July 17, 2025 • 49 mins
Chloe and Lala get real about toxic relationships, mental health, sobriety, jealousy & bitterness, the benefits of exposure therapy, and celebrating all your wins (get your tissues out!)! Plus, Chloe shares stories from Too Hot To Handle, and Netflix’s Sneaky Links, and reveals why you should definitely call into her new radio show, “Big Sister with Chloe Veitch” on the Unwell Network on SiriusXM!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, gorgeous. It is Lala Kent. I am beyond smitten
right now with my next guest. She is our Internet
it girl, reality TV star, and host of the brand
new radio show on the Unwell Network, Big Sister with
Chloe Beach. Please welcome Chloe Beach. Hello, gorgeous, Hello, oh divine,
(00:26):
you are like so beyond stunning.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Oh thank you?
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Like I looked at I cyberstalked you and I thought
you like, oh my, and I hate when people say
this to me, so it's not now I'm saying it.
Even how stunning you are on your Instagram, you're even
more breathtaking in person, if that is possible.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I love you, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
You can stay here all day to now what.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I used to take that as like a backhanded compliment
because I would then think, oh no, my Instagram isn't
good and I don't know, right am I not photogenic?
But now I'm like, no, that is because I feel
out when you see someone in person, they have an
aura and an energy, right, which then takes it from
Instagram and it's like lifelike.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Yeah, yeah, I think so too. And I think I
watched a video of yours where you got glammed up,
you got really close to the camera, you showed your
your wrinkles, your smile lines, and there was something about
that that I just loved so much. And I love
it not only for me. I'll be thirty five this year,
and even at this age, I still get onto, you know,
(01:30):
social media and go, I want to get my nose done, yeah,
to look like this girl's. I want to take these
lips in to show my plastic surgeon to give me
these lips.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
So I love it for me, but I love that
you did that. As someone who is a mom to
two girls, it's very scary raising kids in this new
world of social media and what they're going to be
exposed to and see, and they may not feel good
enough at moments. So I want to say thank you
for doing that, but also on the heels of what
we were just saying when you did that, when you
(02:01):
see someone in person, there's something about the humanness that
I think makes someone very beautiful the aura.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
And you humanize them. First of all, thank you. I
love you for that because I always I try not
to be like perfect and pristine on Instagram, and it's
sober hard because even like you sometimes I look at
people's instagrams, I'm like, I want a BBL.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
You just want to go so bad I can't even
stand it.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
I don't want to have to go to the gym
and like actually work for a bum, Like I want
to just just you know, fly to Turkey get it
bought right. But no, that's not the worst. My insecurity
is speaking to me so like I have to kind
of block it out, and I'm like, no, I'm perfect
the way I am, perfect way I am. I just
need to go to the gym.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
That's it.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Build the booty. I can change. I want to change.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
But by the way, I'm the same with you as
like the BBL. And then like when I Pamela Anderson started,
you know, the revival of her and all of the
photos that started coming.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Out of going on Red Carpets, flawless, flawless. Yeah right, yeah,
I actually just spoke about this on my radio show
and me literally saying that I think I'm going to
go into a Pamela Anderson because it's like it's exposure
to judgment and shame and fear of like not being
(03:17):
liked by other people, right, just like being authentically yourself.
And then you kind of lean into Oh no, this
is me and it's not actually that scary people see
me without makeup.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Do you think that people feel that way even who
are not in the public eye. Yeah, more so than
people that are in the public eye.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Do you think I feel like I can only speak
on my experience, and my experience is because I've been
exposed to so many eyes on me, and like people
have given me insecurities I didn't even know, like knew
I had so like, I don't know, I'm trying to
give you an example. My face is really long, and
(03:57):
I never really noticed that when I was a child.
It's you know, it's just a vice, guess where you
can swear, you can say whatever you want. It's just
a fucking vice, right, you know what? Now I'm like,
oh no, does my face look really long in pictures?
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Like what? Isn't it crazy?
Speaker 2 (04:14):
What even a thing? I know?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
And I felt that like I came into reality television,
I want to say, I think I had just turned
twenty four. I was very impressionable. I had very little confidence,
but I knew I wanted to be an entertainment and
at that time, I was like broken out and it
(04:36):
was like I either suck it up yeap and fake
my confidence until I actually have it, or I got
to go back to Utah and like go to college,
which I'm not good at school, get a normal job
like that just does not sound like something I would
be good at. And I literally got confidence. People would say, like,
(04:58):
how do I get your confidence? This was season four,
twenty four years old. I'm like, I don't. I don't
even have it.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
No, what is it? What is self validation? What is
self love? Like? What does it mean and look like
and feel like? To love yourself? And you learn that
by faking it.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
You fake it until you make it, exposing yourself to
feelings and judgment and then.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
Just it's like exposure therapy. My therapist says to me
all the time, Okay, I'm going to put you in
an emotion. You're going to feel it, and you're going
to recognize that you're not going to die. So I
feel the emotion and I'm like, oh my god, I
feel like I'm going to die, but I don't die, Okay, perfect.
So the next time I feel that emotion, I'm going
to feel like I'm going to die, and it's going
to expose me to that overwhelming feeling where of like
(05:40):
I'm not good enough. Pamela Anderson prime example, she is
good enough.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
And by the way, she's never looked better because it's
about like what's happening internally is coming out the.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Aurba the aura. Yeah, humanizing her. M h. I love it.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
I like the the exposure therapy that your therapist. I
for the first time, I want to say, in the
past week two weeks, have had to acknowledge when I
get jealous, we need.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
To talk about this, because time we need to talk
about this.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Okay, saying it makes me like I can feel the
elephant on my.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Chests, on yourself. You're putting yourself under the bus.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
I'm putting myself under the bus. And the only reason
I acknowledged this was, have you done a human design?
Your human design?
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Who I want to marry? Is Is that what I mean? No?
Speaker 1 (06:32):
But I love that, I wish that. I love that
I manifest that a human design as you put your
time of birth and where you were born. Oh yeah,
and it's it's not like your star sign. It's a
breakdown a blueprint of who you are. And my downfall
is bitterness. And then I clicked on it. I was like,
(06:55):
I don't love this word. I click on it and
it said you can take other people's success as a
personal attack and get jealous. And when you allow yourself
to feed into that and not acknowledge it, it blankets
who you are to your core, which is not that person,
(07:17):
and it dims your light. And I was like, I'm
going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Someone post me at please.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
So that I've had to literally in moments where I
see things and I'm like, I can't see it, I
can't hear about it. It's like you're feeling envious, you're
feeling jealous. You're taking their success or whatever it may be,
their face, their brand new lips that you'll never have.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Yeah, they're bum They're bum that I will have in
the year.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Once I consistently go to the camp, I can consistently
do it, acknowledge that, and be okay with it. You
won't die.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Yeah. Wow, Yeah, I'm so proud of you by the way,
I feel like you're my there. No, but that's hard.
That's really hard because looking at yourself in the mirror
and recognizing that beyond surface level, we all have toxic
traits like We sometimes are the problem. Yeah, just like
that meme, Am I the problem?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Sometimes we are the problem. So touched on what you've
just said, my boyfriend currently my current boyfriend. That sounds
really bad.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I know it.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
My boyfriend that I love very much. We are currently
going through something where he's constantly around beautiful women. Okay,
he manages talent, he's got like the Love Islanders on
his Rosstar and like people that he manages on a
day to day and he spends extensive amounts of time
with them, and I barely get to see him during
the day because he's working, like sixteen seventeen hours. My
(08:49):
ex cheated on me left me in Thailand. We were
looking at engagement rings two days before he slept with
multiple women. So from that previous wound, I'm currently bleeding
on my current I keep on saying current partner or
my partner currently, and I've had to kind of bite
(09:10):
my tongue a few times because I'm like, I feel
really upset and really angry. I don't know how to
express it, but I basically want to tell him to
just not ever be around women. But that's not healthy.
I'm not going to do that doesn't mean, I'm a
bad person for having those thoughts and feelings. I just
need to work out where it comes from, right and
how to expose myself to that feeling and know that
(09:32):
I'm not going to die and lean into that trust.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Well, that's what a trigger is. A trigger when people
are feeling triggered by something, is because it's bringing you
back to a moment that you were your most vulnerable,
you're most hurt, and even though that's not the situation
with your boyfriend, now, you cannot help the trauma that
your ex created. Yeah, is that something you work through
(09:59):
with your therapist?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Yeah, it is. It's something that I'm almost like too
fixated on and hyper aware about now. Okay, because my
ex I didn't really see any red red flags. I
was blinded. Now I'm like, oh shit, I'm exposed to
red flags that I didn't even know were red flags.
And now I'm like hyper fixating on is my boyfriend
gaslight in me? Right now? I need to ask CHATGBT
(10:22):
if this is a red flag, because I don't want
to ignore it just in case I get hurt again
like I did in my last relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Do you feel in your last relationship you ignored your gut,
so now you don't trust yourself.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Yeah, okay, massively.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
That's completely relatable. I think any woman who has been
in a serious relationship that ended could say there were
many times that they ignored their gut. Is this the
relationship where you had random strangers on the street trying
to get you out of this relationship?
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Do you feel comfortable talking about Yeah?
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:53):
How long were you guys, Like, how did it start
and what was it like when it ended.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
I've known him for fifteen years. He was one of
my brother's friends. It was surface level. He was always
in a relationship, and he was a little bit older
than me, so it wasn't really like we were going
to ever get together. And I met him again fresh
out of a breakup. I was in America for a
few months, come home see him, went to a barbecue together,
(11:21):
and we kind of just jumped straight into it. We
were going on dates every day. We were spending like
hours and hours and hours together. He was staying at
my family home, and then within four months of us
being together, I moved us into a home because we
were like, let's just do it, like, I love you,
this is great. I've known you forever. I know who
you are, and that honestly, you don't know who someone
(11:45):
is just because you've known them for fifteen years. I
didn't know what he was like in a relationship. I
didn't know need of how he was going to be
as a boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah, well once you add intimacy, different.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Completely different, Yeah, completely different. So it was great. There
was a few things that I was like, okay, I
mean I can communicate with him about this, Like he
was very quick to anger. He would internalize a lot
of his emotions and then he would like have an outburst.
And these outbursts would happen not very much in the
(12:19):
beginning because it was all like rainbows and sunshine. And
then he started to feel the guilt. I know for
a fact, because I was paying for everything, the rent,
the food, his clothes, on his back. I took him
away on his thirtieth birthday to Thailand, Australia. Like, but
I loved that. I was like, okay, like I can
(12:40):
be in my masculine sometimes. I love you. We can
make this work as long as you're working towards like
having a stable career, which he said that he was
wanting to do. And it just it kind of he
was just leaching off of me, and he was just
comfortable with me. And I think it reached a point
where other people started to notice that he was just
with me because it was comfortable, and he wasn't able
(13:02):
to give me that love because he didn't have that
self love himself, Like he hated who he was as
a person. And I was constantly trying to see tell
him like, oh, no, you're actually a really good person.
Just love yourself. You can't teach someone how to love themselves,
you know. And because of my life in the industry,
(13:23):
at first, I thought, I've been on TV a bunch,
he knows me from before TV. This is going to
be great. Like he's not going to be with me
for the money or the fame, because like I knew
him way before then, right, So when we got into
the relationship, he started to see a different side of me.
He was coming to podcasts. I flew him out to
America where I filmed my show that I hosted with Netflix.
(13:44):
He met the production he was in the green room,
like he was living a life that was like lavish, right,
you know, And I thought, maybe that will make him
love me more because of these outbursts. They would get
more and more and more. It wasn't like jealousy. He
wouldn't try and control me. He just couldn't control himself. Oh,
he didn't have the narcissist tendencies to be like, you
(14:06):
can't do this, I'm gonna gaslight you, I'm gonna manipulate you.
He didn't try to isolate you, no, Okay, if anything,
it was just he wanted to do whatever he wanted
to do in the relationship. But I would isolate myself
because of how shitty I felt being in the relationship.
If he smashed up the house, I wouldn't want my
family coming around because they'd ask questions, you know. So
(14:30):
he didn't force me to isolate myself, but he would
put me in situations where I had to and I
had no choice but to isolate myself. Right. But the
incident you just spoke about so towards the end, it
was very toxic. I should have left, But I don't
guilt myself anymore and think to myself, I caused my
(14:50):
own pain because I didn't leave. I felt like I
needed to stay in that relationship to run its full
course for me to fully come to the realization understanding
that this is something and someone I do not want,
I do not deserve this. I am completely in love
with myself and I need to love myself more than
him because I'm allowing him to treat me a certain way.
(15:12):
He cheated on me multiple times, and every time I
would bring it up to him, it was like I
was the one apologizing.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Oh he flipped it back, Yeah, to make you think
that you were the cause of his indiscretions.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
And that was a massive red flag. But I just
didn't see it.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
But you were also very very young. I mean you're
you're still young, but the early twenties, you're a baby, yeah,
and you think that love is something that it's just not.
And when he would have these outbursts, was he like verbally.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Abusive, Oh yeah, physical, all of the above, all of it,
all of the above. That that incident that you just
brought up. We were with an agent, see that I
just signed with. It was an out inn. Every time
he would drink, he would get like aggressive towards other
people or to me, And I said to him, can
you please not drink? I need you to be sober.
(16:11):
This is a work thing. I don't want you to
embarrass me. He came. He was four cans deep in
the bus uber ride on the way there. So I'm like, great, now,
I can't turn you background because you've already started drinking
and I'm going to be late. We're mixing a mingling
with everyone, and he was like off, floating about, and
my nervous system is telling me like, okay, he's going
to kick off. I just know it. So I'm already
(16:33):
feeling uneasy. Yeah, constantly scanning is he over there, is
he arguing with someone? Is he fighting someone? And then
he comes up to me like, why are you so anxious?
What's wrong with you? How do I tell someone I'm
just waiting for you to fuck up because I know
it's coming.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Well, you can't, you can't. He's deeply You said what
a trigger like you saying that is what it's going
to pop shit off?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Exactly? So I would ignore it, pretend to be okay,
fake the confidence. No one else knew what I was
going through. I was internalizing all of it. And then
he couldn't get into a club because they told him
he was too drunk.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
What Yeah, and you can't get into a nake club
during the day during the day during the day, it
was a rooftop bar.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Oh yeah, God, he grabbed me, he shoved me. He
was shouting at me like it was my fault. And
then the security guard actually said to him, I'm not
allowing you in. You're actually banned because of the way
that you've just spoke to your girlfriend. Wow. And because
someone else called him out on his own behavior towards me,
he ran off for forty five minutes.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Oh your little pussy.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
So I'm calling him, where are you. He's shouting down
the phone at me like it's my fault. So now
I'm having to apologize for the way I've behaved to him.
For him to even come back what like the most
exaggerated version of an avoidant. And I'm an anxious attachment
So I'm like, this, just this balance isn't gonna work, babe.
So I'm like, I've just pushed myself into understanding attachment
(17:57):
styles and understanding my self worth and now I'll never
be with an avoidant. No. Yeah, that's I.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Think incredible that at the age of twenty six, you
know that.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
And I try and preach to everyone. I'm like, if
anyone is listening, please don't listen to them self help books.
Just read up on anxious attachments, secure attachments.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Yeah, I need to research that.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I've been asking chatibt for years. You have a year
help me.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Was that something that your therapist raised? Was she like
you need to look into this, oh, talk about it?
Or this was well before the therapy. This is before
the therapist. Yeah, I got into therapy because of him. Wow, okay,
silver lining.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yeah, I'm so grateful.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
So then you're looking at engagement rings and he left
you in Thailand?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
M hmm, yeah, what the fuck?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
I know I would never leave you in Thailand ever.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Thank you? Do you want to go to Thailand? We
should go to Thailand.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
How long after this breakup did you land on too
hard to handle?
Speaker 2 (19:05):
Oh Jesus, I mean so too hot to handle was
when I was nineteen, So it was before. It was
before this guy. Too hot to handle was before this guy.
This guy was like last year, babe.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I know.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
That is so recent, so recent?
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Okay, can I ask you a question?
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Ask it.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
This is an almost thirty five year old asking a
twenty six year old. How do you know that you
have not healed enough to be in another relationship already?
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I asked myself that a thousand times over.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
And that's no judgment, that's just a real question. Curious.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
I was so scared to get into Anopp relationship because
I knew that I would put him in positions he
didn't need to be in. Okay, Like, why do you
want to look through my phone? Oh, because my ex
cheated on me? Bullshit, that's not that's not a good
enough excuse. Like, you need to heal yourself, work through
whatever trauma is EXS put you through. But when I
spoke to my therapist, she said to me, have three
(20:04):
months on your own, be with friends, be with family, cry, scream,
go through all of the grief stages, anger, upset, denial,
and then once you've reached the end of that three months,
sit down and write down why you love yourself and
then work through self love. And that's what I'm continuously
doing even to this day. So she said to me,
you can actually heal whilst you're in another relationship. But
(20:29):
only it's so controversial, controversial because I honestly can't even
believe that I'm in another relationship right now, Like I
thought I would be single for another two years because
of all the stuff my ex put you through. But
having a partner that's healthy, that communicates with me. I've
(20:49):
never seen my boyfriend angry like he deals with anger
in so many different ways. He doesn't need to check
a table or grab me or shout in my face.
He doesn't trigger that in me. He is very much like, Okay,
well let's speak about it. Wow.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Communication, And I'm like, oh my god, sounds so simple.
I always say. I'm like, every time you think about
anything going south, it always comes down to one of
the most simple words, communication, Yet it is so complex
for any of us to implement into any relationship.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
One hundred percent. Yeah. I think Also, one thing that
helped with anyone that may have just got out of
a toxic relationship was wanting to get into another, not
another toxic relationship, but another relationship, is understanding what gas
lighting is. Understanding what manipulation is in the different forms
(21:44):
it can come in your core values, your core beliefs,
moral compass. Like having a greater understanding of that is
so like. Okay, So if I'm in a conversation as
someone's trying to manipulate me, I get that feeling of them,
this doesn't feel right, And then I can talk to
my therapist about it. I feel like that's how I'm
able to heal whilst being in this new relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
What's the age difference between you and your current your boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Why? I don't know, because it's a trend on TikTok.
I'm like my current boyfriend, my boyfriend, he's that three.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Okay, so he's in his thirties.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Got his shit together.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
We were talking about this earlier. There's just something about
when someone hits their thirties, specifically women, because you just
come into your own And I feel like the Kim
Kardashians and Gwen Stefani's and Jalo's of the world have
made even Pamela Anderson, they've made age something that we
(22:45):
should not be afraid of, like it used to be,
like I'm gonna be thirty. I've been watching Sex in
the City and they talk about even friends, they talk about,
oh my gosh, I'm going to be thirty, and it's
like this scary, like big number that no one wants
to hit. Yeah, and I don't feel like it's that
way anymore. Did you?
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Was you nervous before you tenth thay? Like, what was
that like combedn't I I was not.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
I didn't even think about it, and I think about it,
and I'm such a thinker. I don't know why I
didn't think about it.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
I Also, I was pregnant and gave birth at thirty,
so I don't think I was fixated on the fact
that I was getting older. I was more fixated on
the fact that I was like growing a person inside
of me.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Yeah, you know, and.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Then you have to push it out, and you got
to push it out, and you got to do the
whole thing and then you have to be responsible for
it for the rest of its life. And it's just
you're not focused on the fact you're turning third you know,
You're like.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Oh, I have to ray y'all need to just have
a vibee.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
No, don't do that.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
Shall just have a vibe.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Even thirty though, was very young. Like I look back
and that relationship ended, and I'm like, Okay, if if
we were to redo this, I wouldn't redo it, because
my my four year old is magical. Yeah, but I'm
like women who think that we obviously have the biological
clock happening. Let's just say we live in a perfect world.
And that's not a thing. Thirty is very young. I
(24:06):
would not advise anybody to have a child at thirty. Yeah,
I would say, wait a minute, because you become an
entirely new person, like get reacquainted with the person that
you will now be, and then bring the baby into
the mix. That's what I would say. Yeah, now that
you asked me for my advice.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
No, but I wanted your advice. I think that's something
that we all need to hear because the biological clock
is such a thing and I don't know what it is,
but like, if I'm just being vulnerable for a minute,
I've felt such a shift in my energy and my
emotional intelligence and my maturity in a way that's like
(24:45):
good for me. I'm like, okay, I can have like
an adult conversation, pay my taxes whatever, Da da da
da da. But then a part of me mourns that
version of me that had no cares, no responsibilities, like
going out with my friends, having a three day are
waking up at six pm, and now I can't do that,
and it's like, oh, I've changed so much. I think
(25:06):
that's why I have that fear, not necessarily because of
the number thirty but it's because it's that dread of
if I'm not where I'm supposed to be by that age,
does that mean I've failed? And I don't think that's true.
I just think that's the pressure I'm putting on my
own head that I feel like everyone does, whether that
(25:28):
age is thirty, forty fifty, twenty twenty five. I feel
like I've evolved so much, and like you have to
like being a mom, your podcasts evolved so much through
different stages, like you said, like rolling with the punches.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
That's what I've and as a vir girl that does
not like I don't like the wind to blow away,
that I'm not planning. I don't like to not have control.
And once you well, once I had kids, it was like, oh,
I'm realizing how little control I have over everything in life.
(26:04):
And I'm wondering if that if you've always been that way,
or if when you enter too hot to handle, because
then you're in the public eye and you can kind
of take that. There's two directions you can go. There's
people that enter reality TV or whatever it may be,
the public eye and they're either there for that moment
(26:25):
and then they go back to normal life or they
really take the opportunity by the balls and they catapult
it and parlay it into something different. Do you feel
like you were born that way of always striving for
more and wanting more, or once you got a taste
of the opportunities that too hot to Handle brought to you,
(26:45):
was say like, oh I want I'm here to take
over the entire house, like the door has been opened.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
I was way too young, Domin Knive, so we even
have that thought, any of those thoughts. I think when
I got the show Taught to Hand or I was
nineteen years old, I was there for a laugh. I thought,
probably won't find love. I'm just here for a good time. Yeah.
And then the confidence I got from the fans' reactions
of me being on screens, being authentically myself and just
(27:13):
being weird, funny and full of ADHD, I was like, oh,
I am enough. And then like having people constantly message
me every day like you've helped me tell my boyfriend
that this is toxic and I've left my boyfriend and
I'm like, oh shit. My purpose is to speak and
be vulnerable about shit that's going on in my life
to help other people go through theirs. And I feel
(27:36):
like I'm the type of person to always want, Like
I'm always like, what's next, what's the next thing? I
want to do something else. But I also because I
have ADHD pour myself in so many different directions that
sometimes I just paralyze and I'm like, Oh, I don't
want to do anything, or I have so much to do,
I just don't want to start. Yeah, you know, and
then that feeds into my insecurities of not being enough
(27:59):
my self, limiting beliefs. Some of my friends in the
same industry that started on the same show as me
at driving Lamborghinis, they have millions in the bank, they
have multiple businesses. I'm not there. That means I've failed.
So it's like realizing an age of whatever age you're at,
that everyone is always going to be on a different path.
(28:20):
You just got to be always driving to be the
best version of yourself and being happy with what you have.
Someone actually sent me a voice note the other day
because when the radio show launched with Unwell and Serious XM,
I didn't celebrate it. I was like, oh, it's a
small win. One of my friends went, you fucking joke it.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
I feel like you and I are the same person
right now.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Sorry, everything you're saying is hitting very close literally. Okay,
So you didn't feel like you could celebrate it because
you felt like it was a small win because.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
In our industry, it's a small win. It's like, oh,
she has a podcast, whereas to someone that kind of
goes to work, goes home wants to listen to that podcast,
it's like that's a big win for them. It's like,
I wish I could have my own bookcast. My friend
said to me, she said, you are in an industry
where you could have everything and still not be enough.
(29:11):
So you need to know that you are enough and
then everything else will fall into place, and then you'll
feel validated in that, you know.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Yeah, No, you're speaking so true to me and I
know many other people because I constantly am feeling when
I feel at peace or content, I go, we've gotten lazy.
Look at what this person's doing. Look you're what that
person is doing. This is a small win. Yeah, And
(29:40):
I will beat myself up until I have exhausted, Like
I will go to bed at night with a splitting
headache and I'm like I have kaoed myself. Yeah, to
the point of just like bruised, beaten, battered, and how
did we get here? And the other the other day
when I had a acknowledged you get bitter, you get jealous,
(30:02):
you take some people's success as a personal attack, has
nothing to do with you. I was sitting here thinking
about all of the things that I've wanted in the
past two years, and my biggest thing was I wanted
to bring another baby into the world. I don't know
if you know this. I had a really toxic relationship
that my daughter, Ocean, came out of she's four. Because
(30:24):
I was so just traumatized by that whole situation, I
ended up getting a sperm donor for my second baby
because I knew I wanted more kids.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Oh my good love.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Yeah, so she's ten months old. Oh congratulations, thanks.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Oh that's beautiful, thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
So that was like a whole thing, right, I'm like, Okay,
I need to pick the donor, and you know, health wise,
we have to work well together, but also like I'm
bringing a member into the family and I just need
to make sure like, yeah, she's already going to have
a lot of people ask her questions. How do I
make her life less difficult?
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Right?
Speaker 1 (30:57):
And I just said I want to pour my heart
and soul into just being the best mom, and I
want to be available for every single moment. And then
I start having moments of jealousy, right, And I literally
had to sit down and like feel the ground and go,
why are we jealous? Talk myself through it. I was
literally having a conversation with myself that's that do it no,
(31:19):
totally asking myself questions aloud and answering them aloud like
a psychopath.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Uh huh.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
And then I thought about all of the things that
I have wanted and craved and what makes me feel
peaceful and whole, and it always comes back to my
two kids. Right. I'll be able to build brands, I'll
be able to record a podcast. What I'll never be
able to do is get that moment back where I
(31:46):
was so fucked up on being jealous and in my
own head that I missed my daughter doing something amazing, right,
Because those moments are so fleeting, and it doesn't even
have to go back to kids. You having a beautiful,
romantic dinner with your boyfriend. You'll never get that moment back.
You will never get the moment back of someone saying
to you, we're giving you your own show on the
(32:08):
Unwell Network. That's never going to happen age. So if
we don't celebrate the win in the moment, it's gone.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Yeah, that's enough to.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Bring you to your knees too.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
I'm on my knees. It brought me to my knees
right now. I'm like, okay, I'm present.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
So did you ever end up celebrating or did your
friend saying that resonate?
Speaker 2 (32:35):
It was kind of too late for me to celebrate
because it was already like eight pm on the night
that I launched. But I took a moment for gratitude.
I think that's okay to me. That would be a
celebratory moment of gratitude to just recognize what I've done.
And I think, like, even with you, like you've been
through so much to be where you are today, sometimes
(32:58):
we don't even need a win, look back and reflect,
Oh fuck, yeah, have birth to babies, babe. Yeah, Like
you look gorgeous, thank you look a day over twenty five.
I love that A style of Madonna style icon. I
fucking love like, Honestly, sometimes we are more than enough.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
I feel like women battle this more than men. I
just don't see men sitting here being like I'm not enough.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
Yeah. I it's funny because Sam.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
I think that women have such a this internal battle
that is so complex, and we're all looking for the
answers to why we deal with things in a certain way.
And I don't know if you're ever able to conquer
it unless you just you gain years, right, and then
(33:51):
you can look at someone who's younger than you and say,
I know what you're feeling. Shake it off. But then
cut you're in your fifties or whatever, and it's a
whole new set of insecurities and problems.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Yeah, now my back's now. I need a new hip, right,
I can't walk in heels anymore. Oh my god, I
don't even want to think about it.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
It's scary.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Yeah. I think the lesson is embracing who you are,
no matter how long I'm far you are down the road.
So like me, I was mourning a person that I
was before I got responsibilities. Yeah, you were just talking
about mourning the person you were before you had a
child and become a mother. But it's like we have
to disembrace it and roll with the punches.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
Roll with the punches.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
Sometimes they're not punches they're kisses.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Oh I love that too.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
It's like an hyper pie a quote.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
So I call my family my pod because we're like orcas.
Like I bought a house when my relationship went south
with my eggs. My mom moved out, and then I
moved my brother in, and now we all live together
and we're like raising these kids as a family. And
I'm like love that. It's like a very beautiful situation
in structure that we've created, right, and it's not gonna
(35:05):
last forever. You know, my brother's going to find a person.
I will one day find my partner, but for now,
like it's great. Do you have like your little circle
of people? I mean at twenty six, I well, at
twenty six, I was a drunk, full transparency. We're approaching
seven years of sobriety one day at a tengratulation. But
(35:25):
thank you. And I wonder, because you've been in this
for so long and because you experienced such a toxic
relationship at such a young age, did you learn to
keep your circle tight?
Speaker 2 (35:37):
No? No, no, I feel like it's been hard for
me because I've tried to be cautious about who I'm
friends with, who I'm letting into my circle. But I'm
such an energy person. I think if you have a
good vibe, I will allow you in my life completely
and fully until you prove me otherwise, okay. Which is
(35:58):
an extensive version of like a friend group. I have friends,
friends of friends, friends of family friends. Everyone has access
to me, and I feel like that's one thing that
I'm working on in therapy to kind of limit that
access to a certain degree. Yeah, so I get drained
a lot. It's like, oh shit, okay, oh so.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
Energy drains you, Like I When I'm around a lot
of people, I feel like I have an interaction hangover. Yeah,
where like I need to retreat and like be by myself.
Is that what happens to you?
Speaker 2 (36:30):
Definitely? I was actually sober for two and a half years. Wow,
I was a friend of Bill as well. Really yeah,
I love of time And it was the moment, like
I learned so much about myself in those two and
a half years of sobriety and I feel like I
completely shifted. And I looked at myself. I was how
(36:52):
old was I? I think I was twenty Okay, Yeah,
I looked at all my previous friends in the circles
I was in and it was just like people that
I didn't really want or should have around me. It
was very much like bloodsucking creatures. And now I have
like a smaller friend group. Well was something that actually
happened quite recently. I am a few months ago. If
(37:15):
I'm being completely honest, I had really really, really really
low dip. I felt really.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Low.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
I didn't want to be here. It was like, okay,
I've had enough. So I rang one of my friends. Actually, no,
I rang my therapist and I said, I'm having these thoughts.
I'm really worried, but like I'm almost kind of at
peace with it. It's weird, like it's scary when you
have those thoughts because you don't necessarily want to fight
against them. It's almost like you just want to give
in to them. It's the best way I can describe it.
(37:42):
And she said, okay, that's fine, Like, thank you for
being honest with me. Let's who do you feel safe around.
And I'm like, I mean, I don't really feel anything
right now. I'm feeling numb. She said, well, let me
call your friend Brian. I'm like, okay, So she called Brian,
who's one of my best friends. I met him one
perfect match. He was one of the producers. Okay, and
it was really scary because I'm away from home. I
only moved to LA about a year ago. It's taken
(38:04):
me a while. Like I don't even feel fully settled
in right now. Like, so my friendship group is so sporadic.
I'm still learning people. He came to my house and oh,
I'm getting emotional. He came to my house and he
held me like a baby, and it was one of
(38:25):
the only times that I'd drank since been sober, and
all those thoughts come back to me. So I haven't
spoken about this publicly yet, but I went back to
drinking after being sober, and I feel like, because oh
my god, I'm so sorry not I.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
Wish I wouldn't have thrown those things the way. Can
we get her a tissue please, I can dub it.
Are you okay? Yeah, Well you're in such a safe space.
Oh I love that.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
Thank you. I feel like because I like announced to
the world that I was sober in sobriety, and I
still get messages to this day like you've helped me
go to AA and like find myself. And my daughter
is so thankful that her Mum's now sober. I've been
carrying these guilt of like I'm not sober anymore. You know,
(39:19):
I felt like a fraud because I feel like, oh God,
if I tell people that I've drank or that I've
gone back to drinking, what if I'm putting other people's
lives at risk? Like what if they idolize me for
being sober? And then if I say I'm back drinking,
they go, right, I'm going to drink now because Chloe's drinking,
Like I feel like, because I'm a person of influence,
(39:41):
I I don't want to feel that guilt and that pressure.
You know, there's a lot of pressure. But again, oh
thank you such a cry baby.
Speaker 1 (39:56):
But you're in good company with that.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Yeah. One of the the moments that I knew that
my friend Brian loved me, And so anyone out there listening,
it's so important to just let your guard down when
you need to, because if I'd have kept quiet, I
wouldn't have had such an enlightenment on how much my
(40:21):
friend Brian loves me. So he cradled me like a baby.
He took me to the doctors. I got the help
that I needed. I spoke to professionals. And then I
came back home and I was like, I can't go
home because my bedroom's a mess, and he said, no,
I got a cleaner to clean your bedroom for you.
Do you want me to come and stay around yours
until you feel better? So it's like he was there
(40:43):
for me. He doesn't just love me because I'm funny.
He doesn't just love me because I dress nice when
I go out and he looks good next to me,
and I look good next to him. I could be
at my lowest of loves and he'd still be there
for me. And I carried so much shame for having
all these emotions, and it actually might describe stronger. It's
(41:05):
like I could trust you with my life. Yeah, Like
that's a friend. So I answer to your question, I've
only probably got one or two friends that I hold
closer to me.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
I love everything that just happened just now, and I'm
so happy that you have, Brian. I don't want you
to feel the weight of other people's sobriety or addiction.
I don't want that is not your story, And it's
(41:36):
easier said than done because I've had those moments too
where I'm like I anything that is forever can become
very daunting and paralyzing, and there are moments when I
think about, like I can never have another drink again.
I start having anxiety because it's a forever, yeah, And
(41:57):
that's why I'm like, okay, just one day at a time.
But I also have those moments of if I were
to do this, I would let other people down. And
me saying to you is what I'm saying is also
me trying to practice what I preach. Not that I'm
going to go out and drink, but I just don't
(42:17):
want you to feel like that is your responsibility, because
it isn't. There's so many other things that you've offered
just on this forty two minutes of a podcast that
I know that I'm going to carry very closely, and
I know other people are going to do the exact
same And you're just so wise for a twenty six
year old, Like I was not like you at all
(42:41):
at twenty six, And we do and it's just a
part of our story. And I've learned in this life
that we're all just doing the best that we can.
And it's such a it's such a funky time because
we're all doing the best we can, but no one's
trying to help anyone out right. The internet's gotten vile. Yeah,
(43:04):
everyone's up in arms about just the state of everything.
And that's just one one pressure that you should take
off of yourself. Yeah, you know, definitely, not that that
would carry any weight, but as someone who's sober, I'm
telling you, like, please don't carry that with you. Thank you,
(43:25):
You're very welcome.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
The first time I've actually said it out loud, I
feel kind of good. Yeah, this was amazing good. That's
me practicing what I preach. I'm like, I'm preaching people
to be vulnerable. There you go, there's my It's very hard.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
It's very hard to be vulnerable. And and once we
are going back to the me admitting my jealousy issues,
I'm like, at the moment, it was very suffocating. Yeah,
And I'm like, but for some reason, I feel like
I've just come out as like an addict all over again. Right, Yeah,
(44:01):
I'm like, oh the elephant. Okay, we're living in our
truth and the only way to get a handle and
implement tools YEP is admitting is always the first step
with any grassing yourself up right exactly, So what is
your show on a happier, fun, exciting note. Your show
(44:21):
on the Unwell Network, tell us what it's called the
radio show? It was supposed to be a podcast.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
No, I wanted to. I wanted to go into the
podcast well okay, Alex Cooper and them. But then she's
just done a massive deal with Serious XM, and I
was like, I want to be the first ogs to
have a radio show. Another thing under my belt. I've
just hosted my first epishow, Sneaky Links, that's out on
Netflix right now. It's all so exciting. Oh my gosh,
it's crazy. I definitely celebrated that whim good for going
(44:49):
out for dinner. Yes, but it's called Big Sister with
Chloe Beach, and it's a space in which we talk
about reality TV, my opinions on it, and also just
giving people advice. Basically what we have just spoken about, okay,
is like every Friday Live at twelve pmst Ah. I
(45:09):
love it. I call my friends. I'm like, babe, I
need some advice. My boyfriend's been busing me off. What
should I do? So it's very much fun, emotional, vulnerable.
It's got that shock factor.
Speaker 1 (45:21):
Do people write in, Yeah, they call in.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Oh, they call call in.
Speaker 1 (45:25):
You've got the personal connection going, yeah, And do you
stick to one topic each Friday or is it kind
of all all over the place like a tangent.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Whatever's happening that week? Okay, Yeah, we have segments. We've
got de Lulu is not the Slulu. It's where I
basically say something that's been going on in my life
that I've been delusional about. Okay, and I kind of
go into the solution. And then we have a segment
where someone calls in. I give them advice, and I
call my friend, they give me advice, and then we
just talk about the a reality show that's been viral,
(45:57):
Like we spoke about Love Island.
Speaker 1 (46:00):
So my brother has been watching Love Island. I've never
watched Love Island. I watched like a couple episodes of
season two because I thought that this one guy was
super hot and I d M him and the can
we believe it? His name again? It was season two.
His name was oh dear like tall. Yes, this covered
(46:21):
season season two, so they're on season seven, so this
was like, but I had just started watching season two
because I'm like, this guy's hot. And then he had
in his bio that he was on Love Island. But
he responded to my DM right off the bat as,
are you trying to get your back blown out?
Speaker 2 (46:42):
Wha? I was like, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:48):
I was like, yeah, I'll catch you when I land.
Speaker 2 (46:51):
Give me three to five business marchandised to figure out.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
But I was like, wow, like how confident?
Speaker 2 (46:58):
What did you say? What was your first message?
Speaker 1 (47:01):
Well, I have no game anymore, so my first message
to him was the chef's kiss emoji?
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (47:07):
And then hero, are you trying to get your bag
blown out?
Speaker 2 (47:10):
Which is vile?
Speaker 1 (47:11):
It's a lot where will be gone?
Speaker 2 (47:13):
I'm sorry it's gone.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Does your man have any friends? Any good ones? He's
too busy right?
Speaker 2 (47:21):
Yeah? I mean I wouldn't well hit me in mind.
Please show me the radio this Friday reckon Advice.
Speaker 1 (47:32):
I love this so much. My last question is how
do you know if someone is the one.
Speaker 2 (47:43):
For me personally?
Speaker 1 (47:44):
Right now?
Speaker 2 (47:46):
I can see the growth after every conversation. Okay, I
can feel my nervous system get quiet and quie. I
can feel physically my body's reaction to stress and lesson
and it's like a dance. You know, it's not it's
going to be perfect. Sometimes you'll piss me off. I'll
piss it. Yeah, it's you just feel.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
It, you feel it. I love what you said about
the conversations because it sounds to me what I gathered
is that you know someone is going to be the one.
I mean, none of us have a crystal ball and
we don't know what the future holds, but evolving together.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
And I think also trusting in yourself because you can
have that feeling that they're the one, right, but like,
don't be an idiot. You know, there's like intuition and
gut feelings and then like reality, yeah, red flags and
all the other bullshit and smoke and mirrors. So I
don't believe in love at first sight or someone definitely
(48:48):
being the one because my parents were married and now
they're no longer. Yeah, So I think you just gotta
trust your gut, trust it instincts, and just communicate. Yeah,
and having great set. That's very fan. I'm sorry, thank
you for the rest of my life. Thank you very much.
That's one. There, it is, you're the one. You're the one.
Speaker 1 (49:12):
I've done enough charity fucking for the rest of my life.
Oh my god, for shre Yeah no more. All right,
I'm over it. Where can people find you? Follow you,
watch you on TV, give me all the Tea Oh
No So shows.
Speaker 2 (49:24):
I'm klobbe Bach and you can watch my newish show
Sneak Links on Netflix premiere in It's out now, and
then my radio show is live every Friday on a
serious XM channel seven eight six.
Speaker 1 (49:37):
This is so exciting. I'm celebrating for you. Thank you,
congratulations on all of your massive wins. Thank you for
being on my podcast, my love. Thank you for listening
to another episode of the Give Them a La Podcast.
I'm going to catch you guys on Monday for the
bonus and again next Wednesday.
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Bye,
Hello, gorgeous. It is Lala Kent. I am beyond smitten
right now with my next guest. She is our Internet
it girl, reality TV star, and host of the brand
new radio show on the Unwell Network, Big Sister with
Chloe Beach. Please welcome Chloe Beach. Hello, gorgeous, Hello, oh divine,
(00:26):
you are like so beyond stunning.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Oh thank you?
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Like I looked at I cyberstalked you and I thought
you like, oh my, and I hate when people say
this to me, so it's not now I'm saying it.
Even how stunning you are on your Instagram, you're even
more breathtaking in person, if that is possible.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I love you, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
You can stay here all day to now what.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I used to take that as like a backhanded compliment
because I would then think, oh no, my Instagram isn't
good and I don't know, right am I not photogenic?
But now I'm like, no, that is because I feel
out when you see someone in person, they have an
aura and an energy, right, which then takes it from
Instagram and it's like lifelike.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Yeah, yeah, I think so too. And I think I
watched a video of yours where you got glammed up,
you got really close to the camera, you showed your
your wrinkles, your smile lines, and there was something about
that that I just loved so much. And I love
it not only for me. I'll be thirty five this year,
and even at this age, I still get onto, you know,
(01:30):
social media and go, I want to get my nose done, yeah,
to look like this girl's. I want to take these
lips in to show my plastic surgeon to give me
these lips.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
So I love it for me, but I love that
you did that. As someone who is a mom to
two girls, it's very scary raising kids in this new
world of social media and what they're going to be
exposed to and see, and they may not feel good
enough at moments. So I want to say thank you
for doing that, but also on the heels of what
we were just saying when you did that, when you
(02:01):
see someone in person, there's something about the humanness that
I think makes someone very beautiful the aura.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
And you humanize them. First of all, thank you. I
love you for that because I always I try not
to be like perfect and pristine on Instagram, and it's
sober hard because even like you sometimes I look at
people's instagrams, I'm like, I want a BBL.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
You just want to go so bad I can't even
stand it.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
I don't want to have to go to the gym
and like actually work for a bum, Like I want
to just just you know, fly to Turkey get it
bought right. But no, that's not the worst. My insecurity
is speaking to me so like I have to kind
of block it out, and I'm like, no, I'm perfect
the way I am, perfect way I am. I just
need to go to the gym.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
That's it.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Build the booty. I can change. I want to change.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
But by the way, I'm the same with you as
like the BBL. And then like when I Pamela Anderson started,
you know, the revival of her and all of the
photos that started coming.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Out of going on Red Carpets, flawless, flawless. Yeah right, yeah,
I actually just spoke about this on my radio show
and me literally saying that I think I'm going to
go into a Pamela Anderson because it's like it's exposure
to judgment and shame and fear of like not being
(03:17):
liked by other people, right, just like being authentically yourself.
And then you kind of lean into Oh no, this
is me and it's not actually that scary people see
me without makeup.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Do you think that people feel that way even who
are not in the public eye. Yeah, more so than
people that are in the public eye.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Do you think I feel like I can only speak
on my experience, and my experience is because I've been
exposed to so many eyes on me, and like people
have given me insecurities I didn't even know, like knew
I had so like, I don't know, I'm trying to
give you an example. My face is really long, and
(03:57):
I never really noticed that when I was a child.
It's you know, it's just a vice, guess where you
can swear, you can say whatever you want. It's just
a fucking vice, right, you know what? Now I'm like,
oh no, does my face look really long in pictures?
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Like what? Isn't it crazy?
Speaker 2 (04:14):
What even a thing? I know?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
And I felt that like I came into reality television,
I want to say, I think I had just turned
twenty four. I was very impressionable. I had very little confidence,
but I knew I wanted to be an entertainment and
at that time, I was like broken out and it
(04:36):
was like I either suck it up yeap and fake
my confidence until I actually have it, or I got
to go back to Utah and like go to college,
which I'm not good at school, get a normal job
like that just does not sound like something I would
be good at. And I literally got confidence. People would say, like,
(04:58):
how do I get your confidence? This was season four,
twenty four years old. I'm like, I don't. I don't
even have it.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
No, what is it? What is self validation? What is
self love? Like? What does it mean and look like
and feel like? To love yourself? And you learn that
by faking it.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
You fake it until you make it, exposing yourself to
feelings and judgment and then.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
Just it's like exposure therapy. My therapist says to me
all the time, Okay, I'm going to put you in
an emotion. You're going to feel it, and you're going
to recognize that you're not going to die. So I
feel the emotion and I'm like, oh my god, I
feel like I'm going to die, but I don't die, Okay, perfect.
So the next time I feel that emotion, I'm going
to feel like I'm going to die, and it's going
to expose me to that overwhelming feeling where of like
(05:40):
I'm not good enough. Pamela Anderson prime example, she is
good enough.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
And by the way, she's never looked better because it's
about like what's happening internally is coming out the.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Aurba the aura. Yeah, humanizing her. M h. I love it.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
I like the the exposure therapy that your therapist. I
for the first time, I want to say, in the
past week two weeks, have had to acknowledge when I
get jealous, we need.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
To talk about this, because time we need to talk
about this.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Okay, saying it makes me like I can feel the
elephant on my.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Chests, on yourself. You're putting yourself under the bus.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
I'm putting myself under the bus. And the only reason
I acknowledged this was, have you done a human design?
Your human design?
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Who I want to marry? Is Is that what I mean? No?
Speaker 1 (06:32):
But I love that, I wish that. I love that
I manifest that a human design as you put your
time of birth and where you were born. Oh yeah,
and it's it's not like your star sign. It's a
breakdown a blueprint of who you are. And my downfall
is bitterness. And then I clicked on it. I was like,
(06:55):
I don't love this word. I click on it and
it said you can take other people's success as a
personal attack and get jealous. And when you allow yourself
to feed into that and not acknowledge it, it blankets
who you are to your core, which is not that person,
(07:17):
and it dims your light. And I was like, I'm
going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Someone post me at please.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
So that I've had to literally in moments where I
see things and I'm like, I can't see it, I
can't hear about it. It's like you're feeling envious, you're
feeling jealous. You're taking their success or whatever it may be,
their face, their brand new lips that you'll never have.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Yeah, they're bum They're bum that I will have in
the year.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Once I consistently go to the camp, I can consistently
do it, acknowledge that, and be okay with it. You
won't die.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Yeah. Wow, Yeah, I'm so proud of you by the way,
I feel like you're my there. No, but that's hard.
That's really hard because looking at yourself in the mirror
and recognizing that beyond surface level, we all have toxic
traits like We sometimes are the problem. Yeah, just like
that meme, Am I the problem?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Sometimes we are the problem. So touched on what you've
just said, my boyfriend currently my current boyfriend. That sounds
really bad.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I know it.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
My boyfriend that I love very much. We are currently
going through something where he's constantly around beautiful women. Okay,
he manages talent, he's got like the Love Islanders on
his Rosstar and like people that he manages on a
day to day and he spends extensive amounts of time
with them, and I barely get to see him during
the day because he's working, like sixteen seventeen hours. My
(08:49):
ex cheated on me left me in Thailand. We were
looking at engagement rings two days before he slept with
multiple women. So from that previous wound, I'm currently bleeding
on my current I keep on saying current partner or
my partner currently, and I've had to kind of bite
(09:10):
my tongue a few times because I'm like, I feel
really upset and really angry. I don't know how to
express it, but I basically want to tell him to
just not ever be around women. But that's not healthy.
I'm not going to do that doesn't mean, I'm a
bad person for having those thoughts and feelings. I just
need to work out where it comes from, right and
how to expose myself to that feeling and know that
(09:32):
I'm not going to die and lean into that trust.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Well, that's what a trigger is. A trigger when people
are feeling triggered by something, is because it's bringing you
back to a moment that you were your most vulnerable,
you're most hurt, and even though that's not the situation
with your boyfriend, now, you cannot help the trauma that
your ex created. Yeah, is that something you work through
(09:59):
with your therapist?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Yeah, it is. It's something that I'm almost like too
fixated on and hyper aware about now. Okay, because my
ex I didn't really see any red red flags. I
was blinded. Now I'm like, oh shit, I'm exposed to
red flags that I didn't even know were red flags.
And now I'm like hyper fixating on is my boyfriend
gaslight in me? Right now? I need to ask CHATGBT
(10:22):
if this is a red flag, because I don't want
to ignore it just in case I get hurt again
like I did in my last relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Do you feel in your last relationship you ignored your gut,
so now you don't trust yourself.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Yeah, okay, massively.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
That's completely relatable. I think any woman who has been
in a serious relationship that ended could say there were
many times that they ignored their gut. Is this the
relationship where you had random strangers on the street trying
to get you out of this relationship?
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Do you feel comfortable talking about Yeah?
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:53):
How long were you guys, Like, how did it start
and what was it like when it ended.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
I've known him for fifteen years. He was one of
my brother's friends. It was surface level. He was always
in a relationship, and he was a little bit older
than me, so it wasn't really like we were going
to ever get together. And I met him again fresh
out of a breakup. I was in America for a
few months, come home see him, went to a barbecue together,
(11:21):
and we kind of just jumped straight into it. We
were going on dates every day. We were spending like
hours and hours and hours together. He was staying at
my family home, and then within four months of us
being together, I moved us into a home because we
were like, let's just do it, like, I love you,
this is great. I've known you forever. I know who
you are, and that honestly, you don't know who someone
(11:45):
is just because you've known them for fifteen years. I
didn't know what he was like in a relationship. I
didn't know need of how he was going to be
as a boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah, well once you add intimacy, different.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Completely different, Yeah, completely different. So it was great. There
was a few things that I was like, okay, I
mean I can communicate with him about this, Like he
was very quick to anger. He would internalize a lot
of his emotions and then he would like have an outburst.
And these outbursts would happen not very much in the
(12:19):
beginning because it was all like rainbows and sunshine. And
then he started to feel the guilt. I know for
a fact, because I was paying for everything, the rent,
the food, his clothes, on his back. I took him
away on his thirtieth birthday to Thailand, Australia. Like, but
I loved that. I was like, okay, like I can
(12:40):
be in my masculine sometimes. I love you. We can
make this work as long as you're working towards like
having a stable career, which he said that he was
wanting to do. And it just it kind of he
was just leaching off of me, and he was just
comfortable with me. And I think it reached a point
where other people started to notice that he was just
with me because it was comfortable, and he wasn't able
(13:02):
to give me that love because he didn't have that
self love himself, Like he hated who he was as
a person. And I was constantly trying to see tell
him like, oh, no, you're actually a really good person.
Just love yourself. You can't teach someone how to love themselves,
you know. And because of my life in the industry,
(13:23):
at first, I thought, I've been on TV a bunch,
he knows me from before TV. This is going to
be great. Like he's not going to be with me
for the money or the fame, because like I knew
him way before then, right, So when we got into
the relationship, he started to see a different side of me.
He was coming to podcasts. I flew him out to
America where I filmed my show that I hosted with Netflix.
(13:44):
He met the production he was in the green room,
like he was living a life that was like lavish, right,
you know, And I thought, maybe that will make him
love me more because of these outbursts. They would get
more and more and more. It wasn't like jealousy. He
wouldn't try and control me. He just couldn't control himself. Oh,
he didn't have the narcissist tendencies to be like, you
(14:06):
can't do this, I'm gonna gaslight you, I'm gonna manipulate you.
He didn't try to isolate you, no, Okay, if anything,
it was just he wanted to do whatever he wanted
to do in the relationship. But I would isolate myself
because of how shitty I felt being in the relationship.
If he smashed up the house, I wouldn't want my
family coming around because they'd ask questions, you know. So
(14:30):
he didn't force me to isolate myself, but he would
put me in situations where I had to and I
had no choice but to isolate myself. Right. But the
incident you just spoke about so towards the end, it
was very toxic. I should have left, But I don't
guilt myself anymore and think to myself, I caused my
(14:50):
own pain because I didn't leave. I felt like I
needed to stay in that relationship to run its full
course for me to fully come to the realization understanding
that this is something and someone I do not want,
I do not deserve this. I am completely in love
with myself and I need to love myself more than
him because I'm allowing him to treat me a certain way.
(15:12):
He cheated on me multiple times, and every time I
would bring it up to him, it was like I
was the one apologizing.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Oh he flipped it back, Yeah, to make you think
that you were the cause of his indiscretions.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
And that was a massive red flag. But I just
didn't see it.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
But you were also very very young. I mean you're
you're still young, but the early twenties, you're a baby, yeah,
and you think that love is something that it's just not.
And when he would have these outbursts, was he like verbally.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Abusive, Oh yeah, physical, all of the above, all of it,
all of the above. That that incident that you just
brought up. We were with an agent, see that I
just signed with. It was an out inn. Every time
he would drink, he would get like aggressive towards other
people or to me, And I said to him, can
you please not drink? I need you to be sober.
(16:11):
This is a work thing. I don't want you to
embarrass me. He came. He was four cans deep in
the bus uber ride on the way there. So I'm like, great, now,
I can't turn you background because you've already started drinking
and I'm going to be late. We're mixing a mingling
with everyone, and he was like off, floating about, and
my nervous system is telling me like, okay, he's going
to kick off. I just know it. So I'm already
(16:33):
feeling uneasy. Yeah, constantly scanning is he over there, is
he arguing with someone? Is he fighting someone? And then
he comes up to me like, why are you so anxious?
What's wrong with you? How do I tell someone I'm
just waiting for you to fuck up because I know
it's coming.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Well, you can't, you can't. He's deeply You said what
a trigger like you saying that is what it's going
to pop shit off?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Exactly? So I would ignore it, pretend to be okay,
fake the confidence. No one else knew what I was
going through. I was internalizing all of it. And then
he couldn't get into a club because they told him
he was too drunk.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
What Yeah, and you can't get into a nake club
during the day during the day during the day, it
was a rooftop bar.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Oh yeah, God, he grabbed me, he shoved me. He
was shouting at me like it was my fault. And
then the security guard actually said to him, I'm not
allowing you in. You're actually banned because of the way
that you've just spoke to your girlfriend. Wow. And because
someone else called him out on his own behavior towards me,
he ran off for forty five minutes.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Oh your little pussy.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
So I'm calling him, where are you. He's shouting down
the phone at me like it's my fault. So now
I'm having to apologize for the way I've behaved to him.
For him to even come back what like the most
exaggerated version of an avoidant. And I'm an anxious attachment
So I'm like, this, just this balance isn't gonna work, babe.
So I'm like, I've just pushed myself into understanding attachment
(17:57):
styles and understanding my self worth and now I'll never
be with an avoidant. No. Yeah, that's I.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Think incredible that at the age of twenty six, you
know that.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
And I try and preach to everyone. I'm like, if
anyone is listening, please don't listen to them self help books.
Just read up on anxious attachments, secure attachments.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Yeah, I need to research that.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I've been asking chatibt for years. You have a year
help me.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Was that something that your therapist raised? Was she like
you need to look into this, oh, talk about it?
Or this was well before the therapy. This is before
the therapist. Yeah, I got into therapy because of him. Wow, okay,
silver lining.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yeah, I'm so grateful.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
So then you're looking at engagement rings and he left
you in Thailand?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
M hmm, yeah, what the fuck?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
I know I would never leave you in Thailand ever.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Thank you? Do you want to go to Thailand? We
should go to Thailand.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
How long after this breakup did you land on too
hard to handle?
Speaker 2 (19:05):
Oh Jesus, I mean so too hot to handle was
when I was nineteen, So it was before. It was
before this guy. Too hot to handle was before this guy.
This guy was like last year, babe.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I know.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
That is so recent, so recent?
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Okay, can I ask you a question?
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Ask it.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
This is an almost thirty five year old asking a
twenty six year old. How do you know that you
have not healed enough to be in another relationship already?
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I asked myself that a thousand times over.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
And that's no judgment, that's just a real question. Curious.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
I was so scared to get into Anopp relationship because
I knew that I would put him in positions he
didn't need to be in. Okay, Like, why do you
want to look through my phone? Oh, because my ex
cheated on me? Bullshit, that's not that's not a good
enough excuse. Like, you need to heal yourself, work through
whatever trauma is EXS put you through. But when I
spoke to my therapist, she said to me, have three
(20:04):
months on your own, be with friends, be with family, cry, scream,
go through all of the grief stages, anger, upset, denial,
and then once you've reached the end of that three months,
sit down and write down why you love yourself and
then work through self love. And that's what I'm continuously
doing even to this day. So she said to me,
you can actually heal whilst you're in another relationship. But
(20:29):
only it's so controversial, controversial because I honestly can't even
believe that I'm in another relationship right now, Like I
thought I would be single for another two years because
of all the stuff my ex put you through. But
having a partner that's healthy, that communicates with me. I've
(20:49):
never seen my boyfriend angry like he deals with anger
in so many different ways. He doesn't need to check
a table or grab me or shout in my face.
He doesn't trigger that in me. He is very much like, Okay,
well let's speak about it. Wow.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Communication, And I'm like, oh my god, sounds so simple.
I always say. I'm like, every time you think about
anything going south, it always comes down to one of
the most simple words, communication, Yet it is so complex
for any of us to implement into any relationship.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
One hundred percent. Yeah. I think Also, one thing that
helped with anyone that may have just got out of
a toxic relationship was wanting to get into another, not
another toxic relationship, but another relationship, is understanding what gas
lighting is. Understanding what manipulation is in the different forms
(21:44):
it can come in your core values, your core beliefs,
moral compass. Like having a greater understanding of that is
so like. Okay, So if I'm in a conversation as
someone's trying to manipulate me, I get that feeling of them,
this doesn't feel right, And then I can talk to
my therapist about it. I feel like that's how I'm
able to heal whilst being in this new relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
What's the age difference between you and your current your boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Why? I don't know, because it's a trend on TikTok.
I'm like my current boyfriend, my boyfriend, he's that three.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Okay, so he's in his thirties.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Got his shit together.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
We were talking about this earlier. There's just something about
when someone hits their thirties, specifically women, because you just
come into your own And I feel like the Kim
Kardashians and Gwen Stefani's and Jalo's of the world have
made even Pamela Anderson, they've made age something that we
(22:45):
should not be afraid of, like it used to be,
like I'm gonna be thirty. I've been watching Sex in
the City and they talk about even friends, they talk about,
oh my gosh, I'm going to be thirty, and it's
like this scary, like big number that no one wants
to hit. Yeah, and I don't feel like it's that
way anymore. Did you?
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Was you nervous before you tenth thay? Like, what was
that like combedn't I I was not.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
I didn't even think about it, and I think about it,
and I'm such a thinker. I don't know why I
didn't think about it.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
I Also, I was pregnant and gave birth at thirty,
so I don't think I was fixated on the fact
that I was getting older. I was more fixated on
the fact that I was like growing a person inside
of me.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Yeah, you know, and.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Then you have to push it out, and you got
to push it out, and you got to do the
whole thing and then you have to be responsible for
it for the rest of its life. And it's just
you're not focused on the fact you're turning third you know,
You're like.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Oh, I have to ray y'all need to just have
a vibee.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
No, don't do that.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
Shall just have a vibe.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Even thirty though, was very young. Like I look back
and that relationship ended, and I'm like, Okay, if if
we were to redo this, I wouldn't redo it, because
my my four year old is magical. Yeah, but I'm
like women who think that we obviously have the biological
clock happening. Let's just say we live in a perfect world.
And that's not a thing. Thirty is very young. I
(24:06):
would not advise anybody to have a child at thirty. Yeah,
I would say, wait a minute, because you become an
entirely new person, like get reacquainted with the person that
you will now be, and then bring the baby into
the mix. That's what I would say. Yeah, now that
you asked me for my advice.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
No, but I wanted your advice. I think that's something
that we all need to hear because the biological clock
is such a thing and I don't know what it is,
but like, if I'm just being vulnerable for a minute,
I've felt such a shift in my energy and my
emotional intelligence and my maturity in a way that's like
(24:45):
good for me. I'm like, okay, I can have like
an adult conversation, pay my taxes whatever, Da da da
da da. But then a part of me mourns that
version of me that had no cares, no responsibilities, like
going out with my friends, having a three day are
waking up at six pm, and now I can't do that,
and it's like, oh, I've changed so much. I think
(25:06):
that's why I have that fear, not necessarily because of
the number thirty but it's because it's that dread of
if I'm not where I'm supposed to be by that age,
does that mean I've failed? And I don't think that's true.
I just think that's the pressure I'm putting on my
own head that I feel like everyone does, whether that
(25:28):
age is thirty, forty fifty, twenty twenty five. I feel
like I've evolved so much, and like you have to
like being a mom, your podcasts evolved so much through
different stages, like you said, like rolling with the punches.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
That's what I've and as a vir girl that does
not like I don't like the wind to blow away,
that I'm not planning. I don't like to not have control.
And once you well, once I had kids, it was like, oh,
I'm realizing how little control I have over everything in life.
(26:04):
And I'm wondering if that if you've always been that way,
or if when you enter too hot to handle, because
then you're in the public eye and you can kind
of take that. There's two directions you can go. There's
people that enter reality TV or whatever it may be,
the public eye and they're either there for that moment
(26:25):
and then they go back to normal life or they
really take the opportunity by the balls and they catapult
it and parlay it into something different. Do you feel
like you were born that way of always striving for
more and wanting more, or once you got a taste
of the opportunities that too hot to Handle brought to you,
(26:45):
was say like, oh I want I'm here to take
over the entire house, like the door has been opened.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
I was way too young, Domin Knive, so we even
have that thought, any of those thoughts. I think when
I got the show Taught to Hand or I was
nineteen years old, I was there for a laugh. I thought,
probably won't find love. I'm just here for a good time. Yeah.
And then the confidence I got from the fans' reactions
of me being on screens, being authentically myself and just
(27:13):
being weird, funny and full of ADHD, I was like, oh,
I am enough. And then like having people constantly message
me every day like you've helped me tell my boyfriend
that this is toxic and I've left my boyfriend and
I'm like, oh shit. My purpose is to speak and
be vulnerable about shit that's going on in my life
to help other people go through theirs. And I feel
(27:36):
like I'm the type of person to always want, Like
I'm always like, what's next, what's the next thing? I
want to do something else. But I also because I
have ADHD pour myself in so many different directions that
sometimes I just paralyze and I'm like, Oh, I don't
want to do anything, or I have so much to do,
I just don't want to start. Yeah, you know, and
then that feeds into my insecurities of not being enough
(27:59):
my self, limiting beliefs. Some of my friends in the
same industry that started on the same show as me
at driving Lamborghinis, they have millions in the bank, they
have multiple businesses. I'm not there. That means I've failed.
So it's like realizing an age of whatever age you're at,
that everyone is always going to be on a different path.
(28:20):
You just got to be always driving to be the
best version of yourself and being happy with what you have.
Someone actually sent me a voice note the other day
because when the radio show launched with Unwell and Serious XM,
I didn't celebrate it. I was like, oh, it's a
small win. One of my friends went, you fucking joke it.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
I feel like you and I are the same person
right now.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Sorry, everything you're saying is hitting very close literally. Okay,
So you didn't feel like you could celebrate it because
you felt like it was a small win because.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
In our industry, it's a small win. It's like, oh,
she has a podcast, whereas to someone that kind of
goes to work, goes home wants to listen to that podcast,
it's like that's a big win for them. It's like,
I wish I could have my own bookcast. My friend
said to me, she said, you are in an industry
where you could have everything and still not be enough.
(29:11):
So you need to know that you are enough and
then everything else will fall into place, and then you'll
feel validated in that, you know.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Yeah, No, you're speaking so true to me and I
know many other people because I constantly am feeling when
I feel at peace or content, I go, we've gotten lazy.
Look at what this person's doing. Look you're what that
person is doing. This is a small win. Yeah, And
(29:40):
I will beat myself up until I have exhausted, Like
I will go to bed at night with a splitting
headache and I'm like I have kaoed myself. Yeah, to
the point of just like bruised, beaten, battered, and how
did we get here? And the other the other day
when I had a acknowledged you get bitter, you get jealous,
(30:02):
you take some people's success as a personal attack, has
nothing to do with you. I was sitting here thinking
about all of the things that I've wanted in the
past two years, and my biggest thing was I wanted
to bring another baby into the world. I don't know
if you know this. I had a really toxic relationship
that my daughter, Ocean, came out of she's four. Because
(30:24):
I was so just traumatized by that whole situation, I
ended up getting a sperm donor for my second baby
because I knew I wanted more kids.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Oh my good love.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Yeah, so she's ten months old. Oh congratulations, thanks.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Oh that's beautiful, thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
So that was like a whole thing, right, I'm like, Okay,
I need to pick the donor, and you know, health wise,
we have to work well together, but also like I'm
bringing a member into the family and I just need
to make sure like, yeah, she's already going to have
a lot of people ask her questions. How do I
make her life less difficult?
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Right?
Speaker 1 (30:57):
And I just said I want to pour my heart
and soul into just being the best mom, and I
want to be available for every single moment. And then
I start having moments of jealousy, right, And I literally
had to sit down and like feel the ground and go,
why are we jealous? Talk myself through it. I was
literally having a conversation with myself that's that do it no,
(31:19):
totally asking myself questions aloud and answering them aloud like
a psychopath.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Uh huh.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
And then I thought about all of the things that
I have wanted and craved and what makes me feel
peaceful and whole, and it always comes back to my
two kids. Right. I'll be able to build brands, I'll
be able to record a podcast. What I'll never be
able to do is get that moment back where I
(31:46):
was so fucked up on being jealous and in my
own head that I missed my daughter doing something amazing, right,
Because those moments are so fleeting, and it doesn't even
have to go back to kids. You having a beautiful,
romantic dinner with your boyfriend. You'll never get that moment back.
You will never get the moment back of someone saying
to you, we're giving you your own show on the
(32:08):
Unwell Network. That's never going to happen age. So if
we don't celebrate the win in the moment, it's gone.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Yeah, that's enough to.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Bring you to your knees too.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
I'm on my knees. It brought me to my knees
right now. I'm like, okay, I'm present.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
So did you ever end up celebrating or did your
friend saying that resonate?
Speaker 2 (32:35):
It was kind of too late for me to celebrate
because it was already like eight pm on the night
that I launched. But I took a moment for gratitude.
I think that's okay to me. That would be a
celebratory moment of gratitude to just recognize what I've done.
And I think, like, even with you, like you've been
through so much to be where you are today, sometimes
(32:58):
we don't even need a win, look back and reflect,
Oh fuck, yeah, have birth to babies, babe. Yeah, Like
you look gorgeous, thank you look a day over twenty five.
I love that A style of Madonna style icon. I
fucking love like, Honestly, sometimes we are more than enough.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
I feel like women battle this more than men. I
just don't see men sitting here being like I'm not enough.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
Yeah. I it's funny because Sam.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
I think that women have such a this internal battle
that is so complex, and we're all looking for the
answers to why we deal with things in a certain way.
And I don't know if you're ever able to conquer
it unless you just you gain years, right, and then
(33:51):
you can look at someone who's younger than you and say,
I know what you're feeling. Shake it off. But then
cut you're in your fifties or whatever, and it's a
whole new set of insecurities and problems.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Yeah, now my back's now. I need a new hip, right,
I can't walk in heels anymore. Oh my god, I
don't even want to think about it.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
It's scary.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Yeah. I think the lesson is embracing who you are,
no matter how long I'm far you are down the road.
So like me, I was mourning a person that I
was before I got responsibilities. Yeah, you were just talking
about mourning the person you were before you had a
child and become a mother. But it's like we have
to disembrace it and roll with the punches.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
Roll with the punches.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
Sometimes they're not punches they're kisses.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Oh I love that too.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
It's like an hyper pie a quote.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
So I call my family my pod because we're like orcas.
Like I bought a house when my relationship went south
with my eggs. My mom moved out, and then I
moved my brother in, and now we all live together
and we're like raising these kids as a family. And
I'm like love that. It's like a very beautiful situation
in structure that we've created, right, and it's not gonna
(35:05):
last forever. You know, my brother's going to find a person.
I will one day find my partner, but for now,
like it's great. Do you have like your little circle
of people? I mean at twenty six, I well, at
twenty six, I was a drunk, full transparency. We're approaching
seven years of sobriety one day at a tengratulation. But
(35:25):
thank you. And I wonder, because you've been in this
for so long and because you experienced such a toxic
relationship at such a young age, did you learn to
keep your circle tight?
Speaker 2 (35:37):
No? No, no, I feel like it's been hard for
me because I've tried to be cautious about who I'm
friends with, who I'm letting into my circle. But I'm
such an energy person. I think if you have a
good vibe, I will allow you in my life completely
and fully until you prove me otherwise, okay. Which is
(35:58):
an extensive version of like a friend group. I have friends,
friends of friends, friends of family friends. Everyone has access
to me, and I feel like that's one thing that
I'm working on in therapy to kind of limit that
access to a certain degree. Yeah, so I get drained
a lot. It's like, oh shit, okay, oh so.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
Energy drains you, Like I When I'm around a lot
of people, I feel like I have an interaction hangover. Yeah,
where like I need to retreat and like be by myself.
Is that what happens to you?
Speaker 2 (36:30):
Definitely? I was actually sober for two and a half years. Wow,
I was a friend of Bill as well. Really yeah,
I love of time And it was the moment, like
I learned so much about myself in those two and
a half years of sobriety and I feel like I
completely shifted. And I looked at myself. I was how
(36:52):
old was I? I think I was twenty Okay, Yeah,
I looked at all my previous friends in the circles
I was in and it was just like people that
I didn't really want or should have around me. It
was very much like bloodsucking creatures. And now I have
like a smaller friend group. Well was something that actually
happened quite recently. I am a few months ago. If
(37:15):
I'm being completely honest, I had really really, really really
low dip. I felt really.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Low.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
I didn't want to be here. It was like, okay,
I've had enough. So I rang one of my friends. Actually, no,
I rang my therapist and I said, I'm having these thoughts.
I'm really worried, but like I'm almost kind of at
peace with it. It's weird, like it's scary when you
have those thoughts because you don't necessarily want to fight
against them. It's almost like you just want to give
in to them. It's the best way I can describe it.
(37:42):
And she said, okay, that's fine, Like, thank you for
being honest with me. Let's who do you feel safe around.
And I'm like, I mean, I don't really feel anything
right now. I'm feeling numb. She said, well, let me
call your friend Brian. I'm like, okay, So she called Brian,
who's one of my best friends. I met him one
perfect match. He was one of the producers. Okay, and
it was really scary because I'm away from home. I
only moved to LA about a year ago. It's taken
(38:04):
me a while. Like I don't even feel fully settled
in right now. Like, so my friendship group is so sporadic.
I'm still learning people. He came to my house and oh,
I'm getting emotional. He came to my house and he
held me like a baby, and it was one of
(38:25):
the only times that I'd drank since been sober, and
all those thoughts come back to me. So I haven't
spoken about this publicly yet, but I went back to
drinking after being sober, and I feel like, because oh
my god, I'm so sorry not I.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
Wish I wouldn't have thrown those things the way. Can
we get her a tissue please, I can dub it.
Are you okay? Yeah, Well you're in such a safe space.
Oh I love that.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
Thank you. I feel like because I like announced to
the world that I was sober in sobriety, and I
still get messages to this day like you've helped me
go to AA and like find myself. And my daughter
is so thankful that her Mum's now sober. I've been
carrying these guilt of like I'm not sober anymore. You know,
(39:19):
I felt like a fraud because I feel like, oh God,
if I tell people that I've drank or that I've
gone back to drinking, what if I'm putting other people's
lives at risk? Like what if they idolize me for
being sober? And then if I say I'm back drinking,
they go, right, I'm going to drink now because Chloe's drinking,
Like I feel like, because I'm a person of influence,
(39:41):
I I don't want to feel that guilt and that pressure.
You know, there's a lot of pressure. But again, oh
thank you such a cry baby.
Speaker 1 (39:56):
But you're in good company with that.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Yeah. One of the the moments that I knew that
my friend Brian loved me, And so anyone out there listening,
it's so important to just let your guard down when
you need to, because if I'd have kept quiet, I
wouldn't have had such an enlightenment on how much my
(40:21):
friend Brian loves me. So he cradled me like a baby.
He took me to the doctors. I got the help
that I needed. I spoke to professionals. And then I
came back home and I was like, I can't go
home because my bedroom's a mess, and he said, no,
I got a cleaner to clean your bedroom for you.
Do you want me to come and stay around yours
until you feel better? So it's like he was there
(40:43):
for me. He doesn't just love me because I'm funny.
He doesn't just love me because I dress nice when
I go out and he looks good next to me,
and I look good next to him. I could be
at my lowest of loves and he'd still be there
for me. And I carried so much shame for having
all these emotions, and it actually might describe stronger. It's
(41:05):
like I could trust you with my life. Yeah, Like
that's a friend. So I answer to your question, I've
only probably got one or two friends that I hold
closer to me.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
I love everything that just happened just now, and I'm
so happy that you have, Brian. I don't want you
to feel the weight of other people's sobriety or addiction.
I don't want that is not your story, And it's
(41:36):
easier said than done because I've had those moments too
where I'm like I anything that is forever can become
very daunting and paralyzing, and there are moments when I
think about, like I can never have another drink again.
I start having anxiety because it's a forever, yeah, And
(41:57):
that's why I'm like, okay, just one day at a time.
But I also have those moments of if I were
to do this, I would let other people down. And
me saying to you is what I'm saying is also
me trying to practice what I preach. Not that I'm
going to go out and drink, but I just don't
(42:17):
want you to feel like that is your responsibility, because
it isn't. There's so many other things that you've offered
just on this forty two minutes of a podcast that
I know that I'm going to carry very closely, and
I know other people are going to do the exact
same And you're just so wise for a twenty six
year old, Like I was not like you at all
(42:41):
at twenty six, And we do and it's just a
part of our story. And I've learned in this life
that we're all just doing the best that we can.
And it's such a it's such a funky time because
we're all doing the best we can, but no one's
trying to help anyone out right. The internet's gotten vile. Yeah,
(43:04):
everyone's up in arms about just the state of everything.
And that's just one one pressure that you should take
off of yourself. Yeah, you know, definitely, not that that
would carry any weight, but as someone who's sober, I'm
telling you, like, please don't carry that with you. Thank you,
(43:25):
You're very welcome.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
The first time I've actually said it out loud, I
feel kind of good. Yeah, this was amazing good. That's
me practicing what I preach. I'm like, I'm preaching people
to be vulnerable. There you go, there's my It's very hard.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
It's very hard to be vulnerable. And and once we
are going back to the me admitting my jealousy issues,
I'm like, at the moment, it was very suffocating. Yeah,
And I'm like, but for some reason, I feel like
I've just come out as like an addict all over again. Right, Yeah,
(44:01):
I'm like, oh the elephant. Okay, we're living in our
truth and the only way to get a handle and
implement tools YEP is admitting is always the first step
with any grassing yourself up right exactly, So what is
your show on a happier, fun, exciting note. Your show
(44:21):
on the Unwell Network, tell us what it's called the
radio show? It was supposed to be a podcast.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
No, I wanted to. I wanted to go into the
podcast well okay, Alex Cooper and them. But then she's
just done a massive deal with Serious XM, and I
was like, I want to be the first ogs to
have a radio show. Another thing under my belt. I've
just hosted my first epishow, Sneaky Links, that's out on
Netflix right now. It's all so exciting. Oh my gosh,
it's crazy. I definitely celebrated that whim good for going
(44:49):
out for dinner. Yes, but it's called Big Sister with
Chloe Beach, and it's a space in which we talk
about reality TV, my opinions on it, and also just
giving people advice. Basically what we have just spoken about, okay,
is like every Friday Live at twelve pmst Ah. I
(45:09):
love it. I call my friends. I'm like, babe, I
need some advice. My boyfriend's been busing me off. What
should I do? So it's very much fun, emotional, vulnerable.
It's got that shock factor.
Speaker 1 (45:21):
Do people write in, Yeah, they call in.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Oh, they call call in.
Speaker 1 (45:25):
You've got the personal connection going, yeah, And do you
stick to one topic each Friday or is it kind
of all all over the place like a tangent.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Whatever's happening that week? Okay, Yeah, we have segments. We've
got de Lulu is not the Slulu. It's where I
basically say something that's been going on in my life
that I've been delusional about. Okay, and I kind of
go into the solution. And then we have a segment
where someone calls in. I give them advice, and I
call my friend, they give me advice, and then we
just talk about the a reality show that's been viral,
(45:57):
Like we spoke about Love Island.
Speaker 1 (46:00):
So my brother has been watching Love Island. I've never
watched Love Island. I watched like a couple episodes of
season two because I thought that this one guy was
super hot and I d M him and the can
we believe it? His name again? It was season two.
His name was oh dear like tall. Yes, this covered
(46:21):
season season two, so they're on season seven, so this
was like, but I had just started watching season two
because I'm like, this guy's hot. And then he had
in his bio that he was on Love Island. But
he responded to my DM right off the bat as,
are you trying to get your back blown out?
Speaker 2 (46:42):
Wha? I was like, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:48):
I was like, yeah, I'll catch you when I land.
Speaker 2 (46:51):
Give me three to five business marchandised to figure out.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
But I was like, wow, like how confident?
Speaker 2 (46:58):
What did you say? What was your first message?
Speaker 1 (47:01):
Well, I have no game anymore, so my first message
to him was the chef's kiss emoji?
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (47:07):
And then hero, are you trying to get your bag
blown out?
Speaker 2 (47:10):
Which is vile?
Speaker 1 (47:11):
It's a lot where will be gone?
Speaker 2 (47:13):
I'm sorry it's gone.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Does your man have any friends? Any good ones? He's
too busy right?
Speaker 2 (47:21):
Yeah? I mean I wouldn't well hit me in mind.
Please show me the radio this Friday reckon Advice.
Speaker 1 (47:32):
I love this so much. My last question is how
do you know if someone is the one.
Speaker 2 (47:43):
For me personally?
Speaker 1 (47:44):
Right now?
Speaker 2 (47:46):
I can see the growth after every conversation. Okay, I
can feel my nervous system get quiet and quie. I
can feel physically my body's reaction to stress and lesson
and it's like a dance. You know, it's not it's
going to be perfect. Sometimes you'll piss me off. I'll
piss it. Yeah, it's you just feel.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
It, you feel it. I love what you said about
the conversations because it sounds to me what I gathered
is that you know someone is going to be the one.
I mean, none of us have a crystal ball and
we don't know what the future holds, but evolving together.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
And I think also trusting in yourself because you can
have that feeling that they're the one, right, but like,
don't be an idiot. You know, there's like intuition and
gut feelings and then like reality, yeah, red flags and
all the other bullshit and smoke and mirrors. So I
don't believe in love at first sight or someone definitely
(48:48):
being the one because my parents were married and now
they're no longer. Yeah, So I think you just gotta
trust your gut, trust it instincts, and just communicate. Yeah,
and having great set. That's very fan. I'm sorry, thank
you for the rest of my life. Thank you very much.
That's one. There, it is, you're the one. You're the one.
Speaker 1 (49:12):
I've done enough charity fucking for the rest of my life.
Oh my god, for shre Yeah no more. All right,
I'm over it. Where can people find you? Follow you,
watch you on TV, give me all the Tea Oh
No So shows.
Speaker 2 (49:24):
I'm klobbe Bach and you can watch my newish show
Sneak Links on Netflix premiere in It's out now, and
then my radio show is live every Friday on a
serious XM channel seven eight six.
Speaker 1 (49:37):
This is so exciting. I'm celebrating for you. Thank you,
congratulations on all of your massive wins. Thank you for
being on my podcast, my love. Thank you for listening
to another episode of the Give Them a La Podcast.
I'm going to catch you guys on Monday for the
bonus and again next Wednesday.
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Bye,
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