March 27, 2024 • 15 mins
A Baller, An After Party, A Scooter Wipe Out, Fake Boobs and a 911 Call
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Do you mind if I get astraw? I don't want to stain my
teeth. It's a vodka soda.Man, what can I get you drunk?
(00:28):
Welcome to episode sixty of Behind Bars, Cocktails and Wasted Nights. I'm
your host, Greg. I've beenworking as a bartender for over twenty years,
and over those years, I've seena lot. My goal here is
to share some of those high andlow lights with you. Quick warning,
this podcast contained sex, drugs,and some language that isn't suitable for anyone
under twenty one years of age.So you gotta have some id barbarians.
(00:50):
It's been a minute missed you guys. How are you you good? That's
great to hear. Oh me,I'm super thanks for escing. I appreciate
your concern for my well being.I have a pretty good one for you
today. It happened a few monthsago. But before we get into it,
you'll need a drink for this one. I recommend the penicillin because there's
(01:11):
kind of a medical aspect to this. Sukca. It's a riff on a
gold Rush, which is a bourbonbased Ah christ, I just said it's
a riff on. Someone punched mein the face anyway the penicillin. Pour
two ounces of blended Scotch doers isfine into a mixington filled with ice,
Add three quarters of an ounce oflemon juice and three quarters of an ounce
(01:32):
of honey ginger syrup and shake itup, baby eeh. Strain that shit
into a rocks glass with fresh iceand top with a quarter ounce of single
malt. Don't go crazy with anObahn or McCowan. Glen Fiddick is great.
Garnish with candied ginger and cure what'sailin you? And as always,
if you don't have any of thatshit lying around, your doctor recommends a
(01:53):
shot at tequila and a stripe ofGizmo What don't like the Gremlins reference,
you should. The Grevlin's rules arethe same as the rules for cocaine.
You don't get it wet, Youdon't feed after midnight. If you're doing
rails, you're not touching food.And stay out of the sun easy.
How many times have you ducked outof an uber into your house while some
citizen jogger passes you on the sidewalkat sunrise? See same rules. Also
(02:17):
full disclosure. I'm not a doctor, I just play one on a podcast.
Okay, on with the story.It was a mild mannered fall Sunday
like any other, except this onewas special. It was just the managers
who you've met in a previous episodelast Night on the Job. Obviously,
she's a total g so a ratherlarge gathering of off duty coworkers had assembled
(02:38):
to both celebrate and bemoan her departurefrom our fine establishment. They'd been in
bibing responsibly, just kidding at HighLonesome, a local haunt frequented by locals
and industry pros who got cut beforeone am. I was still at work
behind the Pine, but assured everyoneI'd be entering the fray as soon as
humanly possible. I finally gave lastcall, cleaned up, did some inventory
(03:00):
incorrectly to prove it was mindless busywork and that management wasn't actually looking at
our numbers and just employing scare tacticsto make sure the high news weren't being
given away. Oh then I countedthe money in gtfo't. By the time
I was walking to my car,I'd been informed plans had taken a fun
turn. The crew had unanimously decidedon a change of venue, specifically one
with more nudity. I wasn't madat that. It had been a year
(03:23):
since I'd been to the ballet.The last time I been to the Nudi
Bar, I ended up in aVIP lounge with a baller my buddy knew,
who was getting singles brought to himon a silver platter. By the
thousand, he was making a rain, to the point that singles carpeted the
floor and some were even stuck inthe ceiling. Every dancer in the house
was in our section, getting nakedand drinking. It was heaven. There
(03:44):
were bottles and buckets grey Goose innineteen forty two. Now I know the
aforementioned baller didn't know me, andbecause of that, I can assure all
of you I had a twige ofdiscomfort when I cracked that nineteen forty two
open and helped myself a lot.After the first drink, I was a
lap dance aggressively. The best partof this I literally had no money.
(04:04):
Because of this fact, I hadprotested going in in the first place,
But as my buddy had informed meand it turned out to be true,
I didn't need any and then Ishould stop worrying about it at all,
so I did. When the clubclosed, we ended up at the Ballers
downtown penthouse. Oh, and thedancers came with us, and we kept
the party going. At this point, the spotlight was now shining on my
(04:25):
empty wallet. It was impossible tohide in the after party setting. Yo,
can I talk to you? Theballer host asked me as he led
me onto the balcony. Shit,he's gonna throw me off. He's gonna
kick me out at least. Idon't know what the guy does for a
living, but I had some ideas. Yo. Why aren't you getting dances
or tip of the girls, heasked. Oh, I'm flat broke till
payday. Man. I appreciate thehospitality, thanks for having me. Make
(04:47):
sure you stop into my spot.I'll get you a drink. We have
six strippers, booze and a tonof blow and you want to go?
Actually, no, no, Idon't. I said, you're my boy's
friend. That means you're my friend. Here, he said, and handed
me two one hundred dollars stacks.I was astonished, frozen, staring at
this stranger on a penthouse balcony,surrounded by the skyscraping forest of Denver's downtown
(05:09):
district. Then I looked at themoney in my hands. To be honest,
the first thought I had was cool, can I leave now and take
the two sticks with me? Butobviously that would be bad form. As
I stood there dumbfounded, the ballersaid don't go out there without a full
clip and disappeared back inside. Soyeah, some guy handed me two hundred
bucks to buy lap dances in hispenthouse after party till the sun came up.
(05:31):
I could have used that money,because that night I got so hammered,
I beckied and lost my house keysand had to call a locksmith.
Fuck my life, but I digress. I called just as I get into
my car and helped guide the drunkengroup thing currently going on into heading to
Diamond Cabaret versus Shotgun Willie's, asDiamond was much closer and it was getting
late. Plus it's a cheaper uber, more time for tits, less money
(05:53):
for the ride, simple math.Everyone got on board. There was one
problem though. We had a mandown. Adam Our Abercrombie model Bostonian barback
was cocked proper and decided he'd scooterdown low highs uneven in Staccato's Shelle sidewalks
and went over the handlebars and landedon his face. He was f fucked
(06:15):
up. I'll post a picture onthe social medi's it was bad. I
got there and it was a gaggleof worried, drunk chicks, freaking out
employees, debating whether or not tocall an ambulance. I found them halfway
between the high loans of an osagestreet. You know, so there wasn't
an exact address and it would beeasy, just kidding. Adam's face was
bloodied, had a couple of goodgashes, and when I got out to
talk to him it was clear hewas severely concussed. I'll take care of
(06:39):
him. I said, you guysgo, I'll meet you at Diamonds.
After a few no, greg,no, it's not your problem and other
protests, I assure them this wasthe best move, as they were all
blotto and not thinking straight. Igot him. We'll catch up. Come
on, buddy. Adam piled intothe passenger seat. That's when the struggle
began. I handed him a toweland he began blotting off the blood.
(07:00):
Let's get you to a hospital.Fucked that. I just want to go
home. I want to go home, go to sleep. I'm fine.
No you're not. I said,you just had a serious head injury.
The last thing you do is goto sleep. You do that, you
don't wake up. I'm fine.Just take me home. I'm taking you
to a hospital. You're taking meto a hospital. Sure, Am.
I reached the stop sign, andthat's when Adam decided to hop out of
(07:23):
my car and run away. FuckingBoston guys, you can't let him get
that drunk. Shit gets weird asfuck. I didn't have to chase him,
though, because after a few strides, he stopped and vomited all over
a sidewalk tree, another concussion symptom. This was getting ridiculous, so I
decided to placate him. Yo,get in the car. I'll take you
home. I'll follow you anywhere,Greg. I'll follow you anywhere was a
(07:45):
phrase he didn't remember repeating the entiretyof the rest of our ride that night,
but a phrase I remind him ofby repeating it to him at work
way too often. Follow you anywhere, Greg. But he got back in
and we drove, and I promisedi'd take him to his house and I'd
deliver. I just had to askone question, So, do you have
any drugs or guns at your house? No? He didn't even ask me
(08:07):
why I asked him that I askedbecause I knew i'drop him off. But
I was definitely sending the cops therefor a welfare check as soon as I
did. Just wanted to make surehe got to the hospital and not jail.
The kid was locked out of hisphone because he couldn't remember his pass
code. He couldn't tell me whatmy last name was. More troubling and
troublesome, he couldn't remember his address. Luckily, I had an idea,
because I'd brought him home after workin a snowstorm of the year before a
(08:30):
couple of times. Unluckily, Isuffered from a lack of any type of
a sense of direction or memory ofhow to get to places I've been before,
so I couldn't figure it out,but I knew I was close.
Eventually, as he followed me anywhere, I found the gate to his apartment
complex. Now, because he lockedhimself out of his phone, he didn't
have access to the fog that openedthe gate that let cars in. There
was a sidewalk gate you could usea physical key on which he had to
(08:52):
walk through. But instead of electingto walk through the sidewalk gate, Adam
thanked me for the ride and proceededto lay down and do an Indiana Jones
role under the car gate and somehowget through, stand up, and wobble
his way into the darkness. Therewere several buildings on this campus, and
I had no clue which one washis. I didn't know what his physical
address was. How was I goingto send the cops there? So I
(09:13):
called the GM at twelve forty fiveam on his night off. He wasn't
happy, but once I explained thesituation, it was cool. He was
able to access the employee files andgive me the address. I pulled away
from the gate and parked alongside thedriveway entrance and called nine to one to
one. I explained the situation,how he was unwilling to go to the
(09:33):
hospital. Why do we say thehospital versus a hospital, By the way,
it implies there's just one hospital,But I digress. He didn't want
to go to the hospital, butI was pretty sure he had a concussion
that needed stitches, and I neededa welfare check. Sent over there.
So do you want us to sendan ambulance? Sir? Now send the
police and let them decide. Isaid, we have insurance from work,
(09:54):
but I didn't want to run upthe kid's bill. I gave the operator
the address. Then I remembered Ihad some bliz, took some shots,
and there was a party awaiting.I heard myself say, so do I
have to wait? Or no,sir, you don't. Thanks for helping
them. We'll let you know howthings progress. Thank you very much,
ma'am. I hang up and typeDiamond Cabaret in my GPS and make my
(10:16):
way to heaven. I slightly feellike a shit bag for leaving him,
but I wanted to see jess offbecause she's an absolute gem. I somehow
find a parking spot right in frontof the club, a sign that this
was meant to be, and quellthe butterflies as I walk in. I
love walking into a strip joint.The promise of super hot naked babes,
so much possibility. What if onelikes me? I walk inside. It's
(10:37):
dead as a door nail. There'slike three patrons on this Sunday night.
The dancers at the bar turn theirheads to see who's walked in, and
after sizing me up from across theclub, they immediately turned back around as
it's obvious I'm no baller. Thelate fifties bald ponytail host in a suit
welcomes me in, explains he alreadygave last call, but if I wanted
to do a shot, he'd waivethe cover charge. I'll grab a shot.
(11:00):
Hey, I'm looking for some friends. I text Chess. Nothing,
I found out later they decided tohit another bar before getting to the Ballet
for the last call. Someone pukedand they took that as a sign to
hang it up for the night.But I didn't know that at the time.
Well, I guess I'm flying solo. I looked to the host.
Do I still have time for alap dance? Absolutely, sir. The
girls were over at the bar perfect. I had my heart set on some
(11:24):
grinding. I make my way betweenthe various stages toward the bar. We're
out of nowhere. A sexual superherogoddess grabs my wrist and says, I
like your jacket, complimenting my grayleather with built in hoodie and a few
Michael Jackson zippers on the front Amazonpage one, I say. She laughs
and says, do you want todance? Amazon page one. I'm in
(11:46):
love and we're off to the bonerroom. She's gorgeous. We're chatting until
a new song starts. I'm makingher laugh. She's making me hard.
White thigh high leather boots, whitethong exposed at the top and bottom because
the white headband she's wearing is atcan't cover it. White top, and
bosom so well enhanced. I wantto give her plastic sturgeon, a few
ones I have in my clip.The new song starts, She straddles me,
(12:09):
starts grinding. She lifts her top, which was probably the skirt in
this ensemble, exposing those glorious tancantalopes, and grabs my wrist and firmly
plants my hands on them, playingpuppeteer as she squeezes herself with my hands,
letting me know it's fine and Ican squeeze and caress at my liking.
I'm on another planet as she gyrates. When I feel an intense vibration
(12:31):
against my right ass cheek. Comeon, not now, Jess, I'll
let it go to voicemail. Thevibration eventually stops a second later, the
vibration kicks back on. Hang on, gorgeous, I say, as I
reach for my phone, keeping myother firmly cupping her left breast. My
phone screen reads restricted. Oh shit, Adam, I completely forgot Hello,
(12:52):
I answer, Is this Greg Studleyspeaking? I say, yeah, right,
speaking over the music thumping through myears in the phones's mouthpiece. So
this is Officer Garb. We wantto let you know Adam was taken to
the hospital and treated for a concussionand he received several stitches for his wounds.
Just wanted to update you and thankyou for your concern. Thanks officer
God, what a piece of shitI am. He obviously knows I'm in
(13:15):
a club of some kind, notgiving a shit in this moment. Thanks
again for helping out. Have agood night, and you as well.
I hang up, thinking that myversion of helping out was one step above
driving by an emergency room entrance andkicking an opiate overdose out of the car
and then speeding away. Who isthat, the exquisite dancer asked the cops.
I say, the cops. Yeah, Wait, does this make me
(13:37):
the only guy in the history oflaugh dances to take a call from the
cops with a boob in my hand. We'll never know. I have no
idea how you'd even research that,so I'm just gonna tell myself I'm the
only one. Well, it's lastcall, so let me give you a
tip. Stop asking bartenders to sendthat girl a drink on me. You
don't know if she's had enough already, or if she's got a boyfriend or
(13:58):
even wants to talk to you.Also, this is in seventh grade and
I'm too old to pass notes foryou. Grow up, grow balls,
and go talk to her. Thentake the hint if she's not into your
witty banter, and go back toyour seat. For the love of all
things holy fuck. Okay, I'mdone, folks. It's been a blast.
You don't have to go home,but you can't stay here. And
(14:18):
a call to my fellow boo slingers. Send in your stories to Cocktails and
Wasted Nights at gmail dot com.You can remain anonymous if you'd like.
Thanks for listening, subscribing, downloading, and spreading the word. Don't be
afraid to give me a good review, even if you're lying. It really
does help build our community of barbarians. And check out my video just close
it on YouTube. You will laugh. Damn it. We'll see you next
(14:39):
time I'm behind bars, cocktails andwasted nights. Cheers. He then pas
Do you mind if I get astraw? I don't want to stain my
teeth. It's a vodka soda.Man, what can I get you drunk?
(00:28):
Welcome to episode sixty of Behind Bars, Cocktails and Wasted Nights. I'm
your host, Greg. I've beenworking as a bartender for over twenty years,
and over those years, I've seena lot. My goal here is
to share some of those high andlow lights with you. Quick warning,
this podcast contained sex, drugs,and some language that isn't suitable for anyone
under twenty one years of age.So you gotta have some id barbarians.
(00:50):
It's been a minute missed you guys. How are you you good? That's
great to hear. Oh me,I'm super thanks for escing. I appreciate
your concern for my well being.I have a pretty good one for you
today. It happened a few monthsago. But before we get into it,
you'll need a drink for this one. I recommend the penicillin because there's
(01:11):
kind of a medical aspect to this. Sukca. It's a riff on a
gold Rush, which is a bourbonbased Ah christ, I just said it's
a riff on. Someone punched mein the face anyway the penicillin. Pour
two ounces of blended Scotch doers isfine into a mixington filled with ice,
Add three quarters of an ounce oflemon juice and three quarters of an ounce
(01:32):
of honey ginger syrup and shake itup, baby eeh. Strain that shit
into a rocks glass with fresh iceand top with a quarter ounce of single
malt. Don't go crazy with anObahn or McCowan. Glen Fiddick is great.
Garnish with candied ginger and cure what'sailin you? And as always,
if you don't have any of thatshit lying around, your doctor recommends a
(01:53):
shot at tequila and a stripe ofGizmo What don't like the Gremlins reference,
you should. The Grevlin's rules arethe same as the rules for cocaine.
You don't get it wet, Youdon't feed after midnight. If you're doing
rails, you're not touching food.And stay out of the sun easy.
How many times have you ducked outof an uber into your house while some
citizen jogger passes you on the sidewalkat sunrise? See same rules. Also
(02:17):
full disclosure. I'm not a doctor, I just play one on a podcast.
Okay, on with the story.It was a mild mannered fall Sunday
like any other, except this onewas special. It was just the managers
who you've met in a previous episodelast Night on the Job. Obviously,
she's a total g so a ratherlarge gathering of off duty coworkers had assembled
(02:38):
to both celebrate and bemoan her departurefrom our fine establishment. They'd been in
bibing responsibly, just kidding at HighLonesome, a local haunt frequented by locals
and industry pros who got cut beforeone am. I was still at work
behind the Pine, but assured everyoneI'd be entering the fray as soon as
humanly possible. I finally gave lastcall, cleaned up, did some inventory
(03:00):
incorrectly to prove it was mindless busywork and that management wasn't actually looking at
our numbers and just employing scare tacticsto make sure the high news weren't being
given away. Oh then I countedthe money in gtfo't. By the time
I was walking to my car,I'd been informed plans had taken a fun
turn. The crew had unanimously decidedon a change of venue, specifically one
with more nudity. I wasn't madat that. It had been a year
(03:23):
since I'd been to the ballet.The last time I been to the Nudi
Bar, I ended up in aVIP lounge with a baller my buddy knew,
who was getting singles brought to himon a silver platter. By the
thousand, he was making a rain, to the point that singles carpeted the
floor and some were even stuck inthe ceiling. Every dancer in the house
was in our section, getting nakedand drinking. It was heaven. There
(03:44):
were bottles and buckets grey Goose innineteen forty two. Now I know the
aforementioned baller didn't know me, andbecause of that, I can assure all
of you I had a twige ofdiscomfort when I cracked that nineteen forty two
open and helped myself a lot.After the first drink, I was a
lap dance aggressively. The best partof this I literally had no money.
(04:04):
Because of this fact, I hadprotested going in in the first place,
But as my buddy had informed meand it turned out to be true,
I didn't need any and then Ishould stop worrying about it at all,
so I did. When the clubclosed, we ended up at the Ballers
downtown penthouse. Oh, and thedancers came with us, and we kept
the party going. At this point, the spotlight was now shining on my
(04:25):
empty wallet. It was impossible tohide in the after party setting. Yo,
can I talk to you? Theballer host asked me as he led
me onto the balcony. Shit,he's gonna throw me off. He's gonna
kick me out at least. Idon't know what the guy does for a
living, but I had some ideas. Yo. Why aren't you getting dances
or tip of the girls, heasked. Oh, I'm flat broke till
payday. Man. I appreciate thehospitality, thanks for having me. Make
(04:47):
sure you stop into my spot.I'll get you a drink. We have
six strippers, booze and a tonof blow and you want to go?
Actually, no, no, Idon't. I said, you're my boy's
friend. That means you're my friend. Here, he said, and handed
me two one hundred dollars stacks.I was astonished, frozen, staring at
this stranger on a penthouse balcony,surrounded by the skyscraping forest of Denver's downtown
(05:09):
district. Then I looked at themoney in my hands. To be honest,
the first thought I had was cool, can I leave now and take
the two sticks with me? Butobviously that would be bad form. As
I stood there dumbfounded, the ballersaid don't go out there without a full
clip and disappeared back inside. Soyeah, some guy handed me two hundred
bucks to buy lap dances in hispenthouse after party till the sun came up.
(05:31):
I could have used that money,because that night I got so hammered,
I beckied and lost my house keysand had to call a locksmith.
Fuck my life, but I digress. I called just as I get into
my car and helped guide the drunkengroup thing currently going on into heading to
Diamond Cabaret versus Shotgun Willie's, asDiamond was much closer and it was getting
late. Plus it's a cheaper uber, more time for tits, less money
(05:53):
for the ride, simple math.Everyone got on board. There was one
problem though. We had a mandown. Adam Our Abercrombie model Bostonian barback
was cocked proper and decided he'd scooterdown low highs uneven in Staccato's Shelle sidewalks
and went over the handlebars and landedon his face. He was f fucked
(06:15):
up. I'll post a picture onthe social medi's it was bad. I
got there and it was a gaggleof worried, drunk chicks, freaking out
employees, debating whether or not tocall an ambulance. I found them halfway
between the high loans of an osagestreet. You know, so there wasn't
an exact address and it would beeasy, just kidding. Adam's face was
bloodied, had a couple of goodgashes, and when I got out to
talk to him it was clear hewas severely concussed. I'll take care of
(06:39):
him. I said, you guysgo, I'll meet you at Diamonds.
After a few no, greg,no, it's not your problem and other
protests, I assure them this wasthe best move, as they were all
blotto and not thinking straight. Igot him. We'll catch up. Come
on, buddy. Adam piled intothe passenger seat. That's when the struggle
began. I handed him a toweland he began blotting off the blood.
(07:00):
Let's get you to a hospital.Fucked that. I just want to go
home. I want to go home, go to sleep. I'm fine.
No you're not. I said,you just had a serious head injury.
The last thing you do is goto sleep. You do that, you
don't wake up. I'm fine.Just take me home. I'm taking you
to a hospital. You're taking meto a hospital. Sure, Am.
I reached the stop sign, andthat's when Adam decided to hop out of
(07:23):
my car and run away. FuckingBoston guys, you can't let him get
that drunk. Shit gets weird asfuck. I didn't have to chase him,
though, because after a few strides, he stopped and vomited all over
a sidewalk tree, another concussion symptom. This was getting ridiculous, so I
decided to placate him. Yo,get in the car. I'll take you
home. I'll follow you anywhere,Greg. I'll follow you anywhere was a
(07:45):
phrase he didn't remember repeating the entiretyof the rest of our ride that night,
but a phrase I remind him ofby repeating it to him at work
way too often. Follow you anywhere, Greg. But he got back in
and we drove, and I promisedi'd take him to his house and I'd
deliver. I just had to askone question, So, do you have
any drugs or guns at your house? No? He didn't even ask me
(08:07):
why I asked him that I askedbecause I knew i'drop him off. But
I was definitely sending the cops therefor a welfare check as soon as I
did. Just wanted to make surehe got to the hospital and not jail.
The kid was locked out of hisphone because he couldn't remember his pass
code. He couldn't tell me whatmy last name was. More troubling and
troublesome, he couldn't remember his address. Luckily, I had an idea,
because I'd brought him home after workin a snowstorm of the year before a
(08:30):
couple of times. Unluckily, Isuffered from a lack of any type of
a sense of direction or memory ofhow to get to places I've been before,
so I couldn't figure it out,but I knew I was close.
Eventually, as he followed me anywhere, I found the gate to his apartment
complex. Now, because he lockedhimself out of his phone, he didn't
have access to the fog that openedthe gate that let cars in. There
was a sidewalk gate you could usea physical key on which he had to
(08:52):
walk through. But instead of electingto walk through the sidewalk gate, Adam
thanked me for the ride and proceededto lay down and do an Indiana Jones
role under the car gate and somehowget through, stand up, and wobble
his way into the darkness. Therewere several buildings on this campus, and
I had no clue which one washis. I didn't know what his physical
address was. How was I goingto send the cops there? So I
(09:13):
called the GM at twelve forty fiveam on his night off. He wasn't
happy, but once I explained thesituation, it was cool. He was
able to access the employee files andgive me the address. I pulled away
from the gate and parked alongside thedriveway entrance and called nine to one to
one. I explained the situation,how he was unwilling to go to the
(09:33):
hospital. Why do we say thehospital versus a hospital, By the way,
it implies there's just one hospital,But I digress. He didn't want
to go to the hospital, butI was pretty sure he had a concussion
that needed stitches, and I neededa welfare check. Sent over there.
So do you want us to sendan ambulance? Sir? Now send the
police and let them decide. Isaid, we have insurance from work,
(09:54):
but I didn't want to run upthe kid's bill. I gave the operator
the address. Then I remembered Ihad some bliz, took some shots,
and there was a party awaiting.I heard myself say, so do I
have to wait? Or no,sir, you don't. Thanks for helping
them. We'll let you know howthings progress. Thank you very much,
ma'am. I hang up and typeDiamond Cabaret in my GPS and make my
(10:16):
way to heaven. I slightly feellike a shit bag for leaving him,
but I wanted to see jess offbecause she's an absolute gem. I somehow
find a parking spot right in frontof the club, a sign that this
was meant to be, and quellthe butterflies as I walk in. I
love walking into a strip joint.The promise of super hot naked babes,
so much possibility. What if onelikes me? I walk inside. It's
(10:37):
dead as a door nail. There'slike three patrons on this Sunday night.
The dancers at the bar turn theirheads to see who's walked in, and
after sizing me up from across theclub, they immediately turned back around as
it's obvious I'm no baller. Thelate fifties bald ponytail host in a suit
welcomes me in, explains he alreadygave last call, but if I wanted
to do a shot, he'd waivethe cover charge. I'll grab a shot.
(11:00):
Hey, I'm looking for some friends. I text Chess. Nothing,
I found out later they decided tohit another bar before getting to the Ballet
for the last call. Someone pukedand they took that as a sign to
hang it up for the night.But I didn't know that at the time.
Well, I guess I'm flying solo. I looked to the host.
Do I still have time for alap dance? Absolutely, sir. The
girls were over at the bar perfect. I had my heart set on some
(11:24):
grinding. I make my way betweenthe various stages toward the bar. We're
out of nowhere. A sexual superherogoddess grabs my wrist and says, I
like your jacket, complimenting my grayleather with built in hoodie and a few
Michael Jackson zippers on the front Amazonpage one, I say. She laughs
and says, do you want todance? Amazon page one. I'm in
(11:46):
love and we're off to the bonerroom. She's gorgeous. We're chatting until
a new song starts. I'm makingher laugh. She's making me hard.
White thigh high leather boots, whitethong exposed at the top and bottom because
the white headband she's wearing is atcan't cover it. White top, and
bosom so well enhanced. I wantto give her plastic sturgeon, a few
ones I have in my clip.The new song starts, She straddles me,
(12:09):
starts grinding. She lifts her top, which was probably the skirt in
this ensemble, exposing those glorious tancantalopes, and grabs my wrist and firmly
plants my hands on them, playingpuppeteer as she squeezes herself with my hands,
letting me know it's fine and Ican squeeze and caress at my liking.
I'm on another planet as she gyrates. When I feel an intense vibration
(12:31):
against my right ass cheek. Comeon, not now, Jess, I'll
let it go to voicemail. Thevibration eventually stops a second later, the
vibration kicks back on. Hang on, gorgeous, I say, as I
reach for my phone, keeping myother firmly cupping her left breast. My
phone screen reads restricted. Oh shit, Adam, I completely forgot Hello,
(12:52):
I answer, Is this Greg Studleyspeaking? I say, yeah, right,
speaking over the music thumping through myears in the phones's mouthpiece. So
this is Officer Garb. We wantto let you know Adam was taken to
the hospital and treated for a concussionand he received several stitches for his wounds.
Just wanted to update you and thankyou for your concern. Thanks officer
God, what a piece of shitI am. He obviously knows I'm in
(13:15):
a club of some kind, notgiving a shit in this moment. Thanks
again for helping out. Have agood night, and you as well.
I hang up, thinking that myversion of helping out was one step above
driving by an emergency room entrance andkicking an opiate overdose out of the car
and then speeding away. Who isthat, the exquisite dancer asked the cops.
I say, the cops. Yeah, Wait, does this make me
(13:37):
the only guy in the history oflaugh dances to take a call from the
cops with a boob in my hand. We'll never know. I have no
idea how you'd even research that,so I'm just gonna tell myself I'm the
only one. Well, it's lastcall, so let me give you a
tip. Stop asking bartenders to sendthat girl a drink on me. You
don't know if she's had enough already, or if she's got a boyfriend or
(13:58):
even wants to talk to you.Also, this is in seventh grade and
I'm too old to pass notes foryou. Grow up, grow balls,
and go talk to her. Thentake the hint if she's not into your
witty banter, and go back toyour seat. For the love of all
things holy fuck. Okay, I'mdone, folks. It's been a blast.
You don't have to go home,but you can't stay here. And
(14:18):
a call to my fellow boo slingers. Send in your stories to Cocktails and
Wasted Nights at gmail dot com.You can remain anonymous if you'd like.
Thanks for listening, subscribing, downloading, and spreading the word. Don't be
afraid to give me a good review, even if you're lying. It really
does help build our community of barbarians. And check out my video just close
it on YouTube. You will laugh. Damn it. We'll see you next
(14:39):
time I'm behind bars, cocktails andwasted nights. Cheers. He then pas
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