May 4, 2024 • 45 mins
In this inspiring episode of Answers Network, join us as Christiana Cioffi, a decorated combat veteran and empowerment ambassador, shares powerful lessons from her book "An Unapologetic Spinster."
Discover how embracing solitude can lead to profound self-love and personal fulfillment. Christiana combines her military background with her life experiences to challenge societal norms about being single and provides entertaining yet profound insights into finding joy and contentment within oneself.
Whether you're single or simply looking to deepen your self-appreciation, this episode will equip you with the tools to celebrate your individuality and unlock your authentic self in every aspect of life.
Discover how embracing solitude can lead to profound self-love and personal fulfillment. Christiana combines her military background with her life experiences to challenge societal norms about being single and provides entertaining yet profound insights into finding joy and contentment within oneself.
Whether you're single or simply looking to deepen your self-appreciation, this episode will equip you with the tools to celebrate your individuality and unlock your authentic self in every aspect of life.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:06):
Thank you for joining us, andwelcome to another edition of Answers Network.
I'm your host, Alan Cardoza.Now, today we're going to celebrate women,
and what better way to start thanwith a woman who passionately shares insights
and inspiration, empowering women to unlocktheir authentic selves in business and in life.
(00:29):
Now, Christiana Chaffey is a seasonedleader with a rich background in the
United States Army and the biotech industry. She has recently embarked on a transformation
career that is a journey in regardsto as an empowerment ambassador, I think
(00:49):
is the best way to put it. She's also a speaker, and she's
now an author of her new bookand Unapologetic Spinster. Christiana's dynamic journey started
as the United States Military Academy atWest Point and followed by five years serving
as an officer in the US Armywith two years deployment in Iraq. Now,
(01:11):
as a decorated compact veteran, shehas been awarded the Bronze Star Combat
Action Badge and an Army Accommodation Medal. Now, as a breast cancer survivor,
she also embodies resilience, a tradeevident in both her personal and professional
(01:33):
pursuits. Her love for challenges extendsbeyond the boardroom, though, because manifesting
herself as an avid runner of distancesup to fifty miles and a scuba diving
enthusiast. Now you can contact Youcan contact Christiana on LinkedIn, or you
can visit her website, which we'regoing to put in the show notes.
(01:53):
So don't worry. And if you'redriving out there, don't worry. Everything
will be out there for you.Soanna, welcome to Answers Network. Thank
you so much for having me Alanpleasure to be here. Well, as
we were discussing a little bit aheadof time, is that, you know,
I put together some questions and there'sa lot of things that I really
(02:13):
like about the book and the waythat you've put it together. But I
got so many interesting questions that weresending to us ahead of time. I
kind of want to start with someof those. So one of which I
thought was quite interesting, and thisone reads after more bad dates than I
can admit to, I started ablog with some of my friends from college,
(02:37):
and I found that I wasn't alone. What inspired you to start blogging
about your dating experiences and then turnthem into a book. And this is
from Rita in Dallas, Texas.Well, I love that question. Thank
you to Rita for sending that in. Well for me, I mean,
we must be very similar because that'sexactly what I started to do was write
(02:58):
a blog when I felt that Iwas having these dead end dates and it
just felt like I was on ahamster wheel and there just didn't seem to
be much positivity in it. Butmy writing a blog, which was a
couple of years ago, because Iturned it into a book, writing the
blog was what actually helped me changemy perspective. Putting words to paper was
(03:20):
allowing me the opportunity to almost rewritemy perspective and how I was seeing these
dates. So where I had goneon, you know, I've gone on
a couple hundred first dates, andthat's a lot. I think that there
is also an opportunity for each individualdate to see good that comes out of
it, you know, an opportunityto go somewhere different, meet somebody new,
(03:40):
learn something different, and through that, you know, what some people
would call unfortunate or awkward moments happened. I tried to find the humor in
them. So I used my humorin a written form to bring out a
different, positive perspective. And asI did that, I actually was changing
as a person. I ended upchanging jobs and right, you know after
(04:03):
I started my blog a couple monthsinto it. But my very you know,
secret network of blog readers, theyloved it and they kept asking give
me more, give me more.But I'm I was a marketer at the
time. I'd been a marketer fortwelve years after my military career. So
I you know, I used mybook writing a book as something that was
(04:24):
another creative yet a different level ofwriting. So if you're loving your blog,
I would encourage you to consider writingwriting a book and putting it out
there for even more people to read. Well. And again, when this
came in, and because obviously Iknow that the book is set up that
way, I just thought it wasa perfect way to start. Now for
(04:46):
those people that haven't had a chanceto read the book, like I have,
share a little bit about the bookthe way that you have it set
up. Again, some of thethings that I like is the fact that
you not only feel like you're you'regetting some insight. Well, let me
put it this way, as aguy. I felt like I was getting
a little bit of insight into thewoman's playbook. That's quite possibly true.
(05:12):
I'm just one woman, so myperspective may not encompass everybody's, but there's
definitely I think, you know,we're talking with my girlfriends who are going
through dating experiences too. I thinkI do capture a lot of relatable perspectives
from from women out there dating.So yeah, I think that the book
is very different than what else isout there. If you go on Amazon
and you look for dating books,and I encourage your your listeners and your
(05:36):
viewers to not do this. Don'tgo pick up another dating advice book that
says how to text the guy orhow to you know, how to flirt
with somebody. I think those areadvice books that are helping, you know,
teach you to be somebody that youknow that society thinks you're supposed to
be. But that's not really whatit's about. So I created my book
(05:58):
to kind of take me, takeyou through. It's not too it's generally
sequential, but it's not written totallysequentially. Each chapter is its own dating
experience, and it just takes youthrough my journey as I'm having all of
these different yet relatable experiences. Soit's not a dating advice book. It
is definitely more about you know.I describe it as a mix of sex
(06:19):
and the City and eat Prey Love. I've seen both of them, so
yeah, and I and I wouldsay the same thing that you know that
if you envision the difference between youknow, a dating advice book is you're
in a It's like you're in aclassroom and there's somebody the head of the
(06:40):
class that's saying, do this,do this, do this as opposed to
going here are some experiences that youmight be able to relate to. And
by the way, sometimes they're reallyfunny. Well, and you know in
that, you know, writing ofthe stories, part of part of my
chapters were written during COVID, andI did a little bit of an experiment.
I you know, you couldn't goto bars. I was living in
(07:02):
Boston at the time. The barswere completely shut down, so we had
to be creative when we went outon dates, and that was usually walking
around the city, which I alsothought was a great way to explore the
city because I didn't grow up inBoston, and so I did an experiment
with you know, how much,how much can I get away with without
wearing makeup or doing my hair ormaybe I'm even going on a walking date,
(07:25):
literally wearing workout gear. And Ifound that it didn't matter what I
look like, what I wore,how much makeup I had on. It
was really about who I was whenI showed up as a person. How
did I engage with that individual?Did they feel welcome with me in my
presence? Did did I listen tothem? Did I engage with them?
(07:45):
Did I ask them questions? Andthat to me, you know, is
really one of the big parts ofhaving a successful date. And you don't
hear that in dating apps, excuseme, in the dating books, you
don't. You don't read that it'sabout being somebody else, But really you
just need to be you and bea genuine version of you that cares enough
to spend time with somebody for thirtyminutes, an hour, whatever, however
(08:07):
long that date lasts well. Andbefore I go into some of the other
questions, I would love for youto share one of the experiences, because
again, as I scanned through someof them, I found some of them
to be educational, but in somecases quite humorous. Well, one of
(08:30):
my favorites was meeting Bigfoot, andI went on a date a couple of
days. Actually for a few weeks, I dated Bigfoot. So what happened
was I love to run, asyou mentioned in the intro, and I
was doing a forty mile race andit was in the woods and it was
a looped course. So we weredoing the looped course ten miles four times
each, which sounds crazy, buthonestly, it was actually quite enjoyable.
(08:52):
I was going very slow, bythe way, So during that race,
out of nowhere, Bigfoot comes runningdown the trail towards me, and at
first I was like, what isthat and it was scary, but then
I realized it was just a personin a Bigfoot costume. And when it
became apparent they were not there toharm me and I was not in any
(09:15):
danger. It was actually quite funnybecause I realized that the race directors had
put that on for this person torun opposite to us on the course and
kind of just bring some levity towhat would be, you know, an
all day running event. And soI write in my book in one of
the chapters about how I came acrossBigfoot a couple miles later, and I
(09:37):
scared Bigfoot, so it was alittle bit of karma happening. But you
know, we ended up talking,and you know, I took a break
because I wasn't, you know,a serious competitor on the in the race.
We and we ended up meeting afterthe race and dating for a little
bit. So it's just an exampleof you never know where you're going to
be and who you're going to bumpinto. But if you're enjoying yourself and
(09:58):
having fun doing whatever it is you'redoing, even if it's crazy like running
in the woods for an entire day, you never know what's going to happen.
And that was probably one of thebest ways I've met somebody that I've
dated. I think it's hilarious.And how many people can say that the
Bigfoot, I don't know. Maybebig maybe he does that. Maybe that's
(10:22):
his thing, right, maybe that'show you picked up women. So there
could be other people that have metthat Bigfoot. But well there's somehow,
there's there's another meeting group there somewhere, Yes, put something out. How
many of you can say, well, so there's another Oh okay, so
(10:45):
now this one this one comes in. This one reads, and again I
want to thank those that take thetime to do this. I know many
people work in the middle of theday, so to send in the questions
ahead of time, I think iswonderful. This one reads, I'm a
forty two year divorced woman currently livingalone while my only child has moved away
to college. I have single girlfriendswho have looked for dates online and or
(11:09):
in bars. This doesn't sound appealingto me right now. What advice would
you give to me and other singlewomen who are looking for love and happiness
but doing so on their own terms? And this is from Bonnie in Portland,
Oregon. Well, Bonnie, I'mforty one, almost forty two,
so I'm right there with you,and kudos to you for, you know,
(11:30):
having a marriage and not working outand then getting back out there,
because there's so many people that justkind of give up, whether it's a
marriage, and for me, itwas a ten year relationship that was failed
at the age of thirty six,and so I went out there and was
trying to figure this out. Sothe question you're asking is really very relevant
to anybody who's getting into the datingworld when they haven't seen or experienced maybe
(11:52):
much of the dating apps and thismodern way of dating. So you know,
my advice to you is, don'tdo something that doesn't you know,
sound fun to you. Right,So either if something is of interest,
then maybe you can grow to enjoyit more. But if online dating or
date going on dating apps is ifyou if you have no interest in trying
(12:13):
it, then I would say maybedon't try it now, try other things.
You know, I have tried itall. I've you know, I
just heard heard the story about mebeing out in the woods meeting somebody.
But I've tried to pick you know, attention, not pick people up,
but meet people, just meet people, make eye contacts, see if there
is chemistry in person. Really anywhereI go, and you know, the
(12:35):
bar would be one of them.But I do think the challenge of today's
society is a lot of people relyon the dating apps. So if they're
not using, if they're not ifyou're not on a dating app, then
they're never going to look at youtwice because they're only finding dates through dating
apps. And I don't know whythat is, that's just how some people
are. Me personally, I amnot on any dating apps because I did
(12:58):
a whole lot of that, andI just didn't find it to be a
good use of my time, myenergy, or my money, and so
I decided to do more organic,you know, meeting people out and about.
So my advice if you're not goingto look at dating apps anytime soon,
and you're not having any success justbeing out with your girlfriends at a
bar, then figure out what elseis of interest to you, right,
(13:22):
you know, do you do youlike to cook? You know, do
you want to go to cooking classes? Maybe meet people there? For me,
you know, scuba diving was areally it's a community, and so
I picked up scuba diving to meetother people. And also it tends to
be more male dominated in the inthe people that do scuba diving. So
I thought my odds were fairly good. Yes, So I was marrying up
(13:46):
what are my interests and where willother people be? And I would look
at kind of hobbies and expand yourselfso you're not relying on just your girlfriends
and you can do things. Youknow, with your only child out of
the house, what can you dofor you? And that's that to me,
is the best bet to meet somebodywho then is going to have similar
interest to you. Well, Ilike that, and Bonnie to add to
(14:09):
that, you know, if youif you're somebody who likes running and you
join a running group, you mightmeet Bigfoot too. So there's lots of
possibilities out there, how true.But you know, I like that where
it's it talks about, you know, figure out what it is that you
like. And I think that's goingto be the first, you know,
(14:31):
the first thing that makes sense.So one of the questions that you know
that I wanted to bring up becauseand I'm in my sixties. So the
idea of the word spinster being usedin the title was intriguing to me.
So what inspired you to, uh, to put that title, you know,
(14:52):
the the Unapologetic Spinster? What madeyou? What drew you to the
fact of using this and you know, and and how does that kind of
fit? How did you feel thatfit best with the book? So I
came up with the title soon afterI started writing it, and it just
(15:13):
kind of hit me because I'm youknow, I am a pretty confident person.
I haven't always been confident, butI've you know, through my journey,
and I think dating has been abig part of that. I've learned
to appreciate myself more and become moreconfident and with certain you know confidence,
there's this unapologetic aspect of it.It's me being me and it's not meaning
(15:35):
that I'm arrogant or I'm putting youknow, you know, forcing myself on
anybody in my personality. It isme being me and not worrying about what
other people think. And so thatwas a big theme of my book,
is you know, finding love andwhat love means to me and the type
of person that I'm looking for,so being unapologetic about that. And then
(15:56):
the spinster part, it's really apoke at society. Now, spinster is
clearly an antiquated word. It isnot used in today's society, but it
is I think that the idea ofa spinster does still apply in today's society.
So if you think about a manwho's you know, turning forty and
he's never been married, he's youknow, a bachelor, and some might
(16:19):
think, oh, he's been focusedon his career. Now he's going to
meet somebody wonderful and now now's thetime for him to have a kid.
I was approaching forty, never married, and I had a lot of people
asking me what's wrong with you?Why haven't you met somebody? And so
that's kind of a you know what, I am a spinster if you want
to use that antiquated word. Iuse it in jest, but it's kind
(16:41):
of like, I don't care whatsociety thinks about me and where I should
be. I'm right where I'm supposedto be, and honestly, I'm really
loving life and I'm unapologetic about whoI am and where I am. Ye,
And one of the visions that Ihad when I looked at the name
and I thought, I wonder ifher mother or her favorite aunt or someone
you know, said, honey,do you really know what this this world
(17:03):
means? So I think that's great. Now, what you just talked about
has to do with kind of society'simportance, you know, or the emphasis
on relationships, and which I thinkit's it's worldwide. I think it's more
than just a h a US oran American thing. So why do you
(17:25):
think that you know, it's thatit's kind of crucial to kind of challenge
this notion you know that that beingalone equates to loneliness. How did we
get to this point? I guessI'm glad that you're challenging it, but
how do we get to this point? Is this been a marketing scheme all
along that if you don't do this, you know, you're just going to
(17:47):
be lonely? And I love thefact that you're challenging that. Yeah.
Well, so, I think whatyou're talking about is the difference between alone,
being alone and being lonely, andthat is I think there is definitely
a difference there. I think itstems from, you know, similar to
what we just talked about. Ithink it stems from just society and how
(18:07):
you know, men or women,if you're if you're single, people assume
that you are lonely. But there'salso an aspect of it where I think
a lot of people that are sayingthat or thinking that are in perhaps relationships
themselves, and then they're kind ofprojecting onto other people like why why aren't
you in a relationship? And Idon't want to pass judgment. I mean,
(18:30):
my journey is my journey, butI do try to find compassion and
empathy for people who assume that Iam lonely. And what I've found is
that, you know, I thinkthat they maybe if they were in my
shoes would be lonely. And soI mean that makes me a little sad
because I don't I don't want anybodyto feel when they're not in a relationship,
(18:51):
that they are alone, that theyare lonely. Yes, you're alone
because you're not in a relationship,but you don't have to be sad or
you know, fearful of being byyourself, or any other negative emotion that
people you know associate with loneliness.And the other thing I'd say is even
when people are in a relationship,it doesn't mean that they're feeling fulfilled,
(19:14):
and it doesn't mean that they feellike they have a true companion. And
I think we all know people thatare in relationships, whether married or not,
that are just kind of on twoseparate paths or coexisting. And I
mean I was in a relationship thatwent on for way too long, and
you know it's I was lonely.I was lonely in that relationship, with
(19:34):
more lonely in that relationship than Ihave been on my dating journey. And
at some points I was very lonely, you know, dating, But I
learned how to change that perspective andso now I'm alone, but I'm very
very happy, and I'm very fulfilledwith what's in my life. So we
need to stop assuming just because somebody'snot in a relationship that they are lonely.
(20:00):
We're speaking with Christiana Choffee and herbook is The Unapologetic Spinster, and
if you're wondering what that is,stay with us. We're going to talk
more about it. And in fact, Christiana, I'd like to talk a
little bit about the concept of notsettling. So I think that's another another
issue that many people get caught upin. So Christiana, let's let's talk
(20:25):
a little bit about settling. Obviouslyin what you're doing as you're dating,
and as you said, you knowyou've had a whole lot of first dates.
Let's talk about settling where other peoplemaybe are settling, and and you
are of the belief that there's noneed to. Yeah, well, I
think settling is, by definition,right, is deciding to compromise what it
(20:52):
is you maybe really want or needand taking something lesser, not to that
people are lesser, but meaning likethe fit is lesser than what you would
ideally want. And I think somethingso important as love and who we choose
to be in a long term,you know, lifelong partnership with for those
(21:14):
who want to be in a lifelongpartnership, I mean, I think it's
so important to carefully choose and notsettle, so not say, you know
what, I've been at this gamefor so long and I just can't meet
the I just don't feel that connectionthat I've always hoped for. So I'm
just going to see what good enoughcan come along and then just you know,
(21:34):
commit to them. I just Imean, to each their own.
But for me, I am astrong believer, especially have having been in
a ten year relationship that wasn't theright fit, that was settling that I'm
never going to settle again. AndI think that comes also with the confidence
of being alone, right, Andso we just talked about the difference between
(21:56):
being alone and lonely and loneliness.So if I'm not looking for somebody to
fill some gap of who I amor bring you know, wait for a
relationship in order to feel happy.If I'm finding happiness living my life as
I want to live my life,well then there's no need to settle.
Then I can still dream big.It's it's no different than you know,
(22:18):
feeling like you need to settle forthe dream job that you want. Right,
you might take multiple jobs till youget there, but you're holding out
for that dream job or you know, dream vacation, whatever you have.
I think love is no different.You can dream big and you can have
what you dream about. No oneof the things that you said actually right
(22:41):
before this, but you also reallygo into it in the book, is
you talk about self love and ratherthan settling, if you focus on self
love, there's a much better chanceyou're going to attract the person that you're
looking for anyway. Is that aboutright? Oh? I absolutely believe that,
and I think that's the law ofattraction. It is what you put
(23:02):
out there is what you get inreturn, and it's across love and life,
all aspects of life. I'm abig believer in that. And I
think if if we are looking,just like we said, if we're looking
for somebody else to fill our gapsor fix us or support us in ways
that we are not able to supportourselves, like basic things of you know,
(23:22):
emotional support, or we're asking toomuch from somebody else as well,
and so we're asking we're almost settingthem up to you know, let us
down, because it's not their jobin a relationship to make you happy.
It's not your job in a relationshipto make somebody else happy. You know,
your life is about you and you'reyou know, so loving yourself is
(23:45):
the app is an absolute necessity.And as you do that, I do
believe, you know, if you'reinto you know, vibrational matches and all
of that, I personally am.I think you just you just give off
a kind of aura about yourself that'syou know, the right person is going
to find that attractive. Yeah,And I couldn't agree more. And you
(24:07):
know, and one of the thingsof my own story is is that after
going through a divorce, I waspretty down and I ended up meeting a
man in a men's group that wasjust glowing with happiness and he had found
the second love of his life.And everything that he said was was all
(24:30):
about the fact that he says,you need to write it down. You
need to you need to put everythingdown. He said his mistake was was
that he got married very young,and he just thought, well, you
get kind of in love or inlust and then you make everything work out.
And he said what he decided wasyou write everything down so that you
know what you're looking for and thatthey're a match. You know, emotionally,
(24:52):
they're a match, financially, they'rea match spiritually. And he went
through all of these things and soI was excited. I went, Okay,
great, I'm going to do thisand I wrote all of that stuff
down. I broke it down intofive different categories, and I was so
proud of myself, and I readit a few times and I paused and
I looked at it and I said, no, I need to now write
(25:15):
something of who I need to beto deserve that person. And I rewrote
a completely different thing that focused onwho I needed to be, which included
what you talk about, which isself love. And sure enough for me.
Some time after that, I metsomeone and realized that there is a
(25:37):
whole other level of love that ifyou wait, you might find it.
I love that story, allan,I mean, how great is that that
you put the time to figure outwhat it is you wanted and then you
actually were open enough to change that, you know, and tweak it to
make it like, No, thisis actually what I need to do it
(26:00):
for myself. And I think thatis about becoming somebody that is attracting that
equal because who wants to be ina relationship with somebody that's not their equal
right, like equal whatever however youdefine equal, like I want a partner.
I think that's why it's called apartnership. It's not called anything else.
It's called a partnership. And Ithink that's a beautiful, beautiful story.
(26:22):
And I think that it's because it'spurposeful rights. That's great. Well,
let's talk a little bit about humor. And I believe in it in
all aspects of life. I thinkthat I'm somebody who loves comedy clubs.
You know, there's comedians that Ilove. There's one in particular that you
(26:42):
know, he refers to it ascomedy as medicine. Well, there were
times in which is reading your book, I felt like I was having medicine
because there was some laugh out loudmoments. So tell us a little bit
from a writing standpoint, how didyou balance it's the sort of serious aspects
of you know, focusing on selflove, of acknowledging that sometimes there are
(27:07):
bad fits, but at the sametime, the lighter side of some really
really funny moments. Yes, well, I do think humor is medicine.
I do believe that I think thatyou laugh and you make yourself feel better,
just like when you cry, youfeel sick to your stomach. So
for me, in writing this bookagain, it was changing my perspective and
(27:29):
I definitely didn't want this to bea Debbie Downer type of book. So
from my book cover, which hasmy cat on a leash, you know,
me and my cat on a leash, I mean, I think you
pay you look at the book andyou say, this is not going to
I hope people say this is nota Debbie Downer book. There's going to
be something different or you know,a bit funny. I'm almost making fun
of the fact that I have acat right as a spinster, and that's
(27:52):
the love of my life, ismy cat. And you know, so
I do think humor is very importantin having fun. So I would say
the book is about seventy five percent, you know, if these chapters are
humorous. Now, it's not likeevery word is laugh out lie loud.
There's definitely parts of it that Iwanted people to laugh out loud, and
(28:15):
I'm glad to hear that you did. There's about twenty five percent of it
that you know, there are afew chapters in there that are. You
know, some some people read themand they cried. I cry when I
read the stories because they still veryemotional, very raw and real, but
they're also very relatable, you know, stories and instances where you know love
didn't work out, or somebody fellin love where the other person, you
(28:41):
know, in this in my story, you know, I did not fall
in love and this person did andI had to end that with them,
and that's heartbreaking for them. Andso it's kind of showing the different angles
of modern love and the journey ofus trying to find that and find the
best right fit for us. Buthumor, I think is important because there's
(29:03):
so many missed for all the timesyou've fallen in love, right, how
many times have you not when you'vegone on a date? Yep, Well,
we've got another question. And asI read this question over, I
realized you've kind of answered the firsthalf of this question. But I think
that the second part of this questionI think could be very interesting. This
(29:26):
one reads as a single woman inher early seventies, I found the title
of your book very interesting. Inmy youth, being referred to as a
spinster was considered an insult. Howdid you come up with the title and
unapologetic spinster and what did it meanto you? And secondly, again as
(29:48):
a single woman in her early seventies, what are some suggestions that you would
have or someone like myself that wouldstill like to meet a man and have
him in my life. And thisis from Madeline in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Yes, well, thank you Madelinefor the question. So hopefully I
answered spinster is not meant to bean insult, but it is meant to
(30:11):
poke at society, right, It'sto say this word, this concept is
not okay, and we need tochange how we think about women versus how
we think of a bachelor right asa for most cases a positive undertone.
So I would, I mean mynumber one thing would say, doesn't matter
what your age is, It doesn'tmatter what you're you know, where you
are in your life, and whatyou've done in your life to date.
(30:33):
It is never too late for love. That is my absolute number one thing.
So I think having the mentality thatyou are, you know you're on
the cusp of meeting somebody, thatis I think a very healthy regardless of
anybody's age, just feeling like itis imminent and believing that you deserve it
(30:56):
and it's possible. That's the numberone thing. So number two would be
similar to the advice given before.Get out there and you know, what
do you what interests you? Whatis where is your community? Where can
you go meet other people? Youknow? Do you like to go for
walks? You know, during theafternoon when it's not too hot out there,
not in the summer maybe, butlike what are you? What are
(31:18):
you doing? And where are youwhere you can meet other people and have
fun? Yep. And if Ican add something for Madeline, my stepmother,
who is a wonderful person and infact she's you know, she's one
(31:38):
of those people that I consider anangel uh in everything that she does.
And she joined a group of womencalled the Red Hat Society, and they
travel all over the world as asa group. But what I and it
got to the point to where Iwould see them, I would see groups
(32:01):
of them. So I learned thatthere's there's smaller groups of them and then
they have a national thing and theyall get together. But in some of
the smaller groups, and I wentto a dinner dinner club, I guess
you would call it. So therewas entertainment, but it was also dinner
and drinks and stuff, and therewas a group of women and they were
(32:24):
the most fun and most of themwere all about twenty years older than me
at the time. But I endedup dancing with a bunch of them because
you know, as I you know, they they were going over and they
were grabbing men that were at tablesthat were about their age and trying to
(32:44):
pull them up to dance. Andsome of them, these guys were just
sitting there going no, no,no, I don't dance and stuff.
So I saw that and I went, no, no, I'll go And
then but before I knew it thatI was having a ball. They were
having a ball. But then someof these men, you know, were
looking at me and maybe we shouldget up there. We don't want this
young guy to be dancing with allthese women. But what I'm saying is
(33:06):
is that there are groups that youcan join that will sort of help bring
that out. And I think thatyou know, in this day and age,
if you can get out, youknow, and and just spend some
time with people, that you're goingto find somebody. Yes, that is
fantastic. What and what a greatexample of positivity rubbing off on other people,
(33:30):
right, because the people, theolder men who didn't want to get
up and dance at first, andin that story they probably maybe we're a
little self conscious or whatever reason,they just you know, and then they
see you out there having a blast, and like, I can have a
blast too, and they get upand they do it. And I think
I think that that is what datingis all about. And you know,
(33:52):
being yourself and having fun is puttingyourself out there, being a little bit
vulnerable, but also just really enjoyingthe moment and the people that you're with.
I couldn't agree more. So let'stalk about the book again, and
really, what's the message that youhope readers take away from the book in
(34:12):
regarding the importance of embracing your ownpersonal qualities and really celebrating yourself. Yeah,
I think I hope the readers takeaway that they're not they're not by
themselves in this journey, right,That it's a balance of you're not the
only one going through this, butalso in this journey of going through it
(34:35):
by yourself, you've got to appreciateeverything that you offer yourself. So putting
yourself first, it's an opportunity tobe selfish in a way right of you
don't have somebody else of like,hey, honey, what do you want
to do this Friday night? NoFriday night plans are up to you.
You get to decide that. Andso, well, you have this moment
in your life where you're unattached.What is it that you how you want
(35:00):
to spend your life and what isit that you want to do with that
precious time? And so if youcan learn to embrace and put yourself first,
I think through that comes more selfconfidence and more self love, which
we can all benefit from. Andthat and you're just you know, you're
on, You're where you're at.Don't compare yourself to other people, because
(35:22):
that is a recipe for you know, getting sad or you know, wondering
why things aren't working out. AndI'll share I have an identical twin sister,
so for you know, and shedid the illustrations of my chapters to
help make it a little more fun. But she's an identical twin sister,
went to West Point as well,was in the army for five years also,
(35:43):
but she's been married for fifteen yearsand has three kids. So how
you know, it's if I wereto compare myself to others. I'd compare
myself to my identical twin sister,and yet we're very different. But that's
her life and that she has herown life journey and challenges. She did
not have breast cancer. I did. It's these different things that make us
(36:05):
unique in our journeys. And havecompassion for yourself and have an appreciation for
what you're bringing to the table.And don't watch and look, especially with
all the social media out there,compare yourself to other people. That's not
helpful. So now you you mentionedthe breast cancer and I also mentioned it
in the introduction, and I tiedit to to resilience. But I mean,
(36:30):
share with us, how much doyou attribute your resilience to to that,
how much to the military and outof iman you went to arac There's
so many things that you've done.And I think resilience is one of the
things that's really lacking in our societyright now. We have a lot of
(36:52):
people that are offended by the slightestlittle thing, and so I think resilience,
resilience needs a comeback. So letme talk about your resilience and how
that's affected and shaped who you areyes. So I think definitely resilience for
(37:12):
me, building my own resilience I'msure started probably in my upbringing, which
had something to do with choosing togo to West Point, because all three
of the kids, my brother,my sister, and I, we all
went to West Point. And thenbeing at West Point creates, you know,
a toughness of who you know,perseverance, resilience. And then deploying
(37:34):
for you know, deploying twice inmy five years in active duty, I
think that definitely had a big partof it, right, because there's a
lot of uncertainty, just like there'suncertainty in dating. There's uncertainty when you're
in war, and you've got tokind of remain flexible and trust your intuition,
trust your skills, trust a lotof stuff. And so resilience is
(37:54):
knowing you're gonna make it through.But you know, I got out of
the Army and it was almost tenyears after I got out of the Army
when I was diagnosed with stage onebreast cancer, and I would say I
hit absolute rock bottom in my lifeso far. Was not when I was
deployed in Iraq and I was,you know, in combat, and that
(38:15):
was not a pleasant time. Butrock bottom for me was being alone in
my house and also lonely in myhouse, diagnosed with breast cancer, and
not really having a close network offriends because I, you know, I
was still fairly new to Boston,and I really struggled. I struggled with
(38:38):
my sense of self and so Ithink I hit rock bottom and that was
a big catalyst for me to comeout of how I had been. You
know, the inner narrative I hadfor myself. I had a lack of
self love. I had a lackof self confidence. I mean, when
I was in the Army, Ihad some great self confidence, but I
(38:59):
think lack of love was an alltime low when I got breast cancer,
and it was for me, itwas how am I going to change how
I think about myself in my life? And I did a lot of work.
I mean, I could list allthe things I've done and it's always
a journey, right But for me, breast cancer in that was five years
(39:21):
ago, five years cancer free.I would say that was the biggest aspect
of creating resilience in my life becauseit also was the catalyst for a lot
of positive change that I made thatis now part of who I am and
has helped me to be very happyin my life. I love that what
happens when you have such great confidencethat it actually appears to intimidate some of
(39:45):
the men. That is a greatquestion. I have no actual proof that
my confidence has intimidated men. Idon't know. I think that's a valid
hypothesis and one that you know,people have told me. I am.
You know, I've been very successfulin my career and combat veteran, and
(40:07):
I have a big personality, andI wrote a book about my dating.
I mean, I think there's aspectsof if I were if if my confidence
was maybe too much for somebody,I think it's possible I would intimidate them.
But I I guess I'll answer thatby saying I have no actual proof.
No man i've dated has said youare too confident for me, and
(40:29):
I'm intimidated. I have had acouple of people say you're too independent for
me, meaning like, because I, you know, lived on my own,
I took care of myself. Ididn't need them. I want,
I want somebody in my life,but I don't need somebody in my life.
So I'll pause there and say that'smy that's the best response to that
question. Okay, So again foreverybody out there, you know, if
(40:55):
if you pick up the book,what you'll find is just a lot of
great stories. Again, some seenheartfelt. On the other hand, some
are just hilarious. So I knowyou mentioned a little bit about the dating
Bigfoot, but share with us anotherone of your most memorable or surprising dates
(41:17):
that you have shared in your book. I'd say one of the most fun
dates I had was it was onlyone date. It was somebody I met
on a dating app in Boston,and I thought at first his profile was
a joke because it was a pictureof him at in a van down by
the river, and that was kindof his title, I live in a
(41:38):
van down by the river. AndI was like, okay, that's kind
of funny, and it got measking him some questions, and before you
know it, we're chatting and knowhe really does live in a van down
by the river, which was theCharles River in Boston. But he wasn't
from Boston. He'd actually rolled intotown like the day before, and he
(41:59):
was going to be leaving and headingI think to Ohio or back to where
somewhere. The next day and sohe really wanted to go out on a
on a date with me, butI had actually plans that evening. Uh.
But he you know, he actuallycalled me in the app, which
I appreciated because he just like hesaid, let me explain, let me
explain, you know why I reallywant to go on a date with you.
(42:22):
And I'm you know, I'm notweird or I'm actually this normal guy,
and I this is why I livein a van, and and I
just I like this person. Ilike his energy. I think he's funny.
And I had a bare minimum becauseit was it was during COVID at
the time. You know, we'llwalk around the city, you know,
during daylight hours, and it willbe it will at least be a fun
(42:43):
interaction. So I write in thatchapter about meeting him and how I kind
of went from having judgment about himand why he lived in a in a
van to thinking this this guy whoended up looking a lot like a celebrity
that I have a crush on whenI was young. I mean it was
it was he was just a greatguy, not my guy. I wasn't
(43:06):
even going to stay in Boston,but it was just it was such a
pleasant conversation and engagement with somebody.That made for a good chapter. I
thought, yeah, I agree,and it also I think it points towards
the idea of give people a chancelisten, you know, you know you
they might surprise you. So Ilike that. The time is absolutely flown
(43:31):
by I so enjoyed this share witheverybody. I mean, what would be
the best way if somebody wants toget in touch with you? Actually,
maybe somebody's watching and they're going,okay, well and now I want to
date her. So if they wantto date me, I actually have two
(43:52):
websites I haven't on. My websitefor my book is unapologeticspinster dot com.
I have a date date Me tabon there. Again, it's a get
you know, like as a marketer. I'm not on the apps, but
I do write a little funny thingabout somebody wanted to date me. But
for those who would like to stayin touch, I am, as you
mentioned in the beginning, and empowermentambassador, So I help empower women to
(44:15):
live their most authentic lives, tohelp them in business and in life.
So the best place to reach meis at my website, which you're going
to put in the notes Christianachoffey dotcom as well as find me on LinkedIn,
perfect and in fact, so Iknow you have. Do you have
any speaking engagements coming up that youwant to talk about here? I don't
have anything that I guess for public. I have different associations and groups that
(44:40):
I'm working with, but I amalso I've just launched the coaching business that
I have, so that's my bigfocus, and speaking is something I do
on the side as well. Soundsgreat, So for everybody, go to
the website and all the information willbe there for you. So so,
Christianna, thank you so much,or for coming on for writing the book.
(45:02):
This has been a blast. Thishas been a lot of fun.
Thank you so much, Alan forhaving me. You're very welcome. Please
be good human beings and focus onthe positive things that you can pay forward.
Thank you for joining us, andwelcome to another edition of Answers Network.
I'm your host, Alan Cardoza.Now, today we're going to celebrate women,
and what better way to start thanwith a woman who passionately shares insights
and inspiration, empowering women to unlocktheir authentic selves in business and in life.
(00:29):
Now, Christiana Chaffey is a seasonedleader with a rich background in the
United States Army and the biotech industry. She has recently embarked on a transformation
career that is a journey in regardsto as an empowerment ambassador, I think
(00:49):
is the best way to put it. She's also a speaker, and she's
now an author of her new bookand Unapologetic Spinster. Christiana's dynamic journey started
as the United States Military Academy atWest Point and followed by five years serving
as an officer in the US Armywith two years deployment in Iraq. Now,
(01:11):
as a decorated compact veteran, shehas been awarded the Bronze Star Combat
Action Badge and an Army Accommodation Medal. Now, as a breast cancer survivor,
she also embodies resilience, a tradeevident in both her personal and professional
(01:33):
pursuits. Her love for challenges extendsbeyond the boardroom, though, because manifesting
herself as an avid runner of distancesup to fifty miles and a scuba diving
enthusiast. Now you can contact Youcan contact Christiana on LinkedIn, or you
can visit her website, which we'regoing to put in the show notes.
(01:53):
So don't worry. And if you'redriving out there, don't worry. Everything
will be out there for you.Soanna, welcome to Answers Network. Thank
you so much for having me Alanpleasure to be here. Well, as
we were discussing a little bit aheadof time, is that, you know,
I put together some questions and there'sa lot of things that I really
(02:13):
like about the book and the waythat you've put it together. But I
got so many interesting questions that weresending to us ahead of time. I
kind of want to start with someof those. So one of which I
thought was quite interesting, and thisone reads after more bad dates than I
can admit to, I started ablog with some of my friends from college,
(02:37):
and I found that I wasn't alone. What inspired you to start blogging
about your dating experiences and then turnthem into a book. And this is
from Rita in Dallas, Texas.Well, I love that question. Thank
you to Rita for sending that in. Well for me, I mean,
we must be very similar because that'sexactly what I started to do was write
(02:58):
a blog when I felt that Iwas having these dead end dates and it
just felt like I was on ahamster wheel and there just didn't seem to
be much positivity in it. Butmy writing a blog, which was a
couple of years ago, because Iturned it into a book, writing the
blog was what actually helped me changemy perspective. Putting words to paper was
(03:20):
allowing me the opportunity to almost rewritemy perspective and how I was seeing these
dates. So where I had goneon, you know, I've gone on
a couple hundred first dates, andthat's a lot. I think that there
is also an opportunity for each individualdate to see good that comes out of
it, you know, an opportunityto go somewhere different, meet somebody new,
(03:40):
learn something different, and through that, you know, what some people
would call unfortunate or awkward moments happened. I tried to find the humor in
them. So I used my humorin a written form to bring out a
different, positive perspective. And asI did that, I actually was changing
as a person. I ended upchanging jobs and right, you know after
(04:03):
I started my blog a couple monthsinto it. But my very you know,
secret network of blog readers, theyloved it and they kept asking give
me more, give me more.But I'm I was a marketer at the
time. I'd been a marketer fortwelve years after my military career. So
I you know, I used mybook writing a book as something that was
(04:24):
another creative yet a different level ofwriting. So if you're loving your blog,
I would encourage you to consider writingwriting a book and putting it out
there for even more people to read. Well. And again, when this
came in, and because obviously Iknow that the book is set up that
way, I just thought it wasa perfect way to start. Now for
(04:46):
those people that haven't had a chanceto read the book, like I have,
share a little bit about the bookthe way that you have it set
up. Again, some of thethings that I like is the fact that
you not only feel like you're you'regetting some insight. Well, let me
put it this way, as aguy. I felt like I was getting
a little bit of insight into thewoman's playbook. That's quite possibly true.
(05:12):
I'm just one woman, so myperspective may not encompass everybody's, but there's
definitely I think, you know,we're talking with my girlfriends who are going
through dating experiences too. I thinkI do capture a lot of relatable perspectives
from from women out there dating.So yeah, I think that the book
is very different than what else isout there. If you go on Amazon
and you look for dating books,and I encourage your your listeners and your
(05:36):
viewers to not do this. Don'tgo pick up another dating advice book that
says how to text the guy orhow to you know, how to flirt
with somebody. I think those areadvice books that are helping, you know,
teach you to be somebody that youknow that society thinks you're supposed to
be. But that's not really whatit's about. So I created my book
(05:58):
to kind of take me, takeyou through. It's not too it's generally
sequential, but it's not written totallysequentially. Each chapter is its own dating
experience, and it just takes youthrough my journey as I'm having all of
these different yet relatable experiences. Soit's not a dating advice book. It
is definitely more about you know.I describe it as a mix of sex
(06:19):
and the City and eat Prey Love. I've seen both of them, so
yeah, and I and I wouldsay the same thing that you know that
if you envision the difference between youknow, a dating advice book is you're
in a It's like you're in aclassroom and there's somebody the head of the
(06:40):
class that's saying, do this,do this, do this as opposed to
going here are some experiences that youmight be able to relate to. And
by the way, sometimes they're reallyfunny. Well, and you know in
that, you know, writing ofthe stories, part of part of my
chapters were written during COVID, andI did a little bit of an experiment.
I you know, you couldn't goto bars. I was living in
(07:02):
Boston at the time. The barswere completely shut down, so we had
to be creative when we went outon dates, and that was usually walking
around the city, which I alsothought was a great way to explore the
city because I didn't grow up inBoston, and so I did an experiment
with you know, how much,how much can I get away with without
wearing makeup or doing my hair ormaybe I'm even going on a walking date,
(07:25):
literally wearing workout gear. And Ifound that it didn't matter what I
look like, what I wore,how much makeup I had on. It
was really about who I was whenI showed up as a person. How
did I engage with that individual?Did they feel welcome with me in my
presence? Did did I listen tothem? Did I engage with them?
(07:45):
Did I ask them questions? Andthat to me, you know, is
really one of the big parts ofhaving a successful date. And you don't
hear that in dating apps, excuseme, in the dating books, you
don't. You don't read that it'sabout being somebody else, But really you
just need to be you and bea genuine version of you that cares enough
to spend time with somebody for thirtyminutes, an hour, whatever, however
(08:07):
long that date lasts well. Andbefore I go into some of the other
questions, I would love for youto share one of the experiences, because
again, as I scanned through someof them, I found some of them
to be educational, but in somecases quite humorous. Well, one of
(08:30):
my favorites was meeting Bigfoot, andI went on a date a couple of
days. Actually for a few weeks, I dated Bigfoot. So what happened
was I love to run, asyou mentioned in the intro, and I
was doing a forty mile race andit was in the woods and it was
a looped course. So we weredoing the looped course ten miles four times
each, which sounds crazy, buthonestly, it was actually quite enjoyable.
(08:52):
I was going very slow, bythe way, So during that race,
out of nowhere, Bigfoot comes runningdown the trail towards me, and at
first I was like, what isthat and it was scary, but then
I realized it was just a personin a Bigfoot costume. And when it
became apparent they were not there toharm me and I was not in any
(09:15):
danger. It was actually quite funnybecause I realized that the race directors had
put that on for this person torun opposite to us on the course and
kind of just bring some levity towhat would be, you know, an
all day running event. And soI write in my book in one of
the chapters about how I came acrossBigfoot a couple miles later, and I
(09:37):
scared Bigfoot, so it was alittle bit of karma happening. But you
know, we ended up talking,and you know, I took a break
because I wasn't, you know,a serious competitor on the in the race.
We and we ended up meeting afterthe race and dating for a little
bit. So it's just an exampleof you never know where you're going to
be and who you're going to bumpinto. But if you're enjoying yourself and
(09:58):
having fun doing whatever it is you'redoing, even if it's crazy like running
in the woods for an entire day, you never know what's going to happen.
And that was probably one of thebest ways I've met somebody that I've
dated. I think it's hilarious.And how many people can say that the
Bigfoot, I don't know. Maybebig maybe he does that. Maybe that's
(10:22):
his thing, right, maybe that'show you picked up women. So there
could be other people that have metthat Bigfoot. But well there's somehow,
there's there's another meeting group there somewhere, Yes, put something out. How
many of you can say, well, so there's another Oh okay, so
(10:45):
now this one this one comes in. This one reads, and again I
want to thank those that take thetime to do this. I know many
people work in the middle of theday, so to send in the questions
ahead of time, I think iswonderful. This one reads, I'm a
forty two year divorced woman currently livingalone while my only child has moved away
to college. I have single girlfriendswho have looked for dates online and or
(11:09):
in bars. This doesn't sound appealingto me right now. What advice would
you give to me and other singlewomen who are looking for love and happiness
but doing so on their own terms? And this is from Bonnie in Portland,
Oregon. Well, Bonnie, I'mforty one, almost forty two,
so I'm right there with you,and kudos to you for, you know,
(11:30):
having a marriage and not working outand then getting back out there,
because there's so many people that justkind of give up, whether it's a
marriage, and for me, itwas a ten year relationship that was failed
at the age of thirty six,and so I went out there and was
trying to figure this out. Sothe question you're asking is really very relevant
to anybody who's getting into the datingworld when they haven't seen or experienced maybe
(11:52):
much of the dating apps and thismodern way of dating. So you know,
my advice to you is, don'tdo something that doesn't you know,
sound fun to you. Right,So either if something is of interest,
then maybe you can grow to enjoyit more. But if online dating or
date going on dating apps is ifyou if you have no interest in trying
(12:13):
it, then I would say maybedon't try it now, try other things.
You know, I have tried itall. I've you know, I
just heard heard the story about mebeing out in the woods meeting somebody.
But I've tried to pick you know, attention, not pick people up,
but meet people, just meet people, make eye contacts, see if there
is chemistry in person. Really anywhereI go, and you know, the
(12:35):
bar would be one of them.But I do think the challenge of today's
society is a lot of people relyon the dating apps. So if they're
not using, if they're not ifyou're not on a dating app, then
they're never going to look at youtwice because they're only finding dates through dating
apps. And I don't know whythat is, that's just how some people
are. Me personally, I amnot on any dating apps because I did
(12:58):
a whole lot of that, andI just didn't find it to be a
good use of my time, myenergy, or my money, and so
I decided to do more organic,you know, meeting people out and about.
So my advice if you're not goingto look at dating apps anytime soon,
and you're not having any success justbeing out with your girlfriends at a
bar, then figure out what elseis of interest to you, right,
(13:22):
you know, do you do youlike to cook? You know, do
you want to go to cooking classes? Maybe meet people there? For me,
you know, scuba diving was areally it's a community, and so
I picked up scuba diving to meetother people. And also it tends to
be more male dominated in the inthe people that do scuba diving. So
I thought my odds were fairly good. Yes, So I was marrying up
(13:46):
what are my interests and where willother people be? And I would look
at kind of hobbies and expand yourselfso you're not relying on just your girlfriends
and you can do things. Youknow, with your only child out of
the house, what can you dofor you? And that's that to me,
is the best bet to meet somebodywho then is going to have similar
interest to you. Well, Ilike that, and Bonnie to add to
(14:09):
that, you know, if youif you're somebody who likes running and you
join a running group, you mightmeet Bigfoot too. So there's lots of
possibilities out there, how true.But you know, I like that where
it's it talks about, you know, figure out what it is that you
like. And I think that's goingto be the first, you know,
(14:31):
the first thing that makes sense.So one of the questions that you know
that I wanted to bring up becauseand I'm in my sixties. So the
idea of the word spinster being usedin the title was intriguing to me.
So what inspired you to, uh, to put that title, you know,
(14:52):
the the Unapologetic Spinster? What madeyou? What drew you to the
fact of using this and you know, and and how does that kind of
fit? How did you feel thatfit best with the book? So I
came up with the title soon afterI started writing it, and it just
(15:13):
kind of hit me because I'm youknow, I am a pretty confident person.
I haven't always been confident, butI've you know, through my journey,
and I think dating has been abig part of that. I've learned
to appreciate myself more and become moreconfident and with certain you know confidence,
there's this unapologetic aspect of it.It's me being me and it's not meaning
(15:35):
that I'm arrogant or I'm putting youknow, you know, forcing myself on
anybody in my personality. It isme being me and not worrying about what
other people think. And so thatwas a big theme of my book,
is you know, finding love andwhat love means to me and the type
of person that I'm looking for,so being unapologetic about that. And then
(15:56):
the spinster part, it's really apoke at society. Now, spinster is
clearly an antiquated word. It isnot used in today's society, but it
is I think that the idea ofa spinster does still apply in today's society.
So if you think about a manwho's you know, turning forty and
he's never been married, he's youknow, a bachelor, and some might
(16:19):
think, oh, he's been focusedon his career. Now he's going to
meet somebody wonderful and now now's thetime for him to have a kid.
I was approaching forty, never married, and I had a lot of people
asking me what's wrong with you?Why haven't you met somebody? And so
that's kind of a you know what, I am a spinster if you want
to use that antiquated word. Iuse it in jest, but it's kind
(16:41):
of like, I don't care whatsociety thinks about me and where I should
be. I'm right where I'm supposedto be, and honestly, I'm really
loving life and I'm unapologetic about whoI am and where I am. Ye,
And one of the visions that Ihad when I looked at the name
and I thought, I wonder ifher mother or her favorite aunt or someone
you know, said, honey,do you really know what this this world
(17:03):
means? So I think that's great. Now, what you just talked about
has to do with kind of society'simportance, you know, or the emphasis
on relationships, and which I thinkit's it's worldwide. I think it's more
than just a h a US oran American thing. So why do you
(17:25):
think that you know, it's thatit's kind of crucial to kind of challenge
this notion you know that that beingalone equates to loneliness. How did we
get to this point? I guessI'm glad that you're challenging it, but
how do we get to this point? Is this been a marketing scheme all
along that if you don't do this, you know, you're just going to
(17:47):
be lonely? And I love thefact that you're challenging that. Yeah.
Well, so, I think whatyou're talking about is the difference between alone,
being alone and being lonely, andthat is I think there is definitely
a difference there. I think itstems from, you know, similar to
what we just talked about. Ithink it stems from just society and how
(18:07):
you know, men or women,if you're if you're single, people assume
that you are lonely. But there'salso an aspect of it where I think
a lot of people that are sayingthat or thinking that are in perhaps relationships
themselves, and then they're kind ofprojecting onto other people like why why aren't
you in a relationship? And Idon't want to pass judgment. I mean,
(18:30):
my journey is my journey, butI do try to find compassion and
empathy for people who assume that Iam lonely. And what I've found is
that, you know, I thinkthat they maybe if they were in my
shoes would be lonely. And soI mean that makes me a little sad
because I don't I don't want anybodyto feel when they're not in a relationship,
(18:51):
that they are alone, that theyare lonely. Yes, you're alone
because you're not in a relationship,but you don't have to be sad or
you know, fearful of being byyourself, or any other negative emotion that
people you know associate with loneliness.And the other thing I'd say is even
when people are in a relationship,it doesn't mean that they're feeling fulfilled,
(19:14):
and it doesn't mean that they feellike they have a true companion. And
I think we all know people thatare in relationships, whether married or not,
that are just kind of on twoseparate paths or coexisting. And I
mean I was in a relationship thatwent on for way too long, and
you know it's I was lonely.I was lonely in that relationship, with
(19:34):
more lonely in that relationship than Ihave been on my dating journey. And
at some points I was very lonely, you know, dating, But I
learned how to change that perspective andso now I'm alone, but I'm very
very happy, and I'm very fulfilledwith what's in my life. So we
need to stop assuming just because somebody'snot in a relationship that they are lonely.
(20:00):
We're speaking with Christiana Choffee and herbook is The Unapologetic Spinster, and
if you're wondering what that is,stay with us. We're going to talk
more about it. And in fact, Christiana, I'd like to talk a
little bit about the concept of notsettling. So I think that's another another
issue that many people get caught upin. So Christiana, let's let's talk
(20:25):
a little bit about settling. Obviouslyin what you're doing as you're dating,
and as you said, you knowyou've had a whole lot of first dates.
Let's talk about settling where other peoplemaybe are settling, and and you
are of the belief that there's noneed to. Yeah, well, I
think settling is, by definition,right, is deciding to compromise what it
(20:52):
is you maybe really want or needand taking something lesser, not to that
people are lesser, but meaning likethe fit is lesser than what you would
ideally want. And I think somethingso important as love and who we choose
to be in a long term,you know, lifelong partnership with for those
(21:14):
who want to be in a lifelongpartnership, I mean, I think it's
so important to carefully choose and notsettle, so not say, you know
what, I've been at this gamefor so long and I just can't meet
the I just don't feel that connectionthat I've always hoped for. So I'm
just going to see what good enoughcan come along and then just you know,
(21:34):
commit to them. I just Imean, to each their own.
But for me, I am astrong believer, especially have having been in
a ten year relationship that wasn't theright fit, that was settling that I'm
never going to settle again. AndI think that comes also with the confidence
of being alone, right, Andso we just talked about the difference between
(21:56):
being alone and lonely and loneliness.So if I'm not looking for somebody to
fill some gap of who I amor bring you know, wait for a
relationship in order to feel happy.If I'm finding happiness living my life as
I want to live my life,well then there's no need to settle.
Then I can still dream big.It's it's no different than you know,
(22:18):
feeling like you need to settle forthe dream job that you want. Right,
you might take multiple jobs till youget there, but you're holding out
for that dream job or you know, dream vacation, whatever you have.
I think love is no different.You can dream big and you can have
what you dream about. No oneof the things that you said actually right
(22:41):
before this, but you also reallygo into it in the book, is
you talk about self love and ratherthan settling, if you focus on self
love, there's a much better chanceyou're going to attract the person that you're
looking for anyway. Is that aboutright? Oh? I absolutely believe that,
and I think that's the law ofattraction. It is what you put
(23:02):
out there is what you get inreturn, and it's across love and life,
all aspects of life. I'm abig believer in that. And I
think if if we are looking,just like we said, if we're looking
for somebody else to fill our gapsor fix us or support us in ways
that we are not able to supportourselves, like basic things of you know,
(23:22):
emotional support, or we're asking toomuch from somebody else as well,
and so we're asking we're almost settingthem up to you know, let us
down, because it's not their jobin a relationship to make you happy.
It's not your job in a relationshipto make somebody else happy. You know,
your life is about you and you'reyou know, so loving yourself is
(23:45):
the app is an absolute necessity.And as you do that, I do
believe, you know, if you'reinto you know, vibrational matches and all
of that, I personally am.I think you just you just give off
a kind of aura about yourself that'syou know, the right person is going
to find that attractive. Yeah,And I couldn't agree more. And you
(24:07):
know, and one of the thingsof my own story is is that after
going through a divorce, I waspretty down and I ended up meeting a
man in a men's group that wasjust glowing with happiness and he had found
the second love of his life.And everything that he said was was all
(24:30):
about the fact that he says,you need to write it down. You
need to you need to put everythingdown. He said his mistake was was
that he got married very young,and he just thought, well, you
get kind of in love or inlust and then you make everything work out.
And he said what he decided wasyou write everything down so that you
know what you're looking for and thatthey're a match. You know, emotionally,
(24:52):
they're a match, financially, they'rea match spiritually. And he went
through all of these things and soI was excited. I went, Okay,
great, I'm going to do thisand I wrote all of that stuff
down. I broke it down intofive different categories, and I was so
proud of myself, and I readit a few times and I paused and
I looked at it and I said, no, I need to now write
(25:15):
something of who I need to beto deserve that person. And I rewrote
a completely different thing that focused onwho I needed to be, which included
what you talk about, which isself love. And sure enough for me.
Some time after that, I metsomeone and realized that there is a
(25:37):
whole other level of love that ifyou wait, you might find it.
I love that story, allan,I mean, how great is that that
you put the time to figure outwhat it is you wanted and then you
actually were open enough to change that, you know, and tweak it to
make it like, No, thisis actually what I need to do it
(26:00):
for myself. And I think thatis about becoming somebody that is attracting that
equal because who wants to be ina relationship with somebody that's not their equal
right, like equal whatever however youdefine equal, like I want a partner.
I think that's why it's called apartnership. It's not called anything else.
It's called a partnership. And Ithink that's a beautiful, beautiful story.
(26:22):
And I think that it's because it'spurposeful rights. That's great. Well,
let's talk a little bit about humor. And I believe in it in
all aspects of life. I thinkthat I'm somebody who loves comedy clubs.
You know, there's comedians that Ilove. There's one in particular that you
(26:42):
know, he refers to it ascomedy as medicine. Well, there were
times in which is reading your book, I felt like I was having medicine
because there was some laugh out loudmoments. So tell us a little bit
from a writing standpoint, how didyou balance it's the sort of serious aspects
of you know, focusing on selflove, of acknowledging that sometimes there are
(27:07):
bad fits, but at the sametime, the lighter side of some really
really funny moments. Yes, well, I do think humor is medicine.
I do believe that I think thatyou laugh and you make yourself feel better,
just like when you cry, youfeel sick to your stomach. So
for me, in writing this bookagain, it was changing my perspective and
(27:29):
I definitely didn't want this to bea Debbie Downer type of book. So
from my book cover, which hasmy cat on a leash, you know,
me and my cat on a leash, I mean, I think you
pay you look at the book andyou say, this is not going to
I hope people say this is nota Debbie Downer book. There's going to
be something different or you know,a bit funny. I'm almost making fun
of the fact that I have acat right as a spinster, and that's
(27:52):
the love of my life, ismy cat. And you know, so
I do think humor is very importantin having fun. So I would say
the book is about seventy five percent, you know, if these chapters are
humorous. Now, it's not likeevery word is laugh out lie loud.
There's definitely parts of it that Iwanted people to laugh out loud, and
(28:15):
I'm glad to hear that you did. There's about twenty five percent of it
that you know, there are afew chapters in there that are. You
know, some some people read themand they cried. I cry when I
read the stories because they still veryemotional, very raw and real, but
they're also very relatable, you know, stories and instances where you know love
didn't work out, or somebody fellin love where the other person, you
(28:41):
know, in this in my story, you know, I did not fall
in love and this person did andI had to end that with them,
and that's heartbreaking for them. Andso it's kind of showing the different angles
of modern love and the journey ofus trying to find that and find the
best right fit for us. Buthumor, I think is important because there's
(29:03):
so many missed for all the timesyou've fallen in love, right, how
many times have you not when you'vegone on a date? Yep, Well,
we've got another question. And asI read this question over, I
realized you've kind of answered the firsthalf of this question. But I think
that the second part of this questionI think could be very interesting. This
(29:26):
one reads as a single woman inher early seventies, I found the title
of your book very interesting. Inmy youth, being referred to as a
spinster was considered an insult. Howdid you come up with the title and
unapologetic spinster and what did it meanto you? And secondly, again as
(29:48):
a single woman in her early seventies, what are some suggestions that you would
have or someone like myself that wouldstill like to meet a man and have
him in my life. And thisis from Madeline in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Yes, well, thank you Madelinefor the question. So hopefully I
answered spinster is not meant to bean insult, but it is meant to
(30:11):
poke at society, right, It'sto say this word, this concept is
not okay, and we need tochange how we think about women versus how
we think of a bachelor right asa for most cases a positive undertone.
So I would, I mean mynumber one thing would say, doesn't matter
what your age is, It doesn'tmatter what you're you know, where you
are in your life, and whatyou've done in your life to date.
(30:33):
It is never too late for love. That is my absolute number one thing.
So I think having the mentality thatyou are, you know you're on
the cusp of meeting somebody, thatis I think a very healthy regardless of
anybody's age, just feeling like itis imminent and believing that you deserve it
(30:56):
and it's possible. That's the numberone thing. So number two would be
similar to the advice given before.Get out there and you know, what
do you what interests you? Whatis where is your community? Where can
you go meet other people? Youknow? Do you like to go for
walks? You know, during theafternoon when it's not too hot out there,
not in the summer maybe, butlike what are you? What are
(31:18):
you doing? And where are youwhere you can meet other people and have
fun? Yep. And if Ican add something for Madeline, my stepmother,
who is a wonderful person and infact she's you know, she's one
(31:38):
of those people that I consider anangel uh in everything that she does.
And she joined a group of womencalled the Red Hat Society, and they
travel all over the world as asa group. But what I and it
got to the point to where Iwould see them, I would see groups
(32:01):
of them. So I learned thatthere's there's smaller groups of them and then
they have a national thing and theyall get together. But in some of
the smaller groups, and I wentto a dinner dinner club, I guess
you would call it. So therewas entertainment, but it was also dinner
and drinks and stuff, and therewas a group of women and they were
(32:24):
the most fun and most of themwere all about twenty years older than me
at the time. But I endedup dancing with a bunch of them because
you know, as I you know, they they were going over and they
were grabbing men that were at tablesthat were about their age and trying to
(32:44):
pull them up to dance. Andsome of them, these guys were just
sitting there going no, no,no, I don't dance and stuff.
So I saw that and I went, no, no, I'll go And
then but before I knew it thatI was having a ball. They were
having a ball. But then someof these men, you know, were
looking at me and maybe we shouldget up there. We don't want this
young guy to be dancing with allthese women. But what I'm saying is
(33:06):
is that there are groups that youcan join that will sort of help bring
that out. And I think thatyou know, in this day and age,
if you can get out, youknow, and and just spend some
time with people, that you're goingto find somebody. Yes, that is
fantastic. What and what a greatexample of positivity rubbing off on other people,
(33:30):
right, because the people, theolder men who didn't want to get
up and dance at first, andin that story they probably maybe we're a
little self conscious or whatever reason,they just you know, and then they
see you out there having a blast, and like, I can have a
blast too, and they get upand they do it. And I think
I think that that is what datingis all about. And you know,
(33:52):
being yourself and having fun is puttingyourself out there, being a little bit
vulnerable, but also just really enjoyingthe moment and the people that you're with.
I couldn't agree more. So let'stalk about the book again, and
really, what's the message that youhope readers take away from the book in
(34:12):
regarding the importance of embracing your ownpersonal qualities and really celebrating yourself. Yeah,
I think I hope the readers takeaway that they're not they're not by
themselves in this journey, right,That it's a balance of you're not the
only one going through this, butalso in this journey of going through it
(34:35):
by yourself, you've got to appreciateeverything that you offer yourself. So putting
yourself first, it's an opportunity tobe selfish in a way right of you
don't have somebody else of like,hey, honey, what do you want
to do this Friday night? NoFriday night plans are up to you.
You get to decide that. Andso, well, you have this moment
in your life where you're unattached.What is it that you how you want
(35:00):
to spend your life and what isit that you want to do with that
precious time? And so if youcan learn to embrace and put yourself first,
I think through that comes more selfconfidence and more self love, which
we can all benefit from. Andthat and you're just you know, you're
on, You're where you're at.Don't compare yourself to other people, because
(35:22):
that is a recipe for you know, getting sad or you know, wondering
why things aren't working out. AndI'll share I have an identical twin sister,
so for you know, and shedid the illustrations of my chapters to
help make it a little more fun. But she's an identical twin sister,
went to West Point as well,was in the army for five years also,
(35:43):
but she's been married for fifteen yearsand has three kids. So how
you know, it's if I wereto compare myself to others. I'd compare
myself to my identical twin sister,and yet we're very different. But that's
her life and that she has herown life journey and challenges. She did
not have breast cancer. I did. It's these different things that make us
(36:05):
unique in our journeys. And havecompassion for yourself and have an appreciation for
what you're bringing to the table.And don't watch and look, especially with
all the social media out there,compare yourself to other people. That's not
helpful. So now you you mentionedthe breast cancer and I also mentioned it
in the introduction, and I tiedit to to resilience. But I mean,
(36:30):
share with us, how much doyou attribute your resilience to to that,
how much to the military and outof iman you went to arac There's
so many things that you've done.And I think resilience is one of the
things that's really lacking in our societyright now. We have a lot of
(36:52):
people that are offended by the slightestlittle thing, and so I think resilience,
resilience needs a comeback. So letme talk about your resilience and how
that's affected and shaped who you areyes. So I think definitely resilience for
(37:12):
me, building my own resilience I'msure started probably in my upbringing, which
had something to do with choosing togo to West Point, because all three
of the kids, my brother,my sister, and I, we all
went to West Point. And thenbeing at West Point creates, you know,
a toughness of who you know,perseverance, resilience. And then deploying
(37:34):
for you know, deploying twice inmy five years in active duty, I
think that definitely had a big partof it, right, because there's a
lot of uncertainty, just like there'suncertainty in dating. There's uncertainty when you're
in war, and you've got tokind of remain flexible and trust your intuition,
trust your skills, trust a lotof stuff. And so resilience is
(37:54):
knowing you're gonna make it through.But you know, I got out of
the Army and it was almost tenyears after I got out of the Army
when I was diagnosed with stage onebreast cancer, and I would say I
hit absolute rock bottom in my lifeso far. Was not when I was
deployed in Iraq and I was,you know, in combat, and that
(38:15):
was not a pleasant time. Butrock bottom for me was being alone in
my house and also lonely in myhouse, diagnosed with breast cancer, and
not really having a close network offriends because I, you know, I
was still fairly new to Boston,and I really struggled. I struggled with
(38:38):
my sense of self and so Ithink I hit rock bottom and that was
a big catalyst for me to comeout of how I had been. You
know, the inner narrative I hadfor myself. I had a lack of
self love. I had a lackof self confidence. I mean, when
I was in the Army, Ihad some great self confidence, but I
(38:59):
think lack of love was an alltime low when I got breast cancer,
and it was for me, itwas how am I going to change how
I think about myself in my life? And I did a lot of work.
I mean, I could list allthe things I've done and it's always
a journey, right But for me, breast cancer in that was five years
(39:21):
ago, five years cancer free.I would say that was the biggest aspect
of creating resilience in my life becauseit also was the catalyst for a lot
of positive change that I made thatis now part of who I am and
has helped me to be very happyin my life. I love that what
happens when you have such great confidencethat it actually appears to intimidate some of
(39:45):
the men. That is a greatquestion. I have no actual proof that
my confidence has intimidated men. Idon't know. I think that's a valid
hypothesis and one that you know,people have told me. I am.
You know, I've been very successfulin my career and combat veteran, and
(40:07):
I have a big personality, andI wrote a book about my dating.
I mean, I think there's aspectsof if I were if if my confidence
was maybe too much for somebody,I think it's possible I would intimidate them.
But I I guess I'll answer thatby saying I have no actual proof.
No man i've dated has said youare too confident for me, and
(40:29):
I'm intimidated. I have had acouple of people say you're too independent for
me, meaning like, because I, you know, lived on my own,
I took care of myself. Ididn't need them. I want,
I want somebody in my life,but I don't need somebody in my life.
So I'll pause there and say that'smy that's the best response to that
question. Okay, So again foreverybody out there, you know, if
(40:55):
if you pick up the book,what you'll find is just a lot of
great stories. Again, some seenheartfelt. On the other hand, some
are just hilarious. So I knowyou mentioned a little bit about the dating
Bigfoot, but share with us anotherone of your most memorable or surprising dates
(41:17):
that you have shared in your book. I'd say one of the most fun
dates I had was it was onlyone date. It was somebody I met
on a dating app in Boston,and I thought at first his profile was
a joke because it was a pictureof him at in a van down by
the river, and that was kindof his title, I live in a
(41:38):
van down by the river. AndI was like, okay, that's kind
of funny, and it got measking him some questions, and before you
know it, we're chatting and knowhe really does live in a van down
by the river, which was theCharles River in Boston. But he wasn't
from Boston. He'd actually rolled intotown like the day before, and he
(41:59):
was going to be leaving and headingI think to Ohio or back to where
somewhere. The next day and sohe really wanted to go out on a
on a date with me, butI had actually plans that evening. Uh.
But he you know, he actuallycalled me in the app, which
I appreciated because he just like hesaid, let me explain, let me
explain, you know why I reallywant to go on a date with you.
(42:22):
And I'm you know, I'm notweird or I'm actually this normal guy,
and I this is why I livein a van, and and I
just I like this person. Ilike his energy. I think he's funny.
And I had a bare minimum becauseit was it was during COVID at
the time. You know, we'llwalk around the city, you know,
during daylight hours, and it willbe it will at least be a fun
(42:43):
interaction. So I write in thatchapter about meeting him and how I kind
of went from having judgment about himand why he lived in a in a
van to thinking this this guy whoended up looking a lot like a celebrity
that I have a crush on whenI was young. I mean it was
it was he was just a greatguy, not my guy. I wasn't
(43:06):
even going to stay in Boston,but it was just it was such a
pleasant conversation and engagement with somebody.That made for a good chapter. I
thought, yeah, I agree,and it also I think it points towards
the idea of give people a chancelisten, you know, you know you
they might surprise you. So Ilike that. The time is absolutely flown
(43:31):
by I so enjoyed this share witheverybody. I mean, what would be
the best way if somebody wants toget in touch with you? Actually,
maybe somebody's watching and they're going,okay, well and now I want to
date her. So if they wantto date me, I actually have two
(43:52):
websites I haven't on. My websitefor my book is unapologeticspinster dot com.
I have a date date Me tabon there. Again, it's a get
you know, like as a marketer. I'm not on the apps, but
I do write a little funny thingabout somebody wanted to date me. But
for those who would like to stayin touch, I am, as you
mentioned in the beginning, and empowermentambassador, So I help empower women to
(44:15):
live their most authentic lives, tohelp them in business and in life.
So the best place to reach meis at my website, which you're going
to put in the notes Christianachoffey dotcom as well as find me on LinkedIn,
perfect and in fact, so Iknow you have. Do you have
any speaking engagements coming up that youwant to talk about here? I don't
have anything that I guess for public. I have different associations and groups that
(44:40):
I'm working with, but I amalso I've just launched the coaching business that
I have, so that's my bigfocus, and speaking is something I do
on the side as well. Soundsgreat, So for everybody, go to
the website and all the information willbe there for you. So so,
Christianna, thank you so much,or for coming on for writing the book.
(45:02):
This has been a blast. Thishas been a lot of fun.
Thank you so much, Alan forhaving me. You're very welcome. Please
be good human beings and focus onthe positive things that you can pay forward.
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