Episode 52 - The Night I Interviewed Todd the Guy

Holiday Gun Play, Sandwich Shield, Motorbike Men and a Stranger in the Shower.

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Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Hi, do you know if there'sa good place to go dancing in town?
No? I don't. I don'tdance, and I pretty much come
to work and go home after.Believe it or not, I don't want
to be around drunk people in myofftime. What can I get you,

(00:36):
drunk barbarians? Welcome to episode fiftytwo of the award winning podcast Behind Bars,
Cocked Tails and Wasted Nights. I'myour host, Craig. I've been
working as a bartender for over twentyyears, and over those years, I've
seen a lot. My goal hereis to share some of those high and
low lights with you. Quick warning, this podcast contains sex, drugs,

(00:58):
and some languages. Isn't suitable foranyone under twenty one years of age,
so you gotta have some id okaybarbarians. First off, we got some
business attend to. I want tothank cl Smooth sixty nine for a tremendous
five star review and a flutter byseventy six. Go fuck yourself you're eighty
six and check out the Patreon linkin the show notes. For three bucks

(01:19):
a month, you get access toCounterpoints, which is some premium content featuring
guests. Even more inebriated than normaltalking about outside the bar stuff. Also,
I started a new podcast about adventuresin dating with a couple of friends,
Jess and Laura. It's called BetterOff Single and it's available in all
your favorite podcatchers. Link is inthe show notes. Okay, now that

(01:42):
that's out of the way, braceyourself because I have a humdinger for you.
I interviewed Todd the Guy, along time pal and fellow boostlinger around
the corner from my spot. Butbefore we get to that, you'll need
a drink. Todd was going tosuggest the uti of Vacca cranberry, but
then went with the white trash ofVacca chocolate milk, and then settled on
the PB and J a PBR anda shot at Jamison. It reminded me

(02:06):
of Mad Bull's Tavern and Sherman Oaks, where I suggested a special consisting of
paps, blue ribbon and a sideof hummus and Peter bread. I called
it the Pap Spear. The Bossdidn't go for it. Anyways. If
you don't have that stuff handy,a shot at tequila and a healthy amount
of Booker sugar will do the trick. Okay, without further Ado. Here's
Todd the Guy. All Right,everybody, thanks for joining us for episode

(02:30):
fifty two of Behind Bars, Cocktailsand Wasted Nights. I'm your host,
Greg, and I am here witha friend. I've been trying to get
in here for a while. He'sbeen doing it for a long time.
He's got stories for days. I'mhere with Todd the Guy. Todd,
what's up too much? Man?Who are you? Greg? I'm good?
Thanks for coming, man, Ireally appreciate it. I know it's

(02:50):
a bizarre situation in the closet.Yeah, a couple of guys in the
closet. How weird. Sol Deepin the closet, we're finding Christmas presents.
So um so, Todd, I'dlike to start things off with you
know how you got into it,your origin story. But first I gotta
folks. He has like the best. He always names things. He's got
names for everything. Um, youknow, and a lot of times when
people party, they call that alittle a little white crusty line in your

(03:15):
nostril vcr visible coke residue. ButTodd has a much better name for it,
Todd. We want to share thatname. Whatever. Yeah, the
Felony Ring, the felony ring.Come on, that's way better. We
need to make the felony ring athing. Get rid of the VCR.
This is genius. And what areyou? You're a cheetah walking on the
What are you saying in the texttoday? Street walk and cheetah? The
heartful of napalm? Street walk andcheetah with a heartful of name palm,

(03:38):
folks, that's what's going on.Stooges tune there? Oh nice? Nice?
Oh yeah, you like the punkrock When we did karaoke, you
were you were lightening it up withthe punk. Yeah. I like all
kinds of different stuff. Yeah.You were in a band for a while.
Yes, he played trumpet right,bugle bugle badly and you you sang
right? Yes? Oh nice.What was the name of the band,

(03:59):
stunning con It was a cow's coverband, Oh my god, the stunning
cunts. You know what the differencebetween a women's track team and a band
of pigmiess? Do tell uh?One is a cunning bunch of runts?
Thank you. I've heard that before, I forgot Yeah, it's not mine.

(04:19):
It's a street joke, all right. So we got the felony ring
out of the way. We gotthe stunning cunts. So when you're not
bugling badly and singing for the stunningcunts, um, you're you're bartending.
You're behind the stick. Yeah,bartend do some carpenter work. Hence Todd
the guy, the guy. I'mthe guy. I'm the guy. If
i'm the guy LC if you needanything built or fixed, Todd is the

(04:43):
guy. He's the guy. So, uh, what do you like better
working? Uh, as I'm theguy or you like bartending better. I
like a little bit of both,man, a little bit of balance.
What I work is, I'm theguy. I'm the guy. I work
alone a lot so Um. Thesocial side of thing. Bartending's nice.
Yeah, you run into a lotof people you wouldn't otherwise run into.

(05:05):
Um, how long you've been doingit the bartending? Oh I did it
for ten years, got fired,took about five years off, and just
got back into it last December.How'd you get fired? Being drunk?
Classic break and shit. Um lefta fucking huge maskball night and pretty much

(05:25):
left the owners with no choice.Okay, yeah they had to. They
had to do it. Yeah,you're like, uh, call him the
next day like, hey, Iunderstand, I'm just gonna do it for
you. I'm gonna resign. Well, I was going on vacation for ten
days and I said, I'll talkto you when I get back. So
when I got back, I gotthe axe. Oh Jesus. And so
you took a little break. Youwere the guy. You still are the

(05:46):
guy. And now you're back behindthe stick. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Aren't you at the same place yougot fired from? Yes, damn,
oh man, you must have.They loved me. They just had
to fire you for a while.Yeah, put you in the corner for
a little bit, punish you feelthe shame. And this was at the
HT, Yes, all right,and that was ten years the HT.

(06:08):
It's a really cool bar, localhunt in town. And you must have
seen some stuff there, seen afew things. Yeah, I heard he
had an interesting Christmas, interesting holiday. Yeah, that was at the other
bar, Capitol Hill, the Satellite, which I also worked out on Saturday
nights. Go see him, folks, Um, what what what went down

(06:31):
on Christmas? Your holiday at theSatellite? Oh? It was Christmas Eve
on into Christmas. Uh. Thisguy came in and he was drinking double
shots at tequila, keeping an eyeon im. He's having about one an
hour. Everybody was there for abouta solid six hours drinking water. Good
thing was he had a big watercash. He just moved in up the

(06:54):
street, said he was walking,kept to himself, didn't cause any trouble.
He was starting me twenty box everyround. Okay, yeah, you
let it keep going. I keptfeeding him. Yeah. So eventually,
um, later on in the evening, this girl came in, um started
flirting with him, and then hegot a little too grabby with her and

(07:15):
had to be told to knock itoff leave her alone. Um, so
he did. For a second.I was down the other end of the
bar, a really small place,um fucking to some people. I turned
around. He's doing it again,and the patron's like, hey, dude,
back the fuck off, leave heralone. She doesn't want you bothering
her. So he pulls a fuckinggun out of his what, cocks it

(07:38):
and points it right at this fuckingguy. And so, yeah, interesting
situation there. I was like,whoa, whoa, whoa. Got him
calmed down there and put the gunaway, and uh telling him he had
to leave. And so he getsup to go, and the guy he
pointed the gun at now zact toughand wants to fight, and so the

(08:00):
I goes to pull the gun outagain, drops it on the floor.
At this point, now the gunson the floor kicked it across the room.
Nice. A couple of patrons grabbedhim and started to lump him up
on his way out the door.Nice, give him a little going away
present. Yeah. A patron pickedup the gun and I was like,
give me the gun, give methe gun, and she's just staring at
me. So I had to,you know, raise the voice and turn

(08:22):
on the manson lamps, like giveyour fucking gun right now. So she
hands the gun over and I wrapa towel around it and put it behind
the register and get this guy outside. And he got pretty beat up on
his way out, and I hopeso, yeah, he deserved it at
that point, Mary fucking Christmas.So he had enough kind of convinced people

(08:45):
to stop letting him have it.You know, he got the boots pretty
heavy style, I guess, andhe's bleeding out of his eye or whatever
above his eye, and so Iget people to go back inside and there
he is on the phone. Outthere. He calls the cops himself.
Somebody took my gun and tells himI've been assaulted at the bar here and

(09:07):
they took my firearms. I guesswhen they mentioned that, you know,
the cops were in a hurry toget there. Yeah. Meanwhile, he
had a moment of clarity, tookoff on foot. He's gone, the
cops show up, they come inand grabbed the gun. And that was
basically it. He said, ifhe comes back looking for it, tell
him we have it. And yeah, picking up at the police station.

(09:28):
Not many questions asked, they werejust on their way. So that was
pretty interesting. Wow, that's aChristmas Yeah Jesus. All right, So
there you go, folks. Thisis why I like to do this podcast,
because people who do like project managementdon't have guns pulled on them on
Christmas Eve. Doesn't really go.You have that on your resume, I'm

(09:48):
able to disarm somebody. I've actuallynever had a resume. Really, Yeah,
how did you get your bargain?Just lying to the people, just
talking to him or my drinking thereenough ntil you get absorbed exactly. That's
how you got the HT. Yeah. Okay, I've actually known the owners
for a long time. Okay,so ten years ago they just put you

(10:11):
behind there and just let you go. Well, I moved back to town.
I was up in North Idaho fora couple of years building homes and
came back in two thousand and eightand hooked up with this old friend and
the next thing I know, she'spregnant, and it's like, shit,
I need any job. And Iwas living right up the street from the

(10:31):
Highland there and just started working there. And I think I was working the
door at first, and I pickedup some bar shifts and ended up there
for ten years. Jeez. Anduh so you got anything that compares to
the satellite that went down there?Not quite like that, No, But
there's there's one night the motorbike clubguys were in there from down the street

(10:54):
there, and they're out on likethe it's not really a patio where the
garage doors are opened. There's alittle hangout areas maybe like three foot by
twenty foot long outdoor area with arailing. So they're all hanging out there
and they got their jackets on withthe patches and all that, and the

(11:15):
cuts the cuts. Yeah, sothis kid goes out there and thought he'd
be cute, and I guess hesaid to him from what some other bystanders
told me, you guys got matchingjackets. Wow, are you an item?
Oh my god, god, dude, what yeah, yeah, yeah,
idiot. It's funny because this kidwas like smoking a cigarette and he

(11:37):
had his fingers. Well, hegot knocked out cold. All the motorbike
guys took off on foot after that, so he just kind of laying out
there on the concrete, cigarette burningbecause that's still burned between the fingers,
and I go out there and kindof nudge him with my foot, like,
hey, you can't sleep here,you know. So he finally wakes

(11:58):
up and like he must have beento take a drag before he went to
sleep, because the first thing hedid after he woke up, he was
like put the cigarette in his mouth. He'd like take take a tug off
of it. Somebody put his lifeon pause and totally totally and here we
are. We're back in it.Um. So he wakes up and he
doesn't know where the hell he isor what happened, and staggered around for

(12:20):
a little bit and then he tookoff and his hat was laying there,
so I threw his hat behind thebar. Maybe he'll come back for it.
Tomorrow. Well, the next daywhen I go to work, the
chef came in and he's like,huh, that's my spice guy's hat there.
Why is that there? And Iwas like, oh, well,
let me tell you. Yeah,so I told him the store and he's

(12:41):
like, holy shit. Yeah,so the guy got his hat back,
I guess, but I never sawhim drinking there again. Yeah, I
wouldn't either. Those guys, Uh, they're cool, man. They came
in to my bar once and someonegot the idea that he was gonna record
the cuts, like go behind themand record their like jackets, like make
a video. He's like, oh, did you get a cool video with

(13:01):
there? He's like yeah, He'slike, oh, let me see it.
Took his phone and just like threwit off the like Patty on the
second floor, like fifty feet,and the kid was like, yeah,
that's cool. I get that.Yeah, what are you gonna do?
Yeah, you're gonna just get anew phone. They were always pretty cool
in their respective you know. Um, it's kind of surprising sometimes the biggest
and meanest of looking guys will goin there in order a bud light Lime

(13:24):
and then play like, um teenagegirl music on the jukebox there. You
know, I don't even know whatit was, but it was like,
Wow, what the fuck is thesong they play in the movie when the
Girls getting the Makeover. It's just, uh, pretty weird. I had
I had a door guy at thekaraoke bar where I worked. He was
a monster monster and he would drinktequila Rose. Remember that was like Bailey's

(13:46):
Iris cream up with the quila andit tasted like floral and sweet. It
was pink. Yeah, it wason the rocks. I'm like, what
are you doing, dude, You'reinviting a fight. But yeah, he
was awesome. Dude. I've seenhim just like waste people and he's like
Q Rose. Okay, but itwas like aluminum cans. Yeah, It's

(14:07):
like it's like stadium beer. Fuckingawful. Yeah. Yeah. Um so
Todd at the HC. You guys, you guys have a pretty great venue.
I love getting the uh what's thatthe pastrami one with the egg the
bombs, the tater tots. Uh. You guys are known for having some
really good sandwiches. Yeah. Yeah, that white haired fucker came in,

(14:28):
um what's his name, Gifietti umand basically boosted the sales overnight sensation.
Um, but enough about him.Um guy Fiara, whatever his name,
I call him the white haired fucker. But um, I love that guy.
I love the Shane Tours bit onhim that he does on Cone Amazing.

(14:48):
But anyway, so uh so GuyFieri's there, and well get off
of him. Um story I wantedto tell you. It was about the
night the afternoon guy through it sandwichat me. Pretty fucking funny. So
his cat called himself Miami. Hemoved from Miami. He would come in
and drink his rum and cokes,and he had this thing where he would

(15:11):
buy a rum and coke and hewould pay for it and then go do
his thing and he'd come back foranother one. He'd get the drink and
then like turn and walk away andnot pay for it. So I started
him a tab, you know,and he was friends with some of the
regulars there, so I figured Iwould always get paid. Well, he
would do that a couple of times, and then like the third time,
he would come back and then tryto just pay for that third drink and

(15:31):
I'd be like, well, youstill owe me for the other two,
and he'd be like, no,no, I've been paying your cash the
whole time. So I was like, all right, now he didn't and
he's kind of getting mad at me. So whatever, we had this thing.
A week later, fucking does itagain all over. So we went
back and forth with that bullshit afew times. One Sunday he came in
and I was kind of in afucking mood. Maybe he was a Saturday.

(15:54):
I think I was working Thursday,Friday, Saturday. So by the
time Saturday rolled around, I wasfucking done with people. Yeah, you're
done. And so he came inand did it a couple of drinks and
then he sat down and got theTurkey Club sandwich. Um. He came
out and he's like, all right, well i'll pay my tab. Well,
there's three drinks and so the onethat he just ordered plus the sandwich,

(16:14):
and he's like, you're ripping meoff. And I was like,
no, no, no, dude, I'm sucking onto you. I'm tired
of your fucking bullshit. Here's yourfucking tab, pay it or whatever,
and he starts fucking yelling at me. So I just I was like,
you know what, you're done.Fuck you you're eighty six. Um.
Yeah, So I grabbed his fuckingplate. It's like this rectangle plate and
it's got the sandwich on it,and I'm pulling it away taking so he

(16:37):
grabbed each half of the sandwich infucking each hand, and um, I'm
holding the plate up, you know, as a shield because he's winding up
and at me. So he's soridiculous turkey sandwich and half of the time
at me, and I'm like blockingit with this fucking plate from like ten
feet away, you know, andthe food's everywhere point, you know,

(17:00):
like the owners there and a coupleof people just grab him and put him
outside and he's eighty six. Yeah, that was I was laughing so fucking
hard that I couldn't like be apart of throwing him out anything about it.
Yeah, it's just too funny.It's too but you're almost in a
good movie. Like I was justblocking a sandwich with a plate like a
shield. Half the bar was fucking, you know, laughing pretty hard because

(17:22):
it was funny to see. I'msure, Oh my god, dude,
this is this is what we gothrough at work. Guys. Yeah,
oh my god, that's amazing.So you've been doing it, uh,
Hild's Tavernton, You're what about uh, you know the fun stuff. Lots
of fun stuff. Yeah and thereyeah, like you know you like,
you know, you're the guy.It's not really social. You know,
you're working, just you just withyour thoughts in the zen moment. The

(17:47):
bartendant does get social. Some ladiesin the picture, or there's some booze.
All bets are off the owners,aren't there, you know what I
mean? Yeah, there was,there was a lot of fun to be
had there. Um, you know, a couple of waitresses, um,
other bartenders. Nice. That's theonly time I've been fired, well all

(18:08):
right, except for one other time. But when I start like getting involved,
like I've learned my lesson, LikeI don't do it now, you
know what I mean. Okay,I've done it twice where I am now,
but like I don't do it becausethen it always it goes south for
me all the time, Like Idon't know what it is. It just
gets complicated. Yeah, I thinkit's not gonna be this time around.
Now that I'm back, I'm tryingto stay away from that. Um,

(18:30):
there's obviously some interest. So there'ssome new dude working here, you know,
Like yeah, when you're the newYeah, it's just like stop cutting
out. Yeah, when you're thenew blood, it's like everyone's like everyone
starts crushing on the new person allthe time. It's just it's just weird.
And then it happens. There's onein particular there that Jesus Christ.
She says the craziest shit and she'skind of cute, but Jesus Christ,

(18:52):
she's got this catshit breath. It'sjust fucking ruined it. That's hilarious.
Yeah, that's the toughest thing totell somebody too. Yeah, what do
you do, Like, listen,I can't have that on my deck.
I have no interest. Whatever youexhale, it smells like a pregnant catches
Pete and Christ. You can't backoff far enough. You know, you

(19:17):
would think with COVID after the mask, everybody would have solved that problem.
Come aware yourself. Yeah, ohshit, nobody told me about this.
You got to start bringing packs agum with me and just like Todd,
I gotta tell you a story.Hold on, have that you go verbal
orders, definitely write them down forme. I don't want to. I
don't want to talk back to thesix foot rule. Yeah, um,

(19:40):
So give me an example of someweirdness with with HT staff. Oh shit,
man, I don't know. Itdoesn't have to be that realm.
Not that realm, not that realmI'm talking about, like, like,
do you guys ever like hang outsocially after is it get weird? You
guys party together after parties? Usedto hang out, you know a lot
once the doors were locked, butyou hang out and play pool sometimes,

(20:02):
so four or five, six o'clockin the morning, and you know,
do the stuff that people do,and that keeps you up a little later,
you know. And oh yeah,the Egyptian what'd you call it?
Yeah, the Egyptian talking powder.But that's in years past and that shit
doesn't go on anymore. That's anew one for me. And I've heard
a lot. Oh yeah, Iused to do like when I was a

(20:25):
bus boy. We would like lockthe doors at the end of the night,
and they would take all my moneyback with cards, like I would
just scamble and lose it all.But we would stay there, pull the
curtains so the cops wouldn't come inbother us and stuff. And we've got
to get out by eleven when theowners show up, you know, in
the lights yep, yep, asmany a night. I've given all my
tips back to many bartenders. Arethese the only two bars that you have
worked in? Like, have youever done like like food service, like

(20:48):
fine dining anything like that? No, I never have. These are the
only two places I've worked at.I know the owners of both places personal
friends of mine, so they're prettyawesome. Place is like people like would
love to get into them to workthere because they're like gold mines for sure.
Out Yeah, I did, AndI don't know that I could work
at many other places. I'm notthe type of guy that can handle having

(21:12):
a boss and somebody that's making myschedule, you know, working there,
it's like, hey, do youwant Sunday nights? Yeah, okay,
Sunday night it is? You knowyou want Saturday night over here? Yep,
I'll take Saturday. So that's it. You know, that's pretty like
you just pick your spots and that'sjust it. You know, what they
offer is what you get, andyou take it or leave it, and

(21:33):
um as shit olpens uct you canget more, but I'm pretty happy with
that just now. Two days aweek is plenty and you get to like
you get to tell people like whatthe fuck's up? Like where you work?
Like I have to be like Ican't even I'm not allowed to say
no. It's like, oh,do you have coronam? Unfortunately I carry
a different style of Mexican lagger?May I recommend that to you? You

(21:55):
know, I can't just go no, you know, so we don't carry
it. Yeah, you get tojust tell them. You get to give
them a what four? You know? Yeah, And there's so many times
I like, I get people like, oh, dude, give me a
Corona. Everything's a Colorado beer.You got PBR. That's a different state.
It's a Colorado beer. What doyou have? I have this fucking
menu, you know what I mean? You could have looked at that the

(22:17):
whole time. Yeah. Yeah,since I've been back at the tavern and
only working on Sundays, you know, they got twenty four beers on tap
there, and the menu's not reallyup to date all the time, you
know. So I give people themenu and it's like, well, shoot,
I don't know if we have thator not, right we do?
I don't know. I worked hereone day in a week, so let's
see. In that instance, Ilike to go. I like to slide

(22:37):
them the menu and go here wehave most of these. Yeah, exactly,
hopefully hit it right. You know, what about your shift on a
Sunday annoys you the most, Likelike what type? Like what happens?
What sets you off? Because I'veseen you in there, man, like
you're so busy, You're handling likeall over one hundred people yourself. Yeah,

(23:00):
well, I love it when it'slike that. Um goes by fast.
Yeah, it kind of sucks whenit's slow. M got to talk
to people. Yeah, yeah,I don't know. The neighborhood's so different
now than it was like ten yearsago. There's a lot of entitled type
people in here in the neighborhood.They're a lot harder to deal with.

(23:22):
But I've gotten better. I guess. I try to be nice to everyone.
You get people who've never worked inthat industry. They've never like,
they've probably never moted a long,they've probably never been punched, right right,
right right? You know, youget the girls got the lip job
on Friday to go out for theweekend. It looks like they got hit
with the fucking cast iron frying panright in the mouth. You know,

(23:45):
it's like Jesus Christ. You getstung by the fucking be what's going on?
Are you allergic? It's really hard. Another thing, I guess what
annoys me the most is the fuckingjukebox where everybody makes it there fucking living
room. You know. The can'thave that things drives me fucking crazy.

(24:06):
You gotta like set the tone inyourself, Like atmosphere is everything. Whenever
I walk into a bar, firstthing, I look at lighting TVs.
And then I like tune into themusic, like what's going on? And
juke boxes? Man, I can'ttell you. I'm like, who fucking
played this ship? And then it'slike it's not it's not a theme,
it's not a genre. It's justall over the road. Yeah yeah,

(24:26):
And it becomes a competition, anduh it can be awful, especially like
when it's like not your stuff,Like yeah, I did have a guy
come in a few weeks ago that, um, I don't know. It's
like pimp daddy type guy. Hebrought these girls and half of them,
there's probably five girls or whatever,they had the frying pan lips, and

(24:49):
uh, he's like, hey,man, can I can you turn your
jukebox up? I'm gonna play somemusic here and he threw me at twenty,
so I was like, all right, that's cool. They ordered all
his food. They are he touchedit. The fucking photos. The Instagram
photo of selfies with himself had oneround. Their tab was like one hundred
and fifty fucking bucks and the guythrew me like another you know, I

(25:10):
think fifty dollars tips. So nice, that was cool. I could deal
with the shitty music. He wasa professional. Yeah he knew. That's
awesome. Uh what's the what's thebest tip you ever got? Oh?
Fuck? Probably like three hundred incash? I think, oh nice?
Nice. Yeah, we had this, Uh, I was in askment.

(25:32):
We had this woman who was involvedwith the Mary Kay fortune and she used
to be a server and uh nowshe's rich. So she would go out
and every time she go out,like it would be like your phone,
we get like a notification. Itwould be like another bartender. It's like
Nancy's in town. It's like,oh sweet, hopefully she comes to my
bar. You know. She driveda pink Cadillac and I think she married

(25:55):
the guy. And she would countup everybody that was working that was like
a bus, bus boy, buser, server, bartender and then everybody would
get one hundred dollar bill nice,just just to start, and then like
wherever the tab was close, itout Like I got eight hundred bucks once,
It's like holy shitta, gotta loveit, dude. But then it's

(26:18):
asthmen, so eight hundred goes prettyfast too. But yeah, that was
like my best one. She wasawesome. Um, and I gotta tell
you, like, you haven't bartenderedin a lot of other just Denver,
just Denver, just those two places. It's getting better. But when I
first got here, and maybe itwas the shock of coming from Aspen,
but like I've worked in New York, I've worked in Boston, I've worked
in la and Denver was like nobodyreally tips here. It's gotten a lot

(26:41):
better. It's gotten this time around. It's like, oh okay, Yeah
it was bad though the first fiveyears I was like, whoa, I
don't know if it's gonna work.Like like I have this theory, like
it's like Israel, everybody does ayear in the army. In the US,
everyone should do a year in therestaurant industry. Yeah. Yeah,
and then like everyone will understand andwhen ship gets sucked up, it's cold.

(27:02):
I know how to tip like itjust you know, it's not a
fucking exact science satellite, you know, for where it is coal Fax.
It always surprises me the tips.They're forty fifty percent, you know.
So, yeah, you're you're insome awesome spots. Man, you're crushing
it. Yeah, I feel prettydamn fortunate about that. Is it the
section of coal Fax that's kind ofquestionable, it's totally questionable. All the

(27:26):
businesses around they're fucking gone. It'sright by the capitol. M oh yeah,
so you're dealing with all the walks. You know, a couple of
those really cold nights this winter,people coming in just trying to warm up,
and you know, yeah, youcan't give them a fucking inch because
they'll take a mile. You know. Next thing you know, they're going
up to tables and drinking other people'sdrink. It's just you there. You're

(27:48):
the bartender, you're the bouncer,you're every fucking thing. So, oh
yeah, that's a lot. Youcan't give anybody an inch? Oh yeah,
like like homeless, like yeah,yeah, what do they call it
now? Houseless? I heard oncethey should call it home often because you're
always there. Wherever you are,you're there. That's horrible. I'm going

(28:11):
to Hell. I'll see you there. Yea. How long do you think
you're gonna stay in it? Man? I have no idea. I don't
know how long I can do it. But right now I just kind of
got my head down working a bunch, trying to put some money away.
And well, you also you alsofix bikes like you're like you're like a
like a mechanic that's like super talentedwith like beamers, right, classic BMW

(28:33):
motorcycles like seventy through two thousand andfive is kind of my expertise. And
what I like, so like isthe end goal maybe like open up your
own shop or something like that orno, I don't know, just something
you like to do. Yeah,it's more of a hobby. I tried
to do it for a living andI got burned out on it really quick
and I stopped working on my ownship. So um, I just do

(28:56):
it when the job is right.I get some calls still if it's a
nice money grab. Yea. IfI want to do it, I'll do
it. Yeah, you know,I don't have to do it. The
carpentry thing has been good again.I've been staying busy with that. So,
yeah, that's that's a lot offun. You know, it can
be. It's rewarding. Sometimes itsucks, but you know, well I'm

(29:19):
envious. Man. I can't buildor fix anything. So I see somebody
like come in and just like putsome shit together, I'm like, God,
damn, that's pretty awesome. SoTodd had an incident at his house
and he had to call nine oneone. I tried to get the nine
one one call. I paid thirtybucks. I had the date, you
gave me the date, the timethey had it. But then there was
a mental healthhold, so I couldn'tget it without a subpoena. And so

(29:44):
I was like, all right,we'll refund me. They're like, well,
we'll give you fifteen back because it'sfifteen dollars research fee. I'm like,
oh my god, So again fifteendollars. I couldn't get the call,
But can you tell the listeners ofwhat was going on? Yeah,
well I couldn't get any information onthe guy either. But anyway, Monday
afternoon, hanging out my kids overit's like two o'clock. This is in
August. I guess my neighbor acrossthe way I saw him out there,

(30:08):
and I went to talk to himfor a few minutes and saw who out
there? My neighbor, So Iwent and talked to him just across the
street. I shot at my frontporch. I didn't lock the door,
not thinking anything of it. It'sthe middle of the fucking day on a
Sunday afternoon, and feel my phonebuzzing in my pocket. I look at
it and my son texts me,why don't you tell me when somebody's coming

(30:32):
over, Dad? And I waslike, fuck, I'm not expecting anybody.
So I was like, hey,man, I gotta go, So
walk back across the street and geton my porch and I see these shoes
right next to the door. Yeah. I had a sense to take his
shoes off anyway. So I openedthe door and see this fucking guy completely

(30:52):
naked standing by my son's door.So, holy fuck, I'm seeing red.
I fucking go in. Aaron hithim a couple of times and the
gut he wasn't really fighting back,so I went pretty easy on him.
I grabbed him by the fucking hairand drug him outside, completely naked.
He's dripped, dripped, drying becausehe just took a shower. Oh my
god, and put him out outof the porch. Called nine one one,

(31:17):
yelled over to my neighbor, callednine one one. So I'm on
the well, you know, isit You can't even get ahold of the
fucking cops anymore. You gotta callnine one one. You can't even call
the regular number. But it waswhatever. Press one if you're angry too,
if you're if it's too late,three, if you're about to throw
your fucking phone, Yeah, exactly, you know. So I ended up

(31:37):
on hold for like four minutes.Oh my god, just naked goon outside
there. It was high on whateverthe fuck um meth must be the ship.
Yeah. So finally I get theoperator on the phone and telling her
what happened and this and that anduh they yelled back into my son,
did he touch you? Did hetouch you? And he's you know,
he finally answered no. Meanwhile he'shide in his closet with a knife.

(32:00):
Nice to go, fucking naked guytaking a shower with the door open.
That's fucking crazy. And uh so, anyway, I'm on the phone with
the operator and and she's like they'reon their way, they're on their way.
The guy goes, hey, Ineed my clothes. I need my
clothes. I said, need totake one step towards the door, and
I'm gonna fucking brain you, buddy. The operator responds, please don't brain

(32:25):
him. He's got them. That'sbad. So, you know, it
seemed like forever, but the copsfinally showed up. What was funny is
the one like drove right by thehouse. So I was like waving,
hey, fucking right here, andhe's like, you know, when he
when he finally got there, hewas like, oh, I was waiting
for backup in case we had to, you know, fight this guy if

(32:46):
he's high on fucking whatever. Iwas like, what about what about me?
You could have been I would havebeen your backup. Yeah, so
you know, they call them amental health issue. I kind of declined
the press charges at a moment becauseI was pretty fucking rattled by the whole
thing. Yeah, obviously, so, because I didn't press charges right then

(33:07):
and there, you know, theyhad some mental health unit come out and
they loaded the guy an ambulance andtook him to the puzzle factory or wherever
the fuck they got. And Icould never get any information about the guy.
I never found out who he was, where he's from, you know,
as he in the neighborhood. AmI gonna see this guy again?
But they wouldn't release anything to me, and that was pretty much the end

(33:29):
of it. Well, at leasthe was, you know, clean,
that's the important thing. Yeah,wherever he was going, I found like
a vial of I don't know ifthey call it fucking locker room or whatever.
Maybe he's huffing in the bathroom.Oh no, huffing stuff. Yeah.
I gave that to the cops.You know, they went in and
got his clothes off the floor,and they missed that was sitting there.

(33:51):
So I don't know if the guywas on meth or what the fuck,
but he was out there and mYeah, it's pretty crazy and we gotta
we gotta picture. People'll put itup on the Social Maids. Maybe we
won't, We don't know. IfI gotta. If you email us at
uh Cocktails and Wasted Nights at gmaildot com, I'll send you the picture
back so you can see this.It's it's bizarre, um, all right,

(34:14):
well that I think it's a postablephoto. I think he's covering his
junk. Yeah, and you don'tsee his face. You can't and you
can't see the crack of the ass. Yeah, that's for some reason.
That's like the you know what Imean. It's like, oh, we
can't see the nipple. We cansee all the boob, but we can't
see the nipple, and we can'tsee the ass but not the ass crack.
It's like, who makes these rulesat the censoring offices? There?

(34:35):
I want to see and they're rightthough. If I don't see the ass
crack, it doesn't really trigger anything. Yeah, you gotta see the whole
thing. How did they know there'sno brown eye, there's no you know,
no sack. He's got his handsover everything. No brown eye,
no sack. It's gone his face. So yeah, I think it's good
to go. And Todd did theright thing and he didn't brain them,

(34:59):
so that was all right, Todd. I appreciate you, swinging by man,
thanks so much for coming in.That was Todd the guy. Don't
show up at his house naked.If you do, definitely leave your shoes
outside on the porch. But hewill probably brain you this time. I
will all right, everybody, thanksfor listening. We'll see on the next

(35:19):
one. Cheers, cheerio. Well, it's last call, so let me
give you a tip. Don't bringyour baby to the bar period. And
if you can't get a sitter,don't stick your kids diapered ass on my
bartop. I mean, why doI even need to say this? Folks,
it's been a blast. You don'thave to go home, but you
can't stay here. And a callto my fellow boost slingers sending your stories

(35:43):
to Cocktails and Wasted Nights At gmaildot com. You can remain anonymous if
you'd like. Thanks for listening,subscribing, downloading, and spreading the word.
Don't be afraid to give me agood review, even if you're lying.
It really does help build our communityof barbarians. And check out my
video. Just close it on YouTube. We'll laugh, damn it. If
you want to support the podcast,like I said at the top, you
can do that on Patreon. I'vegot a series on there called Counterpoints,

(36:07):
and it's pretty hilarious. It's awhopping three bucks a month, but it
helps keep the lights on. Linksin the show notes. We'll see you
next time on Behind Bars, Cocktailsand Wasted Nights. Cheers