two Rams button heads.
Okay.
Well, secondly, be brief,purposeful, and direct.
(31:58):
We've mentioned that a fewdifferent times, super
important.
You need to be direct and honestwith an aid, stand up for
yourself and stand up for them.
This is not about being againstit's about being for behave with
confidence and with strength,with the type eight.
Look past the strong exterior tosee their tender heart.
(32:21):
Underneath that shield is aprofoundly tender heart, and
you've gotta find a way to bringthat out.
You'll find that behind thatshield is a tender heart.
Acknowledge how they protect andhow they.
That although AIDS might try tolive independently, the reality
is, is that they needaffirmation and encouragement
(32:43):
and you have the opportunity toaffirm those areas where you
have benefited from theirstrength and from their
provision.
Lastly, ask some clarifyingquestions and give them the
benefit of the doubt.
Overly blunt and assertivespeech doesn't automatically
mean that they are angry orattacking you.
So it may mean that you're goingto need to get used to some
(33:06):
strong comments.
Um, but behind those strongcomments are a very tender
heart.
Beth (33:12):
Yeah.
So then how can you show thetype eight in your life love the
way that they can feel it andsense it?
Well, you want to sharestimulating conversation,
laughter, fun, and spontaneous,um, activities and experiences
with them whenever possible.
But they're definitely going towant to feel your confidence and
your strength.
Which is what Jeff was justreferring to about standing up
(33:35):
for yourself and for them, butmake sure that you do not betray
them by being a gossip, aslanderer, talking behind their
back.
You need to develop trust and tobe trustworthy.
Also don't betray them.
Show them that you'retrustworthy by being vulnerable
and opening up to them.
This helps them to feel safe andthen to open up to you and show
(33:58):
them that you appreciate thattender vulnerable side when they
do show it.
Let, don't make fun of it.
Don't put it down.
But just let them know that youreally appreciate it.
And that you know that they areprotecting you, but also point
them to their protector, whichis Jesus Christ, who has their
back, who will not betray orforsake them.
(34:19):
Keep pointing the eight back toJesus.
Jeff (34:22):
Well, we love eights in our life.
They have been a tremendous giftto us.
And so we're thankful foreights.
Yay.
They're fantastic people.
Alrighty, type sevens, you'reup.
And if you were here with ustoday, you'd be cheering in the
background.
Every time we do this.
Beth (34:36):
And they're probably in their cars going, yeah, it's me,
because every time we do this,like in workshops or
presentations, whatever, alwaysthere's at least one seven that
gives a yippee or yeah, orwoohoo.
And I love it.
It just cracks me up everysingle time.
So sevens, your coremotivations, why you think,
(34:57):
feel, and behave in particularways comes from these four keys.
core motivations, the core fear,the fear that you're going to be
trapped in emotional pain,deprived, limited, bored, oh my
goodness, cannot be bored, andmissing out on something fun.
Those are your core fears.
Now the core desire that you'realways striving for is to be
(35:17):
happy, fully satisfied, andhappy.
and content.
But then you struggle with thecore weakness of gluttony.
And this is where you feel thisgreat emptiness inside and that
you have an insatiable desire tofill yourself up with
experiences and stimulations andhopes to feel completely
satisfied and content.
But it's like a bucket insidethat has holes at the bottom
(35:40):
that keep The more experiencesand stimulation and excitement
that you fill up, the real, yourealize, wait, it's not filling
up.
I still long for more.
That can be very disheartening.
But what you long to hear is youwill be taken care of.
That that emptiness will befinally taken care of.
Jeff (35:58):
Well, thanks to affirm whenever your type 7 is doing
well and they're on their pathto growth is that when sevens
are at their best They are funloving spontaneous their
imaginative productiveenthusiastic quick confident and
charming But sevens have adarker side as well.
And these are opportunities foryou to encourage and just to
(36:18):
simply acknowledge Hey, what'shappening in your life right
now?
I see that you're struggling andhere's what I see.
They can become self focused,impulsive, escapist, rebellious,
distracted, superficial, manic,and self destructive.
Well, here's some specific waysin which you can remind a type
(36:39):
seven of the truth of thegospel, that one, that their
desire, this insatiable desirefor life will never fully be
realized until they're able torest fully in all that Jesus
Christ is for them.
Now, the good news is this, isthat what Jesus promises to be
(36:59):
for the type seven is a springof living water, not like an old
dried up cistern that can't holdwater that leaks and cracks and
that they have to fillthemselves, but rather Christ.
is their very life and remindthem that God meets them in the
very difficult circumstancesthat they seek to avoid.
(37:20):
And he enables them to walkthrough suffering, to walk
through difficulty with greatwisdom and maturity.
And for some sevens who reallyembrace the invitation become a
gift to others, especiallywhenever they're suffering.
And lastly, to remind that realfreedom.
The freedom that the sevens longfor lies in the person and work
(37:45):
of Jesus Christ alone.
Beth (37:47):
All right.
So when type sevens are doingreally well, that their heart is
aligned with the truth of thegospel and what the gospel says
about them, their communicationstyle is going to be the same.
Whether going to speak in thisfun, lively, lighthearted,
upbeat, optimistic, and joyfulway.
And they're also going to taketime to listen to others without
(38:08):
trying to take their time.
over the conversation.
So they're going to have fun.
They're going to be encouragingto the other person.
They're going to be open andreceiving and listening to
others with, uh, patience.
But when they're struggling,their communication style is
also going to struggle.
And you're going to find thatthey're going to be more hyper
scattered.
They're going to keep theattention on them by telling
(38:30):
these long and grandiosestories.
And they're going to reframeanything that seems negative.
And avoid anything that'spessimistic or anything that
might go too deep, especiallyemotional pain.
All right.
So how to improve communicationwith a type seven in your life
is when you have to have aconversation that might not be
(38:51):
positive and optimistic, makesure that you're going to do it
in an atmosphere that it's nottoo distracting.
That's not too overwhelming.
That's going to take theirattention away of Uh, away from
the topic at hand, but also tryto bring what is negative into
more of a neutral topic thatmight be hard depending on what
the topic is, but if you startright out at the negative, you
(39:14):
might see them internally orexternally.
When I get away and thenwhenever possible, bring
positivity and affirmation intoyour discussion, this really
helps the sevens to feel moregrounded, to feel more secure
and able for them to actuallyhear some of those.
Um, less than positiveattributes, or what you might be
(39:36):
thinking is like reality.
But when you can bring thatpositivity, like we can change,
we can work this out.
That really helps a seven tohone in and listen, and then
incorporate the sevens ideas insolving problems because they
are going to bring a lot ofcreativity to the situation.
And they're also going to Bemore active in pursuing that
(39:58):
problem solving aspect.
Jeff (40:00):
So here's some ways in which you can relate to a site
type seven whenever there is adifficult conversation that you
need to have.
Um, one like eighth.
They don't like to be surprised,uh, with negative conversations.
So be sure to schedule somethingwhere you can, where you bring
creativity to it, and that youare mindful of whom you're going
to be speaking to.
Secondly, as Beth just said, tomake sure that you use positive
(40:23):
affirming.
ideas about how to resolve theissue and to move forward.
Next, allow the sevens to saywhat they need to say without
fear of being punished ortrapped in a long, negative
conversation that doesn't haveany practical application about
how to correct things and moveforward.
Lastly, reduce the sevensimpulse to leave a conversation
(40:45):
by remaining upbeat and open tosolutions that fit everyone,
rather than delivering.
just negative feedback to thembecause they're going to feel
trapped and they're eitherphysiologically or physically
going to leave the conversation.
Beth (41:01):
So how do we love the sevens well in our life?
Well, the first is try to shareas many exciting, stimulating
conversations.
Do something fun, spontaneouswith them.
Even in COVID 19, I had a typefive husband who was married to
a type seven wife, and what theydid was they did a scavenger
(41:23):
hunt with their neighbors, buteach of them had to be in their
own van.
So social distancing, but thenthey would go around their town.
Finding certain things.
And so they still had fun.
They engaged with their typeseven in a unique and fun way,
but then listen to your seven,they might go on and on with
these fun stories and grandvisions and creativity.
(41:45):
And a lot of us might want tolike, shut that down.
Like, Oh, we can't do that.
Or that's too big.
That's too grandiose.
But a lot of times they're justwanting to process out loud.
So listen to them.
And recognize that they do havea lot of creativity, but they
also dislike the mundane, boringtasks of life.
So make them fun.
If you've got chores to doinstead of it being this boring
(42:06):
chore, make it fun, make it acompetition so that they can
engage more fully with who theyare.
But make sure you give yourseven as much space and
independence that you can.
They do not want to feel likethey're being trapped.
And then last but not least,point them back to Jesus, who is
the spring of living water, thatJesus is the only one that can
(42:28):
fill them up completely and givethem the satisfaction that they
long for.
Jeff (42:34):
All righty, sevens.
Well, we love you.
We're thankful for you bringsuch joy and depth to our lives.
And we are so thankful.
And I'm sure your spouses arethankful for you as well.
And we hope that's been helpfulfor you spouses who are married
to a seven about how you can.
Make your relationship afantastic relationship.
Beth (42:52):
Absolutely.
All right.
So type sixes are our loyalguardians And I am married to a
type six
Jeff (42:58):
the best six ever sixes run the world Yes
Beth (43:03):
well in fact You kind of do rule my world because my
husband's a six my mom's a sixmy son is a six and my best
friend's A six see
Jeff (43:11):
we surround people.
They don't even know it
Beth (43:13):
All right.
So six is your core motivations.
What is behind the scenes of whyyou think, feel, and behave in
particular ways is the core fearthat you are fearful of not
being supported, havingguidance, and having security.
You also fear being blamed,targeted, and abandoned.
You desire so that your coredesire is to have security,
(43:35):
guidance, and support, which canlead to the core weakness of
anxiety or angst.
This is where sixes are going toscan the horizon of life and try
to predict and prevent negativeoutcomes, especially worst case
scenarios.
And this is going to keep themin a constant state of
apprehension and worry.
And the reason is sixes have aninner committee.
(43:58):
See, we all have, you know.
our thoughts in our head, butthe sixes have an inner
committee.
They're chiming in from alldifferent directions.
Well, do you think about thisway or what about that way?
Well, you could go over here,but what about over there?
Well, this could happen and thatcould happen.
Have you thought of everything?
And so that inner committeebrings us, Dialogue, which
brings self doubt and the sixeslook outside themselves for that
(44:20):
guidance and support andsecurity.
But their core longing, whatthey long to hear is you are
safe and secure.
Jeff (44:27):
So type sixes at their best and at their worst.
Now here's the difficulty abouta type six.
I've known this to be true aboutsome sixes out there.
Some.
Some sixes.
Others.
Others.
Friends of mine.
Friends of mine.
From around town.
Um, but some sixes have troublewith affirmation.
We have in trouble.
Oh, did I say we?
Yeah.
(44:47):
I'm sorry.
You said we.
Stink.
I haven't, I have trouble withencouragement.
Sometimes I interpret it asyou're trying to flatter me or
not being honest.
But the reality is, is that byconsistency.
and faithfulness and repeatedaffirmations.
It does mean a lot to a type sixand at their best.
Here's whenever you need to beencouraging your type six when
(45:08):
they're showing loyalty.
They're likable, prepared,trustworthy, compassionate,
witty, practical, andresponsible.
You know, it's funny that on thepractical thing, Beth's like,
man, why do you ask so manyquestions?
Because I'm trying to get to thepractical solution.
But sometimes she does.
I
Beth (45:29):
do really appreciate it, but my mind just doesn't think
of all the things.
Jeff (45:34):
And then I have to affirm my type 9 spouse for being
willing to affirm me.
Yeah.
Okay.
But there are times that myquestion asking becomes a burden
because really what it is, it'shypervigilance.
Um, and sixes can becomedependent, unpredictable,
judgmental.
We can become paranoid anddefensive.
(45:56):
And these last two are verydifficult, but one self
defeating where we create ourown worst nightmares.
And then lastly, self doubting,which just totally immobilizes
us.
Beth (46:07):
Yeah.
Jeff (46:08):
Hey, well, here's some ways that you can point a type
six to the gospel.
Remind your type six spouse thatGod is all knowing and
completely loving that hedelights in protecting them from
harm and guiding them towardswisdom.
I can remember one of myfavorite Favorite Psalms that
speaks to how God has his heartset upon me, that not only will
(46:30):
he lead me and guide me, but hewill counsel me in the way that
I should go remind the type sixthat Christ will never abandon
them, but rather is ever presentand is faithful and true and
whatever the circumstances maybe.
To remind the type six that theHoly Spirit offers peace and
assurance through relationshipwith him I'm always astounded by
(46:55):
one of the most repeatedcommands in scripture.
Do not fear for I am with youIt's always his presence That is
the promise and remind the typesix that christ is their deep
Joy and hope.
It's not in their plans.
It's not in their questions.
It's not in their anxiety, butit's in the person and work of
(47:16):
Jesus Christ.
Beth (47:17):
That's so good.
But when you are aligned withthe truth of the gospel, your
communication style is acommunication style that is
warm, it's caring, it'scompassionate, and you have the
greatest laugh.
You know, sixes are witty,they're funny, they're
incredible listeners, and youengage in a healthy two way
conversation.
(47:38):
You're not just asking people.
You know what they think you'reengaging with them and it makes
them feel special and heard andseen But they also like the
dynamics of the back and forth
Jeff (47:49):
sixes are the best
Beth (47:51):
but When
Jeff (47:54):
you don't need to butt in there,
Beth (47:56):
but when you're struggling your communication style Can be
overly reactive, anxious,skeptical, suspicious, you're
questioning others.
Jeff (48:07):
She's smirking as she's reading these.
Beth (48:10):
Not trusting and doubting of others and themselves.
Well, I
Jeff (48:14):
think all of us sixes, all of us sixes can say that other
sixes, we know that to be true,but just maybe not us.
Yes, that's true.
We do have a little bit of ajoke in our marriage that, uh,
sometimes.
Sickness sounds like sickness.
Beth (48:34):
Okay, so ways to improve communication with type 6, and
these are some things that I'velearned, you know, in the 25
years that we've been married,is being clear, direct, and
specific.
specific, as best as I can as atype nine is really helpful.
So for instance, if I were tosay, Hey, can we talk later?
That's not going to be helpfulfor the six
Jeff (48:53):
absolute worst.
My friends do that to me nowwhere they'll say, Hey Jeff,
I've got something important totalk to you about.
And then they don't tell me.
It totally gets me activatedinside.
Like I've done something
Beth (49:03):
right.
So then you are going tospeculate and catastrophize in
your mind what might behappening.
And it could be as simple as.
Yeah.
I want to go out for, you know,a dinner or, you know, a drink
or something.
It's like, what?
I was thinking of all the worstthings that could have been
possible.
So, um, but also to explain whenyou need some time alone to
(49:25):
process thoughts and feelings.
I know when we're not at ourbest, I, as a type nine,
especially can get overwhelmedand want to leave and process my
feelings alone, but that canfeel like abandonment to you.
So I need to say, Hey, I'm withyou, I'm in this, but I need to
go process before I come backand when we talk it through,
(49:45):
that really can help a six.
But then, you know, reassure thesix that you are supportive,
that you love them and thatyou're faithful no matter what.
Be very clear on that subject.
Loyalty is so important andcreate a safe relational
atmosphere so that the sixesknow that they're supportive and
that they can feel the assuranceand the loyalty coming at the
(50:08):
core of your relationship.
Jeff (50:10):
Well, here's some ways to help you to relate better and to
create a fantastic relationshipwith a type 6 in your life.
First, ask if they want todiscuss the issue now or if they
need time to process theirthoughts.
There's kind of this ambivalencethat 6s carry with them.
Is that they want to be able toprocess with people, but
sometimes people don't feelsafe.
(50:31):
Next, allow them to share theirthoughts while you remain calm
and have a calm and steadypresence.
Uh, super valuable for a type 6to just know that you can hold
the anxiety that they'rebringing and that they're
experiencing in the moment.
They will be able to talkthemselves down.
But to be there, to be a calmingwitness to what's happening can
(50:52):
be a tremendous gift.
Lastly, listen to them first,reassure them and give them your
honest and non reactiveperspective.
Beth (51:01):
Right.
And ways to show them love is.
Again, to help them to feelsecure that you are committed to
them, but also show how much youappreciate them.
Sixes are some of the mostloyal, committed, hardworking,
dutiful, responsible, andtrustworthy people out there.
Clearly demonstrate that tothem.
(51:21):
Now they do not Want flattery.
So you need to say it withhonesty and groundedness, but to
keep reflecting back to them,what is a high value to them,
demonstrate that you are a safeplace, that you're not going to
judge them for their anxiety.
Remember, they have that innercommittee that is chiming in
from all different perspectives.
(51:42):
Be that person that can listenand be a good sounding board for
them.
Show empathy and support andknow that they're going to have
some times of being anxious andvigilant.
And just reflect back to themwhat they're experiencing and
listen patiently to theirperspective instead of forcing
them to be optimistic.
(52:02):
And then, of course, as always,point them back to who is the
most faithful and committed,which is Jesus Christ, who will
protect them and always be theirrefuge and hope.
Jeff (52:14):
Well, there we go.
We've talked through type nine.
and six.
We love all those types andwe're so thankful for their
presence in our lives.
We hope that this has promotedunderstanding.
Maybe you are a 987 or a six andthis gave you understanding of
yourself and even more so maybeof the type 9876 that's in your
(52:35):
life.
We hope that this has given youunderstanding to what's actually
motivating them and how that'sshaping how they're thinking,
feeling, behaving.
We hope we've encouragedcompassion for not only
yourself, but also for yourspouse and the difficulties that
they bear.
And then lastly, some ways inwhich you can specifically
encourage and affirm your spouseto come alongside what God is
(53:00):
already doing in their life.
So be sure to join us next weekwhere we're going to be talking
about the remaining types of theEnneagram, be sure to go follow
us on Instagram where we'll beposting a lot of great content
on how to have a fantasticrelationship with each Enneagram
type.
Beth (53:14):
Yeah, and definitely check out our Becoming Us book.
And in the back of the book,you're going to love it because
basically there's some cheatsheets back there for each
spouse to not only knowthemselves better, but to know
their spouse better and how tolove them well.
So go check that out.
Jeff (53:28):
It's great.
We're going to be lookingforward to next week.
Beth (53:30):
Yeah.
We'll see you guys then.
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