August 29, 2025 • 16 mins
I'VE HEARD THE DATING WORLD IS A NIGHTMARE THESE DAYS And frankly I'm worried that younger people have no clue how to date to I've got dating coach Tim Molnar on the show today at 1 to discuss how to maximize your dating experiences for my single listeners. Find out more about Tim or seek more one on one help by clicking here. You can also buy his book by clicking here.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Never let it be said that I don't hear the
cries of my people in the audience. And some of
you out there are in singlehood, and some of you
are very happy single, let's be clear about that. But
some of you write me and say, manby, where can
I find a man or a woman who's not an
idiot or whatever? And dating is horrible and it's the
worst thing ever and what are we even doing this for?
(00:21):
And so i'd like to welcome my next guest to
the show. Timothy Molnar is a dating coach. He's an author,
he's a form of Fulbright teaching fellow, and he helps
use kind of a bigger understanding of behavioral science to
help people rethink the way they're going about their dating lives.
And if you've been on some lousy dates, maybe you'll
(00:42):
be able to get some tips on how to be
a better dater from Tim. Tim welcome the show.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
First of all, Hi, Mandy, thanks so much for having
me on.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
So let's start about how you got into the world
of digging into behavioral science to figure out dating. Let's
start there.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
So there's a saying in the research world that our
research is often research, and so I think like like
many of the listeners who are single out there, I
was single about eight years back and was wondering if
there was a smarter, more intentional way to go about
(01:22):
this process. I was frustrated, feeling burnt out, and I
had been teaching sociology at the University of Colorado at
the time and was interested if any of these social
science or social psychology insights could help us do that
in a more intentional way. And so I ended up
going through and setting sort of a goal setting framework
(01:43):
for myself that ended up leading to the relationship that
I've now been in for over five years and ultimately
launched my work as a dating coach.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
So I want to I mean, I'm fifty six years old.
I grew up in the eighties. I was a teenager
in the eighties and a young adult in the nineties,
and dating kind of sucked, Like we all thought it sucked, right,
because how we met people as we went to bars,
we drank excessively, we danced with people, and if there
was any connections, somebody has swapped a phone number and
maybe they called, maybe they didn't, right, I mean, that's
(02:16):
just the way it was. Now it actually seems worse.
Tim It seems worse to me, and I just thank
God for my husband every day. I truly do. I
just can't even imagine. But it's so disconnected now you
don't even have that sweaty bar contact anymore. So how
do people begin to if they're over forty and they're
(02:37):
getting back into it, Like, what are the big differences
that you're helping people navigate?
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Yeah, I think that's super well put. And dating has
certainly changed. One of the things I'll say is it's
always been hard, It's always been scary. It's an extremely
vulnerable part of life. You're putting yourself out there and
you're basically asking someone to say yes or no. It's
his binary response. And so that really hasn't changed over
the years. What has changed is how people meet, just
(03:04):
like you said, and so today more than fifty percent
of relationships start online. And so now we're in this
world where while that is true, on the one hand,
there's also some research from Forbes that came out last
May that said seventy eight percent of people who are
dating online right now are burnt out. They're burnt out physically,
they're burnt out mentally, emotionally, and that's even higher for
(03:28):
gen Z and millennial daters. And so then I think
the real question that you're driving at here is, you know,
what do we do about that you mentioned folks who
are over forty or any age for that matter. How
do we create sort of a hybrid approach of keeping
a healthy relationship with dating apps if we're choosing to
use those, and at the same time get out and
get into person find activities that really light us up.
(03:51):
And I think the big thing that I really try
and encourage people to do is try and be spending
at least seventy five percent of your time out in
the real world doing things that you enjoy doing. So
maybe you like outdoorsy people, and so you decide to
volunteer for a Saturday morning trail crew, and whether or
not you end up meeting a friend or having a
nice conversation or just building a new trail, you're going
(04:14):
to have an enjoyable morning. And maybe it just so
happens that you come across someone in a low pressure
context to be able to ask out, go on a
date with have a casual conversation that turns into something more.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
That is a great idea, And I want to tell
you a story of someone I know who did exactly
that thing. They signed up for a trail cleanup because
they liked being outside and they liked to hike, and
they figured that would be a way to go and
meet people. So I guess there was maybe thirty people
at this trail cleanup. At the end of the day,
I'm talking to this friend and the friend says, well,
I didn't really meet anybody. I said, well, did you
talk to everybody? And they said no. So, Tim, there
(04:53):
are a lot of people out there who can't even
strike up a casual conversation in that context. Do you
know where you're just saying, hey, what brought you out today?
Like they don't even know how to begin those casual conversations.
Are you seeing that in your practice, where people are
just sort of communicatively stifled.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
I think there has been a bit of social atrophy
that has happened over the last number of years.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Certainly COVID didn't help.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
And we're in this digital first world where we see
people with noise canceling headphones on, we swipe through self checkout,
we have our groceries delivered via door dash. All of
these natural touch points that used to bring us face
to face with people have really been outsourced, and so
I think it is totally reasonable to ask ourselves, you know,
(05:42):
how do we bring this conversation piece back in? And
what's interesting is people are hungrier for this than they've
ever been. And so I think there's this perception that
if we're going up and talking to someone that they
really don't want to interact, and really the research proves
quite the opposite, and not only are we happier talk
with other people, folks are happier when we initiate conversation
(06:03):
with them. And then sort of the most interesting piece
is those who are witnessing these interactions are happier as well.
And so this was not in a romantic context, but
just a couple of days ago, I was out hiking
and on the way down I ended up chatting with
a few guys and we ended up chatting pretty much
the whole way down, and there were a few other
(06:24):
people at the top who had overheard it, and they
came up and they're like, gosh, I just like made
our day to see how much you both enjoyed interacting
right there. And so if you're feeling nervous to have
that conversation. I think it's cliche and trite to say don't.
But one thing that I think can help get over
some of that social anxiety is there are a lot
of these events that are actually geared towards normalizing conversation. Right.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
One of the ones that I really like is called.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Skip the Small Talk, and it's a number of people
coming together and their intentional conversation cards to say, great,
let's jump right into things. We don't need this to
feel like a job interview, doesn't need to be you know,
how many brothers and.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Sisters do you have? Where did you grow up?
Speaker 3 (07:03):
Right? It's diving into more substantive questions of you know
what lights you up?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
What are you getting excited about right now? What's something?
Speaker 3 (07:10):
What's a fear that caused you to stop doing something
that you really loved, something to allow you to meet
a stranger? And again, the idea here is just to
strike up, you know, platonic connection. Anything more that grows
from that is great, and I think a lot of
times we find that it does.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
My shorthand advice for people who are a little in
a bit nervous to get out of their box, ask
someone about themselves, Like, just ask them a question about themselves.
People like to talk about themselves, and usually the first
question will lead to a follow up question will lead
you know, and it starts a conversation. But if you
don't know how to how to start that, you just
ask someone a question about themselves, even if it's something stupid, like, hey,
(07:48):
those are cool shoes? Are they comfortable? Do you like them?
I mean, people like to talk about themselves. It just
shouldn't be that hard tim when you are trying to
I don't know if you if you sort of help
people drill down on how they conduct their dating life,
do you help people kind of drill down on what
they're really looking for so they're not out there wasting
(08:09):
a bunch of time with with people that might not
be suitable or right for a long term relationship.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Absolutely, that's really the first part is reverse engineering from
what that goal is and so what are you looking
to bring into your life? And I think for a
lot of people, they use a romantic relationship as a
proxy for what they're actually looking for, which is social connection, right,
And so for a lot of people it may be
just bringing more points of social touch into their life.
(08:40):
Expanding that surface area and finding a lot more fulfillment
connection belonging within that. And then a lot of times
they're surprised me like, oh gosh, like I was at
this dinner party because I just met a new friend
and turns out they brought someone along who's really great
who I hit it off with.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
And that just expanding your network, of your friendship network
is a great way to expand your dating pool. I
one hundred percent. I can't even gosh. In my dating history,
it is littered with so many friends of a friend
that it's not even funny. You know, my husband was
a friend of a friend now, so yeah, that's that's
definitely true. What are some of the things that people
(09:17):
are dealing with? I just got this text message on
the Common Spirit health text line and by the way,
you can text us at five sixty six nine. Oh,
this texture just said all the fake profiles on dating sites,
many many scam profiles. Other than volunteering or signing up
for a class, are there other ways? Because it used
to be you would meet people at school, at church,
(09:37):
at work, or through people in any of those areas well,
we've lost some of those touchstones. A lot of people
don't go to church anymore, working you know, working together,
as you frowned upon in a big way for good reason.
But so where is a place real people can meet
real people and not necessarily get caught up on the
(09:57):
dating sites as much?
Speaker 3 (10:01):
I think there are a lot of different avenues and
so it really depends on what you personally are interested in.
But maybe it's that you, yeah, take a pottery class,
or join an intermural sports league or pick up you know,
pickle ball or whatever that might be. But I think
it's it's really trying to be creative about how you
(10:21):
can mix up your routine. And so maybe it's that
you know, you go to a yoga class, but you
go to yoga every Tuesday at five thirty, and then
you're surprised when the people who show up at five
thirty yoga are the same people you saw the week before.
And so we can be a little bit more proactive
and say, great, like this week, I'm going to go
to yoga class. Next week, I'm going to try out
(10:42):
orange theory. The following week is going to be this
spin class. And by putting ourselves in different places, and
you know, for a lot of those who work from home.
I think also getting out to coffee shops, opting for
the community table, switching up where you're going. It just
brings you into contact with so many different people. The
(11:02):
grocery store another great one. A lot of people grocery shop.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
It turns out, I think remote work has been really
awful for people meeting other people. And I'm not just
talking about in the workplace like you have so many
incidental I hate dictionary dot Com for the following reason, Tim,
and I feel like I feel like online dating is
the same as the reason I hate dictionary dot com.
When I go into a physical dictionary, while I'm looking
(11:27):
up whatever word i'm looking up, right, I'm going to
see all these other cool words. When I was a kid.
That is how I learned so many words that I
still use and know to this day. Online dating is
kind of the same thing. When you're out in the
real world. You may be going thinking you're going in
looking for this, but then all of a sudden, we'll
look at this cool person over here that I would
not have seen had I not come here. It feels
(11:48):
like online dating is very antiseptic, and you may think that, Okay,
this is what I'm looking for, But in reality, you
gotta know someone. You got to meet someone face to face. God,
I never want to date again after this conversation. I'm
not going to lie.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
No.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
I love the Dictionary analogy, and I think it's so
spot on. I think one of the things that we
get trapped into with dating apps is setting filters and
thinking that we have a very clear idea of what
we want. Someone who's over six foot, someone who shares
a religious background, whatever it might be, and yet we
end up creating these preconceived notions of who someone is,
(12:30):
Where is what you were talking about, you know, thirty
years ago when we were at work and you spent
every day sitting next to someone, and at first you
thought they were a little goofy, and over time you
realize like, actually they're super generous, and they're always the
first one to volunteer to take on extra work, and
you know, they had this dry sense of humor that
you really vibe with. It wouldn't have come out, you know,
(12:50):
on a first date or in a dating profile. It's
very hard to take our three dimensional selves and boil
them down into this two dimensional profile and expect that
we're able to present our real self and then in
response to that, also be able to accurately sift through
whoever is on the other end of that.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Tim Molnar is our guest right now. He's a dating coach.
He's not hitch. Right, Like, somebody just said, how can
you actually approach people at the grocery store? That seems weird?
Do you actually help people work on their sort of
pitch out in the g And let me just say this,
I have been approached to the grocery store badly, and
I've been approached to the grocery store well. And the
(13:29):
guy who approached me at the grocery store well simply said,
I need help picking this out? Can you help me?
It was an absolute ploy. I knew it was a ploy.
He knew it was a ploy. But I went over
and helped him, like figure out which avocados he wanted,
and then we continued the conversation. And then he asked
for my number, and I was like, I'm super sorry,
(13:49):
I'm married, so but it was nice to be forwarded
with for a hot second. But I think there are
ways to do it and not seem creepy. You just
have to make sure that you're not being too much,
don't you think.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Yeah, what you're talking about is something that I love
because it's it's called the foot in the door approach,
and there's actually research on the efficacy of this, and
it turns out that when we go with this small
favor first approach, Hey, can you help me pick out
the avocados, We're five times more likely to have a
bigger favor accepted later.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Hey, you had a really great energy, Mandy.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
I'd love to go out for a coffee sometime, right,
And so I think there are so many ways to
make that happen. In the grocery store, you know, you're
in line behind someone and you make a funny comment
about what they have on the conveyor belt. Hey, it
looks like you're, you know, making watermelon breakfast tacos. Is
that what you're hav you know whatever, Like silly stupid comment,
or like, oh, I've never had those, you know, chicken
(14:42):
potstickers before.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Are they good?
Speaker 3 (14:44):
It's that small favor of just you know, a bid
for connection, and someone can choose to take it or not,
but you're going to have a pretty good feel if
someone you know responds very very shortly versus engages and
if they engage, then I think it's a totally reasonable
thing to say, like, Hey, you know I've enjoyed this,
and I'm the off chance that you did too, would
(15:04):
you want to go for a walk or grab dinner
or something?
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Sometime I will say this, Tim, I do think that
I just lost my train of thought. It was probably
very clever. Any parting words. Oh, Tim has a whole
book about this, by the way, and he also does coaching.
I have a link on the blog to his website
to his book to buy this. And Tim, I want
to ask you a favorite. Where are you in the
Are you in the Denver Metro now?
Speaker 3 (15:27):
Yes, yes, I'm in I'm in Boulder and also work
with clients in Denver Metro. I mean I work with
clients all over all over the country, both you know,
in person androwly.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
But yes, I'm going to follow up with you and
you and I are going to put together our singles event, okay,
and you can come and do like a mass coaching
event for all the singles and we can make them
play dumb games and we'll get all these people married
and it'll be fine. So let's make that happen in
the near future.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
I love that so much.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
And maybe the last thing that I would leave folks
with is I think we have a lot more age
and see over our dating lives than we think. Yes,
and in so many areas of life, our career, our health,
our finances, were so intentional about taking steps towards that.
And with dating, there's I think this hollywoodization that's made
us think that this should just happen naturally.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
But we're really not born knowing how to date.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
We need to get out, we need to get our reps,
we need to take little moments, do intentional things, go
out to a different coffee shop, and these small actions
compound over time into meaningful opportunities for connection.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Amen to that, Tim Malner, thank you so much for
your time today. I hope we can talk again soon.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Thank you so much for having me all right.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Thank you
Never let it be said that I don't hear the
cries of my people in the audience. And some of
you out there are in singlehood, and some of you
are very happy single, let's be clear about that. But
some of you write me and say, manby, where can
I find a man or a woman who's not an
idiot or whatever? And dating is horrible and it's the
worst thing ever and what are we even doing this for?
(00:21):
And so i'd like to welcome my next guest to
the show. Timothy Molnar is a dating coach. He's an author,
he's a form of Fulbright teaching fellow, and he helps
use kind of a bigger understanding of behavioral science to
help people rethink the way they're going about their dating lives.
And if you've been on some lousy dates, maybe you'll
(00:42):
be able to get some tips on how to be
a better dater from Tim. Tim welcome the show.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
First of all, Hi, Mandy, thanks so much for having
me on.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
So let's start about how you got into the world
of digging into behavioral science to figure out dating. Let's
start there.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
So there's a saying in the research world that our
research is often research, and so I think like like
many of the listeners who are single out there, I
was single about eight years back and was wondering if
there was a smarter, more intentional way to go about
(01:22):
this process. I was frustrated, feeling burnt out, and I
had been teaching sociology at the University of Colorado at
the time and was interested if any of these social
science or social psychology insights could help us do that
in a more intentional way. And so I ended up
going through and setting sort of a goal setting framework
(01:43):
for myself that ended up leading to the relationship that
I've now been in for over five years and ultimately
launched my work as a dating coach.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
So I want to I mean, I'm fifty six years old.
I grew up in the eighties. I was a teenager
in the eighties and a young adult in the nineties,
and dating kind of sucked, Like we all thought it sucked, right,
because how we met people as we went to bars,
we drank excessively, we danced with people, and if there
was any connections, somebody has swapped a phone number and
maybe they called, maybe they didn't, right, I mean, that's
(02:16):
just the way it was. Now it actually seems worse.
Tim It seems worse to me, and I just thank
God for my husband every day. I truly do. I
just can't even imagine. But it's so disconnected now you
don't even have that sweaty bar contact anymore. So how
do people begin to if they're over forty and they're
(02:37):
getting back into it, Like, what are the big differences
that you're helping people navigate?
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Yeah, I think that's super well put. And dating has
certainly changed. One of the things I'll say is it's
always been hard, It's always been scary. It's an extremely
vulnerable part of life. You're putting yourself out there and
you're basically asking someone to say yes or no. It's
his binary response. And so that really hasn't changed over
the years. What has changed is how people meet, just
(03:04):
like you said, and so today more than fifty percent
of relationships start online. And so now we're in this
world where while that is true, on the one hand,
there's also some research from Forbes that came out last
May that said seventy eight percent of people who are
dating online right now are burnt out. They're burnt out physically,
they're burnt out mentally, emotionally, and that's even higher for
(03:28):
gen Z and millennial daters. And so then I think
the real question that you're driving at here is, you know,
what do we do about that you mentioned folks who
are over forty or any age for that matter. How
do we create sort of a hybrid approach of keeping
a healthy relationship with dating apps if we're choosing to
use those, and at the same time get out and
get into person find activities that really light us up.
(03:51):
And I think the big thing that I really try
and encourage people to do is try and be spending
at least seventy five percent of your time out in
the real world doing things that you enjoy doing. So
maybe you like outdoorsy people, and so you decide to
volunteer for a Saturday morning trail crew, and whether or
not you end up meeting a friend or having a
nice conversation or just building a new trail, you're going
(04:14):
to have an enjoyable morning. And maybe it just so
happens that you come across someone in a low pressure
context to be able to ask out, go on a
date with have a casual conversation that turns into something more.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
That is a great idea, And I want to tell
you a story of someone I know who did exactly
that thing. They signed up for a trail cleanup because
they liked being outside and they liked to hike, and
they figured that would be a way to go and
meet people. So I guess there was maybe thirty people
at this trail cleanup. At the end of the day,
I'm talking to this friend and the friend says, well,
I didn't really meet anybody. I said, well, did you
talk to everybody? And they said no. So, Tim, there
(04:53):
are a lot of people out there who can't even
strike up a casual conversation in that context. Do you
know where you're just saying, hey, what brought you out today?
Like they don't even know how to begin those casual conversations.
Are you seeing that in your practice, where people are
just sort of communicatively stifled.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
I think there has been a bit of social atrophy
that has happened over the last number of years.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Certainly COVID didn't help.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
And we're in this digital first world where we see
people with noise canceling headphones on, we swipe through self checkout,
we have our groceries delivered via door dash. All of
these natural touch points that used to bring us face
to face with people have really been outsourced, and so
I think it is totally reasonable to ask ourselves, you know,
(05:42):
how do we bring this conversation piece back in? And
what's interesting is people are hungrier for this than they've
ever been. And so I think there's this perception that
if we're going up and talking to someone that they
really don't want to interact, and really the research proves
quite the opposite, and not only are we happier talk
with other people, folks are happier when we initiate conversation
(06:03):
with them. And then sort of the most interesting piece
is those who are witnessing these interactions are happier as well.
And so this was not in a romantic context, but
just a couple of days ago, I was out hiking
and on the way down I ended up chatting with
a few guys and we ended up chatting pretty much
the whole way down, and there were a few other
(06:24):
people at the top who had overheard it, and they
came up and they're like, gosh, I just like made
our day to see how much you both enjoyed interacting
right there. And so if you're feeling nervous to have
that conversation. I think it's cliche and trite to say don't.
But one thing that I think can help get over
some of that social anxiety is there are a lot
of these events that are actually geared towards normalizing conversation. Right.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
One of the ones that I really like is called.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Skip the Small Talk, and it's a number of people
coming together and their intentional conversation cards to say, great,
let's jump right into things. We don't need this to
feel like a job interview, doesn't need to be you know,
how many brothers and.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Sisters do you have? Where did you grow up?
Speaker 3 (07:03):
Right? It's diving into more substantive questions of you know
what lights you up?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
What are you getting excited about right now? What's something?
Speaker 3 (07:10):
What's a fear that caused you to stop doing something
that you really loved, something to allow you to meet
a stranger? And again, the idea here is just to
strike up, you know, platonic connection. Anything more that grows
from that is great, and I think a lot of
times we find that it does.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
My shorthand advice for people who are a little in
a bit nervous to get out of their box, ask
someone about themselves, Like, just ask them a question about themselves.
People like to talk about themselves, and usually the first
question will lead to a follow up question will lead
you know, and it starts a conversation. But if you
don't know how to how to start that, you just
ask someone a question about themselves, even if it's something stupid, like, hey,
(07:48):
those are cool shoes? Are they comfortable? Do you like them?
I mean, people like to talk about themselves. It just
shouldn't be that hard tim when you are trying to
I don't know if you if you sort of help
people drill down on how they conduct their dating life,
do you help people kind of drill down on what
they're really looking for so they're not out there wasting
(08:09):
a bunch of time with with people that might not
be suitable or right for a long term relationship.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Absolutely, that's really the first part is reverse engineering from
what that goal is and so what are you looking
to bring into your life? And I think for a
lot of people, they use a romantic relationship as a
proxy for what they're actually looking for, which is social connection, right,
And so for a lot of people it may be
just bringing more points of social touch into their life.
(08:40):
Expanding that surface area and finding a lot more fulfillment
connection belonging within that. And then a lot of times
they're surprised me like, oh gosh, like I was at
this dinner party because I just met a new friend
and turns out they brought someone along who's really great
who I hit it off with.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
And that just expanding your network, of your friendship network
is a great way to expand your dating pool. I
one hundred percent. I can't even gosh. In my dating history,
it is littered with so many friends of a friend
that it's not even funny. You know, my husband was
a friend of a friend now, so yeah, that's that's
definitely true. What are some of the things that people
(09:17):
are dealing with? I just got this text message on
the Common Spirit health text line and by the way,
you can text us at five sixty six nine. Oh,
this texture just said all the fake profiles on dating sites,
many many scam profiles. Other than volunteering or signing up
for a class, are there other ways? Because it used
to be you would meet people at school, at church,
(09:37):
at work, or through people in any of those areas well,
we've lost some of those touchstones. A lot of people
don't go to church anymore, working you know, working together,
as you frowned upon in a big way for good reason.
But so where is a place real people can meet
real people and not necessarily get caught up on the
(09:57):
dating sites as much?
Speaker 3 (10:01):
I think there are a lot of different avenues and
so it really depends on what you personally are interested in.
But maybe it's that you, yeah, take a pottery class,
or join an intermural sports league or pick up you know,
pickle ball or whatever that might be. But I think
it's it's really trying to be creative about how you
(10:21):
can mix up your routine. And so maybe it's that
you know, you go to a yoga class, but you
go to yoga every Tuesday at five thirty, and then
you're surprised when the people who show up at five
thirty yoga are the same people you saw the week before.
And so we can be a little bit more proactive
and say, great, like this week, I'm going to go
to yoga class. Next week, I'm going to try out
(10:42):
orange theory. The following week is going to be this
spin class. And by putting ourselves in different places, and
you know, for a lot of those who work from home.
I think also getting out to coffee shops, opting for
the community table, switching up where you're going. It just
brings you into contact with so many different people. The
(11:02):
grocery store another great one. A lot of people grocery shop.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
It turns out, I think remote work has been really
awful for people meeting other people. And I'm not just
talking about in the workplace like you have so many
incidental I hate dictionary dot Com for the following reason, Tim,
and I feel like I feel like online dating is
the same as the reason I hate dictionary dot com.
When I go into a physical dictionary, while I'm looking
(11:27):
up whatever word i'm looking up, right, I'm going to
see all these other cool words. When I was a kid.
That is how I learned so many words that I
still use and know to this day. Online dating is
kind of the same thing. When you're out in the
real world. You may be going thinking you're going in
looking for this, but then all of a sudden, we'll
look at this cool person over here that I would
not have seen had I not come here. It feels
(11:48):
like online dating is very antiseptic, and you may think that, Okay,
this is what I'm looking for, But in reality, you
gotta know someone. You got to meet someone face to face. God,
I never want to date again after this conversation. I'm
not going to lie.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
No.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
I love the Dictionary analogy, and I think it's so
spot on. I think one of the things that we
get trapped into with dating apps is setting filters and
thinking that we have a very clear idea of what
we want. Someone who's over six foot, someone who shares
a religious background, whatever it might be, and yet we
end up creating these preconceived notions of who someone is,
(12:30):
Where is what you were talking about, you know, thirty
years ago when we were at work and you spent
every day sitting next to someone, and at first you
thought they were a little goofy, and over time you
realize like, actually they're super generous, and they're always the
first one to volunteer to take on extra work, and
you know, they had this dry sense of humor that
you really vibe with. It wouldn't have come out, you know,
(12:50):
on a first date or in a dating profile. It's
very hard to take our three dimensional selves and boil
them down into this two dimensional profile and expect that
we're able to present our real self and then in
response to that, also be able to accurately sift through
whoever is on the other end of that.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Tim Molnar is our guest right now. He's a dating coach.
He's not hitch. Right, Like, somebody just said, how can
you actually approach people at the grocery store? That seems weird?
Do you actually help people work on their sort of
pitch out in the g And let me just say this,
I have been approached to the grocery store badly, and
I've been approached to the grocery store well. And the
(13:29):
guy who approached me at the grocery store well simply said,
I need help picking this out? Can you help me?
It was an absolute ploy. I knew it was a ploy.
He knew it was a ploy. But I went over
and helped him, like figure out which avocados he wanted,
and then we continued the conversation. And then he asked
for my number, and I was like, I'm super sorry,
(13:49):
I'm married, so but it was nice to be forwarded
with for a hot second. But I think there are
ways to do it and not seem creepy. You just
have to make sure that you're not being too much,
don't you think.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Yeah, what you're talking about is something that I love
because it's it's called the foot in the door approach,
and there's actually research on the efficacy of this, and
it turns out that when we go with this small
favor first approach, Hey, can you help me pick out
the avocados, We're five times more likely to have a
bigger favor accepted later.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Hey, you had a really great energy, Mandy.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
I'd love to go out for a coffee sometime, right,
And so I think there are so many ways to
make that happen. In the grocery store, you know, you're
in line behind someone and you make a funny comment
about what they have on the conveyor belt. Hey, it
looks like you're, you know, making watermelon breakfast tacos. Is
that what you're hav you know whatever, Like silly stupid comment,
or like, oh, I've never had those, you know, chicken
(14:42):
potstickers before.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Are they good?
Speaker 3 (14:44):
It's that small favor of just you know, a bid
for connection, and someone can choose to take it or not,
but you're going to have a pretty good feel if
someone you know responds very very shortly versus engages and
if they engage, then I think it's a totally reasonable
thing to say, like, Hey, you know I've enjoyed this,
and I'm the off chance that you did too, would
(15:04):
you want to go for a walk or grab dinner
or something?
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Sometime I will say this, Tim, I do think that
I just lost my train of thought. It was probably
very clever. Any parting words. Oh, Tim has a whole
book about this, by the way, and he also does coaching.
I have a link on the blog to his website
to his book to buy this. And Tim, I want
to ask you a favorite. Where are you in the
Are you in the Denver Metro now?
Speaker 3 (15:27):
Yes, yes, I'm in I'm in Boulder and also work
with clients in Denver Metro. I mean I work with
clients all over all over the country, both you know,
in person androwly.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
But yes, I'm going to follow up with you and
you and I are going to put together our singles event, okay,
and you can come and do like a mass coaching
event for all the singles and we can make them
play dumb games and we'll get all these people married
and it'll be fine. So let's make that happen in
the near future.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
I love that so much.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
And maybe the last thing that I would leave folks
with is I think we have a lot more age
and see over our dating lives than we think. Yes,
and in so many areas of life, our career, our health,
our finances, were so intentional about taking steps towards that.
And with dating, there's I think this hollywoodization that's made
us think that this should just happen naturally.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
But we're really not born knowing how to date.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
We need to get out, we need to get our reps,
we need to take little moments, do intentional things, go
out to a different coffee shop, and these small actions
compound over time into meaningful opportunities for connection.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Amen to that, Tim Malner, thank you so much for
your time today. I hope we can talk again soon.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Thank you so much for having me all right.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Thank you
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