November 27, 2021 • 9 mins
Terese Marie Mailhot discusses growing up on a reservation and searching for an authentic indigenous voice in her memoir "Heart Berries." Originally aired March 2018.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central. My guest Tonight shares her
experiences growing up on a small Indian reservation in British
Columbia in her critically acclaimed debut book, Heartberries, a Memoir.
Please welcome, Teres Marie Mayatts, Welcome to the show. Thank you,
(00:31):
Thank you so much for being here, and thank you
so much for this book. This is an experience that
I think few people would envy, but most people would
connect to. It is a memoir of your life that
is written and it's honestly one of the most authentic
points of view I've ever come across. When you were
writing the book, one thing I wanted to discover from
(00:51):
the beginning was was it hard for you to figure
out how to be the voice of American Indian people.
But at the same time I realize that you're not
the voice for American Indian people. It's an interesting balance
to have. Yeah. I think when you come from a
collective culture, like a community that relies on each other,
and when you speak out against violence and against Indigenous women,
(01:16):
and when you speak out against um the way we're treated,
in the way disparity is working against our bodies and
who we are like, I feel like sometimes when I'm talking,
I feel representative, and then I remember, oh, this is
a singular story, like this is what happened to me,
And I feel like if I can speak out, I'm
going to encourage other women to do so as well,
(01:37):
UM and hold up their voices when they do so,
you know. And that's how I relieve the pressure of
feeling like, Okay, I'm not speaking for all Indigenous women,
but I am helping. You know, when you look at
your story and you that's the time that you've gone
through you you you speak about it's in a painful way,
(01:58):
in an authentic way, but in an in an uplifting
way at the same time. I mean, there's there's times
where you talk about growing up on the Riz as
a as a as a native person. Do you find
that you that you connect with your world in a
different way to how people perceive your world. Yeah, I
mean I grew up my mother was a healer, and
my mother was so powerful and also um, you know, exploited.
(02:21):
Her work was exploited UM and she was living UM
in a community where we were surviving on welfare, and
sometimes she was um employed in working seven hours a week,
and she had to neglect us to stay afloat, you know,
so like, but really there were so many moments where
we would collect medicine together and we would pray by
(02:43):
the river almost daily. And she helped me see the
world as familiar, familiar, and she helped me Um see
the world as something as something sacred quote unquote sacred.
When you look at that relationship between yourself and your mother,
do you think that her introducing you to that world
(03:05):
and having you live an authentic native or indigenous experience
helped you all hindered you in assimilating to the world
that was around you. And and and do you think that's
a good or a bad thing? It's difficult because she
was resistant to let me um fall into trying to
please people within academic institutions at school. She was like,
(03:25):
this is a choice, and it was not created to
hold up indigenous people. It was created to assimilate them
into a white culture. So she she always tried to
make me critical of the world, and I thank her
for that, but it also hindered me a lot because
I just wanted to be normal too, you know, And
I think, you know, ultimately it helped because my voice
(03:50):
is the voice I grew up around. And the voice
um that the book is is getting attention for is
is the one she gave me right and it is
a It is a voice that is apparent throughout the book.
As you're telling your stories, one thing becomes apparent, and
that is there's so many different themes. There's your life
on the reservation. There's your life within the family, which
(04:13):
is which is a different experience as well. You share
a heart wrenching tale of discovering that your father was
abusing you, which is something that's that's hard to comprehend.
What did you go through when you discovered that and
what do you mean by you discovered it? Yeah, I
think when you have when you had I told my
(04:35):
mother when I was young that I had been abused
by my father, and her reaction was negligent. Her reaction
was to kind of question if it really happened, because
she couldn't believe it because it would say something about
her as a mother too and her ability to protect me,
So she kind of didn't deal with it in the
(04:56):
right way. Which then again at sixteen, I let her
know again that I think this happened, Mom, Like I
remember these few few details, and you know, I told
her and trusted her to hold that space for me,
but she was not prepared, you know, and so I
kind of just tried to forget. And I think when
you do that active forgetting and you and you think, okay, well,
(05:18):
you know this person didn't listen to me who I
trusted so much and who I still trust so much
and love so much. You mitigate and you think, well,
I guess it didn't happen, or I guess I misremembered,
and then you realize when you're at the age I was,
which was like I think I was thirty two, and
I realized, no, I I would like to talk about
this now because she has long gone and all I
(05:40):
have is myself and I really need to get over
and you know, I need to look at this and
I need to talk about it, right. Yeah, When when
you look at your experiences growing up in the world
you grew up in, and your relationship with your father
and your mother, do you find that those things contributed
to the stage in the book where you talk about
having to institutionalize yourself and what was that? Like, what
(06:04):
is the conversation someone has with themselves where they go
I have mental health issues. I need to address this.
Is there a shame? Is there a fear? And how
do you overcome that? Yeah, there's this stigma when we
are vulnerable and we realize I'm crying more than I should.
I I feel debilitated, like I can't go to work
(06:25):
and I can't function. There's this um urge and people
encourage it that we just get over and go to work,
that we just don't deal with it. But then, you know,
I broke down after trying to just get over it
and deal, you know, deal with the day to day
aspect of life. I broke down and I had to
(06:45):
realize that, like my mental health was more important than
I'm going to work, you know. And I think I
had the luxury at the time that it happened where
I actually know I was evicted after I checked myself in.
So it really does have these effects. You have to
have the luxury of having being able to have a breakdown.
A lot of people don't, you know, a lot of
(07:06):
people can't just check themselves in. When they do, their
life has changed forever. And I was just kind of
lucky in that things did fall apart after that. But
I really I wasn't willing to give up hope, you know,
that was the last thing. I'm still holding it, and
that that is a thread that is apparent throughout the
book is hope, you know, from a hopeless place moving
(07:28):
forward to the space you're living in now, in the
loving relationship with your kids and with your husband and
surrounded by friends and your community, which I feel is
a big part of this story. How importance is it
or why do you think it's so important for Indigenous
voices to be heard in their most authentic way as
opposed to being told from the view of somebody on
the outside. Yeah. I think for a long time people
(07:51):
have engaged with our communities with with the hope to
fix it and save us, you know, And I think, um,
we never wanted that. We don't need missionaries, We need
um to do things for ourselves. And also um for
people to stop exploiting us and our land and our
(08:11):
resources and saying that we're doing it to ourselves when
we're poor, you know what I mean. Yeah, So I
think it's I don't know, I mean, I I look
at it. I think when I look at this book,
I know that like a Native woman who's probably a
single mom, and she might be on welfare. She might
go into a library and she might see a book
(08:32):
from a woman from her circumstance, you know, and I
like it. I think there should be more of it,
you know. Yeah, I think I agree with you. It's
a beautiful story. You have honestly one of the most
amazing voices when it comes to putting it down on
the page. Thank you so much for being able to.
A Beautiful Memoir is available now. Wat's The Daily Show,
(08:57):
Central Arm, Comedy Central, and stream Fool episode any time,
all on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central
podcast
You're listening to Comedy Central. My guest Tonight shares her
experiences growing up on a small Indian reservation in British
Columbia in her critically acclaimed debut book, Heartberries, a Memoir.
Please welcome, Teres Marie Mayatts, Welcome to the show. Thank you,
(00:31):
Thank you so much for being here, and thank you
so much for this book. This is an experience that
I think few people would envy, but most people would
connect to. It is a memoir of your life that
is written and it's honestly one of the most authentic
points of view I've ever come across. When you were
writing the book, one thing I wanted to discover from
(00:51):
the beginning was was it hard for you to figure
out how to be the voice of American Indian people.
But at the same time I realize that you're not
the voice for American Indian people. It's an interesting balance
to have. Yeah. I think when you come from a
collective culture, like a community that relies on each other,
and when you speak out against violence and against Indigenous women,
(01:16):
and when you speak out against um the way we're treated,
in the way disparity is working against our bodies and
who we are like, I feel like sometimes when I'm talking,
I feel representative, and then I remember, oh, this is
a singular story, like this is what happened to me,
And I feel like if I can speak out, I'm
going to encourage other women to do so as well,
(01:37):
UM and hold up their voices when they do so,
you know. And that's how I relieve the pressure of
feeling like, Okay, I'm not speaking for all Indigenous women,
but I am helping. You know, when you look at
your story and you that's the time that you've gone
through you you you speak about it's in a painful way,
(01:58):
in an authentic way, but in an in an uplifting
way at the same time. I mean, there's there's times
where you talk about growing up on the Riz as
a as a as a native person. Do you find
that you that you connect with your world in a
different way to how people perceive your world. Yeah, I
mean I grew up my mother was a healer, and
my mother was so powerful and also um, you know, exploited.
(02:21):
Her work was exploited UM and she was living UM
in a community where we were surviving on welfare, and
sometimes she was um employed in working seven hours a week,
and she had to neglect us to stay afloat, you know,
so like, but really there were so many moments where
we would collect medicine together and we would pray by
(02:43):
the river almost daily. And she helped me see the
world as familiar, familiar, and she helped me Um see
the world as something as something sacred quote unquote sacred.
When you look at that relationship between yourself and your mother,
do you think that her introducing you to that world
(03:05):
and having you live an authentic native or indigenous experience
helped you all hindered you in assimilating to the world
that was around you. And and and do you think that's
a good or a bad thing? It's difficult because she
was resistant to let me um fall into trying to
please people within academic institutions at school. She was like,
(03:25):
this is a choice, and it was not created to
hold up indigenous people. It was created to assimilate them
into a white culture. So she she always tried to
make me critical of the world, and I thank her
for that, but it also hindered me a lot because
I just wanted to be normal too, you know, And
I think, you know, ultimately it helped because my voice
(03:50):
is the voice I grew up around. And the voice
um that the book is is getting attention for is
is the one she gave me right and it is
a It is a voice that is apparent throughout the book.
As you're telling your stories, one thing becomes apparent, and
that is there's so many different themes. There's your life
on the reservation. There's your life within the family, which
(04:13):
is which is a different experience as well. You share
a heart wrenching tale of discovering that your father was
abusing you, which is something that's that's hard to comprehend.
What did you go through when you discovered that and
what do you mean by you discovered it? Yeah, I
think when you have when you had I told my
(04:35):
mother when I was young that I had been abused
by my father, and her reaction was negligent. Her reaction
was to kind of question if it really happened, because
she couldn't believe it because it would say something about
her as a mother too and her ability to protect me,
So she kind of didn't deal with it in the
(04:56):
right way. Which then again at sixteen, I let her
know again that I think this happened, Mom, Like I
remember these few few details, and you know, I told
her and trusted her to hold that space for me,
but she was not prepared, you know, and so I
kind of just tried to forget. And I think when
you do that active forgetting and you and you think, okay, well,
(05:18):
you know this person didn't listen to me who I
trusted so much and who I still trust so much
and love so much. You mitigate and you think, well,
I guess it didn't happen, or I guess I misremembered,
and then you realize when you're at the age I was,
which was like I think I was thirty two, and
I realized, no, I I would like to talk about
this now because she has long gone and all I
(05:40):
have is myself and I really need to get over
and you know, I need to look at this and
I need to talk about it, right. Yeah, When when
you look at your experiences growing up in the world
you grew up in, and your relationship with your father
and your mother, do you find that those things contributed
to the stage in the book where you talk about
having to institutionalize yourself and what was that? Like, what
(06:04):
is the conversation someone has with themselves where they go
I have mental health issues. I need to address this.
Is there a shame? Is there a fear? And how
do you overcome that? Yeah, there's this stigma when we
are vulnerable and we realize I'm crying more than I should.
I I feel debilitated, like I can't go to work
(06:25):
and I can't function. There's this um urge and people
encourage it that we just get over and go to work,
that we just don't deal with it. But then, you know,
I broke down after trying to just get over it
and deal, you know, deal with the day to day
aspect of life. I broke down and I had to
(06:45):
realize that, like my mental health was more important than
I'm going to work, you know. And I think I
had the luxury at the time that it happened where
I actually know I was evicted after I checked myself in.
So it really does have these effects. You have to
have the luxury of having being able to have a breakdown.
A lot of people don't, you know, a lot of
(07:06):
people can't just check themselves in. When they do, their
life has changed forever. And I was just kind of
lucky in that things did fall apart after that. But
I really I wasn't willing to give up hope, you know,
that was the last thing. I'm still holding it, and
that that is a thread that is apparent throughout the
book is hope, you know, from a hopeless place moving
(07:28):
forward to the space you're living in now, in the
loving relationship with your kids and with your husband and
surrounded by friends and your community, which I feel is
a big part of this story. How importance is it
or why do you think it's so important for Indigenous
voices to be heard in their most authentic way as
opposed to being told from the view of somebody on
the outside. Yeah. I think for a long time people
(07:51):
have engaged with our communities with with the hope to
fix it and save us, you know, And I think, um,
we never wanted that. We don't need missionaries, We need
um to do things for ourselves. And also um for
people to stop exploiting us and our land and our
(08:11):
resources and saying that we're doing it to ourselves when
we're poor, you know what I mean. Yeah, So I
think it's I don't know, I mean, I I look
at it. I think when I look at this book,
I know that like a Native woman who's probably a
single mom, and she might be on welfare. She might
go into a library and she might see a book
(08:32):
from a woman from her circumstance, you know, and I
like it. I think there should be more of it,
you know. Yeah, I think I agree with you. It's
a beautiful story. You have honestly one of the most
amazing voices when it comes to putting it down on
the page. Thank you so much for being able to.
A Beautiful Memoir is available now. Wat's The Daily Show,
(08:57):
Central Arm, Comedy Central, and stream Fool episode any time,
all on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central
podcast
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