July 16, 2025 • 31 mins
What if love isn’t enough? One adoptive mom’s truth about trauma, healing, and parenting a child no one prepared her for.
Adoption, trauma-informed parenting, and midlife motherhood collide in this powerful episode with Brighid O’Shaughnessy—licensed social worker, adoptive mom, and longtime mental health advocate. If you’re parenting through trauma, over 40 and navigating adoption, or working with vulnerable families, this conversation is a must.
Brighid shares her story of adopting a toddler from Haiti as a single woman and the unforeseen journey that followed: parenting a child with fetal alcohol exposure, complex trauma, and deep attachment wounds. Her hard-earned insights dismantle the fairy tale of adoption as a simple fix and reveal what true healing takes—for children, families, and systems.
"I have a boat that doesn’t have a bottom," she says, quoting adoptees. "You can pour all the love in… but it still sinks."
That truth drives her mission: to educate, to advocate, and to break the silence around what adoptive families really face.
🎧 In this episode:
- The reality of older adoptive parenting
- What schools and therapists get wrong about adopted children
- The myth of “love heals everything”
- How Brighid’s new book and theater project are reshaping professional training on adoption
This isn’t just about parenting. It’s about telling hard truths, creating better systems and supporting with compassion and clarity.
For similar episodes on reinventing your life over 50 check out stories on healing and trauma check out episodes 127 and 131 of Aging with Purpose and Passion and you may enjoy "Older Women & Friends" with award-winning host Jane Leder. She takes a deep dive into the joys and challenges of being an older woman. "Older Women & Friends" sets the record straight, dispels the myths, and explores the contributions and the wisdom women are anxious to share. janeleder.net.
Please help us spread the word by dropping a review and sharing this story with a friend.
Resources:
Brighid O’Shaughnessy
Website: www.returntotheroots.org Check for upcoming events
FB: https://www.facebook.com/brighid.oshaughnessy
Linked In https://www.linkedin.com/in/brighid-o-shaughnessy-lsw-2617b7/
Beverley Glazer
Website: https://reinventimpossible.com
LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/beverleyglazer/
FB: https://www.facebook.com/beverley.glazer
GROUP: https://www.facebook.com/groups/womenover50rock
https://www.instagram.com/beverleyglazer_reinvention/
🎁 BONUS: Take your first step to clarity, courage and momentum. Your free checklist: → From Stuck to Unstoppable – is here.
https://reinvent-impossible.aweb.page/from-stuck-to-unstoppable
Have feedback or a powerful story that's worth telling? Contact us at info@Reinventimpossible.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the
podcast designed to inspire yourgreatness and thrive through
life.
Get ready to conquer your fears.
Here's your hostpsychotherapist, coach and
empowerment expert, BeverlyGlazer.
Beverley Glazer (00:30):
If you've ever felt overwhelmed or that you've
been carrying more than yourshare.
Well, welcome to Aging withPurpose and Passion.
This is the podcast for womenover 50 who are ready to stop
settling and live life on theirown terms, and each week you
will hear raw conversations,inspiring stories and get
(00:52):
practical tips to help youreignite your own fire.
I'm Beverly Glazer, an expertin reinvention for women who are
ready to stop settling, and youcan find me on
reinventedpossiblecom.
Bridget O'Shaughnessy is alicensed social worker, an
adoptive mom and a documentarytheater artist who gives voice
(01:16):
to the real and raw experiencesbehind adoption, trauma and
Healing.
Through her work in schools andher project Adoption Uncovered,
she helps educators,professionals and communities to
better support adoptivefamilies with empathy, truth and
transformation.
(01:37):
In this powerful episode,bridget will share the realities
of transracial adoption, singlemotherhood and parenting a
child, with trauma From careersacrifices to systems failure.
Bridget has lived it all, sokeep listening and welcome
(01:58):
Bridget.
Thanks, beverly, it's great tobe here.
You grew up in Santa Barbara.
No, you weren't.
Well, I had that information.
Where did you grow up?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (02:11):
No, I actually grew up in the
Chicagoland suburbs.
Beverley Glazer (02:15):
Ah, are you still there?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (02:17):
Now I live in Oak Park.
Beverley Glazer (02:19):
Okay, and so I was next going to ask you and I
hope I'm right were you alwaysinterested in theater?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (02:36):
Yes, that is a for sure.
So from the time I was a littlekid, I loved the arts.
In fact, I think the very firstplay I was in was in first
grade and I was Cinderella and Iremember I wore like the
equivalent of a glass slipperand at one point I had to let it
off my foot and it wentshooting across like the school
elementary school gym, wentright into the piano and it
created this big hilariousmoment.
(02:58):
But yes, it was in my heartfrom the beginning.
Beverley Glazer (03:03):
And you ended up teaching, teaching drama, but
usually you teach drama fordrama on the stage.
You were teaching theater in arehab.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (03:13):
Yeah, so I've taught theater in a wide
range of settings.
I was actually a professionalacting teacher at one point, but
I quickly discovered that,while I loved theater for
theater's sake, I actuallywanted to do theater that
created social change, and so,about 25 years ago, I actually
(03:34):
got connected with a placecalled Thresholds, which is
Illinois' oldest and largestpsychosocial rehab program for
adults with severe mentalillness, and it was there.
It was less that I was teachingtheater and more that I was
giving clients an opportunity totell and perform their own
stories.
Beverley Glazer (03:54):
And you became a social worker.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (03:57):
I did.
Yeah, that took a little bit oftime.
The rehab center was anincredible multi-year experience
, but after that I realized that, while the 20 people we worked
with were incredible, there wereso many other people who would
never have walked into the rehabcenter's doors, who also had
(04:18):
stories.
Members, friends, people thatyou might, you know, meet for a
cup of coffee at Starbucks werealso dealing with depression or
addiction, and so I wanted toexpand it out.
So I actually started and ran anonprofit for about 12 years
that used documentary theater toget people talking about mental
(04:38):
health, and that was before Ibecame a social worker.
Beverley Glazer (04:42):
My goodness.
So you were really drawn tothat profession For sure, yes,
and drawn to trauma once youwere a social worker.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (04:54):
Yeah, I think so.
I hadn't necessarily planned ongoing back to school to become
a social worker.
Part of what led me there,though, was becoming an adoptive
parent, so I realized how muchmy son was struggling and, in
turn, how much we werestruggling as a family, and I
felt like I wanted to deepen myown knowledge base.
(05:16):
I wanted to be able to havemore tools in my toolbox, and so
many things seemed moreaccessible if I actually became
a professional social worker.
Beverley Glazer (05:28):
Did you always want to have a family?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (05:31):
I did, yeah, I.
I remember thinking aboutadoption actually when I was in
high school.
So, yeah, I would have dreams,like actual sleeping dreams,
where I had an adopted child.
I'm not really sure where itcame from.
It's not like I knew a ton ofadoptees growing up.
I knew a couple, but it wouldjust come to me and so I knew at
(05:54):
that point I think that's thepath I'm supposed to go on.
But I didn't adopt until muchlater.
I didn't adopt until I was inmy 30s.
But I knew that I wanted to bea mom.
I've always loved young people,um, and had a special way with
them, even with the nonprofit Idid a lot of work with with
young people and they just madesense to me.
Beverley Glazer (06:15):
So yeah, Well, so to be able to be an adoptive
mom, you have to go through thesystem.
Yeah, and the system can bevery difficult for a single
woman.
Did you find that?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (06:31):
I did.
Yeah, I remember so when Ifirst decided, okay, I'm going
to go forward with adoption, Iremember going to a local agency
and we sat in like the adoptionone-on-one experience, and
during it they said you know,we'll just be really candid with
you.
As a single parent, youroptions are not great.
(06:54):
Um, they're like cause.
Ultimately, birth moms willlikely first choose a dual
parent household you know, manand woman then they'll go to a
lesbian or gay couple and thenyou're sort of last on their
list because you represent insome ways what they feel they
already are right, which is asingle person oftentimes trying
to be a parent.
(07:14):
And so they were like you couldwait four to five years and you
might never get chosen.
And that was really defeating tome at the time.
And I remember thinking, okay,well, I don't know if I could
wait four or five years and thenhave my heart broken because I
never get an opportunity.
I also didn't like that.
It felt almost like a datingprofile.
(07:36):
You were marketing yourself byputting together this book that
you were then selling yourselfto someone.
So that felt uncomfortable.
And so I remember then goingmaybe I am not meant to adopt,
maybe I should try infertilitytreatments, and so I actually
did, to look at the possibilityof a donor.
That didn't work after two orthree times, and I remember
(08:00):
thinking, okay, maybe I'msupposed to go back to what my
initial purpose was, and myinitial purpose was to adopt.
And so that's when I startedlooking at international
adoption, because differentcountries had different, um,
openness to single people andthat's in part how I ended up
adopting from Haiti, becausethey're pretty open to single
(08:20):
parents adopting.
Beverley Glazer (08:22):
Huh.
So did you ever find thehistory of the child?
Was anything screened?
Did you know anything beforeyou adopted from Haiti?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (08:34):
Well, I knew very little and at the time
, as a prospective adoptiveparent, I really didn't know
what questions to ask.
Right, because, number one, Ihad never adopted before.
But there's also languagedifferences, there's cultural
differences, there's medicalsystem differences.
So I was given a very smalllittle packet of information,
(08:56):
probably two or three pages, andreally all they highlighted was
that he was malnourished.
They didn't say anything aboutwhat his first two years of life
were like.
They didn't say anything aboutthe health and wellbeing of his
parents At that time.
It was saying that they didn'thave a known father.
(09:16):
I've come to find out laterthat wasn't actually the case.
So, yeah, there was really nodiscussion about trauma, um, and
I really only found out so manymore of the details when my son
was about eight.
Um, we had a chance to meetsome of his extended birth
family and it was during thattime that they shared things
(09:40):
like that there was domesticviolence in the home, um, that
there was addiction, that my sonwas exposed to alcohol in utero
.
None of that was ever mentioned.
Beverley Glazer (09:53):
So it came as a complete surprise.
Yes, but you brought this childup and now you're living in the
Chicago area.
Yeah, complete culture shock.
Yes, how did you handle it?
You're a single mom and youhave work to do as well, and
here is now a child that doesn'tjust adjust to going into the
(10:16):
school system, to make newfriends, to do anything.
Everything is new.
What went on there?
Walk us through that.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (10:25):
Yeah, I will say.
I mean, there is adoption andthat part is extremely tricky.
But I was also just very illprepared as a single parent.
I had had some friends growingup who were single parents
before I adopted.
I went to single moms meetupgroups, I read books, but
nothing prepared me for goingfrom having complete freedom as
(10:49):
a single person with noresponsibilities outside,
outside of dogs, to overnightwithin 24 hours.
I had a two-year-old who wasmobile, who didn't speak English
.
He had a handful of words inEnglish.
He could say mom and yes and no, but he didn't even have words
(11:10):
in Creole either.
And so all of a sudden, I wasfiguring out what do I feed a
child, right?
What?
What does a sleep schedule looklike?
What do you put in a day bagwhen you're going, you know, to
figure out what you're going todo for the day?
There were just so many things.
I mean, I couldn't leave himalone to go to the bathroom,
(11:32):
right.
I had to bring him into thebathroom with me.
I only could sleep.
Or I tried to work during hisnap time, right, I had to bring
him into the bathroom with me.
I only could sleep.
Or I tried to work during hisnap time right, or I would put
him to bed at six o'clock andthen I would work from six to 12
, right To try to get as muchdone.
Because you know right away Inoticed my son had difficulty
with self-occupying, so hewasn't naturally someone who
(11:55):
could just go into a corner witha bunch of toys and create an
imaginative world.
He was always a very big bodiedkid so and I don't mean like he
was physically big bodied, buthe longed for big body play.
So he wanted to be on a bike,he wanted to be running, he
wanted to be climbing.
He was very naturallyphysically skilled, but that
(12:16):
meant I was on all the time, um,so that was tricky, I think,
just from a single parentingstandpoint.
But then with adoption you know, one way that you're very ill
prepared is you come home andyou get two or three visits from
your social worker but thenafter that they kind of walk
(12:38):
away.
So I didn't know about so manythings, and this was somebody
who had been in mental healthfor 12 years, but not
necessarily infant mental healthand not adoption-based mental
health.
So I found out about ascreening where he could get
free physical therapy, speechtherapy, occupational therapy up
(12:59):
until the time he was three.
I found out that from a womanat the park who I ended up just
getting into a conversation withand she was like oh, by the way
, you could get free speechservices at your house, and so I
actually had someone come forsix months and offer speech
therapy.
But I feel like evenunderstanding how do you apply
to preschool, what preschoolwould be appropriate for a
(13:22):
two-year-old?
Because when you're a parent,from birth on, you have that
first couple of years of lifewhere you're focusing more on
basic things like feeding,sleeping, holding, nurturing.
I was suddenly like, oh my gosh, my son's supposed to start
preschool in a year.
How do I even navigate that?
And with a child who I couldtell pretty quickly had some
(13:46):
emotional regulation challenges,so separation was really
difficult for him.
He wanted to be held quite alot.
When he was upset he would bite, and so that was difficult to
figure out.
Oh, is that because he doesn'thave language or is that because
he can't communicate to me thathe's hungry?
(14:06):
But also, you know, kids agestwo to three are doing things
like having temper tantrums or,you know, doing things like
biting or hitting, when theycan't always communicate their
needs, so it was hard to knowwhat was adoption and what was
just a kid.
Beverley Glazer (14:25):
And as life continued.
Did it get better or did itjust continue?
Um, did you adjust?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (14:41):
Yeah, I mean, I think I adjusted to
parenting right Because it'slike a muscle and so you start
to learn.
Okay, like this is whatnavigating a day looks like.
This is what looking forchildcare looks like.
This is what buildingrelationships with educational
professionals look like.
So I think in some ways, yes,it got easier.
I think where it got harder isthat my son's needs grew
(15:05):
exponentially.
You know, when you're three orfour, parents and other parents
and school professionalsunderstand when your kid has
some level of challenge.
But as they get older and theexpectations grow to sit in a
classroom for seven hours a dayor to participate in
after-school sports or to engagein you know, deeper kinds of
connections with people then westarted to hit different
(15:27):
roadblocks.
Beverley Glazer (15:29):
Okay For parents going through this.
What type of roadblocks did youhit?
Brighid O'Shaughness (15:45):
roadblocks did you hit?
Well, I think there were a lot.
I would say one is that a lotof people do not understand the
complexity of adoption.
So, even though I very quicklysought out services, Even people
that say they're adoptioncompetent usually don't
understand the complex nature ofwhat our kids have to navigate.
(16:05):
But also, most services are anhour.
You can do an hour ofoccupational therapy or an hour
of play therapy, but thatdoesn't really get at the many,
many different needs.
I mean my son had sleep needs,my son had issues with urinary
incontinence, my son had issueswith executive functioning.
(16:28):
All of those things can'treally be navigated in a system
that tries to offer bite-sizedcare.
Right, so that was a bigchallenge.
I think.
Another challenge is, you know,educational professionals are
not really trained on trauma.
Even trauma-sensitive schoolsthat try to be that way
(16:50):
oftentimes are kind of steepedin behaviorism.
So there's a lot of well, thereneeds to be consequences and
the consequences are you lose aprivilege or you get suspended
or you have some sort of talkingto.
I remember even I had forgottenabout this, but when my son was
(17:11):
in kindergarten he was wigglingduring his music class and the
music teacher didn't like that.
He was wiggling during hismusic class and the music
teacher didn't like that he waswiggling and made him stand for
the rest of the class right aslike a punishment for not
following her direction.
And as I've gone on to work inschools as a social worker, I
(17:32):
realize how many schools arejust set up that way they're set
up with.
Even systems like PBIS, whichis supposed to be building
skills, is still sort of carrotand stick right you do what I
say and you get a prize.
You don't do what I say and youdon't get a prize.
And so that was really alsodifficult was trying to navigate
(17:54):
a system's steeped in a lot ofold school ways of doing things
and that tends to parent blamewhen your kid doesn't behave
according to whatever thestandard is.
Beverley Glazer (18:10):
How did you go through all this for yourself?
Where did you get that break?
Because this sounds like 24-7.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (18:18):
Yeah, well, I think a huge piece of it
has been educating myself right.
When I went back and got mydegree at the University of
Chicago, it blew me out of thewater to really learn about the
neuroscience of trauma.
That was stuff that no one hadever really brought up.
I mean, I was the person whowent to every class I could that
(18:41):
the adoption agency offered,and part of it was they maybe
didn't necessarily have accessto that information at that
point in time either, but no onewas talking about the ways in
which the brain, what happens toyou in the first two years of
life, impacts where you go inyour next 18.
And no one was really talkingabout that.
(19:01):
So the more that I learnedabout like Dr Bruce Perry's work
, bessel van der Kolk's work,the more I understood about the
brain body connection.
I think that really opened myeyes to better understand that
so much of what my son wasexperiencing was not willful, it
wasn't purposeful.
It was literally a braininflamed that was trying to
(19:23):
survive.
So that was huge.
I've done so much, whether it'sgoing to classes, going to
workshops.
My house is full of books whereI've tried to learn as much as
I can about what adoptees gothrough.
I've been on so many Facebookgroups.
That's been enormously helpfulbecause I've often found that
(19:44):
parents actually know way morethan the professionals do,
because professionals, whilethey care, it's not their life,
and so they go home at the endof the day and can kind of move
on.
But when you're a parent, itbecomes your passion and your
purpose.
So I've learned so much fromother parents.
That's been enormously helpful.
(20:06):
And then also, I think you know, finding activism, finding a
way to challenge systems throughmy creativity, I think has also
been a big thing.
Beverley Glazer (20:22):
What would you say?
The biggest myths aboutadoption?
Oh wow, Parents that don't know.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (20:29):
Yeah, well, I think one huge adoption
myth is that if you love themenough, that that solves the
problems.
And it doesn't.
A lot of our children havedevelopmental trauma and
reactive attachment issues.
So love actually feels likepoison to them because it feels
(20:51):
like it's going to destroy them.
Because when they loved, evenbefore they could put love like
the word love around it, theywere left with confusion and
loss and disappearance and lackof consistency.
So I think a lot of adoptiveparents believe, oh, if I just
(21:11):
bring a child in and give themall the love I can, that's going
to heal the wounds.
Um, so that's one big myth.
Um, I think another myth isthat services will actually heal
(21:34):
wounds as well.
Right, if I do occupationaltherapy, if I do play therapy,
if I get the right medication,um, and while those things can
help, these are root wounds thatwill never go away.
I've had so many adoptees say Ihave a hole inside and I try to
(21:57):
fill that hole in any way I can.
I've tried to fill it withsubstances, I've tried to fill
it with television, shopping,food, I've tried to fill it with
going in and out ofrelationships, right, all
thinking that that's going toput a bottom to my boat.
But the bottom line is I have aboat that doesn't have a bottom
(22:22):
, and so you can pour all youwant into it, but the boat keeps
sinking.
And so I'm not saying thathealing isn't possible, but I
think there's this sense thathealing is I did it and now
we're fine as opposed torealizing that healing is a
lifelong journey.
(22:43):
And then I think one of the lastmyths also is that this is a
traditional parenting job thatwill end when your child is 18
and you can just let them flyoff into the world.
Um, so many adoptive families Italk to are like no, my child
is 30 and they still live athome.
(23:05):
Or my child is 50 and stillneeds help with their Medicaid
paperwork.
Um, right, this is a parentingrole that is likely a lifetime
parenting role, and you willhave to likely give up family
who don't understand, friendswho you can't relate to.
(23:28):
You will have to give up yourfree time you will have.
This is navigating.
This is like a second and thirdjob.
Beverley Glazer (23:40):
And you're writing a book, yes.
What do you hope your readerswill learn?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (23:46):
Oh well, I'm so excited about this book.
I'm excited about it becauseit's not necessarily a book that
you will find at like a Barnesand Noble.
It's a book that's going intouniversity libraries around the
globe, um in social workdepartments, in um medicine for
people that want to becomephysicians, in disability
studies, in um criminal legalstudies, because a lot of our
(24:07):
kids unfortunately um havecontact with the criminal legal
system because they'remisunderstood.
And so my hope is, with thebook is to better prepare
educators, better prepare socialworkers, better prepared
doctors, so that more and morefamilies get care that's
(24:29):
actually helpful quicker.
So, just as one example, manyadoptees and kids in foster care
were exposed to alcohol andnicotine in utero.
There is still a massive myththat you have to have particular
facial features in order to bediagnosed with FASD, and what
(24:49):
we've discovered now in the lastfive years of research is that
85% of the kids don't have thefacial features, and so they're
getting misdiagnosed with thingslike ADHD and autism and mood
disorders and all sorts ofthings, when they could have
been diagnosed from thebeginning as having a traumatic
brain injury that needs adifferent kind of intervention,
(25:12):
and so if we can get thesestories in front of future
pediatricians.
No pediatrician ever broughtthat up to us.
So if somebody at age two couldhave seen that and been aware
and recognized it, that couldhave changed the trajectory for
my family and a lot of otherfamilies, social workers, who
immediately think, okay, if I doplay therapy, that's going to
(25:37):
address XYZ issue.
I'm hoping that in reading thebook, they'll be able to
acknowledge their own clinicalcapacity, their own clinical
lack of awareness perhaps, andthat they'll be able to say,
okay, there's a lot I don't knowhere and I'm not going to
pretend I do know.
So I'm going to bring in peoplefrom a wide range of fields so
(26:00):
that we can collectivelycollaborate on solutions, and so
that's my hope.
It's.
What's exciting to me about itbeing a cross-disciplinary book
is because one of the things Ido in it is I set out exercises
and activities for these futureprofessionals to do together,
and one of them is to thinkabout how do we think about
lifetime disability?
(26:21):
How do we think about long-termhousing?
How do we think aboutemployment opportunities?
How do we think aboutalternative schooling?
How do we think about respitecare for parents, right?
So this is being done in acomprehensive and holistic way,
with people across disciplinestalking to each other.
Beverley Glazer (26:40):
Wonderful, B righid.
What would you like to leaveour listeners with?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (26:51):
I would say break the silence, share
your story.
I think a lot of adoptivefamilies are afraid to share our
stories because we don't wantjudgment, we don't want blame,
we don't want to feel isolatedand alone, and so we keep things
close to the best.
(27:12):
And so I would say if you're anadoptive family, speak out
center adoptees, center birthparents, because they have
stories too that need to beheard.
I would say if you're not anadoptive family and you're
considering it, please talk tous first so that you understand
what you're stepping into.
And if you're not connected toadoption at all, but this is
(27:36):
just an area of interest for you, I would say believe us, offer
us empathy, give us compassionand come at us with curiosity,
because that's how we'll allywith you and how we can create
some kind of change goingforward.
Beverley Glazer (27:58):
Thank you, you're welcome, thank you.
Thank you, Brighid.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy is alicensed social worker, an
adoptive mom and a documentarytheater artist who gives voice
to the raw experiences behindadoption, trauma and healing.
Her work in schools and in herproject Adoption Uncovered helps
(28:20):
educators, professionals andcommunities to better support
adoptive families with empathy,truth and transformation.
Brighid is currently working ona book chronicling the stories
of adoptive mothers, which willbe placed in university
libraries around the world.
(28:41):
Here are some takeaways fromthis episode.
Adoption isn't a fairy tale.
It's complex and it deservesunderstanding.
Systems don't support trauma.
People do, and you don't haveto be a professional to be
informed and know about trauma.
(29:03):
If you've been relating to thisepisode, here are a few things
you could do for yourself rightnow.
Reach out to someone who getsit.
Talk to a friend.
Talk to a professional or asupport group.
Just talk.
Ask yourself what do you need,even if it's 10 minutes a day of
(29:23):
quiet time, try that.
Say no to something that drainsyou.
You have to be strong too.
For similar episodes on healingtrauma and the arts, check out
episodes 127 and 131 of Agingwith Purpose and Passion.
And if you like podcasts forolder women, check out Older
(29:45):
Women and Friends withaward-winning host Jane Leder,
who is challenging the myths allabout older women, is
challenging the myths all aboutolder women, older women and
friends set the record straightand it explores the
contributions and wisdom thatwomen are anxious to share.
She has her links, which willbe in the show notes and Brighid
(30:09):
, what are your links?
Where can people find youonline?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (30:13):
Sure, the best place to find me is at
wwwreturntotheroots.
org.
That's my website.
It talks about my adoption work, my work in schools and also my
work with women, health andhealing, so that's a great place
to find me, terrific.
Beverley Glazer (30:30):
And Bridget's links are in the show notes and
they're on my site too.
That's reinventimpossible.
com.
And so, my friends, what's nextfor you?
Are you just going through themotions or are you living the
life that you truly love?
Get my free guide to go fromstuck to unstoppable, and that
is also in the show notes below.
(30:52):
You can connect with me,beverly Glazer, on all social
media platforms and in mypositive group of women on
Facebook, women Over 50 Rock.
Thank you for listening.
Have you enjoyed thisconversation?
Please subscribe to help usspread the word and drop us a
review and send it to a friend.
(31:12):
And remember you have only onelife, so live it with purpose
and passion.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Thank you for joining us.
You can connect with Bev on herwebsite, reinventimpossiblecom
and, while you're there, joinour newsletter Subscribe so you
don't miss an episode.
Until next time, keep agingwith purpose and passion and
celebrate life.
Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the
podcast designed to inspire yourgreatness and thrive through
life.
Get ready to conquer your fears.
Here's your hostpsychotherapist, coach and
empowerment expert, BeverlyGlazer.
Beverley Glazer (00:30):
If you've ever felt overwhelmed or that you've
been carrying more than yourshare.
Well, welcome to Aging withPurpose and Passion.
This is the podcast for womenover 50 who are ready to stop
settling and live life on theirown terms, and each week you
will hear raw conversations,inspiring stories and get
(00:52):
practical tips to help youreignite your own fire.
I'm Beverly Glazer, an expertin reinvention for women who are
ready to stop settling, and youcan find me on
reinventedpossiblecom.
Bridget O'Shaughnessy is alicensed social worker, an
adoptive mom and a documentarytheater artist who gives voice
(01:16):
to the real and raw experiencesbehind adoption, trauma and
Healing.
Through her work in schools andher project Adoption Uncovered,
she helps educators,professionals and communities to
better support adoptivefamilies with empathy, truth and
transformation.
(01:37):
In this powerful episode,bridget will share the realities
of transracial adoption, singlemotherhood and parenting a
child, with trauma From careersacrifices to systems failure.
Bridget has lived it all, sokeep listening and welcome
(01:58):
Bridget.
Thanks, beverly, it's great tobe here.
You grew up in Santa Barbara.
No, you weren't.
Well, I had that information.
Where did you grow up?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (02:11):
No, I actually grew up in the
Chicagoland suburbs.
Beverley Glazer (02:15):
Ah, are you still there?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (02:17):
Now I live in Oak Park.
Beverley Glazer (02:19):
Okay, and so I was next going to ask you and I
hope I'm right were you alwaysinterested in theater?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (02:36):
Yes, that is a for sure.
So from the time I was a littlekid, I loved the arts.
In fact, I think the very firstplay I was in was in first
grade and I was Cinderella and Iremember I wore like the
equivalent of a glass slipperand at one point I had to let it
off my foot and it wentshooting across like the school
elementary school gym, wentright into the piano and it
created this big hilariousmoment.
(02:58):
But yes, it was in my heartfrom the beginning.
Beverley Glazer (03:03):
And you ended up teaching, teaching drama, but
usually you teach drama fordrama on the stage.
You were teaching theater in arehab.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (03:13):
Yeah, so I've taught theater in a wide
range of settings.
I was actually a professionalacting teacher at one point, but
I quickly discovered that,while I loved theater for
theater's sake, I actuallywanted to do theater that
created social change, and so,about 25 years ago, I actually
(03:34):
got connected with a placecalled Thresholds, which is
Illinois' oldest and largestpsychosocial rehab program for
adults with severe mentalillness, and it was there.
It was less that I was teachingtheater and more that I was
giving clients an opportunity totell and perform their own
stories.
Beverley Glazer (03:54):
And you became a social worker.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (03:57):
I did.
Yeah, that took a little bit oftime.
The rehab center was anincredible multi-year experience
, but after that I realized that, while the 20 people we worked
with were incredible, there wereso many other people who would
never have walked into the rehabcenter's doors, who also had
(04:18):
stories.
Members, friends, people thatyou might, you know, meet for a
cup of coffee at Starbucks werealso dealing with depression or
addiction, and so I wanted toexpand it out.
So I actually started and ran anonprofit for about 12 years
that used documentary theater toget people talking about mental
(04:38):
health, and that was before Ibecame a social worker.
Beverley Glazer (04:42):
My goodness.
So you were really drawn tothat profession For sure, yes,
and drawn to trauma once youwere a social worker.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (04:54):
Yeah, I think so.
I hadn't necessarily planned ongoing back to school to become
a social worker.
Part of what led me there,though, was becoming an adoptive
parent, so I realized how muchmy son was struggling and, in
turn, how much we werestruggling as a family, and I
felt like I wanted to deepen myown knowledge base.
(05:16):
I wanted to be able to havemore tools in my toolbox, and so
many things seemed moreaccessible if I actually became
a professional social worker.
Beverley Glazer (05:28):
Did you always want to have a family?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (05:31):
I did, yeah, I.
I remember thinking aboutadoption actually when I was in
high school.
So, yeah, I would have dreams,like actual sleeping dreams,
where I had an adopted child.
I'm not really sure where itcame from.
It's not like I knew a ton ofadoptees growing up.
I knew a couple, but it wouldjust come to me and so I knew at
(05:54):
that point I think that's thepath I'm supposed to go on.
But I didn't adopt until muchlater.
I didn't adopt until I was inmy 30s.
But I knew that I wanted to bea mom.
I've always loved young people,um, and had a special way with
them, even with the nonprofit Idid a lot of work with with
young people and they just madesense to me.
Beverley Glazer (06:15):
So yeah, Well, so to be able to be an adoptive
mom, you have to go through thesystem.
Yeah, and the system can bevery difficult for a single
woman.
Did you find that?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (06:31):
I did.
Yeah, I remember so when Ifirst decided, okay, I'm going
to go forward with adoption, Iremember going to a local agency
and we sat in like the adoptionone-on-one experience, and
during it they said you know,we'll just be really candid with
you.
As a single parent, youroptions are not great.
(06:54):
Um, they're like cause.
Ultimately, birth moms willlikely first choose a dual
parent household you know, manand woman then they'll go to a
lesbian or gay couple and thenyou're sort of last on their
list because you represent insome ways what they feel they
already are right, which is asingle person oftentimes trying
to be a parent.
(07:14):
And so they were like you couldwait four to five years and you
might never get chosen.
And that was really defeating tome at the time.
And I remember thinking, okay,well, I don't know if I could
wait four or five years and thenhave my heart broken because I
never get an opportunity.
I also didn't like that.
It felt almost like a datingprofile.
(07:36):
You were marketing yourself byputting together this book that
you were then selling yourselfto someone.
So that felt uncomfortable.
And so I remember then goingmaybe I am not meant to adopt,
maybe I should try infertilitytreatments, and so I actually
did, to look at the possibilityof a donor.
That didn't work after two orthree times, and I remember
(08:00):
thinking, okay, maybe I'msupposed to go back to what my
initial purpose was, and myinitial purpose was to adopt.
And so that's when I startedlooking at international
adoption, because differentcountries had different, um,
openness to single people andthat's in part how I ended up
adopting from Haiti, becausethey're pretty open to single
(08:20):
parents adopting.
Beverley Glazer (08:22):
Huh.
So did you ever find thehistory of the child?
Was anything screened?
Did you know anything beforeyou adopted from Haiti?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (08:34):
Well, I knew very little and at the time
, as a prospective adoptiveparent, I really didn't know
what questions to ask.
Right, because, number one, Ihad never adopted before.
But there's also languagedifferences, there's cultural
differences, there's medicalsystem differences.
So I was given a very smalllittle packet of information,
(08:56):
probably two or three pages, andreally all they highlighted was
that he was malnourished.
They didn't say anything aboutwhat his first two years of life
were like.
They didn't say anything aboutthe health and wellbeing of his
parents At that time.
It was saying that they didn'thave a known father.
(09:16):
I've come to find out laterthat wasn't actually the case.
So, yeah, there was really nodiscussion about trauma, um, and
I really only found out so manymore of the details when my son
was about eight.
Um, we had a chance to meetsome of his extended birth
family and it was during thattime that they shared things
(09:40):
like that there was domesticviolence in the home, um, that
there was addiction, that my sonwas exposed to alcohol in utero
.
None of that was ever mentioned.
Beverley Glazer (09:53):
So it came as a complete surprise.
Yes, but you brought this childup and now you're living in the
Chicago area.
Yeah, complete culture shock.
Yes, how did you handle it?
You're a single mom and youhave work to do as well, and
here is now a child that doesn'tjust adjust to going into the
(10:16):
school system, to make newfriends, to do anything.
Everything is new.
What went on there?
Walk us through that.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (10:25):
Yeah, I will say.
I mean, there is adoption andthat part is extremely tricky.
But I was also just very illprepared as a single parent.
I had had some friends growingup who were single parents
before I adopted.
I went to single moms meetupgroups, I read books, but
nothing prepared me for goingfrom having complete freedom as
(10:49):
a single person with noresponsibilities outside,
outside of dogs, to overnightwithin 24 hours.
I had a two-year-old who wasmobile, who didn't speak English
.
He had a handful of words inEnglish.
He could say mom and yes and no, but he didn't even have words
(11:10):
in Creole either.
And so all of a sudden, I wasfiguring out what do I feed a
child, right?
What?
What does a sleep schedule looklike?
What do you put in a day bagwhen you're going, you know, to
figure out what you're going todo for the day?
There were just so many things.
I mean, I couldn't leave himalone to go to the bathroom,
(11:32):
right.
I had to bring him into thebathroom with me.
I only could sleep.
Or I tried to work during hisnap time, right, I had to bring
him into the bathroom with me.
I only could sleep.
Or I tried to work during hisnap time right, or I would put
him to bed at six o'clock andthen I would work from six to 12
, right To try to get as muchdone.
Because you know right away Inoticed my son had difficulty
with self-occupying, so hewasn't naturally someone who
(11:55):
could just go into a corner witha bunch of toys and create an
imaginative world.
He was always a very big bodiedkid so and I don't mean like he
was physically big bodied, buthe longed for big body play.
So he wanted to be on a bike,he wanted to be running, he
wanted to be climbing.
He was very naturallyphysically skilled, but that
(12:16):
meant I was on all the time, um,so that was tricky, I think,
just from a single parentingstandpoint.
But then with adoption you know, one way that you're very ill
prepared is you come home andyou get two or three visits from
your social worker but thenafter that they kind of walk
(12:38):
away.
So I didn't know about so manythings, and this was somebody
who had been in mental healthfor 12 years, but not
necessarily infant mental healthand not adoption-based mental
health.
So I found out about ascreening where he could get
free physical therapy, speechtherapy, occupational therapy up
(12:59):
until the time he was three.
I found out that from a womanat the park who I ended up just
getting into a conversation withand she was like oh, by the way
, you could get free speechservices at your house, and so I
actually had someone come forsix months and offer speech
therapy.
But I feel like evenunderstanding how do you apply
to preschool, what preschoolwould be appropriate for a
(13:22):
two-year-old?
Because when you're a parent,from birth on, you have that
first couple of years of lifewhere you're focusing more on
basic things like feeding,sleeping, holding, nurturing.
I was suddenly like, oh my gosh, my son's supposed to start
preschool in a year.
How do I even navigate that?
And with a child who I couldtell pretty quickly had some
(13:46):
emotional regulation challenges,so separation was really
difficult for him.
He wanted to be held quite alot.
When he was upset he would bite, and so that was difficult to
figure out.
Oh, is that because he doesn'thave language or is that because
he can't communicate to me thathe's hungry?
(14:06):
But also, you know, kids agestwo to three are doing things
like having temper tantrums or,you know, doing things like
biting or hitting, when theycan't always communicate their
needs, so it was hard to knowwhat was adoption and what was
just a kid.
Beverley Glazer (14:25):
And as life continued.
Did it get better or did itjust continue?
Um, did you adjust?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (14:41):
Yeah, I mean, I think I adjusted to
parenting right Because it'slike a muscle and so you start
to learn.
Okay, like this is whatnavigating a day looks like.
This is what looking forchildcare looks like.
This is what buildingrelationships with educational
professionals look like.
So I think in some ways, yes,it got easier.
I think where it got harder isthat my son's needs grew
(15:05):
exponentially.
You know, when you're three orfour, parents and other parents
and school professionalsunderstand when your kid has
some level of challenge.
But as they get older and theexpectations grow to sit in a
classroom for seven hours a dayor to participate in
after-school sports or to engagein you know, deeper kinds of
connections with people then westarted to hit different
(15:27):
roadblocks.
Beverley Glazer (15:29):
Okay For parents going through this.
What type of roadblocks did youhit?
Brighid O'Shaughness (15:45):
roadblocks did you hit?
Well, I think there were a lot.
I would say one is that a lotof people do not understand the
complexity of adoption.
So, even though I very quicklysought out services, Even people
that say they're adoptioncompetent usually don't
understand the complex nature ofwhat our kids have to navigate.
(16:05):
But also, most services are anhour.
You can do an hour ofoccupational therapy or an hour
of play therapy, but thatdoesn't really get at the many,
many different needs.
I mean my son had sleep needs,my son had issues with urinary
incontinence, my son had issueswith executive functioning.
(16:28):
All of those things can'treally be navigated in a system
that tries to offer bite-sizedcare.
Right, so that was a bigchallenge.
I think.
Another challenge is, you know,educational professionals are
not really trained on trauma.
Even trauma-sensitive schoolsthat try to be that way
(16:50):
oftentimes are kind of steepedin behaviorism.
So there's a lot of well, thereneeds to be consequences and
the consequences are you lose aprivilege or you get suspended
or you have some sort of talkingto.
I remember even I had forgottenabout this, but when my son was
(17:11):
in kindergarten he was wigglingduring his music class and the
music teacher didn't like that.
He was wiggling during hismusic class and the music
teacher didn't like that he waswiggling and made him stand for
the rest of the class right aslike a punishment for not
following her direction.
And as I've gone on to work inschools as a social worker, I
(17:32):
realize how many schools arejust set up that way they're set
up with.
Even systems like PBIS, whichis supposed to be building
skills, is still sort of carrotand stick right you do what I
say and you get a prize.
You don't do what I say and youdon't get a prize.
And so that was really alsodifficult was trying to navigate
(17:54):
a system's steeped in a lot ofold school ways of doing things
and that tends to parent blamewhen your kid doesn't behave
according to whatever thestandard is.
Beverley Glazer (18:10):
How did you go through all this for yourself?
Where did you get that break?
Because this sounds like 24-7.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (18:18):
Yeah, well, I think a huge piece of it
has been educating myself right.
When I went back and got mydegree at the University of
Chicago, it blew me out of thewater to really learn about the
neuroscience of trauma.
That was stuff that no one hadever really brought up.
I mean, I was the person whowent to every class I could that
(18:41):
the adoption agency offered,and part of it was they maybe
didn't necessarily have accessto that information at that
point in time either, but no onewas talking about the ways in
which the brain, what happens toyou in the first two years of
life, impacts where you go inyour next 18.
And no one was really talkingabout that.
(19:01):
So the more that I learnedabout like Dr Bruce Perry's work
, bessel van der Kolk's work,the more I understood about the
brain body connection.
I think that really opened myeyes to better understand that
so much of what my son wasexperiencing was not willful, it
wasn't purposeful.
It was literally a braininflamed that was trying to
(19:23):
survive.
So that was huge.
I've done so much, whether it'sgoing to classes, going to
workshops.
My house is full of books whereI've tried to learn as much as
I can about what adoptees gothrough.
I've been on so many Facebookgroups.
That's been enormously helpfulbecause I've often found that
(19:44):
parents actually know way morethan the professionals do,
because professionals, whilethey care, it's not their life,
and so they go home at the endof the day and can kind of move
on.
But when you're a parent, itbecomes your passion and your
purpose.
So I've learned so much fromother parents.
That's been enormously helpful.
(20:06):
And then also, I think you know, finding activism, finding a
way to challenge systems throughmy creativity, I think has also
been a big thing.
Beverley Glazer (20:22):
What would you say?
The biggest myths aboutadoption?
Oh wow, Parents that don't know.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (20:29):
Yeah, well, I think one huge adoption
myth is that if you love themenough, that that solves the
problems.
And it doesn't.
A lot of our children havedevelopmental trauma and
reactive attachment issues.
So love actually feels likepoison to them because it feels
(20:51):
like it's going to destroy them.
Because when they loved, evenbefore they could put love like
the word love around it, theywere left with confusion and
loss and disappearance and lackof consistency.
So I think a lot of adoptiveparents believe, oh, if I just
(21:11):
bring a child in and give themall the love I can, that's going
to heal the wounds.
Um, so that's one big myth.
Um, I think another myth isthat services will actually heal
(21:34):
wounds as well.
Right, if I do occupationaltherapy, if I do play therapy,
if I get the right medication,um, and while those things can
help, these are root wounds thatwill never go away.
I've had so many adoptees say Ihave a hole inside and I try to
(21:57):
fill that hole in any way I can.
I've tried to fill it withsubstances, I've tried to fill
it with television, shopping,food, I've tried to fill it with
going in and out ofrelationships, right, all
thinking that that's going toput a bottom to my boat.
But the bottom line is I have aboat that doesn't have a bottom
(22:22):
, and so you can pour all youwant into it, but the boat keeps
sinking.
And so I'm not saying thathealing isn't possible, but I
think there's this sense thathealing is I did it and now
we're fine as opposed torealizing that healing is a
lifelong journey.
(22:43):
And then I think one of the lastmyths also is that this is a
traditional parenting job thatwill end when your child is 18
and you can just let them flyoff into the world.
Um, so many adoptive families Italk to are like no, my child
is 30 and they still live athome.
(23:05):
Or my child is 50 and stillneeds help with their Medicaid
paperwork.
Um, right, this is a parentingrole that is likely a lifetime
parenting role, and you willhave to likely give up family
who don't understand, friendswho you can't relate to.
(23:28):
You will have to give up yourfree time you will have.
This is navigating.
This is like a second and thirdjob.
Beverley Glazer (23:40):
And you're writing a book, yes.
What do you hope your readerswill learn?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (23:46):
Oh well, I'm so excited about this book.
I'm excited about it becauseit's not necessarily a book that
you will find at like a Barnesand Noble.
It's a book that's going intouniversity libraries around the
globe, um in social workdepartments, in um medicine for
people that want to becomephysicians, in disability
studies, in um criminal legalstudies, because a lot of our
(24:07):
kids unfortunately um havecontact with the criminal legal
system because they'remisunderstood.
And so my hope is, with thebook is to better prepare
educators, better prepare socialworkers, better prepared
doctors, so that more and morefamilies get care that's
(24:29):
actually helpful quicker.
So, just as one example, manyadoptees and kids in foster care
were exposed to alcohol andnicotine in utero.
There is still a massive myththat you have to have particular
facial features in order to bediagnosed with FASD, and what
(24:49):
we've discovered now in the lastfive years of research is that
85% of the kids don't have thefacial features, and so they're
getting misdiagnosed with thingslike ADHD and autism and mood
disorders and all sorts ofthings, when they could have
been diagnosed from thebeginning as having a traumatic
brain injury that needs adifferent kind of intervention,
(25:12):
and so if we can get thesestories in front of future
pediatricians.
No pediatrician ever broughtthat up to us.
So if somebody at age two couldhave seen that and been aware
and recognized it, that couldhave changed the trajectory for
my family and a lot of otherfamilies, social workers, who
immediately think, okay, if I doplay therapy, that's going to
(25:37):
address XYZ issue.
I'm hoping that in reading thebook, they'll be able to
acknowledge their own clinicalcapacity, their own clinical
lack of awareness perhaps, andthat they'll be able to say,
okay, there's a lot I don't knowhere and I'm not going to
pretend I do know.
So I'm going to bring in peoplefrom a wide range of fields so
(26:00):
that we can collectivelycollaborate on solutions, and so
that's my hope.
It's.
What's exciting to me about itbeing a cross-disciplinary book
is because one of the things Ido in it is I set out exercises
and activities for these futureprofessionals to do together,
and one of them is to thinkabout how do we think about
lifetime disability?
(26:21):
How do we think about long-termhousing?
How do we think aboutemployment opportunities?
How do we think aboutalternative schooling?
How do we think about respitecare for parents, right?
So this is being done in acomprehensive and holistic way,
with people across disciplinestalking to each other.
Beverley Glazer (26:40):
Wonderful, B righid.
What would you like to leaveour listeners with?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (26:51):
I would say break the silence, share
your story.
I think a lot of adoptivefamilies are afraid to share our
stories because we don't wantjudgment, we don't want blame,
we don't want to feel isolatedand alone, and so we keep things
close to the best.
(27:12):
And so I would say if you're anadoptive family, speak out
center adoptees, center birthparents, because they have
stories too that need to beheard.
I would say if you're not anadoptive family and you're
considering it, please talk tous first so that you understand
what you're stepping into.
And if you're not connected toadoption at all, but this is
(27:36):
just an area of interest for you, I would say believe us, offer
us empathy, give us compassionand come at us with curiosity,
because that's how we'll allywith you and how we can create
some kind of change goingforward.
Beverley Glazer (27:58):
Thank you, you're welcome, thank you.
Thank you, Brighid.
Brighid O'Shaughnessy is alicensed social worker, an
adoptive mom and a documentarytheater artist who gives voice
to the raw experiences behindadoption, trauma and healing.
Her work in schools and in herproject Adoption Uncovered helps
(28:20):
educators, professionals andcommunities to better support
adoptive families with empathy,truth and transformation.
Brighid is currently working ona book chronicling the stories
of adoptive mothers, which willbe placed in university
libraries around the world.
(28:41):
Here are some takeaways fromthis episode.
Adoption isn't a fairy tale.
It's complex and it deservesunderstanding.
Systems don't support trauma.
People do, and you don't haveto be a professional to be
informed and know about trauma.
(29:03):
If you've been relating to thisepisode, here are a few things
you could do for yourself rightnow.
Reach out to someone who getsit.
Talk to a friend.
Talk to a professional or asupport group.
Just talk.
Ask yourself what do you need,even if it's 10 minutes a day of
(29:23):
quiet time, try that.
Say no to something that drainsyou.
You have to be strong too.
For similar episodes on healingtrauma and the arts, check out
episodes 127 and 131 of Agingwith Purpose and Passion.
And if you like podcasts forolder women, check out Older
(29:45):
Women and Friends withaward-winning host Jane Leder,
who is challenging the myths allabout older women, is
challenging the myths all aboutolder women, older women and
friends set the record straightand it explores the
contributions and wisdom thatwomen are anxious to share.
She has her links, which willbe in the show notes and Brighid
(30:09):
, what are your links?
Where can people find youonline?
Brighid O'Shaughnessy (30:13):
Sure, the best place to find me is at
wwwreturntotheroots.
org.
That's my website.
It talks about my adoption work, my work in schools and also my
work with women, health andhealing, so that's a great place
to find me, terrific.
Beverley Glazer (30:30):
And Bridget's links are in the show notes and
they're on my site too.
That's reinventimpossible.
com.
And so, my friends, what's nextfor you?
Are you just going through themotions or are you living the
life that you truly love?
Get my free guide to go fromstuck to unstoppable, and that
is also in the show notes below.
(30:52):
You can connect with me,beverly Glazer, on all social
media platforms and in mypositive group of women on
Facebook, women Over 50 Rock.
Thank you for listening.
Have you enjoyed thisconversation?
Please subscribe to help usspread the word and drop us a
review and send it to a friend.
(31:12):
And remember you have only onelife, so live it with purpose
and passion.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Thank you for joining us.
You can connect with Bev on herwebsite, reinventimpossiblecom
and, while you're there, joinour newsletter Subscribe so you
don't miss an episode.
Until next time, keep agingwith purpose and passion and
celebrate life.
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