467 Confidence, Chaos & Co-Parenting: Lessons in Growth with K. Micole

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
Check one two, check one two. Is this Mike on?
Is this Mike oning?

Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey?

Speaker 2 (00:06):
Listen, man, it's the one and only Trunks that.

Speaker 1 (00:08):
The DJ sis and you're listening to cocktails Dirty Discussions
with Kikia Medina Monroe here.

Speaker 3 (00:19):
Today's cocktail is just another simple glass of champagne. We're
just two simple girls here this week, So enjoy a
glass of your favorite champagne. We are drinking unruly and
it is. It's tasty, y'all. It's nice and crisp. Feels
like a nice summer evening.

Speaker 4 (00:37):
Even though it's getting cold. I sound mad about it.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
And he's getting chili.

Speaker 3 (00:40):
One day is chili, then it's hot, then it's chili,
then it's hot, and pretty soon it'll just be cold.

Speaker 2 (00:44):
How are you feeling about that?

Speaker 4 (00:45):
Depressed?

Speaker 1 (00:46):
Why?

Speaker 4 (00:47):
I don't want it to be cold?

Speaker 5 (00:48):
Seasonal depression is very real for me, and I'm trying
to fight it. I was trying to fight it early.
Maybe that was not the best plan. We'll try again
next year, y'all. Keep me in your prayers.

Speaker 2 (00:57):
Okay. I have a fireplace in my new place, and
I'm I'm.

Speaker 3 (01:00):
So excited about I'm ready put up a Christmas Tree.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
I know early, but.

Speaker 4 (01:07):
That's all right. Do what you want to do. It
is your place, have fun and make it comfortable and cozy.
I wanted one of those like electric ones so I
wouldn't burn the place down, but I didn't.

Speaker 1 (01:16):
It's not too late anyway.

Speaker 5 (01:17):
Welcome back to Cocktails Dirty Discussions, you guys. I'm peaky said.

Speaker 2 (01:22):
So hey, y'all, I'm Medina Monroe.

Speaker 4 (01:24):
Real quick, we do have another guest this week. I'm
so sorry that we haven't gotten to your advice, but
that means.

Speaker 5 (01:28):
You have a little bit more time to send your
advice emails in Remember the advice email.

Speaker 4 (01:33):
Is advice at cocktails pod dot com.

Speaker 5 (01:35):
And if you have a really good cocktail, I don't
want none of the bullshit. But if you got a
good one, embarrassing, nasty, We're sad, romantic, luxurious, send it
cocktails at cocktails pod dot com. I want to remind
you guys, we are quickly approaching. I'm battling a sneeze.
Excuse me, I'm not rubbing my nose because I'm like

(01:59):
some people who are doing the things. Anyway, we are
approaching December December thirteenth through the eighteenth I will be
in the Grill, Jamaica at Hedonism Too Resort. We're going
to have a blast. Is an all inclusive trip. They
still have double rooms and might even have some triple rooms.
I'm not sure might even have single rooms, but I'm

(02:20):
pretty sure those are sold out. If you are looking
to let go and release and just like have a
time where you don't have to worry about nothing, you.

Speaker 4 (02:27):
Don't have to pack too much, go ahead and sign
up for the tour.

Speaker 5 (02:31):
I mean not the tour, the trip. It is worst
Behavior tour dot com. There's a link in the description box.
If you have questions about the trip or anything like that,
please hit me up. I would be happy to answer
any of your questions. I'll be there the thirteenth through
the eighteenth. It is going to be a really good time.
I've talked to some of the people who are going.
I'm really excited. I don't know the things for the parties,
but there's going to be multiple parties a day. It
is an all inclusive trip. People are going to be

(02:53):
having fun and even if you are on demon time,
you can have blasts too. More questions just ask me,
But I don't want to take it up too much time.

Speaker 3 (03:01):
Okay, really quick, you guys, I'm gonna speed through this.
If you are a mother and you are looking for community,
y'all know I'm just a dog mom, but I'm always
an advocate for the mothers because there's so many around me.
I want you to stop what you're doing right now.
Follow Atthville dot atl right now on Instagram. She's putting
together so many events for moms in Atlanta to just

(03:21):
meet up and have community. Maybe you just had your baby,
Maybe you're dealing with some postpart and maybe you need
mom friends. I know that that's a thing. Maybe you
need a break from the baby, maybe need a break
from your man. You just want to be around real adults.

Speaker 2 (03:33):
Follow her. Her dinner has passed, but she does.

Speaker 3 (03:35):
She does all these different curated events every month, so
make sure you guys. Follow at Theville dot atl. Another thing,
I'm going to Thailand August fourteenth through the twentieth, twenty
twenty six. The trip is sold out. You can still
click the link and you can register and you can
get on my wait list. If anyone ends up dropping out,
you can take their place. But I'm giving one giveaway
on this trip to a special woman who is in

(03:58):
need of a getaway. Make sure you click the link
and fill out the form and you might be the winner.
If you know someone, submit them if you think they
need a break. You're like, oh my gosh, this girl
has never been out of the country and I just
wanted to experience it. Make sure you submit yourself or
your friend, and I would love to host you. Another thing.
Make sure you, guys go to Lula's Legacy of Love
Foundation dot org and support the cause of breast cancer.

(04:21):
This foundation is absolutely wonderful. They are basically supporting women
who do have breast cancer or who need to be checked,
and they don't necessarily have the funds. All of their
funds go to wigs, mammograms, I mean, whatever you can
think of. And they're supporting women of color. So make
sure you check out Lula's Legacy of Lovefoundation dot org
and I hope you can donate to the cause. Other

(04:42):
than that, that's about it for my announcements, and we
are going to dive into our show this week, y'all.

Speaker 2 (04:50):
We have my girl, Courtney mccalli.

Speaker 1 (04:53):
How are you good? How are you So?

Speaker 3 (04:57):
I met Courtney at a gala that I was honored
at the Well Within Your Reach Foundation. De Blair Tate
put this on and I was just so it was
an amazing event.

Speaker 2 (05:11):
I didn't know what to expect.

Speaker 3 (05:12):
I didn't know how or why I was picked, and
de Blair has no idea how much he changed my life.
And so that is where I met Courtney at and
it was such a great connection. We talked about you
coming on the show and yes, yes, yes, I thought
it was interesting because you call yourself an image architect,
can you explain that?

Speaker 6 (05:29):
Yes, so image architect because I actually built so I
also have my contract this license. I did that during
COVID going to because I was like, I'm going to
just flip houses. But the architect piece is is that
I actually helped build the visual pieces for any personal
brand or even a company's brand. I think oftentimes what

(05:50):
happens is everybody know what they think they want to
look like, but it's not attractive to the type of
clientele that they would like to have. So that's where
it comes from. I've been a stylist, celebrity stylist for
a number of years in the industry and just wanted
to dive a little bit deeper. So my degree is
in marketing and branding, so it kind of all this
came together.

Speaker 2 (06:10):
I love that image architect, I love that Thank you.

Speaker 4 (06:15):
What made you want to do that line of work?

Speaker 1 (06:18):
Which one all of them are.

Speaker 5 (06:20):
Yeah, like basically building people's images, whether it's an individual
or a company, like so sure people look right?

Speaker 6 (06:28):
Yes, okay. So it's a little bit more than that,
which is why I say the building piece. So I
also do transformational speaking and things like that, and I
think it's important that we build the whole person.

Speaker 1 (06:40):
I think that's really easy as a stylist.

Speaker 6 (06:43):
Or I just I'll only say I want to say
that it's easy as a stylist. Oftentimes we have to
also build pieces of the character and the confidence of
a person to get them to a place of where
they're comfortable going with a look right.

Speaker 1 (07:00):
Bless you, and so for me.

Speaker 4 (07:04):
Ignore me.

Speaker 1 (07:06):
So for me, it was wanting to do the full thing.

Speaker 6 (07:09):
I don't know if y'all remember, but like back in
the day on TV one, they used to have this
thing called Makeover Manner, and it was like mind, body,
and soul of a makeover, like talking to the people
trying to get them mentally, emotionally together physically together.

Speaker 1 (07:23):
And all of those things. So I always wanted to
do that show.

Speaker 6 (07:26):
Like I was like, oh, this would be a great show,
and so I really kind of just ran with the
idea and started doing it with people, because there are
a lot of people that have a great idea for
a brand or great things that they have to offer,
but don't know how to pitch it or don't know
how to make their brand have a story.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
And every brand has a story.

Speaker 6 (07:45):
I believe we all are walking billboards to our personal
brand and.

Speaker 3 (07:48):
Otherwise do you think that takes a certain skill set
to be able to look at someone and be like
you know.

Speaker 1 (07:54):
What, No, I definitely do. And it's crazy.

Speaker 6 (07:57):
But one of the things that's always so funny to me,
like you'd be like, oh, I love your style, Like
I'm never styling a person to look like me, right, Like,
I think that that's one of the biggest things people think, Oh, well,
you know, I want to be able to even in
my intake process, no, tell me some of the looks
that you like, let me see where you would like

(08:19):
to be right and then in there I go from
color analysis, body type, like all of the things to
make sure okay, this is something you like to look at.
Let me show you how this can work for your body,
because I think that's one of the biggest things. Everybody
like fashion or like to look nice or whatever the case,
but if you're not dressing, your body's like, yeah, it's

(08:39):
a feel from the beginning.

Speaker 3 (08:41):
Yeah, And that is it a skill set because people
when if I do want makeup really well be like,
oh my god, he do my makeup? I can do.

Speaker 2 (08:50):
Yeah, I don't have the skill set, yes.

Speaker 5 (08:54):
To be able to work with other people versus okay,
that's the thing yourself, your higher like yeah.

Speaker 3 (09:01):
And then if you don't have the confidence already, now
you ask me would it looked?

Speaker 2 (09:05):
And now I'm mad?

Speaker 3 (09:05):
And so I could imagine that as an image architect,
you probably get some clients right like they look like
you would assume they're confident, and.

Speaker 6 (09:14):
You know, when you have the real conversation, you know,
like I can honestly say I was purpose to do
this work, like I know that I can tell you
it's no flixing because you can tell. But I also
think that a lot of times people need somebody else
to speak it into them or show it to them.

(09:35):
So like one of my taglines for my business is
I specialize in making visionaries vision visible because I think
a visionary can have a vision like I know what
it looks like at the end, but most visionaries have
no idea all of the components that it takes to
make it happen. It's just I know I want it
to happen, right, And so I think that that's the

(09:56):
bridge that I'm able to give to people.

Speaker 5 (09:58):
Are there certain clients you won't take on when you
do like your initial consult because like maybe you can
tell already.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
You're not gonna go, oh no, because I'm with the
fight you. I'm with the fight. Oh so you like it?

Speaker 4 (10:14):
When do you feel like, Okay, it's gonna.

Speaker 6 (10:16):
Be no, Because my part of my terms and conditions
is this is a relationship, and I gotta you gotta
know that when I tell you the truth, my truth
may be hard or harsh, but it's gonna be between
me and you. It's not me having a conversation with
my girl, like girl, did you know no? Because at

(10:36):
the end of the day, when you say that kymc
cole is the person who styled you, or that's my
branding person, whatever the case may be, you wearing.

Speaker 1 (10:44):
Me, got your reputation. Oh please believe.

Speaker 6 (10:47):
I have clients like several that I love that you know,
we have gone through our tenure together whatever. And then
you know, sometimes I always say that I'm trying to
train my clients to not necessarily need me on a
day to day basis, Like I want to give you
the skills.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
It's like, you know, teach a man to.

Speaker 6 (11:04):
Fish, right, yeah, but then you go and do something
that I definitely didn't teach you, and then you want
to be saying no, I have said it. I've been
in an event somewhere with a person They're like, oh, yeah,
you know, okay, it was my stylist, Like she taught
me everything.

Speaker 1 (11:18):
I know. I said, I didn't teach you that, and
don't worry.

Speaker 6 (11:21):
So you're not in and ou yeah not no, no, no, no,
I know that's not true.

Speaker 1 (11:26):
It's not it's not because it seems like you should charge.
I do charge.

Speaker 6 (11:30):
I do charge, but on the same talk, on the
same token, I am mindful of what is for me
and what isn't for me, And that's just you know,
so I don't want to know. I'm not cheap by
no means because I add value. I know that for
a fact. But the other side of it is, I'm
gonna tell you the truth because why would you pay
somebody to lie to you, Like I just that doesn't

(11:50):
make sense. I'm not gonna waste your money or my time.

Speaker 3 (11:54):
And I really I love that because when I can
afford to hire you as my stylist. I'm the type
of person where I'm so simple and when I think
I'm trying something, I got my ring on it from
my grandma, and I think I'm doing something my little
bracelets and my little watch.

Speaker 1 (12:07):
Yeah I'm mad that I didn't put I normally like.

Speaker 6 (12:09):
But normally when I come to like podcasts or something,
my Jerry jiggle.

Speaker 3 (12:13):
So I don't like and so I I do a
little something. I really think I'm doing something. So I've
always said, when I am able to hire a stylist,
I am gonna need someone to be like, no, you're
doing this.

Speaker 1 (12:25):
Oh yeah, that's that is if you're not that.

Speaker 3 (12:27):
If you don't do it, I'll be like, no, give
me my ring and give me my little baby studs.

Speaker 2 (12:31):
But I would need to.

Speaker 1 (12:33):
Yeah, I'm not I'm just hold Yeah, I'm just going
to do it. But I think that that's what. That's
what people. God is connecting us for a reason.

Speaker 6 (12:46):
But no, I'm going to show you and a lot
of times you have to get out of your comfort zone.

Speaker 3 (12:51):
Right.

Speaker 6 (12:51):
Well, what I tell people all the time, most people's
comfort zone isn't comfortable for real, it's just what they know.

Speaker 2 (12:58):
It's just easy and simple.

Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yeah, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's comfortable.

Speaker 6 (13:01):
Like I love a lot of jer if you look
at any of my pictures, Like lately, I've gotten even
more into you know, accessories and things like that for
my personal self. Right but when I get in the car,
have a ziplo bag, I take everything out. I don't
like nothing touching me like this is just true. I
love these braids. I have been wearing them at this
point for like, oh seven years or whatever. When I

(13:24):
leave out of here, I put this in opponent said,
I don't like hair touching my neck my body. Now,
I can keep the look, I understand. I can keep
all the but when it's over, it's over.

Speaker 2 (13:33):
Like I love that.

Speaker 3 (13:34):
Yeah, Okay, so we're going to play I'm curious to
know with our good sys Courtney, and after.

Speaker 6 (13:40):
You're the only person coll me courtny just say ky
cause most people don't even know what K mean.

Speaker 1 (13:45):
Now they don't, but please don't get that comfortable with me.
Let me just get his public service.

Speaker 4 (13:52):
Yes, okay, I have one we can.

Speaker 3 (13:56):
I created a card game. It's called I'm Curious to Know.
If you would like to purchase it? Good on Curious
to Know coming And I.

Speaker 6 (14:01):
Love car I love card games like I am a
collector of them.

Speaker 5 (14:04):
And these are just like discussion things is personally play
in all sorts of settings. So this one says, I'm
curious to know. Would you stay in a relationship if
your partner told you they had.

Speaker 4 (14:17):
A baby on the way with somebody else?

Speaker 1 (14:21):
How long I been in this relationship three months? Possibly?
And the reason that's the conditions.

Speaker 6 (14:31):
If I've only been in a relationship three months and
the baby's already on the way, I mean yeah, and
he just found out, and depending on how this relationship
got started, because if we have to be let's just
be honest, right, most of us is trying to figure out,
you know.

Speaker 1 (14:47):
Where we're going, what we're doing, or whatever the case
may be.

Speaker 6 (14:50):
If he first of all, I was honest enough to
tell the truth, like, hey, I gotta babe on the
way Shenna told me blah blah blah. I'm gonna I
want to know how this happened, Like was this on
the slide? Like you know this is your sneaky ling,
Like what's the situation? Plus I'm a mother, so as
a mother, it's like, okay, we need to have if
we're going to be together, we need to have a

(15:12):
conversation with hers, because now we Finna I'll be together.

Speaker 1 (15:16):
Like he's just a fact.

Speaker 6 (15:18):
Like people don't want to be honest about that and
like tell the truth.

Speaker 1 (15:21):
It's like, oh no, I'm not dealing with him. Well,
that's up to you.

Speaker 6 (15:24):
But if to me as a mother, like I get it,
people fall into situations you ended do y'all want to
be together? Would y'all like to try to do this together?
I'm going to give that option. But now if you
say no, baby girl, I'm gonna make sure he had
all the appointments. I'm gonna make sure he show up
because I'll never be the man that don't take head
of kids. I don't care who it is, but it's

(15:45):
real because sometimes people's insecurities and issues with that.

Speaker 1 (15:52):
And issues with that baby daddies.

Speaker 6 (15:55):
They don't want to allow the man to be who
he needs to be in that life because when you
they cannot.

Speaker 1 (16:02):
Public service announcement.

Speaker 6 (16:04):
Yes, when you get a woman pregnant, are you however
you was doing slipping slide and whatever. If you get
her pregnant, her mental and emotional well being are also
still now a part of your every day. I just
want to help you because I know somebody that just
went through this same situation. And then you hang out

(16:26):
with this crying baby. You wanna know how the baby
is crying because mama's crying out a dog on time,
and that emotional imbalance just passed right through her womb
out to your now crybaby baby that you don't, can't
put down, can't do nothing with all because you didn't
want her listen. Her mental and emotional well being is
very important for her to have a good pregnancy, for

(16:48):
your baby now to come out with some kind of
hormonal imbalance. I'm just saying, so, yeah, that's gonna be
the conversation I'm gonna have. And if everybody is on
the site, we all copa steated and she say, you know, hey,
just kind of happen what I don't want him, but
I would like for him to be in the baby's life.

Speaker 1 (17:04):
So on and so forth. Then hey, we gonna okay, y'all.

Speaker 5 (17:06):
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Speaker 2 (17:25):
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(17:59):
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Speaker 4 (18:36):
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Speaker 4 (19:30):
And now we'll get back to the show.

Speaker 3 (19:35):
I read something the other day that was talking about
the like the mental state of children and their their
their happiness has a lot to do how the.

Speaker 5 (19:47):
I throwed off a little bit, so like this is
not a good example. Y'all need to treat the women
that you are impregnating, right.

Speaker 3 (19:53):
And that goes and that's even, that's even if you're
not with them, And so commend you for speaking to that,
because at the end of the day, if you are
with someone who has other children and you want him
to treat you want him to ignore the mother of
his children. You just don't want him to treat her, right,
there needs to be boundaries in place. But also you
have other children and you have to show up for

(20:13):
that respect.

Speaker 6 (20:14):
But this is a thing, Yes, I agree that there
has to be boundaries. And ladies, now while i'm public
servicing the men, let me come down your row too.
At the end of the day, don't be ignorant, Do
not be ignorant, don't forget that you are a woman
who will want to be in a relationship with somebody
and later on in your life or even after you
have the baby, Like, don't lose the fact of oh, well,

(20:36):
you know, because your emotions be all kind of out
of wet when you have a baby. This is a fact.
But don't go acting crazy with this woman who had
who was woman enough to have a conversation and say,
you know what, we're going to be here. Don't let
your insecurities, don't let your daddy issues, don't let your
relationship issues cause an unnecessary issue. It's a lot of

(20:58):
women walking around feeling some kind in a way that
they don't need to be feeling a way about.

Speaker 3 (21:02):
What advice would you give them or tips would you
give them to help them?

Speaker 1 (21:06):
One?

Speaker 6 (21:06):
Communicate Number one is communicate and say it for real,
Like stop trying. I think one of the biggest issues
we try to save each other feelings. Now, there's a
way to say everything. It's a way. But for me
and I think because I come from like a blended family,
like my eye listen, my family is blended on, blended on,
blended right, and family is family to me right. But

(21:32):
to me, the thing is is that everybody talk. Everybody
knows where you stand, Like, don't be no snake if
you say, if you told this woman to her face
like I'm not trying to have your man all it
and and the other side of it as the woman
who's in the relationship who isn't having a baby, like
you need to also be mindful and respectful of this

(21:53):
woman's feeling.

Speaker 2 (21:54):
Thought process.

Speaker 6 (21:55):
It's a lot of thought process. But guess what it's
also not to be into then too lightly. Yeah, you
need to really think about it because you don't. Now
let me say this as the question that you ask.
I don't have to stay right, but this is how
I feel. Oh, I have this feeling about so many things,
but I'm gonna say it like this, Okay, this is
how I feel.

Speaker 1 (22:15):
If you make the decision.

Speaker 6 (22:17):
To stay stand on business, stand on what you said,
because what happens is now you emotional. She gotta she
something happens, she gotta go to the hospital, and the
middle of the night, she wants him to be there rightless.
So I'm sorry, that's how I feel like. I Don'm
been on both ends of the spectrum. That's how I
feel like. She want him to be there. Don't get stupid.

(22:38):
I mean, like, why is she calling.

Speaker 1 (22:39):
You in the middle of the night. The girl is pregnant?

Speaker 4 (22:41):
You see in me?

Speaker 1 (22:43):
And something is shaken wrong now And this is a
thing because now I've been a single I've been a
single mother.

Speaker 6 (22:53):
Do you understand what I'm saying, Like you don't want
to be sitting in the er, like don't nobody care
about you? And then them nurses and everybody looking you
up and down and you feeling like, don't nobody care?
And then you got this mass seed. Yeah, that's a
horrible feeling. So don't do that. You get what I'm saying, Like,
I feel like, yes, it's a conversation. And guess what
if it meant? Because I've done this too, this in college,

(23:14):
I will never forget it. I was dating this guy
in college, who oh lord. I was letting this guy
in college who had a child with his high school girlfriend.

Speaker 1 (23:26):
We're in college, his high school girlfriend.

Speaker 6 (23:28):
It's a storm coming right and the little boys in
the hospital. I'm like, hey, we gotta go, Like I
ain't never met this woman, but I know she exists.
I know you got a child with her or whatever.
And he looking at me like you sure. I'm like, yeah,
this is your baby, let's go. So we go to
lit and I'm cute. So we see girl period. So

(23:54):
we go to the hospital or whatever, and she kind
of look a certain way.

Speaker 1 (23:59):
But all so to me and I matter.

Speaker 6 (24:02):
Of fact, kay, big girl, I have to clap let
mean for myself for a second, because when I think
about this, when I got there, I literally wasn't trying
to make her feel no kind of way, Like I'm
just the girlfriend, you get what I'm saying, and were
in college and really.

Speaker 4 (24:17):
I'm trying to be supportive right now.

Speaker 1 (24:19):
I'm really just trying to add I was the one
who had a car. Can I keep it a buck?
And he wasn't gonna come, and he wasn't coming.

Speaker 2 (24:26):
Really hold households together.

Speaker 6 (24:30):
The crazy part of this girl actually got cool, like
because I mean, he was a couple. We've stayed a
couple of semesters in and I was out, but me
and a girl was cool. She ended up coming she
be cause she went to like Juco junior college and
she ended up coming to our university or whatever, and
we still you know or whatever.

Speaker 1 (24:48):
But anyway, get to the get there. I'm saying I'm.

Speaker 6 (24:53):
Clocking for myself because I wasn't trying to make her
feel like, oh, I'm this because to me, you ain't
gotta say it.

Speaker 1 (24:59):
If you that's number one and number.

Speaker 2 (25:02):
Two, that's not the point right now. Also address that.

Speaker 6 (25:07):
That's that's still something that has to be addressed because
if you have not dealt with your own esteem and
your own worth being in there that connection will make
you feel a way that's your issue.

Speaker 2 (25:18):
That ain't that issue. But what I'm saying is right
now the heart agreement.

Speaker 6 (25:23):
But that's not let's be very honest, that's a mature
thing that we're talking about. Most people instantly, yeah we're here,
You want to touch his arm?

Speaker 1 (25:35):
No, I'm I'm in the lobby. Go see and make
sure all of this stuff is okay.

Speaker 6 (25:38):
Then he came out back to the lobby to say, hey,
you know, everything's good. Do you want to come in
the room? So on and so far. I was like,
is she fine with that? Like I don't want to
have When I came in, I was like, nice to
meet you. You get what I'm saying. But most people,
if we this generation, no shade. So none of them, baby,
they're not respectful they're not mindful of any of these things.

(25:59):
So now you're in here trying to prove Oh, he
with me, and I brought him here because yeah, but
at the end of that, she already knew who she
had a baby with, so she knew, you know, somebody
brought her him here.

Speaker 1 (26:13):
You get what I'm saying type of situation.

Speaker 3 (26:15):
Have you ever had a situation where men were trying
to be petty with you in regards to like something
with your kids and you being a mother?

Speaker 4 (26:24):
What happened? Girls?

Speaker 6 (26:25):
Yes, I went through the whole unnecessary child the case.

Speaker 5 (26:31):
Yes, oh yes, yes.

Speaker 6 (26:35):
It was very stressful and it was very unnecessary to me,
very very expensive. But what I will say, because of
where we are today, is that if that was the
role that we had to get go through to get
to where we're at.

Speaker 1 (26:50):
I'll do it again.

Speaker 6 (26:50):
And it wasn't nice, it wasn't pretty, it was horrible.

Speaker 4 (26:55):
I'm glad you made it out to the side.

Speaker 2 (26:57):
Me too.

Speaker 3 (26:59):
You know, my mother is a product. Well she's not
the product. She supported a man who had several children.
It is my dad and they still married. I love y'all,
but I always tell my mom, used always like, do.

Speaker 2 (27:10):
You know, don't date some on the kids. There's a lot,
there's a lot that goes on.

Speaker 1 (27:13):
It is emotion. That's an emotional peace.

Speaker 2 (27:15):
I mean, but I look, it says a lot about
a woman's character.

Speaker 3 (27:18):
Again, if there's not silly stuff going on, if somebody's
cheating and they keep going like that's different. But like
my dad had other children with two different women, and
my mother when she came into his life, she didn't
have kids, and she came from a totally different background
from my dad.

Speaker 2 (27:32):
Like it was his was very rough and hers wasn't.

Speaker 3 (27:36):
And she came into a situation where his kids were bad,
like they just it was a different.

Speaker 2 (27:44):
Different dynamics, different sets of children.

Speaker 3 (27:47):
But my mom also understand she she understands the importance
of family. And sometimes people will say that and then
you look at how they are in situations like this
if you did agree to it, and it's like, ah,
you might not be that in supportive family. My mother,
my dad's other children, they call my mother like she
is their mom when their mom passed away. I mean,

(28:09):
she was always there, there was and I asked her
questions like how did you do that? She said, how
would I not I decided to be with your dad, and.

Speaker 5 (28:17):
You have to accept when you decided to be with someone,
whether you're dating, like even if you're dating somebody, if
they have kids and you seriously dating, you really got
to think about how is this going to work? And
you can't just look at the man. You can't just
look at the man and his child.

Speaker 4 (28:32):
You gotta look at all these.

Speaker 1 (28:34):
Other Yeah, that's the whole package.

Speaker 3 (28:35):
And I honestly think that if you were dating someone
with children and you can't accept what comes with their package,
like their children.

Speaker 2 (28:41):
And I've been in this position before.

Speaker 3 (28:42):
I had to leave the relationship because what happened was
I didn't like it.

Speaker 2 (28:46):
I didn't like.

Speaker 3 (28:47):
I just didn't like it, and I was like, I can't.
I was mature enough to recognize it and be be like,
that's important. That is you got to be like, you
know what, down the line, I don't know that I'm
gonna be able to if we have kids, love the
kids the same.

Speaker 6 (29:00):
I think being is important like that, being being able
to be like that and have those conversations, And that's
kind of like the thing that I was. I think
for me in my situation, it was I actually thought
I could go through the girlfriend who is not a
wife and me and her.

Speaker 2 (29:19):
Good, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 (29:22):
I thought so he was to me. He wasn't.

Speaker 6 (29:28):
He had too much scar tissue from our relationship to me.
So I thought that the new girlfriend, Oh he had
a girlfriend. This is great, it's gonna work with her.

Speaker 2 (29:37):
She's gonna get him together.

Speaker 1 (29:39):
She's gonna get him together. Yeah, because I'm a girl.

Speaker 3 (29:41):
Girl.

Speaker 1 (29:42):
But she didn't. She ain't want no day with me.
She didn't like me.

Speaker 6 (29:46):
I did too much stuff, and no, I did too much,
like I have my personality, and I get that. I
get that now now. At that time, I'm just like, girl,
you're doing too much. I'm not going nowhere. I've been
here forever, like and i'mnna be here with you leave. Really,
I'm being very honest, like that's that's probably what I
was giving, because I wasn't. And what I understand now

(30:07):
is she was trying to find her own place in it.
Plus she was younger than me, so it's like she
was also trying to find her place just in life
as a person. And I think even at this point
she would even say that herself, like I said, now
are we good?

Speaker 1 (30:21):
I love them?

Speaker 6 (30:22):
She she comes to my church like I love her,
like legitimately love her. And but that was nothing but God,
you get what I'm saying. God made that be a
good relationship. And I'm glad because I wanted again, like
I said, I come from a blended family, so like
I wanted my kids bonus mom to be a bonus
like I'll I'll never forget.

Speaker 1 (30:42):
I think it.

Speaker 6 (30:43):
Maybe it was like my middle daughter's ninth.

Speaker 1 (30:47):
Grade year and she came to open house.

Speaker 2 (30:52):
That says a lot about somebody's character.

Speaker 6 (30:55):
And we can so we had had a problem with
open house early on, like what are you doing here?
We ain't there yet because we wasn't there. Let me
just be very honest, we're not there. If you can't
have no conversation, don't show up Like that's where I'm at.

Speaker 1 (31:09):
I'm just being honest and I would be honest. That
probably was a little petty and who I really am,
It probably was. I could take that.

Speaker 6 (31:16):
I was very emotional, not because I wanted nothing from him,
but because it was like, you're going to respect me
and he didn't respect me, And it was like he
don't respect me and you letting her?

Speaker 1 (31:28):
Yeah, that was that was an issue for me, and
that's just truth.

Speaker 6 (31:32):
However, when this happened and she was there, it's like,
now you have to understand, if you see pictures of
my children, my middle daughter probably looked more like she
hers than mine because she's more melan and rich than
I am. So when they're together as a family, she
looked like them. Yeah, they all go together, but now

(31:54):
she got this high yellow blind hair.

Speaker 1 (31:56):
Mama, but she's mine, let me be very clear. And
so it felt good.

Speaker 6 (32:01):
It was actually very liberating feeling for us all to
go around and he was like, oh, you're it is mom, like, yes,
and this is her bonus mom, this is her stepmother like,
and they're looking.

Speaker 4 (32:12):
I'm like, yes, how do the kids feel?

Speaker 6 (32:15):
Or now it's better, Now it's better they like her? Yes, yes, yes,
And I think that some of it was not knowing
if I liked her. I can take the responsibility for
that in the beginning, because how you know, we separated
and all of that.

Speaker 1 (32:29):
It wasn't ideal.

Speaker 6 (32:31):
But on the same token, I do also feel like regardless,
which is something she would say, it's like, well, when
they see you, they're not they don't speak to me,
or they don't do that. I'm like, I ain't never
tell them not to speak to you. But also I
wasn't making it a point to say letting no, no,
you need to respect her. Yet I said that they
need to respect her, but I wasn't doubling down on
it with my women were we would never forget.

Speaker 1 (32:56):
Our babies are months apart.

Speaker 6 (32:59):
We both have sixhero old and we were at an
event for one of my girlfriend's events, right and it
was a Christmas event. I will never forget it. And
we weren't free. That's just the truth. We wasn't free.
Like we both like, hey, how you doing? But she
sighed eyed me, and I'm like, keep looking to the side,

(33:19):
just don't say nothing to me, like because.

Speaker 1 (33:21):
I don't want no smoke.

Speaker 6 (33:22):
I don't want no smoke, but you're not going to
make me cowerd in my place, like you get what
I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (33:29):
And sometimes that can happen.

Speaker 6 (33:30):
Anyway, fast forward, she felt like the kids weren't speaking
to her or whatever the case, and it had done
got around the whole event. So now my girlfriend is
asking me like, well, K, what's wrong, Like what is
going on?

Speaker 1 (33:42):
I was like, I'm not doing that.

Speaker 6 (33:43):
With her like it is what it is, it's cool,
and it's so funny because her baby was a baby.
My baby was a baby, and he could not keep
his eyes off of my baby.

Speaker 1 (33:55):
So I'm like, they should be playing like.

Speaker 5 (33:58):
No, okay, oh no, no.

Speaker 6 (34:02):
No, no, no, no, my baby was from a new relationship
and his baby with her was from their relationship. Yeah no,
but they still have siblings. Really, you get what I'm
saying because they share older siblings. So anyway, it just
got to what she felt like and I seen it
and she left upset.

Speaker 1 (34:21):
It bothered me, It did.

Speaker 6 (34:24):
It bothered me because I really am a girl's girl,
and I feel like that was contradictory. Yeah, so I
was like, I have to do better, Like you get
what I'm saying, And that's why I'm so even in
the initial question. I'm so on that because at the
end of the day, we can make it better or
we can make it worse. And you gotta stand up
for the fact that a woman is a woman. Now,

(34:44):
don't be disrespectful, don't be rude, all of that. You
get what I'm saying, But you should be able to
have a conversation and stand on the conversation like I
need a hud to know from get I don't want him.
I left him, He did not leave me. I'm done
with this each We are good. We wasn't really good together.
We stayed way that's it. And I really need you

(35:06):
to help me coparing better. You get what I'm saying,
Like I need you so anyway. Over time, like I said,
God just made it great. And yeah, I love it.
When I say I love it, it's genuine like now
when Jaden is in eleventh grade and like Jaden had
like a choir thing or whatever, me and her was
having the conversation the whole time, Like I.

Speaker 3 (35:27):
Love that because I think that moments like that show
children and everybody's situation is not going to be perfect.
It's not going to be what looks. Everybody's gonna look
look a little different. And I think that when you
have moments like that where you get to watch your
parents recover, forgive, learn how to work for a problem,
you actually teach your children something more like get to

(35:52):
see you be like, okay, so when there's a problem
you can fix it. Well you don't like somebody, It
doesn't have to be like that forever. I watched my
mom and my dad's wife or step mom. I watched
them become a unit.

Speaker 6 (36:06):
Yeah, but that's why somebody otherwise. You also teach them
how to play y'all against each other.

Speaker 1 (36:11):
Yep.

Speaker 5 (36:12):
Yeah, is very modern blended family too, like a child
of that.

Speaker 4 (36:17):
I don't have children. I've got a dog that I
pretending it's a little girl.

Speaker 5 (36:22):
I'm very dishonorous shoot up my hairpod and I'm not
going to shut up about it for three more weeks.

Speaker 1 (36:27):
So they used to it.

Speaker 4 (36:28):
It's just anyway.

Speaker 5 (36:29):
There were little things that would happen, and in hindsight,
I was talking to my sister who's next and aged.

Speaker 4 (36:36):
Me about it.

Speaker 5 (36:37):
I was like, I definitely realize now there were little
things that I did as the oldest, and I recognize that.

Speaker 4 (36:45):
Like how you're saying you learn how to play people
against each other.

Speaker 5 (36:48):
Yeah, oh, I absolutely saw how to do that, and
I tried a few little things. But then I was like,
I definitely chose the side now that I'm growing, I
chose the right side. But I noticed little things like that,
and so like I've dated several men with kids now
now who has a kid, Yeah, and it don't matter
how old you are, you be twelve or fifty.

Speaker 4 (37:08):
Everybody got a bunch.

Speaker 5 (37:12):
And it's like from the side of the person who
might be coming into something when you already got kids,
you already have this.

Speaker 4 (37:19):
No matter what y'all's relationship may have been or may
not have been. Sometimes it can be hard.

Speaker 5 (37:24):
And frustrating, especially when you do try to consider things
like what you said, like, hey, it's not about you.
You gotta put certain things aside, and people be meeting
you with.

Speaker 1 (37:35):
Like preaconceived notion. That's exactly.

Speaker 6 (37:38):
I think that that was the same for her because
she hadn't met me, but she heard all of his
grievances about me, you know what I'm saying, And I
think our relationship got better after she realized you know what.
And she she's even said it, like after she went
to therapy and she kind of got to know herself
better than certain things. It's like him, of course, he's
only gonna heat now, I will say, she said, he

(38:00):
didn't just say, you know what I did or didn't
do or whatever. However, it was like, you know, we
both stayed too long. I think both of us wanted
to be able to raise our kids and Honestly, I was.
I was committed to staying until they were the age
they are now. Like I was committed into staying and
then God was like, yeah.

Speaker 5 (38:19):
No, at this point in your life with your children,
when they're grown, if they have children, would you advise them,
knowing everything that you know and your own personal experiences
and whatever other experiences you want to drop on, would
you tell them try your best to work it out
with a person that you're choosing to have this kid with,

(38:40):
or maybe y'all just need to figure out how to
work it out separately.

Speaker 1 (38:46):
Coping.

Speaker 6 (38:47):
Like I said, I have an eighteen and a sixteen
year old. So my eighteen year old, yeah, so my
eighteen year old is in school in New York.

Speaker 1 (38:56):
Yes, my.

Speaker 6 (38:59):
Older girl they're dating. A part of me feel like, dang,
I hate that this structured them. But on the other side,
I'm glad they're not. They just not no, they're not
going for it, like they're just not Like.

Speaker 2 (39:15):
It's like me and my mam Mama would be like
don't and I'm like, oh you.

Speaker 3 (39:19):
Do not like.

Speaker 1 (39:22):
In college.

Speaker 6 (39:23):
Yeah, I don't even think that they necessarily even want kids,
if truth be told. But as far as even in
a dating Like my daughter just broke up with a
guy that she started seeing since she's been in college,
and she was like, yeah, it's just not gonna work.

Speaker 1 (39:40):
And I was like, what happened?

Speaker 6 (39:41):
She was just like, you know, he's intentional about let's
go on a day or whatever. She's like, but through
the week, like you don't call, you don't check, you
don't do anything.

Speaker 1 (39:50):
And then in college and she goes to like.

Speaker 6 (39:52):
A very liberal white school for lack of a better way,
like so you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (39:57):
Like you got time to do something, you got time
to do stuff, and it just wasn't working.

Speaker 6 (40:01):
And so one of the things that I have to
say about Aiden is that Aiden is just very much
like if what I want is too much, you good.
And I can appreciate that because I wish the hell
I was like that at eighteen.

Speaker 1 (40:16):
I wish, I promise you, I probably.

Speaker 3 (40:18):
Would have never had them. No, let's me ask you
this question. I always wonder that I'm not I don't
have kids either.

Speaker 2 (40:23):
I just have a dog.

Speaker 3 (40:25):
And as a child, as a I'm still a child
to my mom and my dad, even though I'm a
grown up. Sometimes you want to have certain conversations with
your parents about their choices in life. And I've noticed
that with my dad it's difficult for him to have
it with me, and it makes me mad, But then
I always have to remember me, he's human too. This
is his first time doing life also, and so some
of the conversations my dad won't have me some of

(40:47):
the conversations that I have with my mom about some
of her not so great choices in life, which is
a mini remigious perfect, but she she I've like sometimes
with the kids now, it's like, I wonder, they're so
woke and they have their own they have these minds
that to me are beautiful and they have AI. So
have you ever like struggled with your your more adult

(41:07):
the eighteen year old and even the sixteen year old
in today's world asking you about questions about some of
your choices in life, and it's a struggle to kind
of tell them the truth.

Speaker 2 (41:16):
Okay, So you're an honest parent.

Speaker 4 (41:18):
How honest do you get?

Speaker 2 (41:19):
Right?

Speaker 6 (41:19):
Probably too honest? Okay, but it's only because I'm free.
Can I just help some people? Like I'm really free.
I've dealt with it myself, and I had to be
honest with my own stuff.

Speaker 2 (41:30):
How did you get free?

Speaker 1 (41:32):
I man, because not being free for me.

Speaker 6 (41:39):
Was crippling, and it kept putting me back in a
place of feeling like depression was a slope.

Speaker 1 (41:45):
I was about to fall that down there.

Speaker 6 (41:48):
And my older girls for sure have seen the hills
and valleys. You get what I'm saying with me, like
and so because of that, it was like I first
had to come to an honest space with myself. So
I'm big on to I wrote a book, unapologetic.

Speaker 2 (42:09):
You wrote a bunch of books, Yeah, but this.

Speaker 6 (42:11):
Particular one is learning to Love Me Unapologetically. What I
understood is I had to apologize myself for all of
the bad decisions I made that seemed like the only
decision at the time. Yeah, that was the first thing, right,
So then I had to also be honest that I
didn't even look for another decision to be made because

(42:31):
this is what I really wanted to do.

Speaker 1 (42:33):
At the time.

Speaker 6 (42:33):
It seemed to make sense and this work. Most people
won't even be honest to say that, Like, I knew
he wasn't no good. I knew he wasn't gonna do this.
I knew these things. I knew that I probably didn't
even have the emotional capability to handle what I already
saw as red flags and him and I still stay
and oh, by the way, I wasn't taught the best

(42:54):
way to handle things either, So I am pushing down
all my issues trying to be the savior for him
and then not asking for nothing ever time.

Speaker 1 (43:08):
But you just to be there and give me some
every you know.

Speaker 3 (43:11):
Blue Moon, when you really do point the finger back
yourself is wild, because it's like, if you don't get
the strength to do that, no matter how hard it is,
you won't get free.

Speaker 1 (43:20):
You won't get free.

Speaker 6 (43:21):
And every and everything that somebody says to you will
trigger you. And I say this, everything that I go
to when people talk about triggers, nobody can trigger you
if you unload the gun.

Speaker 5 (43:38):
She shares that she had been home once before Emandina
asked her, like, how did you get comfortable talking about it?
She was like, I just wanted to make sure I
said it before they try to use it against me.

Speaker 4 (43:47):
And it's not the truth in that because it's a
bit of like, Okay, I don't want to be her.

Speaker 5 (43:54):
It's like like you built like when people build up
walls to protect themselves.

Speaker 4 (43:58):
But I get it.

Speaker 6 (44:01):
And yeah, but my thing is that if you if
you get out of the way of allowing what they
say to hurt you.

Speaker 1 (44:09):
Was there like it is, oh you was homeless? Yeah?
Well sometimes some was.

Speaker 3 (44:14):
Even sometimes some of the things when I look back
at some of the things that people have said to
me that I was like, I can't believe you said
to me.

Speaker 2 (44:20):
It was true.

Speaker 1 (44:22):
It was, but it was it was a thing is
it was.

Speaker 6 (44:25):
It was a truth that you weren't ready to be
honest about. And that's why people be triggered. The fact
of the matter is if you address it with yourself.
I have been rayed, molested through domestic violence, homeless, batter
women's shelter, all of the things like in real life. Okay,
now what you get what I'm saying, Like, Okay, you

(44:46):
said these things, and I'm still absolutely fabulous and I
love myself, like you gotta you gotta talk up on
yourself and once you don't really look that girl in
the mirror and being like, yeah, you did not have
it all together, but you still got up. You still
you'll continue to press on because guess what, it's some
people that don't never get up that they're laying there
and your get up is the sunshine that they need

(45:07):
to say, hold up. If she made it through this,
then I can like that's that's the thing. Like we
be looking for people to give pity to our issues
or the things that happen. I don't want your pity.
I want you to see that I survived, that I overcame,
that I'm no longer in that place, and that if

(45:29):
you can relate in any way that you realize.

Speaker 2 (45:33):
That you can do it too, you can do it.

Speaker 1 (45:34):
That's it. That's it.

Speaker 3 (45:35):
I think a lot of people also are looking for
someone to come and save them. And I think when
I realized that, like, it's really not anyone coming to
save it's God.

Speaker 6 (45:43):
So all of this that you're pouring into and He
already saved you, that's the thing. He saved you equipped
you to be able to do it. And all of
the people that may come into your path that are
willing to assist you, assist you, not help you, not
dig you up out of it, because most of the
time somebody the digging is probably digging you deeper than
what you want to get out of to assist you

(46:05):
to actually be able to say that it is possible
for you to do. You get what I'm saying, but
there has to be something on the inside of you
that's like, yeah, I don't want to be like this,
no more. I don't want to say And for those
people that do that really have fallen into that sickness
of you know, I just want a hand out, I
want charity, you following it. That's a sickness. It's a mindset.

(46:27):
And you hear people say poverty mindset all of that.
That's a real thing. Like people be like, oh no,
if they can't do it, then I'm not gonna do that.
And that's fine. But if that's not your mindset, if
that's not where you want to get the hell from
around on people.

Speaker 4 (46:41):
And sometimes family friends, I have to separate.

Speaker 5 (46:47):
I have people in my family I really don't associate
with it much, but they.

Speaker 2 (46:51):
Are my family.

Speaker 5 (46:52):
And sometimes I'm like, as an adult, a big ass adult,
I'll be like.

Speaker 4 (46:58):
Why what was that really around? Why?

Speaker 1 (47:00):
Why?

Speaker 4 (47:01):
Why?

Speaker 5 (47:01):
And then I realized, you know what, I think my
family that I am close with protected me from that
because they saw it. They weren't gonna say it to me,
because they weren't trying to influence me, but they also
wanted to make sure I didn't get too influenced by
anybody else. And then also speaking to how you guys
were saying something about like, you know, you go through

(47:23):
these low points in your life and you've got to
come out of them, and you've got to turn around
on yourself. Sometimes I think that people have a hard
time recognizing it and sharing it and really coming to
terms with it. Depending on your personality and where you're
at in your process. Sometimes the people around you can
be too harsh and they can make you feel like

(47:47):
there is no coming back from it, or they beat
you down, they call you names, and it's like, okay, well,
it's kind of like we're fighting fire with fire. Like
I'm in a low place and you see that. Why
would you call me stupid? Why would you call me this?
What would you do this?

Speaker 6 (48:00):
But why would you allow their stupid to affect you
in a way?

Speaker 2 (48:03):
Because this is because level of agree you are?

Speaker 6 (48:09):
We you are, But this is the thing, even in
your weakness, you know you're not stupid.

Speaker 3 (48:15):
Yeah, but that goes that it goes back to any situation,
just like with when the women are with the men,
we all look back at the man like, why was
we doing this?

Speaker 1 (48:22):
There?

Speaker 6 (48:22):
You have you'all thought of your vulnerability will put you
in that. But what I'm saying is is a lot
of times, too, we continue to allow people to perpetuate
stuff in us by allowing them to speak things that
we know not true, Like because you have a there
is a piece of you, even in your weakest moment
that self awares right.

Speaker 3 (48:41):
But when you get to a certain level in your healing,
you can look back and you know.

Speaker 1 (48:44):
That I'm I'm in agreement, I'm in I'm in tall agreement.
But when to me get out of it? Right? But
what I'm saying is, but you also hope.

Speaker 3 (48:59):
That when I experience stuff like that, you also hope
that when some when you are the person in the
position to lift somebody up, that you do it so
because you remember where you were at.

Speaker 6 (49:11):
That's the whole cycle, though, that is the whole like,
oh my god, that's that's the real cycle. The whole
point is is that how we have felt in our
lowest moment and then triumphed to come out of those moments.
That's what we're supposed to be able to see in
other people, to not perpetuate the same thing, right, But
what happens, But what a lot of times happens is

(49:32):
most people. And that's something I feel like every place
that I've ever had to speak, I've been looking at you.

Speaker 1 (49:37):
I'm like, you realized you were there? Like why are
you looking down at them?

Speaker 3 (49:41):
Like?

Speaker 1 (49:41):
Oh, they need I saw so many conferences. No, that's
why I'm not. That's why I don't do that.

Speaker 6 (49:49):
And I'm because the least among them, the one, the
one person who don't look like she got out together
all of that, but she's steadily showing up, showing up
hoping to somebody see her.

Speaker 1 (50:00):
You get what I'm saying.

Speaker 6 (50:01):
Yeah, And sometimes we be Donna came out of those
situations and you forget what that looked like. I've never
forgot what that looked like. I'm grateful for it to
a degree. And why I say to a degree is
because sometimes people try to play on that with me.
You get what I'm saying, like, oh, I know this
is her heart. You get what I'm saying. But God

(50:22):
is really good because he'll always show him. You be like, no,
they're playing on your emotions with this situation. But I understand,
I understand meeting people where they at. I'm gonna woo
woo woo you, and then I'll be like, get up,
and I'm gonna tell you why, because you can soften
your entry with a person. But then I need you

(50:44):
to be able to get up because I can't carry
you to this next season. It's something you gotta fight
to want to be there. And if you start sliding
back down that hill, I'm going to be there pushing you.
Let's go, come on. Uh, I know you want to
turn around. I know it seems hard. Have y'all ever
climb Star Mountain girl?

Speaker 2 (51:00):
No, let's go do that. Let's record that.

Speaker 6 (51:03):
Well, what I'm saying is is you know, when you
get to that next yeah, but you know, when you
get to that little plateau, whether little railing is.

Speaker 1 (51:12):
You don't want to go.

Speaker 6 (51:13):
But but what happens is you need a person saying
you can't go.

Speaker 1 (51:19):
You get what I'm saying. No, I'm not saying in
that moment, get your butt up and no, you can
do it. You can do it, but.

Speaker 6 (51:25):
A lot of times you gotta Sometimes it takes hurt
to affect a person, and that's just the truth.

Speaker 5 (51:32):
You sound like somebody I know and I had a
conversation with this, but it was like, you know what,
I think I had too much of that. And sometimes
it takes both, but it takes both.

Speaker 1 (51:44):
It has to be a balance.

Speaker 5 (51:46):
And I was like, Okay, maybe this is something that
you're missing, and I can accept that you're trying to
help the best way you know how, So I'm not mad,
but I do need you to shut up and just
hear me out because I'm trying to be open and
I really don't want you because I would like to
invite you to the block party, but.

Speaker 4 (52:04):
I'm trying not to do that every time run away
from things.

Speaker 5 (52:07):
But it's like, hey, sometimes some people talk to themselves
so ugly and so harsh.

Speaker 4 (52:13):
I don't need you to do that.

Speaker 1 (52:14):
Yeah, I'm in agreement for.

Speaker 5 (52:16):
Morning, noon, and night, or I don't need you to
say these are Sometimes I just need you to listen,
or sometimes I need you to help me in a
different way because maybe this is what I'm missing. And
so I say all that to say like, no matter
how you may be trying to help somebody or where
you are, if you can't help them how you can
or how they say that.

Speaker 4 (52:36):
They need, maybe you also could consider giving them space.

Speaker 5 (52:41):
Block in space, but back up because if you can't
do it, because I'll do that.

Speaker 4 (52:45):
Sometimes.

Speaker 5 (52:45):
Sometimes I've recognized I've been too pushy with friends or
family or whoever, and I really thought I was helping.

Speaker 4 (52:51):
I really thought I was.

Speaker 5 (52:52):
Giving them the strong push that they needed because I
saw something in them that they didn't.

Speaker 4 (52:59):
But she had to.

Speaker 3 (53:00):
Realize, hey, yes, and you got to back up. You
don't have to close the door, leave it open, but
let them do something because you don't.

Speaker 5 (53:09):
Have the tools and you you're you're just you having
some sort of financial struggle.

Speaker 2 (53:14):
Now every day she's sending you a job that don't
even make sense.

Speaker 5 (53:17):
But that's the financial struggle, and she just feels like
you need to get another.

Speaker 2 (53:25):
Job, and you're like, send me this amazonas.

Speaker 6 (53:28):
What I'm saying on the reason, what I would say
is is that a lot of times when it's somebody,
I say, skin in the game, So somebody that you
really like, you cut for you hear what I'm saying,
and you blieve you have something in it. Right, It's
hard to not push a certain way because you are
you see so much in them. Like I used to

(53:49):
say this about my mom, Like my mom was a
great motivator. Like she there are programs that she got
funding for through the USDA that are still in practice
now right, And all of her kids used to always
be like, oh, I love miss McKee.

Speaker 1 (54:06):
She was this is that.

Speaker 6 (54:07):
Well, I'm like, y'all don't know. Miss McKee would cush
you from here to like you get what I'm saying.
And when I first wrote my book, I was so
scared that people would change how they viewed her based
on certain things that I said or whatever.

Speaker 1 (54:21):
But it was my truth and it was the truth, right.

Speaker 6 (54:24):
But the difference was and this was something that I
came to realize. I feel like I learned so much
more about my mom and her death right. But it
was certain things and how she was nice and said
things to those kids that got them to be, you know,
first generation college students, first generation lawyers, doctors, all of
these different things was because we was hers. So to her,

(54:48):
it's like it's in you, what are you doing? Like
I need you to wake up? What's on the inside
of you? And unfortunately the approach be different because they
already feel like back to what you even just said,
like they literally you saw something in this person so
you your expectation was different, and what happens and this
is just again this is a keayism.

Speaker 1 (55:08):
This is one of my opinions. I just feel like when.

Speaker 6 (55:11):
You see something in a person, you can't give them
the reflection from your eye right, And what happens is
that's what we be trying to get them to see.
And what I've realized is we have to come back
off of it.

Speaker 1 (55:25):
Yeah, it is. It is, but this is the other thing.

Speaker 6 (55:28):
The same way that you can waste or they can
waste potential, you can waste breath.

Speaker 1 (55:34):
Yeah, and both of them are vital.

Speaker 4 (55:38):
So true.

Speaker 5 (55:39):
I have tried to remind myself of that and remind
myself that, like when I am trying when I do
for myself being pushy with people who I love and
care about and I want them to see what I
see in them, bro back off and just say it
as best you can and just let it go and

(55:59):
just keep it over a line of communication dropping dropping.

Speaker 6 (56:04):
It may not be for you to be the watery
somebody else will come through.

Speaker 3 (56:08):
And absolutely I found that the easy way to deliver
them pushy messages. And this is all very new to me, Okay,
I when I feel myself about to get pushy with somebody,
and I need and I would like for you to
see what I see in you.

Speaker 2 (56:26):
I said, let me pray for you real quick.

Speaker 6 (56:28):
Amen, that's a good shift. Let me pray for you
real quick, because that then people the guards go down.

Speaker 3 (56:35):
Yeah, I got to shut up, and that's not comfortable
for me. But I realized I had to deal with
my dad. I didn't grow up in church. My dad
is Muslim. Nation of Islam. Saying Jesus felt racist to me,
Like it was like wow, I mean this is very
I got baptized in April. My family be looking at
me like what what are you about to do? I'm
going to pray for you and I'm about to do
it out loud, and I'm even uncomfortable with it. But

(56:57):
I need you to get this message. Yeah, I had
to do it with my brother the other day.

Speaker 2 (57:02):
I need you to hear this.

Speaker 3 (57:03):
And so since I know that my tone is going
to be pushy, let me let God speak to this real.

Speaker 2 (57:08):
Quick, and then we're gonna get off the phone. And
you take it how you take it. Ain't nobody mad.

Speaker 3 (57:12):
We don't have no fallout because I dare you to
be like, don't you pray for me? I wish you
would and you can, and I won't because what why
would you know? I think if you said that, I'm
now even more so, I'm about to pull.

Speaker 1 (57:28):
Up to go in talks. Gotta go, and I gotta
get it to you. I feel because I'm buinding this
spirit right now.

Speaker 3 (57:37):
Yeah, I feel like I have felt this presence lately
of like and it is God. And it's so weird
because it's like, I'm just this has not been me.

Speaker 1 (57:45):
I was.

Speaker 3 (57:46):
I was out to eat the other day. I had
just finished hot yoga. I went to Burton's grill and bucket.

Speaker 4 (57:51):
Oh, I like that, Oh my god, it's so good.

Speaker 2 (57:55):
And there was a girl and I overheard her. I
didn't know her at all.

Speaker 3 (58:00):
I overheard her talking on the phone with somebody and
it was just so negative. And then she just was
sitting at the table just looking like I don't know,
it just was bad. She got up to leave, and like,
I felt this like overwhelming feeling to just be like excuse.

Speaker 2 (58:14):
Me for she and she she looked at me.

Speaker 3 (58:17):
She was like she was you know how people be
like like everybody's on edge nowadays, Like what I.

Speaker 4 (58:21):
Did see something about people drugging people. I would be
a little on edge.

Speaker 3 (58:24):
She was on edge and I was on I was nervous.
I was like, what are you doing with Dina.

Speaker 1 (58:28):
I was like that spirit man, but let me tell
you something.

Speaker 6 (58:33):
That spirit just because I know, like this has been
your transition, but that spirit will hit you.

Speaker 2 (58:38):
So it's like, really, and I just want can I
pray for you really quick?

Speaker 3 (58:43):
And she was a young girl and she was like
she looked like she wanted to say no, but she
said yes. I said, give me your hand and I
said a prayer for her.

Speaker 2 (58:51):
I don't know her. I opened my eyes. She was crying.
I hugged her.

Speaker 3 (58:55):
I was like, I hope you enjoy your day. And
I said, if we all just moved like.

Speaker 6 (58:59):
That man in the world, that we would be I
say that all the time life. My family, they all
especially like my kids, they're like.

Speaker 1 (59:07):
You talk to everybody. Yeah, if the spirit ly, yes,
I'm talking to you, yes, because you can affect somebody. Yes.

Speaker 6 (59:14):
But the other side of it is I didn't go
through none of what I went through just for me.

Speaker 1 (59:19):
It's never for you, like this was not for me.
Like my my continual Yes.

Speaker 6 (59:25):
My continual get up is because it's somebody out there
right now that don't know who came a call.

Speaker 1 (59:30):
Is that's like, oh no, I feel that.

Speaker 3 (59:34):
I yeah, you never know you are saving Yes, no
matter how embarrassing it might feel to share it, no
matter how embarrassing it might be for you to stop
somebody who is looking like they're having a bad day,
even if you're not gonna pray for them, maybe you're
just gonna be like, hey, can I get your coffee?
Like how can I How can I be of service
to you? And I think that if we move like
that in dating, if we move like that in.

Speaker 2 (59:56):
Just life life and friendship, and when.

Speaker 3 (59:59):
We meet the people who have kids, and you maybe
didn't want to date nobody with kids, but now you're like, dang,
he gotta baby mama. Maybe you walk into the room,
you're like, let me tell you something. Since we don't
have no words, let me just say a quick prayer
for all of us. It's gonna set a tone.

Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
Yeah, And it's a shifting.

Speaker 6 (01:00:11):
That's the other thing why I'm big on like the
mindset things, because you have to shift you to me,
I am a shifter period. When you walk into a room,
it's going to shift now, whether it be good or bad.

Speaker 1 (01:00:25):
That's on the energy that you want to bring into
the room, not me.

Speaker 6 (01:00:28):
I'm just saying, like people, some people naturally because of
my big personality like uh who da da da da
all of these things, and I'm not a girl like
I'm really I'm really the haggarl like hey or whatever.
But some people just don't They're just don't want to
like you. And what I love about, yes, what I

(01:00:48):
love about what God has consistently done in my life
is for all of the people that was just like, ugh,
you're like, you know, okay't like man, I love her
like she's good.

Speaker 1 (01:01:00):
But you have the ability to shift that.

Speaker 6 (01:01:02):
And I feel like, like you said, in any relationship
in life or whatever the case might be, show up
as who you authentically are. No, everybody in a room
may not like you, But for all of the ones
who don't like you, somebody who did is gonna be like.

Speaker 1 (01:01:15):
Did you you really feel like that? Did you meet her?

Speaker 3 (01:01:18):
Like?

Speaker 1 (01:01:19):
Oh, well, you know that's you exactly.

Speaker 2 (01:01:23):
I love it.

Speaker 3 (01:01:23):
I even put on here like we didn't get to
any of them, We didn't get the weird text but
I'm not mad at it. We put I put on
here something about authenticity and how it looks.

Speaker 2 (01:01:35):
It looks authenticity looks good, it sounds good.

Speaker 3 (01:01:38):
And one thing that I started to do sometimes, and
even it's not hard to do, sometimes what happens with authenticity?
Would I have started to I feel like I haven't
been authentic most of my life.

Speaker 2 (01:01:50):
I'm just not like stepping into it.

Speaker 3 (01:01:51):
Because what happens is sometimes there's consequences to authenticity, and
you you you now you start to be yourself and
you've been not faking it, but you just haven't been
being your full self for so long. Just the Lord,
she's because you're a little scared, you're a little nervous,
you're little timid.

Speaker 2 (01:02:06):
You just don't know.

Speaker 3 (01:02:06):
Now you're shown up as your authentic self, and you
lose friends, you lose relationships. Family members are looking at
you crazy, like, well, you ain't never do that before.
When I'm doing it now and so I'm being me.
Now I'm being me And it's like and then sometimes
we're authentic and you think that you deserve.

Speaker 2 (01:02:19):
A reward for it. You don't. You need to aim
to be authentic.

Speaker 1 (01:02:25):
All the reward is.

Speaker 4 (01:02:28):
You should have in that that is really you.

Speaker 5 (01:02:31):
And I think if you don't like it, make some
changes you do it.

Speaker 2 (01:02:35):
I think it's a beautiful conversation.

Speaker 3 (01:02:37):
And you know, I appreciate you for coming having this
with us, and I would love for you to maybe
leave somebody a young lady or a young man, a
young lady who is maybe struggling right now, they are
in that that that that wilderness moment right now, they
are like, I can't pick myself up. Can you leave
them with something like what would you tell them?

Speaker 1 (01:03:00):
I was so intentional.

Speaker 6 (01:03:05):
About you, that he created you, and that no matter
what situation that you're in, the fact that you still
have breadth in your body, the activities of your limbs,
even if it's hard to move, even it's hard to
get anywhere right now, the fact that you still are
alive means is that it's yet purpose on your life
and that you can keep going. Like I said this,

(01:03:26):
I spoke at a conference this past weekend. One of
the things that I said was that God was so
mindful of the world that he created me. That's one
of my daily affirmations. And so what I would say
is that God was so mindful of the world that
He created you, and I know that right now, your
circumstances or whatever it may be, may have you feeling

(01:03:47):
like I'm not supposed to be here. What I know
for a fact is that anybody that ain't supposed to
be here ain't.

Speaker 2 (01:03:55):
And that's the truth. Thank you so much for coming.

Speaker 1 (01:03:59):
No, thank y'all, man.

Speaker 4 (01:04:00):
Listen.

Speaker 5 (01:04:01):
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Speaker 3 (01:06:09):
Reread this advice, and then you will help us give
give her something. Okay, Hi, ladies, this is a long one.
I love the show and I'm so proud of your growth.
You both seem to have a great circle of friends,
and I'm wondering if I'm wrong for cutting off my
best friend.

Speaker 2 (01:06:25):
That's a rough one.

Speaker 3 (01:06:26):
Please let me know if I'm tripping or if I
should have abandoned ship. A long time ago. My ex
friend she's thirty nine and I'm thirty seven. We met
in college. We bonded over our love for hair and shopping.
We came from very different backgrounds, but that's what made
our friendship unique. I, one of four children, was raised
by single mother and have had to work hard for

(01:06:46):
everything I have. Lauren, an only child, was raised in
a two parent household and has had everything handed to
her her entire life. My mom and other friends have
always questioned how or why we were friends, since we're
so different. That's interesting, but as they say, opposites attract.
For the past few years, I felt like Lauren and
I were in a secret competition in which I was unaware.

(01:07:09):
It seemed like every time I did something or proposed
an idea, she either tried to copy and want up
me in some kind of way, or she'd say that's
not a good idea, and she would propose the same
idea a few weeks later, when I graduated from college,
I began searching for a job, and I found a
company that was hiring for entry level positions. Since we
had the same degree. I told her about the job opportunity,

(01:07:29):
and we both applied for the positions. Excuse me, I
received an offer for the job and she did not.
Instead of saying congratulations, she said, why did they choose
you and not me?

Speaker 2 (01:07:39):
I feel like it's okay to think something like.

Speaker 3 (01:07:41):
That in the beginning, as rejection is something that no
one wants to receive, but like, don't actually say it
to the person because it makes you sound like a hater.
I explained to her that I probably was chosen because
I already had experience in the field and I had
been working since I was sixteen, whereas she didn't have
any experience. About one year later, I had saved up

(01:08:01):
enough money to purchase a home. Congratulations, Why don't you
use me as your realtor? After I closed, she also
decided that she wanted to purchase a home. With the
help of her parents. They agreed to co sign on
the home and pay for her mortgage until she secured
a job that would pay her enough to cover the
mortgage and utilities.

Speaker 2 (01:08:18):
I did my best hold on.

Speaker 3 (01:08:21):
I did my best in helping her choose a home,
but every time I would send her a house, she
would ask for the square footage in the year that
my home was built.

Speaker 2 (01:08:30):
At the time, I.

Speaker 3 (01:08:30):
Would ask, I would always ask myself, why does she
care about how big my house is or when it
was built? But now it all makes sense. She wanted
to make sure her house was bigger and newer than mine.
It really didn't matter to me because at the end
of the day, it's all one big ass bill. Since
my home is a little older than hers, I wanted
to renovate it. I purchased a lot of materials and
did personal projects to update it to my liking. I

(01:08:51):
created a home office and I installed a coffee or
t bar. I shared the details about said bar to her,
and she replied, I don't wish to have one of
those in my house because I wouldn't use it. She
even offered to give me her cure a coffee maker
instead of donating it to Goodwill. I thank Herbert declined
the offer as I had already purchased my home. Once
I was finished with the bar, I facetimed her to
show her the finished product A week later. Guess who

(01:09:12):
had a coffee bar. Yes, the same person who offered
to give me their coffee maker. First said coffee tea
bar that they said they would never use, a bunch
of other coffeecat stuff has happened between us, such as
when she purchased all the items from my Amazon wishless
for her home, and she also took credit for gifts
that I purchased picked out for her parents and picked
out for her parents. She stated she was unable to

(01:09:33):
find something that she thought they would like or just
didn't plan on getting them anything at all. Yes, the
parents that pay all her bills. She frequently asked about
my salary promotions, and after a while I'll be in
line to her because the constant comparison was getting out
of hand. The final straw was when she forgot my birthday,
no call, no text, no gift, etc. When I confronted her,
she said she never knew when it was. She just

(01:09:54):
sort of all these years, she waits for.

Speaker 2 (01:09:57):
Facebook to tell her. Mind you.

Speaker 3 (01:09:58):
I've been sending gifts and trave to her house for
birthday celebrations for the past nine years, and she lived
seven hours for me. I hosted her baby shower and
I showed up for her and her child as any
auntie would. And I don't even like kids. She also
tried to call my father's personalized Christmas gift. She was
going to replace his name and photo with her father's
name and photo because she didn't feel like finding a
gift of her own. How classy? Am I the asshole

(01:10:21):
for cutting her off? Or should I contact her to
talk things over? Friendship breakups are more difficult and hurtful
than actual relationships. But I feel like our friendship has
been very one sided. It's kind of giving. Single black female,
and I don't want to end up on the local news.

Speaker 2 (01:10:35):
Thanks.

Speaker 5 (01:10:35):
I was literally thinking single white female. But yeah, girl, okay,
what would you say to her? What advice would you
give her?

Speaker 4 (01:10:45):
Friend?

Speaker 3 (01:10:46):
So the question is am I the asshole for cutting
her off? Or she contact her to talk things over?

Speaker 1 (01:10:50):
Yeah, she's wrong for cutting her off? Yes?

Speaker 2 (01:10:52):
Why?

Speaker 1 (01:10:53):
Because?

Speaker 6 (01:10:54):
Okay, so if you listen to the litlas, so I
am the friend and I'm gonna tell you the good,
the bad, ugly, and I can be unbiased.

Speaker 1 (01:11:03):
Right.

Speaker 6 (01:11:04):
So, she really did feel a way, and she had
to confront that in herself. She felt a way that
they grew up differently. So some of the things that
she didn't have that she had to work so hard
for weren't to her benefit.

Speaker 1 (01:11:18):
Like if I listened to the letter.

Speaker 5 (01:11:20):
That whole two parent household thing, that's that's not a
red flag, but it raises it raises.

Speaker 6 (01:11:26):
A point, the fact that that that in the midst
of one big bill that she got that she had
to get out and get by herself instead of her
congratulating herself. Because the difference is the thing is is, yes,
y'all grew up different, but y'all still found some kind
of kinship. This girl being ain't new when your birthday was.
She wasn't gonna get something for her own parents, So
you're looking for her to give you something she never had.

(01:11:50):
So yeah, you, but you allowed the friendship to continue
this way. Then you continue to share things with your
best friend, and now you wondering why she copy you.
She is always admired and gleaned from you.

Speaker 1 (01:12:02):
This is the truth. And when you got things better
than she did, she was like, well, dang, if my
friend got it, it's gotten to be something good. And
instead of her looking at that as a win, she
looked at that as a dig. And it wasn't this
person needed you.

Speaker 6 (01:12:16):
This person had what society would say a way better
start with life way better perks. Your parents is willing
to pay for you, and you can't even get no job,
and seemingly in here you don't have a child and
all of these things and your parents are I mean,
I ain't trying to be funny, but I if that
was the life that I had opportunity, Yeah, I could

(01:12:37):
imagine my friend who had You get what I'm saying,
Like those different things Like for me, I grow with
a single parent. My mama, I saw her juggle bills
and all of these things. Guess what wh I became
a single parent. I juggle bills.

Speaker 1 (01:12:50):
I wasn't. I didn't.

Speaker 6 (01:12:51):
It took so long for me to finally have a
better relationship with money, right because it was I'm not
finna work so hard and not enjoy some of my money.
But then you realize people who come from like a
two parent household, the structure is different. So it's like, no,
you should say to do this, you caet Those were
things that it took me into my late thirties to
finally get a hold of. You get what I'm saying.

(01:13:13):
So I just feel like, listen to her story. Some
of it is like you throwing digs at things at
your friend. You know that it's not her father, her
parents stay together, You're mine more single.

Speaker 1 (01:13:23):
You get what I'm saying. I feel like all of.

Speaker 6 (01:13:25):
Those things, like everything that she's pointing out, and to me,
that's not a good friendship. Like if everything you feel
like you have to want to improve that you are
worthy to be able to be friends with somebody that
came from a two parent household, who parents still show
up for them and all of these different things, because
it's something that you admire about that you it's something
you feel for.

Speaker 1 (01:13:45):
You know this girl want that you want to exactly.

Speaker 6 (01:13:48):
So my thing is, yes, yes she worked all of
that time and all of the differences, but that's what
makes us good as friends, having differences and different experiences
and all of those things. Me, she should have been
looking at the situation like, you know what, this who
she's always been. If that was the case, you should
have been friends that long because this wasn't these telltale

(01:14:09):
signs and things that happened like she didn't want to carry.
I definitely would have took the curate thank.

Speaker 2 (01:14:14):
You, can I try in real quick because this is
why I fuck with you.

Speaker 3 (01:14:16):
I'm sorry, God stop because this is why my energy
and of people.

Speaker 2 (01:14:21):
That I attract. This is why I.

Speaker 3 (01:14:23):
Fucking love being healthy and in tune, man, because I
was thinking the same thing, because this is what happens.
And I wouldn't have thought about this if I didn't
have the clarity that I have now. Yeah, absolutely, ma'am,
ma'am you talking about she's trying to one up you.
You're trying to one up.

Speaker 2 (01:14:35):
Her, your friend ben being herself. You feel some type
of way.

Speaker 3 (01:14:43):
Because in the beginning of the if the advice letter,
she even said her family said, y'all are so different.
Why would you be friends with someone so different?

Speaker 1 (01:14:51):
Why would you not?

Speaker 3 (01:14:52):
Why would you continue to be keep people around you
who are the same.

Speaker 2 (01:14:56):
I will never understand that.

Speaker 1 (01:14:58):
Why would you.

Speaker 3 (01:14:59):
Not want people who have a growth mindset? She's looking
at you, and like you said, she admires you. If
you have a problem with something, you have to speak up.
And you should have ended the friendship because it really
sounds like you're jealous.

Speaker 1 (01:15:11):
Yeah, at one side.

Speaker 3 (01:15:15):
You felt all these years and sad.

Speaker 6 (01:15:19):
But the thing is, I also feel like she was
gleaming from some of the things that she also got
a chance to experience. I believe if we really go
said the friendship, there are things you got to you
got to experience because she come from a two parents.
You those things out, but you pointed out all of
the things that bothered you instead of, like you said,
having a conversation that being like friend like this makes

(01:15:41):
me feel uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 (01:15:43):
Yeah, I feel like you're copying me.

Speaker 3 (01:15:44):
I've actually had those types of conversations, and I've had
the not conversations, and you just have a friendship fall
and it's like, well, the person is saying their truth,
you're not, and you might be jealous, and people don't
like talking about jealousy as if it's not a real
emotion and we've all experienced.

Speaker 2 (01:15:58):
It and everyone loves me.

Speaker 1 (01:15:59):
I don't get No, you've been jealous before, you didn't
talk about it. We have.

Speaker 4 (01:16:03):
I don't like that something.

Speaker 5 (01:16:05):
So when I initially was like, oh, you think she
is the asshole, I felt like she wasn't the asshole
because you do need to leave the friendship because it
didn't sound like you're being a friend to your other friends.
So like similar reasons, but I felt like she wasn't
an asshole. You do need to remove yourself. You're not
being a good friend to this girl, whatever your deep.

Speaker 3 (01:16:24):
Rooted issue is, it sounded like it was her address.
But if she would rather address us, who are essentially strangers.

Speaker 4 (01:16:39):
Even though we appreciate y'allseing the letters, we are essentially strangers.

Speaker 5 (01:16:43):
You would rather address us than address the person in
your life or the people in your life. You do
need to remove yourself from the situation because you don't
know how to talk to your friend. You would rather
talk to.

Speaker 4 (01:16:54):
Us than talk to her.

Speaker 5 (01:16:56):
Remove yourself until you can figure out how to handle it.
And I think that a lot of people will hang
on to friendships and relationships and things because of time
or whatever.

Speaker 4 (01:17:08):
Reason they may have.

Speaker 5 (01:17:10):
But I agree with several points that you both made
about why she may be feeling a way. But I
don't think you're an asshole for ending of friendship because
you not being a good friend either.

Speaker 4 (01:17:19):
You do sound jealous.

Speaker 2 (01:17:23):
In real quick.

Speaker 3 (01:17:24):
I actually don't think you should leave the friendship. I
think that we quit.

Speaker 5 (01:17:27):
I think that when she can't talk about it, it's
just talk to her friend and address the stuff head on.

Speaker 6 (01:17:35):
That's the part asshole, because if you're if if these things, no,
if all of these things are issues, that you have
not said to your friend, that you have not articulated
to her that these things bother me.

Speaker 1 (01:17:49):
And this is the other thing.

Speaker 6 (01:17:50):
And even in the lengthiness of the letter, when in
that letter did you sit back and say, hold up, what.

Speaker 4 (01:17:57):
Did I do?

Speaker 1 (01:17:58):
What did I do?

Speaker 3 (01:18:06):
The only reason why I say that you shouldn't leave
is because my walk with the Lord has been very intense.
And so what I'm realizing is you don't always just
leave because you messed up or because shit is hard.
The friend don't even know you feel like this. You
still have an opportunity to try. And so I'm always
going to say you have opportunities right now. If you
know that you're gonna look itself and you know you're
gonna continue being jealous and you're not gonna actually do it,

(01:18:27):
then that's different. But I don't think just because friendships
get hard, it's the end. I don't think that I've
had some I choked Tanna. I said this a few
weeks ago. I choked my best friend, and she could
have been like, bitch, fuck you and I'm never talking
to you again. She probably shouldn't did that. She didn't,
and our friendship got stronger. You shouldn't put your hands
on people. However, we're not perfect, and sometimes we do.
And so I think that when you have a moment

(01:18:49):
with somebody, there is a level of intimacy that you
have a you can correct your friend. Yes, you can
correct this, she's saying, that's our best friend. You have
a if you really want to fix it, and you
all you only know this, then you can actually be like,
hey girl, can we talk this weekend and put it
all on the table. I think that this is what
people also do in marriage. The shit gets harder, You're like,

(01:19:09):
you know what, and all the friends are like leaving
and leave. I just don't agree with that. I think
in life we all know shit gets tough. I'm not
always my best self and friendshise, but I saw.

Speaker 1 (01:19:20):
An addressed what you didn't do.

Speaker 6 (01:19:23):
I just said as like I said, I was speaking
at this conference and I was saying like, sometimes you
end up in relationships and you realize it's not really
what you want.

Speaker 1 (01:19:32):
And then the conference was like, hold up, cavin Cola's
not telling nobody lead their husan. I said, oh no, no, no,
no no, I'm not telling you lead your husband.

Speaker 6 (01:19:38):
What I'm telling you is if you can say all
that he don't do, you need to make sure that
you did a self evaluation of what you didn't do,
because so many times we have expectations for people fine
print and friend contracts that ain't nobody told the truth
about having nobody said nothing, and now you have these
expectations for somebody that they don't even had a capacity
to give.

Speaker 2 (01:19:59):
You.

Speaker 3 (01:20:00):
You like about how you maneuver as a business partner,
you're learning about how you maneuver as a friend. You're
learning about how you maneuver in your romantic relationships.

Speaker 2 (01:20:06):
And we've all done it.

Speaker 3 (01:20:08):
I'm not saying this in a way where it's like,
y'all everyone has done this. There is a book, and
if you have not picked up a book in a
long time to read about things like this, you don't
need to talk about this, but I would advise you
there's a book. It's by a lady named Byron Katie.
It's called Loving What is She? And she also has
a podcast she takes She takes and it's on audible,
but she has a podcast also where she takes there

(01:20:29):
she takes actual situations that friends have, that partners have,
that business partners have, and she takes these situations and
she makes you look at.

Speaker 1 (01:20:37):
You talk about them, you're actually the problem.

Speaker 3 (01:20:40):
And if everybody took the issues and looked at in
minus abuse. But there are some situations where she takes
the abuse. Any I'm not gonna touch that because I'm
not therapist. And she takes these moments and she makes
you look at like everything you're saying about the person
is really how you feel about yourself.

Speaker 1 (01:20:55):
Oh, yeah, it's all, it's all.

Speaker 3 (01:20:57):
It's all, well, they don't see me from me, they
don't listen to me, they say.

Speaker 2 (01:21:00):
And it's like, yet you also don't think that about yourself.

Speaker 6 (01:21:03):
Yeah, but that's again what you having to confront yourself.

Speaker 2 (01:21:07):
And that's hard. I'm not saying it's easy. That is hard.

Speaker 4 (01:21:09):
And who wrote the email?

Speaker 5 (01:21:13):
I hope that you take some time to do some
self reflection and I would ask you. I think my
personal baseline question for you is, once you typed up
this email, got all your feelings, all types of real,
nice and pretty Lokay. It looks like you sent it
to chat GPT to clean it up, and I appreciate
it because we were able to read it clearly.

Speaker 4 (01:21:36):
Why did you send it to us instead of talking
to the people in your life.

Speaker 1 (01:21:42):
I'm not mad at you.

Speaker 2 (01:21:43):
I'm glad.

Speaker 4 (01:21:45):
I'm not mad at you for sending it, but I
do want you to ask it.

Speaker 5 (01:21:48):
Sometimes I'll ask myself that, like why am I talking
to this person instead of the person I have the
issue with? Ask yourself that, and then I think when
you get your answer to that whatever, that maybe that
might guide you to what you could do next aside
from what everybody has shared here today, So like, think
about that, what really made you write somebody else instead

(01:22:13):
of talking about it with the people in your life, because.

Speaker 4 (01:22:17):
No matter what we say, you didn't know what it
was gonna say.

Speaker 2 (01:22:20):
But no boundaries because you don't got no boundaries most of.

Speaker 4 (01:22:26):
The real situation for you.

Speaker 5 (01:22:28):
And I do hope that you and your friend either
find some sort of way path forward or you can
amicably separate without like a ton of animosity. I hate
to see friendships all apart, but some friendships ain't.

Speaker 4 (01:22:45):
Meant to be. And that's just really how I feel
on it, And.

Speaker 3 (01:22:48):
I say what I said anyway, Thank you so much
for coming, Thank you for having me. Let everybody know
where they can find you if you have anything coming.
Out or about to drop. But let everybody know where
they can find you and keep up with.

Speaker 6 (01:22:58):
You, so you can find me on on our social media,
my website. Everything is Kay McCole K M, I C
O L E and yeah, and hopefully coming up it's
more speaking things. I really like this because I think
that a lot of people don't want to tell the truth,

(01:23:20):
much less the truth. But you got to get out
of being embarrassed because it's going to help and heal somebody.

Speaker 1 (01:23:27):
And as it helps and heal somebody else, it'll heal
you even more.

Speaker 2 (01:23:31):
Oh my god, yes, thank you. I can't wait.

Speaker 3 (01:23:33):
Like I said, one day, I'm gonna hire you as
my stylist, or I can wear some jewelry, maybe let
my hair down a little bit.

Speaker 2 (01:23:39):
Maybe I'll find my husband. Maybe I won't. Thank you
so much.

Speaker 1 (01:23:43):
Good luck, girl, I hope you do. Yes.

Speaker 4 (01:23:48):
Anyway, you guys, I hope that you make sure that
you check the description box whether you're listening or watching
this episode, and follow us all. Check out our links
and see what we all have going on.

Speaker 5 (01:24:00):
Make sure that you if you're interested in sponsoring or
collaborating with us in any sort of way, there's an
email and a description. If you have an advice email
you want to send in, a cocktail, a weird sex story,
I mean, honestly, anything, send it in.

Speaker 4 (01:24:16):
We would love to work with you, guys.

Speaker 5 (01:24:18):
We love hearing your stories and experiences and all that
good stuff. Cocktails podcast I'm at Kiki said, so I'm
at coffee And until next week you guys, good.

Speaker 3 (01:24:28):
Bye, goodbye bye bye b bye bye b relation, goodbye
bye bye try bye bye bye

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