May 25, 2025 • 58 mins
personal stories how fathers influenced your personality, values, and life direction
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:13):
Talib queen quali.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I can't say it.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
That's why I want.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
Yeah, you pronounced my name. Any questions or bring many blessings.
With my man high tech and he from the Natty,
we make the skycraft feel the fly track. Get your
hands up like a hijack, fist in the air. Keep
him their life, not to a mystic or smoke when
the slips lit. It's a brother you should never want.
He asked me what I'm writing for. I'm writing to
show you what we're fighting for.
Speaker 4 (01:04):
Say tell it all.
Speaker 5 (01:05):
Let this it's hard.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
I tried spelling it phonetically.
Speaker 6 (01:08):
Nothing.
Speaker 5 (01:09):
Just let it be, like Needa.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Some moke don't listen. Be Even when we suffer losses,
I count the victory alright. Sometimes they're born between them
sad to say you got the ring crowded like sunset
on a Saturday. I know my son wept because if
that's the way, stop playing.
Speaker 5 (01:23):
Be strong for your mama.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
It's when I had to say it to my the.
Speaker 6 (01:25):
Man did deny me?
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Start the party?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
My crew Hot Philby's tool shot like the blass from Shot.
It's got to be the man hot tacked the choir
leading whole day. You rock start the quality mccrew hot
Philby's tool shot like the glass from Shinty. It's got
to be a man hot tacking card Lee.
Speaker 6 (01:45):
I remember when it all started, back in the day
with me and Mom first party context. From the beginning,
I stayed advanced, a young comeleon that after any circumstance. Yeah,
it has never been a lazy niggas stayed on my hustle,
concentrate to get in the paper, bigger, stay focused. My
other cat stayed hope blue, my nigga stayed high. I
stayed lower, stacking my ship to get a floor pound
(02:06):
of this ship. Ain't oh boke, no going for the dusto,
keep getting that pro vote.
Speaker 4 (02:11):
It's how I tack on the track like blow Joe
that you ain't even know.
Speaker 5 (02:15):
I have float on your body.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
Stop a party of crew high. It's two shots like
the blastoma shoty. This got to man how to shack
your guard? Leave god jazz you.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Got bone dancing, dancing dancing, you got your keep bone chancing, jazzing,
you got your keep bone chancing.
Speaker 5 (02:52):
Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Speaker 7 (02:55):
How's everybody doing? Everybody doing? Is what is today? I'd
be losing my damn mind.
Speaker 5 (03:04):
May twenty fifth, correct, Yeah, today is May twenty fifth,
Sun days. Are you feeling man, I'm feeling good, man,
I'm feeling good.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
I had a good week.
Speaker 8 (03:17):
I interviewed tall Boy earlier this week, so that was
that was a really good interview. Yeah, a lot of
gems was dropped, and uh, that was one I had
wanted to do right from the beginning of doing my
you know thing what I do, but.
Speaker 4 (03:33):
I didn't expect it that so fast. So I have
been great. I was being really good.
Speaker 7 (03:38):
Cool, cool talkboy, cool dude too.
Speaker 6 (03:40):
Man.
Speaker 5 (03:40):
Me and him had a few conversations, just random conversations, man,
and didn't even just being out and passing me coming.
He coming to support events and whatnot. Tall Boy dropper
a lot of knowledge on you, man, like he been
through it, you know what I'm saying. And yeah, you're
a good dude.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
You're a real good dude.
Speaker 5 (03:59):
I joined up today. I'm beyond the bear. We got
my man, Aaron. What's going on?
Speaker 7 (04:04):
Man? Theyduce yourself to the people.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Hey, y'all, what's up?
Speaker 7 (04:07):
The return of Aaron?
Speaker 2 (04:08):
The return of Aaron. I was on the show once before.
We won't get into that, because that didn't what we're
here for.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
I'm Aaron.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
A lot of people call me double A double A
double a right, not aa Ron like a thousand people do,
Just just Aaron. I'm here on the show and we're
gonna we're gonna get into it.
Speaker 5 (04:30):
Too some things and this all right, So again, welcome
to Beyond the Beard, the podcast where we talk about
stuff that actually matters once we get past the grooming
tips and all the dad jokes. Today we're diving into
the deep end fatherhood, the good, the bad, and the
mysteriously absent. Whether your dad was a rock, a ghost,
or she's just in the moring the grass. He shaped you.
(04:53):
And now we're figuring out what we're passing down, whether
we mean to or not. And if you're thinking a
I turned out finding they bless you, you know you're cool.
But we're talking about breaking generational cycles, doing the work,
and trying not to mess up our own kids in
the process. So this one is going to be part therapy,
(05:15):
part confession booth, and part group hug with a bunch
of dudes. So let's get into it, y'all.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
All right, So.
Speaker 5 (05:25):
Again, you know the show is, you know the good,
the bad, and the ugly.
Speaker 7 (05:30):
How father shaped us fatherhood? Right, So.
Speaker 5 (05:37):
Me, I'll start by saying this, right, Like, one of
the talking points I had was share how your father
influenced your personality, values, or your life's direction. Right, So
that's part ay. Okay, I have a lot of my
(06:01):
father's personality, and it kind of, to be honest with you,
bothers me when people say you act just like your daddy,
but you remind me so much of your daddy, And
that bothers me because I know, dude, you know what
I mean, No, dude, So that bothers me. And then
(06:24):
sometimes I find myself if I look in the mirror,
I do a certain move, I do my hand in
a certain way, I'm like.
Speaker 7 (06:31):
Damn, that's my pop, right, But.
Speaker 5 (06:36):
The character traits.
Speaker 4 (06:40):
I don't.
Speaker 5 (06:41):
I don't be liking that, hm, like, man, you act
just like nah no, yeah, And they don't understand why
I be feeling the way I be feeling, you know
what I mean, because yeah, you know what I'm saying. Yeah,
you know what I mean. And you know, me and
them just started back really conversing because it was to
(07:05):
the point where I told him, like I told my
own father chance niggas.
Speaker 4 (07:11):
You know, well, right you told him like, Okay, you
went off because.
Speaker 5 (07:16):
I know what that if you say that to me,
I know what. I know what's coming behind it.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
Well, you know that seriousness of it. Like I really
mean this.
Speaker 8 (07:24):
If you listen, we could we can talk. I don't
even you can say a lot of stuff to me.
Just don't call me bitches and holes.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
Yeah, because now I know you're trying to push me
to a level. You know what I'm saying, you know, right, So.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
For years, me and my father haven't spoken, Okay for years,
and it was to the point where I like, if
I see you, I'm gonna do that to you, right,
like really and you know years Brocause See, I'm the
(08:02):
type of person I've been in the Fitz, right, I've
been in prison. I know how to be by myself,
So me not fucking with you won't hurt me. I
know how to be by myself. The last eighteen months
of a six and a half year bid, I was
in solitary confinement twenty three and one for eighteen months
(08:25):
because I split a nigger head with a mop bringer. Wow,
So I know how to be by myself. I'm cool
with that, right, I don't have to talk to you,
you know what I'm saying. So for years, my father
and I and prior to this situation, it was years
and years, and you know what I'm saying. And then
he had his moments where he come in and then
(08:48):
when he come in, give him a.
Speaker 4 (08:52):
Chance, and then he showed you the same thing again.
Speaker 5 (08:57):
Yeah, I mean, it's just like, all right, man, I'm
not great. Keep I'm not gonna keep doing that. So
I went years, but the last situation was a blow
up to the point where I'm like, hey, man, when
I catch you, bro, it's yeah, it's like that, like this, like.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
What they say on side. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (09:16):
So my mom she's trying to like talk me out
of it, and I'm like, nah, I ain't trying to
none of that. And the more y'all keep advocating for
the peace, I ain't great to be too fond of
y'all neither. Yeah, just leave me along to a fire
because I'm like, y'all not feeling this.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
I am, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (09:35):
So it's easy for you to say no, don't act
you don't react this way or don't feel that type
of way or whatever whatever.
Speaker 4 (09:42):
But m.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
He also shape to help me a lot in a
lot of ways because.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
I know what not to do there it is, you
know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (09:54):
He didn't show me what to do in the way
he did, But I just do the opposite of that
you did that you showed me, right, try to do
the option that sh so I know what I knew
what I missed out on, and I don't want them
to I don't want them to miss.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Out on on that.
Speaker 4 (10:13):
Your children, right, right, that's right.
Speaker 5 (10:15):
You know what I'm saying. I don't want them to
have that The same sentiments that I have about you
and thoughts that I have about you, I don't want
mine to feel that way about me, you know what
I mean? So yeah, yeah, yeah, like.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
Me and my pops.
Speaker 8 (10:30):
I was kind of talking about it on the first episode,
well episode one A I think, But on on that
episode I was talking about, like I, I really can't
tell you besides my stubbornness, maybe what traits I shared
with my pops because for me, he was like in
(10:52):
and out of jail all the way until I was
ten eleven years old, and then he went to the
penitentiary until I was twenty, and then when he went
to the penitentiary and came out, I got married and
went to Indianapolis, So I didn't have like a solid
relationship with him, you know what I'm saying. One lesson
that he taught me, I could say this is be
(11:13):
better than me. I told him, I want to be
just like you.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
I want to be like you. He don't be like me,
be better than me. So I was better than him.
Speaker 8 (11:25):
But in the criminal sense, you know what I'm saying,
because he always he went to jail. I never went
to jail, you know what I'm saying, because I learned
just from the mistakes that he made, You know what
I'm saying, not to write on, not to certain moves
when they're not you know, when to slow down, when
to stop.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
I learned a lot from him in those aspects.
Speaker 8 (11:46):
But that's actually just things I taught myself from the
mistakes he made going to You know.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
What I'm saying.
Speaker 8 (11:52):
And I only learned what I learned from him from
zero to ten because again he went through the penitentiary
at ten eleven years old, come out until I was twenty,
right from ten to twenty. Those are very, very very
detrimental year, very very detrimental years.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
So yes, you know the only thing that I had
was the block m M right. You know what I mean.
I had the block.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
The block raised you I had.
Speaker 8 (12:21):
I mean my mom's I ain't gonna say the block
raised me. Okay, Grandpa, Grandpa, no, no, I ain't.
Speaker 4 (12:27):
No no apologies needed. I'd say that my grandmother and
grandfather raised me, right, all right. My grandfather was my
example of a man and the father, you know what
I'm saying. But as far as like my father, I don't.
I learned how I learned how to sell a dope, right,
just being real. I seen every dope, every type of dope.
(12:50):
You know what I'm saying. That he had weed, Cole,
we talked about it.
Speaker 8 (12:53):
You know what I'm saying, water when we're talking about
when this ship first at the streets us.
Speaker 4 (12:58):
Right, you know what I mean. So I learned that.
I understood that.
Speaker 8 (13:02):
But again I talked myself even that on paperweight scale
we had back then, you.
Speaker 4 (13:08):
Know what I mean, had no digital right, So you
know what I'm saying. I'm just saying, like, so I
learned that and to be better than him at that. Okay,
you know what I'm saying. But Postles gone to jail,
Moms was working, you know what I'm saying. So it
was the streets when when.
Speaker 8 (13:26):
I got to to of age where it's like, I'm
not gonna go be with my grandma and grandpa like
that no more.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
My mom's got a house, I got a little brother.
I gotta be there for him.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Right.
Speaker 8 (13:38):
So we're in the house on the block, in the
middle of the block. And I got everything because I
do my thing and be.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
You know, on the low.
Speaker 8 (13:49):
So everybody fucks wild. Yeah, I got the DJ ship,
I got the PlayStation, I got the you know what
I mean. I got everything, right, So everybody comes to
the big to the crib, you know what I mean.
But that's if it wasn't for the guys like around
me that protected me, you know what I'm saying. That
shit could have been, you know, but my pops wasn't there,
(14:11):
you know what I mean. So we talk about our kids, right,
I set up like watching him laying in the bed yesterday,
my son playing Sonic. He's six, PlayStation five controller his hands.
I'm like, his hand's too little for this ship for real,
but he playing the ship out He beat the game,
(14:33):
like he beat several games.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
But it's just I'm sitting there watching him play the game,
laying there and it's like, man.
Speaker 8 (14:42):
How crazy would I have that ship? Well, it's what
I passed down. It's one thing because like we talked
genetics as a motherfucker.
Speaker 4 (14:51):
Cause that ship is in him, right, But.
Speaker 8 (14:56):
What how crazy would I have been if my pops
would have just sat there and w if you would
have just took interest in what I was doing, you
know what I mean? It's like I would have probably
been you know what I mean one of the in
the nineties, because I go back and what documentaries we
talked about that for I watched these documentaries in the
(15:16):
nineties late eighties, Blockbusters was having video game tournaments and.
Speaker 4 (15:22):
Shit like that.
Speaker 8 (15:23):
I ain't had no idea about that shit until I'm
grown as a motherfucker watching these documentaries. But if Pops
would have been there and took interest in seeing that
and would have been there to cultivate, come on, right.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
But that's the thing. So yeah, the only thing I
could say that I've learned from my pops.
Speaker 8 (15:46):
And people don't really say you just like your pops
and me for real, I still I don't be around
a lot of people that's family.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
I be to myself. I be real introverted, you know
what I'm saying, like because I'm just like a ticking
time bomb.
Speaker 8 (15:58):
And then like you with your the last time, me
and my pops, I ain't really spoken my pops in
a few years because like he had when we was
on good terms, he had a Thanksgiving thing and my
me and my lady, you know, we was pregnant with
(16:19):
the with our son. She had a son and our
son and their belly, and.
Speaker 4 (16:24):
We already had my daughter. It was a very low
point for me financially.
Speaker 8 (16:29):
I had just lost the job like a few months prior,
and I was working another job for a temp service
at a pay cut. And I had just walked in
that job office and asked the guy, look, are you
gonna hire me full time?
Speaker 4 (16:45):
Or like should I keep moving? And he was like,
just be patient, I'm gonna get you. You know what
I'm saying. We love what you're doing everything like that,
And I was like, all right, cool.
Speaker 8 (16:54):
But we had this Thanksgiving thing and we was at
the Thanksgiving thing, we was all outside of the bill
and smoking, right, and so he comes out and he
got a beer in his pocket, pulls the beer out,
cracks the beer, drank the beer I passed in the wheel.
I was like, man, you should have brought another beer out,
could have had a beer with you.
Speaker 4 (17:15):
And this motherfucker told me it's a store right up there,
can go get you a beer or whatever. You know
what I'm saying. It was embarrassing to me. Wow, I'm
your junior. You want to parade me around. Yeah, this
is my junior, that's my oldest boy and all that.
But you want to direct me to where I could.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Go buy a beer?
Speaker 7 (17:39):
You got a house?
Speaker 4 (17:40):
Nah, here's my keys to the apartment, go up there
and get you on.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Nah.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
He directed me to where I man, I was It
was that was. I was done. I was done. Yeah
you know what I'm saying. Yeah, pissed me off.
Speaker 8 (17:57):
And it might be the pittiest thing ever, but it's
like it's not it's a beard, bro, But I not
to cut you off. Please my step my mom's house
where my step father, and I say, word, you got
a beard?
Speaker 4 (18:12):
Yeah, gonna get you one out of there. This is
this is the last one.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
It don't matter, right, So you know yeah, yeah, yeah,
I can that would definitely yeah, I mean and and
and in that your feelings were validated as to how
you felt at that moment, like you said, you felt embarrassed,
like like like you got all these questions, like for real,
(18:38):
right now you're gonna and you got and we're standing
right and were in front of family.
Speaker 9 (18:42):
And ship you know, oh man, yeah, you know, because
it's a Thanksgiving thing, so we're all front the family
and you say that like, man, it's a beard.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (18:54):
So like that was that was that was a pivotal
moment in our relationship.
Speaker 8 (18:58):
We actually had a pretty good really ship at the time.
And like we haven't really spoken since then. That's probably
been like four maybe five years now.
Speaker 5 (19:08):
Wow, Now you said like the things you said, like
the things that you learned, right, I remember like with
my father, right, my father, my father was on drugs
like bad bro. So people in the neighborhood. I remember
this one time, man, my my and he was my
(19:28):
best friend when we moved to Delaware's name was Tweet,
So I used to always see my pop in the neighborhood. Right,
and now let me give you a little backstory when
we got when we got there, right, everything was good.
When we first moved down there because my my father
(19:49):
moved there because his cousin had a construction company. So
he moved us there and then we stayed in his house.
He had a gas house in Delaware in New York.
So we were there for like thirty days. The company
went bankrupt. But motherfucker, you knew this before we got there,
(20:14):
that your company was in trouble before we got there. Yeah,
so once we get there, So once we get there,
you know, we stayed there for a little while, they
get into it. He put my mom and dad out.
He put us out right right, So now we're in
a hotel. We stayed in the hotel for a while.
(20:36):
Then I ended up we ended up moving into a shelter.
The shelter was for.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Women and women and children. But didn't let my.
Speaker 5 (20:48):
Dad come too. Wow, So we all stayed there. Now,
mind you, after they was he was getting high before
we before we moved there, right cause I had caught
a conversation. And I remember this like it was yesterday, bro,
because I told you before we moved to the East Coast,
I was born here. We stayed on page. It was
(21:10):
there was two dudes. They was brothers I swear to God,
I remember these niggas like yesterday named kool Aid and Punch.
They lived right next door to us.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Yep.
Speaker 5 (21:21):
Kool Aid had a long ass, Jerry Curl with dark skin,
and Punch had a low cut. Punch came out of
the room from my Me and my sister was playing
in the bedroom, bro and the room is right across
from the dining the family room. He was coming out
of the room and he said, I gotta go back
next door and rock up some more dope real quick.
I'd be right back. My pop saw us with the dog,
(21:44):
and I'm standing there looking. He like, hey, sh my
kids right here. But I hadn't already heard the shit,
right right, I know what dope is.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
So they go next door.
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Then we in it long story show, we end up moving.
That whole situation happens. We end up in the shelter,
Da da da. So he's out there now at this point,
he because he now he out here getting eye right.
So I recall my mom. I called my mom too,
because she wasn't doing nothing at first, but that being
a husband, she wanted to be involved in what he's in.
So now here she go. You know what I'm saying,
(22:19):
but my mom was functioning. He wasn't right, you know
what I'm saying. He was just all the way gone
with it. So I will see my father when we
moved into the shelter, I would see him in the
hood because now he ain't even standing at the shelter,
but there's no more. He already totally he's out there
out there.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
So now I was like, I just see him if
I just happened to be out on the basketball court
playing ball and then just happened to turn my head
to see him, like you know what I mean, you
know that looking at Yeah. So he came up to
me one day and I was with my man. Tweet
(23:00):
come up to me. He says my real name and everything.
So tweets standing and he looking. So I'm looking at
this nigga, like, man, you better not say shit, so
he don't notice my father. Nobody in the hood knows.
Speaker 7 (23:13):
This is my father.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Oh you at that time asked him.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
I was like, I was going to New York high
school at that time.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
I was like fourteen, fifteen four high school typical, like fifteen.
Speaker 5 (23:27):
Anyway, he like he asked me questions and shit. So tweet.
He's standing there, he tweet looking. He like, and he
looking at him, look back at me because I look
like my father, broh. So he looking at us both
and he like, So after the dude leave, he like,
(23:50):
you need some money, I'm like, now I don't need nothing.
So after the dude walk off, Tweet like, man, who
that that's meased?
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Something?
Speaker 5 (24:00):
Gotta know, ain't tweeting like for the loan. He ain't
say nothing.
Speaker 7 (24:06):
So we go about our day.
Speaker 5 (24:09):
And Tweets said, hey, man, you know I fuck with you, right,
I'm like, yeah, what's up? And like, Yo, you ain't
never got to worry about nothing coming out of my
mouth about nothing. I know that's your father. You look
just like dude, he said.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
But I didn't know.
Speaker 5 (24:24):
We serve him all the time, right, I'm like what
he's like? Yeah, I'm like, oh, he's like, yo, you
my man. You'll never hear that come up my mouth
from ever. Nobody can never tell you they got that
from me. If anybody do find out, I'm like, that's
what's up. And to this day, Tweet has never told
(24:45):
nobody that was my father.
Speaker 7 (24:47):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (24:48):
But the crazy shit is like the shit that I
was getting on, like the shit that you learned because
what my father used to do, Like when we were
staying in the shelter, he would wake me up, bro,
like two in the morning, like get up, come with me,
Like huh where we're going? Like come on, So he'll
(25:13):
take me and we'll go out. He got this this
big ass army like Duffels Duffel bad right, So yeah,
you can put a body in one of them. You
put a whole body in one of them, Jones. So
we out. He got me on route. He got me
on route walking. M It's two thirty three o'clock in
(25:35):
the morning, bro, I got to get up for school
at six thirty. But he got me out, and I'm
not knowing what we're going to do the first time, right,
So he goes to this apartment complex. He pull out
these boat cutters, starts cutting the fence open, Like the
fuck is the stick of doing. I still don't know
(25:56):
what's going on. I've never witnessed none of this before.
I'm a kid, bro right, I ain't win this, none
of this shit. So he like just stay here and wait.
So going there, come out minutes later, bag full of
he got all types of pipes and all types of
bullshit hanging out this bag, you know what I'm saying.
(26:18):
And I'm talking about we on route until damn it
toil the sun come up, and then he bring me back.
Now it's time for me to get ready for school.
Speaker 4 (26:31):
Like you've been all night?
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker 5 (26:33):
So I'm in school. I'm tired as fuck. I got
basketball practice, I got this, I got that, you know
what I'm saying. So like it was, it was real
fucked up bro, Like he had no regard for like nothing.
He used to really take me on missions with him
to go, you know what I'm saying still and do bullshit,
you know what I'm saying, so he can benefit from
(26:54):
it and get high. Mhmm, you know what I'm saying Now,
I can't The one thing I can say is that
today he's not the same individual. I can't say that
for him. He's a way better grandfather than he is
than he ever was a father. I'm ever and we've
had that conversation recently within the last few weeks.
Speaker 4 (27:16):
Right, I could say that for my father, but not
for my kids. For his other grandkids, I can say
that he is a good grandfather.
Speaker 5 (27:26):
See he was he was like that. He was like
he would come to town because my father stayed in Memphis.
He would come to Saint Louis. I would we wouldn't
know he was here, but he would go see my
sisters and.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Their kids.
Speaker 4 (27:43):
Got you. Yeah see.
Speaker 5 (27:44):
But me and my other little brother, yeah, we never
knew this name.
Speaker 4 (27:47):
He was here.
Speaker 8 (27:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (27:49):
He literally just met my son for the second time.
My son is seventh. When he first saw my son,
my son was just like maybe one. Yeah, it's just
song for the first time, like two months ago. For
the second time.
Speaker 8 (28:06):
My son is six, and my pop's just seen him
for the first time when he was like four, because
we did I have seen him, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
But yeah, Wow, as I sit here, man, I listen
to you, brothers, I gotta be honest, man, I'm coming.
I'm gonna be coming from a different perspective, you know.
As far as father. Okay, I grew up with my father,
and I was raised with my mother and my father
(28:38):
until I was about fourteen thirteen fourteen, then my mom's
and dad got divorced. But I can, man, I'm sitting
here feeling crazy because I'm hearing y'all stories, right, and
some of the stuff I can't relate to that makes sense,
And that's all respect now that you did. Can't listen.
(29:02):
I hear you.
Speaker 5 (29:03):
I hear you.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
I hear you. Some of it, I can't. I can't.
I'm just sitting here like as y'all talking, right, I'm
just like man, you know, kind of like somebody trying
to figure out a foreign language. In a sense you want,
you want to understand it, but you really can't understand it.
Speaker 4 (29:23):
Right.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
And even when my mom's and my dad got divorced,
he was still there. M hm. You know what I'm saying.
They stayed on sethar sides of town. When we had
ball games and we had stuff like that, we hurt practices.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
He was there.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
You understand what I'm saying. But going back to things
I got from my father, I looked like like you
said earlier, I looked just like my father, especially not
I got older. You dig know what I'm saying. And
it's so damn scary because I look at pictures.
Speaker 7 (29:58):
When he was.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
My father pass in two thousand and six, all right,
he stopped. My father died young, he was fifty four.
But I look at pictures and I'm like, hey, here
I am. I'm approaching fifty, right, And I look at
pictures when he was forty forty five before he got sick,
and I'm just like, at one time I look at
him like I know, I don't. I look at the pictures.
I'm like, God, all I need is a pair of
(30:22):
glasses on. All I need is a pair of glasses on.
But things that I got from my father man work ethic, right,
you know, what's the saying that you what's the saying
go hard to go home? Like? He instilled that in me,
(30:43):
my brother, my sister. You know what I'm saying. He
instilled things like, if you're gonna do it, do it right.
It's something you said earlier my father, and he instilled
it us. You know, be honest, try your best, always
to be honest with people. My father was big on
(31:06):
showing love and that that love could be forarm of
if every time I see you, what's up, man? How
you doing? You know what I'm saying. He he he
was big on that, man, you know, And in return,
I have children and I have grandchildren, and it's so
(31:26):
funny because I go into my kid's house, so I
see them or whatever here come. You know, my grandbabies
are like, Papa, give me some love, Papa, give me
a love, Give me love. Man, I just like you
could buy me for a dollar at that moment, you
know what I mean. But my father was there, man,
he was active, you know. And and and that's another
(31:48):
thing he instilled in me and my brother and my
sister as well.
Speaker 5 (31:52):
And see that that what you just said goes into
the next thing I wanted to ask, like, how will
father's presidence or lack of it affected your sense of
identity and security?
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Okay, I can speak on I can speak on that
from both ends. From from I can speak on an
aspect as a son and as a father. If I
can get into that as a father. As a son,
my father's presence was felt, okay, he felt. It was
(32:28):
felt even with us living with my mom once they
got their divorce, if we clowned with mama or acted
a fool with mama. Right, we already knew he was coming,
and he wasn't coming to shake your hand, you know
what I'm saying. So I think I think knowing that
(32:50):
was another reason. I can honestly say, me and my
brother and sister we didn't really do a whole lot
of clowning. I mean, we argued among each other every
now and again, but we didn't really do a whole
lot of clown that. You know what I'm saying, But
don't give me don't get his twisted. Though Mama had
a strong right hand too, you know what I'm saying.
Mama had a strong right hand too. Now, speaking on
(33:13):
that same subject as a father, I'm a father of
seven children.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
Six.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
You know, people get into that whole biological thing, six biological,
one bonus baby, if I can say it that way.
But my bonus baby is my oldest child of all
my seven children. I have seven children between two different women,
three on Earth, three over here. Three of my children
(33:49):
didn't get all of me like they should have. They didn't.
They didn't get all of me like they should have.
My presence wasn't in their life for quite a few years.
So in that aspect, they got cheated. They got cheated
or by my other children. They saw me every day,
(34:11):
They was with me every day, and they knew Daddy.
They could tell you when Daddy going to sleep, tell
you when Daddy going when he was tired. Three of
my other children didn't have that. They wasn't awarded that
because of my selfish decisions. You see what I'm saying.
The things I could have did, I didn't do consistently right.
(34:35):
But I always say that, thanks to God, thanks to Facebook,
we found each other when they this was some years ago.
I'm going back some years now, we found each other right,
and to see them as they got older, I'm just
like Jesus, these are my children. Now. Fast forward to
(35:02):
well that day when we were reunited, we had a
good time pizza post I still remember like it was yesterday,
had a little pizza poisy at the house. All the
kids was there, everybody meeting each other and mingling and everything.
And I told them then, I said, I'm not going nowhere.
I promise you that, each and every last one of them.
(35:23):
I promptic I don't care what goes on in my life,
of your life, I'm not going anywhere. Deal with it.
You got me, right, And I said that in the
most respectful way to them. You know what I'm saying.
(35:43):
I needed them to know that I'm here. My presence
will be felt throughout your life until it's time for
me to go to the heavenly gates. I'm here. I'm here,
and I meant that, man, I meant that because they
didn't deserve what I did not give them. You understand
what I'm saying. They didn't deserve that, man, they didn't
(36:05):
ask to be it, right right, Okay.
Speaker 7 (36:09):
See for me, mine was different.
Speaker 5 (36:12):
Mom was totally different because the lack of my father's
presidence kind of caused me to look for myself or
look for something other.
Speaker 7 (36:27):
Than him and other people.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
Mmkay right.
Speaker 5 (36:33):
So, and what I mean by that is I've always
been to myself, always been a loner. I was a
good kid. I was always a good kid, had good grades,
played sports. Then when he left, I was still on
(36:58):
that same path. Right, but shit got rough. And I
mean we finally got out of the sheltering into a house,
right but the neighborhood, I mean, I'm coming outside. Everybody
(37:19):
got that ship.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
On it's you know what I mean.
Speaker 7 (37:23):
It's this is when.
Speaker 5 (37:27):
Toyota Corolla one point eight was the ship. Now, I'm
telling you because we because we used to you know
what they look you know at what point we used
to drop We used to drop them put the little
rims on it. You know what I'm saying had the
systems in them joint Honda, Honda cars and ship you
know what I'm saying. So, you know what i mean,
we sliding and yeah, so you know I'm I'm coming
(37:49):
outside just protecting my sister, playing with my sister and
my other two youngest brothers and sister.
Speaker 7 (37:54):
They in the house.
Speaker 5 (37:55):
My mom, you know what I mean, she's still dibbling
that and doing what she's doing. But again, my mom
was a functioning add right. My mom was going to
cosmetology school, so everybody in the hood knew my mom
as oh that's miss Tracy. Like all the drug dealers
brought their girls to my mom to get their head done,
(38:16):
all of them, you know what I'm saying. So my
mom was whipping everybody ship up spent like back then.
This is when finger Waves was the ship and girls
head right, man, man, my mom was laying these my
mom and my mom was laying these bros head out,
laying they ship. So all the dope dealers bring it,
you know what I'm saying. And then they paying her
either with money or with you know what i mean.
(38:38):
So I'm not really knowing that part, you know what
I'm saying. So I started looking for people to kick
it with and hang with. Okay, the people I started
looking at, they was all out into the streets. So
my introduction to all that was some dudes just messing
(39:01):
with my little sister.
Speaker 4 (39:02):
Man.
Speaker 5 (39:02):
I remember they threw me outside, she outside on her
on her bike. They threw something matter, no words from me.
I just went over there and took off on the ball.
The dude that ran the block name was Quick God
bless her daddy. Came up to me. He was like, yo, Surety,
I have been watching you for a while, Like I
fuck with you like you like you quiet, you don't play,
(39:25):
you know what I'm saying. And then you ain't no punk.
I'm like, all right, cool, going back across the street
through You know what I'm saying. I'm going to go
play with my sister. I don't know, y'all.
Speaker 7 (39:37):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (39:38):
I'm going back cross the street with my sister. So
he came over there and started talking to me. Where
y'all from Saint Louis? Where that's at?
Speaker 2 (39:47):
Wow, they didn't know what that was.
Speaker 5 (39:50):
So I'm giving him the history running the down to him.
You a blood? What's the blood that's that ship that's
on in South Central Colors and shit. Yeah, I'm like, yeah,
they had no clue. That's why I say, like, I
ain't people talk shit. I'm talking ninety two, ninety three.
(40:15):
I was over there already. They didn't know what the
blood or cript none of that was none of that.
None of that, bro, none of that. So when I
got there, all I was saying, like something, that's where
the neighborhood I came from. You know what I'm saying.
I got jumped at the park on Hamilton by a
bunch of bloods in it. You know what I'm saying.
(40:36):
When I was nine, bro, and my father whooked my
ass for that. But these are niggas I'm rocking with.
Then he took me from that and moved me out here.
You know what I'm saying. The long story short, it
started with like, yo, we fuck with you, like you
come hang with us, and they showing me different shit.
I'm like, all right, cool, come around the corner and
(40:56):
see what they doing. My street was why dope was
sold on it, But you couldn't tell going around the corner.
This motherfuck I'm jumping this live this, live, this lit.
Speaker 4 (41:10):
I like that.
Speaker 2 (41:11):
It's a different world. Okay, cool?
Speaker 5 (41:13):
Yeah, my mom around there.
Speaker 7 (41:15):
She probably cosmetology school.
Speaker 5 (41:16):
Right now. Once I get out of school, I ain't
got too much to do. I ain't worried about too
much or nothing. Beat I'm outside. I'm coming every day
now when I come home for school. I dropped my
bags hop the gate. I'm going right around the corner
on the block. So now I'm out there with these
niggas and I'm seeing shit. They go to the store
for me. Here a hundred dollars they it might be
like ten fifteen dollars worth of shit. Keep you change?
(41:37):
What keep the change? Cool? What's that? Show me how
to do that? And there I go. I went from
there right now. It's to the point where I got
cars and shit in front of the house. I got
cars and shit in front of the house. My mama
don't even know them mind, you know what I mean. Like,
(42:01):
I'm giving her money for bills, but she think I'm
doing odd jobs cutting grass, groceries and whatever. Until one
of her friends caught me driving and that blew the
whole spot up. But yeah, but my my lack of
cause I know for a fact, bro, if I had
my father, I would have never went down that route. Yeah, yeah,
(42:27):
even through those times in the streets, I was still
playing balls, still going to school like I played. I
went to college, bro for two semesters I went. I
played for John Cheney at Temple, and then I played
for Delaware State. I lost my lost my basketball scholarship
because I shot a nigga from Boston in the face
(42:48):
over dope on the streets. Fucked my whole scholarship up.
You know what I'm saying. But it's like, yeah, bro,
we all do.
Speaker 2 (43:01):
And that's and and I'm gonna tell you something, man.
Speaker 5 (43:05):
But I tell my father this all the time, like
you don't understand ro the ship that you did. If
you just stuck and stayed, I know for a fact,
I wouldn't have went down the path I went because
I was scared to death of my father.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
You know where hell.
Speaker 5 (43:25):
What drugs, hustling guns, My Daddy'll kicked my ass. I'm
not doing none of that. But I was thrown out
in the in a position where it's like, man, I'm
stummach growling. You gotta help your mama. You got a
little brother and sister in there that you know what
I mean, Two little sisters and a little brother that.
(43:46):
You know what I'm saying, Like, what you're gonna do?
Speaker 4 (43:48):
Right?
Speaker 5 (43:49):
But I knew to still do what I was doing
and still stay in school. Yeah, until the bucks just
ain't look as good as that paper. And that's why
I fucked up too.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 5 (44:03):
I wasn't thinking a way I should have been, because
now I'm coming to school just a stunt. On shit,
I got an eight to fifty. Don't even make eight
fifties no more. I had an eight fifty in high school.
Bro all red two door BMW eight fifty.
Speaker 2 (44:24):
In high school.
Speaker 5 (44:27):
You know what I'm saying, Like, come on, man, my
teachers is like, what are you doing? We know what
you're doing? Stop right, all right whatever, I'm not even
coming to class no more to come to class like.
Speaker 4 (44:39):
I just.
Speaker 5 (44:41):
It was like I just kept my I kept my
grades where they needed to be so I could still
play sports. Yeah, but it got to the point where
I just started coming to class just to go to
the lunches and about the bitches ice cream. Straight up,
I went to all three lunches, bro, just a stunt,
Just a stunt, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (45:01):
Put on the show.
Speaker 5 (45:01):
Yeah, I have people doing my work for me. Yeah,
I'm turning in you know what I mean? Like, Yeah,
but I went down that route because those were the
people I started looking up to. Those were the people
that were showing me love, you know what I'm saying,
and not even knowing that the dude Quick, This dude
(45:22):
was my man, bro at this point, I'm seventeen quick,
twenty one, twenty one millionaire, twenty one off dope millionaire
(45:44):
and got high. Nobody anymore.
Speaker 7 (45:48):
Wow, smoke crack like ninety going north.
Speaker 5 (45:51):
You never would have known and you would have never
called him all because he would beat you from your
knees to your forty head. The boy was nice in
the hands. But yeah, those are the people that I
looked up to because they showed me the love that
I you know what I'm saying, that I thought I needed.
Speaker 4 (46:09):
That.
Speaker 5 (46:10):
That's the love I felt the most from them. You
know what I'm saying. It wasn't from my father, right,
So dumb type of situations caused me to go in
a totally different route a life that led me. You know,
I was made into what I became. Bro, I wasn't
that guy, right, despite claiming the hood because I was
(46:34):
from Saint Louis that got jumped in. I could fight
it ain't no bitch. That was a whole different thing though,
especially back then. Gang bang wasn't with these little catches
making it now to be it.
Speaker 7 (46:45):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (46:46):
It's stuff for something different back then, you know what
I mean, that's all I knew, bro and going to
school and playing ball, shooting people in cases and all
the the ship I still think about sometimes and dream
about that fuck me up sometimes I was made to
(47:08):
do that ship that wasn't in me to do. Just
being honest, none of us are killers, naturally, none of us. Right,
You get put in situations where it's either you kill
this nigga, you go home, you pop this nigga, or he.
Speaker 4 (47:28):
Pop you, unless you just made that so like you
could be made that.
Speaker 5 (47:34):
That's what I'm saying, right right, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
Like you were programmed, That's what it is, because it
starts right right, you were programmed and right here.
Speaker 8 (47:48):
Yeah, and when you you know, like for one thing,
it's like you said, it's not necessarily even a thing
of being programmed. And at the point of you know
when you in these positions, you know what I'm saying, Like,
if it's between you and this guy, well you gotta
go home, right, So right, you don't think about doing
that any other time exactly, but now that you're in
(48:10):
the situation.
Speaker 5 (48:12):
But then but see, the thing is when you in
them situations and that and then you know and you're
learning how often them situations come. With the game, it
starts to become normal.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
Yeah, and that shit.
Speaker 4 (48:24):
Ain't normal, sociopathic.
Speaker 5 (48:27):
That shit ain't normal. Right, No man should live like
you know what I'm saying, Like we while you in
the game, you thinking like yeah, and then we got yeah,
we just staying at it before we knew what's before
they called it sliding. You know what I'm saying, We
just went and we ain't put in work on that
shit was celebrated. You know what I'm saying, Like it
like that's not normal. Now it's not normal, you know
(48:49):
what I'm saying. It's not a life that now that
we're older, we see like, yo, we was really wild
and back then, you know what I mean, Like that
shit wasn't normal.
Speaker 4 (48:59):
We like.
Speaker 5 (49:02):
Having no And then I attribute a lot of this
ship and I had to say this to my therapist once.
I attribute a lot of this ship to the absence
of my father, not having feelings, being cold hearted, sometimes
not knowing how to properly deal with a female. All
(49:25):
this shit you gotta learn on your own, you know
what I'm saying. Yeah, and with your niggas, you ain't
getting that type of teaching. Man, were to train on
this bitch. I'm trying to fuck some and so the
night off man. Oh yeah, yeah, I just fucked up
the other night. No, No, that's what y'all talking about.
It's nothing conducive.
Speaker 2 (49:46):
So, yeah, you said something, you said something. You said
the presence. You know, if your if your if your
father had been present, you can kind of dick what
you would have or would not have done.
Speaker 7 (50:02):
Correct.
Speaker 5 (50:03):
I know if my father was present, I would not
have gone down the path I did.
Speaker 2 (50:06):
And and you know how I spoke just a few
minutes ago about these these those this number of my
children got everything from me, and these didn't well. With
my children who did get everything or saw me every day,
my presence was in their life. Sometimes that statement ain't
(50:31):
always true. And I only say that because I have
one myself right who that same path you were talking
about went down that same path. You understand what I'm
saying now. I will say this. He made it known
to me, Pops, this ain't your fault because I'm gonna
(50:56):
be honest with you in that moment when he was
going through all that and he still dealing with it.
We talked about it before. He's still dealing with that
right when it when it happened the first time and
the second time, I'm like, the fuck? What did I
not say to him? What did I not show him?
(51:17):
Did I not? You know, give him enough time, give
him enough attention? Did I not? Did I not?
Speaker 7 (51:23):
Did I not?
Speaker 2 (51:23):
Did I not?
Speaker 7 (51:24):
Right?
Speaker 2 (51:26):
And I felt like that was on me, right because
I just be honest, Like I told you, I got
seven children between two women, so I wasn't the most
faithful person in a relationship at one time. So some
things he saw from it, He saw me, well, they
(51:49):
my children saw me playing the field, right. I'm not
proud of it, but I'm just being we being real
right right? So I thought, you know, man, he got
that from me, right, I'm like, where did this lifestyle
come from? Because he never saw me on that track? Never,
(52:11):
because I never was you understand what I'm saying. I
was tempted when I was younger, you know, in high school,
but never did nothing with it. And I'm just like,
where did that part come from? But with all of
our children, all of us have, all of us me
and all of us have children, there's two sides. As
you said before, Mom, Dad, you understand what I'm saying.
So I'm just like, damn. And for the longest time,
(52:34):
I used to always think it was my fault. Had
I never said this, had I? And then he made
it known to me propably, you didn't do this to me,
And I can I hear him saying that right, Tell
this that right, Tell my heart that you understand what
I'm saying. Tell my mind that make my heart, make
(52:55):
my make my convince my heart that it wasn't me
or wasn't anything that I did or did not do.
Now Here we are years later, and I'm better with
it now than I was then. You know, I'm better
with it now than I was then. You know what
I'm saying. Yeah, man, And then my children who didn't
(53:18):
have me like they should.
Speaker 4 (53:19):
Have, you know, and.
Speaker 2 (53:23):
Didn't take that route.
Speaker 4 (53:27):
That's yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
They didn't. They didn't. They didn't tiptoe on that road
at all. And I'm just like, what the budge?
Speaker 8 (53:40):
What?
Speaker 6 (53:40):
You know, like how.
Speaker 2 (53:43):
How if if anything? I've always said, go to work, Yeah,
go to work.
Speaker 8 (53:48):
But you know, sometimes like it's just like your friends,
you know, and what what what you attracted to as
a person.
Speaker 4 (53:57):
It don't always be our fault as a parent.
Speaker 2 (54:00):
And the same as you.
Speaker 8 (54:01):
I've got two kids who I wasn't there for as
well as the two kids that i'm you know, my
smaller children, So I definitely relate.
Speaker 4 (54:09):
To that and it's tough.
Speaker 8 (54:12):
But man, it's like we just had to learn how
to live with those regrets in the way, you know
what I'm saying, even.
Speaker 4 (54:20):
Though it wasn't your phone, you know what I mean?
And he lets you know that you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (54:23):
Yeah m hm, but yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, man,
this is it's a lot more. I wanted to get
into what we always always.
Speaker 4 (54:37):
We do these things like we can be here for hours.
Speaker 5 (54:40):
Hours, bro, I think I think, I'm I don't know,
I might have to extend this show and.
Speaker 4 (54:45):
The topics can ongoing.
Speaker 8 (54:48):
Yeah, because I still got like we talked about a
lot of these things in the very first episodes, just
randomly because it all relates to what we're.
Speaker 5 (54:57):
Talking about, right right, yeah, all right, So it's eight o'clock.
We gotta let the next show come on and do
their thing, man, But I definitely appreciate you for coming, Aaron.
Speaker 7 (55:06):
Yeah, thank you again.
Speaker 8 (55:08):
Man.
Speaker 7 (55:08):
We'll talk Tuesday at the office. Yes, tomorrow's a holiday, so.
Speaker 5 (55:13):
Yeah, yeah, yeah again. So happy early Memorial's Day to
everyone out there. That's a wrap on this episode. To
beyond the beard, everybody watching, If you felt a little
called out, then wherever we did to fatherhood leaves fingerprints
on our lives. But the beautiful thing is we've got
to say in what legacy that we leave behind. So
(55:36):
whether you're breaking cycles, building new ones, or still figuring
out which end of the emotional toolbox to use, know this,
you're not alone and you're not stuck. If this episode
would hit home, share it with your crew. If you've
got a story lesson epic Dad Phil, we want to
hear it sliding to our dms like a kid on
the slipping slide.
Speaker 7 (55:56):
Will how let you guys next week. Thanks for rolling
with us.
Speaker 5 (56:00):
Until next time, Keep growing, keep laughing and keep going
beyond the beard.
Speaker 4 (56:08):
Kaya Tellum queens quality, I can't say that's why I
am
Talib queen quali.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I can't say it.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
That's why I want.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
Yeah, you pronounced my name. Any questions or bring many blessings.
With my man high tech and he from the Natty,
we make the skycraft feel the fly track. Get your
hands up like a hijack, fist in the air. Keep
him their life, not to a mystic or smoke when
the slips lit. It's a brother you should never want.
He asked me what I'm writing for. I'm writing to
show you what we're fighting for.
Speaker 4 (01:04):
Say tell it all.
Speaker 5 (01:05):
Let this it's hard.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
I tried spelling it phonetically.
Speaker 6 (01:08):
Nothing.
Speaker 5 (01:09):
Just let it be, like Needa.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Some moke don't listen. Be Even when we suffer losses,
I count the victory alright. Sometimes they're born between them
sad to say you got the ring crowded like sunset
on a Saturday. I know my son wept because if
that's the way, stop playing.
Speaker 5 (01:23):
Be strong for your mama.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
It's when I had to say it to my the.
Speaker 6 (01:25):
Man did deny me?
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Start the party?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
My crew Hot Philby's tool shot like the blass from Shot.
It's got to be the man hot tacked the choir
leading whole day. You rock start the quality mccrew hot
Philby's tool shot like the glass from Shinty. It's got
to be a man hot tacking card Lee.
Speaker 6 (01:45):
I remember when it all started, back in the day
with me and Mom first party context. From the beginning,
I stayed advanced, a young comeleon that after any circumstance. Yeah,
it has never been a lazy niggas stayed on my hustle,
concentrate to get in the paper, bigger, stay focused. My
other cat stayed hope blue, my nigga stayed high. I
stayed lower, stacking my ship to get a floor pound
(02:06):
of this ship. Ain't oh boke, no going for the dusto,
keep getting that pro vote.
Speaker 4 (02:11):
It's how I tack on the track like blow Joe
that you ain't even know.
Speaker 5 (02:15):
I have float on your body.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
Stop a party of crew high. It's two shots like
the blastoma shoty. This got to man how to shack
your guard? Leave god jazz you.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Got bone dancing, dancing dancing, you got your keep bone chancing, jazzing,
you got your keep bone chancing.
Speaker 5 (02:52):
Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Speaker 7 (02:55):
How's everybody doing? Everybody doing? Is what is today? I'd
be losing my damn mind.
Speaker 5 (03:04):
May twenty fifth, correct, Yeah, today is May twenty fifth,
Sun days. Are you feeling man, I'm feeling good, man,
I'm feeling good.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
I had a good week.
Speaker 8 (03:17):
I interviewed tall Boy earlier this week, so that was
that was a really good interview. Yeah, a lot of
gems was dropped, and uh, that was one I had
wanted to do right from the beginning of doing my
you know thing what I do, but.
Speaker 4 (03:33):
I didn't expect it that so fast. So I have
been great. I was being really good.
Speaker 7 (03:38):
Cool, cool talkboy, cool dude too.
Speaker 6 (03:40):
Man.
Speaker 5 (03:40):
Me and him had a few conversations, just random conversations, man,
and didn't even just being out and passing me coming.
He coming to support events and whatnot. Tall Boy dropper
a lot of knowledge on you, man, like he been
through it, you know what I'm saying. And yeah, you're
a good dude.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
You're a real good dude.
Speaker 5 (03:59):
I joined up today. I'm beyond the bear. We got
my man, Aaron. What's going on?
Speaker 7 (04:04):
Man? Theyduce yourself to the people.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Hey, y'all, what's up?
Speaker 7 (04:07):
The return of Aaron?
Speaker 2 (04:08):
The return of Aaron. I was on the show once before.
We won't get into that, because that didn't what we're
here for.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
I'm Aaron.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
A lot of people call me double A double A
double a right, not aa Ron like a thousand people do,
Just just Aaron. I'm here on the show and we're
gonna we're gonna get into it.
Speaker 5 (04:30):
Too some things and this all right, So again, welcome
to Beyond the Beard, the podcast where we talk about
stuff that actually matters once we get past the grooming
tips and all the dad jokes. Today we're diving into
the deep end fatherhood, the good, the bad, and the
mysteriously absent. Whether your dad was a rock, a ghost,
or she's just in the moring the grass. He shaped you.
(04:53):
And now we're figuring out what we're passing down, whether
we mean to or not. And if you're thinking a
I turned out finding they bless you, you know you're cool.
But we're talking about breaking generational cycles, doing the work,
and trying not to mess up our own kids in
the process. So this one is going to be part therapy,
(05:15):
part confession booth, and part group hug with a bunch
of dudes. So let's get into it, y'all.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
All right, So.
Speaker 5 (05:25):
Again, you know the show is, you know the good,
the bad, and the ugly.
Speaker 7 (05:30):
How father shaped us fatherhood? Right, So.
Speaker 5 (05:37):
Me, I'll start by saying this, right, Like, one of
the talking points I had was share how your father
influenced your personality, values, or your life's direction. Right, So
that's part ay. Okay, I have a lot of my
(06:01):
father's personality, and it kind of, to be honest with you,
bothers me when people say you act just like your daddy,
but you remind me so much of your daddy, And
that bothers me because I know, dude, you know what
I mean, No, dude, So that bothers me. And then
(06:24):
sometimes I find myself if I look in the mirror,
I do a certain move, I do my hand in
a certain way, I'm like.
Speaker 7 (06:31):
Damn, that's my pop, right, But.
Speaker 5 (06:36):
The character traits.
Speaker 4 (06:40):
I don't.
Speaker 5 (06:41):
I don't be liking that, hm, like, man, you act
just like nah no, yeah, And they don't understand why
I be feeling the way I be feeling, you know
what I mean, because yeah, you know what I'm saying. Yeah,
you know what I mean. And you know, me and
them just started back really conversing because it was to
(07:05):
the point where I told him, like I told my
own father chance niggas.
Speaker 4 (07:11):
You know, well, right you told him like, Okay, you
went off because.
Speaker 5 (07:16):
I know what that if you say that to me,
I know what. I know what's coming behind it.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
Well, you know that seriousness of it. Like I really
mean this.
Speaker 8 (07:24):
If you listen, we could we can talk. I don't
even you can say a lot of stuff to me.
Just don't call me bitches and holes.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
Yeah, because now I know you're trying to push me
to a level. You know what I'm saying, you know, right, So.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
For years, me and my father haven't spoken, Okay for years,
and it was to the point where I like, if
I see you, I'm gonna do that to you, right,
like really and you know years Brocause See, I'm the
(08:02):
type of person I've been in the Fitz, right, I've
been in prison. I know how to be by myself,
So me not fucking with you won't hurt me. I
know how to be by myself. The last eighteen months
of a six and a half year bid, I was
in solitary confinement twenty three and one for eighteen months
(08:25):
because I split a nigger head with a mop bringer. Wow,
So I know how to be by myself. I'm cool
with that, right, I don't have to talk to you,
you know what I'm saying. So for years, my father
and I and prior to this situation, it was years
and years, and you know what I'm saying. And then
he had his moments where he come in and then
(08:48):
when he come in, give him a.
Speaker 4 (08:52):
Chance, and then he showed you the same thing again.
Speaker 5 (08:57):
Yeah, I mean, it's just like, all right, man, I'm
not great. Keep I'm not gonna keep doing that. So
I went years, but the last situation was a blow
up to the point where I'm like, hey, man, when
I catch you, bro, it's yeah, it's like that, like this, like.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
What they say on side. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (09:16):
So my mom she's trying to like talk me out
of it, and I'm like, nah, I ain't trying to
none of that. And the more y'all keep advocating for
the peace, I ain't great to be too fond of
y'all neither. Yeah, just leave me along to a fire
because I'm like, y'all not feeling this.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
I am, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (09:35):
So it's easy for you to say no, don't act
you don't react this way or don't feel that type
of way or whatever whatever.
Speaker 4 (09:42):
But m.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
He also shape to help me a lot in a
lot of ways because.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
I know what not to do there it is, you
know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (09:54):
He didn't show me what to do in the way
he did, But I just do the opposite of that
you did that you showed me, right, try to do
the option that sh so I know what I knew
what I missed out on, and I don't want them
to I don't want them to miss.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Out on on that.
Speaker 4 (10:13):
Your children, right, right, that's right.
Speaker 5 (10:15):
You know what I'm saying. I don't want them to
have that The same sentiments that I have about you
and thoughts that I have about you, I don't want
mine to feel that way about me, you know what
I mean? So yeah, yeah, yeah, like.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
Me and my pops.
Speaker 8 (10:30):
I was kind of talking about it on the first episode,
well episode one A I think, But on on that
episode I was talking about, like I, I really can't
tell you besides my stubbornness, maybe what traits I shared
with my pops because for me, he was like in
(10:52):
and out of jail all the way until I was
ten eleven years old, and then he went to the
penitentiary until I was twenty, and then when he went
to the penitentiary and came out, I got married and
went to Indianapolis, So I didn't have like a solid
relationship with him, you know what I'm saying. One lesson
that he taught me, I could say this is be
(11:13):
better than me. I told him, I want to be
just like you.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
I want to be like you. He don't be like me,
be better than me. So I was better than him.
Speaker 8 (11:25):
But in the criminal sense, you know what I'm saying,
because he always he went to jail. I never went
to jail, you know what I'm saying, because I learned
just from the mistakes that he made, You know what
I'm saying, not to write on, not to certain moves
when they're not you know, when to slow down, when
to stop.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
I learned a lot from him in those aspects.
Speaker 8 (11:46):
But that's actually just things I taught myself from the
mistakes he made going to You know.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
What I'm saying.
Speaker 8 (11:52):
And I only learned what I learned from him from
zero to ten because again he went through the penitentiary
at ten eleven years old, come out until I was twenty,
right from ten to twenty. Those are very, very very
detrimental year, very very detrimental years.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
So yes, you know the only thing that I had
was the block m M right. You know what I mean.
I had the block.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
The block raised you I had.
Speaker 8 (12:21):
I mean my mom's I ain't gonna say the block
raised me. Okay, Grandpa, Grandpa, no, no, I ain't.
Speaker 4 (12:27):
No no apologies needed. I'd say that my grandmother and
grandfather raised me, right, all right. My grandfather was my
example of a man and the father, you know what
I'm saying. But as far as like my father, I don't.
I learned how I learned how to sell a dope, right,
just being real. I seen every dope, every type of dope.
(12:50):
You know what I'm saying. That he had weed, Cole,
we talked about it.
Speaker 8 (12:53):
You know what I'm saying, water when we're talking about
when this ship first at the streets us.
Speaker 4 (12:58):
Right, you know what I mean. So I learned that.
I understood that.
Speaker 8 (13:02):
But again I talked myself even that on paperweight scale
we had back then, you.
Speaker 4 (13:08):
Know what I mean, had no digital right, So you
know what I'm saying. I'm just saying, like, so I
learned that and to be better than him at that. Okay,
you know what I'm saying. But Postles gone to jail,
Moms was working, you know what I'm saying. So it
was the streets when when.
Speaker 8 (13:26):
I got to to of age where it's like, I'm
not gonna go be with my grandma and grandpa like
that no more.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
My mom's got a house, I got a little brother.
I gotta be there for him.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Right.
Speaker 8 (13:38):
So we're in the house on the block, in the
middle of the block. And I got everything because I
do my thing and be.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
You know, on the low.
Speaker 8 (13:49):
So everybody fucks wild. Yeah, I got the DJ ship,
I got the PlayStation, I got the you know what
I mean. I got everything, right, So everybody comes to
the big to the crib, you know what I mean.
But that's if it wasn't for the guys like around
me that protected me, you know what I'm saying. That
shit could have been, you know, but my pops wasn't there,
(14:11):
you know what I mean. So we talk about our kids, right,
I set up like watching him laying in the bed yesterday,
my son playing Sonic. He's six, PlayStation five controller his hands.
I'm like, his hand's too little for this ship for real,
but he playing the ship out He beat the game,
(14:33):
like he beat several games.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
But it's just I'm sitting there watching him play the game,
laying there and it's like, man.
Speaker 8 (14:42):
How crazy would I have that ship? Well, it's what
I passed down. It's one thing because like we talked
genetics as a motherfucker.
Speaker 4 (14:51):
Cause that ship is in him, right, But.
Speaker 8 (14:56):
What how crazy would I have been if my pops
would have just sat there and w if you would
have just took interest in what I was doing, you
know what I mean? It's like I would have probably
been you know what I mean one of the in
the nineties, because I go back and what documentaries we
talked about that for I watched these documentaries in the
(15:16):
nineties late eighties, Blockbusters was having video game tournaments and.
Speaker 4 (15:22):
Shit like that.
Speaker 8 (15:23):
I ain't had no idea about that shit until I'm
grown as a motherfucker watching these documentaries. But if Pops
would have been there and took interest in seeing that
and would have been there to cultivate, come on, right.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
But that's the thing. So yeah, the only thing I
could say that I've learned from my pops.
Speaker 8 (15:46):
And people don't really say you just like your pops
and me for real, I still I don't be around
a lot of people that's family.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
I be to myself. I be real introverted, you know
what I'm saying, like because I'm just like a ticking
time bomb.
Speaker 8 (15:58):
And then like you with your the last time, me
and my pops, I ain't really spoken my pops in
a few years because like he had when we was
on good terms, he had a Thanksgiving thing and my
me and my lady, you know, we was pregnant with
(16:19):
the with our son. She had a son and our
son and their belly, and.
Speaker 4 (16:24):
We already had my daughter. It was a very low
point for me financially.
Speaker 8 (16:29):
I had just lost the job like a few months prior,
and I was working another job for a temp service
at a pay cut. And I had just walked in
that job office and asked the guy, look, are you
gonna hire me full time?
Speaker 4 (16:45):
Or like should I keep moving? And he was like,
just be patient, I'm gonna get you. You know what
I'm saying. We love what you're doing everything like that,
And I was like, all right, cool.
Speaker 8 (16:54):
But we had this Thanksgiving thing and we was at
the Thanksgiving thing, we was all outside of the bill
and smoking, right, and so he comes out and he
got a beer in his pocket, pulls the beer out,
cracks the beer, drank the beer I passed in the wheel.
I was like, man, you should have brought another beer out,
could have had a beer with you.
Speaker 4 (17:15):
And this motherfucker told me it's a store right up there,
can go get you a beer or whatever. You know
what I'm saying. It was embarrassing to me. Wow, I'm
your junior. You want to parade me around. Yeah, this
is my junior, that's my oldest boy and all that.
But you want to direct me to where I could.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Go buy a beer?
Speaker 7 (17:39):
You got a house?
Speaker 4 (17:40):
Nah, here's my keys to the apartment, go up there
and get you on.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Nah.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
He directed me to where I man, I was It
was that was. I was done. I was done. Yeah
you know what I'm saying. Yeah, pissed me off.
Speaker 8 (17:57):
And it might be the pittiest thing ever, but it's
like it's not it's a beard, bro, But I not
to cut you off. Please my step my mom's house
where my step father, and I say, word, you got
a beard?
Speaker 4 (18:12):
Yeah, gonna get you one out of there. This is
this is the last one.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
It don't matter, right, So you know yeah, yeah, yeah,
I can that would definitely yeah, I mean and and
and in that your feelings were validated as to how
you felt at that moment, like you said, you felt embarrassed,
like like like you got all these questions, like for real,
(18:38):
right now you're gonna and you got and we're standing
right and were in front of family.
Speaker 9 (18:42):
And ship you know, oh man, yeah, you know, because
it's a Thanksgiving thing, so we're all front the family
and you say that like, man, it's a beard.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (18:54):
So like that was that was that was a pivotal
moment in our relationship.
Speaker 8 (18:58):
We actually had a pretty good really ship at the time.
And like we haven't really spoken since then. That's probably
been like four maybe five years now.
Speaker 5 (19:08):
Wow, Now you said like the things you said, like
the things that you learned, right, I remember like with
my father, right, my father, my father was on drugs
like bad bro. So people in the neighborhood. I remember
this one time, man, my my and he was my
(19:28):
best friend when we moved to Delaware's name was Tweet,
So I used to always see my pop in the neighborhood. Right,
and now let me give you a little backstory when
we got when we got there, right, everything was good.
When we first moved down there because my my father
(19:49):
moved there because his cousin had a construction company. So
he moved us there and then we stayed in his house.
He had a gas house in Delaware in New York.
So we were there for like thirty days. The company
went bankrupt. But motherfucker, you knew this before we got there,
(20:14):
that your company was in trouble before we got there. Yeah,
so once we get there, So once we get there,
you know, we stayed there for a little while, they
get into it. He put my mom and dad out.
He put us out right right, So now we're in
a hotel. We stayed in the hotel for a while.
(20:36):
Then I ended up we ended up moving into a shelter.
The shelter was for.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Women and women and children. But didn't let my.
Speaker 5 (20:48):
Dad come too. Wow, So we all stayed there. Now,
mind you, after they was he was getting high before
we before we moved there, right cause I had caught
a conversation. And I remember this like it was yesterday, bro,
because I told you before we moved to the East Coast,
I was born here. We stayed on page. It was
(21:10):
there was two dudes. They was brothers I swear to God,
I remember these niggas like yesterday named kool Aid and Punch.
They lived right next door to us.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Yep.
Speaker 5 (21:21):
Kool Aid had a long ass, Jerry Curl with dark skin,
and Punch had a low cut. Punch came out of
the room from my Me and my sister was playing
in the bedroom, bro and the room is right across
from the dining the family room. He was coming out
of the room and he said, I gotta go back
next door and rock up some more dope real quick.
I'd be right back. My pop saw us with the dog,
(21:44):
and I'm standing there looking. He like, hey, sh my
kids right here. But I hadn't already heard the shit,
right right, I know what dope is.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
So they go next door.
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Then we in it long story show, we end up moving.
That whole situation happens. We end up in the shelter,
Da da da. So he's out there now at this point,
he because he now he out here getting eye right.
So I recall my mom. I called my mom too,
because she wasn't doing nothing at first, but that being
a husband, she wanted to be involved in what he's in.
So now here she go. You know what I'm saying,
(22:19):
but my mom was functioning. He wasn't right, you know
what I'm saying. He was just all the way gone
with it. So I will see my father when we
moved into the shelter, I would see him in the
hood because now he ain't even standing at the shelter,
but there's no more. He already totally he's out there
out there.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
So now I was like, I just see him if
I just happened to be out on the basketball court
playing ball and then just happened to turn my head
to see him, like you know what I mean, you
know that looking at Yeah. So he came up to
me one day and I was with my man. Tweet
(23:00):
come up to me. He says my real name and everything.
So tweets standing and he looking. So I'm looking at
this nigga, like, man, you better not say shit, so
he don't notice my father. Nobody in the hood knows.
Speaker 7 (23:13):
This is my father.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Oh you at that time asked him.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
I was like, I was going to New York high
school at that time.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
I was like fourteen, fifteen four high school typical, like fifteen.
Speaker 5 (23:27):
Anyway, he like he asked me questions and shit. So tweet.
He's standing there, he tweet looking. He like, and he
looking at him, look back at me because I look
like my father, broh. So he looking at us both
and he like, So after the dude leave, he like,
(23:50):
you need some money, I'm like, now I don't need nothing.
So after the dude walk off, Tweet like, man, who
that that's meased?
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Something?
Speaker 5 (24:00):
Gotta know, ain't tweeting like for the loan. He ain't
say nothing.
Speaker 7 (24:06):
So we go about our day.
Speaker 5 (24:09):
And Tweets said, hey, man, you know I fuck with you, right,
I'm like, yeah, what's up? And like, Yo, you ain't
never got to worry about nothing coming out of my
mouth about nothing. I know that's your father. You look
just like dude, he said.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
But I didn't know.
Speaker 5 (24:24):
We serve him all the time, right, I'm like what
he's like? Yeah, I'm like, oh, he's like, yo, you
my man. You'll never hear that come up my mouth
from ever. Nobody can never tell you they got that
from me. If anybody do find out, I'm like, that's
what's up. And to this day, Tweet has never told
(24:45):
nobody that was my father.
Speaker 7 (24:47):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (24:48):
But the crazy shit is like the shit that I
was getting on, like the shit that you learned because
what my father used to do, Like when we were
staying in the shelter, he would wake me up, bro,
like two in the morning, like get up, come with me,
Like huh where we're going? Like come on, So he'll
(25:13):
take me and we'll go out. He got this this
big ass army like Duffels Duffel bad right, So yeah,
you can put a body in one of them. You
put a whole body in one of them, Jones. So
we out. He got me on route. He got me
on route walking. M It's two thirty three o'clock in
(25:35):
the morning, bro, I got to get up for school
at six thirty. But he got me out, and I'm
not knowing what we're going to do the first time, right,
So he goes to this apartment complex. He pull out
these boat cutters, starts cutting the fence open, Like the
fuck is the stick of doing. I still don't know
(25:56):
what's going on. I've never witnessed none of this before.
I'm a kid, bro right, I ain't win this, none
of this shit. So he like just stay here and wait.
So going there, come out minutes later, bag full of
he got all types of pipes and all types of
bullshit hanging out this bag, you know what I'm saying.
(26:18):
And I'm talking about we on route until damn it
toil the sun come up, and then he bring me back.
Now it's time for me to get ready for school.
Speaker 4 (26:31):
Like you've been all night?
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker 5 (26:33):
So I'm in school. I'm tired as fuck. I got
basketball practice, I got this, I got that, you know
what I'm saying. So like it was, it was real
fucked up bro, Like he had no regard for like nothing.
He used to really take me on missions with him
to go, you know what I'm saying still and do bullshit,
you know what I'm saying, so he can benefit from
(26:54):
it and get high. Mhmm, you know what I'm saying Now,
I can't The one thing I can say is that
today he's not the same individual. I can't say that
for him. He's a way better grandfather than he is
than he ever was a father. I'm ever and we've
had that conversation recently within the last few weeks.
Speaker 4 (27:16):
Right, I could say that for my father, but not
for my kids. For his other grandkids, I can say
that he is a good grandfather.
Speaker 5 (27:26):
See he was he was like that. He was like
he would come to town because my father stayed in Memphis.
He would come to Saint Louis. I would we wouldn't
know he was here, but he would go see my
sisters and.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Their kids.
Speaker 4 (27:43):
Got you. Yeah see.
Speaker 5 (27:44):
But me and my other little brother, yeah, we never
knew this name.
Speaker 4 (27:47):
He was here.
Speaker 8 (27:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (27:49):
He literally just met my son for the second time.
My son is seventh. When he first saw my son,
my son was just like maybe one. Yeah, it's just
song for the first time, like two months ago. For
the second time.
Speaker 8 (28:06):
My son is six, and my pop's just seen him
for the first time when he was like four, because
we did I have seen him, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
But yeah, Wow, as I sit here, man, I listen
to you, brothers, I gotta be honest, man, I'm coming.
I'm gonna be coming from a different perspective, you know.
As far as father. Okay, I grew up with my father,
and I was raised with my mother and my father
(28:38):
until I was about fourteen thirteen fourteen, then my mom's
and dad got divorced. But I can, man, I'm sitting
here feeling crazy because I'm hearing y'all stories, right, and
some of the stuff I can't relate to that makes sense,
And that's all respect now that you did. Can't listen.
(29:02):
I hear you.
Speaker 5 (29:03):
I hear you.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
I hear you. Some of it, I can't. I can't.
I'm just sitting here like as y'all talking, right, I'm
just like man, you know, kind of like somebody trying
to figure out a foreign language. In a sense you want,
you want to understand it, but you really can't understand it.
Speaker 4 (29:23):
Right.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
And even when my mom's and my dad got divorced,
he was still there. M hm. You know what I'm saying.
They stayed on sethar sides of town. When we had
ball games and we had stuff like that, we hurt practices.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
He was there.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
You understand what I'm saying. But going back to things
I got from my father, I looked like like you
said earlier, I looked just like my father, especially not
I got older. You dig know what I'm saying. And
it's so damn scary because I look at pictures.
Speaker 7 (29:58):
When he was.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
My father pass in two thousand and six, all right,
he stopped. My father died young, he was fifty four.
But I look at pictures and I'm like, hey, here
I am. I'm approaching fifty, right, And I look at
pictures when he was forty forty five before he got sick,
and I'm just like, at one time I look at
him like I know, I don't. I look at the pictures.
I'm like, God, all I need is a pair of
(30:22):
glasses on. All I need is a pair of glasses on.
But things that I got from my father man work ethic, right,
you know, what's the saying that you what's the saying
go hard to go home? Like? He instilled that in me,
(30:43):
my brother, my sister. You know what I'm saying. He
instilled things like, if you're gonna do it, do it right.
It's something you said earlier my father, and he instilled
it us. You know, be honest, try your best, always
to be honest with people. My father was big on
(31:06):
showing love and that that love could be forarm of
if every time I see you, what's up, man? How
you doing? You know what I'm saying. He he he
was big on that, man, you know, And in return,
I have children and I have grandchildren, and it's so
(31:26):
funny because I go into my kid's house, so I
see them or whatever here come. You know, my grandbabies
are like, Papa, give me some love, Papa, give me
a love, Give me love. Man, I just like you
could buy me for a dollar at that moment, you
know what I mean. But my father was there, man,
he was active, you know. And and and that's another
(31:48):
thing he instilled in me and my brother and my
sister as well.
Speaker 5 (31:52):
And see that that what you just said goes into
the next thing I wanted to ask, like, how will
father's presidence or lack of it affected your sense of
identity and security?
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Okay, I can speak on I can speak on that
from both ends. From from I can speak on an
aspect as a son and as a father. If I
can get into that as a father. As a son,
my father's presence was felt, okay, he felt. It was
(32:28):
felt even with us living with my mom once they
got their divorce, if we clowned with mama or acted
a fool with mama. Right, we already knew he was coming,
and he wasn't coming to shake your hand, you know
what I'm saying. So I think I think knowing that
(32:50):
was another reason. I can honestly say, me and my
brother and sister we didn't really do a whole lot
of clowning. I mean, we argued among each other every
now and again, but we didn't really do a whole
lot of clown that. You know what I'm saying, But
don't give me don't get his twisted. Though Mama had
a strong right hand too, you know what I'm saying.
Mama had a strong right hand too. Now, speaking on
(33:13):
that same subject as a father, I'm a father of
seven children.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
Six.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
You know, people get into that whole biological thing, six biological,
one bonus baby, if I can say it that way.
But my bonus baby is my oldest child of all
my seven children. I have seven children between two different women,
three on Earth, three over here. Three of my children
(33:49):
didn't get all of me like they should have. They didn't.
They didn't get all of me like they should have.
My presence wasn't in their life for quite a few years.
So in that aspect, they got cheated. They got cheated
or by my other children. They saw me every day,
(34:11):
They was with me every day, and they knew Daddy.
They could tell you when Daddy going to sleep, tell
you when Daddy going when he was tired. Three of
my other children didn't have that. They wasn't awarded that
because of my selfish decisions. You see what I'm saying.
The things I could have did, I didn't do consistently right.
(34:35):
But I always say that, thanks to God, thanks to Facebook,
we found each other when they this was some years ago.
I'm going back some years now, we found each other right,
and to see them as they got older, I'm just
like Jesus, these are my children. Now. Fast forward to
(35:02):
well that day when we were reunited, we had a
good time pizza post I still remember like it was yesterday,
had a little pizza poisy at the house. All the
kids was there, everybody meeting each other and mingling and everything.
And I told them then, I said, I'm not going nowhere.
I promise you that, each and every last one of them.
(35:23):
I promptic I don't care what goes on in my life,
of your life, I'm not going anywhere. Deal with it.
You got me, right, And I said that in the
most respectful way to them. You know what I'm saying.
(35:43):
I needed them to know that I'm here. My presence
will be felt throughout your life until it's time for
me to go to the heavenly gates. I'm here. I'm here,
and I meant that, man, I meant that because they
didn't deserve what I did not give them. You understand
what I'm saying. They didn't deserve that, man, they didn't
(36:05):
ask to be it, right right, Okay.
Speaker 7 (36:09):
See for me, mine was different.
Speaker 5 (36:12):
Mom was totally different because the lack of my father's
presidence kind of caused me to look for myself or
look for something other.
Speaker 7 (36:27):
Than him and other people.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
Mmkay right.
Speaker 5 (36:33):
So, and what I mean by that is I've always
been to myself, always been a loner. I was a
good kid. I was always a good kid, had good grades,
played sports. Then when he left, I was still on
(36:58):
that same path. Right, but shit got rough. And I
mean we finally got out of the sheltering into a house,
right but the neighborhood, I mean, I'm coming outside. Everybody
(37:19):
got that ship.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
On it's you know what I mean.
Speaker 7 (37:23):
It's this is when.
Speaker 5 (37:27):
Toyota Corolla one point eight was the ship. Now, I'm
telling you because we because we used to you know
what they look you know at what point we used
to drop We used to drop them put the little
rims on it. You know what I'm saying had the
systems in them joint Honda, Honda cars and ship you
know what I'm saying. So, you know what i mean,
we sliding and yeah, so you know I'm I'm coming
(37:49):
outside just protecting my sister, playing with my sister and
my other two youngest brothers and sister.
Speaker 7 (37:54):
They in the house.
Speaker 5 (37:55):
My mom, you know what I mean, she's still dibbling
that and doing what she's doing. But again, my mom
was a functioning add right. My mom was going to
cosmetology school, so everybody in the hood knew my mom
as oh that's miss Tracy. Like all the drug dealers
brought their girls to my mom to get their head done,
(38:16):
all of them, you know what I'm saying. So my
mom was whipping everybody ship up spent like back then.
This is when finger Waves was the ship and girls
head right, man, man, my mom was laying these my
mom and my mom was laying these bros head out,
laying they ship. So all the dope dealers bring it,
you know what I'm saying. And then they paying her
either with money or with you know what i mean.
(38:38):
So I'm not really knowing that part, you know what
I'm saying. So I started looking for people to kick
it with and hang with. Okay, the people I started
looking at, they was all out into the streets. So
my introduction to all that was some dudes just messing
(39:01):
with my little sister.
Speaker 4 (39:02):
Man.
Speaker 5 (39:02):
I remember they threw me outside, she outside on her
on her bike. They threw something matter, no words from me.
I just went over there and took off on the ball.
The dude that ran the block name was Quick God
bless her daddy. Came up to me. He was like, yo, Surety,
I have been watching you for a while, Like I
fuck with you like you like you quiet, you don't play,
(39:25):
you know what I'm saying. And then you ain't no punk.
I'm like, all right, cool, going back across the street
through You know what I'm saying. I'm going to go
play with my sister. I don't know, y'all.
Speaker 7 (39:37):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (39:38):
I'm going back cross the street with my sister. So
he came over there and started talking to me. Where
y'all from Saint Louis? Where that's at?
Speaker 2 (39:47):
Wow, they didn't know what that was.
Speaker 5 (39:50):
So I'm giving him the history running the down to him.
You a blood? What's the blood that's that ship that's
on in South Central Colors and shit. Yeah, I'm like, yeah,
they had no clue. That's why I say, like, I
ain't people talk shit. I'm talking ninety two, ninety three.
(40:15):
I was over there already. They didn't know what the
blood or cript none of that was none of that.
None of that, bro, none of that. So when I
got there, all I was saying, like something, that's where
the neighborhood I came from. You know what I'm saying.
I got jumped at the park on Hamilton by a
bunch of bloods in it. You know what I'm saying.
(40:36):
When I was nine, bro, and my father whooked my
ass for that. But these are niggas I'm rocking with.
Then he took me from that and moved me out here.
You know what I'm saying. The long story short, it
started with like, yo, we fuck with you, like you
come hang with us, and they showing me different shit.
I'm like, all right, cool, come around the corner and
(40:56):
see what they doing. My street was why dope was
sold on it, But you couldn't tell going around the corner.
This motherfuck I'm jumping this live this, live, this lit.
Speaker 4 (41:10):
I like that.
Speaker 2 (41:11):
It's a different world. Okay, cool?
Speaker 5 (41:13):
Yeah, my mom around there.
Speaker 7 (41:15):
She probably cosmetology school.
Speaker 5 (41:16):
Right now. Once I get out of school, I ain't
got too much to do. I ain't worried about too
much or nothing. Beat I'm outside. I'm coming every day
now when I come home for school. I dropped my
bags hop the gate. I'm going right around the corner
on the block. So now I'm out there with these
niggas and I'm seeing shit. They go to the store
for me. Here a hundred dollars they it might be
like ten fifteen dollars worth of shit. Keep you change?
(41:37):
What keep the change? Cool? What's that? Show me how
to do that? And there I go. I went from
there right now. It's to the point where I got
cars and shit in front of the house. I got
cars and shit in front of the house. My mama
don't even know them mind, you know what I mean. Like,
(42:01):
I'm giving her money for bills, but she think I'm
doing odd jobs cutting grass, groceries and whatever. Until one
of her friends caught me driving and that blew the
whole spot up. But yeah, but my my lack of
cause I know for a fact, bro, if I had
my father, I would have never went down that route. Yeah, yeah,
(42:27):
even through those times in the streets, I was still
playing balls, still going to school like I played. I
went to college, bro for two semesters I went. I
played for John Cheney at Temple, and then I played
for Delaware State. I lost my lost my basketball scholarship
because I shot a nigga from Boston in the face
(42:48):
over dope on the streets. Fucked my whole scholarship up.
You know what I'm saying. But it's like, yeah, bro,
we all do.
Speaker 2 (43:01):
And that's and and I'm gonna tell you something, man.
Speaker 5 (43:05):
But I tell my father this all the time, like
you don't understand ro the ship that you did. If
you just stuck and stayed, I know for a fact,
I wouldn't have went down the path I went because
I was scared to death of my father.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
You know where hell.
Speaker 5 (43:25):
What drugs, hustling guns, My Daddy'll kicked my ass. I'm
not doing none of that. But I was thrown out
in the in a position where it's like, man, I'm
stummach growling. You gotta help your mama. You got a
little brother and sister in there that you know what
I mean, Two little sisters and a little brother that.
(43:46):
You know what I'm saying, Like, what you're gonna do?
Speaker 4 (43:48):
Right?
Speaker 5 (43:49):
But I knew to still do what I was doing
and still stay in school. Yeah, until the bucks just
ain't look as good as that paper. And that's why
I fucked up too.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 5 (44:03):
I wasn't thinking a way I should have been, because
now I'm coming to school just a stunt. On shit,
I got an eight to fifty. Don't even make eight
fifties no more. I had an eight fifty in high school.
Bro all red two door BMW eight fifty.
Speaker 2 (44:24):
In high school.
Speaker 5 (44:27):
You know what I'm saying, Like, come on, man, my
teachers is like, what are you doing? We know what
you're doing? Stop right, all right whatever, I'm not even
coming to class no more to come to class like.
Speaker 4 (44:39):
I just.
Speaker 5 (44:41):
It was like I just kept my I kept my
grades where they needed to be so I could still
play sports. Yeah, but it got to the point where
I just started coming to class just to go to
the lunches and about the bitches ice cream. Straight up,
I went to all three lunches, bro, just a stunt,
Just a stunt, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (45:01):
Put on the show.
Speaker 5 (45:01):
Yeah, I have people doing my work for me. Yeah,
I'm turning in you know what I mean? Like, Yeah,
but I went down that route because those were the
people I started looking up to. Those were the people
that were showing me love, you know what I'm saying,
and not even knowing that the dude Quick, This dude
(45:22):
was my man, bro at this point, I'm seventeen quick,
twenty one, twenty one millionaire, twenty one off dope millionaire
(45:44):
and got high. Nobody anymore.
Speaker 7 (45:48):
Wow, smoke crack like ninety going north.
Speaker 5 (45:51):
You never would have known and you would have never
called him all because he would beat you from your
knees to your forty head. The boy was nice in
the hands. But yeah, those are the people that I
looked up to because they showed me the love that
I you know what I'm saying, that I thought I needed.
Speaker 4 (46:09):
That.
Speaker 5 (46:10):
That's the love I felt the most from them. You
know what I'm saying. It wasn't from my father, right,
So dumb type of situations caused me to go in
a totally different route a life that led me. You know,
I was made into what I became. Bro, I wasn't
that guy, right, despite claiming the hood because I was
(46:34):
from Saint Louis that got jumped in. I could fight
it ain't no bitch. That was a whole different thing though,
especially back then. Gang bang wasn't with these little catches
making it now to be it.
Speaker 7 (46:45):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (46:46):
It's stuff for something different back then, you know what
I mean, that's all I knew, bro and going to
school and playing ball, shooting people in cases and all
the the ship I still think about sometimes and dream
about that fuck me up sometimes I was made to
(47:08):
do that ship that wasn't in me to do. Just
being honest, none of us are killers, naturally, none of us. Right,
You get put in situations where it's either you kill
this nigga, you go home, you pop this nigga, or he.
Speaker 4 (47:28):
Pop you, unless you just made that so like you
could be made that.
Speaker 5 (47:34):
That's what I'm saying, right right, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
Like you were programmed, That's what it is, because it
starts right right, you were programmed and right here.
Speaker 8 (47:48):
Yeah, and when you you know, like for one thing,
it's like you said, it's not necessarily even a thing
of being programmed. And at the point of you know
when you in these positions, you know what I'm saying, Like,
if it's between you and this guy, well you gotta
go home, right, So right, you don't think about doing
that any other time exactly, but now that you're in
(48:10):
the situation.
Speaker 5 (48:12):
But then but see, the thing is when you in
them situations and that and then you know and you're
learning how often them situations come. With the game, it
starts to become normal.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
Yeah, and that shit.
Speaker 4 (48:24):
Ain't normal, sociopathic.
Speaker 5 (48:27):
That shit ain't normal. Right, No man should live like
you know what I'm saying, Like we while you in
the game, you thinking like yeah, and then we got yeah,
we just staying at it before we knew what's before
they called it sliding. You know what I'm saying, We
just went and we ain't put in work on that
shit was celebrated. You know what I'm saying, Like it
like that's not normal. Now it's not normal, you know
(48:49):
what I'm saying. It's not a life that now that
we're older, we see like, yo, we was really wild
and back then, you know what I mean, Like that
shit wasn't normal.
Speaker 4 (48:59):
We like.
Speaker 5 (49:02):
Having no And then I attribute a lot of this
ship and I had to say this to my therapist once.
I attribute a lot of this ship to the absence
of my father, not having feelings, being cold hearted, sometimes
not knowing how to properly deal with a female. All
(49:25):
this shit you gotta learn on your own, you know
what I'm saying. Yeah, and with your niggas, you ain't
getting that type of teaching. Man, were to train on
this bitch. I'm trying to fuck some and so the
night off man. Oh yeah, yeah, I just fucked up
the other night. No, No, that's what y'all talking about.
It's nothing conducive.
Speaker 2 (49:46):
So, yeah, you said something, you said something. You said
the presence. You know, if your if your if your
father had been present, you can kind of dick what
you would have or would not have done.
Speaker 7 (50:02):
Correct.
Speaker 5 (50:03):
I know if my father was present, I would not
have gone down the path I did.
Speaker 2 (50:06):
And and you know how I spoke just a few
minutes ago about these these those this number of my
children got everything from me, and these didn't well. With
my children who did get everything or saw me every day,
my presence was in their life. Sometimes that statement ain't
(50:31):
always true. And I only say that because I have
one myself right who that same path you were talking
about went down that same path. You understand what I'm
saying now. I will say this. He made it known
to me, Pops, this ain't your fault because I'm gonna
(50:56):
be honest with you in that moment when he was
going through all that and he still dealing with it.
We talked about it before. He's still dealing with that
right when it when it happened the first time and
the second time, I'm like, the fuck? What did I
not say to him? What did I not show him?
(51:17):
Did I not? You know, give him enough time, give
him enough attention? Did I not? Did I not?
Speaker 7 (51:23):
Did I not?
Speaker 2 (51:23):
Did I not?
Speaker 7 (51:24):
Right?
Speaker 2 (51:26):
And I felt like that was on me, right because
I just be honest, Like I told you, I got
seven children between two women, so I wasn't the most
faithful person in a relationship at one time. So some
things he saw from it, He saw me, well, they
(51:49):
my children saw me playing the field, right. I'm not
proud of it, but I'm just being we being real
right right? So I thought, you know, man, he got
that from me, right, I'm like, where did this lifestyle
come from? Because he never saw me on that track? Never,
(52:11):
because I never was you understand what I'm saying. I
was tempted when I was younger, you know, in high school,
but never did nothing with it. And I'm just like,
where did that part come from? But with all of
our children, all of us have, all of us me
and all of us have children, there's two sides. As
you said before, Mom, Dad, you understand what I'm saying.
So I'm just like, damn. And for the longest time,
(52:34):
I used to always think it was my fault. Had
I never said this, had I? And then he made
it known to me propably, you didn't do this to me,
And I can I hear him saying that right, Tell
this that right, Tell my heart that you understand what
I'm saying. Tell my mind that make my heart, make
(52:55):
my make my convince my heart that it wasn't me
or wasn't anything that I did or did not do.
Now Here we are years later, and I'm better with
it now than I was then. You know, I'm better
with it now than I was then. You know what
I'm saying. Yeah, man, And then my children who didn't
(53:18):
have me like they should.
Speaker 4 (53:19):
Have, you know, and.
Speaker 2 (53:23):
Didn't take that route.
Speaker 4 (53:27):
That's yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
They didn't. They didn't. They didn't tiptoe on that road
at all. And I'm just like, what the budge?
Speaker 8 (53:40):
What?
Speaker 6 (53:40):
You know, like how.
Speaker 2 (53:43):
How if if anything? I've always said, go to work, Yeah,
go to work.
Speaker 8 (53:48):
But you know, sometimes like it's just like your friends,
you know, and what what what you attracted to as
a person.
Speaker 4 (53:57):
It don't always be our fault as a parent.
Speaker 2 (54:00):
And the same as you.
Speaker 8 (54:01):
I've got two kids who I wasn't there for as
well as the two kids that i'm you know, my
smaller children, So I definitely relate.
Speaker 4 (54:09):
To that and it's tough.
Speaker 8 (54:12):
But man, it's like we just had to learn how
to live with those regrets in the way, you know
what I'm saying, even.
Speaker 4 (54:20):
Though it wasn't your phone, you know what I mean?
And he lets you know that you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (54:23):
Yeah m hm, but yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, man,
this is it's a lot more. I wanted to get
into what we always always.
Speaker 4 (54:37):
We do these things like we can be here for hours.
Speaker 5 (54:40):
Hours, bro, I think I think, I'm I don't know,
I might have to extend this show and.
Speaker 4 (54:45):
The topics can ongoing.
Speaker 8 (54:48):
Yeah, because I still got like we talked about a
lot of these things in the very first episodes, just
randomly because it all relates to what we're.
Speaker 5 (54:57):
Talking about, right right, yeah, all right, So it's eight o'clock.
We gotta let the next show come on and do
their thing, man, But I definitely appreciate you for coming, Aaron.
Speaker 7 (55:06):
Yeah, thank you again.
Speaker 8 (55:08):
Man.
Speaker 7 (55:08):
We'll talk Tuesday at the office. Yes, tomorrow's a holiday, so.
Speaker 5 (55:13):
Yeah, yeah, yeah again. So happy early Memorial's Day to
everyone out there. That's a wrap on this episode. To
beyond the beard, everybody watching, If you felt a little
called out, then wherever we did to fatherhood leaves fingerprints
on our lives. But the beautiful thing is we've got
to say in what legacy that we leave behind. So
(55:36):
whether you're breaking cycles, building new ones, or still figuring
out which end of the emotional toolbox to use, know this,
you're not alone and you're not stuck. If this episode
would hit home, share it with your crew. If you've
got a story lesson epic Dad Phil, we want to
hear it sliding to our dms like a kid on
the slipping slide.
Speaker 7 (55:56):
Will how let you guys next week. Thanks for rolling
with us.
Speaker 5 (56:00):
Until next time, Keep growing, keep laughing and keep going
beyond the beard.
Speaker 4 (56:08):
Kaya Tellum queens quality, I can't say that's why I
am
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