July 26, 2023 • 34 mins
The Whitest Mexican, How to Survive in the Desert, Prison and on Stage, I Ate All the Shrooms, Blacking Out, Don't be Dumb, Camp Lejuene, Post Show Puke
RICK BRYAN
https://www.rickbryancomedy.com/
EXTRAS
https://www.patreon.com/BehindBarsCockedtalesandwastednights
JUST CLOSE IT
https://youtu.be/63ITtPNdlFk?si=nTaoDEN-jQjeH3vw
RICK BRYAN
https://www.rickbryancomedy.com/
EXTRAS
https://www.patreon.com/BehindBarsCockedtalesandwastednights
JUST CLOSE IT
https://youtu.be/63ITtPNdlFk?si=nTaoDEN-jQjeH3vw
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Got a weird question for you.I'm in a bachelorette party and we're doing
a scavenger hunt, and I needa picture of Wait, why are you
grinding on me like that? Youneed a selfie of a guy giving you
a lap dance? Right, I'vedone this at least eight times. No,
I just needed a picture of medoing a shot. Oh so should
I stop or what can I get? You? Drunk Barbarians, Welcome to
(00:45):
episode fifty six of the award winningpodcast Behind Bars, Cocktails and Wasted Nights.
Arm your host Greg. I've beenworking as a bartender for over twenty
years, and over those years,I've seen a lot. My goal here
is to share some of those highand low lights with you. Quick warning,
this podcast contains sex, drugs,and some language. It isn't suitable
for anyone under twenty one years ofage, so you gotta have some ID
(01:07):
for this one. I interviewed RickBryan, a regular on my comedy shows.
Guy's hilarious, handy, and he'sgot that thing about him that makes
me think he's gonna take some giantleaps forward in this business we call show.
He's high energy, high IQ andmostly just high with a catchphrase like
don't be dumb. Rick likes toobserve and call out the idiots in our
(01:29):
little terrarium. And that's mostly becausehe spent the first half of his life
being dumb. But I'll let himtell you all about that. Notice how
high we are around twenty two minutes, when we have no memory of what
we were talking about, and feelfree to have a laugh at our expense.
Okay, before we get started,you'll need a drink for this one.
I asked Rick for his favorite cocktail. Pretty basic here, folks,
(01:52):
It's called what else. Don't bedumb? Grab a Collins glass or half
empty Snapple bottle, depending on whereyou are on the edit at scale,
pour an ounce and a half ofeighteen hundred coconut tequila over ice and talked
with unsweetened iced tea. Drink upand smarten up. And as always,
if you don't have eighteen hundred coconuttequila or unsweetened iced tea, handy,
(02:14):
line up a dragon tail, exhale, flare and stretch the nostrils for air,
powder intake, and prepare for takeoff. Then chase that Peruvian marching powder
with some holisco happiness and settle infor the listen. Okay, barbarians,
here's Rick Rami or Rick Brian.All right, barbarians, welcome to episode
(02:34):
fifty six. They're not I interviewedcomedian Rick Brian. Rick, Welcome to
the Shisy in the Closet studio.How you doing, Bunny, I'm doing
it funny. This is a while. Yeah, it's hilarious. I know,
you know the spreaker Budge doesn't giveme the amount I need to.
I gotta pay you comedians otherwise,I you know, fifty six. Uh,
you've had fifty six people in here? Ye did he say? People
(03:00):
have seen all the clothes I don'twear just sitting here. It's like the
sweater your mom buys you. Yougot to wear it when you see her,
you know what I mean. SoI gotta keep the ship. I
like how you turn it into astudio and said, oh, I still
will be utilizing this closet the close. Yeah. I'm very utilitarian and very
spartan, you know what I mean. I just take a little bit and
make a lot out of it.Hey man, this entertainment shit takes me
(03:21):
everywhere. You know, dirty laundrywherever dirty laundry. Most of this just
clean, except for what's on thefloe. I gotta let man. Everybody
you see from the homemade stage,in the comedy to podcasts and in the
closet. Well, I eventually gota good stage. It just took a
couple of years, so you know, the studios next. Anyway, how
are you this guy bust my balls? Like he complains about my stage and
(03:46):
how much I pay him all Ididn't even you know, it's just give
my mouth. I was like,oh no, it's hilarious. I enjoy
it. Right when you're talking shit, you know, you're just talking.
Baby comes out. Yeah, it'sjust like you wouldn't talk shit if you
didn't like me. Exactly when Imet, you know, Dicky Bill Wagner,
I don't wow. Okay, wellhe was doing comedy right about ten
(04:09):
years ago now, maybe been outof it for about four um. But
when I met him, he's like, I don't know, man, you
were sort of a dick. AndI was like, what do you mean.
He's like, keep telling me howstupid. I was like, yeah,
fucker, because you were funny.Duh. He's like yeah, but
I didn't know that. He goes. I kept I thought you'd calling me
stupid. I was like, ohyeah, because he made laugh. Was
(04:30):
like, dude, he's stupid.He got but heard about it. He
took it the wrong way. Yeah, yeah, I was talking shit.
Yeah I didn't like yeah, wouldn'thave talked to you. And he's been
out of comedy four years because hemisinterpreted your Nah so good so rick uh.
This is behind Bars Cocktails a waista Night's the reason I do the
podcast is to let people know wholike working offices, what the fuck goes
(04:55):
on in bars? Like see wherehe said behind bars, I thought he
man being locked up. Oh yeah, well you got you got stories about
that. It's funny. I hadto add the cocked tails and waisted nights
because there is behind Bars podcast aboutbeing walked out. Yeah. I wonder
if those guys like shit, Ijust thought of that. Now we went
(05:16):
have to change the cocktails and waistednights. I don't want to hit on
me. Shit, yeah they're fuckthem. Yeah, they'll never find the
com closets in your closets come throughthe part it's a fucking casino, hotels
that you live and nobody's finding wherefuck you live? Back, I know
the address. Still can't find whereyou live. It's like amazed, dude.
Yeah, it's ridiculous. It's likethe fucking MGM grand up in this
(05:40):
bitch. So how long you've beendoing comedy? Fourteen years now? Fourteen
years? Fourteen years? But like, like you were telling me earlier,
you got the kids three and theyall lived, they all survived. Great
job twenty four, twenty three,nineteen. So you're like double duty,
like a triple duty. You gota job, you're doing comedy, You
(06:01):
got the kids, kids are gone. Now you're gonna go pedal to the
metal. Huh. Daughter is stillin the house. So I ain't trying
to be just gone. But yeah, I'm trying to be gone. I
mean, I'm just trying to beout, you know, circulate. Just
get out there, Yeah, comeand go, come back and forth and
not have to worry about it.You get out. The more you get
out of Colorado, the right tolog yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
What's your what's your favorite place togo? Uh? Snappers Comedy Club
(06:26):
in Florida was that was a shitman. They let me headline that Halloween
weekend twenty nineteen. And I wantI'm I definitely want to make my way
back down there. But Laugh Factoryin Chicago, that show was that?
That was cool. I like that. Oh you did laugh Factory in Chicago?
Oh yeah, yeah? That roomwas the day I featured on a
Sunday Oh fuck yeah, dude,that was when Dick Black was doing comedy.
(06:46):
How how did that go? Iwas so nervous. It went good,
but I was so nervous. Ithrew up after the show. Whoa
was it coming up during your set? No? Just went away. But
then after I called my lady afterwards, I was like, that was so
fucking fun. I was like,I'm gonna throw up and she's like what
(07:06):
And I was like, I don'tknow what's happening right now. My nerves
are gaming. And she goes gooutside and I went outside and I said,
oh, there's so many people bloodhere. There was thousands of people
out there in Chicago. I waslike, fuck, ran back in through
the lobby to the back, threwup. I don't know. It was
the weirdest thing. Holy shit.I was just nerves, just that excited
(07:27):
that it didn't go back. Itwent well. That's all I did twenty
minutes on the Laugh Factory stage.It just wasn't a packed house, so
you know, it's that kind offeeling. I was just like hoping that
somebody saw me that I could comeback type shit. But afterwards it was
wild. Man. I threw up. Afterwards. I'm not going to say
the name of the club and I'mnot going to say the city I was
in, but I was invited back. And then we ended up like hanging
(07:49):
out just fucking party and blowing linesdrink until like four in the morning.
With the manager. He's like,dude, you're great, Like you know
when I have you back, likefor somebody big, like national was torn
like that was good shit. I'mlike great. The chick I was with
ends up fucking laughing her ass off. As we're all leaving, I'm like,
why are you laughing? She opensup her coat. She stole the
(08:11):
fucking brand new bottle of petrone fromthe place the guy could see it.
I'm like, ah, Jesus Christ, don't we get in our uber.
I have no time to like straightenit all out. And I was just
like, what am I gonna say, Oh, she stole this or like
whatever, and so he never answeredmy email. I'm like, you bitch.
But also we had a great timein the hotel with that, so
it was fine. Damn dude thatit was hilarious though she's Viniac anyway.
(08:35):
Um So, Florida Snappers, what'sup with the comedy club names by the
way, you know what I mean? Yeah, ver ridiculous to give you
a check with fruit on it,you know, And then when you go
to the improv and you're working theimprov, we're like, yeah, I'm
at the improv, Well you doimprov? No, motherfucker. Yeah,
(08:56):
the oldest comedy club and the goddamnlaunched everybody. Yes, who's your top
three? You got a top three? It always changes? Right now,
it's Toom Sagurro. I'm lost inthe fucking Burt Kreischer universe. He's not
my top comedian, but he isa comedian that's top on my list of
watching motherfucker's right now. I mean, and Dana Carvey has always been dude.
(09:18):
Did you see The Single White Malesixty his latest special? Yeah,
dude, that's amazing when he makesfun of the millennials, Yeah, oh
god, oh yeah, there's allimpressions. Yeah, but he is coming
at it from an old man.HU get I get off my lawn.
But he's always He influenced me whenI was little, just like the SNL
(09:39):
stuff, not thinking of yeah,hell yeah, just watching him, you
know, not knowing what I'm watching, but watching, I'm going Those guys
are fucking round, they're playing.Oh yeah, well everybody else is working.
Yeah, what did I hear theother day? He who does not
play becomes old quickly? Yeah?Well, actually I had Chinese in my
(10:00):
fortune, all working, no playing. Um, so you've been around,
you've been in these clubs, you'vebeen in and out. Have you seen
some weird shit that goes on inthese clubs with the drunk people, like
hecklers, people getting tossed, likeand he sex in the champagne room,
like any kind of weird shit.Champagne. There's no six in the champagne.
(10:20):
There's no fucking champagne in the company. Uh. Probably the heckler that
got handled by Jamie Kennedy at theComedy Works. So I was pretty interesting.
But I don't know. Jamie Kennedywas acting like a little bitch too,
so kind of brought it on himself. Well yeah, man, he
made like a game out of kickingpeople out of the fucking show, like
(10:41):
singing him out like Nina Nina,and had the whole audience we do when
we play poker. You know,my fucker gets out, We're like Nina,
we know. Yeah. So hewas doing it got to where he
kicked like a dozen people out ofhis fucking show. Whoa. But then
he went in on this this chickshe was She wasn't fine, but you
know she was high. She washigh maintenance. Okay, so hi,
(11:03):
yes, yeah, all day yes, coked out fucking Then her man was
all steroided out and Jamie Kennedy startedgoing out on him, and I can't
remember what happened. He said somethingand then Jamie's like, you fucking paid
to talk shit to me. Youpaid this one. He goes long,
you fuck about the money. Hegoes, I got more money than you,
motherfucker, and he goes fuck youand starts throwing hunters not Jamie,
(11:26):
and Jamie picks that sit up withhis pocket. They kick him out,
and then I go to the bathroomand he's like, you fucking stole money
from you. I was like,oh man, that's hilarious. So it
was funny to see that, butto watch Jamie do that I was like,
that's not comedy. You're just beinga little bit right. You're instigating
(11:46):
this crowning power of Yes. Yeah, I love it. When you get
him in the palm of your hands. It's no better feeling. It's no
better feeling. I mean, it'sgreat. My wife even points it out.
She's like, they're listening to you. Oh yeah, And I'm like
what She's like, even if evenlike you feel like you need laugh laugh
laugh, she goes, they arefully listening to you. That room goes
(12:07):
silent. It's like watching children listento teach a teacher talk. She's like,
it's crazy. And then you hita boom and then they just start
laughing. She goes, it's crazy. You have their full blown attention.
Yeah, you have like a reallyhigh energy style and it's like rapid fire
shit. So it's like even afterpeople have seen four or five comedians,
they've been laughing, they've been drinking, they're tired. So you're up against
(12:28):
it when you come and then youyou fucking get everybody, bring them all
back. It's awesome. I toldher before, I'm like, what's different
in this room? She's like,what, I assume we got here,
But he was doing their own thing. Little conversations did you have Except no,
I'm saying when you first back in, everybody's doing their own little thing.
(12:50):
There's not they're not coming together,they're not laughing as one, you
know, and they're not Their energyis not as high in the room.
And then when you do what Ido, I get off stage, it's
it's like a fucking care bear orsome shit. I'm just shooting that.
You can feel the energy when Iget off, manmofuckers are hyped up,
they're excited, and I'm like,I'm the fucking thing that changed in here.
(13:13):
Yeah. No, And that iswe have the electricity. Like I
was telling you earlier, it islike I can count on one hand comics
at Denver. Then I know ofanyway that I've seen who have that electricity.
It's contagious, man, you gotit. But it's nerve racking.
Oh absolutely. It's like, youknow, you're supposed to be the life
of the party. How the fuckdo you just become the life of the
(13:33):
party, especially if you're not justgetting loaded, you know what I'm saying,
Like Bert Cratcher is the life ofthe party. Yeah, because he
is partying like He's the life ofthe fucking party. I always say about
him, like I think he's hilariousas like as a pure whatever you want
to call it comic, but likethe guy want to hang out with that
every party and every cookout is him. Yeah. Yeah, he's a party
(13:54):
guy. That's what I was afraidof when I got into comedy. I'm
like, how do I do thiswith out doing it? Yeah, especially
if you're going up later. Yeah, because you're sitting there drinking, like
what are you gonna do? Andyou gotta sip You gotta really just hang
out. That's why I started doingtequila and iced tea that way. I'm
like, just give me a nicetea. Bring keep the iced teas coming,
right man. And you know,once you out of tequila and I've
had like four iced teas, yeah, because if you get hammered, it's
(14:15):
not gonna go. You looked umYeah, you know you say you start
slurring, Yeah, you're not thinkingI'm sharp. There's a comedian I won't
name who came into one of myshows and like the comic that was on
at the time was bombing. He'slike, put me up, I'll save
this because he was so drunk andbeing arrogant. I'm like, okay,
I'll put you up there for fiveminutes because that's all I could tolerate him
bombing. Yeah, he won't shutup. He will keep going whether he's
(14:35):
bombing or not. Oh no,he was embarrassed. It was embarrassed two
minutes into it, and he felthe knew he made a mistake. It's
not easy, man, it's it'snot the funny. Funny, he's not
the that's not the hard part.Being funny is the easiest fucking part of
comedy. It is all eyes onyou. It is. There's nobody talking.
It's a one way fucking conversation.People like you're high. I'm like,
(14:58):
yeah, God, damn, runI'm high. This is weird.
Yeah, this is a weird situation. Yeah, these guys are in a
lower phone. Yeah, if theystart talking, they're not supposed to.
Like, it's just me talking oneway. Yeah, I'm I I'm fucking
shit. You're craziest we're doing iswild. Yeah, it's a weird thing,
man. So how did the Floridathing come about? By the way,
(15:18):
you're based at Denver. I'm ahandyman, Okay, I own my
own handyman business. I respect thatbecause I can't build or fix anything.
I can fix everything. And I'vemy house. I flated everything that I
was told to build. I've builtit. That's awesome, dude. I'll
hang out with you if the shiphits the fan, Oh yeah, no,
I can. Otherwise, not onlycan I build a fucking spot.
I know how to live in thewild. Like when I was sixteen,
(15:41):
they threw me in the Utah Desert. Ladies and a gentleman. I'm doing
an interview with a Brambo. Ryanis stupid now and I was a juvenile.
I could getting in trouble. Iwas locked up from like fourteen to
eighteen, off and on. Sowait, you're saying you were behind bars.
I'm telling you that this is bars. Love it and uh it's called
(16:03):
a ya Aspen Youth Alternatives and theytake inner city kids and take them to
the middle of fucking nowhere and literallyteach them how to live. We were
drinking out of the streams. Yougotta put iodine drops in it, and
if you put too many drops init, you got the ship. So
(16:26):
yeah, the apocalypse HiT's dog Igot I got me. We had an
outward bound on the East coast.That's what the same thing was. I
know about outward bound. Here thisis a step up from outward bound.
Yeah, because like we went out, there's no tens. It's a tarp
and the same tarpe they give youto make your backpack to put your shit
in the hold is the tarp thatdid. You have to figure out how
to set up for shelter. Andit was from December first to January twenty
(16:51):
ninth, and it was sleet,snow. I don't get fuck this desert
not gets freezing cold and it snows. It snows, it snow during the
day. It's now three days straight. C we cry, we were frozen.
They don't take you in. Yougot to complete all the course.
Two people died, two kids died. Maybe probably about twenty fifteen. Maybe
(17:12):
welcome to the comedy podcast everybody,Dude, I was the fourth group to
go out. Wow, I wasa test monkey group. Well, those
kids learned their lesson, didn't they, Dude, I learned those guys ain't
doing shit. So you haven't beenin trouble since that. Yeah, I
don't mean no one's gonna put youin a desert. That was the beginning.
Of trouble. For hell, thatwas sixteen. Now I had to
(17:34):
escape the authorities and I was outlastedin the while. After that, they
threw me in a group home fora year and a half. Oh shit.
And then I turned eighteen. Sothen I started going to regular jail.
Started going to regular jail almost everycounty we have here, dude,
And I'm not like robbing people ornothing like driving with no license, driving
(17:55):
with no insurance type of shit andnot getting pulled over because I don't got
plates, no lights because of howit looked. I was younger and I
was driving a thunderbird. I wasbrown, and I got pulled over.
And next thing you because I evenasked him, iself, what I get
pulled over for? Uh? Noproof insurance? How did you know until
you pulled me over? What didyou pull me? So I got caught
(18:18):
in that trap and then I gotthe system YEP, and then I got
in a high speed chase. Uhwhen I was twenty Oh shit, what
do you have sit in the car. Don't be dumb. Yeah, I
fucking weed. No, I didn'thave him like cocaine. I said weed,
and I'll call. But weed wasillegal and I was tired of going
(18:40):
to jail shit, and so Iwas like, fucking catch me. Well,
I didn't go to jail. Iwent to prison. Oh god,
how long did the chase go onfor? Oh? They didn't catch me
till like five hours later, fourhours maybe four hours? Wow? How
long did that translate it to prisontime? I was facing ten to thirty
two Oh my god. And thenthey couldn't get me on first three assaulting
(19:03):
the police officers. So they gaveme nine for every They gave me a
year for every other charge they couldwrack up. And did you how much
of that did you do? One? I did boot camp, then I
went to prison. Boot camp.No, No, the fucking desert was
our sixteen Oh that's right, okay, I've already been prepped for man.
(19:25):
I mean the fact that they hadme hiking ten to fifteen miles a day
in the desert when I was youngerhelped. Yeah, definitely helped. Being
able to run in boot camp.But nothing prepares you for boot camp.
Man. It's fucked up. Prisonboot camp is fucked up. I have
nightmares this day. That was twentyfive years ago. Law lawsuit. Are
(19:47):
you traumatized by going to prison?Boot camp. Call us James, you
might be part of a nation one. Did the prison boot camp give you
messophilia? You drank from the river? Is that no? They have?
There is a thing going around rightnow Camp Lea June. You drink from
(20:10):
the water in Camp Lea June.Why am I getting that email? You're
gonna get to all the commercials therethe day if you don't go to work
on time you hear about That's whyI don't watch TV, Dude, I
just don't. Oh, no,fuck cable. They try. I just
got my phone switched over to Xfinity. Yep, they try and let me
happier with Xfinity. We'll see aboutthis, dude. I cut the court
(20:32):
a long time ago because like,no cable for me. You try to
let me with it and it'll onlybe another one hundred and seventy Just man,
the fucking fuck you one hundred andseventy two dollars to watch TV to
watch a show when commercials come on, You're like, what the show was?
I just watching Pay the Extra onHulu. Ah, dude, I
do get too high for that.I'm like, what am I even watchings?
I watching ladies? Like, areyou serious? Are you serious,
(20:52):
you don't know what you're watching rightnow. I'm like, fuck, no,
I mean and that comes on andI'm like, oh yeah, yeah,
yeah, I was watching Little Housewives. I think god seeing people tell
me that all the time. Man, They're like, I don't remember this
or that, and I'm like,and you don't smoke, ween, it's
not the weed. It's not theweed. I had an older brother and
some bunk beds, so a lotof head injuries. So that's what I
(21:14):
know all about that too. Yeahshit, um okay, wow, So
comedy podcast. We got a lotof prison, we got some uh some
boot camp, we got some fuckingdesert living. Yes, so I'm guessing
that you never took the family camping. Oh not really. Yeah, it
was a punishment for me. Ieven told once that I'm sorry. This
sucks. You know, I don'tlike being out here. This fucking suck
(21:38):
brings it all back, dude.Yes, man, I don't like it
either. I listen to a lotof true crime. A lot of people
get murdered in tense. You gotthe animal attacks. Anyway, what's the
point I don't listen that true whogets into like just I'm gonna go sleep
outside in the woods. We're homeless. I got paid twenty one fifty stay
inside, but I canna be homelessright now? All that shit I think
they should call it home often.Yeah, thank you up here all night.
(22:00):
Didn't you try to stake It's fantastic, right, It's all right,
keep it walk all right? Best? What hold on? You asked me
something that took us down that yellowbrick row. Oh what you were doing
and get in trouble? I thinkno, No, it had nothing to
do getting in trouble. It tookus to the desert. Shit. He
(22:22):
said something apocalypse I end up goingthere. What you asked? Oh,
I'm saying, like you say,apocalypse hit, then you can build shit.
I'm hanging with you, dude.Yeah, but there was something you
ask me. If only there wassome way we could go back. It's
more fun to listen to what theship will we just say let's move along?
All right? All right, movingalong all right? I love when
you do a white guy impersonation.That's pretty hilarious. That's just the brilliant
side of me. Tonight. Wehave increasing darkness. It's becoming Romero real
(22:47):
quick, right out. Who's wearWolf? Who's Romero? Here it comes
is that the keeler bring it out. Yeah, Romero does come out,
come out too well. And Idon't drink and that dude when people say
they killed man, I can't handletequila? What do he means alcohol?
Yeah? Last time, dude,I drank three bottle. What the fuck?
(23:08):
Don't be dumb. Yeah, drink. I'm having an ass. I'm
having three to five fucking shots maybe. And if I'm having five shots that
we're just too many. We're gettinginto the too many range. Motherfucker's drinking
paints and fucking don't be dumb.It's so funny, dude, Like I
can't really drink unless I'm working.No, I could plow some shots,
dude. Nahe a lot. Iwas a Budweiser man, I could drink
(23:30):
a twenty pet Dude. That's that'sinsane your beer. That's a lot.
Oh. I know. So Iwas growing increasingly man, like I've been
losing this ship. Man, lookup, I'm on the fatcans diet.
Yeah, no, I'm not fuckingI'm eating once a day. Wucka waka.
What was he gonna say? Oh? Fuck? What was I gonna
say? I have got contact offyou closet. Fucker've been a prison.
(23:56):
If we get trapped in here,you're fucked. Oh god, come on,
I'll give you a cigarettes in exchangefor protection. I smoke. I
figure something. I have a lotof diseases. How about you nasty some
big that you're just gonna get beatup? Yeah, a second in prison.
(24:19):
There's a lot of people. I'dlike. You gotta have something to
offer. Yeah, I wouldn't beable to ask gas grass. I'd be
like, I've been studying law.I could help you with your legal everybody
is in their studying law. Letme think this over before I commit a
major crime. You gotta have aplan. I was gonna say, what
were we talking about? Dude?All right? Oh oh, I was
(24:41):
gonna ask you. I was gonnaask you your your worst show. It's
got to stand out right. Youmust have had like a your worst bomb
ever. We was open Mike timewhen some lady never like in a feature
like paid gig, you've never fuckedup? Oh yeah, of course I
fucked up, but no, nothingto shut me down. You see how
(25:02):
I am? Yeah? Yeah,if it fucking doesn't work, oh just
me, okay, anything I throwthe voice out there something. Nothing just
goes un done. If they don'tlike the joke, I change the accent,
I changed the voice. That getsa laugh, something gets a laugh.
I don't let it just fucking evenif it's fuck you, no,
big you. And I started talkingto me. I see right there,
(25:25):
you're already laughing. Yeah, yougot the weapons. Yeah. So I
really, honestly no in the clubsalmost passed out on stage drunk or just
like dizzy, nervous or like notgetting the foxygen Yeah, like I'm talking
too fast and I have to tellmyself to shut up and fucking breathe.
(25:45):
So I was on the improv atthe Denver Improv and I'm I don't even
know who the hell I'm working with, and I'm just going and going.
All of a sudden, everything startsgoing, yeah, starts going black towards
like a Loooning Tunes fucking circle infront of me, and I'm like,
oh no, don't fucking But thetime I'm saying to myself, oh no,
please don't pass out my mouth isthe back office is going to the
front office is still doing the job. I guess out of body experience I've
(26:11):
had on stage because I've had totell myself on stage get back in there,
because I'm over here going, oh, don't fucking pass up. Oh
no, what's going to happen?And this is going the out of pilot
is running, my mouth is running, and all of a sudden, I'm
just like breathe where everything came backin. I was like, whoh,
y'all didn't even know what happened.Yeah, but I didn't say that.
(26:32):
I can't explain it. It's gonnabe the only other time I freaked out
like that was happening was I wasdriving down twenty five and I had a
fucking carful of people. Oh god, we were smoking weed and I hit
it too hard and I actually fuckingcoughed, and everything said it didn't go
to the circle. Okay, theywent black. Oh god, I'm cruising
(26:52):
down the highway black. But Ican hear everything. You were like the
guy in Metallica, a piece ofmeat that kept living, dude. Yeah,
yeah, I just grabbed a holdof the fucking screen wheel and just
again beep, fucking breath and shoom. Everything came back and I was looked
round. I'm like, y'all,I don't know, y'all, almost just
die and it's hilarious now, yeah, but it forever kill Everybody'd be like,
(27:22):
Hey, what's up, guys,It's good to see you guys again.
Dude, everything in my life,dude, I get like that.
When I smoked weed. You shouldremember the gravity hits you're doing the sink
out of like the milk carton.Yeah, I do one of those.
Then I wake up looking at myown reflection in front of the sliding door.
Yeah. We had a couple ofhomies. Are pussies super I am
super good at drugs, just notthat one that's super good at weed.
(27:47):
Yeah you are. I can't.I can't do it, man, Like
I didn't, like I thought Icould do it. I went home.
I'm in this beach on the lakeand I smoke we with these people.
I'm like, I have to goinside. And I'm inside looking at the
ceiling and the fucking ESPN crawl startsgoing across the ceiling. It's not even
yeah, it's TV and that likemy buddy's coming. He's like, oh,
(28:10):
you are right. I'm like,you're turning into a cyboard right now,
that off of wheat. I mean, that would be dumb. No,
but it's the weed that brings itout. No fu, that's wild.
Yeah, it just happens due Ijust panicked, dude, don't happen
around each other. It's NonStop whilewe're smoking. Somebody's rolling breaking down one
to roll up another one, likewhen we play poker together our other cousins.
(28:32):
Like, I don't gonna do itgood, It's gonna smoke like,
man, fucking I got all thewindows open, I got an outside table
whatever. But then I look back, I'm like, oh, it's NonStop.
We're going nu. Yeah, airbody'sgame high. I love weed,
man, I don't know. That'sthe only thing that agrees with me.
Okay, so like the other stuffagrees with me. I always say that,
(28:52):
like I'll do shrooms to go tosleep. No fuck no, yeah,
don't be done. No. AfterI like fucking party, I'm like,
oh, I gotta fucking calm down. I eat a bunch of I'll
sleep so I don't freak out.Had a dream I was flying with Catwoman
and I was breaking off her costumeand eating it like candy. Oh,
you fat bastard. Yeah, Iguess saving the world. Shit here.
(29:19):
You ever do the hucinogens like acidtoo much on the other side. Okay,
oh no, you been there?Yeah, the devil go down with
me one night, man, andI thought it was a dream. I
was like, think, oh mygod, I rolled over and there was
a fucking lake of throws. Ohgod, a lake, not a puddle,
(29:40):
not a fucking lake, A fuckingthrow the carpet. Oh no,
it was just a big, old, big old fucking just a whole round
thing. If I was like,oh no, my Dad's like, oh,
I was ready to take you tothe hospital. I thought you were
dead. He goes, well,my dad is a bad biker dude.
He wasn't. No, I wasa pussy, you know what I'm saying.
(30:00):
Fucking man up. You won't takethem fucking drugs, you man the
fuck up? And how my memorwas this close your eyes and then just
for one brief second whatever you see. That's how it was for me fucking
hours doing that guy. It's ajourney. Try. I just saw my
dad who screatment and then nothing inthe devil and I was like, oh
my god, what the fuck washappening. That's where you gotta throw on
(30:21):
a sitcom and get the studio on. I was after it really helps.
We watch Natural board Killers. Hey, man, man up. I watched
like fucking Disney or Toy Stories.When I'm doing things by myself, I
do do the Happy Ship. Igotta watch Disney. I love. But
now when you went the Homies,they act them down. You gotta fucking
(30:42):
man up. The Natural board Killersgreat ideas. All scared ye off the
couch, Yeah, turn it off. You boats over there and you'm not
moving. Oh dude, I watchedlike fucking I watched Valerian in the City
of Thousand Planets tripping my face offon mushrooms during the hailstorm. I was
(31:03):
out in the hailstorm experiencing and thenit started to hurt, so I went
inside and I started watching this dude. Rihanna is all hot, but she's
like this bubble alien creature after shegoes out of her hum if anyway you
got to see it, check itout. Guys. I'm about so I
don't know about this. Oh,it's pretty great if you're on troops.
Valerian of the City I might havebeen if this motherfucker would have came through.
She invited me to his closet todo drugs, and then here I
am drug listeners. I was like, we talked about it, but I
(31:26):
didn't know. You're like I wasgonna smoke weed and drink. I'm like,
okay, cool, I'm gonna doyou know, and then like,
I ate the shrooms earlier and Iprobably should have saved. So just fuck,
that's true, all right, Rick, I'm sorry. I really appreciate
you coming in doing this. Ithought you have some questions. Oh we
did it. Oh we did great. This fucking half hour. It's awesome.
(31:52):
Um fuck, dude, next timeI'll have shrioms. We'll have you
back for a sequel. I hopeyou're into that. I'm always down,
all right, cool man, thanksfor it's too easy. Oh, let's
get your let's get some plugs in. What's your next show? What's your
website? With your Instagram? Wasto all that. I'll put up in
the show notes too, But let'sthink it's just Friday or Saturday. On
Saturday, I'm gonna be at Grandma'shouse, all right. Cool. So
(32:12):
for those of you who listen tothis podcast on Tuesday, you missed it.
Oh man, you missed my fuckingshow. You best. I'll be
in Montrose and August fifth, I'llbe at twenty twenty three, Yes,
twenty twenty three, when the Foxis come out in twenty twenty four,
ship coming out next week. Wegot time. You can see me in
Burdbank Comedy Festival. I'll be outthere and La doing my god looking up,
(32:37):
getting around to a little bit tryingman flappers yea Montrose, Utah,
I'm getting around. I'm going toI'm going places. Brian Comedy. Let's
be our y a n the whitestMexican you'll ever look up. Rick Bryan
Comedy. Don't matter. Put itdot com. You got a website to
go to? Instagram, It's onthere, TikTok, fucking Snapchat, Google
(32:58):
me, bitch. He's also thelead party in the Camp La June lawsuit.
Yes, so if you drank waterfrom klamp lea June, please contact
Rick Bryan at Rick Bryan Comedy dotcom. Again, that's Camp La June
water. Oh shit, all right, barbarians, that's Rick. Thanks for
listening. Cheers, Yes, louWell, it's last call, so let
(33:22):
me give you a tip. Don'task me to close your tab because your
uber is already outside waiting for you. Plan ahead. You a dolt,
as Rick would say, don't bedumb, folks, it's been a blast.
You don't have to go home,but you can't stay here. And
a call to my fellow boostlingers.Send in your stories to Cocktails and Wasted
Nights at gmail dot com. Youcan remain anonymous if you'd like. Thanks
(33:44):
for listening, subscribing, downloading,and spreading the word. Don't be afraid
to give me a good review,even if you're lying. It really does
help build our community of barbarians.And check out Rick Bran Comedy dot com
and check out my video. Justclose it on YouTube. You will laugh,
damn it. If you want tosupport the podcast, you can do
that on Patreon. Link is inthe show notes. We'll see you next
(34:05):
time on Behind Bars, Cocktails andWasted Nights. Cheers
Got a weird question for you.I'm in a bachelorette party and we're doing
a scavenger hunt, and I needa picture of Wait, why are you
grinding on me like that? Youneed a selfie of a guy giving you
a lap dance? Right, I'vedone this at least eight times. No,
I just needed a picture of medoing a shot. Oh so should
I stop or what can I get? You? Drunk Barbarians, Welcome to
(00:45):
episode fifty six of the award winningpodcast Behind Bars, Cocktails and Wasted Nights.
Arm your host Greg. I've beenworking as a bartender for over twenty
years, and over those years,I've seen a lot. My goal here
is to share some of those highand low lights with you. Quick warning,
this podcast contains sex, drugs,and some language. It isn't suitable
for anyone under twenty one years ofage, so you gotta have some ID
(01:07):
for this one. I interviewed RickBryan, a regular on my comedy shows.
Guy's hilarious, handy, and he'sgot that thing about him that makes
me think he's gonna take some giantleaps forward in this business we call show.
He's high energy, high IQ andmostly just high with a catchphrase like
don't be dumb. Rick likes toobserve and call out the idiots in our
(01:29):
little terrarium. And that's mostly becausehe spent the first half of his life
being dumb. But I'll let himtell you all about that. Notice how
high we are around twenty two minutes, when we have no memory of what
we were talking about, and feelfree to have a laugh at our expense.
Okay, before we get started,you'll need a drink for this one.
I asked Rick for his favorite cocktail. Pretty basic here, folks,
(01:52):
It's called what else. Don't bedumb? Grab a Collins glass or half
empty Snapple bottle, depending on whereyou are on the edit at scale,
pour an ounce and a half ofeighteen hundred coconut tequila over ice and talked
with unsweetened iced tea. Drink upand smarten up. And as always,
if you don't have eighteen hundred coconuttequila or unsweetened iced tea, handy,
(02:14):
line up a dragon tail, exhale, flare and stretch the nostrils for air,
powder intake, and prepare for takeoff. Then chase that Peruvian marching powder
with some holisco happiness and settle infor the listen. Okay, barbarians,
here's Rick Rami or Rick Brian.All right, barbarians, welcome to episode
(02:34):
fifty six. They're not I interviewedcomedian Rick Brian. Rick, Welcome to
the Shisy in the Closet studio.How you doing, Bunny, I'm doing
it funny. This is a while. Yeah, it's hilarious. I know,
you know the spreaker Budge doesn't giveme the amount I need to.
I gotta pay you comedians otherwise,I you know, fifty six. Uh,
you've had fifty six people in here? Ye did he say? People
(03:00):
have seen all the clothes I don'twear just sitting here. It's like the
sweater your mom buys you. Yougot to wear it when you see her,
you know what I mean. SoI gotta keep the ship. I
like how you turn it into astudio and said, oh, I still
will be utilizing this closet the close. Yeah. I'm very utilitarian and very
spartan, you know what I mean. I just take a little bit and
make a lot out of it.Hey man, this entertainment shit takes me
(03:21):
everywhere. You know, dirty laundrywherever dirty laundry. Most of this just
clean, except for what's on thefloe. I gotta let man. Everybody
you see from the homemade stage,in the comedy to podcasts and in the
closet. Well, I eventually gota good stage. It just took a
couple of years, so you know, the studios next. Anyway, how
are you this guy bust my balls? Like he complains about my stage and
(03:46):
how much I pay him all Ididn't even you know, it's just give
my mouth. I was like,oh no, it's hilarious. I enjoy
it. Right when you're talking shit, you know, you're just talking.
Baby comes out. Yeah, it'sjust like you wouldn't talk shit if you
didn't like me. Exactly when Imet, you know, Dicky Bill Wagner,
I don't wow. Okay, wellhe was doing comedy right about ten
(04:09):
years ago now, maybe been outof it for about four um. But
when I met him, he's like, I don't know, man, you
were sort of a dick. AndI was like, what do you mean.
He's like, keep telling me howstupid. I was like, yeah,
fucker, because you were funny.Duh. He's like yeah, but
I didn't know that. He goes. I kept I thought you'd calling me
stupid. I was like, ohyeah, because he made laugh. Was
(04:30):
like, dude, he's stupid.He got but heard about it. He
took it the wrong way. Yeah, yeah, I was talking shit.
Yeah I didn't like yeah, wouldn'thave talked to you. And he's been
out of comedy four years because hemisinterpreted your Nah so good so rick uh.
This is behind Bars Cocktails a waista Night's the reason I do the
podcast is to let people know wholike working offices, what the fuck goes
(04:55):
on in bars? Like see wherehe said behind bars, I thought he
man being locked up. Oh yeah, well you got you got stories about
that. It's funny. I hadto add the cocked tails and waisted nights
because there is behind Bars podcast aboutbeing walked out. Yeah. I wonder
if those guys like shit, Ijust thought of that. Now we went
(05:16):
have to change the cocktails and waistednights. I don't want to hit on
me. Shit, yeah they're fuckthem. Yeah, they'll never find the
com closets in your closets come throughthe part it's a fucking casino, hotels
that you live and nobody's finding wherefuck you live? Back, I know
the address. Still can't find whereyou live. It's like amazed, dude.
Yeah, it's ridiculous. It's likethe fucking MGM grand up in this
(05:40):
bitch. So how long you've beendoing comedy? Fourteen years now? Fourteen
years? Fourteen years? But like, like you were telling me earlier,
you got the kids three and theyall lived, they all survived. Great
job twenty four, twenty three,nineteen. So you're like double duty,
like a triple duty. You gota job, you're doing comedy, You
(06:01):
got the kids, kids are gone. Now you're gonna go pedal to the
metal. Huh. Daughter is stillin the house. So I ain't trying
to be just gone. But yeah, I'm trying to be gone. I
mean, I'm just trying to beout, you know, circulate. Just
get out there, Yeah, comeand go, come back and forth and
not have to worry about it.You get out. The more you get
out of Colorado, the right tolog yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
What's your what's your favorite place togo? Uh? Snappers Comedy Club
(06:26):
in Florida was that was a shitman. They let me headline that Halloween
weekend twenty nineteen. And I wantI'm I definitely want to make my way
back down there. But Laugh Factoryin Chicago, that show was that?
That was cool. I like that. Oh you did laugh Factory in Chicago?
Oh yeah, yeah? That roomwas the day I featured on a
Sunday Oh fuck yeah, dude,that was when Dick Black was doing comedy.
(06:46):
How how did that go? Iwas so nervous. It went good,
but I was so nervous. Ithrew up after the show. Whoa
was it coming up during your set? No? Just went away. But
then after I called my lady afterwards, I was like, that was so
fucking fun. I was like,I'm gonna throw up and she's like what
(07:06):
And I was like, I don'tknow what's happening right now. My nerves
are gaming. And she goes gooutside and I went outside and I said,
oh, there's so many people bloodhere. There was thousands of people
out there in Chicago. I waslike, fuck, ran back in through
the lobby to the back, threwup. I don't know. It was
the weirdest thing. Holy shit.I was just nerves, just that excited
(07:27):
that it didn't go back. Itwent well. That's all I did twenty
minutes on the Laugh Factory stage.It just wasn't a packed house, so
you know, it's that kind offeeling. I was just like hoping that
somebody saw me that I could comeback type shit. But afterwards it was
wild. Man. I threw up. Afterwards. I'm not going to say
the name of the club and I'mnot going to say the city I was
in, but I was invited back. And then we ended up like hanging
(07:49):
out just fucking party and blowing linesdrink until like four in the morning.
With the manager. He's like,dude, you're great, Like you know
when I have you back, likefor somebody big, like national was torn
like that was good shit. I'mlike great. The chick I was with
ends up fucking laughing her ass off. As we're all leaving, I'm like,
why are you laughing? She opensup her coat. She stole the
(08:11):
fucking brand new bottle of petrone fromthe place the guy could see it.
I'm like, ah, Jesus Christ, don't we get in our uber.
I have no time to like straightenit all out. And I was just
like, what am I gonna say, Oh, she stole this or like
whatever, and so he never answeredmy email. I'm like, you bitch.
But also we had a great timein the hotel with that, so
it was fine. Damn dude thatit was hilarious though she's Viniac anyway.
(08:35):
Um So, Florida Snappers, what'sup with the comedy club names by the
way, you know what I mean? Yeah, ver ridiculous to give you
a check with fruit on it,you know, And then when you go
to the improv and you're working theimprov, we're like, yeah, I'm
at the improv, Well you doimprov? No, motherfucker. Yeah,
(08:56):
the oldest comedy club and the goddamnlaunched everybody. Yes, who's your top
three? You got a top three? It always changes? Right now,
it's Toom Sagurro. I'm lost inthe fucking Burt Kreischer universe. He's not
my top comedian, but he isa comedian that's top on my list of
watching motherfucker's right now. I mean, and Dana Carvey has always been dude.
(09:18):
Did you see The Single White Malesixty his latest special? Yeah,
dude, that's amazing when he makesfun of the millennials, Yeah, oh
god, oh yeah, there's allimpressions. Yeah, but he is coming
at it from an old man.HU get I get off my lawn.
But he's always He influenced me whenI was little, just like the SNL
(09:39):
stuff, not thinking of yeah,hell yeah, just watching him, you
know, not knowing what I'm watching, but watching, I'm going Those guys
are fucking round, they're playing.Oh yeah, well everybody else is working.
Yeah, what did I hear theother day? He who does not
play becomes old quickly? Yeah?Well, actually I had Chinese in my
(10:00):
fortune, all working, no playing. Um, so you've been around,
you've been in these clubs, you'vebeen in and out. Have you seen
some weird shit that goes on inthese clubs with the drunk people, like
hecklers, people getting tossed, likeand he sex in the champagne room,
like any kind of weird shit.Champagne. There's no six in the champagne.
(10:20):
There's no fucking champagne in the company. Uh. Probably the heckler that
got handled by Jamie Kennedy at theComedy Works. So I was pretty interesting.
But I don't know. Jamie Kennedywas acting like a little bitch too,
so kind of brought it on himself. Well yeah, man, he
made like a game out of kickingpeople out of the fucking show, like
(10:41):
singing him out like Nina Nina,and had the whole audience we do when
we play poker. You know,my fucker gets out, We're like Nina,
we know. Yeah. So hewas doing it got to where he
kicked like a dozen people out ofhis fucking show. Whoa. But then
he went in on this this chickshe was She wasn't fine, but you
know she was high. She washigh maintenance. Okay, so hi,
(11:03):
yes, yeah, all day yes, coked out fucking Then her man was
all steroided out and Jamie Kennedy startedgoing out on him, and I can't
remember what happened. He said somethingand then Jamie's like, you fucking paid
to talk shit to me. Youpaid this one. He goes long,
you fuck about the money. Hegoes, I got more money than you,
motherfucker, and he goes fuck youand starts throwing hunters not Jamie,
(11:26):
and Jamie picks that sit up withhis pocket. They kick him out,
and then I go to the bathroomand he's like, you fucking stole money
from you. I was like,oh man, that's hilarious. So it
was funny to see that, butto watch Jamie do that I was like,
that's not comedy. You're just beinga little bit right. You're instigating
(11:46):
this crowning power of Yes. Yeah, I love it. When you get
him in the palm of your hands. It's no better feeling. It's no
better feeling. I mean, it'sgreat. My wife even points it out.
She's like, they're listening to you. Oh yeah, And I'm like
what She's like, even if evenlike you feel like you need laugh laugh
laugh, she goes, they arefully listening to you. That room goes
(12:07):
silent. It's like watching children listento teach a teacher talk. She's like,
it's crazy. And then you hita boom and then they just start
laughing. She goes, it's crazy. You have their full blown attention.
Yeah, you have like a reallyhigh energy style and it's like rapid fire
shit. So it's like even afterpeople have seen four or five comedians,
they've been laughing, they've been drinking, they're tired. So you're up against
(12:28):
it when you come and then youyou fucking get everybody, bring them all
back. It's awesome. I toldher before, I'm like, what's different
in this room? She's like,what, I assume we got here,
But he was doing their own thing. Little conversations did you have Except no,
I'm saying when you first back in, everybody's doing their own little thing.
(12:50):
There's not they're not coming together,they're not laughing as one, you
know, and they're not Their energyis not as high in the room.
And then when you do what Ido, I get off stage, it's
it's like a fucking care bear orsome shit. I'm just shooting that.
You can feel the energy when Iget off, manmofuckers are hyped up,
they're excited, and I'm like,I'm the fucking thing that changed in here.
(13:13):
Yeah. No, And that iswe have the electricity. Like I
was telling you earlier, it islike I can count on one hand comics
at Denver. Then I know ofanyway that I've seen who have that electricity.
It's contagious, man, you gotit. But it's nerve racking.
Oh absolutely. It's like, youknow, you're supposed to be the life
of the party. How the fuckdo you just become the life of the
(13:33):
party, especially if you're not justgetting loaded, you know what I'm saying,
Like Bert Cratcher is the life ofthe party. Yeah, because he
is partying like He's the life ofthe fucking party. I always say about
him, like I think he's hilariousas like as a pure whatever you want
to call it comic, but likethe guy want to hang out with that
every party and every cookout is him. Yeah. Yeah, he's a party
(13:54):
guy. That's what I was afraidof when I got into comedy. I'm
like, how do I do thiswith out doing it? Yeah, especially
if you're going up later. Yeah, because you're sitting there drinking, like
what are you gonna do? Andyou gotta sip You gotta really just hang
out. That's why I started doingtequila and iced tea that way. I'm
like, just give me a nicetea. Bring keep the iced teas coming,
right man. And you know,once you out of tequila and I've
had like four iced teas, yeah, because if you get hammered, it's
(14:15):
not gonna go. You looked umYeah, you know you say you start
slurring, Yeah, you're not thinkingI'm sharp. There's a comedian I won't
name who came into one of myshows and like the comic that was on
at the time was bombing. He'slike, put me up, I'll save
this because he was so drunk andbeing arrogant. I'm like, okay,
I'll put you up there for fiveminutes because that's all I could tolerate him
bombing. Yeah, he won't shutup. He will keep going whether he's
(14:35):
bombing or not. Oh no,he was embarrassed. It was embarrassed two
minutes into it, and he felthe knew he made a mistake. It's
not easy, man, it's it'snot the funny. Funny, he's not
the that's not the hard part.Being funny is the easiest fucking part of
comedy. It is all eyes onyou. It is. There's nobody talking.
It's a one way fucking conversation.People like you're high. I'm like,
(14:58):
yeah, God, damn, runI'm high. This is weird.
Yeah, this is a weird situation. Yeah, these guys are in a
lower phone. Yeah, if theystart talking, they're not supposed to.
Like, it's just me talking oneway. Yeah, I'm I I'm fucking
shit. You're craziest we're doing iswild. Yeah, it's a weird thing,
man. So how did the Floridathing come about? By the way,
(15:18):
you're based at Denver. I'm ahandyman, Okay, I own my
own handyman business. I respect thatbecause I can't build or fix anything.
I can fix everything. And I'vemy house. I flated everything that I
was told to build. I've builtit. That's awesome, dude. I'll
hang out with you if the shiphits the fan, Oh yeah, no,
I can. Otherwise, not onlycan I build a fucking spot.
I know how to live in thewild. Like when I was sixteen,
(15:41):
they threw me in the Utah Desert. Ladies and a gentleman. I'm doing
an interview with a Brambo. Ryanis stupid now and I was a juvenile.
I could getting in trouble. Iwas locked up from like fourteen to
eighteen, off and on. Sowait, you're saying you were behind bars.
I'm telling you that this is bars. Love it and uh it's called
(16:03):
a ya Aspen Youth Alternatives and theytake inner city kids and take them to
the middle of fucking nowhere and literallyteach them how to live. We were
drinking out of the streams. Yougotta put iodine drops in it, and
if you put too many drops init, you got the ship. So
(16:26):
yeah, the apocalypse HiT's dog Igot I got me. We had an
outward bound on the East coast.That's what the same thing was. I
know about outward bound. Here thisis a step up from outward bound.
Yeah, because like we went out, there's no tens. It's a tarp
and the same tarpe they give youto make your backpack to put your shit
in the hold is the tarp thatdid. You have to figure out how
to set up for shelter. Andit was from December first to January twenty
(16:51):
ninth, and it was sleet,snow. I don't get fuck this desert
not gets freezing cold and it snows. It snows, it snow during the
day. It's now three days straight. C we cry, we were frozen.
They don't take you in. Yougot to complete all the course.
Two people died, two kids died. Maybe probably about twenty fifteen. Maybe
(17:12):
welcome to the comedy podcast everybody,Dude, I was the fourth group to
go out. Wow, I wasa test monkey group. Well, those
kids learned their lesson, didn't they, Dude, I learned those guys ain't
doing shit. So you haven't beenin trouble since that. Yeah, I
don't mean no one's gonna put youin a desert. That was the beginning.
Of trouble. For hell, thatwas sixteen. Now I had to
(17:34):
escape the authorities and I was outlastedin the while. After that, they
threw me in a group home fora year and a half. Oh shit.
And then I turned eighteen. Sothen I started going to regular jail.
Started going to regular jail almost everycounty we have here, dude,
And I'm not like robbing people ornothing like driving with no license, driving
(17:55):
with no insurance type of shit andnot getting pulled over because I don't got
plates, no lights because of howit looked. I was younger and I
was driving a thunderbird. I wasbrown, and I got pulled over.
And next thing you because I evenasked him, iself, what I get
pulled over for? Uh? Noproof insurance? How did you know until
you pulled me over? What didyou pull me? So I got caught
(18:18):
in that trap and then I gotthe system YEP, and then I got
in a high speed chase. Uhwhen I was twenty Oh shit, what
do you have sit in the car. Don't be dumb. Yeah, I
fucking weed. No, I didn'thave him like cocaine. I said weed,
and I'll call. But weed wasillegal and I was tired of going
(18:40):
to jail shit, and so Iwas like, fucking catch me. Well,
I didn't go to jail. Iwent to prison. Oh god,
how long did the chase go onfor? Oh? They didn't catch me
till like five hours later, fourhours maybe four hours? Wow? How
long did that translate it to prisontime? I was facing ten to thirty
two Oh my god. And thenthey couldn't get me on first three assaulting
(19:03):
the police officers. So they gaveme nine for every They gave me a
year for every other charge they couldwrack up. And did you how much
of that did you do? One? I did boot camp, then I
went to prison. Boot camp.No, No, the fucking desert was
our sixteen Oh that's right, okay, I've already been prepped for man.
(19:25):
I mean the fact that they hadme hiking ten to fifteen miles a day
in the desert when I was youngerhelped. Yeah, definitely helped. Being
able to run in boot camp.But nothing prepares you for boot camp.
Man. It's fucked up. Prisonboot camp is fucked up. I have
nightmares this day. That was twentyfive years ago. Law lawsuit. Are
(19:47):
you traumatized by going to prison?Boot camp. Call us James, you
might be part of a nation one. Did the prison boot camp give you
messophilia? You drank from the river? Is that no? They have?
There is a thing going around rightnow Camp Lea June. You drink from
(20:10):
the water in Camp Lea June.Why am I getting that email? You're
gonna get to all the commercials therethe day if you don't go to work
on time you hear about That's whyI don't watch TV, Dude, I
just don't. Oh, no,fuck cable. They try. I just
got my phone switched over to Xfinity. Yep, they try and let me
happier with Xfinity. We'll see aboutthis, dude. I cut the court
(20:32):
a long time ago because like,no cable for me. You try to
let me with it and it'll onlybe another one hundred and seventy Just man,
the fucking fuck you one hundred andseventy two dollars to watch TV to
watch a show when commercials come on, You're like, what the show was?
I just watching Pay the Extra onHulu. Ah, dude, I
do get too high for that.I'm like, what am I even watchings?
I watching ladies? Like, areyou serious? Are you serious,
(20:52):
you don't know what you're watching rightnow. I'm like, fuck, no,
I mean and that comes on andI'm like, oh yeah, yeah,
yeah, I was watching Little Housewives. I think god seeing people tell
me that all the time. Man, They're like, I don't remember this
or that, and I'm like,and you don't smoke, ween, it's
not the weed. It's not theweed. I had an older brother and
some bunk beds, so a lotof head injuries. So that's what I
(21:14):
know all about that too. Yeahshit, um okay, wow, So
comedy podcast. We got a lotof prison, we got some uh some
boot camp, we got some fuckingdesert living. Yes, so I'm guessing
that you never took the family camping. Oh not really. Yeah, it
was a punishment for me. Ieven told once that I'm sorry. This
sucks. You know, I don'tlike being out here. This fucking suck
(21:38):
brings it all back, dude.Yes, man, I don't like it
either. I listen to a lotof true crime. A lot of people
get murdered in tense. You gotthe animal attacks. Anyway, what's the
point I don't listen that true whogets into like just I'm gonna go sleep
outside in the woods. We're homeless. I got paid twenty one fifty stay
inside, but I canna be homelessright now? All that shit I think
they should call it home often.Yeah, thank you up here all night.
(22:00):
Didn't you try to stake It's fantastic, right, It's all right,
keep it walk all right? Best? What hold on? You asked me
something that took us down that yellowbrick row. Oh what you were doing
and get in trouble? I thinkno, No, it had nothing to
do getting in trouble. It tookus to the desert. Shit. He
(22:22):
said something apocalypse I end up goingthere. What you asked? Oh,
I'm saying, like you say,apocalypse hit, then you can build shit.
I'm hanging with you, dude.Yeah, but there was something you
ask me. If only there wassome way we could go back. It's
more fun to listen to what theship will we just say let's move along?
All right? All right, movingalong all right? I love when
you do a white guy impersonation.That's pretty hilarious. That's just the brilliant
side of me. Tonight. Wehave increasing darkness. It's becoming Romero real
(22:47):
quick, right out. Who's wearWolf? Who's Romero? Here it comes
is that the keeler bring it out. Yeah, Romero does come out,
come out too well. And Idon't drink and that dude when people say
they killed man, I can't handletequila? What do he means alcohol?
Yeah? Last time, dude,I drank three bottle. What the fuck?
(23:08):
Don't be dumb. Yeah, drink. I'm having an ass. I'm
having three to five fucking shots maybe. And if I'm having five shots that
we're just too many. We're gettinginto the too many range. Motherfucker's drinking
paints and fucking don't be dumb.It's so funny, dude, Like I
can't really drink unless I'm working.No, I could plow some shots,
dude. Nahe a lot. Iwas a Budweiser man, I could drink
(23:30):
a twenty pet Dude. That's that'sinsane your beer. That's a lot.
Oh. I know. So Iwas growing increasingly man, like I've been
losing this ship. Man, lookup, I'm on the fatcans diet.
Yeah, no, I'm not fuckingI'm eating once a day. Wucka waka.
What was he gonna say? Oh? Fuck? What was I gonna
say? I have got contact offyou closet. Fucker've been a prison.
(23:56):
If we get trapped in here,you're fucked. Oh god, come on,
I'll give you a cigarettes in exchangefor protection. I smoke. I
figure something. I have a lotof diseases. How about you nasty some
big that you're just gonna get beatup? Yeah, a second in prison.
(24:19):
There's a lot of people. I'dlike. You gotta have something to
offer. Yeah, I wouldn't beable to ask gas grass. I'd be
like, I've been studying law.I could help you with your legal everybody
is in their studying law. Letme think this over before I commit a
major crime. You gotta have aplan. I was gonna say, what
were we talking about? Dude?All right? Oh oh, I was
(24:41):
gonna ask you. I was gonnaask you your your worst show. It's
got to stand out right. Youmust have had like a your worst bomb
ever. We was open Mike timewhen some lady never like in a feature
like paid gig, you've never fuckedup? Oh yeah, of course I
fucked up, but no, nothingto shut me down. You see how
(25:02):
I am? Yeah? Yeah,if it fucking doesn't work, oh just
me, okay, anything I throwthe voice out there something. Nothing just
goes un done. If they don'tlike the joke, I change the accent,
I changed the voice. That getsa laugh, something gets a laugh.
I don't let it just fucking evenif it's fuck you, no,
big you. And I started talkingto me. I see right there,
(25:25):
you're already laughing. Yeah, yougot the weapons. Yeah. So I
really, honestly no in the clubsalmost passed out on stage drunk or just
like dizzy, nervous or like notgetting the foxygen Yeah, like I'm talking
too fast and I have to tellmyself to shut up and fucking breathe.
(25:45):
So I was on the improv atthe Denver Improv and I'm I don't even
know who the hell I'm working with, and I'm just going and going.
All of a sudden, everything startsgoing, yeah, starts going black towards
like a Loooning Tunes fucking circle infront of me, and I'm like,
oh no, don't fucking But thetime I'm saying to myself, oh no,
please don't pass out my mouth isthe back office is going to the
front office is still doing the job. I guess out of body experience I've
(26:11):
had on stage because I've had totell myself on stage get back in there,
because I'm over here going, oh, don't fucking pass up. Oh
no, what's going to happen?And this is going the out of pilot
is running, my mouth is running, and all of a sudden, I'm
just like breathe where everything came backin. I was like, whoh,
y'all didn't even know what happened.Yeah, but I didn't say that.
(26:32):
I can't explain it. It's gonnabe the only other time I freaked out
like that was happening was I wasdriving down twenty five and I had a
fucking carful of people. Oh god, we were smoking weed and I hit
it too hard and I actually fuckingcoughed, and everything said it didn't go
to the circle. Okay, theywent black. Oh god, I'm cruising
(26:52):
down the highway black. But Ican hear everything. You were like the
guy in Metallica, a piece ofmeat that kept living, dude. Yeah,
yeah, I just grabbed a holdof the fucking screen wheel and just
again beep, fucking breath and shoom. Everything came back and I was looked
round. I'm like, y'all,I don't know, y'all, almost just
die and it's hilarious now, yeah, but it forever kill Everybody'd be like,
(27:22):
Hey, what's up, guys,It's good to see you guys again.
Dude, everything in my life,dude, I get like that.
When I smoked weed. You shouldremember the gravity hits you're doing the sink
out of like the milk carton.Yeah, I do one of those.
Then I wake up looking at myown reflection in front of the sliding door.
Yeah. We had a couple ofhomies. Are pussies super I am
super good at drugs, just notthat one that's super good at weed.
(27:47):
Yeah you are. I can't.I can't do it, man, Like
I didn't, like I thought Icould do it. I went home.
I'm in this beach on the lakeand I smoke we with these people.
I'm like, I have to goinside. And I'm inside looking at the
ceiling and the fucking ESPN crawl startsgoing across the ceiling. It's not even
yeah, it's TV and that likemy buddy's coming. He's like, oh,
(28:10):
you are right. I'm like,you're turning into a cyboard right now,
that off of wheat. I mean, that would be dumb. No,
but it's the weed that brings itout. No fu, that's wild.
Yeah, it just happens due Ijust panicked, dude, don't happen
around each other. It's NonStop whilewe're smoking. Somebody's rolling breaking down one
to roll up another one, likewhen we play poker together our other cousins.
(28:32):
Like, I don't gonna do itgood, It's gonna smoke like,
man, fucking I got all thewindows open, I got an outside table
whatever. But then I look back, I'm like, oh, it's NonStop.
We're going nu. Yeah, airbody'sgame high. I love weed,
man, I don't know. That'sthe only thing that agrees with me.
Okay, so like the other stuffagrees with me. I always say that,
(28:52):
like I'll do shrooms to go tosleep. No fuck no, yeah,
don't be done. No. AfterI like fucking party, I'm like,
oh, I gotta fucking calm down. I eat a bunch of I'll
sleep so I don't freak out.Had a dream I was flying with Catwoman
and I was breaking off her costumeand eating it like candy. Oh,
you fat bastard. Yeah, Iguess saving the world. Shit here.
(29:19):
You ever do the hucinogens like acidtoo much on the other side. Okay,
oh no, you been there?Yeah, the devil go down with
me one night, man, andI thought it was a dream. I
was like, think, oh mygod, I rolled over and there was
a fucking lake of throws. Ohgod, a lake, not a puddle,
(29:40):
not a fucking lake, A fuckingthrow the carpet. Oh no,
it was just a big, old, big old fucking just a whole round
thing. If I was like,oh no, my Dad's like, oh,
I was ready to take you tothe hospital. I thought you were
dead. He goes, well,my dad is a bad biker dude.
He wasn't. No, I wasa pussy, you know what I'm saying.
(30:00):
Fucking man up. You won't takethem fucking drugs, you man the
fuck up? And how my memorwas this close your eyes and then just
for one brief second whatever you see. That's how it was for me fucking
hours doing that guy. It's ajourney. Try. I just saw my
dad who screatment and then nothing inthe devil and I was like, oh
my god, what the fuck washappening. That's where you gotta throw on
(30:21):
a sitcom and get the studio on. I was after it really helps.
We watch Natural board Killers. Hey, man, man up. I watched
like fucking Disney or Toy Stories.When I'm doing things by myself, I
do do the Happy Ship. Igotta watch Disney. I love. But
now when you went the Homies,they act them down. You gotta fucking
(30:42):
man up. The Natural board Killersgreat ideas. All scared ye off the
couch, Yeah, turn it off. You boats over there and you'm not
moving. Oh dude, I watchedlike fucking I watched Valerian in the City
of Thousand Planets tripping my face offon mushrooms during the hailstorm. I was
(31:03):
out in the hailstorm experiencing and thenit started to hurt, so I went
inside and I started watching this dude. Rihanna is all hot, but she's
like this bubble alien creature after shegoes out of her hum if anyway you
got to see it, check itout. Guys. I'm about so I
don't know about this. Oh,it's pretty great if you're on troops.
Valerian of the City I might havebeen if this motherfucker would have came through.
She invited me to his closet todo drugs, and then here I
am drug listeners. I was like, we talked about it, but I
(31:26):
didn't know. You're like I wasgonna smoke weed and drink. I'm like,
okay, cool, I'm gonna doyou know, and then like,
I ate the shrooms earlier and Iprobably should have saved. So just fuck,
that's true, all right, Rick, I'm sorry. I really appreciate
you coming in doing this. Ithought you have some questions. Oh we
did it. Oh we did great. This fucking half hour. It's awesome.
(31:52):
Um fuck, dude, next timeI'll have shrioms. We'll have you
back for a sequel. I hopeyou're into that. I'm always down,
all right, cool man, thanksfor it's too easy. Oh, let's
get your let's get some plugs in. What's your next show? What's your
website? With your Instagram? Wasto all that. I'll put up in
the show notes too, But let'sthink it's just Friday or Saturday. On
Saturday, I'm gonna be at Grandma'shouse, all right. Cool. So
(32:12):
for those of you who listen tothis podcast on Tuesday, you missed it.
Oh man, you missed my fuckingshow. You best. I'll be
in Montrose and August fifth, I'llbe at twenty twenty three, Yes,
twenty twenty three, when the Foxis come out in twenty twenty four,
ship coming out next week. Wegot time. You can see me in
Burdbank Comedy Festival. I'll be outthere and La doing my god looking up,
(32:37):
getting around to a little bit tryingman flappers yea Montrose, Utah,
I'm getting around. I'm going toI'm going places. Brian Comedy. Let's
be our y a n the whitestMexican you'll ever look up. Rick Bryan
Comedy. Don't matter. Put itdot com. You got a website to
go to? Instagram, It's onthere, TikTok, fucking Snapchat, Google
(32:58):
me, bitch. He's also thelead party in the Camp La June lawsuit.
Yes, so if you drank waterfrom klamp lea June, please contact
Rick Bryan at Rick Bryan Comedy dotcom. Again, that's Camp La June
water. Oh shit, all right, barbarians, that's Rick. Thanks for
listening. Cheers, Yes, louWell, it's last call, so let
(33:22):
me give you a tip. Don'task me to close your tab because your
uber is already outside waiting for you. Plan ahead. You a dolt,
as Rick would say, don't bedumb, folks, it's been a blast.
You don't have to go home,but you can't stay here. And
a call to my fellow boostlingers.Send in your stories to Cocktails and Wasted
Nights at gmail dot com. Youcan remain anonymous if you'd like. Thanks
(33:44):
for listening, subscribing, downloading,and spreading the word. Don't be afraid
to give me a good review,even if you're lying. It really does
help build our community of barbarians.And check out Rick Bran Comedy dot com
and check out my video. Justclose it on YouTube. You will laugh,
damn it. If you want tosupport the podcast, you can do
that on Patreon. Link is inthe show notes. We'll see you next
(34:05):
time on Behind Bars, Cocktails andWasted Nights. Cheers
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