Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Can I see your ID? Comeon, I'm thirty seven, I'm old
enough to drink. Oh, Ican clearly see that. I'd just like
to memorize addresses. No one's homeright now, are they? Who's your
manager? He's the one laughing nextto you? What can I get you?
(00:35):
Drunk? Barbarians? Welcome to episodefifty nine of the single award winning
podcast Behind Bars, Cocktails and WastedNights. I'm your host, Greg.
I've been working as a bartender forover twenty years, and over those years,
I've seen a lot. My goalhere is to share some of those
high low lights with you. Quickwarning, this podcast contains sex, drugs,
and some language that isn't suitable foranyone under twenty one years of age,
(00:57):
so you gotta have some ID forthis one. I interviewed comic Alan
Bromwell. Alan is a true comedian. He's brilliant, observant and has a
healthy touch of madness, which Ilove. Very dark sometimes. He's actually
banned from my bar over a COVIDmask argument, but after a couple management
turnovers, I invited him back todo my show Under the Radar. He's
(01:18):
got some strong opinions and will gladlydie on a lot of hills to make
a point, and every time wehave a conversation, I come away Richard
for the experience. So it wasa no brainer to share his brain with
you, fellow barbarians. Okay,before we get started, he'll need a
drink. Allan typically drinks for repicadoon the rocks. So in the spirit
of tequila, let's do a cocktailwith the spirit of tequila. It's called
(01:41):
the l Diablo, and the LDiablo cocktail is a high ball drink made
with tequila crim to casise. Finally, another cocktail you can use besides the
Kia Royale, lime juice and gingerbeer. The drink was invented by trader
Vic in the nineteen forties, arestaurant owner considered to be the grandfather of
tiki drinks. Anyway, the firstreference to the El Diablo is in his
(02:01):
nineteen forty six book called trader Vic'sBook of Food and Drink, where he
claims it as his original recipe.And here is that recipe. Into a
cocktail shaker for one and a halfounces of reputado Don Julio is great,
do one half ounce of cremt casis, three quarters of an ounce of lime
juice, shake and dirty, dumpinto a colin's glass top with ginger beer,
(02:23):
garnish with the lime wedge and enjoy. And as per usual, if
you don't have any of that shiplying around, pour a crush and line
up a noseber and chugged that suckerinto your sniffer. Perfect. You must
be this high to ride this ride. Ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled
to welcome you inside Alan Bromwell's brain. Buckle up tonight we have a doozy
(02:46):
a hum danger. I am beingjoined by Denver comedian Alan Bromwell. We've
been trying to get this thing goingfor a while. Our schedules never lined
up. But now that the starshave aligned, Alan's back from tour and
he's now in the closet studio.Alan, Welcome to the show. How
are you, buddy? I don'tlike that you said he's now in the
closet, in the closet studio.In the closet studio. Yeah, Alan
(03:09):
is now in the closet. Welcometo the show. After the show,
he'll be coming out of the closet. He's so deep in the closet he's
finding Christmas presence, folks. Idon't like it in here. No,
it's a very bizarre and uncomfortable.We're going on to the closet. Yeah,
it's a it's actually ah oh yeah, it's a closet. I can't
even address it up. Let memy first guest. He's entering into the
(03:29):
closet. We're gonna do some homosexualrevisionist behavioral. Okay, what does that
mean. We're gonna we're gonna dothat therapy or that reversal therapy, so
you're not in the closet anymore.That can I say? That was what
Tim Leary first did in the likeacid Harvard Acid shit. Yeah, they
(03:50):
were. They were converting homosexuals backto They were like, don't you want
a woman, don't you want afamily? I love homosexuals because, like
it's always the best looking guys whoare in great shape, and it's like
competition for us takes them right outof the pool. I love it.
I'm in full support of, likeof the whole LBG. That's why the
transgender fucking snip it up. Idon't care. Yeah, whatever you want
to do, whatever, whatever,it makes it easier for me to eat
(04:12):
you know what I mean, giveme the pool, yeah, than than
the herd. So anyway, youyou were good opening. Oh you should
have heard are pre pre interview.That was hilarious. Yeah we had to
add at that. Oh God,we're talking about aliens and cultures and what
do you want to for a second, because you're the only person I've ever
(04:33):
talked to who acknowledges that the racescome from different aliens. I believe that.
I believe different alien beings created differentraces on the planet. I believe
that too, right, we're toodifferent, like when you look at like
when we look at like dog breedsor whatever, like we are when you
look at the races, it's wesay, I know, we're all Homo
(04:56):
sapiens and went the same species,and that's a beautiful thing. But we're
why oldly different, absolutely, likein a in a way that it's like
if you look at the if youlook at types of birds or whatever,
like we are so diverse a hawkand a finch, you're not like,
you know, yeah there's still birds, like when you talk about two different
human beings. Yeah, absolutely,it's there. There's differences. And I
(05:19):
hate when everyone's like we're all thesame. We just said. All you're
doing is stripping people of their culturalidentity, and you're making it more racist
by smoothing it over. It's like, let's celebrate and recognize our differences.
That's what I like to say.It's a really cool thing that we're doing
here, a bunch of alien racesinterbreeding and fucking partying together. It's good.
It's a good story. Yeah,it's a good story that way.
(05:41):
And it explains, like, becausethe races is hard to explain when you
like, when you see how differentpeople are from different places, it's hard
to explain to a child, whatwould you tell the child, Yeah,
well they were Yeah, yeah,we weren't designed to be good at basketball.
Why, well, we're better atcoaching. We're better at legal disputes
(06:05):
and money matters. It's gonna gointo can we edit out any references to
the Jews? Sugar, I'm fitzingin here so hot? Anyway, All
so, you were on tour,right, I was just on tour.
(06:26):
I got back, I went tojail. I'm here. Okay, shit,
that's quite the itinerary. Let's gowith. I mean, jail is
very enticing. Let's go with thetour. How did the tour go?
The tour is fantastic. Where'd youplay? Uh? We did three Nebraska,
some Goofy goofy Town, Goofy Town, Lincoln, and then and then
(06:47):
we went back Wyoming and then wecame back and did like Denver Suburbs show
for the last one, and thenwe uh, they want to set off
fireworks at the end of the showthat we've gotten in Wyoming. And it
was real fun. It was genuinelyvery fun. And then the several noise
complaints and cops showed up and Ifucking took the took the hit on that
(07:10):
one. I took one for theteam. Everybody else just ran and you
were the guy holding the bag.I'll tell you the truth. Man.
Next time, I won't get mycar because they split and their their car
was faster. So I got pulledover and now I drove all of a
block to stop sign and they werelike, uf fireworks. I was like,
nah, it was my buddy,and they go, can you call
(07:31):
him? And I, you know, I called some other number on my
phone and and then they are they'reinterrogating me about whatever and h then they
wait for a very long time theycall another sheriff and now he's coming to
the thing and its flashlight. We'regonna do a sobriety and field sobriety test
or whatever. And I gotta tellyou, man, I nailed this ship.
(07:54):
I'm like, I'm like a savant, Like I'm an autistic savant for
pretending not to be drunk. Okay, because if you if you challenge me
to do that, I will doit. And I was. I was
masterful. This dude did that bluelight and the eye for way too long.
You're like, I manually dilated myown pupils. I thought about it.
(08:15):
He you do. You know whatI'm talking about. It didn't responsibly,
didn't respond so well, they keepthey go up from left to riding
up down to try to make youfall over because if they make you fall
over, then they go Now we'redoing a breathlyzer. That's how they do
it. Okay. So he doesthat for way too long, ten minutes.
I'm going down. Yeah no,and he he's like, you gotta
follow it. I'm going I'm followingit. I'm not following yeah, And
(08:39):
then he's doing the raise your legfor forty seconds while I fucking count and
then the walk a line and Idid it all perfectly. I did it
all, and so in my head, I'm going, okay, so now
it's time to put her. Hegoes aside and let me go home,
and he goes, now, doyou want to do breathlyzer? And I
go why, and he goes,well, uh, I go, did
(09:01):
you it was? Why do youhave any suspicion that I would be?
He goes, well, uh,you were, you were You reacted slowly
to my questions what, And I'mjust gone, this motherfucker. Two sheriffs,
dude, there's two sheriffs and therewere there are multiple calls for the
for the fire for noise complaint becausewe were stupid and we kept going from
the same day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where we fucked up.
(09:24):
We had great Roman candles, thebest Roman cands I've ever bought.
It was worth it, you know, it was well I would say it
was not worth it, but theywould yeah, because they got away they
went home. But yeah, man, Then he goes, we gotta do
breath lizes. I go, I'mnot doing at horse shit because I've been
drinking for a long time. Andthen then then the cuffs and then you
go downtown. So you couldn't beatscience. They got you on the breath
(09:46):
of lizer, Would you blow?I blew a point zero seven five,
which I will tell you. Iwas doing a lot of breathing yoga Frani
yama right beforehand, and the chickwas trying to She didn't like what I
was doing, but I believe Icould purify my bloodstream with my breath and
I was. I was in thattrance before I did it. And she
(10:09):
this was a this was a realfucking hermaphrodite that gave me the test man.
She was a centaur. She wasI don't know what she graduated from.
Police officer, dude, she was. She was like and I was
very delicate with her because why youI understood why she he was was doing
that as a profession in that moment, because she was he uh, it's
(10:33):
just unpleasant person technique. She was. She wanted to she enjoyed. She
enjoyed being the person that ruined people'slives like I was anyway. I was
very friendly kind of thing. Andthen now she gets to give me pass.
Yeah, yes, exactly, AndI'm psychoanalyzing everybody. But I'm being
very loving because I'm like, ifI'm not getting out of this unless I'm
(10:56):
nice to everybody, right, Andshe didn't like the way I blew into
saying even though I pat anyway anyway, So they were all they were filling
out that. Yeah, of coursethat damn bright. I was trying to
fill my fucking cheeks with with withring air and then I'm trying to just
do cheek air. And I say, I was a trombone player in fucking
(11:18):
college. You learn how to circularbreathe. That's how you pass a d
U. I fucking shit, youjust do you you circular breathe, and
then you just you feel you you'renot blowing lung air. I'm blowing cheek
air. Cheek air can't be thatwell, I was. I try.
I'll tell you the truth, man, next time, if for anybody listening,
when you when you go downtown,if you get under point zero five,
(11:41):
they will let you go. AndI was trying to ask them,
I said, what's the number?Just tell me the number? Will you
let me go? And say,I'm sorry we took you downtown. It's
point zero five in Colorado, okay? And I and you just need some
time, some time, like anhour or two some time, and some
intensity of consciousness. It's all.You can manipulate any number with consciousness,
I believe, And I'm gonna dothat with the lottery. I've been trying.
(12:03):
You gotta believe more. I will. You gotta believe more. But
anyway, and now I'm in jail. And that was And how many hours
are you in there? I don'tknow, from midnight to five am.
God awake. The whole time.Got weirdos around you. They took all
your ship. That's the that isthe degrading part where you where you got
to wear their goofy orange crocs thatdon't fit you, and the pants that
(12:28):
they tried so hard to give meshit that didn't fit. Like I watched
the process of it. I waslike, hey, these don't fit.
Hey, I'm gonna size eleven.And he intentionally gave me Like they enjoy
that. There's a weird uh sadismto that, to the whole product.
They enjoy. They enjoy making itunpleasant for you. But I was nice
to them, and actually some peoplewere very nice to me, like I
(12:52):
managed to during the project. Duringthe project Runaway portion of the evening.
One person took very like a lotof delight and fucking up your whole style.
I think, why would you becomeWhy would you want to work at
a jail? Could you be honestwith yourself? I always think why would
you work? Work at the jail? And I was, you're in jail
eight hours a day, like that'syour life, You're in you work at
jail. Yeah, I mean itmust feel good when you pull out of
(13:15):
the parking lot. Yeah, butyou got to go back to fucking jail.
Jailally work at jail. Your jobis jail. I can't imagine.
I actually so. I felt empathy, honestly. I mean I was on
a I just off a successful tour. I felt sorry for most of them,
and I felt love for him.And I'm thankful for any of that,
because you know, I felt thatif there was a seed of resentment
that could have that could have mademe go, fuck this dude, why
(13:39):
why does he do this to people? And then I turn, it would
have been a whole different world ofsh sh like still being there, I
probably would Yeah you gotta just gookay, yeah, every you just take
it. Yeah, it's just justunderstand that they're people, and they don't
really like they don't want to hurt. I don't think in their heart they
want to hurt anybody, but they'reI think when you take a job like
(14:00):
that, you do enjoy control,dominance, in control. Thank you.
Yeah, yes, no, II'd say to mass the whole thing is
like having been in a BDSM relationship. You understand what's going on, and
I just go listen. I'm Iget it. I get it that life's
been rough for you and now youwant it like you've been dominated, now
(14:22):
you want to dominate. Okay,ye get it. That's fine. You're
well, you've been in a BDSMrelationship. Well, I've been with a
chick where we did that shit primarily, okay, So, and I think
that really helped me in prisons.I mean, the closet after prison after
my BDS I haven't relationship helped meget through prison. I understand it because
it's like why I like, whenI was in high school, I thought
(14:46):
that I started to get very likeI started to fantasize about that ship because
the hot chicks wouldn't even look atyou. Right, So then you get
into place psychologically where I want tointeract with these women, but they don't
even look at me, So theonly option is I'm controlling them, right,
which you know. So so thatformed my sexuality young age. And
(15:09):
then that's that was like I waslike when I looked at hot chicks,
I was like, I want todo you know, I want to be
dominant over her because otherwise she wouldnever even look at me. So I
got to be her master. Itotally buy into that stuff, man,
Like I always trying to reclaim thatearly like the pew Best and sexuality forming
moments. Like for me, itwas like that show Unhappily ever After with
(15:31):
Nicky Cox. So this was Microman. It was like it was like a
low rent, down market married withchildren and basically Nicky Cox bobcat Goldthwaite's wife
like the hot Redheads where these liketiny little skirts with like these thigh highest
stockings and like these boat was herhusband in real life in real life,
like he had this babe. Yeah, and like the family, like the
guy was divorced, like the alBundy of the family was divorced, and
(15:54):
he had to live in this likeshitty apartment or the basement of something like
that, and he had this rabbitthat was one of his kids toys that
started talking to him because he's goingcrazy through the divorce. And then the
kids would like have turns, likehaving custody at the home or with the
dad in his basement. Unhappily everafter, so in his basement. Yeah,
so he would talk to the rabbit, the stuffed animal which was Bobcat
(16:15):
Goldway. Yeah. But anyway,the chick was so hot. I used
to be able to wax the dolphinand rub one out to her. And
so now I have this recurring Hollywoodformula because now Modern Family they got al
Bundy with a way too hot.Oh yeah, so Fia Vergara hottest check
ugly hottest Yeah on television? Ohgod, since Desperate Housewise such whatever the
(16:36):
Latin check on that one. OhI'm a Rosario Dawson. Guys, you
know I love her. She's butyeah, so fear of Vergara if she
didn't talk, or she had abetter voice, if she didn't talk,
that's how you feel. That's howyou feel that you know her voice is
like really weird, even not deep, even if it's not deep. No,
my main feeling on hot chicks isif you would just refrain from speaking
(16:59):
well because everybody's like, oh,it's really interesting and everyone And that's why
she likes the guy who would belike, who would challenge what she says
because she knows in her head andshe's being fluffed right, and she wants
to be donned. She wants tobe dommed. Perhaps perhaps that's why these
that's why these some of these hotchicks want to be submissive. Well,
that's why I always trying to getthese chicks and give me fashion shows because
(17:19):
I always like the Nikki coxing.I like put on a little mini skirt
with some thigh high stockings. Iwant to see a little space of skin
between the headline and the and thelace of the stockings. I need to
see that. That's because it's Ihave to go back to that place.
You have to choke a bitch out. It's the same thing similar. I'll
tell you, man, the storyof you meeting uh Stormy was fascinating to
(17:42):
me. But that was very likeyou were. You were exactly what we're
talking about, which was you wereyou were shooting the ship truly to a
woman who's getting fluffed right all thetime. Yeah, yes, yeah,
yeah, And if you you thatreal thing. You challenge her and the
internet real just be She's like,I always get by my looks, but
(18:03):
now somebody's challenging me on another leveland I like that. Yes. So
all right, listeners, there's yoursecret. We just let the cat out
of the bag. That's how youget some This unintentionally turned into a game
podcast. Okay, So so circlingback to the cops are like ruining your
(18:23):
lives. Like I know a lotof nurses and uh they all so the
idea of it is that I wantto help people. That's the idea,
yeah, and that's also the socialego of it. But the truth of
the matter is some of them,I would say maybe ten percent of them
are that way, just like comedians, Like how many comedians are authentic in
(18:47):
what they're doing and how many ofthem just want love from an audience that
they didn't get from their family.Like that's the same dynamic in any profession
where you talk about, like apolice officer, how often is it that
you run into a police officer whowants to actually protect humanity? Well,
that'll come down to us because likewe're usually the ones in trouble doing something
(19:11):
wrong. But if we were wronged. I think the cops are there.
They would definitely help us. Iknow some great cops, like I know
some awesome cops. But that's agood thing. Yeah, Officer Winter,
we had I'll tell you, man, I'm very skeptical. I would never
never call the cops if I gota dispute at home, if I got
something, I guess I would.I'll tell you where I would call the
cops, as if they got moreartillery than me. Never call the cops.
(19:37):
I don't need some backup. I'mtrying to make a sistan as the
rest right now. I got likeone bullet left, Yeah, can I
get some backup? It's like twoguys got one bullet. And what I
think is an ideal humanity is wewould have services that benefit us. We
should. We should like the DMV. Man, we shouldn't all talk about
the DMV disparagingly. If we're gonnado this, if we're gonna pay tax
(20:02):
money whatever to have these services,there should be things that we like.
You know who figured it out,Arizona? Did they? Yeah? Like
I check, I d s Ibartend you know what I mean, Arizona?
Your license like last for like thirtyyears, Like no kidding, like
two decades at least, Like yourpicture is not gonna look like you want
to get pulled over anywhere. ASupreme Court judge like, you don't have
(20:22):
to go lifetime, lifetime, oryou don't have to go to DMV.
Ever you get your license. Iwill see in twenty years when you have
to renew this. Let's Arizona expiresin twenty fifty eight. I'm like,
wow, maybe I need to move. But they figured it out. Yeah,
the DMV is brutal. And Igo to and then you get there
and you don't have the right Doyou have your birth certificate? What?
What more evidence you need than Iwas? I'm alive understanding. It's such
(20:45):
a goofy thing. You go,oh, so what certification do I need
for existing? Yet? You seeme, I'm standing here before you.
No, but were you born?Yeah? Yeah, you were? You
though? Can you prove? Canyou prove that we were born? You?
Well? I am I'm human beingthat's talking to you. Is that
not a certificate of birth? I'ma beta unit. Yeah, real,
(21:07):
Alan's he's the last starfighter. He'sreally good at the video game. The
Aliens came and got him. Theyreplaced him with this robot that that's me
and he's out fighting a war saving. It is birth and death certificates as
such a goofy thing. Man,Like a death certificate. You're like,
well, I haven't heard from himin a while, but do you have
a certificate. Yeah, well youneed it when you want to get the
insurance claim after you've killed your spouse. I think what it is, and
(21:30):
this I may go into conspiracy territoryhere, but if you look at birth
and death certificates, they do havethe same fucking numbers on them as dollar
bills. And I think your lifeto the government is a financial instrument.
And you're social Security number, Yeah, social Security number. You're these like,
it's the same shit. You lookat a dollar bill, you look
(21:52):
at a birth certificate, you lookat a death certificate. It has this.
I think I think that's maybe whatthe economy is based on. Is
the people. Yeah, we're likebatteries in the matrix. Yes, yes,
some make money, some take money, some make some take I want
to get on that taking side.I'm you know, just kind of like,
(22:12):
but I don't know in the matrixwere any of them taking It's you
had to get out of it.That's true to do anything meaning otherwise you
was just a battery. But uh, you know, back to the cops,
I'll tell you the cops helped metremendously. I want to hear how
the cops helped. So you knowabout my house guests, right, I
tell you about my house guests.Lewis back. No, No, a
(22:32):
different one I had. There wasthis person I was helping out from la
and letting her stay in my apartmentfor three months until she got back on
her feet, got her a jobout here in Denver. Okay, Well
it turns out she was a littlemore she's beyond my help. I'll just
put it that way, you know, because doctors didn't put a chip in
her brain, and what everyone wasisist is that real? Or that's she
(22:53):
was in her mind? Yeah?So I'm like, oh, this person's
not capable of making a resume.You know, I can't red anywhere,
you know, And I would likedo like this yoga pose on the ottoman
for like an hour in the sunbeamwith the with the vibrator in her ear
and make these noises while having aneargasm, massaging the chip in her ear
(23:14):
wow, wow, looking like apig on a spit with an apple in
her mouth because she had TMJ andflies, so she would she would smoke
on the balcony. I'm like,there's no smoking in the building. And
then finally, like one day,I just I took the cigarette out of
her mouth and flicked it off thebalcony. She was I'm calling the cops.
I'm like, please do So shedid for you because you because you
(23:36):
took her cigarettes. So I tookher cigarette. And it had been building.
It's been three months and like justbeen no movement, just craziness going.
This is exist and it was greatdisputes of this nature which are so
fundamentally spurious. And you have agirl calling a cops on a guy,
and she claimed that I tried tothrow her off the balcony, So I
(23:59):
naturally, I first thing I dois I hide all the ship. The
cops knock on the door. Fiveminutes later, I opened up. Come
on in, officers, I invitethem in. My buddy Matt's here,
my writing partner. What did youdo with your cocaine booths? I hit
it everything. You hit everything?I hit everything? Yeah, so uh
yeah, yeah, I have onmy hiding spots. So I invite them
(24:21):
in. And then by the way, when I got the y thing,
they go the console first, don'tput don't put your drugs on the con
No. Never you know, thisbrings me to another story. That movie
that I mean, the Boys andGirls Guy to Getting Down. I met
it the director and the writer andco wrote with him because he had a
game show that he was trying tostart called Rehab, which was about drug
(24:44):
culture and the winner got to goto rehab, so you'd like answer all
these questions about drugs and stuff,and there were physical challenges and one of
the game and one of the challengesof the game show a bunch of addicts
competing to go to rehab. Yeah, it was amazing. I thought it
was hilarious. So he was like, all right, now we're going to
play hide the Cocaine. I havea retired police officer here and I'm going
to give Greig this this time.Yeah, he's in his car, he's
(25:08):
just been pulled over. Here's thirtyseconds to hide the cocaine and the officer
has thirty seconds to find it.This is why you need an enlarged urethra.
That's where the true artists. Ohyeah, if you could put it
in there. Oh my god.I can't even watch sounding videos though,
so I'm not a candidate for thatsounding Yeah that Oh, but I this
(25:30):
is I don't know if that's Imean, that may be the thing that
that you get in prison with it, probably because they're not going to search.
Probably no, no, you're you'reyour butt. They definitely search.
Yeah, oh absolutely, what aboutBut if you have it in your that's
why. And I don't I'm notan expert on this, but if you
have it in your digestion, likeyou could just got time that right,
(25:52):
Yeah, you have the balloon goinga little Maria full of Grace kind of
thing. I wondered about it becauseI have I have false teeth, and
when they took me into jail,they took him away, which is the
most the most dehumanizing, emasculating.Oh my god, Like they took my
teeth away, and I was like, dude, fucking I didn't know.
(26:12):
I was good. You were gonnarest me and bring drugs under your opinion,
Yeah, but that is an interestingthing, Like why would they bring
your teeth to inside? You canput inside, Yeah, you could put
shit in your mouth. Oh shit, all right, it's good to know.
Now next time we're hanging out andI could hide no, because I
got a fucking uh my front teethare fake with a with a plastic thing
(26:34):
to where I could put a gramor two of some shit. Okay,
it's good to know. Yeah,many, Well I'm not planning you want
to fly to Mexico with I'm notdoing that, buddy, Oh my god.
So I don't want to do that. But it was interesting the way
that they treat a human being becauseI'm like, hey man, I wasn't
(26:55):
even that drunk, and now you'retaking away everything that. It's just so,
it does seem the response doesn't matchthe crime, but I think I
must have in a way because I'mnot. I'm not irresponse like I created
that event in my life, andI will tell you it did. It
did educate me, like to beto be in this situation where things are
(27:17):
taken away from you, it does. It does activate something in you to
be I could say dehumanized, butI was still human being, but to
to to be like what if wetook away everything you own and everything on
your person? Now who are you? But it is it's an interesting experiment.
(27:37):
It's actually yes, yes, Andit was like, okay, I
could, I could. I thinkI would be fine in that environment.
I didn't want to stay there,but it was it is a test of
authenticity, like you you, it'ssomebody who's reliant on their possession, somebody
who's reliant on the things on theirperson. You can't continue being that ego
(28:00):
in that environment. That's why wethat's why we collectively created this space.
Is this is a space where we'regoing to dehumanize you. We're going to
take away the things that you possess. And now who are you? Right?
Yeah, because you can't make mortgagepayments in jail, you can,
you lose everything. But it's justme and some psychotic, fucking French dude
(28:23):
watching Doctor Phil and yeah, witha lot of concrete surrounding us. You
oh Scottish dude, wasn't he orhe was Scottish? I don't know what
was he saying to you? Well? He uh, he told me his
whole story and he was They keptbreathalyzing him and he was point two four
the first time, which was youshouldn't be alive or some shit. But
(28:45):
this dude was telling me how hewent to his stepdaughter's house to steal the
dogs that he that he rightfully ownsor whatever. And it was it was
like it was truly a character likehe could have been on Modern Family.
Like this dude. This dude wasvery funny if you viewed him that way,
because he was so unaware of whatwas going on around him. He
was like, yeah, man,they they arrested me for breaking an entering,
(29:08):
but you know, I bought thehouse, so how can I break
an enter in my own Yeah,he's trying to do his own legal word.
But then I'm going and doing breathalyzerthing at the counter. It's by
the way, jail is like aDMV, which is just a little more
drab, but it's just there's likepeople at there's like booth that you walk
up and you go to the window. Yeah you go up to the window
(29:30):
with papers or not. But it'sa DMV And this dude. I would
go up there and I would bechugging water off the water fountain. I
go up there, I go,can you breathalyze me? Against I go
home and he would follow right behindme. He goes, can you breathalyze
me? Too, And I'm thinkingI would I thought you got in trouble
for stealing dogs or something. Yeah, he's just he's following your lead.
(29:51):
Like this guy's HONESTO, he's probablygonna get out of that. He felt
that, Yeah, he felt that. It's like and I had camaraderie with
this dude. Like nobody wants tobe there, not like we said before,
not even the work. Yeah,they don't want to be there.
God knows, they don't want tobe there. It's brutal, off fireworks.
The only reason I think a womanwould work there is to try to
(30:14):
find some ruffian who she can tryto convert. Oh yeah, yeah,
I mean change a guy, youknow. Yeah, so I could fix
you. Yeah, I could fixyou. I'll see your abs, I
see your packs. I could convertyou. I could civilize you. It's
trying to tame some fucking prisoners tobe my husband. I think that's what
(30:36):
it is. Yeah, it's alot of women work in the fun Yeah,
that's what happened in that, uhthat story. What's the name of
the place in New York, upState New York. They made a movie
with it. It was Benicio delToro. Okay, I'll think of it
like way too late. But yeah, like this this woman and this husband
worked at the jail and she endup having an affair with one of the
(30:56):
prisoners, fell in love and likeall the time, and then like got
in this whole plan, like thembreaking out and running away together. Yeah,
and it's got a really weird name. So romantic. He's so romantic.
I met him, he was inhe was in jail, and I
just I just saw who he reallywas and oh yeah, and he fucked
me really good. Yeah. Andthen and then we did conjural business and
then we decided we should start afamily together. So I used my authority
(31:19):
to abuse the Yeah, and hewasn't he wasn't manipulating. You don't worry
about it. That's gonna be aNetflix series. Fucking oh, it's already
it already is it's I can't thinkof the name. It begins with a
D though. Uh yeah, RichardRamirez. All these serial killers they get
like fanmail and stuff. It's theweirdest thing. See, this is the
thing. So as a writer,because I'll tell you the truth, man,
you are the smartest writer I've evermet in my life. You you
(31:42):
must you must look for these typesof situations to find the new thing.
Uh. Sometimes that'll happen, likelike something will happen in the news or
something like that, and then I'lljust like take it and blow it up
or something like that. Anything cantrigger it. What was the last one
I think I did? I mean, just like one time I saw a
simple thing on like the Bermuda triangle, right, you know, everything disappears,
(32:07):
it always swallows these things, youknow, And I was like,
well, what if one day we'reto spit something back out? Yeah?
And then what if that thing happenedto be like these eighteenth century pirates who
are like trying to return to theFlorida Keys, some of these real men,
yeah, some of these real menthat don't exist in modern day society.
Exactly. You bring back fucking Ericthe Red Now it was back these
(32:28):
fucking real dude. It was CaptainBaccarty, Henri Shaandom Long, John Silver.
Yeah, and then they were beingchased by Lord Higginbottom. They were
trying to get their treasure and theywere trying to return it. So everybody
just be off their backs, youknow what I mean, Like, no
more, we're going legit. Let'sget all our treasure. Let's hit it
back to the crown. Let everybody'soff our backs. We're not criminals.
Lord higginbottoms chasing them. There's thisfucking electromagnetic storm going on in the Bermuda
(32:50):
Triangle. They're heading right into it. Boom. They send Long John Silver
ahead with the map. He rose, He rose in the dinghy, He
gets through few, he disappears.Then they disappear, and they wash up
on the floor. The keys inthe present day, and if it was
any other week other than spring break, somebody might have noticed. But they're
just like walking around looking for theirtreasure. And because Long John Silver went
(33:12):
ahead ten minutes, it turned outto be twenty years. And so while
he's been waiting for them, hestarted a chain of fast food restaurants.
I was waiting for that. Andso he wouldn't lose the map, he
put him on the place mats ofall the people. So that's where the
map is. Dude, I thinkthat, Like, don't you think Mozart
would be offended if he understood thatthe only thing we use this music for
nowadays is to get homeless people notto sleep at that seven to eleven,
(33:37):
Like what you're talking about, likethese fucking real men from the past are
just these bastardized icons that we appropriatenow like we lack, we lack masculinity
in modern day to such an extent, if you, dude, that's why
this would be a great concept.If you brought back a Viking. Oh
(33:57):
yeah, it would be unreal.Yeah, and they like they end up
staying at this would women wouldn't knowwhat to do? No, they and
like they end up staying at thishotel and they teach the guy, the
kid who's running the hotel how tobe a man right and get the girl
and get rid of the bully.And yes, that's so. It's like
a it's like Revenge of Jungle toJungle with Tim Allen. It's yeah,
(34:19):
it's it's it's like it's like it'slike Parts of the Caribbean meets Revenge of
the Nerds. Yeah, you know, it's like love that. Yeah,
that's great because I call it swashbuckledand it's rated R. My my feeling
is that in our search for masculinity, now, if you look at what
people women are into, it's fuckingvampires and pirates and and all these like
mystical like and serial killers by theway, so because that means we're lost,
(34:47):
that means masculinity is lost. We'retalking about I need a vampire,
I need a serial killer to feellike that's a real man. What have
we done this? When they saychivalry is dead, you can also say,
well, so is masculine and whokilled it? Yeah? Absolutely feminism,
But but at the same point,men are searching for these men are
(35:09):
doing surrogate activities to try to tryto feel masculine. You. Oh,
but well I'm not. I can'tprotect you in a fight, but I
can make a lot of money.Yeah, exactly. It's weak. That's
weak horse shit. That doesn't thatdoesn't actually get a pussy wet most of
the time, Like what you're notreally? Oh you got who would show
me your Wells Fargo account? Doesthat? Really? She's gonna make more
(35:32):
than you anyway with her only fans. Exactly exactly. So the money shit
is goofy now, So so nowwho's a man? Now? Do we
want to keep doing this thing wheremen provide? Because we could keep doing
that, we could, We couldchange it too. We both provide and
everything. There's no sex anymore.But if if if men provide, then
(35:53):
what do we provide? What dowe provide? I think, and I
will tell you we started doing agame podcast earlier. I'll tell you I
think if I would to say whatmen provide, it can only be a
stability of mind, because I'll tellyou what women did I meet seek is
(36:14):
some sort of foundation in their thinking. They need their many women, not
all. Many women are emotional andneed some sort of found it like oh,
thank you for thank you for remindingme who I really am, thank
you for seeing me, thank youfor seeing like a reference point. Yes,
(36:38):
okay, that's that's that's what weprovide. I mean, I don't
know, man, I'm trying toI'm trying to interesting build masculinity out of
fucking shreds. It's all happened ina couple of years like it used to
be, Like you know, it'sunfair pay and all that stuff, like
every girl like everyone care, everyevery girl in their twenties or whatever,
like like they're making more money.Yeah, even the fucking I can I
(37:02):
can get us the house and thepay for the thing that's gone. That's
gone. Now, what is aman? Yeah? The ros What is
a man? What is a man? And that's why it's all it's so
goofy, it's sideways right now.Yeah, I don't know. I don't
know what it is. And thenno man, I ask man this all
the time. No man knows whatit is because you don't know what's okay,
what's wrong anymore? And that immediatelyis feminine. Well, I don't
(37:28):
want to be inappropriate. I don'twant to say the wrong. That's that's
not what everyone's looking for. Nowyou're supposed to be yes, yes,
So we're gonna get rid of that, and then it's just gonna be all
lesbian tops fucking you know it'd be. There's a lot of scissoring going on.
We we have to have some definitionof what or we get rid of
(37:52):
a gender, I guess. Butas long as we got the hairy people
and the less hairy people, youknow what, I see that this star
bellied We got the hair bellied sneechesand the hair I see guys like when
they're like can I see your IDs? The guys open their wall, they
(38:13):
take out his id and her idlike it's like you're human trafficking somebody.
It's like taken. I'm like,blink twice if you're under dress right now,
he's got your passport. You can'tget out of this country. Why
does he have the ID? Ijust yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah,
the first he where's the person inthe family. Oh my gosh,
genius. Personally, I try tonot wear the pants in the relationship,
(38:34):
if you know what I'm saying.Hey, oh all right, sorry,
I'm not gonna lie folks. Wewe did a little little break for a
little mid game, a couple ofshots, some nose beers mid game.
Yeah, game exactly. We gottakeep it going. Post game interview,
Yeah, we had. We hadmore conversation about jail. Oh man,
I can't believe it. I'm gladthat you were on the top of the
world though you had a great tour, and then that happens so kind of
(38:57):
brought you down to even, youknow, I mean, at least you're
at even. You broke even.Yeah, It's an interesting thing because when
you get too high, the universehas a way of I'm reminding you.
I always tell this story. Ionce won like five hundred dollars on a
scratch ticket, and then when Ipulled out of the convenience store, four
flat tires and it costs me likelike just over like five hundred dollars.
So for five minutes, I wasso happy. I was like I was
(39:20):
like seven eighteen or something like that. It was no free lunch. The
universe is is entropy? All right, welcome to the comedy podcast. Everybody,
We're gonna talk about entropy. Cheeryou all up. So you got
some shows coming up around Denver?Right, yeah, I'm doing comedy Works
Sunday, and then got some theygot a tour in a week. We
(39:45):
got a tour in a week whereyou going, I am going to Wyoming.
Okay, two shows Wyoming and thenSterling. It's it's really glorious stuff.
How is like how does this stuffplay in Wyoming? You have to
switch it up from Denver like Wyomingor can you get away with more?
Yeah? Yeah, but Wyoming isfun because it's very Hunter Thompson libertarian,
(40:07):
say what you want, like,say whatever you want. It is.
It is people who just want toown their ship, and it's very people
believe in freedom there, right,So you don't have to be woke and
walk on eggshells. Absolutely not.Okay, nice, I guess I would
crush in Wyoming. Then, no, you should do it. All right,
let's go, well, come Iwill after the Stormy show in New
(40:30):
York. Oh, that's gonna beamazing. I think New York is good
too, because it's such a mixtureof people. Yeah yeah, like LA,
I would do like those jokes thatlike in Denver, where it's like
the all white audience who get offendedon behalf of groups they don't belong to.
Exactly, offended, offended, vicarious, Yeah, on behalf of the
(40:50):
fat people who aren't here. I'moffended on behalf of the black people I've
never met, Yeah, exactly.They get so mad. But then like
when I would do these jokes infront of the Los Angeles Melting Pot,
like they would love it. Theywould love it. Yeah, like my
closer I used to I had alive Mexican guy as my closer. I
would get my bar back and myjoke was they like me, and I
(41:14):
go all right, I don't liketo get political. But before I get
out of here, you know everyone'stalking about SP ten seventy, stopping for
risk if you don't have your paperworkmena sending back to Mexico. And that's
just bullshit because everybody in southern Californiain the southwest United States, knows that
Mexican people, for the most part, generally are very hard working, honest
people. They work long days allthe days, they don't take time off.
(41:36):
They have several jobs. They cookour food, raise our children,
building our homes. They do everythingright, so we don't have to work
hard, right, And I go, you know, now they think about
it. Me up here telling youguys these jokes making up. This is
hard work. I shouldn't have towork this hard. I'm from here.
Hold on a second, Ignacio,Ignacio. So I call out into the
(41:58):
crowd. They might get a survey. Then my bar back, my barback,
who I had paid one hundred andfifty dollars too and bought bureau and
it comes out in a poncho anda sombrero comes up on stage. I
clearly give him a one dollar billand a piece of paper, and he's
like, I would have been heresooner, but I missed my exit trying
to solve a license plate. That'sthat's great, and it will be if
(42:24):
it were really true that these peopleare stealing our jobs and they should be
be fulfilling all of the Well,what I'm saying is they're not stealing jobs.
I'm saying there there. They coulddo anything, including stand up comedy.
Like I had him tell like threejokes for a dollar and I underpaid
them at the comedy store, likeon a Friday night. It was hilarious
and people be like meee slap andeverything, like you know, Asians,
(42:45):
Mexicans, black people, white people. Everybody's laughing in Denver. If I
did that, oh my god,it'd be so canceled. I wouldn't even
have a barked any job anymore.Well, Denver is a interesting mix because
we don't really belong to any likeit's all pretend it's all what we should
(43:06):
be Denver. Is that Denver doesn'thave an actual identity. That's what's goofy
about it. That's why I likeit here, honestly, because it's all
just it's all pretending that we belongto these other groups, but we don't.
And it's a in the middle ofthe country. You know, we
(43:27):
did eradicate some natives, but it'sit is really just it's just a bunch
of different groups of people that camehere because they liked it, and and
then then we try to ingratiate ourselvesinto these other La New York cultures.
But that's not what it really is. It's not it's it's just like a
it's like a little little oasis inthe middle of the mountains. Yes,
(43:51):
it's like an urban oasis. It'saye. There's no competition around. That's
why there's so many people wearing thatcolor. Beautiful, beautiful. That's why
we all live here. It's becausebeautiful. It feels good. Yeah,
it's awesome, and it's just theonly thing that ruins it. It's the
people. It's like LA, Yes, beautiful, but the people ruin it.
Well, yeah, California. Californiawas wonderful until everybody found out about
(44:13):
it. Yeah, and now nowyou say Colorado's the new, it's Austin's
the new. It's like the Lain the mountains, Like in the sense
that like any girl that I date, I don't have to meet her parents
because she's not from here. That'sgreat. Yeah, that's my favorite.
All right, Alan, any anyfinal thoughts before we close this sucker out?
(44:36):
Well, this is a show aboutmishaps at bars. Yeah, we
haven't even touched on those. Thankyou for bringing up the actual theme of
my show that I've had for fouryears, and I forgot everything behind bars,
cocktails and wasted nights, weird barstories, club stories. Okay,
yeah, what do we got anythingcrazy in the comedy clubs? Because that's
all you do, right, Youdon't do anything else. You're just a
(44:57):
true comedian. Yeah, well asfar as but that's how I make my
living. But I will tell youin Denver there's a couple of places I
can't go back from doing what Ido. And it's always it's interesting thing
that I mean, you've been eightysix from some places, yes, several
(45:20):
places. Oh no, let's gohow did this happen? Okay, Okay,
Well I'll tell you. There wasa place that I really loved.
It was called the Streets of Londonthat I would go perform at. But
they were a it was what itwas was a former Nazi bar that was
(45:40):
trying to rebrand as a woke spot. Nazi bar. Yeah, I was
a biker Nazi bar. I wastrying to rebrand as a super woke spot.
Okay, just the other end ofthe spectrum entirely. Yes. And
but then now they have comedy andthere's that energy in the room of let's
have fun, but don't say anything. Yeah, don't make fun of anything.
(46:04):
Yeah, it's comedy, don't makefun of anything. Okay. So
I go up one night and itwas and these are all my friends in
the audience too, and I goup and I go, hey, man,
it's getting a little woke. Andhere it's getting a little progressive,
man, because you can't even sayit, like, it's not even fair
(46:28):
anymore. You you're not supposed tosay this ship You used to be able
to say it, like you usedto be able to us, be able
to You can't even call burger kingMcDonald's anymore. He's fucking pretending not to
live in the corner. But sothat's what I said. And now I
cannot go back. I can't goback there. And also I will tell
(46:51):
you it was a good joke becausebecause it's just a joke, like you
appreciate that as a as a writer, that's funny, because I clearly don't
mean that. Of course, it'sjust being sarcastic. So think it's burger
king. But yeah, and burgerKing is truly terrible. Yeah, you
can. They deserve it. Theydo like they pretend to be twenty four
hours and you show up in thesemeth heads are fucking won't even give you.
(47:14):
It doesn't matter how much money yougot, you can't get a whopper.
But so I don't like burking thatmuch. I'm not kidding that really,
but it's not racist. I justdon't. I think you should just
step it up. And then soI keep performing at this place, and
(47:37):
and then a few weeks later,I get in trouble and I'm talking of
this guy backstage and we're arguing aboutall the stuff that's happening in the news.
And this was this is probably fouror five years ago, where everything
was about how violent white people areand white people are just killing every the
school shooters and mass shooters and allthis stuff. And I said this guy,
(47:59):
I said, man, you know, uh, all the best mass
shooters were South American and you knowand and and actually, like black people
probably kill kill more people than they'reprobably more violent than than white people,
if you want to do statistics onit. And this dude got in my
(48:20):
face about he was like, whywould you say that? And they I
will tell you, man, Iwas just I was just talking to a
guy. After my set. Theykicked me out of this bar. They
kicked me out. They said,you can't come back here. You can't
ever say that shit again. BecauseI was talking to this black guy and
it was like, we're we're,we're gonna protect what's happening here. And
he was he was like, listen, man, I can't you know.
(48:44):
He was trying to tell me whitepeople more violent than black people, and
he took a swing at me already. Yeah, and then and they kicked
me out. They kicked me out, and I'll think about going back and
shooting the place up because because that'shorseshit, that's such horshit. Do some
(49:05):
cheek breath after, make sure Igotta do that, Proni Yama Kenny g
Wow. All right, So that'sa good eighty six story. You got
a couple other ones? Oh youknow me too? Well, yeah,
let's go. What else do wegot? Well, I've been eighty six
to bunch of places and it's it'salways you got eighty six from my bar.
But I just waited till everybody quitor got right, because that was
(49:30):
during lockdown times. I didn't wantto wear a mask, and and that
was that was revolutionary. If yousaid I don't want to cover my mouth
yep. And so I got kickedout for that nonsense. But then I've
gotten I mean, it's interesting.I'll tell you. I went to,
(49:50):
Uh, there's a great open micthat I that was part of my foundation
as a comedian at Lion's Layer onColfax. Yes, and still there,
and it's it was part of myhistory as a comedian. I went back
there not long ago and I washanging out. I was talking to the
bartender. I was talking to theowner and whatever, and I go,
(50:12):
you know, this is interesting nowbecause it's getting soft, like we're talking
about masculinity and whatever. It wasgetting soft, like the whole thing's the
whole thing's changing now, Like it'snot. It's not the same dynamic that
it used to be, where youwould where everybody roasted each other. Everybody
was everybody's mean to try to enhanceeach other. Right, It's not that
way anymore. And I was tellingthat to the to but I'm telling that
(50:37):
to that dude, and I said, you know, it's interesting how it
is now because I remember coming hereand y'all did, like the host would
just go on the back and fuckingsnort cocaine and and come back and be
real mean to everybody, and likethat was my foundation. He goes,
No, nobody ever did that.And I was like, oh, I'm
sorry, Like I don't uh yeah, I mean, I don't know.
(51:00):
But it was just they were mean. They were mean. He was like,
okay, And then three or fourminutes later, he walks up for
me to the bar. He goes, why would you say that shit?
Why the fuck would you say thatshit? I go, no, listen,
man, I love this place.I love this place. I love
doing comedy here. He goes,I can't believe you would ever say that
shit to me. You were eightysix. You can't come back here ever
(51:22):
again. And they were literally bouncers, wow, pulling my arms back.
And that's crazy. You're trying torewrite the fucking history of this place.
Many this is what made us strong. Yeah, but you know, you
know if you own a bar andyou yeah, you can't talk about those
that can't be known. You can'ttalk about those things. So I can't
(51:43):
go back there anymore. That's thatwas the weirdest one I've ever encountered.
Wow. Like he went and thoughtabout it. He stood over there,
he went back, did a linein the back with his fucking with his
fucking witch, fucking bartender who youknow, we try to jerk me off
three hours later and it was thesefucking losers. And then he comes back
(52:05):
and tell me you can't say thatin my bar, and I was like,
all right, I won't and hegoes still, you can't ever come
back. It's the it's it's theego, Like I would say, when
you do this with like when youown a place of levity, but you
have this feeling of insecurity about we'renot allowed to do certain things here.
(52:28):
That's what's fucked up. That's what'sfucked up. Because I would I would
say to this, to this guywho I know that he is actually a
champion of comedy and he's helped alot of comedy in his life, but
he's just afraid of the law.Yeah, and then he pulled that shit.
No, and he did. Butyou know, you know these dudes
at bars who bring if you bringthat ship up, it's don't ever don't
(52:51):
ever come back. My favorite storyof the bar or I worked work,
there's this guy all he had todo was go home. He's a but
he stayed and he had a coupleof drinks and he started walking around going
up to tables, told this onetable that he was part owner and he
could get them cocaine if they wanted. Offered that up like it was a
(53:14):
server. Did not all have accessto cocaine. He was like about saying
he was like five three, getfun fun. He was five three,
and he would try to drink likehe was six feet tall. And then
so he was fired. It's likeyou get fired in your bar after your
shift. You weren't even on thesehere, can't you can't. It's like
the uh, it's like bull Durham, cocksucker up. You're ejected. You
(53:37):
must have called them a cocksucker.Wow, That's that's the taboo. And
I've learned that. I've learned thatI would never do it again. That's
I understand the taboos. Now anyuh any uh lady action in the bathrooms
or backstage or anything like that,or do you take it off off the
premiss I mean, dude, Iwish I wish I had fucking I'm I've
(53:59):
met women shows who sometimes it sometimesit happens, but chuckle fucker's yeah,
but never right on them right thepremises. Yeah, I mean, that's
it's more of a bar staff thing. Well, I envy you don't.
It's really stupidest. Yeah, liquorprobably probably fucking The tongue feels like sandpaper,
(54:22):
and she's fucking just waiting for thatnext line. Oh you're not,
Yeah, you're not even there's nokissing involved, it's just yeah, no,
it's all it's a it's all belowdeck. It's just like flies are
undone and then pumping begins. Well, that's fun too. It's like a
nature film, except in the wild. It's a liquor cage. Morgan Freeman,
(54:45):
I know the coke head follows thefiend into the bathroom. Oh,
it's a hell of a drug.Well, folks, that's comedian Alan Bromwell,
based on Denver. Catch them ontour lookout for He's hilarious as you've
just heard. Thanks so much forcoming down. Now, this is a
blast man. I love you too, buddy. All right, everybody,
(55:07):
we'll see you on the next one. Cheers. Well, it's last call,
so let me give you a tip. If you order eight lemon drops
and forget the ninth one, it'salready too late. Any additional shot needed
after children dress shots have been servedwill be of the tequila or whiskey.
Nature only as is room temperature.It's your fault and I'm only enabling you
(55:27):
to piss off the next bartender ifI don't teach you the lesson what I'm
on a mission here, folks,it's been a blast. You don't have
to go home, but you can'tstay here. And a call to my
fellow boostlinger sending your stories to Cocktailsand Wasted Nights At gmail dot com.
You can remain anonymous if you'd like. Thanks for listening, subscribing, downloading,
and spreading the word. Don't beafraid to give me a good review,
even if you're lying. It reallydoes help build our community of barbarians.
(55:51):
And check out my video. Justclose it on YouTube. You will
laugh, damn it. If youwant to support the podcast, you can
do that on Patreon. Link isin the show notes. We'll see you
next time. One behind Bars,Cocktails and Wasted Nights. Cheers, pop
popas and pip Pip popop Popo andpip Popopo