April 7, 2025 • 50 mins
Thomas has worn many hats in his lifetime: entrepreneur, family mentor, keynote speaker, and now a best-selling author and podcast host. With a Bachelor's in Marketing and a Master’s in Social Work,
Thomas brings both professional insight and personal experience to everything he does.
We talked about how childhood messages shape who we become — and how those messages can lead to deep-rooted beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” But we also talked about hope — how to work through those feelings, validate them, and create healthier ways of thinking and living.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, everyone, this is Betsy Wershal. You're a host of
Chatting with Betsy on Pastior Rold Talk Radio Network, a
subsidiary of Global Media Network LLC. I am mantrance to
educate and lay in and entertain, and as always, I
have a phenomenal guest with me today and my guest
(00:23):
is extra exceptional because he is in New Jersey and
I always love to interview people from New Jersey. That's
my home safe, that's where I live, and I think
people should know about resources that are in New Jersey.
(00:43):
For my audience who does live in New Jersey, and
even those who don't live in New Jersey, you could
gain much information. Because my guest today is Thomas Gotgliano
and he is a best selling author has two books
out and I just love the.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Name of them.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
The first book, The Problem was Me, how To and
Negative Self Talk, and I think that's the book that
everyone could benefit from. And the newest book, I love
this title, Don't put crap in your kids diaper. The
cleanup costs can last a lifetime. Thomas Gagliano is also
(01:26):
a keynote speaker relationship expert. He has a master's degree
in social work, a bachelor's degree in marketing. And I
want to welcome Thomas Atleana to chatting with that thing.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Welcome Thomas, thank you very much, thank you for having
me on.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Oh you are welcome. As my pleasure. I have to
tell you. I love the names of your book, your titles.
I'll start the first book, how did you come up
with that?
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Time? And I love it? And I love it.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
I would sayd how to end negive self talk because
a lot of people will me, including need to read
something like that.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Well, you know, my books are always predicated on childhood messages,
and I believe that childhood messages impact every part of
our life, to the intimacy we have, the careers, we choose,
the roles we play, even have parenting skills. And I realized,
coming from a tough child, they're coming from an abusive childhood.
(02:32):
I had a lot of negative self talk. I talk
about my book. I talk about this fictitious character called
the warden that sat on my shoulder, always sabotaged my happiness.
I always told me I wasn't good enough, and I
had to get to the point where it had to
challenge that fictitious character called the warden. And I had
to allow myself to have very positive messages in my
(02:56):
life because I believe that childhood messages are Lucia tsunamia,
negative thoughts, ideas called police voices that will carry throughout
our life, and as we stop them, we challenge them.
And I'm not knocking parents down. You know, there's some
messages that parents give us that are very positive, very healthy,
but there's also some messages that we have to kind
of challenge sometimes and identify and see if they're really
(03:19):
helping us. So I came up with the problem with me,
and in my book they talk about my life story
and how I felt many people stop sabotaging their happiness,
take their life to a new level, and start to
talk positive about themselves, celebrating their victories, not always running
to the lemmas. So that's a little bit of what
I try to talk about in my book. The problem was.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Me, I love that timent. I'm going to just yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
I was sure with my audience. I'm a huge mental
health advocate, and I said on my so many times
I came from an emotionally abusive childhood and I had
to finally flip my script and I didn't do that
till the age of sixty. I'm sixty seven, and it's
never too late to change your story that someone else
(04:12):
told you that you were my father. I know he
loved me in his own way and the way that
he could love me. But he used to tell me
I was ugly all the time. And he told my
sister she was fat, And in fact, my sister said
to me, Betsy, I would feel.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Bad for you because daddy told you ugly. He just
said that I was fat.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
So when a girl grows up and thinking that she's ugly,
I think it just predisposes someone to abusive relationships or
to be so happy that someone's talking to her that
you settle for anything.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
And it took me a long time to get over that.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
Yeah, and the messages I'm not good enough. That's why
all my clients come to me is I'm not good enough.
See our parents where our gods. When we were young,
they fed us, they closed us, They showed us how
to view the world and have the world viewed us.
They're very powerful. And I talk about this thing I
(05:25):
learned in school called egocentricity, that means the world revolves
around the child. There's nothing they want more than to
matter to their parents. And one of the problems is
when we feel like we don't matter to our parents,
we won't stop loving ourselves. We won't stop loving them,
we will stop loving ourselves. And when that happens, this
(05:46):
is I deal with a lot of people that have
act out with addictions or acting the depression anxiety. When
we do that that you, we've become fragmented. What's fragmented you?
It means we develop masks. This is what I talk
about in my book Problem is Me. We show the
world when part of ourselves a mass that we think
will be accepted, but there's an inner pain we have
(06:08):
that we dare not allow others to see how we feel.
It's kind of like I say this in my book,
it's kind of like we're screaming for help, please help
me heal, but don't you dare and in a voice saying,
don't you dare get close to me because I don't
want you to see this part of me and that
fragmentation we will carry into our adult life. And what
I do in my groups is I try to help
(06:30):
my clients become too ruin the one cell. You say,
what you mean? You mean? What you say, to get
away from the fragmentation that is really hidden your true self,
believing that you're fat, or you're ugly or whatever it
is that you never want the world to see, and
you stay isolated, you stay hurt, and isolation become a
(06:52):
very comfortable place to be, but it also could be
very very It also is very toxic.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Yes, yes, as what is I mean? I coaugh now
with the irony of it is, Thomas. I never thought,
because of how self conscious I am, of how I look,
I never thought I would be on social media. So
when I went in my car to do videos about
(07:23):
breaking the mids of Alzheimer's and talk about caregiving, way
before anyone else went in their car to do it.
I did this like eight years ago. People set, I'll
back to your brave, and you know, you're saying things
that I would say, and I'm like, no, I'm not brave.
You don't even know what it took for me to
put myself out there and people looking at me, you know,
(07:47):
I know they're looking at me as the view of
my video, and I said, I was just mad at
the healthcare system and I had to use my anger
and a post positive ways that became a passion to
advocate and to reach out to people, and you know
(08:09):
which led me to where I am today, and Thomas,
to be honest with you, I'm very honest with my
audience and my guests. I still struggle, well, am I
good enough? Am I good enough to talk to this
guest or that guest? And you know, uh, the audience
think or the guests think.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I mean, it's a it's a.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
It's a struggle still about you know what? As I saying, Oh,
I faced my fears and do it anyway us dangerous?
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Yep, that's how powerful a corbous green dinner and they
last a lifetime. And we have to sometimes get positive
messages from others. This is what I have in my group,
So we'll want to go text with each other. And
sometimes when they can't hear anything positive within themselves, they
need to solicit be helpful the group in order to
feel better about themselves. I'm a fellowship guy and a
(09:04):
recovering addict.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
You know.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
For me, my real centricity was when my father was
out drinking and gambling all the time at a young
age at eight nine years old. I never said she
my father suffers from alcoholism, at eight nine, I said,
what's the matter with me? Something's got to be wrong
with me, or my father wouldn't be doing this. My
father wouldn't be saying I'm ogly or fat or whatever.
At a young age, ego centricity takes over. We don't
(09:28):
have enough brain development to understand that it's our parents issue,
not ours, And this is what gets ingrained in us.
You know. I remember a story where my son, my
youngest son, we were watching a baseball game and he said, Dad,
how come the kids in the stand meats so hard
for their favorite baseball player? And I said, well, that
baseball player is the heroes. And he says, at eight
(09:51):
and nine, and he's thinking about what I said. He said,
you know, Dad, they may be my first hero. I mean,
they may be my hero, but you're always going to
be my first hero. We are at parents, we are
at children's first heroes. We want that responsibility or not.
That's just the way it is. And when I knew
what was down, there's profound effects on us throughout our life.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
That's very true.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
It. You know, if you try to get your parents' approval,
well I stopped.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
I knew I was never going to get it. And
so when they finally did that was.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
Later on in life, but early on, yeah, early.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
On, yeh, later on.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
We want that more than anything.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Right, Yeah, that's true, and I would you know, I
was shocked when my father or my mother would tell
me that they were proud of me. I really wanted
And to this day, Thomas, when I got a compliment
from someone, I cry. It touches me deeply, not in
(11:04):
a bad way and a good way. It touches me
to know that I helped someone, and that's very powerful,
you know. Getting podsitive feedback is so powerful, you know,
and people think, you know, like you're a keynote speaker.
(11:26):
I do my show and people think, oh, you know,
they don't need any encouragement. If we do, I'll say
it for myself, Yeah, we do.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Maybe once in a while.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
It just lets us know that, you know that to
make a difference is very touching. To hear your second book, I.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Like to know how you come up with.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
The title Don't put crap in your kids diaper. The
clean car lift.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
True, it's called true, it's called don't put it's called
don't put your crap in your kids diaper. So the
urine there that's.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Oh, don't put crap in your kids diapers?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Did I say that?
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Okay, that's okay, okay, but yes, yeah, I mean it's hard.
Our kids are born. Yeah, our kids are born, and
we want the best for them. But sometimes we put
our fears in the diaper, We put our our resentments
for others in their diaper. We put a lot of
other things in their diaper that really they don't need.
(12:38):
And that's part of what I talk about that each
parent should and I go through over different stages, but
each parents should really get help for themselves, monitor their
in a critic, talk about the things that they need
to work on in order to give their children the
best messages that they can give their children. We all
(12:58):
love our children, but I've had client and say they
rush in and always fix their children's messes, and they
don't let their children develop healthy coping mechanisms where they
learn how to get out of their own messages. And
then these kids get to a certain age and they
don't know how to deal with life, and they go
back and they're really they're frustrated, they're angry, They acting
(13:19):
with depressions, act out with addictions because they have never
learned coping mechanisms. Now, don't get me wrong, when the
kids are in impending danger, we always have to take
care of our children. But when our children get into
little message in their life, talk to them early on
what do they think they should do. Let them develop
coping mechanisms, because if a child grows up without coping mechanisms,
(13:43):
they're not going to be able to handle the world.
And that's what I tell some parents. And many times
a parent will come to me and say, I don't
understand it. Jamie or Susan is so mad at me,
and I was always there taking care of all their problems.
Well that's why they're mad at you, because they don't
know how to deal with their own problems when they
get older.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Yeah, that I can definitely say that.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
When I came to my mom I was being bullied
in seventh grade and she.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Was I'll just smile or at your imagination. You're just
imagining that. No, I wasn't imagining it.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
It was real, and I just you know, didn't get
any support. And I you know, say it on the
show that when you cut off communication with your children
and they can't come to you, they're going to go
to other sources, and they may not be sources that
you want them to go to.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
No, No, you never want for sure, you never want
your children to solicit the wrong people. And it's one
of the things I told about my book, and that
is to create a safe place for your child so
they could talk to you about their feelings. If you
always have to be right, if you don't validate their feelings,
a child that feels like their feelings are not validated
(15:04):
will feel like they're not validated, and eventually they're going
to have to get that void filled. And you don't
want them to go to the wrong people. I could
hear my children's feelings. I don't have to agree with it,
but I can hear it, I can valid it. I
hear you, I hear how you feel because the child
needs to know that the feelings are important. Now, I'm
not telling anybody out there to be their child's best friend,
(15:26):
because that's what people think. No, you give your child consequences,
but consequences on the actually they take. If they don't
clean their room, they can't play with their toys the
next day. If they don't come home at a certain time,
they can't go out the next day. Children need boundaries.
Boundaries is love, boundaries, teaching them that these things they
can and can't do in their life. It's very important.
(15:46):
But at the same time, we really have to make
sure that we're validating their feelings.
Speaker 4 (15:52):
It's very important, absolutely, and I definitely make sure that
with my son and talking about his feelings.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
And I mean, this could be a whole other show.
But when.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
My son, Josh, who has a cognit of disability, he
was great with his dad. He was great being a
caregiver with his father, and he understood and they had
a very strong connection. And when my husband died, I
let Josh grief, I let him tell me, even during caregiving,
(16:34):
how he felt. And Thomas, you would not believe the
amount of people that say, I'm sure you do because
you're in this field, well be strong, be strong for
your mom, or be strong for Josh.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
And I'm like, no, don't tell us to be strong.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
We've been strong. That's not helpful to say that to someone.
And you you know, I mean, we're human beings. And
I think that children, especially facing an illness of a parent,
they need to be able to event.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
How they feel. Hey, the sucks. Well, I don't like it.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
Yeah, well, I will tell you something very important that
I have learned. And my son taught me this and
it came at a liter League game where he was
the best picture on his team. Unfortunately that day he
did not have his the plate. He walked people, and
(17:39):
he lost the game and he struggled. He was really
in a bad place. And I remember walking over to
him and in the dugout with his friends, and I
was thinking, like, what can I say to him? Should
I put on my therapist hat and ask him how
he's feeling. Should I put on my picture coach had
(18:00):
and tell them let me help you with your delivery.
And when I got to the dugout, if you made
any thing happened was he looked at me with his
friends all over there, and he said, Dad, I want
a hug. That's all I wanted was a hug. Not
a pitching coach, not a therapist who wanted a hug.
And that's what I tell parents, when you see your
(18:22):
child suffering, stop and pause for a minute. Think about
what you would have wanted as a child at that
age if you were suffering the same way. Whether somebody
passed on, whether you just blew it, up game in
a pitching game, whether you had your aw broken or
you fell the pest, think about what you would have
(18:43):
wanted your parents to say. Let that compassion guy, what
you say and the way you say it. And I
think I tell this the parents in my book, don't
put your crap in your kids diaper. Pause for a minute,
don't jump in see the problem.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
We haven't. I had it too.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
I understand what will see our children in pain? We
want to take the pain away right away. We want
to relieve them of the pain. Well, guess what life
is walking through the pain, not escaping it. So what
we do see our children in pain? Just pause and
say if that happened to me, the kid, what would
I want for my parents? That that compassion guy, that
(19:21):
you say and the way you say. And that's another
another thing that I say in my book that I
think is very important for parents to understand.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Now, that is important. That's so sweet that your son
just wanted a hug. He just wanted that reassurance. You know, Oh,
maybe I didn't do as well as I thought that
you still love me, you know, And you.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
Know what, there's plenty of time for me to go
over his pitching, delivery, and go over all the other
things that I thought he needed at that time. But
as I go back to what I said originally, and
we are our children's hero, he wanted a hug. That's
what he wanted. That's all he wanted at that particular time.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I love that sometimes, you know, I think that's all
people want as a hug.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
As you know, when I was talking about grieving five
years ago, people didn't want to hear it. Now people
are saying the same things that I'm saying. It's like
some people just want someone to listen to and that
your child, and they just want you to listen to
them and give them a hug. They don't want you
(20:44):
to fix it. Some things can't be fixed. Death of
the loved one can't be said. But to deal with
the problems is so very important. There's a lot and
that's going to be coming now, you know, with children,
(21:04):
young adults being caregivers as people age and having to
deal with that. And I've talked to children. They were
children and then you know, became adults and they were
caregiving and they's a lot of us felt like they
had no one to talk to. They were stressed and
(21:27):
that's yeah. Back with therapy was a thag.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
And I talk to people that have children that have
depressions and have have anxiety, and I tell them, look,
sometimes you have to just say what do you need
from me? How could I help you? There's no fixing,
there's no telling them what they need to do. When
somebody is that hurt inside and absolutely paralyzed, you're telling
(21:54):
them to do things they can't do. So the best
thing to do is just to meet them where they're at.
How can I help you? What can I do for you?
Is there anything I could do for you? Because if
you're asking them to do something that they can't do,
not knowingly, you're pushing them away. I know you don't
mean that, but that's that's really what happens when you're
(22:17):
asking somebody to do something that they're not capable of doing.
And that's what's really important when it comes to dealing
with people that have depression and anxiety. We all want
to fix people, that's our nature, but sometimes we got
to relinquish it need to fix them and meet them
where they're at. That's the best thing we could do
(22:37):
for them at that point.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
Yes, And I like your opinion Thomas.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
When a child goes to a parent and says, mom, dad,
I'm depressed.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
I'm sad.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Like I did many years ago, and being told oh,
you're nothing to be sad, are depressed about it doesn't
help the child, I think acknowledge.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
Yeah, Basically, the message is you're stupid. Something going with you.
How dare you complain about that? The problem is you.
Instead of being empathetic and saying I'm sorry that you're hurting,
how can I help you? What can I do to
help you? To acknowledge their pain, instead of telling them basically,
like you were told that something must be wrong with you,
(23:29):
how could you be hurt? And that's that's not a
positive message to give the children that are suffering. I'll
deal with somebody that has it's more fear and they'll
look in the mirror and they'll look at themselves and
they'll say either they're fat, or they're ugly or whatever. Now,
if you go to that person and say to them,
that's ridiculous, you're pretty, you're not fat, you're telling them
(23:52):
that they can't see reality. That's something's wrong with them again.
Instead of doing that to say I hear you, how
can I help you, what can I do to help you?
Do people always try to fix and I did the
same thing. I'm not judging anybody, but we can't fix
something that we have no control over or power over
(24:14):
over mature. The best thing to do is to meet
the people where they're at and just again ask them,
how can I help you? What could I do to
help you? That's the best thing you could tell somebody
now when you have their confidence that they feel you
really hear them, They're so much more prone to take
direction or help when they believe that you understand them,
(24:38):
that you feel them.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Yes, that is so very important. I can tell you
in the caregiving world that I'm still part of and
still I still am the caregiver. As caregivers just want
someone to listen to them, not necessar there we fix
(25:01):
you know, the situation because it can't be fixed, but
just to listen without judgment and that, you know, just
holding space for someone to say, you know, I'm here
for you. I have a shoulder you want to cry on,
lean on a hug, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
How can I support you instead of.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
You know, running in the other direction or telling them,
you know, snap out of it. If it was so
easy to snap out of depression. People people would be
doing that. Some people need professional help, and some people
might need medication.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
Yes, right right, that's and that's exactly as I said.
I'm a recovering addict, and I realize how important fellowship is.
We can't sometimes you can't do for ourselves what others
can do for us. And to have a support that's
what I key on my groups and from my groups.
A lot of the wives of the men's groups Free
(26:07):
I facilitate came to me and said, what did you
do with my husband? He's a different person. He so
he just so much more pathetic intu Then I got
into couples consultations, and then from couples consultations, I got
into childhood. I want to bring you my childhood the president.
So God has brought me in a lot of different ways,
(26:27):
Betsy that I never thought I started to do this. Really,
I got away from the world of business, and I
really wanted to help others and stuff that as I
had from tough childhoods, and I wanted to help people
give their children healthy and positive messages kind of di
I didn't get as a child. And then God kind
of brought me all this way and stuff, and that's
when I started to speak. I was on Doctor Oza,
(26:49):
did a lot of speaking engagements until COVID kind of
put a kebash on everything. But that's okay, that's the
way it is. Yep.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
You know, I found uh Thomas And when I've spoken
to many people over these few years I'm doing my show,
and that is whether they were caregivers or they came
from a difficult childhood, they found a way to be
(27:19):
victorious and they want to help other people and they
want to support people which they didn't have that when
they were when they needed it, and they come up
with the business or they invent something.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
I just find that.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
People who have experienced something such as you know, the
caregiving or you're covering addicts, they understand it's not book knowledge,
just book knowledge, it's you know, it's walking through that life.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And that makes you more.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Understanding what you said a mouthful, Betsy. Because I have
my massage of doing social work, I have a sex,
drug and alcohol, and I'm not telling you in all
those areas that I didn't learn a lot. I learned
from ericson and when I went from a Masster's degree
in social work I learned a lot, but there's nothing
that helped me more help people than overcoming my own experiences.
(28:16):
When I do my podcast, and anybody could listen to
my podcasts on Spotify or iTunes if they put in
the problems me in a search bar. When I do
my podcast, I get loads of emails saying, Tom, you're
talking about me, You're talking about my husband. Oh my god,
I can't believe you know how you've helped me with
(28:37):
your podcast, because that is not what I talk about
from school learning that's overcoming my own experiences. There's nothing
I could read in school that can help me understand
the true pain of a covering addict, the true grieving
process when they're trying to get sober. There's nothing that
can help me more, nothing that's helped them more than
(28:59):
overcoming my own experiences and understand exactly how they feel.
And I can't read that in books, and I can't
read that in certificates. That's something that I know myself,
and that's why my petcast have been very popular. That's
why I have I have clients in my groups from Canada, Israel, California, Florida,
(29:21):
all over the place because they feel like I understand
how they really feel. And that's the key in any
anything we do with clients. When we get them that
they could stop and say, wow, this guy, this woman
really understands how I feel. Then they trust you enough
that if you give them direction, they're willing to take it.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
That's very true. That is so true.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
I've even had people say, Betsy, you know what, before
I became a caregiver, I didn't really understand what my
clients are going through. Now that I'm went through it,
I'm learning standing of what they were facing. And now
they're better at their their job because they are more
(30:10):
understanding and said, you're recovering addict. So I want to
ask you this time is because I know this has
been said so many times. Well, we don't validate our
feelings that were hurt feelings. We do try to nun
them either it's alcohol, drugs, stecks, compulsive shopping instead of
(30:37):
facing our feelings. And it's hard to face our feelings
and how we feel.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
And especially if you grew up, Betsy, in a childhood
where your parents didn't know how to face their own feelings.
We don't discomfort, We don't have to regulator discomfort. We
don't have to deal with conflict. So we run fight
or flight. Either run away or we get angry when
(31:03):
anybody gets close to any feelings. And that's the problem
is we never learned. It's not that old. We didn't
have a version of intimacy from our parents that taught
us that. We had parents that either ran away, got
angry with, drew shut down. So it's hard to learn
to learn how to do that. I teach my clients,
(31:25):
you know, instead of running from the feelings, regulate them,
you know, as a recovering add it. Every feeling I had,
I always throwed a horrible ending. Was going to come
to the story that I awfulized everything in my life.
That's something bare was going to happen. That's not true.
But that's what I learned, and that's how I acted
from what I learned. So we have to learn to
regulate those feelings. Don't understand that feelings are not bad,
(31:48):
but where you come from it toil childhood. You don't
want to feel where you feel, You want to run away,
shut down, act doubt, whatever it is, food, drinking, drugs,
whatever it is, or you act in with depressure, isolation,
and really it's not our fault. Now, we're not responsible
for the childhood that we had, but I believe we're
(32:11):
responsible for healing that or we're going to pay the bill.
We're not gonna have Ah.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
It's true that, as you said, golden nuggets right there,
we have to want to confront our demons whatever you
want to call them, and make ours improve ourselves. I mean,
I you can. Someone could go to therapy, but they
have to do the work. The therapist isn't going to
(32:40):
do the work for you. Uh, you have to do
the work and go ahead.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
There's two kinds of willingness I find with my clients.
What is the willingness to get help. That's going to
places that can help you could be twelve steps, the therapist,
it could be any a priest, a rabbi, a bishop.
But then the second one is much harder it See,
that's the willingness to take direction. That's the willingness to
(33:08):
take the steps that you may not feel like taking,
you may not trust they're going to work. That's really
the piece that will get in my opinion, that gets
my clients to really heal and get better. I have
clients that come to me they're like unhappy whatever. But
they're not willing to take directions. They want to keep
(33:29):
doing what they always did and they're always going to
get what they always got. So that's part of the problem,
is the two willingnesses to get help. That's the first piece.
But then the second piece is are you willing to
take direction? That's the tough one.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
That's very true. I took a self help course a
few years ago.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
And it really helped me tremendously and that started up
my road to self improvement.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
And you know, is it easy to to change patterns?
Speaker 1 (34:08):
No, it's not, but it's worth it to improve yourself.
And when we were growing up, Thomas, you know, mental
health wasn't addressed, it wasn't talked about. People did not
go to see, you know, a social worker or a
counselor psychologist, and if they did, it was you know, hushed, hushed,
(34:32):
And it's it takes a lot of courage on someone's
part to seek support and help, especially absolutely if you
were going to be made fun of because of it.
Speaker 4 (34:49):
Uh, that's aside these messages, that's society's messages.
Speaker 3 (34:55):
When I was on series Radio J McCarthy and all
of these to let and they had it all backwards.
They thought you were a wimp if you were especially
a guy, if you seek help. And I used to
tell him, you got that backwards. It takes courage to
go to somebody and work on yourself. You got that
all backwards. I always on the show with one of
(35:18):
the guys that did this, I forget his name, used
to do on his the one of the channels on
cable used to renovate homes. I don't know who he was.
And after we I was on serious radio with him.
I think it was the Jenny McCarthy would wake up
with tailor John full Sign, whatever was. He came to
me afterwards and he said, you know, I never thought
(35:39):
about that I had this backwards. I thought you were
a wind that she got help. The reality was it
takes courage to get help. I said, now you got
it right. So this is the problem with a lot
about society. And you got this backwards. When when people
my clients bring their children to me, I helped their children.
But many people afraid if I bring my children to
(36:00):
get help, you're going to be telling them what a
bad parent I am. Well, you know, at the end
of the day, give you children a courage, show them
that you're willing to work on yourself. It's the best
message you give your kids.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Yes, excuse me, I agree one hundred percent. And I
feel Thomas that in society needs to change their way
of thinking. I've been a mental health advocate for many,
many years. I talked about mental health long before I
(36:37):
even had a show, and I think that COVID brought
mental health to the forefront, more made it more acceptable
than it was to get support, and it should have
always been acceptable and it should not be frowned upon.
(36:58):
I think, especially with boys grown up to be men,
I think we need to give our boys, our sons,
the space to be able to show their feelings and
a constructive environment instead of saying, oh stop crying, man up,
(37:19):
you know, stuck it up back in my.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
Tribal if you have dads and fathers like my father,
who when I showed feelings, my father used to call
me this little girl. Whenever I show a feelings, we said,
come on, little girl. That message. And still to this day,
as you said, you still have childhood messages. I still
(37:42):
have an issue crying and feeling my feelings till to
this day because I feel that there's something deep inside
of me that says I have to be defective I
show those feelings or if I cry. And again, that
message is very powerful in me. And it's because my
dad used to call me little girl if I should
feel motions. So, you know, we have to stop this messaging.
(38:05):
We have to. And it's amazing when my clients, when
the guys show their wife into machine mobility whatever, their
wives love it. They're like, oh, give me more of that.
But the guys are the ones that are saying, I
feel like I'm doing something wrong. This is the ingrained
(38:25):
core beliefs that many men suffer.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
Yeah, I think especially in my time. You know, I
grew up in the sixties and seventies. My dad was
a world worth event, you know, so you you know,
you didn't My father saw crying as a weakness and
even in school, Thomas, as you cried, you were made
(38:50):
fun of.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
Cry baby, I have seen as a weakness.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Even girls were made to feel.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Ashamed for crying.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
So I was always a sense of soul and I was,
you know, put down for being a cry you know,
cry baby. And so for me to show my feelings,
it's really difficult. But then you know what as I
began to accept myself and even on some shows that
(39:21):
are highly emotional for me depending on the topic matter,
I don't apologize, Thomas if I cry on my podcast,
if it's such an emotional subject.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
For me, I don't apologize for who I am anymore.
Speaker 3 (39:33):
No, would you challenged that. You challenged it. You found
out that that message you received was this functional message,
and you challenged it. And many people don't do that.
And that's what I as key on. What messages did
you receive in your childhood that need to be challenged?
(39:54):
How was that becoming yourself fully prophecy? And that's what's
very important. The challenge stun the messages. But you see,
one of the problems that I find with clients is
they don't want to look at their parents to a
bad life. They just don't want to do that. And
the problem with that is if I don't look at
(40:15):
what messages I need to challenge, I can't heal it.
If I don't have the awareness to know what actions
to take, I won't take the actions. And that's what
I talk about my book too, the three teams self awareness,
action and maintenance. Without self awareness, I don't know what
actions to take, and without action, it's nothing to maintain.
If we're going to heal, we need healthy habits until
(40:40):
we feel like they work, like it's part of who
we are today. But healthy habits will not come right away.
You have to take those actions first until they've become
healthy habits. And before you take those actions, you got
to have self awareness. You got to be able to say,
you know, I know my mom and dad loved me,
but when they told me this, it wasn't healthy. If
(41:02):
I don't have that self awareness, I'm never going to
choose healthy actions.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
That is very, very true, Thomas, that that is golden
nugget right there that you said. And I'll tell you what,
from a personal point of view, it's not easy.
Speaker 2 (41:24):
It's hard. It's really hard to say, you know what.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
This is how I was treated and to overcome that. Now,
I'll give you an example. I was the scapegoat my family.
I was blinding for everything. So I still sometimes think, oh,
that was my that's my fault, or that that's my fault.
And that's why I always tend to want to fix
people and fix things. It was so ingrained in my family, Thomas,
(41:53):
that I was a scapegoat that when I found out
diagnosis about my son, my younger.
Speaker 2 (42:00):
Mother hold me up and had a nerve to say
to me, what did you do wrong?
Speaker 3 (42:07):
Exactly?
Speaker 2 (42:08):
Can you? You know?
Speaker 1 (42:10):
So why somebody would even say that to someone's be
on my comprehension. But broken himself, yes, yeah, yeah, he
was a golden child.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
Yeah, in his way, he was broken himself, and even
golden child's we think that the golden child was a
luckier one. But at the end of the day, many
golden child golden children also stuff for consequences because the
world doesn't treat them like golden children, and when they
get around the world and they're not the center of
(42:45):
everybody's life, they don't know how to handle it.
Speaker 2 (42:51):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (42:53):
I've been learning about, you know, golden children and the
difficulties that they say, and it's.
Speaker 2 (43:04):
It's amazing.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
I love talk about mental health and how we can
improve on ourselves. And you know, a validation when when
people keep suppressing their feelings, it's not it's not good
and it's been proven it's not good for your your
(43:26):
health at all.
Speaker 3 (43:29):
And I act in with yeah, you're locked in them
with depression and anxiety you're locked them out with addictions
if you're not able to share your feelings. And again,
I teach my clients. I teach my clients uncomfortable conversations,
if they've done in a healthy way, will bring closeness
to those around you and will heal your inner wounds.
(43:51):
But they're uncomfortable. Got to remember that you may not
want to do them. I teach my clients how to
have those uncomfort conversations, how to be empathetic, how to
start the conversation right, how to put boundaries down. All
of these little trinkets are the way we can have conversations,
get out our feelings and here the other person's feelings.
(44:14):
But you're right, it's very difficult for those that aren't
used to.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
It, that's true, and especially our generations not used to it.
Even you know, the generation of my parents did not
talk about it. You didn't talk about anything. I wasn't
even allowed to ask questions about a deceased relatives. You
(44:42):
didn't talk about the deceased or you know, or how
you felt. And it's sad, like my brother died in
twenty twenty one, and when I would ask my mom,
you know, how she was doing and about you know,
(45:03):
sadistic grief counseling. She bit my head off and Thomas,
she said to me, and now it's business how I feel.
Speaker 2 (45:10):
I keep it to myself.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
And I was thinking, okay, but how how sad that
you won't I was thinking to myself, how sad that
you won't go for help? That you think that that's
airing your dirty laundry. But that's how we grew.
Speaker 3 (45:28):
Up, oh man, not airing your dirty entry because they
felt like they want to be judged. And that's giving
the people power to dictate how you feel about yourself.
Absolutely at.
Speaker 1 (45:46):
Thomas, you such a gem to talk to. How can
people uh contact you? Join one of your groups, get
coaching or you know, counseling through Umia Bayou.
Speaker 3 (46:05):
So if you want to listen to my podcast again
on Spotify iTunes, you could put in the problem was me,
The problem was me on research And if you want
to join one of my I do have a couple
of openings for them. You could contact me on my
webs on my email which is Thomas Jaguiano G A
(46:26):
G L I A n O NJ after that New
Jersey NJ at gmail dot com and my website is
the Problem with Me dot com and I have some
interesting interviews on the air with serious radio with different videos. Yeah,
(46:48):
so feel free, browse and have fun.
Speaker 1 (46:52):
I highly recommend everyone to go on Silence's website and
to uh listen to your podcast and your videos because
you give out some great, great advice and I enjoyed
I listened to you.
Speaker 2 (47:11):
And where can people purchase your books? I know they're
on Amazon.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
They could purchase. Yeah, they could go to Amazon and
purchase The Problem with Me. That's my best selling book
on Amazon. Uh. And they could also purchase Don't Put
your Crap and Your Kids Dive on Amazon as well. Yes,
and uh, I hope you enjoy and please if you
do purchase my books, you have any comments, good or dad,
(47:38):
I'd love to hear them, send them to my email.
I'm always looking to find to my skills, so that
would be great.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
Well, thank you for being a guest Thomas. Folks who
heard Thomas Gankleano is so his last name g A
G l I A And oh and just thank you.
I love having mental health people on talking about mental health.
(48:11):
Nothing to be ashamed of, folks, And all the information
about Thomas Gagliano will be in the blog that Jenie
White writes.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
Station manager produces the.
Speaker 1 (48:23):
Show, and I want to thank you all for listening
and subscribing if you don't already, Chatty with Betsy is
for free on Spotify, Speaker, Amazon Music, Apple, to name
a few, and I want to help as many people
as possible. I have experts on Thomas Gagliano is a great,
(48:45):
excellent resource. Get to know him, listen to him.
Speaker 2 (48:51):
I was inspired. Actually, I think one of your videos.
I forgot which one it was, Thomas good it was
last year. I listened to it.
Speaker 1 (48:57):
I was yelling here, Yeah, that's right, Thomas, and I enjoyed,
enjoy listening to you. And I always want to thank
everyone for listening and subscribing, and please share this podcast
to help other people. I want to help other people.
(49:20):
That's what I'm here for, it's what Thomas is here for.
And you can help by sharing this podcast and letting
other people know about it, because I think nowadays everyone
is struggling with something and people need support, and they're
looking for support, they're looking for support systems. So let's
(49:41):
share our knowledge of resources and that will that helps people.
And I forgot to say the disclaimer in the beginning,
so I'll say it now. The views of the guest
may not represent those are the hosts of the station.
And as they always say at the end of my show,
you could follow me on Facebook.
Speaker 2 (50:02):
Betsy E.
Speaker 1 (50:02):
Worzel w r z e L was support group hashtag
kick Alzheimer's ass movement on Facebook for caregivers. And as
I always end my show with, in the world that
you could be anything, shine your light, be kind and
we need it now more than ever. This is Betsy Worzel.
(50:26):
You're a host of Chatting with Betsy Patrick, Rolltalk Radio Network,
a subsidiary of Global Media Network LLC.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
Chat with you soon, Bye bye now.
Hello, everyone, this is Betsy Wershal. You're a host of
Chatting with Betsy on Pastior Rold Talk Radio Network, a
subsidiary of Global Media Network LLC. I am mantrance to
educate and lay in and entertain, and as always, I
have a phenomenal guest with me today and my guest
(00:23):
is extra exceptional because he is in New Jersey and
I always love to interview people from New Jersey. That's
my home safe, that's where I live, and I think
people should know about resources that are in New Jersey.
(00:43):
For my audience who does live in New Jersey, and
even those who don't live in New Jersey, you could
gain much information. Because my guest today is Thomas Gotgliano
and he is a best selling author has two books
out and I just love the.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Name of them.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
The first book, The Problem was Me, how To and
Negative Self Talk, and I think that's the book that
everyone could benefit from. And the newest book, I love
this title, Don't put crap in your kids diaper. The
cleanup costs can last a lifetime. Thomas Gagliano is also
(01:26):
a keynote speaker relationship expert. He has a master's degree
in social work, a bachelor's degree in marketing. And I
want to welcome Thomas Atleana to chatting with that thing.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Welcome Thomas, thank you very much, thank you for having
me on.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Oh you are welcome. As my pleasure. I have to
tell you. I love the names of your book, your titles.
I'll start the first book, how did you come up
with that?
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Time? And I love it? And I love it.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
I would sayd how to end negive self talk because
a lot of people will me, including need to read
something like that.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Well, you know, my books are always predicated on childhood messages,
and I believe that childhood messages impact every part of
our life, to the intimacy we have, the careers, we choose,
the roles we play, even have parenting skills. And I realized,
coming from a tough child, they're coming from an abusive childhood.
(02:32):
I had a lot of negative self talk. I talk
about my book. I talk about this fictitious character called
the warden that sat on my shoulder, always sabotaged my happiness.
I always told me I wasn't good enough, and I
had to get to the point where it had to
challenge that fictitious character called the warden. And I had
to allow myself to have very positive messages in my
(02:56):
life because I believe that childhood messages are Lucia tsunamia,
negative thoughts, ideas called police voices that will carry throughout
our life, and as we stop them, we challenge them.
And I'm not knocking parents down. You know, there's some
messages that parents give us that are very positive, very healthy,
but there's also some messages that we have to kind
of challenge sometimes and identify and see if they're really
(03:19):
helping us. So I came up with the problem with me,
and in my book they talk about my life story
and how I felt many people stop sabotaging their happiness,
take their life to a new level, and start to
talk positive about themselves, celebrating their victories, not always running
to the lemmas. So that's a little bit of what
I try to talk about in my book. The problem was.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Me, I love that timent. I'm going to just yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
I was sure with my audience. I'm a huge mental
health advocate, and I said on my so many times
I came from an emotionally abusive childhood and I had
to finally flip my script and I didn't do that
till the age of sixty. I'm sixty seven, and it's
never too late to change your story that someone else
(04:12):
told you that you were my father. I know he
loved me in his own way and the way that
he could love me. But he used to tell me
I was ugly all the time. And he told my
sister she was fat, And in fact, my sister said
to me, Betsy, I would feel.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Bad for you because daddy told you ugly. He just
said that I was fat.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
So when a girl grows up and thinking that she's ugly,
I think it just predisposes someone to abusive relationships or
to be so happy that someone's talking to her that
you settle for anything.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
And it took me a long time to get over that.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
Yeah, and the messages I'm not good enough. That's why
all my clients come to me is I'm not good enough.
See our parents where our gods. When we were young,
they fed us, they closed us, They showed us how
to view the world and have the world viewed us.
They're very powerful. And I talk about this thing I
(05:25):
learned in school called egocentricity, that means the world revolves
around the child. There's nothing they want more than to
matter to their parents. And one of the problems is
when we feel like we don't matter to our parents,
we won't stop loving ourselves. We won't stop loving them,
we will stop loving ourselves. And when that happens, this
(05:46):
is I deal with a lot of people that have
act out with addictions or acting the depression anxiety. When
we do that that you, we've become fragmented. What's fragmented you?
It means we develop masks. This is what I talk
about in my book Problem is Me. We show the
world when part of ourselves a mass that we think
will be accepted, but there's an inner pain we have
(06:08):
that we dare not allow others to see how we feel.
It's kind of like I say this in my book,
it's kind of like we're screaming for help, please help
me heal, but don't you dare and in a voice saying,
don't you dare get close to me because I don't
want you to see this part of me and that
fragmentation we will carry into our adult life. And what
I do in my groups is I try to help
(06:30):
my clients become too ruin the one cell. You say,
what you mean? You mean? What you say, to get
away from the fragmentation that is really hidden your true self,
believing that you're fat, or you're ugly or whatever it
is that you never want the world to see, and
you stay isolated, you stay hurt, and isolation become a
(06:52):
very comfortable place to be, but it also could be
very very It also is very toxic.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Yes, yes, as what is I mean? I coaugh now
with the irony of it is, Thomas. I never thought,
because of how self conscious I am, of how I look,
I never thought I would be on social media. So
when I went in my car to do videos about
(07:23):
breaking the mids of Alzheimer's and talk about caregiving, way
before anyone else went in their car to do it.
I did this like eight years ago. People set, I'll
back to your brave, and you know, you're saying things
that I would say, and I'm like, no, I'm not brave.
You don't even know what it took for me to
put myself out there and people looking at me, you know,
(07:47):
I know they're looking at me as the view of
my video, and I said, I was just mad at
the healthcare system and I had to use my anger
and a post positive ways that became a passion to
advocate and to reach out to people, and you know
(08:09):
which led me to where I am today, and Thomas,
to be honest with you, I'm very honest with my
audience and my guests. I still struggle, well, am I
good enough? Am I good enough to talk to this
guest or that guest? And you know, uh, the audience
think or the guests think.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I mean, it's a it's a.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
It's a struggle still about you know what? As I saying, Oh,
I faced my fears and do it anyway us dangerous?
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Yep, that's how powerful a corbous green dinner and they
last a lifetime. And we have to sometimes get positive
messages from others. This is what I have in my group,
So we'll want to go text with each other. And
sometimes when they can't hear anything positive within themselves, they
need to solicit be helpful the group in order to
feel better about themselves. I'm a fellowship guy and a
(09:04):
recovering addict.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
You know.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
For me, my real centricity was when my father was
out drinking and gambling all the time at a young
age at eight nine years old. I never said she
my father suffers from alcoholism, at eight nine, I said,
what's the matter with me? Something's got to be wrong
with me, or my father wouldn't be doing this. My
father wouldn't be saying I'm ogly or fat or whatever.
At a young age, ego centricity takes over. We don't
(09:28):
have enough brain development to understand that it's our parents issue,
not ours, And this is what gets ingrained in us.
You know. I remember a story where my son, my
youngest son, we were watching a baseball game and he said, Dad,
how come the kids in the stand meats so hard
for their favorite baseball player? And I said, well, that
baseball player is the heroes. And he says, at eight
(09:51):
and nine, and he's thinking about what I said. He said,
you know, Dad, they may be my first hero. I mean,
they may be my hero, but you're always going to
be my first hero. We are at parents, we are
at children's first heroes. We want that responsibility or not.
That's just the way it is. And when I knew
what was down, there's profound effects on us throughout our life.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
That's very true.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
It. You know, if you try to get your parents' approval,
well I stopped.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
I knew I was never going to get it. And
so when they finally did that was.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
Later on in life, but early on, yeah, early.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
On, yeh, later on.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
We want that more than anything.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Right, Yeah, that's true, and I would you know, I
was shocked when my father or my mother would tell
me that they were proud of me. I really wanted
And to this day, Thomas, when I got a compliment
from someone, I cry. It touches me deeply, not in
(11:04):
a bad way and a good way. It touches me
to know that I helped someone, and that's very powerful,
you know. Getting podsitive feedback is so powerful, you know,
and people think, you know, like you're a keynote speaker.
(11:26):
I do my show and people think, oh, you know,
they don't need any encouragement. If we do, I'll say
it for myself, Yeah, we do.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Maybe once in a while.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
It just lets us know that, you know that to
make a difference is very touching. To hear your second book, I.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Like to know how you come up with.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
The title Don't put crap in your kids diaper. The
clean car lift.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
True, it's called true, it's called don't put it's called
don't put your crap in your kids diaper. So the
urine there that's.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Oh, don't put crap in your kids diapers?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Did I say that?
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Okay, that's okay, okay, but yes, yeah, I mean it's hard.
Our kids are born. Yeah, our kids are born, and
we want the best for them. But sometimes we put
our fears in the diaper, We put our our resentments
for others in their diaper. We put a lot of
other things in their diaper that really they don't need.
(12:38):
And that's part of what I talk about that each
parent should and I go through over different stages, but
each parents should really get help for themselves, monitor their
in a critic, talk about the things that they need
to work on in order to give their children the
best messages that they can give their children. We all
(12:58):
love our children, but I've had client and say they
rush in and always fix their children's messes, and they
don't let their children develop healthy coping mechanisms where they
learn how to get out of their own messages. And
then these kids get to a certain age and they
don't know how to deal with life, and they go
back and they're really they're frustrated, they're angry, They acting
(13:19):
with depressions, act out with addictions because they have never
learned coping mechanisms. Now, don't get me wrong, when the
kids are in impending danger, we always have to take
care of our children. But when our children get into
little message in their life, talk to them early on
what do they think they should do. Let them develop
coping mechanisms, because if a child grows up without coping mechanisms,
(13:43):
they're not going to be able to handle the world.
And that's what I tell some parents. And many times
a parent will come to me and say, I don't
understand it. Jamie or Susan is so mad at me,
and I was always there taking care of all their problems.
Well that's why they're mad at you, because they don't
know how to deal with their own problems when they
get older.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Yeah, that I can definitely say that.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
When I came to my mom I was being bullied
in seventh grade and she.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Was I'll just smile or at your imagination. You're just
imagining that. No, I wasn't imagining it.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
It was real, and I just you know, didn't get
any support. And I you know, say it on the
show that when you cut off communication with your children
and they can't come to you, they're going to go
to other sources, and they may not be sources that
you want them to go to.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
No, No, you never want for sure, you never want
your children to solicit the wrong people. And it's one
of the things I told about my book, and that
is to create a safe place for your child so
they could talk to you about their feelings. If you
always have to be right, if you don't validate their feelings,
a child that feels like their feelings are not validated
(15:04):
will feel like they're not validated, and eventually they're going
to have to get that void filled. And you don't
want them to go to the wrong people. I could
hear my children's feelings. I don't have to agree with it,
but I can hear it, I can valid it. I
hear you, I hear how you feel because the child
needs to know that the feelings are important. Now, I'm
not telling anybody out there to be their child's best friend,
(15:26):
because that's what people think. No, you give your child consequences,
but consequences on the actually they take. If they don't
clean their room, they can't play with their toys the
next day. If they don't come home at a certain time,
they can't go out the next day. Children need boundaries.
Boundaries is love, boundaries, teaching them that these things they
can and can't do in their life. It's very important.
(15:46):
But at the same time, we really have to make
sure that we're validating their feelings.
Speaker 4 (15:52):
It's very important, absolutely, and I definitely make sure that
with my son and talking about his feelings.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
And I mean, this could be a whole other show.
But when.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
My son, Josh, who has a cognit of disability, he
was great with his dad. He was great being a
caregiver with his father, and he understood and they had
a very strong connection. And when my husband died, I
let Josh grief, I let him tell me, even during caregiving,
(16:34):
how he felt. And Thomas, you would not believe the
amount of people that say, I'm sure you do because
you're in this field, well be strong, be strong for
your mom, or be strong for Josh.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
And I'm like, no, don't tell us to be strong.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
We've been strong. That's not helpful to say that to someone.
And you you know, I mean, we're human beings. And
I think that children, especially facing an illness of a parent,
they need to be able to event.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
How they feel. Hey, the sucks. Well, I don't like it.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
Yeah, well, I will tell you something very important that
I have learned. And my son taught me this and
it came at a liter League game where he was
the best picture on his team. Unfortunately that day he
did not have his the plate. He walked people, and
(17:39):
he lost the game and he struggled. He was really
in a bad place. And I remember walking over to
him and in the dugout with his friends, and I
was thinking, like, what can I say to him? Should
I put on my therapist hat and ask him how
he's feeling. Should I put on my picture coach had
(18:00):
and tell them let me help you with your delivery.
And when I got to the dugout, if you made
any thing happened was he looked at me with his
friends all over there, and he said, Dad, I want
a hug. That's all I wanted was a hug. Not
a pitching coach, not a therapist who wanted a hug.
And that's what I tell parents, when you see your
(18:22):
child suffering, stop and pause for a minute. Think about
what you would have wanted as a child at that
age if you were suffering the same way. Whether somebody
passed on, whether you just blew it, up game in
a pitching game, whether you had your aw broken or
you fell the pest, think about what you would have
(18:43):
wanted your parents to say. Let that compassion guy, what
you say and the way you say it. And I
think I tell this the parents in my book, don't
put your crap in your kids diaper. Pause for a minute,
don't jump in see the problem.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
We haven't. I had it too.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
I understand what will see our children in pain? We
want to take the pain away right away. We want
to relieve them of the pain. Well, guess what life
is walking through the pain, not escaping it. So what
we do see our children in pain? Just pause and
say if that happened to me, the kid, what would
I want for my parents? That that compassion guy, that
(19:21):
you say and the way you say. And that's another
another thing that I say in my book that I
think is very important for parents to understand.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Now, that is important. That's so sweet that your son
just wanted a hug. He just wanted that reassurance. You know, Oh,
maybe I didn't do as well as I thought that
you still love me, you know, And you.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
Know what, there's plenty of time for me to go
over his pitching, delivery, and go over all the other
things that I thought he needed at that time. But
as I go back to what I said originally, and
we are our children's hero, he wanted a hug. That's
what he wanted. That's all he wanted at that particular time.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I love that sometimes, you know, I think that's all
people want as a hug.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
As you know, when I was talking about grieving five
years ago, people didn't want to hear it. Now people
are saying the same things that I'm saying. It's like
some people just want someone to listen to and that
your child, and they just want you to listen to
them and give them a hug. They don't want you
(20:44):
to fix it. Some things can't be fixed. Death of
the loved one can't be said. But to deal with
the problems is so very important. There's a lot and
that's going to be coming now, you know, with children,
(21:04):
young adults being caregivers as people age and having to
deal with that. And I've talked to children. They were
children and then you know, became adults and they were
caregiving and they's a lot of us felt like they
had no one to talk to. They were stressed and
(21:27):
that's yeah. Back with therapy was a thag.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
And I talk to people that have children that have
depressions and have have anxiety, and I tell them, look,
sometimes you have to just say what do you need
from me? How could I help you? There's no fixing,
there's no telling them what they need to do. When
somebody is that hurt inside and absolutely paralyzed, you're telling
(21:54):
them to do things they can't do. So the best
thing to do is just to meet them where they're at.
How can I help you? What can I do for you?
Is there anything I could do for you? Because if
you're asking them to do something that they can't do,
not knowingly, you're pushing them away. I know you don't
mean that, but that's that's really what happens when you're
(22:17):
asking somebody to do something that they're not capable of doing.
And that's what's really important when it comes to dealing
with people that have depression and anxiety. We all want
to fix people, that's our nature, but sometimes we got
to relinquish it need to fix them and meet them
where they're at. That's the best thing we could do
(22:37):
for them at that point.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
Yes, And I like your opinion Thomas.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
When a child goes to a parent and says, mom, dad,
I'm depressed.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
I'm sad.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Like I did many years ago, and being told oh,
you're nothing to be sad, are depressed about it doesn't
help the child, I think acknowledge.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
Yeah, Basically, the message is you're stupid. Something going with you.
How dare you complain about that? The problem is you.
Instead of being empathetic and saying I'm sorry that you're hurting,
how can I help you? What can I do to
help you? To acknowledge their pain, instead of telling them basically,
like you were told that something must be wrong with you,
(23:29):
how could you be hurt? And that's that's not a
positive message to give the children that are suffering. I'll
deal with somebody that has it's more fear and they'll
look in the mirror and they'll look at themselves and
they'll say either they're fat, or they're ugly or whatever. Now,
if you go to that person and say to them,
that's ridiculous, you're pretty, you're not fat, you're telling them
(23:52):
that they can't see reality. That's something's wrong with them again.
Instead of doing that to say I hear you, how
can I help you, what can I do to help you?
Do people always try to fix and I did the
same thing. I'm not judging anybody, but we can't fix
something that we have no control over or power over
(24:14):
over mature. The best thing to do is to meet
the people where they're at and just again ask them,
how can I help you? What could I do to
help you? That's the best thing you could tell somebody
now when you have their confidence that they feel you
really hear them, They're so much more prone to take
direction or help when they believe that you understand them,
(24:38):
that you feel them.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Yes, that is so very important. I can tell you
in the caregiving world that I'm still part of and
still I still am the caregiver. As caregivers just want
someone to listen to them, not necessar there we fix
(25:01):
you know, the situation because it can't be fixed, but
just to listen without judgment and that, you know, just
holding space for someone to say, you know, I'm here
for you. I have a shoulder you want to cry on,
lean on a hug, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
How can I support you instead of.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
You know, running in the other direction or telling them,
you know, snap out of it. If it was so
easy to snap out of depression. People people would be
doing that. Some people need professional help, and some people
might need medication.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
Yes, right right, that's and that's exactly as I said.
I'm a recovering addict, and I realize how important fellowship is.
We can't sometimes you can't do for ourselves what others
can do for us. And to have a support that's
what I key on my groups and from my groups.
A lot of the wives of the men's groups Free
(26:07):
I facilitate came to me and said, what did you
do with my husband? He's a different person. He so
he just so much more pathetic intu Then I got
into couples consultations, and then from couples consultations, I got
into childhood. I want to bring you my childhood the president.
So God has brought me in a lot of different ways,
(26:27):
Betsy that I never thought I started to do this. Really,
I got away from the world of business, and I
really wanted to help others and stuff that as I
had from tough childhoods, and I wanted to help people
give their children healthy and positive messages kind of di
I didn't get as a child. And then God kind
of brought me all this way and stuff, and that's
when I started to speak. I was on Doctor Oza,
(26:49):
did a lot of speaking engagements until COVID kind of
put a kebash on everything. But that's okay, that's the
way it is. Yep.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
You know, I found uh Thomas And when I've spoken
to many people over these few years I'm doing my show,
and that is whether they were caregivers or they came
from a difficult childhood, they found a way to be
(27:19):
victorious and they want to help other people and they
want to support people which they didn't have that when
they were when they needed it, and they come up
with the business or they invent something.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
I just find that.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
People who have experienced something such as you know, the
caregiving or you're covering addicts, they understand it's not book knowledge,
just book knowledge, it's you know, it's walking through that life.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And that makes you more.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Understanding what you said a mouthful, Betsy. Because I have
my massage of doing social work, I have a sex,
drug and alcohol, and I'm not telling you in all
those areas that I didn't learn a lot. I learned
from ericson and when I went from a Masster's degree
in social work I learned a lot, but there's nothing
that helped me more help people than overcoming my own experiences.
(28:16):
When I do my podcast, and anybody could listen to
my podcasts on Spotify or iTunes if they put in
the problems me in a search bar. When I do
my podcast, I get loads of emails saying, Tom, you're
talking about me, You're talking about my husband. Oh my god,
I can't believe you know how you've helped me with
(28:37):
your podcast, because that is not what I talk about
from school learning that's overcoming my own experiences. There's nothing
I could read in school that can help me understand
the true pain of a covering addict, the true grieving
process when they're trying to get sober. There's nothing that
can help me more, nothing that's helped them more than
(28:59):
overcoming my own experiences and understand exactly how they feel.
And I can't read that in books, and I can't
read that in certificates. That's something that I know myself,
and that's why my petcast have been very popular. That's
why I have I have clients in my groups from Canada, Israel, California, Florida,
(29:21):
all over the place because they feel like I understand
how they really feel. And that's the key in any
anything we do with clients. When we get them that
they could stop and say, wow, this guy, this woman
really understands how I feel. Then they trust you enough
that if you give them direction, they're willing to take it.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
That's very true. That is so true.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
I've even had people say, Betsy, you know what, before
I became a caregiver, I didn't really understand what my
clients are going through. Now that I'm went through it,
I'm learning standing of what they were facing. And now
they're better at their their job because they are more
(30:10):
understanding and said, you're recovering addict. So I want to
ask you this time is because I know this has
been said so many times. Well, we don't validate our
feelings that were hurt feelings. We do try to nun
them either it's alcohol, drugs, stecks, compulsive shopping instead of
(30:37):
facing our feelings. And it's hard to face our feelings
and how we feel.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
And especially if you grew up, Betsy, in a childhood
where your parents didn't know how to face their own feelings.
We don't discomfort, We don't have to regulator discomfort. We
don't have to deal with conflict. So we run fight
or flight. Either run away or we get angry when
(31:03):
anybody gets close to any feelings. And that's the problem
is we never learned. It's not that old. We didn't
have a version of intimacy from our parents that taught
us that. We had parents that either ran away, got
angry with, drew shut down. So it's hard to learn
to learn how to do that. I teach my clients,
(31:25):
you know, instead of running from the feelings, regulate them,
you know, as a recovering add it. Every feeling I had,
I always throwed a horrible ending. Was going to come
to the story that I awfulized everything in my life.
That's something bare was going to happen. That's not true.
But that's what I learned, and that's how I acted
from what I learned. So we have to learn to
regulate those feelings. Don't understand that feelings are not bad,
(31:48):
but where you come from it toil childhood. You don't
want to feel where you feel, You want to run away,
shut down, act doubt, whatever it is, food, drinking, drugs,
whatever it is, or you act in with depressure, isolation,
and really it's not our fault. Now, we're not responsible
for the childhood that we had, but I believe we're
(32:11):
responsible for healing that or we're going to pay the bill.
We're not gonna have Ah.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
It's true that, as you said, golden nuggets right there,
we have to want to confront our demons whatever you
want to call them, and make ours improve ourselves. I mean,
I you can. Someone could go to therapy, but they
have to do the work. The therapist isn't going to
(32:40):
do the work for you. Uh, you have to do
the work and go ahead.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
There's two kinds of willingness I find with my clients.
What is the willingness to get help. That's going to
places that can help you could be twelve steps, the therapist,
it could be any a priest, a rabbi, a bishop.
But then the second one is much harder it See,
that's the willingness to take direction. That's the willingness to
(33:08):
take the steps that you may not feel like taking,
you may not trust they're going to work. That's really
the piece that will get in my opinion, that gets
my clients to really heal and get better. I have
clients that come to me they're like unhappy whatever. But
they're not willing to take directions. They want to keep
(33:29):
doing what they always did and they're always going to
get what they always got. So that's part of the problem,
is the two willingnesses to get help. That's the first piece.
But then the second piece is are you willing to
take direction? That's the tough one.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
That's very true. I took a self help course a
few years ago.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
And it really helped me tremendously and that started up
my road to self improvement.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
And you know, is it easy to to change patterns?
Speaker 1 (34:08):
No, it's not, but it's worth it to improve yourself.
And when we were growing up, Thomas, you know, mental
health wasn't addressed, it wasn't talked about. People did not
go to see, you know, a social worker or a
counselor psychologist, and if they did, it was you know, hushed, hushed,
(34:32):
And it's it takes a lot of courage on someone's
part to seek support and help, especially absolutely if you
were going to be made fun of because of it.
Speaker 4 (34:49):
Uh, that's aside these messages, that's society's messages.
Speaker 3 (34:55):
When I was on series Radio J McCarthy and all
of these to let and they had it all backwards.
They thought you were a wimp if you were especially
a guy, if you seek help. And I used to
tell him, you got that backwards. It takes courage to
go to somebody and work on yourself. You got that
all backwards. I always on the show with one of
(35:18):
the guys that did this, I forget his name, used
to do on his the one of the channels on
cable used to renovate homes. I don't know who he was.
And after we I was on serious radio with him.
I think it was the Jenny McCarthy would wake up
with tailor John full Sign, whatever was. He came to
me afterwards and he said, you know, I never thought
(35:39):
about that I had this backwards. I thought you were
a wind that she got help. The reality was it
takes courage to get help. I said, now you got
it right. So this is the problem with a lot
about society. And you got this backwards. When when people
my clients bring their children to me, I helped their children.
But many people afraid if I bring my children to
(36:00):
get help, you're going to be telling them what a
bad parent I am. Well, you know, at the end
of the day, give you children a courage, show them
that you're willing to work on yourself. It's the best
message you give your kids.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Yes, excuse me, I agree one hundred percent. And I
feel Thomas that in society needs to change their way
of thinking. I've been a mental health advocate for many,
many years. I talked about mental health long before I
(36:37):
even had a show, and I think that COVID brought
mental health to the forefront, more made it more acceptable
than it was to get support, and it should have
always been acceptable and it should not be frowned upon.
(36:58):
I think, especially with boys grown up to be men,
I think we need to give our boys, our sons,
the space to be able to show their feelings and
a constructive environment instead of saying, oh stop crying, man up,
(37:19):
you know, stuck it up back in my.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
Tribal if you have dads and fathers like my father,
who when I showed feelings, my father used to call
me this little girl. Whenever I show a feelings, we said,
come on, little girl. That message. And still to this day,
as you said, you still have childhood messages. I still
(37:42):
have an issue crying and feeling my feelings till to
this day because I feel that there's something deep inside
of me that says I have to be defective I
show those feelings or if I cry. And again, that
message is very powerful in me. And it's because my
dad used to call me little girl if I should
feel motions. So, you know, we have to stop this messaging.
(38:05):
We have to. And it's amazing when my clients, when
the guys show their wife into machine mobility whatever, their
wives love it. They're like, oh, give me more of that.
But the guys are the ones that are saying, I
feel like I'm doing something wrong. This is the ingrained
(38:25):
core beliefs that many men suffer.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
Yeah, I think especially in my time. You know, I
grew up in the sixties and seventies. My dad was
a world worth event, you know, so you you know,
you didn't My father saw crying as a weakness and
even in school, Thomas, as you cried, you were made
(38:50):
fun of.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
Cry baby, I have seen as a weakness.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Even girls were made to feel.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Ashamed for crying.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
So I was always a sense of soul and I was,
you know, put down for being a cry you know,
cry baby. And so for me to show my feelings,
it's really difficult. But then you know what as I
began to accept myself and even on some shows that
(39:21):
are highly emotional for me depending on the topic matter,
I don't apologize, Thomas if I cry on my podcast,
if it's such an emotional subject.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
For me, I don't apologize for who I am anymore.
Speaker 3 (39:33):
No, would you challenged that. You challenged it. You found
out that that message you received was this functional message,
and you challenged it. And many people don't do that.
And that's what I as key on. What messages did
you receive in your childhood that need to be challenged?
(39:54):
How was that becoming yourself fully prophecy? And that's what's
very important. The challenge stun the messages. But you see,
one of the problems that I find with clients is
they don't want to look at their parents to a
bad life. They just don't want to do that. And
the problem with that is if I don't look at
(40:15):
what messages I need to challenge, I can't heal it.
If I don't have the awareness to know what actions
to take, I won't take the actions. And that's what
I talk about my book too, the three teams self awareness,
action and maintenance. Without self awareness, I don't know what
actions to take, and without action, it's nothing to maintain.
If we're going to heal, we need healthy habits until
(40:40):
we feel like they work, like it's part of who
we are today. But healthy habits will not come right away.
You have to take those actions first until they've become
healthy habits. And before you take those actions, you got
to have self awareness. You got to be able to say,
you know, I know my mom and dad loved me,
but when they told me this, it wasn't healthy. If
(41:02):
I don't have that self awareness, I'm never going to
choose healthy actions.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
That is very, very true, Thomas, that that is golden
nugget right there that you said. And I'll tell you what,
from a personal point of view, it's not easy.
Speaker 2 (41:24):
It's hard. It's really hard to say, you know what.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
This is how I was treated and to overcome that. Now,
I'll give you an example. I was the scapegoat my family.
I was blinding for everything. So I still sometimes think, oh,
that was my that's my fault, or that that's my fault.
And that's why I always tend to want to fix
people and fix things. It was so ingrained in my family, Thomas,
(41:53):
that I was a scapegoat that when I found out
diagnosis about my son, my younger.
Speaker 2 (42:00):
Mother hold me up and had a nerve to say
to me, what did you do wrong?
Speaker 3 (42:07):
Exactly?
Speaker 2 (42:08):
Can you? You know?
Speaker 1 (42:10):
So why somebody would even say that to someone's be
on my comprehension. But broken himself, yes, yeah, yeah, he
was a golden child.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
Yeah, in his way, he was broken himself, and even
golden child's we think that the golden child was a
luckier one. But at the end of the day, many
golden child golden children also stuff for consequences because the
world doesn't treat them like golden children, and when they
get around the world and they're not the center of
(42:45):
everybody's life, they don't know how to handle it.
Speaker 2 (42:51):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (42:53):
I've been learning about, you know, golden children and the
difficulties that they say, and it's.
Speaker 2 (43:04):
It's amazing.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
I love talk about mental health and how we can
improve on ourselves. And you know, a validation when when
people keep suppressing their feelings, it's not it's not good
and it's been proven it's not good for your your
(43:26):
health at all.
Speaker 3 (43:29):
And I act in with yeah, you're locked in them
with depression and anxiety you're locked them out with addictions
if you're not able to share your feelings. And again,
I teach my clients. I teach my clients uncomfortable conversations,
if they've done in a healthy way, will bring closeness
to those around you and will heal your inner wounds.
(43:51):
But they're uncomfortable. Got to remember that you may not
want to do them. I teach my clients how to
have those uncomfort conversations, how to be empathetic, how to
start the conversation right, how to put boundaries down. All
of these little trinkets are the way we can have conversations,
get out our feelings and here the other person's feelings.
(44:14):
But you're right, it's very difficult for those that aren't
used to.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
It, that's true, and especially our generations not used to it.
Even you know, the generation of my parents did not
talk about it. You didn't talk about anything. I wasn't
even allowed to ask questions about a deceased relatives. You
(44:42):
didn't talk about the deceased or you know, or how
you felt. And it's sad, like my brother died in
twenty twenty one, and when I would ask my mom,
you know, how she was doing and about you know,
(45:03):
sadistic grief counseling. She bit my head off and Thomas,
she said to me, and now it's business how I feel.
Speaker 2 (45:10):
I keep it to myself.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
And I was thinking, okay, but how how sad that
you won't I was thinking to myself, how sad that
you won't go for help? That you think that that's
airing your dirty laundry. But that's how we grew.
Speaker 3 (45:28):
Up, oh man, not airing your dirty entry because they
felt like they want to be judged. And that's giving
the people power to dictate how you feel about yourself.
Absolutely at.
Speaker 1 (45:46):
Thomas, you such a gem to talk to. How can
people uh contact you? Join one of your groups, get
coaching or you know, counseling through Umia Bayou.
Speaker 3 (46:05):
So if you want to listen to my podcast again
on Spotify iTunes, you could put in the problem was me,
The problem was me on research And if you want
to join one of my I do have a couple
of openings for them. You could contact me on my
webs on my email which is Thomas Jaguiano G A
(46:26):
G L I A n O NJ after that New
Jersey NJ at gmail dot com and my website is
the Problem with Me dot com and I have some
interesting interviews on the air with serious radio with different videos. Yeah,
(46:48):
so feel free, browse and have fun.
Speaker 1 (46:52):
I highly recommend everyone to go on Silence's website and
to uh listen to your podcast and your videos because
you give out some great, great advice and I enjoyed
I listened to you.
Speaker 2 (47:11):
And where can people purchase your books? I know they're
on Amazon.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
They could purchase. Yeah, they could go to Amazon and
purchase The Problem with Me. That's my best selling book
on Amazon. Uh. And they could also purchase Don't Put
your Crap and Your Kids Dive on Amazon as well. Yes,
and uh, I hope you enjoy and please if you
do purchase my books, you have any comments, good or dad,
(47:38):
I'd love to hear them, send them to my email.
I'm always looking to find to my skills, so that
would be great.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
Well, thank you for being a guest Thomas. Folks who
heard Thomas Gankleano is so his last name g A
G l I A And oh and just thank you.
I love having mental health people on talking about mental health.
(48:11):
Nothing to be ashamed of, folks, And all the information
about Thomas Gagliano will be in the blog that Jenie
White writes.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
Station manager produces the.
Speaker 1 (48:23):
Show, and I want to thank you all for listening
and subscribing if you don't already, Chatty with Betsy is
for free on Spotify, Speaker, Amazon Music, Apple, to name
a few, and I want to help as many people
as possible. I have experts on Thomas Gagliano is a great,
(48:45):
excellent resource. Get to know him, listen to him.
Speaker 2 (48:51):
I was inspired. Actually, I think one of your videos.
I forgot which one it was, Thomas good it was
last year. I listened to it.
Speaker 1 (48:57):
I was yelling here, Yeah, that's right, Thomas, and I enjoyed,
enjoy listening to you. And I always want to thank
everyone for listening and subscribing, and please share this podcast
to help other people. I want to help other people.
(49:20):
That's what I'm here for, it's what Thomas is here for.
And you can help by sharing this podcast and letting
other people know about it, because I think nowadays everyone
is struggling with something and people need support, and they're
looking for support, they're looking for support systems. So let's
(49:41):
share our knowledge of resources and that will that helps people.
And I forgot to say the disclaimer in the beginning,
so I'll say it now. The views of the guest
may not represent those are the hosts of the station.
And as they always say at the end of my show,
you could follow me on Facebook.
Speaker 2 (50:02):
Betsy E.
Speaker 1 (50:02):
Worzel w r z e L was support group hashtag
kick Alzheimer's ass movement on Facebook for caregivers. And as
I always end my show with, in the world that
you could be anything, shine your light, be kind and
we need it now more than ever. This is Betsy Worzel.
(50:26):
You're a host of Chatting with Betsy Patrick, Rolltalk Radio Network,
a subsidiary of Global Media Network LLC.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
Chat with you soon, Bye bye now.
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