November 19, 2025 • 38 mins
If your past still decides who you get to be, this conversation will break the spell!
Hollywood therapist and author Dr. Nicki Monti shares how early abandonment, addiction, and lifelong relationship patterns shaped her identity—and how she rewrote her story from the inside out. In this powerful conversation, she explains how childhood survival strategies become adult barriers, why sobriety uncovers what we’ve been running from, and how real healing begins when you stop protecting the wound and start telling the truth.
Dr. Nicki opens up about decades of emotional recovery, caregiving her husband through cancer, rebuilding life after loss, and finally finding healthy, mature love with clarity and boundaries. Her Stuck No More method helps you understand the beliefs that keep you repeating old dynamics—and how to choose self-worth, emotional safety, and connection at any age.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in your story, this episode offers the mindset shifts, recovery tools, and self-understanding needed to change the meaning of your past and reclaim your life.
Resources
For a similar stories on changing your story, check episode 144 and 149 of Aging with Purpose and Passion and The "Women in the Middle®" hosted by life coach Suzy Rosenstein and focuses on helping women in midlife, navigate life changes, set goals, and find happiness.
Dr. Nicki Monti – Psychotherapist, Author & Founder of Stuck No More
📧 d r n i c k i @ s t u c k n o m o r e . c o m
🌐 https://www.stucknomore.com
📘 https://www.facebook.com/stucknomore
📸 @drnickimonti
💼 https://www.linkedin.com/in/drnickimonti
Beverley Glazer – Transformation Coach & Host📧 Bev@reinventImpossible.com
🌐 https://reinventImpossible.com
💼 https://www.linkedin.com/in/beverleyglazer
📘 https://www.facebook.com/reinventImpossible
👥 Women Over 50 Rock: https://www.facebook.com/groups/womenover50rock
📸 https://www.instagram.com/beverleyglazer_reinvention/
🎁 BONUS: Take your first step to clarity, courage and momentum. Your free checklist: → From Stuck to Unstoppable – is here.
https://reinvent-impossible.aweb.page/from-stuck-to-unstoppable
Have feedback or a powerful story that's worth telling? Contact us at info@Reinventimpossible.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Announcer (00:07):
Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the
podcast designed to inspire yourgreatness and thrive through
life.
Get ready to conquer yourfears.
Here's your host,psychotherapist, coach, and
empowerment expert, BeverleyGlazer.
Beverley Glazer (00:33):
What if the stories you keep telling
yourself are holding you backfrom the life you deserve?
Welcome to Aging with Purposeand Passion.
I'm Beverley Glazer, atransition coach and catalyst
for women who are ready to raisethe bar in their own lives.
And you can find me onreInventInpossible.com.
Hollywood therapist, Dr.
(00:55):
Nicki Monty, knows thisfirsthand.
From childhood trauma,addiction, loss, and finally
discovering true love, she'stransformed every chapter of her
pain into purpose.
Dr.
Monty has appeared on realityshows like Keeping Up with the
Kardashians, MillionaireMatchmaker, and Love Handles,
(01:18):
and her television, podcastinterviews, and articles have
made her a household name.
Through her Suck No Moreplatform and best-selling books,
Dr.
Nikki empowers others to createlasting and meaningful change.
Welcome, Nikki.
Dr. Nicki Monti (01:39):
It's great to be here with you.
I'm telling you, it was a itwas a journey of its own, wasn't
it?
Always, always.
Beverley Glazer (01:49):
Nikki, you were born in LA, but you went to
boarding school when you werevery, very, very young.
I mean, kids go to boardingschool, seven years old.
That's scary.
Dr. Nicki Monti (02:00):
Yeah, it was scary.
It was scary.
I mean, I wouldn't say I Ideeply remember how scary, but I
I know it was a strangeexperience.
And there you are in your verylittle uh not uh uh within this
last few years, I went for thesecond time.
The first time I went back tosea, it's in OHI, California, so
(02:21):
it's only a few hours from LosAngeles where I live.
And um uh the first time I wastaken up there uh at that point
by a boyfriend, he uh, which ismany, many years ago, he I
couldn't get out of the car.
He thought he'd surprise mewith this trip, right?
I couldn't get out of the car.
And then uh this last time Iwent on purpose, which was in
(02:43):
the last few years with a friendof mine and my my now partner,
and uh I got out, I managed toget out of the car.
But when I looked at how youngthose children were, I realized
how young I was.
And uh there's a there's alittle story in the book about
this fellow uh who turned out tobe the principal.
(03:05):
It was a Sunday, but they weredoing it, it changed very much.
It was mostly day students.
We were not day students, therewere a couple, but we slept
over and stayed over.
And he came up to me uh and us,and he said, uh, uh, and and my
partner Tom said, uh, oh, youknow, she used to go here when
she was a uh a little littlegirl.
(03:25):
And he said, Really?
Oh, and he was clearly notthere when I had started at
seven.
And uh he said, Oh, what do youremember?
And I heard come out of mymouth, which you know, because
I'm very connected to my heartand my feelings.
So sometimes just my insidevoice just comes out, you know.
(03:46):
And I said, What do I remember?
Horses in sadness.
Oh, and he was um uh okay.
Well, look, have a look around.
Beverley Glazer (03:58):
See I didn't know how to deal with that one.
I didn't know what to say, andI don't blame him.
It was, you know, no, no, it'svery, very scary.
But your mom traveled, your momtraveled a lot, she was also an
alcoholic.
How did that affect you?
Dr. Nicki Monti (04:16):
Well, you know, it's interesting.
One of the things about havingbeen in uh boarding school was
in California for two years, andI was in New Jersey for a year,
and then I was in Darien,Connecticut for eight years.
So the whole thing was 11years.
Uh and uh so one thing I andthen I'd be with my mother in
the summers or on you know,Christmas vacation and whatever.
Beverley Glazer (04:38):
Sure.
Dr. Nicki Monti (04:38):
And I realized way after, you know, and of
course, the whole time I wasjust to myself saying, Oh,
they've thrown me away, theydon't want me, which has some
reality to it.
I was an intrusion, and theyand that was that what it was.
It was more convenient.
My mother used to say, Well, Ican do what I do and we can live
well, or we could live in ashack.
And I used to say, Well, let'slet's live in a shack, you know.
(05:00):
So, but um many years later, Irealized what a good deal
boarding school was.
Because had not it been forboarding school, I would have
been with my alcoholic motherand what uh early on became my
alcoholic stepfather.
And uh I would have been withthat all the time.
But what alcohol, what beingbrought up in an alcoholic home
(05:24):
taught me was resilience,vigilance, uh, flexibility, and
um and really uh an abilitywhich I still have to pivot
because you just don't know whatit's gonna be like at any given
time.
Are they gonna be lovey andwonderful uh for 10 minutes?
(05:46):
Are they gonna be likescreaming at each other and
getting totally so drunk theycan't stand up?
You just don't know.
And so uh it it you know, I'mpretty good at ducking and
weaving, I'll tell you that.
And I'm also good at adapting.
Uh, and like I said,resilience.
And also in boarding school,the the the um platform, my my
(06:11):
life of service got establishedthen, which of course I didn't
know then, uh, because I wasmother surrogate and people came
to me with their problems.
And uh I have a picture of meuh probably I'm I I must have
been two or something, and I'msitting, I'm all dressed up,
which obviously I didn't domyself, but still it it it
(06:32):
predicts my being overdressedthroughout my life, which I was.
And uh so I'm all dressed upand I'm sitting on this armless
chair, and I have thisexpression on my face.
And I'm sitting like this, asif I'm looking at a patient.
I mean, again, it looks likeI'm doing you know, two-year-old
(06:53):
therapy to anothertwo-year-old.
Beverley Glazer (06:57):
So very cute.
It's very cute.
Finally, you went off tocollege, and that was by choice,
yeah.
And you wanted to go away, andyou studied communications,
which is always interesting.
Dr. Nicki Monti (07:11):
Which is code for at that time, it was code
for acting.
Beverley Glazer (07:14):
Uh, yes, it's just a big word for that.
And and also addictionscuriousness.
Dr. Nicki Monti (07:21):
Yes, I got a degree in addiction.
It was not they didn't give methe degree.
No, I formed my I made my ownsyllabus.
Like, what will this year beabout?
Beverley Glazer (07:33):
Well, I didn't quite get word, but and and your
first husband was an alcoholic,too to form.
Dr. Nicki Monti (07:40):
So well, actually, I I call my first
husband um uh an uh drug more ofa drug addict.
We were more of druggies, youknow, druggies in the 60s.
And uh my second husband was analcoholic, and my third
husband, the one that was itjust goes on and on.
You know, my name takesforever.
(08:01):
We don't have time in thepodcast for it, but uh the third
husband uh was a recovered, hehad 20 years of sobriety when I
met him.
He was older than me.
And so, but still, uh the ism,as we say, is there, whether
you're drinking or you're notdrinking, you know.
Beverley Glazer (08:18):
Sure.
Why do you think you kept onrepeating that behavior?
Kept on going.
Dr. Nicki Monti (08:23):
That's what we do.
This is the basis of a lot ofwhat I teach.
I look for early patterns and Iand we look together at how
we're perpetuating those earlybeliefs and with through the
patterns we adopt uh and uhcreate.
So my early idea of myself wasclearly, I mean, my my
(08:49):
biological father left when Iwas four, you know, and my
mother was always trying allthose things, and the
alcoholism, which is a notpresent kind of parenting
situation, even if I was thereall the time.
Alcoholism doesn't let you bepresent if you're deeply.
I think it's funny that theycall it practicing.
I'm like, you know, you'reperfect at this, you don't need
to practice anymore.
(09:11):
Yeah, but anyway, so um the uhI watched them, and of course I
was never gonna be an alcoholic.
No, of course not.
Nobody is oh, so I did drugs,you know.
I missed the point.
I started with drugs.
Um, and but uh early on,because of my uh interpretation
(09:38):
of what happened, I decided thatI was a throwaway and that I
would never be enough foranybody to love me.
And based on that, that's thethe foundation that I laid and
that I the you know the the hillI died on, uh, that over and
over again I proved by thechoices I made, by the decisions
(10:03):
I made, uh within myself, bythe way I lived my life.
And it was pretty dark.
Um, and all the time I lookedpretty good.
You know, I had great maskingtalents.
Yeah.
And so I was uh I was able tolook kind of successful-ish.
(10:24):
I mean, I always made enoughmoney, whatever it was.
I did, I as I as I say, Ialways made more money than the
men I was with.
Uh and even with my myalcoholic second brutal husband,
um, we were both on uhunemployment at one point.
My unemployment was higher.
Beverley Glazer (10:47):
That's aiming low.
Dr. Nicki Monti (10:48):
Yeah, that's aiming low, baby.
I mean, he was aiming low.
He was uh he was a low rider, Itell you.
I was I was uh definitely uhgoing for lower companions, as
we call them.
And uh and then I I got thisopportunity to come out to
California, and it really was abrilliant opportunity.
(11:09):
It came out of uh uh uh I wasworking with a psychic teacher
and I was training to beincreasing my intuitive psychic
resources.
And he came out to do aworkshop in California, and uh I
came with him as his right-handperson because I always liked
reflected glory.
(11:30):
You know, I was always, youknow, the teacher's pet
everywhere when it was theteacher's pet until I hit a hit
a wall on that.
And then I was like, what ishappening here?
Why am I not the teacher's petanymore?
Anyway, so I um came out to uhI came out to California and
lived with uh a famous actresswho brought me out here, very
(11:54):
sweet, wonderful woman.
And uh and that started myCalifornia journey.
And of course, there was a maninvolved.
There's always a man involvedfor me, and uh, because that was
gonna fix me.
You know, I'm gonna find theright man, and that's gonna make
me better, though I barely letthem in emotionally.
So I don't know how that wouldhave happened.
(12:15):
But uh, this lovely man, he wasvery spiritual and very, you
know, much, very much a seekerand really opened me up to whole
new realms.
And I've I've always been, I'vehad a seeker soul, you know.
I've always wanted to know howthis can be better and how I can
be better, and why is the worldso odd?
(12:35):
And how is it that I'll neverknow everybody's stories?
And of course I turned into atherapist.
Now I know all the stories.
Since they're only 72.
Beverley Glazer (12:46):
Well, we do.
Dr. Nicki Monti (12:50):
And yeah.
Beverley Glazer (12:51):
Yes So when did you decide, okay, I'm done?
I want to get sober.
Dr. Nicki Monti (12:56):
Yeah.
Well, I was in an acting class.
I was always going to be andlisten to the words, a famous
actress.
It wasn't that, you know, and Italked about the art and I
wanted to heal people throughfilm.
It was just nonsense.
I just wanted everybody to loveme and remember me.
Uh, I didn't know that at thetime.
I started that thinking when Iwas six, you know, or maybe
(13:17):
earlier, you know, it was allabout my mother, really, and my
father.
So um, I was out here inCalifornia and I was in an
acting class, and I had a bestfriend in the acting class, and
we were great drunks together,also, you know, and some drugs
and stuff like that.
And uh one day, uh a couple ofyears into us, no, I was in 79,
(13:42):
so around uh around 81 orsomething, she said, Um, I'm
getting sober, I've gottensober.
And I said, Oh, honey, that isso great.
I am so happy for you.
I just can't imagine I can dothat, but you go, girl, you
know.
So uh she said, you know, Ithink you can do it.
(14:04):
I said, I really think I can't.
Well, we have two differentstories.
I still know her, she's still avery close friend of mine, so
it's all you know, over for 45like years later, right?
And she said, uh, she says thatI begged her to take me to her
12-step program.
I say she dragged me to her12-step program.
(14:26):
And I'm sure, like moststories, somewhere in between is
the truth.
Exactly.
And so I started going, and atfirst I treated it like a church
I had never been to, had neverbeen to church anyway, but uh,
and I went on Sundays, andreally that was that that was
not working for me.
And uh, and then I uh I startedgoing on a daily basis, and you
(14:50):
know, and I was reallyrigorous, and I went sometimes
twice a day through I was youknow, and all of the feelings I
had been running from, all ofthose loneliness feelings and
yearning feelings and furiousfeelings, and you know, the
grief, all the feelings camegushing out, unabated.
(15:14):
I mean, I've always been kindof chatty, you can tell, right?
Always.
And so it there was no, therewere no guardrails, and uh, they
were just out there, and I wasa mess.
And um I had started thisbusiness.
I was always veryentrepreneurial.
(15:35):
My mother was an entrepreneur,my grandmother was an
entrepreneur, I was veryentrepreneurial.
It's one of the great gifts mymother gave me, and uh so I
started this business, and uh itwas a phone sex business, and
this was long before anybody wasdoing anything like that.
I mean, there was no, you know,there were no videos, thank the
(15:58):
Lord.
There were no, you know, therewas no FaceTime.
No, it was just like pick upthe phone that you're connected
to the wall and you're chatting.
And uh it was a great fit forme because I had lots of
freedom.
I loved fantasy and talkingabout fantasy, and very early on
(16:20):
in working in that business, increating this business, which
was very financially lucrativeeven then.
Amazing.
I realized that talking aboutsex or doing fantasy work was
the smallest part of what I didwhen I was on the phone with the
guys.
The big part was hearing abouttheir loneliness, the way their
(16:42):
marriage wasn't working, whatwhat what they you know, where
they were feeling angry, or allthe feelings I was feeling at
the same time, right?
And so a young friend of minesaid, I said, I have this great
idea.
I think I should start a phonetherapy business.
Because then this was soadvanced, I was so beyond, you
(17:07):
know, affronted, right?
Yes.
So I said, because people areare are uh self-conscious about
going to therapy, they don'twant to be then they but they'll
talk on the phone.
And I'm having so manyconversations about this.
And my young friend, she was Ithink 19 or 20 at the time, she
said, you know, that's a greatidea, but you should go back to
(17:29):
school and get a therapylicense.
Because then you can getinvestors, people will take you
more seriously.
I said, Great.
I mean, I didn't want to feelall the feelings, so I just
thought, okay, I'm running thisbusiness, I'll go to school,
I'll go to meetings, I will juststay so busy, I will be a
moving target that my feelingscan't reach.
(17:50):
So I went back to I went backto school.
And I know I just loved it.
And it immediately startedchanging my approach to the
phone business, you know, and Iwas so excited about what I was
learning.
And one day I was sitting in asession, I had a lot to learn,
(18:11):
you know.
I thought I knew a lot, which Ikind of did because of my own
pain and how much therapy I'ddone by then.
Uh, but um I was sitting in asession with this fellow, very
nervous little fellow, was aloafy clinic and all that, and
he was talking about his anxietyand all this, and all of a
sudden I had this wave rushthrough me.
It was my birthday, and a lotof great things have always
(18:35):
happened on my birthday.
So this wave rushed through me,and the wave I heard this inner
voice say, This is what you'resupposed to be doing.
This I shut down my actingsearches, I stopped going to
classes for acting.
(18:56):
I did put away my plans tostart a phone business.
I would be a bazillionaire bynow if I'd done that, but okay.
Now they're doing it.
This year, this you know, twoyears ago, whatever.
And uh, and I just put one footin the uh in front of the
other.
And uh before you noted, I hada business, I had a practice.
Beverley Glazer (19:18):
Yes, incredible.
It was and yeah, and now yeah,now I and now at that point I
was sobered.
Yeah.
And you're still marriedthough.
Now, husband number three.
Dr. Nicki Monti (19:30):
Well, number three came along when I was five
years sober.
So I had those five years ofjust sort of randomly dating and
doing the things we do in earlysobriety, some of which are
continuations of what we didbefore sobriety, because bad
choices don't just disappear.
No, they don't, and self-esteemdoesn't just appear, it takes a
lot of work.
So I had a lot of self-hatred,even you know, especially it was
(19:53):
really grinding on me in thatfirst year.
Beverley Glazer (19:57):
For sure.
And you were with this man forover 30 years.
For over 30 years, and he wasdying of cancer eventually, and
you nursed him through that.
Dr. Nicki Monti (20:08):
I did.
Uh, he was we were about 31years in, and uh, and then we
went into what I uh we had hehad a throat cancer, which we
beat, you know, so that tooklike half a year or something,
and then we had two months off,and we thought we were up and
running, and then he was hitwith all these other cancers.
(20:29):
So we spent a total of about 18months.
Um, and it was an extraordinarytransformative experience for
me.
Not that I didn't kick andscream through a lot of it, it
was right before COVID.
So we had some time beforeCOVID where I was nursing him
and doing all these things.
I nursing, not my thing.
(20:51):
Now I'm I'm an empath.
So you tell me about a surgeryyou had, I get pains that shoot
up my legs and go through mybody.
So for me to learn to flush thefeeding tubes and do the thing
and give the medication and youknow, do all the things that go
go to the ER eight billiontimes.
(21:11):
It was, you know, dreadful.
And but of course, moredreadful for him because he was
a very vibrant, big personalityguy, and he was being
depotentiated on a daily basis.
But you know what, Beverly?
He stayed through the wholething great, much, he was much
(21:32):
better at dying than I was atwatching him die.
He stayed grateful, gracious.
I'm not saying he didn't getgrumpy or but every night.
So eventually I gave in tohaving caregivers because I
couldn't, I was had a business.
I had pivoted, it was nowCOVID.
(21:53):
I had pivoted to doing all mywork on Zoom, which was kind of
new then.
Yeah, it was Zoom.
Before that, I had done alittle bit.
So I mean, it was a great gift.
So I was I closed my big officeand you know, was working out
of the house so I could be rightnear him, but I had to get
caregivers.
I needed caregivers 20 hours aday, right?
(22:14):
So that was a whole new thing.
Here we were, we had livedalone together for all these
years, no children, and suddenlythe house was constantly full.
I called it Monty Abbey.
And uh so uh, but he wasprimarily so gracious, and he
constantly thought he was aboutto jump up and get back into
(22:36):
life.
He had a coloscopy bag.
I mean, it was dreadful.
He couldn't do anything byhimself, but he, you know, he
put him in a wheelchair, pushhim around the block, and he
thought life was just fabulous,and it was all gonna change, and
he was gonna jump off, andeverything was gonna be great.
And I was both annoyed andimpressed.
(22:58):
I was annoyed because it feltlike I needed to carry all the
pain for us both, and that washard.
And uh, but it taught me a lotabout I had worked a lot with
death and dying over the yearswith people, clients.
It's not the same as when it'syour husband, you know, and uh
(23:21):
so but our relationship wasreally the best it's ever been
because I left aside allexpectations.
He was never gonna jump up andbe the man I thought all the
time he should be.
You know, I have a little bitof controlling in me, and uh uh
(23:44):
and I just surrendered to it.
I dropped my expectations and Ikept my gripes to myself.
I eventually got an onlinetherapist, um, but I hadn't done
individual therapy in 35 years,you know, and I got this
fantastic Englishman who isliving in Spain.
I mean, what a world, huh?
(24:05):
What a world! Incredible now.
Incredible.
So incredible.
Beverley Glazer (24:09):
Yeah, and he was perfect for me.
Dr. Nicki Monti (24:12):
And he walked me through it all.
Beverley Glazer (24:14):
Yeah.
And when did you decide, Nikki?
Because he died and he wentright through that.
That now I deserve real love.
Yeah.
Now I deserve that.
Dr. Nicki Monti (24:28):
Now let me say this.
Conrad loved me like no one inthe world has ever been loved,
I'm pretty sure.
I was his everything, which isboth stunning, awful, wonderful,
dread, you know, it's all thethings, right?
All of that.
He loved me and attended to,you know, and focused on my
(24:48):
value like my parents had neverdone.
And I knew I was healing thatpiece throughout the marriage.
I knew that was I gaveeverything.
I was the breadwinner, I wasthe inventor, I was the friend
maker, I was the party giver,whatever.
And he, you know, was his theterrific parts of him.
(25:08):
But however, he wasn't thepartnership, it was not what uh
was not fulfilling, you know.
It was fulfilling in terms ofthat healing piece, which was
I'll always be grateful for.
And he was such an interesting,brilliant man.
And I'll always be grateful,but we didn't have a lot in
common except sobriety andwhatever else I created for us
(25:31):
to have in common.
But I during the uh during thedying, uh, a friend of mine,
wonderful per uh astrologer,said to me, You should keep an
online journal.
You'll need it later.
I didn't know what he meant.
I had no idea, and I don't knowthat he knew what he meant, but
I started doing that, and itwas really good because you get
(25:52):
brain fog when you're sitting inwith doctors and doing this and
that.
You just do it.
Very true.
So I started writing thingsdown, and that began the process
that became my, you know, thedivine traumatic of Nikki Joy,
True Grime Tale, the currentbook that I have just um had
published.
And um also the minute he diedin the dying process, and the
(26:20):
minute he died, I just wrote andwrote, and and I've always I've
been writing since I wasprobably eight or nine.
I wrote and wrote and wrote andwrote.
It saved my life, I reallythink it did.
And I really transformedmyself, and it was only 10 or 10
and a half months or so when Idecided it was time to date
(26:41):
again.
And I thought sometimes I'mgonna have an attitude towards
this, you know.
Well, how so soon?
But I'd been working on myselfall along, and I really felt
ready to open my heart in a wayI never had.
So, what I say is I alwaysthought love.
I could be so good with myclients, compassionate.
(27:02):
I'm a hard teacher, because Itell truth, but you know, loving
as well.
And I could feel that with myclients, but with personal love,
not so much.
I thought it, but I didn'treally feel it in my solar
plexus where one should or can.
And so I started dating.
And you know, there were somelovely people out there.
(27:24):
Everything was the same as ithad always been, really.
I just picked up where I leftoff, except with more
discernment.
But everything and sobriety.
And sobriety, which was adifferent story, and so everyone
was uh, you know, they were uhthey wanted to be uh liked and
(27:45):
appreciated, and they wanted tobrag or not, you know, whatever
they were looking for, andeverybody was horny.
So that was the the overallwhatever we did with that.
So uh, and I have, you know, soI went out with a few nice
guys, and there were a couple ofyou know jerks that I sort of
(28:05):
said, no, thank you.
And um and then I met Tom onHinge.
How is that possible?
How is that even possible?
But I was super honest, onhinge.
I was super honest about who Iwas, and like, you know, no, I'm
not gonna be your workout buddyor your hiking friend.
(28:27):
No, you should live and bewell, go go hike and work out,
not walking up hills with you,and um, you know, just who I am.
Yeah, and we a client of minewho met Tom very early on, so
from the day we met, we were in,and said we were like two, she
(28:53):
described it, and she's notnecessarily very um poetic, but
in this case she was.
She said, You are like twosouls who have been traveling
for eons towards each other andhave come collided together now.
Lovely, and I felt the love inmy solar plexus that I had never
(29:18):
been able to feel because I'dopened my heart and I had
really, I mean, I've beenworking on vulnerability, which
is sort of an oxymoron, but forso so long, and I just gave it
all, and I made choices from thestart to put love first, which
(29:39):
I had never in my life donebecause I was my mother and my
grandmother's daughter and youknow, granddaughter.
Sure, they didn't.
Why should I?
Beverley Glazer (29:48):
Exactly.
Let me ask you you say that umchange is a matter of choice,
and I believe that as well, butyou have More, which happens to
be a platform.
Tell us about it.
Tell us about choices.
Tell us all about that.
Dr. Nicki Monti (30:07):
Well, the it's a little of what so, first of
all, uh Stuck No More comes outof a the book uh my first book,
Stuck in the Story No More.
And uh, and so then my brandbecame Stuck No More.
So the idea is that thing thatI was saying, that I had made
this interpretation of myparents' behavior.
(30:29):
My father left me because I hedidn't care enough to stay.
My mother sent me to boardingschool because I was an
intrusion in the life she wantedto create.
Uh, as opposed to my fatherleft me because he needed to go.
And by the way, he didn't leaveme, he left my mother.
I just was collateral damage.
And my mother sent me awaybecause she did want a
(30:50):
particular life, and it wasimpossible to bring up a little
girl in that life she wanted.
She chose that life over me,that is true.
But my interpretation that itwas all about me was incorrect.
And how I and how I languagedthat to myself was distorted.
(31:11):
Now, of course, I was a littlebitty person.
Of course I made thatassumption.
It's not that I'm an idiot forhaving done that, but then I
built defenses, which is whatstuck in the story no more is
about.
I built all these defenses tokeep my, to validate my original
assumption.
(31:32):
I um I couldn't accept help,you know, because I knew I had
to do it all myself, which isyou know not great for
relationships.
So uh so I couldn't, you know,over time it got worse and
worse.
I couldn't accept help.
I was very um uh I was veryshut down.
I didn't allow my feelings tocome forward.
(31:54):
I was protecting my little babygirl inside her vulnerability,
where the vulnerability livedwith her.
I was protecting that at all,uh, you know, for everything I
was and could be.
What I changed, and what Ithink we all can change, is not
our story.
Our story is our story.
(32:14):
My mother's first word about mewhen she found out I was a girl
instead of a boy was shit.
I that's my birth story.
Okay, that's true.
But what we can change is ourrelationship to the story.
We change our relationship toit.
And everywhere along the way,even with my violent second
(32:37):
husband, I uh I I um siftthrough.
I sifted through and still siftthrough to see what am I
learning here?
What did I learn here?
If you don't learn anything,then you know you're gonna just
keep making the same mistakes.
But we have the choice tochange the road down which we
(33:02):
walk.
I had the choice to get sober.
I work with a lot of addiction.
I'm an addiction specialist,among other things.
And uh people say, you know, itisn't easy.
I say, yeah, I'm aware.
Living life on life's termsawake is not easy, but it's
(33:22):
actually easier than beingasleep through your whole life.
Beverley Glazer (33:25):
And causing pain.
Yeah, it sure is.
Now, Nikki, looking back at allthe trauma, the loss, the
healing, and the resilience.
Just a short sentence.
What do you want our listenersto know after all that life
experience?
The ups, the downs, the ins,the outs.
What would you want them toknow?
Dr. Nicki Monti (33:46):
I want the listeners to know that how
passionate and purposeful anddedicated your life can be is up
to you.
It's not like you hit a certainage and it's over.
Might as well sit on the couchand watch the, you know, watch
all the shows and just bemoanyour fate.
(34:09):
You can change.
You can change if you reallywant to.
We are, I want to be vital tillthe last breath.
That's my intention, and I'dlove it to be your intention
too.
Beverley Glazer (34:24):
Awesome.
Thank you, Nikki.
Dr.
Nikki J.
Monty is a psychotherapist, anauthor, a spiritual mentor
dedicated to helping peoplebreak free from the stories that
keep them stuck.
With over 25 years ofexperience, she blends
psychological insights andintuitive wisdom to guide
(34:44):
clients towards healing andself-worth.
Dr. Nicki Monti (34:49):
40 years of experience.
Beverley Glazer (34:51):
Well, I made that big mistake.
40 years of experience forsure.
That was picked up somewhere.
Anyway, with 40 years ofexperience, and you will find
her on TV shows, much likekeeping up with the Kandashians
and Millionaire Matchmaker.
And through her Stuck No Moreplatform and best-selling books,
(35:13):
she empowers others totransform their pain, to have
long-lasting change.
Here are a few takeaways fromthis episode.
Please don't ignore yourintuition.
Healing begins when you startowning your story.
And getting unstuck starts witha choice.
You have to believe that you'reworthy.
(35:35):
If you've been relating to thisstory, here's some quick
actions that you could do rightnow.
Don't judge yourself harshly.
Compassion is more powerfulthan blame.
Stay open to all forms of love.
When you're open to receive it,the magic happens.
And reach out for connection.
(35:56):
Find a therapist, a coach, asupportive community that
reminds you that you are notalone.
For similar stories on healingfrom pain, check out episodes
145 and 149 of Aging withPurpose and Passion.
And if you like podcasts forolder women, check out Women in
(36:17):
the Middle.
That's the podcast hosted byLife Coach Susie Rosenstein.
And she features guestinterviews, humor, and coaching
advice.
That link will be in the shownotes right here.
And so, Dr.
Nikki, where can people findyou?
Please share your links andwhere they can reach out to you.
Dr. Nicki Monti (36:36):
Well, the thing that covers all the places is
uh if you go towwwstucknomore.com, and if
you're interested in my newbook, which has these stories
I've told, but about a billionmore, because I it's a memoir
that teaches through story, uh,then forward slash uh books.
(36:56):
Uh but the the website willgive it all.
Of course, I'm on Instagram uhat Dr.
Nicki Monty, I am on Facebookat Dr.
Nicki Monty, uh, you know, I'mon all the places.
I'm on everywhere.
I have my own YouTube channel,of course, again, Dr.
Nicki Monty.
And uh I am open and happy toanswer questions if you come on
(37:19):
to Facebook or or Instagram andyou want to DM me, I'm there for
you.
Beverley Glazer (37:25):
Terrific.
And if you didn't get any ofthose links, or even you got a
few, you will find them also onmy site too, and they're also in
the show notes.
My site isreinventimpossible.com.
And so, my friends, what's nextfor you?
Are you just going through themotions or are you living a life
that you truly love?
(37:45):
Get my free guide to help youreboot your confidence, and
that's also in the show notes.
You can connect with me,Beverley Glazer, on all social
media platforms and in mypositive group of women on
Facebook.
That's Women Over50 Rock.
And thank you for listening.
Have you enjoyed thisconversation?
(38:06):
Please subscribe to help usspread the word by dropping a
review and sending it out to afriend.
And remember, you only have onelife, so live it with purpose
and passion.
Announcer (38:25):
Thank you for joining us.
You can connect with Bev on herwebsite,
reinventimpossible.com.
And while you're there, joinour newsletter.
Subscribe so you don't miss anepisode.
Until next time, keep agingwith purpose and passion.
And celebrate life.
Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the
podcast designed to inspire yourgreatness and thrive through
life.
Get ready to conquer yourfears.
Here's your host,psychotherapist, coach, and
empowerment expert, BeverleyGlazer.
Beverley Glazer (00:33):
What if the stories you keep telling
yourself are holding you backfrom the life you deserve?
Welcome to Aging with Purposeand Passion.
I'm Beverley Glazer, atransition coach and catalyst
for women who are ready to raisethe bar in their own lives.
And you can find me onreInventInpossible.com.
Hollywood therapist, Dr.
(00:55):
Nicki Monty, knows thisfirsthand.
From childhood trauma,addiction, loss, and finally
discovering true love, she'stransformed every chapter of her
pain into purpose.
Dr.
Monty has appeared on realityshows like Keeping Up with the
Kardashians, MillionaireMatchmaker, and Love Handles,
(01:18):
and her television, podcastinterviews, and articles have
made her a household name.
Through her Suck No Moreplatform and best-selling books,
Dr.
Nikki empowers others to createlasting and meaningful change.
Welcome, Nikki.
Dr. Nicki Monti (01:39):
It's great to be here with you.
I'm telling you, it was a itwas a journey of its own, wasn't
it?
Always, always.
Beverley Glazer (01:49):
Nikki, you were born in LA, but you went to
boarding school when you werevery, very, very young.
I mean, kids go to boardingschool, seven years old.
That's scary.
Dr. Nicki Monti (02:00):
Yeah, it was scary.
It was scary.
I mean, I wouldn't say I Ideeply remember how scary, but I
I know it was a strangeexperience.
And there you are in your verylittle uh not uh uh within this
last few years, I went for thesecond time.
The first time I went back tosea, it's in OHI, California, so
(02:21):
it's only a few hours from LosAngeles where I live.
And um uh the first time I wastaken up there uh at that point
by a boyfriend, he uh, which ismany, many years ago, he I
couldn't get out of the car.
He thought he'd surprise mewith this trip, right?
I couldn't get out of the car.
And then uh this last time Iwent on purpose, which was in
(02:43):
the last few years with a friendof mine and my my now partner,
and uh I got out, I managed toget out of the car.
But when I looked at how youngthose children were, I realized
how young I was.
And uh there's a there's alittle story in the book about
this fellow uh who turned out tobe the principal.
(03:05):
It was a Sunday, but they weredoing it, it changed very much.
It was mostly day students.
We were not day students, therewere a couple, but we slept
over and stayed over.
And he came up to me uh and us,and he said, uh, uh, and and my
partner Tom said, uh, oh, youknow, she used to go here when
she was a uh a little littlegirl.
(03:25):
And he said, Really?
Oh, and he was clearly notthere when I had started at
seven.
And uh he said, Oh, what do youremember?
And I heard come out of mymouth, which you know, because
I'm very connected to my heartand my feelings.
So sometimes just my insidevoice just comes out, you know.
(03:46):
And I said, What do I remember?
Horses in sadness.
Oh, and he was um uh okay.
Well, look, have a look around.
Beverley Glazer (03:58):
See I didn't know how to deal with that one.
I didn't know what to say, andI don't blame him.
It was, you know, no, no, it'svery, very scary.
But your mom traveled, your momtraveled a lot, she was also an
alcoholic.
How did that affect you?
Dr. Nicki Monti (04:16):
Well, you know, it's interesting.
One of the things about havingbeen in uh boarding school was
in California for two years, andI was in New Jersey for a year,
and then I was in Darien,Connecticut for eight years.
So the whole thing was 11years.
Uh and uh so one thing I andthen I'd be with my mother in
the summers or on you know,Christmas vacation and whatever.
Beverley Glazer (04:38):
Sure.
Dr. Nicki Monti (04:38):
And I realized way after, you know, and of
course, the whole time I wasjust to myself saying, Oh,
they've thrown me away, theydon't want me, which has some
reality to it.
I was an intrusion, and theyand that was that what it was.
It was more convenient.
My mother used to say, Well, Ican do what I do and we can live
well, or we could live in ashack.
And I used to say, Well, let'slet's live in a shack, you know.
(05:00):
So, but um many years later, Irealized what a good deal
boarding school was.
Because had not it been forboarding school, I would have
been with my alcoholic motherand what uh early on became my
alcoholic stepfather.
And uh I would have been withthat all the time.
But what alcohol, what beingbrought up in an alcoholic home
(05:24):
taught me was resilience,vigilance, uh, flexibility, and
um and really uh an abilitywhich I still have to pivot
because you just don't know whatit's gonna be like at any given
time.
Are they gonna be lovey andwonderful uh for 10 minutes?
(05:46):
Are they gonna be likescreaming at each other and
getting totally so drunk theycan't stand up?
You just don't know.
And so uh it it you know, I'mpretty good at ducking and
weaving, I'll tell you that.
And I'm also good at adapting.
Uh, and like I said,resilience.
And also in boarding school,the the the um platform, my my
(06:11):
life of service got establishedthen, which of course I didn't
know then, uh, because I wasmother surrogate and people came
to me with their problems.
And uh I have a picture of meuh probably I'm I I must have
been two or something, and I'msitting, I'm all dressed up,
which obviously I didn't domyself, but still it it it
(06:32):
predicts my being overdressedthroughout my life, which I was.
And uh so I'm all dressed upand I'm sitting on this armless
chair, and I have thisexpression on my face.
And I'm sitting like this, asif I'm looking at a patient.
I mean, again, it looks likeI'm doing you know, two-year-old
(06:53):
therapy to anothertwo-year-old.
Beverley Glazer (06:57):
So very cute.
It's very cute.
Finally, you went off tocollege, and that was by choice,
yeah.
And you wanted to go away, andyou studied communications,
which is always interesting.
Dr. Nicki Monti (07:11):
Which is code for at that time, it was code
for acting.
Beverley Glazer (07:14):
Uh, yes, it's just a big word for that.
And and also addictionscuriousness.
Dr. Nicki Monti (07:21):
Yes, I got a degree in addiction.
It was not they didn't give methe degree.
No, I formed my I made my ownsyllabus.
Like, what will this year beabout?
Beverley Glazer (07:33):
Well, I didn't quite get word, but and and your
first husband was an alcoholic,too to form.
Dr. Nicki Monti (07:40):
So well, actually, I I call my first
husband um uh an uh drug more ofa drug addict.
We were more of druggies, youknow, druggies in the 60s.
And uh my second husband was analcoholic, and my third
husband, the one that was itjust goes on and on.
You know, my name takesforever.
(08:01):
We don't have time in thepodcast for it, but uh the third
husband uh was a recovered, hehad 20 years of sobriety when I
met him.
He was older than me.
And so, but still, uh the ism,as we say, is there, whether
you're drinking or you're notdrinking, you know.
Beverley Glazer (08:18):
Sure.
Why do you think you kept onrepeating that behavior?
Kept on going.
Dr. Nicki Monti (08:23):
That's what we do.
This is the basis of a lot ofwhat I teach.
I look for early patterns and Iand we look together at how
we're perpetuating those earlybeliefs and with through the
patterns we adopt uh and uhcreate.
So my early idea of myself wasclearly, I mean, my my
(08:49):
biological father left when Iwas four, you know, and my
mother was always trying allthose things, and the
alcoholism, which is a notpresent kind of parenting
situation, even if I was thereall the time.
Alcoholism doesn't let you bepresent if you're deeply.
I think it's funny that theycall it practicing.
I'm like, you know, you'reperfect at this, you don't need
to practice anymore.
(09:11):
Yeah, but anyway, so um the uhI watched them, and of course I
was never gonna be an alcoholic.
No, of course not.
Nobody is oh, so I did drugs,you know.
I missed the point.
I started with drugs.
Um, and but uh early on,because of my uh interpretation
(09:38):
of what happened, I decided thatI was a throwaway and that I
would never be enough foranybody to love me.
And based on that, that's thethe foundation that I laid and
that I the you know the the hillI died on, uh, that over and
over again I proved by thechoices I made, by the decisions
(10:03):
I made, uh within myself, bythe way I lived my life.
And it was pretty dark.
Um, and all the time I lookedpretty good.
You know, I had great maskingtalents.
Yeah.
And so I was uh I was able tolook kind of successful-ish.
(10:24):
I mean, I always made enoughmoney, whatever it was.
I did, I as I as I say, Ialways made more money than the
men I was with.
Uh and even with my myalcoholic second brutal husband,
um, we were both on uhunemployment at one point.
My unemployment was higher.
Beverley Glazer (10:47):
That's aiming low.
Dr. Nicki Monti (10:48):
Yeah, that's aiming low, baby.
I mean, he was aiming low.
He was uh he was a low rider, Itell you.
I was I was uh definitely uhgoing for lower companions, as
we call them.
And uh and then I I got thisopportunity to come out to
California, and it really was abrilliant opportunity.
(11:09):
It came out of uh uh uh I wasworking with a psychic teacher
and I was training to beincreasing my intuitive psychic
resources.
And he came out to do aworkshop in California, and uh I
came with him as his right-handperson because I always liked
reflected glory.
(11:30):
You know, I was always, youknow, the teacher's pet
everywhere when it was theteacher's pet until I hit a hit
a wall on that.
And then I was like, what ishappening here?
Why am I not the teacher's petanymore?
Anyway, so I um came out to uhI came out to California and
lived with uh a famous actresswho brought me out here, very
(11:54):
sweet, wonderful woman.
And uh and that started myCalifornia journey.
And of course, there was a maninvolved.
There's always a man involvedfor me, and uh, because that was
gonna fix me.
You know, I'm gonna find theright man, and that's gonna make
me better, though I barely letthem in emotionally.
So I don't know how that wouldhave happened.
(12:15):
But uh, this lovely man, he wasvery spiritual and very, you
know, much, very much a seekerand really opened me up to whole
new realms.
And I've I've always been, I'vehad a seeker soul, you know.
I've always wanted to know howthis can be better and how I can
be better, and why is the worldso odd?
(12:35):
And how is it that I'll neverknow everybody's stories?
And of course I turned into atherapist.
Now I know all the stories.
Since they're only 72.
Beverley Glazer (12:46):
Well, we do.
Dr. Nicki Monti (12:50):
And yeah.
Beverley Glazer (12:51):
Yes So when did you decide, okay, I'm done?
I want to get sober.
Dr. Nicki Monti (12:56):
Yeah.
Well, I was in an acting class.
I was always going to be andlisten to the words, a famous
actress.
It wasn't that, you know, and Italked about the art and I
wanted to heal people throughfilm.
It was just nonsense.
I just wanted everybody to loveme and remember me.
Uh, I didn't know that at thetime.
I started that thinking when Iwas six, you know, or maybe
(13:17):
earlier, you know, it was allabout my mother, really, and my
father.
So um, I was out here inCalifornia and I was in an
acting class, and I had a bestfriend in the acting class, and
we were great drunks together,also, you know, and some drugs
and stuff like that.
And uh one day, uh a couple ofyears into us, no, I was in 79,
(13:42):
so around uh around 81 orsomething, she said, Um, I'm
getting sober, I've gottensober.
And I said, Oh, honey, that isso great.
I am so happy for you.
I just can't imagine I can dothat, but you go, girl, you
know.
So uh she said, you know, Ithink you can do it.
(14:04):
I said, I really think I can't.
Well, we have two differentstories.
I still know her, she's still avery close friend of mine, so
it's all you know, over for 45like years later, right?
And she said, uh, she says thatI begged her to take me to her
12-step program.
I say she dragged me to her12-step program.
(14:26):
And I'm sure, like moststories, somewhere in between is
the truth.
Exactly.
And so I started going, and atfirst I treated it like a church
I had never been to, had neverbeen to church anyway, but uh,
and I went on Sundays, andreally that was that that was
not working for me.
And uh, and then I uh I startedgoing on a daily basis, and you
(14:50):
know, and I was reallyrigorous, and I went sometimes
twice a day through I was youknow, and all of the feelings I
had been running from, all ofthose loneliness feelings and
yearning feelings and furiousfeelings, and you know, the
grief, all the feelings camegushing out, unabated.
(15:14):
I mean, I've always been kindof chatty, you can tell, right?
Always.
And so it there was no, therewere no guardrails, and uh, they
were just out there, and I wasa mess.
And um I had started thisbusiness.
I was always veryentrepreneurial.
(15:35):
My mother was an entrepreneur,my grandmother was an
entrepreneur, I was veryentrepreneurial.
It's one of the great gifts mymother gave me, and uh so I
started this business, and uh itwas a phone sex business, and
this was long before anybody wasdoing anything like that.
I mean, there was no, you know,there were no videos, thank the
(15:58):
Lord.
There were no, you know, therewas no FaceTime.
No, it was just like pick upthe phone that you're connected
to the wall and you're chatting.
And uh it was a great fit forme because I had lots of
freedom.
I loved fantasy and talkingabout fantasy, and very early on
(16:20):
in working in that business, increating this business, which
was very financially lucrativeeven then.
Amazing.
I realized that talking aboutsex or doing fantasy work was
the smallest part of what I didwhen I was on the phone with the
guys.
The big part was hearing abouttheir loneliness, the way their
(16:42):
marriage wasn't working, whatwhat what they you know, where
they were feeling angry, or allthe feelings I was feeling at
the same time, right?
And so a young friend of minesaid, I said, I have this great
idea.
I think I should start a phonetherapy business.
Because then this was soadvanced, I was so beyond, you
(17:07):
know, affronted, right?
Yes.
So I said, because people areare are uh self-conscious about
going to therapy, they don'twant to be then they but they'll
talk on the phone.
And I'm having so manyconversations about this.
And my young friend, she was Ithink 19 or 20 at the time, she
said, you know, that's a greatidea, but you should go back to
(17:29):
school and get a therapylicense.
Because then you can getinvestors, people will take you
more seriously.
I said, Great.
I mean, I didn't want to feelall the feelings, so I just
thought, okay, I'm running thisbusiness, I'll go to school,
I'll go to meetings, I will juststay so busy, I will be a
moving target that my feelingscan't reach.
(17:50):
So I went back to I went backto school.
And I know I just loved it.
And it immediately startedchanging my approach to the
phone business, you know, and Iwas so excited about what I was
learning.
And one day I was sitting in asession, I had a lot to learn,
(18:11):
you know.
I thought I knew a lot, which Ikind of did because of my own
pain and how much therapy I'ddone by then.
Uh, but um I was sitting in asession with this fellow, very
nervous little fellow, was aloafy clinic and all that, and
he was talking about his anxietyand all this, and all of a
sudden I had this wave rushthrough me.
It was my birthday, and a lotof great things have always
(18:35):
happened on my birthday.
So this wave rushed through me,and the wave I heard this inner
voice say, This is what you'resupposed to be doing.
This I shut down my actingsearches, I stopped going to
classes for acting.
(18:56):
I did put away my plans tostart a phone business.
I would be a bazillionaire bynow if I'd done that, but okay.
Now they're doing it.
This year, this you know, twoyears ago, whatever.
And uh, and I just put one footin the uh in front of the
other.
And uh before you noted, I hada business, I had a practice.
Beverley Glazer (19:18):
Yes, incredible.
It was and yeah, and now yeah,now I and now at that point I
was sobered.
Yeah.
And you're still marriedthough.
Now, husband number three.
Dr. Nicki Monti (19:30):
Well, number three came along when I was five
years sober.
So I had those five years ofjust sort of randomly dating and
doing the things we do in earlysobriety, some of which are
continuations of what we didbefore sobriety, because bad
choices don't just disappear.
No, they don't, and self-esteemdoesn't just appear, it takes a
lot of work.
So I had a lot of self-hatred,even you know, especially it was
(19:53):
really grinding on me in thatfirst year.
Beverley Glazer (19:57):
For sure.
And you were with this man forover 30 years.
For over 30 years, and he wasdying of cancer eventually, and
you nursed him through that.
Dr. Nicki Monti (20:08):
I did.
Uh, he was we were about 31years in, and uh, and then we
went into what I uh we had hehad a throat cancer, which we
beat, you know, so that tooklike half a year or something,
and then we had two months off,and we thought we were up and
running, and then he was hitwith all these other cancers.
(20:29):
So we spent a total of about 18months.
Um, and it was an extraordinarytransformative experience for
me.
Not that I didn't kick andscream through a lot of it, it
was right before COVID.
So we had some time beforeCOVID where I was nursing him
and doing all these things.
I nursing, not my thing.
(20:51):
Now I'm I'm an empath.
So you tell me about a surgeryyou had, I get pains that shoot
up my legs and go through mybody.
So for me to learn to flush thefeeding tubes and do the thing
and give the medication and youknow, do all the things that go
go to the ER eight billiontimes.
(21:11):
It was, you know, dreadful.
And but of course, moredreadful for him because he was
a very vibrant, big personalityguy, and he was being
depotentiated on a daily basis.
But you know what, Beverly?
He stayed through the wholething great, much, he was much
(21:32):
better at dying than I was atwatching him die.
He stayed grateful, gracious.
I'm not saying he didn't getgrumpy or but every night.
So eventually I gave in tohaving caregivers because I
couldn't, I was had a business.
I had pivoted, it was nowCOVID.
(21:53):
I had pivoted to doing all mywork on Zoom, which was kind of
new then.
Yeah, it was Zoom.
Before that, I had done alittle bit.
So I mean, it was a great gift.
So I was I closed my big officeand you know, was working out
of the house so I could be rightnear him, but I had to get
caregivers.
I needed caregivers 20 hours aday, right?
(22:14):
So that was a whole new thing.
Here we were, we had livedalone together for all these
years, no children, and suddenlythe house was constantly full.
I called it Monty Abbey.
And uh so uh, but he wasprimarily so gracious, and he
constantly thought he was aboutto jump up and get back into
(22:36):
life.
He had a coloscopy bag.
I mean, it was dreadful.
He couldn't do anything byhimself, but he, you know, he
put him in a wheelchair, pushhim around the block, and he
thought life was just fabulous,and it was all gonna change, and
he was gonna jump off, andeverything was gonna be great.
And I was both annoyed andimpressed.
(22:58):
I was annoyed because it feltlike I needed to carry all the
pain for us both, and that washard.
And uh, but it taught me a lotabout I had worked a lot with
death and dying over the yearswith people, clients.
It's not the same as when it'syour husband, you know, and uh
(23:21):
so but our relationship wasreally the best it's ever been
because I left aside allexpectations.
He was never gonna jump up andbe the man I thought all the
time he should be.
You know, I have a little bitof controlling in me, and uh uh
(23:44):
and I just surrendered to it.
I dropped my expectations and Ikept my gripes to myself.
I eventually got an onlinetherapist, um, but I hadn't done
individual therapy in 35 years,you know, and I got this
fantastic Englishman who isliving in Spain.
I mean, what a world, huh?
(24:05):
What a world! Incredible now.
Incredible.
So incredible.
Beverley Glazer (24:09):
Yeah, and he was perfect for me.
Dr. Nicki Monti (24:12):
And he walked me through it all.
Beverley Glazer (24:14):
Yeah.
And when did you decide, Nikki?
Because he died and he wentright through that.
That now I deserve real love.
Yeah.
Now I deserve that.
Dr. Nicki Monti (24:28):
Now let me say this.
Conrad loved me like no one inthe world has ever been loved,
I'm pretty sure.
I was his everything, which isboth stunning, awful, wonderful,
dread, you know, it's all thethings, right?
All of that.
He loved me and attended to,you know, and focused on my
(24:48):
value like my parents had neverdone.
And I knew I was healing thatpiece throughout the marriage.
I knew that was I gaveeverything.
I was the breadwinner, I wasthe inventor, I was the friend
maker, I was the party giver,whatever.
And he, you know, was his theterrific parts of him.
(25:08):
But however, he wasn't thepartnership, it was not what uh
was not fulfilling, you know.
It was fulfilling in terms ofthat healing piece, which was
I'll always be grateful for.
And he was such an interesting,brilliant man.
And I'll always be grateful,but we didn't have a lot in
common except sobriety andwhatever else I created for us
(25:31):
to have in common.
But I during the uh during thedying, uh, a friend of mine,
wonderful per uh astrologer,said to me, You should keep an
online journal.
You'll need it later.
I didn't know what he meant.
I had no idea, and I don't knowthat he knew what he meant, but
I started doing that, and itwas really good because you get
(25:52):
brain fog when you're sitting inwith doctors and doing this and
that.
You just do it.
Very true.
So I started writing thingsdown, and that began the process
that became my, you know, thedivine traumatic of Nikki Joy,
True Grime Tale, the currentbook that I have just um had
published.
And um also the minute he diedin the dying process, and the
(26:20):
minute he died, I just wrote andwrote, and and I've always I've
been writing since I wasprobably eight or nine.
I wrote and wrote and wrote andwrote.
It saved my life, I reallythink it did.
And I really transformedmyself, and it was only 10 or 10
and a half months or so when Idecided it was time to date
(26:41):
again.
And I thought sometimes I'mgonna have an attitude towards
this, you know.
Well, how so soon?
But I'd been working on myselfall along, and I really felt
ready to open my heart in a wayI never had.
So, what I say is I alwaysthought love.
I could be so good with myclients, compassionate.
(27:02):
I'm a hard teacher, because Itell truth, but you know, loving
as well.
And I could feel that with myclients, but with personal love,
not so much.
I thought it, but I didn'treally feel it in my solar
plexus where one should or can.
And so I started dating.
And you know, there were somelovely people out there.
(27:24):
Everything was the same as ithad always been, really.
I just picked up where I leftoff, except with more
discernment.
But everything and sobriety.
And sobriety, which was adifferent story, and so everyone
was uh, you know, they were uhthey wanted to be uh liked and
(27:45):
appreciated, and they wanted tobrag or not, you know, whatever
they were looking for, andeverybody was horny.
So that was the the overallwhatever we did with that.
So uh, and I have, you know, soI went out with a few nice
guys, and there were a couple ofyou know jerks that I sort of
(28:05):
said, no, thank you.
And um and then I met Tom onHinge.
How is that possible?
How is that even possible?
But I was super honest, onhinge.
I was super honest about who Iwas, and like, you know, no, I'm
not gonna be your workout buddyor your hiking friend.
(28:27):
No, you should live and bewell, go go hike and work out,
not walking up hills with you,and um, you know, just who I am.
Yeah, and we a client of minewho met Tom very early on, so
from the day we met, we were in,and said we were like two, she
(28:53):
described it, and she's notnecessarily very um poetic, but
in this case she was.
She said, You are like twosouls who have been traveling
for eons towards each other andhave come collided together now.
Lovely, and I felt the love inmy solar plexus that I had never
(29:18):
been able to feel because I'dopened my heart and I had
really, I mean, I've beenworking on vulnerability, which
is sort of an oxymoron, but forso so long, and I just gave it
all, and I made choices from thestart to put love first, which
(29:39):
I had never in my life donebecause I was my mother and my
grandmother's daughter and youknow, granddaughter.
Sure, they didn't.
Why should I?
Beverley Glazer (29:48):
Exactly.
Let me ask you you say that umchange is a matter of choice,
and I believe that as well, butyou have More, which happens to
be a platform.
Tell us about it.
Tell us about choices.
Tell us all about that.
Dr. Nicki Monti (30:07):
Well, the it's a little of what so, first of
all, uh Stuck No More comes outof a the book uh my first book,
Stuck in the Story No More.
And uh, and so then my brandbecame Stuck No More.
So the idea is that thing thatI was saying, that I had made
this interpretation of myparents' behavior.
(30:29):
My father left me because I hedidn't care enough to stay.
My mother sent me to boardingschool because I was an
intrusion in the life she wantedto create.
Uh, as opposed to my fatherleft me because he needed to go.
And by the way, he didn't leaveme, he left my mother.
I just was collateral damage.
And my mother sent me awaybecause she did want a
(30:50):
particular life, and it wasimpossible to bring up a little
girl in that life she wanted.
She chose that life over me,that is true.
But my interpretation that itwas all about me was incorrect.
And how I and how I languagedthat to myself was distorted.
(31:11):
Now, of course, I was a littlebitty person.
Of course I made thatassumption.
It's not that I'm an idiot forhaving done that, but then I
built defenses, which is whatstuck in the story no more is
about.
I built all these defenses tokeep my, to validate my original
assumption.
(31:32):
I um I couldn't accept help,you know, because I knew I had
to do it all myself, which isyou know not great for
relationships.
So uh so I couldn't, you know,over time it got worse and
worse.
I couldn't accept help.
I was very um uh I was veryshut down.
I didn't allow my feelings tocome forward.
(31:54):
I was protecting my little babygirl inside her vulnerability,
where the vulnerability livedwith her.
I was protecting that at all,uh, you know, for everything I
was and could be.
What I changed, and what Ithink we all can change, is not
our story.
Our story is our story.
(32:14):
My mother's first word about mewhen she found out I was a girl
instead of a boy was shit.
I that's my birth story.
Okay, that's true.
But what we can change is ourrelationship to the story.
We change our relationship toit.
And everywhere along the way,even with my violent second
(32:37):
husband, I uh I I um siftthrough.
I sifted through and still siftthrough to see what am I
learning here?
What did I learn here?
If you don't learn anything,then you know you're gonna just
keep making the same mistakes.
But we have the choice tochange the road down which we
(33:02):
walk.
I had the choice to get sober.
I work with a lot of addiction.
I'm an addiction specialist,among other things.
And uh people say, you know, itisn't easy.
I say, yeah, I'm aware.
Living life on life's termsawake is not easy, but it's
(33:22):
actually easier than beingasleep through your whole life.
Beverley Glazer (33:25):
And causing pain.
Yeah, it sure is.
Now, Nikki, looking back at allthe trauma, the loss, the
healing, and the resilience.
Just a short sentence.
What do you want our listenersto know after all that life
experience?
The ups, the downs, the ins,the outs.
What would you want them toknow?
Dr. Nicki Monti (33:46):
I want the listeners to know that how
passionate and purposeful anddedicated your life can be is up
to you.
It's not like you hit a certainage and it's over.
Might as well sit on the couchand watch the, you know, watch
all the shows and just bemoanyour fate.
(34:09):
You can change.
You can change if you reallywant to.
We are, I want to be vital tillthe last breath.
That's my intention, and I'dlove it to be your intention
too.
Beverley Glazer (34:24):
Awesome.
Thank you, Nikki.
Dr.
Nikki J.
Monty is a psychotherapist, anauthor, a spiritual mentor
dedicated to helping peoplebreak free from the stories that
keep them stuck.
With over 25 years ofexperience, she blends
psychological insights andintuitive wisdom to guide
(34:44):
clients towards healing andself-worth.
Dr. Nicki Monti (34:49):
40 years of experience.
Beverley Glazer (34:51):
Well, I made that big mistake.
40 years of experience forsure.
That was picked up somewhere.
Anyway, with 40 years ofexperience, and you will find
her on TV shows, much likekeeping up with the Kandashians
and Millionaire Matchmaker.
And through her Stuck No Moreplatform and best-selling books,
(35:13):
she empowers others totransform their pain, to have
long-lasting change.
Here are a few takeaways fromthis episode.
Please don't ignore yourintuition.
Healing begins when you startowning your story.
And getting unstuck starts witha choice.
You have to believe that you'reworthy.
(35:35):
If you've been relating to thisstory, here's some quick
actions that you could do rightnow.
Don't judge yourself harshly.
Compassion is more powerfulthan blame.
Stay open to all forms of love.
When you're open to receive it,the magic happens.
And reach out for connection.
(35:56):
Find a therapist, a coach, asupportive community that
reminds you that you are notalone.
For similar stories on healingfrom pain, check out episodes
145 and 149 of Aging withPurpose and Passion.
And if you like podcasts forolder women, check out Women in
(36:17):
the Middle.
That's the podcast hosted byLife Coach Susie Rosenstein.
And she features guestinterviews, humor, and coaching
advice.
That link will be in the shownotes right here.
And so, Dr.
Nikki, where can people findyou?
Please share your links andwhere they can reach out to you.
Dr. Nicki Monti (36:36):
Well, the thing that covers all the places is
uh if you go towwwstucknomore.com, and if
you're interested in my newbook, which has these stories
I've told, but about a billionmore, because I it's a memoir
that teaches through story, uh,then forward slash uh books.
(36:56):
Uh but the the website willgive it all.
Of course, I'm on Instagram uhat Dr.
Nicki Monty, I am on Facebookat Dr.
Nicki Monty, uh, you know, I'mon all the places.
I'm on everywhere.
I have my own YouTube channel,of course, again, Dr.
Nicki Monty.
And uh I am open and happy toanswer questions if you come on
(37:19):
to Facebook or or Instagram andyou want to DM me, I'm there for
you.
Beverley Glazer (37:25):
Terrific.
And if you didn't get any ofthose links, or even you got a
few, you will find them also onmy site too, and they're also in
the show notes.
My site isreinventimpossible.com.
And so, my friends, what's nextfor you?
Are you just going through themotions or are you living a life
that you truly love?
(37:45):
Get my free guide to help youreboot your confidence, and
that's also in the show notes.
You can connect with me,Beverley Glazer, on all social
media platforms and in mypositive group of women on
Facebook.
That's Women Over50 Rock.
And thank you for listening.
Have you enjoyed thisconversation?
(38:06):
Please subscribe to help usspread the word by dropping a
review and sending it out to afriend.
And remember, you only have onelife, so live it with purpose
and passion.
Announcer (38:25):
Thank you for joining us.
You can connect with Bev on herwebsite,
reinventimpossible.com.
And while you're there, joinour newsletter.
Subscribe so you don't miss anepisode.
Until next time, keep agingwith purpose and passion.
And celebrate life.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Betrayal: Weekly
Betrayal Weekly is back for a brand new season. Every Thursday, Betrayal Weekly shares first-hand accounts of broken trust, shocking deceptions, and the trail of destruction they leave behind. Hosted by Andrea Gunning, this weekly ongoing series digs into real-life stories of betrayal and the aftermath. From stories of double lives to dark discoveries, these are cautionary tales and accounts of resilience against all odds. From the producers of the critically acclaimed Betrayal series, Betrayal Weekly drops new episodes every Thursday. Please join our Substack for additional exclusive content, curated book recommendations and community discussions. Sign up FREE by clicking this link Beyond Betrayal Substack. Join our community dedicated to truth, resilience and healing. Your voice matters! Be a part of our Betrayal journey on Substack. And make sure to check out Seasons 1-4 of Betrayal, along with Betrayal Weekly Season 1.