March 14, 2025 • 10 mins
Why is it so difficult to talk about grief? Lynn Banis, Expert Transformational Coach, Grief Mentor, Founder of Widows Rising Together and bestselling author, shares her views and insight. https://www.linkedin.com/in/lynn-banis-36987b2aa https://web.actionera.com/widowsrisingtogether
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I'm Tom Ray. I'm promoting successful business experts connecting people
throughout the world from my podcast studio in Brazil. Joining
us today from Virginia Beach, Virginia. Lynn Bennis, expert transformational coach,
best selling author, founder of Widows Rising Together and Grief
mentor so Lynn. Why is it so difficult for people
(00:29):
to talk about grief?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
You know, I think most of it is societal in
our society. It's really taboo. People don't and haven't talked
about it for so long that I think they're afraid
they don't know what to say or do, and they're
afraid they'll hurt the person or they won't know what
(00:54):
to say, so they back off. And part of what
I do is to provide some training for folks right,
because I think it's so necessary. We can't continue to
ignore people who are in the middle of grief and
have you know, they're so lonely that they need somebody.
(01:16):
And it doesn't mean you have to talk to them
about their grief or anything like that. You have to
just be there right and let them know that you care.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Give them some space, give them space.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah, if they're going to cry, sit down with a
box of kleenics and let them cry.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
No, Well, I hear what you're saying, and I checked
out your sight, and actually it's there's two sides to
the same coin. Obviously your focus is on the widows,
but the other side of the coin is the same thing,
persons who have a special person clothes that becomes a widow.
(01:54):
We also don't know how to speak about grief. We
don't know how to address that.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Either family doesn't know. I have an interesting article out there.
It's called Beyond cast Roles Widows wish they're family and
friends knew, and it is on LinkedIn. But you know,
I've just gotten so many great responses to it because
people really identify.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
I can say, because there are some I think, you know, numerically,
there are more people out there who don't understand how
to address grief because they have a special person that's grieving.
Then there are widows them. I say, there aren't widows
out there, but it's the rest of us. How do
we deal with that? How do we say to somebody,
and not only the fact of becoming a widow. We're
(02:42):
talking about somebody who may have a health crisis, they
may be in the middle of a situation.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
So it's all grief, yeah, exactly. And I do work
with people who have suffered a major loss, whether it's trauma,
loss of a job, widowers, widows, you know, it's all grief, right,
You're right, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
And again looking at your website, I see what you
focus on. One of the things that attracted me was
overcoming loneliness. And when I see people sort of, you know,
they they recede back into themselves.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
They do. Part of it is because when you put
yourself out there, often people don't know what to say,
so they ignore you or they say the wrong thing,
which really hurts more. You know, in America we get
three days bereavementally from work. How does that help anybody?
(03:40):
You know, in three days, you haven't gotten through anything.
You're in that horrible fog. And I think it's important
for organizations to do some training with their staff and
everybody else because if you ignore someone when you walk
past that you had been saying hi to every morning,
that hurts and the person's going to reach read even
(04:00):
more now.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
And that's across the board. And I agree with you.
In a corporate setting, a business setting, if you're a
team leader and someone on your team has a loss,
what you do? How do you do that? How do
you announce it to the rest?
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Well, that's a good one, because is it your business
to announce it?
Speaker 1 (04:18):
That's a good question. I really don't know. I think
that's the start of the misunderstanding.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Yeah, I think it is too and and I think
a lot of it depends on your relationship with your team.
And I would always ask the grieving person, is it
all right if I let people know that you're having
a difficult time. You don't have to say what's happened?
You know, when the when the grieving person wants to
(04:45):
talk about that, they will talk about it. But to
let people know that you've had a family issue or
a difficult time, that's that's all that's necessary.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
You're mentioning, as you mentioned, you're talking about in the
States and I'm here in Brazil, and I think worldwide
it's a similar situation different cultures. I deal with it
differently here in Brazil. If someone passes away, they are
buried in twenty four hours. So many times you don't
even have the time to advise people that somebody has
(05:17):
passed away. It's you know, generally here then you may
have a seven day mass or something after the fact,
but it's really I'm going to say, I'm organized, and
it becomes even more trauma for the survivors because it's
trying to adjust to something they don't even know about.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
That's right, let's just ignore it.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yes, So to that, then you have a book, you
have a site. How do you address and how do
you find or help the persons who need it?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Well, I really interview people first, and they find me
through LinkedIn, Facebook, and then I try to establish with
them where they are and process to see if my programs,
if they're ready for my programs, because I don't do.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
The very early early stage.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah, deep grief. Once they begin to get their brain
clear a little bit and can make good decisions, then
I take them by the hand and walk them through
my process which helps them rearrange their thinking and identify
who they are now. And then we move into creating
(06:31):
a bootprint a map of what they want to do,
who they want to become, and and get them moving
on that so that they can enjoy life again.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
And I think is that that's what we spoke about.
It's getting away from yourself actually and becoming somebody else.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Well, that's what happens, and that's very hard to accept sometimes.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
So there are the different stages of grieving. Is that
you said.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
I think Kouba ross is. You know, she started out
with her five Stages of grief and it's been debunked
a bit now. But the thing is that it's not linear.
So you do experience many of those things, but you
could experience three at a time, or you could experience
number five and go back to two. And so it's
(07:19):
really important that people are willing to just listen and
not push people because they will generally speaking, they will
move along as they are able. You know, you don't
want people to spend five, six years, ten years. I've
had clients that have lost their spouse ten years ago
(07:41):
and still, you know, are paralyzed, and we call that
prolonged grief. It is a psychological term and it's very
dangerous because it can kill us.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
So many cause of depression have come from that.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Yeah, so you get other physical elements that come.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
From that, Yeah, physical and mental.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Right, mental, that's true. Yeah, they happen to become hand
in hand because of the physical and mental. They walk together,
you talk.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Together, Yes, they do. Your brain is the center, and
it's it's what's trying to adjust and support and protect you.
But we have to do that and use neuroscience to
rewire the brain so that it's healthy, healthy process, leaving
(08:32):
you in the right to second.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
We can relate to it as being a muscle. We
got to make it strong because it has to help
us forward.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
It is a muscle. Yeah, it's the center of everything.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Right. Well, then, very very very good. Thanks for sharing
with us and the process, because you know it's something
that's needed, and most people don't realize that they need it.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
So you know what's interesting, I would say that almost
every one of us is grieving and don't even know it.
We're grieving for the life that we had before COVID.
We're grieving for the instant changes that are happening, happening
all the time. I don't feel like we're in control
(09:13):
and we need to address it.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
HI, and we don't have to die or have someone
die to do that.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Absolutely not very good.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
So how can we find you?
Speaker 2 (09:23):
You can find me on LinkedIn, you can find me
on Facebook. Those are probably the two easiest places, and
I have my calendar on both of those places. So
just feel free to make an appointment. I'd love to
talk with people.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Very good. Well, thanks again for being here, Thank you
and for audience. It's Lynn Bannis, It's l y n
n the last name b a Ni. So you find
her on LinkedIn again. She is Widows Rising Together. Widows
Rising Together. You'll find her on the Internet. Cafe Networking
is brought to us by Focus on My Market and
(09:59):
Tell Jents and agricultural market research specialist in Brazil. More
information at f O c U s MI dot com.
Talk to Tom, Talk to the World. Thanks for listening.
Until the next time here at cuff Fit and Networking Podcast.
I'm Tom Ray. I'm promoting successful business experts connecting people
throughout the world from my podcast studio in Brazil. Joining
us today from Virginia Beach, Virginia. Lynn Bennis, expert transformational coach,
best selling author, founder of Widows Rising Together and Grief
mentor so Lynn. Why is it so difficult for people
(00:29):
to talk about grief?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
You know, I think most of it is societal in
our society. It's really taboo. People don't and haven't talked
about it for so long that I think they're afraid
they don't know what to say or do, and they're
afraid they'll hurt the person or they won't know what
(00:54):
to say, so they back off. And part of what
I do is to provide some training for folks right,
because I think it's so necessary. We can't continue to
ignore people who are in the middle of grief and
have you know, they're so lonely that they need somebody.
(01:16):
And it doesn't mean you have to talk to them
about their grief or anything like that. You have to
just be there right and let them know that you care.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Give them some space, give them space.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah, if they're going to cry, sit down with a
box of kleenics and let them cry.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
No, Well, I hear what you're saying, and I checked
out your sight, and actually it's there's two sides to
the same coin. Obviously your focus is on the widows,
but the other side of the coin is the same thing,
persons who have a special person clothes that becomes a widow.
(01:54):
We also don't know how to speak about grief. We
don't know how to address that.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Either family doesn't know. I have an interesting article out there.
It's called Beyond cast Roles Widows wish they're family and
friends knew, and it is on LinkedIn. But you know,
I've just gotten so many great responses to it because
people really identify.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
I can say, because there are some I think, you know, numerically,
there are more people out there who don't understand how
to address grief because they have a special person that's grieving.
Then there are widows them. I say, there aren't widows
out there, but it's the rest of us. How do
we deal with that? How do we say to somebody,
and not only the fact of becoming a widow. We're
(02:42):
talking about somebody who may have a health crisis, they
may be in the middle of a situation.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
So it's all grief, yeah, exactly. And I do work
with people who have suffered a major loss, whether it's trauma,
loss of a job, widowers, widows, you know, it's all grief, right,
You're right, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
And again looking at your website, I see what you
focus on. One of the things that attracted me was
overcoming loneliness. And when I see people sort of, you know,
they they recede back into themselves.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
They do. Part of it is because when you put
yourself out there, often people don't know what to say,
so they ignore you or they say the wrong thing,
which really hurts more. You know, in America we get
three days bereavementally from work. How does that help anybody?
(03:40):
You know, in three days, you haven't gotten through anything.
You're in that horrible fog. And I think it's important
for organizations to do some training with their staff and
everybody else because if you ignore someone when you walk
past that you had been saying hi to every morning,
that hurts and the person's going to reach read even
(04:00):
more now.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
And that's across the board. And I agree with you.
In a corporate setting, a business setting, if you're a
team leader and someone on your team has a loss,
what you do? How do you do that? How do
you announce it to the rest?
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Well, that's a good one, because is it your business
to announce it?
Speaker 1 (04:18):
That's a good question. I really don't know. I think
that's the start of the misunderstanding.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Yeah, I think it is too and and I think
a lot of it depends on your relationship with your team.
And I would always ask the grieving person, is it
all right if I let people know that you're having
a difficult time. You don't have to say what's happened?
You know, when the when the grieving person wants to
(04:45):
talk about that, they will talk about it. But to
let people know that you've had a family issue or
a difficult time, that's that's all that's necessary.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
You're mentioning, as you mentioned, you're talking about in the
States and I'm here in Brazil, and I think worldwide
it's a similar situation different cultures. I deal with it
differently here in Brazil. If someone passes away, they are
buried in twenty four hours. So many times you don't
even have the time to advise people that somebody has
(05:17):
passed away. It's you know, generally here then you may
have a seven day mass or something after the fact,
but it's really I'm going to say, I'm organized, and
it becomes even more trauma for the survivors because it's
trying to adjust to something they don't even know about.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
That's right, let's just ignore it.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yes, So to that, then you have a book, you
have a site. How do you address and how do
you find or help the persons who need it?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Well, I really interview people first, and they find me
through LinkedIn, Facebook, and then I try to establish with
them where they are and process to see if my programs,
if they're ready for my programs, because I don't do.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
The very early early stage.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah, deep grief. Once they begin to get their brain
clear a little bit and can make good decisions, then
I take them by the hand and walk them through
my process which helps them rearrange their thinking and identify
who they are now. And then we move into creating
(06:31):
a bootprint a map of what they want to do,
who they want to become, and and get them moving
on that so that they can enjoy life again.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
And I think is that that's what we spoke about.
It's getting away from yourself actually and becoming somebody else.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Well, that's what happens, and that's very hard to accept sometimes.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
So there are the different stages of grieving. Is that
you said.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
I think Kouba ross is. You know, she started out
with her five Stages of grief and it's been debunked
a bit now. But the thing is that it's not linear.
So you do experience many of those things, but you
could experience three at a time, or you could experience
number five and go back to two. And so it's
(07:19):
really important that people are willing to just listen and
not push people because they will generally speaking, they will
move along as they are able. You know, you don't
want people to spend five, six years, ten years. I've
had clients that have lost their spouse ten years ago
(07:41):
and still, you know, are paralyzed, and we call that
prolonged grief. It is a psychological term and it's very
dangerous because it can kill us.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
So many cause of depression have come from that.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Yeah, so you get other physical elements that come.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
From that, Yeah, physical and mental.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Right, mental, that's true. Yeah, they happen to become hand
in hand because of the physical and mental. They walk together,
you talk.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Together, Yes, they do. Your brain is the center, and
it's it's what's trying to adjust and support and protect you.
But we have to do that and use neuroscience to
rewire the brain so that it's healthy, healthy process, leaving
(08:32):
you in the right to second.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
We can relate to it as being a muscle. We
got to make it strong because it has to help
us forward.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
It is a muscle. Yeah, it's the center of everything.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Right. Well, then, very very very good. Thanks for sharing
with us and the process, because you know it's something
that's needed, and most people don't realize that they need it.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
So you know what's interesting, I would say that almost
every one of us is grieving and don't even know it.
We're grieving for the life that we had before COVID.
We're grieving for the instant changes that are happening, happening
all the time. I don't feel like we're in control
(09:13):
and we need to address it.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
HI, and we don't have to die or have someone
die to do that.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Absolutely not very good.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
So how can we find you?
Speaker 2 (09:23):
You can find me on LinkedIn, you can find me
on Facebook. Those are probably the two easiest places, and
I have my calendar on both of those places. So
just feel free to make an appointment. I'd love to
talk with people.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Very good. Well, thanks again for being here, Thank you
and for audience. It's Lynn Bannis, It's l y n
n the last name b a Ni. So you find
her on LinkedIn again. She is Widows Rising Together. Widows
Rising Together. You'll find her on the Internet. Cafe Networking
is brought to us by Focus on My Market and
(09:59):
Tell Jents and agricultural market research specialist in Brazil. More
information at f O c U s MI dot com.
Talk to Tom, Talk to the World. Thanks for listening.
Until the next time here at cuff Fit and Networking Podcast.
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