HAIKU HOUR

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Imagine if our ancestor they didn't my harsh, they didn't fight,
they did not die for freedom.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
Where where would we be today?

Speaker 1 (00:16):
And imagine if Kings were still alive? Can can you
imagine what he'd say? And imagine if our people were
living in the motherland to conn come to kings and queens.

Speaker 3 (00:27):
You see po.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
Portrayed in the White man's movies on stage and then
on TV. Imagine imagine if crowds were never produced, heroine
never existed, and imagine them three o'clock. I knocked on
you the door till, telling you your child resisted, And
imagine imagine imagine imagine no colleague leading the rock, I

(01:07):
ran enough gas lam, no wars can take our young.

Speaker 4 (01:10):
And imagine our children being boy and boy.

Speaker 2 (01:13):
Then you and I owned a gun.

Speaker 1 (01:16):
Imagine imagine that baby stopped having maijes Co do doctor
killing him black unarmed men, white white hey kids go
doctor shooting.

Speaker 4 (01:25):
The churches and schools that they just getting taken in.

Speaker 1 (01:30):
And imagine imagine if King was never killed and it
lives to fulfill the dreams.

Speaker 4 (01:37):
I imagine that my mouth.

Speaker 2 (01:39):
Was here's.

Speaker 1 (01:41):
He here's it to here's the squeeze imagine, I imagine
life without Jesus, no Christ, no big baby, but no hope,
she ain't going crime and the death.

Speaker 4 (01:53):
And imagine your neck at the end of upper rope.
And imagine and imagine on the slationships of the week
because in the.

Speaker 1 (02:02):
Month they desailed. And imagine and imagine being told you
a free man. But let me introduce you to jail.
And imagine that we woke up. And imagine if we
were not hinted, and imagine all that we could achieve

(02:22):
if we wasn't so so damn divided, And imagine imagine
the imagine we wasn't a job by color, and imagine equality,
and imagine.

Speaker 4 (02:33):
That my life of zanas a division black, happy and free.
And imagine and imagine, imagine.

Speaker 1 (02:52):
See we we are all going to me the dreamers. No, no, no,
I'm not out the only one.

Speaker 4 (03:04):
That somewhere in our hearts we recognize that someday.

Speaker 2 (03:14):
We will all little if one.

Speaker 3 (03:20):
Imagine the manchine and imagine, all right, can you hear
his love?

Speaker 5 (03:38):
I can? Yeah, can you hear me?

Speaker 2 (03:40):
All right?

Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yes we can, Yes we can. Welcome to the high
cool hour. My name is Cassius.

Speaker 6 (03:46):
I go by v Queen Leon Alexander.

Speaker 5 (03:51):
Nice to meet you all. I'm Teresa, all.

Speaker 1 (03:53):
Right, all right, and welcome both of our guests here
to the high cool hour. And and since we got
to get you out of here early, so the first
thing you want to do, if we want you to
go ahead on, introduce yourself and tell us a little
bit about yourself.

Speaker 7 (04:08):
Yeah, my name is Triesa Kulakowski Gillespie. I am a
physician assistant. I'm an army veteran, a former eleite gymnast,
and a mindfulness teacher. I'm also an author of a book,
Beyond the Battlefield, that I wrote just a couple of
years ago.

Speaker 1 (04:25):
Okay, okay, now I've been waiting. I wanted to tell
us a little bit about your first book. I'll get
to the second one in a minute, but tell us
a little bit more about your first book and everything
that went into it, about how did you interview the soldiers,
and just give us a little info on it.

Speaker 6 (04:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (04:46):
So, it actually, interestingly started as an online course that
I had put together for elite athletes retiring from sport.
It was called who Am I Now? The Transition to
Life after Sport, and I just wasn't getting much headway
on it. People weren't really interested, and so I sent

(05:07):
it to my former XO, my battalion XO, and he
had been my mentor throughout my time in the army.
He had recently retired, and he went through the entire
course and he said, you know, there might be a
place for this in the military.

Speaker 2 (05:21):
Okay.

Speaker 7 (05:22):
So I just started thinking, Okay, well, let me think
about this, and the idea of interviewing service members came
to my mind. I love hearing people's stories, and so
it was really at that moment that I thought, well,
maybe I can just tell people's stories and then bring
in these tools of mindfulness and meditation, and then just
put together kind of a memoir, a collective memoir of

(05:46):
all of these really inspiring stories of military service and sacrifice.
So it's an interesting evolution.

Speaker 1 (05:54):
Okay, Now, when you did your interviews, I mean, did
you like go out to different posts and and meet
the soldiers or was you like still on active duty
when you sat down with them, or or how.

Speaker 6 (06:05):
Did you do that.

Speaker 5 (06:07):
I had actually been out.

Speaker 7 (06:09):
I got out in twenty twelve, okay, but my husband
was still active duty. We were stationed at Fort Leavenworth,
and he had a bunch of fellow you know, friends
who were still serving. And then I had several friends
from my time in the service, some still active, some
had gotten out, And so a lot of the people
that I interviewed were people that we knew personally. And

(06:32):
then there were a couple that were introduced to me
from other people once they heard that I was doing
the book, they said, oh, you need to interview this person,
or oh you need to interview this person.

Speaker 5 (06:42):
But for the most part, we knew the interviewees.

Speaker 8 (06:47):
Okay, yeah, yeah, Hi, Hi, First and foremost, I do
want your book, but it has to be an autograph copy.

Speaker 5 (06:55):
So sure, yeah, I will definitely send you a puppy.

Speaker 8 (06:59):
So when I think of a battle on the battlefield,
no battle beyond the battlefield.

Speaker 5 (07:04):
Beyond the battlefield, okay, okay, what happens?

Speaker 6 (07:07):
Okay?

Speaker 8 (07:07):
So when I think of that, I guess I want
to ask you what type of topics were you discussing,
Because when we think about battlefields or we reached, are
we touched talking about mental illness or we talking about perspective?

Speaker 9 (07:18):
What are we talking about with that piece of the battlefield.

Speaker 7 (07:23):
Yeah, I love that question because it's all the above,
really it did. There were a lot of combat stories.
So I had one dear friend actually who had lost
both of his legs and most of the function of
one of his arms, and so obviously that was a
battlefield injury. And then of course beyond the battlefield, there
was the PTSD and the adapting to a life without

(07:46):
your limbs, so that was really an intense story. There
was some sexual harassment which occurred beyond the battlefield, and
also on the battlefield things like addiction. So it was really, yeah,
all of the above, because I do talk about combat

(08:07):
stress quite a bit in it, and just the stress
of military life and the repercussions of constant change and
then your identity being wrapped up in the military. Then
you retire and it's like who am I now? So
there are a lot of concepts that were addressed.

Speaker 8 (08:24):
And you know what I like about this piece is
the beyond factor because we still have to come back
into society and adapt, and you know, that kind of
goes to the piece with the veteran court that we do.
Sometimes veteran comes home and they tend to, you know,
commit crimes, and we're not excusing the behavior, but they
have a municipality which is called the Veterans Court, So

(08:46):
instead of them going to the criminal side of it,
they can focus on the veteran court because they provide
more rehabilitation because we know more about them. But it
is a self reporting thing and it's more like an
honorable situation because if they don't abide by that, well
you know where they're going, right. Oh yeah, it's like

(09:06):
a second chance. Because that to me, that's why I
like that beyond piece.

Speaker 5 (09:10):
Yeah, yes, I love that.

Speaker 7 (09:12):
I actually didn't know that that was in existence. It's
really really important. Yeah, because we have to have compassion,
We have to have understanding for these experiences that change people.
And like you said, it doesn't give people an excuse
to go out and hurt other people, but it does
give us, you know, an understanding and a perspective that says,

(09:33):
how can we help in a way that's effective.

Speaker 1 (09:36):
Right, And that's coming back and you know, your mental
go always play a part in your life, especially coming back.
I'm a Iraqi freedom that you know. I got injured
down there myself, so I understand. I understand what people
go through, especially as far as the PTSD.

Speaker 2 (09:53):
But that was one of the questions that I was
going to ask.

Speaker 1 (09:55):
Did you when you were interviewing the truth, did you
like get some like from Operation Iraqi Freedom all the
way up? Or did you like go back to to
like Vietnam, And did you know did you like interact
with different war veterans?

Speaker 6 (10:12):
I did.

Speaker 7 (10:13):
Yeah, So interestingly, you bring up the Vietnam vet and
I thought I did not have any Vietnam veterans in
the book. But in selling my book, I've had several
come up to me and start to tell me their story,
and some of them tear up. Some of them are
just like, you know, I've sold them at the PX,
you know, the post exchange on base, and a couple

(10:34):
of them just come up. They look at the book,
they give me twenty bucks, they take it, and then
they start telling me their story. And I thought, they
need a book, They need a book dedicated to their stories.
But my book goes back to OIF one, So my
first sergeant was in OIF one, and then it goes
into yeah the second Iraq iteration. No, I'm sorry, No

(10:58):
I do not have the first golf or no, no, no,
he was just in maybe I'm getting this all confused.
It was like two thousand and three.

Speaker 2 (11:06):
Great, Yeah, that was the golf I think that was
what was.

Speaker 1 (11:11):
Yeah, yeah, because remember back in the day with them.

Speaker 8 (11:16):
Vehicles, they wasn't armored then, so they had to be
back in two thousand and three.

Speaker 2 (11:20):
Early Operation Iraqi Freedom, that was IRACTI Freedom.

Speaker 5 (11:25):
Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, I.

Speaker 9 (11:33):
Digress, I know, I know, but yes, it is.

Speaker 7 (11:37):
Early Iraq two thousand and three up through yeah, Afghanistan.

Speaker 5 (11:42):
So I have those two battlefields.

Speaker 1 (11:45):
Yeah, probably probably talked to a lot of people that
was on law based sites with me because that's where
I was when in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Speaker 6 (11:52):
Yeah, of course, but go ahead, sir.

Speaker 3 (11:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 10 (11:56):
So I'm just curious, as you're talking all these vets,
what is the one of the main things that they're
saying is the problem for their reintegration back into society. Hmm.

Speaker 7 (12:10):
There were several things. I think part of it was
just the cultural idea that you had to be tough. Yeah,
so you know that it was somehow weak if you
were struggling. It was wrong to talk about depression anxiety PTSD.
I do think that's getting better, but back then it

(12:31):
was definitely more of an issue, and so that was
really a big barrier that people just thought, well, one
it makes me feel weak, and two it might mean
that I get a med board and I have to,
you know, prematurely get out of the military. Because one
one soldier in particular that I'm thinking about struggled with

(12:52):
suicidal ideation and he really he didn't want to tell anybody.
So you go into your pdha, do you have any
thoughts of harming yourself?

Speaker 6 (13:00):
No?

Speaker 5 (13:00):
Do you have any issues?

Speaker 6 (13:01):
No?

Speaker 7 (13:02):
Like, and so many people said that in the interview.
I just go into my PA and I say no, no, no, no, no,
even though deep within I'm like really struggling.

Speaker 5 (13:10):
So it's yeah, it was that cultural.

Speaker 7 (13:14):
Bias I think of, like, this is what tough looks like,
and if you're not that, then there's something wrong with you.

Speaker 8 (13:20):
So I say, you took a qualitative study, but did
you do any quantitative rates from suicide?

Speaker 9 (13:28):
You know, did you do any any studies like that?

Speaker 8 (13:32):
I personally love qualitative I just want to say, hey,
you know, but yeah, well sometimes we need those stats
because we just need that breakdown, you know, whether it's
per war era, whether it's generational, whether it's suicide rates.

Speaker 9 (13:46):
People still have to be informed in so many fashions.

Speaker 5 (13:50):
That's true. Yeah, I didn't do any of the quantitative data.

Speaker 6 (13:54):
Okay, it is.

Speaker 5 (13:55):
Yeah, I agree with you though.

Speaker 7 (13:56):
It is very important and I think the numbers that
objective data to help people to understand a little bit better.

Speaker 9 (14:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 10 (14:04):
Yeah, I'll tell you what one thing, well two things
really quick about because I was a gunner in the military,
and I completely understand about coming back and have to
be beating on your chest and who hold right.

Speaker 6 (14:16):
But one of the best things that ever happened to.

Speaker 10 (14:18):
Me was to be humble and to get humbled and
to understand that I don't know everything, that I need help,
that I need to reach out, you know, for help
and stuff like that. And then also another thing that
helped me was to understand that, I know a lot
of guys don't understand this, but you know, we have
exit and y chromosomes, male and female chromosomes.

Speaker 6 (14:39):
But one of the problems with males is that we
want to shove away the female side of us, but
we do have it in us, and therefore we need
to you know, come back to the female within us.

Speaker 10 (14:51):
And that's no this or that it is what it
is because scientifically says we have the exit and y chromosomes.
But what we do is we try to put one
way and the other one way, and therefore we don't
understand who we are by doing that.

Speaker 6 (15:04):
We're not even yet.

Speaker 2 (15:05):
I'll go on for that, but.

Speaker 5 (15:09):
I love that though.

Speaker 7 (15:11):
Yeah, the integration piece of not shutting any part of
ourselves out, and I think, yes, I agree, Like a
masculine culture is very much in the military and high
level athletics like these really hard charging environments are very
masculine in nature. It's the doing all the time, it's

(15:31):
the succeeding, and we forget about that feminine of just being.
And that's really kind of the softer side that I
bring into the book is mindfulness and meditation, because it's
all about just being present with who you are, free
of judgment. You know, like I feel like I'm falling apart.
Can I just hold space for this? Can I bring
some compassion to my experience? So I love that you

(15:54):
bring that up, because that's really a big part of
the book was bringing in that softer side.

Speaker 6 (16:02):
Did you think it was?

Speaker 2 (16:03):
Was it difficult?

Speaker 1 (16:05):
Because I remember you was talking about it talking to
the male I must say, male and female soldiers about
sexual harassment.

Speaker 2 (16:14):
Mm hmmm. Was was that was that difficult to do?

Speaker 1 (16:18):
I mean, because I know you probably heard some some
some stories, So was there was that a difficult part
for you?

Speaker 7 (16:25):
You know, I didn't ask about it specifically. It was
more just like what were your challenges in the military,
And there was one woman who brought it up.

Speaker 5 (16:36):
I'm sure it is much more prevalent.

Speaker 7 (16:40):
Yeah, yeah, but in my book there was if I'm
remembering correctly, Yeah, there was just one soldier who really
talked about it more extensively.

Speaker 1 (16:53):
Okay, did you have a lot of them talking to
you about having a hard problem getting the correct rating?

Speaker 7 (17:01):
No? That was interestingly because I think only a couple
have been retired. I had like two first sergeants who
were retired, a lieutenant colonel retired, and then a couple
who had gotten out. But I would say half of
the interviews were still in so they hadn't kind of
addressed that yet.

Speaker 4 (17:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (17:21):
Yes, that could be a whole other book in itself.

Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yeah, you trust me.

Speaker 1 (17:25):
It's a difficult transition and and when you when when
you get ready to do it, if you don't have
all your ducks on the row, it's like it's like
they look at you and say, yeah, I'm gonna get
you a hard time, right, and and it's it's ridiculous.
You know, they got they got all the information that
they need on us already. It's in our DD two fourteen.

(17:45):
So I don't understand why we have to keep on
coming with you telling you everything that's already in my
d D two fourteen. But that's the one thing that
they do. What's the saying, Harry up and wait, yeah,
you know what I'm saying. So that's what that's what
they made us do. That's what they make us do.
What was what was your MOS?

Speaker 6 (18:04):
And what branch?

Speaker 2 (18:04):
Would you say?

Speaker 7 (18:06):
I was in the army as a physician assistant, Okay,
So interestingly, when you talk about, you know, the rating
and everything, I had so many first sergeants, sergeants, major colonels,
lieutenant colonels coming at the very end of their career
wanting to document everything because they didn't have the time

(18:26):
or the permission to do it throughout their career. So
then it was like, I've got to tell you about
my knee injury from twenty years ago. I got to
tell you, And it was just like for me as
a provider. It was overwhelming, and I understood why they
were doing it, you know, because the system didn't support
them throughout the duration of their career to address those things.

Speaker 8 (18:44):
Right, that's the conversation, and no peace we need to
have because that it took me twenty years to get
my disability because we were conditioned don't go to sit
call and you are right, soldiers, straighten it up, you
know whatever.

Speaker 9 (18:59):
So when we get out, which is the beyond piece,
we don't have evidence and the evidence.

Speaker 8 (19:04):
We have to rely on is our buddy system or
or you continuously repeating what you've been through. And that's
not right because a lot of people are suffering and
a lot of people are getting angry. And you know
when I say people, I'm talking about veterans, and you
know it's not cool.

Speaker 1 (19:22):
Yeah, I acre well before before before we let you go,
I told you I couldn't wait to get to this part.
Your second book is about you interviewing the US gymnastics. Yeah,
tell I mean tell us about and I want to
hear about some of the ones that you cause I'm
waiting to hear some names, some of the ones that

(19:42):
you had a chance to sit down.

Speaker 6 (19:43):
And talk to.

Speaker 7 (19:45):
Yeah, So I went back to nineteen eighty four, those
Olympic Games, Tracy Tollivera and Michelle de Sair. So Michelle
Deucair was my coach. And then there was actually a
very bittersweet story about and alternate who made the team
but then was cut from the team. So I included
her in that a couple of my idols, Kim's Mescal

(20:07):
and Betty Okino. So these are people from that, you know,
generations back. I didn't really interview anybody who was more recent.
That's maybe going to be my next book. And then
I told my own story because I was the alternate
in at the nineteen ninety six Olympics and it was
just a very bitter sweet, somewhat political situation. I mean,

(20:30):
the team obviously was amazing because they went on to
win gold, but I was that eighth spot that had
to sit back and like watch it all in very
bittersweet fashion. So I tell my story and then some
of the more recent men like John Roethlisberger, John McCready
just in spring, I didn't get like the Simone Biles

(20:51):
and all of those, they're still kind of in it.

Speaker 5 (20:53):
So I wanted to get people who had retired.

Speaker 6 (20:56):
Okay, on the list though, right.

Speaker 7 (20:59):
I would love to Yes, I would love to do
them once they're done with gymnastics.

Speaker 1 (21:03):
Okay, okay, So tell us tell us a little bit
about you know where you're at now and what you
got coming up besides your book and everything, and how
we can get in touch with you and and and
I'm gonna start right now because I want to order
a book.

Speaker 5 (21:16):
I'll do too an autograph copy, Okay, yes, I will.
I will happily send you an autograph copy.

Speaker 2 (21:24):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (21:24):
Well, then I guess what I what I'll need is
do you got cash app? Do do you have cash APP?

Speaker 5 (21:31):
I don't, And then.

Speaker 2 (21:34):
I don't have them. Well, I gotta find a way
to get you the.

Speaker 9 (21:37):
Money for you to mail my money.

Speaker 8 (21:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (21:40):
Yeah, we wena need you to tell us how to
get in touch.

Speaker 9 (21:44):
I can't get all these cash ap venmos.

Speaker 6 (21:48):
Send me the money okay, how okay?

Speaker 2 (21:53):
How much?

Speaker 9 (21:57):
Yeah?

Speaker 7 (21:57):
So, currently, I I've moved away from conventional medicine and
I have my own holistic wellness and performance business called
fit into It. So I offer these holistic wellness and
performance tools to athletes military service population, so that actually

(22:18):
includes military spouses because they get lost in the shuffle sometimes.
And when I say military population, I'm talking active duty
veteran and spouses.

Speaker 5 (22:31):
Basically, you know, the high achiever.

Speaker 7 (22:33):
So I support the high achiever in helping them to
reach their potential and their performance arena without sacrificing their
health and well being.

Speaker 6 (22:42):
Okay, I can tell you, sorry, I'd tell you one day.

Speaker 10 (22:46):
I've done sound bowls in the Tibetan bulls and all that,
and I can guarantee yeah, my therapist, psychiatist or whatever,
she actually recommended me to do that because my nervous
system was just all over the place and with the
vibrations and all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 6 (23:02):
I mean, you can really, you can really feel.

Speaker 10 (23:05):
Yeah, I swear about it. As a matter of fact,
I still go. It's been going on about a year
and a half now.

Speaker 5 (23:11):
Wow, I love that.

Speaker 1 (23:13):
Okay, Okay, So give us your do you have a website,
Give us your website information and how to contact.

Speaker 2 (23:22):
You if we want to get you back on again.

Speaker 1 (23:24):
And just yeah, talk to the talk to the people
and let them know how to get your books.

Speaker 2 (23:28):
First of all.

Speaker 7 (23:30):
Okay, So the books Beyond the Battlefield is already on
Amazon in ebook and paperback, so that's the easiest way
to get it. They can also email me at Teresa
t h E R E s A at fit f

(23:51):
I T dash I N t U I T dot com.
So that's Teresa at fitdash into it dot com and
I would be happy to send a sign copy. My
website is www dot fit dash.

Speaker 5 (24:08):
Into it dot O r G.

Speaker 7 (24:11):
And then Beyond the Chalk Box is not out yet,
so I'm offering some sneak peaks because I'm hoping it'll
be out in a couple months.

Speaker 2 (24:22):
Okay, what else do we need?

Speaker 9 (24:28):
I'm going to This is a Haiku hour, and I
want to honor you by saying to haikus. Okay, you
know when we was in school, they skip past it.
But it's all about syllables.

Speaker 8 (24:39):
Okay, Mindfulness, meditate, attitude of gratitude, holistic approach.

Speaker 5 (24:48):
Oh I love it.

Speaker 8 (24:51):
Mindfulness, meditate, attitude of gratitude, holistic approach.

Speaker 9 (25:00):
Weren't a bronze medalist? Before I answered, were you a
bronze medalist?

Speaker 7 (25:05):
Did you win the brons I was a bronze medalist
at the nineteen ninety five World Championships.

Speaker 8 (25:11):
Okay, good, I just want to make sure I have
my mind I stept right, Okay, I don't want to
mispote myself. Gymnastics Medalist, Bronze Mental Health Professional Military Vet.
Gymnastic Medalist, Bronze Mental Health Professional Military Vet.

Speaker 2 (25:33):
Thanks, thank you.

Speaker 1 (25:35):
Before before we let you go, because we go give
him the money and he goes VIMO to you. So
I got you, I got you your information on Facebook.
I and can just send you my address and you
can send me mind. So how much all the books?

Speaker 5 (25:50):
How much are there twenty twenty dollars?

Speaker 2 (25:52):
Okay? Yeah, because he's going to we need your VIMO information.

Speaker 5 (25:57):
Okay, do you want me to give it to you?

Speaker 2 (26:01):
Yeah, because we have to get it. Give it to
him so he can send you the money.

Speaker 8 (26:06):
Okay, Wena, you couldn't just text her privately on Facebook?

Speaker 9 (26:12):
Or do you want to tell the world I mean hesitant,
you know what?

Speaker 6 (26:15):
Yeah? Yeah, why don't you just text me that information?
I'll give it to him.

Speaker 5 (26:19):
Okay.

Speaker 8 (26:21):
I thought when you said you were doing it on
the base and you was like soldiers was just walking
up to me giving me twenty and my thought was,
I don't know, I would have been like he spent
in my head but if you got a twenty like,
that's what I was thinking.

Speaker 5 (26:34):
I was like, oh my god, I did have signs up.

Speaker 9 (26:39):
I was like, they were just giving me twenties.

Speaker 1 (26:41):
I was like, all right, yeah, so you send me
that information. I'll be sure to get him and he's
going to send you that. Now, send you my address.
You could just mail me my order.

Speaker 9 (26:50):
You can mail my stuff to him too, you know.

Speaker 5 (26:52):
Okay, I don't know.

Speaker 2 (26:53):
I might resell yours.

Speaker 6 (26:55):
Just don't have it.

Speaker 9 (26:57):
It's gonna have my name.

Speaker 6 (26:59):
I'll find another vallery. Your name, Valerie.

Speaker 2 (27:03):
Ain't I'm a joke.

Speaker 1 (27:05):
It was. It was a pleasure having you on dere Yes,
I'm looking boy with reading your book and by all means,
tune in check out the show, and wow, thank you
so very much for coming in.

Speaker 5 (27:22):
Thank you so much, love, thank you so much.

Speaker 6 (27:25):
All right, thank you, dear.

Speaker 2 (27:26):
You have a blessed need.

Speaker 5 (27:28):
Okay, you too should just sign off.

Speaker 4 (27:30):
Yeah all right, I'm gonna have to do that.

Speaker 3 (27:35):
That is all right, fit into it.

Speaker 2 (27:37):
Yeah, that's all.

Speaker 8 (27:38):
Right, okay, let me get you so once again, ladies
and gentlemen, I definitely want to welcome you all to
the High Coup Hour.

Speaker 6 (27:47):
Yeah, and we.

Speaker 9 (27:48):
Definitely want to thank miss Teresa. Give her a hand
and clapp yes.

Speaker 2 (27:51):
Yes, yes, thank you so much for coming in time
to get to the button.

Speaker 9 (27:58):
Dear for the second half for the show, we have
a wonderful person.

Speaker 8 (28:02):
I toured with him. Man, he's awesome. He has a
lot to talk about. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up
for Leon. Alexander's pleasure to have you.

Speaker 1 (28:15):
And I'm gonna call you starve and go. I know
you probably was an n C and you worked for
a living, but you what you can tell everybody at
this table is military.

Speaker 6 (28:30):
You got it all.

Speaker 9 (28:31):
It is all right, it is so Leon, tell us
a little about yourself.

Speaker 10 (28:36):
So I'm ex military. I ended up retiring around twenty eleven.
As you said, I have my service dog here.

Speaker 9 (28:43):
You gotta talk about the dog.

Speaker 10 (28:45):
I'll definitely talk about my service dog. I After I retired,
I ended up going government contracting for a.

Speaker 6 (28:54):
Couple of years in the Bulking area.

Speaker 10 (28:57):
I did some work that I can't really speak about
the air, and then whenever I came back, I pretty
much got settled in I.

Speaker 6 (29:06):
I was suffering with PTSD. I was extremely suicidal. I
I'm sorry.

Speaker 10 (29:13):
Oh yeah, heard that whenever I got back, I was
extremely suicidal and I didn't really know what to do.

Speaker 6 (29:23):
I thought I had everything under control. I I'll tell
you one of the times that you know that that
I knew that it was bad was I'm not going
to say any names, but.

Speaker 10 (29:36):
You know, I thanks it was Valentine's Day or whatever,
and I had taken some pills or whatever, and somebody
that I was with, living with or whatever. You know,
they had enough of my PTSD right, and they had
somebody to protect at the time. And I don't blame
them for what I'm about to say. I would have

(29:56):
done the same thing. They set me on the front porch,
turned the light on, called it and a lands and
ambulance came, and I went to the amlince going house
and they told me when they got there, they aid
the doctor even told me that they couldn't even find
a heartbeat on me.

Speaker 5 (30:08):
You know.

Speaker 10 (30:08):
So after that, like I said, I ended up going.
I ended up contracting, you know. And but then all
I was doing is running away from my problems. Yeah,
like she was saying, you know, I was so in
tune to the what do you call that, the male
part of me, you know, being who being a gunner

(30:29):
and everything I've done throughout my life, you know what
I'm saying. And I didn't and and you know, with
society out here, they told me that you can't be
on that other side is as in, you can't be
what do you call that sensitive to things?

Speaker 2 (30:42):
Right?

Speaker 6 (30:43):
So here I am. I'm in I'm in Kosovo. Now
I'm doing my thing over there, you know, living life.

Speaker 10 (30:49):
And they ended up having me on a suicide watch
when I was over there in the Coastovo. Matter of fact,
one of the reasons why I have tattoos on my
wrist is because I was cutting myself. And like I said,
I'm not ashamed for my story because it needs to
be out right. So yeah, so then I come back now,
mind you everything I said, my head's not right. And

(31:11):
then when I get back here, then I find out
that my uncle, the person that I looked up to
as my dad, right, he's a vet He.

Speaker 6 (31:19):
Actually was a Vietnam what do you call that? Tunnel rat?

Speaker 10 (31:24):
And yeah, so you know he had some story. So
me and him, we really bonded, you know, we really
had something close to bond with.

Speaker 6 (31:30):
But then when I come back, he's dying from leukemia.

Speaker 10 (31:36):
So because I got whatever codependency, you know, And I'll
talk about that a little bit later. I stayed, I
gave up my contracting, and I took care of him.
Now Here, I am mentally disturbed, not doing right, mind you.
I'm married, and I'm not with my family because my
PTSD and stuff like this. And now I'm taking care
of my uncle and I'm gonna watch my uncle die. Yeah,

(31:58):
and I'm living with him. Mine's not right. My finances
are messed because my head's not right. And again I
don't mind telling this story. You know, everything was everything
was Jack.

Speaker 6 (32:11):
I couldn't see. I couldn't even see straight, you know
what I'm saying.

Speaker 10 (32:14):
And the thing is, so then he died, right, And
then I was just kind of like floating around just
trying to find myself there for a while, and again
I was suicidal. I ended up getting uh no, this
is actually before I got Bob. So then the last
suicide attempt that I tried was a couple of years ago,

(32:34):
and I'll never forget it.

Speaker 6 (32:37):
So my grandma, my grandpa, and my grandma my uncle
died right, and they were the closest thing to me. Okay,
mind you I'm a gunner. I know about guns.

Speaker 10 (32:46):
It's so funny because this is how much of a
gunner I am that when I had to carry, when
I had my concealed carry, I carried the forty five
with the rip bullets, and I got mad because I
couldn't conceal my forty five.

Speaker 6 (32:58):
You see what I'm saying with my head, Well, you
sit like, run up on me. I guarant run upon me.

Speaker 10 (33:03):
I got a forty five and I could not handle
a nine because a nine seemed too small for me,
you know what I'm saying. And I just wanted somebody
to run up on me like that, right, But why yeah, Okay,
now we'll get into this.

Speaker 6 (33:16):
So that's what I so knowing that. And it was
a Ruber.

Speaker 10 (33:21):
It was a Ruger Americana, Okay, had it cocked sitting
on the back porch of my ex girlfriend's house she
had left or whatever.

Speaker 6 (33:29):
Right, it was dark, it was a car port sitting there,
and and finger I was fingerfucking the trigger. If anybody
doesn't know what that means is, I apologize.

Speaker 10 (33:42):
But what that means is when you when you have
the you know, and you're just trying to find out
what that pound for pressure is right, You're just trying
to find it now. And I know what my give
is because I know, my baby, you give what I'm saying.
And I kept playing with it, and I kept playing
with it. The first time I looked down and write
nothing nothing, Nothing is just black. Now me being a
gunner and some of the things I did, people understand

(34:03):
that there's different colors of darkness, there's different colors of night.
So when I'm looking so that's I'll tell you. Listen,
I'm good at what I do because I got the
Audie Murphy Award. Even so, this is what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (34:14):
Right.

Speaker 10 (34:14):
So I'm looking down here, and I understand what the
barrel is, right, and I'm seeing nothing but the darkness
of the black right outside of the round, the silver
and all this kind of stuff. And this time I
was gonna do it. I was done done. I knew
what the palm pressure was, finger fucking it, and I
looked through that trigger. I looked at that barrel and
I saw two orbs. I swear to God, as I'm

(34:35):
sitting here right now, I saw two orbs. And the
first thing that came to my head was my uncle
and my Grandma.

Speaker 4 (34:41):
Wow, you just supposed to be here longer.

Speaker 6 (34:45):
Now I'll put the gun down.

Speaker 4 (34:46):
Yep.

Speaker 6 (34:47):
Yeah, I sold my guns after that.

Speaker 10 (34:50):
But now what I'm forgot to tell y'all is this
whole time, I'm still in and out through therapy. Okay,
but it's hidden, miss, but I'm taking it serious. But
it's hiden miss right right right, And then that happens,
and then I get Bob, and then things get really
really much better for me.

Speaker 9 (35:05):
Bob how I introduced us to Bob? Tell us the
story of Bob.

Speaker 10 (35:08):
Yes, so I get Bob from got your six support
dogs out of Merryville.

Speaker 6 (35:13):
And one of the reasons why I have Bob is
to tell you about it.

Speaker 10 (35:20):
My PTS was so bad that my daughter we were
sleeping separate bedrooms you know from my ex wife, and
we had the spare bedroom and when she was sleep,
she would have to put pillows between us, right. And
the reason why I tell you, I know I'm getting
in Bob, But what I'm saying is like I woke
up one day and I was over my daughter, thank God,
there was pillows there, and I had my hands on
the side of her because of my PTSD, and I

(35:40):
thought I was in some combatives type stuff. Okay, that's
how bad my PTSD is. But with him, he gets
me up out of my night terrors. I have no
more night terres. I have seizures. He helps me with
my seizures. He can tell me when to what do
you call that? Take my medicine, stuff like that. He's

(36:00):
also trained to pick keys up versus like a remote
control and all that kind of stuff for yes, So
that's pretty much what he does. And then also you know,
he helps me with crying and when I'm in lines
and stuff like that.

Speaker 9 (36:14):
How long have you had Bob.

Speaker 10 (36:15):
I've had Bob, I think, I said, I think I
had him since twenty eighteen, I believe.

Speaker 6 (36:20):
Okay, yeah, and then since that time.

Speaker 10 (36:23):
We go into schools and teach kids about invisible scars
and bullying, bullying and little things like that.

Speaker 8 (36:33):
And I definitely want to bring awareness to the community
as a whole. If you don't understand and know veterans,
if you're in a relationship with a veteran post secondary,
like you said, you had your wife, so they were
affected by your mental illness on a secondary level, but
it could have drove them just as insane as the
next person. So I just want to command you for

(36:54):
reaching out going through the programs.

Speaker 9 (36:56):
I got your six.

Speaker 8 (36:57):
You know, we have to educate the public about suicideal awareness.
That's why we do the buddy check in. Hey, battle,
how you doing? Are you okay? You know every day
on Facebook, I cannot make this up. Someone is on
the verge of committing suicide. They are on the verge
of losing it. And one thing, I'm actually shocked that
you didn't mention because when the average person try to

(37:20):
commit suicide, they have a.

Speaker 9 (37:21):
Variable kind of cloud in their judgment.

Speaker 8 (37:24):
You know, I eat alcohol, whatever that substance is, popping
pills or whatever this.

Speaker 9 (37:30):
Is before they do the act.

Speaker 8 (37:31):
Therefore, when they are deceased, you know, they do the
toxicology and you know they have that stuff in them.
Not to get too deep into what was that. Did
you have a variable intertwine it or were you sober
and you knew it?

Speaker 10 (37:49):
I was hurting, yeah, anybody can test for me, bars,
but I didn't really drink. Yeah, I smoke, yeah, and
that's it. A matter of fact, I didn't even drink anymore.
I'm gonna tell y'all bad. I was hurting, right, during
that time, I just needed to feel something. I took
an air gun and shot myself through the hand twice
just so I can feel something.

Speaker 9 (38:10):
Is that that mark?

Speaker 10 (38:13):
See, just so I can see, just so I can
feel something. So and that's and I'm glad you brought
that up. You don't necessarily have to be on something.
The the pain is pain enough sometimes and we just
and a lot of that is a lot of suicide
attempts are accidental and they're just cry out for helps.

Speaker 9 (38:36):
So you admit about your suicidal attempts and ideology in
all that, would you say that contribute to you possibly
losing your family, not really the suicide, but the mental
health and pain.

Speaker 10 (38:50):
No, so what lost my And I understand what you're saying,
but even up to now, I'm single, and that falls
for every female that I've had in between there, right,
because that would be the same concept. The thing is
and all men listen to me and is female. But
I'm really talking to men on this one. Okay, your

(39:10):
inner child, am I look at the camera, I'm talking
to you. This is kind of from me if you
move my background with but it's your inner child.

Speaker 6 (39:18):
That is why I don't my family did it woo woo.
You get what I'm saying. And until I understood that
it was my inner child that I needed.

Speaker 2 (39:26):
Right.

Speaker 10 (39:26):
So, matter of fact, I've been going to therapy okay
for the last four years straight, have not missed a day,
and I go twice a day, and I go twice
a week. You can verify it, right, I don't listen.
But you know what, this whole time that we're in there,
I rarely talk about the military. I talk about the
inner child stuff. Why because the military was only the
icing on the cake. Because what a military, even if

(39:48):
it's twenty years, the whole twenty years, you're not doing
something that is scarring your life, right, But we still
have to deal with these inner childs. We still have to,
you know, confront ourselves with what our parents did, what
our parents didn't do.

Speaker 6 (40:00):
The lack of it, and all that kind of stuff.
And then once we.

Speaker 10 (40:03):
Get that, then we can understand that like that, like that,
we can be that, we can be honest with ourselves.

Speaker 6 (40:11):
And then once you be honest with yourself, then that's
when we start healing. No, I agree with you.

Speaker 9 (40:16):
You know, we grow up, we are adults by age.
We're gonna stay by age.

Speaker 3 (40:20):
Not by mind. And then you know, hey, why do you.

Speaker 9 (40:23):
Act the way you act or why do you treat
women or men the way you do?

Speaker 8 (40:27):
It goes back to the childhood. What happened in your childhood?
What was those traumas? And we don't address it, We
just grow up.

Speaker 10 (40:34):
Yeah, And it's so funny because like half of our
trauma is the reason why we end up in the military.

Speaker 6 (40:39):
In the first place.

Speaker 10 (40:40):
Yeah, or to get away, you know what I'm saying,
or something or something to that effect. Now here's another thing,
guys that I'm talking to you all about, like call.

Speaker 6 (40:50):
Them out and you know, and and and I go
when I go into school and stuff like this.

Speaker 10 (40:55):
All the kids they so I do an experiment, right,
and I'm gonna tell you how hate is or and
hate and not that mal and that I gotta be
you know what I'm saying, top dog and all this
kind of stuff, how bad it is ingrained in our society.

Speaker 6 (41:08):
So I go in to school and I'll tell the
kids my story whatever. And then I'll say, hey, who
wants to watch the dog? You know, watch him work
for me?

Speaker 10 (41:15):
Okay, And I'll ask these kids, these are young kids
and I'll say, Hey, who wants to see me sad?
Or who wants to see me mad? Okay, all the
kids want to see me mad. They want to see
me mad and see how he interacts with me being mad.
Not I have not failed not tell the teachers this.
They need to look at these things. Why is it
that they want to default that they want to see
me mad? Because it's because this is what they're used to.

(41:39):
So instead I show them what's.

Speaker 6 (41:41):
Sad is and I tell them.

Speaker 10 (41:45):
They want to do it. So why aren't you suppressing
things that are natural for us to do?

Speaker 6 (41:52):
Cry? Let it out? It is natural. You don't see people.
I can't sneeze, I can't cough.

Speaker 10 (41:59):
Yeah, I don't understand it. I do understand it, And
trust me, it's a whole nother store show.

Speaker 9 (42:05):
That's what the society portrusted.

Speaker 1 (42:10):
No, he had he had said something that that I
wanted to touch base on and then go back to
the to the guns because it's not it's not one
that they have that I can't don't know about, you know,
because I was in.

Speaker 2 (42:21):
The infantry and I fired every damn gun that they
got out. So do our own one? Yeah? Do I
touch it? No, did I want to conceal carry?

Speaker 1 (42:33):
No, no, say, because I got I got a theory
about about guns, and it was talked to me a
long time ago by another veteran. If you touch it,
somebody shouldn't be anymore.

Speaker 6 (42:46):
I like that.

Speaker 2 (42:47):
You understand what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (42:48):
If you if you pull your gun out, somebody shouldn't
be here no more other than that your hands shouldn't.

Speaker 2 (42:54):
Be on it unless you're in the house cleaning it.
But see, it's it's the truth. That's what why, that's
why I have I don't.

Speaker 1 (43:03):
I'm not gonna say I don't like guns, you know,
but I understand what they do and what they were
created to do, you know. And and I'm at the
point now that I know that if I pick one up,
like I said, somebody ain't gonna be here no more. Okay,
I don't.

Speaker 2 (43:16):
I don't.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
I don't play with them. I don't threaten people with them,
you know, because a gun don't make you feel no
bigger than you already are.

Speaker 6 (43:24):
You know.

Speaker 1 (43:24):
So if you if you pull a gun out and
you open your mouth to say something to me, nine
times out of ten, I'm gonna take your gun from you.

Speaker 2 (43:34):
See because if you.

Speaker 1 (43:35):
Pull your gun out, don't pull your gun out and
talk to me. Yeah, okay, don't threaten me with your
gun because while your mouth moving, so am I.

Speaker 2 (43:44):
Okay? So that was another thing that was talked to
me via vet.

Speaker 1 (43:48):
You know, if you pull it out, don't you You
shouldn't be talking to nobody you pull your gun out.
You know, if somebody pull a gun out on you
and think they they got time to have a conversation
with you, they didn't want to shoot you in the
first place.

Speaker 10 (44:00):
And to be honest with you, have these cats out here,
these little ThunderCats that I call them, man, they is
they're ambushooting.

Speaker 6 (44:06):
Yeah, you know, to get in all that stuff. Man,
you know, it's just it's sad.

Speaker 2 (44:10):
Man.

Speaker 6 (44:10):
We just say, y'all stop it. Man, what's the point
of it? You know what I'm saying? Like you said.
And here's the thing about about the gun.

Speaker 10 (44:18):
Like, so I gave I gave away all my guns
and stuff, and then my thing was, Okay, as soon
as I get rid of my guns, guess.

Speaker 6 (44:24):
What I'm gonna need one?

Speaker 2 (44:25):
Yeah?

Speaker 6 (44:26):
Right, So what did I do? I started carrying a knife.

Speaker 10 (44:30):
Okay, legit, I'm skilled knife fighter also, okay, of course,
So I started carrying a knife and then it was
nothing happened. Then it was, oh well, now I need
to carry a knife when I carry walk my dog
just in case another dog attacked me and my fucking like,
what am I doing? And now I don't carry nothing.
But and nothing's never happened, never been in a situation

(44:52):
to have nothing. But you can see the progress of
how you have to read? Why are your brain?

Speaker 6 (44:57):
You have to you have to your brain. But I'm
living proof that. Look, I gave them all of up
and I'm still here sitting here talking to you right now.

Speaker 2 (45:04):
Yeah yeah, yeah, I got rid of all the minds too.

Speaker 10 (45:08):
But I want to talk about one thing really seriously.
And I apologize y'all, but I need to get back
to this really quick. People don't want to do the
hard thing, and people don't want to sacrifice. Oh yeah see,
And but this is what happen is right, People they
go through things in their life. Okay, we all have
trauma and all that kind of stuff in our life. Okay,

(45:28):
you don't have no choice but to make it through
that trauma. Now, you didn't go out there and search
for that trauma you didn't go out there and seek
that trauma. It might be fair or unfair, unjust, that's irrelevant.
The thing is it's life and you had to go
through it.

Speaker 6 (45:42):
Okay.

Speaker 10 (45:42):
So people go through it, and then after they get
through the other tide, and then they think that they
actually did something hard. They sacrifice because something came.

Speaker 6 (45:50):
Okay.

Speaker 10 (45:50):
Sacrifice is willing to give something up. You don't have
no other choice except for either kill yourself or go
through it.

Speaker 5 (45:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 10 (45:55):
And the thing that the reason why they survived is
because of time. People don't understand time is what makes
people survive.

Speaker 6 (46:01):
Okay.

Speaker 10 (46:01):
Time is beautiful because you go through something time you're
over it. Look you laugh and all this kind of stuff.
But the thing is, one good thing about the military
is basic training. Do everything else basic, not even ai
T basic training. There were so many times that I
wanted to give up. There were so many times I
wanted to do this and this, But the sacrifice was beautiful.
So I bring that out here, right, me sacrifice and

(46:24):
not having a and see this is why I'm talking
about my sacrifice. I'm gonna tell you about my sacrifice,
right And I knew that was mentally disturbed Okay, I've
got three kids, and when I say mentally disturbed, I'm
talking about my inner child stuff right that. And my
psychiatry has even told me this one time. Now listen
to this, people, I have PTSD. My daughter called me
and she said that she had something going on in school,

(46:45):
and I told her how to react the way I
would react. Right, guess, guess guess one own psychiatrist told me.
She goes, don't you realize that you're teaching your daughter
how to have PTSD?

Speaker 6 (46:57):
God damn, so and so.

Speaker 10 (47:01):
So what I'm saying is like like like so, so,
what I knew is I couldn't be fully in their lives.
And that was my sacrifice because I didn't want my
children to have all these issues. But I stayed a distance,
and as they're coming and now I'm trying to regain
friendship with.

Speaker 6 (47:16):
Them, I'd rather sacrifice.

Speaker 10 (47:18):
Okay, again, me working on myself and then coming back
as an older person trying to regain a relationship with
my children, versus right them going through counseling talking about
my God, my dad fucked me up, versus well, my dad.

Speaker 6 (47:31):
Just wasn't fully there.

Speaker 10 (47:33):
And like I told my daughter, she's allowed to have
daddy problems, but she can't have daddy issues because I'm there.
We got to talk to our kids. I'm sorry people, man,
I just get this just I mean, this stuff is important,
like we just people need to start sacrificing. People need
to start doing the hard things for their family. You
need to start going to counseling.

Speaker 8 (47:56):
It's just that's why we're here, man, to educate, to enlighten,
to open that door to resources.

Speaker 9 (48:03):
And at the end of the day, all we can
do is lead that horse to the water.

Speaker 10 (48:06):
And I'll tell you another thing, man, And I'm looking
time and all that kind of stuff, but I'm gonna
tell you another thing that kind of gets me right
is how they're affecting our children. Okay, now let's talk
about this. Let's talk about kid let's talk about kids shows.
Back in the day, what'd you have? You had a
full house, you had saved by the bel you had
what do you call that fresh prince of bell layer.
You had all this stuff, right, But the one common

(48:26):
theme to all those shows is two things. Either the
scenery was either at school or at home, which meant
those are controlled environments. Right with an overseer, a parent,
a teacher, or something right with rules and guidance. You
look at a TV show now that's got guarante towards
kids in the same attitude. Man, those kids you watched

(48:47):
the first episode and you'll fuck around forget that you're
even a kid's show. They're dressing like this. They're not
even at the school, no more driving around the cars.
They're in clubs and this and this, and then every
once in a while they'll come back to the school
they have parents come in there.

Speaker 6 (49:01):
This stuff is all by design. People.

Speaker 9 (49:03):
Yeah, the parents don't know what's going on. Everyone's lost
in the sauce.

Speaker 11 (49:07):
Oh yeah, oh yeah, just parents, man, it's you know,
come on, parents, man, it's up to us, it really is.

Speaker 6 (49:17):
I mean, I can't stress this enough. It's you know.
And my thing is I like to teach the kids.

Speaker 10 (49:24):
Yeah, because I feel that parents at this point of life,
they don't have the smarts or the intelligence enough to change.
So therefore I believe if I teach the elder and
if I teach the children, the in between will automatically change.
Because I don't know what's going on parents nowadays.

Speaker 8 (49:43):
And I was gonna say, what is your target audience?
When it comes to children, because we have to speak
a language in which they understand.

Speaker 10 (49:50):
So I'm gonna tell y'all like this, there's two schools
that I went to, or two different schools that I
went to, and one of them school was elementary school.
I do my thing and I'm talking about and I'm
talking about this is like a third or fourth grade class.
Hear me again, third or fourth grade class, right, And
I'm doing my thing, so you know, I tell her
my speeches towards how you know what class and stuff
like this. And then I was getting putting Bob in

(50:12):
the car and the teacher calls me. She goes, hey,
can you come back and talk to one of the students,
because you know.

Speaker 6 (50:18):
The students wanted to talk to me.

Speaker 10 (50:19):
And I'm like, hey, I don't do one on ones, right,
but what's going on? Make along story short? The teacher said,
Now the kid came up third fourth grade class, right. However,
young it is that now I know why my dad
beats me, and now I know why my sister cuts
her went to a high school, right, And then kid
called me out talking about the only time I get
some peace is when I'm riding a bus because even

(50:39):
when I come up at school, I have to be
at school and then there's no parenting at home and
the only time they get some piece is the bus ride.

Speaker 6 (50:45):
Wow.

Speaker 10 (50:46):
I had a kid coming with me in junior or
high called me out in the classroom, right just right
outside of the classroom, and he's talking to me how
he just got off suicide watch in a mental institution.

Speaker 6 (50:55):
And this is a kid in junior high just blending
in with the rest of the goods.

Speaker 2 (50:59):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (51:00):
Yeah, So when you when you was going through your well,
not going through because we're all still going through.

Speaker 2 (51:06):
It just not something that you get rid of.

Speaker 1 (51:10):
And I talked to a lot of people about this
because I had to tell them they keep this shit.
What was the what was the drugs that they tried
to tried to.

Speaker 2 (51:17):
Throw on you?

Speaker 3 (51:19):
Man?

Speaker 6 (51:19):
Look and my boy could countest to this.

Speaker 10 (51:23):
There was one time that I was taking thirteen This
is a VA man, If this was a censor. At
one time, I was saying.

Speaker 2 (51:31):
I win that censory, go for it that fucking VA. Man.
There you go. We are actually fucked the v right right.

Speaker 6 (51:38):
They had me on thirteen different pills. So check this out.

Speaker 10 (51:41):
Peak game since two thousand and eight. I've had seventeen
different surgeries. Okay, seventeen different surgery. I had to rewalk.

Speaker 6 (51:48):
I had to learn how to re walk twice. Wow, twice,
I had to learn how to rewalk. They had me
on so many pills. One day I drove, I woke
up sometimes driving on the highway. I didn't even know
where I was. I was pills uppers, downers, and they
ain't even talking.

Speaker 10 (52:02):
About the hot the colt on and cold on, all
the kind of stuff that they was having. I was
pill shopping at one point in time.

Speaker 6 (52:09):
I ain't gonna lie.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
I know, I shop it.

Speaker 6 (52:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 10 (52:16):
As a matter of fact, they real quick. They try
to screw me so bad, right. I walked in there
and I told him I couldn't do it no more.
I rather smoke weed. I wasn't even smoking weed or drinking,
just popping pills at the time.

Speaker 1 (52:26):
Do you know they tried to take my fucking up
beyond listen, let me tell you the same thing that
this brother just sat up here and told me. I
walked in there and told my psychiatrist the same thing.
I said, you might as well put this down on paper.
I ain't taking that ship no more. I'm gonna go
home and smoke me a joint and I'm gonna be fine.

Speaker 2 (52:49):
And I went up there.

Speaker 1 (52:50):
I went up there and told his told his doctor
was the funniest thing. He said, we can't give you
your pain pills anymore because we found th h C
and your system. I looked that man said, I don't
work for you. Man, sain't no goddamn job. I don't worry,
I say, but you know what you can do. You
can take them paying pills and stick them up your ass,
you know. And I made I made them look stupid.

Speaker 2 (53:10):
I say, now.

Speaker 1 (53:10):
I looked down at the rector. I said, one of
the last time I came down there and asked for
a refill for this. He said, it's been about eight months.
I said, I rest my case. I went home the
next week. My pills was in the middle. Don't play
with me, man, I'm not I'm not gonna sit up
here and argue with you about what I can and
can't put in my body. But you can't tell me
you can't give me my pain pills because I got
THC in my system.

Speaker 2 (53:29):
I don't work for you. This ain't no job.

Speaker 9 (53:32):
That's a bias statement.

Speaker 10 (53:33):
Anyway, Yeah, come on now, so you know with all
those pills, seriously, my papers right now, they have that
they wanted.

Speaker 2 (53:42):
To put me on.

Speaker 6 (53:43):
At one point, yeah, I had I had to.

Speaker 1 (53:48):
I had to stop. I had to stop taking. I
messed around and took I think they was called sira quil. Yeah, yeah,
and I and I messed around and took two of them.
I swept for god. I was up for two days.
I was up for two to two days. It was
the funniest thing that my cousin cave it and said,
you all right cool? I said, hell, no, ain't all right.
I've watched every damn episode of the Power Range.

Speaker 6 (54:11):
I came fu.

Speaker 3 (54:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (54:17):
And so after after that shit, after that.

Speaker 1 (54:19):
Happened to me with them pills, I went, I told
that man, man, look it, don't even send those in
the mail to me no more. I said, I'm not
gonna be taking that. Y'all have me sitting up watching
the Power Rangers. And then if I ain't watching the
Power Rangers, I'm so damn drugged up and dozed off
that I can barely move, you know. So I told him,
I said, you know what, I got the perfect idea
of what I need to be doing. And I went

(54:40):
and bought me I ounce a weed and went on.

Speaker 2 (54:43):
And and on that note.

Speaker 1 (54:47):
Exactly what I did, clapped and walked out.

Speaker 2 (54:50):
The dub Hey.

Speaker 10 (54:51):
But before we wrap up, though, I would like to
because we're been talking about I ain't gonna say negative stuff,
but what we've been talking to heavy stuff. But I
would like to leave at least with some techniques that
may help people. One one one one that I've really
found that helps me is listening to like if you
have series XM or anything like that, listening to comedy okay,

(55:15):
but there's a catch with that because you gotta watch
what sect to watch that dark comedy. Yes, And the
reason why is one thing I've learned is like, let's
say I'm pissed off or sad or whatever, and I'm
and I'm listening to my music. Right, music is like
a wave. It might take you up one time and
take you down. Now, three minutes is a long time,
and you forget what state of mind you're in. So

(55:37):
you get these these highs and lows, these elevations of
highs and lows, like I'm gonna kill Motherfucker's ask missing motherfucker?

Speaker 6 (55:44):
You know, what I'm saying, because in three minutes is
a long time. And then if you but if you but.

Speaker 10 (55:53):
If you listen to comedy, then you go and there's
so much research out there, right, and then there's like
there's like the Pablo technique.

Speaker 6 (56:01):
You know, it's like.

Speaker 10 (56:02):
There, you know, you take five three to one techniques
to to relax and you look around and see something
and then you know there's just some Basically, what I'm
saying is go out there and google.

Speaker 6 (56:14):
There's a bunch of techniques out there that you can
definitely use.

Speaker 8 (56:17):
And we definitely do breathe the exercise as well after
your water therapy. Uh, to have a support system, guys.

Speaker 2 (56:24):
Smoke a blunt, I'm sorry, but it's very important.

Speaker 1 (56:30):
Right, I'm gonna buy him a tree, ladies, and just
planning in my backyard tree.

Speaker 9 (56:38):
I'm gonna hook him up.

Speaker 2 (56:38):
And we can tell she ain't a smoker. She goes
about buying a tree, we.

Speaker 4 (56:45):
Care.

Speaker 9 (56:45):
I want to buy a tree what I'm talking about.
But but you know, Leon, you know, I've known you
over the years. I've seen your highs and lows.

Speaker 8 (56:58):
I've seen your passion, and i've seen you I couldn't
say at your lowest. But I've seen you at a
low point, you know, because I mean only your family
knows and those who were rootedly around you.

Speaker 9 (57:09):
But I just it is an honor to have served
with you.

Speaker 8 (57:14):
I know for a fact the majority of the things
you've been through, because.

Speaker 9 (57:18):
I'm still going through it.

Speaker 8 (57:21):
I have to intercede with gender for a second, because
by you being a man and a father of your children,
the mothers were.

Speaker 9 (57:27):
There, so you got that break. I couldn't. I could,
but I couldn't do.

Speaker 8 (57:33):
That as a nurturing mother for my children. So I
have to straddle the fence regarding my mental illness because
I've been there where I drunk myself in a stupor
and vomited and I was spewing in my own But
the kids were very young then and at the time
the father was there. But when you look at that
type of reality, and I really hate to divide the gender.

Speaker 9 (57:57):
Here, but that's just what it is.

Speaker 1 (57:59):
Yeah, Yeah, you have to sometimes, you know, because we
we we struggle with things differently. Yeah, you know what
I'm saying. And and it was it was something that
he said, we got a problem with giving in to
our inner child. You know what I'm saying. We always
gotta be you know, and and and it's hard for
us to sit back and say.

Speaker 2 (58:19):
Fuck, I need some help.

Speaker 8 (58:21):
But you're gonna have a trigger as an adult when
people don't know you say I'm a stranger to him,
and out the blue, you'll just shout out.

Speaker 9 (58:30):
Mama, shouldn't have done that to me.

Speaker 4 (58:31):
And I'm like, what the hell?

Speaker 3 (58:33):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 8 (58:35):
That's a trigger, And it's a trigger that's unknown to
me because I'm on the outside looking in. But you're
going back to your childhood, so I don't know that
story about you.

Speaker 9 (58:43):
So we gotta address them really quick.

Speaker 6 (58:46):
Whatever I'm good to say.

Speaker 10 (58:47):
But I found a new trigger and I don't want
to get into but yeah, the national anthems.

Speaker 6 (58:59):
Walk out on it the other day, box match.

Speaker 9 (59:01):
True, all right, he said walk out, walk out.

Speaker 6 (59:07):
Hands in. I had my hands in my hands. I
was trying to be semi respectful. Yeah, took a drink
of water. Right, It's like I can't do it.

Speaker 3 (59:16):
Oh say.

Speaker 2 (59:20):
Can you see?

Speaker 7 (59:21):
Oh?

Speaker 6 (59:21):
He ain't even get you even get to say, oh,
I gotta go. But to go back to what you're saying,
your triggers, and we need to have good things in
the tool Yeah.

Speaker 1 (59:31):
Yeah, you gotta have good things in your toolbox, especially
if you're if you're a veteran and you're still going
through it, you know, and you haven't found a scapegoat
or a way till to to trick to stop those
triggers from coming. You gotta have some tools in your
tool back. And you gotta be willing to ask for help. Oh,
you know, you got to be willing to ask for help.

(59:51):
But you have to go and ask the right people.
Some people just don't care.

Speaker 9 (59:56):
I wrote a senior thesis back in the day.

Speaker 8 (59:58):
I think it was ten, fifteen, twenty years who knows,
but it was a how to combat veterans with PTSD
COVID with stress. And we talked about different variables, you know,
the support system, the service dog, religion, breathing exercise, holistic approach.

Speaker 9 (01:00:13):
Whatever, you know.

Speaker 8 (01:00:15):
I know, they got the room where you bash everything
up from all this, we gotta find an outlet. And
I'm hoping as time progressed, they increase the studies of
mental illness because it's a lot of people still.

Speaker 9 (01:00:25):
Need to be learning.

Speaker 10 (01:00:26):
Yeah, so to be so really quick with mental illness,
the mental illness is a possibility that mental illness can
be pretty much wiped out seriously, because I personally I'm
doing ketamine treatments. As a matter of fact, I'm starting
my kedemine treatments again on the fifth, I think of
next month, because one thing with those you.

Speaker 6 (01:00:44):
Have to have somebody's driving you.

Speaker 10 (01:00:47):
And then also I'm taking TMS, which is transu magnetic
eye stimulation tm S or the t S.

Speaker 6 (01:00:55):
And that's basically what it is, is uh electro therapy
modern day lectal therapy at the end of it, at
the end of the day. So I mean there and
that's what I'm saying. There's zero excuses at this point.

Speaker 9 (01:01:07):
But do we want to have metal or metallic in
our bodies?

Speaker 6 (01:01:10):
Well, see you no, it's not so. What it is
it's a it's a machine.

Speaker 3 (01:01:14):
Right.

Speaker 6 (01:01:14):
You sit there and it's like it's like and you
really look like the cone hit is like old TV show.

Speaker 10 (01:01:20):
And when it is machine, just sit there right, and
you just put it on your on your head and
you just go like this right, and you just sit
just like student things and you put your hander and
at one point in time I get a you know,
your hands at r and then, But what they're doing
is they're trying.

Speaker 6 (01:01:32):
To get it set to where it's at. But the
great thing about this is is therapy.

Speaker 10 (01:01:36):
It it triggers the point of brain of your brain
or or your frontal cortex of your brain where depression
kind of sits and hides that, and it directly affects
that like it goes there. So it's not like a
medicine it's all around and stuff like that. It directly
attacks depression in your brain. And I tell you what,
I went from that to ketamine, and you know, yeah,

(01:02:01):
and I understand what you were also saying about like
being a single female.

Speaker 6 (01:02:05):
And all that kind of stuff and might have all
goes off to you.

Speaker 10 (01:02:08):
I can never understand what that would be like, you
know what I'm saying, and everything that you go through.
I'm a strong supporter, you know what I'm saying. Thank you, really,
but please don't chew my head off when I say this.
But I do find that a lot of females use
their kids as not having an excuse to go to therapy.

(01:02:28):
A lot of people, you know, there's no excuse for
somebody can make one hour out of a month ago
and actually talk to a professional.

Speaker 6 (01:02:35):
You know what I'm saying, But so many people try
to use their kids as little excuses. So I hear
what everybody's saying. But I'm a realist. So I got
two girls, and therapy at the end of the day
is good.

Speaker 10 (01:02:49):
It has to be, because what happens is your kids
come to you. You're not good, right, your kids come
to you, you help them out of a situation. Then
you resent them because you're not healthy. You're getting them
out of the situation. So basically, white can come to
you to help because you're not healthy. The best thing
to do is go get yourself healthy. So when your
kids come and help you, then you're healthy. Then both
of you guys can talk about it. But to me,

(01:03:11):
people are resentful because they're not healthy and their kids
need that help.

Speaker 6 (01:03:15):
No, I.

Speaker 8 (01:03:17):
Know we're gonna get out of here, but I'm gonna
honor you with this HAI coup. If I will okay
Service Animal Therapeutic Awareness Mentor to the Youth Service Animal
Therapeutic Awareness Mentor to the Youth Military Vet sacrifice is made.

(01:03:42):
That's life resurrected. OL Military veteran sacrifices. That's life resurrected.
OL I've seen your transformation and I'm proud of you, man,
So let us know what we can find you now,
let us know where we can find you, any platform,

(01:04:02):
anything you want to.

Speaker 3 (01:04:03):
Say to us.

Speaker 10 (01:04:04):
Not really right now, I'm kind of laying low. We
got some things coming up in Collinsville with the food pantry.
I think it's June to fifth. There is a summer
school or like a summer camp. I'm also with got
your six service support dogs. And then also I am
with Life Water Scuba Diving that's out of h Saint Charles, Missouri.

Speaker 2 (01:04:26):
Or we're with.

Speaker 10 (01:04:27):
Vets and so yeah, just check us out. You don't
even have to be a VET. It's Life water Scuba Diving,
all right.

Speaker 1 (01:04:33):
All right, well man, thank you so much for coming
down and sharing your story with us and hanging out
with us here at Goal. The Haiku al will be queen.
It's always an honor to sit at the table, which
you did. So we gonna catch you guys at the
next show. And it's been an honor. Again, thank you
so much for coming out.

Speaker 2 (01:04:52):
I appreciate see the match.

Speaker 12 (01:05:00):
No right, no, no big baby, no no hope, sure
you ain't trying me to death and man man jo
jo ain't there, Get your hand of upper rope and imagine, imagine.

Speaker 4 (01:05:12):
Like life on the relationship so three week because a
number month that they failed. I imagine and imagine being
told you to rely, mad but not nave.

Speaker 3 (01:05:22):
In toddies in jail.

Speaker 4 (01:05:25):
And imagine that we won't want to go up. I
imagine when we we we're not amy. And imagine all
that you could