Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My next guest is a woman who not only is
a professional, a trained psychologist, she also is a mom
who has gone through the teen years and maybe in
the teen years now. And when I saw this, she
has a new book out called The Parent Teen Connection,
how to build lifelong family relationships as the mother of
a teenager, I was like, sign me up, I'm in
(00:20):
and Susan Casso is joining me now on the show. Susan,
first of all, I said right before we went to
break in the last break that you know when your
children are little and they're being adorable and they're precious,
and they think you're awesome, and then everything.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
You do is amazing.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Some negative Nelly will walk by and say, wait until
the teen years, and in your mind you think, not
my adorable little darling, But then the teen years arrive
and all of a sudden, you're adorable little darling is
eye rolling and telling you you're an idiot, and you're like, what,
I want to go back to the age.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
When I was awesome.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
So I'm hoping that you can give a little bit
of insight to extending the your awesome period of life
and maybe helping us work through the teen years.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
So welcome to the show. First of all, thank you Mandya.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
I can't stop laughing just hearing you. And it's all true.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
That does happen, you know, when you were talking to
parents of teenagers that are maybe coming to your practice
for help, and what are some of those conversations like
from parents?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
What from the parent perspective?
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Maybe let's dive in a little bit to what they're
experiencing and then maybe talk about why the kids are
doing what they're doing. So let's start with mom and
dad first.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Yeah, when I you know, I've we've been working with
teens for over twenty years, and when you work with teens,
you work with parents, and you know, I see a
lot of the same patterns in my office in the
same cycle of interaction that happens between parents and teens.
I see that over and over. That was one of
the reasons why I wanted to write the book, because
I wanted to help parents, you know, take what I
(02:01):
do in session and put that in a book to
reach more people. Yeah, teenagers, you know, there is that
period and sometimes it starts around nine or even ten,
right where they you know, hey, mom, Dad's not so cool.
I know better than you. You embarrass me and the
(02:23):
eye rolls and those kinds of things. Yes, it does happened.
Mom and Dad aren't Superman and superwoman anymore, and that
whole piece kind of comes crashing down, and it is
kind of sad, right, It's.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Very sad to go from Oh, you're the most amazing
thing because you snap together my plastic toy in front
of me to mom. I'm trying to think of what
one of the things my daughter said to me. She goes, Mom,
you give amazing advice that is utterly useless in today's society.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
This is what she said to me. And I was like, dang,
that's cold, but it is you.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
You still want to help, But you know, I'm trying
to respect what my teen daughter is going through.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
And let's talk about that for a second.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Talk about the development that goes on during the teen years,
just in terms of brain growth and development and maturity, Like,
give us a little window under that.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Yeah, it's a lot goes on, right, brain development when
they're infants, and then really when they're in adolescence, Lots
of brain development, lots of maturity. Their frontal lobe is
not fully developed yet, it's under construction, and so they
really are impulsive, they can't stay on task as well,
(03:41):
they can't be organized, you know, and they make decisions
that you know, if that part was really constructed might
look a little different.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
So how do you manage to help your kid in
making those decisions that are important?
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Because they're a lot of.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Important decisions that teens are going to be making about
whether or to go to college, you know, what school
to go to, whether they're going to go at all.
How can you help them guide them through that part
where their frontal prefrontal cortex is not developed while still
allowing them to grow up. I mean, that's so hard.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
It really is hard. And talking to your teenager about
really what you just said, like this is hard. We
have these many years to go until you turn eighteen,
and I want to support you, and we need to
talk about what that will look like. I'm not going
(04:42):
to tell you, like I'm not going to tell you
what to do every time. I want to sit back
and listen and I want you to tell me when
you need me. I might say, hey, I notice this,
And I'm not trying to tell you you're doing something wrong.
I'm just trying to be your mom and support you.
So it's really about talking about it and creating a
(05:06):
bond around like, hey, I'm on your side, but you've
got a lot of difficult things to go through and
you are going to need my help.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
So we all probably know a family or maybe even
have this in our own family where teenagers and the
relationship with their parents during the teen years is so
fraught with friction and fighting that it has a negative
impact on that relationship forever. And I think for most
(05:35):
parents that's very concerning. So how do we avoid that specifically?
Speaker 3 (05:41):
Yeah, So I mean, again, this is why I wrote
the book, And it says the parenting connection, and it
says lifelong family relationships because lots of things happen in
the teen years that creates disconnection and then it is
long term and children harbor that and you know, we
don't have forgiveness and it really is difficult for families
(06:04):
long term. And so really the main premise of the
book is to create stronger families and where we see
a sense of belonging at home, healthy communication, and those
things build emotional closeness. And so really getting to that
place of emotional closeness where your teen feels like they
(06:27):
can rely on you and you can be there and
sometimes that's just listening to them and not jumping to
problem solving, and they'll be more receptive to hear from
you when you do need to jump into that space
with them.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
So let me specifically say, I you know, my daughter
is not particularly chatty, meaning that when you say just listen,
I'm sitting, I've got my listening ears on, I've got
my and there's nothing coming. So is there something I
can do as a parent to And I don't want
to force the issue because it's just not my personality type,
(07:05):
But how can you open those lines of communication with
your kids that aren't necessarily communicative, even about big issues
that perhaps you could be an ear for.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Yeah, and I think so. There's this piece in the book,
it's in chapter two called the mom dad role versus
the parent role. And the parent role is what we
think we're supposed to be doing, keeping our kids on track,
telling them to do their chores, did you get your
homework done? All these great things that hey, we're a
good mom because we're doing all these things. And then
(07:40):
the mom dad role is this softer side where we
have fun, we do things together, we cook, we you know,
anything that really brings joy, that creates closeness that isn't
like a to do right, And so ideally we want
to spend more time in the mom dad role where
you're really cultivating the relationship, and the least amount of
(08:01):
time in the parent role, even though you still have
to do those tasks, because when you are in that
parent role more, it can the relationship can actually feel
more like a performance review rather than a relationship. Right.
That is a great way that it creates disconnection.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
I'd like to know if you have any thoughts on
you know, I'm gen X so I grew up a
feral child where our parents had no idea where we
were for a vast majority of our childhood.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
And I'm not exaggerating by that.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Now we live in a society where children are micromanaged,
where even play outings are are micromanaged by parents, and
those opportunities for spontaneous play are gone.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
How has that.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Affected the relationship between parents and young people just overall
as they get older and they don't want to be
micromanaged by their parents.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
Yeah, I mean, I think it's a huge problem. It's
a very big problem, and it's really hard because, like
we want to protect our kids. It feels like this
is the way of life, like we're supposed to be micromanaging,
and then you have to stop yourself and go, hold on,
what am I doing? I mean, I had the same
scenario myself with my sixth grader. She's riding her bike
(09:18):
to school this year, right because her school's right down
the street. And the first day I just walked where
she's meeting her friend and then they're riding and she
was fine with that. And then the second day I
put my shoes on. She goes, Mom, no, and I went,
what what do you mean? And she goes, she looks, Pandy.
(09:39):
It's so funny. She goes like this, Mom, I got this.
I'm going to be okay. And she goes, but are
you going to be okay? Mom? And I went lat
her name Olivia, and I said, I got it. This
is my issue, this isn't yours.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
It's true though.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
I I read a book when my daughter was in
the middle of middle school, which honestly is the worst
time of life, I think from so many people.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
And I read a book called Untangled.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
That was so helpful for me as a parent in
recognizing that none of this stuff is really personal, is it.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
It's not. Kids are not angry, they don't lash out.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
It's never personal. I mean, maybe it is in some cases,
but for the most part, teenagers acting the way they
act has nothing to do with us per se. It's
more about them trying to separate from their parents and
establish their own identity. But man, that's a hard lesson
to remember when you're in the middle of it.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Yeah, and that is a great book I've read Untangled,
So yeah, not to take it personally. This is they're individuating.
That's what they're supposed to be doing, and that's you know,
the things I talk about in the book is like,
why are we saying teens are rebellious? Like it really
has a negative connotation. And if we have that in
(11:07):
our mind, we think of our kids in a negative way,
why are we vilifying them? Right? But there is a
place where we have to draw the line. We can't
let them be disrespectful and rude to us. And so
I have that conversation, I mean I've had it over
the years of you know, I treat you with respect
and I expect you to do that to me. And
(11:29):
so we would have this with my oldest who's a girl.
You know, when she would say something rude or flip it,
we would just say try that again or rephrase.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Yeah, like you know, to say, would you like to
reconsider how did you yeah? How did that just come
out of your mouth? Would you like to reconsider the
way you just said that? And uh, just just walking
that back. The book is let me go back up
and get the actual full name The Parent Teen Connection
How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
By Susan Casso. I put link on the blog today.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
I'm going to be buying this book because I got
a teenager for at least three more years. And I
should say my daughter is an absolute delight eighty five
percent of the time, and I feel like that's a
pretty good number. The other fifteen percent of the time
the jury will remain out until we get through this.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
But this has been the most stressful, uh frustrating.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Confusing experience of my adult life.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
And then I think to myself, this is just what
this is what I did to my parents. You know,
this is just the cycle of life.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
So Susan, what are some last words for parents who
are going to be ordering your book because they're just
at their wits end.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
I guess I really want people to feel my compassionate
understanding of what it's like to raise kids. I want
them to know that you do not have to be
a perfect parent. What's most important is, you know, cultivating
a strong connection with your kid, and even the smallest
changes in how you are with your kids can make
the biggest changes.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
That is Susan Casso her new book. I put a
link on the blog if you want to buy it. Susan,
thank you so much for making time for us today.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Thank you, Mandy, thank you much, thank you.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
That is Susan Casso. And again her new book is
on the blog.
My next guest is a woman who not only is
a professional, a trained psychologist, she also is a mom
who has gone through the teen years and maybe in
the teen years now. And when I saw this, she
has a new book out called The Parent Teen Connection,
how to build lifelong family relationships as the mother of
a teenager, I was like, sign me up, I'm in
(00:20):
and Susan Casso is joining me now on the show. Susan,
first of all, I said right before we went to
break in the last break that you know when your
children are little and they're being adorable and they're precious,
and they think you're awesome, and then everything.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
You do is amazing.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Some negative Nelly will walk by and say, wait until
the teen years, and in your mind you think, not
my adorable little darling, But then the teen years arrive
and all of a sudden, you're adorable little darling is
eye rolling and telling you you're an idiot, and you're like, what,
I want to go back to the age.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
When I was awesome.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
So I'm hoping that you can give a little bit
of insight to extending the your awesome period of life
and maybe helping us work through the teen years.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
So welcome to the show. First of all, thank you Mandya.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
I can't stop laughing just hearing you. And it's all true.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
That does happen, you know, when you were talking to
parents of teenagers that are maybe coming to your practice
for help, and what are some of those conversations like
from parents?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
What from the parent perspective?
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Maybe let's dive in a little bit to what they're
experiencing and then maybe talk about why the kids are
doing what they're doing. So let's start with mom and
dad first.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Yeah, when I you know, I've we've been working with
teens for over twenty years, and when you work with teens,
you work with parents, and you know, I see a
lot of the same patterns in my office in the
same cycle of interaction that happens between parents and teens.
I see that over and over. That was one of
the reasons why I wanted to write the book, because
I wanted to help parents, you know, take what I
(02:01):
do in session and put that in a book to
reach more people. Yeah, teenagers, you know, there is that
period and sometimes it starts around nine or even ten,
right where they you know, hey, mom, Dad's not so cool.
I know better than you. You embarrass me and the
(02:23):
eye rolls and those kinds of things. Yes, it does happened.
Mom and Dad aren't Superman and superwoman anymore, and that
whole piece kind of comes crashing down, and it is
kind of sad, right, It's.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Very sad to go from Oh, you're the most amazing
thing because you snap together my plastic toy in front
of me to mom. I'm trying to think of what
one of the things my daughter said to me. She goes, Mom,
you give amazing advice that is utterly useless in today's society.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
This is what she said to me. And I was like, dang,
that's cold, but it is you.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
You still want to help, But you know, I'm trying
to respect what my teen daughter is going through.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
And let's talk about that for a second.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Talk about the development that goes on during the teen years,
just in terms of brain growth and development and maturity, Like,
give us a little window under that.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Yeah, it's a lot goes on, right, brain development when
they're infants, and then really when they're in adolescence, Lots
of brain development, lots of maturity. Their frontal lobe is
not fully developed yet, it's under construction, and so they
really are impulsive, they can't stay on task as well,
(03:41):
they can't be organized, you know, and they make decisions
that you know, if that part was really constructed might
look a little different.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
So how do you manage to help your kid in
making those decisions that are important?
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Because they're a lot of.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Important decisions that teens are going to be making about
whether or to go to college, you know, what school
to go to, whether they're going to go at all.
How can you help them guide them through that part
where their frontal prefrontal cortex is not developed while still
allowing them to grow up. I mean, that's so hard.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
It really is hard. And talking to your teenager about
really what you just said, like this is hard. We
have these many years to go until you turn eighteen,
and I want to support you, and we need to
talk about what that will look like. I'm not going
(04:42):
to tell you, like I'm not going to tell you
what to do every time. I want to sit back
and listen and I want you to tell me when
you need me. I might say, hey, I notice this,
And I'm not trying to tell you you're doing something wrong.
I'm just trying to be your mom and support you.
So it's really about talking about it and creating a
(05:06):
bond around like, hey, I'm on your side, but you've
got a lot of difficult things to go through and
you are going to need my help.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
So we all probably know a family or maybe even
have this in our own family where teenagers and the
relationship with their parents during the teen years is so
fraught with friction and fighting that it has a negative
impact on that relationship forever. And I think for most
(05:35):
parents that's very concerning. So how do we avoid that specifically?
Speaker 3 (05:41):
Yeah, So I mean, again, this is why I wrote
the book, And it says the parenting connection, and it
says lifelong family relationships because lots of things happen in
the teen years that creates disconnection and then it is
long term and children harbor that and you know, we
don't have forgiveness and it really is difficult for families
(06:04):
long term. And so really the main premise of the
book is to create stronger families and where we see
a sense of belonging at home, healthy communication, and those
things build emotional closeness. And so really getting to that
place of emotional closeness where your teen feels like they
(06:27):
can rely on you and you can be there and
sometimes that's just listening to them and not jumping to
problem solving, and they'll be more receptive to hear from
you when you do need to jump into that space
with them.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
So let me specifically say, I you know, my daughter
is not particularly chatty, meaning that when you say just listen,
I'm sitting, I've got my listening ears on, I've got
my and there's nothing coming. So is there something I
can do as a parent to And I don't want
to force the issue because it's just not my personality type,
(07:05):
But how can you open those lines of communication with
your kids that aren't necessarily communicative, even about big issues
that perhaps you could be an ear for.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Yeah, and I think so. There's this piece in the book,
it's in chapter two called the mom dad role versus
the parent role. And the parent role is what we
think we're supposed to be doing, keeping our kids on track,
telling them to do their chores, did you get your
homework done? All these great things that hey, we're a
good mom because we're doing all these things. And then
(07:40):
the mom dad role is this softer side where we
have fun, we do things together, we cook, we you know,
anything that really brings joy, that creates closeness that isn't
like a to do right, And so ideally we want
to spend more time in the mom dad role where
you're really cultivating the relationship, and the least amount of
(08:01):
time in the parent role, even though you still have
to do those tasks, because when you are in that
parent role more, it can the relationship can actually feel
more like a performance review rather than a relationship. Right.
That is a great way that it creates disconnection.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
I'd like to know if you have any thoughts on
you know, I'm gen X so I grew up a
feral child where our parents had no idea where we
were for a vast majority of our childhood.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
And I'm not exaggerating by that.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Now we live in a society where children are micromanaged,
where even play outings are are micromanaged by parents, and
those opportunities for spontaneous play are gone.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
How has that.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Affected the relationship between parents and young people just overall
as they get older and they don't want to be
micromanaged by their parents.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
Yeah, I mean, I think it's a huge problem. It's
a very big problem, and it's really hard because, like
we want to protect our kids. It feels like this
is the way of life, like we're supposed to be micromanaging,
and then you have to stop yourself and go, hold on,
what am I doing? I mean, I had the same
scenario myself with my sixth grader. She's riding her bike
(09:18):
to school this year, right because her school's right down
the street. And the first day I just walked where
she's meeting her friend and then they're riding and she
was fine with that. And then the second day I
put my shoes on. She goes, Mom, no, and I went,
what what do you mean? And she goes, she looks, Pandy.
(09:39):
It's so funny. She goes like this, Mom, I got this.
I'm going to be okay. And she goes, but are
you going to be okay? Mom? And I went lat
her name Olivia, and I said, I got it. This
is my issue, this isn't yours.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
It's true though.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
I I read a book when my daughter was in
the middle of middle school, which honestly is the worst
time of life, I think from so many people.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
And I read a book called Untangled.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
That was so helpful for me as a parent in
recognizing that none of this stuff is really personal, is it.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
It's not. Kids are not angry, they don't lash out.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
It's never personal. I mean, maybe it is in some cases,
but for the most part, teenagers acting the way they
act has nothing to do with us per se. It's
more about them trying to separate from their parents and
establish their own identity. But man, that's a hard lesson
to remember when you're in the middle of it.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Yeah, and that is a great book I've read Untangled,
So yeah, not to take it personally. This is they're individuating.
That's what they're supposed to be doing, and that's you know,
the things I talk about in the book is like,
why are we saying teens are rebellious? Like it really
has a negative connotation. And if we have that in
(11:07):
our mind, we think of our kids in a negative way,
why are we vilifying them? Right? But there is a
place where we have to draw the line. We can't
let them be disrespectful and rude to us. And so
I have that conversation, I mean I've had it over
the years of you know, I treat you with respect
and I expect you to do that to me. And
(11:29):
so we would have this with my oldest who's a girl.
You know, when she would say something rude or flip it,
we would just say try that again or rephrase.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Yeah, like you know, to say, would you like to
reconsider how did you yeah? How did that just come
out of your mouth? Would you like to reconsider the
way you just said that? And uh, just just walking
that back. The book is let me go back up
and get the actual full name The Parent Teen Connection
How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
By Susan Casso. I put link on the blog today.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
I'm going to be buying this book because I got
a teenager for at least three more years. And I
should say my daughter is an absolute delight eighty five
percent of the time, and I feel like that's a
pretty good number. The other fifteen percent of the time
the jury will remain out until we get through this.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
But this has been the most stressful, uh frustrating.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Confusing experience of my adult life.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
And then I think to myself, this is just what
this is what I did to my parents. You know,
this is just the cycle of life.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
So Susan, what are some last words for parents who
are going to be ordering your book because they're just
at their wits end.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
I guess I really want people to feel my compassionate
understanding of what it's like to raise kids. I want
them to know that you do not have to be
a perfect parent. What's most important is, you know, cultivating
a strong connection with your kid, and even the smallest
changes in how you are with your kids can make
the biggest changes.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
That is Susan Casso her new book. I put a
link on the blog if you want to buy it. Susan,
thank you so much for making time for us today.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Thank you, Mandy, thank you much, thank you.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
That is Susan Casso. And again her new book is
on the blog.
The Mandy Connell Podcast News
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