The Chosen One (Rob Schneider)

Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Rob Schneider is somewhat popular comedic actortalks are like dogs, They're only life.
When you touched the private pass,I think there's been a mistake.
Did you say they want together?Like clam on the gayest of all foolists.
You can do it, keep hoping, keep popping on us. My

(00:23):
life sucks rated BG t D TheTomster making copy, mister Tom, Welcome
to Rob Schneider. Could you nota complete retrospective of all Rob Schneider movies
past present, but somehow still future. I'm Caleb George and with me as
always are my co hosts Marie Maloneyand Robert Bacon, and this time we

(00:47):
are checking out The Chosen One,released straight to DVD on September third,
two thousand and ten. Never forgettingthis is one. This is one that
we skipped back in the day becausewe're like, oh, it's direct to
DVD. We're only going to doa film releases. But now the world
has changed. We've got the time. Yes, we are dry on material,

(01:12):
We've got spare time. We didwatch Leo the Animated Lizard film with
Adam Sandler. We watched the trailerfor that. Yes, I was like,
wait, we watched. Yeah,I was like, came out.
We already watched that movie. Don'tyou remember your head's gone to mush?

(01:34):
Blood comes out of a and inthe trailer. At the end of the
trailer, Adam Sandler's lizard character goesback to school, back to school,
which is a call back to BillyMadison when he's waiting for the bus.
So now we're coming full circle here. That's all. The film's just folding
on the They're just a mirror eachother. You're staring into the mirror with

(01:57):
the mirror behind here. And there'sa thousand sails. A couple things got
to cover before we get started.One again, the Shabba Doos tournament.
So send us your favorite Shabba doos. We'll rank them, collecting intries.
We're collecting entries. Adam Sandler,please stop at gmail dot com. Billy
Madison, what's your favorite chabado?And I think we should sit around and
figure out what's the best Billy Madisonschabadoo and that'll represent Billy Madison and go

(02:23):
on in the tournament. Some filmsmight only have one. Yeah again,
I say this really quickly. Yes, I know that we're asking you to
do some of the work here,yes, but I will say I will
also do some of the work.But if you want the best Shabba Doo
tournament with the best entries and athorough Shabba Doo experience, just do thelpus,

(02:44):
Just do the help us, justdo the work. And three of
us are going to try and yeah, try to figure it out. But
and you know what if we don't, if it takes us a year,
it takes us. We do thisright, right, We do this right,
We do it once, and wedo it right. Yes, it's
a I'm not gonna just throw togetherchaba dus and say they're the best chabados

(03:05):
if I haven't done the work.Because we're Adam Sandler, please stop today.
Where Rob Schneider? Could you not? But we have standards and we're
passionate. We're about passionate. Honestly. It's also the most exciting thing I've
gotten excited for in a while.And again, we are at time and
we are short of material. We'vegot the time. So last last episode,

(03:32):
well, first of all, lastepisode, apparently I read an email
that was read like months before andI've just forgotten, so sorry about that.
Last episode. We got an emailfrom a listener Steve, where we
talked about English actor Oliver Reed andthe bird clause that he had tattooed on
the tip of his penis. Well, Steve has come through once again and

(03:53):
has finally answered the question of ifyou get your penis tattooed hard or soft?
He has the answer, he says. According to the Far Out magazine
article that Steve shared, this iswhat it says. According to Robert Stellar's
book Hell Raisers, The Life andinebrated times of Bolton, Harris, O'Toole

(04:15):
and Reid, the tattoo was ofquote two eagle claws and was drawn up
one night in December of nineteen eightyone. After zooming around La to find
a tattoo artist willing to work ona delicate part of the human anatomy,
Oliver and his friends arrived at aRundown tattoo parlor. That tattoo artist refused
the request, but the man's wifeappeared and said that she would do it.

(04:40):
Before starting, she said, quotemake it bigger please. Oliver Reid
then had had a rather nice timeengineering his penis to become a suitable size
for the woman to work on.Two hours later, read emerged with his
member wrapped in a bloody bandage.Why did he do this? Why did

(05:00):
he do this? It continues,why did he do this? Well,
Oliver Reid has an eagle head tattooedon his shoulder, and when he showed
it to people, he would askthem, quote, would you like to
see where it's perched? What thefuck there it is? Steve? Thank

(05:20):
you so much. Steve is doingthe work. He's doing the work.
He's doing the work on the hardor soft penis when you get a tattooed.
Okay, so first of all,Steve, thank you for clarifying our
question. But like this fucking psychopath, he's referencing that God, this tattoo

(05:41):
is just like he just basically didthat, so he has an excuse to
like assault people, Like, amI wrong? What the fuck you read
that biography? Like I was supposedto know who that person was? Am
I supposed to know? I don'tknow. I don't know who that is?
No, this is from a biography. This is a story from a
biography about like some LA scum back. Yeah. Oliver Reed was an English

(06:06):
actor known for his hell raiser lifestyle. After making his significant screen appearances in
Hammer horror films in the early nineteensixties. Okay, so that's why we
don't know hammer horror. Yeah.Hammer, that's like, yeah, that
is like a specific horror genre backin early nineteen sixties. Yeah, so

(06:29):
we don't know who he is,but you know, it kind of goes
through it. Also, it wasthe eighties, it was different. In
the nineties, it was different.I guess you consider it assault because did
you ever Caleb, pull your ballsout of the bottom of your shorts,
put them on a chair and thensay, oh no, I sat in
some gum and then somebody would lookand it was your balls. Never done

(06:49):
that. If you expected this tobe some sort of camaraderie amongst men,
that didn't happen for you. Ido that all the time. Stuff,
I'm doing it right now. Youactually are sitting in some Oh no,
I know, my balls looked likegum. Wait, did you really do

(07:15):
that? No, that was somethingthat like other kids would do, like
middle school all the time. Okay, you know, I've never seen that
done in middle school. Yeah.Did kids have dropped balls or were they
just when I, oh my god, we're getting really off. We're getting
really off. Course, we haveto talk about the chosen one sometime soon

(07:35):
here. But but when I wasin middle school, what was popular or
wear was like workout clothes, likespecifically Nike basketball shorts that were really floppy
and loose, so then kids couldeasily exposed. Well, am I wrong?

(07:56):
Or is like they're not much ballto exposed, Like it depends,
we gotta move on, it depends. It depends. They had those baggy
pants because people would pants each otherwhen I was like a really small amount
of go, yeah, I said, depends, I said, some trident,

(08:18):
I said. And then there wasthat one kids like a big league
jew down there. There were somekids who legitimately it didn't matter if they
were eight or fifteen, had balls, head balls, head balls, big
balls. It was a young man'slocker room is sometimes an awkward place to

(08:39):
the sizes, the size ever,there's no there's a bell curve, there's
a bell and puberty too. Whenpuberty happens, it gets weird in there
because it's like Gary, Oh,it's because everyone's a different everyone's in a
different place in their lives. Yeah, you know, girls are just dealing
with you know, potentially having apad pop up with you slip or being

(09:05):
a size sea tits when you're insixth grade, the biggest thing I think
guys do with was like, don'thave an erection like that was the biggest
thing or class or in class,especially with those goddamn basketball shorts. What
a porch? What a porch?Idiots? Idiots, balls are getting exposed.

(09:26):
You getting pants all the time.You get pants and they are friendly,
and then it's it's friends. Andthe pants that also that were popular
at the times, those rip away, like Adidas or Nike rip away.
And then so somebody would run byand rip open part of one of your
legs. And then some kids wouldstill not wear like basketball shorts underneath,

(09:48):
knowing that that was something that couldhappen to you people who didn't wear underwear
when they got pants, I waslike, what are you doing? Run?
I wear a size smaller to makesure doesn't come down when I get
pants. Exactly. Some people weren'tdouble pants because they would get pants.
Welcome to pants. Retrospective childhood involvingpants. List of things that we'd rather

(10:13):
do get watch this movie Getting Pants? Could we not could not blot synopsis.
A man finally finds faith in himselfafter the rest of the world puts
its faith in him, the soulbeing on earth who could save mankind from
its own destruction, The Chosen One. Facts about this movie the original director

(10:35):
George Slews Slusser under facts Sleser,George Slusy, what do you think?
Silly? It all right? That'sit, you got it all right.

(11:03):
The original director, George saluz Herleft the project during production due to financial
problems with the film. After Georgesalute Her left, Rob A Schneydare Rob
Schneider took up directing duties and Georgekept the directing credit. My god,

(11:26):
he pulled a tombstone that was Schneiderjoint. This is a Schneider junk because
they ran out of money because itwasn't a properly allocated what's tombstone in a
movie? Tombstone which is about pizza? Yes? Wait, who is Goldie
Hawn Mary too? Kurt Russell.Kurt Russell actually like kind of took over

(11:50):
directing movie because like it's still creditedto whatever director is, like build Rector,
Yeah it is, but like somethinghappened with him or he kind of
just like gave up on the projector was like fighting with the studio and
he just like phoned it in andstopped showing up really, and then Kurt

(12:16):
Russell like it is like widely acknowledgedby the cast and crew that like he
finished up directing the movie. Ohwow, yeah, it's George p Cosmomota
cosmatis cosmopolitics. I learned that fromthe Val Kilmer documentary. Oh oh yeah,
no, oh that's that's what Iknow that. Okay, yes,

(12:37):
because Val was amazing, Yes,and yeah that movie to me. Yeah,
all right. So this film saton the shelf for three years trying
to find a distributor, and thenthey decided to release it directly to DVD.
So one of the reasons why Ithought about this and I was like,
you know what, you guys,we have to watch this movie is
because I'm seeing similarities between this filmand Daddy Daughter Trip, which at this

(13:03):
point has was released in theaters almosta full year ago and has yet to
actually be released to theaters or toDVD or find any kind of streaming.
So it kind of feels like thisis another thing that they didn't do properly.
They try to find distributors, distributors, and then they couldn't, so
they just released it. Yeah,you know, so this is telling.

(13:24):
One of the producers of the filmis Rob Schneider's personal trainer. Oh my
god, imagine, I hope helooks great in this movie. Gop.
Rob Sneider looks ripped in this movie. He better. We've talked about how
he's kind of a ripped dude.He takes care of himself, he takes
care of his body. I don'tknow much about his mind. Well that's

(13:46):
slowly faking it. Definitely doesn't takecare of his mind. But also I
feel I feel like the personal trainerkind of got scammed. You think you
think you know he's telling that istrue. I was thinking over to Rob
Schneider's house. Rob Schneider has likethis big, nice house. He helps
him work out. He's like,you know, helping him one day and

(14:07):
he's like, oh, yeah,you know, if you've got an extra,
like a little bit of money,you should invest it in my next
one. It's gonna be awesome.It's gonna be you know what. You
can maybe even get a little bitof a part if you want to show
up in the bag. No,I was gonna say that that that I
thought for a second, like,oh good, he probably, you know,
like way to get a producer credit. But then at the same time
I was like, no, you'reright, You're exactly right. He lost

(14:28):
money on them. Yeah, totallylost money because yeah, he put money
in and then it sat and thenhe was like oh, and then I
bet he's not his personal trainer anymore. This is the last live action film
that Rob Schneider plays the lead untilthe twenty twenty two release of Daddy Daughter
Trip. Really, I can't sayI'm surprised Whin was big stam, Oh,

(14:50):
you guys can't see this, butbut just like I'm just analyzing it,
like like it matters like little bitsOkay, within his smography journey there,
Okay, starts making the turn.Okay, that makes sense. Yeah
yeah yah yah yea yeah yeah yeah. Uh so format, we're just gonna

(15:16):
watch the whole movie, but Isaid that we have unlimited stop cards,
but we'll see. Stop cards feelvery much like not a vote thing,
because it just feels like you knowwhen you know when you need it,
you know, you know, Iguess we've come so far in the podcast.
No, we know, we knowwhen it's a stop card moment.
We know, we know and we'lljust stop. We know. I don't

(15:37):
respect anyone's stop card because we know. And then at the end we'll talk
about it and we'll rate it.We gotta put it on our list,
Caleb, we gotta see where itgoes. I recently looked at my list.
I also did, and I wasvery surprised. Do you have a
letter box? Do you have?Yes? I have it up on letterbox.
Deuced Bigelow European Jigglow is my numberone Rob Schneider film, and my

(16:02):
least liked Rob Schneider film is inapp appropriate, Oh inappropriate comedy is horrendously
bad. And then in the thirdword movies I've ever seen, my third
ranked film is Deuced Bigelow Male Jigglowthe first one, and I said,
my review is the perfect Rob Schneiderfilm. One out of ten. Okay,

(16:25):
okay, my number one is DeuceBiggelow Male Gigglo. Oh you like,
yeah, that's a good one.It's a good one. I do
think European Giggolo is a much moreenjoyable watch because it's bad shit, insane,
It's insane. I love that it'sinsane. What's your least liked inappropriate.
Yeah, it's a it's a terrible, terrible film that should be removed.

(16:45):
But then it's Big Stan. BigStan is second to last for me
as well. I have Home Teamon this list too. I also have
Home Team on this list. Hemust have been in it. Yeah,
I guess he must have been significantenough. We forget, we forget,
but you know what, you knowwhat though, I remember now that he
was very significant in that film.Yes, that we had a discussion about
should this also go on the RobSchneider list? And I think we put

(17:07):
on that. I have a belowsurf Ninjas for me. We have a
very similar lists. All right,you guys ready to watch the Chosen One?
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, excuseme. I saw you on TV
talking about the Hawks. Right.If you're with the Tenets co op board,

(17:30):
I have a legal right to behere. I'm not with them.
Is that their nest in the bagmost of it of selfish rich people don't
care about anything but themselves. Whereexactly do those selfish rich people living in
that fielding? Which what their nestwas? Right up there? Sarah?

(17:52):
Yeah, stop can't Oh my lord, there's only like seven minutes left.

(18:22):
But we had to stop to stop. This is this is what I was
trying to delegate. Well, youknow, maybe we'll vote on it when
you know, Oh my god.And it's just mostly from Ori react same
reacts, screamed, you're gonna getcomplaints from your neighbors, being like what
the fuck was going on in there? Caleb was making good time out I

(18:45):
think with the sands, Like God, I couldn't believe it. I really
couldn't believe it when it happened.Okay, oh who explained what happened?
I feel like it's on Caleb thestop, Oh my god, explain the
scene right before what we just saw. So it's gonna be tough because it's

(19:07):
so I'm gonna try and do itas condensely as possible, and we'll cover
more once we go back and watchthe others six minutes of this film,
once you listen to the trailer,yeah, then we'll be right back.
Yeah. Right. So basically,to keep it short, he has to
achieve this, this fantastical feat ofreturning a nest Rob is a chosen one

(19:30):
who has to return a net.That's too and we will get more into
it later. But to the topof a New York City apartment building.
Hawks nest, Hawks nest. Andthe reason is because these these hawks,
their nest has been removed. Theycan't mate. It's a big deal.
I don't know why anyway, Rob, that's the first part. The other

(19:51):
half, and this is a metaphorfor the discussion of the movie in general,
is Rob witnesses his dad hang himself. So we're doing we're dealing with
We're dealing with both of that.God. So Rob is having he's he's
at the top, he's putting thenest up, and the hawk comes for

(20:15):
the tenth time, for the tenthtime, and and he has a flashback
to first seeing his father found havingfound his father, he pulls his father
down and his father's in his armsand he's crying, and they're really leaning
into it, really leaning into it. And then it cuts back to Rob
and he sees this bird and it'she's got the sunlit face and you hear
the girl, and he has likea glint in his eye and he smiles,

(20:37):
and he flashes back to the garagewhere he was momentarily holding his father,
but now he's holding the bird.He's crazy where dad just was.
And then it flies off and heas comfortable as posable. Yeah, rone,

(21:07):
this is a big acting moment.It's there, will cover more,
but it is one of like threebig acting moments for Rob Schneider in this
film. But it's insane. It'show you could not be more on the
nose insane because he's creamed. Icouldn't believe it. We were all like,
what the fuck? And then hecuts away and cuts back to him

(21:33):
cradling the hole and we were shockedlost, and then it awkwardly flies away
like it tries to get away.They're like, we got the take.
We can't do it, Rob,we just need to hold it for three
seconds. It fully has like thelittle like bracelet on its towels because it's
like yeah, like of course,I mean like of course, yeah.

(22:02):
But also, come, what thefuck they had They had the trainer off
camera with like a little dead rator something. And you can see the
look on Rob Steiner's face where he'slike supposed to be like oh yeah,
but there's a slight twinge when thathawk is getting up off him and kind
of cutting his arm up. He'slike, you need three to four seconds

(22:22):
here. I'll give you two andyou'll slow it down. Do you understand
me talking? Come on, Rob, come on, I need you to
do four seconds. I'll give youtwo and you'll slow it down, all
right, Rob, Yet it's ahard bugging. Someone get this eagle on
me. Someone get that eagle onme. It's my dead dad, this

(22:45):
eagle. It's a metaphor, it'sliteral. This is my acting. Oh
my god, Oh my god,that's so funny. He also took a
flight from LA to New York todo this to put them We can't we
can't talk about. We just haveto talk about. It was like a

(23:06):
nail brain movie. It was.It was amazingzy. We lost our minds.
It was like watching the Super Bowl. I really thought we wouldn't pull
a stock. It was like watchingthe most boring game of the Super Bowl
and then all of a sudden,something awesome. Yeah, something insane.
The mascot did something the mascot tooon the field. It looks like the

(23:33):
mascot is the old Timmy. Thetiger has removed his trousers. Timmy tigers
trousers are jumping through the costume.It's going through. It's simming through like
play to through that spaghetti pushy theoryfucking dumb dumbs. You were going right

(23:56):
to ship, right to taking theship. Oh my god, it's insane.
Yeah, that's it. I can't. I really I really didn't think
we'd use a stop card. Ireally didn't. There was also like several
bad moments where we're like really closeto stop card, but then firstly it
was like we have to stop.Yeah, we just all had a very

(24:19):
visceral reaction to it. I willremember that moment. Remember Rob Schneider,
I am going to make that agift. Just Rob Snyder with that hawk
and I'm gonna put that Yeah,copy guy. There are so few people

(24:40):
who have had this opportunity. Healso was like the tenth person to watch
those movies. He also was like, I'm fucking making art. Oh he
thought we were talking about this more, but he thought he was fucking nailing
in this scene. This is hisart. Yeah, it's animorphs. Yeah,
I want to s I think Ithink this goes in part to Rob

(25:02):
Schneider's directing ability. Rob really gotrobbed there. It's a damn good shot,
Rob, Rob, You're right,that's a goddamn good shot. Yeah,
we know what we're doing, ofcourse, we know what we're doing.
We don't need a director. Wenever needed a director. That was
our problem from the beginning. Rob. I agree, Yes, we will
get this eagle. Someone has torent us this eagle. We're Rob Schneider,

(25:26):
right, Welcome to Rob on RobRob. Here's my guest, Rob,
Rob. What's your motivation during thebook scene? I was just thinking
about my dad? Oh, Rob, girl, Can I say how great
of a job you're doing hosting thispodcast? Rob, Hey, thank you
so much. Hey, Rob,you gave me the gift of the performance.

(25:48):
I just had to put it onseveral cameras. There is several inconsistent
cameras they had they talk about damn, we're about to talk about all this.
We'll be right happy, will berobbed back. We'll be robbed back

(26:22):
after you listen to the trailer forthis piece of fucking shit. God.
For thousands of years, the secrettribe of holy Men have been searching for
the one person who can save mankindfrom extinction. Their choice has finally been
made to me. Lack of foodtreatment, Paul, I can't be the

(26:48):
only one trying anymore. Goodbye,you ever go do? These men are
holly a luck of shaman and they'remost honored to meet you. All right,
he may not look enlightened. Thisis my brother, Neil. It
is a great honor to meet them, brother of the chosen One, the

(27:12):
chosen One. He may not seemdivine. You guys might tell me why
you dumped out my booze chrisa zA van Quarti. The head must be
clear to receive the message from theheart. Yeah, we'll tell him.
The foot will go up the assif they do that again. But that's
because he isn't You haven't made asale in three months? Am I being
motivated? Bob? Is that what'shappening right now? Haul, don't get

(27:33):
in that cart. I'm warning you. I have warned you. Don't turn
out the desert. Oh. Sometimesall it takes you think back to a
moment when you really wanted to dosomething with your life. I don't think
I've ever had that moment. Tobelieve in yourself, It's time for the

(27:56):
chosen one to awaken. I'm notthe chosen one. I can't save anybody.
I can't even save myself. Isfor someone else to believe in you.
The head must be clear to listenwhat the heart has to say.
Are the rocos saying that, areyou? Rob Schneider is okay, I'm
due back on planet Earth now,the chosen One. I'm still confused about
how my brother got to be oneof the Chosen People, not chosen people,

(28:19):
chosen one. I'm the chosen one, not you me? You ring
that bill again, I'm going toshove that so far up your Welcome back
to Rob on Rob, I'm robbinNo, I'm kidding. Welcome back to
Rob Schneider. Could you not?And uh boy, oh boy, do

(28:42):
we wish he did not? Wow? So I think we just need to
get it off the table right away. We were talking the entire time.
It is listed as a comedy drama, but this is not. It is
not at This is a drama.This is Rob Schneider's attempt at drama with
jokes sprinkle the in terrible jokes,terrible that don't even get like a titter,

(29:08):
no, nothing, And they're tryingto go for like dry and like
I don't care, but it's reallycoming off as like whatever. It's real
bad. This is the lowest I'vefelt in a while watching a movie.
It had moments, had moments,but also eighty percent of the time.
We were all just dying. Yeah, it was so slow. Rob Schneider

(29:34):
is a car salesman whose father killedhimself and whose brother is a monk,
Yeah, and who Buddhist monk.Buddhist monk, and his mom misses their
father. He has his fiancee breakup with him or his wife. In
the very first instant of the movie. He has just gotten broken up with

(29:57):
I think it's his wife. It'sa yeah. His wife leaves him for
a yoga instructor. Joke question mark. Rob Schneider then tries to quit his
job by driving a car through windowssponsored by Nissan, and is a Nissan's
Did you notice any I didn't.They were really name of the car more

(30:19):
often. Yeah, they should havesaid every car that Nissan has. Yes,
yeah, this is a Maximi oran Altima, Like just throw in
one of those, you know,three or five times one are the features
on those? Yeah, that's thisbad boy. You can stare into that
trunk for days. I'll tell youthe feature is going to be hybrid.

(30:42):
This is a scene at the Nissandealership. We're in the background. There's
supposed to be a lot of people. There's just a Nissan with its trunk
open and a woman by herself staringinto the back of the trunk doesn't move
the whole scene. It's one longcut like the White Kids Creatures Space.

(31:03):
They told me I had to justlook into the trunk and said, don't
do a lot. So I'm staring? Are you staring in that trunk?
I Schneider. I gotta direct myself. I can't be directing extras good directing
anyway. And then some random peopleshow up tell him he's a clip chosen

(31:25):
one because their mountain needs snow.One of them is an extremely attractive model
woman who would you guys say?She looked like Oh, I said,
she looks like a knockoff Katherine Heigl. Yeah, yeah, she shows up
for a little bit whatever. Itturns out his dad is the bird and
he needs to save the bird thatlost its nest in New York City.

(31:47):
There is about an hour and ahalf where we didn't know his dad was
the bird. Yes, but nowthat I know, Now that I know,
I kinda want to watch it again. Now that I know his dad's
the bird. Yeah, it makesthe move be a little bit different that
that that the dad that the dad. It comes right at the turn of
the third act, which is crazyto me. Before we get to that

(32:14):
though. Okay, so at thebeginning we said some notes I have.
Beer wouldn't do that was what wesaid. Wasn't seen the opening scene,
he almost burns down the house becausehe's drinking a beard that has apparently made
out of gas. Straight up.In first he d seven seconds of the
movie, you find out that hehas been broken up with because he's playing

(32:37):
the voicemail on his flip phone andgood flip phone, solid flip is burning
photos of his wife and then startsdumping beer on them, which causes a
massive fire in his living room.And we were all were like, beer
wouldn't do That's what we were reallylike, beer doesn't do that. That's

(32:58):
two hundred It would put out thefire. Yeah, it's like, what
kind of beer is he drinking?He is an alcoholic, Like that's stressed
in the entire movie. He hasa drinking upper problem. Yeah, he
found his dad his dad dead.Yeah, I mean, but he had
a drinking problem before. That's right, you're right, you're right, you're
right. Then I wrote down Borat. This was almost a stop almost.

(33:20):
We were like five minutes and almosthad a stop car. Yes, there's
a guy who Marie tells, Imean this is a rabbit hole right here.
Yeah, the best actor in themovie, best actor in the movie
turns out and Caleb you called itis Paul Giamati's brother. And Caleb clocked
it. He's like, this islike a tall skinny and I gotta say

(33:45):
he's good at he like Bacon wouldplay this character, was like like getting
into scenes any scene PAULI about hisbrother would enter, He'd be like,
oh, yeah, I love thischaracter. I'm like, oh, I

(34:07):
could totally this is me, couldbe this character, and I have so
much fun with this character. Mybuddy come on full cars. Oh god,
I just want to sell cars andfuck, what's funny is that bacon
headsy speaker said, And so there'sone right by me, and Bacon started
doing like he started talking as thisguy's like voice head right. But for

(34:30):
me with this speaker, I couldn'ttell the fucking difference, so I had
to constantly be like that was Bacon. Bacon did say that I added,
I add myself into the surround soundare a lot of fun, and he
sit right directly behind us. Noisessometimes, but all of your like a

(34:52):
little vocalizations Paul about his brother,who were like spot. That's why I
was not. I was trying tofigure out what was the movie because it
was a speaker and what was babyjomp back? Come on, come on,
I already patched that over. Comeon, and he doesn't care.
You're our spokesman, you're the elvisman. You got his dick and a vice

(35:15):
man. Can't fucking fire. Youaren't fucking kidding me. Come on,
spit my face. Come on,this is Paul. You got his brother.
He was really good, which isshame. It really just breaks my
heart is that the ten people andonly ten people that have seen this fucking
movie it can appreciate how good ofa Marcus Giamatti you're doing. And you

(35:38):
know what, So when I confirmedthat it was Paul dat Pauliati's brother,
I saw justin like the quick IMDbthat this guy went to the Yale School
of Drama. And it's like,it's unfortunate that Yale only gets you get
your backs. That is a crimeagainst Yale and a famous brother. Where's

(36:00):
the nup dessert? Could you imaginehim in his head getting notes from Rob's
brother? Did sideways and I wentto the Yale School Drama and I'm I'm
doing this ship. I'm doing thisshit. And my brother is in a

(36:22):
Rhino suit and suit is Spider Mantoo. Are you fucking kidding me?
He said to be Rhino And I'mhere, listen, this tiny little fuck
tell me what to do. Mybrother's doing billions and I can't even get
millions. He can't even get thousands, if he can't even come down here
in the teens. But this fuckgot in the mud with Rob Steiner and

(36:44):
an eagle. He legit is,he is. His choices are the best.
He's the best actor in the wholegame. And we when we first
see him, the reason why wethought looks exactly like Bret. He has
the same boats suit, the sameboar At tie, the same boar At
hair, the same boar At mustache, the same He's very tall and skinny.

(37:07):
It looked like Borat. We werelosing our mind. And then it's
like, if he has an exit, we gotta use a stop guard if
thus, and he's like no,It was like no boat ripped off the
chosen one fire throw Virginny Oh mygod, Oh I guess they wouldn't this

(37:27):
came out after Boat? This cameout after Borat? Did it? Hey?
Siri? When did Borat come out? Third? Two thousand and six?
Two thousand and six? This isafter bor At? He still tre
didn't we clarify that this was likefilmed in two thousand and seven? Could
have been sund same Okay, soit would have been shot around the same
time. Could have been shot atbecause it was released in twenty ten,

(37:51):
right, but it said it's saton the shelf for three years, so
probably shot around the same time.Is happening, you guys? He just
happened to be the same. Thisis this the prestige? Yes, and
it's hidden, that's right, it'sright, Brad one out on the on
the battle too close together, youknow what I'm saying. This is deep

(38:16):
impact Armageddon situation. But just withan ugly like tan suit. Do you
think Rob Scheider ran into such fairand coat at the men's warehouse when he
was getting this suit? Oh,oh my god, Oh my god.
Then I just drew bikinis all thebikini girls in the dealership for they never

(38:38):
came back out of focus. Thatjust so much. You could have written
that every five minutes. Half thismovie is out of focus. Half this
movie is on cameras, but thenthere's digital cameras that have a completely different
look and feel, and it's reallyshitty and you could tell right when they

(38:59):
ran out of money during certain scenes. Also, I'd say eighty five percent
of this movie is you are thechosen one. I'm not the chosen one.
Hey, did you guys take allmy alcohol? What the hell?
Why'd you throw out my alcohol?Listen, let me get you some food.
I'm not the chosen one. Ican't be the chosen one. Don't
have my life together. Hey,why'd you take my alcohol? And imagine

(39:22):
that in the same setting the time, it's same the house. Eighty percent
of that discussion, of the eightyfive percent of the movie is in this
fucking I know the layout. Icould draw the blue prints this house.
I know all the peer one bullshitthat my god, I know where he

(39:43):
puts his box full of taxes,like everything about it. I want to
rip every single one of those verticalblinds out of the Oh my god,
I know where the knife block isthe dirtiest. What the fucking fridg down,
Rob, It's like a stainless steelfridge with the nastiest most discut like

(40:07):
a million people eating chips just likeput their hands all over this fucking refrigerator
so much. Finger friends, it'sgross that he and in that fridge he
keeps a plate with a slice ofbread. Oh my god, that that
pissed me off. So but thatwas maybe my number one rans watching kind

(40:28):
of psychopath puts a piece of whitewonder bread in the fridge, just on
a loose in the fridge, ona plate with like Deli meat wrapped in
the paper. Still, what earthall this shit happening in like the Arrested
Development House. Ye, like it'sso bad, Yes, it's so bad.

(40:52):
The pacing is so bad, it'sso horrible. Who in everything?
Yeah, you breathe. And theshots it's like one long shot they didn't
do. They don't even do oneto two, one to two, It's
just three the whole time. AndI don't understand why. I when I

(41:12):
saw the final time like timestamp onit, I was like, this is
an hour for are you could haveshaved ten minutes off this movie easily,
I thought it. I expected itto be like eighty nine minutes. That's
what I expected, Like barely enoughto get it into theaters. Caleb,
you asked to check the time.You're like, Bacon, please, how

(41:32):
much is left? And we weren'teven halfway And all of us were like
because they also the shots are solong. That also makes the product placement
so agregious. Besides the Nissan,which is like above and beyond the number
one part of this movie, Heineken. Fiji were trying to move that Fiji.

(41:59):
Oh my god, Oh my god. Who were like, yo,
we got double double delivery. Fijimoved the Fiji put it out front as
many Fijis you can get out there. I'm pretty sure they put Fiji outside
of every door that they like.You know what, I wanted some nice
hot water, just sitting in thesun, and I like my water in
plastic bottles, just with direct sunlight. A little bit slowed off in there.

(42:23):
That's Fiji. She's like, Fijifar off place. It's too far
to fly too, so I couldjust drink the water here and blue tequila,
blue tequila. I don't know.I was just thinking about that,
how much extra PIFAs is in thatwater. I'm sitting in the just Bacon

(42:46):
thinking in the sun road extra PIFAs. Oh my god, all because they
just had too much Fiji. Yeah, oh my god. Those people were
drinking a credit card worth a plasticevery time they opened legos. So much

(43:09):
fucking plastic, fucking pooping out setsclicked together. Shit, Rob Rob,
I think something's wrong with that Fijiwater from set. I fucking pooped out
an army man. That's a threeD printer. Oh that's a toothbrush with

(43:36):
bristles, Rob, Rob, don'tdrink the Fiji water. Call me back.
Oh my god, I'm crying.Hey do sayone needs some healthcare?
I just kind of just printed anHCA ashole. I just shut an HCA

(44:00):
guard. Anyone needs some health care? I need that. I need some
coverage. I just pooped out ofKayak. I drink case send. Anyone
need a bumper friend F one fiftyninety four. I'm all kinds of stuff.

(44:30):
They changed the bumpers from ninety fourto ninety five. If you got
a ninety five, I pooped thewrong bumper. They gotta give me another
minute. I'm gonna drink some Affijispecificites. A cutic comedy. Oh my
lord, this is one of thosemovies too. It's so horrible experience that

(44:52):
all we do is do bit.I know how bad the movie is by
how many bits, because it's justto talk about I'm gonna play a little
bit of his monologue right here forthe confusing one. It's yeah, the
one that now that we know fromone at one hour, seven minutes and

(45:13):
thirty seconds, where he talks abouthis dad and what happened. That's why
I don't remember. I was thinkingdrunk. It was forty cars. It
was a small rental car company thatI'd been working on, and they needed
a replacement fleet, a whole fleet. I mean that's like two years salaries

(45:36):
for most guys, but not me. And I had this guy, I
mean, he was right there andI was ready to close him. He's
right there, and then Dad called. I told him I'd be right over.
And then the guy waffled. Seethat's the thing. You can't give
him a second to breathe, oryou can lose him. And I was

(45:57):
not going to lose this guy.I was not gonna lose this guy.
So Freddie and I took him outfor a drink and we drank, we
drank, and uh, I closedthe deal. I don't know how I

(46:20):
drove home. I Uh, Icouldn't see it. I knew something was
wrong, but I couldn't see it. I just walked away and I kept

(46:49):
walking. It was forty cars.Well, we know that Rob wrote this,
and it seemed like he knew thebeats he had to hit, but
because he didn't memorize the lines,it was just like fucking confusing. And

(47:12):
that was the That was the onlylike good take he had of it or
something. So that's what they used. That's what it feels like to me.
Big And you have the stats onthis. He he wasn't nominated for
an awesome. I don't know.I'd have to look into that one.
I thought he won that year.He didn't. Well, we came out.
It was shot in two thousand andsix. It came part of this

(47:36):
was like around the I think itparted. No, that was a Wall
Street at that point. I don'tknow. I don't know. It's tough,
it's tough. It's one of hisone of his win it's one of
his many. Probably Robert Obini.Yes, I wrote down Green Screen.

(47:59):
God, so many, so manyreally bad to New York. The building.
We all were like, oh god, the cab to the building and
just like the building, Yeah,well anything new Yorky, Like the building
kind of looked like the room almostlike over the camera moves, so they're

(48:19):
not in New York. They're obviouslyin LA. And the green screened everything
and it was done so poorly.What other notes? Any other notes you
guys have? I hardly have anynotes because this was so fucking bad.
Well, then I have Assassin's CreedRob Schneider because towards the end of the
movie, Rob Schneider climbs up thebuilding like a spider monkey to put nest
back. Yes, and then proceedsto fall off and think about the scene

(48:45):
that we lost our minds and wherehis dad turns into a bird. Yeah,
so good. Also, we needto point out that not only did
he find out about the hawk onhis local LA news station, Yeah,
but also when he's scaling the buildingto put the nest back, Yeah,

(49:06):
LA has a direct feed to thisNew York City local news channel. The
country's eyes turned to It's like oje, you know, like, oh my
god, where were you when Robscaled the building? Yeah? Did you
see him? Because he scaled thebuilding pretty easily. Yeah, in wingtips

(49:28):
and a tuxt which we still don'tunderstand why he wasn't understanding in this movie,
Oh my god, he talked aboutwhat's going to brother plays his brother
who's a Buddhist monk, and andSteve is having the worst time of his
life. Yeah, in this film. Yeah, there is a particular dinner
scene that is so bad it's insufferable. Rivals the dinner scene in Jack and

(49:54):
Jill, at least that one hassomething happening. Yeah, this dinner scene,
right, you've seen Jack, Yeah, I would, I would solidly
say this is worse, Yes,way worse than the dinner scene and Jack
Jill. Dinner scenes can in comediesor in this case, range traumas are
a real, a real fun thingthat you could write and make very interesting,

(50:16):
and there's a lot of different waysto go, and this film decided
to not do any of it right. It was pretty august Osage County.
Yes, I agree there, Ithink they got the overlap felt it to
me, so I think you're wrong. Also, the treatment of like the

(50:39):
Native tribe, let's get into thevague Columbian. Yeah, the vague like
Columbian. It's just bad. It'soffensive. It's very offensive and needlessly.
So, yeah, because it feelslike, here's what it feels like.
It feels like they got three peoplewho might genuinely be natives. Yes,

(51:02):
they gave him nothing from there.They took the premise of jungle to jungle
and made it really fucking boring.Yes, because it's like a fish out
of water with these Yeah. Ittakes him to the grocery store and they're
like, oh, what a greatharvest, and he's like, it's harvest
here every day. Yeah, andthey never explain it, like they don't
have any fun with it. Thefun at the grocery store they have is

(51:24):
one of them starts eating a pearand leaves the seed and then the I
said, Paul Blart, grocery storecop comes over. You're gonna pay for
that? Bear? Fork out anine on me right now, pull your
brains out. It's like, Jesus, don't take seeds. Let me check.
Excuse me, pink, I don'tyou usually take money? But some

(51:45):
guy gave me a seed. No, he's stupid, got it. I'm
gonna strangle you. He comes athim so hard, rob I'm robbed here.
I want to talk about the scenewhere I barter with a native person
for overseeds. Yeah. You knowa lot of people say, don't do
these kind of bartering scenes where theyor extend them out that go over forever,

(52:07):
and I say, double down onthem. I doubled down. I
went in forever And they did itall in one long shot where we hardly
cut to the natives and we andwe breathe, we breathe in the scene
like I say a line, Hesays a line. Did I say a

(52:28):
line? Then he holds up fingers, Oh yeah, okay, forgot that
block. Show don't tell, don'ttelling, show don't tell it. I
win, but we have. Hedrives a hard bargain. That's it.
So they they're just happy we wereout of the house. It's honestly,
in the beginning of the movie,we were in the house for what felt

(52:52):
like years. I was just happywe got to go somewhere. You know,
the movie starts at the dealer ship, right, but then it goes
it's not at the dealership for verylong. They have the driving scene,
and then after that we're in thathouse, living in that house forever.
I feel like you see more outsidethe house in paranormal activity. Jesus Christ

(53:15):
it was awful. Oh my god, the shot of the house outside with
the dancy and just dacy and justmade it a nighttime scene and then they
didn't even try to hide it.Later they showed the daytime shot of the
house and it's the exact same asthe night but very poorly. The night
has like the entire milky way.You can famlessly see all the stars and

(53:43):
the sky because of the way theydid it, it's like slightly blue,
so it's like either dawn or dust, you can, but you can see
the milky full milky way, andeverything has a really long shadow. Yeah,
there's big shadows on this thing.You know what, Just shoot it
at night. They probably didn't havecameras that were good enough to do.
They probably didn't. Fuck you forthinking they won't notice. Fun of you

(54:07):
for thinking the audience being like,wouldn't notice that shit. We already noticed
the blurry to crisp like cuts thathappen every eight seconds. In the beginning,
it seems to find its way,but at the beginning of the film
it might have been reshoots or something, but it is blurried, not even
strightly blurry, extremely blurry. It'sedited wrong and then also in the beginning,

(54:30):
there's scenes where it feels like thereshould be music because those are's long
pauses and breaths, and then thereisn't, But then the music does come
in later, so again it feelslike they maybe had to change that whole
beginning. It really feels like theystraddle the line of like this being similar
to the Room, like but howbad it is, and like the multiple

(54:50):
cameras. But I'd have more respectfor this film if it just went all
in on like being terrible, ratherthan trying to mate like whatever Rob considers
art. I would argue that thisis very room energy, because I both
think in both instances they were tryingvery hard to make a good dramatic film,

(55:14):
and in doing so, it's fuckingawful. And they're in Texas for
no reason. My god, ohmy god, just like the room there
Tuxas. Remember they're playing football.He's not ripping off for he's off the
room. If only they tossed theremote in extremely close quarters. The remote

(55:36):
is the football things the entire time, we're like, that's the connection to
the tribes. Mom had cancer,it went away, but Noh's dad killed
himself, and you're my favorite customer. I wish, I wish there was
the same high hawk high hockey andmy favorite dad in intense sex scene and
that red dress to his ex wife. Oh my god. And then just

(55:58):
like the room, he has twowomen yeah for him, who are both
way too hot for him. Yes, oh my god. Yes, this
is the room. This is Iapologize. This is the room and uh
and the chosen one kind of situationwhen you compare it to like the prestige
and the illusions, Yeah, that'swhat happened. The room got all the

(56:22):
glory. Oh my god. Idid write down that they have cool hats.
Oh the tribes. The tribes peoplehave cool hats. I like their
hats. I don't know how todescribe them. Kind of like a bucket
on your head. Allah Kevin Jamesalmost yeah, yeah, it's like a
little bucket, white cap that goesup. It looks like it's made out

(56:43):
of really nice material. It's likea white fez. Yeah, oversized square
cutout. Yeah, like like thatAmish haircut you know that goes straight across
there. I wish they would havegiven them different personalities. Yeah, yeah,
I wish they I wish one thatwe rob maybe learned their language or

(57:07):
something, because they're the entire timethey were just translated, so we'd have
to hear them talk. Then thelady would yeah, yeah, she would
explain it, and then Rob wouldsay his joke kind of. So he
was never gonna like hending up withher was never going to be a thing
because she just disappeared. She's gone, and the movie ends with just a
car driving towards the like Natives mountainsthat they want. I think that's continuating.

(57:30):
He's going back to get her,right, but it's just like a
car driving bye bye. Yeah,there was no payoff. There was this
whole romantic thing between him and thiswoman who apparently lived in the mountains of
Columbia. Yes, with the mostbeautiful hair, skin, perfect skin,
everything's waxed, you know, yeah, makeup perfect, all their clothes immaculate,

(57:55):
pressed white and then white is alsothey do We remember when they insinuated
that they walked across the US borderfrom Columbia and never stopped at any point
to sleep, shower. Yet theyjust looking Chris Chris. They had to

(58:19):
show up, you know. Meanwhile, Rob gets back from New York and
it is trashed and he just tooka flight. That's so fucking stupid.
This is these tribesmen walked for milesto come to califn somewhere in California because
he says he's the best California carsalesman or whatever, so that he could

(58:40):
fly to New York and save abird. Yes, I save a bird's
nest and then fly back. Whydoes it York? We don't even you
can't film there. Why did youdo it? Why did you do it?
What the fun was that about?I also wrote down Reno nine one

(59:01):
one motherfucker. Oh that's the guywe thought was maybe his trainer, but
then he is because he's probably notthe trainer. Yeah, it'd be nice
to know if one of those extras, you know, oh, maybe his
trainer was that woman looking into thetrunk. Maybe it was the security guard
that was like, we got trashupstairs. I love to hear you're picking

(59:24):
like the biggest and buffist dudes.I bet it's like, bet it's like
a lovely woman named Diane. Itwas one of the girls in the bikini,
ye, which they didn't even shootit right. They had like three
girls in a bikini exploiting them andthey just shot up from the side.
So you see one girl and theadr giggling. Oh from Roby, you

(59:58):
can do it? Who you lovecars? Nissans get there's sick and then
they shot on the floor. Shegets triple X rating. They start dumping

(01:00:23):
on the cars. Yeah, nowit turns in a girl dump to one
just shipping a Nissans. I'm gonnashoot the back of this sex Terra.

(01:00:46):
Nissan Z's get ship all over it. I wish I knew more cars fucking
stops, but I don't know.Does Nisan have a trunk because I need
to take a maximum about I thinkone's called a tune drummun drum. I'm

(01:01:15):
gonna take a ton dump and aton drunk. Holy shit. Robs Snyder's
a car salesman here. He's fallenso far. He's talking to himself too.
This feels like a fe So thisis a weird one. This is
a weird one. The last noteI wrote is it makes me laugh so

(01:01:37):
hard? Is I know that bird? He sees the bird on like television
or something, right, and theylike freeze frame it like it's like,
have you've seen this bird? Thisfucking bird? And he goes I know
that bird. That's a bird.Wait a minute, that's a burden my

(01:02:00):
dream. I've had coffee with thatgood I sold an ultimate of that Yeah,
low mileage on that ultimate. Iremember it. I remember every car.
I said. He was looking toreplace this flock of cars. I'm
on the lick on the literally.He was waiting on the phone line outside

(01:02:23):
when I showed up. Then mygrandmother called and I was like, can
you give me a fucking second,Mima, I'm a fucking work sling Nissans
on the line. Mamma, shutthe fuck up. I've got a hawk

(01:02:49):
on the line, his whole flock. If I lose this hawk deal,
I swear to God you know howfast they mate. Mamma, I'm gonna
doump in in every room and blameit on you. I will visit you
and dump at places and blame iton you, and I'll say me,

(01:03:12):
Mas lost it. Maybe she can'tbe here anymore, so stop calling me?
Hi? What now? What doI need to get square? Yeah?
I'm sorry you said your name wasYeah, I'm saying that right?
Was that offensive? I'm sorry?It's really good, but the accident isn't

(01:03:40):
right there. He knows the language. But he hasn't he hasn't lived there,
He doesn't live in the nest.Mama fucked up the accuse mem why
are you calling again? Do yourmedical alert. I'm gonna dump some beer

(01:04:03):
on my nana's picture and set iton. Oh my god, this is
truly like when it sucks, wejust have to make it good for ourselves.
Yeah, because it's so bad afilm. Yeah, and who's gonna
listen to this episode? Because who'sever watched this movie? If you seriously

(01:04:25):
listen to this episode and didn't watchthis movie, great, but this is
gonna be the lowest listen to ithas It has to be. No one's
like, oh yeah, the chosenwith Rob Schneider an opinion. You can't
even find it anywhere. It's impossible. It's It's also also don't waste your
time, so don't waste your preciouslives and hours. And if you get

(01:04:47):
it, you're gonna watch it andyou're gonna be like, oh, the
version that I'm watching it must havesome sort of problems with the coding or
the camera was jutting around the Therolling shutter on these digital cameras is such
trash. Back in the day andit's nauseating. Yes, we were getting
dizzy. Oh you could tell Ruchtighter running around on the Irish spring set

(01:05:13):
in his in his oversized suits,looking after that eagle that he says,
you're the eagle from my dream.Yeah, I know that, and Caleb
goes, oh, you know that'sthe bird they all look the fucking saying
you could give a bird expert.Oh yeah, I know that one that's

(01:05:35):
different, that one knows me money. Yeah, I can tell. Yes,
this attitude. You always remember theattitude because it's something they can change.
It's got a piece of shit attitude. I don't like, you can't

(01:05:56):
stand them. Uh yeah, howdo you know where you would put it?
I know where I think I do. Okay, but this I will
say this is a one because well, first of all, all the rob
Schneiders are tough ones, because it'sreally trying to like you're just really pushing

(01:06:19):
around. Pooh is what it feelslike. I put this above inappropriate comedy.
That was a gobbledegook mess, andso I just can't. I can't
put in inappropriate comedy above the ChosenOne No, because that's not really that's

(01:06:41):
not even a movie. It's justa series of bad segments and they're really
sketches. And yeah, I soI was not here when you Guys first
started, Rob Schneider, but Iremember listening to the Inappropriate Comedy episode and
just being like, who it was. I'm glad it was that one.
It's one of the roughest I thinkwe've ever watched in the history of it.

(01:07:03):
There were some pretty bad Happy Madisonones. In the Happy Madison Valley
was a fucking a low one.It was bad. I mean when some
of the best moments were that ScaryMadison movie, which was like, oh,
I remember when you did this ScaryMason, which was like it was
bad, but it was like,okay, at least like something's happening.

(01:07:25):
But man, when we were watchinglike Dickie Roberts Born to be a Star
and then Bucky Larson or Born tobe a Star, I don't even remember
what you no, Dickie Roberts formerchild star Bucky Larson. Yeah, then
there was like Master of Disguise InappropriateComedy, Like there was just a run
of just like oh, this isMaster Guys. Yeah, Wilderness whatever the

(01:07:49):
Wilderness movie was, I mean,oh, strange Wilderness I think that's your
favorite. It is that goes toshow how deep that valley. I think
if we're if we're ranking everything wewatch, it's Adam Sandler's number one,
he makes the best. Yes,then it's Kevin, but it's a long

(01:08:10):
ways down to Kevin James. Yeah, then Rob No, then David Spade.
Oh yeah, for County David Spade, then I would put I would
might even put David well because theDavid Spade has Tommy Boyce, so then
I put him above. But ifwe're not really counting him on the podcast,
because we didn't do all the DavidSpades, right, didn't you do
Joe Dirt? We did? Wedidn't Madison, Yeah, that's Happy Madison.

(01:08:32):
That's part of the Happy Madisons.Yeah. Yeah, But if we're
talking too yes and down? Ohyeahls were up and down. Wow,
but yeah, but some of thosesnls, I mean, yeah, it's
Pat Stuart family. It was bad. Ladies Man was not very good.
But Night at the Roxbury is great. That was really fun, but it

(01:08:55):
was it was up and down.There were a couple of like and then
we got to watch the Wayne inthe World and we got that was good.
Yeah, it was there were somegood ones there, So I put
Rob Schneider below, yeah, rightto collectively, and I agree with you
because I Rob Schneider is really competingfor Happy Madison as a collective as to

(01:09:16):
which is worse, because I thinkRob Schneider might actually be worse his collection
than the Happy Madison films, becausethere's at least some half decent Happy Madison
films. I think Joe Dirt,which is not even that great of a
film, yeah, is better thananything better than if you're so, if
I think Spades, Joe Dirt isSchneider's Douce Bigelow. Yes, I think

(01:09:40):
that's their two kind of iconic bestsolo things that they if you're telling me
and then my favorite is Douce BigelowEuropean Jiglow. And you're like, you
want to see that? Or doyou want to see Joe Dirt again?
And I'd say I'll go see JoeDirt, except Joe Dirt two is so
I will say the Deuce Bigelow unitverse has an overall better two movies.

(01:10:03):
If you're gonna watch two movies,no other goddamn podcast where you can get
this kind commentary, this kind ofinsight, am just shoveling the ship.
Remember a homestar runner hoop smith,Yeah, a little smiths smiths, a

(01:10:26):
little poop smith. You're sitting athome, it's Friday night. You're like,
what am I gonna do? AmI gonna spit? Double spade it
up? I'm not gonna double douceit. I would say double douce it.
But if you're only down for onemovie, then just spade it,
and then I would watch Tommy Boy. That's by far its best. Yeah,
oh, pick yourself back up withTommy. But I would also say,

(01:10:46):
if you ask me which one Iwould like to watch again, I
never want to see this again.I don't know. I think you're also
suffering from recency bias, because Idon't think you ever want to see inappropriate
comedy again either, because that movieis bad. Okay, it's not a
matter of whether I want to seeeither one of them again. Which one
would you not want to see again? For sure? If you had to

(01:11:09):
watch one or the other, whichone would you not want to watch?
Because for me, I still thinkit's an appropriate comedy. Yeah, inappropriate
comedy is like made me feel sick, I think, and this didn't make
me feel sick, So it's gotthat. It kind of made me want
to buy a car. That's that'sa talent. That's a talent or Rob,
So I agree with you. Ihave it that's the talent of Paul

(01:11:30):
Giamati's brother Marcus. Marcus, yousay he should have been the lead in
this movie, and Rob Schneider shouldhave been the other? Say only you?
Well does that? Yeah, well, Marcus Giamati didn't cast Marcus Giomanti.

(01:11:50):
So I have this second to lastabove an appropriate comedy. Oh can
you tell us your top five?Caleb five is Douce Bigelows. It's a
top Douce Biggelow European Gigolos. It'sit's a dose Judge dread at three,
the Animal at four, in theHot Chick at five. Oh yeah,

(01:12:11):
ours are very similar, very similarlists. Yeah, mine from one to
five. Douce Biglow European Jigglow isnumber one for me. Didn't we count
knockoff or did you hate knockoff?Knockoff was six for me? Okay,
I put it at two. Iput put knoff as your second one.
That's what I have it in here. I said this is a fantastically horrible
nineties action movie starring one of theworst nineties comedians, Rob Schneider. Kind

(01:12:34):
of hit me in the right spot. There's something about like a really really
bad van. Damn hating that one. I mean, I don't like any
of these. Number three more thanNorma than North North is way down North.
Number three is Douce Bigelow Male Jigglow. Number four is the Animal,
so we have that exactly the same, and number five is Judge dread my

(01:12:55):
bottom five from nine to thirteen,so it goes home team, norm of
the North, big Stand, thechosen one, and then an app appropriate
comedy. Whe you're wrong there,man, what's your bottom five? You're
so wrong there? My bottom fiveis from what from nine to thirteen?
Surf Ninjes is nine, home teamis ten, big Stand is eleven,

(01:13:15):
the Chosen One is twelve, andthen inappropriate comedies. That's what we have,
the exact same, except for Ihave Surf Nininges above home team.
That's the only difference. You didn'thave You had Norm of the North in
there, didn't you. Yeah,norm of the North. Norm of the
North is my seventh. Oh,I have it at ten. That's just
barely. I've bench warmers at seven. You could check out our lists,
check out the show notes. Let'sargue that I mean all of these I

(01:13:40):
gave half a star except for DeuceBigelow European Jigglow, which I gave one
full star. So we're really justagain, we're just pushing around pool.
The Chosen One is a four pointfive on IMBB. Inappropriate Comedy has a
two point seven Wow. Yikes,like it is other worldly. It is

(01:14:02):
if you look at it on letterboxedInappropriate Comedy, all that the half stars
are through the roof, and thenthe second thing you are forgetting how terrible
that movie was. And I don'twant to watch it. It looks it's
my least favorite film. I thinkfor me it is. I think it
is the worst movie that I havewatched for this podcast podcast. Yeah,

(01:14:25):
we've watched some ship, but thatwas it was all horrible. That was
really awful. Uh, anything elseyou guys about this? No, I
don't have anything else. I thinkthis is. I think we did it.
I think we did it. Ifollow Caleb on letterboxed, Yeah,
follow follow me on letterbox There'll bea list in the in the show notes

(01:14:45):
letter. Yeah, send me forme. Yeah, and you could also.
I have a bunch of movies ranked. I've ranked every Jurassic Park movie,
every Leperchon movie every Friday, theThirteenth movie, every Shrek movie including
the musical. So next up,definitely on the list is Leo, the
animated turtle film November twenty one,twenty twenty three, released on Netflix.

(01:15:09):
We're definitely going to see that onein the meantime. Still, Kevin James
Guns Up is a movie that iscoming up, and again Daddy Daughter Trip,
no idea, what the hell iscoming up? Pledge Trip is in
pre production, and Dead the movieDead Wrong is complete, but again no
release date yet. On that,you, guys, I think it's pretty

(01:15:30):
obvious we would say, Rob Steiner, could you not, Oh my god,
please, could you absolutely not?Yeah? Okay, well I say
that or I know that bird.I don't know what we want to say.
I say I think I think wesay, Rob Schneider, I know
that bird. That's great. That'sa great idea that today's guest has undoubtedly

(01:16:00):
made you laugh at some point.You may have even quoted some of his
catchphrases over the years. He spenta few seasons on Saturday Night Live,
back when it was still doing comedy. You know. He's played a jiggilo,
a martian, a dinosaur prince,a guru, a donkey writer,
a sensitive nudist delivery guy, creepyElvis, crime fighting animal, surf ninja,

(01:16:27):
a petty criminal who morphs into RachelMcAdams, and a copy machine guy
who loves to give people nicknames.In water Boy, he turned four simple
words you can do it into aniconic punchline. He is a core member
of Adam Sandler's Happy Medicine Productions.Maybe the most impressive thing that he has

(01:16:50):
done is to tell the world he'snot awoke leftist. He is awake.
Please welcome Rob Schneider.

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